Summer is also a season where people like to catch up on their reading, namely during vacation. Sometimes it might be a noteworthy work of literature or a page turning read. But other times it just might consist of pulpy paperbacks, Harlequin romances, or Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course, you can’t always judge a book by its cover. Except on the occasions you can which is where I come in. Looking at some of these covers, it’s sometimes easy to tell whether it’s good or bad. Like if it depicts a rather stylized romance scene, especially if the man resembles a Greek god. Or if a sci-fi book has a very ridiculous illustration that seemed inspired by an acid trip. Or if its image clearly pertains to some unsettling subject matter that doesn’t seem quite right. But whatever the case, I hope you enjoy yet another installment of terrible book covers for your reading pleasure. By the way, some of these may not be safe for work.
- Clash of Star-Kings: The Night the Stars Fell and the Spacemen Rose by Avram Davison
Now you must bow before the Crocodile lord of all creation.
2. The Boy with Dinosaur Hands: Nine Tales of the Real and Unreal by Al Carusone
Remember, kids, having dinosaur hands isn’t really as cool as it’s cracked up to be.
3. Cathletics: Ways to Amuse and Exercise Your Cat by Jo and Paul Loeb
Because keeping your cat in the house all day contributes to feline obesity.
4. How to Recognize and Handle Abnormal People: A Manual for the Police Officer
After all, a cop needs to know how to respond to all the weirdos out there.
5. Spinning Wheel’s Antiques for Men edited by Albert Christian Revi
Who says that antiquing isn’t a manly pursuit?
6. You’re Going to Die by R. A. Montgomery
It’s a choose your own adventure story with a depressing inevitable finish.
7. We Like Kindergarten
A Little Golden Book by the makers of The Children of the Corn.
8. The Partridge Family #10: Marked for Terror by Vic Crumb
Who knew the Partridge Family could get entangled in international terrorism?
9. Drivers Licence for Women by Dr. Frank Stahl Ph. D.
Guess this is how a woman drives with a stick shift.
10. Humiedad Relativa by Justi Zapico
Nothing titillates a man’s libido like a naked woman on top of brightly colored teddy bears.
11. Bang Bang, You’re Dead by Louise Fitzhugh and Sandra Scoppettone
Also known as Graphic Violence for Kids.
12. Bear by Marian Engel
If you’re into hot grizzly action, this is the book for you.
13. “Johnny’s Such a Bright Boy, What a Shame He’s Retarded”: In Support of Mainstreaming Public Schools by Kate Long
Winner of the “Most Insulting Title to the Disabled Award.”
14. The Psychic Sasquatch and Their UFO Connection by Jack “Kewaunee” Lapseritis M.S.
Didn’t know Bigfoot was an alien with psychic abilities.
15. Body Watchin’ Is Fun by John L. Shirley
Brought to you by the guy who makes people feel awkwardly uncomfortable in public.
16. The Boy Who Looked Like Lincoln by Mike Reiss
Finally a book about a kid who bears a resemblance to the 16th President and grew a beard before puberty.
17. At the Butt End of the Rainbow and Other Irish Tales by Clare Warner Livesly
For when you get to the butt end of the rainbow, you’ll find all kinds of freakish creatures hanging out.
18. Cat Astrology by Mary Daniels
Now you can tell your cat’s future by their star sign.
19. Catflexing: A Cat Lover’s Guide to Weight Training, Aerobics, & Stretching by Stephanie Jackson
Who knew you and your cat can get in shape together?
20. Corporate Attractions: An Inside Account of Sexual Harassment with the New Sexual Rules for Men and Women on the Job by Kathleen Neville
Apparently, these two seem to get along fine, but you’ll never know.
21. Dildo Cay by Nelson Hayes
It’s a place of fun, adventure, and erotic stimulation.
22. Drugs and Anger by Bea O’Donnell Rawls
Because drugs really bring out the worst in people.
23. Early Detection: Breast Cancer Is Curable by Philip Strax, M.D.
There’s nothing a woman enjoys more than getting her own mammogram.
24. Computers & the Beast pf Revelation by David Webber and Noah Hutchings
Computers are only machines that serve a gateway to sin.
25. The Forbidden Apple: Sex in the Schools by Philip J. Ross and John Marlowe
Because talking about sex in schools is necessary but often not encouraged.
26. Sexy PHP: A Fun Way to Learn Object Oriented PHP by C.A. Collins
Cover courtesy of PornHub and GoDaddy.com.
27. Fratricide Is a Gas by Lindsay Gutteridge
Was supposed to be called Manti and Me but the editors didn’t think it would resonate with audiences.
28. Frisbee: A Practitioner’s Manual and Treatise by Dr. Stancil E.D. Johnson
At last, a serious academic book of the significance of the Frisbee.
