Never Judge a Book By Its Cover – Well, Most of the Time (Sixth Edition)

Summer is also a season where people like to catch up on their reading, namely during vacation. Sometimes it might be a noteworthy work of literature or a page turning read. But other times it just might consist of pulpy paperbacks, Harlequin romances, or Fifty Shades of Grey. Of course, you can’t always judge a book by its cover. Except on the occasions you can which is where I come in. Looking at some of these covers, it’s sometimes easy to tell whether it’s good or bad. Like if it depicts a rather stylized romance scene, especially if the man resembles a Greek god. Or if a sci-fi book has a very ridiculous illustration that seemed inspired by an acid trip. Or if its image clearly pertains to some unsettling subject matter that doesn’t seem quite right. But whatever the case, I hope you enjoy yet another installment of terrible book covers for your reading pleasure. By the way, some of these may not be safe for work.

 

  1. Clash of Star-Kings: The Night the Stars Fell and the Spacemen Rose by Avram Davison

Wonder if that’s supposed to be a mythological figure. I think there’s an Egyptian god who looks like that. But he seems royally pissed right now so proceed with caution.

Now you must bow before the Crocodile lord of all creation.

2. The Boy with Dinosaur Hands: Nine Tales of the Real and Unreal by Al Carusone

Come to think of it, scissor hands aren’t great either. But at least your palms won’t bear ant resemblance to Jurassic Park.

Remember, kids, having dinosaur hands isn’t really as cool as it’s cracked up to be.

3. Cathletics: Ways to Amuse and Exercise Your Cat by Jo and Paul Loeb

Still, this isn’t the craziest cat book I’ve seen. After all, cats do need exercise. Yet, still I wonder what ridiculous workouts this book contains.

Because keeping your cat in the house all day contributes to feline obesity.

4. How to Recognize and Handle Abnormal People: A Manual for the Police Officer

Not sure what they mean by “abnormal people.” I mean that could be just about anyone. Just don’t tell me this book doesn’t contain offensive stereotypes.

After all, a cop needs to know how to respond to all the weirdos out there.

5. Spinning Wheel’s Antiques for Men edited by Albert Christian Revi

I’m sure there are plenty of men who collect antiques. And not just toy soldiers either. Hope those aren’t made of lead.

Who says that antiquing isn’t a manly pursuit?

6. You’re Going to Die by R. A. Montgomery

Seems like this kid’s real disillusioned about life in general. Man, this cover just has to bum you out.

It’s a choose your own adventure story with a depressing inevitable finish.

7. We Like Kindergarten

Look, I understand this book aims to help kids adjust to kindergarten. But that little girl holding the picture must really freak out the parents.

A Little Golden Book by the makers of The Children of the Corn.

8. The Partridge Family #10: Marked for Terror by Vic Crumb

Basically it’s about Keith getting arrested by the FBI and thrown into Gitmo. Those Enhanced Interrogation scenes are a riot.

Who knew the Partridge Family could get entangled in international terrorism?

9. Drivers Licence for Women by Dr. Frank Stahl Ph. D.

How the hell does making out naked near a beach have anything to do with driving? Because I have no idea.

Guess this is how a woman drives with a stick shift.

10. Humiedad Relativa by Justi Zapico

I’m sure the stuffed animals really kills the mood here. Let’s just say nudity and stuffed toys don’t really belong together.

Nothing titillates a man’s libido like a naked woman on top of brightly colored teddy bears.

11. Bang Bang, You’re Dead by Louise Fitzhugh and Sandra Scoppettone

This book is from 1969 but it hasn’t aged well for obvious reasons. Yet, it has kids saying things like “I got you dead!” and “Yeah, we’ll fix those skunks. Let’s chop off their heads!”

Also known as Graphic Violence for Kids.

12. Bear by Marian Engel

Yes, Sandra and Smokey were mad with each other. Yet, Smokey had to constantly watch his claws and animal instincts.

If you’re into hot grizzly action, this is the book for you.

13. “Johnny’s Such a Bright Boy, What a Shame He’s Retarded”: In Support of Mainstreaming Public Schools by Kate Long

I don’t know what this book says about people with intellectual disabilities. But the title doesn’t seem to suggest anything positive.

Winner of the “Most Insulting Title to the Disabled Award.”

