The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 15, 2016

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Yes, I know Valentine’s Day is only a month away but it’s not one of my favorite holidays, except when it pertains to blogging about it. And posting about vintage valentines are one of these reasons since they get a lot of views during this time. So it helps that I start as early as possible. Nevertheless, when we think of Valentines Day, we tend to think of cutesy things like hearts, love, candy, and other things pertaining to this massively commercialized holiday. Another feature on Valentine’s are well, valentines, which have existed since this holiday was around. As I said some time before, when some people think of vintage valentines, they tend to think about cutesy cards like the one I showed above. Yes, it has a quote from the Bible but I’d put it on there anyway if I didn’t. Now I could show you all the lovely vintage valentines on this post. But as before you’d find them drab and bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show you more of some of the vintage valentines that make you want to scratch your head and wonder why the hell did they exist. So for your reading pleasure, I present to you some more crazy valentines from yesterday.

This lady has a Valentine’s Day offering from her boyfriend.

Yes, you may wonder how she managed to snag a guy in the first place. However, perhaps it’s not our place to judge even though she kind of does seem like the kind of woman who’d put children in an oven.

2. Nothing shows the spirit of Valentine’s Day than a clown about to shoot himself.

Hey, man, just because she turned you down, doesn’t mean you have to end it all. It’s probably not your fault. Seriously, you need help.

3. “The blood tastes like love, I play it a song while it bleeds!”

And from the look at this boy’s face, I suspect that he’ll be on his way to become a future neighborhood psychokiller. Avoid him like the plague.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than sending your sweetheart a card stealthily asking her for sex.

Yes, I know what “yank my doodle means.” And no, I really don’t want to know whether it’s a dandy. Really don’t want to know.

5. “You can’t put the ‘fire’ in my heart for you!”

Seems like there’s a fire between the girl’s legs and despite her dress about to be burnt, she seems quite excited at the boy having his hose up that’s spraying water everywhere. Now that doesn’t look right.

6. “I don’t….’aim’ to miss – I want you for my valentine!”

Yes, nothing looks better on a valentine than an image of a smoking gun. You know, something that was made to kill stuff with the pull of a trigger. Not sure if that’s appropriate for romance.

7. You can’t have cuter valentine than one of a cute witch cooking a bunch of hearts in a cauldron.

Guys, take note, if this cute witch asks for a potion of your love, you give it to her, please. Otherwise, you might end up like the others who refused her. Look in the pot.

8. Wood you be a valentine for this eager beaver?

For a rather wholesome animal, they tend to be featured on rather dirty valentines. This one is no exception, especially since the eager beaver is female and asks for wood.

9. This butcher will “stake” his heart on you.

And there he goes gleefully raising his cleaver as he cuts some meat on a wooden table. Yes, butcher themed valentines are rather disturbing to say the least.

10. “Don’t be cross, ‘gas’ who it is?”

I don’t know. Some terrifying battlefield nurse with a very inappropriate bedside manner? That’s the impression I get from this.

11. On Valentine’s Day, he’s going hunting to find a fine valentine like you.

I don’t know about you, but I’d avoid this boy with a vengeance even if he does have a box of chocolates. Seriously, that look in his eyes makes him seem like he has murder on the mind. Or he just may be an “excitable boy” (in the Warren Zevon context).

12. The Devil knows that you’ll have a hot time with him on Valentine’s Day.

Then again, I might want to take a pass on this satyr boy from hell. He just looks evil if you ask me. Then again, you should expect that from Satan.

13. Of course, nothing brings out the wholesome romantic spirit of Valentines Day than a date with ice cream.

Okay, that’s probably the most phallic ice cream cone I’ve ever seen. Yes, it’s a double header. all right, but it resembles some guy’s junk. Some guy’s junk, I tell you.

14. This bunny is loaded with love for you.

This bunny is also carrying a loaded shotgun that’s just discharged. Let’s just say this little gun toting rabbit just failed Gun Safety 101.

15. “Just say you’ll be my valentine and watch me ‘lap it up.'”

Okay, that’s not the kind of relationship anyone should have with their canine companions. Seriously, why anyone think that this card was a good idea? Why?

16. This Valentine’s Day feature: Dickie’s Romance.

A dickie t’ween you and me. I think I get the message on that one. Yet, I’m not sure if he’s talking about the movie or something else.

17. This firefighter is burning to know hose valentine are you.

Again with the fireman motifs. Still, if she says it’s not him, is the firefighter going to leave so she’ll burn to a crisp? That’s what I’m wondering.

18. “Valentine, ‘house’ my chance to ‘nail’ you for mine?”

This boy seems to have such an innocent face for an outright pervert. Yeah, this is a pretty dirty valentine asking to get some.

19. “I’m cock sure you’re meant to be my valentine!”

Not sure if the kid was being wholesome. But the moment when you see the word, “cock.” you’re bound to imagine what’s the nature of his intentions.

20. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like forcing yourself onto the object of your affections.

Uh, I don’t know about you. But I think “steal a hug” might qualify as sexual harassment since it’s totally unwanted. And he’s basically saying that he’s coming on to her whether she wants him or not. How romantic! Yeah right.

21. If you like ’em smooth and slick, then he’s the guy you want to pick.

Is that the kid from the Big Boy restaurant chain? Man, has he grown. And he seems to be way more creepy than how I remember him.

22. “You can kick me around and I won’t mind, valentine!”

Translated: “You can treat me like crap all you want but I don’t care.” Seems like such sender either is so desperate for a valentine and has no self-esteem or is a masochist. So maybe you shouldn’t lead with that.

23. “You ‘strike’ me just right, my valentine!”

Clearly, this doesn’t seem like a foundation to a healthy relationship. Sure she hit the ball that gave him a black eye by accident, but still. It’s pretty disturbing.

24. “I’m out to get you for my valentine.”

Great, I’ll be under my bed. Couldn’t possibly see anything more romantic than having my life threatened into being your valentine (sarcasm).

25. “You’re my target so be my valentine.”

Okay, so is this supposed to be a friendly request or a death threat? So I guess this guy is going to vaporize me if I say no? Brilliant!

26. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a circus clown scaring the bejesus out of you.

Hey, at least she only saw the spider. Still, I think the clown above is even more terrifying looking. If I were her, I’d just say no way in hell.

27. “I’m axin’ you to be my valentine.”

I don’t think “axin'” is the right word here. Still, I think I’d be scared of this kid getting a hold of an ax. Seriously, I’d be afraid of him chopping me into little pieces as I sleep.

28. There’s nothing more romantic on Valentine’s Day than a guy holding you at gunpoint.

Yes, he may be a detective like you see in the old movies. But I really wouldn’t go for him since he appears to have a gun pointed right at you. Doesn’t really help if you’re looking for love.

29. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day worthwhile than a passionate embrace.

For some reason, this picture reminds me less of passionate romance and more of the time when Adrien Brody won for Best Actor at the Oscars. But I think Halle Berry took it surprisingly better than the guy in question in this card.

30. “It’ll be monstrous, valentine, if you won’t be mine.”

Okay, I think this might mean that Frankie’s not the kind of guy who takes rejection well. And that’s not good. Really not good.

31. “My Valentine, I’m pan-handling for your love.”

Now this pan headed woman is bound to cause anyone nightmares. Seriously, those eyes and that smile seem incredibly freaky that it’s scary.

32. This Valentine’s Day, tell your sweetheart how you really want it.

Yes, she seems to be a rather demure kind of girl. But had she lived around these days, I’d bet any money that she’d be a huge fan of 50 Shades of Grey. Kind of disturbing if you think about it.

33. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nobody wants to be in the dog house.

Now it’s one thing to be sent to the dog house. But it’s insane that there’s a valentine depicting a kid being tied up in a dog house like a dog. Seriously, that’s crazy.

34. “The ‘bare fact’ is I want you for my valentine.”

Uh, how old is this girl supposed to be? Because I don’t think her appearing naked like this is appropriate for a valentine. I could be wrong.

35. You know what’s a great Valentine’s Day ride? A steamroller.

“Well, I’m a steamroller, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./Yes, I’m a steamroller now, baby, I’m bound to roll all over you./I’m gonna inject your soul with some sweet rock ‘n roll and shoot you full of rhythm and blues.” Still, I’d clear the ground before he rolls along.

36. “I’ll be ‘burned’ up, if you won’t be my valentine.”

Does anyone think that tying yourself on a stake and setting yourself on fire a incredibly crazy? So why is there such image on a valentine. Seriously, why? That’s insane.

37. There’s nothing so romantic on Valentine’s Day than being robbed at gunpoint.

Sorry, man, but I don’t think committing daylight armed robberies is a great way to pick up chicks. Don’t mean to put you down. Just telling you like it is.

38. When it comes to sending a valentine, Disney is always a good choice.

Just make sure that they aren’t old Disney valentines. Because the old Mickey and Minnie here are utterly horrifying. And no, I don’t want Mickey to come down to earth.

39. “Please take stock in what I say – I want you for my valentine.”

Okay, this isn’t as bad as the girl being burned at the stake. But still, it’s pretty messed up. Why the hell they thought it was a good idea, I’ll never know.

40. “Tain’t so screwy, my love is permanent, be my valentine.”

To be fair, women had their hair done like this back in the day. However, nowadays, it seems to resemble some terrifying sci-fi torture device.

41. “I’d like to hog you for my valentine so….don’t squeal on me!”

Hate to squeal about this one, but this pig is terrifying. Seriously, it seems like it wants to extract some kind of evil ploy on the farmers who killed its family.

42. “Scrubbed so clean you’ll be my queen, valentine.”

For the love of God, whoever designed a creepy card like this would sure as hell be on some list of sex offenders as we speak. Seriously, this card is so inappropriate on so many levels it’s not even funny. Why the hell did they think it was a good idea? Why?

43. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day more romantic than your cannibalistic girlfriend cooking you alive.

I think for most people this would be rather nightmarish. But this guy doesn’t seem to mind as long as he gets to look at her boobs.

44. “You’re good enough to eat, valentine.”

Of course, this isn’t the kind of compliment you’d want to receive from a big hungry cat. Because for all you know, they might seriously think of devouring you.

45. “I’ll purr-sue you always, my valentine.”

Okay, this is the kind of girl you’d want to avoid. Might want to call for a restraining order if she’s ever into you. Still, I really feel bad for that cat. Poor thing.

46. When it comes to valentines, people also like receiving presents with them.

I’m sure it would be nothing that this creepy boy has in his packages. Because for all we know, they could be beating hearts of all the girls whom he murdered after they rejected his advances.

47. “Ain’t love a swell condition? I caught it from you.”

Yeah, but having a bandage around your head sure isn’t. Besides, it kind of makes this kid look a bit freaky if you ask me.

48. You can’t have Valentine’s Day without including its cherubic mascot Cupid.

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And it seems like he’s preparing for some sort of home invasion as I see it. He even has a stash of arrows, a sack of hearts, and a gun. Why he’s like this, I have no idea.

49. “You’ll missile – lot if you won’t be my valentine.”

Nevertheless, kid, hold that missile long enough and I’m sure you’ll be blown from here to kingdom come. Seriously, that doesn’t look safe by any stretch of the imagination.

