Since I did my two posts on book covers, I could never imagine they would yield me 3,322 views and 266 views respectively. Whether it be books with strange titles and inappropriate cover images or what not, some of the strangest stuff out there somehow gets published. Of course, with some of these covers, you have to wonder whether it’s coming from a vanity publisher that takes anything for a fee, is self-published, or what the hell are these publishers thinking. And if they’re classics, well, when you take a peek at some noticeably inappropriate cover designs, you might want to scratch your head wondering whether they actually read the book or know what the whole story is all about. Then there are some books out there with cover images that might tell you to stay the hell away from the book if your life depends on it. I mean a book suggesting a romance between a woman and a horse may incite readers for the wrong reasons since the concept is just so wrong. So without further adieu, here are some more questionable book cover choices for your reading pleasure. Seriously, you have to see these.
1. Stand Your Ground: The Biblical Foundation for Self-Defense by Steve Jones
Because no old lady with sunglasses should ever leave her home without her Holy Bible and handgun. Sure there’s the thing with “turn the other cheek” but for God’s sake, this is America, goddammit!
Includes a forward by George Zimmerman.
2. Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow by D. T. Hobbs
If it wasn’t for the title, you wouldn’t think it had anything Christian about it. Seriously, when you see pictures of beaches, pools, and sea front stores, do you think of Jesus? No, you think about going on vacation.
Man, this Christian devotional sure has a great cover image of pools and beach fronts.
3. Melanie’s Marvelous Measles by Stephanie Messenger
And I thought a children’s book promoting open carry was bad. This is just seriously fucking insane! I mean there’s nothing awesome getting measles whatsoever! For the love of God, vaccinate your kids! I mean if you’re so worried about your kid having Autism that you’re willing to expose them to potentially fatal childhood diseases, there’s just something fucking wrong with you! I’m sorry, but I’d rather have an Autistic child than a dead child. Seriously, Autism isn’t nearly as bad as having measles.
Or the kind of children’s book for the anti-vaxxer parent to tell their kids, “Enjoy getting measles, kiddos, which might kill you and leave you blind. But, hey, at least you won’t get Autism, which is caused by vaccination.”
4. Demonectomy by Dennis Melton
This would’ve come in handy in a lot horror movies that involves demon possession. And it seems like this guy really needs it. By the way, the guy has his own website all about it.
Finally, book to teach you how to perform your own exorcisms.
5. But…You’re a Horse by David Bussell
Now this bestiality romance novel seems to give the notion of “horseplay” a whole new meaning. Even freakier is that the horse has human hands and might’ve had some Minotaur style conception story.
Charity’s and Sugarloaf’s forbidden love was a real hay ride that could never be tamed in the stable.
6. Herovit’s World by Barry N. Malzberg
Of course, these sci-fi covers can be pretty trippy. Still, I’m not sure whether I’m more surprised with a maneating typewriter on it or just a typewriter. Then again, it seems to come from the 1980s.
Man, I had no idea that we’ll have man eating typewriters in the future.
7. My Best Meat Recipes
From that woman’s face, I’d rather pass the chance of having dinner with her. Her expression reads she might have you in mind as a main course.
Finally, a perfect companion for The Art of Fine Dining by Dr. Hannibal Lecter.
8. A Song for Lya and Other Stories by George R. R. Martin
Man, I’d hate to want to know what all the sky of mouths is all about. Must be a trippy sight even for Westeros and kind of scary, too. Maybe Game of Thrones is a step better than this, at least according to the covers.
From the author of the fantasy series that brings you great characters before killing them, here is his collection of science fiction stories from the 1980s.
9. Bounce the Balls & They Will Come by Betty Wiseman
Now while this might be the kind of inspirational story Bible Belt Christians know and love in their saccharine media stories, the title is just so hard to make me take this book seriously.
Finally, a perfect Christian sports devotional for one’s basketball loving nephew who will be so disappointed after opening it.
10. Experiencing Bible Science: A Lab Book for the Young at Heart by Louise Barrett Derr
Actually my mistake. It’s actually a “science” activity book catered to 10-14 year olds. The fact it probably advocates creationism isn’t a surprise. As a Catholic I believe that God created the universe, world, and life over billions of years and through His great miracles of evolution by natural selection and the Big Bang. This book is pseudoscientific bullshit at best.
