But before the Baudelaires can explore the notion of their parents’ time on the island, Ishmael shows up but they can’t tell whether the guy’s pissed off or smiling. Instead of answering their questions, he goes on a yarn talking about his time before he came to the island. He talks about having a funny looking girl in class while he was a schoolteacher with references to incidents similar in the Baudelaires’ on lives. He also remarks upon a fish themed restaurant as well as a ship bound to Peru. Nevertheless, it seems that the Baudelaire parents were once the island’s facilitators who had a hand at getting water filtration system as well as wanted a passageway from the place to Anwhistle Aquatics. But Ishmael staged a mutiny with his supporters and drove them off to the coastal shelf with their mom pregnant with Violet at the time. And since an unfortunate event is bound to happen in one’s life, the best solution is to stay as far away from the world as possible and lead a safe, simple life. That way, there won’t be any schisms again. Know that Ishmael’s talking like a cult leader at this point. Though he says people do leave.

I chose Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer” for this sequence though it talks about poverty and loneliness in New York City that’s mostly autobiographical and partially inspired by The Bible. In this version, Ishmael talks about his time before coming to the island and driving off the Baudelaire parents.

“Ishmael’s Tale”

Sung by Ishmael

I was just a teacher though my story’s seldom told
I have squandered my resistance for a pocketful of mumbles, such are promises
All lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest, hmmmm

One of my former students in class had scraggly hair and monobrow
A girl with only one ear
Living in a house owned by one who killed a man with cantaloupe
From the Lucky Smells Melon owned by brothers years ago
One was killed in town by accused kid hoboes

Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie
Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, la la lie la lie

The girl wouldn’t drink the tea her keeper made for her
Of bitter wormwood
Got a come on at Bistro Smelt on 7th Avenue
Just a come-on from the whores on 7th Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

I was once on a ship rolling asea
That was called the Pericles
On its long voyage to south Peru
Before I was later washed up on this island shore
After the split
I just wanted to find a place to live
Where treachery will never persist
As the leader, I vowed to make life simple and strict

Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie
Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, la la lie la lie

Your folks were once facilitators of this very island long ago
For a time
When they got water filtration and wanted a passageway, to marine
Facility

So to keep the island safe and cut off we staged a mutiny
When your mom was knocked up with Violet
We drove them off to the coastal shelf
So while we may endure substantial pain
To avoid it, lead a simple life and just stay far away

Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie
Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, la la lie la lie

However, Finn and Erewhon had no idea that they sent the Baudelaires on an errand similar to sending a kid to the candy store with a request to buy the worst candy that’s hardest to find. For the arboretum contains all the stuff that washed ashore that Ishmael had hauled away which include junk, books, and even foodstuffs. As Snicket describes it, “Stretched out as far as the eye could see were pile of objects, heaps of items, towers of evidence, bales of materials, clusters of details, stacks of substances, hordes of pieces, arrays of articles, constellations of details, galaxies of stuff, and universes of things – an accumulation, an aggregation, a compilation, a concentration, a crowd, a herd, a flock, and a register of seemingly everything on Earth.” There’s so much Violet can use to invent, plenty for Klaus to read, and a lot for Sunny to cook. But before they get too distracted, they try to locate some weapons (though I don’t see why Violet could just make some). Then Inky heads of to search for something, leading the children to discover Ishmael’s footprints and the fact he’s been sneaking inside the arboretum on a regular basis. He even uses a periscope to predict the weather. Yet, what truly astonishes them is what they find in the Captain’s Log, which not just includes Ishmael’s entries, but also those by, wait for it…their parents.

Naturally, I went with Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” in which Joel recounts the events over the first 50 years of his life or at least prior to the release of Stormfront. In this version the Baudelaires recount all the stuff they found in the arboretum which corresponds to their respective hobbies (well, Violet and Klaus’s anyway).

