Before the days of the Internet and TV, there was mass media called newspapers which informed the public of the day’s current events. One of their ways to catch viewers’ attention to articles was through a nice bold headlines. Of course, headlines on the front page usually got the most attention and were usually about events of historical and worldly significance. Nevertheless, newspapers continue to exist today but their glory days are very much over in this age of social media. Now I can show you all the great headlines I’ve seen before. But you’ll probably be bored by them to tears. So I’ll give you headlines by people who aren’t very good at some basic aspects associated with their job. Because unlike people on Twitter, they have to worry about things like grammar and syntax when their lines are in 124 characters or less. And sometimes they don’t come out very well. So enjoy these eye catching headlines for your reading pleasure. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way.
- Oh, shit somebody squawked.
Didn’t know that parrots could resort to such criminal behavior. Maybe that’s why pirates kept them. Polly wants you to give him all your crackers or else.
2. Apparently, someone wasn’t sticking to their diet plan.
To be fair, I’m not sure if dieting works anyway. But that doesn’t stop people from trying it.
3. When it comes to crime, this man probably comes as a jack of all trades.
So what do they mean by, “everything?” The term seems rather non-specific here. Like he was arrested for arson, murder, jaywalking, robbery, grand theft auto, rape, extortion, torture, and more.
4. Apparently, Uranus has been acting up more than predicted.
I think someone was wanting to write that headline for years. Sound sort of like some dirty joke since Uranus is so unfortunately named.
5. When it bleeds, it leads, especially when it pertains to rhyme.
Yes, I know that moose-auto collisions are nothing to joke about. But this headline is hilarious for its rhyming scheme.
6. While some people have imaginary friends, the Dallas-Ft.Worth SWAT Team stages stand offs in apartments belonging to imaginary pot growers.
Yeah, a stand off in an empty apartment isn’t going to inspire public confidence. Also, those “tomato plants” in the lead aren’t really tomato plants.
7. According to Nike, Tiger Woods plays with his own balls in golf.
Apparently that hasn’t stopped him from cheating. But I think Nike was trying to say that Tiger plays with his own golf balls.
8. As far as “Civil War planes” go, I don’t think it pertains to America here. At least I hope so.
I know this headline refers to a civil war in another country. However, whenever Americans hear “Civil War” they usually think about something that happened nearly 4 decades before airplanes were invented.
9. Guess that marks the end of that discussion.
So this was a meeting on open meetings which was closed? Interesting.
10. When it comes to organizations, sometimes you don’t know what they stand for.
However, this article has something to do with a nuclear waste incineration. For me this begs the question, why do nuclear waste incinerators even exist? Seriously, you can guess the environmental harm here.
11. Well, finding caskets in a mausoleum is kind of expected.
Because we all know what mausoleums are for. Seriously, you’re bound to find caskets in them because they are stored there.
12. As far as the 10 Commandments are concerned, the courts are divided on the question.
I guess this refers to displaying the 10 Commandments in public places which is a very contentious issue. But it certainly doesn’t read that way.
13. Sometimes gun ownership responsibility starts at a very young age.
At first, I thought the firearm in question might be a BB gun. Turns out it’s a real gun which just begs the question: How in the hell did a baby manage to win this? I mean this very picture pretty much sums up why I staunchly support gun control.
14. Seems like she won’t be a positive role model for girls anytime soon.
To be fair, this girl won a beauty pageant. But whoever came up with this headline has a very poor choice in vocabulary.
15. Apparently, despite being broke, they somehow had $250,000 laying around to advertise.
I guess this county’s officials weren’t known for having any dollars or sense. Yeah, spending $250,000 to advertise being broke. That’ll surely go well with the citizenry who’ll probably vote some of these people out next Election Day.
16. Utah paperboy gets attacked by a goat of the Dark Lord.
Looking at this headline, the kid being attacked by a goat isn’t the most surprising thing here. My question would be: who the hell names their goat Voldemort? Seriously.
17. Doctors never said he would walk again, they were right.
Sure it’s a realistic story. But it’s not what people want to read about since stories like this usually end up with the person walking again. This is a letdown.
18. Sure it’ll kill you but arsenic in water is nothing to worry about.
Uh, arsenic in water is a big problem. It’s poisonous. It kills people. Whoever’s in charge of the Water Authority in that neck of the woods out to be fired.
19. Sometimes painting something in camouflage makes it hard to find.
Even better is that it was from Australia and cost $74,000. That can’t be good, especially considering the taxpayers who paid for it.
