Top of the Morning with These Lucky Saint Patrick’s Day Craft Projects

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While I’m not the kind of person who goes all out for Saint Patrick’s Day, there are plenty of people who do. And yes, there are people who do put up Saint Patrick’s Day decorations like the person above. Nevertheless, when Saint Patrick’s Day rolls around, you can bet that plenty of grade school children will be doing some type of craft project on the holiday. Decorating motifs usually consist of shamrocks, leprechauns, pots of gold, a Celtic cross, booze, green stuff, rainbows, and other things. And while there are Saint Patrick’s Day decorations available in stores, there are some people tend to make on their own, which I’ve seen on Pinterest. However, sometimes it was hard for me to find some of the DIY decor since a lot of Saint Patrick’s Day craft projects are aimed for children. This doesn’t surprise me. Yet, it kind of frustrates me because the craft projects I usually show are aimed for adults and consist of stuff one can make but use forever. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you a treasure trove of craft projects for Saint Patty’s Day.

  1. Grace your front door with this shamrock wreath of green.
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Seems like you take a regular wreath and put some fake foliage and shamrocks on it. And you’re good to go.

2. These 4 leaf clover necklaces are bound to give you good luck.

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These two have some newsprint and a 4 leaf clover encased in a glass pendant. Appear to come in gold and bronze.

3. With this wreath, you can have both shamrocks and rainbows.

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This one appears to be made from burlap and felt. And the rainbow appears in a banner.

4. Got some empty green bottles? Make some shamrock candle holders out of them.

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Not sure whether these came from a craft store or beer case. Either way, they’ll be in the Saint Patrick’s Day spirit with shamrocks on them.

5. Spare flower pots always make great leprechaun hats.

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Seems like this would be a great project for kids. But these nevertheless look quite cute if you ask me.

6. If you don’t want to get pinched on March 17, this headband is for you.

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This one seems rather simple to make. Just put some green shamrocks on it and craft stones and you’re good to go.

7. Curl up on the couch this Saint Patrick’s Day with this shamrock pillow.

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Now your furniture won’t get pinched this Saint Patrick’s Day. Even if it’s a bright orange couch in your living room.

8. Cover your wreath with green and shamrock ribbons.

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This is a yearn ribbon wreath of green. It has gold shamrocks at front. Still, it’s pretty.

9. If you aren’t a wreath person, you can always go with flowers.

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Well, fake flowers that you might find in a cemetery anyway. Because most of the spring flowers aren’t out yet at least in my neck of the woods.

9. Store your Saint Patty’s Day decorations in this one of a kind crate.

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Not sure if I could do that design. But as long as the crate was prebuilt at the store, I think I could paint it green.

10. A leprechaun hat bouquet always makes a great Saint Patrick’s Day centerpiece.

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Yes the flowers are fake. And I’m sure that’s a cut out flower pot. But if you’re someone who’s a repressed art major, this a great project for you.

11.For extra luck, grace your door this Saint Patrick’s Day with this rainbow wreath.

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This one is covered as a rainbow in ribbons. And covered in shamrock garlands. All in all, I think this is beautiful.

12. Nothing goes better in your home this Saint Patrick’s Day than this shamrock tree.

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And the best part is, you don’t have to water it. Also. the shamrocks on this are so shiny.

14. Of course, you can always go with the conifer option.

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Yes, this is another shamrock tree. However, this one has shamrocks all over it in a different variation.

15. If you want more leaves on your Saint Patrick’s Day wreath, this is the one for you.

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Sure the foliage may be fake and seem it’s straight from a cemetery. Yet, I do love the wooden shamrock on this one.

16. For a simpler Saint Patrick’s Day wreath, one won’t need to look further than this.

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This one is just a plain white wreath with some ribbon and shamrock decorations on them. Looks pretty doable compared to some of the other ones.

17. A shamrock hair clip like this is bound to have the luck of the Irish.

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This shamrock clip is made from different shades of green ribbon and a fake pearl. Nevertheless, it’s very pretty.

18. A shamrock wreath like this will always bring you luck at your front door.

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This one is a 4 leaf clover wreath which is said to be made from cloth and coat hangers. Not sure what else.

19. Sometimes a cushion and ribbon wreath is all you need.

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Well, not sure if these were scraps or cut out that way. But at any rate, it sure looks soft and cozy even if it’s not.

20. A green wreath of tulle like this is bound to give you luck.

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This one even has Luck spelled on here. And in a banner of shamrocks, too. Not sure if it would give you the luck of the Irish.

21. When in doubt a green wreath of spots will always suit your fancy.

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You might have noticed that I have a lot of wreaths on this post for Saint Patrick’s Day. That may be so, but so does Pinterest.

22. Nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day than wearing a green bow and a rainbow necklace.

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Yes , these things are meant for little girls. But it’s in the spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day so it goes on. Besides, they’re cute.

23. They say that a bag of gold at your front door is bound to give you good fortune.

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Well, this one is filled with shamrocks and plastic gold coins. However, I doubt the leprechauns would be fooled by this one.

24. Those who don’t care for a shamrock wreath can always go with flowers.

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Well, as long sa the flowers are green, white, and yellow. Oh, and the foliage consists of English ivy. Still, pretty.

25. For Saint Patty’s Day kisses, this sign will show everyone that you’re Irish.

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And this sign has plenty of kisses to go around. I’m sure this was painted on wood and put on a stand.

26. Nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day than gracing your home with some wooden shamrocks on stands.

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And they seem to come in different colors and patterns. The sparkly green one is my favorite out of these 3.

27. For Saint Patrick’s Day wreath, green and white always make a wonderful contrast.

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This one is covered in white with flowers and shamrocks. And it’s held by a green polka dot ribbon. Great for any door on Saint Patrick’s Day.

28. If you want to get even more lucky on Saint Patrick’s Day, it helps if you put some shamrocks in a frame.

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Because you can never have enough shamrocks in shades of green for one frame. Some of these even have glitter on them.

29. Happy Saint Patrick’s Day with this leprechaun wreath.

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Sure it doesn’t show the whole leprechaun but it has a hat and legs. Wreath is also in the shape of a heart.

30. Add color to your Saint Patrick’s Day table with these rainbow wands.

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These make great toys for kids. And it also makes a great table centerpiece that you can use for years even when they get older.

31. Luck will always come this Saint Patrick’s Day when you have a large shamrock at your door.

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This one is said to be covered in green cloth scraps. But it has the word, “Lucky” at the center. Still, I like it.

32. When it comes to Saint Patrick’s Day wreaths, a rainbow one can’t go without shamrocks.

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Yes, this is another rainbow wreath for Saint Patrick’s Day. But this one has shamrocks on the side unlike the previous one.

33. This Saint Patrick’s Day wreath is guaranteed to bring you luck in stripes.

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I bet whoever made this used a lot of green and white ribbon. Still, I like the shamrock in the center though.

34. For the more rustic type on Saint Patrick’s Day, these blocks will suit your home just fine.

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These consist of shamrocks, leprechaun beard and coat, leprechaun hat and shoes, and a pot of gold. And they’re all painted a dark green and white.

35. A tulle wreath like this on Saint Patrick’s Day will bring you a lot of luck.

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Well, it’s my second tulle wreath of green on this post. But it’s made in a different variation than the previous one.

36. Celebrate this Saint Patrick’s Day with your very own leprechaun hat.

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Has a headband to help you put it on and keep on your head. Yet, it’s touched with a green shamrock and a shiny belt buckle.

37. There’s bound to be a pot of gold on this rainbow wreath.

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Sure the rainbow on this one is neverending. But at least there’s a pot of gold smack dab in the center.

38. A leprechaun hat like this comes in wooden blocks.

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Nevertheless, it looks great on anyone’s table. But depending on whether these might be glued on together, some assembly may be required.

39. Those wanting the leprechaun’s pot of gold might want to set up a trap like this.

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However, if you live in the Harry Potter universe, keep in mind that it’s a worthless endeavor. Because even if you do catch a leprechaun that leads you to his pot of gold, the gold will just disappear in a few hours anyway.

40. A golden shamrock is always a fine addition to any home on Saint Patrick’s Day.

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This shamrock is made from thumbtacks on a green background. However, before you do any thumbtack art, make sure it’s on a thick flat surface.

41. Store your golden goodies this Saint Patrick’s Day in this rainbow glitter vase.

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Sure the gold in here is candy. But I do love the glittery rainbow on this thing. However, glitter glue does make a big mess as I remember correctly.

42. Be extra lucky this Saint Patrick’s Day with this lucky charm bracelet.

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Because on a holiday like Saint Patrick’s Day, this kind of stuff has to exist. Includes horseshoes, rainbows, Irish flags, shamrocks, pots of gold, and a leprechaun.

43. If you got empty green bottles, put some green flowers in them.

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Of course, you’ll have to make the flowers first. But these ones look very lovely.

44. This Saint Patrick’s Day, turn some old toilet paper rolls into leprechauns.

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Sure this is more of kid’s project. But these are nevertheless adorable. I especially like the beards.

45. Grace your front door this Saint Patrick’s Day with a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

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Well, it’s decorated with plastic coins and shamrocks. However, I think the rainbow is the best part of this.

46. Proclaim your Irishness this Saint Patrick’s Day with these blocks.

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Well, I have to but block stuff somewhere in this post. And I might as well go with these.

47. Welcome visitors to your humble home this Saint Patrick’s Day with this block decoration.

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Might not light up like previous ones I showed you on other posts. But it sure looks pretty to put on a mantle or buffet table.

48. Adorn your hair this Saint Patrick’s Day with this shamrock clip.

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The button is made from wood while the other shades of green are made from felt. Still, it’s cute.

49. An empty bottle of Irish cream always makes a great place for flowers.

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And I’m sure this decoration would make a great centerpiece. Love the glitter and the shamrocks on this one though.

50. You can’t attend a Saint Patrick’s Day parade without a pair of pot of gold earrings.

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I’m sure this isn’t for weak lobes like mine (as I learned the hard way). Still, you have to like the pots of gold on these.

51. A lucky lass on Saint Patrick’s Day always has shamrocks in her hair.

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Yes, these are shamrocks on barettes. But these do look adorable even when not on someone’s hair.

52. Green flowers always go great near any fireplace.

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For some reason, I usually don’t see flowers as green. Probably because I’m more used seeing the green on the leaves and stems.

53. Show your love for the Irish this Saint Patrick’s Day with these shamrock heart hair clips.

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Sure they may be better suited for young girls. But you have to admit, these are pretty adorable to say the least.

54. Nothing makes Irish eyes smile more than a green bauble wreath.

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Just to warn you, baubles are delicate things so be very careful not to drop any while handling them. Still, I do love the shamrock ribbon on this thing.

55. A sizeable hat makes a great trap for a leprechaun.

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Not sure what the hat is made of (which is possibly felt or construction paper). Still, I do like the twig ladder and the sign.

56. Celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day this year wearing a light up tutu of an Irish flag.

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If it weren’t for the shamrock waistline, I’d swear this would be great for wearing at a football game at my old high school. Not that I would.

57. For Saint Patrick’s Day ceiling decorations, you can’t go wrong with a rainbow cloud.

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Well, I know this is more or less advertised as a birthday decoration. But since rainbows are associated with Saint Patrick’s Day, it goes on the post.

58. Nothing brings you in the spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day than a tulle leprechaun wreath at your door.

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And to capture Irish gingerness, the wreath is primarily orange. But it does have a green hat and pipe.

59. Keep warm this Saint Patrick’s Day with this leprechaun hat beanie.

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Not sure what size this is supposed to be. But at any rate, I have to like the buckle on this one.

60. For those who view Saint Patrick’s Day as a sacred holiday, this wreath is for you.

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Well, I had to put some religious imagery on this post with a Celtic cross. Because it is seen as a religious holiday in Ireland because Saint Patrick is their patron saint.

61. You can’t attend the Saint Patrick’s Day parade without the appropriate top hat.

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Now this is a fancy hat to wear to a parade. Not sure if I’d want to wear that during a mugshot though.

62. Bring the lucky spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day to your home by hanging this shamrock tapestry.

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Made of felt with 4 shamrocks on them and the words “Luck” with a horseshoe “U.” Still, you have to want to hang this on your wall.

63. If you’re lucky this Saint Patrick’s Day, then say it with pennies.

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Pennies: the only form of US currency you can use for craft projects. Because they’re totally worthless as US currency.

64. Nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day like rainbow trees.

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Sure rainbows might not lead you to a pot of gold. But I sure like these trees. Bet they’re fertilized with unicorn poop.

65. The best spot to put a pot of gold is on a rainbow table runner.

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If it were me, I’d just go with the runner that’s made of felt. After all, who doesn’t love rainbows?

66. For some Saint Patrick’s Day fun, you can’t do without a leprechaun peg doll as well as his rainbow bunting and pot of gold.

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Yes, this leprechaun is just chilling on his log with his pot of gold and rainbow. So cute.

67. Light up your home on Saint Patrick’s Day with this shamrock glass block lamp.

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Well, the shamrock is a little lopsided if you look at it closely. But the border is nice.

68. With this costume, your little one will be the perfect little leprechaun.

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Sure it might lead to some embarrassing photo ops for your kid in the later years. But right now, they can’t really remember anyway.

69. On Saint Patrick’s Day, a wee Irish lass can’t go without her own pair of shoes.

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This is a pair of baby booties for baby girls for Saint Patrick’s Day. And yes, they’re adorable enough to make your heart melt.

70. Don’t like wreaths? This leprechaun door hanging is just for you.

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Well. it only shows the hat and legs. And the flowers are fake. But still, looks quite festive.

71. It’s not Saint Patrick’s Day unless you see a leprechaun on a wooden panel.

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Well, it might require some nailing a board to get the hat. But the leprechaun seems to have a smile on his face.

72. Got old wine bottles? Decorate them for Saint Patrick’s Day.

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Well, while one bottle is unchanged, the other ones are painted green and decorated for Saint Patrick’s Day. One has a leprechaun belt.

73. Keep your little leprechaun warm this Saint Patrick’s Day with this little stocking cap.

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Yes, it comes with a fake beard to keep your baby’s chin warm. Still, it’s incredibly adorable.

74. For Saint Patrick’s Day, you can’t raise a better glass than this one.

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Like the saying on this, “Kiss me, I’m drunk. I mean Irish.” Not sure if you’d want to drink with this one.

75. Nothing says Saint Patrick’s Day than a potted rainbow.

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Well, it’s a pot of gold with a rainbow and cloud on top. This is so clever, creative, and cute.

76. On Saint Patrick’s Day, cuddle up with this little leprechaun doll.

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This is a knitted leprechaun doll which is derived from a pattern. Nevertheless, this is adorable.

77. Go to the Saint Patrick’s Day this year with a feather in your hat.

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Now this hat looks rather snazzy. Like the shamrock bow on this one. Wouldn’t want to be drunk wearing it though.

78. A glass block lamp like this can bring out a shiny shamrock.

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Yes, I know this is another glass block light. But this one has a ribbon and a shinier shamrock.

79. Bring the spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day without this tulle rainbow cloud wreath.

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Now I wouldn’t mind having a wreath like this for Saint Patrick’s Day. Also, like the shamrock in the center.

80. For a little boy and girl, these leprechaun hats are perfect match.

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Yes, one might have a beard and another with braids. But either way, these are so cute.

81. Grace your door this Saint Patrick’s Day with this shamrock hanging.

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Not sure what the shamrock hanging is made out of. But I do like the rainbow ribbon, the gold, and the felt cloud.

82. For extra luck, it can’t hurt to have a shamrock wall hanging with coins and watches.

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This is a wooden hanging of a dark green shamrock. The coins and watches are plastic, but they go well together.

83. Didn’t know you can make a leprechaun from a flower pot.

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Sure it may not have a beard and is wearing a knitted hat. Still, it so adorable that it makes your little heart melt.

84. A leprechaun hat is a great place for flowers.

Sure the carnations are fake and the pot is felt. But I think this is a nice Saint Patrick's Day arrangement.

Sure the carnations are fake and the pot is felt. But I think this is a nice Saint Patrick’s Day arrangement.

85. This rainbow extends to the top of the door.

Sure it has a pot of gold at the end. But I really that rainbow of ribbons.

Sure it has a pot of gold at the end. But I really that rainbow of ribbons.

86. Keep your little one warm this Saint Patrick’s Day with this shamrock golf hat.

Now I wonder whether this little baby has a set of tiny golf clubs. That would be cute.

Now I wonder whether this little baby has a set of tiny golf clubs. That would be cute.

87. For a Saint Patrick’s Day bunting, you can’t do better than shamrocks.

Yes, I know it's a green bunting with shamrocks. But this would be great for any Saint Patty's Day party.

Yes, I know it’s a green bunting with shamrocks. But this would be great for any Saint Patty’s Day party.

88. Put some of your gold nuggets in a rainbow pot this Saint Patrick’s Day.

Those gold nuggets are actually Hershey's chocolates. But they're filled with golden deliciousness.

Those gold nuggets are actually Hershey’s chocolates. But they’re filled with golden deliciousness.

89. With this shamrock owl, the wind will always be at your back.

It's made out burlap. But this one is so cute that it's a hoot.

It’s made out burlap. But this one is so cute that it’s a hoot.

90. Show your love for the Irish this Saint Patrick’s Day with this heart shaped wreath.

Well, the foliage and flowers might be akin to what you see in a cemetery. But I sure love the rainbow ribbon.

Well, the foliage and flowers might be akin to what you see in a cemetery. But I sure love the rainbow ribbon.

91. Your little leprechaun always has to dress in her own little outfit for Saint Patty’s Day.

Sure the get up is made out felt. But this little lass seems to love how she looks. Doesn't she?

Sure the get up is made out felt. But this little lass seems to love how she looks. Doesn’t she?

92. Grace your home on Saint Patrick’s Day with these leprechaun shoes.

If you have small children, make sure that they're not upturned at the side of the house. Because the little one's might get upset if they've seen the Wizard of Oz.

If you have small children, make sure that they’re not upturned at the side of the house. Because the little one’s might get upset if they’ve seen the Wizard of Oz.

93. For Saint Patrick’s Day, you can’t be unlucky with a shamrock of ribbon.

I think this might be a little ornament. But you have to love the artistry on this. Not sure if I can do one.

I think this might be a little ornament. But you have to love the artistry on this. Not sure if I can do one.

94. Bring the spirit of Saint Patrick’s Day to your neighborhood with a wreath containing an nice big shamrock on it.

Now this wreath certainly goes all out. Nevertheless, I do love the shamrocks on this.

Now this wreath certainly goes all out. Nevertheless, I do love the shamrocks on this.

95. No matter what age, no lass should go without her Saint Patty’s Day booties.

Yes, it's another pair of baby girl shoes. But these have little shamrocks on them and are so cute.

Yes, it’s another pair of baby girl shoes. But these have little shamrocks on them and are so cute.

96. I guess this Saint Patrick’s Day pillow was a patchwork effort.

Guess it's made by the same person who did the wreath earlier in this post. Still, I like it even if it might hurt Irish eyes.

Guess it’s made by the same person who did the wreath earlier in this post. Still, I like it even if it might hurt Irish eyes.

97. For your little Irish lad, I suppose this suit should suit him well.

This one has a tie and felt shamrock patches on the knees. Any baby boy is bound to look adorable in it.

This one has a tie and felt shamrock patches on the knees. Any baby boy is bound to look adorable in it.

98. Celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day by gracing your home with this shamrock sampler.

This is a wall decoration that contains seashells. Got this from Etsy, but it's pretty.

This is a wall decoration that contains seashells. Got this from Etsy, but it’s pretty.

99. These wine bottle decorations will guarantee that you’ll feel lucky this Saint Patrick’s Day.

Spelled out, these bottles say "Lucky." Also have different toppers on them, too.

Spelled out, these bottles say “Lucky.” Also have different toppers on them, too.

100. You can’t celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day without a fuzzy wreath like this.

Not sure if this is DIY. But it looks so fuzzy that I just want to touch it.

Not sure if this is DIY. But it looks so fuzzy that I just want to touch it.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Ads (Third Edition)

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Advertising is all around us that’s it’s almost impossible to avoid it. And I’m sure many of you saw some dumb ads while watching the Super Bowl, too. Nevertheless, I tend to do a lot of posts on vintage ads. But I haven’t done one on vintage ads in general for a very long time, possibly since last May. Yet, I’ve done ads pertaining to holidays, underwear, food, alcoholic beverages, and celebrity endorsements. Still, as we’ve seen before, advertising has been with us for a very long time as you see here. This is an ad for Coca Cola from the turn of the century in the United States. You can tell because of the woman’s outfit. It’s a rather well made ad as you can tell from the attention to detail. However, while I can show you ads like this all I want, you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll focus on vintage ads that haven’t aged well, are inappropriate, or are unintentionally funny. So for your reading pleasure, I bring you another installment of vintage ads from the days of old.

  1. To encourage more quality time with dad, we bring you the Daddy Saddle.
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Guaranteed to give children loads of fun as well as fathers loads of back pain and humiliation. Also known as the daddle.

2. Ladies, when at a party, it always pays to be uh, sociable.

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Sure it helps to be sociable. But we should also helps if you just put some freaking clothes on, lady. Seriously, exposing yourself at a party like that is just asking for trouble.

3. And remember, kids, don’t forget to look both ways because bike boners kill.

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Sure I understand this is a PSA from the Boy Scouts of America on traffic safety. And I understand that “boner” means mistake in this context. However, when most people think of boners, they think of something a little different.

4. At Dow Chemical, this little guy is a “scientist” in his own right.

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Not sure what they did to this lab mouse. But whatever it is, I wouldn’t be surprised if he experiences delusions of grandeur with dreams of world domination.