50. When it comes to Valentine’s Day, nothing can be more spectacular than seeing hearts in the sky.

Though with hearts flying into a spider web, I beg to differ. Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if this valentine was brought to you by somebody’s drug-induced hallucination trip.

Vintage Celebrity Endorsements from the Days of Old

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 9, 2016

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Since the NFL playoffs are major events on television this time of year, it’s no surprise that sponsors tend to air a flow of commercials during these games, many of which you probably have never seen before. Now many of these tend to pertain to food, cars, alcoholic beverages, and boner pills. But some don’t. Nevertheless, it’s not unusual that you might see plenty of products endorsed by celebrities sort of like, “Buy this product because I use it and I think it’s great. And I’m famous enough that you’ll trust my judgement.” You might not know this but the practice of product promotion through celebrity endorsement has been around for a very long time. How long?, you may ask. Well, let’s just that Roman gladiators endorsed products like today’s professional athletes. But why would anyone listen to a celebrity on something like food or hair care products? I don’t know. But I do know that people listen to celebrities, perhaps more than they should. I mean if it wasn’t for Jenny McCarthy saying that vaccines cause autism (which isn’t true at all by the way as several studies have shown), some people wouldn’t be as skeptical of vaccines as they are (which isn’t a good thing, honestly). Nevertheless, I can show you some of the great vintage celebrity endorsement ads out there. But you’d probably be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show some of the more questionable ones, some of which don’t have the same impact as they did upon release. Others make you shake your head for an explanation. So without further adieu, I present to you some crazy celebrity endorsements from yesteryear. There’s a chance you might not know a lot of these people.

After a show, the legendary jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong likes to relax to Camel cigarettes.

Uh, Louis, as a jazz trumpet player, you work a lot with your lungs which is apparent in photos. So I don’t think relaxing to Camels may not be the best way to relax. Seriously, it’s not.

2. Rock Hudson sure likes to wrap around girls wearing Emba Mink.

Anyone who’s familiar with Rock Hudson’s sexual orientation would automatically see why this ad is hilarious. Seriously, I’m sure he’s totally faking it with that woman. I mean anyone who has any idea about who he was knows that he was more into the boys.

3. If Stevie Wonder could play video games, he’d play Atari.

Of course, Stevie Wonder doesn’t play video games because he’s as blind as a bat since birth. Seriously, how in the hell could anyone trust a blind guy’s judgement on video game consoles? Yes, he’s a Grammy award winning legend, but that doesn’t mean anything when it comes to video games. And I especially mean that if it pertains to an ad endorsed by a guy who can’t see a thing.

4. If Geoffrey Holder had hair, he’d use Vidal Sassoon for men.

I’m not sure who this guy is other than him being a bald black actor. However, when it comes to choosing a shampoo, who do you think I’d trust more a bald guy or Sasquatch? Answer is always going to be Sasquatch every time. Still, at least Troy Polamalu’s endorsements for Head and Shoulders actually make sense.

5. New York Yankees legend Babe Ruth likes to smoke Old Gold cigarettes after a big game.

Great job, Babe, that’s another way to be a bad influence among your young fans. Now I understand nobody thought anything about it at the time. But still, those Old Gold cigarettes can’t help your game.

6. When it comes to giving boxes of chocolates, Humphrey Bogart chooses Whitman’s.

Reading Bogart’s face in this ad, I don’t think he communicates an expression of thoughtfulness. Rather I think he’s trying to put on a straight face while wondering how the hell he got into this endorsement deal in the first place.

7. Sandra Dee always tans faster with Coppertone suntan lotion.

When it comes to suntan lotion, you don’t want something that gives you a faster and deeper tan. Because that’s followed by a faster and deeper burn. Also, is it just me, or does Sandra Dee look a bit like a Oompah Loompah?

8. Dolores Del Rio smokes Lucky Strikes and has her throat insured for $50,000.

Uh, I don’t know about you, Dolores, but I think quitting Lucky Strikes altogether is a better investment on your throat than a $50,000 insurance policy. After all, years of smoking killed Humphrey Bogart and George Harrison in their late 50s from throat cancer.

9. Fred MacMurray always enjoys the taste of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup.

Is it just me or does Fred MacMurray seem to have a psychokiller glint on his face? He just looks so terrifying as if he’s trying to hide his strong bloodlust behind his pearly white smile. Still, this guy wasn’t known for playing psychokillers. Having a romantic interest in psychokillers, yes. But that was just Double Indemnity.

10. When it comes to cigarette brands, legendary baseball player Jackie Robinson smokes Chesterfield.

Yeah, Jackie, way to go with encouraging kids to smoke. Just remember you’ll be an anti-drug crusader toward the end of your life and die of a heart attack at 53.

11. Dorothy Lamour always knows that Royal Crown Cola tastes better than all the others.

I don’t drink pop so I couldn’t care less about Dorothy Lamour’s soft drink preference. However, I am interested about where Dorothy Lamour gets her hair done. Is it somewhere in Whoville?

12. Liberate your eyes with Alice Cooper’s Whiplash unisex mascara.

Well, I think Alice Cooper having a unisex mascara line is actually appropriate. However, not sure what I think about him wearing shiny wrapping paper with electrical tape. That’s just weird.

13. Right Guard Sport Stick helps Hulk Hogan express his sensitive side.

Hulk Hogan achieved fame as a studio wrestler. I’m sure an ad showing him putting up a sweat in the ring would be more appropriate. So why they have him painting is beyond me.

14. Royal Crown Cola would like to congratulate on her Oscar win for Mildred Pierce.

I’m sure Joan Crawford will be a reliable spokeswoman for Royal Crown Cola’s product. That is, until a decade later when she marries the CEO of Pepsi. Also, didn’t have a great relationship with a couple of her kids.

15. Rock Hudson can always tell a Halo girl by the shine of her hair.

However, while Rock might admire a woman’s shiny Halo hair, he tends to go for the Halo guys. Seriously, Rock, we all know you did this ad while you were in the Hollywood celluloid closet.

16. Florida Orange Juice: the premiere citrus for 1970s homophobes.

This terrifying woman pouring orange juice is Anita Bryant, former Miss Oklahoma, pop singer, and the spokeswoman for the Florida Citrus Commission. However, she’s better known as an outspoken opponent of gay rights and her 1977, “Save Our Children” campaign. Today the gay community continues to regard her name synonymous with bigotry and homophobia.

17. Ed Sullivan takes his pictures with his Kodak Brownie 20.

I don’t know about you. But looking at this ad, I find the idea of having my picture taken by Ed Sullivan as a very disturbing ordeal. Seriously, he looks as if he’s up to no good.

18. For Donald Trump, Trump steaks are the world’s greatest steaks.

Of course, Donald Trump would think anything’s the best in the world if it has his name on it. Even his awful orange hamster hair. Still, for the love of God, please don’t vote for this guy for president. This man is a repulsive human being who feeds off the worst of humanity. Seriously, I really hate this guy.

19. On his boat with Lauren Bacall, Humphrey Bogart prefers to smoke cigarillos.

Yes, Humphrey Bogart smoked a lot in his life and movies, onscreen and off. Little did he know that all his years of smoking would lead to his death from throat cancer at 57. And it wasn’t a pleasant way to go either.

20. Ronald Reagan always prefers to smoke Chesterfields.

Guess he’s sure to regret doing that ad when he’s the US President during the 1980s. I mean didn’t his wife start a drug awareness campaign called, “Just Say No”? And here he is telling people to say, “yes” to smoking.

21. Arnold Schwarzenegger enjoys a V drink from Japan.

Man, Arnie seems to have had a horrendous taste in fashion during the 1980s. Wherever he got that outfit, I really don’t want to know.

22. Merle Oberon uses Tru-Color Lipstick for her lips.

You might not know that Merle Oberon was said to suffer damage to her complexion in the 1940s from a combination of cosmetic poisoning and an allergic reaction to sulfa drugs. It’s alleged that she went through some partially successful dermabrasion procedures. Let’s just say if she endorsed any cosmetics, I’d advise you to stay away from them.

23. These Major League Baseball players always want the very best. So they smoke Cheserfields.

Wonder how many of these guys died of smoker related illnesses like lung cancer and heart disease. Also, I really don’t think cigarettes could help their game.

24. It’s said that Vincent Price’s Chinese Chicken is inscrutably delicious.

Not sure if Vincent Price was a good cook. However, since he’s best known for playing horror movie villains, ask yourself, would you ever eat anything made by Vincent Price? Think about it.

25. For a square deal to your lungs, smoke Teddy cigarettes.

This one came from Norway so it’s unlikely Teddy Roosevelt ever smoked these (but he did smoke in real life like most men at the time). But the Norwegians seem to have an affinity for the man as you see here. Then again, he was an incredible badass.

26. Tyrone Power opts for milder Chesterfields.

Tyrone Power might’ve smoked Chesterfields but he also died suddenly of a massive heart attack at 44. Genetics might’ve been involved (his dad died at 62 and in his arms). But his smoking might’ve had something to do with it.

27. Spock doesn’t always drink beer. But when he does, he drinks Heineken.

Uh, Heineken, Vulcan ears don’t work that way. Also, I don’t think Vulcans drink alcohol. Then again, booze might come in handy whenever he’s going through Pon Farr.

28. Bill Cosby always enjoys Jello pudding pops.

For all we know, those pops could be filled with booze and roofies and aimed toward women he wants to knock out and rape. Just say no, when he offers you one. Seriously, just say no.

29. Howdy Doody’s favorite treat is marshmallow “crispy squares.”

For one, those are “Rice Krispie Treats,” to call them anything else is plain heresy for me. Second, Howdy Doody was a popular character from a children’s show, not some cowboy doll known to kill people in their sleep. Though I can see why people might make that mistake.

3o. Bill Cosby calculates with a TI-59 Programmable.

I wonder if Texas Instruments regrets this endorsement during the 1980s. You can say that about any company that’s used Bill Cosby as a spokesman.

31. Merle Oberon uses Pan Cake make up to look younger and lovelier.

Once again, Merle Oberon isn’t the best authority on make up products. Remember how I said she had cosmetic poisoning that ruined her skin complexion.

32. Sonny and Cher read the book that everyone’s talking about: The Bible.

Don’t really see Cher as religious. But I heard that while Sonny publicly identified as Roman Catholic, he had an interest in Scientology and took Scientology courses. He was also said to be kind of a jerk to Cher if you ask me.

33. Vincent Price always prefers Creamettes whenever he makes pasta.

Whenever Vincent Price makes pasta, you wonder whether anyone drops dead from poison. Or ends up in his special room of horrors. Seriously, I wouldn’t eat anything made by Vincent Price no matter how good of a cook he is.

34. When it comes to killing roaches, Muhammad Ali goes with d-Con Roach Traps since they kill without poison.

Apparently, the notion that Muhammad Ali will beat ’em up and not kill them doesn’t apply to roaches. To him, roaches are as good as dead.

35. Doris Day endorses the International Deluxe Series 56 Roller Compactor.

Doris Day was an actress and here she is on a steamroller. Which begs the question: how in the hell she’d know about steamrollers? The only people I’ve seen using them are PennDOT workers for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

36. Phillies Cigars present the Mickey Mantle Baseball Special.

Is it just me or does Mickey Mantle seem like he’s hiding something sinister in that glove? It’s almost like he wants kids to get these cigars for the cards and that they perish by smoking themselves to death.

