The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 6-The Grounds and the Hunt

The Grounds: Part of Downton Abbey not much is paid attention to, since the staff there doesn't pay any attention to since they don't work in the house or play any role in the lives of the family. Yet, their main job is just making the estate look pretty and protecting game from poachers so the family can hunt and impress visitors.

The Grounds: Part of Downton Abbey not much is paid attention to, since the staff there doesn’t pay any attention to since they don’t work in the house or play any role in the lives of the family. Yet, their main job is just making the estate look pretty and protecting game from poachers so the family can hunt and impress visitors.

The outside staff isn’t the main focus on Downton Abbey nor is it in any fiction pertaining to a grand British estate. Sure they may not work in the great house or interact with the family as much but it doesn’t mean they’re outside working their tails off. After all, the grounds at Downton need their share of caretaking, too. I mean someone must be doing all the gardening, weeding, planting, mowing, and landscaping to keep the place pristine for visitors. If Downton didn’t have anyone who didn’t tend to the grounds how else could the Granthams have garden parties, hunts, afternoon strolls, dog walks, bazaars, cricket matches, and other outdoor activities. And who’s going to tend to the vegetables, flowers, and exotic plants in the greenhouse? Of course, as for the hunt, there has to be a staff for that, too. I mean who else is going to take care of the hounds and terriers as well as keep them together? Nevertheless, hunting was a frequent activity on large estates like Downton Abbey in which a bunch of rich guys usually grabbed their guns, saddled on, horseback, and rode away to catch some game, which could be a fox, pheasant, or deer. Sometimes there were staff that threw up the pheasants for the aristocrats to shoot at. And a lot of times the members of the hunting party would be totally wasted. Of course, the horseback riding bit, I’ll get to in the next post since it goes well with travel. So without further adieu, here are the jobs associated with groundskeeping and hunting in the world of Downton Abbey.

The Grounds

Garden: At Downton Abbey, this is the place for the village vs. estate cricket match as well as the bazaar. Yet, during a garden party, it's customary that everyone dress in white and don't step on the flowers.

Garden: At Downton Abbey, this is the place for the village vs. estate cricket match as well as the bazaar. Yet, during a garden party, it’s customary that everyone dress in white and don’t step on the flowers.

1. Head Gardener
Function: In charge of the hot houses, green houses, and conservatories on the estate. Supervises the gardeners as well as seasonal harvest employees as well. Escorted visitors on grounds and acted as a guide.
Pay and Benefits: Since impressive gardens were important as impressing guests, his annual salary could be as much as 30-50 pounds ($3,100-$5,400). Also had a private cottage on the estate.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, but didn’t have the same privileges as those inside the house would’ve like the Stable Master. Addressed by last name and reported directly to the Estate Manager or master.
Hours: From sunrise to sunset as well as depending on the seasons.
Typical Candidate: Usually an experienced gardener demonstrating a knowledge of flowers, vegetables, fruits, and landscape design.
Characters who had this job: Well, there’s an off-screen character named Mr. Brockit who’s said to hold this job at Downton Abbey.

2. Game Keeper
Function: Responsible for maintaining the local populations of the estate so the master and guests would have game such as pheasant to hunt. Cracks down on trespassers and poachers. May even have his own staff.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 30-50 pounds ($3,100-$5,400) as well as his own cottage on the estate.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to the Estate Manager.
Hours: Usually was on a 24/7 job with small breaks in between to fulfill basic needs.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who knows how to breed wild game and is familiar with game laws.
Characters who had this job: Well, there hasn’t been a character on the show who’s had this job, but it probably does exist on Downton Abbey seeing that Lord Robert owns large tracts of land and goes hunting. However, outside the show, Rubeus Hagrid had this job at Hogwarts in the Harry Potter series. Of course, the creatures he has to look after aren’t the kind of animals a normal gamekeeper would be familiar with, especially in the Forbidden Forest.

3.  Gardener

Gardener: At Dower House, this job goes to the guy later fired due to suspicion of stealing a letter opener the Dowager Countess received from the King of Sweden. Thanks to Mrs. Crawley's interference, he was later reinstated.

Gardener: At Dower House, this job goes to the guy later fired due to suspicion of stealing a letter opener the Dowager Countess received from the King of Sweden. Thanks to Mrs. Crawley’s interference, he was later reinstated.

Function: Responsible for the care and maintenance of the estate’s or house’s grounds, horticulture, and produce. Duties may depend on the size of household or staff. On smaller estates, may be the resident handyman as well. May be supervised by Head Gardener, sometimes not.
Pay and Benefits: Well, depends on the size of the estate or whether he was the only one there. Either resided on the estate or had his own cottage.
Status: Well, since a gardener usually worked on smaller estates, he probably didn’t have a place on the servant hierarchy. If part of a team, he’d usually be a member of the Lower Staff, addressed by his first name, and reported directly to the Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from sunrise to sunset at least as well as depended on the seasons.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who had an extensive knowledge of plants, particularly fruit trees and flowers.
Characters who had this job: Well, there was one of Rose McClare’s boyfriends named Sam Thawley from Season 4 (but he’s from the Easingwold Estate, though Downton Abbey has to have some). The Dowager Countess also had at least a couple at Dower House and suspected one of them of stealing her ornate letter opener. Joseph Moseley’s father worked as one as well. Outside the show, a great fictional example is Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings who’s from a whole family of them that worked for Bilbo Baggins (yet, “gardener” is actually more like his official job title).

4. Grounds Keeper

Grounds Keeper: At Easingwold Estate, this job goes to the nice strapping young man who sweeps a marquis's daughter under a servant's guise. Of course, he never had a chance with her due to Edwardian class differences of the day. Yet, maybe would've been better off with Daisy. After all, she may run a farm and he may know something about landscaping.

Grounds Keeper: At Easingwold Estate, this job goes to the nice strapping young man who sweeps a marquis’s daughter under a servant’s guise. Of course, he never had a chance with her due to Edwardian class differences of the day. Yet, maybe would’ve been better off with Daisy. After all, she may run a farm and he may know something about landscaping. But, man, he sure can dance.

Function: General laborers under the Head Gardener. Responsible for everything from planting trees to cutting grass as well as other tasks relating to landscaping.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 8-16 pounds ($850-$1,700) depending on age and ability as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from sunrise to sunset.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man at least in his teens or possibly younger.
Characters who had this job: Possibly Sam Thawley from Season 4, though he was referred to as a, “gardener.” Still, Downton Abbey has a lot of these since it’s a large estate.

5. Park Keeper
Function: Cares for the deer at the estate.
Pay and Benefits: Sizeable annual salary as well as his own cottage on the estate.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, reported to Game Keeper.
Hours: This is a 24/7 job.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who knows quite a bit about deer.
Characters who had this job: While there are no characters with this job at Downton Abbey, this doesn’t mean that the Granthams don’t have one. I mean, they sponsor hunts.

6. Yard Boy
Function: Fetched wood and aided gardener in utilitarian affairs.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, possibly among the lowest positions. Addressed by first name and reported to Head Gardener.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy who could be as young as 10, maybe even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey.

The Hunt

The Hunt: At Downton Abbey, this is an event in which the Granthams and a lot of rich folks load up their guns, saddle up on horseback,  and ride on wit the dogs to shoot some prized game. Not sure if any of them get wasted before then but there's a lot of comedy sketches that play off the alcohol bit.

The Hunt: At Downton Abbey, this is an event in which the Granthams and a lot of rich folks load up their guns, saddle up on horseback, and ride on wit the dogs to shoot some prized game. Not sure if any of them get wasted before then but there’s a lot of comedy sketches that play off the alcohol bit. Nevertheless, when Lady Mary takes part, is a source of a lot of sexual tension.

1. Master of the Hounds

Master of the Hounds: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the guy who's name you don't know and probably gets barely any screen time. Yet, he's in charge of the pack and gets the hunt started so Lady could have her 3 way love triangle with Evelyn Napier, Matthew Crawley, and Kemal Pamuk.

Master of the Hounds: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the guy who’s name you don’t know and probably gets barely any screen time. Yet, he’s in charge of the pack and gets the hunt started so Lady could have her 3 way love triangle with Evelyn Napier, Matthew Crawley, and Kemal Pamuk.

Function: Operates the sporting activities of the hunt, maintains the kennels, and has the final say in all matters of the hunt on the estate.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure that he received a generous compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to the Estate Manager.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who has experience with hunting and dogs.
Characters who had this job: Though no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone does at the estate. However, he’s part of a staff that’s not the show’s main focus.

2. Kennelman
Function: Looked after the hounds and assured all tasks were completed when pack and staff return from hunting.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they were well compensated as well as received room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Master of the Hounds.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: A man who’s had experience working with dogs.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

3. Huntsman
Function: Responsible for directing the hounds during a hunt. Carries a horn to communicate with the hounds, followers, and whippers-in. May fill the role of Kennelman or Master of the Hounds.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a handsome compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name. Reported to Master of the Hounds.
Hours: Worked as long as needed as far as I know.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s had experience with dogs and hunting.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

4. Terrier Man
Function: Carried out fox control when the object of the hunt is to kill one. Controlled the terriers that may be used underground to flush out the fox.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a handsome compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to Master of the Hounds.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night or whenever as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s had experience with dogs.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

5. Whipper-In
Function: Assistant to the huntsman whose main job was to keep the pack together as well as prevent the pack from straying.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a fair compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to the Huntsman.
Hours: Worked as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s had experience with dogs and animals but not as much as the Huntsman.
Characters who had this job: While no named characters have this job at Downton Abbey, it’s possible someone on the estate does. However, the hunting staff aren’t the main focus on the show.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 5-The Dressing Room and the Nursery

The Family: At Downton Abbey, this post is devoted to the servants who work closest with them and seek to their personal needs. Of course, it's not all the time do we have a family in which the both grandparents and grandchildren don't dress themselves.

The Family: At Downton Abbey, this post is devoted to the servants who work closest with them and seek to their personal needs. Of course, it’s not all the time do we have a family in which the both grandparents and grandchildren don’t dress themselves.

The reason why I combined servant jobs relating to the dressing room and the nursery because these were the servants who were probably the closest to the family and dealt with them on a daily basis (well, other than the butler, housekeeper, and cook but they had their own departments). Contrary to what you’d see on Downton Abbey, those with the large estates weren’t actively in contact with the lowliest scullery maid let alone took an active role in planning her wedding to her deathbed ridden fiance (then again, WWI was a time of extraordinary upheaval). Yet, most of the time, servants in general (save maybe the footmen and possibly the butler) were required to be invisible and many houses were designed to keep them separate from the family and unseen from not only the guests but also those who hired them. However, there were some positions in the household where invisibility wasn’t an option at least in regards where the family was concerned. After all, someone has to seek to the lord and lady of the house’s every need, make their clothes, keep them company, and raise their kids. I mean the family had a reputation to live up with all the fancy balls, banquets, and parties, which may take weeks to plan in advance. The mistress doesn’t have the time to get dressed or tend to her children’s every need, except maybe arrange a suitable marriage. As for the master, well, he’s too busy with his purchased government post and expanding his estate. So for your reading pleasure, here are the servant jobs relating to the Dressing Room and the Nursery.

The Dressing Room:

Master Dressing Room: At Downton Abbey, this is the room in the house where the resident Earl of Grantham gets dressed about 4 or more times a day. Also, serves as a second bedroom to the resident Earl whenever is wife is furious with him after their daughter died from post-partum eclampsia.

Master Dressing Room: At Downton Abbey, this is the room in the house where the resident Earl of Grantham gets dressed about 4 or more times a day. Also, serves as a second bedroom to the resident Earl whenever is wife is furious with him after their daughter died from post-partum eclampsia.

1.  Lady’s Companion
Function: Accompanied their mistress on excursions as well as participated in shopping, playing cards, and aiding in her comfort. They’re sort of like 24-hour on call friends for hire. You might call it an acceptable form of platonic prostitution.
Pay and Benefits: Well, I’m sure they received a generous compensation.
Status: Well, they weren’t actually considered servants, but they were addressed as “Mrs.” regardless of courtesy. Wouldn’t result in loss of class status.
Hours: Well, they were usually hired to work on call which could be all day.
Typical Candidate: Must be a young unmarried woman of upper or middle class birth who possessed an education in music, language, conversation, and the arts. Usually women who were too rich to be maids or prostitutes but don’t have any other opportunities available. Sometimes they could be male.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since there were more opportunities for women by that time. However, until the mid-20th century, this job continued to exist (as I’ve seen in a few old movies. Carlo from My Man Godfrey is a good example despite being male. The second Mrs. de Winter was also one during her single years) but not in the same capacity as before the 19th century.

2. Valet

Valet: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the middle aged disabled war veteran with a history of alcoholism, prison time, and a vindictive estranged first wife. Sure he's a nice mild mannered guy who seems to have a lot of bad things happen to him. Yet, whatever you do, don't ever rape his wife Anna. Because he's will find out and can easily kill you. Also has a cool pimp cane.

Valet: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the middle aged disabled war veteran with a history of alcoholism, prison time, and a vindictive estranged first wife. Sure he’s a nice mild mannered guy who seems to have a lot of bad things happen to him. Yet, whatever you do, don’t ever rape his wife Anna. Because he will find out and can easily kill you. Also has a cool pimp cane.

Function: Gentleman’s male servant responsible to the master’s person seeking to his every personal need like preparing his toilette, dressing and undressing him, maintaining his clothes, shaving him, running his bath, and packing and unpacking his clothes while traveling. When his master is away, he accompanies him and is his constant companion. Not to mention, he loads his master’s rifle while shooting, stands behind his master’s chair during meals, brushes his clothes, and cleans his boots. Sometimes he even performs secretarial duties as well. If their master is infirm or elderly, he sometimes attends to his health needs. If there’s no valet present, then the butler or footman usually perform these duties and perhaps only for a single man.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20-30 pounds ($2,100-$3,200). Usually are paid more than a lady’s maid. Might have his own room or cottage depending on marital status. Yet, might sleep in the same room as his master.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and is only answerable to his master alone. Does not wear a livery. In some households, it’s possible for every adult male member to have their own. Addressed by his last name, usually. May possibly outrank the butler and be paid more than him, too.
Hours: Well, valets have long days attending to their masters’ needs (from the time he’s up to until he goes to bed) and they probably have the least free time. While the other servants may have some free time while the family is away, the valet doesn’t since he has to travel with his master wherever he goes.
Typical Candidate: Valets learn their skills for their roles in various ways. Some began as footmen and learning on the job as well as taking over for their master’s valet on some occasions (like Thomas). Sometimes they could learn by performing various tasks for the sons or male guests who didn’t travel with one (again, as Thomas did). Others started out as servants for military officers such as batmen for those in the army or stewards for those in the navy (as Bates did and William Mason would’ve if he hadn’t died). May have also started as a steward’s boy as well.
Characters who had this job: John Bates has this job at Downton Abbey serving as valet for Lord Robert, Earl of Grantham and has been employed since the very first episode (with Thomas and others occasionally taking over). Bates was hired since he served as the Earl’s batman during the Boer Wars. Joseph Molesley has worked as Matthew Crawley’s valet in Seasons 1 and 3 (in Season 2, he’s just hanging around the Crawley House). Outside the show, famous valets in fiction include Jeeves who works for Bertie Wooster from the P. G. Wodehouse stories (and is basically a saint since Wooster has the emotional maturity of a fratboy), Figaro who works for the Count of Almaviva in The Marriage of Figaro which inspired two operas by Mozart and Rossini (though he’s sometimes listed as a barber), Passepartout for Phileas Fogg in Jules Verne’s Around the World in Eighty Days, and Alfred Pennyworth who works and acts as a father figure for Batman. Hercule Poirot and D’Artangnan employ one, too. Let’s just say, this position is very well represented in fiction.

3. Lady’s Maid

Lady's Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to a middle aged scheming bitch willing to take advantage of her mistress's horrible judge of character for all it's worth. Whether it's ransacking the housekeeper's room for a snuff box, tricking a footman into committing sexual assault, disseminating details about the boss's daughter and the Turk,  or causing a miscarriage through her ladyship's soap, she will always remain her mistress's most trusted servant. Yes, lack of background checks give this position ultimate job security.

Lady’s Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to a middle aged scheming bitch willing to take advantage of her mistress’s horrible judge of character for all it’s worth. Whether it’s ransacking the housekeeper’s room for a snuff box, tricking a footman into committing sexual assault, disseminating details about the boss’s daughter and the Turk, or causing a miscarriage through her ladyship’s soap, she will always remain her mistress’s most trusted servant. Yes, lack of background checks give this position ultimate job security.

Function: Charged with attending to her mistress’s appearance such as arranging her hair, caring for her clothes, packing and unpacking her clothes while traveling, and dressing her. Can also make her mistress’s dresses. Is responsible for bringing up her mistress’s breakfast, drawing her bath, putting out necessities for walking and riding, putting away her jewels, washing her lace and fine linens, and putting her room in order. At another time, she was said for being responsible for carrying messages in her clothes and accompanying her on errands.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20-30 pounds ($2,100-$3,200) as well as own room or cottage depending on marital status.
Status: Usually addressed by her last name and “Miss” if unmarried. However, despite being paid lower than a valet this is perhaps the zenith position in the maid world. Also, is only answerable to the mistress alone. There could be as many lady’s maids on an estate as there are women. An estate the size of Downton Abbey would’ve included one for each adult female family member “out” in society (which means the Crawleys should have at least 3 or 4 of them).
Hours: Like a valet, lady’s maids have long days from early morning to late at night since they have to attend to their mistress’ every need. And while other servants have free time while the family is away, they have to go with them. Yet, at least the women of the house didn’t travel as often as the men in those days.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman who’s spent considerable time as a maid whether it be as a house maid, chamber maid, or parlor maid. Not to mention, has experience tending to a woman’s personal needs.
Characters who had this job: Sarah O’Brien was one to Lady Cora, Countess of Grantham from Season 1 to Season 3. Yet, before she left, she had been working at Downton Abbey for over 20 years (about the same as Mrs. Patmore). Since Season 4, she’s left Downton Abbey to work for Lady Susan Flintshire (which furthers secures Thomas’ place since she was the only other resident baddie there). In Season 4 Cora’s lady’s maids have been Edna Braithwhite (who Mrs. Hughes had forced to resign) and Phyllis Baxter who holds that post as of Season 4 as well as known for her sewing machine and textile work. And from Season 3 onward, Anna Bates has been acting as lady’s maid to Lady Mary but she’s not addressed by her last name for obvious reasons.

4. Tailor
Function: Responsible for making, repairing, or altering clothing such as suits, pants, and trousers, particularly for men.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received as fair compensation as well as room and board depending on the era.
Status: If a servant member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name. Could also be a professional with his own shop.
Hours: Worked as often as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s apprenticed as well as has considerable skill making clothes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t seem to exist at Downton Abbey, at least in a servant capacity, which probably became defunct with the sewing machine.

5. Dressmaker
Function: Responsible for making custom clothing for women such as dresses, blouses, evening gowns.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure she received a generous sum of money besides room and board. If not a servant, she may have had her own shop.
Status: Either a member of the Upper Staff and addressed by last name or a professional.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night or as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman skilled in making clothes as well as with a great knowledge of styles and fabrics.
Characters who had this job: So far this job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since the sewing machine made that job obsolete in the servant capacity.

6. Seamstress

Seamstress: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position given to the lady's maid who's brought her own sewing machine and could really operate one at that. Still, she also acts as the under butler's below the stairs spy through blackmail.

Seamstress: At Downton Abbey, this is an informal position given to the lady’s maid who’s brought her own sewing machine and could really operate one at that. Still, she also acts as the under butler’s below the stairs spy through blackmail.

Function: Responsible for sewing seams and repairing clothing.
Pay and Benefits: Other than room and board, not much pay as the dressmaker.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Dressmaker or Tailor.
Hours: Worked from early morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman with some sewing skill but not as much as a dressmaker.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey in the servant capacity thanks to the sewing machine. However, as of Season 4, Baxter seems to fulfill this role.

7. Hair Dresser
Function: Responsible for styling and cutting hair, especially for the ladies of the estate. Also, works with wigs depending on the era.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure one would get fair compensation if not room and board.
Status: Either as a member of the Lower Staff or as a professional.
Hours: Worked as needed but his or her schedule would be packed in the 18th century.
Typical Candidate: Someone who’s skilled with styling hair.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey as of Season 4.

8. House Boy
Function: A male house cleaner who performed a lot of tasks in the household similar to a valet and house maid.
Pay and Benefits: Compensation may vary but he was usually given room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name, if he was part of a large household.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between the ages of 10-16 and more often a person of color from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey because they were usually employed by families within the British Empire and outside Great Britain.

9. Steward’s Boy
Function: Responsible for attending the needs of the House Steward such as cleaning his dishes, brushing his clothes, attending to the lamps and candles in his room, polishing his shoes, and be a diligent messenger. Also, take over for an absent footman.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 8-16 pounds ($860-$1,700) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to the House Steward.
Hours: Had long days since they waited on somebody hand and foot.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between the ages of 10-16 from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey but I wouldn’t be surprised if Carson was one as a kid. Same may go for Bates.

The Nursery

The Nursery: At Downton Abbey, this is the room where the small children spend most of the time with the nanny while their parents can devote significant time to either running the estate, getting entangled in love triangles, or attending fancy dress balls. After all, what else are children good for than continuing the family line, anyway?

The Nursery: At Downton Abbey, this is the room where the small children spend most of the time with the nanny while their parents can devote significant time to either running the estate, getting entangled in love triangles, or attending fancy dress balls. After all, what else are children good for than continuing the family line and future marriage alliances, anyway?

1. Head Nurse or Nanny

Nanny: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give the elderly woman who's a bossy control freak with family visitations as well as willing to bully and starve a two-year-old girl for being a "chauffeur's daughter" and "wicked little cross-breed." Turns out the spiteful under butler was inadvertently right.

