Since I didn’t find a lot of good Easter ads (and by that I mean ones so bad they’re unintentionally as hilarious as offensive in some cases), I decided to do another edition of general vintage ads. I mean I did one a year ago and since I haven’t had many ideas lately (or at least those I haven’t acted on). Not to mention, my last general vintage ad post got 577 views and the ones I did during the holidays had sizeable turnouts as well. Nevertheless, our vintage world of advertising can tell a lot about our culture at the time as well as why there are certain restrictions on advertising nowadays. I mean those who have seen my back to school season vintage ad post know what I’m talking about. I mean seriously, before anti-smoking awareness, tobacco advertising was everywhere. And this to the point where you had back to school cigarette ads. Really. Then there’s the fact that many of these old ads were drawn by artists which leads to some of them being unintentionally creepy or inappropriate. So for your reading pleasure, here is another installment of not so nostalgic vintage advertising.
1. Spread your legs for maximum leg room in a new Pontiac Star Chief.
Pontiac Star Chief: for the male high school senior intent on losing his virginity before graduating high school, this is the car that will certainly get you laid at prom. It’s maximum leg room makes consummation a cinch.
2. Start revolution with Interwoven Esquire Socks that will make your kids question your fashion taste in the 1970s.
Yes, all that these guys have on are their hideous socks and their sunglasses. Still, I don’t know if a group of naked men would look this comfortable around each other during a photo shoot. And you can almost see some of their butts.
3. Girls who are noticed first Go Gay. As in Go Gay Hairspray.
Now this is an ad for hair spray. However, since “gay” now refers to homosexual in our modern culture, this ad unintentionally suggests that women turn lesbians when looking for Mr. Right. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds.
4. Gentlemen, be strong like a man in these Hicks business slacks?
Because who needs to work out in spandex at the gym when you have khaki? Besides, I forgot my gym shorts at home so it was either these or my tidy whiteys.
5. She was the perfect housewife but she was so busy attending to her husband’s needs that she didn’t attend to her feminine hygiene. And her husband failed to appreciate her because of this one thing.
Yes, she was everything a husband could ask her but Mr. Superficial here couldn’t appreciate her because she was unable to change her period pad once in awhile during her time of the month. And her husband Mr. Superficial would trade all her assets so she could correct this.
6. I just couldn’t accept my husband’s ring on our first anniversary because I was so ashamed of my red dishwashy hands.
Seriously, lady, either you get a dishwasher, buy rubber gloves, or stop complaining about your hands. I mean having dishwashy hands is nothing to be ashamed about at all. Besides, your husband doesn’t care how your hands look anyway.
7. “It’s no use! I won’t see him.” And then she locked herself in her room because she had a poor complexion.
Really? Bad skin? Is it just me or do women in vintage ads seem way too concerned about their looks? I mean having a poor complexion is no excuse for not seeing a guy and locking yourself in your room, which I think is crazy.
8. As a man, I suffered from menstrual cramps, because when my wife has her period, she’s like a total bitch.
For ladies suffering from menstrual cramps, try Femicin because you know your husband doesn’t want to hear you complaining about them. Doesn’t help that this guy looks like a total asshole.
9. Does my husband look younger than me? Oh, my God, will he cheat on me?
Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with aging, especially if you’re a woman. Yet, she seems to feel that her husband will leave her for some younger chick if he appears younger than her.
10. Remember, ladies, dishpan hands can kill your marriage. So use Lux.
Really? I’m sure dishpan hands aren’t the reason why people’s marriages end. Seriously, seems like vintage ads tend to measure a relationship’s health on how well the woman abides by unrealistic beauty standards.
11. Remember, women, signs of “middle aged skin” can start at 20 and you know guys dump you over that. So use Palmolive Soap.
You know, if my boyfriend dumped me for someone else because I had “middle aged skin,” I wouldn’t be crying about it to my grandma. This “Tom” guy is a superficial asshole who’s not worth any woman’s time.
12. Lady, with body hair? Now why doesn’t she shave?
Admit it, we all have body hair. Yet, only women are encouraged to get rid of it while Burt Reynolds shows his naked hairy chest in Cosmo. Seriously, the double standards have to go.
13. Remember, your hair collects unpleasant odors.
Well, if you were in a room in which everyone is smoking cigarettes, it’s no surprise why. But I don’t think this ad is making the connection.
14. “He doesn’t kiss me anymore!” Don’t worry, just switch your brand of lipstick!
I’m sure switching your lipstick to Tangee won’t solve your relationship problems with your boyfriend. Seriously, I wonder what these terrible ads say about men in those days like being superficial assholes.