Basically, this seems like the kind of science lab textbooks you’d see at Bob Jones University.
11. Precious Princess Bible
Basically this company thinks that put a pink cover with sparkles on it and girls will instantly buy. Nevertheless, at least there are some great female heroes in this like Jael who got a guy drunk and drove a tent peg in his head.
Just like a regular Bible, but with the kind of cover suitable for young girls.
12. Saving Marriage by Applying Biblical Wisdom by Drs. Trevor and Edith Fraser
Seriously, having a fist is basically the last thing you want on a cover pertaining to saving your marriage. It kind of gives the idea that you advocate spousal abuse as a viable solution, which it certainly is not.
Uh, I’m not sure depicting a fist was a great cover choice for this one. You don’t want to get the wrong idea.
13. I Sing the Body Electric by Ray Bradbury
Man, that seems like a cross between a centaur with humans on his hands that resemble him. Now this makes me wonder if Ray Bradbury was on some psychedelic drugs when he thought this would make a great idea for a cover.
Don’t get me wrong, this is supposed to be a great book. However, I think Bradbury’s cover designer got a little carried away with the photoshop on this one.
14. Junkie: Confessions of an Unredeemed Addict by William Lee (William S. Burroughs)
Now this is a book by William S. Burroughs that focuses on his life as a heroin user and dealer during the 1940s. However, the cover seems like some bad shit’s about to go down.
By looking at the cover, I can’t tell whether this is an intervention, drug pushing, murder, or sexual assault.
15. Bread Sculpture: The Edible Art by Ann Wiseman
Now this book has a wide range of bread sculptures in it such as the ladybugs and dinosaurs. However, there are also ones that involve naked people which are just so disturbing. And they even have pubes, yes, bread pubes. Not to mention, it gives the word “doughnut” a whole new meaning.
For those who love erotica and hot crossed buns, this book is for you.
16. “Help Lord – the Devil Wants Me Fat!” by C. S. Lovett
As if dieting books were already bad enough when it comes to fat shaming. This book basically says that overeating and obesity are the work of Satan. And that the only way to lose weight is to stop eating for several days and spend mealtimes away from your family. Seriously.
Now you can trim your way to a healthy body through the Lord.
17. If the Devil Made You Do It, You Blew It! (But It Doesn’t Need to Happen Again) by Lorraine Peterson
Yes, this is a teen devotional with it’s cheesy mandatory diversity photo from the 1980s. However, I suggest a picture of the temptation of Faust by Mephistopheles would be far more appropriate than this.
Now if you had the word, “Devil” on the cover, I’m not sure having a stock photo with happy diverse kids is an appropriate cover image.
18. Die You Doughnut Bastards by Cameron Pierce
Excerpt from Amazon. com: “The bacon storm is rolling in. We hear the grease and sugar beat against the roof and windows. The doughnut people are attacking. We press close together, forgetting for a moment that we hate each other.” Still, I’m sure seeing zombie doughnuts on the cover may remind some people of their horrible acid trip at Krispy Kreme.
Of course, this book might scare you out staying clear from Dunkin’ Doughnuts from now on.
19. Eight Men and a Lady by Elizabeth Sinclair
I’m sure looking at all the guys’ hats on the cover you might be expecting an orgy with Snow White, the Prince, and the seven dwarfs. Please, I don’t want to imagine it.
Seems to go on the same story line as “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” but with far more sex.
20. Daggers of Darkness by Steve Jackson and Joe Livingstone
Now this looks dangerous. Doesn’t help that he has a nasty mace that could rip his eye out. But I’m not sure if the cover artist cared.
Because nothing draws in adolescent boys than a bald guy waterskiing on his sabertooth tigers with his hawk friend.
21. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Yeah, Mr. Darcy sure is dangerous all right (sarcasm). Still, Darcy’s actually all right once you get to know him. But I’m not sure why this cover should depict him as a young Colin Firth with chest hair. Not sure if I want to see his Fitzwilliam.
Parents, lock your daughters, for bad boy Mr. Darcy is in town!