5. “How come I enjoy smoking and you don’t?”

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Hey, man, you might enjoy smoking now. But when you end up with respiratory problems, cancer, and heart disease, you won’t. Seriously, I’m glad I’m not you.

6. For the latest in lawn mower technology, get Gay Blade.

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When I hear the word, “gay blade,” I don’t think about anything to do with landscaping. Rather many people my age tend to think of offensive gay stereotypes. But to each his own.

7. “You dirty boy, why don’t you wash yourself with Vinolia Soap?”

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Okay, this is just flagrantly racist on so many levels. I mean it’s implying that this black kid is dirty on account of his skin color. How more offensive can you get?

8. Be a living doll and give him a pick of Dr. Grabow’s pipes.

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Because Dr. Grabow’s pipes all the rage these days in Stepford. You know, the place where all the women are living dolls for their husbands since they’re basically fembots replacing the real housewives who were murdered for not being perfect enough. Okay, I think I might’ve spoiled the plot.

9. With Antron III, slips are truly anti-cling. Permanently.

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Maybe, but that I’m not sure if slips can protect you from being struck by lightning. Because I think that woman is really putting herself in a very unsafe situation.

10. “Even rain can’t hide that microsheen shine.”

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And I’m sure rain can’t hide the fact that she’s wearing practically nothing under her see through rain coat either. Makes you wonder whether she’s on her way to a nudist colony.

11. To prevent sunburns, ladies, you can’t go wrong with this sun helmet.

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Hmm…a helmet with a glass shield to protect against sunburn. Still, you wonder why they didn’t come up with a whole hazmat suit to go with it in the process.

12. Tired of Paulie shitting all over the house? Well, it’s time you solved that problem with parakeet diapers.

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Yes, I’m sure putting a diaper on your parakeet will keep it from shitting on your furniture. Comes with a leash for walking. Still, not sure if Paulie would like being strapped into something like this.

13. Want to take your dog on the road but don’t like it in the car? This sack and running board has got you covered.

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Well, as far as canine safety is concerned, it’s probably better than tying it to the car (like in Vacation). But I think this pet get up seems to make the dog-on-roof method seem rather humane.

14. Remember, don’t go without a Norelco portable tape recorder.

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Sure this guy might seem to be flirting with a stewardess on the plane. But I’m sure he’s going to regret getting that tape recorder when she sues him for sexual harassment.

15. With Cricketer, anything you do out in a suit, you can do in a suit.

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Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you should risk doing somersaults in a suit. This is especially if he has his hands placed in a spot that’s a little too convenient to suspect.

16. Remember, children always enjoy a big glass of Florida Orange Juice.

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Actually, I think these little demon moppets are more interested in drinking the blood of the woman who’s serving them orange juice. Seriously, these kids look utterly terrifying to behold and may be evil incarnate.

17. Carter’s Trigs are always great for the whole family.

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Yes, I know this is supposed to be a father and son lounging around. Still, looking at the man’s face, I have a bad feeling on where this situation might be headed to.

18. Even O. J. Simpson can testify that Jogger roller skates are the best thing in outdoor recreation.

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Not sure about Jogger roller skates as a product during the 1970s. However, if this ad appeared in a magazine during the mid 1990s, I’m sure it would miserably flop. Seriously, we all know that if O. J. needs to make a getaway, he uses a white Bronco.

19. Tired of burning dinner? Well, it’s time you use a pack of Asbestos Baking Sheets.

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Sure they might make eating your food put you at an increased risk of mesothelioma, asbestosis, and other nasty infections that could kill you. But at least you’d no longer burn your food.

20. Anti Nervous Dyseptic Tobacco gives you a clean lasting chew and a cool, sweet smoke.

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I don’t think there’s a tobacco that does either. Still, that is just one creepy baby who seems to possess some kind of infantile evil on its mind.

21. Want to feel like a man? Join the Army.

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Because there’s nothing more manly than traveling to far away places, meeting new people, and launching some nuclear missiles on unsuspecting civilians. Oh, wait a minute, that’s just insane!

22. University Row’s Chart Stripes will help you put a tiger in a cage.

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Not sure about what people think of putting women in cages. However, I think this ad just seems to show the kind of sexism that I simply won’t stand for.

23. Clear your driveway this winter with your very own mail order flame gun.

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Man, why spend so much time shoveling when you can clear your driveway with a flame thrower. Oh, wait, because it might set your house on fire if you try to clear your wooden porch with this thing.

24. With Drano, you can clear your drains and improve your marriage.

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Yeah, I’m sure Drano might help clear your drain. But it’s strongly corrosive and one of the most hazardous household products available to the public. Sorry, but a clean drain isn’t worth the risk of explosion related injuries.

25. This Shirred French Purse by Lady Buxton is an elegant place to store things.

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However, if you’re a squirrel, then may I suggest you store your peanut in anything other than a woman’s purse. Because you’re not getting that back.

26. The economical Kiddie-Coop is a crib, playpen, and bassinet all in one.

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Because why shouldn’t your baby be denied the same comforts as your pet rabbit? Seriously, why don’t you just install a crib dribbler while you’re at it?

27. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Texaco kid.

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This little boy hopes you use Texaco gas to fill your tank before you crash and burn in some terrible accident that he’s eager to watch with great pleasure. Yes, this kid has a sadistic streak a mile wide.

28. Douglas DC-8 gives you the happiest flying from the ground up!

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I don’t know about you. But did anyone notice how it seems that the viewer is looking up a little girl’s skirt? Seriously, that’s disturbing.

29. Captivate your audience with this Playboy bunny hand puppet.

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Warning: Playboy hand puppet is for adult use only and shouldn’t be used for adult-child contact. Also, might make you seem like an enormous perv.

30. Score Liquid Hair Groom will help men get what they’ve always wanted.

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I don’t know about you, but I think this product’s ad is setting rather unreasonable expectations. Also, I think the women might want to cover up, just so they won’t get malaria.

31. Dishwashy hands scaring your man away? Switch to Ivory.

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Basically this ad says, “I’m a fussy and lousy housewife but that doesn’t matter since my hands are good after I use Ivory soap.” Oh, for God’s sake give me a break.

32. Fat is folly so use Le Parle Obesity soap to shed the pounds.

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Yes, a soap that helps you lose weight. I’m sure that’s totally bullshit because losing weight doesn’t work that way. Seriously, it doesn’t.

33. Kids just can’t resist the taste of Quick Frozen chicken pie.

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I’m sure this boy is bound to be very disappointed when he finds out that pie doesn’t adhere to Mrs. Lovett’s famous meat pie recipe. You can guess what kind of meat he’s hoping for.

34. Support musicians, because recorded music tramples art for profits.

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Wait until they find out that recorded music makes their stuff more accessible to the masses. Seriously, musicians have benefited tremendously through the record industry as far as I recall.

35. “Male makes it exciting….Male makes pure man stuff!”

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Sure it does. But does this mean you should photoshop people on the crotch area of a pair of pants? You make the call.

36. “Gas…the magic of instant hot water!”

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Maybe, but this terrifying baby doesn’t seem to like it that much. In fact, it seems like it’s melting which is kind of horrifying if you ask me.

37. Baer’s paint is great for all interior surfaces. Don’t take our word for it? Then let a bear paint your house.

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Let a bear paint my house, right? Wonder what can go wrong with that. Oh wait, everything. Still, it’s pretty silly.

38. Want what’s best for your baby? Try Mennen’s Borated Powder.

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Not sure what I find weirder about this one: the picture of the baby in the lightbulb or the toddlers swinging. For some reason, either seems rather messed up.

39. Motorola color TV gives you more to enjoy.

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I bet this kid is like: “Mom, can I please change the channel? Because there’s a creepy clown on TV that’s scaring the crap out of me! And seeing him is sure to give me nightmares!”

40. So many good things come from DuPont cellophane.

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Again with the babies in plastic wrap, DuPont? Seriously, do you realize how messed up that is? Because that’s insane!

41. For MacGregor’s flame retardant shorts, look for the burning boy label.

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Now that’s pretty freaky if you think about it. Still, when this boy grows up, I’m sure he’ll end up starting a summer concert series like “Burning Man.”

42. For house painting, Carter’s white lead is absolutely pure.

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Sure it might make your kids shorter and dumber as well as kidney and reproductive problems. Also causes other health problems like lead poisoning. But I’m sure it will cover more surface and last longer.

43. On Army day, soldiers always dry with Cannon towels.

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Who knew that army bath time on the Pacific front was an ultimate sausage fest? For some reason, these stark naked guys don’t seem to just be bathing to me. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t ask or tell.

44. Don’t let bad breath ruin your love life, ladies. Try Colgate.

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Yes, ladies, use Colgate toothpaste because men are incredible douches who’ll avoid you if you show signs of halitosis. And you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. What a sexist message from a toothpaste company.

45. Remember, ladies, you’re in a beauty contest every hour of every day. So use Camay soap.

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Okay, that’s rather frightening to think about it. Seriously, it seems like these ads are telling women that they should look beautiful all the time or else they’ll lose their man. Fortunately, women, if he really loves you, he’s not going to dump you for not keeping up appearances.

46. “Tank Corps…welcome, too, is the brisk rub-down with a good towel.”

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I guess this is toga party time for Tank Corps. And I’m sure they they tend to stick to the idea, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”

47. Remember, ladies, one zit can ruin a romance.

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Yes, women, getting a zit is a horrifying experience that almost always ends in a break up. Seriously, one zit on her face is hardly going to be noticed. Even if it is, there are plenty of teenage girls who have steady boyfriends as well as problems with acne.

48. Don’t let B.O. break your engagement, use Lifebuoy deodorant.

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Yeah, because whatever goes wrong in a relationship, it’s always because the woman fails to practice good hygiene. Seriously, did Jessie ever consider that her previous boyfriends were superficial assholes? That might have something to do with it.

49. She was a one date girl because she didn’t take some Kellogg’s All-Bran for her bowels.

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Okay, so this ad is saying this woman wasn’t having a great love life because she was having trouble shitting? Seriously, that was her problem? You know how ridiculous it sounds.

50. If lack of muscle is your problem, try working out with Thrush.

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Because women always love a man with a massive phallic car part in his hand. Wonder if any of them know what it is.

51. For daring gift for married couples, try a set of matching jail jamas.

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So what do prison PJ’s say about marriage? Really doesn’t give a nice social commentary about it. Still, maybe these two are just prisoners of love, blue skies above, leaving their hearts in jail.

52. With After Six, why just have a party, when you can have a ball?

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From Buzzfeed: “She’s holding a phallic symbol, two oranges, and a carton of white fluid. Any questions?” Yeah, you kind of figure where this is going.

53. Chiquita bananas are the most flavorful.

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I’m sure this is just an innocent ad depicting a boy and a girl sharing bananas. Then again, maybe it’s not so innocent as it initially appears to be. Seriously, were the parents even consulted on this one?

54. Feeling cranky with menstrual cramps? Try Midol.

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Because having your period should be no excuse for being cranky at social engagements. Seriously, seems like women at the time couldn’t really catch a break.

55. Married? No reason to neglect stockings.

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Because men always hate it when their wife’s stocking appeal is spoiled by constant runs, holes, twisty seams, and wrinkles. And women must keep their stockings absolutely perfect. Seriously, this is madness! Madness!

56. Aunt Jemima always chases those pancake hungry blues away.

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Man, this isn’t the Aunt Jemima I remember from my childhood. She seems to resemble some racist Mammy caricature, which is kind of offensive to African Americans.

57. At a time of war, it’s his yen against your dollar.

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Yest, this was made in WWII by Texaco. But still, this is depicting the Japanese as money grubbing devils, which they were not. For the love of God, do they have any idea that Japanese Americans existed at the time? Oh, wait, we know what the US government did to them.

58. Rough on Rats always clears vermin, which only a Chinaman would eat.

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Unlike in The Big Lebowski, the Chinaman is the issue here. I mean they’re saying that Chinese people eat rats, which is very offensive. Seriously, who the hell would even allege that?

59. Quaker State Motor Oil is as pure as certified milk.

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Maybe, but that doesn’t mean your baby could drink it for God’s sake. Seriously, motor oil isn’t the kind of fluid that’s safe for human consumption.

60. Carter’s will always make your kids look sharp.

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Then again, it might make your kids look like a bunch of mindless lobotomized Ralphies who might devour your brains. Might want to reconsider.

61. There are big reasons for better roads like nuclear weapons.

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Really? But if an atomic bomb were to go off, we’d all be annihilated. So why we’d need better roads then? I’m just saying.

62. Don’t sun starve your baby, give them a G-E sunlamp for the bathroom.

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Because why should you deny your baby from experiencing the power of dangerous UV rays? Seriously, couldn’t they just put the baby in a play area outside?

63. Remember, ladies, Balls candy gives you courage.

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Sure there have been plenty of women who’ve had courage throughout the ages. But I’m sure most women don’t get it from Balls candy. Seriously, why?

64. Lucky tigers always get the gals.

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In his case, this tigerman prefers them stuffed and mounted on his wall as hunting trophies. Tigerman is an incredibly messed up individual who should probably be put in some maximum security prison.

65. Duke of Durham will sure keep those kiddies quiet.

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Maybe, but is giving your kids tobacco a good idea? No way in hell. Also, baby Tweedledee and Tweedledum are really freaking me out right now.

66. Thanks to Monsanto, it’s plastics picking time down South.

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Really, Monsanto? You know if cotton picking was pleasant as you depict it, then why did white plantation owners hire black slaves to do it? And why did they commit unspeakable atrocities against them and treated them less than human? Think about that.

67. It’s a known fact that more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette.

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I have 2 uncles who are uncles. And we should know that not all of them have great health habits. So if your doctor smokes, doesn’t mean you should.

68. Asbestine stove lining cures stove troubles.

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Sure Asbestine might cure stove troubles, but prolonged exposure might result in asbestosis and possibly mesothelioma. So maybe it’s not worth it. And they made these in Pittsburgh? Jesus Christ!

69. For winter wear, you can always trust Spring Maid Fabrics.

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And from how I look at this one, this woman appears to having something going on with her legs. Still, let’s just hope she’s wearing pantyhose and not going commando.

70. And remember, nursing moms, nothing perks you and baby up like a glass of beer.

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This is for a beer company in France as you see. Still, new moms need to know that drinking the wrong beer might make your baby not want to nurse from your teat.

Great Blunders in Auto Aesthetics

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I may not drive a car or have a driver’s license for that matter. But this doesn’t mean that I can’t talk about cars, particularly auto aesthetics. Sure cars were made to get us from point A to point B, but that doesn’t stop people from wanting one that matches their style. Since the time when rich people wanted fancy cars to show off their wealth, it wasn’t long until the ordinary folk wanted their own cars to fit their style as well. Some of these have become icons of their era like the muscle cars of the 1950s. I can go on and on about the great looking cars out there. But I know you’d be bored to tears and tell me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So instead I’ll do a post on some of the biggest automobile eyesores to ever grace the road. Some might just fire for function but not effect. Some might’ve seen good ideas at the time and their designs just haven’t aged well. While others, well, make you want to scratch your head and wonder what the hell they were thinking when it was being design. Nevertheless, at any rate, I hope you enjoy these ugly cars for your reading pleasure.

  1. Volkswagen Thing
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Because calling it the Volkswagen Cardboard Box Convertible wouldn’t fly and the guys at Volkswagen couldn’t think of any good ideas for names. Seriously, when a car is called, “Thing” it kind of shows that the automaker doesn’t think much of it.

2. Tatra T603

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Made in Czechoslovakia between the 1950s and 1970s, this was said to be “Communism’s Finest Car” that was driven by officials and factory owners. Nevertheless, why it’s designed like the kind of sedan a Batman villain would be too embarrassed to drive, I have no idea.

3. Nissan S Cargo

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In France, escargot is a snail dish that’s considered a delicacy. This is a retro style commercial van that was sold from 1989-1992 to carry small cargo. Not sure if it got the job done in terms of hauling stuff. But in France, I can bet that this car surely lived up to its name at any rate.

4. 1957 Multipla Marinella

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The kind of car that resembles a cross between a retro looking minivan and a golf cart. Seems more appropriate for driving around an amusement park or the links than going to work.

5. Bond Bug

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While it certainly looks like a bug without a doubt, but I don’t think it’s a car I’d see James Bond driving by any stretch of the imagination. Or anyone else during the 1970s when this car was made. And your parents thought the AMC Gremlin was hideous.

6. Trabant

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The East German answer to the Volkswagen Beetle, this seemed to combine the beetle’s design with a something the Joker might drive. Nevertheless, to say it was a failure in East Germany is an understatement.

7. AMC Pacer

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When it came out in 1975, it was the toast of the automotive press as it was called, “futuristic,” “bold,” and “unique.” Keep in mind that they viewed the same thing about polyester pants.

8. Pontiac Aztek

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Best known as the Walter White’s signature ride in Breaking Bad when he’s a teacher and not a meth cook. Keep in mind, people tend to make fun of Walter White for his minivan that seems like a Gobot mutant meets a space shuttle. Possibly designed by a front team and a back team who never spoke to each other.

9. AMC Gremlin

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With the Pacer and the Ford Pinto, it’s the epitome of bad 1970s car design. Almost makes you want to apologize to those small creatures who caused problems in WWII planes.

10. Nissan Cube

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I can guess where it got its name due to its geometric design. Nevertheless, you tend to wonder whether this is it or the box it came in.

11. Ashton Martin Lagonda

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Yes, a 1970s luxury car that boasts the elegance on the road akin to a funeral home. The kind of car that’s expensive enough for James Bond to drive yet, one nobody would miss if it happens to explode.

12. Subaru BRAT

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Keep in mind that “BRAT” is an acronym for Bi-Lateral Recreational All-Terrain Transporter. Still, the name is pretty appropriate for this obvious Japanese ripoff of a Ford El Camino. And it wasn’t sold in Japan either.

13. Corbin Sparrow

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Sure it’s a compact vehicle that runs on electric that was made in 1999. However, when I see it, I tend to think of it as the latest thing in clown car technology. And a car even clowns would be too embarrassed to drive.

14. Ford Pinto

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One of the big auto eyesores of the 1970s, it was about as bad to drive in one as it looked. Let’s just say you were lucky that it didn’t explode in a rear end collision, which gave it a shady reputation.

15. Citroen 2CV

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No, it’s not an antique PT Crusier, but good guess. Still, this is a French car that was in production from its postwar years to the 1990s. Nevertheless, it’s not much to look at but was a rather dependable car. Was also known to be used by hippies during the 1960s.

16. Lotus Europa

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Or what you get when you cross a hearse with a 1970s Batmobile. Seriously, that’s what it looks like.

17. Mohs Ostentatiene Opera Sedan

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This is a strange car and a rather expensive and hideous one, too. Only one of these was ever built. Still, it included a refrigerator, a butane furnace, and a TV. And you could order to have it customized with Ming Dynasty style rugs.

18. Bricklin SV-1 (Safety Vehicle 1)

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Seems to look a bit like a Delorean but uglier. Didn’t come equipped with a lighter or ashtray because as the sales brochure said, “We don’t think smoking while driving is safe; we don’t want you dropping a hot cigarette in your lap and driving our beautiful car into a tree.” But their 99 lb doors were known to come crashing down when the support struts failed. Talk about skewed safety priorities.

19. Toyota Yaris Verso

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From the Telegraph: “The Yaris Verso might well have its loyal followers, but there’s no denying that this little car, which is a cross between a supermini and a van, is a challenge to behold. Useful, yes, attractive, no.”

20. Fiat Multipla

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For many, this is new age car appears to be made on another planet. But it was actually made in Italy, believe it or not. Can fit 6 in 2 rows.

21. Ssangyong Rodius

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It’s a minivan from South Korea. Yes, it’s rear end is a monstrosity to behold. Nevertheless, doesn’t surprise me why this is a less known company than Huyndai.

22. Ford Fairlane

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A muscle car from the 1950s which seems to resemble a retro convertible Batmobile. Not that Batman would drive one anyway. Kind of disappointed that it doesn’t have rocket blasters. That would’ve been cool.

23. Lincoln Continental Mark VI

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From RMF: “The car’s mishmash of seemingly random “retro” styling elements included non-functional fender air extractors, barely functional “porthole” windows, fins, a trunk-mounted spare and worst of all, that weird vinyl top that rises far above the sedan’s roofline in a very awkward center section. With the 1960s-era Continental one of the most beautiful cars of all time, what the heck happened?”

24. Davis D-2 Divan

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When I hear the name, I imagine a rather cool car you’d see James Bond or Batman drive. And then you see this rolling toasting piece of crap that resembles those 25 cent plastic rides for kids outside certain retail stores. And I’m being generous.

25. Jeep Compass

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Hmm…guess this is what you get when you mate a Jeep with a minivan. And I hate to be honest but that union didn’t turn out well. Because that is one ugly ass baby.

26. Sebring-Vanguard Citicar

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This car is just a combination of a golf cart and a tent. Made in the 1970s it was one of the first electric cars in the world. But I’m sure nobody would want to waylay an energy crisis with that thing.

27. Plymouth Prowler

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Guess this is the perfect car for any Batman villain to drive. And as far as the color scheme goes, Harley Quinn comes to mind.

28. Ford Scorptio

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Has a sleek sedan design as well as a face of a big mouthed frog. Wonder why it doesn’t eat the bugs that come veering toward its windshield.

29. Citroen Ami

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France may be known for its fashion. But this nightmare seems to be part car and part giant insect. Also, the top doesn’t look great either.