20. Unfortunately, Florida strip clubs don’t accept that kind of pussy.
This man must be nuts. I mean calling 911 after your cat’s denied entry into a strip club? Who the hell does that? Most public establishments don’t allow pets anyway.
21. Fruit truck crashes, creates jam.
So was it a traffic jam or a fruit jam? Sometimes it’s hard to tell in such headlines.
22. When there’s smoke, there’s fire. When there’s condensation, there’s no fire.
Apparently, these fire crews don’t seem to know the difference between clouds or smoke. Then again sometimes it’s hard to tell.
23. So can you be more specific?
Yes, dead bodies are found in cemeteries because that’s where people put them. Then again, this grave yard seemed to have a corpse too many.
24. Man tries to rob a gun store with a knife.
Guess this guy was planning some armed robbery at some point. Still, a gun store would be the last place anyone would want to rob.
25. Well, sometimes mailboxes and poop boxes can have a lot of similarities in the UK.
At least that explains why his friends have been complaining about not getting in touch. Still, the poo box is marked with an obvious sign.
26. Remember, Amish kids, practice buggy safety and don’t drink and drive.
Makes you wonder how many horse drawn accidents were caused by intoxication. Probably a lot. Also, thought Amish people didn’t drink.
27. Earthquake damage mostly caused by shaking.
Obviously everyone knows that. Why do you think earthquakes are so destructive that California cities have to come with new construction methods.
28. How about never talk to police because they’re dead.
The reasons why homicide victims don’t talk to cops are obvious. Because dead men tell no tales. Yet, newspapers still print such shit like this.
29. After morgue shooting spree, 17 remain dead.
However, I don’t think “remain” is a good word choice when you’re talking about those killed in a morgue shooting spree. Because most people in morgues are usually dead on arrival.
30. Well, of course you’re going to find weapons if you raid a gun store.
Couldn’t they just say the Feds raided a gun shop. You don’t have to be more specific.
31. Make lemons juicier with cow piss.
That is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard. Then again, they might be referring to using cow piss on lemon trees, not lemons.
32. Guess somebody in Sports had keyboard trouble.
Looks like it was keyboard trouble to me. Wonder what caused that jam.
33. Well, at least the red tape is holding the bridge.
Sorry, but the new bridge hasn’t been constructed yet due to it being held up in red tape. My mistake.
34. Something seems to be missing in this headline because it doesn’t paint a great picture for Belmullet.
When one hears, “Massive Blow Jobs for Belmullet,” it’s not a family friendly picture. In fact, quite the contrary.
35. Apparently, his pant pockets had refrigeration.
Now that’s a bad place to keep an ice cream sandwich. Seriously, all that does is lead to a huge mess since ice cream melts.
36. Man assaulted by dildo in home invasion but dog killed.
Sure home invasions resulting in pets getting killed are scary. Home invasions involving sex toys though, just so hard to take seriously. But perhaps a dildo can be a deadly weapon.
37. I think this school might need to find a new mascot.
Apparently, who ever wrote this headline has no idea what “jack off” means. Hint: it has nothing to do with basketball.
38. I thought it dropped off earlier than that.
Well, of course, teen pregnancy drops off significantly at that point. Because when a woman is pregnant at 25, she’s not a teenager.
39. Rabid dear kicks woman in the face.
Unlike what people usually think about deer, they are not like Bambi. Also, a deer doesn’t have to be rabid to attack people.
40. Best man wounded by flying dildo at wedding.
It’s one thing to be left bleeding from anything. But it’s utterly embarrassing to sustain a dildo injury.
41. Joint committee debates marijuana issue.
I think it has something to do with the government and legalization. And no, I don’t think they were toking a joint either.
42. Apparently, male Republicans have been rather insecure about their masculinity these days.
Actually, I don’t think it has more with Obama’s policies. But seeing how the Republican Party has been acting up these days, you have to wonder.
43. Well, isn’t anybody?
Of course, Diana was still alive hours before she died. That’s not news to anybody.
44. Let’s hope this is metaphorically speaking.
Yes, I know A-Rod and Wang are baseball players. But the headline is so suggestive for some reason.
45. Son of Westboro Baptist Church leader attacked by naked 500lb Man.
Reading it, it’s almost like you’re in the room. Not sure if I want to know how this went down. Then again, it could be a joke.