37. For rich flavor, Dick Nolan smokes Camels.

I’m sure smoking Camels is going to help Nolan with his play on the field. All it will do is harden his arteries and clog his lungs with tar. Also doesn’t help that he plays for the Detroit Lions.

38. For Christmas, Sean Connery always enjoys the gift of Jim Beam bourbon.

I thought Sean Connery more or less enjoys martinis, shaken, not stirred. Then again, he’d probably go, “That’s not what your mother said” and act like his crass self on Celebrity Jeopardy.

39. Eddie Cantor likes to make whoopie and smoke Old Gold.

Uh, Eddie, I think you need to wash your face. Seriously, you really need to wash your face. Your blackface makeup is really causing riots among your black audiences. It’s virulently racist expression. For the love of God, Eddie, wash your freaking face! Jesus Christ!

40. Even Groucho Marx thinks that Frosted Flakes are g-r-r-reat.

For some reason, I don’t think Groucho is giving a ringing endorsement. Rather his face reads, “How in the hell did this creep get in here? Get me security.”

41. As Bob Hope said, drilling for oil is about as tough as sipping pop from a sponge.

Apparently, I’m not sure if the sipping through a sponge metaphor makes any sense to me. Could it be that getting oil out is relatively easy at first but as you get more out, it becomes harder to find? That might make some sense.

42. When it comes to underwear, J. R. Ewing prefers $3.oo hard cash and soft comfort in BVD.

While J. R. Ewing might prefer soft comfort in his underpants, he tends to pursue hard cash by making it harder for everyone else. He’s just that kind of Texas oilman asshole you love to hate.

43. Like Joan Blondell, Auto-Lite Spark Plugs have rhythm and perfect performance.

Not sure what Joan Blondell knows about spark plugs. But at least this makes better sense than endorsing a steamroller. I mean she probably drives a car. Still, spark plugs aren’t glamorous products.

44. When he’s in the ring, Jerry Lewis grabs the bull by the tail.

Uh, Jerry, you really don’t want to do that. For one, it’s considered an act of cowardice for matadors in the ring. Second, it pisses off the bull.

45. Orson Welles always enjoys drinking Paul Mason wine.

Yes, he enjoys wine that suits his large appetite. High caloric food and booze were his major weaknesses as he tried to slim down with crash diets, drugs, and corsets for his early film roles. But after 1960, he was permanently obese.

46. Boris Karloff is distressed that he can’t find his carload full of arsenic.

This was when Boris Karloff was playing Jonathan Brewster in the original Broadway production of Arsenic and Old Lace. This is for Northern Pacific Railway. Nevertheless, I think his arsenic would’ve been confiscated by security by this point. At least today.

47. Michael Jordan is really into his Ball Park franks.

I don’t know about you. But it seems like MJ is a little too suggestive while eating his hotdog. Makes me want to question whether which team he really bats for. Then again, he might really enjoy Ball Park franks.

48. Opera singer Patrice Munsel says that Camel cigarettes agree with your throat.

I guess this woman didn’t have a long career in opera due to her lungs being filled up with tar. Still, Camel cigarettes don’t agree with your throat. Nor does any tobacco products. And that’s not me talking. That’s science.

49. Who knew that Reggie Jackson drove a Volkswagen Rabbit?

And I guess Reggie Jackson is the guy on his team that everyone makes fun of for driving an ugly car. Then again, the 1970s weren’t a great time for car design. But still, neither Volkswagen or baseball have a great reputation these days.

50. O. J. Simpson gets his kicks with Dingo boots.

I don’t know what’s crazier about this ad. The fact that Dingo has O. J. Simpson as its spokesman even though the guy would later kill his ex-wife and her boyfriend. Or that O. J. has 3 legs.

51. Before Stevie Wonder would get in a car with a drunk driver, he’d drive himself.

I saw this poster at my school when I was a grade schooler during the 1990s. It made sense at the time mostly because when you’re that age, you tend to have no idea that Stevie Wonder has been blind from birth. Yes, riding with a drunk driver is a big mistake. So is getting in a car driven by a guy who’s blind like Stevie Wonder.

52. Smirnoff helps Woody Allen get out of his shell.

That seems like freaky photoshop here by the looks of it. Not sure if Smirnoff should’ve gone with a literal interpretation, especially if it makes Woody Allen a bit of a creep. Then again, he kind of is.

53. Even His Holiness Pope Leo XIII enjoys Mariani Wine.

Mariani wine was a popular 19th century drink that consisted of Bordeaux wine with cocaine. Pope Leo XIII was a big fan of the drink and had the Vatican award a gold medal for the guy who created it. Yes, you can’t make that stuff up.

54. Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds use Western Union to send a telegram to their mothers on Mother’s Day.

These two are the parents of Carrie Fisher who’d later play Princess Leia. However, they do seem like such a sweet couple. Too bad that Eddie Fisher would later dump the wholesome Debbie for Elizabeth Taylor. Surprisingly, Debbie and Liz seemed to remain good friends like George Harrison and Eric Clapton.

55. Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy would like you to drink some Coca Cola.

No, these guys didn’t consist of a mad toymaker and his killer gentlemen doll. Bergen was a ventriloquist and Charlie McCarthy was his dummy (though he does look quite creepy). Their show was very popular on the radio at the time. He’s also the father of Candice Bergen.

56. The Dionne quintuplets march on with Karo.

Yes, they may appear like little rays of sunshine. But beneath their faces lies a maliciousness that breaks out when you least expect. Avoid these killer cherubs if you can.

57. Groucho Marx enjoys Blatz beer.

Yes, I know Groucho Marx was a funny guy. But looking at this, he seems like he’s offering you a drink that probably contains poison. And he seems to hope that you’re too dumb to notice.

58. Edmund Lowe protects his voice with Lucky Strikes.

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He’s another opera singer, by the way. However, you what would do a better job protecting his voice than Luckies? Quitting them. Seriously, there are plenty of smokers who’ve lost their voices that some of them had to have special boxes put in.

59. Buster Keaton enjoys Smirnoff Vodka.

Not sure if you’d want to Buster Keaton to endorse your vodka, Smirnoff. Yes, he’s a silent legend, but he suffered from crippling alcoholism during the 1930s which nearly ruined his life. How bad was it? Well, at one point he married his nurse during an alcoholic binge.

60. Bing Crosby advises parents how to handle teenagers.

So his advice is with Fleers gum. Wasn’t expecting that. Rather, I thought he’d employ some measure of physical or emotional abuse on his kids, according to a few of his sons. Not sure if I’d trust his judgement.

61. The loveliest women in the world take Ayds like Hedy Lamarr.

Ayds were weight loss candies they had back in the day. Unfortunately, they fell out of popularity in the 1980s with the AIDS outbreak. Guess Hedy might’ve regretted this endorsement by that time.

62. Elvira just loves a man with a hairy chest.

I guess she’s a bit into men who tend to be walking carpets. Also, Coors Light had a Beer Wolf mascot? Wonder what happened to him.

63. It’s elementary to know why Basil Rathbone enjoys Chesterfield cigarettes.

I don’t know about you but does Basil Rathbone seem a bit creepy in this like he’s some serial killer in the dark. Must be the lighting if you ask me.

64. Peter Lawford wishes he went to more parties that serve Heublein’s Cocktails.

Of course, Peter Lawford was known to have several failed marriages and chronic alcoholism. Died of a heart attack at 61 along with complications associated with kidney and liver failure.

65. Dennis Hopper is practically helpless in his bath tub.

This is a Japanese shampoo ad from the 1980s. Not sure why Hopper’s like this and why the water in his tube is a bright blue.

66. Phil Silvers always enjoys Smirnoff around the holiday season.

I don’t know about you, but something doesn’t seem right about Phil Silvers in this. Either he’s violently insane or just drunk.

67. Vincent Price wants you to wrap yourself in Emba Mink.

Yes, I know that Vincent Price is known to play creeps in his movies. And he’s certainly creepy in this one. But he’s more like the dirty old man trying to grope this young blonde than anything you’d see from a horror movie.

68. When they say, “Bloody Mary,” Julie Newmar reaches for Smirnoff.

Not sure who Julie Newmar is nor do I care. But whipping out a bottle of vodka like a gun, really? That’s just crazy.

69. Dragnet’s Jack Webb says it’s wise to smoke Fatima cigarettes.

Jack Webb was a radio personality. No, I’m not sure if he’s ever been in horror movies. Nevertheless, he certainly has a face to play a some slasher film psychokiller. Yes, I can totally see him murdering teenagers and he wouldn’t have to wear a mask.

70. Robert Goulet and Carol Lawrence always enjoy a Heublein cocktail.

For some reason Robert Goulet seems more focused on Carol Lawrence more than anything. Not sure if he’s staring at her boobs or her legs. Probably her legs. Yes, Robert Goulet is a perv.

Vintage New Year Cards in the Days of Auld Lang Syne

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 28, 2015

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Despite that New Years is one of the most celebrated holidays in the world with widespread partying and celebrations, I usually skip blogging about it since it’s so close to Christmas which to me is a much bigger holiday. Not to mention, it’s a time that’s technically still in the Christmas season. And while Christmas is more or less of a holiday for everyone, New Years is more of a holiday for adults. I mean it involves drinking, partying, parades, and a stupid Division I college football tradition that makes absolutely no sense. Seriously, can’t Division I college football adopt a playoff system similar to March Madness? Because every other NCAA sport has their playoffs styled the exact same way. Anyway, when I came across some of these vintage greeting cards, I realized that I couldn’t avoid doing a New Years post any longer. Yes, you might expect people in the olden days to have some tact when it came to greeting cards such as the one above. But you would be wrong. Because this assortment is as weird and crazy as many New Years cards get in the days of old. So for your reading pleasure as shall old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mine, take your time to view these cards from the days of auld lang syne.

Now I wonder whether these gnomes want a glass of wine or some sexual exhibition.

Now I have two questions regarding this card. One, is that woman in the glass naked? Two, why are those guys holding axes and what the hell are they doing with them?

2. Seems like these dachshunds all have a taste for champagne.

Seems like one dog is in the champagne while the other ones are licking the drops. Guess the one in the glass is bound to wake up with a doggy hangover the next morning.

3. Now these two bottles seem to be sharing a New Years toast together. Wait what?

Now these two store alcoholic beverages like wine and champagne, right? And they’re drinking these together, right? So how does this make any sense? I don’t get it.

4. Nothing brings in the New Year like sharing a glass of wine with the moon.

And it seems to me that the moon has had way too many. Either that, or he might be in the mood for something else. Still, its crescent face kind creeps me out.

5. An old New Years tradition for children where there’s snow was to make a barrel snowman.

Of course, these two kids seem like they’re building a snowman to carry on a rampage in a nearby town. And yes, this is to their diabolical intentions.

6. Wishing you a happy New Year from some creepy chimney sweeps.

Yes, these are chimney sweeps, not a group of home burglars in their robbing garb. Still, these guys do seem like they can make out with your jewelry and finer stuff. They also look unrealistically clean, healthy, and happy, too.

