The Tiki Torches of White Supremacy in Charlottesville

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On Friday night August 11, 2017, a group of 100 white nationalists marched onto the University of Virginia campus in Charlottesville, Virginia. The marchers carried tiki torches, chanted Nazi slogans like “Sieg heil” and “blood and soil,” and gave Nazi salutes. They also chanted other slogans like “White Lives Matter,” “You will not replace us,” and alluded to the white-nationalist idea that diversity as “white genocide.” This march was a vigil for the larger planned, “Unite the Right” rally for Saturday to protest a Robert E. Lee statue removal in a local park. Alt-Right leaders were scheduled to speak before an audience comprising hundreds of far-right activists. During the rally, a fight broke out when demonstrators (nearly all white and male) surrounded some counter-protestors peacefully grouped around a statue of Thomas Jefferson in the middle of the campus. A local activist told the Guardian, “They completely surrounded us and wouldn’t let us out.” Counter-protestors reported being pepper sprayed. The police eventually intervened, declaring an “unlawful assembly” and separating the groups. But the violence persisted well into the next morning with a series of confrontations. The groups beat each other with flagpoles and bats, chanted slogans, and used chemical sprays on each other. Some even reported being doused in raw sewage. At least two people were treated for serious but non-threatening emergencies from the fights by 10:30 a.m. Police deployed tear gas against the crowd shortly before 11:30. And by noon, the group of alt-right nationalists grew to include neo-Nazis, the Klu Klux Klan, and a heavily armed militia. Police dispersed the rally minutes after its scheduled start at and were in full riot gear to clear the area. But the violence didn’t die down. As some counter-protestors started to leave, a silver Dodge Challenger plowed through them. A 32-year-old woman was killed while nine others were injured as the car fled the scene. A helicopter crash near the protests killed two police officers while twenty-five others were also treated for injuries.

As you can recall, the alt-right is a movement that strongly rejects “diversity,” “political correctness, and identity politics as well as disturbingly engages in white nationalist, fascist, and Nazi rhetoric and regalia. And I’m sure it’s clear that they’re not using white nationalist tropes just to be “ironic” as some alt-righters claim. Because you don’t just wear a swastika to a “Unite the Right” rally with irony. Nevertheless, the alt right is a key part of a broader cultural backlash that helped elect Donald Trump to the presidency. Many white Americans felt that they’re losing their ground to nonwhites or that America is losing its identity. And many believe that political, economic, and media elites are either uninterested in defending their heritage or actively trying to eradicate it. Of course, such concepts are the result of white people feeling nostalgic for an America that never existed. Members of the alt right number among Trump’s staunchest supporters with members of his administration among its ranks like Stephen Miller, Sebastian Gorka, and Steve Bannon. Thanks to Trump’s election, the alt right’s leaders have become increasingly willing to dabble in white nationalist rhetoric and tropes while trying to avoid being accused of white nationalism themselves. Sure they didn’t start out explicitly aligning themselves with white supremacists but racist rhetoric has always been a hallmark of the movement even during the 2016 Election. But Trump’s election has emboldened the alt right to come out of the white nationalist closet and show the world the kind of racist shits they actually are. Trump’s election has made racist rhetoric more acceptable among his supporters who feel they don’t need to conceal their contempt for the kinds of people they don’t like. Yet, it has also led to a resurgence of right-wing extremism with hate incidents on the rise.

But why Charlottesville? Well, many cities in the South still have public spaces and monuments celebrating key Confederate figures. Many of these weren’t erected until the 20th century with the rise of the Civil Rights Movement and Jim Crow laws coming under attack. Thus, it is clear these landmarks weren’t created to celebrate Southern “heritage” but to remind black people of their subservience to whites. In other words, the Lee statue exists in the city as a symbol of white supremacy and racism. After all, Lee’s devotion to white supremacy outshone his loyalty to his country embodying the white nationalist ethos. Since the 2015 Emmanuel AME Church shooting, there’s been a renewed push to remove Confederate monuments and rename streets and squares named after them. But wherever these campaigns succeeded, there’s often been backlash from white Southern conservatives who consider the Confederacy as part of their “heritage” and outright white nationalists. In Charlottesville, the target was a statue of Robert E. Lee in a park called Lee Park. As City Council members pointed out, Lee had no connection to Charlottesville and his commemoration was just an indirect way to celebrate the Confederacy. The city council later voted to sell the statue and rename the park as Emancipation Park (even though it’s currently still in place). This decision made the Charlottesville a target for far-right activism and shows of strength along with those keen to stand up to them and demonstrate that their ideas weren’t welcome. On July 8, 30 Klu Klux Klan members held a small rally in the city though hundreds of counter-protestors outnumbered them.

Which brings us to today. “Alt-Right” luminaries planned a large “Unite the Right” rally for Saturday. While originally intended to attract a broad coalition of “patriot” groups, it had become increasingly Nazified, some refused to sign on. Instead, explicitly fascist and white supremacist groups like the National Socialist Movement, the Klu Klux Klan, and Neo-Nazis got on board, which reflected the march’s Nazified tone. Hundreds of protestors descended upon Charlottesville for the rally which Vox called, “a belated coming-out party for an emboldened white nationalist movement in the United States.” Speakers included some alt-right personalities who’ve flirted most openly with white nationalism and self-identified white nationalists like Richard Spencer. Yet, the arc of the “Unite the Right” rally from a demonstration to bring conservative groups together to protest a controversial statue removal to a “Nazified” rally for “the pro-white movement of America,” reflects what’s been happening to the alt right as a whole.

Numerous public officials of both parties have condemned the violence along with the white supremacists who perpetuated it. However, Donald Trump tweeted 14 hours after the clashes began with, “We ALL must be united and condemn all that hate stands for. There is no place for this kind of violence in America. Lets come together as one!” He later released a statement condemning the violence “in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides, on many sides.” He didn’t explicitly identify who was to blame and only used the vaguest possible terms. Trump’s response to Charlottesville is notable. After all, he didn’t wait for 14 hours to denounce Islamist terror outside the US. Nor did he let his vacation get in the way of threatening war with North Korea. Yet, Trump refused to actively condemn the white nationalists responsible for the initial violence, most of the violence and disorder, and the most serious violence in Charlottesville in the strongest possible terms. His refusal provides a misleading account of what happened as well as erroneously implies that both rally goers and counter-protestors were equally to blame. Such implication leaves it wide open for Trump supporters to assume “the left” started it. His remarks suggest that the “hate and division” are equally distributed and that the counter-protestors seeking to stand up to the rallygoers are every bit as hateful. His calling for the “swift restoration of law and order,” implies that the real problem is disrespect for police. But all Trumps statements regarding Charlottesville encourage his supporters to misinterpret the events as anyone else’s fault but the white nationalists themselves.

In context, Trump’s response to the violence in Charlottesville is an insult to Americans who’ve felt unsafe since his election and whose acknowledgement of their fears has been tepid at best. What he’s said that “many sides” must put aside their own prejudices just as much as anyone else and come together as Americans and everything will be all right. But Trump’s unwillingness to understand the rise of the “alt right,” overt racism, and street violence as anything other than a need for “both sides do it” leads him to say things that may signal white supremacists that he’s on their side, inadvertently or otherwise. When Trump calls for Americans to unite because “We love our country. We love our God. We love our flag. We’re proud of our country. We’re proud of who we are,” he’s using the same language these people use to justify trying to “protect” American “identity” from their non-white and non-Christian countrymen. When he declares “we must cherish our history” in response to a rally initially convened to protest a Robert E. Lee statue removal, he sure sounds like he’s siding with the very white supremacists wanting to keep it. Such remarks would come across as deliberate dog whistles in a more deliberate president. We all know Trump loves his base that he’s very careful about doing anything that could upset them. He also acts as if there’s any connection between the “alt-right” and Nazis. Then there’s the fact he has known white nationalists in his administration like Steve Bannon, Sebastian Gorka, and Stephen Miller. Any case where white supremacists engage in unprovoked violence against the left would do just that. Yet, it’s not clear whether Trump is deliberately sending signals to the alt-right that he’s still on their team or that thought that much about it. And that’s exactly the problem. In the last six months of his presidency, Trump has shown less concern for governing on behalf of “the haters and losers” who didn’t support him than any president in recent memory (which would include most Americans in general). Nor does he seem to care about the white supremacist threat to US citizens to understand or name it. It’s an ideology history buffs like myself are very familiar with in American history that has been used to justify slavery, segregation, lynching, hate crimes, and terrorism. And it’s one threatening not only extremist violence but American democracy as well.

It is precisely on moments like Charlottesville that an American president should speak directly on behalf of the American creed, Americans rejecting tribalism and seeking pluralism, and the idea that alt-right nationalism is antiethical to the American idea itself. At a moment when the US needs its leadership to take a unified stand against hatred, Trump’s refusal to call radical white terrorism for what it is might mark the lowest point of his presidency to date. Nevertheless, it’s not unexpected in a man like Donald Trump. Trump has a long history of racism and doesn’t see any problem with white nationalists openly supporting him or working in the White House. Nor does he see anything wrong with promoting inherently racist and xenophobic policies or running a racist, xenophobic campaign that energized the radical right. Whenever Trump has a chance to condemn white supremacists, he’s clearly and repeatedly refused to denounce them in terms that would alienate them. In fact, he continues pandering to them which very unlike what he does with nearly any people or group he dislikes (which he isn’t shy about condemning on Twitter to sabotaging their lives). His election further emboldened these white supremacists who see him as their champion. The day after Trump’s election, hate incidents soared with many carried out in his name. David Duke’s response to Charlottesville clearly reflects this noting, “This represents a turning point for the people of this country. We are determined to take our country back. We are going to fulfill the promises of Donald Trump. That’s what we believed in. That’s why we voted for Donald Trump, because he said he’s going to take our country back.” Seven months into his presidency, Trump has fostered an environment in which people who might’ve been ashamed of their shameful beliefs are now utterly unafraid to show their faces in broad daylight. And as long as white supremacists feel they can no longer hide their hate and bigotry, expect more domestic terror incidents like Charlottesville and other hate crimes.

While much of the country is confused on how the violence in Charlottesville came to be, the answer is blatantly obvious. What happened in Emancipation Park and the streets of Charlottesville didn’t just suddenly spring forth all by itself. White supremacy runs deeper than rogues in hooded robes and has always influenced politics and political violence. White supremacist policy and rhetoric is still being fostered and widely enabled. And it doesn’t take long for such mere sentiments erupt into of overt violence. When white supremacy turns violent America is less safe, especially for people of color and religious minorities. Now I know that not everyone who voted for Donald Trump is an unapologetic racist who’d gleefully march alongside fellow Neo-Nazis and Klansmen in the White Pride parade. But all Trump voters who saw him speak, heard his inflammatory rhetoric, believed in his vision for the future knew exactly what they were aligning themselves with. For millions of Americans, the fact their candidate unashamedly pandered to voters by appealing to the most despicable impulses among us wasn’t a deal-breaker. And the violence possibly resulting from Trump’s decision to give these white supremacists a voice was a risk they were willing to take. Yet, white supremacy can and will flourish when given fuel. History has shown from Reconstruction to the Civil Rights Movement that such transformations can spread like wildfire relatively fast and destroy decades of progress in flashes. All that white racial resentment toward minorities that propelled Trump to the presidency was just that. It may be easier to see white supremacists as people wearing white robes with cone hoods and swastika arm bands then a group of white men (along with some white women) with tiki torches, bad haircuts, wrinkled khakis, and a love of memes camping out in a park. Yet, keep in mind that even the most feared white supremacists during Jim Crow were just regular white men transformed from their lives as politicians, farmers, mechanics, and layabouts by sheer ideological power. White supremacist movements could often considered as “fringe” and marginal until they weren’t. So if you think that a bunch of young white guys with tiki torches aren’t capable of blood-curdling horror that destroyed countless black families, I honestly urge you to reconsider.

NFL Fans Dressed and Ready for Game Day (Third Edition)

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Here I sit on the swing with my Terrible Towel wearing my Steeler earrings and a jersey from my sister. And yes, I was sweating in it during the shoot.

While August may be a slow month for many, it’s certainly not for me. Mostly because there are so many things going on. For one, you have back to school season when the kids prepare to return to school. Then there’s the start of the football season which is huge in the Pittsburgh area as well as the rest of the United States. And since the Steelers are about to kick off today on their first preseason game, I might as well take care of my NFL stuff first. For the last 2 years I’ve don posts on football costumes, merchandise and crafts. Because while my dad may insist on watching his games, there are plenty of NFL fans far crazier than him or a lot of other people in my area. For instance, while my dad hasn’t been to Heinz Field, he’s totally okay about it. In fact, he’d rather watch his Steeler games on TV in the comfort of his own home anyway. At least he could go to the bathroom during a commercial break and get his own food from the kitchen. But if there was anything that would make the NFL football experience more worthwhile to me would be watching the fans. Since I find some of these fans’ outfits far more interesting than the game. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy NFL fans in their team spirit gear.

  1. Undead skull man salutes his Oakland Raiders.

Too bad his team’s moving to Vegas. Makes me feel bad for the people of Oakland who seem to be among the most avid NFL fans in the country.

2. As a Dallas Cowboys fan, blue hair goes the extra mile.

He even has striped pants, a helmet, Cowboys tie, and face paint to match. Yet, he’s wearing a coat for the weather.

3. With two swords on his helmet, this guy’s in the Raider spirit of things.

Don’t worry, his head is fine. But I’m sure this will certainly get him noticed since his head resembles the logo. Sort of.

4. There’s something beaky about this Philadelphia Eagles fan.

Well, he has a beak nose on his helmet. Still, compared to other NFL fans on this post, this is tame.

5. Support your Denver Broncos with feathers, tulle, and a crazy hat.

Sure her costume seems to come from stuff she found at a craft store. But sometimes it’s the thought that counts.

6. Now we come to a true Dallas Cowboy.

This guy is know as Crazy Ray. Of course, his costume isn’t as outlandish as some of these other NFL fans. And it’s rather appropriate.

7. If you’re a Houston Texan fan, you got to have horns.

And I see these guys may wear different hats. But they didn’t ignore the horns. Hope they don’t put somebody’s eye out.

8. For this Seahawks fan, the shirt has to match the face paint.

I thin the shirt is enough here. But some people have to go the extra mile like this guy.

9. Even Imperial Stormtroopers love the Houston Texans.

The Stormtrooper even has a blue mohawk and is posing with the team mascot. The pilot doesn’t have much else.

10. When you support the Ravens, you even have to have a lot of bling with a jester’s hat.

Not sure if it weighs him down at the game. But at least he has an interesting hat.

11. A striped face and a clown wig is all you need to support the Buffalo Bills.

Well, as far as this guy is concerned. Though he doesn’t seem happy about how his Bills are doing.

12. Footballhead doesn’t like how the game’s going for the Broncos.

Then again, it’s a mask meant to look scary. But it seems rather annoyed to me.

13. You wouldn’t know who these baggy Miami Dolphins fans are.

But they’re not ashamed about supporting their team. They just didn’t want to use face paint.

14. Even a Steeler fan has to get the best black and gold sombrero.

An equally fancy luchador mask can also complete the look. Now that’s intimidating to see.

15. For her Colts, this woman gets out her puppet monkeys for the holidays.

Helps if the monkeys wear Colts Santa hats, too. Still, kind of creepy for me to take in.

16. When in doubt go green and blue for the Seattle Seahawks.

Well, this guy seems to. And his blue hair is all spiky for good measure.

17. This Ravens fan really likes to show his team’s glory on his head.

Yes, the Ravens won as many Super Bowls as Ray Lewis has murder allegations. And this guy has a feathered cape alongside his giant ring hat, too.

18. Seems like this joker is a very serious Steelers fan.

Well, he has the Joker makeup to his Steeler specifications. Not sure about the hat though.

19. Make way for the Miami Dolphins Pope.

Guess they have a guy like that for every NFL team out there. But this cleric paints his face.

20. This Halo hero salutes his Houston Texans.

Though he must be hot in his costume. But for some, it’s all worth it for the team.

21. This masked beauty does her hair only for the Miami Dolphins.

Okay, it’s a wig. But it’s in aqua, orange and white. And she wear’s a mask for an enhanced effect.

22. This Joker delights in supporting the New Orleans Saints.

Even has a Fleur de Lis in each hand. Yet, he’s also wearing a suit with a pink boa.

23. For this 49er’s fan, the lucha mask has to contain a gold nugget.

The hat’s made out of foam. And he’s not wearing as shirt. But we all know how the 49ers got their name.

24. This Super Seahawks fan might need to leave early if there’s any danger.

He’s even wearing Superman briefs with a Skittles wrapper on his chest. Not sure what that’s supposed to mean.

25. This blue man goes all out for his Detroit Lions.

Despite that the Detroit Lions are among the worst teams in the NFL. But this guy’s keeping his cool with his thumbs up.

26. This Minnesota Vikings fan hopes his team demolishes Dallas.

Wonder if they have one for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Because my dad really hates the Dallas Cowboys.