15. “Please, honey, don’t lock me out of your life with invisible locks!”
Of course, her marriage was falling apart due to “one intimate neglect.” I suppose this has to do with “feminine hygiene” of the sanitary napkin variety.
16. Want to lose weight? Try these contraptions at a reasonable price and sweat the weight off.
Products include Frown Eradicator, Chin Reducer, Neck and Chin Reducer, Bust Reducer, and Abdominal Reducer. They also have Union Suits, jackets and support hoes. Of course, hate to see what some of these weight loss contraptions look like.
17. Another love shipwrecked due to bad feminine hygiene. So on your next date, keep your vagina clean with Lysol.
Seriously, this is what the ad basically says because “feminine hygiene.” So according to vintage ads, Lysol is great for dishes as well as the female nether regions. And in your grandparents’ day, vaginal cleanliness was important.
18. Remember, ladies, for your vaginal and reproductive needs, use Lysol. And your husband won’t avoid your embraces.
Still, you have to applaud Lysol for managing to promote their dish washing fluid as a douche solution and contraceptive (note the mention of organic matter). And this one really is pushing the envelope here.
19. While some airlines feature their pretty stewardesses in their ads, Eastern Airlines uses their ad space to shame those who didn’t quite make it to their impossibly high standards.
At Eastern Airlines, we want everyone to fly. But if any young woman wants to be a stewardess on our airline, then she has to be superwoman or else, we won’t take her.
20. Remember, ladies, gray hair can cost you your job so restore your hair color with Sage and Sulphur.
Man, this woman must work in a very superficial workplace for very superficial male bosses that treat her like eye candy. Yeah, I’m sure sulfur and sage will help restore your hair color. Yeah right.
21. Flat chested and dateless? Get the Miracle Cream treatment, ladies to enhance your bust 1 to 3 inches.
Think of this ad as the female equivalent to any of the ads that pertain to natural male enhancement. Of course, this was probably from the 1930s when the flat chested flapper look was on its way out.
22. Don’t look now, but I think the man suspects his wife may have gap osis.
And by “gaps” they mean skirt buttons here. Seriously, I’m not making this up. Seriously, I’m sure if your relationship suffers due to “gap osis” it’s not you ladies, it’s him.
23. Have teeth? Then preserve them with by using the ideal felt tooth polisher.
I don’t know about you but I think I’m a little creeped out by the man in the moon. Seriously, he reminds me of a serial killer in this.
24. Use Mustang lineament and you will be all right in a day or two and so will your horse.
I’m not sure if the woman will be all right after a day or two. For that matter, the creepy clown could’ve had her bound and gagged in his circus trailer.
25. Hey, kids, did you know that monkeys and raccoons make wonderful pets?
Okay, now there’s a reason why we don’t have pet monkeys and raccoons. For one, many monkeys are endangered and having exotic pets aren’t encouraged. Also, monkeys don’t like lollipops. Second, raccoons make terrible pets and many carry rabies.
26. Solve your respiratory ailment with Ayer’s Chery Pectoral.
Now these children aren’t cute at all. In fact, they seem like they’ll haunt your nightmares if you ever give them the time of day. Also, contains opium.
27. This child’s life may depend on the safety of Distaval.
Distaval is Thalidomide which isn’t a safe drug at all. Seriously, as a drug to treat morning sickness, it was withdrawn from general use because it was found to cause severe birth defects when taken during pregnancy. And this ad is telling parents that it’s safe for kids? Seriously, what the fuck?
28. Own a TV because it benefits your children by keeping them in line.
Then again, this ad comes from the 1950s when TV was a new thing an there were only a few channels anyway. Still, you wouldn’t be saying that nowadays.
29. Remember, parents, it’s never too early to get you baby started on 7UP.
Yes, set your little one up with those empty calories that will lead to tooth decay, obesity, Type II diabetes, bone loss, anxiety, sleep deprivation, heart disease, and so much more. Yeah, this picture is a perfect example of bad parenting. I mean babies should never have soft drinks, period.
30. Go to Sears for we have fashionable clothing for chubby children.
For one, how is this girl even chubby? To me, she just looks like a perfectly healthy kid who’s at a normal weight So why the hell is Sears saying she’s fat?
31. In life’s battles, nothing heals wounds like Pond’s Extract.
Sure Pond’s Extract might be handy for cuts, bruises, wounds, and lacerations. However, when it comes to actual life threatening battle wounds, then you’re probably shit out of luck.
