When it comes to guardians, the Baudelaires don’t have much luck since Count Olaf usually finds a way to mess their new lives up with each arrangement Mr. Poe puts them in. Though you have to wonder about the banker’s screening methods, but since he sent the kids to live with Count Olaf and a guy who made him work in a lumber mill, it’s safe to say he doesn’t have any. The Baudelaires go along with it since they don’t have much choice in the matter. And as the series progresses, the kids have become magnets for Count Olaf that Mr. Poe’s search for guardians becomes more difficult to find someone to take them in. Though really, much of what happens in ASOUE could’ve been avoided, if the adults actually listened to the children.

The song I used here is the “Matchmaker” song from Fiddler on the Roof. But I waited until the Ersatz Elevator to include it since the Baudelaires already know what happens when placed under new guardians by this point. The original version has Tevye’s older daughters fantasize about the kind of man the yentl would choose for them as a husband. Because Russian Jews had arrange marriages in the early 20th century. Yet, the oldest Tzeitel basically ruins it for them and gets her younger sisters to snap back to reality. In this version, I have Violet, Klaus, and Sunny imagine their next guardians.

 

“Mr. Poe”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Well, somebody has to find us guardians,
We can’t legally decide these things themselves.

Klaus:
He might find someone discerning—-

Sunny:
(Translated babble) Someone responsible—-

Klaus:
And with balls—-

Violet:
And not Count Olaf—

Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe
Find us a place,
Somewhere to live,
Till I’m of age
Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe
Look through your book,
And find us a stable home!

Klaus:
Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe,
We’ll all be good,
We won’t make a fuss,
Unless we should.
But Olaf’s chasing us with his crimes,
Giving us a real bad time!

Violet:
For Klaus,
Hope there’s a library.

Klaus:
For Violet,
She’s just got to have tools.

Violet and Klaus:
For me, well,
I wouldn’t holler
If Count Olaf is jailed or out of town.

Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe
Find us a place,
Somewhere to live,
The next four years,
We need a place to reside without fear
So find us a home,
Of our own.

Violet:
Since who’ll take us in now, Klaus? I thought you just had your eye on your books.

Klaus:
And you have your eye on the latest gadgets.

Violet:
Well, why not?
I’m an inventor and have an interest in technology.
Why shouldn’t I want any myself?

Klaus:
We won’t inherit till you’re eighteen.
So we’ll settle with whoever Mr. Poe takes us to, right?
Of course right

Violet, oh Violet,
Have I found a home for you!
She’s kindly, she’s smart!
Alright, she’s kind of dumb.
But she’s a nice dame, a fine dame, true?
True.
I promise you’ll be happy,
And even if you’re not,
There’s more to life than that—
Don’t ask me what.

Sunny, I found him.
Won’t you have a lucky time!
He’s handsome, he’s tall,
That is from side to side.
But he’s a nice man, a good man, right?
Right.
You heard he has a temper.
He’ll beat you every night,
But only when he’s sober,
So you’re all right.
So you think he’s Count Olaf?
You must be full of crap.
With no eyebrow, no tattoo, a stupid accent,
He can’t be all that bad!

Violet:
Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe,
You know that I’m
Still very young.
Please, take your time.

Klaus:
Best you do screenings,
Before you decide
So we don’t have to run or hide.

Violet and Klaus:
Oh, dear sir,
See to our safety
Remember,
Olaf will wear a disguise
It’s not that
We’re over suspicious
It’s just that we’re terrified!
Mr. Poe, Mr. Poe,
Plan me no plans
I’m in no rush
With your track record
You should listen to us
Since we’ve been burned
So,
Take all your time
Might want to check,
Don’t just dump us,
At whoever’s place,
Just please do your freaking job!