27. Feathers and shells always make for a great Oakland Raiders headdress.

Well, I’ve put a similar fan picture on another post but that might’ve been from the Saints. But this one seems to have a rather strange quality to it. Maybe that’s intentional.

28. A Raiders fan can never have too many skulls.

Well, he seems to have a lot. Not only around his neck but on his hard hat.

29. Chicago gangsters always dress dapper for a game with the Bears.

After all, Chicago’s famous for Al Capone. And for the Boardwalk Empire touch, the orange suits are in pinstripe.

30. Seems like Seahawks fans tend to be on the Dark Side.

At least this Darth Vader costume is intact and unchanged. Just a Seahawks scarf and lightsaber are plenty.

31. You’re not a Vikings fan until you go purple.

They at least match with the face paint and jerseys. But you have to like the other guy’s fuzzy horned helmet.

32. This guy would be a fool not to support his New Orleans Saints.

He’s even wearing a jester outfit of black and gold to show his love for the Saints. After all, he’s quite a joker.

33. This man always goes all out for his Pittsburgh Steelers.

He has a Steeler car and a Vince Lombardi trophy in Steeler insignia. Also have love the glasses.

34. Wonder if this guy’s name is Spike.

Because he has spikes all over him, get it. Also have to behold his skulls and chains. And yes, he’s a Raiders fan.

35. Now this guy seems like a real ship head.

That’s because it’s all about the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to him. He’s also wearing beads and has his face red and silver.

36. Looks like this guy is all spotted for the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Though the Jaguars reside in Florida’s largest city, they’re the least remembered. Maybe because they don’t do well in football.

37. This feathered mask lady is pulling for her Atlanta Falcons.

Too bad, the Falcons would lose to the Patriots at the Super Bowl. Yes, I was disappointed, too. Because everyone outside New England hates the Patriots.

38. Seems like Darth Vader has it in for the Raiders.

His buddy has a camera on is helmet. Nevertheless, hope they’re coping with their team’s move to Vegas.

39. For Super Bowl L, Broncos fans pose with their orange clown wigs.

Don’t really get the whole clown wig thing here. Except that it’s outrageous. Sot it goes on this post.

40. Heard of Goldfinger? Meet Mr. Goldman.

And his team is the New Orleans Saints. Notice how he has a Fleur de Lis on his face.

41. This skullhead Raiders fan supports breast cancer awareness.

Still, very little money from pink merchandise actually goes to breast cancer. Look it up.

42. This 49ers fan has come in his own sombrero.

This guy even has ornaments on it. Bet he’s had too much time on his hands.

43. Even old timey ghosts support the Oakland Raiders.

And this guy seems straight out of a horror movie. Yes, I’m already kind of freaking out right now.

44. When in doubt, go with a funky wig.

Here’s a Philadelphia Eagles fan in a lucha mask and clown wig of his team colors. And he’s having a drink during the game.

45. This Raiders fan has the Grim Reaper on his chest.

Yes, I know Raiders fan usually go with the creepy skull stuff. But that’s kind of a tradition for them. And why I put so many on my NFL fan posts.

46. You can’t go wrong with a wooden Seahawk hat.

This is especially if it has Seahawk color braids coming out. Then again, their logo was inspired from Native American art of the Pacific Coast. So what do you expect?

47. Speaking of Seahawks fans, check out the blue and green hair on these.

One of them has a mohawk. One of them has a crown. Yet, all support their Seahawks when the day is done.

48. Seems like this Grinch has a soft spot for the Tennessee Titans.

Well, he’s dressed in a green outfit with a Santa hat. But he just doesn’t seem Grinchy to me.

49. This woman is all feathers for the Atlanta Falcons.

She’s known as “Bird Lady” by the way. Too bad her team didn’t win the Super Bowl against the Patriots.

50. Fuzzy robes are always in for Broncos fans.

The kid is even dressed like a mini Hulk Hogan. And they even match.

51. Never expected to find a Packers fan in a sombrero.

I was wondering where I’d eventually see some Packers fans. Because they’d usually turn up when I’m less than halfway through.

52. This Packers fan is going to rock and roll all night and party every day.

This one is dressed as a member of KISS. And has spikes on shoulder pads. Not sure why.

53. This undead jester has come for the Raiders.

This guy has a skull mask and jester cap with jingles. Yes, it’s bound to freak you out.

54. Nothing makes you a bigger fan of the San Diego Chargers than a bolt on your chest.

Now the Chargers have relocated to LA. Kind of feel bad for this guy now. But at least he’s shown his team spirit by painting himself light blue.

55. Though Packers fans typically have cheese hats, I’m not so sure about this.

This one has the Green Bay Packer devouring a Detroit Lion. Okay, now I get it.

56. Sometimes the face paint says it all for this Arizona Cardinals fan.

At least he got the Cardinal look right. Not sure if the clown wig does wonders though.

57. Get a load of these suits on these Steeler fans.

The outfits are supposed to be from the 1970s during the Steelers glory days. And these guys grew the hair to live up to it.

58. A Rams fan always has to have a pair of curled horns.

Yet, another team that moved to Los Angeles. Still, this fan is rather creepy looking. Even if the horns are plush.

59. This red butterfly flutters for the Atlanta Falcons.

She has her wings lined with red fuzz and wears a shiny dress. Hope those large wings don’t cause any problems for other spectators.

60. When you attend a Cincinnati Bengals game at 1 and are starring in a local production of Cats at 5.

Okay, I know that’s highly unlikely. But the fan just reminded me of someone from Cats. Can’t anyone take a joke now and then?

61. The Houston Texans are the team for this all-American cowgirl.

Well, she certainly has a cowboy hat on and a flag. And all with the Texans logo.

62. I call this the, “Bronco Weave.”

Yes, she has a Bronco logo on her head. But I’ve seen other fans style their hair for their team. This is just far more creative.

63. The X-Factor and Elvis always go for the Kansas City Chiefs.

Yet, they’re fans of the NFL team in Missouri that didn’t move to LA. But yes, the guy on the right looks ridiculous.

64. For this king, the Houston Texans can do no wrong.

Well, it’s a ridiculously oversized crown. But it shows the Texans logo like it’s no tomorrow.

65. This black bird is Raven mad.

This one even has a bird head and wings. But the Baltimore Ravens scarf is plenty.

66. This Philadelphia Eagles fan has quite the bird brain.

That’s because he has an eagle head. Kind of freaky and outrageous. But good for the post.

67. Bet you can’t see this Bengals Stormtrooper.

Well, he’s in orange with black stripes on his helmet. Don’t worry if he gets in a fight. He can’t hit anything.

68. You don’t always have to wear a fur and horn headdress. But sometimes it helps.

For this Atlanta Falcons fan it sure did. And then the Falcons had to play the Patriots at the Super Bowl.

69. Now this guy is the ultimate Rams fan.

After all, if you sport a ram’s head, then you’ll surely be noticed. Too bad his team moved to LA.

70. These Green Bay Packers fans come all fired up.

They’re dressed as firemen in Packers gear, get it? Though I like the sirens on their heads.

71. These fans got themselves all hulked up for the Houston Texans.

Here these two are in their Hulk costumes and ripped shirts. You wouldn’t want to be near them when they’re angry.

72. When you’re a New York Jets fan, you have to go green, literally.

For these guys it’s painting their bodies green and wearing green wigs. Also, spelling out “Jets” on their chest.

73. This jester brings along his own Denver Broncos camper.

I don’t know why fans do stuff like that. But he seems to be getting attention for it. So beats me.

74. This Detroit Lions fan has it ringing with Elton John glasses.

Of course, the ring isn’t from the Super Bowl. Because the Detroit Lions never won one. Look it up.

75. Some of these Seahawks fans can dress so skimpy these days.

Okay, that’s a guy dressed as a scantily clad woman in Seahawks gear. Still, I think it’s kind of hilarious.

76. Gorilla Man and Spider Man have turned up to support the New England Patriots.

Just don’t ask them about the deflated footballs. Or you’ll be beat senseless and hung upside down in a spider web.

77. Apparently, all this New Orleans Saints fan sees are dollar signs.

Not sure if that’s a man or a woman. But there’s some originality with the dollar sign glasses and pimp style.

78. This Seahawks fan must have strong feelings for the 49ers.

Apparently, he has a 49er plush impaled on one of his hair spikes. Kind of clever yet disturbing at the same time.

79. This Green Bay Packers family all has Super Bowl rings on their heads.

After all, they did win Super Bowls. But they all look so ridiculous you can’t help but laugh.

80. If you’re a Steeler fan, you can let it all hang out.

Though I wouldn’t necessarily mean by that. This is particularly the case with this guy running shirtless in the snow.

81. For the Atlanta Falcons, this guy will take anything.

For he’s clad in armor and is sporting a Mohawk. Just don’t mention the Super Bowl.

82. Hope you can make room for this Packers fan.

At least his helmet’s made from paper mache. Though you’d kind of wish he’d put a coat on or something. Cause he must be freezing.

83. I suppose the antlers will hold up during this game.

He even has them decorated with beads and put on his helmet. Not sure if it’s for Christmas. But not bad.

84. Hope you don’t cross these Raiders fans.

All of them have black and white faces. But only one is wearing a sombrero.

85. It’s always shields and helmets for these Minnesota Vikings fans.

The guy has a purple Viking helmet with horns. Also, their shields appear to light up.

86. How about an eagle head on your shoulder?

Or a Philadelphia Eagle head, that is. Bet the look is based on a video game character though.

87. Wonder what these bears are up to.

Yes, they’re Chicago Bear fans in bear suits. No, I’m not sure how they eat in their costumes.

88. This Indianapolis Colts fan screams blue and white.

Almost resembles a Transformer. But it’s mostly the cloth doing it for me.

89. This Patriots fan arrives at the stadium with a star spangled hat.

Though you can include the cowbell and wig for good measure. God knows anything can use more cowbell.

90. These Houston Texans fans know how to stay classy.

They’re both in lucha masks with horns. One has blue while the other has red. Still, got to love the capes.

91. Apparently, this woman suffers from serious beer goggles.

Well, she made a pair with cans to support the Green Bay Packers. Yet, as far as beer goggles is concerned, she’s doing it right.

92. A Buffalo Bills fan should never go without a tall buffalo hat.

It’s like a tall buffalo hat with horns on it. And yes, he’s doing his victory dance.

93. This Kansas City Chiefs fan shows his war bonnet in full glory.

Hey, cultural appropriation isn’t just limited to Washington Redskins fans in the NFL. Still, I couldn’t avoid putting this on my post. My apologies to the Native American community.

94. This cheese head comes with its own horns and beard.

Well, they resemble prongs more or less. Still, the ski goggles and beard are clever.

95. Bet this Saints fan is  real jest.

But that jester costume really freaks me out for some reason. Maybe that’s the point.

96. This looks like a job for Bronco Batman.

Of course, he’s only in a bright orange mask. Yet, would rather beat up bad guys in more casual attire.

97. This Cleveland Browns fan is all fries and no ketchup.

Doesn’t seem too happy right now. Then again, the Cleveland Browns aren’t known for winning their games anyway.

98. This Arizona Cardinals fan can really strike the cardinal look.

Well, at least with the mohawk and face paint. Not sure about the spiky jewelry though.

99. These Indianapolis Colts fans are really going ape.

And that’s what NFL football is like on the Planet of the Apes. Except the apes aren’t blue.

100. You’d want to stay away from this Raiders wolf.

If his team loses, he’d be howling mad. Of course, this is often since the Raiders aren’t known for winning.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Sixth Edition)

Summer is also a season where people like to catch up on their reading, namely during vacation. Sometimes it might be a noteworthy work of literature or a page turning read. But other times it just might consist of pulpy paperbacks, Harlequin romances, or Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course, you can’t always judge a book by its cover. Except on the occasions you can which is where I come in. Looking at some of these covers, it’s sometimes easy to tell whether it’s good or bad. Like if it depicts a rather stylized romance scene, especially if the man resembles a Greek god. Or if a sci-fi book has a very ridiculous illustration that seemed inspired by an acid trip. Or if its image clearly pertains to some unsettling subject matter that doesn’t seem quite right. But whatever the case, I hope you enjoy yet another installment of terrible book covers for your reading pleasure. By the way, some of these may not be safe for work.

 

  1. Clash of Star-Kings: The Night the Stars Fell and the Spacemen Rose by Avram Davison

Wonder if that’s supposed to be a mythological figure. I think there’s an Egyptian god who looks like that. But he seems royally pissed right now so proceed with caution.

Now you must bow before the Crocodile lord of all creation.

2. The Boy with Dinosaur Hands: Nine Tales of the Real and Unreal by Al Carusone

Come to think of it, scissor hands aren’t great either. But at least your palms won’t bear ant resemblance to Jurassic Park.

Remember, kids, having dinosaur hands isn’t really as cool as it’s cracked up to be.

3. Cathletics: Ways to Amuse and Exercise Your Cat by Jo and Paul Loeb

Still, this isn’t the craziest cat book I’ve seen. After all, cats do need exercise. Yet, still I wonder what ridiculous workouts this book contains.

Because keeping your cat in the house all day contributes to feline obesity.

4. How to Recognize and Handle Abnormal People: A Manual for the Police Officer

Not sure what they mean by “abnormal people.” I mean that could be just about anyone. Just don’t tell me this book doesn’t contain offensive stereotypes.

After all, a cop needs to know how to respond to all the weirdos out there.

5. Spinning Wheel’s Antiques for Men edited by Albert Christian Revi

I’m sure there are plenty of men who collect antiques. And not just toy soldiers either. Hope those aren’t made of lead.

Who says that antiquing isn’t a manly pursuit?

6. You’re Going to Die by R. A. Montgomery

Seems like this kid’s real disillusioned about life in general. Man, this cover just has to bum you out.

It’s a choose your own adventure story with a depressing inevitable finish.

7. We Like Kindergarten

Look, I understand this book aims to help kids adjust to kindergarten. But that little girl holding the picture must really freak out the parents.

A Little Golden Book by the makers of The Children of the Corn.

8. The Partridge Family #10: Marked for Terror by Vic Crumb

Basically it’s about Keith getting arrested by the FBI and thrown into Gitmo. Those Enhanced Interrogation scenes are a riot.

Who knew the Partridge Family could get entangled in international terrorism?

9. Drivers Licence for Women by Dr. Frank Stahl Ph. D.

How the hell does making out naked near a beach have anything to do with driving? Because I have no idea.

Guess this is how a woman drives with a stick shift.

10. Humiedad Relativa by Justi Zapico

I’m sure the stuffed animals really kills the mood here. Let’s just say nudity and stuffed toys don’t really belong together.

Nothing titillates a man’s libido like a naked woman on top of brightly colored teddy bears.

11. Bang Bang, You’re Dead by Louise Fitzhugh and Sandra Scoppettone

This book is from 1969 but it hasn’t aged well for obvious reasons. Yet, it has kids saying things like “I got you dead!” and “Yeah, we’ll fix those skunks. Let’s chop off their heads!”

Also known as Graphic Violence for Kids.

12. Bear by Marian Engel

Yes, Sandra and Smokey were mad with each other. Yet, Smokey had to constantly watch his claws and animal instincts.

If you’re into hot grizzly action, this is the book for you.

13. “Johnny’s Such a Bright Boy, What a Shame He’s Retarded”: In Support of Mainstreaming Public Schools by Kate Long

I don’t know what this book says about people with intellectual disabilities. But the title doesn’t seem to suggest anything positive.

Winner of the “Most Insulting Title to the Disabled Award.”

14. The Psychic Sasquatch and Their UFO Connection by Jack “Kewaunee” Lapseritis M.S.

You can guess what they’ll be talking about here. Still, Sasquatches aren’t real whether they have ESP or not.

Didn’t know Bigfoot was an alien with psychic abilities.

15. Body Watchin’ Is Fun by John L. Shirley

I’m sure it pertains to people watching. But the photos on this cover make the subject matter all the more disturbing.

Brought to you by the guy who makes people feel awkwardly uncomfortable in public.

16. The Boy Who Looked Like Lincoln by Mike Reiss

Is it just me? Or does book seem goddamn freaky? Also, the other kids all have crazy heads. This book must’ve been written and illustrated on weed.

Finally a book about a kid who bears a resemblance to the 16th President and grew a beard before puberty.

17. At the Butt End of the Rainbow and Other Irish Tales by Clare Warner Livesly

Still, “butt end” really? Is the “butt” really necessary? Or is this a book of Irish bathroom tales? Like “Finn MacCool and His Restless Bowels” or “The Silent But Deadly Scourge of Cuchulainn.”

For when you get to the butt end of the rainbow, you’ll find all kinds of freakish creatures hanging out.

18. Cat Astrology by Mary Daniels

Yes, this kitty horoscope book exists. I know it’s crazy. But apparently there are cat owners who really believe this shit.

Now you can tell your cat’s future by their star sign.

19. Catflexing: A Cat Lover’s Guide to Weight Training, Aerobics, & Stretching by Stephanie Jackson

Catflexing? How is that a thing? Does that woman know how ridiculous she looks flexing with her cat?

Who knew you and your cat can get in shape together?