Nanny: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give the elderly woman who’s a bossy control freak with family visitations as well as willing to bully and starve a two-year-old girl for being a “chauffeur’s daughter” and “wicked little cross-breed.” Turns out the spiteful under butler was inadvertently right. Seems like the heir to the estate isn’t thrilled with her either.

Function: In charge of the nursing staff in houses with several nurses. Charged with caring for the household’s children from the time they are born until they’re turned over to a governess or tutor. Duties include washing and dressing children, feeding them, taking them on outings, and putting them to bed. May make the children’s underwear and repair their clothes.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 25 pounds ($2,700) as well as probably sleeps in the nursery or has a room nearby. Can have dinner brought to the nursery or dine with the other servants (Downton’s nanny probably does the former since the others rarely see her.)
Status: Depends on the household. Yet, they’re most likely members of the Senior Staff since they’re only answerable to their charges’ parents. Addressed by last name.
Hours: This is a 24/7 job with very few breaks and might even end when the kids are old enough for school.
Typical Candidate: Well, usually a woman who’s had experience with child care if she’s the head nurse. However, as a nanny she had to be at least a young woman who’s had a child.
Characters who had this job: Well, on Downton Abbey there’s the mean Nanny West of Season 4, who Thomas had fired for bullying and starving Lady Sybil’s daughter Sybbie. Her identity of her successor is unknown, but since the birth of Sybbie and George, this position certainly exists as of Season 4 (yet, the kids don’t really play much of a role anyway).

2. Monthly Nurse
Function: Responsible for looking after a mother and her baby within the first few weeks of birth. Could also take over as midwife and give instructions to first time mothers.
Pay and Benefits: She was usually recommended by the doctor and paid a handsome sum as well as room and board till her time was through.
Status: This was a Casual Staff position.
Hours: This was a 24/7 and only lasted a month.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman who had child herself (and possibly a grandchild). She was typically between the ages of 30-50 years old.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey since it was more of an 18th and 19th century job. Probably should’ve used one with Lady Sybil concerned.

3. Wet Nurse
Function: Responsible for breastfeeding the infants of the house if the mother is unable or chooses not to nurse her child.
Pay and Benefits: Well, other than room and board, this job had a nice compensation since there was significant demand.
Status: Depends. She could be a Member of the Lower Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Nanny or she could be promoted to Nanny.
Hours: This was a 24/7 job since she had to be available on demand.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young woman who’s recently had a child, particularly out of wed lock.
Characters who had this job: This job may or may not exist on Downton Abbey depending on how baby Sybbie was fed in Season 3. I mean, we know that she wasn’t breastfed by her mother. Yet, from the mid-19th century on, this profession fell out of favor in most developed areas except the American South.

4. Governess
Function: Responsible for educating any girls who’d be living on the estate from their childhood to their teenage years or when they’d enter boarding school, finishing school, be introduced to society, or get married. They’d also educate boys as well but only for a short time until they went to a tutor or boarding school. Still, when her job was done, she’d usually remain as a paid companion.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 25 pounds ($2,700) as well as room and board.
Status: It’s hard to say. Though not seen as servants, were certainly treated like them. However, their lives were miserable since family members and servants looked down on them either for coming from a failed family or representing hypocrisy. Existed in a social limbo and ate on her own (maybe this is why Jane Eyre went back to Mr. Rochester).
Hours: This was a 24/7 job since they functioned as teachers and babysitters.
Typical Candidate: An educated genteel unmarried woman who needs to financially support herself.
Characters who had this job: So far, no characters on Downton Abbey have had this job, but when Lady Mary’s son George is old enough there might be. However, outside the show, there are quite a few in fiction and real life. The most famous examples are Jane Eyre, Agnes Grey, Mary Poppins, and Becky Sharpe from Vanity Fair. In the Sherlock Holmes series, Dr. Watson marries one. In real life, you have Maria von Trapp, Annie Sullivan, Anna Leonowens (from The King and I as well as great-aunt to Boris Karloff), and Marie Curie.

5. Tutor
Function: Responsible for providing an education to any of the family’s son on the estate whether it be general or in a specific subject until they either go to a secondary boarding school or university.
Pay and Benefits: Usually more than a governess as well as room and board.
Status: Well, he would be more or less considered to be at the same level as a governess but probably seen as a guy who couldn’t get a teaching job.
Hours: This could be a 24/7 job since he’d basically be a teacher and babysitter. But if it’s in a certain subject, then probably as often as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually an unmarried man trained as a school master but couldn’t get a teaching job or has some particular skill in a subject. Might be from a genteel family or a foreign country.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but once Lady Mary’s son George is old enough, there probably will be one. Then again, he might go to boarding school. Yet, you see tutors a lot in fictional works.

6. Nursery Maid
Function: Supporting the nanny in looking after young children. Often charged with washing diapers, cleaning and maintaining the nursery, maintaining fires, carrying meals and dishes between the nursery and kitchen or scullery, and removing soiled items from sight. Also, attended to the wet nurse if there was one.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 10-15 pounds ($1,100-$1,600) depending on age and ability. May have a bed either near the nursery or in it.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and may either eat in the nursery or in the servants’ hall. Report directly to the Nanny.
Hours: This is a 24/7 job with few breaks that usually ends when the children are old enough for school.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens, many could be 12-14 years old and perhaps even younger than 10. Most nannies probably started out as this.
Characters who had this job: Well, while there hasn’t been anyone at Downton Abbey with this job who’s a character, the estate at least employs a couple of them as far as I’ve seen.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 4-The Maids

Maid: A general female domestic worker whose cheap job at Downton Abbey is to clean the interior rooms, add intrigue to the plot, and either be promoted to a better job or disappear from the show entirely. Seriously, maids don't last very long on this show for some reason.

Maid: A general female domestic worker whose cheap job at Downton Abbey is to clean the interior rooms, add intrigue to the plot, and either be promoted to a better job or disappear from the show entirely once the writers are done with them. Seriously, maids don’t last very long on this show for some reason.

Of course, I couldn’t do a series on Downton Abbey servants without including a post about another very recognizable domestic servant in popular culture: the maid. Now with the exception of Anna, they don’t seem to last long on the show for some reason or another, whether it be getting a job as a secretary, getting knocked up by a major, being threatened to resign for getting into Branson’s pants, or getting to close to the Earl of Grantham, in a creepy non-platonic sense. And if you’re Anna, chances are you’ll hang up that white apron once Lady Mary hires you as a lady’s maid and you become the second Mrs. Bates. Nevertheless, if the script calls for a disposable female domestic worker, I’m sure a maid will fit the bill since they’re basically the Downton Abbey equivalent to Star Trek TOS redshirts (except they don’t usually die). Still, their work amount could vary from household to household. In grand estates, they were under the housekeeper’s supervision and usually charged with cleaning or doing whatever their specialization required them whether they were a chamber maid, house maid, parlor maid, still room maid, storeroom maid, or in between maid. In houses where she’s the only domestic employee, she did everything and her life would be incredibly lonely. Still, they were very prone to unwanted sexual attention sometimes sexual assault. If they got married or pregnant, then they could be out of a job without a great character reference. And in those days, to be unemployed was to be considered a bum, if you were poor. So without further adieu, here are the many kinds of maids you would’ve seen at Downton Abbey.

1. Housekeeper

Housekeeper: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to a no nonsense, sensible, and motherly middle aged Scottish woman lower members usually tell their secrets to (even those they wouldn't tell their own spouses). Isn't afraid of rapists but if you're a maid don't have he catch you having sex or getting into Branson's pants. Should totally get together with the butler, seriously.

Housekeeper: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to a no nonsense, sensible, and motherly middle aged Scottish woman lower members usually tell their secrets to (even those they wouldn’t tell their own spouses). Isn’t afraid of rapists but if you’re a maid don’t have her catch you having sex or getting into Branson’s pants. Should totally get together with the butler, seriously. Though not a maid herself (she used to be one), she’s the boss of them.

Function: Responsible for the female staff (except for the lady’s maid, nurse, and cook) as well as maintaining the house’s furnishings. Could also share responsibilities with the House Manager and Butler in regard to buying provisions, dispensing funds as needed, and keeping household accounts. Second in command of the household staff and immediate representative of the mistress. Charged with the china closet and house linens, preparing bedrooms for visitors and their servants, and the stillroom. Makes rounds replacing supplies like candles, soap, and writing paper. Checks that rooms are clean and in order. Presides over the servants’ hall dinner. Does most of the needlework, arranges dessert, pours coffee and tea, and bottles fruit. Responsibilities vary by household and staff size.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 30-55 pounds ($3,700-$5,400). Has her own room or cottage on the estate depending on marital status.
Status: Reported to mistress of the house and is only answerable to the family. Highest ranked female servant. Is always referred to as “Mrs.” regardless of marital status.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5:30 am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a woman who’s risen through the ranks in the domestic service establishment. Again, this depends on the size of the household staff and estate. However, housekeepers among a large staff is usually not married.
Characters who had this job: Mrs. Elsie Hughes has this job at Downton and does almost everything described above relating to a housekeeper’s duties. Has been working at Downton Abbey almost as long as Carson (though doesn’t remember Lady Mary as a child. Though she might’ve started working there since Mary was a teenager).

2. Head House Maid

Head House Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the woman willing to cover up the boss's daughter's disastrous one night stand with a Turk and clear his valet of murder charges. Will be rewarded with marriage to valet and promotion to lady's maid to the boss's daughter in question.

Head House Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to the woman willing to cover up the boss’s daughter’s disastrous one night stand with a Turk and clear his valet of murder charges (even if his first wife was a total bitch who deserved it). Will be rewarded with marriage to valet and promotion to lady’s maid to the boss’s daughter in question.

Function: The most senior house maid who supervised the maid staff. Usually on estates with at least 3 maids (an estate like Downton Abbey would’ve had at least 4-6 house maids).
Pay and Benefits: Well, annual salary of at least 20 pounds ($2,100) and room and board.
Status: Highest ranking female member of the Lower Staff. Reported directly to the Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Young unmarried woman who’s been on the maid staff for at least some time, perhaps longer than most the maids under her care. Usually in her 20s.
Characters who had this job: Before she became the second Mrs. Bates and Lady Mary’s lady’s maid, Anna had this job during Seasons 1-3. Her successor’s identity is unknown but seeing that Downton has 3 house maids, this job must still exist. Despite being significantly younger than her husband, Anna has worked at Downton much longer and might be the same age as Thomas.

3. Chamber Maid

Chamber Maid: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the woman who seems to be the most likely candidate for the resident Earl's "chamber" metaphorically speaking. Luckily for the Countess, this was more an emotional affair in which this maid was just trying to make a better future for her son through any methods she could.

Chamber Maid: At Downton Abbey, this job goes to the woman who seems to be the most likely candidate for the resident Earl’s “chamber” metaphorically speaking. Luckily for the Countess, this was more an emotional affair in which this maid was just trying to make a better future for her son through any methods she could.

Function: Responsible for cleaning and maintaining bedrooms. Duties include sweeping, dusting, making beds, warming beds, taking care of fires, attending dressing room, fetching hot water, and caring for windows.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20 pounds ($2,100) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Yet, have a slightly higher status than parlor maids since they’re in contact with the family. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens and from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: On Downton Abbey, there’s no distinction between parlor and chamber maids (yet a place like Downton would typically have 2-3 of them).

4. Parlor Maid
Function: Responsible for cleaning and maintaining sitting rooms, drawing rooms and other rooms of public reception. Served refreshments at afternoon tea and sometimes dinner.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 20 pounds a year ($2,100) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Slightly lower than chamber maids since they had less contact with the family. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens and from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: On Downton Abbey, there’s no distinction between parlor and chamber maids (yet a place like Downton would typically have 2-3 of them).

5. Still Room Maid
Function: Employed in the still room as well as responsible for alcohol, cosmetics, medicines, and cooking ingredients across all departments of the house.
Pay and Benefits: At least an annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Cook, Butler, and Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens who demonstrated some skill in distilling and preserving as well as from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey so it’s probably Daisy who has to do such duties as of Season 4.

6. Storeroom Maid
Function: Charged with supporting the housekeeper in maintaining vast stores of linens, foodstuffs, and household supplies.
Pay and Benefits: Well, probably an annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Housekeeper.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens and from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey since it had basically disappeared by the middle of the 19th century.

7. House Maid

House Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to: poor girls with secretarial ambitions, girls who can't keep their pants down for soldiers, war widows who want their kids in prestigious grammar schools, and social climbers who try to find fame and fortune through Branson's trousers.

House Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to: poor girls with secretarial ambitions, girls who can’t keep their pants down for soldiers, war widows who want their kids in prestigious grammar schools, and social climbers who try to find fame and fortune through Branson’s trousers.

Function: A general purpose female worker whose function was chiefly upstairs, usually responsible for dusting, cleaning, making beds, caring for windows, opening windows, washing windows and stairs, lighting fires, polishing fireplaces and fixtures, tending to flower arrangements, emptying chamber pots, and serving tea but duties may vary depending on household and staff size.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of at least 16 pounds a year ($1,700) as well as room and board. Pay may depend on household size, staff size, and designation of responsibilities.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young and unmarried woman at least in her teens and from the lower classes (though she may be even younger in the lower maid orders). Most housekeepers and lady’s maids usually were this before reaching their respective posts.
Characters who had this job: At Downton Abbey, Anna started out with this job in Seasons 1-3 and I guess that O’Brien, Baxter, and Mrs. Hughes worked as one before the show even started. Other notable house maids include Gwen Dawson from Season 1, Ethel Parks and Jane Moorsum from Season 2, and Edna Braithwaite from Season 3. While house maids don’t usually play a big part on the show, Downton Abbey usually has at least 3-6 of them (an estate like Downton would usually have 4-6), or as many as the plot allows.

8. Between Maid
Function: Responsible for waiting, setting the table, removing dishes, and serving meals for the servants. Worked in the house or kitchen as needed. Tidied libraries, studies, and (with footmen) answered bells for service. May even wait on the most senior staff in larger households.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and roughly equal to scullery maid. Reported to Housekeeper, Butler, and Cook. If these there didn’t like one another, her job was a difficult one. This was one of the lowest rungs in the maid world.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5am to 10pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried girl between the ages of 12-16.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey or at least in name yet, an estate that size would at least have 2-3.

9. Maid of All Work

Maid of All Work: At Crawley House, this is the job you give a former Downton Abbey maid who was fired for banging a major and was forced into prostitution to support her son before the kid's handed to his paternal grandparents. Her mere presence will just make the longtime cook you've had quit. Is a terrible cook herself.

Maid of All Work: At Crawley House, this is the job you give a former Downton Abbey maid who was fired for banging a major and was forced into prostitution to support her son before the kid’s handed to his paternal grandparents. Her mere presence will just make the longtime cook you’ve had quit. Is a terrible cook herself.

Function: General domestic worker responsible for all the housework for a household that employed only one servant. Duties depended on the household.
Pay and Benefits: At least room and board but salary depended on the household she worked for.
Status: She isn’t of the servant hierarchy because she’s usually the only worker in the household. However, this was probably the nadir position in the maid world and one of the least desirable.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman at least in her teens and rather inexperienced. Often someone “rescued” from the workhouse.
Characters who had this job: Ethel Parks tries to be this to Isobel Crawley in Season 3 but fails since she’s a bad cook. It’s also implied that she’s sought another position at a house near where her son lives.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 3-The Kitchen

Kitchen: At Downton Abbey, this is where the food is prepared and  a lot of the downstairs drama takes place, other than in the Servant's Hall, naturally

Kitchen: At Downton Abbey, this is where the food is prepared and a lot of the downstairs drama takes place, other than in the Servant’s Hall, naturally. Serves 8 hot meals a day, which seems a bit much even by Hobbit standards.

On a large British grand estate like Downton Abbey, the kitchen is probably one of the busier rooms since it’s where all the food is prepared before arriving to the dining room to serve. As we see on Downton Abbey, you can guess that the Crawleys entertain a lot, especially during special occasions like banquets, balls, parties, weddings, holidays, or when guests arrive. And when visitors and house guests arrive, you can expect Mrs. Patmore and her kitchen staff working into overdrive just to provide the most impressive and delicious meals consisting of at least a dinner with 3 courses or more. Nevertheless, since it was a room for food preparation, it was a servant domain located either in the basement or ground floor. And before the advent of the Servant Halls and Quarters, it was where they ate, socialized, spent their free time, or sometimes even slept. But while the kitchen staff at Downton have the luxuries of tiled floors, closed gas stoves, electricity, indoor plumbing, cupboards, and other industrial conveniences, this wouldn’t have been the case if Downton Abbey took place at a time before the Industrial Revolution. In Colonial America, kitchens were either built in the back of the house or as separate buildings due to the obvious fire hazards (at a time when kitchen fires were very common, by the way). And in Tudor times, let’s just say you’d want to stay the hell out of any of their estate kitchens since it was a dirty, hot, dangerous, and miserable place in which food took hours to cook over an open fire. It also wasn’t unusual for the kitchen staff at Henry VIII’s Hampton Court to cook in the nude on many occasions just to cool off, which probably isn’t something you’d see on The Tudors for obvious reasons. And it probably didn’t help that he had to have six lavish weddings either. Nevertheless, without further adieu, I bring you a list of servants you might’ve seen on a large grand estate like Downton Abbey.

1. Clerk of the Kitchen
Function: Responsible for supervising the kitchen, including the work of the female cook and her subordinates. Ordered table provisions, negotiated with the green grocer, baker, and butcher. Disbursed funds allocated by house steward for payment of provisions to tradesmen for their services. Guardian of the pantry. Ensured meals were served on time and properly prepared this type of food preparation. Sometimes the chef held this position.
Pay and Benefits: Well, higher than most of the kitchen staff but salary depended on size of the household. Yet, he did have his own quarters.
Status: Well, at least Senior Servants.
Hours: Works a daily schedule on the estate from at least dawn to dusk.
Typical Candidate: Must be male and have a certain amount of experience in management and the kitchen.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey yet, this is more of an 18th century job anyway. However, Mrs. Patmore does most of this positions duties herself though Mrs. Hughes has the key to the pantry.

2. Chef/Man-Cook

Chef/Man-Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is the job a lady's maid's nephew aspires to be even though he's just a second footman. Still, gets his chance to train at the Ritz Hotel through hard work and sheer luck in Season 4.

Chef/Man-Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is the job a lady’s maid’s nephew aspires to be even though he’s just a second footman. Still, gets his chance to train at the Ritz Hotel through hard work and sheer luck in Season 4.

Function: In charge of kitchen staff and responsible for preparing the family’s meals and the kitchen staff.
Pay and Benefits: Varies considerably depending on the household and the male cook’s prestige (a famous chef for the royal family could be paid as much as 300 pounds {$32,000}). Always paid more than female cooks though. Had his own room or cottage depending on marital status or level of expertise.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff though rank below Butler and Housekeeper if present. Ate in the kitchen.
Hours: From early morning until evening with free time in the afternoon save on special dinners.
Typical Candidate: Well, from the 19th century onwards, most male cooks had to be familiar with French cuisine. Yet, whenever the cook is male, French guys are usually preferred (at least in Great Britain).
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey (since male cooks weren’t employed on estates at the time unless they were chefs). However, Alfred Nugent does leave Downton to train as one in Season 4.

3. Cook

Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is the person responsible for cooking all the food and supervising the kitchen. This job goes to a cantankerous and no nonsense middle-aged woman who rules her kitchen with an iron rod and quick tongue. But she can make anyone with a strong anti-British culinary prejudice enjoy English food. Doesn't permit profanity unless she's doing the swearing. Also takes a lot of frustrations on her staff. Hey, what do you expect from someone who has to cook 8 hot meals a day?

Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is the person responsible for cooking all the food and supervising the kitchen. This job goes to a cantankerous and no nonsense middle-aged woman who rules her kitchen with an iron rod and quick tongue. But she can make anyone with a strong anti-British culinary prejudice enjoy English food. Yet, she’s utterly hopeless with the electric mixer. Doesn’t permit profanity unless she’s doing the swearing. Hates makeup. Also takes a lot of frustrations on her staff she treats as her own children. Hey, what do you expect from someone who has to cook 8 hot meals a day?

Function: Responsible for preparing meals and in charge of the kitchen staff. Charged with making a menu for lunch and dinner as well as orders tradespeople to serve the house while in town. Makes soup for the following day as well as that day’s pastry, jellies, creams, and entrees, all in the morning. Also has to lock doors and windows to the basement, let the kitchen fire burn low, to turn off the gas in the kitchen and hallways before going to bed. Other responsibilities depend on size of household staff.
Pay and Benefits: In a modest home, she could be paid as little as 30 pounds ($3,200) and at most more than the butler yet rank below him. Also has her own room or cottage on the estate depending on marital status.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff. Addressed as “Mrs.” regardless of marital status if female. Ranks at least below the Butler and Housekeeper and above everyone else. Is only answerable to the family. However, if female, isn’t as prestigious as a male cook though but in rank, she was second only to the housekeeper among the female staff. Ate in the kitchen.
Hours: From early morning to late at night after dinner. Always has breakfast first before proceeding to make it for everyone else. Usually free in the afternoon save for special occasions like a dinner party or guests.
Typical Candidate: If female, she’s usually a woman who’s risen through the ranks after starting as a kitchen maid. Sought after for her sophisticated and practical knowledge.
Characters who had this job: Mrs. Beryl Patmore has this job at Downton Abbey and does about everything described above. She’s well known for her craft as well as worked at Downton for over 20 years as of Season 4. Still, she’s also known for her temper, but this is typical for most cooks at the time.

4. Confectioner
Function: Responsible with preparing candies and other confections for the estate during large dinners. Also, helps preserve foodstuffs and other ingredients.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure anyone working in this position would’ve gotten a nice compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff. Addressed by last name and reported to Cook. Dined with kitchen staff.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually someone who’s been trained and possesses knowledge pertaining to making confections and food preservation.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey but probably does on grander estates.

5. Baker
Function: Responsible for preparing and making bread and other baked goods.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure anyone in this position would receive a nice compensation as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by first name, and reported to Cook. Dined with kitchen staff.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually someone who’s been trained in a bake shop for a certain number of years.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but probably does on grander estates.