7. Of course, at some New Year’s Eve parties, it was possible that a romance could blossom.

However, I’m not sure about this case. I mean the guy here kind of seems like he’s waiting for this girl to pass out so he could have his way with her. That’s just a thought.

8. Nothing says “Happy New Year” like a soulless girl in winter about to throw snowballs at you.

Of course, in case of a snowball fight, Tess always made sure she had a stash of razor blades with her. Because she loved to see the other kids scream in unbearable pain from the snowballs she threw.

9. “Welcome to wish you all to a bright New Year.”

Seems like this person’s idea of a bright New Year is seeing a bunch of winged kids flying on bats in the sunrises. Now that’s just messed up.

10. When it comes to greeting the year 1890, best to throw the 1889 boy in a boiling hot cauldron of soup.

Is it just me or does anybody think throwing a kid into a steaming hot cauldron of soup is disturbing? Also are those legs? Almost makes me want to throw up.

11. May your joyous New Year have a pierrot dressed boy drinking a glass of champagne.

Okay, this boy might give me the creeps. And I have to admit, clowns be quite terrifying as well. Still, I’m sure raising a glass of champagne won’t go well today among civilized society.

12. On New Year’s Eve it’s not uncommon for a snowman and pig to drink to the Man in the Moon.

Of course, the snowman and the pig each brought their own bottle. And I’m sure the pig is going to be totally wasted by the next morning. And he’s on his two hind legs. Yeah, that’s crazy.

13. Of course, New Year’s Eve is also a time when the Man in the Moon also has his fill of spirits.

Wait a minute, the moon can get sloshed? Why hasn’t NASA told us about this? Oh, wait, there is no Man in the Moon. Still, it’s pretty messed up if you think about it.

14. Seems like the Man in the Moon has his own entourage of Star People for this New Year’s celebrations.

Now the concept of the Man in the Moon on these cards is creepy enough. But the star people on this card seem like they’re straight out of some crazy sci-fi film with bad special effects. And yes, they might give you nightmares.

15. When the clock strikes midnight, the old year leaves and the new year begins.

I don’t know about you. But it seems Old Father Time seems to have a lustful eye on this young woman in purple with her hands in a muff. Not to be critical. But he seems a bit of a perv.

16. Nothing says a “Joyous New Year” like being chased by gigantic killer bees.

Well, if I saw a bee as big as that, I’d run for the hills, too. Then again, I’d probably shit myself in the process. Still, I have no idea why someone thought this was a good idea for a New Years card.

17. Seems like the pig sty is a happening place on New Year’s Eve.

Yeah, even pigs are getting wasted on New Year’s Eve for some reason. Not sure why. And there are even a couple dancing on their hind toes. Also, the kid is watching the whole thing.

18. You know it’s New Years, when you see a tuxedo guy sharing a bottle of booze with a snowman.

Of course, he should be lucky to be awakened by kids throwing snowballs than a policeman. Still, wonder how he’s going to feel when he’s awake. Not good.

19. “Looking into things far off….a Happy New Year.”

Okay, does anyone have any idea what the hell a beetle looking through a telescope at the sky has to do with New Year’s? Because I have no idea and think this is freaky.

20. This mutant potato in a fedora wishes you a Happy New Year.

I don’t know about you. But for some reason, I find this rather horrifying to say the least. Not sure if it’s the snide face or the rooted arms.

21. “Wishing you a New Year Jan. 1st.”

Is it just me or does that stork look like it wants to eat that naked cherub baby? Because it kind of looks rather sinister than you’d expect of such a bird.

22. Nothing tells you that it’s New Year’s Day than waking up in the morning with a terrible hangover.

Hey, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve woken up at a home of a complete stranger and right next to a woman he doesn’t know. Still, he sure has a face of “What the hell happened last night?” Yeah, seems to remind me of Billy Joel’s “Big Shot.”

23. Nothing rings in the spirit of the new year than some hot bottle on bottle action.

Makes you wonder what the people who designed this card were drinking when they came up with this idea. Of course, you probably know where this goes.

24. On New Year’s Day it’s said that breaking an old man’s back is good luck.

Not sure if this encourages young people to mistreat the elderly. But still, kids, don’t do this to your grandparents. In fact, I’m not sure why the designer thought a kid mowing his sled on top of an old man was a great idea for a greeting card.

25. Of course, when it comes to New Year’s Eve celebrations, getting wasted shouldn’t just be reserved for the adults.

Of course, if they’re parents had anything to do with their access to alcohol, they’re going to be so busted nowadays. Still, seems like these kids all want some wine. Yeah, this card is pretty disturbing.

26. May you enjoy your New Year’s with a sled pulled by pigs and assisted by a mushroom person.

From Buzzfeed: “Even that bird wearing pants and shoes is saying WTF.” Yeah, kind of explains how I feel about this picture. Probably designed under the influence of powerful hallucinogenic drugs.

27. Nothing rings in the New Year like a smoking man in the moon and some champagne bottles.

From Buzzfeed: ” If you’ve ever had an irrational fear that the Moon is watching your every move, then this is the card for you.” Yes, this card is completely terrifying to say the least.

28. Of course, this naked lady brings in the new year by dumping a glass of wine on a gnome’s head.

Then again, these stupid drunk elves deserve to be pranked. Still, wonder how tiny this naked woman is. Surely she’s bigger than them.

29. Hope this guy sobers enough to wake up before the horse devours his hair off.

Yeah, you know this tuxedo guy has partied hard if he passes out drunk only to wake up with a horse munching on his hair. Of course, it might’ve been worse had he woken up at the other end of the horse.

30. Nothing brings in the spirit of the New Year than cute angels feeding champagne to an inebriated Man in the Moon.

Yes, I know the Man in the Moon was a common motif for the era, but this is kind of creepy. Also, he’s probably totally wasted by this point or once he gets through the bottle.

31. New Years is the time of year when the Man in the Moon can also be seen as a gnome’s ATM machine.

From College Humor: “May the New Year bring you riches in the form of a moon puking up gold coins. ” Now that’s just freaky. No, I don’t think the moon works that way.

32. There’s nothing like it on New Year’s Day than seeing a letter delivered to your home by a creepy child soldier.

I don’t know about you. But if I received a letter from that terrifying moppet, I’d certainly call in to have it checked to see if it doesn’t contain a poisonous white powder. Better be safe than sorry.

33. Happy New Year from the beetle with a branch.

I don’t understand why’d they put beetles on their cards. It just doesn’t make sense. What do these wretched bugs stand for?

34. Wishing you a happy New Year with a card depicting a boy serving dinner and a bottle of champagne.

I don’t know about you. But I think this kid might’ve poisoned something on his tray. Doesn’t have a nice look on his face. Don’t ask me why.

35. Ring in the New Year with some frogs going bowling with shrooms.

You can almost imagine this as an amphibious version of The Big Lebowski. Then again, this is freaky enough, especially with that one frog smoking a cigarette and their tacky pants.

36. Wishing a prosperous New Year from the kids carrying the punch and drinks.

Yeah, making the kids in carrying the drinks for the New Year’s Eve party. That is sure to work out (sarcasm). Seriously, no kids should be carrying anything made of glass or alcohol.

37. Looks like the New Year has just arrived.

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And it seems to be a baby in a tweed coat, walking with a cane, carrying some luggage, and smoking a cigar. This is just messed up, man.

38. Seems like someone has been partying too much on New Year’s Eve.

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Let’s hope these two people are married and the wife is the designated driver. Because I don’t think the guy looks anywhere sober in this one.

39. Nothing makes ringing in the New Year like two clowns sharing a toast.

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Now the clown at the top is just terrifying and I wouldn’t take a drink from him if I were the female clown. Because a clown is never funny in the moonlight, as Lon Chaney would say. He had a good point.

40. Of course, don’t let your pigs loose from your sleigh or else it’ll upset your pot of gold.

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Yeah, you don’t want to lose your pigs pulling your sleigh of gold and shamrocks (which I more likely associate with St. Patrick’s Day). Still, I don’t know why they used pigs for New Year’s.

41. Of course, you can’t welcome 1906 without mentioning the mushroom people.

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Now I’ve heard about gnomes and fairies on toadstools. But this is ridiculous. Makes me wonder what the drug scene was in Kaiser Wilhem II’s Germany.

42. And look, one of those mushroom people freaks is serving some warm drinks.

Yes, this is as crazy as it sounds. One of them has a ladybug as a pet and on a leash. Seriously, people have been on acid trips during the 1960 that don’t come as freaky as this.

43. On New Year’s Eve parties, even pooches tend to get hammered.

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Wonder if anyone has a recipe to relieve a canine hangover. Not that it matters. But these pooches seem to have partied hard the previous night.

44. Nothing makes a great New Year’s than seeing a kid with flowers, money, 4 leaf clovers and a glass of wine.

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Now this isn’t a bad New Year’s greeting card. But still, that better be grape juice because that boy is certainly not legal. Also, I think he might want to get a new wallet because he’s dropping money everywhere.

45. Not sure if I want to sled down a hill with a bag of gold coins. But this gnome seems happy.

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Still, this smiling gnome seems terrifying to me for some reason. Yet, I don’t think spilling a sack of gold is very smart.

46. For the homeless bum, staring at the clock till it strikes midnight is all you might need to do.

I know it’s supposed to be funny. But to me, this seems kind of depressing if you think about it. This is especially since they’re waiting until midnight to get drunk.

47. Happy New Year from the naked kid who just made off with the old year guy’s stuff.

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Seems like this baby has made out with a cane, purse, and lantern. And it’s prancing in the snow in the buff. Yeah, it’s ridiculous if you really think about it. But I didn’t design this card. So don’t ask me.

48. Nothing makes your New Year’s bright than a baby giving a toast on a taxidermied cow head.

For one, this seems like this kid’s alcohol addled parents put him there. For what I don’t know. Second, I think that kid will fall off after he drinks that glass of wine.

49. Once again, it seems that the star people are now partying hard on New Year’s Eve with some champagne bottles.

I don’t know about you but I honestly think that these star kids are creepy as hell. Maybe it’s their star heads around their faces. Then again, I’m not sure of that either.

50. Looks like someone spent a little too much time with his drinking buddies on New Year’s Eve.

Wonder what’s going to hurt more for this guy in the morning. Will it be the hangover? Or will it be whatever wounds he sustained by being hit by a broom. You decide.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas, on Vintage Christmas Cards (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 21, 2015

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Two years ago, I did a post on vintage Christmas cards that proved to be wildly popular in 2014. And because of that popularity, I decided to do another one, even if it’s so close to Christmas. Now there are plenty of vintage Christmas cards that might make you yearn for the good old days. For instance, this card of a nativity scene would certainly melt your heart with its artistic value despite that almost everyone in it but Balthasar looks way too white. And Jesus looks too old for a 12 day old newborn. Then again, this wasn’t aiming for realism and in Matthew it’s said that Jesus might’ve been a toddler when the magi arrived anyway. Nevertheless, with the exception of Balthasar, if the nativity story was more accurate, everyone should look like they wouldn’t be able to board their plane on time in an American airport. Still, when it comes to sending vintage Christmas cards, you can do worse than sending one with religious connotations. Because there are some cards out there that make you glad you live in the 21st century. And that’s what I’m going to show to you today. So without further adieu, here are some more vintage Christmas cards your grandparents never told you about.