20. Corporate Attractions: An Inside Account of Sexual Harassment with the New Sexual Rules for Men and Women on the Job by Kathleen Neville

The cover doesn’t seem to give a good impression of sexual harassment and workplace relations. Also, the art just makes it look a bit outdated.

Apparently, these two seem to get along fine, but you’ll never know.

21. Dildo Cay by Nelson Hayes

Believe it or not, this was actually a best-seller and made into a movie called Bahama Passage starring Madeleine Carroll, Sterling Hayden, and Dorothy Dandridge. Movie tagline reads: “The two most gorgeous humans you’ve ever beheld – caressed by soft tropic winds – tossed by the tides of love!” There’s also a real place.

It’s a place of fun, adventure, and erotic stimulation.

22. Drugs and Anger by Bea O’Donnell Rawls

This book implies that taking drugs will turn you in to a raving lunatic who’d use broken bottles as a weapon. You’ve been warned. So don’t start.

Because drugs really bring out the worst in people.

23. Early Detection: Breast Cancer Is Curable by Philip Strax, M.D.

Yeah, that’s not really good placement. Also, breast cancer is a horrible disease that kills women every year. So why does the mammogram machine get the 1970s floral treatment.

There’s nothing a woman enjoys more than getting her own mammogram.

24. Computers & the Beast pf Revelation by David Webber and Noah Hutchings

Sorry, but computers aren’t evil at all. Nor will they usher in the apocalypse. Also, a snake shouldn’t be near one.

Computers are only machines that serve a gateway to sin.

25. The Forbidden Apple: Sex in the Schools by Philip J. Ross and John Marlowe

Still, what I find disturbing about this is that a grown man stands between two teenage girls. It’s implied he’s their teacher. You’d think they’d use a better photo than that for a teen sex book.

Because talking about sex in schools is necessary but often not encouraged.

26. Sexy PHP: A Fun Way to Learn Object Oriented PHP by C.A. Collins

No, PHP has nothing to do with sex. It’s a server-side language used in web development. But you couldn’t tell from the cover.

Cover courtesy of PornHub and GoDaddy.com.

27. Fratricide Is a Gas by Lindsay Gutteridge

Of course, she’s trying to rip your head off. You just fucked her. What did you expect?

Was supposed to be called Manti and Me but the editors didn’t think it would resonate with audiences.

28. Frisbee: A Practitioner’s Manual and Treatise by Dr. Stancil E.D. Johnson

For God’s sake, a frisbee is something you toss to your dog. How do I have to describe it?

At last, a serious academic book of the significance of the Frisbee.

29. Games for Insomniacs by John G. Fuller

Of course, if you have insomnia you could just stay up playing video games. That’s what most insomniacs do anyway.

Finally, you can have fun while you can’t sleep at night.

30. Getting High: How to Really Do It by Dan Clark

Hate to break it to stoners, but this isn’t a book on how to get a buzz from drugs. It’s actually a Christian devotional for teens and their parents. Sorry.

Yes, there’s a right way to get high for teens and adults.

31. Children’s Head Injury: Who Cares? edited by David A. Johnson, David Uttely, and Maria Wyke

That’s a pretty insensitive title since kids’ head injuries can cause serious harm throughout their lives. Also, the Humpty Dumpty motif doesn’t help.

Apparently, nobody seems too concerned about children suffering brain damage these days.

32. Honey, We Lost the Kids: Rethinking Childhood in the Multimedia Age by Kathleen McDonnell

Some people seem to go to great lengths to make the media look evil. That baby seems incredibly creepy along with that Simpsons character with the flaming red hair.

According to the cover, your children’s favorite cartoon characters are conspiring to kidnap them. Keep them close to you at all times.

33. God Speaks to Modern Man by Arthur E. Lickey

“What do you mean my appearance doesn’t adhere to dress code standards. I come from 1st century Palestine for my dad’s sake!”

Just Jesus and the boss casually hanging out at the office.

34. How to Be a More Interesting Woman by Barbara Wedgewood

Based on the cover, I think the book is filled with sexist trash from the Mad Men era. Because I don’t need a stupid book like that to be interesting.

Finally, a book for women on how to be interesting to others.

35. What Would Jesus Craft? by Ross McDonald

Is it just me or a Catholic thing? But isn’t a crucified Christ clock kind of sacreligious? Just a thought.

Learn how to make a crucifixion clock with a tree slice so you’ll know the time to pray.

36. How to Be a Jewish Mother: A Very Lovely Training Manual by Dan Greenburg

If there’s a book about being a Jewish mother, shouldn’t it be written by an actual Jewish mother? Because I don’t think Dan Greenburg has those kind of credentials due to being a dude.

Now there’s a manual for Jewish moms on how to do it right.

37. Jinny Williams Library Assistant: A Career Romance for Young Moderns by Sara A. Temkin and Lucy A. Hovell

I’m sure this book was written because library assistant was one of the few career paths available to women. Still, to call it a “career romance” is a long shot.

Didn’t know library assistants had interesting love lives.

38. Unfit for Command by John O’Neill and Jerome R. Corsi, Ph.D.

This is a book reeking with bullshit about John Kerry which would later lead to the term “swiftboating.” Such a book should be taken off the shelves and thrown into an incinerator where it belongs.

Or “How to Smear a Presidential Candidate by Attacking His Vietnam War Service and Patriotism with Bullshit for Political Gain.”

39. The You Can Do It! Kids Diet by Dee Matthews with Allan Zullo and Bruce Nash

Childhood obesity aside, there’s a reason dieting for kids is so controversial. Parents should consult their pediatrician so I’ll leave it at that.

The how to guide on fighting childhood obesity and perhaps self-esteem.

40. Knife Throwing: A Practical Guide by Harry K. McEvoy

Yes, this is a book about knife throwing. Learn how to throw knives at targets like trees, rodents, and Jen at accounting. Scratch the last bit.

Learn how to throw knives like a pro.

41. Role Models: Miley Cyrus by Dave Robson

I guess she was doing Hanna Montana at the time. Now she’s known for her VMA appearance and “Wrecking Ball.”

Read about the life of Miley Cyrus and how she’s a great role model.

42. More of Jesus Less of Me: An Entirely New Revolutionary Approach to Weight Control by Joan Cavanaugh with Pat Forseth

Christian weight loss guides? Seriously? You’d almost think there’s a Christian answer for everything.

Lose weight the righteous way through accepting Jesus as your lord and savior.

43. We Never Had Any Trouble Before: First Aid for Parents of Teenagers by Roger W. Paine III

Despite what pop culture says, teenagers aren’t really that terrible. But parents are known to overreact and Hollywood validates their fears.

A guide for parents of teens who feel like they’re living in hell.

44. Build an Oil-Fired Tilting Furnace by Steve Chastain

Uh, I think a project like that would be too dangerous. Besides, I don’t think most neighborhoods allow you to build something like that.

Now you can build a piece of industrial technology in your own backyard.

45. Mrs. Allen On All Fours: Develop a Perfect Relationship with Your Pet by Barbara A. Allen

Then again, your dog might think you’re an idiot trying to relate to them like that. No owner should have to bring themselves to that.

If you want to walk a mile in your dog’s shoes, then you might as well go down on your hands and knees.

46. Boys in Control by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Yes, that’s very inappropriate. Suzy should give Tad a restraining order. Seriously, there are literally laws against what the hell he’s doing.

Finally, a preteen book about sexual harassment, privacy invasion, and voyeurism.

47. What’s a Parent to Do? by C. S. Lovett

Seems like these parenting guides on teens make them seem like monsters. They even have a badge on the arm. Crazy.

Got rowdy teens shaking their fists in revolt? Here’s the book for you.

48. Mother, How Could You! by Eve Bunting

Seems like the mother caught her daughter making out with her boyfriend. And her daughter is pissed. Mother is embarrassed. Also, what’s the mom wearing, a nightgown?

Tagline: “Of all the things for her mother to do…”

49. Pinocchio: Vampire Slayer by Van Jensen and Dusty Higgins

Who knew that Pinocchio could kill vampires? Still, this is hilarious and kind of ridiculous. But not like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

He’s not a puppet. He’s a vampire slaying real boy who’ll kill blood sucking fiends.

50. Sarah T.: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic by Robin S. Wagner

Seems like a real brat from the cover. Based on a TV movie from the 1980s.

Read this gripping tale of a teenage drunken brat.

51. The Sex of the Dollar: Street-Smart Financial Planning by Anne Kohn Blau

No, it’s not about prostitution. It’s about managing your money when you earn 20% less than your male colleagues. For God’s sake can’t we instill equal for pay for women already! It’s the least employers and politicians can do.

Didn’t know dollars had a sex.

52. Soil Tasting Manuel: Procedures, Classification, Data, and Sampling Practices by Robert W. Day

Actually, it’s supposed to be: Soil Testing Manual but there were typos. See how books become if you don’t proofread?

Want to know what dirt tastes like? Here’s the book for you.

53. The Square Root of Sex by Ted Mark

By the same guy who wrote The Man from O.R.G.Y. Think Fifty Shades of Grey meets The Big Bang Theory. And set it back to the 1970s.

Before The Big Bang Theory, we had books like these for nerd romance.

54. God, the Rod, and Your Child’s Rod: The Art of Loving Correction for Christian Parents by Larry Tomczak

Here there’s a kid with a bad haircut trying to get stuff out of the cookie jar. Seriously, this cover is messed up.

Instilling the fear of God and corporal punishment will get your kid to lead a healthy life.

55. There’s Power in the V by Takerra Allen

Nevertheless, this cover looks more like a hair salon ad than anything. Also, the type kind of clashes.

Not sure what the hell the V means. Vagina? Just a guess.

56. The Beginner’s Guide to Animal Autopsy

Features a teddy bear with all kinds of mechanized insides. Though most just have stuffing in them.

From this book, you can learn what’s inside an animal and what killed it.

57. My Dad’s Definitely Not a Drunk! by Elisa Lynn Carbone

I’m sure plenty of children of alcoholic parents can relate. Still, the dad’s definitely a drunk.

A novel about a young girl in denial of her dad’s alcoholism.

58. Heavenly Bodies: Remembering Hollywood and Fashion’s Favorite AIDS Benefit by Michael Anketell

Because nothing brings the ravages of AIDS to the forefront like a scantily clad model with wings. I’m sure they could’ve used a more dignified picture for the cover.

Featuring styles from Victoria’s Secret.

59. Weak Link: The Feminization of the American Military by Brian Mitchell

Contrary to what this book says, women in the military don’t make the US weak. You know what does? Electing a sociopathic demagogue with authoritarian tendencies to the White House.

For the manly military men who are so insecure in their masculinity that they think women shouldn’t protect them from terrorists.

60. Rowing: The Skill of the Game by Rosie Mayalothling

After all, there is nothing more manly than being packed on a boat with shorts and an undershit and longingly looking over the guy in front of you. Boy, Jake has it in for Randy hard. But should he tell him?

If you want to know about this manly sport, here is the book for you.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Sixth Edition)

ct_greetings_florida.jpg

As August rolls around, we are now in the thick of summer vacation season. And here I open my sixth postcard post with a destination that sees a lot of tourism this time of year. I’m talking about Florida, the land of sunshine, Disney World, beaches, Everglades, Cape Canaveral, hurricanes, political dysfunction, climate change endangerment, sink holes, and crazy tabloid news stories not involving celebrities. Florida is a state with something for everyone unless you’re into stuff like winter, higher elevations, dry land, Medicaid expansion, social justice for poor and minorities, fair election practices, home owner’s insurance, ecological stability, or any sense of normalcy. Let’s just say it’s a great place to visit but not somewhere I’d want to live. Still, I probably have more crazy vintage postcards on these kind of posts than from any other state. Mostly because Florida has always been a huge tourist destination since the early 20th century thanks to Gilded Age railroad construction, a couple real estate booms, and the inventions of air conditioning and highways. But even before Disney World, it had seen a lot of vacationers. Another reason is that a lot of these postcards contain a lot of weird shit. Still, I can show you some picturesque vintage postcards which will bore you to tears. So I’ll stick to the crazy postacards instead for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.

  1. In 1962, Seattle was home to the world’s largest birthday cake.

And no, it wasn’t for Bill Gates or Starbucks either. Still, you could probably feed all of Seattle with it.

2. A long hoagie like this would make Subway seethe with envy.

Yet, George didn’t hide his disdain having to assemble that sandwich on minimum wage. I’m sure we’ve been this guy at one point in our lives.

3. Matanuska is well-known for its large cabbage.

Actually it’s a place in Alaska known for its glacier and Sarah Palin. But you wouldn’t know that from the postcard. Also, you can see Russia from it.

4. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Tony Canepa and his dancing family.

He and his wife always dreamed of having as many children for their own football team. That or they wanted a chorus line.

5. Washington state’s Cape Disappointment surely lives up to its name.

Well, at least the name’s honest. Caption reads: “Rugged outcropping of land guarding the mouth of the Mighty Columbia River. This area is referred to as the ‘Graveyard of the Pacific’ and here is seen the lighthouse to guide the sailors.”

6. Of course, not everyone can smile when their dad runs for office.

Only the St. Bernard seems happy in this photo. I can totally understand why the guy’s family wants to be supportive. Yet, on the other hand, it might mean lots of adjustment.

7. How about a big “howdy” from Texas?

That has to be one of the freakishly horrifying giant cowboys I’ve seen in my life. For the love of God, take that down before it haunts my dreams.

8. Who remembers the Acromaniacs a.k.a. The Three Little Bakers?

Or as some call them, “Those three rich assholes who saw themselves better than anyone. And would shove people into lockers when no teacher was looking.”

9. At this little mini town, Sadie can now emulate Raquel Welch from Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.

Okay, I’m just kidding on that one. But still, I wouldn’t trust a kid near stuff like that.

10. Crawford’s Market brings the World Largest Cheese to the LA County Fair.

Still, you don’t see Alice in Dairy Land cut the cheese. For a silent and deadly stench may doom us all.

11. Cash will always make the holidays happier.

From Bad Postcards: “It looks like the girl is getting ready to vomit on her brother’s present.” The dad doesn’t seem too thrilled either.

12. Looks like it’s happy hour wherever this guy is.

Looks like someone’s cocktail could use a little more cowbell. Not sure how that would work out.

13. “This Attractive New Work Handling Equipment Cuts Work Handling Costs!”

That slogan sounds redundant and vague. Also, that woman looks like she wants whoever’s talking to shut up.

14. “Oh, Suzy, why do you always have to look at trains? It’s most unladylike.”

“Why can’t you be normal and read magazines other girls like such as celebrity tabloids? Or ones catering to feminine insecurities?”

15. Bonat hair dryers are fit for any beauty salon these days.

After all, on the Enterprise, you’d need different dryers for different kinds of hair. Not sure which one a Klingnon would use.

16. This BTC Beverage Cooler chills up to 288 bottles.

Also great for freezing the remains of your dead husband you murdered for the insurance money. I’m no one will recognize Charlie after Mildred has chopped off his limbs and torso.

17. Nobody could ever resist Halliday plastics for the home.

From Bad Postcards: “I’ll take two plastic dresses, a plastic clown, and the stackable plastic bowls. Figure my bill, please. I’m running late for a Tupperware party.” Available at your local landfill, ocean, or beach.

18. The ADDO-X Plus is a well tuned adding machine.

Though Adelaide has thoughts about dropping it on Nancy after work. Because Nancy always has to be better at crunching numbers than her in accounting. She must be stopped.

19. A secretary is never happy without two typewriters on her desk.

She uses one for her office related tasks. And she uses the other for recording thoughts of existential dread in her soul crushing existence.

20. Caryl Richards WIDE WIDE WAVE gives your hair more body to style your hair your way.

Of course, she received her new do from one of Whoville’s finest hair salons. And she looks utterly fabulous.

21. You’re in for a jolly Roger good time with a Pirates of the Caribbean themed bachelor party.

Drinks available will be Captain Morgan and Bacardi rum. Stay for a visit from Captain Jackie Sparebra. So you can yo, ho, ho all night with these ladies.

22. In Washington state, it’s apple picking time.

But keep in mind a woman’s lipstick has to match the color. Also, this could’ve been taken anywhere.

23. In the summertime, there’s nothing more fun than zip-lining. Women love zip-lining.

And she has to do it wearing no helmet whatsoever. Not necessarily a stellar example in safety.

24. Hairstyles Unlimited: for your constant loveliness.

Or the kind of salon you’d imagine Willie Wonka run if he worked as a hairdresser instead of a confectioner. He’d still have slave labor doing the actual styling though.

25. “Millionaire softened water makes me feel so good all over-why not try it?”

Still, how did she get out of the bath with full makeup, perfect hair, and high heeled shoes? I don’t understand it.

26. Huntington Maintenance and Sanitation products ensure quality cleanliness.

Still, this guy is just full of himself. For God’s sake he has his one image on a barrel.

27. “Seasons Greetings from Texas.”

Does it even snow in that state? Cause that just doesn’t look like Texas to me. To think this snow scene is from Texas defies all logical explanation.

28. This bamboo rake will rake in profits for you.

Like you didn’t know money grows on trees. Also, that background looks fake.

