The Interesting Life of NFL Merchandise (Third Edition)


Of course, I’ve planned to do a another post on NFL merchandise. But I was greatly distracted thanks to a bunch of white supremacists in Charlottesville, Virginia. And I really couldn’t avoid doing a couple posts on that. So I had to put it off. Then again, out of all the NFL posts I do, the merchandise one is perhaps the one I least look forward to. Mainly because it’s difficult to find ridiculous NFL stuff on the internet and search engines don’t make it easier for me. But since the NFL would sell you jars of oxygen if they knew you’d buy them, I kind of have to get around to writing it somehow. Besides, they earn a shitload of money selling stuff to their fans. And their items are so often overpriced. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of NFL merchandise

  1. You can really make football go to the dogs with Denver Broncos dog dishes.

Because I’m sure your dog really wants to eat from a Denver Broncos dish. At least I didn’t show the one for the Atlanta Falcons.

2. If you love the Dallas Cowboys, then you might like this desk caddy.

Sure it might not be the most ridiculous NFL gear. But I’m sure a regular desk caddy costs much less.

3. Be a Dallas Cowboy darling in this halter dress.

I’m sure any woman would be able to wear this only through September. Then again, Dallas is in the South. But the Cowboys have fans all over the country.

4. For the home viewing game experience, get yourself a Pittsburgh Steelers auditorium chair.

Comes with cup holders. Yet, doesn’t provide the kind of comfort you’d expect from a home recliner.

5. Kick back at tailgating in a San Francisco 49ers camp chair.

You can buy cheaper models without NFL logos on them. Besides, they’re not very comfortable anyway.

6. Tailgating is always great with a Detroit Lions condiment set.

So I guess one is for blue ketchup and the other is for Grey Poupon. You know I’d like my condiment bottles to be the color of what’s actually in them if they’re not transparent already.

7. Like pool games. Well, this field goal game from the Pittsburgh Steelers puts you in luck.

At least in this game, you don’t have to worry about footballs being deflated. Just the field goal floatie.

8. Keep your beer chilled for Sunday with this Dallas Cowboys mini fridge.

It even has a glass door so you can see the beverages. Probably costs about twice what you’d pay for a regular one.

9. A Dallas Cowboys sugar dispenser is just as sweet.

It’s just a container with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it. A plain one will only cost half of that at Big Lots.

10. Excited for the Super Bowl? Why not have it on your party gear?

To be fair, this is from two years ago. But still, I’m sure it’s a massive waste of money just the same. After all, these are disposable.

11. Keep your living room game day fresh with a New England Patriots electric scented candle.

After all, no New England Patriots likes nothing more than the smell of deflated footballs. Or at least if your name is Tom Brady.

12. Support your team on game day with a pair of Seattle Seahawks jersey earrings.

They even have glitter on them for extra sparkle. Because we all know women love shiny stuff.

13. Get yourself scrubbed clean in your very own Cleveland Browns tub.

I’m sure someone did it as a project. But really, would anyone want to have an NFL tub in their bathroom? No.

14. Girls, dress your American Girl Dolls in their very own NFL cheerleader outfit.

Pittsburgh Steelers outfit not included. Also, will result in your American Girl Doll being paid less than minimum wage, especially in the Dallas Cowboys outfit.

15. Heard of Elf on the Shelf? How about Tony Romo on the shelf?

So be good, kids, or Tony Romo will tell Santa on how you hated him dating Jessica Simpson. Still, this is incredibly creepy. Wonder what Romo’s own kids think of this.

16. Cuddle up Sunday with your very own New England Patriots plush hedgehog.

How appropriate that a team known for Deflategate has its very own plushie of a creature known for its spikes. Yet, on this one, the hair is fuzzy.

17. To keep warm in the stands, this Seattle Seahawks poncho is just for you.

Yes, it seems like it’s culturally appropriated from Pacific Northwest Coastal Indians (like its logo). And no, it won’t keep you dry in the rain.

18. A New England Patriots teddy bear is always your Sunday afternoon friend.

Yes, it’s adorable and sweet. But it doesn’t care whether or not its team cheats. Still, what’s with NFL teddy bears?

19. Be the life of the party at the game with this Pittsburgh Steelers pimp cup.

Sure it’s more of a prop than an actual drinking vessel. But some people might take offense.

20. Cheer for your NFL team in the cold with a pair of Green Bay Packers pom-pom gloves.

How are these practical? I don’t get it. When I wear gloves, I want to acutally hold things in my hand. Not deal with pom poms on the fingers.

21. Watch the game from the stands with a pair of Chicago Bears binoculars.

Chances are you’ll probably need them in the stadium. Since actually being there doesn’t give you the kind of experience a TV does.

22. Grace your patio with a Philadelphia Eagles glass table.

Because we all need a taste of NFL elegance. Until some drunk guy breaks it in two after the game.