22. King Arthur’s Knights by Henry Gilbert
Seriously, how can someone mistake a couple of Indian horsemen as King Arthur’s knights. For God’s sake, King Arthur is a medieval English king! He may not be real but, still. These two guys look like they’re in the service of Geronimo.
No, I’m sure Medieval England didn’t look like a New Mexican desert.
23. The Lost Princess of Oz by L. Frank Baum
This woman is Charlotte Bronte who’s best known for writing Jane Eyre during the early Victorian Era of the 19th century. She died of some disease at 38 in 1855 while pregnant, which was the year before L. Frank Baum was even born. So her presence on an Oz book doesn’t make any damn sense.
For the love of God what the hell is a Bronte sister doing on an Oz book cover?
24. Saturday Morning Mind Control by Phil Phillips
Now this book is certainly for Christian audiences that says the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a cult while the Care Bears are about non Christian attitudes and beliefs. Yes, Saturday morning cartoons are brainwashing our children as we speak! That doesn’t even mention that watching Casper and the Smurfs will prepare kids for the occult. Nevertheless, this book is written by a guy who really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Remember, parents, don’t let your kids watch Saturday morning cartoons or else Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will zap them through the TV with his cosmic rays.
25. All That the Rain Promises and More…: A Hip Pocket Guide to Western Mushrooms by Dave Arora
Yeah, I think this trombonist seems like he wants to poison somebody. Maybe it’s the concert master for disappointing him that the his instrument doesn’t get the melody part in “Seventy-Six Trombones.”
I don’t know about you but from the look at the guy’s face, I’m not sure if I want to eat that.
26. Life and Public Services of John Quincy Adams by William H. Seward
Now this is a book about the 6th President of the United States who also had an illustrious political career. And it was written by William Seward who was Lincoln’s Secretary of State responsible for buying Alaska. So why the hell are there moai statues on the cover? They’re in South America, goddammit!
Since what do the moai statues in Easter Island have anything to do with the life of John Quincy Adams?
27. Wrestling for Gay Guys by Donald Black
Okay, that looks kind of gay. Then again, after watching Foxcatcher, you wonder if wrestling is such a manly sport that the movie might have some homoerotic undertones.
Finally a book for all the gay wrestlers out there.
28. In the Heart of Africa by Sir Samuel White Baker
Now even if you haven’t read this or even heard of this book, anyone who knows the slightest bit about Africa should know that it doesn’t look like the freaking Himalayas.
I don’t remember reading about Africa and hearing about its snowcapped peaks and Mongol hordes, not to be critical.
29. Wessex Tales by Thomas Hardy
What’s even more disturbing is that this image might be taken off from Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. Now I’d wonder what 19th century Victorian author Thomas Hardy would’ve thought of “Sweet Child of Mine.”
No, this isn’t a book about Slash. Sorry, Guns n’ Roses fans.
30. Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
Now Moll Flanders is not the kind of book you’d want your daughter to read if she’s younger than 12 so to speak. I mean Moll Flanders is a con woman and a prostitute who’s married 5 times, sleeps with her brother, abandons her kids, and other things. Definitely not a role model for your daughter.
I’m sorry but I’m sure Daniel Defoe’s heroine wasn’t a Viking warrior princess.
31. Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle
Seriously, androids didn’t exist in the late 19th century. And this guy doesn’t even seem dressed as a Victorian. So why he’s on the cover of a Sherlock Holmes book just beats me.
Hey, Sherlock Holmes wasn’t an android. Does this guy think there’s a story called “The Search for the Missing Terminator”?
32. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson
Now Treasure Island takes place in the 17th century during the Golden Age of Piracy. Sure it’s not really an accurate piece about pirates since they didn’t bury treasure. However, Stevenson makes no mention of bicycles in the text, which weren’t invented until the late 19th century. By then, Stevenson was dead.
There’s supposed to be a ship on the cover not of two people cycling in the rain for God’s sake!
33. Ass Goblins of Auschwitz by Cameron Pierce
Now despite the creature being as creepy as hell, this book is hard to take seriously once you see the word, “ass” in the title. I mean ass goblins, seriously?
Nazi goblins with the chests of a human posterior. Must’ve been written on drugs.
