Like any great franchise, the Muppets have caused such a sensation that they ‘ve earned themselves their own merchandise line. As you see above, you might find the Miss Piggy had her own line of perfume called Moi which is kind of appropriate for her. She even had her own commercial, too. Besides, she’d find it quite complimentary to have her own line of beauty products being the consummate diva she is. But we all love her, anyway. Even though she can be a handful to Kermit and well, anybody. Nevertheless, you might find that a lot of Muppet merchandise consists of toys aimed for children, particularly from Sesame Street such as Tickle Me Elmo. Yet, you’ll find plenty of products for adults, too. Mostly because the Muppets appeal to a periphery demographic, especially since they have an audience who grew up with these memorable characters and loved them enough to introduce to their kids. The fact the Muppets tend to parody a lot of adult stuff helps. Just look at Sesame Street which has parodies of Les Miserables, Dances with Wolves, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The King and I, The Hunger Games, and yes, even Boardwalk Empire. Now I can devote to this post to the great Muppet products but you’d probably wouldn’t want something so boring. So I decided to go with some of the crazier Muppet merch which includes demented looking toys, inappropriate products, and crap that might make you scratch your head.
- Sing along to your favorites with this singing Beaker.
Beaker Bot just says one thing and that’s just “Meep.” Though there was an online video of him singing Rick Astley.
2. Sign off on these Muppet checks.
Yes, there are checkbooks from other franchises, too. And it’s kind of ridiculous. But the Muppets have a ton of varieties to choose from.
3. Women who adore Beaker might want to wear this bra.
This is actually from Etsy. But still, I have no idea what it inspired someone to make this. Seriously, it’s kind of disturbing to say the least.
4. Relive the magic with this Labyrinth board game.
You know the movie where a teenage girl must travel a maze in order to rescue her baby brother after being kidnapped by David Bowie in tight pants. Yes, that’s the one. Not sure what I think about this one.
5. Keep in touch with old friends with this Kermit the Frog candlestick phone.
Because there’s nothing so charming like a remnant of obsolete technology. Seriously, you’ll probably never use this. I mean we live in the cell phone age.
6. Use the potty with Elmo with this potty seat.
Okay, I know this is for children. But yeah, toilet products like this are kind awkward in my mind. Now Elmo can watch you go potty.
7. To commemorate the release of Muppets Most Wanted, get your own Hotwheels Fozzie Bear Dairy Delivery Van.
Didn’t Fozzie once say that a bear’s natural habitat is a studebaker? So why does he have a van?
8. Now you can grow Kermit a fro with his own Chia Pet.
Sorry, seeing Kermit with a plant fro doesn’t really look right. Seriously, that’s kind of messed up. Why?
9. Take a nip with this cowboy Kermit hip flask.
Man, what a way to show a great example Kermit. Being on something people drink whiskey from and smoking a cigar. Brilliant!
10. Commemorate your favorite muppet with these collectible busts.
Yes, these are Muppet busts. I know it’s crazy but these exists. You’ll probably have to pay through the nose to collect them all.
11. Help fix Beaker with this Operation game.
Now what’s with Beaker missing a large chunk of his torso? Surely how can anyone survive that? His liver must be totally missing!
12. Capture the disco spirit of the 1970s with this Retro Kermit doll.
From Tough Pigs: “We know what Kermit looked like in the 70s, and it certainly wasn’t the love child of Don King and Barry Gibb.” Another comment: “Who’d have thought you could admire Kermit’s outtasite ‘fro AND use him to wash dishes?”
13. These Albino Elmos are a great sight to behold.
Is it just me or does an all white Elmo look very creepy? Guaranteed to haunt your dreams.
14. Have lots of fun with this Sesame Street Barkley bean bag.
Barkley is supposed to be a large shaggy dog. This bean bag toy is what Barkley looks like after getting electrocuted.
15. Make yourself look ravishing with this Muppet makeup set.
I don’t know about you. But there should really be only one Muppet with their own cosmetics line. And that’s Miss Piggy. So this is kind of over the top if you ask me.
16. Scramble your eggs in the morning with your very own Big Bird egg beater.
Because there’s no better toy to teach kids how to beat eggs than a traitor to his own kind. Seriously, this has Big Big committing what he’d see as infanticide. God, this is disturbing.