30. Lamborghini Veneno

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As Edmunds’ John Pearley Huffman wrote, “Every supercar cliché and every bad idea Lamborghini ever had, stuffed into one overpriced show car. It’s the worst thing out of Italy since fascism.” Besides, $41 million is a high priced to pay for a life sized Hot Wheels.

31. Suzuki X-90

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Supposed to combine the features of the Japanese economy car to the American pickup truck. As you see from its appearance, it didn’t turn out so well.

32. Nissan Juke

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Bulbous headlights sure make this car resemble some freaky 4 eyed monster. Wouldn’t want to see that at night.

33. Chrysler PT Cruiser

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Thank you, Chrysler, you have finally come up with a car that’s suitable for the Joker to drive in. I’m sure he will either love it or want to blow it up. Maybe both.

34. Lada Kalina

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Made in Russia, this auto eyesore is part SUV and part robomonster. Not sure if it runs on gas or human flesh.

35. Chevy City Express

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Now this is a rather sleek car design, for a windowless van your parents never told you to get into. Guess General Motors is bringing the latest in creeper car technology. If you see someone in your neighborhood driving one, check if they’re a registered sex offender.

36. Kia Amanti

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From Your Car Is Ugly: “They had clearly intended to make a car that had class and style, since it’s the most expensive Kia. Instead, it looks like an adorable elementary school art project which got way out of hand.”

37. Tata Nano

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Made in India and said to be the cheapest car in the world at $2,500. However, driving this jelly bean car will make onlookers less likely to take you seriously. Nevertheless, while it was India’s attempt for their Volkswagen Beetle, it’s now starting to become the country’s equivalent of the Ford Pinto.

38. Toyota Scion IQ

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Think of it as having the features of a jelly bean and a bulldozer combined into one sedan. The fact that it’s in a bright chartreuse only makes it worse.

39. Subaru Baja

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It’s the kind of auto that can’t decide whether it wants to be a car or a truck. Might be fitting for an African Safari. But that’s a huge maybe.

40. Skoda Roomster

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I guess this is the kind of car suitable for the American soccer mom who also makes a living as a funeral director. Then again, I’m not sure if I’ve ever heard of Skoda before or whether it’s even sold in the US.

41. Lamborghini LM002

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I guess Lamborghini was trying to cater to the Hummer and Land Rover crowd at one point. Because it sure looks like it since it resembles an army vehicle like a overloaded jeep or a tank. Also called “the Rambo Lambo” for obvious reasons.

42. Toyota Van

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From Odometer: “This van looks just like something Clark Griswold would drive on one of his many dysfunctional family road trips. That’s not a compliment!”

43. Mini Paceman

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If the Volkswagen Beetle is called “the Bug,” the Mini Paceman can be called, “the Cockroach.” Another car more suitable for a Batman villain like the Penguin.

44. Daimler SP250 (Dart)

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When I see this muscle car, I tend to imagine a brightly colored big mouthed fish from the deep. Or a car well fitting for the Creature of the Black Lagoon. I’m not sure which.

45. Ford Edsel

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Resembling a really ugly fish with pursed lips, the Ford Edsel was released in 1958 and named after Henry Ford’s son. However, it would later become one of the biggest auto flops in history that its name is now synonymous for failure.

46. Reliant Regal

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This 3 wheeler was produced in the UK between 1953-1973 and could be driven on a motorcycle license. Nevertheless, despite the name, it neither looks reliant nor regal at all.

47. Chevy Avalanche

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This car is supposed to be a combination of the pickup truck and an SUV. Either way, many would say that this is an insult to an actual avalanche.

48. Honda Element

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Because something like the “Honda Elephant” wouldn’t fly. Seems to be the product of a union between an SUV and a U-Haul.

49. Nissan Murano Cross Cabriolet

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This was supposed to be a convertible approach to an SUV. Still, for cars that serve no purpose, they could’ve made it look pretty like the old muscle cars. Instead, it just looks idiotic. Was pulled after selling less than 1,000.

50. Volkswagen Vanagon Westfalia Camper

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From Rant Cars: “If you gave money to the PBS pledge drive, listened to John Denver, referred to hostels as “hotels”, and thought Birkenstocks count as dress shoes — this was the vehicle for you. The rest of us knew that it was a confused, mixed up, error from start to finish. The roof popped up for no apparent reason and the camping hookups did no good in suburban university towns. Who really wanted a car that looked like a suppository?”

51. Mercedes-Benz Sprinter

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For a car that’s called “Sprinter” it looks like a rather bulky, scaled down RV. You’d think Mercedes-Benz would make a better looking car than this monstrosity.

52. Isuzu VehiCROSS

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Now when you hear the name, you’d assume it was the coolest car ever built. Then you see this wretched thing that resembles a brightly covered termite and are so disappointed that all you can do is stare.

53. Chevrolet SSR

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This car was supposed to appeal toward people who liked classic cars and wanted a truck or a roadster. To me, its short run is unsurprising since it resembles the kind of car that’s driven by a cartoon character.

54. Yugo GV

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Made in the former Yugoslavia and released in the US in 1986 at the low price of $3,990, the Yugo was marketed as basic, reliable, transportation in the tradition of the VW Beetle and the Ford Model T. However, it was one of the most unreliable cars ever built that it was nicknamed the “Yugo Pushing” for how often it left owners stranded. And it has become the prime example of the shitbox economy car. Its looks aren’t worth writing home about either.

55. Mitsuoka Orochi

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From Gearheads: “While the Mitsuoka Orochi does have a touch of uniqueness to it, it is overall one of the ugliest rigs ever built. It’s tiny grille looks like a miniature whale’s mouth and its headlights look like they were inspired by Sloth from Goonies. The silhouette of the Orochi isn’t bad at all. Actually, it is kinda supercar-like. Once you get to the back end, however, the obscene curves return to ruin it.” Also, seems to be painted by someone on acid.

56. Plymouth Fury

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When the Plymouth Fury was being made, the designers were kidnapped by aliens and forced to design it to their specifications. This was the result.

57. Packard Hawk

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Because calling it the “Packard Catfish” wouldn’t have gone so well. And for an osprey, it looks delicious. Only 588 were sold in 1958. And after that, Packard was gone.

58. Ferrari California

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Oh, my God, this bug eyed convertible appears to have come to life. And it looks like it’s meant for a children’s show. Guess the people of California aren’t impressed.

59. Ferrari Enzo

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Yet, another life sized and overpriced Hot Wheels car. Others may say it resembles a permanently baffled cod. Not paying $650,000 for this monstrosity.

60. Datsun F10

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From a standpoint, its bug eyed headlights tend to make it the Peter Lorre of the auto world. Would later be known by the even less appropriate moniker the Nissan Cherry.

61. 1971 Mercury Cougar

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To call it thus is just an insult to cougars. But this is a car from the 1970s with a monstrous grill. Perhaps a cougar attack might improve its looks.

62. Mercedes-Benz G-Class

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Man, Mercedes sure does make a lot of fancy looking Humvees. Wait a minute, it’s for civilian use at $135,000? Yikes.

63. Ford Mustang II

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You know how some movies have shitty sequels? Well, in the car world, the Ford Mustang II was this in the 1970s. Basically consists of a Ford Pinto with a mustang emblem on the grill.

64. Buick Electra 225

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From Edmunds: “All the 1950s styling clichés fight each other to the death on a relentlessly tasteless car. You could slice ham with those tail fins.” Sort of resembles some 1950s Batmobile.

65. Mercury Turnpike Cruiser

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From Edmunds: “It features a ridiculous front bumper, radio antennas shooting forward from the roof, silly side trim and a rear window that goes down. What’s not to love/hate?” Kind of unsightly if you ask me.

66. Subaru 360

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From Edmunds: “It looks sort of like concrete that’s been left to harden in a wheelbarrow, only less comfortable.” One of the first Japanese cars sold in the States, it didn’t go well.

67. Hummer H2

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I’ve seen these and in that color. And let me say, the world would be a better place if we wipe that car off the face of the earth. Seriously, it’s an unreliable atrocity as well as a notorious gas guzzler. What more can you say?

68. Aurora

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Designed by a Catholic priest with construction partially funded by his parishioners, this car was made to be the ultimate safety vehicle. Still, its sea ray design made its debut a disaster that the designer ended up in financial trouble and was forced to leave his order. Unsurprisingly.

69. Buick Limited

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Described by a critic as, “Dreadful styling, high thirst, gargantuan size, and barge-like handling: There’s no bigger or flashier example of the best and worst in late-50s American cars.”

70. Mitsubishi i-MiEV

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From Edmunds: “An egg that can’t be cracked open and scrambled for breakfast. Exactly the misery module we feared we’d end up driving in the future.”

71. Jaguar XJ-S

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– From Edmunds: “Successor to the lovely E-Type, the XJ-S is Jag’s version of the Chevrolet Monte Carlo. Massive flying buttress roof concludes in huge taillights that together look like red plastic salad tongs.” At least the Chevrolet Monte Carlo was cheaper.

72. Subaru B9 Tribeca

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From Edmunds: “Subaru’s legendary oddness, swollen up in size and then cursed by a Venusian nose and a Martian tail.” This car was incredibly offensive to the eyes and wasn’t on the market for long.

73. Oldsmobile Dynamic 88

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Sure is dynamic all right as you’d see in 1950s muscle cars. But it sure looks like a monstrous beast you wouldn’t want to mess with on the road.

74. Overland OctoAuto

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Designed by the guy who invented the muffler, this 1911 car’s main feature is having 8 wheels for a smoother ride. In reality, all 8 wheels on a car gets you are more tire changes and being the joke of the neighborhood.

75. Fiat S76

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Called “the Beast of Turin” this 1912 steampunk gas guzzler was built specifically to beat a land speed record by Blitzen Benz. Possibly one of the largest Fiats ever built.

76. Sbarro Autobau

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This is a concept car that was based on a spacecraft someone’s kid designed with Legos. It’ll probably never go into production. But serves as a warning that just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

77. Ferrari Conciso

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According to one critic, “A collaboration between Ferrari and a posse of clowns tripping on LSD.” Makes sense.

78. Fiat Aquila

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Another concept car that probably has never been produced. Resembles some kind of transport from another world designed by an alien with poor taste in cars.

79. 2008 Lexus SC-400

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Lexus is known to make nice cars. But this one seems to be made out of an overturned bathtub made into a convertible. Not a pretty sight by any stretch of the imagination.

80. Oldsmobile Omega

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From Wheels.Ca: “Much like the X-90 (which could be a code name for a new member to the X-Men), the Omega also had a kickass name. Sadly, that was the only kickass thing about it. Manufactured for only decade, each update looked uglier and uglier; it eventually resembled a brick cosplaying as a car. The grill was so hideous that it looked like a cheese grater on steroids. There was a rumor that stated once you got behind the wheel, you instantly aged 15 years and developed arthritis. It’s fitting that Oldsmobile was the manufacturer of the Omega.”

81. Scion XB

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It’s a cross between a U-Haul and a snow plow truck in minivan form. To onlookers, it’s horrendous as can be.

82. Peel P50 Trident

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A 3-wheeled small car made in the 1960s. This one is light, compact, and fuel efficient. Unfortunately, it won’t get you laid.

83. Scion Hako

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Another concept that was probably never put into production. Mostly it’s because it resembles a mini 18 wheeler.

84. Ford Taurus

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A bug-eyed flying saucer on wheels. Except that it doesn’t fly which is disappointing.

85. Brutsch Mopetta

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From Listoid: “Words cannot describe the shame one feels when seen driving this ‘thing.’” On the bright side, it’s guaranteed to prevent teen pregnancy.

86. Toyota FJ Cruiser

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Guess this is Toyota’s answer to the Hummer. Possibly more fuel efficient but sure to make people think any male owner is trying to compensate for something.

87. Bufori Geneva

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It’s a high class luxury vehicle made in Australia that’s suitable for the up and coming supervillain with wads of cash. I’m talking to you, Lex Luthor.

88. Lightburn Zeta

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From Bloomberg: “This Australian car was designed by a maker of cement mixers and washing machines, but that might be obvious. There are two grilles, both in a fence-like pattern, with protruding headlights on either side.” Looks like something’s that straight out of Dr. Seuss.

89. Talbot Matra Rancho

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A British made car, it was one of the first SUVS. But to me, it’s what you get when you cross a pickup truck with a rusty Popemobile. No offense, your holiness.

90. Nissan Leaf

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From Rant Cars: “The nature-friendly Leaf is all electric, and like other things found in nature, looks like it has eyes on top of its head. It sure makes a statement though – nobody will ever mistake it for a lowly gasoline car.”

91. Marcos Mantis

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From About Autos: “This four-seat British sports “car” appears to have been designed by three different people, at three different times, all suffering from three completely different emotional disorders. It’s as if someone discovered a scrap-heap of bad design ideas and decided to assemble them as some sort of Christmas party joke, which was then discovered by a mentally deficient middle manager who put the resulting mess into production.”

92. Rolls Royce Camargue

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From Edmunds: “Pininfarina proves that with a little provocation it can design a clumsy and ridiculous coupe. It’s a Rolls-Royce that looks like a Fiat.” Said to be one of the most expensive cars at the time. But money can’t always buy taste.

93. Reva Electric Car

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Sure it runs on electric, but it’s said to be Top Gear’s “Worst Car of the Year.” Still, kind of resembles a car you’d see on a children’s show.

94. Weber Sportscar Faster One

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From Jalopnik: “What can you say about the Weber Faster One that hasn’t already been explained to a court-appointed psychiatrist at the war crimes trail for the designers behind the Swiss monstrosity? Though fast, wicked fast, the Faster One looks like an angry Frenchman whose head has been bashed in and has taken revenge on the world that has made him an outcast. Hide the children when this car is around.”

95. Cadillac Escalade

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It’s supposed to be a SUV luxury vehicle. But its looks rank about as high as its resale value.

96. Tata Magic Iris

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When I see this, I think about a sci-fi robot on wheels. Nevertheless, why they named it after a magical flower is beyond me. But that’s India for you.

97. Ford Ka Series 1

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From Bt: “It looked like the face of a Hello Kitty character but without the ‘cute’. And the front of the new one looks like it’s shouting obscenities at you. Horrible.”

98. Messerschmitt KR200

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I think this might be the ugly stepsister of the Volkswagen Beetle. And it shows.

99. BMW Isetta

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Small, compact, and fuel efficient. Nevertheless, resembles the Volkswagen Beetle without its charm and pizazz. And is probably more expensive, too.

100. Chevy Chevette

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From Marooned: “let’s see… ugly headlight assembly borrowed from the Pacer? Check. Odd, “melted” looking rear hatchback? Check. Crappy whitewalls and economy hubcaps? Check. This is one ‘Vette you don’t want Prince to sing about…”

Valentine’s Day Gifts That Really Kill the Romance

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For some couples, it’s not unusual to buy gifts for each other to express their mutual love. As for a perpetually single woman like me, I usually receive gifts of candy from my parents. Nevertheless, unless it pertains to expensive jewelry, most Valentine’s Day gifts shouldn’t be too expensive. For women, candy, roses, and a possible stuff toy will do. Jewelry is fine,too. For men, well, candy and whatever they like because Valentine’s Day isn’t the best holiday for guy gifts. Now I can talk about the best Valentine’s gifts to give your significant other all I want. But I know that you would find it boring that you’d avoid me like the plague. So instead, I’ll show you a treasure trove of possible Valentine’s Day gifts you want to avoid. Some of these are rather inappropriate. Some are just tacky beyond belief. Some are sexist. And some will more than ensure a Valentine’s Day breakup. And Valentine’s Day is the worst day for breaking up isn’t it? So for your reading pleasure, here are some stuff you want to avoid giving your sweetheart this Valentine’s Day. Some of these aren’t safe for work by the way.

  1. Deluxe Comfort Girlfriend Body Pillow
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Because there’s no gift on Valentine’s Day that says “I love you, but I’m not big on giving you affection.” That or “if your’re starved for hugs, don’t come to me.”

2. Deluxe Comfort Boyfriend Body Pillow

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It’s the kind of Valentine’s Day gift you’d expect Spock to give Uhura in the Star Trek movies. You know to show that he cares.

3. Luxury Plush Body Wrap/Blanket

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Things are sure to heat up on Valnentine’s Day wen your girlfriend puts on a dress made out of a sleeping back. C’mon, look at that sexy lady. She looks totally hot in this sexy uh, thing.

4. Control a Woman Remote Control

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Okay, I know this is supposed to be a gag gift. But it’s just so wrong on so many levels. For one, it’s incredibly sexist toward women. Second, it doesn’t work. Trust me.

5. Romantic Sweetheart Mini Garden Planter

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Well, “romantic sweetheart” for those who are members of the Munsters or the Addams Family. Still, this is incredibly creepy.

6. The Sweat-heart Sweet-shirt

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From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “It’s a sweatshirt built for two! So whether you want to take a walk in the park, go tailgating at a football game, or just to snuggle on the couch, the Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt will make sure your honey can’t escape.” Okay, that’s a little too close for comfort. Love that guy’s face though.

7. Smittens

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From Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva: “Smittens are perfect for the couple who loves to hold hands, but want to have their skin touching (and probably sweating) as long as they are bound together by fabric. ” I think I’ll pass on this one.

8. Cigarette Holder for Two

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Because why should it just be one of you who comes down with lung cancer? With this you can fill your lungs with tar together. And look ridiculous doing it.

9. His and Her Furniture

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Not recommended for couples with children. Or couples who entertain a lot. Or couples who have elderly parents living with them. Or anyone who doesn’t have their home decorated like a strip club.

10. His and Her Bikini Jeans

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Okay, some people might like denim and bikinis as much as the next person. However, this doesn’t mean the two things should be combined into one product. This just guarantees you to look stupid together.

11. Trouser Expander

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than making your boyfriend feel inadequate about his penis size. Ladies, you might want to avoid giving your man this. Seriously, don’t do it.

12. Oyster in a Can Pearl Necklace

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I’ve heard of homemade necklaces but this is outrageous. Seriously, guys, as far as homemade necklaces are concerned, give your girlfriend a plastic pearl one instead.

13. Brief Jerky Edible Meat Underwear

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Personally, I don’t like the idea of edible underwear at all. However, these sure give a new meaning for the word, “man meat.” Seems more like a gift to give for the beef jerky in your life.

14. Cork Pants

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Yes, these are homemade and this guy is a very brave man to pose for them. Nevertheless, just because you can craft something doesn’t mean you should. And these prove it.

15. Anti-Wrinkle Bra

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Yes, it’s a bra that’s supposed to keep your cleavage smooth and attractive as well as fight vertical boob wrinkles. Still, don’t buy a woman this ever, unless you’re looking for a break up.

16. Hug Me Jacket

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That’s a cute name for something that seems to appear from straight out of your darkest nightmares. When I look at this, I don’t think of hugs. I think of horror.

17. Love Life Calendar

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This calendar allows you to record exactly how you feel about the state of your relationship every single day. Not sure if that’s a Valentine’s Day worthy gift.

18. Pizza Hut Proposal

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When it comes to proposal dinners, this probably falls along the lines of what not to do. Unless she really likes Pizza Hut, you might want to stick to a fancy restaurant or cook the dinner yourself.

19. Elephant Poop Paper Roses

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Because there is nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than presenting your sweetheart paper roses made of what came out of an elephant’s ass. Sure they may be eco-friendly, but that doesn’t mean you should buy them for your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day.

20. His and Her Tongue Scrapers

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The Valentine’s gift that says, “I love you but your oral hygiene stinks.” Still, are tongue scrapers really necessary? Because for cleaning tongue, I usually use a toothbrush. It’s cheaper.

21. Fundies

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I know in relationships you and your partner share a lot of things like a life together. However, underwear shouldn’t be one of them.

22. Chocolate Covered Scale

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The kind of Valentine’s gift that says, “Heard you like chocolate and you’re fat.” The kind of gift given by some unrepentent jerk who wants to entice and ruin his girlfriend’s self-esteem at the same time.

23. Hooters Valentine’s Day Dinner Surprise

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Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a dinner date at a place known for its scantily clad, big boobed waitresses. Seriously, Hooters is the worst place to have a dinner date on Valentine’s Day for very obvious reasons.

24. 2-Carat Mug

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Sure it might come in a nice box. But don’t be fooled, ladies. He’s not proposing. He’s just giving you a Valentine’s Day gift mug. Sorry to disappoint you.

25. Diamond Ring Keychain

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I’m sure presenting your girlfriend with a keychain diamond ring won’t go well at all. She will not think it’s funny. In fact, she’ll probably be furious.

26. Man Crates Jerky Heart

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Ladies, want to please your man while sending him to an early grave to high blood pressure? This is Valentine’s Day gift you’ve been waiting for. While you’re at it, have him wash them down with some Campbell’s soup. Or just give him a carton of cigarettes.

27. “You’re My Favorite Thing To Do” Mug

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From Refinery 29: “Yes, it does look like that’s one person mercilessly strangling another. And yes, that will happen to you if you gift this to your S.O.” Also, might look a bit like rape.

28. Willie Egg Fryer

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Guess this is used as a part of an R-Rated breakfast. And I see the yolks are standing in for balls. Seriously, this is just crazy!

29. “Be Brave & Keep Going” Bracelet

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From Refinery29: “The subtext is, ‘Just keep riding until you drop off that cliff up ahead, because I never want to see you again.'” Yeah, you might be headed for a breakup after Valentine’s Day.

30. Valentine’s Day Controller

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From Refinery29: “Nothing says ‘stunted adolescence’ quite like un-ironically gifting someone milk chocolate. Oh, and the fact that it’s shaped like a PlayStation controller makes it that much worse.”

31. Papi Jock Strap

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From Refinery29: “If every kiss begins with ‘K,’ then every breakup begins with ‘performance jock strap.'” Ladies, if you love your man, avoid giving him this. Will save you a lot of trouble.