6. Pastry Cook
Function: Responsible for preparing the pastry dishes and baked goods for the family during a large banquet on special occasions.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure a person in this position received a great compensation with room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff. Addressed by last name. Reported to Cook and dined with kitchen staff.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually someone who’s been trained and possesses a wide range of knowledge regarding pastries and other baked delights. Could be either gender.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but it probably does on grander estates.

7. Undercook or Assistant Cook

Undercook or Assistant Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you give to a young woman who's complained about being a lowly scullery/kitchen maid for a good 8 years without being promoted. Also, had to go through a deathbed marriage with a dying soldier who once served as the second footman. Though she may someday get to run her father-in-law's farm.

Undercook or Assistant Cook: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you give to a young woman who’s complained about being a lowly scullery/kitchen maid for a good 8 years without being promoted. Also, had to go through a deathbed marriage with a dying soldier who once served as the second footman. Though she may someday get to run her father-in-law’s farm.

Function: Apprentice to the cook or chef. Prepares meals for the staff. In larger households, she was the head kitchen maid as well as was responsible for much of the plain cooking.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported directly to Cook and ate in the kitchen.
Hours: Usually early morning to late at night. Sort of the same as the cook.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young woman who’s had experience as a kitchen maid as well as quite skilled.
Characters who had this job: Daisy Mason is promoted to Assistant Cook after serving as a kitchen maid at Downton Abbey for 8 years in by Season 3 and she managed that mostly by complaining. Yet, she’s also known as a good cook though.

8.  Kitchen Maid

Kitchen Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job an aspiring Assistant Cook wants filled so badly unless it's by a girl who steals  the heart of the footman of her affections. Likes to attract guys but isn't interested in anything serious. Will take the first promotion opportunity she could get, even if it means leaving the country.

Kitchen Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is the job an aspiring Assistant Cook wants filled so badly unless it’s by a girl who steals the heart of the footman of her affections. Likes to attract guys but isn’t interested in anything serious. Will take the first promotion opportunity she could get, even if it means leaving the country.

Function: Basically her job was to assist the cook in preparing the meals and overseeing everything in the kitchen such as cleanliness, efficiency, and food preparation. Also answered to dining table demands on a daily basis. In smaller households, they can prepare vegetables, game, and poultry, do dairy work, and bake bread. If there was no still room made, they also made cakes for lunch, tea, and dessert as well as rolls for breakfast.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds a year as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Cook and ate in the kitchen.
Hours: Usually from early morning to late at night. Same as the cook.
Typical Candidate: Usually an unmarried young woman at least in her teens though often very skilled or having ambition to be so.
Characters who had this job: Daisy starts out with this job at Downton Abbey in Seasons 1-3. By Season 3, she’s worked as a kitchen maid for 8 years (yet, an estate like Downton would certainly have at least 2-3). Ivy Stuart has this in Seasons 3-4, but since she left to be Harold Levinson’s cook in Season 4, this position is vacant.

9. Dairy Maid
Function: Responsible for churning butter, milking cows, transporting milk, as well as preparing creams and cheeses.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 15 pounds a year ($1,600) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and addressed by first name. Reported to Cook.
Hours: Usually from sunrise to late at night as far as I know.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young woman at least in her teens who had some general knowledge on dairy products (like someone who grew up on a dairy farm).
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey as far as I can tell. In fact, due to large scale dairy farming, this job might’ve become obsolete by the 20th century. Mrs. Patmore probably just got her dairy products from the open market. Still, they’re best known for inadvertently helping Edward Jenner develop the small pox vaccine (since the cowpox made them immune from the virus) but this was in the 18th century.

10. Scullery Maid

Scullery Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you'd give to an impressionable teenage girl with a crush on the resident asshole who witnesses the boss's wife, daughter, and Head House Maid carry a dead Turk out of the daughter's bedroom in the middle of the night. Gives rise to the Kemal Pamuk scandal.

Scullery Maid: At Downton Abbey, this is a job you’d give to an impressionable teenage girl with a crush on the resident asshole who witnesses the boss’s wife, daughter, and Head House Maid carry a dead Turk out of the daughter’s bedroom in the middle of the night. Gives rise to the Kemal Pamuk scandal. Best girl to have dying soldier marry.

Function: Responsible for cleaning and scouring the pots and pans as well as cooking utensils and stoves. She also cleaned vegetables, scrubbed scales off fish, plucked poultry, provided hot water for the house, lit fires to heat water, and cleaned away garbage and debris off floor. Duties included cleaning the servants’ hall, scullery, larders, and kitchen hallways. Might’ve cleaned and emptied chamber pots as well as assisted in watching or cooking food. Other responsibilities may vary depending on size of staff and household.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 13 pounds ($1,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff as well as often the lowest ranked female servant in the household. She wasn’t allowed to touch any luxuries like the china, silver, or glass. Reported to Cook and ate in the kitchen.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5:00 am to 10:000pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a teenage girl between 10-16 years old and maybe even younger as well as from the lower classes.
Characters who had this job: This job does not really exist on Downton Abbey, yet Daisy and Ivy Stuart fulfill duties of both this and the Kitchen Maid (an estate like Downton would’ve employed at least 2-3 of them).

11. Provision Boy
Function: Assisted the kitchen in fetching supplies.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of Lowest Staff and possibly among the lowest positions. Addressed by first name. Reported to Cook and dined in kitchen.
Hours: Worked from early in the morning to late at night.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy who could be as young as 10, maybe even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 2-The Butler’s Pantry

Butler: At Downton Abbey, this is the guy who's in charge of the household staff as well as the post you assume on an estate after a failed showbiz career and a relationship in which your girlfriend dumped you for your Vaudeville partner. Though fatherly and stiff, can be quite amusing when trying to hopelessly interact with new technology like a phonograph or a telephone.

Butler: At Downton Abbey, this is the guy who’s in charge of the household staff as well as the post you assume on an estate after a failed showbiz career and a relationship in which your girlfriend dumped you for your Vaudeville partner. Though fatherly and stiff with a rigid code of conduct, can be quite amusing when trying to hopelessly interact with new technology like a phonograph or a telephone. Yet, suggest that a maid serve a duke in the dining room and he’ll think society collapse is inevitable.

The role of the butler is one of the more recognizable jobs in a Great House or a large estate and Downton Abbey is no exception. On Downton Abbey (and in most media in general), he’s seen as head of the household staff and sometimes attends to his every master’s need (though this is more of valet’s job description, which I’ll get to later). On one end, he can be well dressed, unfailingly polite, devoted to his employer despite being more level headed and smarter than his boss. On the other end, he could be a manipulative schemer who could kill his boss during a dinner party. However, while we usually see the Butler as the most senior employee nowadays, this wasn’t always the case in history and could sometimes depend on the household. In fact, the butler’s original purpose was to look after the wine in the cellar and was of middle rank yet later this included cheese, bread, and other basic provisions sometimes known as the butler’s pantry. Yet, from the 17th to 19th centuries, his stature slowly rose even though sometimes, he wasn’t always the servant in charge and could be outranked whether it be by the valet or Groom of the Chambers. But nevertheless, the liveried butler is still the most familiar intermediary between the upstairs world and the downstairs staff. So without further adieu, here are the jobs relating to the Butler and his retinue from the Butler’s Pantry.

1. Groom of the Chambers
Function: Responsible for announcing company, answering bells, making sure the principal seeing rooms are in proper order as well as supplied with pens, ink, candles, and paper. Also assist in decorating such as flower displays, making sure card tables have cards, and sees that rooms are in proper order. Keeps a book of invitations given to his employers to remind of their engagements as well as arranges invitations for special events. Sees that guests are properly attended. Supervised servants and specialized in furniture maintenance.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure he receives a generous sum of money as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff, addressed by last name, and reported to the master or House Steward. May even outrank the butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5:00am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who spent considerable time as a footman, butler, or other member of the male staff with leadership skills.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey but it’s likely that the estate might’ve had one. Then again, Carson performs a lot of this job’s duties anyway and might’ve went obsolete in the late 19th century.

2. Butler
Function: Highest official servant and responsible for running the house and from the 19th century onward assumed the House Manager’s responsibilities. Charged with supervising the footmen, the plate chest (making sure it’s properly cleaned before use), and affairs relating to any alcohol purchased and consumed by the household (such as keeping accounts, decanting it for lunch and dinner, and putting it away after every meal). Can even bottle wine and brew beer. Takes over valet’s duty when there’s not one in the household. Announces visitors during afternoon hours, readies rooms for use every day, as well as tidies them. Also, polishes the silver and keeps it in pristine condition. Responsibilities depend on the size of the establishment.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 40-60 pounds ($4,300-$6,400). Also receives gratuity money from vendors selling goods to maintain the house. Has his own room on the estate or a cottage if married.
Status: Highest ranking of an official servant and is only answerable to the family.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5am-10pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a seasoned male veteran of the domestic service establishment who’s risen through the ranks over his career. Most butlers usually served many other positions while in the same house.
Characters who had this job: Mr. Charles Carson is Downton Abbey’s resident butler and does possibly everything described above except make alcohol and take over the valet’s duties (which Thomas does). Not surprisingly, he’s been working at Downton longer than any of the other staff or at least as early as the 1890s before the Crawley girls were born (then again, he may have been a servant before his career in Vaudeville).

3. Under Butler

Under Butler: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to the estate's resident scheming asshole after he's caught sexually assaulting a footman in his bedroom. Sure he's worked as a footman for over 10 years, served as NCO in the war, and has experience as a valet. But, really, that incident could've landed him jail, let alone get him fired.

Under Butler: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to the estate’s resident scheming asshole after he’s caught sexually assaulting a footman in his bedroom. Sure he’s worked as a footman for over 10 years, served as NCO in the war, and has experience as a valet. But, really, that incident could’ve landed him jail, let alone get him fired. Talk about giving a promotion to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Function: Shares many of the butler’s duties but is only second to him among the male staff as well as takes control of staff when butler’s away. Also, takes over as a footman during special occasions. Responsibilities may vary according to household. Though not all estates have this position.
Pay and Benefits: Well, less than the butler as well as housekeeper and his own room or cottage at the estate depending on his marital status.
Status: Member of the Upper Staff and only answerable to the Butler. Addressed by last name.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5am-10pm.
Typical Candidate: Again, a male veteran of the domestic service who’s worked for the household for quite some time to rise through the ranks.
Characters who had this job: Thomas Barrow has had this job at Downton Abbey since Season 3 (after an incident that would’ve gotten him jailed, let alone fired in real life. Then again, his homosexuality has been an open secret at Downton anyway. However, since he’s the resident baddie {especially after O’Brien left}, his position at Downton is relatively secure unless Rob James-Collier wants off the show). Nevertheless, Thomas has been working at Downton for over a decade.

4. First Footman

First Footman: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to the handsome footman who's kind of a prick not above hazing his competition. Though this job may not get him laid by the kitchen maid who has a crush on him, it may make him prone to some awkward moments of unwanted sexual  attention.

First Footman: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to the handsome footman who’s kind of a prick not above hazing his competition. Though this job may not get him laid by the kitchen maid who has a crush on him, it may make him prone to some awkward moments of unwanted sexual attention. Also has a former boss who won’t leave him alone.

Function: Next in line to replace butler (unless there’s an under butler in the household staff), with his main job to be tall, handsome, and to represent the estate’s grandeur. Aside from regular footman duties, he accompanied the lady of the house on shopping trips, served the family meals, and assisted the butler.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 30 pounds a year ($3,200) as well as room and board (though he typically had to share one). However, like most footmen, the taller and handsomer he was (or the more similar he resembled the second footman), the more he got paid. Could be supplemented by 5-15 pounds annually ($500-$1,500) in tips and other gifts from the lady of the house.
Status: Highest ranking member of the Lower Staff. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually the footman who’s spent either the longest time at the estate. If not, then hotness and height.
Characters who had this job: Thomas Barrow starts out as the first footman in Seasons 1 and 3 until his promotion to under butler. Onwards, it’s been Jimmy Kent as of Season 4.

5. Second Footman

Second Footman: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to a military age guy who's not the resident asshole or romantically pursuing the boss's daughter. Mainly exists as a nice guy to get killed off in WWI during Season 2. Because we all know that someone at Downton had to get it.

Second Footman: At Downton Abbey this is the job you give to a military age guy who’s not the resident asshole or romantically pursuing the boss’s daughter. Mainly exists as a nice guy to get killed off in WWI during Season 2, dying peacefully after his rushed death bed wedding with the kitchen maid. Because we all know that someone at Downton had to get it.

Function: Similar to the first footman but in an apprenticeship capacity.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 25 pounds ($2,700) but can depend on hotness, height, and resemblance to the first footman, as well as having to share a room.
Status: Member of Lower Staff. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually the footman who’s spent a long time on at the estate. Yet, if he bore a resemblance to the first footman or was reasonably hot or tall, it was even better.
Characters who had this job: William Mason was Downton Abbey’s second footman until he joined the army in Season 2 (yet was killed in WWI so didn’t return to his post. However, since he, Thomas, and Branson were the only servants of military age on the estate, his death was no surprise.) And from Season 3 to the time he left for culinary school in London, Alfred Nugent served this post (of course, he was hired as a footman only because he was O’Brien’s nephew but he probably would’ve just gotten to work as one at Downton due to being 6’4” alone). Since then, it’s been Joseph Molesley (who probably got in since he was Matthew’s valet and aching for a job) as of Season 4.

6. Footman

Footman: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to men that are: complete assholes, kind-hearted cannon fodder, culinary aspiring nephews of lady's maids, guys fleeing the unwanted attentions of a female boss, and ex-valets desperate for employment after their boss suddenly died in a car accident on the way home from the hospital.

Footman: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give to men that are: complete assholes, kind-hearted cannon fodder, culinary aspiring nephews of lady’s maids, guys fleeing the unwanted attentions of a female boss, and ex-valets desperate for employment after their boss suddenly died in a car accident on the way home from the hospital.

Function: Male staff part of the butler’s pantry department. Usual duties include laying the table, answering the door, waiting at the table, receiving and carrying packages and mail, and accompanying the family while traveling on foot, carriage, or car. Also looked after male guests who came without a valet. May even carry heavy items and move furniture for the house maids. Their roles were similar to waiters, bodyguards, busboys, and escorts.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of at least 20 pounds ($2,100) as well as room and board. Pay also depended on the footman’s looks such as height and hotness since they were meant to be seen by family and guests. A footman over 5’10” could earn as much as 40 pounds a year (which may be over $3,500), (Alfred could’ve earned this much money).
Status: Member of the Lower Staff. However, since they were hired to be seen, the notion of a handsome footman was the 19th century equivalent of the hot pool boy. And yes, affairs between footmen and their mistresses did occur. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler. Have expensive livery uniforms, refined mannerisms, and general appearance. Still, an estate like Downton Abbey usually had 4 of them.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Well, must be an unmarried young man of great height and reasonably hot. Most were in their late teens and 20s (Moseley would’ve not been hired as a footman in real life since he’s balding and may be over 30. Yet, was made one nevertheless to keep him on the show. Yet, despite Alfred’s not being a servant before, he certainly would since he’s 6’4” tall {even if he wasn’t O’Brien’s nephew}.) Butlers usually had this position before rising to their current position.
Characters who had this job: Let’s see for there’s quite a list of footmen at Downton Abbey. Well, Season 1 has Thomas Barrow (until Season 3) and William Mason while Season 3 has Alfred Nugent and Jimmy Kent. However, since Thomas’ promotion and Alfred’s departure, it’s been Jimmy Kent and Joseph Moseley as of Season 4. Also, Carson was most likely a footman while the Crawley girls were young.

7. Page or Tea Boy
Function: Apprentice footman responsible for attending a person of distinction as well as guests. May have even served other servants in the Servants’ Hall.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 8-16 pounds ($860-$1,700) depending on age, appearance, height, and abilities.
Status: Member of Lower Staff and addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between 10-16 years old from the lower classes as well as shows higher ambition. A lot of footman started out this way.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist on Downton Abbey but I’m sure someone like Thomas Barrow and Carson worked as one for a time.

8. Hall Boy
Function: Assistant to the lowest footman who takes cards in the hall, polishes shoes and boots of visitors, and empties chamber pots.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 13 pounds ($1,300) as well as room and board.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and one of lowest male servant ranks. Addressed by first name.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a boy between 10-16 years old and from the lower classes. Many footmen, valets, and butlers started out this way.
Characters who had this job: Well, this job may or may not exist on Downton Abbey but it’s likely that men like Thomas Barrow and Carson might have worked as one.

9. Pantry Boy
Function: Responsible for maintaining the pantry as far as I know.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and one of the lowest ranked male servants. Reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 6:00am-11:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young boy or a teenager at least 10, maybe even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey. However, outside the show and in real life, this the job real life butler Eugene Allen started out with during his long career at the White House. So this job definitely existed somewhere.

10. Boot Boy
Function: Responsible for cleaning, polishing, and caring for the household members’ boots and shoes as well as other odd jobs.
Pay and Benefits: Besides room and board, not much pay.
Status: Member of the Lower Staff and lowest ranking male servant. Addressed by first name and reported to Butler.
Hours: Worked 7 days a week from 5:00am-10:00pm.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young boy or teenager. May be as young as 10 or even younger.
Characters who had this job: This job may or may not exist at Downton Abbey. Yet, these boys weren’t meant to be seen.

The Domestic Servants of Downton Abbey: Part 1-The Professionals

Estate Manager: On Downton, this is the job you give the Irish chauffeur after he's managed to procreate with the boss's daughter who's died in childbirth.

Estate Manager: At Downton Abbey, this is the job you give the Irish chauffeur after he’s managed to marry and procreate with the boss’s daughter who’s died in childbirth from eclampsia. Yet, despite not having a college education and being an Irish Nationalist and self-professed Anarcho-Socialist involved with terrorism, he’s perfect for the job because he’s grown up on a farm and is the father of the boss’s granddaughter by his dead daughter.  Oh, and I’m sure the boss will forgive him for leaving his pregnant wife in Ireland while on the lam, supporting the Russian Revolution, and blowing up a castle.

The British show Downton Abbey is a hit period drama (or soap opera) in both the UK and the US which tells the story of a great house during the early 20th century which kicks off when two of the male heirs of Downton and to the Earl of Grantham died aboard the R. M. S. Titanic and since the Earl only has daughters, the next in line is a lawyer in Manchester who the Granthams hadn’t met until the second episode. The show is now in its fifth season which airs on PBS during the months of January and February in the United States. Since my series on the real people from HBO’s Boardwalk Empire has met great success (I’m still getting hits on the posts since September) I figured I could do a similar series pertaining to Downton Abbey as well. However, I couldn’t do a series on the real people of Downton Abbey because there’s barely any, which would take a very small post (and most of these people appear in Season 4). Instead, I decided to do a series on an aspect the show revolves around: the servants.

For a long time in Great Britain, domestic service was a big industry, especially in the 19th century where servants were employed by almost every family that could afford one. In the 1850s it’s said that 1 in 3 women between the ages of 15-25 were servants while the other 1 in 3 were prostitutes. By 1900, British domestic servants amounted to 1.5 million of the country’s population of 36 million. Of course, unlike what you’d see from Downton Abbey and in other media portrayals, the relationship between master and servant wasn’t always of mutual respect between social boundaries. And it would be more fair to say they were treated more like appliances than people. Not only that, but servants’ lives could actually be quite miserable, degrading, exhausting, and thankless work. Some people could be forced to surrender their identities for a matching hair style and a generic name. Not to mention, servants could often be targets of abuse and could be fired for getting married, pregnant, or other reasons. Many of them worked 17 hour days for a pittance wage but the competition was fierce since servants had a roof over their heads and regular meals. Not to mention, there were worse situations to be in at the time such as in a factory or on the streets. Still, when it came to employment options a servant would rather work in a great house like Downton than a small one (which would’ve had a staff much bigger than on the show). At least working at a grand house would mean not doing as many chores and meeting people. And as far as loyalty goes, it wasn’t unusual for a employers to hire 32 maids in 34 years. However, despite the romanticized picture Downton Abbey gives, there was much more separation between the lives upstairs and downstairs and a lot of times the people downstairs didn’t have it so great (and at times their lives could totally suck since their employers couldn’t be held accountable if their bosses did anything horrible to them). Yet, what the show does get right is that servants did have their own hierarchies and were a great part to the grand house economy on the estate. Of course, I should remind you that not all the servant jobs I feature in my post pertains to the time of Downton Abbey or even the 19th century in that matter either.

In this first post, I’ll cover a group of those who worked on the estate or the Great House but weren’t actually designated “servants” since they didn’t reside in the house or at times didn’t work directly under the master and his family. Rather many of them have the designation as, “professional” employee since many of them had some degree of education and skill, yet may or may not work when called upon. Some of them may have their own house on the estate while others may just be looking for a place to apply their skills or live elsewhere. Yet, compared to most of the servants you’d see, they’re usually treated better, have much more independence or power, work shorter hours, and are more likely to be better paid. Not to mention, they don’t really belong in the other categories you’ll see later. So for your pleasure, here’s a list of jobs you’d see from an English estate under the designation of, “professional.”

1. Chamberlain
Function: Charged with the management of the living quarters of a sovereign or member of the nobility. May be in charge of receiving and distributing funds.
Pay and Benefits: Well, this is a job that allows for generous compensation as well as a private house on the estate. May have servants of his own.
Status: Highest steward of the servant hierarchy and regarded as a professional employee. Is answerable only to the master.
Hours: Depends on their duties during a specific era. Medieval chamberlains had the longest hours and most duties compared to their later successors.
Typical Candidate: Usually a member of the nobility or the royal court, particularly lower than the person they’re serving.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t really exist on Downton Abbey, except maybe in the King’s household with Lord Chamberlain.