34. Merlin’s Ring by H. Warner Munn
Of course, you probably don’t want to run into these animals in the park anytime soon. Swans are quite mean but a fire breathing one? Yeah, only cool for awhile until they’re coming after you.
Now a fire breathing dragon is one thing. A fire breathing swan? Don’t know what to think of that.
35. Joined at Birth: The Lives of Cojoined Twins by Elaine Landau
Yes, cojoined twins are out there and I’m sure there’s nothing horrifying about this book. But the cover, maybe you’d wonder whether they should’ve hired a different illustrator.
Now I know we should accept cojoined twins but still, this cover is creepy.
36. The Right to Arm Bears by Gordon R. Dickson
Man, maybe we should e-mail our congressmen to increase funding for the National Park Service. I really have a bad feeling about the Grizzly uprising against campers in the western National Parks come tourist season.
Look out, all you hikers out there, Sergeant Grizz is going commando. Give him all your food or else he’d nail you with his AK-47.
37. Nights of the Living Hell by Deborah Barton
Now that kind of looks like the covered bridge near where I live. And I don’t remember it having fangs and red eyes, which are obviously drawn for the cover.
Seems like this Covered Bridge of Death is hungry for cars and pedestrians.
38.The Nuclear War Fun Book
Includes ideas for games like Mark the Mutant, Connect the Craters, Radioactive Tag, and Body Count. Has a History Mystery Quiz and Paper Doll Nuclear Wardrobe. Also includes tips for a fallout shelter library and pharmacy. Yes, this is the book for your kids to do while their whole world is incinerated by a nuclear apocalypse.
In case your kids get bored during the upcoming nuclear holocaust, this is the educational activity book for them.
39. Tales of Chinatown by Sax Rohmer
This is mad King Ludwig II’s fairytale Neuschwanstein Castle in Southwest Bavaria, Germany. There is absolutely nothing Chinese about this very European structure. So putting a cover on a book about Chinatown absolutely makes no sense whatsoever.
Hey, that doesn’t look anything like Chinese architecture. Seems like Rohmer’s Yellow Peril stereotypes based on wild misinformation.
40. Gladiator At-Law by Frederick Pohl and C. M. Kornbluth
And here is the guy on the computer with his shirt ripped who can’t watch. But from how I see it, it seems way lamer than The Hunger Games.
Nothing says science fiction like scantily clad guys fighting each other to the death with lightsabers.
41. How to Land a Top Paying Pierogie Maker’s Job by Ashley McFadden
Now if it wasn’t for the title, I would’ve saw it as a book on how to get a job. Seriously, it just looks so generic, it could be about anything. At least a pierogie picture would’ve made sense.
Now if you have a book about being a pierogie maker, shouldn’t there be a pierogie on the cover? Just saying.
42. Black Redneck vs. Space Zombies by Steven Roy
“Say hello, to my lady Sweet Lorraine, you motherfuckers.” Black redneck cowboy firing his pistol at space zombies. Now I’ve seen everything.
Now it seems only D’Angelo “Tex” Wallace can only save the day from the savage zombie apocalypse from outer space.
43. Rodent Mutation by Bron Lee
Man, didn’t these people know that beavers are actually vegetarians, not man eating monsters. Still, other than its size, the giant beavers don’t seem that scary at all. I mean what’s the worst they could do? Build a dam?
Ahh! There are giant beavers in the woods! Run for your lives!
44. To Your Scattered Bodies Go by Philip Jose Farmer
Now I don’t know what’s creepier about the cover: the naked man with the strategically placed award sticker or the guy on the floating platform with the top hat and cane.
Now that’s a strategically placed award sticker. Right on his crotch.
45. Han Solo’s Revenge by Brian Daley
Han Solo may always shoot first. But it appears that Chewie might be out for blood by the expression his face and how he’s holding his gun.
More like Chewbacca’s Revenge to me.
46. Stress Pattern by Neal Barrett Jr.
From the description, it’s said the phallic thing is actually called a “worm way” which is a subway in this book’s bizarre universe. Also, seems one the humans is wearing a tin hat to keep safe from the aliens.