17. Always know the time with this commemorative Muppet Cuckoo Clock.
Now this decoration makes sense since the Muppet Show revolves around a theater. However, the fact it’s $200 does not.
18. There’s nothing more fun than playing Yahtzee with Kermit.
Nothing says fun like rolling dice in Kermit’s disembodied head. Christ, that’s just really messed up.
19. Carpenter Bert will always get the job done.
Sorry, but there’s no way in hell I can see Bert in the construction business. He’s a fussy, uptight neat freak with boring tastes and eccentric hobbies. I think Accountant Bert would make more sense.
20. Collect these Mexican muppets to form a mariachi band.
Except they all seem to have maracas. And nobody knows how to play guitar. Then again, these toys are from Japan.
21. Cuddle up with your very own Zoe plush.
Zoe is supposed to be a perky orange monster girl. This toy makes her seem like she’s clinically depressed.
22. This Miss Piggy doll is dressed to embody her taste in fashion.
Unfortunately, this doll seems to resemble Miss Piggy if she had a drug habit. I mean look at her snout and eyes for God’s sake. She seems totally high.
23. Nothing’s cuter on Easter than seeing Animal hatch from an egg.
From Tough Pigs: ” Disney, how many times do we have to tell you? Yosemite Sam is a Warner Brothers property.”
24. This Easter Fozzie Bear is only a mere lamb.
From Tough Pigs: “Yes, he still looks like Fozzie’s evil twin, but at least he’s an evil twin in a good mood. He might even be forgiven for the lamb costume. But that tie is not helpful. That is a very bad tie.”
25. How many times could even think of wanting a plush doll of the Count?
This doesn’t look like the Count at all. I mean he has slicked hair and a pointy nose. From Tough Pigs: “”He looks kinda like some creepy guy you keep trying to avoid at a bar… otherwise, not so bad.”
26. Cookie Monster is just here to clown around.
From Tough Pigs: “Finally! Donut-faced Cookie Monster has joined Cirque du Soleil! What the true fans are asking for!”
27. Make your nails shimmer with your favorite Muppet nail polish.
The Miss Piggy nail polish colors make sense. The other ones don’t. Seriously, why?
28. Always know the time with this Kermit clock.
Now that’s a really strange limb configuration. Doesn’t make me feel comfortable.
29. Keep your money secure with this Bert bank.
I have a lot of questions about this. First, why is Bert orange? Second why does he have that subtle look I’ve seen from villains in a slasher movie?
30. Light up with this Fraggle Rock Lighter Raver.
Not sure if this is appropriate for a family friendly franchise. Because we all know what lighters are used for. Right?
31. For a fine bathroom style, this Elmo toilet seat should suit you nicely.
Yes, this is an adult Elmo toilet seat. To be fair, they have these for multiple Muppets on Ebay. Elmo just had the biggest picture.
32. There’s nothing cuter than seeing Elmo in an animal costume.
From Tough Pigs: “Elmo had so much fun at the furry convention, he went back the next year. So, from left to right, Elmo is a bear, a cat, and… another cat?”
33. Wonder who’s going to win this epic banana boat race.
From Tough Pigs: “I would love to see an episode of Sesame Street where Elmo and Cookie Monster race around the Hawaiian islands on giant bananas. It would be very educational.”
34. Not sure if Cookie Monster and Elmo are cheerleading or getting ready for a fight.
From what their hand gestures suggest, it can go either way. I mean Elmo seems like he’s cheering. Cookie Monster seems like he’s training for a boxing match.
35. Though Cookie Monster is not always there, at least Elmo has a doll of his special friend.
Excuse me, but does anyone realize how creepy that seems? Available in blue and caramel color.
36. For Ernie, his rubber duckie is always his bath time friend.
From Tough Pigs: “Ernie’s mouth hangs open in shock as he beholds the sight of his Rubber Duckie grown to gigantic proportions! He stares out at us, as if to say, ‘How did this happen?!'” Guess I must’ve missed the episode about the nuclear meltdown.
37. Grace your Christmas tree with this ornament of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker.
Because nothing says Merry Christmas like making your lab assistant play Christmas tree. Wonder what can go wrong with that.
38. If you love the Muppets then you’ll like these key covers.
Why do we need key covers exactly? They’re not really necessary. Seriously, why?
39. Don’t worry, Fireman Grover will be to the rescue.
Unfortunately this Grover looks more likely to start fires than to stop them. Not that regular Grover is good at stopping them either.
