A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Nero’s Waltz”


After nine nights of running, Carmelita Spats gives them two messages. The first is from Coach Genghis wants them to report to the track in the evening. The second is from Vice Principal Nero who wants to see him in his office. The idiotic school administrator is upset that they’re missing his concerts and now owe him 29 bags of candy as well as falling behind in school and work. He also wants them to give Carmelita Spats 10 pairs of earrings as a tip. But more importantly, Nero threatens the Baudelaires with expulsion if they don’t pass their exams assigned to them personally the next day. Or else, they’ll go into Coach Genghis’s care who intends to homeschool them. Though we know the gym teacher is Count Olaf who wants to kill them and make off with their money. Unable to pretend any longer, Violet basically says, “Genghis Olaf.” But Nero won’t hear any of it. Luckily the Quagmires have a plan to get the Baudelaires out of this impossible situation.


The song I used for this moment is the “Thenardier Waltz” from Les Miserables. In the original version, the Thenardiers pretend they care for Cosette in order to get money from Jean Valjean. But in reality, they see her as nothing and make her do chores. Jean Valjean, however, sees through their schemes and takes the little girl off their hands. In this version, I have Nero tormenting the Baudelaires in his office.


“Nero’s Waltz”

Vice Principal Nero:
What to do? What to say?
Seems like your grades are slipping away.
And Sunny, can’t keep up
With all her secretarial stuff
Concerts missed 29 bags
Also a tip of ten pairs of earrings to Spats

We’ve been up, running laps
We haven’t got around to taking naps

Run all night, every night
Not exactly been studying right
Blame Coach Genghis, Sir!

Can you give us a night off, sir?
Keep an eye on Coach Genghis
We are tired.
Call Coach Genghis about what’s going on
Cause something is clearly wrong

Vice Principal Nero:
Fail your tests, the next day
I’ll have to expel you away
Coach Genghis, has agreed
Take you in and teach you three

What the hell? What the fuck?
Don’t you put us in with Genghis Olaf!

Vice Principal Nero:
Are you mad? Must you shout
That Coach Genghis is Count Olaf
If he was, we would know
Since our computer system would show

That does not, prove a squat.
Your security system is mere crock.

Vice Principal Nero:
Why don’t you just get out
Before I’ll soon have to shout

Least we know Olaf’s plan
Now let’s try thwart what we can

If we fail, he’ll take us
So he can kill us for our trust
How do we pass our tests?

We can run laps in your stead

Use our books, we can lend
While we run you can study then.


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