32. Shot to the Heart Pencil Holder

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From Refinery29: “This unintentionally macabre ‘shot to the heart’ desk accessory is just what the witch doctor ordered.” Yeah, that’s incredibly creepy if you ask me. Best gift for someone who’s into office work and voodoo.

33. Heart in Hand

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Sure it might seem touching. But keep in mind that this is a kitschy, disembodied hand. Probably the kind of gift that says, “I don’t know you at all.”

34. Monna Candle

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From Refinery29: “A candle that looks like if Georgia O’Keeffe designed a massive dildo for The Lord of the Rings — sign me up!”

35. Sex Checks

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From Huffington Post: “The description boasts, ‘Who says money can’t buy you love?’ which we’re pretty sure was the original slogan for prostitution.” Also, I’m sure they’re not worth anything, unlike cash.

36. The Fifty Shades of Grey Toy Collection

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Unless you and your partner are into BDSM or the E. L. James Trilogy, this says, “I have terrible taste and I’m even worse in bed.” Best to settle with flowers and candy.

37. Sex Scratch-Offs

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Compared to this, scratch off Lotto tickets are more desirable. And your chances of winning the lottery are less than being struck by a meteor. Or a satellite.

38. “Fresh Balls”

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I’m sure Valentine’s Day is a perfect occasion for you to tell your boyfriend that he has sweaty balls and you don’t like it. Ladies, avoid this like the plague.

39. Massage Chair

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A nice little way to tell your partner that you’re dumping a lot of money on a gift that’s clearly for you. Just another example of your failure as a partner. Cooking a romantic dinner is much cheaper and your partner is more likely to appreciate it.

40. Bliss Fat Girl Six Pack

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Okay, another way to tell your girlfriend that she’s fat and needs to lose weight. Really not something to tell her on Valentine’s Day. Also, I don’t think this works.

41. Love Message Disc Shooter

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From Village Voice: “Ow! Oh, that’s cute, honey, I love you too. Ow! I said I love you! Okay? Ow! It’s not funny anymore! Cut it out! OW! Okay, fucker, give me that thing….”

42. Don’t Forget Ring

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What you think this gift says about you: “I gave this to you so you won’t forget that I love you and enjoy life.” What it really says about you: “I didn’t know what to get you for Valentine’s Day so I wasted $7 on this piece of crap.”

43. Cleopatra Clamp

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that their looks aren’t good enough. So they gave you a way to get a dirt cheap nose job in one of the most painful ways possible. I also call this one, “the fastest way to get dumped by Adrien Brody.”

44. Bald Guyz Head Wipes

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From Inventor Spot: “This great product can remind him that he’s not only bald, but that he’s disgustingly sweaty too. Hooray for destroying your lover’s self confidence!”

45. Mangroomer

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I guess this gift says, “Honey, I love you, but I’m rather turned off by how you look like a gorilla. So I gave you an electric shaver for back hair.”

46. Eau de Pizza Hut Perfume

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Just because someone might like the smell from Pizza Hut doesn’t mean that they want to smell like Pizza Hut. Still, I can’t believe this actually existed and was only made for promotional purposes.

47. Naked Bacon Cooking Armor

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Because nothing says “I love you” on Valentine’s Day than a gift to your man suggesting how you want to see him cook breakfast without much on. If you want to see that, being naked in an apron works just as well.

48. Bitch Perfume

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Not sure what it’s supposed to smell like. But I don’t think many women would want their man giving them something with the word, “Bitch” on it. Then again, maybe that’s just me.

49. Adjoining Toilets

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For one, I think this might require a big bathroom since you just can’t prop this to a wall. Second, ever heard a thing called “privacy?” It’s the reason why public toilets are in stalls.

50. Penis Pasta

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Because nothing makes a great romantic dinner for two on Valentine’s Day than a pasta dish full of dicks. Yeah, I’m sure they’re serving that for dinner at some high end whorehouse.

51. Whiskey and Tobacco Cologne

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Because nothing makes a man more attractive on Valentine’s Day than smelling like he’s just came out of a bar. It’s the kind that makes you wonder whether he might have a problem and think about getting a divorce.

52. T’s for 2

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I’m sure making love in a T-shirt built for 2 isn’t as fun as it looks. Again, there are things couples might share in relationships. But I don’t think T-shirts should count.

53. Touch and Know Drug Test

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Because nothing says Valentine’s Day than telling your partner that you suspect that they might have a substance abuse problem. And that you have issues of trust.

54. Candy Nipple Tassels

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Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a gift telling your girlfriend that you want her to do a stripper routine while wearing inedible candy. Seriously, why?

55. Sex Bell

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Because there’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than treating your partner the same way Pavlov treats his pooch. So if they’re good in bed, do they get any treats?

56. Single Shot Garter

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From Cracked: “Here’s a gift that has some honesty behind it. The garter says “Hey baby, I wanna see you in your underwear” and the flask says ‘But you’re gonna need to be drunk for this to work.'” Okay, I think any woman receiving this might think of seeing other people.

57. Jane Seymour Open Hearts Jewelry

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Show that you love her this Valentine’s Day with this overpriced mall necklace that resembles 2 butts in an ‘S’ shape. She’ll totally love it.

58. Plush Love Rat

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Because nothing says “I love you” than presenting your sweetheart with a plushie of a heart spotted vermin. You might want to stick with a teddy bear instead.

59. Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth Westheimer

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Because nothing says Valentine’s Day like receiving a manual from your sweetheart that suggest that you aren’t as great a lover as you initially thought. Or that you’re suspecting that your partner might be a virgin if you hadn’t done it already.

60. Bliss Poetic Personal Waxing Kit

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Nothing makes a more romantic Valentine’s Day than a gift to your girlfriend telling her that she needs to remove her disgusting body hair. And you don’t think anything not involving self-administered torture.

For Sale Ads the Buyer Beware

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When you look inside any newspaper, on Craigslist, or wherever, you tend to find a lot of people selling some of their stuff. Houses and cars are usually the most listed item but it’s not uncommon to find pets, furniture, and other things either. It’s kind of like a circulation of crap from one owner to the next at times. Yes, people tend to be in certain situations that gives them the reason to sell like job loss, divorce, relocation, or death. Most ads of such type tend to be matter of fact and get straight to the point. But this isn’t the post for these since you tend to find them boring. Not to mention, getting through classified ads tends to be a rather dull adventure. But once in a while, you might end up finding ones that are sort of entertaining. And you might find others that might make you scratch your head and wonder why they thought to post this on Craigslist, the classifieds, or wherever. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of for sale ads that should be avoid if your seriously considering to buy  something. But if you’re looking for giggles, go right ahead. Just be aware that some of the content might not be safe for work.

  1. If you like John Deere tractors and hate sitting or steering them, I’ve found you a perfect ride.
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Not sure if a tractor without a steering wheel is even worth buying. I mean why buy a tractor if you can’t drive it? A steering wheel serves a very important purpose.

2. Picturesque 3 bedroom house in forest, buy it now for the offer won’t last long.

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I can guess why the seller is very motivated to sell this house. And I can see why the offer won’t last long. Still, it’s a nice house. But it runs a very high fire risk that might undermine its property value.

3. Can’t break up with your significant other? Buy a divorce couch.

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According to this Craigslist ad, this one has been responsible for 4 breakups and kept a divorcee single for 2 years. Nevertheless, I’m sure relationship breakups aren’t caused by furniture. But this owner isn’t taking any chances.

4. Soft black Italian leather couch for sale, has some wear but is super comfy.

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Uh, my parents have gotten rid of furniture that have looked better than this. It’s also bursting at the seams in two places. But I’m sure any WVU student would love it during football season.

5. 2002 Harley Davidson V-ROD for Sale due to owner’s personal issues.

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Looks like somebody didn’t keep his zipper up. Now he’s facing the consequences by having to sell his motorcycle to pay legal fees. Fellas, this is what could happen to you if you don’t keep it in your pants. Don’t be this guy.

6. At Farmer Clem’s Huge Pot Sale, everything is 70% off.

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Apparently, Farmer Clem has no idea that “pot” can pertain to a recreational drug as well as crockery. I’m sure stoners are bound to be disappointed.

7. The Honda CBR 250 is an excellent car for the enterprising criminal.

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Sure this is a great car for outrunning the cops. But that’s not something you’d want to put in a used car ad. Also, I think John giving away his phone number might give him a one way ticket to the big house.

8. Fellas, get this sweet ass 2001 Ford Taurus and it will get you through explosions and help you get laid.

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At the end this guy said that he didn’t write this and that he’s merely a fan of the original poster. And he’s also said that several other people who’ve posted this ad have been flagged. Nevertheless, I’m sure a Ford Taurus isn’t the car that survives explosions.

9. Free car available, because it’s just been dug up in somebody’s yard.

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Based on this description, I bet the car advertised appears to be one that’s normally headed for the junk yard. Also requests that you bring your own bobcat and tow truck.

10. Buy a 2005 Nissan Xterra for $12900 and receive a free pair of MC Hammer pants.

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This guy goes all the way to say how this car is for men in action movies. Also says that he’ll beat up any potential buyers who’ll give him $5,000 for it.

11. Parachute for sale, only used once, never opened.

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I think you can guess what happened to the previous owner. I’m sure it didn’t end in a happy landing.

12. For Sale, 1999 Acura Integra, good condition, has only been in one accident.

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Sure it’s only been rolled once. But please, did the seller have to post a picture of it in the classifieds? Seriously, I don’t think that’s going to inspire confidence in potential buyers.

13. Coffee Table of the Gods-sure to cost $7.83, 4 cans of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli, and a photo of Betty White.

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The ad also says that it’s “perfect for someone with a cocaine habit or shooting a porno movie.” Also says that buyers might be subjected to a quiz to determine their level of bad-assery.

14. Box of 10 year old Twinkies up for sale for $5.

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I don’t know about you, but I think charging $5 for a box of 10 year old Twinkies is a bit much. I think they might be quite stale.

15. For Sale: human skull, not plastic, used once. Costs $200.

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The fact that it’s not plastic kind of disturbs me. Let’s hope that nobody dug this up in a cemetery.

16. Sorry, but this 2005 Nissan Maxima isn’t for sale.

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So if it’s not for sale, then why does this person have it in the Classified section. Just doesn’t make sense.

17. For Sale: One pair of hardly used dentures with 2 teeth missing.

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Sorry, but even “hardly” used dentures with 2 kind of disgust me. Seriously, I don’t think I’d pay a dime for them, let alone $100.

18. Need a better way to clean the dishes and a breast cancer screening? Well, here’s your answer.

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Well, for a dish washer like that, you can’t resist to buy it for $20. Think of it , ladies, a dishwasher that also examines your boobs. It’s a steal.

19. Soccer Ball: either signed by the Brazilian legend Pele or some guy named Peter.

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It’s probably signed by some guy named “Peter.” Seriously, where in the hell could anyone find a soccer ball signed by such a legend? Yeah, me neither.

20. For Sale: casket that has been only used once.

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So what happened to the last person who used it? Wait a minute, aren’t caskets usually used once? Isn’t that the idea?

21. For Sale by owner due to personal crisis.

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You have to feel bad for this guy because his life seems to run like a country western song. Still, I don’t think he’s going to get a great offer due to the asbestos, which has been known to cause mesothelioma.

22. Home for sale, mice included.

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Normally when a home has mice, it doesn’t make for good real estate. I mean nobody wants to live in a place that’s infested with vermin.

23. Used tombstone for sale, perfect for someone named Homer Hendelbergeneinzel.

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Uh, aren’t tombstones supposed to have names carved into them? Also, how on earth would anyone get their hands on a used tombstone? Theft?

24. This magical piece of driftwood of mysterious origin could be yours at the price of $8,997 or a boat.

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I’m sure $8,997 is way over priced for a piece of driftwood. You know, the kind of stuff you find near almost any body of water. Wonder if it’s wreckage from a boat. Wouldn’t be surprised.

25. All dogs are for sale, but keep in mind it’s a big responsibility.

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I like this one. If you want a dog, fine. But if you just want a dog to make you feel better, go to a hospital for therapy. Yes, good advice.

26. Fish tank for sale, along with some terrible fish.

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This one has 2 fish. One is named Kevin who’s a jerk and has got it out for goldfish. The other one is his brother Neal who is murderous scum. Didn’t know fish can be such jerks.

27. House for sale, because neighbor’s a dick.

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I think this guy should reconsider. We all have that one asshole neighbor out there. But most of us deal with it and live our lives. This guy should do the same.

28. For sale, slice of American cheese left in fridge.

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Seriously, a slice of American cheese? I wouldn’t think that’s worthy to put it on Craigslist. If it’s in excellent condition, why don’t you just eat the thing and be done with it? That’s what most people do.

29. Diamond ring for sale, very pretty, possibly cursed.

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Well, that’s a pretty ring and at least the previous girl wearing it had the courtesy to return it to him. Still, like the part how he plans to throw it into the fires of Mordor if it’s not sold by Christmas.

30. High-maintainence car for sale, no longer reliable.

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This guy could’ve avoided all his car trouble if he had tried to buy a car with Consumer Reports. Still, like how he photoshopped that girl in the front view.

31. For the price of $3995, you can drive this VW convertible as is if someone ever finds the wheels and who stole them.

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So looking at this picture, I suppose that this car doesn’t take you anywhere. One of its key features is obviously lacking.

32. For sale, 275-300 cinder blocks for $1, just get these fucking blocks of this property.

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Man, this guy seems to have a vocabulary that you’d expect from a character on The Wire. I mean they’re saying f-bombs left and right.

33. This 1971 Duster can be yours at the price of $3500.

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Oh, my God, that looks like a literal piece of junk. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop the owner from promoting it as a perfect father and son restoration project.

34. Dog for sale. Name’s Rottie. But also goes by Mr. Giggles.

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He’s said to be good with children, well mannered, and is a great companion. Sorry, but looking at the picture, I just don’t buy it.

35. For sale, the most uncomfortable chair ever made.

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It’s funny how this seller is trying to attract buyers for it. Says it’s an antique, solidly built, easy to carry, and be used as a weapon.

36. Free to a good home but I’m not sure who the guy’s talking about in this.

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At first, he seems to be talking about his dog. But as you go on, he seems to be talking about his girlfriend and how much of a bitch she is. Still, if he loves his dog so much, why doesn’t he just kick his girlfriend out?

37. Middleton home for sale, perfect for enterprising pot farmers.

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Something tells me that whoever is selling this home got busted for growing pot. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because this ad mentions a room that’s spectacular room to grow marijuana.

38. Keyboards for sale, will ask for a bare price.

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Guess that’s one way to grab a reader’s attention on Craigslist. Still, I wonder why this guy thought posing nude with a keyboard was a good idea. Why?

39. This suburban home in the hills of Wyomissing offers a spectacular view of a local Wal Mart.

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Hmmm…something tells me that a viewing a local Wal-Mart from a private deck wouldn’t be very spectacular. In fact, quite the contrary.

40. For sale, 1995 Ford Escort, now at a reduced price.

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Something tells me that this isn’t a great car. Well, it’s not just the price reduction. There’s also “beats walkin” in the description. Yes, this is probably a shitty car.

41. Fork for sale, $.50, also selling garbage disposal.

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Let me guess, someone left a fork in the drain when they turned on the garbage disposal. Not surprised that it needs repair.

42. For sale, Ryan Turbidy’s underwear. Who is he? You know the new face of the Late Late Show.

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Don’t know about you but this guy seems to have spoken too soon. Seriously, I don’t know who this guy is. And I’m sure the new face of The Late Late Show is an Englishman named James Corden.

43. These hamsters are free or cost $1.00, depending whom you call.

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Seems like Allen’s mother is desperate to get rid of the hamsters. That or Allen wants to make some money on the side.

44. For sale, dresser that ex-girlfriend left behind.

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This guy is describing his ex-girlfriend’s dresser as well as talking trash about his ex-girlfriend. Boy, this guy sure is bitter, my God.

45. Vibrator for sale, used twice, great condition.

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First off, does anyone know what a vibrator is? Second, would anyone be willing to buy one used? Didn’t think so.

46. Bike for sale. Costs $10,ooo, but be careful.

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I’m sure this bike isn’t nearly as nice than it in the picture. Let’s just say, “Apparently, ‘do whatever the f*** you want’ doesn’t mean what I thought,” might give you a clue why it’s on sale.

47. Seems like there’s a moving sale nearby.

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Kind of sad that this family has to move because the guy couldn’t keep it in his parents. Still, at least the wife has the last laugh with this picture. What an asshole.

48. Star Trek portraits for sale, to support World of Warcraft subscription.

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Seems like some guy might have an addiction to World of Warcraft. Nevertheless, I’m sure he’ll have no trouble finding buyers for his Star Trek paintings.

49. Treadmill for sale, because running is apparently hard.

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Guess somebody has given up on their New Year’s Resolutions. Still, buying fitness equipment is a waste of money, especially in January.

50. Mattress for sale, like new, has a slight urine smell.

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Well, at least they’re honest. Nevertheless, not sure if anyone is willing to buy a mattress somebody peed on.

51. Couch for sale, said to be owned by Barry Gibb.

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Okay, does this couch look like something Barry Gibb would own? My point exactly, no way in hell. Doesn’t stop people from trying though.

52. House for sale, has huge dick for entertaining and enjoying the views.

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Okay, that’s supposed to be “deck” not “dick.” Do you see why people need to check before they send it out to the public? Yeah, typos can totally change the original meaning.

53. iPhone bumper for sale. Available in Cape Town only.

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Reading this, you wonder what the hell is going on in South Africa. Still, why the hell is this person selling something like an iPhone bumper online I don’t understand.

54. 4 year old boy for sale. Has temper tantrum issues.

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Looks like somebody is going to jail once Child Services gets a hold of this. And I don’t think it’s this little boy who’s doing stuff you’d expect from a 4-year-old.

55. Wanna be a real man? Well, you need to buy this watch.

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Seems like this guy goes to great lengths to sell this watch, saying how it will many any guy a real man. Still, not sure if it’s worth a million bucks though.

56. Laptop for sale, only slightly damaged.

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Yeah, tis but a scratch indeed. Seems more like it’s been smashed by a sledgehammer if you ask me. More like something you might want to sell for scrap.

57. Couch for sale, David Hasselhoff not included.

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I’m sure that’s totally photoshopped. Because David Hasselhoff totally doesn’t look like that now. Still, don’t understand why people like him.

58. Potty chair for sale, solid oak, light brown stain.

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I think “stain” in this means wood stain. However, sometimes you have to wonder.

59. Rob Ford bobblehead for sale, money goes to the Philippines.

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Wonder if anyone is going to take a crack at this. Guess Rob Ford isn’t very popular in Toronto.

60. 15 used snuggies for sale. Either one at a time or all at once.

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Guy says that there might be some small stains on a few of them and someone might’ve died in one. But he says it’s no big deal.

61. Loaf of whole wheat bread for sale at $65.

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I’m sure this is an ad used to punk people who believe in the snopocalypse. Still, you can buy any loaf of bread cheaper at your local grocery store.

62. Shovel for sale. Comes with free extension cord. No Jews, please.

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I know whoever is selling this is a flaming anti-Semite. And I wouldn’t buy a shovel from him. But still, it’s great to laugh at.

63. Car for sale, not posting a picture because it has a lot of dents in it.

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Like how he says that he wants the buyer to come while his wife’s home. He wants her to see that he put the car up. Guess she doesn’t believe him.

64. For sale, 8 day old partially eaten turkey. Still has drumsticks.

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Look, I like turkey as much as the next person. However, I wouldn’t pay $23 for a partially eaten one. No way in hell.

65. For sale, used toilet paper.

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Used toilet paper. That seems like a great thing to sell. Then again, for the love of God, it’s disgusting. Please let this be a joke.

66. For sale, china cabinet. Has some cat scratches. But that’s taken care of.

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Sure this seems like a lovely china cabinet. However, not sure of what I think about the cat being killed.

67. For sale for $.09, a gently chewed piece of Stride gum.

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This is sick. Seriously, I wouldn’t want to eat a piece of chewed gum. Still, shouldn’t the person just throw it out like a normal person would? That’s gross.

68. KA Nissan 240 motor for sale for $5.

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Hey, this doesn’t seem like it’s advertising a car. It’s a little girl with a gun in her hand which kind of scares the crap out of me. Little girls shouldn’t play with guns. Nor should little boys either.

69. Yugo for sale because it’s a piece of crap.

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This seller not giving this Yugo a good write up saying it runs like a store shopping cart and is as reliable as Bernie Madoff. Then again, the people of Car Talk call this the worst car ever.

70. Boat for sale, needs work.

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Yes, I could’ve guessed it needs a little work. Because it doesn’t seem to have much ability to float if you ask me.

71. Taxidermy mice for sale with button eyes. Can be used as napkin hangers.

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This looks kind of disturbing. Not sure if it’s the dead mice or the buttons. Creepy.

72. For sale, a spectacular 1995 Pontiac Grand Am GT.

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This guy is really going to great aims to sell this car. Also calls it, “Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ.”

73. Moped for sale. Man in speedo not included.

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Not sure if this is a lame attempt at fanservice for these guys surely aren’t ripped. Still, is posing in an ad in a speedo really necessary?

74. Husband for sale for a good low price.

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Doesn’t seem very appealing, does he? So how he managed to be husband I don’t have the slightest idea. Then again, maybe I do.

75. Free sofa. Weatherproof. Hardly used.

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Now that can’t be comfortable. Seriously, it’s a stone couch that’s covered in chicken wire. Then again, it’s fairly low maintenance.