40. If you liked The Dark Crystal, then you’ll want to wear this Skesis dress.
Seems more like a negligee that was inspired by Ron’s dress robe from Goblet of Fire. Said to cost $1500 today.
41. Keep your files stored on this Grover USB drive.
Just don’t mind that you have to pull his face apart before you plug it in. Maybe this isn’t suitable for children.
42. Pay your purchases with this Dark Crystal debit card.
From Master Card, by the way. Yes, they have these from every franchise. Not sure if it’s worth it.
43. If you like Godzilla and Sesame Street, these are the toys for you.
From Tough Pigs: “In case you’re not sure what you’re looking at, that’s supposed to be Cookie Monster, Elmo, Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, and the Count…..Most of them are obvious enough reflections of what the characters would look like if they were involved is some sort of freak accident involving radiation….”
44. Call your friends with this Kermit office phone.
Like I said before, this is an obsolete artifact from a bygone age. You will never use this. It’s just a toy these days.
45. Smell swamp fresh with Kermit’s Amphibia.
Now having a fragrance for Miss Piggy makes sense. For Kermit, not so much. Also, is he sporting abs in the picture?
46. Snuggle up with Magic Light Ernie and his rubber duckie.
From Tough Pigs: “This must be like one of those college-era Ernie photos he keeps buried really deep in his photo album, and God forbid Bert finds it and uploads it to Facebook.”
47. You can always rock on with this Animal plush doll.
I think this toy got made when there was an accident with the dye at the plant while they were making the Grover plush dolls. So they decided to pass them as Animal.
48. You can always keep your money in this Miss Piggy bank.
So this has you dropping coins through Miss Piggy’s breasts? Wonder why anyone thought this would be appropriate for children?
49. There’s nothing more adorable than a plush doll of Rosita.
Poor Rosita. I didn’t know she was left outside too long in a thunderstorm. Shouldn’t have hid under that tree.
50. As we all know a Big Bird plush is a cuddly toy.
Okay, how anyone manage to make Big Bird like he’s Sesame Street’s neighborhood psychokiller? This is a plushie that inspires nightmares not cuddles.
51. No toy is more fun than these Mayhem dolls of Animal and Fozzie Bear.
From Tough Pigs: “Me try Hare Krishna! Now world all make sense. Bah-bye!” Another: “These guys are at every college party I’ve been to, and they’re always leaving with like, 12 girls! Jackasses…”
52. A Sam the Eagle plushie is a must for any American patriot.
From Tough Pigs: “Poor Sam lost all that weight to play the part of Gandhi. Then they gave it to that hack Kingsley.”
53. Grace your Christmas tree with these Sesame Street angel ornaments.
From Tough Pigs: “Here we have our familiar threesome as angels up in heaven, watching over humanity from their post near the famous Heavenly Sprigs of Parsley. Part of me wonders if Chara Hiroba made these toys because they were running short on dye. (“Aw, heck, let’s just put wings on ’em and call them angels!”)” So does that mean Cookie Monster, Elmo, and Big Bird are?
54. All these Muppets are is just another brick in the wall.
From Tough Pigs: “And two questions come to mind: 1. What? and 2. Huuuh? Are these bricks? Could you build a house out of Cookie Monsters and Elmos and Big Birds?”
55. Looks like these Sesame Street Muppets are getting froggy.
From Tough Pigs: “This is from the time Cookie, Elmo, and Big Bird tried to crash Kermit’s family reunion, I guess. But where are Cookie’s froggy eyes? And more importantly, would they be googly too?”
56. Of course, everyone would want a plushie of Guy Smiley.
Think of him as a muppetized Adrien Brody who just got struck by lightning. Or as Tough Pigs says: “What a remarkable likeness of the time Guy Smiley stuck a fork in an electrical outlet, had his nose redone, and put on just a touch of lipstick!”
57. Who wouldn’t want to snuggle with this great Gonzo?
From Tough Pigs: “You have to wonder what kind of reference material they used over at Toy Factory, if any. Gonzo has never worn an outfit even remotely like that. Are those supposed to be snow boots? Are they platform snow boots? And if it’s snow-boots weather, then why is his collar open like that? If somebody brought that toy into your house then you’d have to move.”
58. This Gonzo sugar bowl should be a charming figurine on any mantle.
From Tough Pigs: “I’m amused at the idea that Gonzo is portraying both the Mad Hatter and the Dormouse. Oh, and the town drunk.”