“In the Arboretum”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Lone propeller, roller skates, sledge hammer, window pane
Bunsen burner, safety razor, handheld radio
Welding torches, air condition, water filter, television
Sewing needles, ferret feeders, mini stereo

Klaus:
Thesaurus, Voltaire, Moby Dick, Baudelaire
Mark Twain, Coraline, and the Catcher in the Rye
Vonnegut, Racine, lyrics by Bruce Springsteen
Magic Mountain, Harry Potter, Santayana, Oh my

Both:
In the arboretum
Ismael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

Violet:
Power engine, steering wheel, chainsaw, movie reel
Solar panels, Citronellas, and some concrete blocks
Flotsam, mobile phone, coffee maker, Dacron
Gear box car parts, and grandfather clock
Corkscrew, high beams, got some cans of gasoline
Velvet painting, soda cans, Rolex wristwatch, grabber hands
Stove top, microwave, lighter fluid, black lights
Ankle brace, tatted lace, and a pair of knee highs

Both:
In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

Klaus:
Bradbury, Pasternak, Victor Hugo, Kerouac
Steinbeck, Private Lives, Bridge on the River Kwai
In Cold Blood, Wildfell Hall, Maltese Falcon, Carroll
Scarlet Letter, Bill of Rights, Carrie, and E. B. White…

Godfather, Ben-Hur, Hunger Games, Mockingbird
Dan Handler, Puzo, Twilight Saga, oh, no
Eco, Tennessee, Fitzgerald, Capote
Henry Addams, Thoreau, Stephen King’s Cujo

Both:
In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

Klaus:
Hemingway, Hamlet, Stranger in a Strange Land
Dylan, Webster’s, Orwell, Stevenson
Lawrence of Arabia, set of Encyclopedias
Whitman, Blackmore, Bibles, James Patterson

London, Malcolm X, Beauvoir’s Second Sex
Agnes Grey, The Brontes, what else do I have to say?

Both:
In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

Violet:
Plane controls, Sunny’s whisk, cocktail mixer, airplane wing
Black box, car parts, water can, flintlocks
Small tins, engines, wirelines, a can filled with shoe shine
Staplers, pencils and tin cans, cutlery and ceiling fans
Bedframe springboards, Christmas lights, generators, 409
Pinking shears, machine gears, nails, tacks, typewriters
Cameras, cell phones, tiled floors, Klaus’s commonplace book
Worn out couches, driftwood doors, oh my god, there’s so much more

Both:
In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
There is stuff galore
While there’s still more, and more, and more,
And more, and more, and more, and more…

In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

In the arboretum
Ishmael always sneaks in
Whenever no one sees him
In the arboretum
How he loves to hide it
While we try to find it

Though the Baudelaires reluctantly agree on promise to put Kit Snicket in a safer location, they do it because they want everything okay for them and her. Kit isn’t happy about the idea of them getting weapons from the arboretum. But she has no idea what the hell is going on the island or what the children had to put up with at this point. For God’s sake, they aided Count Olaf escape and set fire to a 9 story hotel full of people. Getting weapons from the arboretum is nothing compared to that. But I’m sure Finn and Erewhon are delighted.

So the song I went with for their jubilation is J.J. Cale’s “After Midnight” which is most famously covered by Eric Clapton. In the original version, it’s in anticipation of sex or a party, which often came on the radio during my high school years after a football game I went to for marching band. In this version, I have Finn and Erewhon excitedly tell the mutinous islanders that the Baudelaires agreed to get weapons for them in the arboretum.

“After Midnight” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Finn and Erewhon

Finn:
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna chugalug and shout
Gonna stimulate some action
We gonna get some satisfaction
Ish gonna find out what it is all about

Erewhon:
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
Knew Baudelaires would all agree
After midnight
We’re gonna stage a grand mutiny
Gonna cause talk and suspicion
We gonna give an exhibition
Ish gonna find out what it is all about
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down

Yea yeah yea
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down

Finn:
After midnight
Baudelaires’ll get our arms for free
After midnight
They’re gonna be at the aborete
Gonna cause talk and suspicion
We gonna give an exhibition
Ish gonna find out what it is all about

Both:
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down
After midnight
We gonna let it all hang down

Later that night, two figures emerge from a distance consisting of a young girl named Finn and an old woman named Erewhon who bring the Baudelaires food and ask them not to tell Ishmael. Because they already keep so many secrets from one another like teaching each other how to do things without their Dear Leader having any idea. Guess they don’t mind him sitting all day in a tent with his feet covered in clay. But why do these two want the kids to keep mum this time? Because they’re planning a mutiny seeing Ishamel as the root of their troubles that they’ve put up with for far too long. So they’re devising to put him and his supporters on the outrigger on Decision Day. And they let the children know since Ishmael had them abandoned. But since they’ve only been on the island for a few days, they’re not sure what side they should be on. So Finn and Erewhon decide to bargain with the Baudelaires by promising that they’ll get Kit somewhere safe while the kids fetch weapons from the arboretum. The children agree despite Kit’s protests.

