Next Friday will be my 27th birthday so I decide to commemorate the occasion with an assortment of weird looking cakes you’d find at the store, courtesy of Cake Wrecks. Sure I’ve done such post twice before during this time of year. Yet, there’s not a lot I can do for January though I can at least rejoice the fact that I can celebrate it while Obama is still president. Since the day that will infamy will only occur the Friday after of which I plan to dedicate the occasion by not watching my country being desecrated on national television. Anyway, bakeries and stores make a ton of money on birthday cakes since people have them all year round. And we usually expect that when we get a cake, it’d be decorated to our specifications. However, given that a site like Cake Wrecks exists, this isn’t always the case. Thus, it’s possible that people may celebrate birthdays featuring a cake that might not be up to snuff to what you ordered. But sometimes you have to make the best of the situation. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of professional birthday cakes gone wrong. These are provided by the courtesy of Cake Wrecks and many may not be safe for work.
- Man, what the hell’s going on with Cinderella?
“So you tell me you’d help me get to the ball? Then why the hell weren’t you there for me when my dad died, you fairy god bitch? You should’ve enchanted child services, for God’s sake.” I’m just improvising here.
2. Just a plain happy birthday with no frilly crap will do.
Well, it seems like the recipient got their wish. Though some decorator doesn’t seem to follow directions.
3. Guess Ann wanted a Vincent Van Gogh birthday party theme.
But a cake of a severed ear? I think one of Van Gogh’s paintings would’ve been more appropriate.
4. Though decorators can be great at taking directions, they don’t necessarily follow them.
This person requested some words in yellow and some in green. But not in the colors they are.
5. That moment when you can’t decide to go with a forest or circus theme.
I don’t know about you. But I’d stick with the forest theme. Because let’s face it, clowns are creepy.
6. Seems like Tinkerbell isn’t too pleased at the moment.
Doesn’t help that her hips are unusually thick in her proportion to her body. Maybe her crankiness makes perfect sense.
7. Why, Yoda, that’s a rather large uh, lightsaber you have there.
All too happy, Yoda seems. Suspect compensating for something, Yoda may. Want to know, I may not.
8. Apparently, turning 4o might make you think you’re being dragged to your grave.
Sorry, but while 40 may mean you’re middle aged, it doesn’t mean you’re being dragged to your grave. Still, this is disturbing.
9. A Disney Princess cake is truly a little girl’s dream.
Though how these women are drawn is utterly atrocious. Seriously, Cinderella, Ariel, and Snow White don’t look like that.
10. A Big Bird cake can always delight a small child. Hope nothing goes wrong with that.
Now this looks very freaky. Here we have Big Bird’s feet and wings along with a head that denotes he might’ve been on drugs before being dismembered.
11. Hope this kid enjoys his 6th birthday.
Just don’t mind that whoever decorated this cake can’t count. Because there are 8 candles which is more than there should be.
12. If you’re 40, get used to Viagra and adult diapers.
No, 40 isn’t old for the love of God. Seriously, since when did 40 get associated with aging?
13. I’m afraid Megan wanted a different kind of beach cake for her 14th birthday.
It’s well stated that she wanted a blue anchor not flip flops. The decorator only wrote it down.
14. Not sure if this cake gives you a hot heart of burning love.
For some reason Elvis looks like an angry vampire. Or like Wolverine. Not sure which.
15. Every little girl should have a cake of Darth Vader riding My Little Pony.
After all, who wouldn’t want to rule the galaxy with an iron fist while riding on a pink horse over the rainbow? Still, this is hilarious.
16. Man, Karen must be really old.
As a history major, I don’t think Karen was a popular name in the 1600s. Then again, this is probably a fluke and Karen is actually 40. Kind of disappointing because I would’ve loved to ask her to recollect her experience of being at Plymouth Rock.
17. I don’t think the 5oth was supposed to go in the sky. But the flag might’ve been too small.
Yeah, someone didn’t follow directions despite writing them on the cake. But by then it was too late.
18. Some child must really love Jurassic Park.
Okay, that T-Rex is giving me nightmares at the moment. Seriously, this is for a child? God, the cake looks like it’s to eat somebody.
19. Just happy birthday, is that supposed to be Anus?
Sometimes you can’t always tell what’s being said in cursive. But the last part sounds disgusting to me and is surely a typo.
20. A birthday cake with stars and balloons is always safe. Nothing can go wrong with that.
And remember, kids, only one of these sperm will fertilize the egg which results in conception. So that’s how sex results in reproduction.
21. Elmo is always perfect for a child’s first birthday.
Unfortunately, Elmo has come out of his slumber to haunt the world with his noxious desire for tickles and evil laughter. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
22. Uh, I don’t think it’s supposed to be Vivian’s butt day.
Wonder why nobody got to the bottom of this silent but deadly misspelling. Guess the decorator was being a real asshole.
23. Nothing makes a great cake for a boy like a forest scene.
Jesus Christ, a forest fire cake? Of course, the buck is only waiting for the sweet release of certain death that’ll await him as he’s consumed by the raging flames.
24. If you’re a basketball fan, just remember that though a court cake might be cheap and simple, it’s usually not a good idea.