59. Behold the power of the Force with these Muppet Star Wars figurines.
Wait until Kermit finds out that Miss Piggy is his sister. That’s bound to get awkward.
60. Hang this commemorative Swedish Chef ornament on your Christmas tree this year.
For nothing says Christmas like being confronted by shrimps packing heat while you’re trying to boil their loved ones to death. Of course, in the Muppets, it’s played for laughs.
61. Those who like Toccata from Fraggle Rock might enjoy this plushie.
If that was a dressed up roadkill possum, I really wouldn’t know the difference. I may not be familiar with Fraggle Rock. But I know ugly when I see it.
62. Sure Oscar might be trashy but this plushie is simply adorable.
I don’t think his eyes are on right. It just seems like they’re in different directions. Not good.
63. You can have oodles of fun with this Gonzo finger puppet.
From Tough Pigs: “If the Muppets ever do PSA’s about not sticking things in electrical outlets… this is your man.” Or getting shot from a cannon.
64. Have endless fun with heckling these Statler and Waldorf dolls.
Apparently, they have no taste in fashion. But since they’re amateur insult comics, they should enjoy these.
65. When it comes to fashion, even Miss Piggy has her moments.
Also called, “Biker Whore Miss Piggy.” From Tough Pigs: “Piggy’s sense of taste has been one of the most unfortunate casualties of the Muppets’ evolution.”
66. Enjoy hours of fun with this Mexican Miss Piggy doll.
I think this might be a knock off. Still, seems more like Miss Piggy if she woke up hungover in a tanning booth. Or her as Snookie from Jersey Shore.
67. These Big Bird and Elmo tops are worth spinning for hours.
Okay, Big Bird seems quite evil in this. Elmo seems like he’s been in a bad accident and has never been the same since.
68. It’s firefighter Big Bird to the rescue.
The kind of doll that gives you second thoughts about calling 911. From Tough Pigs: “The oddest thing about this doll is that Big Bird looks pissed. Has Big Bird EVER been pissed?”
69. Relieve stress with this Cookie Monster squeeze toy.
Seems like combination between Cookie Monster and Jabba the Hutt. That or Cookie might have a problem.
70. Decorate your Muppet mantle with these French porcelain figures.
From Tough Pigs: “The challenge — and thus the educational value — of this toy is to try and guess which Muppets they’re intended to represent.”
71. This NASCAR Bear comes Animal approved.
I don’t understand the concept behind this bear. Sure it has Animal on his shirt. But what else does it have going for?
72. Where else would you want to keep your pills than in this glamorous Miss Piggy pill box?
Sometimes the bejeweled pill box option doesn’t always work so well. Really tacky as hell.
73. Have hours of fun with the Kermit game.
From Tough Frogs: “There’s something about Kermit’s posture and expression that make me uncomfortable.” Another: “As if this weren’t disturbing enough: Does the picture show that thing VIBRATING?” Also looks like a stupid game.
74. Nobody could resist this plush Rizzo the Rat.
Kind of makes Rizzo seem like a skeevy character who’d want to cause biological warfare. But, hey, that’s just my opinion. Also, that doesn’t look like Rizzo.
75. Bendy Piggy seems quite flexible.
Unfortunately, those face lifts didn’t help her age gracefully. Nor did the tanning treatments.
76. Wouldn’t you want to cuddle with this Fozzie Teddy Bear?
From Tough Pigs: “He’s completely evil. Bendy Piggy I think I could slap to her senses, but Direct Connect Fozzie wants to dump strong acids on my tissues, process my brain into canned meat, and make me eat it on Wheatables.”
77. It’s always bubble bathtime fun with this Gonzo toy.
From Tough Pigs: “The Gonzo dolls are pretty much on an equal level of ugliness, but this one is intriguing in that it appears to represent the tragic results of Gonzo’s Chainsaw Juggling act.”
78. Those who like Harry from Sesame Street, this is the figurine for you.
From Tough Pigs: “Looks like Herry was in the Alaskan water when the Exxon Valdez went down.” Also, he seems to be quite pissed.
79. Here we have Fozzie trying his talent in ventriloquism.
Seems like Fozzie is using the dummy to amuse the audience before he sends it on a killing spree. At least according to my interpretation.