For Erewhon and Finn, I decided to go with a surf song such as the Beach Boys’ “Help Me, Rhonda” in which a guy asks a girl to be with him so he can get over his ex who cheated on him. Though it’s an upbeat 1960s surf melody since you can’t really have sad surf songs. In this version, I have Erewhon and Finn try to convince the Baudelaires to help them stage a mutiny.

“Help Us, Children”

Sung by Finn and Erewhon

Finn:
We brought you some food so promise not to tell Ishmael
We keep many secrets from him, but now we’d like to give him hell

Well, Ishmael he’s such a turd (such a turd)
So swear you won’t leak out any word
So you please help us children
Help us commit our own mutiny

Help us children
Help, help us children
Help me children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children yeah
Aid us in our mutiny

Erewhon:
Ishmael’s the root of our strife
We want him off the island
Can you please help us get some weapons?
And go help with our plans

We’ll get Kit to someplace safe (someplace safe)
Do Ishmael will be out on Decision Day
So you please help us children
Help us commit our own mutiny

Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children yeah
Aid us in our mutiny

Both:
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help me children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children yeah
Aid us in our mutiny

Just as the Baudelaires paralyzed over making a decision whether to let Count Olaf out of his cage or leave him, Kit wakes up wondering where they are. Violet clarifies that they’re on an island coastal shelf. But they don’t want to give her too much like they’ve been abandoned, that the islander’s rejected them, and that the coast is due to flood soon. But Kit seems to have some idea since she’s heard about this place. Apparently, she describes it as nothing like the Baudelaires experienced it since she mentions an enormous library, mechanical wonders, and gourmet meals. She heard one associate say that he ate the best Oyster Rockefellers he had there. So she surmises that the kids must have a wonderful time. Except they’re not. Though Kit does mention a schism on the island and someone named Thursday. The Baudelaires then come clean about the fire but distract her about Count Olaf being with them when Kit asks about Dewey. Because Dewey is dead. However, Kit can’t get down from the book stack due to her injured feet.

For this part, I went with the Harry McClintock version of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain” which describes a hobo’s paradise in a modern version of a medieval Cockaigne. McClintock claimed to have written the song in 1895 based on his youthful exploits as a hobo in the US. Yet, some believe at least the song’s aspects have been around for far longer. Nonetheless, his 1928 recorded version is cleaned up from the one he sang in the 1890s which includes a stanza in which the protagonist finds the whole big rock candy mountain is a lie and suggests the hobo using such tale to rape him. In this version, I have Kit Snicket describe the island in this book that she knew as a paradise it no longer is.

“The Big Rock Candy Island”

Sung by Kit Snicket

One evening as the sun went down
And the jungle fire was burning,
Had a cup with a man named Thursday
Said of the Best Oyster Rockerfellers
He returned from a land that’s far away
Beyond the crystal fountains
While adrift at sea, best you go see
The Big Rock Candy Island

In the Big Rock Candy Island
There’s a land that’s fair and bright,
Where the roses grow on bushes
And you sleep out every night
Where the gadgets all are wondrous
And the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees
And the horseradish trees
The beautiful spring
When the bluebirds sing
In the Big Rock Candy Island
In the Big Rock Candy Island
Your meals are high gourmet
Help yourself to its vast library
Where you kids can read in all day
The central trees are full of fruit
Pick the apples where you may
Oh, I damn well hope
You’re giving a go
To its seafood bar
And dinner show
In the Big Rock Candy Island

In the Big Rock Candy Island
They make so much stuff with junk
From its metal abstract sculptures
To its devices of steampunk
The arboretum’s a stunning sight
You must have a wondrous time
There’s bluefin stew
And some Cape Cod, too
You can paddle all around ’em
In a big canoe
In the big Rock Candy Island

In the Big Rock Candy Island
There’s so much that washes in
You can surely have your pick
As soon as it comes in
There aren’t no unpleasant cordials
No bland meals of raw fish
You must enjoy your stay
Where you read all day
Where they’d hang the Turk
Who’s a complete jerk
In the Big Rock Candy Island

You must be having quite a ball
In the Big Rock Candy Island

Count Olaf then claims that he wasn’t just waiting for the Baudelaires to arrive in his clutches. For he’s been doing terrible shit all his life and knows things they can’t even imagine. Of course, this isn’t surprising, but Lemony Snicket does give details in his Unauthorized Autobiography. The kids claim they’re not interested, but he’s aware that they want to know more since they’ve always been curious children. After all, the Baudelaires were raised to be curious and get into situations which they probably could’ve gotten out of if they didn’t have the curiosity to find out and get to the bottom of things (like saving their friends or solving their problems). And they certainly want to know what makes their archenemy tick as well as how involved the Baudelaire parents were in bringing him to where he is now. Nonetheless, it’s pretty clear that Olaf is tempting the Baudelaires into letting him so they run round the large book stack and try to come up with a different plan. Yet, you have to wonder if they’ll go along with Olaf like in the Penultimate Peril.