76. 1962 International Rat Rod for sale at $3000.

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Seems like this one was made out of two different cars. And the front end really doesn’t go well with the rest of it. So that’s why they call it a rat rod.

77. Apartments for rent.Spacious first floor has a lice infestation.

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I think that’s supposed to be “live” not “lice.” Still, I don’t see it attracting many buyers. See what typos do to ads if undetected?

78. Seems like there’s an estate sale around the corner.

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Oh, my God, this is the kind of yard sale you’d expect from an Agatha Christie novel. Assuming that yard sales took place in Agatha Christie stories. Still, sounds rather insensitive.

79. Unicorns for sale, must go together at $925,000.

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I’m sure this is a joke. Because we all know that unicorns don’t exist at all. Seriously, whoever makes a serious inquiry regarding unicorns is a complete moron. Then again, one born every minute.

80. Husband or kitten free to a good home, whichever leaves first.

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Well, that’s one way of giving an ultimatum. Still, you have to admit, this ad is pretty hilarious.

Mardi Gras Mambo with These Mardi Gras Craft Projects

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Another big holiday in February is Mardi Gras and that occasion tends to give rise to a lot of partying, especially in New Orleans. Because after that is Ash Wednesday which starts the Lenten season of pertinence for all you Christians out there, particularly my fellow Catholics who aren’t encouraged to eat meat on Fridays. Nevertheless, this  year, Mardi Gras falls on February 9, which is before Valentine’s Day and means that Easter will fall in March this year. Which means I can be free to do stuff pertaining to Star Trek and Harry Potter in April.  Still, I bet there are plenty people who celebrate Mardi Gras since it’s a holiday celebrated in a lot of Catholic countries in one variation or another. Yet, you also have Catholics like me who don’t celebrate the holiday as well as plenty of non-Catholics and non-Christians that do, such as in New Orleans. There it’s a tradition. Anyway, that doesn’t stop so many people from decorating their homes for the holiday or make their own costumes, which is why I’m doing this post. So for your reading pleasure, here are some crafts projects to make in preparation for Mardi Gras.

  1. A Mardi Gras wreath always have to be covered in beads.
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I bet these beads were purchased at a local Wal Mart. Yet, I do love the fleur de lis and the purple bow.

2. Do you have what it takes to make your own Mardi Gras mask?

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This is rather colorful. Bet it took a lot of time to make this though. Yet, I love the artistic detail and the trimmings.

3. Bring the festive Fat Tuesday spirit into your home with this Mardi Gras wall hanging.

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And festive this decoration is, indeed. Love the mask and the fleur de lis. Still, must’ve taken a lot of time to make.

4. This Mardi Gras peacock tulle wreath is bound to look great on any door.

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This looks quite fancy with the peacock feathers and the purple and gold tulle around it. Nevertheless, it’s quite pretty.

5. You can’t go to a Mardi Gras party without topping it all off with some crazy feathered hat.

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Seems to resemble the kind of hats you probably see in a Dr. Seuss story. Then again, going crazy on Mardi Gras is to be expected.

6. You can’t have too many feathers on your Mardi Gras mask.

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This mask seems to be made from silk petals, purple and yellow feathers, and gold glitter. Yet, seems easier to make than the other one.

7. Grace your door this Mardi Gras with a tulle wreath of green, purple, and yellow.

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Yes, this is another Mardi Gras tulle wreath. But this one has a sequin mask, a couple fleur de lis, and border of beads.

8. Of course, on Mardi Gras, you can’t forget the fleur de lis.

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Yes, it’s a French symbol. But as an American, I’m going with the New Orleans tradition here. And people over there use it for Mardi Gras.

9. Nothing is more festive on Mardi Gras than a peacock feather wreath.

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I’m sure you can find peacock feathers like these at any craft store. Nevertheless, this wreath is certainly lovely if you ask me.

10. A Mardi Gras parasol makes a mighty fine centerpiece.

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Not sure if this could fit in my dining room. Probably would yet it might make contact with the ceiling fan. Still, I love the dangling flowers. Very pretty.

11. A mask and feathers always look great on any Mardi Gras wreath.

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Yes, I know I keep putting wreaths on there. But there’s a reason for that. This one has an elaborate mask as well as purple feathers sprouting on it.

12. Attend a Mardi Gras party in your very own Mardi Gras dress.

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Seems like it’s mostly made from feathers glued to some dress. Nevertheless, I have to admire this woman’s creative spirit for it is rather colorful.

13. Seems like a lot of festive stuff can come out of one mere Mardi Gras hat.

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I think this could either be a centerpiece or a wall hanging. I’m not sure which. Still, it’s a rather creative decoration if you ask me.

14. Shine at a Mari Gras party this year wearing this rosette mask.

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The rosettes are all made from tissue paper in this and making them takes some time. But it also has a purple feather for added effect.

15. Celebrate this Mardi Gras with your very own parasol mask centerpiece.

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This looks rather pretty with feathers and see through fabric on it. Doesn’t hurt that it’s purple, too.

16. When making a Mardi Gras wreath, always put the jester mask in the center.

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I’m sure this jester mask might potentially frighten kids. However, for some strange reason, I actually think this is cool.

17. You can’t have a better Mardi Gras decoration in your home than a fleur de lis made of beads.

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This is of a fleur de lis made from Mardi Gras beads you can get from any store. Yet, I’m sure making this requires a lot of time and patience.

18. A Mardi Gras tulle wreath always has to have some bows and beads on it.

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Out of all the tulle wreaths I’ve shown so far, this seems like the most simple to make. Then again, I’m sure you might need wires for the beads to stand up like that.

19. You can’t go to a Mardi Gras party without a headband of a fleur de lis and feathers.

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This seems to be made from stuff you’d find at any craft store and it shows. Yet, I do like the sequin fleur de lis on this though.

20. Nothing brings in the spirit of Mardi Gras than a hanging of curled up jingle shoes.

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I guess these are supposed to be jester shoes. Doesn’t seem to have big jingles on them. In fact, you can barely see them. But this will do.

21. Dress festively this Mardi Gras with your very won feather mask.

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This seems to be part mask and part headdress. I mean it’s covered with green, yellow, purple, and black feathers. And it has a peacock feather on the top.

22. A vase of masks and feathers makes a great centerpiece for your Mardi Gras table.

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The vase is gold as I can see. And this seems to consist of a couple masks ans a lot of feathers. I see a peacock one and possibly a peasant one.

23. There is never a Mardi Gras wreath that can have too many ribbons.

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And this one seems to have all kinds of ribbons you can think of. Also, has some berries, a fleur de lis, a crown, and those shredded things.

24. Since Mardi Gras comes early this year, wrapping yourself in this quilt wouldn’t hurt.

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Yes, this is a Mardi Gras quilt. Still, this one seems to have fleur de lis and 4 different types of masks on it.

25. You can’t be better dressed for Mardi Gras than in this feather dress.

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This has a black top with purple ribbons and a skirt of green. purple, and yellow feathers. However, looks a bit short as I see it.

26. When it comes to Mardi Gras floats, just decorate a wagon.

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Of course, only do this when your locale has its own Mardi Gras celebration like in New Orleans. Still, I’m sure this float makes this little girl feel like a princess.

27. Don’t have a Mardi Gras dress? Make your own.

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This one has a blue top with a tutu gold, blue, and purple skirt. Also includes a matching peacock mask in silver.

28. You can’t have a peacock wreath without peacock blue.

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This one is quite ornate with ribbons, gold baubles, peacock feathers, and even a couple of peacocks. Still, not sure what peacocks have to do with Mardi Gras.

29. For little girls, this outfit is the perfect Mardi Gras getup.

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The ribbons and bows on this outfit should be a dead giveaway that this is a girlie outfit. But it’s nevertheless a very cute one if you ask me.

30. Be pretty as a peacock this Mardi Gras with this peacock mask of gold.

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Love the peacock feathers on this one. However, I wouldn’t like going to a masquerade and having to hold my mask with a stick all the time. Kind of becomes a pain.

31. Don’t have a parasol for Mardi Gras? Make your own.

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Love this one. It’s a shiny purple with purple feathers. However, hope they don’t use it in the rain. It’s more for decoration.

32. Mardi Gras beads can bring color to anything.

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I guess this is some decorative piece for some table or something. Still, if you buy the right stuff, it looks rather doable.

33. For a simple Mardi Gras wreath, just add glitter and beads.

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Not sure what kind of wreath was used here and I’m positive the use of glitter would cause a real mess. However, it’s pretty.

34. Grace your coffee table this year with some Mardi Gras candles.

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Yes, it consists of 3 purple candles among Mardi Gras stuff. Still, even if they aren’t it, it’s still a sight to behold.

 

35. These Mardi Gras decorations go great on any mantle.

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These are peacock mask decor. With one, you have a table centerpiece. With 2 you have bookends.

36. For Mardi Gras, nothing makes a better wreath center than a fleur de lis.

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This wreath is covered in pom poms and beads. And it has a gold fleur de lis as well as a pied ribbon on it. Quite festive if you ask me.

37. On Mardi Gras, even the mirror has a mask.

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Not sure about making a mirror into a mask. But as a Mardi Gras decoration, this is pretty cool though.

38. When it comes to Mardi Gras wreaths, you can’t go wrong with gold and purple.

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This wreath is decked with baubles, ribbons, a fleur de lis, and a purple peacock mask. I especially like the purple peacock mask in this.

39. For a black hat on Mardi Gras, there always has to be something extra.

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This one is decorated with a green feather mask, 3 top hats, and a couple of black feathers. Sure is festive as I can see it.

40. Of course, you can always go with a Mardi Gras wreath of shiny green.

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This wreath is decorated with ribbons, fleur de lis and a gold feathered mask. Still, I’m sure someone reading this post will like it.

41. If you don’t like wreaths on Mardi Gras, then this door decoration will do.

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This is a fake evergreen garland that’s made into a Mardi Gras Decoration. Includes ribbons, baubles, and 2 fleur de lis.

42. You can’t go to a Mardi Gras party without your peacock mask.

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Yes, this is another gold peacock mask. But this one has a green stick and more peacock feathers. Still, it’s pretty.

43. As far as Mardi Gras goes, this wreath tends to have everything.

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This one includes masks, peacock feathers, beads, ribbons, and baubles. It’s lovely for any door and the kind of wreath for a true Mardi Gras fan.

44. For shinier flair, go with baubles.

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The baubles on this wreath seem to be quite sparkly and shiny in this picture. Then again, must be the lighting.

45. Drink to your health this Fat Tuesday with Mardi Gras wine glasses.

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One is of a fleur de lis and the other is of a purple mask. Either way, whoever painted these did a better job than I ever could.

46. Be king of your house party with this Mardi Gras crown block.

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And boy, someone spent a lot of time on this. It’s very intricately done as you look on the crown. Love the purple ribbon though.

47. Grace your table  with this Mardi Gras fleur de lis tablecloth.

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As you can see, this isn’t for a dining room table. More for a buffet and one you use to display things. Quite shiny though.

48. Step out to a party this Mardi Gras in these beaded high heeled shoes.

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Yes, these are sparkly high heeled shoes with yellow and purple beads on them for Mardi Gras. However, they sure don’t look comfortable and the heel is quite small.

49. Light up your Mardi Gras with these candle holders.

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These are glass candle holders with some cloth around the candles as well as beads in them. Each holder has beads that are a different color from the cloth as you see.

50. For a Mardi Gras parade, it helps that you have a parasol fit for a king.

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Yes, this is a parasol fit for a Mardi Gras parade with feathers, beads, and the works. Love the crown on this, by the way.

51. Cover your doorway this year with this Mardi Gras garland.

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I’m sure it will bring the festive Mardi Gras spirit to your home. But as far as the weather goes, I think it’s best to put something like this up inside. Just saying.

52. This Mardi Gras jester hat tutu dress is bound to make any little girl smile.

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Yes, this is another cute dress for more wholesome little girls on Mardi Gras. And yes, it’s covered with green, gold, and purple ribbons as you can imagine.

53. Decorate your home with this Mardi Gras bead fleur de lis.

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Now this one is mad of all kinds of Mardi Gras bead strings as you see. And strings of so many different colors. Still, I think this might be a pillow.

54. You just can’t have a peacock wreath without a peacock.

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This is pretty clever. Like how the feathers are all behind the peacock. Still, a real peacock would have a much fancier display.

55. Show the neighbors where the party is with this Mardi Gras lamp post.

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And it actually lights up, how about it? Wait, that’s just cardboard. Still, you have to like the beads and the cardboard signs on this. Really sets the Mardi Gras mood.

56. Got old bottles? Make Mardi Gras decorations out of them.

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These 3 bottles make a fine centerpiece on top of that dish. The green one has a hat. The gold one has feathers. And the purple one has a green mask.

57. For simple garlands, you can’t go wrong with masks.

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These are theatrical masks symbolizing comedy and tragedy. Not sure which one is creepier. Still, like the purple.

58. To liven up your Mardi Gras party, you can’t go wrong with these candle holders.

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These just consist of martini glasses with candles and Mardi Gras beads in them. Seems like a rather doable idea that doesn’t take a lot of time.

59. For a Mardi Gras door hanging, all it takes is a mask and a bow.

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But make sure the bow is bigger and more ornate than the mask. Still, you have to love it even though the jester mask might be a bit creepy.

60. This Mardi Gras tree makes a great party centerpiece.

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Well, all this requires are Mardi Gras beads, feathers, a plastic tube, and a stand. Still, seems like a palm tree you’d see in Dr. Seuss.

61. Light up your party with these Mardi Gras confetti glitter candles.

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These are glitter candles with confetti in them as you see here. The candles are fake. The confetti is real.

62. Speaking of glitter, use it to make your bottles sparkle.

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Yes, these are wine bottles now made into Mardi Gras bottles thanks to the magic of glitter. Still, I like the purple one better.

63. For little girls in New Orleans, this dress makes the perfect Mardi Gras outfit.

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It’s a tutu dress that comes with its own mask and hat. Nevertheless, it’s simply adorable.

64. Before you go out for Mardi Gras, don’t forget your hair combs.

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These are Mardi Gras beaded combs. Unfortunately, Mardi Gras beads were too big for them, so the creator went with a smaller option.

65. A vase of feathers, beads, and masks is bound to make a lovely Mardi Gras centerpiece.

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Seems like a bouquet you’d see in a Dr. Seuss story. But it’s nonetheless impressive if you ask me.

66. There’s no better Mardi Gras wine glass than one with spots.

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Of course, you might start seeing spots if you drink from this. Well, if you drink enough anyway. Still, love the feathers.

67. Celebrate Mardi Gras in your kitchen with this purple apron.

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Yes, it’s an apron. It doesn’t look like a conventional one. But it’s still an apron. And it’s for Mardi Gras as you can tell by the jester mask.

68. Dress your hair with this Mardi Gras feather hair clip.

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I’m sure any woman or girl is bound to stand out with this. That yellow can be seen for miles or in the dark.

69. Alert guests to your Mardi Gras party with a mailbox bow.

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This purple, yellow, and green bow is bound to stand out among the neighborhood. Unless your neighbors are holding Mardi Gras parties of their own.

70. Lighten up your Mardi Gras  party with these fleur de lis bottle lights.

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These look pretty cool. Makes you wonder how they make these things. I mean the glass seems to be of all different colors.

71. You can’t have a great Mardi Gras wreath unless you add a mask.

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This one seems to reflect the New Orleans Mardi Gras tradition wiht a music note. But I seems that it’s weighed down for some reason. But I love the mask.

72. When it comes to Mardi Gras, you can’t do better than a feather wreath.

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This one has pink masks, a pink bow, gold Mardi Gras beads, and some purple stufff rising from it. Still, The feathers seemed to be plucked by some brightly covered bird from Dr. Seuss.

73. Celebrate Fat Tuesday with your very own Mardi Gras ribbon tree.

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It’s a small tree of shiny purple, gold, and green ribbons. And it’s toped with a mask and some feathers. Quite creative to say the least.

74. In true New Orleans fashion, this Mardi Gras wreath will bring music to your ears.

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Yes, New Orleans is best known for stuff like jazz and Mardi Gras. And I shouldn’t forget Hurricane Katrina. And zydeco. And Bountygate with the Saints. Oh, and “When the Saints Go Marching In.”

75. In New Orleans, Mardi Gras parties sure are a bottle of fun.

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I’m sure this bottle is recycled and so are the ribbons. Nevertheless, a lot of drinking goes on during Mardi Gras since it tends to be a holiday where people tend to party very hard. Sometimes to excess.

76. If you want to go festive on Mardi Gras, go purple.

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And this one is all purpled out as you look at it. Still, I do love the peacock feathers on this one. And the purple border.

77. If you love Mardi Gras beads, you’ll adore this bead portrait of a blue dog.

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Not sure what the blue dog has to do with Mardi Gras. Then again, maybe it’s just a blue dog dressed for Mardi Gras.

78. Celebrate Mardi Gras in style with these Mardi Gras bead wine glasses.

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Yes, these are wine glasses decorated with Mardi Gras beads. Not sure if I’d want to hold one. But they sure do sparkle.

79. You can’t go to a Mardi Gras party without donning a purple peacock mask.

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Since I love purple, I certainly adore this mask. I also love the feathers on it, too. Still, I went to a Mardi Gras party, I’d totally wear this if I could.

80. As a Mardi Gras centerpiece, this one has a little bit of everything.

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Seems like this centerpiece has a something for everybody as far as I can see. Nevertheless, sure is festive if you ask me.

Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects

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Anyone who has been in elementary school in America probably has had to do some sort of craft project on Valentine’s Day at some point. One year you might be doing Valentine boxes or the like. Nevertheless, when it comes to Valentine’s Day, many elementary kids don’t have much choice than to participate in it. This consists of sending a set of valentines to their classmates as well as a treat. Yes, it’s kind of a pain, especially for boys who aren’t cultured to have any affinity for such a girly holiday. Nevertheless, there are plenty of craft projects associated with the holiday. And since I did craft projects for the other major holidays, then I couldn’t single this one out. Yet, most of the Valentine’s Day craft projects will consist of hearts and the color pink. However, most of the craft projects I show will be made by adults. So for your reading pleasure, enjoy looking at a treasure trove of Valentine’s Day craft projects.

  1. Grace your home with this heart wreath covered in candy hearts.
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Since candy hearts tend to taste like flavored sugary chalk dust, I think using them for craft projects is for the best. Besides, this is pretty.

2. No one would be more pleased this Valentine’s Day than one receiving a felt flowery heart.

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Seems like this was made by someone who had too much time on their hands. Nevertheless, I really like the flowers on this, especially the purple ones.

3. Show the love this Valentine’s Day with these heart door hangings.

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Seems to consist of 5 red hearts hanging at different ends. And they’re decorated in a variety of different ways.

4. Bring the spirit of Valentine’s Day to your home with this tulle heart wreath.

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Seems to be colored in red, pink, and white. And it even has 3 red hearts in the center, too. Nevertheless, it’s quite pretty.

5. For your Valentine’s Day mantle, you can always go with a rose covered tree.

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Of course, the roses are made from paper that you have to cut out (which I would be very bad at). Still, this looks very pretty if you ask me.

6. To make it small, you can always send a clothes pin valentine.

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You have to open this one to get a message. Not surprisingly, it’s supposed to be rather brief.

7. If you don’t like your Valentine’s Day tree with roses, you can always go with some hearts.

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As this picture says, these are made from ombre. Not sure what that is. Still, it seems like these hearts range from red, white, and 50 shades of pink.

8. When you fold hearts, you can turn them into flower petals.

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As you see, these purple, pink, and yellow flowers are made of hearts and form into one. And they all have pearl beads in the center.

9. For the one who lights up your life, this light bulb will do just fine.

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However, if the light of your life happens to be an electrical engineer, they probably won’t be impressed by the fact it most likely doesn’t light up. Still, like the hearts.

10. For your little one this Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with this heart onesie and cap.

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I bet this is for a girl as I could tell by the ribbons on the shoulders. Also, because most parents wouldn’t dress their sons in such outfits either. Well, as far as I know.

11. Nothing brings the spirit of Valentine’s Day to your home than wooden hearts on sticks.

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Love how these are in different patterns and sizes. Yet, they all are tied with the same heart ribbon.

12. Grace your lovely home this Valentine’s Day with a bauble wreath.

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You’re probably going to see a lot of Valentine’s Day wreaths on this post. This one is probably the most delicate of them all. And one of the prettiest.

13. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with a large heart decorated with candy hearts.

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I don’t know about you, but I strongly think they should market candy hearts as craft materials from now on. Because those candies aren’t at all fit for human consumption.

14. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without a set of “Love” blocks.

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And I guess the “o” is a heart. Surely those blocks used some stencils to make them. But they nevertheless look lovely.

15. For a more rustic look on your front door, you can always go with a heart of roses.

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I’m sure the flora on this is fake, given that it’s winter. Still, seems almost as if it came from a store. But it looks beautiful.

16. Decorate your mantle this Valentine’s Day with some XO blocks.

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These consist of red “x’s” and white “o’s.” Nevertheless, not sure why “x’s” and “o’s” came to mean kisses and hugs. Maybe it has to do with Morse code.

17. This heart shirt would be perfect for any little girl on Valentine’s Day.

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I’m sure this little girl will outgrow this in a few weeks as kids grow rather quickly. Nevertheless, it’s so cute.

18. This rosy heart tree would make a fine addition to any home.

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Yes, this is a fake tree with fake roses on it. But I do think this person did a way better job on this than I ever could in my life.

19. Keep yourself warm this winter with this Valentine’s Day heart quilt.

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Not sure if it’s for actual use and I highly doubt. But you have to love the red hearts on this. You really do.