2. Land Steward or Estate Manager
Function: Responsible for managing the farms, collecting rents, and undertaking all those activities associated with making the estate profitable. Other duties include leasing farms, surveying the property, settling disputes over land and farming, and detailing records of such affairs. When master isn’t present, usually supervised cultivation of land, lending his ear to tenant farmers and the sophistication of agricultural practices. Communicated with lawyers, family members, architects, suppliers, and tenants as well as saw to processing every aspect for the family and its affairs.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 100-300 pounds ($11,000-$33,000) and a private house on the estate.
Status: Regarded as a professional employee with a status higher than the family lawyer. Is answerable only to the master.
Hours: Usually a regular work day with a flexible schedule or as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a highly educated gentleman. Lawyers preferred, especially those who have a financial and managerial background.
Characters who had this job: The Earl of Grantham and his family had Jarvis who served the estate from 1880 to 1920 until Downton Abbey was struck with financial disaster in Season 3. Since then, it’s been shared by Matthew Crawley and Tom Branson (since he grew up on a farm). Yet, after Matthew’s sudden death during the Christmas Special, it’s just been Branson.

3. House Steward or House Manager
Function: Responsible for all purchasing, hiring, firing, and paying the servant staff. Engages with the male and female servants except the family, lady’s maid, nurses, and valet. Orders goods, pays bills, and keeps books. May also act as the Land Steward as well. Usually submits books to the master for review on a monthly basis. Basically the chief servant and the estate’s accountant.
Pay and Benefits: Annual salary of 50-100 pounds ($5,500-$11,000). May have his own private house on the estate with its own sitting room.
Status: Regarded as a professional employee but he’d be the chief male domestic servant in a household. Reports to the master and does not wear a livery.
Hours: Works on a daily schedule on the estate.
Typical Candidate: Must be male as well as a certain amount of education in finance and management. Usually lower born than the Land Manager.
Characters who had this job: Downton Abbey doesn’t really have this job since the House Manager is usually employed in larger households where the accounts are too extensive for the Housekeeper to manage. However, in the show, the House Manager’s duties are usually split between Carson and Mrs. Hughes.

4. Bailiff
Function: Either a free agent or employed under the Estate Manager. Manages the farm on his master’s country estate, buys cattle and horses for the plow, and is responsible for husbandry, the breeding and raising of livestock of the estate. May assist the Estate Manager in tenant and leased land issues as well as other administrative duties. Occasionally may assist in the dining room.
Pay and Benefits: Well, may have his own house as well as a generous annual salary.
Status: Well, as far as the grounds goes, he may be either professional or servant. If servant may be Upper Staff but not share in the privileges.
Hours: Typical working hours, save maybe special occasions.
Typical Candidate: Usually a reasonably educated man, preferably someone who’s grown up on a farm.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t really exist on Downton Abbey though Tom Branson usually fulfills many of the duties (he grew up on a farm).

5. Family Lawyer

Family Lawyer: At Downton, this job doesn't just pertain to legal consultation or representing the family on legal matters. Not only is he the go to guy when someone needs to get out of a jam but he also exists to explain the complicated legislation driving some of the plots.

Family Lawyer: At Downton, this job doesn’t just pertain to legal consultation or representing the family on legal matters. Not only is he the go to guy when someone needs to get out of a jam but he also exists to explain the complicated legislation driving some of the plots.

Function: Assists the family with legal matters and represents them in a court of law as well as in legal transactions. Serves executor of the will and is the first one called if a family member is facing legal trouble.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure lawyers in those days didn’t come cheap, especially those who served wealthy families.
Status: Regarded as a professional and didn’t live with the family unless he was related to them.
Hours: Came to the family as often as needed but tend to have a regular work schedule.
Typical Candidate: Usually a highly educated man from the upper or middle classes. May be part of a firm or the family even.
Characters who had this job: George Murray, QC has this job at Downton Abbey and he usually exists to explain the complicated legislation that drives the show’s plot. Tends to give sound financial advice, even if Lord Robert ignores it.

6. Librarian
Function: Basically responsible for things most librarians are such as managing the books in the estate library as well as family records and archives. Keeps a catalog of books, manuscripts, documents, and other pieces of information.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure the librarian got a fair compensation as well as their own private house on the estate.
Status: Considered a professional and not a servant. Addressed by last name.
Hours: Regular working hours.
Typical Candidate: Usually someone from the educated middle classes with at least a college education. Could be male or female but if the latter, she was usually single.
Characters who had this job: An off-screen character named Mr. Parkison has this job on Downton Abbey as of Season 4.

7.  Secretary
Function: Personal assistant providing a variety a clerical functions such as dictation, correspondence, typing out documents, organizing, and maintaining files. May also handle bookkeeping operations, greet visitors, and make travel arrangements.
Pay and Benefits: I’m sure they received a generous compensation.
Status: Considered a professional, addressed by last name, and reported to the master.
Hours: Regular working hours or as needed.
Typical Candidate: Usually a young unmarried woman or man with some experience in clerical skills.
Characters who had this job: This job may or may not exist on Downton Abbey. However in Season 1, Gwen Dawson trains to be and becomes one for a telephone company.

8. Journeyman
Function: A craftsman who’s completed his apprenticeship but isn’t yet a master. Responsibilities may include repair of furnishings or specialist cleaning.
Pay and Benefits: Depending on the journeyman’s fee or trade.
Status: Considered Casual Staff since they don’t live on the estate.
Hours: Called on as often as needed or if they’re passing through.
Typical Candidate: Usually a man who’s completed his apprenticeship but isn’t a master.
Characters who had this job: This job doesn’t exist at Downton Abbey for many of the skilled trade jobs fell by the wayside during the Industrial Revolution.

9. Tenant Farmer

Tenant Farmer: At Downton this is a job you give to guy who's family has lived on your estate since the Napoleonic Wars, is suited for agriculture and animal husbandry, and needs to repay the boss a debt inherited from his dead father. Basically a guy who agrees to farm your land to spare you from labor and that he owes money to you. Also, willing to tend to pigs and secretly take care of any illegitimate aristocratic children.

Tenant Farmer: At Downton this is a job you give to guy who’s family has lived on your estate since the Napoleonic Wars, is suited for agriculture and animal husbandry, and needs to repay the boss a debt inherited from his dead father. Basically a guy who agrees to farm your land to spare you from labor and that he owes money to you. Also, willing to tend to pigs and secretly raise any illegitimate aristocratic children.

Function: Tending to the livestock and crops on the estate’s lands as well as paying rent in exchange for a home and compensation.
Pay and Benefits: Well, they rented land they had a private house on as well as some compensation for what they provide to the estate.
Status: Well, they were renters and partly beneficiaries so they weren’t considered servants in the usual sense. Reported to the master or estate manager.
Hours: Worked from sunrise to sundown, especially during the spring through autumn.
Typical Candidate: Usually men from tenant families who’ve resided on the estate for generations.
Characters who had this job: Downton Abbey has a lot of tenant farmers on the estate, but only a man named Timothy Drewe is named from Season 4. His family has been tenants at Downton since the reign of King George III. Has a wife and 3 sons and is in charge of the pig sty.

Touchdown with These Super Bowl Sunday Party Treats

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So Christmas and New Years has come and gone, so what’s next? Of course, for me, I have my 25th birthday on the 13th and there’s Downton Abbey. Nevertheless, for those repressed culinary arts aficionados, don’t worry for though the Super Bowl is only a month away, January is playoff season so this will give you plenty of time to apply your creativity in the kitchen. Now for those who don’t live in the US, Super Bowl Sunday is the day of the NFL professional football championship in which the winning team that wins receives the Vince Lombardi trophy and a special player gets the Super Bowl MVP trophy, too. Of course, Super Bowl Sunday is sort of like an unofficial national holiday in America, in which families across the country to watch the two best football teams such as the NFC champion and the AFC champion for the ultimate Vince Lombardi trophy. Now being from the Pittsburgh area, I usually watch the Super Bowl if the Steelers are playing and I know this year, they’re in the playoffs. Of course, the bad news is that they play my Uncle Mike’s team, the Baltimore Ravens on Saturday in the Wild Card spot. Yet, if the Steelers do make the Super Bowl, I’ll certainly be torn between local loyalties and watching Downton Abbey, which is one of my favorite shows (it’s really that good). Still, I may not be into the Super Bowl party scene or sports in general (I love my Downton though, especially the Dowager Countess), but my dad played football in high school and has been watching football games ever since while I’ve spent eight years in high school and college marching band. Nevertheless, there are many who have Super Bowl parties and might be looking for ideas for food (and believe me, a lot of food is consumed during the Super Bowl, not all of it healthy). Of course, there are the traditional dishes like nachos, Buffalo wings, hamburgers, hotdogs, potato chips, tacos, pretzels, bacon, and anything else that’s not good for your arteries, all with the side of beer. However, I try to take the unconventional turn. So without, further adieu, here are some great Super Bowl treats to score a touchdown with your Super Bowl party guests. Also, this post has nothing to do with the NFL and it will probably be sponsored with brands like Chevrolet, McDonald’s, Burger King, Bud Light, Miller, Dodge, Ford, Honda, and Budweiser. Some treats might be from previous years.

1. For those from Baltimore, here are some winning cookies for the Baltimore Ravens.

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but Aunt Jane will never ever make these for you. Also, I can't believe this person has jerseys of a guy with two murder allegations and a guy caught on a security camera for knocking out his wife in Atlantic City. Yeah, the Ravens are a great team of role models aren't they?

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but Aunt Jane will never ever make these for you. Also, I can’t believe this person has jerseys of a guy with two murder allegations and a guy caught on a security camera for knocking out his wife in an Atlantic City casino. Yeah, the Ravens are a great team of role models aren’t they?

2. I think I’ll take a 30 yard pass with these deviled football eggs.

They may not be the appetizers you like, but they're a lot healthier than a lot of the traditional tailgating football fare.

They may not be the appetizers you like, but they’re a lot healthier than a lot of the traditional tailgating football fare.

3. Behold, the Mega Snackadium.

You'll see a lot of these in this post. Still, this is the largest of the snack stadiums by far. Of course, since this one is probably used by a restaurant, it doubles as an all you can eat buffet.

You’ll see a lot of these in this post. Still, this is the largest of the snack stadiums by far. Of course, since this one is probably used by a restaurant, it doubles as an all you can eat buffet.

4. To honor the late Vince Lombardi’s Italian heritage, score a touchdown with this delicious pepperoni pizza Vince would’ve wanted his mother to make.

Now I know that footballs are brown but I'm sure pepperoni will do. Also, despite that pepperoni contains lots of salt, this pizza is probably better for you than a lot of things.

Now I know that footballs are brown but I’m sure pepperoni will do. Also, despite that pepperoni contains lots of salt, this pizza is probably better for you than a lot of things. This is called the Vince Lombardi special.

5. For those in New England, here are the jersey cake pops of your favorite Patriots.

Now the New England Patriots are known for winning 3 Super Bowls in 4 years as well as Spygate. However, they lost their last two Super Bowls against the New York Giants. And one of them was when they were undefeated until then. Still, the Patriots are one of those teams you'd love to hate.

Now the New England Patriots are known for winning 3 Super Bowls in 4 years as well as Spygate. However, they lost their last two Super Bowls against the New York Giants. And one of them was when they were undefeated until then. Still, the Patriots are one of those teams you’d love to hate.

6. While you can munch on the Snackadium during the day, save room for some stadium desserts.

With cookie crusts, icing stands with sprinkles, fruit roll-up flags, and pudding turf, I'll take it. Now I'm sure those sprinkles had very expensive seats because Super Bowl tickets aren't cheap.

With cookie crusts, icing stands with sprinkles, fruit roll-up flags, and pudding turf, I’ll take it. Now I’m sure those sprinkles had very expensive seats because Super Bowl tickets aren’t cheap.

7. Since hamburgers are a staple tailgating dish, why not have them for dessert?

Sure these cookie and cream replicants don't exactly resemble cheeseburgers, but I'll have them. Besides, they're probably better for you than a Big Mac or a Whopper.

Sure these cookie and cream replicants don’t exactly resemble cheeseburgers, but I’ll have them. Besides, they’re probably better for you than a Big Mac or a Whopper.

8.  Now this 12th Man Snack Stadium is a great winning addition in a Super Bowl party for any Seattle Seahawks fan.

This one even has cookie versions of its key players on the team. Of course, they all look the same though. Still, they're the most recent Super Bowl Champions who beat the Denver Broncos last year. Steelers beat their ass in 2006 though.

This one even has cookie versions of its key players on the team. Of course, they all look the same though. Still, they’re the most recent Super Bowl Champions who beat the Denver Broncos last year. Steelers beat their ass in 2006 though.

9. Grace your Super Bowl party dessert platter with this large Cheeseburger cake.

Of course, if it's a chocolate cheeseburger cake, I'd call it a "Cheeseburger in Paradise" in the words of Jimmy Buffett. Of course, I'm sure Parrottheads know what I'm talking about.

Of course, if it’s a chocolate cheeseburger cake, I’d call it a “Cheeseburger in Paradise” in the words of Jimmy Buffett. Of course, I’m sure Parrottheads know what I’m talking about.

10. Nothing says Super Bowl party than a football shaped bread bowl filled with chili.

And if you have leftovers, chili even tastes better the second time you heat it up. Not sure about the bread bowl and cheese though. Yet, the golden brown bread almost matches the color.

And if you have leftovers, chili even tastes better the second time you heat it up. Not sure about the bread bowl and cheese though. Yet, the golden brown bread almost matches the color.

11. Now I’d sure like to intercept a cream football covered with chocolate chips.

God, I would really like to have this chocolate chip football on my Super Bowl party dessert platter. I mean who can't resist a chocolate football, or anything else chocolate for that matter?

God, I would really like to have this chocolate chip football on my Super Bowl party dessert platter. I mean who can’t resist a chocolate football, or anything else chocolate for that matter?

12. Speaking of chocolate footballs, here’s a tray of them covered with chocolate.

I think  what's under those footballs has to be cake, preferably chocolate cake. Still, I'll eat them.

I think what’s under those footballs has to be cake, preferably chocolate cake. Still, I’ll eat them. Seriously, those look good. Really good.

13. Score in your Super Bowl dinner with these football calzones with tomato sauce as a side.

Now compared to the other gameday delights, these calzones and tomato sauce actually resemble something like a gourmet meal. You know, like what you'd see on a cooking show or a recipe book.

Now compared to the other game day delights, these calzones and tomato sauce actually resemble something like a gourmet meal. You know, like what you’d see on a cooking show or a recipe book.

14. These Rice Krispie football treats will make your Super Bowl Sunday worthwhile.

Now I'm not sure if you'd take to them, but I'm positive your kids will. Then again, they're made from chocolate Rice Krispies at least I hope so.

Now I’m not sure if you’d take to them, but I’m positive your kids will. Then again, they’re made from chocolate Rice Krispies at least I hope so.

15. To wet your appetite for the big game, try these nice football bites.

Now these have pepperoni shaped footballs, cheddar cheese, and Ritz crackers. Of course, I don't know what the white stuff is on the pepperoni. Probably cheese.

Now these have footballs shaped kielbasa slices, cheddar cheese, and Ritz crackers. Of course, I don’t know what the white stuff is on the meat. Probably cheese.

16. Behold, I give you the mushroom and cheese Denver Broncos tortilla pizza.

Actually that's a pretty good rendition of the Denver Broncos logo. I mean, that's pretty damn good. Still, I don't know if the mushrooms make a good substitute for a blue background. Still, the Broncos lost the Super Bowl last year.

Actually that’s a pretty good rendition of the Denver Broncos logo. I mean, that’s pretty damn good. Still, I don’t know if the mushrooms make a good substitute for a blue background. Still, the Broncos lost the Super Bowl last year, even though they had Peyton Manning.

17. Enjoy your Super Bowl party with these edible cupcake wraps.

I'm not sure whether these are manufactured or made by some repressed art student, but chocolate ones have the football while vanilla ones have the yard lines.

I’m not sure whether these are manufactured or made by some repressed art student, but chocolate ones have the football while vanilla ones have the yard lines.

18. And now, I give you all, Hoagie Snackadium, home of Super Bowl BLT!

Hey, that's the football pepperoni pizza I posted earlier. Still, to me this seems like a healthier option than the other stadiums so far, but seems to contain a lot of carbs and fat.

Hey, that’s the football pepperoni pizza I posted earlier. Still, to me this seems like a healthier option than the other stadiums so far, but seems to contain a lot of carbs and fat.

19. Of course, you can’t have any Super Bowl party without a side of football shaped beer bread decorated with bacon and cheese.

Nevertheless, this is certainly a basket of Super Bowl bread rolls fit for any man. I mean it contains all the things men would want as well as the high cholesterol content.

Nevertheless, this is certainly a basket of Super Bowl bread rolls fit for any man. I mean it contains all the things men would want as well as the high cholesterol content. Keep these away from your dog though.

20. For Super Bowl Sunday, it’s best to serve the guacamole dip as a football field.

Of course, this person couldn't afford to build a snackadium so they just stuck with a guacamole dish instead. Nevertheless, pretty clever.

Of course, this person couldn’t afford to build a snackadium so they just stuck with a guacamole dish instead. Nevertheless, pretty clever.

21. Nothing says a Super Bowl party like a red velvet football shaped and chocolate chip covered cheese ball.

Can't believe this is my second chocolate chip covered cheese football I've posted already. Guess I have a thing for chocolate. Of course, nobody can have too much of that.

Can’t believe this is my second chocolate chip covered cheese football I’ve posted already. Guess I have a thing for chocolate. Of course, nobody can have too much of that.

22. Now it seems like this person wants to honor the playoff season with hotdogs representing each team.

I wonder what the hotdog from Pittsburgh would look like. Also, why does the New York one have blue ooze on it? That can't be normal. Oh, it's supposed to represent the Giants. Also, that Green Bay hotdog looks disgusting.

I wonder what the hotdog from Pittsburgh would look like. Also, why does the New York one have blue ooze on it? That can’t be normal. Oh, it’s supposed to represent the Giants. Also, that Green Bay hotdog looks disgusting.

23. Now these are the perfect cookies for any city of Champions.

Now this person really got the team logo right on this one, which the Pittsburgh Steelers have on only one side of their helmets. Nevertheless, not bad for the 6 time Super Bowl champions, am I right?

Now this person really got the team logo right on this one, which the Pittsburgh Steelers have on only one side of their helmets. Nevertheless, not bad for the 6 time Super Bowl champions, am I right?

24. Of course, you can’t really go wrong with chocolate covered strawberries.

Still, they also make great Valentines Day gifts for men, if you know what I mean. Of course, they're also seen as a health food as well.

Still, they also make great Valentines Day gifts for men, if you know what I mean. Of course, they’re also seen as a health food as well.

25. For your Super Bowl party, why don’t you design the cupcake platter from one of your old playbooks?

I don't know about you, but I sort of wish that every football team recorded their plays like this. Seriously, it would be just all the more awesome.

I don’t know about you, but I sort of wish that every football team recorded their plays like this. Seriously, it would be just all the more awesome.

26. I’m sure this stadium cake would satisfy Green Bay Packer fan.

I actually watched that 2011 game when the Packers won the Super Bowl against the Pittsburgh Steelers. At least I got to see Adrien Brody sing in that Stela Artois commercial. Now he is a very good looking guy, my friend.

I actually watched that 2011 game when the Packers won the Super Bowl against the Pittsburgh Steelers. At least I got to see Adrien Brody sing in that Stela Artois commercial. Now he is a very good looking guy, my friend. Well, so what if he has a large nose? He’s way hotter than Channing Tatum, in my book anyway.

27. Of course, if you love seafood, here’s a football of crab spread.

Of course, this crab spread also has cheese on it, which doesn't make it kosher in some Jewish sects. This is especially true with the shellfish. Yet, if they live in Baltimore, I'm not sure that they care.

Of course, this crab spread also has cheese on it, which doesn’t make it kosher in some Jewish sects. This is especially true with the shellfish. Yet, if they live in Baltimore, I’m not sure that they care.

28. Welcome, to the Ham Sandwich Snackadium.

The stadium walls are made from ham sandwiches as I can recall. Yet, they seem to contain a lot of snack foods like Doritos, nachos, potato chips, and Ritz crackers. Still, contains lots of carbs.

The stadium walls are made from ham sandwiches as I can recall. Yet, they seem to contain a lot of snack foods like Doritos, nachos, potato chips, and Ritz crackers. Still, contains lots of carbs.

29. Now this snakadium allows you to make your own sandwich as far as I can see.

Wow, seems like there's a lot of ways you can customize your sandwich in this stadium. Unfortunately, there's only one type of bread. Yet, I'd rather have something hot instead. I don't like hoagies for some reason. Seriously, I don't.

Wow, seems like there’s a lot of ways you can customize your sandwich in this stadium. Unfortunately, there’s only one type of bread. Yet, I’d rather have something hot instead. I don’t like hoagies for some reason. Seriously, I don’t.

30. Since burgers are tailgating fare in football, why not have a football shaped burger?

I don't know about you, but I think it's pretty appropriate for a Super Bowl party. Of course, my dad would usually have some American cheese on his toasted bun.

I don’t know about you, but I think it’s pretty appropriate for a Super Bowl party. Of course, my dad would usually have some American cheese on his toasted bun.

31. Wet your appetite with these rice cake footballs.

I'm sure cheese was involved here as far as I could tell. Or do rice just brown that way? Then again, at least you can dip it in something.

I’m sure cheese was involved here as far as I could tell. Or do rice just brown that way? Then again, at least you can dip it in something.

32. Behold, the cheese pizza dedicated to Super Bowl XLVI in which the New England Patriots face off against the New York Giants.

Man, that's one amazing pizza. Still, I know quite well that the Giants won this one and Eli Manning got another MVP trophy, to his older brother Peyton's dismay.

Man, that’s one amazing pizza. Still, I know quite well that the Giants won this one and Eli Manning got another MVP trophy, to his older brother Peyton’s dismay.

33. For vegetarians and health nuts out there, here’s a veggie stadium platter for you.

A healthy options, Super Bowl party vegetable platter? What kind of NFL heresy is this? Seriously, football food needs to be at least bad enough to kill a man through heart disease.

A healthy options, Super Bowl party vegetable platter? What kind of NFL heresy is this? Seriously, football food needs to be at least bad enough to kill a man through heart disease.