14. The Psychic Sasquatch and Their UFO Connection by Jack “Kewaunee” Lapseritis M.S.

You can guess what they’ll be talking about here. Still, Sasquatches aren’t real whether they have ESP or not.

Didn’t know Bigfoot was an alien with psychic abilities.

15. Body Watchin’ Is Fun by John L. Shirley

I’m sure it pertains to people watching. But the photos on this cover make the subject matter all the more disturbing.

Brought to you by the guy who makes people feel awkwardly uncomfortable in public.

16. The Boy Who Looked Like Lincoln by Mike Reiss

Is it just me? Or does book seem goddamn freaky? Also, the other kids all have crazy heads. This book must’ve been written and illustrated on weed.

Finally a book about a kid who bears a resemblance to the 16th President and grew a beard before puberty.

17. At the Butt End of the Rainbow and Other Irish Tales by Clare Warner Livesly

Still, “butt end” really? Is the “butt” really necessary? Or is this a book of Irish bathroom tales? Like “Finn MacCool and His Restless Bowels” or “The Silent But Deadly Scourge of Cuchulainn.”

For when you get to the butt end of the rainbow, you’ll find all kinds of freakish creatures hanging out.

18. Cat Astrology by Mary Daniels

Yes, this kitty horoscope book exists. I know it’s crazy. But apparently there are cat owners who really believe this shit.

Now you can tell your cat’s future by their star sign.

19. Catflexing: A Cat Lover’s Guide to Weight Training, Aerobics, & Stretching by Stephanie Jackson

Catflexing? How is that a thing? Does that woman know how ridiculous she looks flexing with her cat?

Who knew you and your cat can get in shape together?

20. Corporate Attractions: An Inside Account of Sexual Harassment with the New Sexual Rules for Men and Women on the Job by Kathleen Neville

The cover doesn’t seem to give a good impression of sexual harassment and workplace relations. Also, the art just makes it look a bit outdated.

Apparently, these two seem to get along fine, but you’ll never know.

21. Dildo Cay by Nelson Hayes

Believe it or not, this was actually a best-seller and made into a movie called Bahama Passage starring Madeleine Carroll, Sterling Hayden, and Dorothy Dandridge. Movie tagline reads: “The two most gorgeous humans you’ve ever beheld – caressed by soft tropic winds – tossed by the tides of love!” There’s also a real place.

It’s a place of fun, adventure, and erotic stimulation.

22. Drugs and Anger by Bea O’Donnell Rawls

This book implies that taking drugs will turn you in to a raving lunatic who’d use broken bottles as a weapon. You’ve been warned. So don’t start.

Because drugs really bring out the worst in people.

23. Early Detection: Breast Cancer Is Curable by Philip Strax, M.D.

Yeah, that’s not really good placement. Also, breast cancer is a horrible disease that kills women every year. So why does the mammogram machine get the 1970s floral treatment.

There’s nothing a woman enjoys more than getting her own mammogram.

24. Computers & the Beast pf Revelation by David Webber and Noah Hutchings

Sorry, but computers aren’t evil at all. Nor will they usher in the apocalypse. Also, a snake shouldn’t be near one.

Computers are only machines that serve a gateway to sin.

25. The Forbidden Apple: Sex in the Schools by Philip J. Ross and John Marlowe

Still, what I find disturbing about this is that a grown man stands between two teenage girls. It’s implied he’s their teacher. You’d think they’d use a better photo than that for a teen sex book.

Because talking about sex in schools is necessary but often not encouraged.

26. Sexy PHP: A Fun Way to Learn Object Oriented PHP by C.A. Collins

No, PHP has nothing to do with sex. It’s a server-side language used in web development. But you couldn’t tell from the cover.

Cover courtesy of PornHub and GoDaddy.com.

27. Fratricide Is a Gas by Lindsay Gutteridge

Of course, she’s trying to rip your head off. You just fucked her. What did you expect?

Was supposed to be called Manti and Me but the editors didn’t think it would resonate with audiences.

28. Frisbee: A Practitioner’s Manual and Treatise by Dr. Stancil E.D. Johnson

For God’s sake, a frisbee is something you toss to your dog. How do I have to describe it?

At last, a serious academic book of the significance of the Frisbee.

29. Games for Insomniacs by John G. Fuller

Of course, if you have insomnia you could just stay up playing video games. That’s what most insomniacs do anyway.