29. A beach vacation will always give you fun in the sun.

But with the right hairspray, your hair will be perfect even after hit by a tidal wave. Also, she has bad tan lines that I almost thought her swimsuit fell apart.

30. Here we have a Native American brave emerging from his wigwam.

Now this would be fine if this postcard came from the Midwest. But it’s actually from New York state. So why he’s wearing a warbonnet is beyond me.

31. Always fight for God, country, and flag.

Yet, this kind of imagery reflects the white Christian nationalism that got Donald Trump elected. And despite the pageantry, Trump doesn’t go to church, isn’t a patriot, and sure doesn’t respect the flag.

32. Electrolux gives you cleaning pleasure.

Like how is that a thing? I can’t even fathom that. Vacuums are incessant noise machines, damn it!

33. Behold, the world’s first automatic post office.

Guess this doesn’t make the postal workers happy. Automation has killed a lot of jobs for decades.

34. “How about I aim for that rabbit over there?”

Looking at their faces, I’m not sure if they know what they’re doing. Then again, they may not be aiming at an animal.

35. Come to Ralph’s Restaurant, home of the char-glo steaks.

What’s a char-glo steak? Is it a piece of steak grilled over uranium? Cause I’m not sure if I want to eat that.

36. You don’t know the real meaning of emancipation until you see the giant Abraham Lincoln statue.

On the bright side, at least this cartoonish statue isn’t in Gettysburg. And no, old Abe isn’t giving the finger despite your initial impressions.

37. Beauty Line shutters provide a perfect, “finishing touch.”

For some reason, advertisers seemed believe they can use scantily clad women to sell anything. Also, shutters are mostly considered window dressing these days anyway.

38. Kenny Kangaroo is here to give you fond memories.

For the love of God, keep your kids away from this costumed kangaroo. He may seem friendly but you’ll soon find yourself in a windowless van headed for some rich guy’s sex dungeon in who knows where.

39. Hi there! Heard you missed Sunday school last week.

Courtesy of the First Methodist Church of Stepford, apparently. I think they might be robots. Or folks who lure black people for seniors to assume their identities.

40. Here we come to a man sitting near a world class polar bear from Siberia that he shot and mounted.

Posing with a polar bear might make him feel like a badass. But in reality, he’s probably compensating for something. Seriously, that’s not cool.

41. You’ll always have a ball at the beach.

But it’s all fun and games until little Timmy shits his pants. Then he gets very cranky.

42. The lily pond always has the prettiest flowers.

Yet, she doesn’t seem the least bit disturbed about being a smorgasbord for mosquitoes. And let’s just say you don’t want to get malaria or Zika.

43. At the beach, there’s always “fun among the sea oats.”

You can get plenty of innuendo in this one. Are you feeling the oats?

44. Strategy in WWII hasn’t been brought to life like this before.

This wax display doesn’t seem lifelike at all. Dwight Eisenhower doesn’t seem to be contributing much at all. He’s in the right corner by the way.

45. Crazy Johnnie’s taxidermy has everything for your big game decorating needs.

This is kind of disturbing. Even more disconcerting are the bear stuff and the baby seal mount. Seriously, what monster would kill a baby seal?

46. “Have you had your thermal bath?”

Neither woman seems to mind being wrapped cocoons. For all they know, the staff could kill them in their sleep and throw them in the river.

47. This woman has kind of a cheesy disposition.

Wallace, may I introduce you to the perfect woman. She has all her curds in the right places. So who am I to diss a brie?

48. And you thought a car ride was too much to bear. Not anymore.

Though that bear is kind of small. But I sure don’t want that guy being behind the wheel. Might become lunch on the way.

49. Looks like Wally finally caught that big fish.

However, it makes catching big tuna seem way too easy than it really is. Still, hope that beach doesn’t have a catch and release policy.

50. Come to Groton, Connecticut, “The Submarine Capital of the World.”

The postcard would be fine if it had shown an actual submarine. This is a motorboat. Guess a sub wasn’t available for the photoshoot.

51. Here we witness a dramatic reenactment of the Cherokee Harvest Dance.

Chief Kevin was unimpressed by Pete and Bob’s imitation of Cirque du Soleil. Yet, Margaret was absolutely bored out of her mind.

52. Come to Kalaska, Michigan for the National Trout Festival.

Tonight we feature giant zombie trout that devours fishermen whole with impunity. Many fishing enthusiasts don’t dare face the dreaded fish for fear they’ll never be seen again.

53. Greetings from Daytona Beach, the world’s most famous beach.

And here we have a line of women in swimsuits to entice men to go there. And all pretty much have to look somewhat the same but not wear the same outfit.

54. This little girl caught a fish that couldn’t fit in her wagon.

Sure it’s about as big as she is. And yes, she probably had help from her parents. But can’t you let a little girl be proud of her achievements for God’s sake?

55. “We are looking for you this Sunday.”

Funny how such illustrations in these church postcards make you wonder if there’s something sinister going on. Those people’s faces are incredibly creepy.

56. This Christmas, let R&R Toy be your Santa and make your seasons jolly.

Oh, hell no! Not nightmare Santa Claus. Why the hell is he near that kid? Doesn’t anyone have any idea how dangerous he is around children?

57. Jesus can show you the way toward life.

Because the road to death only leads to a long drop from a cliff. So yes, Jesus saves and not just a lot on your car insurance.

58. Bible Land brings you to a Garden of Life.

Still, admission to this place isn’t cheap. In fact, it will cost you 5 loaves, 2 fishes, and firstborn. Though you can slaughter a lamb and put its blood on your door to avoid paying the last part.

59. The diver has a rather spongy disposition.

Yes, those are some sponges. And no, you shouldn’t use them to clean your house or dishes.

60. An Alaskan wolf is a particularly vicious beast.

Sorry, but taxidermy just doesn’t make this animal look at all intimidating. Besides, wolves aren’t that ferocious except when protecting their cubs.

61. Come to behold the scenic beauty of Balanced Rock.

That’s just a huge boulder. Why the hell does this make a worthy postcard? I don’t understand.

62. Come to Chappaquiddick, Massachusetts to admire the wondrous Dyke Bridge.

You remember this one-lane bridge as the place where Ted Kennedy nearly destroyed his political career. Heard they have a guide to show you where Mary Jo Kopeche died while being trapped in her car.

63. It’s always a magical visit to the Castle of Gnomes.

Don’t worry, kids. They’re just made of porcelain. No, they’re not trying to kill you or haunt your dreams. You just have a vivid imagination. Nothing to see here.

64. You can meet the deer close up at Mt. Rainier National Park.

Still, if a deer loses its fear of humans, that’s not good. Also, that girl, well, I heard her dad’s supposed to be a hairy sasquatch wandering the woods and eluding anyone trying to look for him.

65. Behold, the majestic beauty of the Blowing Rock.

Once again, that’s just a rock. There’s nothing remarkable about it. Besides, how is it supposed to be “blowing?”

66. “Greetings from Kansas.”

Doesn’t look very exciting does it? For God’s sake I think it could attract tourism it included at least a tornado.

67. The Salesmate is a new portable audio-visual selling tool.

You mean they had portable TV you can fold up from a suitcase? Why haven’t I heard of this?

68. “Howdy from Nevada.”

Seems like it consists of a long stretch of a desert highway. Though the purple mountains majesties are pretty. But that’s not why most people go to Nevada.

69. Candle Art Creations always try to please.

I’m sure acid had something to do with some of their designs. Not sure if I’d want any of these in my home.

70. Flower Fresh Cleaning keeps your living room as good as new.

From Bad Postcards: “Housewife Winifred notices that Hank, her Duraclean Man, looks tired from a long day of cleaning and offers him a chair massage. Hank, always the willing reciprocator at house calls, offers Winifred a “special” foot bath that will satisfy two of his fetishes: suds and feet.”

Signs of an Abusive Relationship (with Donald Trump)

Abusive relationships can take many forms. However, as you see on the news, America has currently been in a very abusive relationship with Donald Trump who’s now the president. Well, at least that’s what’s on the stationary because there’s no way in hell I’m acknowledging his legitimacy. Anyway, there are a lot of victims of domestic abuse who have states how Trump acts like their abuser. Then there was this one writer from Teen Vogue who wrote how Trump is gaslighting America. Of course, Donald Trump doesn’t beat the crap out of America. But an abuser doesn’t have to be violent to inflict harm. Here is a list of signs in abusive relationships and how Trump embodies every single one. Still, unlike an abusive relationship with family or intimate partners, you can’t back out of this one until 2020.

1. Does something, denies it, and then exclaims you are crazy. (Gaslighting) (Warping a victim’s sense of reality through gaslighting is a favorite tactic among abusive spouses, strongmen, and narcissists in order to control them. Trump is no exception. In fact, Trump frequently uses gaslighting to get away with a lot of crap he does even denying some of his appalling actions on camera. In the presidential campaign alone, he had already accumulated a long list of statements he made which he later denied. Hell, even when confronted with video evidence, he’s often denied it. Best examples would be telling supporters to “knock the crap out” of protestors at his rallies and publicly mocking a disabled reporter. Though unlike what other abusers do, Trump usually accuses the “dishonest media” for distorting the public for airing such footage everyone sees with their own eyes.)
2. Accuses you of doing things you aren’t doing/things they are doing. (Projection) (Trump has frequently used projection in order to turn the public against his adversaries. His attacks on Hillary Clinton during the presidential campaign are a very good example of this since made her be an out of control corrupt elitist who can’t be trusted and cares nothing about the American people. However, such description fits Trump much better than Hillary {honestly, regardless of her flaws, Hillary is a saint compared to him. I did the research}. You can especially see his projection at work during the presidential debates. Unfortunately, for Hillary, one thing that did her campaign in was that too many Americans already saw her this way long before Trump came along, thanks to Republicans and Fox News. Sure Hillary may have baggage and her flaws, but Trump is much worse than she ever could be.)
3. Does a great job promising a great future and then delivering a nightmare. (As a candidate, Trump promised to “Make America Great Again” which resonated with so many white Americans who elected the bastard to the presidency. However, as president, it’s very clear that Trump will make many of his supporters’ lives a nightmare. Just look at the people he has in his cabinet and the fact he wants to cut healthcare away from many who voted for him. Another good example is with the Trump University scandal which ripped off thousands of people. Let’s just say Trump has a record of abusing power and screwing people who trusted him.)
4. Is a chronic liars and highly manipulative. (Trump lies so much that I can never tell when he’s telling the truth and have absolutely no trust in him, president or no president. Like any demagogue, Trump is a master at manipulating the masses whether it be through using racist dog whistles or flat out racism, tweeting conspiracy theories, appealing to nostalgia and sexism, and whatever else to get attention from the media as a trainwreck nobody could look away from. The fact, he sold himself during the election as someone who alone can fix our nation’s problems even though he can’t and doesn’t really want to.)
5. Uses guilt, hope, love, obligation, fear, or confusion to get what they want. (Trump has often used fear and confusion in his campaign speeches to get what he wanted, particularly fear of minorities and it took. Yet, he also uses nostalgia and nationalism, hence the phrase “Make America Great” again and “America First.”)
6. Often likes to agitate, provoke, argue, or “crazy make” and then pretends not to know why you are so upset. (Have you seen the guy’s Twitter feed? For God’s sake, the guy’s a shameless self-promoter and provocateur who’d tweet up some crazy conspiracy theory to distract the media from any shady stuff about him. For instance, he tweeted about Obama wiretapping him to deflect attention from his dealings with the Russians. His campaign has emboldened many of his supporters to fear minorities and some to commit hate crimes.)
7. Has a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” personality. (From how the media and many Americans saw his address to Congress, Trump certainly has this. Sometimes I think he’s scarier when he’s on his best behavior since it’s when he’s best able to manipulate people. When he’s being gracious and dignified, don’t be fooled. He’s playing you. Because his default personality has and will always be in Mr. Hyde mode.)
8. Has a staggering lack of empathy and (sincere) remorse for their behavior. (Despite my extensive research on Trump during election season, I don’t know of any incident in which he’s ever been unconditionally nice to anyone. Furthermore, Trump has never expressed any remorse for all the terrible things he’s done to people which there are many. He’s also never apologized for anything except to save face. Nor has he freely taken any responsibility for all the harm he’s caused. And he never admits he’s wrong about anything.)
9. Yells, name calls, belittles, and gives the silent treatment. (Though I know of no instances of Trump giving the silent treatment since he never shuts up, he has frequently called people who dared challenge him liars or losers.)
10. Frequently justifies bad behavior by blaming the victim or saying they deserved it, instead of taking any responsibility. (When Trump isn’t denying wrongdoing, he often blames people for their own suffering under him. For instance, whenever Trump is confronted with wage theft allegations in which he justifies with, “they did a terrible job.”)
11. Frequently makes promises but never intends to keep them and eventually breaks them. (Trump has often promised people to do stuff in order to get what he wants. But he usually never intends to keep them and will often break them if he can get away with it. This is how Trump gets a lot of contractors to work for him despite that he has often left them with nothing.)
12. Never makes any meaningful sacrifices and only shallowly reciprocates affections in order to retain power and control. (Though abusers may reciprocate a victim’s affections, it will only be to the point to keep them under their control and will not entail any meaningful sacrifices whatsoever. Trump is no different to his supporters. Sure he may hold rallies saying how much he sympathizes with their plight and appeal to their common prejudice, but he will do absolutely nothing to help them. Because as far as he’s concerned, Trump will only cater to his supporters because they give him what he wants.)
13. Openly mistreats social inferiors and marginalized people. (This is often known as the Waiter Rule, which states that if a person isn’t nice to the waiter, they won’t be nice to you. Plenty of abusive relationships could be prevented if more people observed this rule, but it’s a very hard one to follow given that the relationship is in its initial phases, high emotions, and that people look down on waiters. However, this logic fits perfectly with Donald Trump who has a long record of mistreating those below his social status as well as openly demonized minorities on the campaign trail. And though the latter has won him many supporters that he got elected, his fans have put themselves in a very vulnerable position by ignoring critical red flags.)
14. Prone to frequent outbursts, defensiveness, and playing the victim when confronted with evidence of bad behavior. (Whenever Trump is confronted with evidence of his bad behavior, he can get very defensive as you can see from his vicious Twitter tantrums. He may even blame the media for distorting his words and conduct so he can retain his base or elicit sympathy.)
15. Frequently threatens, retaliates, and defames anyone who challenges or criticizes them. (Trump has often threatened or filed lawsuits against those who dare challenge or criticized him even on the most trivial matters. He has often used litigation to ruin people’s lives such as people who’ve sued him over wage theft allegations. At one point he threatened to sue Janney Montgomery Scott unless they fire Mark Rothman after Rothman {correctly} predicted that Trump Taj Mahal would fail, which they did. Though Rothman is currently a very wealthy man, Trump put him through hell during the early 1990s, especially since Rothman sued both Trump and his former firm over the ordeal. In addition, Trump also likes to resort to character assassination against those who’ve spoken out against him and quite viciously and with false pretenses. I may see Ted Cruz whom as America’s Lucius Malfoy, but I can totally empathize why he didn’t want to endorse Trump at the GOP National Convention. During the GOP primary, Trump called Cruz’s wife ugly and alleged that his father conspired to kill John F. Kennedy. He’s also demonized Hillary Clinton, though he just had to bring up her dirty laundry and have it take over the media.)
16. Associates with and praises questionable people you wouldn’t want to be friends with. (You can always judge a man based on the company he keeps or who he admires. Trump is no exception and those he associates with and admires is very troubling. During the 2016, he has openly praised dictators who have suppressed dissent, violated human rights, and go against American interests. Throughout his life, Trump has done business with shady characters and participated in questionable deals with US enemies. The Trump administration’s relationship with the Russians is particularly disturbing with several members having Russian ties and Trump most likely getting money from them for his businesses. One instance had Trump investing in a project with very corrupt Azerbaijani oligarchs who operated a money laundering with the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.)
17. Makes constant demands on you to fulfill their expectations while seeing little obligation in returning the favor. (You can often see Trump do this in regards to women he sees as objects while being the fat, lecherous 70ish man he is. But the most egregious example is raving over Hillary’s e-mails as Secretary of State even though he and his company have been known to destroy documents and routinely erase e-mails on their personal accounts, according to court orders. And he still hasn’t released his tax returns.)
18. Shows no respect for your interests or well-being whatsoever. (Though many supporters would swear that Trump is their champion, his actions clearly show he cares little about them. Sure he may very well build his stupid wall, but he’s much more likely to enrich himself and his corporate buddies than enact measures creating well-paying jobs or improve their lives. Because Trump’s business practices clearly show he’s no friend to labor.)
19. Resorts to grand gestures and telling you want you want to hear to win you over or to keep you from leaving. (Trump’s rallies and patriotic grandstanding with messages like “Make America Great Again” or “America First” qualify as this.)
20. Has pissed off your friends and family for reasons that have nothing to do with ideological bias. (Trump has alienated a lot of US allies with cozying up to Russia as well as inflammatory rhetoric, especially Mexico.)
21. Has caused a lot of division among your family or friends who either love them or hate them which may or may not have something to do with ideological bias. (The fact so many people in my extended family, friends, and community have voted for Trump and stand by him despite how he’s such a wretched human being only fills me with great personal shame. To acknowledge that Trump is the President of the United States already goes beneath my dignity. But though I don’t write off Trump supporters as irredeemable, I find their willingness to make excuses for his behavior deeply appalling. Because excusing his actions only enables him to treat them and others like shit with no consequence. And I get no pleasure from seeing Trump supporters having to suffer for their bad decisions.)
22. Has a habit of alienating you from your family or friends. (Since I have a lot of relatives who supported Donald Trump, I can certainly testify to this. Hell, seeing so many Trump signs in my neck of the woods was a truly alienating experience for me.)
23. Assures you they’ll take care of everything with a superficial charm that lacks any substance. (Trump frequently assures his supporters that he’s the only one who could fix our country’s problems. But he never gets into specifics and a lot of his promises during his election campaign lacked any form of substance whatsoever. Sure he might win over a crowd, but he doesn’t seem to take people’s concerns seriously if they don’t suit his interests.)
24. Is frequently jealous and adversarial toward anyone who bruises their ego, especially if it’s someone they see as a social inferior. (His attacks on Barack Obama are a textbook example of this. Trump is racist and has a long history of racism. Since Obama ran for president, he has gone out of his way to delegitimize him for years {most notably in promoting birtherism}. Even after Obama became president, Trump has called for him to release his birth certificate to prove he was born in the US {which Obama did}. But even after that, Trump still questioned Obama’s citizenship as well as called for him to release his student records since he doubted his grades warranted him entry into an Ivy League school. But it’s not just the mere fact Obama’s a black president that rankles him. It’s also that Obama is still a highly beloved and respected public figure who is much more popular than Trump could ever be. Sure Obama may have inspired deep hatred among his detractors, thanks to racism. And yes, the public might not always agree or support his policies. Yet, the reasons why people view Obama very highly has a lot to do with his impeccable character, his rhetoric, the image of America he projected onto the world, and that his policies did a lot of good for so many people.)
25. Lacks self-control and never practices self-restraint. (Trump fits this to a tee since he’s a guy who ordered an airstrike of 59 Tomahawk missiles in Syria on a whim.)
26. Never makes any effort to change their behavior despite promising to do so time and time again. (Trump has done this all the time. Remember how many times he promised to release his tax returns? Or divest himself from his businesses? Oh, wait he’s profiting from the presidency and making sweetheart deals with foreign entities.)
27. You frequently question whether they have your best interests at heart or using you for their own self-fulfillment. (This might not be the case for all Trump supporters right now. But a Trump regrets feed does exist.)
28. Treats their own family like crap if they have a relationship with them at all. (He’s cut off financial support from his great-nephew with cerebral palsy. He says sexually suggestive things about Ivanka. Might’ve physically assaulted one of his sons. Said a lot of demeaning stuff about his first two wives.)
29. Loses their temper over the most trivial matters or whenever they don’t get their way. (Trump does this all the time as you’ve probably seen his tweets over SNL and Hamilton.)
30. Shows no desire to make any compromises or concessions for any mutual benefit whatsoever. (With Trump, it’s always about him. He expects loyalty but will stab anyone in the back if he sees fit.)
31. Compels you to lower your standards of behavior and continuously make excuses for them out of fear. (He has led Republicans and voters to this as he degrades political norms, undermines democracy, profits off the presidency, violates the Emoluments Clause, colludes with Russia, etc.)
32. Lashes out when you pry into their stuff or find out what they don’t want you to know about them. (Trump especially hates it when anyone pries into his financial records and businesses. That’s why he hasn’t released his tax returns.)
33. Threatens to make your life hell if you don’t do what they expect of you. (Trump has threatened Republicans that if they don’t do what he wants, he’ll rile his supporters to vote them out of office.)
34. Has a habit of objectifying women, even in very creepy ways. (Trump does this all the time, when he talks about his daughter Ivanka. But he also said very disturbing things about Tiffany when she was a baby. Oh, and he bragged about committing sexual assault.)
35. Undermines values you hold most dear. (Basically when Trump says racist stuff and how America is no different from Russia. His policies pertaining to immigration and criminal justice which undermine civil rights and American diversity and pluralism. Constantly shows hostility toward the press. We need to face the fact that Trump isn’t a patriot and doesn’t value democracy, the Constitution, US history, or American values.)