Most of the year, the Big Bad Wolf wants to harass little pigs with intent to eat them. But on Christmas, they’re having a good old time together.

I don’t know about you. But these pigs should know that this is a wolf in Santa clothing. He wants to eat them. But do they really have a clue? I don’t know.

2. “A Happy Christmas and let me scare you while I’m walking my new teddy bear.”

Oh, please God, please let it be just a toy. But from the look on that girl’s face, it seems that bear might be real and it might maul those other two kids. And she’s taking delight in the possibility.

3. “Santa’s sleeping, quick, let’s take some toys before he wakes up.”

Really, kids? Stealing toys from Santa? Then again, the look on their faces might imply that they intend to do worse things. to St. Nick. The big guy better get up and run for it.

4. Hope sausaging this card will give you a merry Christmas.

Okay, what does “sausage a card” mean exactly? Then again, I’m not sure I want to know. Really, it might mean something dirty.

5. Merry Christmas, now watch Santa give this kid a good spanking.

Man, you think Santa’s a jolly old grandpa. But this one he seems like a child’s worst nightmare. Yeah, Santa’s not real nice when it comes to doling out corporal punishment on minors.

6. Merry Christmas from the Snowman family.

Now here’s Papa snowman about to carve a turkey. Now making one requires putting it in the oven at a high temperature. Which begs the question, how was this possible for Mama snowman to pull that off? Also, what’s with the snow cat and the snow bird?

7. Snowman wishes you to a warm and bright Christmas.

Because since he’s now surrounded by candle’s he’s basically trapped. One step out and he’s a puddle for sure.

8. Seems like this guy has messed with the wrong Christmas dinner. Of course, when they say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy New Year” they mean it in irony.

Now this is just so fucked up. This guy’s basically living a nightmare. I mean the turkeys, gingerbread man, and ham have basically kidnapped him, put him on a spit, and are now going to cook him rotisserie style.

9. Merry Christmas, courtesy of WWII Nazi Germany.

Yes, that’s a German soldier in the background and it seems like it’s from WWII. But those kids singing carols seem so menacing to me for some reason. Wonder if they’re dreaming of a white Christmas, but with them as the master race

10. Of course, no Christmas card post would be complete without examining the Christmas Eve dreams of a young child named Edgar Allan Poe.

For some reason, it appears this kid is having a nightmare on how the toys might be ganging up on him. That Jack-in-the-Box with the flaming hair is especially terrifying to me. And he seems to be rising from a grave.

11. “May your balls be kept out of the rough! Merry Christmas!”

This would make a great one for Tiger Woods since he’s a professional golfer. But I’d change the saying to, “May your balls be kept in your pants!”

12. “Christmas joys be thine.”

Now this is quite freaky. Seems like this pig is walking upright with human hands and is wearing clothes. She’s also using binoculars and carrying a book. Wonder how, oh, I don’t want to know.

13. Merry Christmas, now watch Old St. Nick strike a kid tied to a tree.

Is it just me, or did our ancestors view Santa as a much darker figure than we do today? I mean he’s about to beat a kid who’s tied to a tree. How can you get more messed up than that?

14. “Tis Christmas, dear,/I hope you’ll see,/The joys of Kewpies/On your tree.”

Seriously, those Kewpie dolls are absolutely creepy. I wouldn’t want one anywhere near my house, let alone on a Christmas tree. Also, that girl’s like, “I’ll hug em’ and squeeze em’ and keep em’ for ever and ever.” Gah.

15. Have a festive Christmas as you watch the pinecone guys dance with a sugarplum, candle, and heart cookie.

On second thought, that dance looks like a creepy cult ritual than anything. Doesn’t help that the pine cones have creepy looking faces with gray hair and bears. And the sugar plum looks demonically possessed. This looks like something from nightmares.

16. Merry Christmas greetings from the partying dogs and monkeys.

I don’t know what that monkey is doing with that dog near the chandelier. But it doesn’t look good. That one monkey and dog on the couch seem to have a lively conversation, on the other hand.

17. So I guess these are Scottish dogs, I reckon.

Upright dogs playing bagpipes in plaid. Now I haven’t seen that before. Makes me wonder whether this designer was on too much whiskey or hashish.

18. A Merry Christmas from the kids and the dogs.

Now the siblings in this look rather terrifying to say the least. But my attention is with the dog leading the other dog on the leash. Seriously, what does that mean? And how does that happen? Because that looks so fucked up.

19. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a dapper rich kid whipping hopeless victim to the wall.

Yes, this is a Victorian card and that boy in the coat is obviously an entitled brat. But that’s not going to help the poor boy’s case, especially when it comes to an umbrella.

20. Merry Christmas, courtesy of good old St. Nicholas, from your nightmares.

For the love of God, I have no idea what’s up with the Germans. It seems to them, that Santa Claus is a shadowing figure bringing toys for the good children while murdering the bad ones in their sleep.

21. Aw, looks like this polar bear and walrus are great friends.

On second thought, that polar bear is looking at the young walrus like it’s a nice chunk of meat for Christmas dinner. The walrus better get out and dodge before the polar bear plans to pounce on him.

22. “May yours be a joyful Christmas.”

Unfortunately, you can’t say the same about this dead bird. Now I wonder why anyone would think it’s a good idea to stick a dead bird on a Christmas card. Is it meant to be ironic to Victorians with a sick sense of humor? Because it totally kills the joyful mood.

23. Let’s see if these Soviet satellites can compete with Santa and his magical space horses.

As you can guess, this is a Soviet Era Christmas card during the Space Race. Because American Santa would be racing with a sleigh of reindeer. But this is just a crazy card nonetheless.

24. Be nice to Santa this year, kids, because he seems to be in a grumpy mood.

Because this year, Santa’s sleigh team went on strike and wrecked his sleigh. So now he’s stuck with this. So be extra good for Christmas this year, kids. Because Santa’s really grumpy.

25. Nothing says “Merry Christmas Greetings” like two gambling pigs playing farkle.

Wonder what these pigs are betting on. Are they gambling to determine which one goes in the oven? Or are they just playing for kicks? Hard to say.

26. “Okay, you ungrateful brat, here you go in my sack.”

Despite the card saying, “Loving Christmas wishes,” it seems that Santa Claus has resorted to child abduction. No word on what the boy’s parents have to say about his sudden Christmas Eve disappearance.

27. Of course, when the toys come alive and surround your bed on Christmas, it can be an unsettling experience, indeed.

Yeah, if I were that kid, I’d be scared shitless, too. Not sure if I’d cling to my bed at the sight of them. Then again, this child will probably not get up the next morning with clean underwear.

28. Nothing says Christmas like a frog dancing with a beetle on the beach.

Now this is freaky on so many levels. Even freakier is the fly playing the tambourine. Now frogs eat insects, right? I think so. Still, this card had to be made on drugs, which is the only sensible explanation.

29. Hey look, there’s Santa with his sack of toys. Wait a minute, those are children!

Yes, those kids look terrifying. But this card implies that Santa is kidnapping children for God’s sake! Seriously, that’s pretty insane if you think about it. And terrifying to say the least.

30. Merry Christmas, courtesy of the Abominable Snowman and Sasquatch.

Seems like Bigfoot and the yeti are in a fight to the death this winter. And it seems the squatch is digging his claws into the Abominable Snowman. But who will win remains to be seen.

31. “Wishing you a Merry Christmas and we are hoping to see your face again soon.”

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Uh, guys, I hate to break it to you. But I don’t think Dave is coming back after falling in the frozen lake like that. Well, unless someone pulls his feet and tries to save his ass. Which is what none of you are doing.

32. “Freeze, Santa, your toys or your life!”

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Something tells me that these children have been very bad this year and don’t like how Santa didn’t visit their homes. So they came in retaliation to steal his sack of toys.

33. This Christmas, it’s time to get kinky with the Krampus.

Now this looks pretty messed up to say the least. Is he trying to punish this woman? Or is that just the way he likes to make love? Also, what’s with the golden handcuffs?

34. Now here is the Krampus morbidly showing off a child he drowned.

Now that’s just scary beyond all reason. Yeah, I wonder what the Krampus did to that kid. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.

35. Sometimes Krampus and St. Nicholas like to carpool on the town to pick up chicks.

Okay, so that’s what they mean. For some reason, the ladies don’t seem to mind so much. But from St. Nick’s face, he doesn’t seem to have good feeling about this.

36. “Sweet Adelaide, would you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Krampus?”

Adelaide, no, don’t do it. Please for the love of God, don’t do it. Sure he may be a lonely Krampus, but it’s not like Beauty and the Beast. I swear it’s not.

37. Of course, when it comes to Krampus kidnapping the parents, the kids don’t seem to mind.

Yes, kids, it might be fun and games to frolic around the Krampus. But it’s over when he goes after and kidnaps you. Seriously, it’s not fun at all.

38. A happy Christmas to you from the kindly robin.

Uh, do these birds look like berry eaters to you, kindly robin? Because the beaks sure don’t look like it. Still, this is kind of freaky if you think about it.

39. Apparently there wasn’t enough rat to go around at the cat house.

Seems like Paw Paws got to the mouse first. But the other cats aren’t happy with it. Yeah, this dinner is really not going to end well. I’d be most scared of the one in the dress.

40. Nothing says Christmas like a clown coming up to a cop with a red hot poker.

Yeah, this clown is incredibly terrifying enough to murder you in your sleep. Still, he should know better than to mess with a cop, even if it’s a British bobby. This won’t end well for the clown.

41. Seems like these beetles are playing cricket.

Now this is just weird. Would’ve made more sense if it was the Beatles playing cricket. Still, how in the hell does this have to do with Christmas? And why does it exist?

42. Seems like the Pine Cone guy wants to wish this little girl in pink a Merry Christmas.

From Life in the Land of the Ice and Snow: “Don’t shake his hand, Little Girl! Don’t do it! There’s something off about this guy. I saw him on the subway last week. Stay away!” Yeah, why the hell would think this image was a good idea. Seems like the guy is about to whisk the kid away in his windowless carriage.

43. Yes, Santa will surely see you when you’re sleeping.

Now seeing Santa watching a girl sleep is pretty creepy. Still, whatever his thoughts are, they can’t be good. Not sure about hanging dolls on the tree either.

44. Of course, kids, if you want to see Santa looking out the window is your last chance.

I don’t know about you but Santa seems to have a sinister look in his face. And I think it’s freaking out one of the kids if you ask me. Yeah, they might want to stay away from the window.

45. Seems like Susie got just the doll she wanted.

From loaded hips: “I don’t think there’s enough going on here. I think we better add a floating pretzel and donut. That’ll really drive it on home.” Still, the Santa watching the girl doesn’t seem right as far as I’m concerned.

46. Looks like Santa Claus has been drinking too much egg nog.

Uh, Santa, I think you’ve had enough to drink. Seriously, you need to stop. This is how you ram your sleigh into little old ladies. Just so you know.