Not sure which part of the court the ball’s in at the moment. But both sides seem to be quite firmly erect about it. Then again, this is a very inappropriate cake for a 10-year-old boy.
25. I’m sure whoever receives this Red Sox cake will be greatly disappointed.
I know that’s supposed to be the Red Sox logo. But it’s in disgusting snot green. Must’ve been done by a Yankees fan.
26. There always has to be a resident smartass and bakeries are no exception.
Well, at least whoever decorated it is honest. Still, this would be a perfect cake for Sheldon Cooper.
27. I’m afraid Helen isn’t going to be happy about this.
Yeah, including Hell won’t give you brownie points. The decorator must have something against the third or is not sure how to spell.
28. Happy Birthday but that doesn’t mean you’re special.
Yes, we already know we’re not special. But one’s birthday isn’t a time to be reminded of that.
29. Of course, any young girl would love a Little Mermaid cake.
I don’t know about you. But Ariel’s face really doesn’t look right here. Not sure why though it’s freaking me out.
30. Why so serious? Dominic is 4.
Okay, I’m not against having a Batman cake for a young boy. However, I don’t think a Dark Knight Joker cake for a 4 year old is appropriate. I mean the movie is rated R.
31. Happy 40th Birthday Jess, I mean Jeff.
I put a cake on my birthday post last year with the same mistake. But it was the other way around. Still, since I have 2 uncle Jeffs, I could see this happen.
32. A Minnie cake is always a safe bet for a girl’s first birthday.
Minnie, are you okay? You don’t look like yourself. Are you and Mickey having problems?
33. Here’s all to the November birthdays from the ER.
Yeah, we all know what ER stands for. Nobody needs to explain it.
34. Maybe having a 2nd quinciera at 30 was a bad idea.
Apparently, someone didn’t know how to spell the word. So they just wrote how it sounded to them.
35. Okay, this birthday message is a bit morbid.
I think it’s supposed to be Beth and Libby. But you can see where they went wrong with that.
36. For a baby’s party, a monkey cake is always delightful.
However, this monkey cake is downright freaky and nightmarish. Not something you’d want for a kid’s birthday.
37.A rainbow cake is always great for a young girl’s birthday. Hope nothing’s wrong with that.
Excuse me, but those blots of clown icing look like turds to me. It’s like no matter where you go in the rainbow, you’ll always find shit at both ends. Kind of a depressing message to say the least.
38. When you have to order a cake for a person you don’t care fore.
Well, at least they’re being honest. It’s kind of hard to put it more politely sometimes. Hope it’s not for their boss.
39. Perhaps you can make 40 look bigger for more emphasis.
Not sure if Kim’s going to like that. Still, it would’ve been acceptable if it weren’t for the unfortunate addition.
40. I’m afraid that someone put the writing when the cake was upside down.
Sure it would’ve looked great if it weren’t for the peace signs being upside down. Not sure what that stands for exactly.
41. Please don’t cry, Tilly, it’s just a strange looking flower.
Though it does kind of resemble a flattened turtle with its insides oozing out in all directions. Yes, it’s gross.
42. Uh, I think that’s what they wanted the cake to look like. Not the picture to put on it.
Someone doesn’t seem to follow directions, do they? Still, some kid will be disappointed on his big day.
43. There’s nothing more appropriate for an 11-year-old girl’s birthday than a broken shoe?
Then again, these cakes must be hard to make. But I’m positive it looks broken and very tacky.
44. Now that’s an interesting gorilla cake for a 3-year-old.
I don’t know about you, but from how the fruit’s being held, I don’t think this is an appropriate cake for children. I mean it seems to suggest something highly suggestive.
45. We wish you a happy birthday as we present you a cake allowing you to contemplate the inevitability of your own mortality.
Yes, we all die in the end. But that doesn’t mean you should have a dug out grave and casket on a birthday cake. Seriously, why?
46. Nothing makes a Star Wars birthday worthwhile than a cake of Chewie’s head.
This is kind of demented if you think about it. Also, that doesn’t really look like Chewbacca. More like some brown shaggy dog with depression.
47. Nothing says you’re shit like a poop cake for your birthday.
Even more disgusting that it has flies in it. Yes, someone must have a very sick sense of humor.
48. When featuring a photo on a cake, make sure it’s flattering.
I’m not sure what the hell they were thinking when it came to depicting the birthday boy in a speedo. That’s just embarrassing and insane.
49. As we all know, 60 is a time when women have to put their big girl panties on.
And by that, we mean Depends. You know the adult diapers for people with bladder control problems.
50. When it comes to age, some decorators don’t understand what numerical terms translate into.
This cake has a 1/4 of a century which means it should be for a 25-year-old. But the candles say 75.
51. For some reason, I’m not sure if this cake could even pass health codes before consumption.
So what are those black things on the cake? Fleas? Droppings? Please let them be sprinkles for God’s sake.
52. Just a cake with balloons and crap.
How about a cake with roses instead? Because that’s just what they’re getting.