The Lofty World of Hot Air Balloons

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In some areas during the spring, summer, and fall, you might see a hot air balloon or two effortlessly floating in the sky.  Though you may not see them often in the sky, you might see them in decorations and in many postcard worthy pictures like the one above. Still, these lighter than air aircraft consist of a large envelope bag containing heated air which makes it buoyant, usually with an open flame. Invented by the Mongolfier brothers in the 1780s, the hot air balloon was the first successful human-carrying flight technology with the first manned flight taking place in 1783 Paris. Though unmanned ones have existed in China since the 3 Kingdoms era. Today modern hot air balloons are mainly used for advertising and recreation. Yet, they can fly at extremely high altitudes and long distances if need be. Unlike other aircraft, hot air balloons can come in various shapes, sizes, and colors. There are even hot air balloon festivals from around the world which can include races, evening “night glows,” rides, and other activities. But here, I bring you a treasure trove of these fabulous flying machines for your unique reading pleasure.

  1. You’d almost think this balloon is out of this world.

Though the space shuttle seems quite out of place among balloons. Yet, it’s quite awesome to look at.

2. “I tawt I taw a puddy tat.”

You can guess that this balloon has attributes of Tweety Bird. Though you’d probably never saw him up that high before.

3. A balloon like this is reserved for high flying celebrations.

Must be honoring someone or some establishment’s 100th birthday. Yet, I don’t think the candles add up.

4. Now that’s what I call a fly ball.

Okay, “fly ball” is a baseball term and this is a football balloon. Still, football season’s coming up soon.

5. There’s something magical about this castle in the air.

This is for Disneyland. Guess they have their own hot air balloon festival for the tourists.

6. Never thought I’d see a perching bird that huge.

Don’t worry, it’s just a hot air balloon. Not the result of a nuclear power plant accident. So just relax.

7. How about a nice cold pint in the sky?

Yes, apparently, they have beer shaped hot air balloons. But I suppose this is for an advertiser.

8. Watch our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ ascend into the heavens.

May not be like the lauded paintings from the Renaissance. But it’s close enough. And kind of hilarious.

9. Who says that pigs don’t fly?

Though the wings are quite small on this one. Yet, I like the cool shades.

10. Since it’s the Trump administration, I’d have to add a zebra.

The zebras were a bunch of people in costumes in La Paz, Bolivia to calm down traffic. Yet, this kind of resembles one of them.

11. A bouquet of tulips always looks stunning in the air.

Sure they’re not real. But you can’t help but admire them from hundreds of feet. Guess these are for spring.

12. Hope this blue clown can put a smile on your face.

On second thought, that’s kind of creepy. Don’t know why we have clowns stuff like this.

13. Nobody can resist this cute balloon penguin.

Looks a little sad. Still, it’s so adorable that you’d want to hug it and keep it for your very own.

14. The cactus looks as if it’s about to get high right now.

Well, it’s wearing sunglasses. But I’d watch the arms if I were you.

15. Seems like this little bee is quite flighty.

After all, this bee is about as sweet as honey. Seeing it fluttering in the sky is an absolute joy.

16. Wells Fargo sure enjoy their piggy banks.

So much so that they were involved in a scandal pertaining to savings accounts. Though you have to love the hearts on its cheeks.

17. Wonder how this shoe house will get off the ground.

This is perhaps a rendition of the “Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe.” But in this case, it’s a Timberland.

18. A star-spangled balloon never fails to please.

It’s blue with white stars on top. Yet, the rest of it consists of red and white checks.

19. Seems like you can find this happy Jack in a box.

Well, it’s a jack-in-the-box. Though it’s not as creepy as some of the real things.

20. Tesco is the supermarket with the great large shopping carts in the sky.

Well, that’s kind of clever. Yet, I’m sure this isn’t a for a US chain store. Because I’ve never heard of the company.

21. You’d almost think you can fly when you’re on this balloon.

It’s supposed to depict Disney’s Peter Pan. Though considered a classic, it’s one of my least favorite Disney movies.

22. There’s a no more American hot air balloon than one of Uncle Sam.

This one has an Uncle Sam face and hat. But at least he seems happy to take to the skies.

23. This one of a kind hot rod is powered only through hot air.

Yes, you can have hot air balloons of cool stuff like this. Though you’d have to use a lot of canvas or nylon.

24. How about a balloon with a more prehistoric flair?

This T-Rex in the sky doesn’t really look like much. Yet, aerial photography isn’t always the best.

25. I’m sure you’ll have it easy getting this Humpty Dumpty over a wall.

Even if it’s Trump’s wall which would do absolutely nothing to keep undocumented immigrants out. But this is cute.

26. Tonight, I hear you can watch a cow jump over the moon.

This is from another nursery rhyme called “Hey Diddle Diddle.” Let’s just say its lines make no sense whatsoever.

27. You’d almost think this hot air balloon came from outer space.

Well, at least the default shape is perfect for the alien head. Hope it doesn’t land in Roswell, New Mexico.

28. This cute little clownfish may not be Nemo but it’ll do.

This one seems to have a little curious grin on its face. Yet it seems to take sailing the skies like swimming in the ocean.

29. These sky carrots apparently belong in their own patch.

Looks like we have a lovely bunch of nylon carrots. Too bad they’ll be devoured by rabbit balloons later.

30. You might find this hot air balloon quite finger lickin’ good.

Yes, there’s KFC hot air balloon, too. Yet, whatever’s in it won’t be good for your blood vessels. I guarantee it.

31. A Lisa Frank hot air balloon shows your girly rainbow pride.

Man, I loved Lisa Frank when I was a kid. Still, this has enough rainbow and glitter to spare.

32. Apparently, this balloon is filled with the luck of the Irish.

Well, it’s a shamrock balloon. So it’s perfect for flying over your local Saint Patrick’s Day parade.

33. A windmill hot air balloon has a fine country touch.

Seems like this one’s from the Netherlands. Mostly because the blades have the Dutch flag. Also, it’s a windmill.

34. With this balloon, the stars and stripes surely fly.

Yes, that’s a big hot air balloon. But at least it has all the stars and stripes.

35. Never though a house in the sky could be this haunted.

This one is for Halloween. Nevertheless, you’ll find hot air balloons for all sorts of occasions.

36. Is there a fire somewhere in the sky?

Seems like this fire truck balloon has a little face on it. Hope it can put out the fire in time.

37. Famous Footwear really put their foot on this one.

Yes, you’ll see a lot of advertiser balloons at a festival. Still, Famous Footwear’s one is perfect.

38. Wonder what creature head this one belongs to.

Resembles a green pointy eared antenna space alien to me. But yes, that’s a very gruesome show of fangs.

39. You might want to take a cue from a pink elephant.

Of course the whole expression of “pink elephant” is totally lost on kids. And yet, this guy looks wasted.

40. Care for a bouquet in the clouds?

This just consists of a bunch of balloons on a pile to make it resemble flowers. Yet, it also looks a bit like rainbow ice cream.

41. Wonder how much a lighthouse can see if it can fly.

A lot more than a regular lighthouse. But this lighthouse balloon is right on the money.

42. A Mardi Gras clown balloon is perfect for a high flying carnival.

As you can see, it has a yellow, green, and purple hat with jingles. Still, not scary as the previous clown.

43. Thought you’d never see a hot air balloon shimmer in the night life.

Yes, this is a hot air balloon in neon lights. And boy, do those lights dazzle like an electric sign?

44. This princess really has her head in the clouds.

She wears a golden crown and has on a pearl necklace. So pretty.

45. With this hot air balloon, adventure awaits at Paradise Falls.

You can bet I had to include the Up house in this hot air balloon post. Still, the house is the basket.

46. Is that a gambling bug flying around?

Well, it has card suites, antennae, and 6 digit.s Yet, it seems to be quite handy with a full deck.

47. The King has made landfall.

But I have to tell you that Elvis has been dead since 1977. Not kidnapped by aliens. But enjoy this hot air balloon in his likeness in the meantime.

48. With this hot air balloon, you’ll have a sea fantasy on a snowy day.

Consists of a happy octopus with a smiling fish and starfish. So adorable but more appropriate at the beach.

49. Celebrate American independence with this hot air balloon.

It’s decked in American flag colors with the Declaration of Independence. Another piece of Americana I had to include.

50. Why modernize when you can just copy an original?

This is a modern rendition of the Mongolfier balloon they used in the 18th century. Strangely it has a Belgian flag instead of the French one in that basket.

51. This rocket balloon will always soar in American glory.

Sure it won’t take you to outer space. But you’ll certainly take to the skies.

52. This hot hair balloon has become this dragon’s true domain.

Okay, it doesn’t look scary. But it goes around the balloon and breathes fire.

53. Someone has to keep law and order in the skies.

Well, this sheriff balloon has a rather quaint look to it. Even has a bobby hat and a sheriff star.

54. I guess this hot air balloon has a medical disposition.

This one has the caduceus insignia on it to symbolize medicine. Guess a simple red cross was already taken.

55. A polar bear hot air balloon is filled with Arctic might.

Guess this was to spread more awareness on climate change. Still, it’s huge when you look at it from the ground.

56. A sky high panda bear is always a wondrous sight to see.

Because what’s cuter than a bear balloon is a panda bear balloon. So adorable you want to cuddle it.

57. Apparently, balloon isn’t meant for the whole family.

Is this to advertise condoms, vibrators, or dildos? At any rate, wouldn’t want to see it from a mile away.

58. This pot seems to have its lid screwed on just right.

Yet, it doesn’t seem to be worried in the open air. From here on, it’s smooth sailing.

59. You’d almost imagine little green men coming out of this one.

Well, it’s a UFO hot air balloon. But some people might not see it this way and perhaps wish whoever’s operating it to take them to their leader.

60. This basset hound is always on the trail up in the air.

This hound is of orange, black, and white. But you’d never find a dog in the skies like it.

61. The Orient Express now offers air service.

Okay, it doesn’t provide air service because it’s a train. But still, this balloon is a near perfect likeness of a steam engine.

62. This skyward barn has much to offer.

Sure it looks like what you’d see in a kiddie’s play set. Even has a cow sticking out of it.

63. This alarm clock balloon will always tell you the time of day.

Well, it’s surely happy to tell you the time. Seems to sport such a happy face.

64. “She keeps a Moet et Chandon in  a pretty cabinet…”

It it’s a kind of wine. But the balloon of it here only consists of the cork.

65. “The Wells Fargo wagon is a-comin’ down the street…”

Well, a stage coach like this is a Wells Fargo icon. So it’s only fitting I include it here.

66. Someone’s got their mind up in the air.

Well, that’s quite a brainy balloon. I know it’s kind of sick but I’m sure some readers will find it pleasing.

67. While the United States has the stars and stripes, Canada has the red maple leaf.

Still, living in the Trump administration, I have to envy them for having a good looking prime minister like Justin Trudeau. Nevertheless, I’ll probably hear more about them come hockey season.

68. A caravel always sails effortlessly through the skies.

Though a real wooden ship wouldn’t look as pretty as this outside the movies. But it’s surely lovely to behold.

69. Now here’s a fire extinguisher that could put out a wildfire.

Okay, I’m kidding on that one. But I’m sure the people of California could only wish this was a real fire extinguisher instead of a balloon of one.

70. Of course, you can’t have a hot air balloon festival without including Noah’s Ark.

Because it’s a big boat with all the animals on it which kids can enjoy. Sure they were on there to wait out a flood. But nobody cares when it’s a balloon festival.

71. No hot air balloon festival is ever complete without a butterfly.

This one has especially colorful wings. And an adorable little face to go with them.

72. Perhaps you might want to see EPCOT fly these days.

Now EPCOT is a part of the Walt Disney World in Florida. Also, I’ve actually been there back in 2008.

73. Even in the sky you’ll bound to behold a tasty chocolate sundae.

This one includes a cone and a cherry on top. But don’t bet on them serving ice cream there.

74. This turtle is always ready to take off from anywhere.

Too bad he has his shoes untied. Then again, he’ll probably still beat the hare anyway.

75. Never thought I’d see a green Jaguar in the air.

I’m sure people attending the festival would later buy a Jaguar. If they happen to possess a Swiss bank account or a yacht.

76. Even at a hot air balloon festival, Mr. Peanut always knows how to make an entrance.

And even after so many years, he’s as dapper as ever. Only difference is that he’s voiced by Bill Hader.

77. In case of a blaze, you can always count on this guy.

Okay, he won’t actually put out fires. But you have to love him in his large, red fireman hat.

78. Now here’s a hot air balloon that keeps going and going…

Because that’s what the Energizer Bunny does. Well, until the batteries inside it die.

79. A US spaceman takes it to infinity and beyond.

Sure it has an over-sized head and short limbs. But I’m sure space geeks will adore it.

80. A jack-o-lantern hot air balloon is pure Halloween delight.

I guess this is for a fall hot air balloon festival. Wonder if it lights up at night like the real thing.