47. Nothing says Christmas than a scantily clad woman flirting with Frosty the Snowman.

Of course, Frosty is trying to get the nerve to tell her that this relationship isn’t meant to last. Because come spring time, he’s destined to be nothing but a puddle of water with his attributes.

48. Seems like a toy soldier has gotten into a fight with a pine cone guy.

Yeah, nothing says Christmas like fighting over a candy or possible explosive. Of course, both seem to be quite terrifying and nightmare inducing if you ask me. But that’s beside the point.

49. Beetle wishes gnome a merry Christmas.

Actually it kind of looks like the beetle wants to eat the gnome for Christmas dinner. Yeah, he’s not going to last long it seems.

50. Nothing says Christmas like a bunch of birds lining up with torches in their wings.

They card says, “May All Jollity Lighten Your Christmas Hours.” However, that doesn’t explain why all these birds look so militant. As if they were about to group into a mob to kill a neighborhood cat. Oh, that explains it.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 6, 2015

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As you probably know by now, Christmas albums are what many recording artists are contractually obligated to do during their summer vacations. And yes, if you work in retail, you’ll have to deal with Christmas music for several hours straight that you’ll soon have all the songs stuck in your head. Let’s just say hearing the torture of Wham!’s “Last Christmas” one thing I don’t miss about working at Macy’s this holiday season. And let’s just say that after the holiday season, these Christmas albums will end up at some discount rack at Big Lots. Last year, I did a post on vintage Christmas album covers that many of you have taken to. So I decided to do another one since there are so many vintage album covers out there pertaining to Christmas. And yes, many of them are amusingly horrible beyond all description that you have to see for yourself. So without further adieu, here is a treasure trove of more vintage Christmas album covers for when you really need a break from hearing all the Christmas music in your head after a shopping trip.

Sesame Street: Merry Christmas

Uh, let’s just hope that Bert got tangled in the bead garlands by accident. But since people think they’re gay and Fifty Shades of Grey being a pop culture hit, this is probably one of the most unintentionally inappropriate children’s album covers of all time. I mean Grover and Cookie Monster now look understandably horrified at the moment.

Nothing beats a wholesome family Christmas like hearing your favorite yuletide carols while Ernie and Bert decorate their Christmas tree with Grover and Cookie Monster.

2. Jingle Cats: Merry Christmas

Good: Might help curb rodent infestations. Bad: Seriously, “Jingle Bells” is annoying as it is but do you really want to listen to cats meowing to it? Ugly: Might give your cat an inferiority complex.

Finally a Christmas album for the crazy cat fan that has felines singing 2o holiday classics.

3. Dean Martin: A Winter Romance

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I think Dino might have to watch out for the creepy blond woman who’s plotting to murder his girlfriend in a way that it would look like an accident. Yeah, let’s just say women like that would make a winter romance turn into a winter nightmare.

Nothing says Christmas like snow, skiing, and having a very creepy stalker obsession with Dean Martin.

4. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord

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As someone who’s seen Hairspray, I think these women have more chemicals in their hair than the whole cast put together. Wonder how long it took for these women to style their hair in the morning.

Celebrate the birth of our Lord with yuletide Christian music, modestly red and blue dresses with white collars and cuffs, and tons of hairspray.

5. Christmas at Our House

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Uncle Charlie’s idea of playtime involves toy trains or toys of any other kind. I think it involves Uncle Charlie doing unspeakable things to Billy in the bathroom.

“C’mon, Billy, be a dear and spend time with your Uncle Charlie this Christmas. You only get to see him few times a year.”

6. Asleep at the Wheel: Merry Texas Christmas Y’all

I understand Asleep at the Wheel is the group’s name. But I’m not sure if it makes a great name to put on a Christmas album cover. It just brings to mind a car accident waiting to happen instead of good cheer. Also the armadillo is freaky.

In Texas, they tend to celebrate Christmas a little differently with decorations like armadillos, cowboy boots, cacti, and longhorn skulls.

7. Christmas at the Devil’s House

“Santa, ramp up your amp and play your guitar hard./’Cause Hell’s broke loose in North Pole and the Devil deals the cards./And if you win you get this shiny guitar made of gold,/But if you lose the devil gets your soul……”

When the Devil went down to Georgia, he challenged Johnny to the fiddle duel. When Santa went to hell, they dueled with electric guitars.

8. Rusty Diamonds: Rusty Diamonds Vol. 4 X-mas Project

Now I’m not sure what to make of pose. I mean her nipples are showing and you can almost see her crotch. That ain’t right.

Of course, sex sells in the music industry. So during the Christmas season having a cover of a girl in a Santa hat and spandex helps.

9. Charo: (Mamacita) ¿Donde Esta Santa Claus?

Wonder how Charo managed to survive winter without losing her legs. Seriously, high red stockings will not keep you warm below freezing temperatures.

When looking at this my question to Charo is “¿Donde esta su pantalones? ¡Esta frio, su pendejo!”

10. Michele Richard: Noel

Seems like Santa Claus really isn’t enjoying being hugged in this photo op. But he just didn’t have the courage to say, no, no, no.

While Santa may delight having children sit on his lap, this isn’t always the case with teens and adults.

11. Dj Scream Kickstand: Santa Claus: Toys, Trees, and Snow

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Now I see nothing wrong with a gangta rap Christmas album. And I don’t see anything wrong with a black Santa either. However, seeing Santa wielding an AK-47 is just plain wrong.

Because nothing says “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” like Santa Claus wearing a bandanna and sunglasses while wielding an AK-47.

12. Celtic Woman: Home for Christmas

Of course, when designing Celtic Woman’s Christmas album, it’s said that Lisa Frank’s dog got loose and took a giant dump all over it. They were never able to clean up the mess.

Now I can’t decide whether this album design is supposed to be a Christmas tree or a technicolor turd.

13. NORAD Tracks Santa

Of course, if you want to track Santa on Christmas Eve, maybe it’s better to listen to NORAD on the radio. Why get Santa news reports from a record anyway? Kind of freaky if you think about it.

Finally, an album tracking Santa’s movements from the North Pole on Christmas Eve.

14. Merry Music for Christmas

While Cindy and Randy played like sports during the photo shoot, Janie wanted none of that. Of course, they had to go with the best photo in the bunch.

Apparently one of these kids would like to offer a second opinion.

15. Adventures in Carols

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Not sure if that rocket’s going to hold all the toys, Danta. Also, what’s with the other Santas at the launch site? Or are they elves? I don’t know.

This year, instead of a sleigh, Santa will deliver all the toys to kids from a rocket that’s launched from a large anti-aircraft gun.

16. Mickey Rooney: Merry, Merry Micklemas

Looking at him like this, I find it hard to believe this guy was a huge star in his prime as well as married 8 times. One of these was Ava Gardner out of all people. Vanity Fair said he’s “the original Hollywood trainwreck.”

Nothing beats Christmas than seeing and old Mickey Rooney in a Santa beard and long underwear.

17. Sufjan Stevens and Friends: Let It Snow!: Songs for Christmas Vol. 9

For God’s sake, who the hell thought this would make a great idea for a Christmas album cover? This is just totally sick. Hopefully, this album came out before the Jerry Sandusky scandal at Penn State. But I may be wrong.

Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a boy taking a steaming hot shower.

18. Nina and Frederik: Christmas at Home with Nina and Frederik

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From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “From the looks of Frederik, there’s only one of four things he wants to do this Christmas. 1. Sex you up. 2. Chop you into little pieces. 3. Sex you up and then chop you into little pieces. 4. Chop you into little pieces and then sex you up.” Why doesn’t he just make it convenient and get a woodchipper like in Fargo? Oh, sorry about that, Steve Buschemi.

When it comes to the holidays, Nina and Frederik prefer to spend Christmas at their peaceful cabin in the woods.

19. Stan and Doug: Yust Go Nuts on Christmas

From Cracked: “Ah, nothing says Christmas like a cross-dressing, possibly mentally challenged man fighting Santa over an ugly doll. It’s just like in that classic Christmas carol, ‘I Saw Mommy Try to Stop Daddy from Wearing Her Dresses and Cold-Cocking Santa.'” Don’t ask me, I wasn’t consulted.

Okay, not sure if I want to know what that guy in the little boy get up is doing to that doll. Or why Santa is touching it.

20. Dear Santa Let’s Disco

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I pray to God that this girl is at least 18. Because from her eyes, I don’t think she just wants to disco with Santa. Also, why would anyone want to disco with Santa?

Nothing says Christmas in the Disco Era like a supposedly teenage girl erotically licking a candy cane.

21. Christopher Bowes: Christmas at the Organ

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From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “Think of it ladies-an evening of Mr. Bowes regaling us on his male organ and drinking his drugged wine, waiting to open the gifts of boxed-up body parts under the tree. Happy holidays!” I’ll pass, thank you very much. Seriously, I don’t want to drink with this guy.

There’s nothing more romantic at Christmas than spending a night near the tree drinking wine with a guy who might resemble a potential date rapist or serial killer.

22. Paul Holt: Fifty Grand for Christmas

Then again, he probably wishes he had 50 grand for Christmas. But with this album cover, he probably should’ve went with “I’ll Be Broke for Christmas.”

Of course, this guy wished he had 50 grand for Christmas. But he had to settle for a cheap album cover with some cheap ass hookers.

23. Dennis Day: Dennis Day Sings Christmas Is for Family

Of course, Jack Benny played the violin badly as part of his comic routine. However, I don’t think his comedy translates well when he’s in a Santa suit. Also, I think the kids are more anxious about opening presents than Jack Benny anyway.

Yes, kiddos, enjoy Christmas morning in your jammies with a private violin recital by the great Jack Benny in a Santa suit. Fun for the whole family.

24. Carol Channing: The Year Without a Santa Claus

Yes, that’s Carol Channing. Yes, she’s a famous celebrity. No, I don’t think she made a lot of horror movies. Yeah, I do think her face is bound to give little children nightmares.

From looking at this cover, I’m wondering if The Year Without a Santa Claus is a horror story.

25. The New Christy Minstrels: Christmas with the Christies

Yeah, decorate your hair with ornaments and lights. Of course, you’d have to walk slow so the baubles won’t fall off. And you can’t walk too far from the electrical outlet those lights are plugged in.

For festive holiday hair this Christmas, find a style you can decorate like a Christmas tree.

26. Fats Domino: Christmas Is a Special Day

That poor pooch probably doesn’t care for photo ops. Or maybe Fats Domino Christmas music. Wonder why it looks so blase. What a way to ruin a picture.

Yes, Christmas is a special day, indeed. But for Fats’s bichon frise, it doesn’t seem a happy one.

27. Mickey Gilley: Christmas at Gilley’s

Uh, Santa, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drive a magic reindeer pulled sleigh while under the influence. I mean this is how some kids get the wrong toys.

When Santa comes to the Gilleys, he always likes to raise a bottle of Texas booze while the country music’s playing.

28. Stan Freberg: Green Christmas and the Meaning of Christmas

I think this is supposed to be a satire on Christmas commercialism, consumerism, and materialism. And from how I see his face, he kind of looks pretty depressed about it.

Of course, his idea of a “green” Christmas has more to do with the Benjamins than with saving the environment.

