When Esme has a friend coming over one evening so she makes reservations for Jerome and the Baudelaires to have dinner at Café Salmonella at 7:00. I know you wouldn’t want to eat at a restaurant that shares a name for a food disease. But before they go, she has them change into pinstripe suits she bought for them from the “In” Boutique. Not surprisingly, the children fake enthusiasm for their gifts despite being miserable since they knew they could’ve got stuff they actually wanted. Even worse, the clothes are in adult-sized which obviously don’t fit them and look ridiculous in them, especially for Sunny who’s buried in hers (this isn’t the case in the TV show). But Violet decides that they shouldn’t act like spoiled rich kids akin to Carmelita Spats since they now have a home, food, and should be safe from Count Olaf as the doorman promised. So they decide to suck it up.

I selected Irving Berlin’s “Blue Skies” for this part. The original version is an upbeat song about how all the bad things go away when one’s fallen in love. And it’s been a classic for decades. In this version, I have Esme tell them to wear the pinstripe suits she gave them as well as the Baudelaires complaining about them.

“Pinstripes”

Esme:
I’ve got a friend who’s coming tonight
Got to have you out before he swings by
Before you go to Café Salmonella to dine
Change in these suits I’ve bought you to shine

Pinstripes
From In Boutique
Got to have pinstripes
To look chic

Pinstripes
Make you look right
Got to wear pinstripes
For tonight

Klaus:
Why do we have to wear these ill-fitting suits
When the Squalors could buy better books
This one isn’t even in my size
I’m merely twelve, not twenty-five

Pinstripes
Not for us please
To eat where its name is
A food disease

Violet:
Maybe we’re being a bit out of whack
Maybe we’re acting a bit like Carmelita Spats
We got a home, food, and away from the Count
But Duncan and Isadora are certainly not

The Baudelaires’ life with the Squalors is rather mixed. On the bright side, they’re back in the city where they were born and raised while Jerome takes them on outings to their favorite places like the Jules Verne Invention Museum, the Akhmatova Bookstore, and the Pincus Hospital. On the downside, the penthouse is ridiculously large with bedrooms, living rooms, dining rooms, breakfast rooms, snack rooms, standing rooms, ballrooms, kitchens, and other rooms that seemed to have no purpose at all. So it’s easy for the Baudelaires to get lost since the Squalors didn’t give them a map of the place to find their way around. In addition, despite being promised rooms that would appeal to them, things aren’t great either. Violet may have a room with a workbench but no tools to invent stuff with. Klaus’s bedroom is next to the library but the books are records of what’s in or out in the past. Definitely something a 12-year-old boy would be interested in, especially a precocious bookworm like Klaus. And Sunny’s room is no good since it’s full of soft baby toys so she can’t have fun biting things instead of dog toys and teething rings. They’re also unsettled since they don’t know what’s going on with their friends. And then there’s Esme who just sees the kids more like accessories than any kind of responsibility. She’s bored listening to how the Baudelaires are worried about the Quagmires. In fact, she’s more concerned with organizing the upcoming “In” Auction in which she’s raising money for a good cause like herself.

A song I chose for the Baudelaires’ perception of Esme would be “Killer Queen” by Queen, which was their breakthrough hit. The original version of the song is about a high-class call girl because according to songwriter Freddie Mercury, “I’m trying to say that classy people can be whores as well.” In this version, I have Violet and Klaus sing how much of a bitch Esme is, a word which here means, “a selfish and unpleasant woman with no consideration for other people and always expects others to toe the line.”

“Killer Queen” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Klaus:
She keeps Moët et Chandon
In her pretty cabinet
‘Let them eat cake,’ she says
Just like Marie Antoinette
Rich bitch guaranteed
A vain fashion devotee
Always has an invitation
You can’t decline

Violet:
Caviar and cigarettes
Well versed in etiquette
Extraordinarily vile

Violet and Klaus:
She’s a Killer Queen
Always on the scene
A fashion crazed queen of mean
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try?

Klaus:
To avoid complications
She always keeps the same address
In conversation
She speaks just like a baroness
Met a man from China
Went down to Geisha Minah
Then again incidentally
If you’re that way inclined

Violet:
Perfume came naturally from Paris
For us she couldn’t care less
Fastidious and precise

Violet and Klaus:
She’s a Killer Queen
Always on the scene
A fashion crazed queen of mean
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Violet:
Drop of a hat she’s as willing as
Playful as a pussy cat
Then momentarily out of action
Temporarily out of tact
To absolutely drive you wild, wild..
She’s all out to get us

Violet and Klaus:
She’s a Killer Queen
Always on the scene
A fashion crazed queen of mean
Guaranteed to blow your mind
Anytime