Anyway, since I know that Count Olaf is a braggart, I used Warren Zevon’s “Mr. Bad Example,” which is about a man who’s basically cut from the same cloth from him. Yet, I took out some of the lyrics involving the guy swindling the bald and hiding out in some Third World country. In this version, I left a lot of the original intact since despite that I’m not sure if Olaf served as an altar boy or worked in his dad’s carpet store, you can totally see him doing these things. Yet, I also put some stuff about his acting career and V.F.D.

“Mr. Bad Example” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

I started as an altar boy, working at the church
Learning all my holy moves, doing some research
Which led me to a cash box, labeled “Children’s Fund”
I’d leave the change, and tuck the bills inside my cummerbund

I got a part-time job at my father’s carpet store
Laying tackless stripping, and housewives by the score
I loaded up their furniture, and took it to Spokane
And auctioned off every last Naugahyde divan

I’m very well acquainted with the seven deadly sins
I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in
I’m proud to be a glutton, and I don’t have time for sloth
I’m greedy, and I’m angry, and I don’t care who I cross

I’m Mr. Bad Example, intruder in the dirt
I like to have a good time, and I don’t care who gets hurt
I’m Mr. Bad Example, take a look at me
I’ll live to be a hundred, and go down in infamy

I then went to drama school took a theater degree
And driven all my colleagues to mad insanity
Then strangled some bishop, threw a widow off a cliff
Before escaping prison in ten minutes after being stiffed

Then on to Monte Carlo to play chemin de fer
I threw away the fortune I stole under the Montclairs
I put my last few francs down on a prostitute
Who took me up to her room to perform the flag salute

Whereupon I stole her passport and her wig
And headed for the airport and the midnight flight, you dig?
And fourteen hours later I was down in Adelaide
Raking through the rich folks drinking Merlot in the shade

I set fire to my critics who panned me too many times
Often killed kids’ parents, mainly in disguise
Whenever I steal their fortunes, I take a whopping cut
I whisked away my troupe’s earned comp and pauperize the lot

I’m Mr. Bad Example, intruder in the dirt
I like to have a good time, and I don’t care who gets hurt
I’m Mr. Bad Example, take a look at me
I’ll live to be a hundred and go down in infamy

I started V.F.D.’s schism for my noxious airs
And started several fires none the worse for wear
I’m thinking of exposing them all to these helmet spores
And stealing their outrigger and leave the island’s shores

The Baudelaires are shocked that they’ve been abandoned on the coastal shelf that night with a crazy villain, a friendly snake, and an unconscious pregnant woman on a pile of books. Though they start making plans for living there, Klaus points out they’ll be covered in a Decision Day tide. So they consider to make a boat for themselves as the tide rises for Kit managed it. But that doesn’t mean it would work for them. Yet, as they try to plan a way to get Kit down from her raft of books, a caged Count Olaf pipes up that he has a plan. However, he’s not going to tell them unless the kids let him out. Though he gives hints like trying to oust Ishmael from his “Olaf-land,” stealing the outrigger, and threatening islanders with the dreaded Medusoid Mycelium. He also tells the children to check what fell out of the facilitator’s sleeve which is found to be an apple core, proving that he’s hiding things and sneaking off to the arboretum.

The song I went with here is “The Court of Miracles” from Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame where Phoebus and Quasimodo find themselves ambushed by Romani for intruding their hideaway. Despite that the two men came to warn Esmeralda and her people that Frollo knows where they’re hiding and plans to attack at dawn with a thousand men. However, Frollo just follows the two and arrests them right there since he just let it slip to Quasimodo that he knows so he’d feel compelled to lead him to it. The song consists of Clopin singing on how he plans to kill Phoebus and Quasimodo for simply being there. Thank God, Esmeralda convinces them that they’re friends for a time.