20. You can’t get more cuddly on Valentine’s Day than with these two adorable bears.

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Well, at least as far when it comes to bears you can make. The girl one has a bow in her head. Still, these two are so adorable if you ask me.

21. Be all hugs and kisses this Valentine’s Day by gracing your front door with this XO wreath.

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As you see, it’s made from some fake white roses and ruffled red cloth. Still, I’m sure it’s bound to stand out in the neighborhood.

22. If you’re not using a planter urn, perhaps you can make some Valentine’s Day decoration from it.

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I bet this decoration used a lot of sparkly party stuff. Nevertheless, I like the bow tied on the black urn the best in this.

23. Got a bunch of pink gift ribbons lying around? Make a heart wreath out of it.

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Yes, this is a ribbon wreath. And yes, it’s mostly pink. But still, I find it rather ingenious if you think about it.

24. This candy heart bouquet is sure to make a fine Valentine’s Day centerpiece.

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Of course, the flowers aren’t roses and may seem a bit springy. Nevertheless, they certainly match the candy hearts in the vase.

25. This white Valentine’s Day tree is decked in red hearts.

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Yes, this is a Valentine’s Day tree. No, I don’t know why people do this. But yes, I did post it because it’s unique and has hearts on it.

26. For a great table centerpiece on Valentine’s Day, you can’t do better than a vase with sparkly branches and hanging hearts.

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I guess making this made a big mess when it came to dousing the branches with glitter. Still, I think guests will be pleased by the results.

27. For Valentine’s Day decorations, you can’t go wrong with sequin hearts.

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Normally, I tend to view sequins as a tacky material you’d see at some disco. But these aren’t that bad if you ask me.

28. These flower pot candy dispensers are a great way to store Valentine’s Day candy.

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Of course, to be safe, you might want to buy the flower pots at the craft store first. Still, seems lie a rather clever idea.

29. Grace your couch this Valentine’s Day with a one of a kind heart blanket.

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Wonder if it’s made by someone with too much time on their hands. Also, not sure if it goes well with that couch either.

30. Cuddle up this Valentine’s Day with this quilted valentine heart pillow.

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Hears come in so many different colors and patterns. But most of them are pink. Still, not sure if anyone would have time to do this though.

31. Count down to Valentine’s Day with this heart calendar.

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Don’t tell me they made a Valentine’s Day rip off of the Advent Calendar. Sure it only contains 14 days, but that’s a 2 week span.

32. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t go wrong with Cupid arrows.

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All it seems to take are skewers, felt hearts, electrical tape, and feathers. Seems easy for kids. However, they’d probably not make any at school due to weapons policies.

33. This Valentine’s Day, store candy in some felt fortune cookies.

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Now this seems like a rather clever idea for kids to do Valentine’s Day treats for their classmates. However, not sure if some of them are old enough to do the sayings.

34. If you can’t make love arrows from skewers, use clothes pins.

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Seems like these arrows look rather easy to make. But I don’t think any I’d make would turn out to be as nice as these.

35. Light up your home this Valentine’s Day with some rainbow heart lights.

 

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And these seemed to be rather tangled up by the looks of it. Nevertheless, these hearts are made from paper so the lights can shine through them.

36. If you’re going for a more rustic Valentine’s Day look, you can’t do wrong with a wreath made of pine cones.

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This seems rather quaint. However, I bet any money that those pine cones came from a craft store.

37. Got too many candy hearts lying around? Make a tree of them.

 

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Yes, this is another art form with the Valentine’s Day candies that aren’t fit for human consumption. Nevertheless, that pink goes well with the heart pastel colors.

38. If you love candy hearts, then you’ll like these candy heart wall hangings.

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Yes, these are wooden candy hearts that are painted and covered in glitter. Sayings include, “love you,” “be mine,” “kiss me,” and “XOXO.”

39. Anyone is sure to love a Valentine’s Day bouquet of hearts.

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The hearts may be made from felt and the stems made from wire. But this bouquet is surely lovely to behold.

40. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day in the woods without some acorn hearts.

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They’re acorns with hearts on them. And painting the hearts seems to require a rather small paint brush and precision.

41. For a Valentine’s Day centerpiece, you can’t go wrong with a candy bouquet.

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Don’t tell me that they have Valentine’s Day candy corn. Seriously, that stuff was bad enough around Halloween. Do we really need to deal with candy wax around Valentine’s Day?

42. This heart wall hanging is sure to be lovely on any front door.

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These are red hearts brought together with some fancy ribbon. The top is a bow with some other ribbons and trimmings.

43. Candy hearts are bound to go well with any form of outdoor decoration.

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These hearts are made from foam and are spray painted on. Some with stencils. Still, probably taste better than chalk dusty candy hearts, don’t you think.

44. If you like polka dots, then this Valentine’s Day wreath is for you.

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Well, the polka dot cloth goes nice with the red and white motif. Also contains red and white ribbons and flowers.

45. These Valentine’s Day bottles will show how love is in the air within your home.

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And these are decorated in different ways and in different. Not sure what to think about the silver one though.

46. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day gift than a heart button mosaic in a heart shaped pan.

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Of course, if my mom had a heart shaped pan, she would certainly not let me do a button mosaic on it. Still, wonder how much glue they used.

47. Receive valentines with your very own Valentine’s Day mailbox.

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That’s a really nice pink mailbox. Unfortunately, where I live, you can’t have one of at your house due to increment weather and an incident with mass vandalism.

48. For candlelight dinners, these Valentine’s Day candle holders can’t be beat.

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Yes, these are festive candle holders. Unfortunately, my mom can forget having a romantic candle light dinner unless the power goes out. My dad tends to get migraines.

49. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day centerpiece than a bouquet of duct tape roses.

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These look pretty. Then again, not sure if I can make as lovely roses as these with duct tape. Probably bound to mess up and waste the stuff.

50. Cozy up to a warm fire this Valentine’s Day with this rustic heart pillow.

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The pillow is made of canvas while the heart is outlined with ribbon. Nevertheless, I’m sure anyone would enjoy this.

51. These Valentine’s Day pom pom monsters are bound to melt your heart.

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These are so adorable and seem rather easy to make. Then again, not sure what these monsters have to do with Valentine’s Day. I really don’t.

52. For baby boys, this love bandit onesie will do just fine.

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I suppose girl bandits could wear this, too. However, there are plenty of girl Valentine outfits available. And this one seems less girly than the others.

53. Store your Valentine’s Day treats in these appropriate cookie jars.

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Has a chalkboard bubble you can write stuff on with chalk. If you don’t have any, then candy hearts will certainly do.

54. This wreath has a lot of hearts in its branches.

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Seems that the hearts on this are made of paper. But it seems to have plenty of love to go around.

55. Grace your door on Valentine’s Day with this heart wall hanging.

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Seems like something you’d put on a tombstone in a cemetery, but more festive. Not sure if it’s a craft project or store bought item. But it’s from Pinterest.

56. This wooden heart would make a lovely Valentine’s Day addition to anyone’s home.

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I bet this was made from some crate. Has stripes in several different colors like red, white, and pink, as well as black.

57. Cover your Valentine’s Day tree with candy hearts for a lovely impression.

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Because candy hearts are better used for craft projects than human consumption. Because nobody wants to eat chalk.

58. For a more down home feel, this “XOXO” wreath will do quite nicely.

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Has 2 white cloth wreaths for “o’s” and 2 sets of cross twigs for “x’s”. And it’s strung together with a red ribbon.

59. For ceiling hangings, you can’t go wrong with a mobile with hearts.

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Yes, I know the colors are drab on this one. But I think it’s an ingenious design, especially with the lace on top and the paper hearts.

60. Nothing makes a better candy holder than a jar filled with candy hearts.

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Let’s hope this candle doesn’t smell like candy hearts or chalk dust. Still, I love the pink bow around this.

61. Nothing makes a better display for your doorstop this Valentine’s Day than this pink, fuzzy wreath.

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Yes, it’s a pink tulle wreath. Yes, it has 3 hearts on it. Still, don’t tell me you wouldn’t want this on your door. You’d totally get this.

62. This XOXO wreath is a true Valentine’s Day delight.

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While it’s mostly silver, it has a XOXO banner across as well as lovely flowers. Surely a lovely wreath, indeed.

63. This tulle wreath shows all kinds of love for Valentine’s Day.

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This is in black and red tulle strips. And it has wooden letters spelling “LOVE.” Quite pretty though.

64. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without an assortment of love tags.

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To be fair these are made of wood and aren’t painted well. Nevertheless, these are quite nice if you ask me.

65. Keep yourself clean this Valentine’s Day with these heart soaps.

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Seem to resemble candy hearts with sayings on them. Wonder how any of them smell like.

66. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day decoration than a ribbon tree.

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Seems like this was made from all kinds of pink and white Valentine’s Day ribbons. Nevertheless, I love the ribbon and button star on the top.

67.  If you have a heart, then you’re bound to love this little Tin Man.

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And it’s even made out of tin cans and a funnel. It even has a heart ticker. Still, I’m not a big fan of the Wizard of Oz. Think it’s pretty creepy with the flying monkeys.

68. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day than a bunch of hearts stacked on a pot.

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Each one has a red ribbon below it. Also, each heart is made from wood. Yet, all these hearts are linked by a vine.

69. This Valentine’s Day wall hanging is one that you’ll certainly grow to love.

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Sayings on this one are, “Love,” “Be Mine,” and “XOXO.” Yet, this is wonderful piece of Valentine’s Day decor.

70. If you have some blank pallets, you can’t do any wrong making some spray painted candy hearts on them.

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Of course, stencils were used as you look here. But they sure are lovely, especially on this table.

71. For Valentine’s Day, these love rocks are great for your lovely home.

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Well, as doorstops and paper weights anyway. And they’re quite intricately painted as well. Very beautiful.

72. This tulle Valentine’s Day wreath will surely warm your heart.

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This one has pink, black, and red tulle strips. And it has a heart with a bow near the bottom. So pretty.

73. Decorate your home for Valentine’s Day with this lovely canvas garland of hearts.

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This seems to have a rustic feel to this decoration. And it uses felt hearts, too. Lovely if I daresay.

74. Celebrate Valentine’s Day by hanging this lovely leopard skin heart ribbon wreath on your door.

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Not a big fan of leopard prints. Somehow I think this is rather tacky as hell. But I’m sure someone is bound to like it. Yet, it’s just not me.

75. These hugs and kisses blocks are just too  sweet to miss.

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Sure lit looks kind of frilly and in pink. But you have to like these because they’re so adorable.

76. These blocks will surely bring the love into your home.

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These blocks spell “LOVE.” And they’re all held together by a red tulle bow.

77. If you want to give out candy for Valentine’s Day, these heart jars can’t be beat.

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Of course, if I received something like these jars, I’d throw out the candy hearts and keep the jar. Seriously, candy hearts are disgusting.

78. Grace your door this Valentine’s Day with this red and pink wreath.

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Seems to be decorated with hearts, branches, and baubles. And it even has a pink ribbon around it.

79. This rose tree centerpiece is bound to liven any Valentine’s Day table.

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I’m sure the roses are fake and and the beads are draped down. Still, it’s so pretty and I bet it took a lot of time to make.

80. Nothing makes a better Valentine’s Day decoration than a heart wreath of roses.

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I’m sure the roses on this are fake and are in shades of white, red, pink, and purple. Nevertheless, they’re very pretty if you ask me.

81. Place your Valentine’s Day candy is this lovely heart yarn basket.

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This seems rather clever. Of course, I’m sure there had to be sticks to hold it up.

82. This heart shaped wreath has berries all over its branches.

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This mostly consists of red and white berries which I know are fake. Nevertheless, I surely love the red ribbon on top.

83. You can’t have a wonderful Valentine’s Day without a large block of love.

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Well, it’s a large glass block that says, “Love” and “Be Mine” and it’s filled with candy heart. And it’s all tied up with a ribbon.

84. For flowers, this Valentine’s Day fingerprint vase will do quite nicely.

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These vases are obviously bought from a craft star. And the hearts are made by fingerprints. But these are certainly cute.

85. You can’t do Valentine’s Day without some heart crayons.

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Seems to come in 4 different colors. Nevertheless, these are rather adorable and I’m sure kids would like them.

86. This quilted heart cloth makes a fine table centerpiece for your Valentine’s Day dining room.

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It’s a patchwork spread with a heart in a middle. But you have to think it’s rather quaint if you ask me.

87. This love block is sure to light up your room on Valentine’s Day.

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It’s a lovely block with a rather simple design. Yet, I surely love the ribbon tying this one. Like the light, too.

88. This white wall hanging of hearts is a great Valentine’s Day decoration in your home.

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Seems to resemble some vintage Valentine’s Day decorations. Yet, I found this on Pinterest. Nevertheless, love the flowers on these.

89. Grace your home with this pink heart wreath of tissue roses.

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I’m sure kids could make something like this. However, it seems to take a lot of time. Nevertheless, it’s quite beautiful.

90. You can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day without a heart sparkle dish.

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Of course, you can’t eat anything on it. But you have to love the sparkles on here. Nevertheless, it’s very pretty if you ask me.

91. Grace your home this Valentine’s Day with these floral heart wreaths.

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These consist of a purple one, a pink one, and one that’s in between. Yes, the flowers are fake and seem to resemble those on a tombstone. But they’re so beautiful.

92. When it comes to candle decor, you can’t do better than these Valentine’s Day candle wrappers.

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These seem rather simple to make. Just some fancy cloth and some hearts attached to a pony tail holder. How hard could this be?

93. For your country home, this lovely wooden heart would look great on your wall.

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Seems this uses a lot of glitter which can make a real mess. But it does seem to be quite pretty, nevertheless.

94. If you love music, then you’ll adore this little heart guitar.

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Yes, this is a kid craft project. No, I don’t think you could actually play it. But I’m sure some of my fans will appreciate it.

95. Spruce up your dining room this Valentine’s Day with this chair cover of hearts.

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Not sure how many are available. But you have to love all the hearts on these. They tend to come in so many shapes and sizes.

96. Light up your Valentine’s Day with these glitter heart candle holders.

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These are so adorable. Sure the glitter makes a mess. Yet, the mess seems to be totally worth it as you see the results.

97. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile without these decorative plates.

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Sayings are “Kiss Me,” “Be Mine,” and “Love You.” Still, these are so utterly adorable.

98. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you can’t do wrong with a heart wreath of red roses.

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If you’re a rustic romantic, this is the kind of Valentine’s Day wreath for you. Not sure if it’s easy to make but it sure is beautiful.

99. Those who love Valentine’s Day will certainly enjoy this floral heart wreath.

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This seems to be made by either a professional or someone with too much time on their hands. Still, it sure is beautiful though.

100. If you love Valentine’s Day, you’d surely find this button wreath adorable.

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Yes, it’s a heart shaped button wreath. I’m sure it’s filled with all kinds of buttons. But it sure looks so cute.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Third Edition)

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Yes, I know Valentine’s Day is only a month away but it’s not one of my favorite holidays, except when it pertains to blogging about it. And posting about vintage valentines are one of these reasons since they get a lot of views during this time. So it helps that I start as early as possible. Nevertheless, when we think of Valentines Day, we tend to think of cutesy things like hearts, love, candy, and other things pertaining to this massively commercialized holiday. Another feature on Valentine’s are well, valentines, which have existed since this holiday was around. As I said some time before, when some people think of vintage valentines, they tend to think about cutesy cards like the one I showed above. Yes, it has a quote from the Bible but I’d put it on there anyway if I didn’t. Now I could show you all the lovely vintage valentines on this post. But as before you’d find them drab and bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show you more of some of the vintage valentines that make you want to scratch your head and wonder why the hell did they exist. So for your reading pleasure, I present to you some more crazy valentines from yesterday.

  1. This lady has a Valentine’s Day offering from her boyfriend.
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Yes, you may wonder how she managed to snag a guy in the first place. However, perhaps it’s not our place to judge even though she kind of does seem like the kind of woman who’d put children in an oven.

2. Nothing shows the spirit of Valentine’s Day than a clown about to shoot himself.

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Hey, man, just because she turned you down, doesn’t mean you have to end it all. It’s probably not your fault. Seriously, you need help.

3. “The blood tastes like love, I play it a song while it bleeds!”

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And from the look at this boy’s face, I suspect that he’ll be on his way to become a future neighborhood psychokiller. Avoid him like the plague.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than sending your sweetheart a card stealthily asking her for sex.

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Yes, I know what “yank my doodle means.” And no, I really don’t want to know whether it’s a dandy. Really don’t want to know.

5. “You can’t put the ‘fire’ in my heart for you!”

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Seems like there’s a fire between the girl’s legs and despite her dress about to be burnt, she seems quite excited at the boy having his hose up that’s spraying water everywhere. Now that doesn’t look right.

6. “I don’t….’aim’ to miss – I want you for my valentine!”

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Yes, nothing looks better on a valentine than an image of a smoking gun. You know, something that was made to kill stuff with the pull of a trigger. Not sure if that’s appropriate for romance.

7. You can’t have cuter valentine than one of a cute witch cooking a bunch of hearts in a cauldron.

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Guys, take note, if this cute witch asks for a potion of your love, you give it to her, please. Otherwise, you might end up like the others who refused her. Look in the pot.

8. Wood you be a valentine for this eager beaver?

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For a rather wholesome animal, they tend to be featured on rather dirty valentines. This one is no exception, especially since the eager beaver is female and asks for wood.

9. This butcher will “stake” his heart on you.

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And there he goes gleefully raising his cleaver as he cuts some meat on a wooden table. Yes, butcher themed valentines are rather disturbing to say the least.

10. “Don’t be cross, ‘gas’ who it is?”

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I don’t know. Some terrifying battlefield nurse with a very inappropriate bedside manner? That’s the impression I get from this.

11. On Valentine’s Day, he’s going hunting to find a fine valentine like you.

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I don’t know about you, but I’d avoid this boy with a vengeance even if he does have a box of chocolates. Seriously, that look in his eyes makes him seem like he has murder on the mind. Or he just may be an “excitable boy” (in the Warren Zevon context).

12. The Devil knows that you’ll have a hot time with him on Valentine’s Day.

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Then again, I might want to take a pass on this satyr boy from hell. He just looks evil if you ask me. Then again, you should expect that from Satan.

13. Of course, nothing brings out the wholesome romantic spirit of Valentines Day than a date with ice cream.

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Okay, that’s probably the most phallic ice cream cone I’ve ever seen. Yes, it’s a double header. all right, but it resembles some guy’s junk. Some guy’s junk, I tell you.

14. This bunny is loaded with love for you.

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This bunny is also carrying a loaded shotgun that’s just discharged. Let’s just say this little gun toting rabbit just failed Gun Safety 101.

15. “Just say you’ll be my valentine and watch me ‘lap it up.'”

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Okay, that’s not the kind of relationship anyone should have with their canine companions. Seriously, why anyone think that this card was a good idea? Why?

16. This Valentine’s Day feature: Dickie’s Romance.

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A dickie t’ween you and me. I think I get the message on that one. Yet, I’m not sure if he’s talking about the movie or something else.

17. This firefighter is burning to know hose valentine are you.

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Again with the fireman motifs. Still, if she says it’s not him, is the firefighter going to leave so she’ll burn to a crisp? That’s what I’m wondering.

18. “Valentine, ‘house’ my chance to ‘nail’ you for mine?”

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This boy seems to have such an innocent face for an outright pervert. Yeah, this is a pretty dirty valentine asking to get some.

19. “I’m cock sure you’re meant to be my valentine!”

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Not sure if the kid was being wholesome. But the moment when you see the word, “cock.” you’re bound to imagine what’s the nature of his intentions.

20. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like forcing yourself onto the object of your affections.

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Uh, I don’t know about you. But I think “steal a hug” might qualify as sexual harassment since it’s totally unwanted. And he’s basically saying that he’s coming on to her whether she wants him or not. How romantic! Yeah right.

21. If you like ’em smooth and slick, then he’s the guy you want to pick.

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Is that the kid from the Big Boy restaurant chain? Man, has he grown. And he seems to be way more creepy than how I remember him.

22. “You can kick me around and I won’t mind, valentine!”

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Translated: “You can treat me like crap all you want but I don’t care.” Seems like such sender either is so desperate for a valentine and has no self-esteem or is a masochist. So maybe you shouldn’t lead with that.

23. “You ‘strike’ me just right, my valentine!”

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Clearly, this doesn’t seem like a foundation to a healthy relationship. Sure she hit the ball that gave him a black eye by accident, but still. It’s pretty disturbing.

24. “I’m out to get you for my valentine.”

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Great, I’ll be under my bed. Couldn’t possibly see anything more romantic than having my life threatened into being your valentine (sarcasm).

25. “You’re my target so be my valentine.”

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Okay, so is this supposed to be a friendly request or a death threat? So I guess this guy is going to vaporize me if I say no? Brilliant!

26. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a circus clown scaring the bejesus out of you.

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Hey, at least she only saw the spider. Still, I think the clown above is even more terrifying looking. If I were her, I’d just say no way in hell.

27. “I’m axin’ you to be my valentine.”

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I don’t think “axin'” is the right word here. Still, I think I’d be scared of this kid getting a hold of an ax. Seriously, I’d be afraid of him chopping me into little pieces as I sleep.

28. There’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a guy holding you at gunpoint.

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Yes, he may be a detective like you see in the old movies. But I really wouldn’t go for him since he appears to have a gun pointed right at you. Doesn’t really help if you’re looking for love.

29. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile than a passionate embrace.

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For some reason, this picture reminds me less of passionate romance and more of the time when Adrien Brody won for Best Actor at the Oscars. But I think Halle Berry took it surprisingly better than the guy in question in this card.