Recommended at the price
Insatiable an appetite
Wanna try?
You wanna try…

Reaching the penthouse, the Baudelaires meet their fabulously wealthy new guardians, Jerome and Esme Squalor. Jerome is a rather decent man, but he doesn’t have what we call balls. Since he’s a walking doormat because he thinks any confrontation is a waste of time despite being rich and successful enough to afford a penthouse. Since according to Lemony Snicket’s Unauthorized Autobiography, he bought the place at Jacques Snicket’s suggestion. Then there’s his wife, Esme, who’s a fashion-obsessed maven as well as the city’s 6th most important financial advisor. Very materialistic and vain, she treats her life like a fashion show, wearing stuff and doing things that are “in” with no regard to practicality. She even said she took the Baudelaires in her home because orphans were “in” while her husband just wanted to take care of them as soon as he heard of their troubles but Esme refused since they were “out” at the time. Nonetheless, she’s very selfish and inconsiderate toward everyone.

The song I chose for her introduction is Cole Porter’s “Begin the Beguine,” which he composed during a cruise trip in the Pacific. Now a beguine could mean 3 things. Its original meaning was a Christian lay woman living in the 13th and 14th century who lived in a religious community without taking formal vows. In the Caribbean creole, it meant “white woman.” The word was then applied to a slow couple’s dance that’s a combination of French ballroom and Latin folk which became popular in the 1940s thanks to the Cole Porter song. The original lyrics are just a plain romantic ballad. This version just illustrates how fashion obsessed and self-absorbed Esme is.

“You Need to Be In”

Sung by Esme Squalor

When you need to be in
You’ll always be with all the latest fashions
Wear these pinstripes, you’ll look smashing
You’ll be all the rage on the scene.

How about you try these water martinis,
They’re non-alcoholic to retain PG ratings
But that’s what you drink while rich and famous
When you need to be in.

Though I am rich, just call me Esme,
Since orphans are in, I’m happy you’re here
For you’ll make my friends sick with envy
So if they see you, they might just leer

Please bring out the dark, and bring in the light,
Being in fashion’s work so I’ll learn your names later,
So rest from climbing the stairs since we can’t use the elevator,
Since elevators are now on the outs.

So I’ll make sure we all can stay in
Wear pinstripe suits for a night at Café Salmonella
Enjoy this ocean décor which I bought on special
When you need to be in.

Oh, yes, it’s always great to be in, know the trends
As the city’s sixth most important financial advisor
Make yourself at our penthouse home
You will be fine here
So pick out your rooms you’ll want to sleep in,
When you need to be in.

In The Ersatz Elevator, Mr. Poe dumps the Baudelaires at the large city apartment building 667 Dark Avenue which is said to block out the sunlight. Mostly because they’re sent to live at a luxurious penthouse belonging to Jerome and Esme Squalor. Mr. Poe doesn’t accompany the children inside because he’s Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs, a position he totally gained through his hard work and dedication (according to his superiors anyway, but I highly doubt this). This means he’ll be looking for Duncan and Isadora Quagmire, which means they’re screwed. For if he or the police had brains in this series, they’d keep watch on the Baudelaires 24/7 and expect Count Olaf to be about as recognizable in his latest disguise as Tom Cruise was in Tropic Thunder (though I’m setting a high bar). Anyway, once inside, a strange doorman tells the Baudelaires that they’ll have to climb between 45-84 flights of stairs since the elevator is out. Not out of order but out of fashion, which I don’t get. Because obviously, if I want to go up 50 floors, I’d definitely use the elevator whether it’s in style or not. Since it’s 50 freaking floors. At any rate, the Baudelaires will have to spend hours climbing the stairs by themselves. Add to the fact that the spiral staircase is dark and only lit by candles. Seems like Count Olaf’s S.O.R.E. training will come in handy.

I chose Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” for this sequence due to the stairway presence in the song. Written by member Robert Plant, it’s considered one of the greatest rock songs of all time. The original version according to him, as Jimmy Page recalls, “was some cynical aside about a woman getting everything she wanted all the time without giving back any thought or consideration.” Gee, I wonder who that reminds me of? In this version, the Baudelaires go up the dark stairwell reflecting on their old lives and wondering what their new guardians will be like.

“Stairway to Penthouse”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
This place is so dark so Poe knew not where to park
While we’re climbing the stairway to penthouse.
Streetlamps and candlelight, don’t make things all much bright
As we go up to meet our new guardians.
Ooh, ooh, while we’re climbing the stairway to penthouse.

