After the doily incident, Esme dumps the Baudelaires which upsets her husband. Though Gunther offers to take the kids into his hands, which they really don’t want. Gunther is exposed as Count Olaf by slipping and falling on a doily which makes his boot fall off. Esme then dumps Jerome and runs off with Count Olaf, in an act that doesn’t surprise anyone. By the way, the doorman is revealed as the Hook-Handed man in case you forget. Yet, Count Olaf does threaten the Baudelaires that he’s still out to get them while Esme indicates that the Quagmires are in the red herring. All the while, people are slipping on doilies and each other while chasing the two, the Baudelaires are crying, and Mr. Poe intends to call the police, which doesn’t help anyone. At any rate, Olaf and Esme get away with the Quagmires.

For this part, I decided to go with “Goodnight and Thank You” from Evita, since I think this is perfect Squalor breakup song. Sure Esme dumps Jerome rather quickly. But since it’s a musical, you need a perfect send off. The original version basically involves Eva using the casting couch to get what she wants and dumping multiple men once they serve her purpose. Though the real Eva Peron probably did use the casting couch at some points to become a famous radio actress, she was far from an outlier. Then again, you could say she had been pressured into that for some parts. In this version, I have Count Olaf and Esme give Jerome the boot.

 

“Goodnight and Thank You” (ASOUE Version)

Count Olaf:
Goodnight and thank you, Jerome Squalor
You’ve completed your task
What more could we ask of you now?
Please sign the book on your way out the door
That will be all
If we need you, we’ll call
But I don’t think that’s likely somehow

Esme:
Oh, but it’s sad that when a love affair dies
The parting, the closing of doors
But we must be honest, stop fooling ourselves

Lemony Snicket:
Which means “Up yours!”

Count Olaf & Jerome:
There is no one, no one at all
Never has been and never will be a lover
Male or female
Who hasn’t an eye on
In fact they rely on
Tricks they can try on their partner

They’re hoping their lover will help them or keep them
Support them, promote them
Don’t blame them
You’re the same

Count Olaf:
Goodnight and thank you, Jerome Squalor
She’s in every magazine
Been photographed, seen, she is known
We don’t like to rush but your case has been packed
If we’ve missed anything, you could give us a ring
But we don’t always answer the phone

Esme:
Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies
But when we were hot, we were hot
I know you’ll look back on the good times we shared

Lemony Snicket:
But Esme will not!

Count Olaf, Esme, and Jerome:
There is no one, no one at all
Never has been and never will be a lover
Male or female
Who hasn’t an eye on
In fact they rely on
Tricks they can try on their partner

They’re hoping their lover will help them or keep them
Support them, promote them
Don’t blame them
You’re the same

Count Olaf:
Goodnight and thank you, Jerome Squalor
We are grateful you’ve got
Guardianship of the Baudelaires
We’ll think of you once we steal their fortune
We’d love you to stay
But you’d be in the way
So do up your trousers and go

Esme:
Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies
The decline into silence and doubt
Our passion was just too intense to survive

Count Olaf:
For God’s sake, get out!

Jerome:
Oh, but this line’s an embarrassing sight
Someone has made me a fool
V.F.D. men call the sexual shots
Someone has altered the rules

Lemony Snicket:
Stealing kids’ fortunes is as far it goes
It’s all very well, but every girl knows
She needs a man she can monopolize
With fingers in dozens of different pies

Jerome:
Oh, but it’s sad when a love affair dies