81. A Remax house always makes for a happy home.

Too I can’t see more of this thing. Then again, it’s sometimes hard to take pictures of hot air balloons that do justice.

82. Not sure if this is the kind of atmosphere for a deep sea diver.

And this one is dressed in a black and yellow suit. Cute but not sure if the sky is the best place for it.

83. There’s nothing more fluffy in the sky than a small cottage

This is for bread, I recall. Yet, the home appears rather quaint and cozy like a Keebler elf house.

84. A macaw in the sky is a colorful parrot to behold on a ledge.

Yes, it’s in a perching position. But the bird itself really can fly. Guess sitting is more regal in a hot air balloon form.

85. The sky is a wonderful place for a peacock to spread its wings.

Well, doesn’t seem to have much of a train. But a colorful tail like that will surely do for me.

86. A lofty hot air balloon can depict a symbol of the nation.

Though I’d much rather like a bald eagle attack Donald Trump. Because he’s an illegitimate president and narcissistic sociopath with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

87. This hot air balloon seeks to raise awareness and fight for the cure.

Then again, I kind of wish the Breast Cancer Awareness should focus on prevention. But yes, we should talk about it more. And not just in October.

88. Horton the Elephant will always be faithful 100% in flight.

Nice to see a hot air balloon of Horton from the Jungle of Nool. Yet, I have no idea where his clover is which has the speck of dust of Whoville.

89. Seems like this hot air balloon comes straight from the Dark Side.

I can almost hear the notes to the “Imperial March.” Still, this Darth Vader balloon is pretty damn cool.

90. If you liked Mike Wazowski from Monster’s Inc., then you’ll like this hot air balloon.

Yes, he’s everyone’s favorite cyclops. Though you’d have to hear him and Sully sing, “Put That Thing Back Where It Came From or So Help Me.”

91. Odd to see a pair of pants in the air. Wonder who put them there.

I know you’d think it’s a strange hot air balloon shape. But at least it’s an original design.

92. This penguin is all ready for fun in the sun.

It even has sunglasses, sandals, a hat, and Hawaiian shirt. So adorable.

93. Perhaps you’d want a bottle of wine for the skies.

Not sure what the wine is. But it sure has a lovely bottle design. Quite distinctive.

94. Not sure how a forklift operates in the sky.

Well, it’s for a forklift company. Still, you’d have to give kudos for this balloon design.

95. Large green balloon, Yoda is.

Little wrinkled and green man, Yoda is. But balloon amplifies his head tremendously, it does.

96. You wouldn’t expect Santa Claus to show up in a balloon of his own likeness.

Yes, they have hot air balloon festivals all year long. Even around Christmas. And this Santa is huge.

97.  Wonder if this scarecrow can frighten the crows this high.

Probably since it’s so high. But on the other hand, it’s so adorable with its smile.

98. Oust will always keep the air fresh, even in the skies.

Though I’m not sure this will help you ward off odors of cow manure. Because it’s a hot air balloon.

99. Christ the Redeemer rises in Rio.

Bet this was for the Olympic Games in Rio. Still, have to admire Jesus’s jersey.

100. You can never have a great balloon fest without including Ben and Jerry.

Though this balloon doesn’t have any of its wacky flavors. Still, it soars.

The Funerary World of Coffins

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It is often said that funerals are more meant for the living than the deceased since it involves saying goodbye to a loved one. Of course, this year, I had to attend my grandfather’s funeral on the week of my birthday back in January. Now while it’s hard to deal with his loss for me and anyone else in my family, his death wasn’t much of a shock since he was 89 years old. Nevertheless, funerals are often big business since death is an inevitable part of the human existence. I mean sooner or later we’re all going to die. So we might as well get used to it. Funerals are a ritual in which we celebrate a recently dead person’s life before we send them on their way to the great beyond. Oftentimes this would involve embalming the person’s body and sticking them in a ludicrously expensive box known as a casket or coffin. For the next few days that body is on display for a viewing until just before the funeral in which they’re often shipped away to a place of worship and later the cemetery and six feet under. Normally a coffin is a long rectangular (or hexagonal) wooden (or metal) box which often contains a cloth liner and a pillow. Yet, there are some custom coffins out there which can be a little creative, which is where I come in. So for your reading pleasure, I give you an assortment of crazy coffins you’ll probably never see at anyone’s funeral. Enjoy.

  1. If your late nana always wanted to take a cruise but couldn’t, you might want to bury her in this.

There is a place in Ghana where they make custom made coffins like this. I guess this is for someone who worked on a cruise ship.

2. With a coffin like this, your dead pilot can reach the heavens in no time.

So what if it doesn’t actually fly. It’s just perfect for that one co-pilot on a flight to that great destination in the sky.

3. For a departed ballerina, a slipper casket will do.

Might be for Nina from Black Swan after she fatally stabbed herself. But it’s more likely for a dance teacher or choreographer.

4. Seems like John was a snooker man.

Because the balls here are all one color. Had he played pool, he would’ve been in more trouble a lot earlier.

5. Looks like this casket is bent over.

It’s actually a sitting coffin designed by surrealist Rene Magritte. You know him for his freaky paintings with the guy’s head behind an apple.

6. If you’re in a casket like this, it’s always hammer time.

That or it’s a perfect sendoff for a someone who was a real tool. Still, you don’t want to nail it in too hard.

7. Now this is a perfect send off for a real mother hen.

This is weird looking chicken. But I guess the deceased was a farmer. Though you can’t count them until they hatch.

8. This pink fish coffin is designed for those who let the big one get away.

Well, I guess there are pink fish in Africa. Still, talk about a fish out of water.

9. Of course, these coffins can give you the “fun” in funeral.

These one stand up and have faces on them. Not sure if they help ease the grieving process.

10. Your Uncle Stan may not be able to take his hot rod with him, but this is the next best thing.

I guess this casket didn’t come cheap. Then again, none of these do.

11. I’m guessing this was custom made for a woman.

Because it has boobs on it. Still, women have been buried in regular caskets for like ever.

12. For a funeral in Aspen, may I recommend an Alpine sendoff.

Well, this doesn’t seem too expensive. Just put the corpse in a bag and tie them to a sled with skis.

13. Now poor Charlie is literally in the jaws of death.

Yes, this is a shark coffin. I know what you’re thinking. But come on, I had to include one of these on my post.

14. Seems like this casket is someone’s key for the afterlife.

Though you’d be press to find a door it can unlock. Yet, it’s quite clever and simpler than some of the other designs.

15. A fancy car coffin should send you to that high end club in the sky.

Yes, there are coffins of cars, too. And this one’s windows are lined to give the dead person privacy.

16. There’s nothing like one last smoke before final departure.

Ever want to guess what killed this person. I think I have an idea. I mean it’s shaped like a cigarette so it’s practically obvious.

17. Before you go to the great beyond, remember to give us a call.

Turns out this Blackberry coffin has its own cover. Though the deceased is never calling back.

18. You’d find this casket rather reflective.

Well, it’s made from mirrors. Then again, light might bounce off of it if it’s a particularly sunny day.

19. How about be buried in a fancy eco-coffin?

These are cardboard coffins that disintegrate with the corpse over time. And they come in a variety of patterns.

20. If you’re on the highway to hell, why not have flames on your casket?

Yes, it certainly looks badass. Yet, you’d have to wonder who’d want to be buried in this.

21. Seems like fins are sticking out.

Actually the shark fins are part of the casket. Gives a more badass touch so to speak.

22. A Nintendo fan wouldn’t leave without their controls.

Sure the controls won’t work. But that doesn’t matter where this guy’s going.

23. He always wanted to go out with a bang.

Let’s hope that whatever this coffin looks like didn’t get him there. Because we all know what guns do to people.

24. How about you take your final trip in a convertible?

Well, you may not be able to get dates in it. Unless they happen to be among the choirs of angels.

25. You can say Brad lit up everyone’s lives.

That or he was a renowned electrician. Then again, even electricians will eventually burn out.

26. This eagle casket will certainly send your loved one soaring.

I have to admit, it has really nice feathers. Still, it’s more of a totem figure than anything.

27. For this deceased, it’s all 7s.

I guess this guy never had this much luck at a slot machine. Because no one ever does.

28. I guess who’s ever in there was a real basket case.

This is a wicker coffin and yes, it’s said to be eco friendly. Wonder if the Israelites put a dead Moses in one and sent him down the river. Oh, wait, they were in the desert. But it would’ve been an appropriate funeral for him.

29. If you’re in this coffin, chances are you’ll meet the Doctor at another time.

Well, I’m sure Doctor Who fans would want to be buried in this. Hope they don’t run into any Daleks along the way.

30. Your loved one will be camping forever in this one.

After all, people did camp in such trailers back in the day. And the windows have striped curtains.

31. Guess this woman is doing a solo on someone’s casket.

Well, it’s shaped like a large guitar. Yet, it’s a perfect sendoff for any well-known rock star.

32. Perhaps you might want a perfect picture of the afterlife.

This is a Canon. I’m sure it doesn’t work. But it certainly looks state of the art.

33. Send off your dead loved one in a casket of luxury.

By the way, this is what Michael Jackson’s coffin looked like. I’m sure it didn’t come cheap.

34. A boat motor coffin is perfect for whatever floats your boat.

Why a motor? Doesn’t make sense to me. Also does it float when you put it on the water?

35. A glass coffin always makes death transparent.

For some reason, I find the glass coffin idea kind of creepy. Must be due to Snow White, I guess.

36. If you want to make a statement, get buried in neon.

Now that’s my kind of coffin. Love the metallic stripes on it. So pretty.

37. Seems like a late DJ can drop a few beats.

Yet, I’m sure the club in the sky will have a very good selection. In fact, many of the musicians themselves are there.

38. Who’s said that a coffin should fit one when this fits 3?

There’s actually a sad story behind this one. So I won’t recall it. But yes, these do exist.

39. If you want a custom made coffin, this seems like a good fit.

Seems more like a containment chamber than a coffer. But hey, to each his own.

40. With this coffin, you can play video games for all eternity.

I’m sure plenty of people would want that. Yet, how can you play video games if you’re dead?

41. Instead of just a box, how about add a box kite?

After all, death should be a time when one should fly. Because death is always forever.

42. Perhaps it’s best to bury him the way they found him.

I guess they have a crime scene coffin, too. Not sure if that’s right. But it looks pretty funny.

43. For those who love beer, it’s an honor to be buried in a Pabst blue label.

Hope this person didn’t die from liver cirrhosis. Because alcoholism is a major problem right now.

44. This coffin was made for a real NASCAR sendoff.

Yet, if you want the real thing, make sure it crashes and burns into another coffin just like it. Not sure if that’s possible though.

45. This Twix coffin was built for 2.

Because Twix come in packs of 2. Hope you can get the picture here.

46. Lie in this coffin and nobody will forget you.

This is another Ghana coffin. Notice that it’s more in a traditional style.

47. You’d almost think this coffin was somebody’s dream house.

Well, sort of. But it certainly has a nice roof and porch to it. Love it.

48. This guy must’ve been a real monkey wrench back in his day.

Well, at least that one was easier to make than the hammer. But I wonder how you’d bury it.

49. Nothing makes a great send off than lying in a flamboyant lizard.

Well, if you can’t get buried in a dinosaur, then this must be the next best thing. But it’s still pretty cool.

50. Now this is how you pay tribute to an American hero.

Too bad the military just sticks with regular wooden coffins and draped flags. This seems more appropriate.

51. A dead piano player has to lie in this classy coffin.

This one even has keys on the side. Sure they don’t work, but it’s quite grand.

52. Looks like this coffin has received a lot of signage.

Though signing one’s casket isn’t usually a funerary tradition. Then again, to each his own.

53. An ocean lover would certainly would like to lie in this squid.

Then again, they’s probably prefer fish. But this seems like it can float one’s boat.

54. How about the porcelain treatment?

It’s just a wooden box with porcelain designs. Seems more appropriate for a china closet than 6 feet under.

55. This Nikon coffin is very state of the art.

Even resembles a real camera. May not take pretty pictures. But doesn’t look half bad.

56. Any last concessions?

I mean it’s a concession stand casket. But Quaker is the only brand I recognize.

57. How about a call back with this Nokia coffin?

This one even has a video screen. And I also hear it’s rather indestructible, too.

58. Ever wish you can be buried in your yacht? Now you can.

Well, sort of. Doesn’t quite resemble a yacht. But it’ll probably cost you an arm and a leg.

59. Bet you’re sure where this train car is going to take you.

Well, it more or less resembles a passenger car, not an engine. Because I couldn’t find the train engine. But this works.

60. Wonder how well this coffins projects this person’s life.

Then again, it seems this person worked at a movie theater. Though the reels don’t have film.

61. Seems like the fine wine has gone to vinegar in this casket.

Still, it’s kind of strange to have a bottle in the cask. Like the guy is a bottle.

62. He who’s buried in the remote controls all.

And this is for a Philips DVD player. All right, but you can’t push the buttons.

63. If you can’t be buried in your luxury ride, this luxury coffin will do.

Sure it might be real nice on the inside. But the only trip this thing will take you is 6 feet under.

64. Never thought you could be buried in a vise.

After all, a vise isn’t among the cool tools out there. Still, I wonder if it has any adjustments.

65. Wouldn’t necessarily call it a walkman. More like a lie-man.

Well, it’s in the shape of a walkman which people haven’t used for years. It’s kind of like an obsolete mp3 player.

66. Imagine yourself lying dead inside this scary lobster.

Well, that’s a gruesome lobster coffin. Definitely don’t want to be buried in that.

67. You’ll probably burn being buried in a red hot chili pepper.

You’d think this place in Ghana would make coffins of just about anything. Not surprised by this.

68. If you’re holy, you’d might want a coffin of biblical proportions.

Even has gold leaf on the pages and title. Just like a Bible should. But you’ll only find a body in this one.

69. In this coffin, you can write your own eternity.

Heard they have one that’s specifically for her. As if women haven’t been using these for decades.

70. Perhaps you might opt for a Venetian sendoff.

Because in Venice, they travel through canal boats since a lot of their streets are waterways. Though don’t ask for a gondola to sing for you there.

71. I guess this guy lying here was a bit of an old timer.

After all, it’s the kind of car you’d see on Downton Abbey. Still, whoever’s in that coffin better be old.

72. This gives a whole new meaning to “one foot in the grave.”

And it seems to be a Nike sneaker in this case. Even has its own laces.

73. The iDie brings the latest in funerary technology.

Something tells me that Steve Jobs was buried in this. I mean he invented the thing.

74. Now this coffin appears as pretty as a peacock.

Well, it certainly has a vivid feather train. And the man who made it is very proud of himself.

75. This turtle coffin takes the slow course to the cemetery.

Though you have to admire the shell shades on this one. Colors really go together.

76. How about a beer coffin by the bottle?

Guess this is a Ghana brand. Yet, “Club Beer” is hardly an original name if you ask me.

77. This coffin seems to have money all over it.

Guess this will be Donald Trump’s coffin when he dies. Because money seems to be among the few things that matter to him.

78. Uh, isn’t that bag a bit too large for carry-on luggage.

Caption: “Student Kirsten stands next to a coffin looking like a travel bag in a museum in Kassel, central Germany, Thursday, June 9, 2005. The exhibition called “crazy coffins” contains 16 different coffins and is open from June 9 to September 4.”

79. You’ve heard of rolling in Benjamins. How about lying in them?

Yes, this coffin is a stack of money. Only meant for the 1% who basically take it from the rest of us day in and day out.

80. A fallen deer hunter should always receive this special treatment.

Bet my neighbors will get a kick out of this. It even includes camo coffin liner.

81. May you lie in your final resting spot well grilled to perfection.

Now this’ll make your next summer barbeque an awkward experience. But I think it’s quite amusing.

82. Sometimes one might want to go with a more concept coffin design.

Basically it says that one’s deceased loved one was basically like leftover restaurant food. Come on, that totally is styrofoam.

83. Even in death you should always put your best foot forward.

This one is a more manly shoe. And it has been shine you can see yourself in it.

84. Hop aboard this plane for great luxury seating arrangements.

Too bad it only sits one. But at least the pink lining goes with the blue paint.

85. Perhaps you shouldn’t mind lying exposed sometimes.

Not sure why they have a coffin like this. Still, you can open it behind the boobs.

86. A dead fisherman should be sent off in this big beauty.

Yes, it’s my third fish coffin on this post. And yes, it’s pink. But it a white stripe on its belly.

87. How’d you like to be in this bottle of Coca Cola?

It even stands up on its own, too. Anyway, wouldn’t want to be in there.

88. This Hello Kitty coffin is a rather girly delight.

Actually it’s kind of creepy. I mean Hello Kitty is for little girls. Little girls stuff shouldn’t be on coffins.

89. For a majestic soul, you might want to lie in this lion coffin.

This one seems to take a lot of craftsmanship. Check out the detail on that mane.

90. This coffin was brought to you by Ghana Air.

Yes, I had to include this one. Because that’s where a lot of these outrageous coffins were made.

91. If you’re in Sergeant Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, try this coffin for size.

Bob must’ve been a die hard Beatles fan to be buried in this coffin. Yet, 2 of the guys on the side are still alive.