“Count Olaf’s Plea”

Sung by Count Olaf

Count Olaf:
I’ve got a plan to dupe that old piece of shit
Just let me out of this prison
I’ll share it with you
This beach will be flooded on Decision Day
And well, you’re screwed
Ishmael’s thrown you out
Kit’s laid on the stack
And you can’t get out
So you might as well
Stick out with me for awhile
Of course, I’m trying to trick you orphans!
That’s the way of the world nowadays, kids
We all got our schemes and secrets
With which we use on who we try to outwit

Ishmael outwitted me, put me in this cage
But I can outsmart him and his island folks
If you let me out, I can be king of Olaf-Land
And you three can serve me as my new henchfolk
So we agree?

Klaus: No way. We just want to be safe.

Count Olaf:
Nowhere in the world’s safe

That idiot judges what’s on the shore

Violet:
Yes, we all know

Count Olaf:
Come on, kids!

Klaus:
You’re an ass!

Count Olaf:
So what?

Sunny:
Dang!

Count Olaf:
Ishmael is equally treacherous
Just look what fell out of his sleeve
Now you’ll see what I mean

When Ishmael appears to the coastal shelf, things tart getting interesting. Count Olaf tries to fool him with his Kit Snicket shtick, but Ishmael isn’t falling for it. Instead, tears off the seaweed wig of Olaf’s head and locks him up in a giant birdcage. Olaf is obviously pissed at this treatment since people usually let him get away with his stupid disguises and now he can’t have things his own way. But just as the colonists tell him that he’s been treacherous while the Baudelaires have been good, Olaf points out that Sunny has a whisk in her pocket, prompting the children to come clean about what they’re hiding. Ishmael reacts with, “We took you in with the goodness in our hearts and this is what you do to us?” Though public pressure convinces him to let them stay. Until the Baudelaires mention that a poor pregnant Kit Snicket is on the book raft, which Count Olaf announces she’s his girlfriend. Klaus obviously denies this. Ishmael then accuses the children of rocking the boat again and decides to abandon them unless they play by the rules. And Decision Day is approaching. But while the other islanders reluctantly go ahead with their resident Jim Jones, something falls from Ishmael’s sleeve and lands into a puddle.

Once again, I return to Les Miserables with “The Confrontation” in which Javert tells Jean Valjean he knows who he is and is trying to arrest him while Jean is begging him to give him 3 days so he can find Cosette after her mother’s death. And it ends with Valjean threatening Javert. In this version, I have Ishmael put Count Olaf in a cage, take the Baudelaires’ items, and abandon the kids for the night.

“The Cage”

Ishmael:
Olaf, at last,
I see we meet at last

Count Olaf:
I’m Kit Snicket
I’m not a man, you ass

Ishmael:
This is just a seaweed wig, Olaf
Grab him and throw him in the cage
Lock him up tight! For he is an evil man.

Islanders:
Count Olaf has been a treacherous man
The Baudelaires have been righteous as we see

Count Olaf:
If so, you say, then what’s that on Sunny?

Violet:
Well, it’s a whisk, Klaus has a book,
I’ve a ribbon…

Ishmael:
We taught you the rules!
Which you have chosen to ignore
We took you in with all our hearts
You weren’t kind in turn

(In Counterpoint)

Violet:
Believe of us what you will

Friday:
The wild sheep can take everything here
Nobody thinks it’s unkind
Except, you on this land, Ish

Klaus:
There’s a woman on the stack

Count Olaf:
She’s my girlfriend, Kit Snicket

Klaus:
She’s not for I know this bastard
Well

Violet:
What are you accusing us?

Klaus:
Do you even have a heart?

Violet:
There are urgent matters here

Klaus:
Who cares if we rock the boat.

Violet:
This poor woman needs our help

Klaus:
Ishmael, you have gone too far

Violet:
Why would you leave her drown?

Klaus:
What’s fallen from your robe?

Ishmael (in counterpoint):
Baudelaires, I’ll let you stay
But you must abide our ways
Books,
To the arboretum
Don’t rock the boat – again, kids,
Right?
We never had all of this fuss
Before you three kids all washed up
Leave the woman with Olaf
D-Day will be coming fast
The coastal shelf will soon flood
I won’t force you to go back
But you will drown within the mud
Please help me towards my tent
Don’t mind what I had dropped
Baudelaires, you all stay ashore
Others here, the choice is yours

Violet:
We will stay with her tonight

Count Olaf:
There is no place for you to hide

Klaus:
This situation is so unfair

Count Olaf:
I shouldn’t even be in here

Violet:
Ishmael is such a fascist guy

Violet and Klaus:
I swear to her, I will be there!