30. “It’ll be monstrous, valentine, if you won’t be mine.”

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Okay, I think this might mean that Frankie’s not the kind of guy who takes rejection well. And that’s not good. Really not good.

31. “My Valentine, I’m pan-handling for your love.”

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Now this pan headed woman is bound to cause anyone nightmares. Seriously, those eyes and that smile seem incredibly freaky that it’s scary.

32. This Valentine’s Day, tell your sweetheart how you really want it.

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Yes, she seems to be a rather demure kind of girl. But had she lived around these days, I’d bet any money that she’d be a huge fan of 50 Shades of Grey. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

33. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nobody wants to be in the dog house.

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Now it’s one thing to be sent to the dog house. But it’s insane that there’s a valentine depicting a kid being tied up in a dog house like a dog. Seriously, that’s crazy.

34. “The ‘bare fact’ is I want you for my valentine.”

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Uh, how old is this girl supposed to be? Because I don’t think her appearing naked like this is appropriate for a valentine. I could be wrong.

35. You know what’s a great Valentine’s Day ride? A steamroller.

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“Well, I’m a steamroller, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./Yes, I’m a steamroller now, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./I’m gonna inject your soul with some sweet rock ‘n roll and shoot you full of rhythm and blues.” Still, I’d clear the ground before he rolls along.

36. “I’ll be ‘burned’ up, if you won’t be my valentine.”

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Does anyone think that tying yourself on a stake and setting yourself on fire a incredibly crazy? So why is there such image on a valentine. Seriously, why? That’s insane.

37. There’s nothing so romantic on Valentine’s Day than being robbed at gunpoint.

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Sorry, man, but I don’t think committing daylight armed robberies is a great way to pick up chicks. Don’t mean to put you down. Just telling you like it is.

38. When it comes to sending a valentine, Disney is always a good choice.

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Just make sure that they aren’t old Disney valentines. Because the old Mickey and Minnie here are utterly horrifying. And no, I don’t want Mickey to come down to earth.

39. “Please take stock in what I say – I want you for my valentine.”

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Okay, this isn’t as bad as the girl being burned at the stake. But still, it’s pretty messed up. Why the hell they thought it was a good idea, I’ll never know.

40. “Tain’t so screwy, my love is permanent, be my valentine.”

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To be fair, women had their hair done like this back in the day. However, nowadays, it seems to resemble some terrifying sci-fi torture device.

41. “I’d like to hog you for my valentine so….don’t squeal on me!”

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Hate to squeal about this one, but this pig is terrifying. Seriously, it seems like it wants to extract some kind of evil ploy on the farmers who killed its family.

42. “Scrubbed so clean you’ll be my queen, valentine.”

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For the love of God, whoever designed a creepy card like this would sure as hell be on some list of sex offenders as we speak. Seriously, this card is so inappropriate on so many levels it’s not even funny. Why the hell did they think it was a good idea? Why?

43. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day more romantic than your cannibalistic girlfriend cooking you alive.

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I think for most people this would be rather nightmarish. But this guy doesn’t seem to mind as long as he gets to look at her boobs.

44. “You’re good enough to eat, valentine.”

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Of course, this isn’t the kind of compliment you’d want to receive from a big hungry cat. Because for all you know, they might seriously think of devouring you.

45. “I’ll purr-sue you always, my valentine.”

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Okay, this is the kind of girl you’d want to avoid. Might want to call for a restraining order if she’s ever into you. Still, I really feel bad for that cat. Poor thing.

46. When it comes to valentines, people also like receiving presents with them.

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I’m sure it would be nothing that this creepy boy has in his packages. Because for all we know, they could be beating hearts of all the girls whom he murdered after they rejected his advances.

47. “Ain’t love a swell condition? I caught it from you.”

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Yeah, but having a bandage around your head sure isn’t. Besides, it kind of makes this kid look a bit freaky if you ask me.

48. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without including its cherubic mascot Cupid.

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And it seems like he’s preparing for some sort of home invasion as I see it. He even has a stash of arrows, a sack of hearts, and a gun. Why he’s like this, I have no idea.

49. “You’ll missile – lot if you won’t be my valentine.”

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Nevertheless, kid, hold that missile long enough and I’m sure you’ll be blown from here to kingdom come. Seriously, that doesn’t look safe by any stretch of the imagination.

50. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nothing can be more spectacular than seeing hearts in the sky.

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Though with hearts flying into a spider web, I beg to differ. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if this valentine was brought to you by somebody’s drug-induced hallucination trip.

Vintage Celebrity Endorsements from the Days of Old

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Since the NFL playoffs are major events on television this time of year, it’s no surprise that sponsors tend to air a flow of commercials during these games, many of which you probably have never seen before. Now many of these tend to pertain to food, cars, alcoholic beverages, and boner pills. But some don’t. Nevertheless, it’s not unusual that you might see plenty of products endorsed by celebrities sort of like, “Buy this product because I use it and I think it’s great. And I’m famous enough that you’ll trust my judgement.” You might not know this but the practice of product promotion through celebrity endorsement has been around for a very long time. How long?, you may ask. Well, let’s just that Roman gladiators endorsed products like today’s professional athletes. But why would anyone listen to a celebrity on something like food or hair care products? I don’t know. But I do know that people listen to celebrities, perhaps more than they should. I mean if it wasn’t for Jenny McCarthy saying that vaccines cause autism (which isn’t true at all by the way as several studies have shown), some people wouldn’t be as skeptical of vaccines as they are (which isn’t a good thing, honestly). Nevertheless, I can show you some of the great vintage celebrity endorsement ads out there. But you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show some of the more questionable ones, some of which don’t have the same impact as they did upon release. Others make you shake your head for an explanation. So without further adieu, I present to you some crazy celebrity endorsements from yesteryear. There’s a chance you might not know a lot of these people.

  1. After a show, the legendary jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong likes to relax to Camel cigarettes.
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Uh, Louis, as a jazz trumpet player, you work a lot with your lungs which is apparent in photos. So I don’t think relaxing to Camels may not be the best way to relax. Seriously, it’s not.

2. Rock Hudson sure likes to wrap around girls wearing Emba Mink.

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Anyone who’s familiar with Rock Hudson’s sexual orientation would automatically see why this ad is hilarious. Seriously, I’m sure he’s totally faking it with that woman. I mean anyone who has any idea about who he was knows that he was more into the boys.

3. If Stevie Wonder could play video games, he’d play Atari.

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Of course, Stevie Wonder doesn’t play video games because he’s as blind as a bat since birth. Seriously, how in the hell could anyone trust a blind guy’s judgement on video game consoles? Yes, he’s a Grammy award winning legend, but that doesn’t mean anything when it comes to video games. And I especially mean that if it pertains to an ad endorsed by a guy who can’t see a thing.

4. If Geoffrey Holder had hair, he’d use Vidal Sassoon for men.

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I’m not sure who this guy is other than him being a bald black actor. However, when it comes to choosing a shampoo, who do you think I’d trust more a bald guy or Sasquatch? Answer is always going to be Sasquatch every time. Still, at least Troy Polamalu’s endorsements for Head and Shoulders actually make sense.

5. New York Yankees legend Babe Ruth likes to smoke Old Gold  cigarettes after a big game.

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Great job, Babe, that’s another way to be a bad influence among your young fans. Now I understand nobody thought anything about it at the time. But still, those Old Gold cigarettes can’t help your game.

6. When it comes to giving boxes of chocolates, Humphrey Bogart chooses Whitman’s.

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Reading Bogart’s face in this ad, I don’t think he communicates an expression of thoughtfulness. Rather I think he’s trying to put on a straight face while wondering how the hell he got into this endorsement deal in the first place.

7. Sandra Dee always tans faster with Coppertone suntan lotion.

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When it comes to suntan lotion, you don’t want something that gives you a faster and deeper tan. Because that’s followed by a faster and deeper burn. Also, is it just me, or does Sandra Dee look a bit like a Oompah Loompah?

8. Dolores Del Rio smokes Lucky Strikes and has her throat insured for $50,000.

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Uh, I don’t know about you, Dolores, but I think quitting Lucky Strikes altogether is a better investment on your throat than a $50,000 insurance policy. After all, years of smoking killed Humphrey Bogart and George Harrison in their late 50s from throat cancer.

9. Fred MacMurray always enjoys the taste of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup.

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Is it just me or does Fred MacMurray seem to have a psychokiller glint on his face? He just looks so terrifying as if he’s trying to hide his strong bloodlust behind his pearly white smile. Still, this guy wasn’t known for playing psychokillers. Having a romantic interest in psychokillers, yes. But that was just Double Indemnity.

10. When it comes to cigarette brands, legendary baseball player Jackie Robinson smokes Chesterfield.

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Yeah, Jackie, way to go with encouraging kids to smoke. Just remember you’ll be an anti-drug crusader toward the end of your life and die of a heart attack at 53.

11. Dorothy Lamour always knows that Royal Crown Cola tastes better than all the others.

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I don’t drink pop so I couldn’t care less about Dorothy Lamour’s soft drink preference. However, I am interested about where Dorothy Lamour gets her hair done. Is it somewhere in Whoville?

12. Liberate your eyes with Alice Cooper’s Whiplash unisex mascara.

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Well, I think Alice Cooper having a unisex mascara line is actually appropriate. However, not sure what I think about him wearing shiny wrapping paper with electrical tape. That’s just weird.

13. Right Guard Sport Stick helps Hulk Hogan express his sensitive side.

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Hulk Hogan achieved fame as a studio wrestler. I’m sure an ad showing him putting up a sweat in the ring would be more appropriate. So why they have him painting is beyond me.

14. Royal Crown Cola would like to congratulate on her Oscar win for Mildred Pierce.

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I’m sure Joan Crawford will be a reliable spokeswoman for Royal Crown Cola’s product. That is, until a decade later when she marries the CEO of Pepsi. Also, didn’t have a great relationship with a couple of her kids.

15. Rock Hudson can always tell a Halo girl by the shine of her hair.

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However, while Rock might admire a woman’s shiny Halo hair, he tends to go for the Halo guys. Seriously, Rock, we all know you did this ad while you were in the Hollywood celluloid closet.

16. Florida Orange Juice: the premiere citrus for 1970s homophobes.

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This terrifying woman pouring orange juice is Anita Bryant, former Miss Oklahoma, pop singer, and the spokeswoman for the Florida Citrus Commission. However, she’s better known as an outspoken opponent of gay rights and her 1977, “Save Our Children” campaign. Today the gay community continues to regard her name synonymous with bigotry and homophobia.

17. Ed Sullivan takes his pictures with his Kodak Brownie 20.

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I don’t know about you. But looking at this ad, I find the idea of having my picture taken by Ed Sullivan as a very disturbing ordeal. Seriously, he looks as if he’s up to no good.

18. For Donald Trump, Trump steaks are the world’s greatest steaks.

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Of course, Donald Trump would think anything’s the best in the world if it has his name on it. Even his awful orange hamster hair. Still, for the love of God, please don’t vote for this guy for president. This man is a repulsive human being who feeds off the worst of humanity. Seriously, I really hate this guy.

19. On his boat with Lauren Bacall, Humphrey Bogart prefers to smoke cigarillos.

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Yes, Humphrey Bogart smoked a lot in his life and movies, onscreen and off. Little did he know that all his years of smoking would lead to his death from throat cancer at 57. And it wasn’t a pleasant way to go either.

20. Ronald Reagan always prefers to smoke Chesterfields.

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Guess he’s sure to regret doing that ad when he’s the US President during the 1980s. I mean didn’t his wife start a drug awareness campaign called, “Just Say No”? And here he is telling people to say, “yes” to smoking.

21. Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoys a V drink from Japan.

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Man, Arnie seems to have had a horrendous taste in fashion during the 1980s. Wherever he got that outfit, I really don’t want to know.

22. Merle Oberon uses Tru-Color Lipstick for her lips.

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You might not know that Merle Oberon was said to suffer damage to her complexion in the 1940s from a combination of cosmetic poisoning and an allergic reaction to sulfa drugs. It’s alleged that she went through some partially successful dermabrasion procedures. Let’s just say if she endorsed any cosmetics, I’d advise you to stay away from them.

23. These Major League Baseball players always want the very best. So they smoke Cheserfields.

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Wonder how many of these guys died of smoker related illnesses like lung cancer and heart disease. Also, I really don’t think cigarettes could help their game.

24. It’s said that Vincent Price’s Chinese Chicken is inscrutably delicious.

 

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Not sure if Vincent Price was a good cook. However, since he’s best known for playing horror movie villains, ask yourself, would you ever eat anything made by Vincent Price? Think about it.

25. For a square deal to your lungs, smoke Teddy cigarettes.

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This one came from Norway so it’s unlikely Teddy Roosevelt ever smoked these (but he did smoke in real life like most men at the time). But the Norwegians seem to have an affinity for the man as you see here. Then again, he was an incredible badass.

26. Tyrone Power opts for milder Chesterfields.

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Tyrone Power might’ve smoked Chesterfields but he also died suddenly of a massive heart attack at 44. Genetics might’ve been involved (his dad died at 62 and in his arms). But his smoking might’ve had something to do with it.

27. Spock doesn’t always drink beer. But when he does, he drinks Heineken.

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Uh, Heineken, Vulcan ears don’t work that way. Also, I don’t think Vulcans drink alcohol. Then again, booze might come in handy whenever he’s going through Pon Farr.

28. Bill Cosby always enjoys Jello pudding pops.

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For all we know, those pops could be filled with booze and roofies and aimed toward women he wants to knock out and rape. Just say no, when he offers you one. Seriously, just say no.

29. Howdy Doody’s favorite treat is marshmallow “crispy squares.”

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For one, those are “Rice Krispie Treats,” to call them anything else is plain heresy for me. Second, Howdy Doody was a popular character from a children’s show, not some cowboy doll known to kill people in their sleep. Though I can see why people might make that mistake.

3o. Bill Cosby calculates with a TI-59 Programmable.

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I wonder if Texas Instruments regrets this endorsement during the 1980s. You can say that about any company that’s used Bill Cosby as a spokesman.

31. Merle Oberon uses Pan Cake make up to look younger and lovelier.

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Once again, Merle Oberon isn’t the best authority on make up products. Remember how I said she had cosmetic poisoning that ruined her skin complexion.

32. Sonny and Cher read the book that everyone’s talking about: The Bible.

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Don’t really see Cher as religious. But I heard that while Sonny publicly identified as Roman Catholic, he had an interest in Scientology and took Scientology courses. He was also said to be kind of a jerk to Cher if you ask me.

33. Vincent Price always prefers Creamettes whenever he makes pasta.

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Whenever Vincent Price makes pasta, you wonder whether anyone drops dead from poison. Or ends up in his special room of horrors. Seriously, I wouldn’t eat anything made by Vincent Price no matter how good of a cook he is.

34. When it comes to killing roaches, Muhammad Ali goes with d-Con Roach Traps since they kill without poison.

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Apparently, the notion that Muhammad Ali will beat ’em up and not kill them doesn’t apply to roaches. To him, roaches are as good as dead.

35. Doris Day endorses the International Deluxe Series 56 Roller Compactor.

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Doris Day was an actress and here she is on a steamroller. Which begs the question: how in the hell she’d know about steamrollers? The only people I’ve seen using them are PennDOT workers for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

36. Phillies Cigars present the Mickey Mantle Baseball Special.

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Is it just me or does Mickey Mantle seem like he’s hiding something sinister in that glove? It’s almost like he wants kids to get these cigars for the cards and that they perish by smoking themselves to death.

37. For rich flavor, Dick Nolan smokes Camels.

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I’m sure smoking Camels is going to help Nolan with his play on the field. All it will do is harden his arteries and clog his lungs with tar. Also doesn’t help that he plays for the Detroit Lions.

38. For Christmas, Sean Connery always enjoys the gift of Jim Beam bourbon.

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I thought Sean Connery more or less enjoys martinis, shaken, not stirred. Then again, he’d probably go, “That’s not what your mother said” and act like his crass self on Celebrity Jeopardy.

39. Eddie Cantor likes to make whoopie and smoke Old Gold.

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Uh, Eddie, I think you need to wash your face. Seriously, you really need to wash your face. Your blackface makeup is really causing riots among your black audiences. It’s virulently racist expression. For the love of God, Eddie, wash your freaking face! Jesus Christ!

40. Even Groucho Marx thinks that Frosted Flakes are g-r-r-reat.

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For some reason, I don’t think Groucho is giving a ringing endorsement. Rather his face reads, “How in the hell did this creep get in here? Get me security.”

41. As Bob Hope said, drilling for oil is about as tough as sipping pop from a sponge.

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Apparently, I’m not sure if the sipping through a sponge metaphor makes any sense to me. Could it be that getting oil out is relatively easy at first but as you get more out, it becomes harder to find? That might make some sense.

42. When it comes to underwear, J. R. Ewing prefers $3.oo hard cash and soft comfort in BVD.

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While J. R. Ewing might prefer soft comfort in his underpants, he tends to pursue hard cash by making it harder for everyone else. He’s just that kind of Texas oilman asshole you love to hate.

43. Like Joan Blondell, Auto-Lite Spark Plugs have rhythm and perfect performance.

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Not sure what Joan Blondell knows about spark plugs. But at least this makes better sense than endorsing a steamroller. I mean she probably drives a car. Still, spark plugs aren’t glamorous products.

44. When he’s in the ring, Jerry Lewis grabs the bull by the tail.

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Uh, Jerry, you really don’t want to do that. For one, it’s considered an act of cowardice for matadors in the ring. Second, it pisses off the bull.

45. Orson Welles always enjoys drinking Paul Mason wine.

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Yes, he enjoys wine that suits his large appetite. High caloric food and booze were his major weaknesses as he tried to slim down with crash diets, drugs, and corsets for his early film roles. But after 1960, he was permanently obese.

46. Boris Karloff is distressed that he can’t find his carload full of arsenic.

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This was when Boris Karloff was playing Jonathan Brewster in the original Broadway production of Arsenic and Old Lace. This is for Northern Pacific Railway. Nevertheless, I think his arsenic would’ve been confiscated by security by this point. At least today.

47. Michael Jordan is really into his Ball Park franks.

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I don’t know about you. But it seems like MJ is a little too suggestive while eating his hotdog. Makes me want to question whether which team he really bats for. Then again, he might really enjoy Ball Park franks.

48. Opera singer Patrice Munsel says that Camel cigarettes agree with your throat.

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I guess this woman didn’t have a long career in opera due to her lungs being filled up with tar. Still, Camel cigarettes don’t agree with your throat. Nor does any tobacco products. And that’s not me talking. That’s science.

49. Who knew that Reggie Jackson drove a Volkswagen Rabbit?

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And I guess Reggie Jackson is the guy on his team that everyone makes fun of for driving an ugly car. Then again, the 1970s weren’t a great time for car design. But still, neither Volkswagen or baseball have a great reputation these days.

50. O. J. Simpson gets his kicks with Dingo boots.

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I don’t know what’s crazier about this ad. The fact that Dingo has O. J. Simpson as its spokesman even though the guy would later kill his ex-wife and her boyfriend. Or that O. J. has 3 legs.

51. Before Stevie Wonder would get in a car with a drunk driver, he’d drive himself.

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I saw this poster at my school when I was a grade schooler during the 1990s. It made sense at the time mostly because when you’re that age, you tend to have no idea that Stevie Wonder has been blind from birth. Yes, riding with a drunk driver is a big mistake. So is getting in a car driven by a guy who’s blind like Stevie Wonder.

52. Smirnoff helps Woody Allen get out of his shell.

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That seems like freaky photoshop here by the looks of it. Not sure if Smirnoff should’ve gone with a literal interpretation, especially if it makes Woody Allen a bit of a creep. Then again, he kind of is.

53. Even His Holiness Pope Leo XIII enjoys Mariani Wine.

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Mariani wine was a popular 19th century drink that consisted of Bordeaux wine with cocaine. Pope Leo XIII was a big fan of the drink and had the Vatican award a gold medal for the guy who created it. Yes, you can’t make that stuff up.

54. Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds use Western Union to send a telegram to their mothers on Mother’s Day.

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These two are the parents of Carrie Fisher who’d later play Princess Leia. However, they do seem like such a sweet couple. Too bad that Eddie Fisher would later dump the wholesome Debbie for Elizabeth Taylor. Surprisingly, Debbie and Liz seemed to remain good friends like George Harrison and Eric Clapton.

55. Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy would like you to drink some Coca Cola.

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No, these guys didn’t consist of a mad toymaker and his killer gentlemen doll. Bergen was a ventriloquist and Charlie McCarthy was his dummy (though he does look quite creepy). Their show was very popular on the radio at the time. He’s also the father of Candice Bergen.

56. The Dionne quintuplets march on with Karo.

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Yes, they may appear like little rays of sunshine. But beneath their faces lies a maliciousness that breaks out when you least expect. Avoid these killer cherubs if you can.

57. Groucho Marx enjoys Blatz beer.

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Yes, I know Groucho Marx was a funny guy. But looking at this, he seems like he’s offering you a drink that probably contains poison. And he seems to hope that you’re too dumb to notice.

58. Edmund Lowe protects his voice with Lucky Strikes.

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He’s another opera singer, by the way. However, you what would do a better job protecting his voice than Luckies? Quitting them. Seriously, there are plenty of smokers who’ve lost their voices that some of them had to have special boxes put in.

59. Buster Keaton enjoys Smirnoff Vodka.

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Not sure if you’d want to Buster Keaton to endorse your vodka, Smirnoff. Yes, he’s a silent legend, but he suffered from crippling alcoholism during the 1930s which nearly ruined his life. How bad was it? Well, at one point he married his nurse during an alcoholic binge.