34. Get your child to know the calls in football with these cupcakes.

Now some of the signs on here consist of, "False Start," "Delay Game,"  "Off-Side," "Pass Interference," "Face Mask," and "Horse Collar." Still, I'm surprised they don't have the call, "Unnecessary Roughness" on here.

Now some of the signs on here consist of, “False Start,” “Delay Game,” “Off-Side,” “Pass Interference,” “Face Mask,” and “Horse Collar.” Still, I’m surprised they don’t have the call, “Unnecessary Roughness” or “Excessive Celebration” on here.

35. For the Pittsburgh Steelers heading to the Super Bowl, here’s a dessert table befit for the City of Champions.

Now let's see here: Steeler jersey cookies, Black and Gold gobs, popcorn, Steeler cupcakes, Steeler cake pops, football cake, and beer. Too bad this was assembled in 2011, when they lost the Super Bowl to the Green Bay Packers.

Now let’s see here: Steeler jersey cookies, Black and Gold gobs, popcorn, Steeler cupcakes, Steeler cake pops, football cake, and beer. Too bad this was assembled in 2011, when they lost the Super Bowl to the Green Bay Packers.

36. No cheese ball is better for the Super Bowl party than a bacon and cheese ball for your crackers.

Of course, the bacon gives this cheese football its color after being ground up into tiny bits. Still, definitely not for people with high cholesterol.

Of course, the bacon gives this cheese football its color after being ground up into tiny bits. Still, definitely not for people with high cholesterol.

37. Don’t forget to kick a field goal into these cupcakes.

Of course, I'm not sure about the yardage here. Then again, take two of these and you get a football field, albeit a very small one.

Of course, I’m not sure about the yardage here. Then again, take two of these and you get a football field, albeit a very small one.

38. Now this snackadium is just epic, literally.

Now I know this one has been done quite some time ago since they have Twinkies and Ho Hos as parked cars in the lot outside. Hostess has been out of business since 2012 at least.

Now I know this one has been done quite some time ago since they have Twinkies and Ho Hos as parked cars in the lot outside. Hostess has been out of business since 2012 at least.

39. Celebrate the Super Bowl with this football cake on the grass.

Of course, the artificial turf on this cake looks more realistic than the turf on Cougar Mountain will ever be.

Of course, the artificial turf on this cake looks more realistic than the turf on Cougar Mountain will ever be.

40. Of course, this snacktadium was made for a bar and grille.

I see this one contains beer as I see it and other dishes. Still, I wonder if that grass is real. Looks like it compared to what I've seen on Cougar Mountain, that is. Also contains helmets from almost all the NFL teams.

I see this one contains beer as I see it and other dishes. Still, I wonder if that grass is real. Looks like it compared to what I’ve seen on Cougar Mountain, that is. Also contains helmets from almost all the NFL teams.

41. Grace your Super Bowl party platter with football fritters containing potato, bacon, and cheddar cheese.

Now I'm sure my dad will really love these. Yet, I know they'd be very bad for him. Contains lots of salt, seriously. Eat enough of them and you'll get a heart attack.

Now I’m sure my dad will really love these. Yet, I know they’d be very bad for him. Contains lots of salt, seriously. Eat enough of them and you’ll get a heart attack.

42. Nothing makes a Super Bowl than a football soft pretzel.

Of course, in Pittsburgh, we call this, "the Ben Roethlisberger Special." Did I spell his name right? Seriously, did I spell his name right?

Of course, in Pittsburgh, we call this, “the Ben Roethlisberger Special.” Did I spell his name right? Seriously, did I spell his name right?

43. For frozen treats, you can’t do wrong with these football ice cream sandwiches on sticks.

The great part of these is that how the plays are written on the sticks. Still, wish real football teams did this with their plays. Maybe they'll remember them better.

The great part of these is that how the plays are written on the sticks. Still, wish real football teams did this with their plays. Maybe they’ll remember them better.

44. For all you winos out there, nothing makes a great Super Bowl party than a stadium cheese platter.

Of course, while the black olives are in position, the green olives seemed to have called a time out. Wonder if the green olives realize they're losing. Losing teams tend to do this near the end of games.

Of course, while the black olives are in position, the green olives seemed to have called a time out. Wonder if the green olives realize they’re losing. Losing teams tend to do this near the end of games.

45. Nothing makes great artificial turf for your snackadium than celery.

Okay, I bet this is the low budget version of the Super Bowl veggie platter. And they have an almond to act as a football. For those who have limited cooking skills, you might want to try this.

Okay, I bet this is the low budget version of the Super Bowl veggie platter. And they have an almond to act as a football. For those who have limited cooking skills, you might want to try this.

46. When it comes to snackadium walls, you might want to go with sandwiches on one end and lunch meat and graham crackers on the other.

What my question about this stadium is: How the hell did they get the ham, graham crackers, and pastrami to stand up like that? Seriously, how did they do it?

What my question about this stadium is: How the hell did they get the ham, graham crackers, and pastrami to stand up like that? Seriously, how did they do it?

47. I’m sure your party guests will delight in this one of a kind Super Bowl sundae.

And I guess this is with a sprinkles in a cone as well as chocolate chip mint ice cream. Can I have one, please? I'll take it. Seems like someone's about to score a touchdown.

And I guess this is with a sprinkles in a cone as well as chocolate chip mint ice cream. Can I have one, please? I’ll take it. Seems like someone’s about to score a touchdown.

48. Behold, I give you, the Super Bowl Taco Bowl.

Of course, while this item may be among the healthier dishes on this post, it may give you a case of gas by the 3rd quarter. I mean it's probably covered with refried beans for the other contents to stick to.

Of course, while this item may be among the healthier dishes on this post, it may give you a case of gas by the 3rd quarter. I mean it’s probably covered with refried beans for the other contents to stick to.

49. Nothing says a Super Bowl party than a team sized football burger.

Now I'm sure this was made by a restaurant. I mean burgers don't tend to be that big. Then again, this might be a close up image. Nevertheless, the top bun certainly looks like a real football.

Now I’m sure this was made by a restaurant. I mean burgers don’t tend to be that big. Then again, this might be a close up image. Nevertheless, the top bun certainly looks like a real football.

50. For the kids, I’m sure these football cookies will do quite nicely.

I don't know about you but I really like these expressions on these football. I also love the use of sprinkles for the crowds on the football stadium ones, too.

I don’t know about you but I really like these expressions on these football. I also love the use of sprinkles for the crowds on the football stadium ones, too.

51. Now these cheese potato skin footballs make a great side dish for your Super Bowl party.

Of course, I thought this was a scalped potato dish, wondering, how did they managed to get a dish shaped like that? Then I realized that was potato skin.

Of course, I thought this was a scalped potato dish, wondering, how did they managed to get a dish shaped like that? Then I realized that was potato skin.

52. Score on the big game day with this football shaped veggie platter.

Have to love how the old pig skin is made from peppers, carrots, and cherry tomatoes. The turf is represented by the broccoli.

Have to love how the old pig skin is made from peppers, carrots, and cherry tomatoes. The turf is represented by the broccoli.

53. Nothing scores bigger on your Super Bowl dessert platter than these football cake pops.

Sure these might be covered in chocolate, but, hey, I'll take a bite out of one of them. Nevertheless, cute.

Sure these might be covered in chocolate, but, hey, I’ll take a bite out of one of them. Nevertheless, very fitting for the big game.

54. Now I’m sure your guests will be delighted with these tasty football brownies.

Now these brownies look so delicious that it's making me hungry. Seriously, I really love brownies and chocolate.

Now these brownies look so delicious that it’s making me hungry. Seriously, I really love brownies and chocolate.

55. For your desserts during the half-time show, take a time out with this pull apart football cake.

Because if this doesn't distract you from looking at Katie Perry's boobs, I don't know what will. Still, love the icing, yet I wish the cupcakes were chocolate though.

Because if this doesn’t distract you from looking at Katie Perry’s boobs, I don’t know what will. Still, love the icing, yet I wish the cupcakes were chocolate though.

56. I’m sure this football shaped tortilla sandwich will make a great Super Bowl entree during the game.

Of course this may be a seven layer dip with tortillas overlapping each topping. I'd proceed this dish with caution if I were you.

Of course this may be a seven layer dip with tortillas overlapping each topping. I’d proceed this dish with caution if I were you.

57. If Rice Krispie football treats aren’t your thing, perhaps go with a superized one.

However, though this might be the size of a real football, doesn't mean you should pass it around with your guests. Seriously, don't.

However, though this might be the size of a real football, doesn’t mean you should pass it around with your guests. Seriously, don’t.

58. If you don’t want to give your guests coronaries, then perhaps cover your football cheese ball with nuts.

Of course, ingesting too much cheese may not be good for you. Then again, at least your Orthodox Jewish guest may be allowed to take part in this dish as well.

Of course, ingesting too much cheese may not be good for you. Then again, at least your Orthodox Jewish guest may be allowed to take part in this dish as well.

59. Nothing makes a Super Bowl party than an appetizer dish of sauteed mushrooms.

Sauteed mushroom dish? Seems more like something you'd serve for a Wimbledon party to me. And only rich folks attend those.

Sauteed mushroom dish? Seems more like something you’d serve for a Wimbledon party to me. And only rich folks attend those.

60. Nobody can do much wrong with these field cupcakes for their Super Bowl parties.

Warning: green icing may cause your guests to sport green lips, which are much more appropriate for Saint Patrick's Day.

Warning: green icing may cause your guests to sport green lips, which are much more appropriate for Saint Patrick’s Day.

61. Presenting the Super Bowl salad bowl.

And it looks like the salads in this arrangement is being served in tortilla bowls. Also, is that salad dressing or masking tape?

And it looks like the salads in this arrangement is being served in tortilla bowls. Also, is that salad dressing or masking tape?

62. Score a touchdown at your Super Bowl party with these football bites.

Now these bites seem to contain, Ritz crackers, kielbasa slices, and cheddar cheese. And I guess the lines are drawn with salad dressing.

Now these bites seem to contain, Ritz crackers, kielbasa slices, and cheddar cheese. And I guess the lines are drawn with salad dressing.

63. During the Super Bowl, the best way to eat fruit salad is via a watermelon helmet.

Fruit helmet? Hey, kid, football isn't the sport for queers (I'm just kidding on this, seriously). Also, that dish doesn't seem to fit the dietary guidelines for football food, which is supposed to be bad for the arteries.

Fruit helmet? Hey, kid, football isn’t the sport for queers (I’m just kidding on this, seriously). Also, that dish doesn’t seem to fit the dietary guidelines for football food, which is supposed to be bad for the arteries.

64. Nothing makes a great Super Bowl party than a dish of refried dip shaped like a football.

Warning: May cause gas like in the iconic Blazing Saddles scene if this isn't seven layers. Then again, football is more of a men's sport anyway and Super Bowl Sunday more of a men's holiday.

Warning: May cause gas like in the iconic Blazing Saddles scene if this isn’t seven layers. Then again, football is more of a men’s sport anyway and Super Bowl Sunday more of a men’s holiday.

65. Oh, when the Saints go marchin’ in. Oh, when the New Orleans Saints go marchin’ in….

Of course, after winning the Super Bowl in 2010, they became implicated in a high profile scandal in which the coach issued bounties on certain players for his crew to beat up. They haven't been as good since.

Of course, after winning the Super Bowl in 2010, they became implicated in a high profile scandal in which the coach issued bounties on certain players for his crew to beat up. They haven’t been as good since. So much for living up to their name.

66. Of course, nothings honors the big day like a Super Bowl gingerbread stadium.

I don't think this display was made for eating. Nevertheless, it's going in the post anyway. Seriously, it's very good artistry.

I don’t think this display was made for eating. Nevertheless, it’s going in the post anyway. Seriously, it’s very good artistry.

67. Of course, when the Steelers are playing in the Super Bowl, you can’t do without a Terrible Towel cake.

Now the tradition of the Terrible Towel began with the Pittsburgh Steeler's announcer Myron Cope during the team's glory days in the 1970s. It's been a Pittsburgh Steeler tradition since then. Sadly, Myron died in 2008 but he'd always be remember as a local sports personality.

Now the tradition of the Terrible Towel began with the Pittsburgh Steeler’s announcer Myron Cope during the team’s glory days in the 1970s. It’s been a Pittsburgh Steeler tradition since then. Sadly, Myron died in 2008 but he’d always be remember as a local sports personality.

68. Show your support for the Green Bay Packers with this cheese head cake.

The main reason why the Green Bay Packers fans are called, "Cheese Heads" is because the team was originally founded and sponsored by a food packing company. Also, because of Wisconsin's association with dairy products.

The main reason why the Green Bay Packers fans are called, “Cheese Heads” is because the team was originally founded and sponsored by a food packing company. Also, because of Wisconsin’s association with dairy products.

69. Nothing makes a great Super Bowl party than a cake of the Vince Lombardi trophy.

I'm sure this cake is professionally made and that trophy is just a replica as far as I can see. Looks very well done though.

I’m sure this cake is professionally made and that trophy is just a replica as far as I can see. Looks very well done though.

70. I now give you, Graham Cracker Snackadium.

Though the outside is graham crackers the inside tends to be aluminum foil, crackers, and guacamole. Still a great snack platter though.

Though the outside is graham crackers the inside tends to be aluminum foil, crackers, and guacamole. Still a great snack platter though.

Bad Movie Mothers

Not to be outdone, while there are a lot of bad movie fathers out there in cinema, mothers could be just as bad. Just because women were biologically created to bear children for 9 months doesn’t mean they’re any better parents. Yet, we tend to be more shocked by bad mothering simply because we kind of expect more from moms than dads. In fact, it’s possible for a man to be a dad and not even know it. Yet, this is mostly due to sexism, double standards, and all the lurid  stories on the news that pertain to crime and abuse. You know, sensationalism. However, when it comes to movies, let’s say that the moms are just as bad even if their activities tend to be more horrifying. Still, while we have women like Mrs. Gump, Mrs. Weasley, Mildred Pierce, and Mrs. Miniver, there are also a lot of movie moms who’ve made their kids’ lives such a living hell that you’d probably not want to send flowers to them. Nevertheless, for those who’ve grown up with a mom who’s constantly told you to clean your room, do the dishes, take out the garbage, and eat your vegetables as well as sometimes embarrassed you with giving you a set of pink bunny pajamas for Christmas, remember you could have to deal with moms as bad as these movie ones I list here. Also, includes stepmothers as well. So without further adieu, here is a list of monstrous movie matriarchs, you’d be glad not to have. And if you are a mom, at least it would make you happier about your parenting skills.

1. The Wicked Queen

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From: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
The Problem: Disney isn’t well known for its share of great parents (at least ones who don’t actually die in the middle of the movie). I mean there’s a lot of incompetent dads like the Sultan and Maurice as well as evil stepmothers. And as far as evil stepmothers go, I have to give that honor to the wicked queen. This woman basically puts a hit on Snow White all because she upstaged her on the Magic Mirror’s list of the Fairest One of All. I mean she sends a huntsman to rip out her heart and put it in a box as well as gave her stepdaughter a poisoned apple that put her into a deep sleep that could only be broken through sexual assault. All because of the Wicked Queen being jealous of her looks and upset about aging. Look, sister, I’d totally understand you wanting to knock off Snow White since she’ll soon reach the age of maturity and rule on her own (assuming your husband is dead), which will put you out of a job as regent and I’m sure you really enjoy the post. Then again, it’s not like she’ll be prepared for it since you made her spend a lot of her time in rags scrubbing the castle sidewalk. However, wanting to kill your stepdaughter just because a magic mirror said she was hotter than you is just fucking stupid! Look, if a magic mirror told me that I was no longer the Fairest One of All, I’d just book that Magic Mirror on the Wall an appointment with Mr. Sledgehammer. Seriously, even if you do kill Snow White, the mirror would probably name some other woman the Fairest One of All. Not worth it.
2. Joan Crawford

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From: Mommie Dearest
The Problem: Now this movie is based on a memoir by Joan’s daughter Christina who might not have presented an accurate portrait of her adoptive mother, which has been hotly contested by Bette Davis, Myrna Loy, a few of her biographers, her two younger daughters, and three of her ex-husbands. Still, it didn’t stop the legendary star from Mildred Pierce to have her public reputation ultimately destroyed. Nevertheless, while Joan desperately wants children for the sake of the publicity, she’s a control freak out of control. At one moment, she’s lavishing luxuries, only to take them away the next. She also fosters constant competition, chops Christina’s hair like a madwoman, and beating her child with a wire hanger (for hanging a dress with one). Oh, and though she screams about wanting a spotless house, she’s willing to destroy rooms just to make them clean up. Not to mention, she strapped Christopher to his bed in order to keep him from jerking off. Now that is one crazy bitch! So who the hell did her background check at the adoption agency?
3. Mrs. Windle Vale

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From: Now, Voyager
The Problem: Now Mrs. Vale has raised her daughter Charlotte to be her lifelong companion as well as do whatever she says whether it means where to spend her time, what she reads, or how to dress. And she’s been trying to control and socially isolate Charlotte since she’d tried to run off with that sailor, basically preventing her daughter from having her own life. Not to mention, she has to be constantly reminded that her mom had her in her 40s and still sees her as an unwanted child. Unsurprisingly this drives Charlotte into a nervous breakdown that Dr. Jacquith has to get her to his sanitorium for depressed rich people. Of course, after rehab, a cruise, an extramarital affair, and a Dior wardrobe, Charlotte blossoms into a new woman, but her mother is just as determined to destroy her little girl once more. And even when Charlotte basically sticks up for herself, Mrs. Vale always tries to pull any deliberate stunt to guilt her, even falling down the stairs. Yet, all throughout Mrs. Vale always seems to take pleasuring in torment her daughter. What a bitch.
4. Deirdre Burroughs

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From: Running with Scissors
The Problem: While Joan Crawford’s parenting skills can be debated, you can’t really say the same for Augusten Burroughs’ mother. Sure he’d grow up to be a famous author but still, he had a terrible childhood. His father, Norman is an alcoholic and absentee. Yet, it’s his mother, Deirdre who really makes things hell for him with her severe mood swings and erratic behavior as well as a conviction that the rest of the world is slightly dumber and less deserving of attention and praise. By the time Augusten hits puberty, he no longer feels safe because of his folks and it’s his mother who thinks her husband is out to kill her. Nevertheless, when his parents split and too obsessed with her own problems, she sends him to the house of her shrink and his eccentric family (as well as has a relationship with a schizo man in his 30s) as well as a room called a, “masturbatorium.” Still, as Deirdre becomes more mentally unsound, Augusten thinks she no longer wants him. Great mother for any aspiring writer looking for material, but puts children at a high risk therapy future. Also, it says a lot about Deirdre that while Augusten managed to reconcile with his dad, he’s still estranged from his mom to this day.
5. Margaret White

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From: Carrie
The Problem: From the pages of Stephen King, Margaret White is certainly the worst mother any high school girl could have, even by the standards of most Christian Fundamentalists. Now puberty is tough for any teenage girl, but if your mother is the kind of scary religious nutjob Carrie has, then well, you might as just run away from home. Seems like Margaret really missed the memo that all little girls grow up and basically views anything a girl experiences during adolescence as sinful. This doesn’t help that she fervently believes that all sex is sinful even within marriage and has no problem abusing Carrie in the name of God, even if it means harming herself to get her to obey as well as quoting from Bible verses that don’t really exist. Have period in the showers? Tell her she started due to sinning and drag her kicking and screaming to a Christian effigy to beg forgiveness. Go on first date? Throw burning tea into Carrie’s face and tell her she’s dirty? And when Carrie makes her own prom dress, Margaret insist she burn it and pray for forgiveness because the color red is sinful. Also, zap her with telekinetic powers? Margaret will call you a witch, denounce you as Satan spawn, and try to kill you. Is it any wonder that Carrie goes nuts with her supernatural powers and blows up the school during prom?
6. Mrs. Bates

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From: Psycho
The Problem: Well, she’s technically dead by the time the movie begins, but let’s just say she and Norman had a very twisted relationship, which was in no way healthy for either of them. Of course, Mrs. Bates’ overbearing personality and verbal abuse took a great toll on Norman who became attached to her in a very unhealthy way (guess social isolation is at play). Not to mention, she filled his head with how evil and sinful other women are, which explains why he murdered Marion Crane in the shower (because he was sexually attracted to her). Still, it shouldn’t be a surprise that Mrs. Bates was murdered by her son when she got a boyfriend (out of fear he was being replaced). Yet, this doesn’t stop her from abusing Norman in his head from well beyond the grave or as the corpse hiding in the cellar that is. “A boy’s best friend is his mother” indeed.
7. Beth Jarrett

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From: Ordinary People
The Problem: When it comes to mourning a dead child, it can be especially tough for families. Yet, despite being played by Mary Tyler Moore, Beth is hardly a source of support for her surviving son Conrad after her favorite son Buck drowns during a boating accident. Now since Conrad was with his brother at the time, he’s understandably messed up to the point where he tries to kill himself. By the time the movie begins, he’s been released from a psychiatric hospital and has started attending therapy with Dr. Berger working to help him come out of the emotional shell he’s constructed. Conrad’s father Calvin tries to make his son happy and eventually sees Dr. Berger himself. Yet, Beth doesn’t and is still tied up with Buck who was always her favorite son but she’d rather deny her loss as well as maintain her composure and restore the family to it once was. In fact, instead of helping her son heal, she remains cold and unaffectionate. And it’s later found out, during the Christmas scenes that Beth never visited Conrad while he was in the hospital as well as would rather spend the holidays without him. Still, it comes to the point in which even Calvin is questioning whether Beth loved him or is incapable of loving anyone. In some ways, you wonder if Beth wishes that Conrad died in that boating accident instead, which really makes me cringe.
8. Rose-Ann D’Arcey