23. Nothing makes a Sunday evening special like an NFL team fancy candle.

Do NFL fans even like fancy candles? Seriously, they really don’t seem to be in the spirit of football. More like someone you’d get for an office secret Santa.

24. Amuse yourself for hours with Green Bay Packers and Chicago Bears checkers.

For football doesn’t translate as well in chess. Oh, wait they do actually have NFL chess sets? My mistake.

25. Make your holidays shine with a Cleveland Browns Christmas village set.

Includes a lot of stadium decoration and concession stand. But still, brown and orange are nowhere near festive. Also, the Browns aren’t known to be good.

26. This New England Patriots dog toy is Dine-o-Bite.

So they’re also selling dog toys? Also, I’m not really sure if a dynamite chew toy is a good idea. Not to mention, it’s probably overpriced.

27. Make your Easter worthwhile with a Green Bay Packers Easter egg decorating kit.

I can somewhat understand NFL football and the Christmas season. But NFL Easter stuff especially baffles me. Why?

28. Hope your kids are good with these NFL Elves on the Shelf watching them.

Okay, that’s really creepy. Even the regular Elf on the Shelf is kind of freaked out by now.

29. Be the game day darling at the stadium with a pair of Washington Redskins eyelashes and beauty marks.

Team eyelashes? That’s insane. I know the NFL is trying to appeal to women. But this is just utter lunacy.

30. Got pesky flies? A NFL team helmet fly swatter will help.

Despite that you can get fly swatters almost anywhere for almost nothing. So serious waste of money.

31.  Get your baby in the spirit of game day with a Miami Dolphins diaper cover.

After all, you want your baby’s diaper to match your team jersey. Also, this is probably made by someone.

32. A Denver Broncos garden gnome is perfect for any NFL patch.

I mean they have garden gnomes for basically everything. It was only a matter of time when the NFL got hold.

33. This Marshawn Lynch sweater is guaranteed to keep you cozy.

Did I say it’s for women and it has a shiny placard for his name. Marshawn Lynch must be rolling his eyes right now.

34. Get your own nails ready with this San Diego Chargers nail filing kit.

Includes two files and sets of lightning bolt cuticles. Not sure why anyone would want NFL nails in the first place.

35. You can always be stylish carrying a Detroit Lions purse around.

Because why should you carry an overpriced bag when a cheap plain purse would do? Also, available for men.

36. Check the precipitation with a Pittsburgh Steelers rain gauge.

Fitting, since the Pittsburgh area gets a lot or rain all year round. However, why the do they have NFL rain gauges?

37. Bring in chocolatey cheer with NFL Hershey Kisses Music Drops.

I don’t understand the concept behind these products. Don’t know why the hell they exist. So just don’t ask me.

38. Be the top office quarterback with your very own New York Giants stapler.

Now you can staple papers like Eli Manning. Okay, I know it doesn’t sound very glamorous.

39. Have yourself cremated and put into an Oakland Raiders urn.

Well, Raiders fans are known for morbid stuff. But the urn is just a little too much.

40. For Halloween, you can’t go without a Chicago Bears zombie gnome.

After all, you want zombies from your own team to haunt your garden. Not anyone else’s, right?

41. Nothing makes you a loyal fan like this Miami Dolphins hat.

For one, it’s plush so it’s guaranteed to make you sweat in Miami. Second, wearing it makes you look like a total idiot.

42. Hope you can be square with this New Orleans Saints end table.

Well, at least the Saints logo makes this table seem somewhat presentable in a living room. But perhaps so much more expensive.

43. Keep your drinks chilled with an inflatable field goal cooler.

Ice not included, by the way. Also, looks absolutely ridiculous even in outdoor settings.

44. When all goes wrong, you’ll have this plush Carolina Panthers superhero to the rescue.

It has a bill like a duck and ears like a monkey. But I’m sure your kids or your dog will love it.

45. Or if you’re into the Panthers, how about this Rhino superhero?

I don’t understand this one either. Seriously, if the Carolina Panthers want a plush superhero, how about a panther one? Because that would make more sense.

46. Open bottles of beer with this Oakland Raiders hip grip bottle opener.

Because there’s no better way to open a bottle of beer than near your crotch. Seriously, why?

47. Nothing’s better for the big day than a Miami Dolphins wedding cake topper.

This one has the groom dragging the bride. But most often it’s the other way around. Still, I’ll just let her keep her fantasies to herself, thanks.

48. Wake up in the morning to a cup from your San Francisco 49ers coffee machine.

You can buy regular coffee machine like this for cheap. Seriously, NFL merchandise is notoriously expensive.

49. Join Hello Kitty for Super Bowl XLIX.

Since what the hell does Hello Kitty have to do with NFL football? Oh, catering to girls, right?