29. Gunther & the Sunshine Girls: Christmas Song (Ding Dong)

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “I’m thinking our friend Gunther gets his “ding dong” licked by that poor, wretched dog each night. That ‘stache and Gunther’s pouty lips make me want to cancel Christmas.”

Okay, is that a guy or a woman in drag? I can’t really tell.

30. The Mastertone Orchestra: A Singer Christmas for the Family

This boy seems like: “A sewing machine? What kind of lame ass gift is that? Why couldn’t you let me unwrap a Roughrider BB gun that I asked for?”

Because nothing excites the family on Christmas morning more than a new Singer sewing machine.

31. Archie Wood and his Friends: Christmas Album

Okay that castle looks fairly run down. Not sure what to make out about the dogs. But I have to admit, that dummy is just completely terrifying if you ask me.

Think of this bunch as a mashup of Mister Rogers Neighborhood and your worst childhood nightmares.

32. Muzak: Stimulus Progression No. 3 Christmas

Heard they play this kind of music at Guatanamo Bay and in customer service departments. Let’s just say that Muzak is what they play on occasions like enhanced interrogations, when you’re on hold, or to drive away some unruly teens from loitering.

Because nothing makes Christmas better than hearing your favorite yuletide carols in the form of elevator music.

33. Perry Como: The Perry Como Christmas Album

Now my grandma is a huge fan of this guy. Still, with a voice like his and tons of fan girls, they should’ve been able to come up with a better design than some creepy photoshop like this.

Celebrate Christmas by listening to music coming from Perry Como’s disembodied head on a Christmas wreath.

34. Ray Charles: The Spirit of Christmas

Look, Ray Charles is a musical legend and a great singer and musician. Love his music and love Ray. However, this is not the kind of guy who should be driving a one horse open sleigh. Seriously, the guy’s blind as a bat. Not to mention, he wasn’t quite sober and clean.

If you think Perry Como’s head on wreath was creepy, you should see Ray Charles driving a sleigh.

35. Jimmy Pelham: Santa! Watch Your Claws

And it seems like Mommy and Santa are about to be getting into the nasty. Yes, Santa is a pervert and a very naughty boy.

If you think seeing mommy kissing Santa Claus was traumatizing, how about seeing mommy sitting on Santa’s lap?

36. Harry Secombe: Christmas Cheer

You know the creepy uncle you only see on holidays? You know the one who travels around in a windowless van your parents won’t let you in? Well, he released a Christmas album.

Because Santa Claus isn’t the only fat guy around who likes children around him. But at least Harry Secombe doesn’t need to sneak into their houses.

37. Six Million Dollar Man: Christmas Adventures

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “I thought the Six Million Dollar Man was supposed to be a good guy? Based on this cover, it seems as if he’s killed Santa, put on his costume, and jettisoned St. Nick’s corpse into space on board a rocket. Man, that’s effed up. Jolly ol’ Steve Austin looks like he’s getting some kind of sick thrill from the whole thing – check out that demonic smirk. Later, Austin uses his bionic powers to crush the Elves’ Revolt. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the sound of an elf’s windpipe being crushed in slo-mo.”

Spend the holiday season listening to 4 exciting adventures from the Six Million Dollar Man.

38. Ben Best: Happy Christmas Party: The Best of Ben Best

I don’t think Ben Best looks like this and I have no idea who that guy is. Still, why the designer had to resort to the most uncreative gimmick to sell this album is beyond me. Yeah, let’s hope she gets some clothes for Christmas.

Of course, you can’t have a Christmas party without a naked girl surrounded by presents.

39. AC/DC: Mistress for Christmas

Now that’s no way to treat a lady. Looks like Bon Scott has basically kidnapped her and now he’s probably in very deep shit. Yeah, he has a weird look in his face.

Uh, Bon Scott, I don’t think you get a mistress for Christmas by grabbing some lady in a Santa dress by the legs.

40. Bootsy Collins: Christmas Is 4 Ever

Yes, marvel at Bootsy’s wonderful divine powers at his celestial creation of a big ass star. Yeah, his Christmas town is sure shining tonight.

Of course, Christmas is forever, as far as I know since Bootsy Collins is an overlord and deity of a snow globe Christmas town.

41. Indo G: Christmas N’ Memphis: Christmas Will Never Be the Same

I don’t know about you. But robbing a bank is very naughty, Santa Claus. And it can lead to a long prison sentence. You don’t want to go there.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” and “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” than the sight of Santa Claus being held by guns for robbing a bank.

42. The Carolleers: Favorite Christmas Carols

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I don’t know about you. But something tells me that Johnny’s new girlfriend Jenny might be a vampire. I don’t know why, just look at her eyes and teeth. Not that it’s none of my business.

Yes, nothing warms your heart on Christmas than having strangers show up at your door and sing annoying songs to you.

43. Andre Kostelanetz and his Orchestra: Nutcracker Suite

From Cracked: “Why is a wolf-tiger hybrid groping its own tail while it plots to eat that girl? Why is a clown head sitting in a bush? Was the clown decapitated? If so, why’d he die with such a smile on his face? What part of the Nutcracker Suite was that in? Is that a log next to the clown head, or a slowly decomposing alligator? Why isn’t the cold preserving its corpse? Has there always been this much snow in hell? So many questions.” Yes, this is a cover that’s bound to give any child nightmares. And the ballet was pretty creepy, too.

Of course, I couldn’t do a Christmas album post this year without including Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite.

44. The Rhodes Kids: Rock n’ Rhodes Christmas

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “It has been said the studio sessions for The Rhodes Kids were fraught with debauchery of cocaine binges, physical fights, sexual attacks on stuffed animals and worse yet…those ghastly outfits. The Rhodes Kids currently have a massive following in Fiji and still tour there.”

Seems like the Rhodes Kids have been good enough this year for a personal visit from Santa Claus himself.

45. Cee Lo Green: Cee Lo’s Magic Moment

Now this is just so ridiculous like that Chess King vintage ad from the 1980s. But man, it’s sure a purple yuletide dream or nightmare.

While Santa has his sleigh and reindeer, Cee Lo has his flying sports car pulled by majestic and magical white horses.

46. Silver Sounds of Christmas

Now I heard they used this bird in a movie called The Snowbird Before Christmas. It was a slasher horror movie. And yes, this guy was the one killing everyone on Christmas Eve.

Hear the silver sounds of Christmas and freak out your child with an album of a scary Santa bird on the cover.

47. Sherwin Linton: Christmas Memories

Kids, you might not like getting clothes for Christmas. But if you do, you will never look as tacky as this guy. Yes, the 1970s weren’t the best decade for fashion.

Yes, nothing’s better on Christmas morning than sitting down with your pair of pink platform shoes and a horrendously ugly sweater.

48. Sy Mann: Switched on Santa

Still, I was expecting Santa to have access to state of the art technology most intelligence agencies operate on. This makes me a bit disappointed. Oh wait, that’s a synthesizer, dammit. Yeah, those can be quite annoying.

So that’s how Santa spies on kids to know whether they’re bad or good. So you better be good for goodness sake.

49. Jeri Kelly: Poor Ole’ Santa Claus

I don’t know about you. But I really have a bad feeling about that girl seeing Santa in his underwear and a present behind his back.

Poor Santa. Someone stole his suit and now he has nothing on but long underwear.

50. Yuletide Disco

I’m sure wearing garlands of tinsel might not cover you up for long. And I’m sure it’s not comfortable to wear. Also, looks incredibly ridiculous. Just saying.

Because, ladies, Christmastime is a time of year when you put on the tight pants and tinsel and boogie.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Christmas Vintage Advertising of Yesterday (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 27, 2015

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Once again, Black Friday is upon us again to kick off the official Christmas season. Of course, everyone seems to be well aware of it since businesses tend to advertise the freaking shit out of it. But as last year, I stayed true to my vow and decided that I wasn’t going to do any Christmas stuff until after Thanksgiving. And I have kept it, thank you very much. Now since many of my previous Christmas posts received a ton of views over the last year, I decided to do some second editions for a few of them such as vintage advertising, Elf on the Shelf, treats, albums covers, and sweaters. However, I plan to have some new stuff as well like Christmas crafts and possibly Christmas village sets. Of course, since the holiday season has been greatly commercialized, there are no shortage of advertising. And yes, it’s annoying as hell, especially when you see it earlier in November or before Thanksgiving. Now the olden days certainly had their share of ads as well whether they be for food, decorations, gifts, or whatever. Now you might think that Christmas ads were more wholesome and adorable. However, as I find out through Google Search and Pinterest, that’s not the case. Those who wish to spend early Christmas season fun at home can sit back and relax as I show you a treasure trove of old holiday ads your grandparents don’t want you to know ever existed.

Ladies, be your own Santa this year with your very own Formfit bra.

Okay, the woman wearing nothing but her bra is one thing. However, I think the marionette Santa is even creepier.

2. Santa wishes you a wishfull treefull of Chesterfields this Christmas.

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Yes, Santa decorate an entire Christmas tree with cigarette packs. Seriously, do you really want the kids to have a lot of health problems due to first or secondhand smoke?

3. Rest assured, Santa, she’ll love you for getting Mojud.

I don’t know about you. But from how I see Santa with the nightie, he’s going to be on the naughty list this Christmas. At least when Mrs. Claus finds out. Seriously, Santa is a perv.

4. This Christmas, get yourself a Jantzen figure.

Of course, it’s her turn to play sexy Santa this year. Still, Gladys found out it was better to do it without the creepy Santa mask.

5. Beat the Christmas rush with Bell Telephone system.

Wonder who’s going to rescue the people who are hanging from them? I have no idea why they don’t have any emergency vehicles standing by. Also, I’m sure that sailor will be dead if he falls from the wires.

6. From the Baldwin Clothier Boy’s Department, here’s a book on Christmas stories.

Kind of interested on the story of Duke Pineapple. Wonder if he’s the main antagonist of the early 20th century edition of Fruit Ninja. Or maybe the illustrator was on too much absinthe.

7. I wish I was a reindeer so I can dress like a Christmas tree and spread good cheer in six different flavors.

Not sure if the reindeer is happy with having 6 different jello dishes hanging from his antlers. Also, I’m sure reindeer don’t eat jello at all. They’re more into grass.

8. An Air Way sanitizer is as beautiful as anything under the tree.

Actually that’s not what I’d call beautiful in any respect. Kind of looks like some drink dispenser or a squared Sputnik if you ask me.

9. Nothing makes your kiddies happier in the 1950s than a real Roy Rogers Christmas.

All it costs are some of your parents’s money and your dad’s sense of dignity. Sorry, but playing the part of Trigger is part of being a dad during the 1950s.

10. Why be irritated this Christmas when you can smoke Old Gold?

Uh, I think I’d rather help him by putting up the tree first if I were you, lady. Lighting a cigarette when the tree’s fallen over him is just a fire hazard waiting to happen.

11. This Christmas everyone is shouting about Textron menswear.

So I guess in these pjs, grown men can spend Christmas morning playing cowboys, Indians, and derogatory Indian stereotypes. Also, cowboys riding tricycles as well. And the kid is reading a book.

12. From this Christmas on, make your own movies with the Cine Kodak Eight.

“Now we can use this to spy on our neighbors and see what their combination is to that big freaking safe they have in their house. You thinking what I’m thinking?”

