As an aspiring writer, I know getting a book published is a very difficult endeavor since you have the pitch the idea and even if you do everything right and your book is good, there’s a chance you’d still face rejection. However, there are so many books out there that make the whole thing seem so easy because they don’t seem that good to begin with. Yes, I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but sometimes you can’t help yourself. Sometimes you might see a book with a crazy design. Sometimes it might have a crazy title. Or occasionally it might have a design that might send the wrong message. And then there are covers for classic books that don’t exactly correspond with what the story is really about. But whatever the case, I managed to get about 4 posts out of them because you keep finding more. So for your reading pleasure, I present you with another treasure trove of questionable book covers. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. As you might see from the previous editions.
- Fashion Cats by Takako Iwasa
I know there are plenty of people who might like to dress up their pets. But come on, this is ridiculous.
Because Fluffy always needs to look up to date on the latest styles.
2. How to Teach Physics to Your Dog by Chad Orzel
Just because teaching a dog physics might work on Wallace and Gromit, doesn’t mean it will work for you. And even if it does, it doesn’t mean your pooch will go into engineering.
Since Rover needs to know the average amount of force it takes for you to throw the ball.
3. How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found by Doug Richmond
Of course, this doesn’t mean you’ll avoid getting on a Missing Persons report. Because a lot of people who disappear usually do. That or be declared dead.
Very handy for anyone going into witness protection or are simply trying to hide from the law.
4. Social Sciences by Dave Daggett
However, it’s said the process is very tedious from the description. Then again, people in the 18th century believed in a lot of crazy shit.
If you want to know how sunbeams can be extracted from cucumbers, this is the book for you.
5. Manifold Destiny: The One, the Only Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller
Of course, having food on you and fuel in the tank might help. Then again, why would anyone want to cook on their car. Wouldn’t that mess up the engine? Seriously, it’s only going to make your mechanic happy.
For those hungry travelers stranded on the open road and miles away from the nearest gas station, this is for you.
6. Strangers Have the Best Candy by Margaret Meps Schulte
Fortunately, this isn’t a children’s book but a travelogue about a woman’s interesting conversations with strangers over the years. However, I have to admit, she really sucks at selecting titles.
With the possible exception of Mr. Creepers and his windowless van.
7. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
Uh, this book is supposed to take place in Russia during the Napoleonic wars. Also, I don’t think it has a nude scene involving two women either.
Complete with Tolstoy’s deleted scene with naked lesbians.
8. Jesus on Mars by Philip Jose Farmer
Also, Jesus doesn’t seem to have any hard feelings about being crucified on the red planet. Which begs the question, how do Martians have access to wood? Because Mars doesn’t have any trees.
Will Jesus save the little green men? Or will they shoot him with laser beams?
9. The Princess Bitchface Syndrome: Surviving Adolescent Girls by Michael Carr-Gregg
So this guy thinks that teenage girls act like bitches? Really? He should know that this doesn’t describe teen girls 100% of the time. Really, it doesn’t.
Because let’s face, adolescent girls are just a pain in the ass.
10. My Beautiful Mommy by Michael Alexander Salzhauer and illustrated by Victor Gulza
Yes, this book was written by a plastic surgeon. Still, I think they could’ve handled the subject better. For instance, the author could’ve had Mommy get a tummy tuck because she was suffering from severe lower back pain. Or she had been heavily scarred in a car accident. This book really sends a terrible message for kids.
Or how to stay positive when your mom goes through plastic surgery because she has severe self-esteem issues about her looks.
11. Managing a Dental Practice the Genghis Khan Way by Michael Young
From Mental-Floss: “Genghis Khan was a busy guy, and he was never able to find time to open a dental practice in between building an empire. This book still suggests that dentists should be taking a page from his book.”
Now you can learn how to ruthlessly manage a dental practice like a 13th century Mongolian.
12. Betty Zane by Zane Grey
It’s actually a historical novel about a Revolutionary war heroine on the frontier. And it involves her running to her brother’s home to fetch more ammo to a fort. Definitely not a heartwarming Christmas story.
Guess this is about what Betty Zane wants for Christmas.
13. Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb
Also, that woman should have more of a space suit on. Because showing skin in space is a really bad idea. Seriously, skin exposure is a very easy way to die in space.
Let me guess, kind of a sci-fi, space fantasy flick.