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From: A Patch of Blue
The Problem: Shelley Winters has made a career of playing bad mothers as well as women who’ve endured their share of abuse. Yet, she won a second Oscar for Supporting Actress by playing this monster of a mother who’d make Cinderella’s stepmother seem like June Cleaver in comparison. Sure Rose-Ann is a prostitute and an alcoholic who keeps her teenage blind daughter Selina in almost total social isolation that she has no friends and has never received an education. During the day, Selina just does housework and strings beads for supplemental income with her only pleasure of spending a day in the park if she’s lucky. Now Rose-Ann is just as demeaning as she’s abusive and selfish. She thinks nothing of her daughter’s welfare and sees no problem forcing her to follow in her footsteps. Yet, Rose-Ann was also responsible for throwing chemicals in Selina’s face in the first place while attempting to hit her husband (which left Selina blind yet Rose-Ann blames her). However, the worst thing about her is that when Selina was raped by one of her clients, an incident that forced Rose-Ann to rent a second room for her business. But what makes it really bad is that she blames her daughter for the trouble it caused her.
9. Mary Lee Johnston

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From: Precious
The Problem: Where do I begin? Of course, this is a role that earned Mo’Nique the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Now while Precious’ father is a real piece of shit who repeatedly raped and impregnated her twice as well as gave her AIDS, he’s not nearly as memorable as Mary. Of course, Mary is just as bad since with her abuse ranging from the physical to the emotional, “You’re a dummy, bitch! You will never know shit! Don’t nobody want you, don’t nobody need you!” As for Precious being raped by her father and having two kids to him, well, Mary just does nothing to protect her, blames her daughter for the lot, and refers her as, “the other woman.” And while Precious tries to make a better life for herself, she’s there to dash any and all hope. This isn’t a mother, but a straight up monster beyond all description.
10. Beverly R. Sutphin

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From: Serial Mom
The Problem: Unlike most of the mothers on this list, Beverly doesn’t really do anything terrible to her kids and seems like a standard 1950s suburban housewife on the surface. Yet, underneath the Stepford wife façade she’s a serial killer knocking off anyone who gets in her way, sometimes over the most trivial and perceived slights. Son’s math teacher berating your parenting as well as questions your son’s health and family life? Run him over with your car. Daughter gets stood up by her date for another girl? Kill him in the bathroom with a fire poker at the local flea market. Husband gets called away to treat a patient’s chronic toothache? Stab his wife with scissors you borrow from a neighbor and cause the air conditioner to fall on said patient. Local woman calls your son, “son of a psycho?” Follow her home and bludgeon her to death with a leg of lamb while singing along to the victim’s rented copy of Annie. Get caught by her neighbor? Chase him with your car, catch him at the local club, and set him aflame. Neighbor steals your parking space? Send a series of obscene phone calls. Wear white shoes after Labor Day? Follow victim to pay phone and fatally strike her on the head with a receiver. Now I guess she’s not setting a good example for her kids, isn’t she? Kind of makes Dexter seem like, “Father of the Year.” Movie based on an urban legend, by the way.
11. Jade
From: The Hangover
The Problem: Now I don’t think Jade being a stripper or prostitute in Las Vegas makes her a bad mother. After all, there are plenty of moms in the “adult” entertainment business who are just trying to provide for their kids. However, what puts her on the list is that she took her baby to work with her during a boozy night and left him in a hotel room with three drunken idiots and a tiger. Of course, what gets me is that this woman’s son was missing for hours yet, she seems to take her baby’s disappearance remarkably calm. I mean there’s nothing to suggest she called the police or appears the least worried about him when they meet her in her apartment. Oh, and she married one of the idiots as well and her baby wasn’t at the wedding. Seems like this boy’s guardian angel was working overtime if you ask me. Still, when a guy like Alan Garner (who certainly shouldn’t have kids) can keep a better watchful eye on a baby than his own mother, you can see why Jade belongs on the list.
12. Hattie Dorsett

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From: Sybil
The Problem: Sybil is a bespectacled substitute teacher who has 13 personalities. Understandably, this really creates a lot of difficulties in her life that she starts seeing a therapist to help sort things out. Turns out that these 13 personalities were the result of a terrible childhood under the care of her paranoid schizophrenic mother, Hattie. What Sibyl endured under her was unspeakable abuse (at least physical yet, nobody questioned what was going on despite the various injuries she sustained and this includes her father, grandmother, and even pediatrician). Nevertheless, though this movie may seem it was taken from some Lifetime Movie of the Week, but I’m sure this woman definitely belongs on this list. May even eat Precious’ mother for breakfast.
13. Eleanor Shaw Iselin

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From: The Manchurian Candidate
The Problem: Those who remember Angela Lansbury from voicing Mrs. Potts in Disney’s Beauty and the Beast would find that she didn’t always play charming grandmotherly types. In this one, she’s basically one of the cruelest and trippiest mothers in screen history. Despite being married to a close vegetable clone of Senator Joe McCarthy (alcoholic red-baiting bastard), Eleanor is actually a communist agent quietly working to overthrow the US government with her Manchurian Candidate (her John Bircher husband) and brainwashes her former Korean War POW son Raymond Shaw into becoming a political assassin and sleeper agent, subconsciously activated with a particular trigger (the Queen of Diamonds). Basically this brainwashing leads Raymond to kill his new wife and her father during the honeymoon. Oh, and let’s say that Raymond and Ellie’s relationship is more than of the familial variety (where they get a bed scene in the novel). Yet, I’m sure she’s justified since world domination is at stake. All in all, who’s mommy’s little assassin? Who’s mommy’s little assassin?
14. Olivia Foxworth

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From: Flowers in the Attic
The Problem: Well, besides being played by the kind of woman you wouldn’t want near your bedside in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Olivia is perhaps the worst grandmother in all of fiction. For one, she disinherits her daughter over her marrying her half-uncle. Second, though she tells Corinne that she could stay and inherit a family fortune as long as she keeps hides her four kids in the attic. Third, Olivia uses her daughter’s incestuous marriage in the most religiously hypocritical way to starve, abuse, lie, blackmail, and dehumanize her grandchildren as well as commit outright murder among other things. And she sees these totally innocent products of incest as, “devil’s spawn.” Not to mention, while a lot of grandmothers are known for baking cookies, hers are laced with arsenic to slowly poison her grandkids. Oh, and when she puts the kiddies up in the attic, she basically says, “So that you understand me now, I will give you food and shelter, but never kindness or love. For it is impossible to feel anything but disgust for what is not wholesome.” Sheesh, thank God my grandmother’s nothing like that.
15. Mama Fratelli
From: The Goonies
The Problem: Anne Ramsey has made a career of playing ugly bad mothers from the 1980s and Mama Fratelli is no exception. Now this woman really is a terrible sight to behold. For one, she hates kids despite having 3 of them. Second, she raised them to be thugs, killers, and scumbags. Third, though she’s an abusive parent, her son Francis is obviously her favorite while her treatment of Sloth is utterly horrifying. I mean she dropped him on his head a few times as well as chained him to a wall. How unforgivable.
16. Violet Venable

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From: Suddenly, Last Summer
The Problem: Sure she’s played by Katharine Hepburn, but Mrs. Venable makes Eleanor of Aquitaine seem like a Madonna in comparison in this Tennessee Williams adaptation. And I mean she’s just, oh, where to begin? For one, she promises to fund the state hospital to build a new wing as long as brain surgeon Dr. John Curkowicz can perform a lobotomy on her niece Catherine. Now Catherine is already experiencing shock from what happened to Violet’s son Sebastian last summer during their disastrous European vacation that her memory’s a bit fuzzy. Oh, and did I say her aunt Violet committed her to a mental institution where she’s raped by one of the staff? And she’s also having her committed to the state mental hospital, too. Yet, once the film goes on, you realize Violet’s main reason for forcing a lobotomy on Catherine has more to do with wanting to hide the truth about the circumstances behind her son’s death (like cannibalism) as well as his sordid personal life (he was a flamingly light in the loafers, to put it lightly). Second, she also has Cathy’s mother and brother consent to the commitment and lobotomy just so they could receive a considerable inheritance from Sebastian’s will. Third, it’s very clear her feelings for Sebastian were more than just familial as well as idealizes him as “chaste” though we later find out he was anything but (for those trips to Europe weren’t just about just writing poetry. Still, doesn’t stop Violet from referring to her and Sebastian as a “couple”). Not to mention, another reason why Violet may want Cathy’s frontal brain removed may have something to do with her resentment toward her as well (mostly because Cathy could give Sebastian the boy toys and she can’t). Yes, this woman would use any means at her disposal to protect her son’s legacy even if it means ruining her niece’s life.
17. Mama Rose Hovick

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From: Gypsy
The Problem: As the stage mother of the legendary stripper Gypsy Rose Lee and actress June Havoc, Mama Rose is determined to make her two daughters stars and will stop at nothing to achieve her goal, even if she has to drag them all the way across the country to get them noticed. The acts are childish, innocent stage personae that they become unable to keep up as they grow older (and are becoming incredibly sick of). She’d also go as far as to give them multiple 10th birthday parties to trick them they were indefinitely 10 years old so she could milk them for all they were worth. What their daughters really want is their mother just to settle down with her boyfriend Herbie and have a normal life. Eventually their controlling mother’s attention becomes too much for June to bear that she gets married and runs away. And then she turns her attentions to Louise (Gypsy Rose at the time) yet by that time, Vaudeville children’s shows are basically a thing of the past. So seeing burlesque as the only way for Louise to be a star, Mama Rose makes her become a stripper. Gypsy Rose Lee becomes very successful as a result but she’s disgusted nonetheless. And yes, this woman was real as well as sets the criteria for your stereotypical stage mother.
18. Erica Sayers

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From: Black Swan
The Problem: Of course, even when she grows up, a daughter will always be her mother’s little girl. Unfortunately, for Nina Sayers, her mother seems to have taken this idea up to the extreme. I mean, considering she’s a ballerina, Nina is probably in her twenties (at most), yet she sleeps in a room designed for a six-year-old girl and her mom seems to treat her like one, too, (I mean she cuts her nails, dresses her, and puts mittens on her to so she won’t scratch herself). Oh, and it’s full of holes so Erica can spy on her, which is very creepy in itself. Still, I always think that Erica is one of those stage mothers who forces her daughter to live her dreams because she had the misfortune of having her ballerina career come to an abrupt end by getting knocked up. And she’s still quite bitter about it. Still, all her verbal abuse and psychological torture on Nina takes a heavy toll on her psyche and it’s very clear that she’s already quite mentally unstable, sexually repressed, and emotionally stunted by the time the movie starts. Not to mention, she harms herself and has an eating disorder. Oh, and did I tell you that Erica is sleeping in the same room Nina is masturbating in during one scene? And it gets far worse from there, especially with the fact she’s such a perfectionist and obsessed with making mama proud. Sort of makes Mama Rose seem normal.
19. Janine “Smurf” Cody

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From: Animal Kingdom
The Problem: When 17 year old Joshua Cody’s mom dies of a heroin overdose, he’s sent to live with his grandmother Janine, and uncles. Sure she seems affectionate enough, but that might be an act. Unfortunately, Janine is the matriarch of the Melbourne crime family that specializes in armed robbery with one uncle doing some drug dealing on the side as well as carries an utterly ruthless streak. Joshua’s uncles let him learn the ropes of the family business, yet this leads to his girlfriend Nicky getting killed by one of them, just to keep her silent. Joshua calls the cops which results in two of his uncles’ arrested and jailed. Now Janine tries to get her two remaining sons out of jail by basically arranging her grandson to be killed if he ever dares to testify. So by the end of the movie, she has two sons dead, one in a catatonic state, and a grandson utterly morally conflicted, corrupted, and devastated. Still, when it comes to crime matriarchs, she’s one of the most frightening. Also, may love her sons in a way that’s off-putting.
20. Lilly Dillon

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From: The Grifters
The Problem: While her old man played the dad from hell in Chinatown, Anjelica Huston takes as a veteran con woman who comes bursting into her estranged son Roy’s life with the violence and passion of an ex-lover. And let me tell you, Lilly and Roy have a very interesting relationship possibly akin to Oedipus Rex. Sure she had him at 14 and gave him up for adoption but you’d probably think their relationship should’ve ended there. Then again could she just be motivate by just plain hatred? Yet, by the end of the day, there’s nothing more important to Lilly than mama’s little boy, except maybe expanding mama’s little bank account. Yet, she always reminds her son that he’s not good enough for anything, even being a lousy crook. Still, this doesn’t stop her from trying to seduce him, slitting his throat, stealing all his money, and leaving him bleed to death.
21. Monica Swinton
From: A. I. Artificial Intelligence
The Problem: Now I know it’s hard when your kid falls into a coma. And I can see why any parent would want a “replacement” child even if it’s a robot. But even if your real kid is cured, there’s no excuse for any mother her to abandon her android kid in the woods who’s been “courting” to win her love. Now robot child or not, what Monica Swinton did was just cruel.
22. Corrine Dollaganger

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From: Flowers in the Attic
The Problem: Sure the Dollagangers may seem like a perfect family from the outside. But when Chris is killed on the night of his 36th birthday and the Dollagangers find themselves in financial ruin, Corrine resolves to visit her childhood home Foxworth Hall, home of her old man who disinherited her over her marriage (to her uncle, no doubt). However, she’s so determined to win back the inheritance and get back into her family’s good graces that she’s willing to let her mother put her four kids in an attic for extra space to live and play until the old man croaks, where they’re locked in for years and endure all kinds of abuse. Of course, once Corrine gets a taste of the good life again floors below, she just doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the kids and remarries. Also,tries to slowly poison her kids so she could get to her dad’s money faster through arsenic, which causes her younger son’s death. Somebody please call child services immediately for this woman belongs in jail. For God’s sake, why can’t this woman avoid all this devastation and just get herself a job? Would’ve made things a lot easier.
23. Gracie Stewart

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From: The Others
The Problem: Well, at first she seems like a devoted protector who shields her two light-sensitive children in an isolated Jersey mansion just after World War II. But is she ill or is she just manipulative? Some things just don’t add up right. Mr. Stewart went to war and never returned, servants keep leaving, and the house is full of ghosts. Also, as a devout Catholic, tells her kids stories about the undead in eternal limbo. It turns out that Gracie went crazy and killed her kids before offing herself so basically her children would never grow up, tragically. Still, might be a horror movie I’d want to watch since it got critical acclaim and doesn’t seem to fit in the slasher category.
24. Alex Goran

Vera Farmiga
From: Up in the Air
The Problem: I have absolutely no problem with working moms but I do have a problem with parents being away for days and cheating on their spouses (as well as leading their lovers on like attending a family wedding with them). Now we don’t know that she’s a mother until the end when downsizer Ryan Bingham goes to see her in Chicago, which just totally devastates him. But it really tells a lot about her as a person since we’ve seen her during most of the movie in her jet-setting corporate lifestyle and sleeping around with George Clooney. Now sleeping around in the corporate world is one thing, but spending most of your time engaging in a secret lifestyle on the road just makes Jack Lemmon’s bosses on The Apartment seem like shining beacons of fatherhood (though Alex would find good company among these assholes). And what makes it worse is how likeable she seems beforehand as if she’s the missing cog that would make Ryan’s life complete, but at least he was the one to find out. I expect a scene of her kids’ discovery of her activities almost unravel like that one scene with Biff finding Willy with his pants down in Death of a Salesman. Because even though Ryan was broken enough by what he saw, just imagine how devastated her kids would be if they saw their mom banging him. Nevertheless, Alex is a very selfish woman who puts her own immediate desires before her family’s or anyone else’s and basically deceives everybody in the process. I know double standards may be in play here (seeing that a lot of guys do the same thing like Willy Loman), but I just can’t see any reason not to include Alex Goran on the list.
25. Gladys Leeman

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From: Drop Dead Gorgeous
The Problem: Now there’s nothing wrong with being ambitious or wanting the best for your child. And if there’s a way you can do this while correcting the mistakes you made in your life, then fine, but up to a point. However, Gladys is on the list for two things. For one, she enters her daughter in a child beauty pageant, which is already bad parenting for obvious reasons (well, it involves teens, but still it’s bad). Yet, you can let that slide since Gladys herself was once a beauty queen in a child pageant herself so that habit probably runs in the family. Second, Gladys is willing to have her little Rebecca win the pageant through any means necessary even if it means taking out the competition. And by “taking out the competition,” I mean bribing and hiring all the judges (of which Gladys happens to be head), having one of the contestants killed via exploding tractor, and attempting several other murders like blowing up a trailer and making a girl deaf by dropping a stage light on her. Sort of makes Toddlers & Tiaras seem like Sesame Street in comparison. And what’s worse, Rebecca is basically devoid of any real talent (basically serenading a Jesus on wheels with “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”). If Rebecca had won, one only has to assume what kind of self-entitled bitch she’d turn out to be perhaps like Veruca Salt. Still, in her beauty pageants, the competition is deadly–literally.
26. Miranda Hillard
From: Mrs. Doubtfire
The Problem: Sally Field has been known for playing great mothers like Mrs. Gump, Norma Rae, and the mom in Places of the Heart. Unfortunately, Miranda Hillard doesn’t really measure up to that since she hires a nanny to look after her three children. Now we all know it’s really her ex-husband in disguise but come on, she should’ve known (even if Daniel was a talented voice actor with a makeup artist brother). I mean she’s been married to him for at least over fifteen years (assuming the 14-year-old was conceived legitimately). Still, being unable to recognize your ex-husband through a guise of an old Scottish nanny is a clear case of negligence, which means she shouldn’t have been granted sole custody if she wasn’t willing to properly investigate someone she planned to hire to care for her children.
27. Alice Ecklund Ward

Melissa Leo in The Fighter
From: The Fighter
The Problem: This is the role that earned Melissa Leo the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, in which she dropped the f-bomb in her acceptance speech. Now Micky Ward spent a lifetime of battling dysfunctional family members as beefy boxers. And boxing ring stage mother Alice is no exception. A fierce creature in spandex, peroxide, and shiny red daggers for nails, she’s a vengeful goddess who wields her maternal power by expecting too much from one son and not enough from the other who’s a crack addict and a crook, no less. This leads to her son Micky to take a vicious beating in a mismanaged fight that could’ve ended his life, let alone career. Sure it can be hard for any mother to admit that she’s severely misjudged her own children (take Mildred Pierce, for example). But she takes this to Adam Trask levels and beyond, with worse results. Micky must’ve been a saint to put up with her as long as he did.
28. Ruth Dewitt Bukater
From: Titanic (1997)
The Problem: Now I know what she does is quite normal for a woman for 1912, but still, she’s a real piece of work. Sure she used to be very wealthy and has no skills or desire for work but that doesn’t mean anything. For one, she’s a completely selfish woman who expects her daughter Rose to fix all the family’s problems instead of doing what she wants. And this means marrying a guy filthy rich turd named Caledon Hockley who’s proposed to Rose and the wedding is imminent by the time of the voyage. Nevertheless, it’s very clear that Rose doesn’t want to marry this guy but sees no way out of the ordeal that she throws herself overboard. Still, Ruth cares nothing about what Rose wants from life and is so determined to be rich again that she’d sacrifice her daughter’s happiness for a silver spoon. Though I can understand her being against her daughter being involved with a homeless bum, I don’t see why Ruth can just marry Rose off to some other rich guy than Cal, at least one who doesn’t shoot people when the ship sinks. Thankfully, the iceberg puts a huge dent in the wedding plans.
29. Ma Jarrett

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From: White Heat
The Problem: Sure Arthur “Cody” Jarrett is a very violent and mentally unstable criminal and it’s understandable why almost everyone in his gang and even his own wife is afraid of him. Yet, despite his self-image as a tough leader of crime-loving thugs, you also have his intimidating mother “Ma” Jarrett who really runs things for the gang as she’s the only one who could keep him from going full sociopath as well as keep him sane. However, she’s also barking in Cody’s ear and encouraging him to commit all kinds of awful offenses (like killing his wife and the second-in-command who’s screwing her). Not to mention, she knows his dad died in a madhouse but does nothing to ensure Cody would end up the same way (well, he does go to prison but that’s not much better). Surely one of the nastiest old ladies in movie history as well as a mother who’d go to great lengths to protect her batshit crazy son with even less fear than he. It’s hard to tell which one is scarier. Sure Cody may be a complete psycho but I cringe when I see Ma Jarrett discover that “Big Ed” Somers and Verna aren’t just having an affair but also plan to kill Cody Jarrett as well. Is it any wonder she had to go?
30. Miss Havisham

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From: Great Expectations
The Problem: Charles Dickens was known to create relatively decent moms save this one. Yet, as far as adoptive mothers go, Miss Havisham is about the worst among them in film, second to only Joan Crawford. Now by the look of her, you can tell that Miss Havisham has never gotten over being left at the altar as a young bride. Sure she adopts an orphan girl named Estella in hopes to save her from a world of misery. But what she really wants is revenge and she’s not above stealing Estella’s heart and putting ice in its place to do it as well ruin her chances for a normal life. Yet, Estella isn’t the only one of her victims in her cruel and self-serving game of chess with a number of people’s lives in an effort to the aching gap in her own decrypted heart. Oh, Miss Havisham, why couldn’t you let Pip marry Estella? Also, maybe it’s time you need to get over being jilted on your wedding day, seriously. Nevertheless, Miss Havisham does see the error in her ways but she ends up a suicidal wreck in the process.

Bad Movie Fathers

I haven’t written a post for a while with the holidays, work, and the fact Christmas being over gives me a bit of a writer’s block on what posts to write next. Of course, part of the reason why I did a few posts on mythology last January is because I couldn’t think of anything else. And I really can’t think up much for New Years either. Still, growing up we’ve all had to put up with parents as well as their constant demands on us such as clean our rooms. And yes, they do embarrass us a lot as well. Now as far as fathers go, Hollywood has a wide range of them from complete and incompetent idiots to patriarchs that embody the moral virtues of society. However, this post doesn’t really focus on the great dads like Atticus Finch, Mufasa, Gru, or George Bailey nor the silly dads like Clark Griswold or Homer Simpson. Nor does it pertain to a lot of absentee fathers since they’re not around a lot and/or may not know they have kids. After all, that’s still possible. Nevertheless, for those who’ve grown up with a father who’s spend your childhood embarrassing you over the holidays or makes you do certain things like go on hunting and fishing trips, remember that at least you haven’t had to deal with these movie dads I list here. And let’s just say, I’ve also included stepfathers as well since they basically have to live with the kiddies, too. So without further adieu, here are some of the worst movie dads you can be glad aren’t yours.