92. With this Viking boat coffin, you can give your loved one a send off fit for a warrior.

Just make sure you set it on fire as you set it on the water. Because that’s what happens at a Viking funeral.

93. How’d you like to be buried in a bottle of Jack Daniels?

Bet that would be fine with people who’d eventually die from Jack Daniels. Like Frank Sinatra for instance.

94. Well, since your funeral is a final sendoff, you might as well go with this.

Sure it depicts Da Vinci’s Last Supper. But c’mon, it’s a Renaissance masterpiece for God’s sake.

95. May this Tupperware coffin always keep your remains fresh.

After all, Hannibal Lecter has given these good reviews on Amazon. Okay, I’m getting a little too weird here.

96. This Panasonic coffin can always capture the moment.

Well, it would certainly give you a moment you’d remember. Because most coffins aren’t shaped like cameras at all.

97. Be buried in a way that’s fitting to any Starfleet officer.

Notice that it’s yellow for a command officer. Because redshirt bodies are normally left behind on the planet.

98. Seems like someone was murdered in here.

Actually that’s part of the casket. I know someone has a very sick sense of humor.

99. Seems like this nurse has had her last shot.

And they’re apparently burying her in a hypodermic needle. Quite fitting if you ask me.

100. You can easily sit on this casket if you want to.

It’s made to resemble a bench. Even has a leather lid you can sit on. Imagine that.

Fantastic Amazon Reviews Well Worth Your Time

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In the age of the internet, Amazon has emerged as the default retail outlet offering everything from books, gadgets, toys, and what have you. It also helps that before you make your purchase, you can read what other people have to say about a product in its review section. Each review can come with a 1-5 star rating along with an explanation. Most of these reviews can provide rather useful information even if they tend to be boring to read. Though they may not always be reliable since everyone has an individual bias. But there are some merchandise on Amazon that have rather entertaining reviews you can read just for kicks. Of course, some of them aren’t meant to be taken seriously, especially if they’re written by a person who didn’t purchase the product at all, perhaps to point out a fault and mock it. Yet, there are always some who might not simply understand the product’s purpose at all. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a grand treasure trove of Amazon reviews that will be well worth your time. I insist. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way.

  1. This gas mask might not be ideal gear for an armed robbery.

Of course, it wouldn’t. The product description makes it perfectly clear it’s for a Halloween costume and isn’t supposed to function like a real gas mask. But this reviewer didn’t get the memo.

2. If you don’t have strawberry jam, this lube will do just fine.

However, strawberry lube isn’t a viable substitute for jam. Because lube isn’t made for human consumption. Well, it is, but I can’t get into that.

3. A stainless steel tongue cleaner is perfect for any dirty mouth.

It’s only fitting that many of these reviews are for ridiculous products. This one says how great their tongue has been since they tried it.

4. Can’t afford this $120,000 TV, you might qualify for financing.

Okay, this guy is just making fun of how this TV costs more than a car. Like what he says about the box he now lives in.

5. Dexter Morgan rated this stainless steel prep table 5 stars.

Still, if you’re a guy like Dexter Morgan, you shouldn’t review products on Amazon. I mean he’s basically giving himself away here.

6. For a Florida photographer, everything about this Sigma zoom lens is great except for the color.

Since it weighs 40 lbs and resembles a missile, you can clearly see why. Still, you would think it would come in black or gray like most camera gear.

7. You know you have good noise cancelling headphones, if you can’t hear your neighbor getting stabbed when wearing them.

Nevertheless, I’d be even more impressed if it pertained to someone getting shot. Because even with noise canceling headphones it would be hard not to hear a gun go off.

8. Uh, I don’t think I’d drink that Tuscan Whole Milk if I were you.

Actually, I think this review is a joke on how ridiculous it is to buy food online. The milk is obviously spoiled that it’s practically cheese. Disgusting.

9. Unfortunately, this Playmobil security checkpoint set doesn’t capture the real life experience.

The fact toys like this exists today really says a lot about our culture. Still, it’s funny how this kid wants a Playmobil neighborhood surveillance system.

10. Apparently, this account of Wagner’s Ring Cycle will satisfy any opera fan.

I think this person writes this review in order to put in a few sex jokes. Yes, “Penetrating Wagner’s Ring,” really?

11. Aspiring to be a dictator of a 3rd world country? Amazon has just the tank for you.

Actually this is just a $20,000 toy because civilians aren’t allowed to even own a real tank. Nor should they.

12. This classic cremation urn is perfect for storing your loved one’s ashes or brown sugar.

However, storing brown sugar in a cremation urn to play jokes on your friends is just sick. Also, I can tell ashes and brown sugar apart, thank you very much.

13. A pair of Zubaz pants can always make  you feel like a man.

I don’t know about you, but I find these zebra pants outrageously tacky. Seriously, this guy has no idea how ridiculous these look.

14. For the love of God, don’t ever buy this zombie garden gnome.

I’m sure this zombie garden gnome is perfectly harmless. Why? Because gnomes are sculptures that don’t come to life.

15. According to this guy, using this toilet brush was absolute agony.

Uh, I don’t think he understands that people use a toilet brush to clean their toilet. Not wipe their butt with it.

16. Sometimes a Rubbermaid ice cube tray can make all the difference.

Okay, this review might come from someone who may have a problem. Even said how they threw away their old trays into an active volcano.

17. When using this no-crow rooster collar, proceed with caution.

From reading this, it appears this thing actually chokes the rooster wearing it for a long period of time. Talk about a device that’s cruel to animals.

18. Barbasol shaving cream is perfect for corporate espionage operations.

The review seems to come from a guy straight out of Jurassic Park. Also, I’m sure he’ll probably regret transporting those dinosaur embryos.

19. Mace brand bear pepper spray isn’t always 100% effective.

Uh, are you sure you aimed at the bear correctly? Because according to HowStuffWorks, bear spray is effective about 92-98% of the time. However, you have to spray the bear in the face.

20. Avery Durable Binder is great for storing women away.

This is a play on the Mitt Romney comment of “binders full of women” back in 2012. Yes, good times.

21. A lined cat muzzle will sure keep your kitty from staring at you awkwardly and eating.

Other than being possibly cruel to animals, this guy gave it a positive review. Though he might want to let his cat eat and breathe once in awhile.

22. Apparently, this watch doesn’t tell the time like this user wants it to.

For God’s sake, 1.3 milliseconds is nothing. Also, this guy seems to resort to really sick means of timekeeping which I can’t describe right now.

23. Sorry, but a coat rack won’t solve your relationship issues.

Seriously, this guy needs to move on. Also, what the hell does he think a coat rack is supposed to do?

24. A plastic desktop fan does a wonderful job keeping a man’s junk cool.

Still, I don’t think it’s this fan’s intended purpose. Also, why would a guy need to keep his junk cool? I don’t understand it.

25. Speaking of a man’s junk, best to avoid using veet on it.

I think this was made for men’s faces, not their private parts. And this guy just had to warn everyone.

26. Cheeseburger earmuffs will surely keep you warm.

I’d like to see a picture to get some idea on what the hamburger earmuffs looked like. But the description is fine by me.

27. Easy bake oven doesn’t bake anything right.

For God’s sake, is this person an idiot? The Easy Bake Oven is a toy, not an appliance! You can’t bake a loaf of bread in it.

28. Seems like someone’s complaining how this case can’t contain their pelican.

They don’t seem to get that Pelican is a brand name. It doesn’t say it’s a case for pelicans which it isn’t. But this person didn’t see it that way.

29. This $22,000 camera cost this person everything, but it was worth it.

$22,000 for a camera, that’s insane. User said it cost them 4 years rent and now has a restraining order against their kids due to gross negligence. Well, no shit.

30. Forever Lazy suits are great for couples who can’t get their hands off each other and those who gave up on life.

I can’t see why a fleece onesie would be sexy. Though the notion it can almost set a house on fire doesn’t surprise me.

31. According to this guy, this Bible doesn’t work at all.

Apparently, this person doesn’t get the idea of prayer. Sure he might want a Porsche or a burger. But you can’t take Scripture literally for God’s sake. Jesus Christ!

32. This $90,000 Zenith watch is a real bargain.

I’m sure this is a person who has more money than God. Because a normal person wouldn’t blow $90,000 on a watch and be able to afford a car or a vacation.

33. This book basically spoils everything on the cover and isn’t fun to read.

That’s because it was written for babies. Of course, you wouldn’t find it of any literary value.

34. Blowing all your money on these Nike foam sneakers is well worth the wait.

I know this is a joke. But spending $3,000 for shoes is obscene, especially if it provides the same kind of comfort as a pair costing $60.

35. These Bic Pens for Her have made this housewife a whole new woman.

I guess this is a play on Bic’s ridiculous idea as if women couldn’t write until they got their own pens. Besides, as a woman, I’ve used regular Bic pens for years.

36. This UFO Detector doesn’t work and isn’t worth the money.

I’m sure this UFO detector is more of a toy than anything. Because if it was used to detect UFOs, MIB would already have one.

37. Seems like sugar free gummi bears are a perpetual nightmare.

Uh, I’ve probably ate about 20 of these myself at one point. Nothing like that has happened to me at all. This is just insane.

38. For a 21st century workout, try this smart floor exerciser.

The mention of the NSA in this review cracked me up. But yes, this is a ridiculous product.

39. I’m sure you’re not supposed to go camping in this pyramid.

Because it’s not a tent. It’s for meditation in the outdoors. But try telling it to this guy.

40. Seaweed extract can rid you of house ghosts and cure your cat’s autism.

I guess this person knows this is a scam product that’s full of shit. But the review is funny.

41. This Kindle waterproof case cover does its job.

However, this customer didn’t seem quite satisfied with using it. Because they didn’t expect it to work so well.

42. This chastity device will keep your boy from jerking off when he hits puberty.

Look, I know men talk about their junk too much. But I totally understand if they think it’s a torture device.

43. Seems like this guy had no idea there were cheaper TVs available.

I’m like “no shit,” since my parents have a smart Samsung one that cost considerably less money. So I can’t blame the guy’s wife for kicking him out.

44. These Rubbermaid ice cube trays can change everything.

For some reason, people seem to view these ice cube trays as a lifesaver. Not sure why.

45. This banana slicer has saved this woman’s marriage.

For God’s sake, it’s a freaking banana slicer! It’s not a miracle device! It’s just used for slicing bananas like no big deal.

46. This USB cable works too fast.

Funny, cause excessive speed in a cable wouldn’t be what I’d complain about. Though the user gave the product 2 stars.

47. This horse head mask has saved lives.

Really? This is for looking silly, not for witness protection. Besides, it’s inspired by a key scene in The Godfather.

48. With Veet for Men, his farts are louder than before.

I guess Veet for Men is as ridiculous as a ballpoint pen for women. Still, I’m sure its Amazon page is fun to read.

49. If you need to learn English as a second language, this is the book for you.

I don’t think this is written by a real Russian. But it’s quite funny as hell.

50. Why waste toilet paper, when this bidet spray clean your butt better?

Sometimes you have to wonder if people are too open about their bodily functions. Still, not sure if I’d want this.

51. With a Swiss Army knife like this, a woman can turn into a man.

I wouldn’t go that far. But I see this woman’s point. Yet, no one could fit that in their pockets.

52. Apparently, a dinosaur T-shirt can get a guy to go too far.

It’s even funnier when you find out that the person’s son is a 29-year-old man. But yeah, don’t stick eggs up your ass. Please.

53. While this product works, you’d think this guy should’ve left his wife a long time ago.

Reading this you’d have to wonder about this guy. Tattoo remover or not, this guy’s wife was going to kick him out either way.

54. This lighter fluid review just states the obvious.

Well, at least it states what you can find in the product information. Not much else I can say.

55. Hulk hands won’t get you out of a life or death situation.

People don’t buy Hulk hands for fighting. Though it’s funny to know that the reviewer describes a schoolyard bullying scene and he’s in college.

56. This stun gun will defend you from potential muggers in the Walmart parking lot.

When you actually read this, you realize this guy is a real asshole. I mean he tried to electrocute a bunch of Girl Scouts.

57. Now here is a cookbook for those who give up on life.

I guess when people read this book, they think of those who’ll probably die alone. Yeah, kind of depressing.

58. This waterproof bluetooth speaker sure lives up to its description.

And this person says it’s quite indestructible, too. Because they said their father-in-law’s survived a tornado.

59. This penguin mask will surely scare the kiddies.

Yes, it’s kind of creepy. But what the hell, it could be fun if you like scaring people.

60. A bottle of glitter can be used for more than arts and crafts.

Apparently, from this review, it makes a handy security system. But this guy’s roommate wasn’t impressed.

61. A USB port for multiple devices can solve a lot of problems.

Yet, crippling alcoholism and an unhealthy obsession with Dakota Fanning will certainly wreck this relationship. This couple is really screwed up.

62. This silent wired mouse has saved at least one relationship.

Uh, I don’t think this guy should celebrate yet. Seriously, his girlfriend is literally cheating on him.

63. No, The Wolf of Wall Street didn’t have anything to do with wolves.

Still, if there were, it would’ve been a way better movie. At least a lot of the Wall Street characters would get what they deserved.

64. Unfortunately, Sunshine isn’t a movie about daylight savings time.

Also, this guy seems to have crazy expectations of this film. Maybe he just didn’t understand it.

65. This Furby is such an obnoxious toy you don’t want to get your child.

Well, furbies are annoying toys since they were a fad in the 1990s. But I don’t think it will turn your son into a hipster.

66. According to this guy, Good Will Hunting is a good movie ruined by excessive profanity.

Boy, this guy is sure going to hate The Wire. Besides, I didn’t think the profanity in this movie was that bad.

67. With a Bic pen for women, you can be a super woman.

Yes, Bic for Her is a ridiculous product and this review shows this. And no, I’m afraid she won’t end up with Robert Pattinson.

68. Unicorn meat is highly unethical.

They recommend you stick to dragon meat instead. Still, the unicorn meat isn’t real.

69. This horse head mask won’t fit on horses.

That’s because it was made for humans. So of course, it wouldn’t fit on a horse.

70. Fiji water is liquid ice.

This person is making fun of the concept of bottled water. I mean why buy it in a bottle when you can get it through pipes?

71. Guys, want to do other things while drinking beer? Behold, the black leather beer holster.

Of course, he does list some activities you’d rather not try while holding your beer in the holster. Yet, he rates it 5 stars.

72. Uh, I don’t think that wolf urine is meant for human consumption.

Actually, I think it’s for warding deer off your yard. Still, tasting it yourself is pretty disgusting.

73. This large Snickers bar is the best way to contract diabetes.

As to why you’d want that, I don’t have the slightest idea. But this guy does have a point.

74. Nothing can bring you joy like a bottle of face paint.

Though if you’re white, don’t go out with the brown one on. I hope I need not explain why.

75. Now if they had paper for women, this woman can finally learn to write.

Another slam on the Bic for Her. Because women have used the regular pens for years.

76. To avoid nuclear meltdowns, this tape is highly recommended.

No, this kind of tape probably wouldn’t be good for a nuclear power plant. But the review is very funny.

77. Hope teenagers can learn their lessons on avoiding huge ships.

Reading this, you’d almost think this person was talking about drugs. Yet, you can’t help but laugh.

78. This ancient humidor contains phenomenal cosmic powers.

Still, I think this review is full of crap or a complete joke. And no, I don’t think it was made by aliens.

79. The iPotty makes potty training easier.

Yet, I can see why this man isn’t the custodial parent. Also, letting your boy read “gentleman’s magazines” isn’t great parenting.

80. With a can of uranium ore, who knows what would happen.

There’s even a TMNT reference in it. Also, someone now types with 6 fingers. These are great.

81. For those attending an alt-righter’s Halloween party, have I got the mask for you.

Seems more like a lawn jockey mask. But if your friends like to dress in white robes, cut holes in sheets with conical tops, and burn a cross in the yard, go for it.

82. Grandpa’s pine tar soap makes a guy smell like a man.

Well, at least it’s not Axe. Still, don’t you enjoy reading Amazon reviews on men’s hygiene products?

83. The mangroomer gets rid of that pesky back hair.

You see, it’s rather easy to reach. But some guy got caught up in a lawsuit over it for some reason.

84. Be an invisible force in the night with this ninja mask.

So this thing can turn you into a badass? I don’t see how it’s possible.

85. Make your home look great with a Wallmonkey stock photo decal.

I can understand decals of superheroes, Harry Potter, or sports. But this is ridiculous.

86. If you’re a cop, equip yourself with some Blue Brand Pepper Spray.

Here this person is mocking how law enforcement treat campus protestors. Yes, I know it’s pretty appalling. But they make a point.

87. Start them young in counterterrorism with this toy predator drone.

I know drones are controversial. But I’m sure this is a toy that won’t hurt anyone.

88. This Samsung Framed TV is the best thing ever!

Seems like this guy really loves his TV despite how expensive it is and doesn’t fit in their house. Not sure if it’s worth it.

89. This Nicholas Cage pillow is a real national treasure.

No, I don’t think Nic Cage pillow is something I’d want to own. Besides, he’s a practical washout nowadays.