14. The Madam as an Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution by Barbara Sherman Heyl
I heard the chapters on sex trafficking and STDS are very informative. Seriously, prostitution is a terrible profession.
Also known as, “The Woman’s Guide on How to Succeed in Whorehouse Management.”
15. Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them: How to Keep Your Tractors Happy and Your Family Running
Yeah, that guy really seems to love his old tractor. Maybe even more than his family. I don’t know. There’s something not right here.
Oh, no, not the tractor loving guys again.
16. The Mother Truckers by Marcus Miller
Because I don’t see any mother truckers here. Just some bikers and a couple guys in their underwear.
So I guess Gay Biker Boys in Bondage was already taken.
17. Gay Traders by Aaron Thomas
Then again, “Gay Traders” probably got passed the censors easier. But to me, it’s more of a shower orgy than anything.
Featuring the least gay group shower scene ever despite the title.
18. A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court by Mark Twain
No, I don’t think Camelot looks like a rough planetary surface with a large moon. It’s supposed to look like a fairy tale medieval kingdom for God’s sake.
Wait a minute, I don’t think that Camelot is supposed to be in outer space.
19. Do-It-Yourself Lobotomy: Open Your Mind to Creative Thinking by Tom Montahan
I know this book is supposed to be about enhancing creative thinking. But this title is just so fucked up. The freaky photo doesn’t help either. Sorry, but I don’t think a self-help book cover is supposed to give me nightmares.
Because nothing brings out creative thinking than performing some self-inflicted horrific brain surgery.
20. Carma Sutra: The Auto-Erotic Handbook by Alan Games and Esther Seisdon
Yes, this book exists. And I really don’t want to know what’s in it. Really, I don’t think there’s a lot of sex stuff you can do in the back of a sedan.
Now you can explore your sex life without having to ask, “Your place or mine?”
21. The Emerald City of Oz by L. Frank Baum
No, I don’t think the Emerald City is supposed to look like that. Doesn’t seem very green to me.
Man, Emerald City doesn’t look so green these days.
22. Yoga for Equestrians: A New Path for Achieving Union with the Horse by Linda Benedik and Veronica Wirth
Seems like they’d promote yoga to just about anyone these days. What next, Yoga for Horses?
For those who wish to do yoga while on horseback, this is the book for you.
23. The Relaxed Rabbit: Massage for Your Pet Bunny by Chandra Moira Beal, RMT and Maia
Because massages should relieve stress for almost anybody. Even pet rabbits. Seriously, this is ridiculous. Really.
Now you can learn how to give massages to Flopsy.
24. Learning to Play with a Lion’s Testicles: Unexpected Gifts from the Animals from Africa by Melissa Haynes
Sure it’s about African animals. But why the hell does its title scream the worst fucking idea ever? Seriously, it’s a very stupid way to die.
Actually learning to play with a lion’s testicles is incredibly easy: don’t.
25. My Darling, My Hamburger by Paul Zindel
Sure she may not be his cheeseburger in paradise, but she’ll do. Seriously, I expect that title to be on something to do with food. Not romance.
A steamy romance novel where “do you want fries with that” has multiple connotations.
26. If God Loves Me, Then Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open? by Lorraine Petersen
Yeah, these devotional books for teens can have very stupid titles. Yet, I would’ve thought a kid struggling to get their locker open would be more appropriate.
God: Maybe you just got the wrong combination numbers. That’s why.
27. Crafting with Cat Hair: Cute Handicrafts to Make with Your Cat
I don’t think Whiskers is amused by the finger puppet you made from his fur. In fact, he’s kind of freaked out by it.
As if Knitting with Dog Hair wasn’t the most insane craft book already.
28. Natural Bust Enhancement with Total Mind Power by Donald Wilson, M.D.
From Mental Floss: “Instead of blowing thousands dollars on surgery, Dr. Donald L. Wilson suggests that increased breast size can be achieved through the power of mindful thinking. The contents read more like soft-core erotic poetry than a self-help guide. One noteworthy line reads, ‘You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect your breasts can be.'”
Because why go through surgery when you can get bigger boobs by just using your mind?
29. Be Your Own Dick: Private Investigation Made Easy by John Q. Newman
Still, given how “dick” has so many unfortunate meanings these days, this cover is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, get your mind out of the gutter.