1. Captain Vidal

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From: Pan’s Labyrinth
The Problem: If there’s any guy I’d nominate for the “Worst Dad Ever,” it would be him. Sure he’s only a stepfather, but I’m sure nobody in their right mind would want to have kids with him. Let’s just say that the best things about him are that he has a job he’s good at, is very personable and charismatic, is handsome, wants kids, and isn’t a pedophile. Yet, the list just ends there. Now Captain Vidal is probably one of the vilest characters I’ve ever seen on film. Vidal is a Fascist Captain in Spain who basically married to Ofelia’s mother, Carmen, just so she could provide him a son he wants so badly. And once the kid’s born, he’s basically the only person he basically cares about, well, in terms of survival, that is (after all, he has a legacy to preserve). From the moment we see Vidal, he comes off as an unpleasant man yet you might think he may have a softer side somewhere. Of course, he’s not too keen with Ofelia going on her fairy tale quests yet neither is her mother (then again, she might be afraid of him, too). Yet, this man shows his nastiness when a father and son poacher team is brought to him in the dead of night. Suspecting them rebels of the Franco regime, instead of searching their stuff (which would be sensible), Vidal just beats the son with a bottle and shoots them both in a mixture of boredom and pleasure. And while they’re found innocent later, Vidal just tells his men to be more careful next time. He also tortures a rebel with a horrible stutter later on, after cheerfully showing him his torture instruments and offering to let him go if he could count to three. He fails. Meanwhile it’s very clear that his wife is going through a particularly difficult pregnancy yet he shows no possible concern over her possible death in childbirth. Not only that, but when his wife’s doctor puts the stuttering torture victim out of his misery, Vidal shoots him in cold blood. This is the main reason why Carmen dies in childbirth. Oh, and when Ofelia tries to rescue her baby brother, Vidal basically shoots her dead. And for all his actions, he shows absolutely no remorse whatsoever. Forget the fantastical monsters, the scariest thing in this movie you’ll remember is this guy.
2. Rev. Harry Powell

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From: The Night of the Hunter
The Problem: Runner-up in the nominations for “Most Evil Stepfather Award” is perhaps Robert Mitchum’s best known character (well, one of them) in one of the scariest suspense-horror thrillers in history. Sure Powell may be a man of God, but let’s not kid ourselves, deep down he’s as evil incarnate as the Devil himself. Like Vidal, he’s quite handsome and charming (as well as a great singing voice). Still, while Vidal marries a woman to give him a son, he marries women for their money so he could get his hands on the cash when he kills them (he tells God this in the beginning, by the way. Also, hates women and thinks he’s doing God’s work). Of course, when he gets out of prison (after a conversation with a bank robber about to be executed on double homicide charges), Powell wastes no time wooing the guy’s widow Willa Harper just because he thinks her children know where the stolen money was hidden (he’s right). Yet, while he could charm almost everyone in town, it’s apparent that John sees right through him and doesn’t trust Powell at all. Sure John may put his real dad on the pedestal who basically fucked up his childhood and made him distrust cops, but compared to Powell, Ben Harper is basically a saint (and being a bank robber who killed two people, that’s saying a lot). However, Willa marries Powell anyway who not only won’t have sex with her and basically brainwashes her, which really makes life hell for her and her two children. When Willa overhears her husband asking the children for the money, he slits her throat, puts her in a car, and dumps her in the river. Then, to get the kids to tell him where the money is, he threatens to cut off John’s fingers, one by one, in front of the very young Pearl. And when he discovers the money in Pearl’s doll (this by threatening their lives), well, John basically grabs Pearl and makes a run for it up the river. Yet, Powell just ruthlessly pursues them with these children basically lucking out when they reach for Rachel Cooper’s place. Let’s just say that Robert Mitchum singing, “Leaning on the Everlasting Light” is guaranteed to send chills up your spine. Beware of preachers with the knuckle tattoos of “LOVE” and “HATE” on their hands.
3. Noah Cross

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From: Chinatown
The Problem: Finally, our first biological father on the list and played by none other than John Huston, one of the most legendary Hollywood film directors, father of Angelica and Danny, son of Walter, and grandfather of Jack who played Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire. I mean this guy has a lot of movies to his name as well as Hollywood relations. Still, in Huston’s final performance, he perhaps plays one of the vilest men onscreen as none other than charming tycoon, Noah Cross who only cares about accumulating as much money and power as possible. So to get support for his new reservoir project, he basically dumps thousands of gallons of water during an LA drought that basically dries up the San Fernando Valley. He also poison their wells and blows up water tanks to ruin the landowners’ property values so they could sell it to them cheap. Yet, when his son-in-law and Water Commissioner Hollis Mulrway refuses to go along with the plan since he thinks the valley is geologically unstable and doesn’t want to get 500 people killed (like what happened in the dam project), Noah still presses him. And when Hollis discovers his father-in-law’s crimes and conspiracy, Noah has him drowned in a tide pool. Now this alone could just put Noah on the list since it’s very clear that his daughter Evelyn and Hollis had rather happy marriage (well, he was a saint compared to her old man anyway. Then again, you can say that about anybody). However, the most disgusting thing Noah Cross committed was raping Evelyn when she was 15 years old, which traumatized her for life as well as resulted in another daughter, Katherine. Now his secondary goal in the film is taking possession of his “granddaughter” and subjecting her to the same abuse (and ultimately succeeds). Yet, despite all this, Cross says he doesn’t blame himself for his actions mostly out his beliefs that men are capable of anything under the right circumstances, ignorant that this is only true for men like him.
4. Darth Vader (a. k. a. Anakin Skywalker)

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From: The Star Wars Saga
The Problem: One of the most famous examples on this list. Darth Vader’s dark days of fatherhood begin long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, when he turns to the dark side and indirectly causes Padme Amidala’s childbirth death from a broken heart as well as their twins being separated from birth in the care of relatives and given up for adoption, which creates a really awkward situation later on (yes, Luke kissed his sister). Years later, he captures a rebel base with his daughter Princess Leia on it, blows up her planet and everything with it before her very eyes, and has her scheduled for execution. Luckily, his Imperial Stormtroopers didn’t find the droids they’re looking for though his son’s aunt and uncle are killed in the hunt. Later on, Vader has Leia captured again at the Cloud City planet as well as has her boyfriend frozen in carbonite and given to a bounty hunter for Jabba the Hutt. Oh, and he cuts off his son’s hand in a climatic lightsaber fight before revealing those earth shattering words, “No, Luke, I am your father” which makes Luke understandably horrified. Also, asks him to join in the family business or die. Sure he brings balance to the Force and overthrows Emperor Sidious just to save Luke’s life but still, his parenting seems to fit squarely on the Dark Side.
5. Daniel Hillard (a.k.a. Mrs. Doubtfire)

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From: Mrs. Doubtfire
The Problem: Now I totally understand why any divorced dad would wish to spend more time with his kids, especially if he’s the non-custodial parent. However, applying to be their nanny while impersonating an elderly Scottish woman isn’t a good idea, even if he’s a great cook and keeps the place spotless. Seriously, the scene of seeing Mrs. Doubtfire in the bathroom was particularly disturbing. He also tries to destroy his ex-wife’s relationship with an old flame she just reconnected with. Though the movie paints him as a somewhat competent father, he could also seem like a creepily obsessed stalker. And in many ways, that kind of makes a seemingly light family comedy appear secretly terrifying.
6. Dad Meiks

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From: Frailty
The Problem: As far as religious nuts go, while you may debate about Rev. Powell’s possible devotion to the Almighty as sincere or not, Dad Meiks basically has a religious experience which drives him to go on a killing spree with his sons and plunging his family into turmoil. While one son totally buys into his dad’s bullshit, the other is torn between his dad and thinking the guy is nuts as well as thinks his dad and brother are killing innocent people. So when your dad comes to you one morning and tells you and your brother that they’re soldiers in a heavenly war and charged with destroying demons on earth, you might want to get him institutionalized, if not jailed. Also imprisons his son in a hole.
7. Victor Frankenstein

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From: Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein
The Problem: So you managed to create life from a collection of dead body parts, which means you’ll certainly be seen as a great scientific genius for generations. The bad news is that moments after observing the giant flailing, patchwork son, stronger and larger than most human beings, Frankenstein decides he’s a monster and abandons him by high tailing to his family estate. Sure Victor might’ve been a bit too unprepared for parenthood but still, experiment or not, the Creature is his kid who needs love and acceptance by the man who created him, which he doesn’t get. Also, has no idea of how to take responsibility of his Creation either, which also leads to unfortunate implications. Of course, this leads the Creature to become a twisted victim of circumstance as well as do horrible things and in lose everyone Victor ever loved (like his brother, fiancée, parents, best friend, etc.). It doesn’t help that everyone in town is understandably afraid the Creature, which really would’ve been averted if Victor just gave him a little love and affection he desperately wanted. Instead he vows to track him down and take revenge (as well as destroys the body of the Creature’s potential love interest). Maybe we shouldn’t label his Creation Frankenstein’s Monster, shall we?
8. Colonel Frank Fitts USMC

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From: American Beauty
The Problem: As played by Chris Cooper, this man is perhaps one of the most twisted fathers in movie history. Not only is he a self-hating homophobe, right-wing military type, and collector of Nazi memorabilia, he’s also incredibly verbally and physically abusive to his son Ricky. Whenever he’s not making homophobic comments like, “I’d rather you were dead, than be a fucking faggot!,” he’s beating the living shit out of him so he could raise him in his own image, has him committed to an institution for a couple years, and has him take drug tests regularly. Of course, you can easily see why poor Ricky has turned into such a creep who deals pot and stalks his neighbor Jane Burnham. And Frank tends to have a crush on Jane’s dad whom he shoots in the garage after Leslie rejects his advances.
9. Dwight Hansen

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From: This Boy’s Life
The Problem: Another stepfather on the list and played by Academy Award winner Robert DeNiro. However, out of the bad dads here, he’s the real life expy dad for once and boy, is he a force to be reckoned with. At first he seems respectable at least in the eyes of the eccentric Caroline Wolff who thinks she’s had it made with him since she always wants to settle down and find a decent man as well as provide a better home for herself and son Toby (Leonard DiCaprio). And it does seem that Dwight has an interest in raising Toby as his kid since he has children of his own. Unfortunately, he has a need to dominate everyone in his life, even if it’s through physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. Unsurprisingly, Dwight’s marriage to Caroline leads to several years of family dysfunction, which doesn’t go well for Toby. No wonder he wants to get out of Concrete. Still, the fact that some of Robert DeNiro played gangsters much more loveable than this guy really speaks volumes about him especially when he says, “Yeah, you pull that hot shot stuff around me, and I’ll break every bone in your goddamn body. You understand me? Yeah, you’re in for a change, mister, a whole ‘nother ball game.”
10. Humbert Humbert
From: Lolita
The Problem: For those not familiar with this famous work of literature, Humbert Humbert is a professor who moves into a house as a boarder to a Charlotte Haze, charms her with his eruditeness, and marries her. Of course, if you aren’t familiar with the story itself or pop culture, Humbert Humbert is a pedophile who has an obsession with pre-teen girls he refers to as nymphets. And the girl that has caught his eye here is Charlotte’s daughter Dolores or “Lolita” as we’re more familiar with. Now as long as Charlotte is in the picture, there’s not much H. H. can do other than detail his obsession with Lolita in his diary which his sex starved wife discovers and is understandably horrified. Yet, when Charlotte dies in a traffic accident, H. H. basically kidnaps and molests her which results in her childhood being utterly destroyed and her story never being heard. Also has a habit of hitting Lolita when she fails to please him sexually or otherwise. And the worst part is, he’s not the only one abusing her either.
11. Lucas Cross
From: Peyton Place
The Problem: Basically, this is a man who works as a school janitor and stepdad who should never be around children, or at least teenage girls. For one, he’s an alcoholic. Second and more importantly, it’s very apparent that his step children hate him and for good reason. The older brother basically skips town just to avoid him and Selena can’t stand being alone with him for fear that he’s making advances to her. And that one night she returns from the graduation dance with her boyfriend, Lucas rapes her. Now impregnated, Selena understandably seeks an abortion (which is illegal) but once Dr. Swain sees Lucas chasing her in revenge, he relents but has him sign a statement and instructs him to skip town. Not to mention, this also drives Lucas’ wife to hang herself in the Mackenzies’ closet. Nevertheless, Lucas returns to Peyton Place and tries to rape Selena again but she kills him and is subsequently arrested for his murder. If it weren’t for Dr. Swain coming to Selena’s defense (as well as giving her an abortion, though I doubt that a fall would’ve caused her to miscarry), Lucas would’ve succeeded in ruining his stepdaughter’s life.
12. Bill Maplewood

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From: Happiness
The Problem: Now this guy may seem like a perfectly normal and well-adjusted guy you’d be totally fine with coaching your son’s baseball team. He’s just a man in suburbia with a loving wife and a devoted son so totally okay? We see him masturbating to images of young boys in magazines similar to Tiger Beat and convincing his son to invite his friend over for a sleepover. He then proceeds to drug the boys’ snacks and has sex with his son’s friend. Also, fantasizes shooting and killing people as well. What’s even worse is this guy is very much content with being who he is and is willing to describe all the crimes he committed to his son in graphic detail. Maybe this guy should be on a sex offenders list, instead of coaching Little League. Yeah, guaranteed to give you the creeps.
13. Ed Wilson
From: Natural Born Killers
The Problem: If there’s any Rodney Dangerfield character in which he deserves no respect, then Ed Wilson is it. Sure a father might find it difficult letting his little girl go but his is taking it beyond the pale as well as complete scumbag who beats up his wife and sexually abuses his own daughter, Mallory when she’s clean and once the liquor haze has worn off and he’s looking for lovin.’ With a man so repugnant and so utterly lacking in the basic courtesies that you wonder how he’s managed to live so long without being stabbed, you can understand why Mallory hooked up with confirmed serial killer and decided to accompany him on a killing spree. Let’s just say, no tears were shed by audiences when mass-murderer Mickey Knox drown him in the family fish tank. Of course, that action makes Mickey seem like a hero. Of course, while his fate was very much deserved, the others weren’t.
14. Jerry Blake

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From: The Stepfather
The Problem: Basically this guy is a bluebeard serial killer as well as a disciple of the Rev. Harry Powell’s Guide to Love and Murder. Yet unlike the legendary Robert Mitchum villain, he’s obsessed with being a part of the perfect family, to such an extent that if his current family doesn’t live up to his expectations (or finds out), he kills them, absorbs their assets, and moves on to another. It’s no wonder that rich single moms tend to be a prime target for him. Still, avoid the man who thinks the knife is the best solution for any family problems. Still, a rather cheerful individual until he gets angry, then it’s just “Mack the Knife” from there (and I don’t mean the song Bobby Darin sang).
15. Royal Tenenbaum

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From: The Royal Tenenbaums
The Problem: Royal Tenenbaum may have great genes to produce a brood of geniuses but he’s still a failure as a father. He singles one son out as an obvious favorite, introduces his adopted daughter as his “adopted daughter,” as well as steals from, intentionally shoots, and gets sued by his other son. Not to mention, pushing his kids to greatness but he’s still disappointed in them. And to top it all off, he fakes having stomach cancer just so he could gain his kids’ sympathy and access to the family home. Oh, and he also tries to win back his ex-wife despite the fact that she’s with another man. Sure he may be redeemed by the end but his kids are still screwed up and it’s pretty much his fault.
16. Dan Gallagher

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From: Fatal Attraction
The Problem: When it comes to adultery, it takes two to tango. Yet, when Dan cheats on his wife with Alex Forrest and casts her aside, he risks putting his family in extreme danger since Alex doesn’t take rejection too well, to put it mildly. Now if Dan had just kept it in his pants while his wife and daughter were away, there would be no crazy ex-mistress stalking him, boiling his daughter’s bunny, kidnapping his daughter from her school, and trying to kill his wife. Remember guys, this is why adultery is bad.
17. Peter McAllister
From: Home Alone 1 and 2
The Problem: Sure both the McAllisters aren’t great parents when it comes to their son Kevin. Of course, they both often ignore him enough that they leave him home alone during the Christmas holidays. But when Kevin’s abandoned during Christmas, it’s usually Kate who does everything humanly possible to get to him, even if it’s traveling on the road with John Candy and his band. Peter, on the other hand, seems keener to watch It’s a Wonderful Life than search for his son as well as seems so nonchalant about the whole ordeal. Okay, so he has a lot of kids to keep an eye on. But some of them are teenagers and plus, his uncle and aunt live under the same roof as well. So it’s not like he’s desperate for a babysitter here.
18. Lester Burnham

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From: American Beauty
The Problem: Of course, Frank Fitts isn’t the only bad father from American Beauty. The other is of course, Leslie Burnham himself, a role which earned Kevin Spacey a second Oscar. Sure he’s a selfish hedonist who feels trapped in his dull suburban life and unhappy marriage with his real estate agent wife Carolyn. Yet, even so, he should at least have some decency to at least be a bit ashamed with his crush on his daughter Jane’s friend Angela. But, no, he just starts out a workout regimen in an attempt to seduce her. This understandably creates a rift between him and Jane as well as leads to her take someone up on an offer to kill him as he begins to withdraw from her. Too bad he can’t patch things up with her by the end though (for obvious reasons). At least Ricky’s pot may slow him down a bit.
19. Denethor

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From: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
The Problem: Even the ruling families on Middle Earth can have their problems and the Steward of Gondor’s is no exception. However, you have to feel bad for Faramir here. For one, by the time we meet them both, Denethor is already grieving from losing his favorite son and heir Boromir, basically making Faramir live in his older brother’s shadow. And if that weren’t enough he sends his son and some of the best fighters of Gondor into a battle he’d surely not just lose, but possibly perish. Yet, when Faramir returns barely alive, Denethor assumes he’s dead (despite Pippin’s repeated insistence that he’s not) as well as proceeds to put him on a stack of firewood, douse with oil, and burn him alive. Thanks to Pippin being there, at least Faramir was saved and able to seek the medical treatment he needed to fully recover and marry Eowyn (also from a dysfunctional royal family, at first). Yet, I’m sure having your dad burn you alive will put you in a lifetime of therapy or whatever equivalent they have on Middle Earth.
20. Glen Whitehouse
From: Affliction
The Problem: This role gave James Coburn an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Now with the baby boomers aging and people living longer than ever before, it’s very likely you’ll have to take care of an aging parent, especially if you’re a woman or live nearby (my dad took care of my Grandma C when I was little and my parents are running errands for my mother’s folks who live down the road from me). However, if your aging father was an abusive alcoholic, let’s say attempting a reconciliation with him will be very difficult to say the least. Yet, this is what Glenn’s son Wade tries to do. However, it was his relationship with Glenn that has infiltrated every relationship he’s ever had and acts as the lens from which he views and judges the world. Because of his dad, Wade respects some people as a pupil would to a master or he hates them and violently lashes out at them for disappointing him in holding his preconceived “high assessments” of him. Not to mention, Wade is very unstable, has a drinking problem, inability to control his anger, and a morally low view on himself. Let’s just say that Glenn’s bad parenting has really influenced how much of a bastard Wade turned out, to put it mildly.
21. Bob Ewell

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From: To Kill a Mockingbird
The Problem: While this movie is famous for featuring Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, who basically embodies practically everything a man should be (in my opinion), you can’t leave out Bob Ewell, who’s one of the most terrible dads ever. Sure he’s a racist and impoverished hick but you can say the same about a lot of the townspeople who at least try to be responsible for their families. Ewell doesn’t seem to have the least concern for his kids and doesn’t even send them to school (they only come the first day and leave), which suggests that some form of neglect or social isolation is at play (explaining why Mayella has no friends). And it’s apparent that Ewell at least physically and emotionally abuses her more than any of his other kids. He makes his daughter’s life a complete hell and leaves her desperate for friends so it’s no surprise that she develops feelings for a black man who felt sorry for her. When Ewell saw his daughter make advances to an unwilling Tom, he beats her up and gets Robinson arrested on rape charges. Now we all know that Atticus Finch points out that Tom Robinson is incapable of laying a finger on Mayella because all her bruises indicate she was struck by someone left-handed (like Bob Ewell). And Robinson can’t use his left hand due to a childhood accident. Yet, Robinson gets convicted by an all-white-jury anyway due to racism. However, outraged at Atticus making him look like a fool, he stalks Robinson’s wife and goes after the Finch kids in the dead of night in revenge. Thank God, Boo Radley stabbed him in the end.
22. Adam Trask

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From: East of Eden
The Problem: Now Adam Trask isn’t the worst father on the list or a terrible parent at that. After all, he did raise his twin sons while his wife Kate just disappeared without a trace before turning up in Salinas as a brothel owner. Still, he’s on the list for one thing: excessive favoritism which really hurts both his sons’ well-being if you think about it. Now in the movie, it’s said that Aron is the good son while Cal is the bad son. Except that when you really get to know Cal, it’s really not the case (and may even be the opposite). Nevertheless, this doesn’t stop Adam from emotionally abusing him behind a guise of religious hypocrisy or at least refusing to acknowledge his worth as a person. Sure Cal may be a troublemaker but he’s a smart guy who craves for fatherly love and affection as well as sets up a bean growing enterprise to save his family farm after Adam’s disaster with the cabbages. Yet, no matter what Cal does for his dad, Adam always seems to see him as nothing but a piece of shit who’d never amount to anything while he sees Aron as almost incapable of anything bad. Adam’s conduct to his sons at the birthday party scene just appalls me, especially when he praises Aron for getting “engaged” to Abra (despite not proposing to her first) while basically deriding Cal for war profiteering even though he did practically everything he could to save his ass. And to make matters worse, Adam has lied to his twin boys all their lives about their mother being in heaven. This drives Aron in shock that he gets drunk and joins the army when he finds out the truth about Kate. Sure you might blame it on Cal, but if Adam hadn’t lied to them or put him on a pedestal, Aron probably would’ve been better able to handle it.
23. Thomas Jefferson