60. Bing Crosby advises parents how to handle teenagers.

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So his advice is with Fleers gum. Wasn’t expecting that. Rather, I thought he’d employ some measure of physical or emotional abuse on his kids, according to a few of his sons. Not sure if I’d trust his judgement.

61. The loveliest women in the world take Ayds like Hedy Lamarr.

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Ayds were weight loss candies they had back in the day. Unfortunately, they fell out of popularity in the 1980s with the AIDS outbreak. Guess Hedy might’ve regretted this endorsement by that time.

62. Elvira just loves a man with a hairy chest.

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I guess she’s a bit into men who tend to be walking carpets. Also, Coors Light had a Beer Wolf mascot? Wonder what happened to him.

63. It’s elementary to know why Basil Rathbone enjoys Chesterfield cigarettes.

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I don’t know about you but does Basil Rathbone seem a bit creepy in this like he’s some serial killer in the dark. Must be the lighting if you ask me.

64. Peter Lawford wishes he went to more parties that serve Heublein’s Cocktails.

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Of course, Peter Lawford was known to have several failed marriages and chronic alcoholism. Died of a heart attack at 61 along with complications associated with kidney and liver failure.

65. Dennis Hopper is practically helpless in his bath tub.

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This is a Japanese shampoo ad from the 1980s. Not sure why Hopper’s like this and why the water in his tube is a bright blue.

66. Phil Silvers always enjoys Smirnoff around the holiday season.

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I don’t know about you, but something doesn’t seem right about Phil Silvers in this. Either he’s violently insane or just drunk.

67. Vincent Price wants you to wrap yourself in Emba Mink.

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Yes, I know that Vincent Price is known to play creeps in his movies. And he’s certainly creepy in this one. But he’s more like the dirty old man trying to grope this young blonde than anything you’d see from a horror movie.

68. When they say, “Bloody Mary,” Julie Newmar reaches for Smirnoff.

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Not sure who Julie Newmar is nor do I care. But whipping out a bottle of vodka like a gun, really? That’s just crazy.

69. Dragnet’s Jack Webb says it’s wise to smoke Fatima cigarettes.

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Jack Webb was a radio personality. No, I’m not sure if he’s ever been in horror movies. Nevertheless, he certainly has a face to play a some slasher film psychokiller. Yes, I can totally see him murdering teenagers and he wouldn’t have to wear a mask.

70. Robert Goulet and Carol Lawrence always enjoy a Heublein cocktail.

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For some reason Robert Goulet seems more focused on Carol Lawrence more than anything. Not sure if he’s staring at her boobs or her legs. Probably her legs. Yes, Robert Goulet is a perv.

Working Out on Fitness Equipment

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After the holidays, it’s not unusual for many people to regret their yuletide season bingefest and have health and weight loss goals among their New Year’s resolutions. Of course, this means having to change your diet like eating healthier foods and exercise like getting more of it and hitting the gym. Retailers have taken notice of this and it’s no surprise that the January catalogs are filled with all kinds of health and fitness stuff in order to help you shed the holiday pounds. They also expect that most people who resolve to lose weight or improve health won’t be sticking to it by February. And by then all that health and fitness stuff will be listed at large discount prices. But you can bet that it will be all advertised again in the spring once Easter is over and bikini season is around the corner. Then again, at that point most people prefer to exercise outdoors, anyway. As for me, I prefer to go for a walk around the nearby roads of my house except when it’s unbearably cold or rainy. Now fitness equipment has existed in gyms and homes for a long time. What you see in this picture consists of the kind of fitness equipment you’d find at any gym or weight room. Yet, since a lot of people don’t have much access to a gym and are willing to try anything to lose weight in the laziest way possible, you tend to see a lot of fitness gizmos being marketed to the masses through infomercials and catalogs. And yes, they can be rather ridiculous Rube Goldberg devices that make inventions you see on Wallace and Gromit seem to make perfect sense (like Wallace’s machine to help him get up in the morning). But it doesn’t stop many of them becoming fads of their own, despite having a ridiculous premise behind it, appearing like something you’d find in a torture chamber or sex dungeon, make you look like a ridiculous idiot, and possibly carrying health risks. So for your viewing pleasure, here are some crazy fitness equipment that will make you scratch your heads in confusion or help shed some pounds through uproarious laughter. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

  1. Free Flexor
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I guess this is among the latest in homoerotic work out equipment that flexes all your arm and shoulder muscles. Also, gives you a 6 minute 3D masturbation experience. And you thought the Shake Weight was inappropriate.

2. Treadmill Bike

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For those who like the run in place while you’re riding your bike, this is for you. Still, if you like running on a treadmill and the great outdoors, there’s always a cheaper option: running outside. Also, it looks like a scooter.

3. Fitness Equipment for Children

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Because why should kids be exempted from the adult gym experience when there’s a childhood obesity crisis on our hands? Besides, little Bobby needs to learn how to bench press if he wants to play in Pee-Wee wrestling or football.

4. Hawaii Chair

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From Huffington Post: “Constantly doing the hula at the office will definitely boost productivity and encourage a fun work environment.” Yeah, until someone pulls a ham string on this one.

5. Slendertone Belt

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So I suppose this is a magical vibrating belt that’s guaranteed to give anybody rock hard abs without doing any work on it. Worn by a guy who probably has his own personal trainer and spends countless hours in the gym.

6. Ab Rocket Twister Abdominal Trainer

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From Greatist: “Five minutes a day to “sizzling rock hard” abs? After a $14.95 30-day trial, some users beg to differ. And while the Ab Rocket might do something for that midsection, the neck and back supports aren’t exactly cushy, and the whole “workout-plus-massage” part? Talk about failure to launch.” Yeah, it looks fairly uncomfortable.

7. Big Wheel Skates

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Trying to skate whether on ice or on roller blades does give you some share of injuries with trips, slips, and falls. However, I think skating on these not only looks more dangerous, it also makes users look like complete idiots.

8. Dumbell Utensils

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Because there’s no need why you should stop lifting weights in order to grab a bite. Just make your meals part of your exercise routine with these heavier utensils that make eating dinner really hard to bite into. Might encourage you to eat with your hands.

9. Steam-O-Belt

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Now this belt operates on the premise that sweating helps you lose body fat (like sauna pants and a lot of other things). Uh, that doesn’t work my friend. Of course, such facts didn’t get in the way of Lord Byron trying to sweat off his weight by wearing layers of waist coats. May not have worked by at least he looked better than these people.

10. Health and Beauty Belt Massager

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 You may see this thing in many old movies, TV shows, and cartoons. And yes, they’re still being made. Still, it’s said that this belt sends a vibrating wave targeting areas of excess fat. So how does that work?

11. Horse Riding Fitness Ace Power

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This one is from South Korea, which is designed, according to the manufacturer and I kid you not, “for those who like to ride the horse in front of TV and in home comfort of their own space.” Like a stable with its own TV? Seriously, how is a portable piece of stationary exercise equipment like riding a horse? I don’t get it.

12. Face Trainer

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I think this is supposed to tone your face to prevent sagging wrinkles through face exercising. I am not making this up. Still, not sure if my head confined to something like that.

13. Shake Weight

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Of course, I couldn’t ignore this one since it has been mercilessly mocked on SNL, Daily Show, South Park, and anywhere else. Helps you get in shape with suggestive pulsating motion as seen here. And yes, they make one for men.

14. The Bounce Back Chair

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It’s supposed to combine the cellular exercise of rebounding with the safety and comfort of a chair. Of course, they also claim that bouncing, “remove toxins, strengthen the immune system, and help build strong healthy cells.” Really?

15. Thigh Master

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This is another famous product that started the whole fitness “as seen on TV” thing. Still, so in order to get great thighs like Suzanne Somers, I just have to work out with this pool noodle clamp thing between my legs. Not sure if I buy it.

16. Combustible Gas Powered Pogo Stick

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Part pogo stick, part jackhammer, this will help you shed pounds faster than you can imagine. Available during the 1960s, but it’s no longer in production for obvious safety concerns. Think of riding a jackhammer without a hose tethering you to a compressor.

17. Ab Lounge Chair

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Not sure if it’s guaranteed to give you rock hard abs. However, if you’re also part of the BDSM community, I assure you won’t be disappointed.

18. Leg Magic X

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This is an exercise machine designed for building leg muscles in senior citizens. You’re supposed to spread your legs and stand on it for 60 second sessions throughout the day. Nevertheless, it doesn’t provide much utility for $150.

19. Bucking Bronco Exercise Machine

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Apparently, in the olden days, working out at the gym had a lot of similarities to riding a mechanical bull. Wonder how many injuries that caused.

20. The Rack

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Don’t get me wrong, but this looks like a complete rip off to me. I mean if I wanted to work out like that, it would be cheaper for me to go over to my grandparents’ house, steal my grandpa’s walker, and exercise with that (which I wouldn’t do  in real life). This guy must feel like a complete idiot.

21. Electric Corset

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So if wearing a shapewear garment that crushes your internal organs wasn’t bad enough for women at the turn of the century. There was even a corset that was supposed to relieve their ills through electroshock. Said to relieve Nervous Debility, Spinal Complaints, Rheumatism, Paralysis, Numbness, Dyspepsia, Liver and Kidney Troubles, Impaired Circulation, Constipation, and Diseases Peculiar to Women. Not surprisingly, the guy who came up with this idea was a well known quack.

22. Dr. Kellogg’s Battle Creek Vibratory Chair

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No, this isn’t an execution device. It’s a therapeutic vibrating chair that was invented by the guy who’s name will be forever associated with a cereal brand. It was said to shake rather violent and be painful to sit on.

23. Wonder Cycle Exercisulator

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From Diettogo: “This device from the 1930’s is supposed to simulate the riding of a horse as you press down on the pedals. Wearing the headgear simply gives you extra style points.” Of course, it might be a fine addition to your sex dungeon if you’re into that sort of thing.

24. Ab Roller

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I think my high school has one of these things. It’s supposed to make doing sit ups easier by negating the lifting of one’s head while also giving them something to hold onto. Still, I might’ve tried to use one of these, but I couldn’t really do a sit up with it.

25. Human Exercise Wheel

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Because there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t have the same endurance work out method as your hamster. Seriously, this is just so ridiculous that you’d think it’s a joke. Sorry, but it’s a totally real thing.

26. Tug Toner

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If you didn’t think the Shake Weight or the Free Flexor didn’t give you a workout that you’d be embarrassed to do in front of the kids. The Tug Toner provides the ultimate suggestively vulgar workout. Costs only $39.95 with shipping and lots of handling.

27. iGallop

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From Complex: “We have our doubts that anyone has actually purchased this machine. It is our belief that it was engineered to produce a series of softcore porn infomercials starring girls in bootie shorts and cowboy hats. But, if you believe a half-hearted version of horseback riding is a great workout, and you are unable to get laid (as the workout has certainly similarities to the motions you go through in the sack) … well, this is the machine for you.” This kind of makes sense if you think about it.

28. The Europlate Vibraslim

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So in order to lose weight and get fit, I could stand on a vibrating platform for a few minutes. So how is this exercise? Because I don’t think standing on something that’s vibrating necessarily is.

29. Tony Little’s Gazelle Freestyle

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From Complex: “In his long and infamous career, Tony Little has produced enough fitness-related garbage to have this entire list to himself. With such inventions as Tony Little’s Cheeks Health Sandals to this atrocity, Little has made a career as a douchey fitness mad scientist. At least mad scientists tend to keep to themselves, chill in their lairs, and avoid sexual harassment.” It’s said that the informercial for this almost resembles a porn video.

30. Dr. Kellogg’s Stomach Roller

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Created by Dr. J. H. Kellogg, this was one of the early exercise machines that promised great abs. Not sure whether it worked or how it was supposed to accomplish that.

31. Power Wheel Pike

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It’s a wheel you’re supposed to do push ups with. Nevertheless, uni-cyclists can be happy that this product makes them seem normal in comparison.

32. Push Up Pump

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This one is supposed to help you with push ups. Of course, those who are push up challenged like me might save $100 if they use the same strategy as I do for a push up. You know, do knee push ups instead. Works just as well.

33. Red Exerciser

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This is supposed to swivel your way to a healthy body. Just sit down on this red stool, hold tight, and twist. Also doubles as a rather overpriced bar stool.

34. Relax-a-Cizor

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From Life Aura: This contraption should win an award somewhere for being the most ludicrous invention ever introduced to humankind! The poor women who had tried the vibration to no avail somehow became convinced that allowing themselves to be shocked via electricity would help! The Relax-a-Cizor was sold to over 400,000 unsuspecting victims before it was finally taken out of circulation, due to some very nasty side effects, including miscarriage, irregular heart rhythms, and aggravation of a number of underlying medical conditions. What a shock that is! No pun intended of course.” Available during the 1960s.

35. Slender Salon

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So I guess one of the few ways for women to get into shape in the 1950s is to sit on a chair with springs around their legs. And they could do their knitting in the meantime.

36. Slendertone Bottom Toner

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From Spot Me Girl: “With 99 intensity levels, your bottom isn’t the only thing it’s looking to tone! (seriously, why are all the vibrating things for women?)” She has a very good point. Still, this looks so ridiculous.

37. Walk Station

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Basically, it’s a treadmill for your work station that allows you to walk in place as you work. From Spot Me Girl: “This actually isn’t weird at all. It’s the fastest way to sound out of breath to your clients and the best way to smell awful at the office.”

38. Jump Snap- The Ropeless Jump Rope

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Now you can jump rope without ever having to worry about getting tangled in an an actual jump rope. Only catch is that it makes you look like a complete idiot in public.

39. Abdoer Twist

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From Huffington Post: “This piece of “equipment” looks like a horrible cross between office chair and virtual reality ride, I’m nauseous just looking at it.” Actually an office chair and virtual reality cross would be more fun than this thing.

40. Slendertone System Shorts

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Also known as vibrating Spanx as you can see. Are Spanx supposed to vibrate and help you lose weight? No.

41. Teeter Hang Ups Gravity Boots

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From Complex: “The fitness benefits of hanging upside down are … absolutely zero. But if you can’t fight the urge to defy gravity, we urge you to lock the door. You don’t want to get robbed, pranked by mischievous roommates, or have a visit from a vengeful ex while you are stupidly stuck in these.” Has a good point.

42. Gliding Discs Exercise System

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From Huffington Post: “Just what you’ve always wanted, two pieces of slippery plastic to help make your workout tougher and infinitely more dangerous. Place it under your feet then attempt a lunge! Watch out when you fall right on your face.”

43. BeamFit Balance and Exercise Beam

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From Huffington Post: “This one is super complicated. For $80 you can try to walk in a straight line.” Seems like a ripoff to me. I can walk in a straight line for no money at all.

44. Cool Shapes

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Another pair of exercise Spanx. But this time, you insert ice packs to freeze your body fat off. Not sure if it works, but I wouldn’t want to put ice packs in my pants to lose weight. What am I nuts?

45. Body Blade

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Now you can get in shape while reenacting your Robin Hood or Katniss Everdeen fantasies. Also makes you look like an idiot since it doesn’t come with arrows or a bowstring.

46. Molby Revolving Hammock

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From Slip Talk: “By the time the roaring 1920’s emerged, corsets were on their way out. However, inventors and scientists found new and exciting ways to combine painful bondage into passive fitness methods.”

47. High Tech Ride iJoy

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From Huffington Post: “Get six-pack abs and simulate riding a mechanical bull with the High Tech Ride iJoy. All you need to do is ‘sit back, keep your balance and have fun.'”

48. Mechanized Magic Beauty Chair

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From Life Aura: “The Magic chair made its debut in 1936 and offered a variety of ways to help a woman lose weight and become more pleasant to the eyes, simply by sitting in this nifty chair. The idea was that rigorously twisting the poor woman from side to side would somehow correct her posture, chip away at water retention in her ankles, slim her chin and all kinds of other lovely things! Never mind that not everyone sitting in this chair even had a crooked spine to begin with, perhaps after though!” Looks more like a torture device to me than a beauty chair.

49. Wonder Lounge Exerciser

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It’s a lounge chair that doubles as a workout mat. Wonder if anyone has gotten squeezed inside during assembly.

50. Sit Fit Exercise Device

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From Huffington Post: “For those who always wanted to grate cheese with their feet but never developed the right muscles.” Looks pretty painful, especially with heels.

51. Peddler

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From Huffington Post: “Stimulates leg circulation anywhere! Also, tense coworkers can lie beneath your desk and put product between their shoulder blades for an easy massage.” Makes a convenient doorstop.

52. Portable Home Gym

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From Huffington Post: “Perform hundreds of exercises including throwing pieces of metal against the wall in frustration.” You can say the same about some of the other devices on this post. Still, this ad makes it seem so fun.

53. Arm Exercise Weights

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Now you can get in shape at work while wearing an arm band with weights. Might weigh you down while you’re trying to do your job.

54. Slimming and Toning System

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From Huffington Post: “Full disclosure: Any product that requires users to take off their off their pants takes a little while to get used to. But fitness-minded friends will understand that sometimes, extreme toning calls for extreme measures. “

55. Talking Hand Exerciser

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You’re supposed to work your arm muscles by squeezing it. But squeezing it too hard might make this product scream in pain.

56. 2-Step Under-Desk Dancercise for Feet

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From Huffington Post: “Not only should you not be “dancercising” at your desk, but we’re pretty sure you can do whatever this product suggests using, well, your own two feet.”

57. The Velcro Home Jogger

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Because nothing makes a great workout than running in place in your own living room. Maybe if you want to go running, perhaps go outside.

58. Under-Clothing Resistance Weights

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They’re weights you wear under your legs in order to get fit. Just make sure you don’t wear them while swimming. Or if your boss might throw you in the lake.

59. Speedfit Portable Treadmill

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A treadmill is stationary equipment for people to run in place. It should stay that way. Seriously, a treadmill with wheels is just idiotic.

60. Shape Up Dumbbell Alarm Clock

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Some people tend to work out first thing in the morning. But this is just ridiculous. Seriously, why?

61. Dr. Weener’s Stud Master

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From the box, “At last – an exerciser that conditions the one muscle that all other machines ignore!” I wonder what that could be. Looks rather phallic. Oh, that’s what it’s for.

62. The Upper Body Aerobic Exerciser

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How is this supposed to exercise your upper body? All this looks to me is just a couple of rings melded together with bolts and handles. Also seems like a less erotic alternative to the shake weight than anything.

63. The Speedboard

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It’s supposed to be a treadmill without a motor and it’s powered by gravity and your ability to lift the weights. So how is this a treadmill?

64. Dumbell Phone

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Now you can lift weights while you’re on the phone. Of course, you’ll have to keep it up during the entire conversation unless you switch hands from time to time. Also, it’ll make you look incredibly stupid in front of your kids.

65. Vibrating Platform

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This is what a vibrating platform looked like during your grandparents’ day. Resembles some sci-fi styled torture device. But I’m sure those springs are electrically charged.

66. Ab Crunching Machine

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This was an invention by Dr. Gustave Zander. And this was how 19th century men tried to get those rock hard abs at the gym. Yeah, it kind of looks like something you’d see in Steampunk sex dungeon. But a man had to work out in his suit.

67. Push Up Machine

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This mechanism makes it easier for a Victorian gentlemen to do push ups or leg presses. Also, had to do them in his suit just to remain proper.

68. Adult Jungle Gym

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Allows adults to exercise their whole body at the gym. Or a rich Victorian gentleman’s sex dungeon. Makes me wonder whether Dr. Zander had some fetish with bondage.

69. Gentleman’s Leg Press

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This fitness device is supposed to strengthen your lower body by placing your feet on some large drum with their shoes off. Now I wonder how this is supposed to work. Guy just looks like he’s keeping his feet warm to me.

70. Work Out Frame Bench

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Yhis boy seems to enjoy working out on that piece of equipment. Kind of like I did in high school whenever I had to spend gym class in the weight room, which was a lot during the colder months. God, I used to hate it there.

71. Power Spin

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Said to: “Delivers arms and abs to be proud of.” It’s around tube with a ball in it that you just wiggle around for a long time with repetitive wrist motions. So it’s more likely to give you Carpal Tunnel Syndrome than great abs and biceps.

72. Lady’s Body Harness

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So I guess this is one of the few acceptable ways a Victorian lady could get in shape at the gym. Doesn’t really seem to do much. Seems like an early vibrating belt to me.

73. Love Handler

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It’s supposed to help you sculpt your body by helping you get rid of your love handles. Uh, I don’t think spot fat removal works that way. Eating less and more cardiovascular exercises is more effective.

74. Panasonic Core Exercise Trainer

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From Scooby’s Workshop: “There are much less expensive ways to train your core and they don’t take up half the room! To their credit they don’t make any unreasonable claims.” And don’t cost $2000 either. Buying a yoga mat and DVD is a better investment.

75. The ViPR

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It’s said that you can do over 9,000 exercises with this. You know what else you can do thousands of exercises with? A floor.

76. Facial Fitness Pao Smile Trainer

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Because nothing firms your face like a mouth plug with blades on it. Product from Japan. Seriously, why the hell does this even exist? Why?

77. The Sizer Upper

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I call this the “Sizer Upper” because all I think they’re doing is sizing each other up. Not sure how that gets you exercise.

78. Ab Circle

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Said to help you get great abs by helping you twirl in circles. Looks like some small stool with knee rests and handles to me.

79. Facial Lift Atonce

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Again another plug for your mouth that’s said to help prevent wrinkles and also makes you seem like an idiot. Probably doesn’t work.

80. TRX

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It’s a large fitness rack that seems to cost a lot and take up a lot of space. You’re supposed to work out on it with ropes. A swing set or monkey bars would make more sense.