After all, if you think your husband’s cheating on you, why waste money hiring a guy to follow him when you can do it yourself?
30. Extreme Ironing by Phil Shaw
Now it’s one thing to be doing extreme stuff like bungee jumping or climbing. But ironing? That’s just ridiculous.
Featuring pictures of people going to extreme lengths to iron their clothes.
31. Pet Goats and Pap Smears: 101 Medical Adventures to Open Your Mind and Heart by Pamela Wible, M.D.
I know this is supposed to be a medical story book. But the goat’s placement is very freaky to me. Seriously.
I really don’t think a goat is a great place for a gynecologist’s office.
32. You Don’t Have to Be Gay: Hope and Freedom for Males Struggling with Homosexuality or for Those Who Know Someone Who Is by J. A. Konrad
This garbage basically advocates gay conversion therapy, a practice everyone knows is basically harmful and demeaning to people. But if you’re gay, you don’t have to struggle with it. You just have to accept it as part of who you are and come out o the closet. Because there’s nothing wrong with being gay.
Because, men, why do you have to come out of the closet and accept it as your sexual identity when you could just go through the self-hating process of gay conversion therapy?
33. A Thousand and One Afternoons in Chicago by Ben Hecht
No, I don’t think Chicago is a barren desert since it’s in the Great Lakes region. Also, it’s kind of flat.
Yes, read Ben Hecht’s account about surviving in one of the harshest deserts of Illinois.
34. The Napoleon of Notting Hill by G.K. Chesterton
Wait a minute, the English landscape doesn’t look like that. That’s seems like something you’d see in the Rockies.
Apparently, Notting Hill is known for its tall snow-capped mountains and vast bodies of water.
35. The Thing about Georgie by Lisa Graff
What the fuck, Scholastic? This book looks like it’s about a kid who hung himself! Seriously, this is bound to traumatize children!
Apparently, a children’s novel about childhood suicide, published by Scholastic.
36. How to Kill Your Girlfriend’s Cat Again by Dr. Robert Daphne
Look, guys, if you don’t like your girlfriend’s cat either put up with it until it dies or break up with her. Because many people see killing your girlfriend’s cat as a major relationship dealbreaker.
Another thing that’s incredibly easy to do: don’t. Seriously, Dwight Schrute learned the hard way by putting one of Angela’s cats in the freezer.
37. Why Isn’t God Giving Cash Prizes? by Lorraine Peterson
I wish tell Lorraine Peterson that she really needs a better cover designer, considering the titles. How about God calling out lotto numbers?
Because God doesn’t play favorites and thinks cash is just a human invention.
38. Daisy Miller and Other Stories by Henry James
Sorry, but I don’t think Daisy Miller was a desert dwelling kick ass assassin. She was probably some turn of the century society woman whose parents made her participate in some institutionalized gold digging.
Look out, Henry James’s Daisy Miller is packing heat.
39. My Big Lie by Bill Cosby
Of course, everyone knows what Big Bill’s big lie is, which he’s been telling everyone for most of his adult life. Yeah, probably should be pulled from the children’s section.
Think about as a children’s book version of Confessions of a Date Rapist.
40. The Legends of King Arthur and His Knights by James Knowles
This picture seems like it was taken straight off from some book about the Napoleonic Wars. Or the War of 1812. Not sure about the color of these uniforms.
No, I don’t think medieval knights dressed like that in battle.
41. Does God Speak Through Cats? by David Evans
From Mental Floss: “This is one of those pressing questions the Bible, the Torah, and the Qu’ran all neglected to answer.” Apparently, the ridiculous cat books seem to be endless.
The kind of question crazy cat lovers have been asking for centuries.
42. The Lull Before Dorking
It’s actually a collection of 1871 British pamphlets. “Dorking” here might mean either market in South London or a 5-toed domestic fowl. I’m not sure which.
Apparently, this isn’t a prequel to the Big Bang Theory.
43. My Angelica by Carol Lynch Williams
Yeah, I don’t think teenage girls should have Harlequin romance fantasies. Sparkly vampires would be more age appropriate.
Because trashy romance novelists were once 12-year-olds, too.
44. How to Poo on a Date:The Lovers’ Guide to Toilet Etiquette by Mats and Enzo
Really? Do we really need a book on how to poop on a date? Can’t just going to the restroom be good enough?