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From: Jefferson in Paris
The Problem: I know he’s a Founding Father, US president, and wrote the Declaration of Independence. However, as a parent, he didn’t treat his children equally as well as discriminated them on the basis of color. Sure his two surviving daughters by his dead wife might get the best education a Virginia plantation upbringing can offer them. Yet, we need to accept that Jefferson was a slave owner who fathered children with his slave, Sally Hemings (the first when she was 15 years old). Now while Jefferson did eventually free most of Hemings’ children (and his daughter freed Hemings), this doesn’t disprove the fact that Jefferson spent most of these kids’ early lives treating them like his property as well as viewed them socially inferior to his white children (the former might not be absolutely true but the latter was). Makes him kind of a hypocrite if you really think about it. Still, the concept of planters fathering children with slaves was a very common practice (since it explains the fact most African Americans have at least one white ancestor. Any time Henry Louis Gates does an African American’s genealogy, this always comes up).
24. Kevin Flynn

TRON: LEGACY
From: TRON: Legacy
The Problem: I don’t know about you, but I think this guy makes the dad in “Cats in the Cradle” seem like the dad in “Watching Scotty Grow.” Sure the guy is the CEO of a video game company and does his work in the game world. However, unlike most guys in the video game industry, Kevin abandoned his wife and son for twenty years just to be in a world of his own creation. Then one day, he sends his son a mysterious message from out of the blue telling him to go into the Grid. This, to get him out of a jam. I know that Sam kind of puts his dad on a pedestal and understands his dad’s obligation to the virtual world. But still, I don’t think disappearing into a virtual world for twenty years while having a wife and kid at home is a great example of responsible parenting to say the least. In fact, I’d either take Flynn as a workaholic or just plain selfish.
25. Harry Wormwood

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From: Matilda
The Problem: Of course, you have to hand it to Roald Dahl to create some of the worst parents in children’s literature, especially in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Now Harry fits to the stereotype of used car salesman to a tee and has a personality of one to boot. Of course, being a couch potato who doesn’t have any books in his house, he’s pretty horrible to his precocious daughter Matilda whom he ignores for much of her young life. That is, before packing her off to the elementary school of hell (you know, the one with Principal Trunchbull and the “chokey”), but has no qualms about the school’s disciplinary measures there (even though he should). And if that wasn’t bad enough, he jumps at the chance of disowning Matilda altogether when her kindhearted teacher offers to take her off his hands. Sure it’s a better life, but still pretty brutal that he does it without bearing a second thought.
26. Mr. Perry

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From: Dead Poets Society
The Problem: Now there are plenty of fathers in movies who may disagree with their children’s chosen path in life, particularly if it contrast to the profession they’d want their kids to be. Yet, at least most of these dads come to accept their kid’s ambitions like in October Sky or Billy Elliot. Mr. Perry isn’t one of these dads. Played by Red Foreman from That 70s Show, Mr. Perry is domineering and controlling parent who’d want nothing more than to see his son Neil go to medical school and become a doctor (which he’s willing to do and gets straight A’s). He doesn’t care what Neil wants for himself and shows absolutely no interest in what he wants to do with his life. So when he sees Neil as Puck in a local production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, you’d think Mr. Perry would finally see that his son has talent and would finally support Neil’s acting dream. Yet, this isn’t what Mr. Perry does. Instead, he goes utterly ballistic and has Neil transferred to military school. However, Neil kills himself before he could be shipped out. Now it’s very clear that Mr. Perry’s crushing Neil’s dreams and emotional abuse were what led to his son’s suicide. But, he certainly doesn’t try to consider the idea and blames his son’s death on his teacher Mr. Keating. This gets Keating fired. Bastard. Would it be any trouble for him if he’d just let Neil do community theater? Worked out for Graham Chapman.
27. Richard Detmer
From: Chronicle
The Problem: Andrew Detmer doesn’t have a great life at home or at school. He’s bullied at school, his mother’s dying of cancer, his home is a dump, his family is struggling and his dad is basically a drunk who uses him as punching bag to take out all his family’s frustrations. Yet, it doesn’t seem that Richard does anything to relieve his family’s financial stress or get his wife the treatment she needs. And in fact, despite deeply caring for his wife, he’s basically the sole reason why she can’t get any treatment since most of the money coming into the house tends to go to his booze. Yet, Richard doesn’t seem to realize that he has a drinking problem and blames everything on his son. He calls Andrew selfish for keeping an expensive camera (which his cousin gave him as a gift) as well as ransacks his room. And when his wife dies, Richard blames Andrew for it as well. For having a father like that, it’s no surprise Andrew’s superpowers became so destructive as they did.
28. Wayne Szalinski

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From: Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid, and Honey We Shrunk Ourselves
The Problem: While many mad scientist parents can be quite terrible parents, yet Wayne has no problem with loving his children. However, he’s on this list for a reason and that is because he’s such a careless buffoon with his inventions around the house. I mean having an electromagnetic shrink ray in his attic while leaving the door unlocked basically puts his and the neighbors’ kids fighting for their lives when they accidentally wander in it and afterwards, have to band together to survive. And that doesn’t even mention unwittingly throwing the kids in the trash, having them fend for themselves against insects, a lawnmower, a cat, and a lawn sprinkler system, and having one of them almost get eaten in the cereal. Any sane person living nearby would call child services. Of course, even when he tries to make things right again, he somehow blows up his baby in one of the sequels.
29. Lt. Col. Wilbur ‘Bull’ Meechum, USMC

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From: The Great Santini
The Problem: Now my father is a former military brat (since he was born in Germany and spent some time in New Mexico), but the only way his father ran his family like a military camp was have them “confined to quarters” if he or his brother did anything bad (as far as I’ve heard from him). This guy, kind of goes beyond that. Sure he may be seen as a great Marine flying ace but he’s also an alcoholic and a failure as a dad. He’s fairly abusive to his teenage basketball star son Ben, whom he derides with, “Hey, hey, mama’s boy! Bet’cher gonna cry. Gonna cry? Let’s see you cry. Cry, sport, cry.” He has no idea how to be supportive and would rather be competitive and hold his son back even if it means humiliating him through unnecessary physical tactics. Oh, and gets his son ejected by telling him to get even with a boy from the other team. Not the kind of parent you’d want to see at your kids’ sporting events.
30. Allie Fox

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From: The Mosquito Coast
The Problem: If your dad forced you and his family to move to a faraway place, at least he didn’t say that America has perished in a nuclear holocaust and drag your family to the jungles of Belize to build a refrigeration machine so his talents can be appreciated. Yes, Allie Fox justifies the move saying that most people in the developed world have refrigerators and air conditioners. But as an engineer specializing in refrigeration technology, he doesn’t seem to respect the joy that these appliances eventually get old and break down (like any other thing you buy) and that Americans will always be hungry for the next big breakthrough in technology, which created a type of consumerism that made Steve Jobs a national treasure. But, no, being the Steve Jobs of refrigeration isn’t enough for Allie so he has to pack up his family to the Central American rainforests and attempt to construct a utopian society. And the guy cares much more for his unrealistic and ultimately doomed utopia that he manipulates his family with lies about the US being destroyed by nuclear war so he could force them to live in his unhealthy and unrealistic do-it-yourself survivalist fantasy. Unsurprisingly, his megalomania puts his family in extreme danger. Next time your dad forces you to go on a weekend camping trip, be glad he’s not this guy.

Dawning Now Our Day of Peril and other Christmas Mondegreens

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I’m sure we’ve all had made the same mistake whenever a song plays on and you sing to the words you think you’re hearing but you’re not. Sometimes this is apparent such as thinking that Bennie had electric boobs in “Bennie and the Jets,” other times, not so much. This term is known as a mondegreen coined by an American Harper’s Magazine writer named Sylvia Wright in November 1954. It was inspired by a misinterpretation of a 17th century Scottish ballad called “The Bonnie Earl o Moray” in which she writes:

“When I was a child, my mother used to read aloud to me from Percy’s Reliques, and one of my favorite poems began, as I remember:

Ye Highlands and ye Lowlands,
Oh, where hae ye been?
They hae slain the Earl o’ Moray,
And Lady Mondegreen.”

The fourth line was actually, “and laid him on the green,” so we don’t have to worry about Lady Mondegreen being murdered with the Earl of Moray or a double homicide in that matter. However, we’ve all done it a lot of times in our lives, and in the realm of Christmas carols and songs is no exception. Some of the following are from kids and some aren’t. Some of these songs are yuletide favorites, while others come from songs you’ve never heard before or in years. So without further adieu, here are some yuletide carol examples of people getting the words wrong in songs. Most of these are from the archive known as Kiss This Guy by the way, inspired from a mishearing from a Jimi Hendrix song, “Purple Haze.”

1. Burl Ives, “Have a Holly-Jolly Christmas”
Lyric: “Ho ho the mistletoe, a-hung where you can see”
Misheard as: “Ho ho the missing toe, a hunger you can see”

2. “The First Noel”
Lyric: “Born is the King of Israel”
Misheard as: “Born is the king or is Dryel”

3. “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”
Lyric: “Now bring us some figgy pudding”
Misheard as: “Check your p***y”
Comment: This came from a 6-year-old boy who honestly thought those were the words from the song.

4. Jose Feliciano, “Feliz Navidad”
Lyric: “Feliz Navidad”
Misheard as: “Fuzzy Snotty Duck”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “We asked our children their favorite Christmas song and when it was the youngest’s turn he didn’t know the name so said repeatedly, “Fuzzy, Snotty Duck. Fuzzy Snotty Duck.” To his frustration, for days, we had no idea what song it was until it came on the radio and he screamed, “Fuzzy Snotty Duck!””

5. Band Aid, “Do They Know It’s Christmas Time”
Lyric: “The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life”
Misheard as: “The only gift they’ll get this year is flies”

6. “Silent Night”
Lyric: “Holy infant so tender and mild”
Misheard as: “Holy imbecile, tender and mild”

7. “Deck the Halls”
Lyric: “Donning now our gay apparel”
Misheard as: “Dawning now our day of peril”

8. “Carol of the Bells”
Lyric: “Merry Merry Merry Merry Merry Christmas”
Misheard as: “Hari Hari Hari Hari Hari Krishna”

9. “Frosty the Snowman”
Lyric: “With a corncob pipe and a button nose”
Misheard as: “With a corncob pipe and a butt and nose”

10. “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”
Lyric: “God and sinners reconciled”
Misheard as: “God and sinners wrecked in style”

11. “The Holly and the Ivy”
Lyric: “O the rising of the sun/And the running of the deer”
Misheard as: “O the rising of the South/And running the John Deeres”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I don’t think they’re singing about Southerners cutting their grass…”

12. “Jingle Bells”
Lyric: “Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one horse open sleigh”
Misheard as: “Oh what fun it is to ride/In a one whore soap and sleigh”
Comment: Person was 10 years old at the time.

13. “Little Drummer Boy”
Lyric: “I am a poor boy too”
Misheard as: “I am a four by two”

14. “O Come All Ye Faithful”
Lyric: O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/Christ, the Lord”
Misheard as: “O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/O come, let us adore Him,/Christ, the door”

15. “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Lyric: “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer/had a very shiny nose./And if you ever saw him,/you would even say it glows.”
Misheard as: “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer/had a very shiny nose./And if you ever saw him,/He would take off all his clothes.”

16. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
Lyric: “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”
Misheard as: “He’ll seize you when you’re sleeping…”

17. “O Tannenbaum”
Lyric: “O Tannenbaum O Tannenbaum”
Misheard as: “O cannonball O cannonball”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “When I asked my classmates at the choral singing contest why the hell someone would want to write a song about a cannonball and sing it at Christmas.” Person was 10 at the time.

18. “Up on the Housetop”
Lyric: “Ho ho ho! Who wouldn’t go”
Misheard as: “Ho ho ho! School wouldn’t know”

19. “Winter Wonderland”
Lyric: “In the meadow we can build a snowman, we”l pretend that he is Parson Brown”
Misheard as: “In the ghetto we can build a snowman, we’ll pretend that he is partly blind”

20. Dave Matthews Band, “Christmas Song”
Lyric: “When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree/Said, ‘Oh, Daddy-o, I can see how it all soon will be’.”
Misheard as: “When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree/Said, ‘Oh, Daddy-o, I can see my house from here’.”

21. The Tractors, “Mary’s Baby”
Lyric: “Mary’s Baby, Son of Man”
Misheard as: “Mary’s baby, Son of Sam”
Comment: Son of Sam is the name of a well-known
New York area serial killer from the 1970s.

22. Myra, “Christmas Isn’t Christmas (Since You Said Goodbye)”
Lyric: “I’ve been asked to lots of parties/To celebrate the season.”
Misheard as: “I’ve bent ass to lots of potties/To celebrate the season.”

23. “I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day”
Lyric: “The belfries of all Christendom”
Misheard as: “The bell frees up all prison scum.”

24. “Lo, How A Rose E’er Blooming”
Lyric: “With Mary, we behold it, the Virgin Mother kind/To show God’s love aright/She bore to men a Savior/When half-spent was the night.”
Misheard as: “With Mary we behold it, the Virgin Mother kind/To show God’s love a riot/She farted in the manger/One hellbent Wednesday night.”

25. Nat King Cole, “The Christmas Song”
Lyric: “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire”
Misheard as: “Jeff’s nuts roasting on an open fire”

26. “Good King Wenceslas”
Lyric: “Good King Wenceslas looked out/On the feast of Stephen”
Misheard as: ” “Good King Wencelas’ car backed out,/On a piece of Steven”

27. “The Twelve Days of Christmas”
Lyric: “On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love sent to me:/Twelve drummers drumming,/Eleven pipers piping,/Ten lords a-leaping,/Nine ladies dancing,/Eight maids a-milking,/Seven swans a-swimming,/Six geese a-laying,/Five golden rings,/Four calling birds,/Three French hens,/Two turtle doves,/And a partridge in a pear tree.”
Misheard as: “On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My tulip sent to me:/Twelve drummers drumming,/Eleven pipers piping,/Ten lawyers leaving,/Nine lazy Hansons,/Eight maids a-milking,/Seven warts on women,/Six geezers laying,/Five golden rings,/Four calling birds,/Three French hens,/Two turtle doves,/And a cartridge in a pantry. ”

28. “We Three Kings of Orient Are”
Lyric: “We three kings of Orient are,/Bearing gifts we traverse afar.”
Misheard as: “We free kings of Oregon are,/Burying gifts we traverse afar.”

29. “While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks by Night”
Lyric: “While shepherds watched their flocks by night,/All seated on the ground,/The angel of the Lord came down,/And glory shone around. ”
Misheard as: “While shepherds washed their socks at night,/All seated on the ground,/The angel of the Lord came down,/And glory shone around.”

30. Bing Crosby, “White Christmas”
Lyric: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the ones I used to know./Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/To hear sleigh bells in the snow.”
Misheard as: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas,/Just like the wands I used to know./Where the treetops glisten,/And children listen,/To hear slave elves in the snow. ”

31. “Angels We Have Heard on High”
Lyric: “Gloria…In excelsis Deo!”
Misheard as: “Gloria…Estefan is gay, oh!”

32. “Away in a Manger”
Lyric: “The cattle are lowing,/The poor baby wakes./But little Lord Jesus,/No crying he makes”
Misheard as: “The cattle are glowing,/The poor baby shakes./But little Lord Jesus,/The crowd he does hate”

33. “Ding Dong Merrily on High”
Lyric: “May ye beautifully rhyme/Your evetime song, ye singers”
Misheard as: “May ye beautifully rhyme,/You endtime zombie singers”

34. Georg Fredrich Handel, “For Unto Us A Child Is Born” (from Handel’s’Messiah’)
Lyric: “For unto us a child is born/Unto us a Son is given.”
Misheard as: “Or unto us a chowder’s born/Unto us a sauna’s given.”

35. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”
Lyric: “O tidings of comfort and joy/Comfort and joy/O tidings of comfort and joy.”
Misheard as: “O Tide cleans like Comet and Joy/Comet and Joy/O Tide cleans like Comet and Joy.”

36. “Go Tell It on the Mountain”
Lyric: “Go tell it on the mountain”
Misheard as: “No telling on the mountain”

37. Paul and Paula, “The Happy Holiday”
Lyric: “Mistletoe means”
Misheard as: “Mistletoe meat”

38. John Lennon, “Happy Xmas (The War Is Over)”
Lyric: “For near and the dear ones”
Misheard as: “We’re here at the Pier One”

39. “Here Comes Santa Claus”
Lyric: “He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys for boys and girls again.”
Misheard as: “He’s got a bag that’s filled with toys for poison girls again.”

40. Brenda Lee, “I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus”
Lyric: “I’m gonna pull, pull, pull on his beard.”
Misheard as: “I’m gonna poop, poop, poop on his beard.”

41. “Joy to the World”
Lyric: “He rules the world with truth and grace/And makes the nations prove.”
Misheard as: “He rules the world with truth and grace/And makes the nations prudes.”

42. Wham!, “Last Christmas”
Lyric: “This year, to save me from tears/I gave it to someone special.”
Misheard as: “This year, to semi frontiers/I gave it to someone special.”

43. The Carpenters, “Little Jesus”
Lyric: “He will rock you”
Misheard as: “He will rob you”

44. Harry Belafonte,”Mary’s Boy Child”
Lyric: “A new King’s born today.”
Misheard as: “New kids’ porn today.”

45. Anne Murray, “No Room at the Inn”
Lyric: “The bellboy and the porter, the waitress and the cook/Will be witnessed walking in Heaven.”
Misheard as: “The bellboy and the porter, the waitress and the cook/Will be wintessed f***ing in Heaven.”

46. “O Come, O Come, Emanuel”
Lyric: “Rejoice!”
Misheard as: “Bring toys!”

47. “O Christmas Tree”
Lyric: “Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches”
Misheard as: “Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, how lovely are your britches”

48. “O Holy Night”
Lyric: “This is the night of the dear Savior’s birth”
Misheard as: “This is the night of the deerslayer’s birth”

49. “O Little Town of Bethlehem”
Lyric: “O little town of Bethlehem”
Misheard as: “O little town of Beckley-hem”

50. Orgy, “Santa’s Creepy Secret”
Lyric: “You’ll get your Christmas wish/When you sleep with the fish”
Misheard as: “Did you get your Christmas wish/Did you sleep with the bitch”

51. The Royal Guardsmen, “Snoopy’s Christmas”
Lyric: “And then with a roar they were both on their way/Each knowing they’d meet on some other day”
Misheard as: “And then with a roar they were both on their way/It’s snowin’ made meat on some other day.”

52. Elton John, “Step Into Christmas”
Lyric: “Step into Christmas/The admission is free.”
Misheard as: “September Christmas/Be a fish on a tree.”

53. How the Grinch Stole Christmas, “Welcome Christmas”
Lyric: “Fah who for-aze!/Dah who dor-aze!”
Misheard as: “Bathroom florist!/Bathroom florist!”

54. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Lyric: “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus”
Misheard as: “I saw Mommy killing Santa Claus”

55. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Lyric: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin’ home from our house Christmas Eve”
Misheard as: “Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin’ home from outhouse Christmas Eve”

56. “Sleigh Ride”
Lyric: “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, ‘You hoo!'”
Misheard as: “Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, ‘You fool!'”

57. Alvin and the Chipmunks, “Christmastime Is Here”
Lyric: “Time for joy and time for cheers”
Misheard as: “Time for boys and time for tears”

58. Paul McCartney, “A Wonderful Christmas Time”
Lyric: “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time”
Misheard as: “Disney’s having a wonderful Christmas time”
Comment: From Kiss This Guy: “I thought this song had been the soundtrack to a Disney Christmas special or had been the representation to every Walt Disney Christmas special that had ever been made. How wrong I was.”

59. Andy Williams, “Happy Holidays”
Lyric: “…Leave a peppermint stick for Old Saint Nick, hanging on the Christmas tree.”
Misheard as: “…Place a peppermint stick around your ***k, hanging for all to see.”

60. Brenda Lee, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”
Lyric: “Later we’ll have some pumpkin pie and we’ll do some caroling.”
Misheard as: “Maybe we’ll have some f**kin’ pie and we’ll shoot some cat or thing”

61. Mariah Carey, “All I Want for Christmas”
Lyric: “I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Misheard as: “I don’t want her, not for Christmas.”

62. The Beach Boys, “Little Saint Nick”
Lyric: “Merry Christmas Saint Nick”
Misheard as: “Merry Christmas Satan”

63. Hanson, “At Christmas”
Lyric: “Memories round the Christmas tree/Are the sweetest ones that remain with me”
Misheard as: “Memories round the Christmas tree/Are the sweetest swans that will mate with me”

64. Mariah Carey, “Oh! Santa”
Lyric: “Oh Santa!/I heard that it’s really gonna snow this year/So I hope Rudolph and them other 8 reindeer/Get you safely here”
Misheard as: “Oh Santa!/I heard that it’s really gonna snow this year/So I hope for a phantom of the ape reindeer/But you’re safely here”

65. Elvis Presley, “Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me”
Lyric: “Santa bring my baby back to me”
Misheard as: “Santa, break my leg, bring it back to me”

66. “The Wassail Song”
Lyric: “Here we come a-wassailing”
Misheard as: “Here we come a-waddling”

67. Andy Williams, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”
Lyric: “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”
Misheard as: “It’s the most wonderful time for a beer”

68. Coca-Cola “Holidays Are Coming”
Lyric: “Holidays are coming, holidays are coming, holidays are coming….
Misheard as: “Hurricanes a coming, hurricanes a coming, hurricanes a coming…”

69. N’SYNC, “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”
Lyric: “And all the blessings from above/God sends you His love”
Misheard as: “And all the blessings from above/Condoms you just love”

70. Judy Garland, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
Lyric: “Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore.”
Misheard as: “Here we are, as in olden days, happy golden rays, up yours.”