32. For all the lonely guys out there, snuggle up with your very own inflatable Love Maid.
Man, these inflatable sex dolls sure seemed to have quite realistic features in the 1970s. Still, it seems like she’s carrying two glasses of poison on the tray for she’s kind of nightmare inducing.
33. Of course, using cuteness in ads will always equal big bucks.
Seriously, now having babies in 7UP ads is one thing. But cigarette ads? Now that’s just fucked up, especially since many babies probably developed asthma due to secondhand smoke.
34. Is “Smoker’s Fag” beginning to get you? Now 90% correctable according to science.
Yeah, it is correctable. Just quit smoking for God’s sake! Still, I think putting a now inflaming gay slur in this ad is quite funny.
35. Coffee addiction hurts families everywhere unless it’s Sanka decaf.
Here’s a scene in which a man’s caffeine habit results in him abusing his kid and enduring sleepless nights. With Sanka his kid no longer fears him and he’s a happy man again. Seriously, this is so twisted.
36. Support the troops, smoke Chesterfields with them.
Note that the nurse in the ad is actress Claudette Colbert. Still, the fact she’s in a nurse’s outfit freely passing out cigarettes is still kind of disconcerting since it kills about a third of its users per year.
37. Tonight’s the night. So get it on with Duraflame.
From looking at this ad, you’d think Duraflame was a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction since it also lasts for 3 hours. It’s actually a company that sells logs for fireplaces. Still, since we have Viagra, this ad is unintentionally hilarious since Duraflame logs are also good for 3 hours.
38. Players Tobacco is Daddy’s favorite because it’s the tobacco that counts.
This little child has toys around him but he’s only playing with his daddy’s cigar. This is pretty disturbing for obvious reasons. Guess he wants to die with his lungs all filled with tar like his daddy.
39. Just a minute, lady, don’t kill yourself over a bad hair day. Try Formula 9 Shampoo.
Hey, lady, I may have a bad hair day now and then. But even then, I never had any suicidal tendencies over it. And my hair’s even more unkempt than that. But still, this is the most disturbing shampoo ad I’ve ever seen in my life.
40. Breathing problems? Well, why don’t you try Dr. Batty’s Asthma cigarettes?
I’m sure that this was an effective treatment for asthma just like inhaling smog and a bunch of harmful chemicals. Also, “not recommended for children under 6.” I wonder why.
41. “Coffee is like a friend, Tiny. When you get a good one, stick to it.”
For one, the elderly captain seems to be on the cusp of dementia. Second, “Tiny” is basically a name you’d hear being called in prison. Third, seems that these guys are discussing coffee with the same seriousness as brain cancer. The captain must be losing it and the other guy feels like he needs to research maritime law and riverboat murder.
42. Choose Kellogg’s Cornflake for the horrifying nutritious breakfast.
Holy shit, seems that Kellogg’s found the kid version of Steve Buscemi, starved him to the brink of death, put a suit on his skeletal frame, gave him food for the first time in 2 weeks, and made a creepy ad out of it.
43. Have a loved one suffering from alcoholism. Then tell them to drink Bogg’s Tawny Port.
Even funnier is that this is a syrup that contains cocaine. Yeah, I’m sure a coke habit will cure anyone of alcoholism. Not.
44. “When he comes home from school hungry, there’s only one way to satisfy him. And me.”
I don’t know about you, but I find this Snickers ad very disturbing. I mean it seems that this mother and son relationship seems more akin to what I’ve seen on The Manchurian Candidate but I’m not so sure about the brainwashing. I mean look at the mom’s face. She just seems so creepy.
45. “Heavens! Buddy must have a girl…..chained to the radiator, more like it.”
Yeah, I think this little psychopath may have been the possible inspiration for Warren Zevon’s “Excitable Boy.”: “And he took little Suzie to the Junior Prom/Excitable boy, they all said/And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home.”
46. New moms, smoke Philip Morris because they can really use a break.
Let’s just say smoking in front of a newborn really is one of the stupidest things you can do as a parent, other than smoking while pregnant. Yeah, baby’s lungs will be full of tar before he or she knows it.
47. Log Cabin: the kind of maple syrup that will turn your kids into Children of the Corn.
Seeing these kids dead soulless eyes makes you wonder if Log Cabin Maple Syrup is just the carmelized blood of their enemies.
48. Have a real roller coaster in your own backyard for $12.95.
Don’t look now but I’m not sure the girl is just waiting her turn for the coaster. She seems more intent to push her brother off it, to put it lightly.
49. “A child isn’t always fibbing when he doesn’t tell the truth,” said Elsie the Borden Cow.