For when you’re in a romantic mood and have to do a No.2.
45. The New Radiation Recipe Book
Learn how to make meals such as 3 headed sheep, Chernobyl casserole, China Syndrome chicken, and Westinghouse salad. Dishes might cause radiation sickness though.
Featuring the finest cuisine straight from Three Mile Island.
46. Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier
While Rebecca does have some romance, it’s not exactly what I call a romance novel. Mostly because I don’t find Manderley an ideal romantic setting. Quite the opposite.
Because there’s nothing sexy like a young wife with a massive lack of self-esteem who’s constantly harassed by the maid and her middle aged husband who yells at her all the time without explaining why.
47. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
This cover is more suited for a business textbook than a Jane Austen novel. I don’t think the Dashwood sisters are pros at customer service.
Uh, I don’t think that looks early 19th century to me.
48. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
Hell, even having a Nazis or a swastika on the cover would be more appropriate than a domino set. This doesn’t set the right mood.
This is about a young girl who lives in Nazi Germany, not a pulpy detective story.
49. Treat Your Neck by Robin McKenzie
From Mental Floss: “In the days before hypochondriacs could be satisfied (or spurred on) by a quick WebMD search for symptoms like “stiff elbow” or “sore ankles,” Spinal Publications New Zealand Ltd. and physical therapist Robin McKenzie released a handy paperback guide to self-care for all neck-related problems. Reviews of the book range from “highly recommend!” to a warning that some of the exercises might be “quite harmful” to those with pre-existing arthritis. Exercise caution when reading.”
Finally, a book about combating neck pain.
50. Daughters of Eve by Lois Duncan
This looks like something that’s straight out of a men’s rights activist’s nightmares. Seriously, feminists don’t usually hate men, they just hate how the male-dominated system treats them.
Watch out, girls, the teen feminist cultists are coming for you!
51. Venusia by Mark von Schlegell
Believe it or not, this was the original Hooters girl costume design. It was rejected for obvious reasons.
Lady owls have never looked so sexy before.
52. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
No, there weren’t any naked women riding on horseback in this book. This painting has absolutely nothing to do with the story.
What the hell is Lady Godiva doing here? This book takes place in the early 19th century for God’s sake!
53. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Look, if a classic doesn’t have a naked lady in the text, don’t put one on the cover. People might mistake it for something else, adolescent boys in particular.
So where do we meet the naked lady in this one?
54. Tales of the Cthulhu Mythos Volume I by H.P. Lovecraft
Seriously, we all should know that Cthulhu is more of a menacing sea creature than anything. Why they put a skull, is anyone’s guess.
Uh, I don’t think Cthulhu is a steaming skull.
55. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick
Makes it hard to believe that this story inspired Bladerunner. Yeah, the cover makes it seem quite lame.
Here’s a case where the cover designer took the title way too literally.
56. Sexual Harassment at Work by Sue Read
However, do we really need an image of a guy playing grab ass? That’s disturbing.
Well, at least you can see what this book is actually talking about.
57. Wildlife Contraception: Issues, Methods, and Applications edited by Cheryl S. Asa and Ingrid J. Porton
Of course, when it comes to deer, one of the best ways to control their population is to shoot them. Natural predators exist for a reason, people.
Because when it comes to controlling the wild animal population spay and neuter won’t do.
58. The Thermodynamics of Pizza: Essays on Science and Everyday Life by Harold J. Morowitz
At Saint Vincent, I thought my chemistry in daily life class would be about stuff like this. Turns out, it was about nutritional content, specifically what chemical inbalances lead to Type II Diabetes.
For those who want to know the heat distribution of pizza. But it might not help those who seek to know the same about hot pockets.
59. What Shat That? A Pocket Guide to Poop Identity by Matt Pagett
I can imagine that this might be a rather useful book. But would anyone want to use it? It’s literally full of shit.
The handy guide that will help you determine whether a bear really did shit in the woods.
60. The Spirit of the Border by Zane Grey
It’s a historical novel based on events centering around the Ohio River Valley in the late 18th century. Focuses on a guy who dedicated his life on Native American destruction and protecting white settlement. Not anything cuddly.
I don’t think this book has anything to do with kitties on a tree.
These are terrible! Very funny, though!