Finally, you can have fun while you can’t sleep at night.

30. Getting High: How to Really Do It by Dan Clark

Hate to break it to stoners, but this isn’t a book on how to get a buzz from drugs. It’s actually a Christian devotional for teens and their parents. Sorry.

Yes, there’s a right way to get high for teens and adults.

31. Children’s Head Injury: Who Cares? edited by David A. Johnson, David Uttely, and Maria Wyke

That’s a pretty insensitive title since kids’ head injuries can cause serious harm throughout their lives. Also, the Humpty Dumpty motif doesn’t help.

Apparently, nobody seems too concerned about children suffering brain damage these days.

32. Honey, We Lost the Kids: Rethinking Childhood in the Multimedia Age by Kathleen McDonnell

Some people seem to go to great lengths to make the media look evil. That baby seems incredibly creepy along with that Simpsons character with the flaming red hair.

According to the cover, your children’s favorite cartoon characters are conspiring to kidnap them. Keep them close to you at all times.

33. God Speaks to Modern Man by Arthur E. Lickey

“What do you mean my appearance doesn’t adhere to dress code standards. I come from 1st century Palestine for my dad’s sake!”

Just Jesus and the boss casually hanging out at the office.

34. How to Be a More Interesting Woman by Barbara Wedgewood

Based on the cover, I think the book is filled with sexist trash from the Mad Men era. Because I don’t need a stupid book like that to be interesting.

Finally, a book for women on how to be interesting to others.

35. What Would Jesus Craft? by Ross McDonald

Is it just me or a Catholic thing? But isn’t a crucified Christ clock kind of sacreligious? Just a thought.

Learn how to make a crucifixion clock with a tree slice so you’ll know the time to pray.

36. How to Be a Jewish Mother: A Very Lovely Training Manual by Dan Greenburg

If there’s a book about being a Jewish mother, shouldn’t it be written by an actual Jewish mother? Because I don’t think Dan Greenburg has those kind of credentials due to being a dude.

Now there’s a manual for Jewish moms on how to do it right.

37. Jinny Williams Library Assistant: A Career Romance for Young Moderns by Sara A. Temkin and Lucy A. Hovell

I’m sure this book was written because library assistant was one of the few career paths available to women. Still, to call it a “career romance” is a long shot.

Didn’t know library assistants had interesting love lives.

38. Unfit for Command by John O’Neill and Jerome R. Corsi, Ph.D.

This is a book reeking with bullshit about John Kerry which would later lead to the term “swiftboating.” Such a book should be taken off the shelves and thrown into an incinerator where it belongs.

Or “How to Smear a Presidential Candidate by Attacking His Vietnam War Service and Patriotism with Bullshit for Political Gain.”

39. The You Can Do It! Kids Diet by Dee Matthews with Allan Zullo and Bruce Nash

Childhood obesity aside, there’s a reason dieting for kids is so controversial. Parents should consult their pediatrician so I’ll leave it at that.

The how to guide on fighting childhood obesity and perhaps self-esteem.

40. Knife Throwing: A Practical Guide by Harry K. McEvoy

Yes, this is a book about knife throwing. Learn how to throw knives at targets like trees, rodents, and Jen at accounting. Scratch the last bit.

Learn how to throw knives like a pro.

41. Role Models: Miley Cyrus by Dave Robson

I guess she was doing Hanna Montana at the time. Now she’s known for her VMA appearance and “Wrecking Ball.”

Read about the life of Miley Cyrus and how she’s a great role model.

42. More of Jesus Less of Me: An Entirely New Revolutionary Approach to Weight Control by Joan Cavanaugh with Pat Forseth

Christian weight loss guides? Seriously? You’d almost think there’s a Christian answer for everything.

Lose weight the righteous way through accepting Jesus as your lord and savior.

43. We Never Had Any Trouble Before: First Aid for Parents of Teenagers by Roger W. Paine III

Despite what pop culture says, teenagers aren’t really that terrible. But parents are known to overreact and Hollywood validates their fears.

A guide for parents of teens who feel like they’re living in hell.

44. Build an Oil-Fired Tilting Furnace by Steve Chastain

Uh, I think a project like that would be too dangerous. Besides, I don’t think most neighborhoods allow you to build something like that.

