A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Sobbin’ Quagmires”


Thanks to the Quagmires, the Baudelaires get time to study, make a staple machine, and get a goodnight’s sleep for their tests the next morning. The next morning they’re tested by their teachers and Vice Principal Nero. Violet and Klaus manage to pass their tests while Sunny gets a great performance rating for making staples (arranging cards in the TV show). Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass even praise the elder Baudelaire kids for being good students and compliment their baby sister on her administrative work. But Coach Genghis shows up with Klaus’s glasses and Violet’s ribbon as well as his shoes covered with flour. He accuses the children for cheating by having Duncan and Isadora impersonate them for S.O.R.E. training. Vice Principal Nero agrees and uses the incident to gleefully expel them while Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass just shrug like they don’t know what else to do. But the Baudelaires are more interested in knowing where the Quagmires are, knowing that something terrible happened to them. Coach Genghis tells them they were whisked away to the kitchen as punishment. After Mr. Poe shows up with bags of candy and gets into an argument with Nero, the kids beg the gym teacher to take his shoes and turban off but he refuses. Yet, he did tell them he had a couple of prisoners with a small fortune, too. But he’s still going after them. Still, once the White-Faced Women show with the Quagmires tied up in the getaway car, the Baudelaires make a run for it. Violet and Sunny grab a hold of Count Olaf first with the former grabbing his turban and the latter undoing his shoe laces, which exposes him. Klaus gets to car where he and the Quagmires struggle with the White-Faced Women which proves futile. But not before Duncan tells him about what they found during their research, blurting “V.F.D.” Nonetheless, when Olaf gets to the car, he shoves Klaus, steals the notebooks, and hops in to drive off.


The song marking this occasion I selected is “Sobbin’ Women” from Seven Brides for Seven Brothers since it revolves around kidnapping like the original. Though in the original, it has the oldest brother singing about Romans abducting the Sabine women as wives, which is giving his younger brothers ideas on how to score with their girls. By the way, guys, if you want to get the girl, kidnapping her away from her friends and family isn’t the answer. Seriously, just ask her out if you’re interested even if you live in the Old West. Because chances are you’re not a super hot brawny man with a great singing voice and dancing chops or a house in the Rockies. Just want to get that out of the way. Anyway, in this version, I have Count Olaf singing about abducting the Quagmires and getting away after the Baudelaires expose him.


“Sobbin’ Quagmires”

Count Olaf:
So you passed your examinations
While baby got staples made.
Your teachers showering you praises
While Nero’s expelled you in a rage.
Well, I think these things are yours
I’ve found them right on the course
But none of you showed up for S.O.R.E.
The Quagmires came instead.
Oh yes!
The twins were both sobbin’, sobbin’, sobbin’
Fit to be tied.
Ev’ry muscle was throbbin’, throbbin’
As they’re being shanghaied.
Oh they cried and begged and begged and cried
As the lunch ladies got em’ tied.
So don’t forget that putting the wool on my eyes.
Sobbin’ fit to be tied
As they’re being shanghaied!
I’ve left the twins out in the kitchen
Seems a fit punishment
Whisked away for their infraction
So as not to cheat or abet.
And you’ve never seen so,
They tell me, such as heinous duplicity
While both begged me while on their knees
Not to get them sent.

Oh yes!
As the twins were both sobbin’, sobbin’, pissin’ their pants.

Count Olaf:
While we’ll soon be going out robbin,’ robbin’
Robbin’ their banks
These young Quagmires got a sizeable fortune in
Sapphires but don’t forget I’ll still be a thorn in your shanks

Hook-Handed Man:
Pissin’ all over their pants

Count Olaf:
A fortune
While we all rob their banks.

“Hey listen to this”
Since you had us spend nine nights running
You didn’t bet you’d be outrun
Your laces gotten hold by Sunny
Now your gym shoes now are undone.

I got your turban’s now unwrapped
To show that you’re full of crap
Your exposed monobrow now unmasked
So your scheming here is all done

Oh No!
The twins are still sobinn,’ sobbin’
Sobbin’ buckets of tears
On account of our plottin’
Plottin’ pissing the Baudelaires
Oh, you may thwart my latest scheme

But there’s a thing about V.F.D.

Count Olaf:
But I’ll drive my car out while at ninety speed.

Oh, oh, oh, oh them poor little dears.

Oh yes
While the twins are sobbin’, sobbin’, sobbin’

Count Olaf:
Oh yeah

Weepin’ a ton

Count Olaf:
Them sobbin’ Quagmires

While their friends are joggin,’ joggin,’ joggin’

Count Olaf:
Oh yeah

Toward us on the run.

Count Olaf:
Them sobbin’ Quagmires.

I’ll just shove bookworm from my sight
And take their notebooks just for spite

Then we’ll make for our clean speedy leave

Oh yes!
Cause adults don’t call for the authorities!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s