Seems like Elsie and her unnaturally bovine family seem to live under the constant cloud of Elmer the Bull’s unquenchable anger. Seems like the cops will be here with a social worker in 10 minutes time.
50. Jayson Sportswear is the ultimate shirt for every occasion.
I’m sure Jerry and Larry shared a lot of intimate moments in the men’s locker room as well as a passionate love that dare not speak its name.
51. While General Mills had the Jolly Green Giant for their frozen vegetables, Stokely’s had this kid.
Yeah, this boy’s green beans are basically a side for the real main course, the Donner Party special. Seriously, this boy makes me not want to eat my vegetables ever again.
52. Americtex fabric is great for pajamas.
I’m sure Gary and Danny are spending a nice quiet morning at home as all so-called “roommates” do now and then.
53. “Let the tide take her. I won’t.” Because she has a case of halitosis.
Now dumping a girl over bad breath? Really, that’s something you’d see off Seinfeld. I mean how shallow can these guys get in these ads? Sure it’s for Listerine but still.
54. Universal Pajamas….styled for sleep.
And it seems that these two men are looking at some sort of brochure. Planning a vacation together I suppose? Hope people don’t get the wrong idea.
55. On business trips these days, you got to make every minute count. So that’s why O. J. Simpson chooses Hertz.
Let’s hope Hertz didn’t rent him that Bronco he used to try to escape the cops after killing his wife and her boyfriend. Yes, you can see why I couldn’t pass this one up.
56. Roy Rogers heads west on the Pennsylvania Railroad.
I don’t know about you but I don’t think the guy behind this ad had his head screwed on that tight when he came up with the idea of having Roy Rogers with a train between his legs. Yeah, kind of stirs many phallic notions, doesn’t it?
57. Men, aim for sleep and comfort with these one of a kind nightshirts.
I’m sure trying to revive nightshirts in the 1970s really didn’t go so well for whoever advertised this. Seriously, these guys look stupid in them, especially in a diamond pattern. They more or less resemble hospital gowns if you ask me.
58. Ivory Soap: the kind you wash yourself with during a communal bath.
Yes, I’m sure there’s nothing overtly homoerotic about this scene of naked guys congregating together to wash up. Nothing gay at all (sarcasm).
59. Not sure if this kid is eating Franco American pasta or blood soaked entrails.
From the creepy look on this ginger freckled boy’s face, it could be just about anything. Also, why does he have hotdogs beside him? Seriously, why?
60. So whatever happens in the Pacific stays in the Pacific.
Seems like the Pacific Island natives aren’t pleased with the American GIs frolicking with tropical brain fever. Still, there’s a lot of homoerotic subtext I can’t even list here.
61. Ivory Soap: The kind men use during a group shower in the men’s locker room.
Okay, is that somebody’s butt in the background? And is that guy just staring at his naked ass? Seriously, seems like men’s showers are an awkward experience, especially in vintage ads.
62. Baby’s first milestone of eating Campbell’s Soup for the first time. Mmmmmm….salt.
Of course, this might be a baby picture of a potential demon child or serial killer in the making. Seriously, it could almost be Hannibal Lecter in his infancy.
63. When a woman’s five, she needs love.
However, I think this girl needs something more imminent like a soul. From the look in her eyes, she’s basically dead inside.
64. Be really refreshed….graduate to Coke or so says the Wolf of Wall Street.
Still, this boy carrying this boy’s books and Coke six pack should probably stop doing the letterman a-hole’s homework and have some fun for a change.
65. Develop a child’s mind, play video games.
Yeah, now we’re bombarded with how video games rot a child’s brain with all the sex and violence in Grand Theft Auto which is rated M for Mature.
66. Bald guys, this kind of hat can help regrow your hair in just 30 days.
However, it comes with major side effects such as looking like a complete idiot in public. Seriously, guys, someone’s going to think you’re part of some cult with that thing on.
67. Moms depend on pork like kids depend on moms. Hmmm…interesting.
I’m sure they’re talking about sausage variety here. I mean the kind of meat you make with a pig’s muscle and entrails. Yeah, I’m sure the other kind is what dads are for.
68. The best things in life come from cellophane.
Maybe, but I’m sure that wrapping your baby in one isn’t great parenting advice. I mean it’s bound to suffocate them which makes the ad ever more disturbing.
69. No kid loves anything more than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.
I don’t know about this girl. She seems less excited for a PB&J and more consumed with bloodlust and murder. Stay away from her at your own risk.
70. Make every morning a Smirnoff morning.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think having a cigarette and vodka for breakfast is a good sign. Rather I think if you can’t go without a drink before 5 pm, you probably have a drinking problem.