Wonder if that stress pattern is a sci-fi novel about erectile dysfunction.
47. The M. D. She Had to Marry by Christine Rimmer
Seems like nothing says romance than having to marry a sexy doctor in a shotgun wedding after he knocked you up after a one night stand. Of course, it’s a fantasy.
The baby with the engagement ring is a clear strangulation hazard.
48. Timepivot by Brian N. Ball
Art must’ve been inspired by Dali, Magritte, or brown acid. Seems like the Galactic Federation has some explaining to do.
Seems like this beach beauty is all ear and nose. Also, what’s with the floating eyeball?
49. Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
Okay, seems like these two may be on a deserted island. But I don’t see how this nude rape scene has anything to do with being stranded on a deserted island that doesn’t seem to have any women around.
I haven’t read the book but I’m sure that there aren’t any white women in it, let alone rape.
50. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Sorry, all you raging hormonal adolescent boys out there, but this isn’t a book about a courageous nude saving a bunch of bodacious babes from Martian cities.
Now this is a book pertaining to an alleged utopian society where people’s social roles are determined while they’re test tube babies. But you wouldn’t know it by the cover.
51. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Then again, Frankenstein’s Monster on this cover seems to have an emo thing going on. Maybe he should stop worrying about trying to win Victor’s love and join a hair metal band.
It’s one thing to be a hideous monster revived by dead tissue and electricity. But how did Frankenstein’s monster manage to find a hair stylist who would take him?
52. Where’s the Poop? by Julie Markes and illustrated by Kathleen Susan Hartung
Then again, children do poop so there’s no excuse not to write a children’s book about it. Of course, we all know that the animals see no need of indoor plumbing and flush toilets.
Now we all can guess that, at least when it comes to people.
53. West of January by Dave Duncan
Now I know that Orcas are among the Oceans’ top predators, they’re also seen as adorable animals which makes this cover hard to take seriously.
Some near nude guys surf on tigers, others on killer whales.
54. The Far Arena by Richard Ben Sapir
Now I’m sure the naked gladiator is totally shitting himself right as he sees the large mysterious flying object in the sky that resembles no bird he’s ever seen.
Can anyone tell me why there’s a large jet aircraft flying over ancient Rome?
55. Strip Mauled edited by Esther Friesner
I’m sure Mr. Werewolf and Ms. Vampire wouldn’t act so polite while at tea. Also, I wonder why the vampire lady is dressed like she has a second job at the ye Olde Transylvania strip club.
Who figured that on a night like this all your fantasy horror creatures would have a midnight tea social?
56. Slave Ship by Frederik Pohl
Of course, I’m not sure why an orangutan and a seal are in the picture either. Still, seems like this guy is listening to his CD while giving the animals directions. Hardly a situation in humans in chattel.
Well, being on a slave ship doesn’t seem that bad if there’s a puppy involved.
57. The Gay Old Boys of Yale! A Book of Wit and Humor: Showing the Scrapes and Escapes of College Life (1869) by John Denison Vose
Guess the only gay action in this book involves rich guys randomly hooking up with each other after a boozy fest at their frats. I’m sure 1869 would have no shortage of that. Then again, the title is still pretty funny.
Too bad this volume of the Gay Old Boys of Yale doesn’t include Cole Porter who often pops into my mind when I hear about LGBT Yale alumni.
58. The Pocket Book of Boners: An Omnibus of School Boy Howlers and Unconscious Humor illustrated by Dr. Seuss
Of course, when this title referred to “boners” I’m sure they didn’t mean “erections” but I’m sure no adolescent school boy wouldn’t want to have one during class.
“Boners,” “unconscious humor” I wonder what dirty stuff that would entail?
59. Images You Should Not Masturbate To
Still, I don’t know why anyone would jerk off to a naked old guy wielding an ax on the water. I don’t see how such an image can turn anyone on in any way.
Yes, that would be an image nobody should masturbate to. I think we can all agree on that.
60. Make Your Own Sex Toys
However, if you chose to make a wooden dildo, remember that there’s a chance for splinters if you don’t varnish them. Seriously, I’d hate to see the stuff they make in this one.
Because why go and buy expensive sex toys at the naughty shop when you can make your own?