46. Now what do we do about the homeless after they survived the winter?
Really? How about you know try to help them get homes. That might be a start.
47. I should’ve known that those Japanese scientists were a strange bunch.
To be fair, they’re growing frog eyes and ears in a lab. But that’s not how the headline reads.
48. Sometimes coming up with headlines can be harder than it looks.
Guess someone didn’t think of a great headline at the time. And went with that. Doesn’t really capture the story, does it?
49. Man shot after cops saw a suspiciously small package in his underwear. That must be embarrassing.
I guess the package seemed to contain something like drugs. Still, it reads like the guy was shot for not being well endowed.
50. One armed man always appreciates the kindness of strangers.
Since he can’t really carry some stuff himself. Because he has one arm and it’s tough living with that.
51. Seems like the penis enlarger wasn’t exactly what this guy expected.
I think this guy was pranked for some reason. Then again, if he wants his junk to look bigger, a magnifying glass is perfect for him.
52. Chinese zoo tries to pass hairy dog as lion to save money.
Uh, excuse me, but that does not look like a lion to me. Why did the Chinese zoo think that they’d get away with this?
53. Unfortunately, even muggers want the newest cell phones these days.
I find that hard to believe. I’ve been using a flip phone for years and I don’t complain.
54. Russian bears get high on jet fuel.
Sure the jet fuel isn’t good for the bears. But they seem to have a great time nonetheless.
55. Man kicks burning terrorist in the balls, suffers ankle injury.
It’s a miracle he didn’t suffer anything worse than that. This is especially when you consider that the terrorist was on fire.
56. Mayor to homeless: go home.
Uh, how do you expect the homeless to go home? Because they don’t have one. This guy’s a turd.
57. Well, you should expect that some horny ghost might be haunting places.
After all, I’ve seen Harry Potter and Ghostbusters. It shouldn’t be an unusual thing. So I guess this Kevin is too friendly.
58. Lawyer killer receives new attorney.
Guess the guy wasn’t satisfied with the first lawyer. Hope the second one works out.
59. Apparently not at this newspaper.
For some reason, there’s a reporter out there who doesn’t know how to spell Mississippi. This one is missing an “s” or two.
60. Dwarf sues grocer for belittling remarks.
Somehow this paper isn’t helping its case by using the term “midget.” Dwarves find the term derogatory.
61. For a psychic, you’d think she see this coming.
Considering that it was her second arrest. Yet, she didn’t seem to see beyond that.
62. Looks like ninjas want their stash, too.
And to think they were attacking a medical marijuana man, too. Also, what’s the deal with ninjas in California?
63. When naming your organization, make sure it doesn’t result in an unfortunate acronym.
In this context, MILF stands for Moro Islamic Liberation Front which is an Islamist terrorist group in the Philippines. In America, “MILF” is a term that’s applied somewhat differently like in porn.
64. Looks like someone is finally cracking down on the pigeon racket.
Gambling in pigeon races? First off, how is pigeon racing even a thing? Second, people bet on them?
65. Squirrel causes power outage and water shortage.
Yes, I know this is a funny news headline. But it’s in bold type since it caused a breach in the power lines in Tampa. It wasn’t funny to the people of Tampa.
66. I thought nudists would welcome this sort of thing.
Oh, they’re erecting towers. But still, that’s a poor word choice there. “Building” might’ve been better.
67. Residents, keep your guard and beware of the otters.
Yes, otters are a menace so try to avoid devastation by this ravenous animal. For God’s sake, I can’t take this headline seriously.
68. Apparently, there are some people who think he stinks.
Yes, his name is Colon. And yes, I assume he had to overcome a lot of obstacles to get to where he is. Because he has a very unfortunate last name.
69. Lesbian dressed as sumo wrestler assaults ex-girlfriend.
Have to imagine what happened here. I know it’s not something to joke about. But the costumes make it hard to take the story seriously.
70. Turns out, cats understand us but don’t really care.
And for the record, neither do dogs. But dogs seem to hide it better. Still, this is pretty funny.
71. Clearly, there have been a lot of state prison breakouts lately.
Well, why they’d have easy-open locks in a prison is beyond me. Because crooks could easily break out in them.
72. Utah Poison Center tells everyone don’t take poison.
I guess this is something everyone should know anyway. But don’t really seem to. Wonder why.
73. Sorry, kids, but it turns out Pooh and the Abominable Snowman aren’t so nice after all.
Okay, that picture probably has nothing to do with the story. But since it appears below a headline, it makes one suspicious.