90. This portly frog is an artistic masterpiece.

But to me it’s a tacky lawn ornament you can buy almost anywhere. Though to each his own.

91. These shoes are great when you’re being chased by a dog.

This review is straight from The Sandlot. It’s one of those movies about baseball that’s based in the 1960s. Great for preteens.

92. The wife may take everything, but the man controls the thermostat.

Enjoy tormenting your ex-wife while it lasts, buddy. Cause you won’t be controlling the thermostat for long.

93. This Tri-bladed hand claw is perfect for getting syrup from a tree.

Makes me wonder why sap producers don’t use it very often. Also, you don’t get much sap from a tree to put on pancakes anyway.

94. A binder like this is great for office professionals, awful for caterers.

Once again, the binders full of women joke from 2012. Some can’t seem to get enough of these.

95. This guide is handy if you have adult children or a lot of them.

The second comment seems to make no sense whatsoever. Parents must’ve misread the title.

96. These sponges always put a smile on this user’s face.

But this person says they never use them and draws faces on them. Hope this person understands what sponges are for.

97. Clive Christian Imperial Majesty perfume will almost sweep any woman off her feet.

Well, if you’re talking about perfume for men, this is a good review to advertise. An interesting read.

98. If you love vultures, this mask is for you.

Though this person seems to be out for revenge. Also, unless it’s a California condor, a disguise wouldn’t be very effective.

99. If you live in LA, then wheelmate is just for you.

Though to be fair, I can’t blame people for wanting to do other things while stuck in traffic. Still, it has a potential to be a driving hazard when it comes to some people.

100. This patriotic tank top will make you a real American hero.

Sorry, but this isn’t going to make you into an American superstar. Also, kind of tacky as hell.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Shit Has Hit the Fan

Recently, it has come to our attention that the New York Times has revealed that Donald Trump Jr. welcomed a meeting with a Russian government-connected lawyer named Natalia Veselnitskaya after learning she had information that “that would incriminate Hillary [Clinton] … and would be very useful to your father” and that it was “part of Russia and its government’s support for Mr. Trump.” Trump Jr. has confirmed the meeting took place in June 2016 at Trump Tower (despite initially denying it) which also had his dad’s then-campaign manager Paul Manafort and his brother-in-law Jared Kushner in attendance. But he has downplayed the meeting’s significance claiming it was over adoption laws and later that the woman wasn’t a government official who provided anything useful. On Tuesday July 11, 2017, he has disclosed a series of e-mails of him corresponding with a British music publicist named Rob Goldstone at behest of the Agalarov family in order to prevent another NYT scoop. Except he totally didn’t and now that e-mail chain has been retrieved and released for the public and prosecutors to see. Furthermore, the chain basically debunks every lie he’s made, erodes his credibility, and confirms he’s hiding something all along.

For months, Donald Trump and his team have denied and disparaged reports that the Moscow tried to help his candidacy and that there was any collusion between the two. In fact, Trump has publicly claimed he didn’t believe that the Russian government wasn’t behind the hackings and leaks of prominent Democrats’ e-mails, which US intelligence agencies have resoundingly confirmed. Since January of 2017, reports of suspicious behavior between Trump and his team around Russia emerged  though we still lacked outright proof whether there was any behind-the-scenes collaboration between them. Though it remained theoretically possible that there was a multifaceted Russian effort to help Trump win without anyone from the Trump team knowing about it.

However, that is no longer possible since the Trump Jr. e-mail chain provides indisputable proof that people close to Donald Trump such as his son, his son-in-law, and then-campaign chair not only knew about but also encouraged a Russian government effort to help him win the White House. Seriously, Goldstone sent Trump Jr. an e-mail saying his information would be “part of Russia and its government’s support for Mr. Trump” as if Russia’s support for Lord Cheetohead was an unremarkable fact. Instead of being confused or asking what Goldstone means, Trump Jr. cheerfully answers, “If it’s what you say I love it,” tries to get the details, and forwards the whole thread to Kushner and Manafort. Any other American who knew what Goldstone was getting at would’ve turned him down and notify the candidate and the FBI. Because that is what campaign workers are supposed to do since getting help from a foreign government to win an election goes against federal law. Yet, there’s no way you can read these e-mails and not conclude that the Trump campaign’s top guys knew Russia supported their man but were willing to help. And I’m sure that President Pussygrabber knew about this going on all along.

Why? Well, how can he not? Sure the White House claims that Donald Trump knew about his son’s meeting recently. But he’s complained about the Russia investigation for months and fired his own FBI director in May, possibly to stop information that could expose him or his team to criminal charges from turning up. We should also note that Trump has often seen himself as above the law and has gone to great lengths to avoid responsibility for his actions his whole life. Not to mention, he and his team constantly lie in public about anything that makes him look bad.

What the Trump camp talked about with the Moscow-linked parties that June day at Trump Tower may never be known. But even if that meeting did lead nowhere, it still raises questions of what else Manafort and Kushner and ousted National Security adviser Michael Flynn may have said or done with the Russians. Yet, what’s clear is that we can no longer dispute the investigations into the Trump campaign and that Russian collusion is a serious mater. Robert Mueller must proceed unimpeded in his inquiry while congressional investigators need to work as well. Because the US needs to get to the bottom of this.

But why should we care about Trump’s ties to Russia? Because the Trump team’s habit of publicly lying about its contacts with Russia government emissaries is very problematic on its own terms. But it’s especially troubling since it raises a possibility that blackmail fears can influence American foreign policy. For instance, take the bombshell from US government surveillance that then Russian ambassador Sergei Kislyak revealed he and former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn discussed sanctions during the Obama-Trump transition period, which Flynn lied about. Acting Attorney General Sally Yates warned White House Counsel Don McGahn that “the national security adviser essentially could be blackmailed by the Russians.” Meaning, that if you lie about meeting a Russian official in public, then the Russian government will know and could threaten to release embarrassing and personally damaging information unless you take positions they like. When the press got a hold of this, Flynn was fired. Still, Russian intelligence knows exactly what went down between their government and the Trump campaign. Their knowledge of the facts along with the Trump team’s relentless dishonesty as well as the high consequences of getting caught, means a potentially large swath of Trump’s inner circle has been (or still may be) exposed to blackmail. This in turn makes it hard for the nation and our allies to trust that American foreign policy toward Russia serves American interests rather than in service of keeping Trump’s people out of legal and political trouble. This might be easy to ignore if Trump’s attitude and policies toward Russia was typical for an American politician. But his contempt for NATO and his unwillingness to punish Moscow for election meddling shows they’re not.

Thus, we should understand while the Donald Trump Jr. scandal is new to us, it’s not to the Russians. Keep in mind that before releasing the e-mail thread pertaining to his meeting with Veselnitskaya, Trump Jr. had publicly denied meeting Russian government representatives for months. And he called allegations that anyone on the Trump team might’ve worked with the Russians as “disgusting” and “phony.” Not to mention, his dad and many of his spokespeople have maintained what Trump Jr. said was true through the entire campaign. His e-mail messages to Goldstone show that it wasn’t. At minimum, Trump Jr., Jared Kushner, and Paul Manafort met with Veselnitskaya under the impression that she’d provide them incriminating information about Hillary Clinton as “part of Russia and its government’s support for Mr. Trump.” But while revelations and e-mails about the meeting caused a sensation in the States, Veselnitskaya knew it all along. And if she knew it, the Russian government probably did, too. And it’s something they could’ve used to increase the legal and political jeopardy facing both father and son at any moment. Still, information is power. Since Russia has the info about the Trump/Russia contacts and because the Trump team keeps lying about them, the Russia government have a lot of power. And Trump’s team knows that Russia has the goods.

So far in the Trump/Russia contact, we know that members of Trump’s campaign team met with the Russians. We know that then Alabama US Senator Jeff Sessions met Kislyak at least twice during the Trump campaign which he lied about under oath during his confirmation hearing for Attorney General. We know Jared Kushner met with Kislyak on multiple occasions. And that one of these meetings was an effort to set up a secure backchannel for Trump to communicate with the Kremlin using Russian equipment and facilities. Yet, Kushner didn’t list that foreign contact on his clearance form. Then there’s Blackwater founder and Trump backer Eric Prince who made an effort to set up back-channel communications to Russia via a meeting in Seychelles, it’s not clear what came of that. Or take Paul Manafort who was fired months before the election over receiving Russian front money in Ukraine. But he continued to advise the Trump campaign, including on the post-election Russia investigation. Or adviser Carter Page whose meeting with the Russians I know absolutely nothing about. Yet, the Russians have known all of this before the US did and then some.

Then there’s the matter with Donald Trump’s finances. We all know he still hasn’t released his tax returns and probably never will. But we all remember back in January when he erupted over the “Steele Dossier” with its wilder allegations that a secret Russian kompromat is blackmailing him over a tape depicting hookers peeing on him. However, it also contains much more boring allegation that Trump paid bribes in St. Petersburg “very discreetly and only through affiliated companies” while exploring some business deals there. Now paying bribes to Russian officials isn’t particularly shocking, especially for a real estate man like Trump. But paying bribes in pursuit of a business deal is technically illegal under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Trump has called the FCPA a “horrible law” that “this country is absolutely crazy” to have on the books because it puts American businesses at a “huge disadvantage.” His business philosophy has long been a willingness to plow ahead legal gray areas as he had once dispensed with normal FCPA compliance procedures and basically go away with it. He probably did the same thing in St. Petersburg. His new chair of the Securities and Exchange Commission is a longtime FCPA critic. So Trump pretty clearly believes that American businesses should be allowed to bribe foreign officials. Nevertheless, while American authorities have little incentive to heavily scrutinize Trump’s FCPA compliance in Russia, Moscow is well-positioned to know a great deal about this. They’re also in a good position to know if the surge in Trump condo property purchases through anonymous shell companies involves any Russian citizens.

Since his inauguration, Donald Trump’s actual policy toward Russia has remained extremely idiosyncratic and friendly toward Moscow. His former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn lied about meeting with Kislyak along Sessions and Kushner. His Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has an extremely unusual resume for a top American diplomat, which featured zero military or diplomatic experience. But he has spent some time lobbying against sanctions on Russia and received the Order of Friendship award from the Russian government. Trump also appears to have explored relaxing Russian sanctions and was strikingly reluctant to affirm America’s commitment to NATO. He’s repeatedly seemed to side with the Russian government over American intelligence agencies over Russian culpability on hacking. He briefly suggested a joint Russia-US cybersecurity initiative. Furthermore, he’s made clear that Russia won’t face any repercussions for its election meddling, something lawmakers of both parties see as a direct assault on American democracy. There are plenty of explanations for his behavior, but it’s reasonable to suspect that Trump wants to keep Vladimir Putin happy so the Russians won’t release embarrassing information.

Nevertheless, a responsible administration would’ve taken Sally Yates seriously in the first place. It would’ve fired Flynn right away or forced him to come clean and apologize at once. And it would’ve learned that despite the awkward political scrutiny on Russia-related matters, lying about it would’ve been even more troubling. But the Trump administration didn’t learn that lesson as Washington remains swamp with new stories and revelations time after time. Each time, their defense consists of “this new undisclosed e-mail or meeting hardly proves wrongdoing.” But Yates points out that under the circumstances, the very lack of disclosure itself was the problem. A reluctance to come clean can reflect blundering, stubbornness, or simply blindness to a problem’s extent. Yet, the Trump crew could be hiding the truth because the truth is very bad. Thus, lying to the public to avoid Russian exposure might be the Trump administration’s best strategy. However, by repeatedly and publicly committing itself to false narratives about Russian government interactions, the Trump administration has put themselves under Russia’s thumb. Under normal circumstances, letting a president have this kind of threat hanging over him would be seen as completely intolerable. But since congressional Republicans control the federal government and do what they want, they’ll probably rationalize the matter. Like they’ve done with tolerating an admitted sexual predator in the White House and accommodating his desire to run his businesses in a way that makes it easy to bribe him. After all, H. R. McMaster and Jim Mattis will be along to babysit him except when Trump leaves them out at key summit meetings, unexpectedly drops text from a major speech, or otherwise needs to respond in real time to a crisis. Nevertheless, this puts our allies in an uncomfortable situation and our foreign policy at a downright catastrophic one. Partly because nobody has any idea about the extent of exposure and what kind of pro-Putin policies Trump might pursue in the future. Even worse, congressional Republicans apparently decided they’d rather not know and treat the Trump-Russia story as an endless series of annoying White House mistakes instead of a potentially crippling national security risk it certainly is. And if you have a former Bush ethics chief say Trump Jr.’s e-mails contain what’s “borderline treason,” then Republicans really need to wake up.

To the Honorable United States Senator Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania

Dear Senator Toomey:

I am writing to you today to strongly urge you to oppose the Better Care Reconciliation Act which will gut the Affordable Care Act, slash Medicaid by $800 billion, leave 22 million uninsured, and roll back protections for those with pre-existing conditions. Drafting of the BCRA was conducted through a highly partisan, secretive, and undemocratic process despite being one of the most consequential pieces of legislation. There is no state where a majority support it. Healthcare is a fundamental right which the federal government should guarantee to all Americans. Legislation to deprive people of healthcare and lower their quality of life is unconscionable. To vote for such an atrocious bill that will only hurt most Pennsylvanians on so many levels. Your unwillingness to even meet with your constituents on the BCRA only highlights your cowardice on this piece of legislation. You can say that recent Medicaid growth is unsustainable (it’s not). You can claim that the ACA is collapsing (contrary to what most experts believe). But even if both were true, to support the BCRA is inherently inexcusable regardless what you believe in.

Senator Toomey, I know your mind is made up and you will more than likely vote for this morally indefensible healthcare bill. After all, you have never been keen on government intervention in providing healthcare for all Americans. I agree the Affordable Care Act does not cover everyone and does not do enough to make healthcare more affordable. But there is no doubt that the ACA has expanded coverage to 20 million more Americans and improved coverage for millions more. It has also saved lives. The BCRA does nothing to fix the ACA’s flaws and even significantly weakens many of the law’s provisions such as essential health benefit requirements, a ban on pre-existing conditions, and barring lifetime or annual caps. Furthermore, the bill would drastically reduce Medicaid funding and other subsidies. All of this will significantly raise premiums, deductibles, and out of pocket costs as well as leave millions of Americans with no access to adequate care. In addition, these provisions will lead to almost a million Americans losing their jobs, medical facility closings, and widespread economic ruin in communities nationwide. Statewide 731,000 Pennsylvanians will lose their insurance while countless more will be left with more expensive but inferior coverage. Without the coverage they have, thousands will die because they couldn’t receive the care they needed including the elderly, children, people with disabilities, the chronically ill, women, veterans, substance abusers, the mentally ill, and the poor. Many of them are Medicaid recipients who may not be able to get coverage through their employer or the individual market. And despite what you think about it, it’s an indispensable program and possibly their only lifeline. Nobody should be denied healthcare regardless of who they are, especially if receiving medical treatment is a matter of life or death. And for many, without healthcare, they may be able to get a job or live an independent life with dignity.

Senator, you were elected to the US Senate to represent the interests of your constituents first and foremost. But your recent cowardly behavior suggests you’re more willing to throw Pennsylvanians under the bus for the good of the party. If you’re willing shut people out of a town hall for fear of your constituents protesting over legislation that will have a damaging impact on their lives, then perhaps you shouldn’t be a US Senator. You have a duty to vote against a wretched healthcare bill that most people in your state don’t want and will certainly ravage the state. People will die. People will lose their jobs. People will get sicker. Hospitals will close down and put communities in economic ruin. Our state’s problem with opioid addiction will exacerbate because more people won’t be able to afford treatment. Vote for the BCRA with your party and I guarantee you will have blood on your hands if it ever becomes law. I sincerely hope your name is dragged through the mud for your advocacy and support for the BCRA which will only provide worse care for Americans or no care at all. And I hope that Pennsylvanians will remember what you did within the next 5 years so they can kick you out of office by the time your term is up.

I absolutely do not care what your or your party’s views on healthcare are. Nor do I care about your negative perception of the ACA as an extension of big government. Because despite what you think, for profit healthcare is an American travesty that discriminates against the poor and must die. There is nothing you can do to convince me that free market healthcare is the best system since I’ve known countless cases where it has failed. And as someone on the autism spectrum, I will cling to my Medicaid coverage so tight that you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands. To support such a system that denies people access to the healthcare they need is inherently morally indefensible and violates Americans’ right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And all that matters much more to me than any of your free market ideas you prize most highly. Well, your free market praises can go straight to hell for all I care. It deeply horrifies me that politicians like you could ever craft, let alone campaign for legislation that consists of nothing but heartless cruelty to those most vulnerable. And in the least transparent as well as most partisan and undemocratic way possible, I might add. I’d like to think my government representatives would at least have a heart not to play politics with mine or anyone else’s healthcare, especially a sick child’s. But I know full well, it’s certainly not the case. And I know it’s not the case with you which is a shame. However, if you are willing to support legislation that will only lead to pain and suffering, then may that be on your soul for the rest of your days. And may your vote for the BCRA ruin your career and reputation. Because I don’t think you’d deserve nothing less.