50. A game day kitchen can’t go without Pittsburgh Steeler cabinet doors.

On second thought, it totally can. Besides, most cabinets aren’t shaped like that anymore either.

51. Celebrate the holidays with your very own Oakland Raiders mini Christmas tree.

Even has lights and Raider bows. And yes, it’s in black and silver glory.

52. When you turn a year older, you might want these on your cake.

Yes, these are birthday candles. And yes, they consist of wax footballs on toothpicks.

53. Keep your food fresh in these Oakland Raiders Tupperware containers.

Yes, store your food on some overpriced containers. Comes in 3 sizes.

54. Nothing brings you joy like a New England Patriots plush emoji.

This one means, “Hope they don’t find out about the deflated footballs.” Or “Thank God, I avoided that 4 game suspension.”

55. Plug in your appliances with a San Diego Chargers electrical outlet.

Fittingly, it’s shaped like a lightning bolt. And it has space for 4 outlets. Shocking.

56. Kick back and relax on your very own Oakland Raiders hammock.

Sure it might seem relaxing. Yet, it seems a bit tight for me.

57. Walk down the aisle for your reception with this Pittsburgh Steelers cake topper.

Luckily for my Mom, my parents married in June. Still, many can relate to this.

58. This Saint Louis Rams bottle stopper will keep your booze fresh.

Okay, so they moved to LA. Still, it’s quite a lot of money to pay for a stopper even if it has a helmet.

59. Grace your Christmas tree with this golden Miami Dolphins ornament.

It’s even in gold with shiny stones. I bet the gold and stones aren’t even real.

60. Have your little one take their first steps in these Kansas City Chief booties.

Yes, get your baby indoctrinated in NFL football with these cute little booties. Probably comes with a bib, too.

61. Afraid of the dark? Use this New England Patriots night sensing night light.

Available in 3 different colors. Great if you’re worried about Eli Manning in your closet.

62. Get moving in these Oakland Raiders skidders.

These are for children. Kind of seem like a hybrid of crocks and socks.

63. Put your craft beers together in this Saint Louis Rams craft beer flight.

That way, the beer you put on this thing will be your own. Even if it tastes like shit.

64. Look fabulous on game day with these Seattle Seahawks temporary tattoos.

You can put them all on your arm. And yes, they come in all kinds of styles.

65. This Carolina Panthers action snowman is pure winter fun.

I have absolutely no idea why this exists. This doesn’t make sense at all.

66. Hello Kitty loves her New England Patriots blanket.

Somehow a cute Japanese icon doesn’t go well with NFL football. Not sure why. Also, the Patriots are an unethical football team.

67. Keep yourself warm on cold games with this Green Bay Packers helmet hat.

Well, it looks warm enough. But guaranteed to make you look like an idiot.

68. Show your team love with a Pat the Patriot hat.

Okay, that’s kind of creepy. Maybe some mascot hats shouldn’t be made.

69. Light up your room with a Dallas Cowboys glass block lamp.

Not sure if a glass block lamp fits with the Dallas Cowboys. A cowboy boot lamp would make more sense.

70. Have your little one curl up with a New England Patriots snuggle bear.

Yes, the kind of bear you snuggle with when you spy on the other team players, deflate footballs, and knock out the opposing team’s radio reception. But this is adorable.

71. Make your bathroom sensational with these New England Patriots shower hooks.

I’m sure you can get regular shower hooks for half the price. Yet, if you want a cheater’s bathroom suite, be my guest.

72. Always look chic wearing this Atlanta Falcons bracelet.

Or a bracelet featuring a team that let you down. And notoriously expensive.

73. Cheer for your team with these Kansas City Chiefs gnome fans.

So gnomes paint their faces and chests, too. Yes, I know it’s ridiculous.

74. You can always pound it hard with a Houston Texans hammer.

Comes with extra decals that would jack up the price. And a blue and red football pattern handle to match.

75. Grace your front yard with a Kansas City Chiefs inflatable player.

I’ve seen a Pittsburgh Steeler inflatable near the covered bridge in my area. But it was in a different position.

76. You can always have spud fun with a Kansas City Chiefs Mr. Potato Head.

A Mr. Potato Head Kansas City Chiefs. Do they have those for everything? I’m confused.

77. Step into style in these sparkly Houston Texans tennis shoes.

Bling studded NFL shoes? Must cost a fortune. Sorry, but I think a pair $50 is a bit much.

78. Concentrate on your homework assignments with a Chicago Bears study buddy.

Odd, because don’t many of these players not study much in college? Since they don’t really have the time?

79. Relive the New England Patriots scoring the winning touchdown with this snow globe.

Great to rub it in your friends and relatives who don’t care for the Pats. And they wonder why the rest of the country doesn’t like them.

80. Put all your gear for tailgating in this Seattle Seahawks folding wagon.

I could really use this. Too bad this one probably costs an arm and a leg.

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