74. Seems like this city has no idea that sewers are supposed to smell.
Once again, whoever came up with this headline should be more specific like in how the sewer smells. Because if it smells like human waste and other garbage, then it’s nothing of concern.
75. Russian sex lizards die in space orbit.
Sex geckos? You have to be serious? Russians were sending geckos to explore their sex lives in space. Yeah, that’s ridiculous.
76. Deer with big rack turns out to be a doe in Iowa.
Yes, this happens but not too often that it’s a big deal. My neighbor’s dad caught a doe with antlers once. But I think “antlers” would’ve been a better word choice than “rack.”
77. Apparently, these threats are getting out of hand.
Looks like the threats are screwing up everything here. Even when it comes to talking about them.
78. Drunk man eats underwear to beat breathalyzer.
And no, the underwear wasn’t edible either. Nevertheless, please don’t try this at home. It’s stupid.
79. Apparently, flatulence can bring down your opera singing career.
Then again, given how opera is about tragic subjects, farting can be distracting. Still, it’s pretty funny.
80. Seems that things have been slowing down faster than ever before.
Yes, I know that it’s trying to describe some economic function. But it seems quite ironic in description.
81. Remember, kids, don’t try to take a selfie with a rattlesnake or you’ll end up like this guy.
Let me guess, guy got bit by rattlesnake so he might lose a hand? And because he wanted to take a selfie with it. Can people be that stupid?
82. Unfortunately, angry management classes aren’t 100% effective.
Yes, a stabbing erupted during an anger management class. And it seems someone might need an intervention or be held down.
83. Woman has been missing since lost.
Well, isn’t that obvious? Don’t lost people end up missing? What about a specific time frame?
84. Yes, the sewage killed fish, but the water is still safe to drink.
If a sewage spill leads to fish dying, then the water is surely not safe to drink. Get a freaking clue.
85. Sick policy now requires a 2 day notice.
So how do you plan on being sick? Oh, wait you don’t. Seriously, that policy defies all logic behind the concept of being sick.
86. Apparently, the murderer feels like the detective ruined his good name.
Of course, the detective wouldn’t have done so had the murderer not killed somebody. The only thing the detective did was gather evidence that he did it which is their job.
87. According to the Feds, fish need water.
We’ve known that forever. Because fish are practically swimming in it. This is not news.
88. Aren’t psychics supposed to predict the future instead of state the obvious?
Seems like these psychics aren’t doing their job. Because we already know the world didn’t end yesterday.
89. Bullied? Act less gay, teachers say.
This is pretty insulting because how could you act less gay? Besides, what do they mean by “acting gay?” It doesn’t make sense.
90. Break your hip in a hospital? Call an ambulance.
If you fall and injure yourself in the hospital, you shouldn’t need to call an ambulance. Because the hospital is right there.
91. Apparently, cemetery residents are making a comeback.
So does this mean there’s a zombie infestation going on? Because that does not seem quite right for some reason.
92. Seems like otters are finding a new taste in mini-vans these days.
Like how they make the otter look so evil in this. Still, I don’t think otters would snack on cars because they’re much smaller than the smallest vehicles on the road.
93. Holy shit, how could Rover be such a monster!
Another case where the article is next to the wrong picture. And they always thought Rover was a good boy.
94. Apparently, an Illinois executive is going to be away for quite some time like forever.
When saying that an executive is entering witness protection, I don’t think it’s appropriate to display a picture of him. I mean they guy’s in witness protection for a reason.
95. Don’t look now, but the Chinese might be hiding their subs in the sea.
Yeah, that’s about as obvious as anything else. Not exactly what I’d call news because that’s what submarines do.
96. New findings suggests that chance of rain may depend where you live.
But of course, you already know that since you learned about climate. Because rainfall is heavily dependent on that.
97. Out of options, hospitals have now resorted to hiring doctors.
Which is exactly what hospitals do. Because that’s where many doctors work.
98. Scientists now say that starvation can lead to health hazards.
Like malnutrition and death. Because without food, you’ll waste away and die.
99. I’m afraid tacos aren’t an acceptable form of identification.
Then again, being drunk kind of explains it. Also the setting his car on fire which he’ll regret.
100. Guy tries to buy toy poodles, buys ferrets instead.
Okay, that picture on the right does not look like a dog at all. How this guy couldn’t tell the difference between a dog and a ferret, I don’t understand.