Klaus:
Well, we can’t take a lift since they say it’s not in
Though I don’t have much concern for the fashions.
Not sure how many floors or how long it’s been,
Cause the staircase seems like never ending.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

Violet:
There’s a feeling I get when I think of our friends,
And where Count Olaf has them.
Mr. Poe tries to assure that we need not be concerned
That he’s been put in charge to go find them.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

Klaus:
He’s head of Orphan Affairs, not sure he even cares
But it gives me no hope for the Quagmires
He’ll be out for three weeks, but will come up empty
Since he probably won’t find the Quagmires.

Violet:
What are the Squalors like we don’t know, are they quite decent,
To live there will sure make us wealthy.
They must have no fear of great heights, unless they’re shut-ins
Since climbing all these stairs takes forever
And it makes me wonder.

Klaus:
Recall when Mom and Dad were so spent, they were exhausted
They cooked on the kitchen floor.
They didn’t use the stove, Aunt Josephine would’ve loved it
But we know what befell her before.

Both:
As we climb up through the stairs
We hear the voices through the walls.
Hope Count Olaf won’t find us here
Though he seems to tail us everywhere
He could be just right down the hall.
Our school friends can’t be far
If Count Olaf soon draws near.
Will our new home be safe from him
Or will he cause danger from within?

And we’re climbing the stairway to penthouse.

When it comes to guardians, the Baudelaires don’t have much luck since Count Olaf usually finds a way to mess their new lives up with each arrangement Mr. Poe puts them in. Though you have to wonder about the banker’s screening methods, but since he sent the kids to live with Count Olaf and a guy who made him work in a lumber mill, it’s safe to say he doesn’t have any. The Baudelaires go along with it since they don’t have much choice in the matter. And as the series progresses, the kids have become magnets for Count Olaf that Mr. Poe’s search for guardians becomes more difficult to find someone to take them in. Though really, much of what happens in ASOUE could’ve been avoided, if the adults actually listened to the children.

The song I used here is the “Matchmaker” song from Fiddler on the Roof. But I waited until the Ersatz Elevator to include it since the Baudelaires already know what happens when placed under new guardians by this point. The original version has Tevye’s older daughters fantasize about the kind of man the yentl would choose for them as a husband. Because Russian Jews had arrange marriages in the early 20th century. Yet, the oldest Tzeitel basically ruins it for them and gets her younger sisters to snap back to reality. In this version, I have Violet, Klaus, and Sunny imagine their next guardians.

“Mr. Poe”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Well, somebody has to find us guardians,
We can’t legally decide these things themselves.

Klaus:
He might find someone discerning—-

Sunny:
(Translated babble) Someone responsible—-

Klaus:
And with balls—-

Violet:
And not Count Olaf—

Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe
Find us a place,
Somewhere to live,
Till I’m of age
Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe
Look through your book,
And find us a stable home!

Klaus:
Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe,
We’ll all be good,
We won’t make a fuss,
Unless we should.
But Olaf’s chasing us with his crimes,
Giving us a real bad time!

Violet:
For Klaus,
Hope there’s a library.

Klaus:
For Violet,
She’s just got to have tools.

Violet and Klaus:
For me, well,
I wouldn’t holler
If Count Olaf is jailed or out of town.

Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe
Find us a place,
Somewhere to live,
The next four years,
We need a place to reside without fear
So find us a home,
Of our own.

Violet:
Since who’ll take us in now, Klaus? I thought you just had your eye on your books.

Klaus:
And you have your eye on the latest gadgets.

Violet:
Well, why not?
I’m an inventor and have an interest in technology.
Why shouldn’t I want any myself?

Klaus:
We won’t inherit till you’re eighteen.
So we’ll settle with whoever Mr. Poe takes us to, right?
Of course right

Violet, oh Violet,
Have I found a home for you!
She’s kindly, she’s smart!
Alright, she’s kind of dumb.
But she’s a nice dame, a fine dame, true?
True.
I promise you’ll be happy,
And even if you’re not,
There’s more to life than that—
Don’t ask me what.

Sunny, I found him.
Won’t you have a lucky time!
He’s handsome, he’s tall,
That is from side to side.
But he’s a nice man, a good man, right?
Right.
You heard he has a temper.
He’ll beat you every night,
But only when he’s sober,
So you’re all right.
So you think he’s Count Olaf?
You must be full of crap.
With no eyebrow, no tattoo, a stupid accent,
He can’t be all that bad!

Violet:
Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe,
You know that I’m
Still very young.
Please, take your time.

Klaus:
Best you do screenings,
Before you decide
So we don’t have to run or hide.

Violet and Klaus:
Oh, dear sir,
See to our safety
Remember,
Olaf will wear a disguise
It’s not that
We’re over suspicious
It’s just that we’re terrified!
Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe,
Plan me no plans
I’m in no rush
With your track record
You should listen to us
Since we’ve been burned
So,
Take all your time
Might want to check,
Don’t just dump us,
At whoever’s place,
Just please do your freaking job!