Now you can build a piece of industrial technology in your own backyard.

45. Mrs. Allen On All Fours: Develop a Perfect Relationship with Your Pet by Barbara A. Allen

Then again, your dog might think you’re an idiot trying to relate to them like that. No owner should have to bring themselves to that.

If you want to walk a mile in your dog’s shoes, then you might as well go down on your hands and knees.

46. Boys in Control by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Yes, that’s very inappropriate. Suzy should give Tad a restraining order. Seriously, there are literally laws against what the hell he’s doing.

Finally, a preteen book about sexual harassment, privacy invasion, and voyeurism.

47. What’s a Parent to Do? by C. S. Lovett

Seems like these parenting guides on teens make them seem like monsters. They even have a badge on the arm. Crazy.

Got rowdy teens shaking their fists in revolt? Here’s the book for you.

48. Mother, How Could You! by Eve Bunting

Seems like the mother caught her daughter making out with her boyfriend. And her daughter is pissed. Mother is embarrassed. Also, what’s the mom wearing, a nightgown?

Tagline: “Of all the things for her mother to do…”

49. Pinocchio: Vampire Slayer by Van Jensen and Dusty Higgins

Who knew that Pinocchio could kill vampires? Still, this is hilarious and kind of ridiculous. But not like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

He’s not a puppet. He’s a vampire slaying real boy who’ll kill blood sucking fiends.

50. Sarah T.: Portrait of a Teenage Alcoholic by Robin S. Wagner

Seems like a real brat from the cover. Based on a TV movie from the 1980s.

Read this gripping tale of a teenage drunken brat.

51. The Sex of the Dollar: Street-Smart Financial Planning by Anne Kohn Blau

No, it’s not about prostitution. It’s about managing your money when you earn 20% less than your male colleagues. For God’s sake can’t we instill equal for pay for women already! It’s the least employers and politicians can do.

Didn’t know dollars had a sex.

52. Soil Tasting Manuel: Procedures, Classification, Data, and Sampling Practices by Robert W. Day

Actually, it’s supposed to be: Soil Testing Manual but there were typos. See how books become if you don’t proofread?

Want to know what dirt tastes like? Here’s the book for you.

53. The Square Root of Sex by Ted Mark

By the same guy who wrote The Man from O.R.G.Y. Think Fifty Shades of Grey meets The Big Bang Theory. And set it back to the 1970s.

Before The Big Bang Theory, we had books like these for nerd romance.

54. God, the Rod, and Your Child’s Rod: The Art of Loving Correction for Christian Parents by Larry Tomczak

Here there’s a kid with a bad haircut trying to get stuff out of the cookie jar. Seriously, this cover is messed up.

Instilling the fear of God and corporal punishment will get your kid to lead a healthy life.

55. There’s Power in the V by Takerra Allen

Nevertheless, this cover looks more like a hair salon ad than anything. Also, the type kind of clashes.

Not sure what the hell the V means. Vagina? Just a guess.

56. The Beginner’s Guide to Animal Autopsy

Features a teddy bear with all kinds of mechanized insides. Though most just have stuffing in them.

From this book, you can learn what’s inside an animal and what killed it.

57. My Dad’s Definitely Not a Drunk! by Elisa Lynn Carbone

I’m sure plenty of children of alcoholic parents can relate. Still, the dad’s definitely a drunk.

A novel about a young girl in denial of her dad’s alcoholism.

58. Heavenly Bodies: Remembering Hollywood and Fashion’s Favorite AIDS Benefit by Michael Anketell

Because nothing brings the ravages of AIDS to the forefront like a scantily clad model with wings. I’m sure they could’ve used a more dignified picture for the cover.

Featuring styles from Victoria’s Secret.

59. Weak Link: The Feminization of the American Military by Brian Mitchell

Contrary to what this book says, women in the military don’t make the US weak. You know what does? Electing a sociopathic demagogue with authoritarian tendencies to the White House.

For the manly military men who are so insecure in their masculinity that they think women shouldn’t protect them from terrorists.

60. Rowing: The Skill of the Game by Rosie Mayalothling

After all, there is nothing more manly than being packed on a boat with shorts and an undershit and longingly looking over the guy in front of you. Boy, Jake has it in for Randy hard. But should he tell him?

If you want to know about this manly sport, here is the book for you.

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