29. Games for Insomniacs by John G. Fuller
Finally, you can have fun while you can’t sleep at night.
30. Getting High: How to Really Do It by Dan Clark
Yes, there’s a right way to get high for teens and adults.
31. Children’s Head Injury: Who Cares? edited by David A. Johnson, David Uttely, and Maria Wyke
Apparently, nobody seems too concerned about children suffering brain damage these days.
32. Honey, We Lost the Kids: Rethinking Childhood in the Multimedia Age by Kathleen McDonnell
According to the cover, your children’s favorite cartoon characters are conspiring to kidnap them. Keep them close to you at all times.
33. God Speaks to Modern Man by Arthur E. Lickey
Just Jesus and the boss casually hanging out at the office.
34. How to Be a More Interesting Woman by Barbara Wedgewood
Finally, a book for women on how to be interesting to others.
35. What Would Jesus Craft? by Ross McDonald
Learn how to make a crucifixion clock with a tree slice so you’ll know the time to pray.
36. How to Be a Jewish Mother: A Very Lovely Training Manual by Dan Greenburg
Now there’s a manual for Jewish moms on how to do it right.
37. Jinny Williams Library Assistant: A Career Romance for Young Moderns by Sara A. Temkin and Lucy A. Hovell
Didn’t know library assistants had interesting love lives.
38. Unfit for Command by John O’Neill and Jerome R. Corsi, Ph.D.
Or “How to Smear a Presidential Candidate by Attacking His Vietnam War Service and Patriotism with Bullshit for Political Gain.”
39. The You Can Do It! Kids Diet by Dee Matthews with Allan Zullo and Bruce Nash
The how to guide on fighting childhood obesity and perhaps self-esteem.
40. Knife Throwing: A Practical Guide by Harry K. McEvoy
Learn how to throw knives like a pro.
41. Role Models: Miley Cyrus by Dave Robson
Read about the life of Miley Cyrus and how she’s a great role model.
42. More of Jesus Less of Me: An Entirely New Revolutionary Approach to Weight Control by Joan Cavanaugh with Pat Forseth
Lose weight the righteous way through accepting Jesus as your lord and savior.
43. We Never Had Any Trouble Before: First Aid for Parents of Teenagers by Roger W. Paine III
A guide for parents of teens who feel like they’re living in hell.
44. Build an Oil-Fired Tilting Furnace by Steve Chastain
Now you can build a piece of industrial technology in your own backyard.
45. Mrs. Allen On All Fours: Develop a Perfect Relationship with Your Pet by Barbara A. Allen
If you want to walk a mile in your dog’s shoes, then you might as well go down on your hands and knees.
46. Boys in Control by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Finally, a preteen book about sexual harassment, privacy invasion, and voyeurism.
47. What’s a Parent to Do? by C. S. Lovett
Got rowdy teens shaking their fists in revolt? Here’s the book for you.
48. Mother, How Could You! by Eve Bunting
Tagline: “Of all the things for her mother to do…”
49. Pinocchio: Vampire Slayer by Van Jensen and Dusty Higgins
He’s not a puppet. He’s a vampire slaying real boy who’ll kill blood sucking fiends.
50. Sarah T.: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic by Robin S. Wagner
Read this gripping tale of a teenage drunken brat.
51. The Sex of the Dollar: Street-Smart Financial Planning by Anne Kohn Blau
Didn’t know dollars had a sex.
52. Soil Tasting Manuel: Procedures, Classification, Data, and Sampling Practices by Robert W. Day
Want to know what dirt tastes like? Here’s the book for you.
53. The Square Root of Sex by Ted Mark
Before The Big Bang Theory, we had books like these for nerd romance.
54. God, the Rod, and Your Child’s Rod: The Art of Loving Correction for Christian Parents by Larry Tomczak
Instilling the fear of God and corporal punishment will get your kid to lead a healthy life.
55. There’s Power in the V by Takerra Allen
Not sure what the hell the V means. Vagina? Just a guess.
56. The Beginner’s Guide to Animal Autopsy
From this book, you can learn what’s inside an animal and what killed it.
57. My Dad’s Definitely Not a Drunk! by Elisa Lynn Carbone
A novel about a young girl in denial of her dad’s alcoholism.
58. Heavenly Bodies: Remembering Hollywood and Fashion’s Favorite AIDS Benefit by Michael Anketell
Featuring styles from Victoria’s Secret.
59. Weak Link: The Feminization of the American Military by Brian Mitchell
For the manly military men who are so insecure in their masculinity that they think women shouldn’t protect them from terrorists.
60. Rowing: The Skill of the Game by Rosie Mayalothling
If you want to know about this manly sport, here is the book for you.