53. For some reason, this decorator doesn’t understand the laws of physics in relation to gymnastics.
Because such balance beam image seems to defy gravity. My guess is that it’s upside down.
54. Now I don’t think any parent would object to this Dora the Explorer cake.
Okay, I was wrong. Uh, either Dora has a severe weight problem or she’s 9 months pregnant. And I’m hoping she has a severe weight problem because I don’t want to think about the latter.
55. As we all know everything goes to crap after 40.
Interesting image for a depressing metaphor. Not sure if everything goes to crap after 40 as long as you take good care of yourself. Still, this is gross.
56. So I guess this is a cake you give to a psychokiller.
Look, I understand that certain shows have their fans. But this cake is utterly disturbing, especially with a dismembered Barbie. Good God.
57. Back when I was in high school, Hannah Montana was a real craze among preteen girls.
However, this cake doesn’t get Miley Cyrus’s proportions right. And the rest of her comes off very cartoonish.
58. A baseball cake is always a great for a boy’s birthday.
Though looking at this cake, some may not have the balls to know admit that the bat sports a very hard wood. Seriously, perhaps a baseball diamond might be more appropriate?
59. On second thought, Vicky’s birthday is a few months from now.
At any rate, don’t expect Vicky to react to this well. She might be very upset.
60. Happy Birthday, Tina, here’s a cake of a run over raccoon.
Now this is disgusting. Seriously, a roadkill cake? Why the fuck would anyone want that for their birthday? What the fuck?
61. A Cabbage Patch kid makes a great 1st birthday cake.
But a Cabbage Patch kid’s head on a stump? Oh, God no!
62. Happy Birthday and I give my regards.
I guess someone didn’t follow directions to the letter. Also, those babies on carrots are freaky.
63. Any woman would only dream to have a birthday cake of some weird celebrity.
Not sure who that’s supposed to be. But I strongly think it’s a joke.
64. Of course, teenagers don’t like being embarrassed by their parents.
Yeah, you don’t want to remind a kid to wear underwear on their birthday cake. That’s not the time and place for that.
65. You can always count on a butterfly cake to make things right on birthdays.
Though I’m not so sure about this one. Since it makes me feel kind of sad if you ask me.
66. So how is this supposed to be a dolphin again?
Because to me it looks like a smiling turd in the water. Disgusting.
67. I’m sure a dog cake will find a way to your heart.
For some reason, this dog doesn’t look happy. Must be the pain of having candles stuck on its back.
68. Is that supposed to be a dolphin? Because it sure as hell doesn’t look like it.
The fins don’t even look right on this for God’s sake. Seems more like a weird penguin creature from outer space.
69. A 10 year old girl always enjoys a microphone cake if she has singing aspirations.
For the love of God, please let this be a microphone. Because this really seems to resemble a toy mommy and daddy use that the kids aren’t supposed to see.
70. Since Lisa likes to shop, it’s only fair she had a cake like this.
Still, this cake doesn’t send great connotations to women as materialistic fiends. Because not every woman likes to shop (I don’t).
71. Happy Birthday, beautiful, according to your self-delusion.
Now that doesn’t sound very nice. Sure we’re self-deluded in our looks to some extent. But that doesn’t mean we should put it on a birthday cake.
72. So is this for a birthday or a bachelorette party?
Yes, I know this is inappropriate. But given the unintentionally phallic shaped birthday cakes, I thought I could include this without much outcry. Still, this isn’t a cake to have in front of the kids. Also, if you’re a woman, what does a cake like this suggest about you?
73. I’m afraid Trudi may have to cope with being disappointed.
Yeah, nobody likes to be called Turdi. They may think she’s all full of crap.
74. If your mom’s turning 50, this is probably not the cake to give her.
Basically it’s saying that now that her youth is over, prepare for the inevitability of death. Nice touching message.
75. Does that rocket have feet or is it just its thrusters?
Because those look like feet to me. And I think that doesn’t make the triangle rocket look right.
76. Happy Birthday and never forget.
Sorry, but a 9/11 cake is really offensive and dishonorable to the memories of those who died in the attacks. Not to mention, the people who still have health problems over it. For God’s sake this is wrong on so many levels. Seriously, why the hell does this cake exist? What the hell is wrong with people?
77. Go ahead, tell him how you really feel about him on his birthday.
But at least the tool theme is fitting. Though not sure if you should nail it in.
78. Of course, a woman always wants some special treatment on her birthday.
Not sure about a cake of Ken on a fur rug. I mean that’s just freaky. Sorry, but it doesn’t have the same effect in icing and plastic.
79. Seems like River is a big fan of Batman and Robin.
From Cake Wrecks: “I’m not sure if “River” is the birthday person’s name, or if – in the tradition of Wreckerators everywhere – the decorator just labeled the cake what it’s supposed to look like. If that’s the case, then s/he must have meant “cascading river of blood, cement, and mold”. But, you know, that probably wouldn’t have fit.”
80. They always say that a lightsaber cake is among the coolest.
But I sense a real disturbance in the Force with this one. But it’s said to have a real Jedi Master’s vibe so to speak. But it’s not good in the cold. Take note padawans.
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 
So bad! I laughed until I cried- literally!