A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Veblen Hall (Lovely Items)”


The Baudelaires get to the “In” Auction at Veblen Hall to stop Count Olaf’s nefarious plan. Everywhere they look, they see so many useless “in” items along a huge crowd of people. They even run into Jerome Squalor and Mr. Poe who’s there to buy ocean decorations for his wife. The children try to convince Jerome to do them a favor to buy the V.F.D. box on Lot #50. Just as soon as doorman receives the large red herring statue, he alerts Count Olaf to skip Lot #49 to the box. A bidding war begins which leads to Jerome and Mr. Poe to eventually back down. Yet, Sunny bids $1000 and the Baudelaires win the lot. The children rush to the box hoping to rescue their friends. However, once they tear it open,  spilling Very Fancy Doilies fly everywhere. The Baudelaires are dismayed since they find a red herring, which brings a lot of dismay on Klaus. While the Quagmires are in that large red herring statue and are being loaded on a truck for a trip out of town.


The song I picked for this is “The Docks (Lovely Ladies) from Les Miserables which is actually a more depressing song depicting Fantine’s descent into prostitution. But not after getting her hair cut and teeth pulled out for cash to help Cosette whom she perceives ill. But in reality, the Thenariders are just using Cosette to sponge off her. In this version, I have the Baudelaires arrive at the “In” Auction and the bid on the Lot #50 box.


“Veblen Hall (Lovely Items)”

Parsley soda,
Pinstripes everywhere
So many useless items
At Veblen Hall are here

First Buyer:
Dirty children
What they’re doing here?
All covered in ashes
Can someone get them out there?

Sorry, but I thought they were all ill!

Lovely items
Innest stuff in town
Waiting for the customers
To buy them off the shelf
Lovely items
Ready for a bid
Check out that piano
That’ll cost a bit
Some stuff’s not even worth shit

Hello, Jerome,
Can you do us a small favor here?
We want a box
Inscribed V.F.D. please, sir
Bid on the lot

Mr. Poe:
Oh, hi, kids
No luck with your friends
We think they’ll at
Some kind of glue factory,
Just think of that!

Why are you here?

Mr. Poe:
It’s for my wife

Count Olaf (as Gunther):
A big red fish.
Who wants to bid?
Who wants to start at twenty-six!

Lovely buyers,
Bidding on a fish
Price is getting higher
While they’re trying to outbid

Count Olaf:
Eighty, ninety
One hundred, I see
Do I hear one-twenty, or one-fifty, please!

Gunther’s Olaf, Mr. Poe, hear me!

Mr. Poe:
Don’t you bother me
I’m engaged in a bidding war
Besides, you kids
Shouldn’t hate foreigners

Five hundred bucks?
That statue isn’t worth that.

Count Olaf:
Sold to the doorman!

Hook-Handed Man (as Doorman):
Oh, thank you sir, here’s all the cash.
I’ll leave at that.

Mr. Poe:
How much does that guy earn?

We’ve got bigger matters, sir.

Hook-Handed Man:
Oh, by the way, the three children are here.

Count Olaf:
Indeed, I see
Let’s skip to Lot #50.
Let’s start the bid.
For this large V.F.D. box

Take twenty-five

Mr. Poe:
I’ll bid on it at thirty-five

Forty! Fifty! Sixty-five! Seventy-five!
Eighty! Ninety!

Come on, Jerome, raise a hundred more

Mr. Poe, you have cash to bid some more

Crowd (including Mr. Poe and Jerome):
One-fifty! Two-fifty! Three-hundred-sixty-five!

Mr. Poe:


Mr. Poe:
Sorry, children, but I don’t have the cash on me

Seven-hundred, kind of really steep


Count Olaf:
Sold out to the little lady in the back
Come on up and get your
New box while you’re apt

Listen, children, give us the money now

Why don’t you stop keeping kids
In a cage or box, Count Olaf?

Let’s now get the Quagmires out!

Doilies, Doilies!

Red herring I fell

That was Lot #48

I meant that metaphorical

Mr. Poe:
Children, children, what’s gotten into you
All of you are dirty
Buying things you cannot use
Thinking Gunther’s
Olaf in disguise
No you’ve made a great big mess
Of doilies on the floor
Watch out someone’s bound to
Slip on one and fall!

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