80. This plush Kermit and Piggy can always show what love means.
Don’t look now, but I think Piggy is like, “If you touch him, I’m gonna straight up murder your ass. This frog is mine. Understand?”
81. Light up your room with these Sesame Street glow in the dark figures.
From Tough Pigs: “First there were Sesame Babies, and now Sesame Ghosts:
Your favorite Sesame characters are available as angry, vengeance-seeking spirits!”
82. This jester Animal always amuses.
From Tough Pigs: “Scooter needs to stop dragging the Electric Mayhem to the Renaissance Festival.” Yeah, I think Animal doesn’t really take to the outfit that well. Also seems drunk.
83. Keep your pencils in place with this Big Bird case.
No, that doesn’t look like Big Bird. That more or less resembles Tweety Bird. And he makes me want to step on him.
84. Can someone please show this Sweetums some love?
Translation: “I’d love to eat you!” From Tough Pigs: “I’d love to eat you!”
“… But as a common barn owl, my diet consists primarily of moths and small rodents.”
85. To commemorate the Muppets’ 25th Anniversary, here’s a Jimmy Spencer bobblehead doll.
From Tough Pigs: “This isn’t ugly. It’s just from 2002, when Muppet fans were sucked into an alternate universe where we all had to pay attention to stockcar racing.” Seriously, are there Muppet fan who even watch NASCAR?
86. It’s Officer Elmo at your service.
From Tough Pigs: “Can you imagine being arrested by Elmo? Seriously. Just try to picture it.” No, that doesn’t seem right. Also, he might’ve failed his fitness test. Must cut the donuts.
87. Snuggle up with these Sesame Street baby dolls.
On second thought, it be better to avoid them whenever possible. Keep them as far away from you and your children as possible. Because at night they will kill.
88. Back up your files with this Elmo USB drive.
Why did they have to have Elmo crouch like that? And why does the drive have to be between his legs? This is wrong on so many levels.
89. This Fozzie mini-bear plush is too cute not to love.
From Tough Pigs: “I see the problem… Somebody set this thing to Evil.” Don’t be surprise if you see him wielding a large knife from the kitchen.
90. Once again, another plush of Guy Smiley.
Apparently, this guy hasn’t seemed like himself lately. Because that’s definitely not his nose. In fact, doesn’t even look like him.
91. Grace this little Elmo ornament on your Christmas tree.
From Muppet Mindset: “Elmo loves crack! Does baby want to have some crack? Baby wants to ask Dorothy what crack is? Baby can’t, Elmo sold Dorothy for more crack.”
92. If you liked Muppet Babies, check out these figurines.
These little muppet babies are guaranteed to haunt your dreams. Also, why the hell is Fozzie dark? He’s not.
93. So I guess that’s Bert and Ernie’s car.
And I’m sure it’s falling apart and Ernie’s a terrible driver. Yeah, I think it might be time it goes to the junk yard where it was made.
94. Have hours of fun with Muppet Monopoly.
Because we all know that the Muppets are about dominating the real estate market until your friends go broke and have to bow out. Oh, wait, that was Donald Trump’s business model. My mistake.
95. Didn’t know Fozzie played hockey in his spare time.
Then again, I think he might want to do with a goalie mask. On the other hand, he might not have it in him for fights or excessive profanity. Then again, he may be a great mascot for the Boston Bruins.
96. This Gonzo doll is one anyone would want to cuddle with.
It’s said that Gonzo had done 3 years after his time at the funny farm. But he hasn’t been the same since. Chicken farmers might want to beware.
97. Don’t worry, Betty Lou will put the fire out.
For some reason, this firefighter Betty Lou gives me the creeps. Not sure why.
98. With this Gonzo doll, you can pretend to be Gonzo the Great.
From Tough Pigs: “Why does every Gonzo doll look like he’s just been electrocuted? (Then again, it’s Gonzo. Maybe he has.)”
99. What’s a better tribute to friendship than seeing Elmo as Oscar the Grouch?
From Tough Pigs: “If we ever needed proof that Elmo was a horrific alien larva, devouring his victims from the inside before bursting, hideously swollen, out of their shriveled skins… er… why did we want that proof again?”
100. From Muppets Most Wanted, this Kermit cologne is a fragrance for him.
Not sure if I’d want to sniff this. Still, why does Kermit have to have his own cologne? It doesn’t make sense.
Pretty tacky stuff!