13. Give your loved one a special gift this Christmas: a toilet seat for 5.95.

Now really? Who the hell would be happy getting a toilet seat on Christmas? This is a terrible present for God’s sake. Seriously, why?

14. Don’t know what to give anyone for Christmas? How about some Weed tire chains?

Yes, I’m sure tire chains would make a wonderful Christmas gift. Well, for someone who has no idea how to snow proof their cars. Then again, it’s not the kind of present you’d give to anyone.

15. Santa’s elves are always busy in their workshops making appliances?

Okay, this can’t be right. Aren’t elves are supposed to make toys for kids? Not appliances for their parents for God’s sake. Seriously, what 6 year old kid asks Santa for a waffle iron?

16. This Christmas, visit your loved ones via the Chesapeake and Ohio lines.

Don’t like the look on Santa’s face on this one. Looks like he’s about to pull some cruel prank on these cat and kittens. Like spiking the milk with laxative or something like that.

17. Give your loved ones the gift of comfort this Christmas like a hot water bottle from Wearever.

To be fair, they didn’t have the kind of heating technology we do. However, I don’t think anyone uses hot water bottles anymore, save in cartoons. Also, looks like the kind of gift you’d give your co-worker secret Santa.

18. Give artistic Cinderella magic this Christmas with Rogers lacquer.

Yeah, nothing makes a great Christmas gift than a can of paint varnish. Seriously, that’s what you get in a hardware store, not a Christmas gift.

19. Why have one Santa in your ad when you can have 2?

Now these Santas certainly look different. One is taller and has glasses. Yet, both seem to think that vacuum cleaners make great Christmas gifts for women. As a woman, I find this ad appallingly insulting. Seriously, I loathe vacuum cleaners.

20. Give your wife a kitchen appliance for Christmas from Frigidaire.

Seems like Santa really spent a fortune on that stove, dishwasher, and refrigerator. Still, since when is it her kitchen? It’s their kitchen. It’s their house. Appliances shouldn’t be promoted as gifts for women but for the whole family. Because everyone uses them.

21. Sorry, reindeer, but Santa is updating his sleigh this year to gasoline powered.

Seems like the reindeer union might vote to go on a stampede in Santa’s garage. Yeah, that’s no union at the North Pole I want to mess with. But if your livelihood is in jeopardy, you gotta do what you gotta do.

22. Christmas is the best time of year to get tires because it’s always the year after next that counts.

And it seems that this guy might either need to hit the gym or buy a new Santa suit. Then again, it’s probably worn out. Still, love the look on this wife’s face.

23. When it comes to reading letters from kids, Santa likes to kick back with some White Rock ginger ale and scotch for his scotch and soda.

So, kiddies, don’t be surprised if your letter from Santa sounds about as incomprehensive as your drunk uncle’s Thanksgiving rant. Santa is just very drunk at the moment.

24. Give Mom a break this Christmas with a Hotpoint dishwasher.

Wonder how much this family eats considering the quantity of dishes takes up a whole wall. Seriously, no family has that many dirty dishes.

25. Give a special smoker in your life a White Briar pipe this Christmas by Kaywoodie.

I don’t know about you, but Kaywoodie is a terrible name for a pipe company. Yeah, I can expect the giggles from that one.

26. A Health-O-Meter scale is a Christmas gift with a lift.

Okay, if someone on your wish list didn’t ask for a scale, you shouldn’t get one. Seriously, it might make a receiver wonder whether you think they’re fat. This is especially true for man giving gifts to their girlfriends, fiancees, or wives.

27. For heartburn relief during the holidays, try some Alka-Seltzer.

I don’t know about you but Speedy the Alka-Seltzer kid just seems straight out of my nightmares. I wouldn’t trust him with what he has.

28. For Christmas, Avon Cosmetics are a joy to give and a joy to receive.

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It’s also quite interesting that one of these cosmetics is stored in a golden banana shaped bottle. It just makes me scratch my head for a moment.

29. Usher’s Green Stripe is a 1853 Christmas original.

Now these pictures are so creepy. Well, at least the Victorian kid and the Roman with grapes. Yeah, don’t want to be near them.

30. Keep dry like the English this holiday season with Gordon’s Gin.

Of course, this basically says that the Brits usually spend the holiday season rip roaring drunk on gin, which is the worst alcoholic beverage on the planet. Still, given Britian’s problem with binging, this doesn’t reflect well on the country.

31. Decorate your Christmas tree this year with Noma lights.

Yes, I know the Santa baby is supposed to be adorable. But to me, there’s just something about this cherubic demon child that terrifies me down to the core.

32. This Christmas, deck the halls of your home with easy to make decorations with Styrofoam.

You the packing material stuff that never biodegrades that you can find almost anywhere. Well, you can make decorations with that.

33. Remember that the prettiest Christmas dollies use Scotch hair set tape.

When I see a woman with tape on her face like this, I don’t think I’d brush it off as a decorative enhancement. Hell, I’d wonder whether she needs to leave her boyfriend and file a restraining order. That doesn’t look good.

34. Promise me, Santa, that you’ll take care of my underwear needs from Frederick’s.

Now calling Santa to give you lingerie is one thing. But this woman looks like she’s in the mood for more than just lingerie. I mean look at her suggestive sexy eyes.

35. Be clear and fresh this Christmas with Ivory soap.

Yes, I know this little kid is supposed to look so cute and innocent. But for some reason, she doesn’t even look real and perhaps a bit creepy.

36. Even Santa Clause eats Cream of Wheat for breakfast.

And in this ad, Santa has just alienated one of his big demographics such as black children. Seriously, Rastah is a racist caricature for God’s sake.

37. Webster Cigars makes a great gift for important men.

I bet lady sitting here’s like, “How much longer do I have to endure this dinner sitting next to that douche? Why did I have to spend Christmas with my boyfriend’s family this year instead of taking a plane home to see my folks? Why, sweet Jesus, Why?”

38. Is your child a bed wetter? Then this Christmas, we can help them stop.

Now this is just really insulting. Yes, kids wet the bed at some point in their childhood. But really should there be an ad shaming kids that do? Probably not.

39. Santa Claus would like to wish a, “Big Ho” to Westward Ho Fruit Growers Cooperative.

Of course, nowadays, “Big Ho” has a very different and inappropriate meaning. Yeah, it’s actually very unintentionally funny to once you reach a certain age or start listening to Hip-Hop music.

40. Want to please your lady this Christmas? Buy her a toaster.

Yeah, buy your woman a toaster and she’ll love you for it. Even if she doesn’t ask for one and wants you to give her a gold necklace instead. Now this ad is just plain sexist.

41. This Christmas, get your lady a Bissell “Cyco” Bearing Carpet Sweeper.

I don’t know about you. But Santa doesn’t seem to be on the jolly side here. Seems to be telling the woman to accept this great sweeper and she’d like it or else he’d ram his sleigh and reindeer into her house.

42. Cherish your Christmas moments with your family with this Kodak camera.

Yes, the girl is supposed to be cute and innocent. But for some reason, I sense some evil in her soulless eyes as if she’s strangling the little doll with her chubby fingers.

43. Some people just can’t wait to open their Christmas presents under the tree.

Yes, I know plenty of men like beer. But that doesn’t mean you should give your man box with 24 cans. And if he opens it before Christmas, it might mean that he has a drinking problem.

44. Santa says that electricity is cheap so use more of it, courtesy of Carolina Power & Light Company.

Yes, electricity is great. However, fossil fuel use is not. So perhaps it’d be better to conserve electricity and save energy. Besides, isn’t Santa’s home being threatened by a little thing called climate change? Yeah, I think he should know better.

45. For fair feminine skin this holiday season use Hinds Almond and Honey Cream.

Now I don’t know which is scarier in this. Santa looks pretty terrifying as is. But I think the little girls might just kill him if he doesn’t give them the dolls they wanted.

46. For Santa, Christmas is all about “give and take.”

You see, kids, that wasn’t your dad raiding the fridge on Christmas Eve. That was Santa who ate the turkey before refreshing himself with a bottle of Coca-Cola. Yes, Santa just wants to raid your fridge in exchange for presents.

47. For Christmas, give something useful like Colgate products.

Unless you’re a dentist or have close association with one, I’m not sure Colgate products make good Christmas gift ideas. Seriously, they make toothpaste for God’s sake. Besides, nobody wants to receive a toothbrush for Christmas.

48. Hallmark Christmas cards are always a great idea, now featuring artwork from the Right Honourable Sir Winston Churchill.

Yes, Churchill led Britain during WWII. But would you really buy a Christmas card with one of his paintings? Also, kind of looks a bit skeevy here like he really needs cash at the moment.

49. For the skier in your life, Chesterfield is the ideal cigarette for them.

Now I know skiing might be great exercise. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep your lungs free from tar and nicotine while on the slopes. Because if you don’t ruin your body in a ski accident, you’ll sure ruin it through smoking cigarettes I assure you.

50. This Christmas don’t miss the fun of smoking with Pall Mall.

Yes, don’t miss the fun of smoking and enjoy the thrills of respiratory problems, cancer, cardiovascular disease, premature aging, yellow skin, and early death. Actually, this Christmas I encourage you to miss the fun of smoking because its side effects aren’t very fun at all.

51. Only Santa Claus wouldn’t enjoy this Remington Rolectric this Christmas.

Yeah, Santa doesn’t seem to be very happy with getting a razor for his Christmas present. He’ll probably regift it to Mrs. Claus, hoping she’d use it to shave her legs.

52. May all your dreams come true this Christmas, courtesy of Marlboro.

Of course, since we’re talking about Marlboro, the tobacco company hopes that your dreams don’t consist of living a long and healthy life. Also, Santa smoking a cigarette, really not setting a great example for the kids. Bad, Santa.

53. Treat your son right this Christmas by giving him a 22 from Winchester.

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Now this ad gives dads advice on what to tell their wives when they give their boy’s a Winchester. From the ad: “Suppose you want to give a Winchester 22 to your 12-year-old. But the wife says, “It’s too dangerous now. Wait till he’s older.” What do you tell her? First, tell her exactly why you think a boy should learn to handle guns early. Tell her he may not get a chance later. And too many kids grow up thinking guns are toys. Tell her a boy’s hankering to shoot and go hunting is perfectly normal. Something he’s born with. A part of his American tradition….” Oh, God, give me freaking break.

54. Want a gun this Christmas? Remington has got you covered.

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Because no Christmas present says “Peace on Earth” than something that was designed to kill. Seriously, guns aren’t toys and are terrible Christmas presents.

55. Old Gold Cigarettes are bound to make any man look sexy this Christmas.

However, remember that the sexiness isn’t guaranteed to last if he smokes enough of them. Because he sure won’t look like this in the hospital dying of lung cancer.

56. Give underwear to your family this Christmas with Fruit of the Loom.

Now this has to be one of the most awkward Christmas photos I’ve ever seen. What’s even stranger is how everyone seems so chill with hanging around in their underwear.

57. Make this Christmas safe with Pyrene.

Okay, this looks very scary if you ask me. For one, the guy is totally freaking me out. Second, why the Christmas tree look like it’s on fire? Oh, it’s for a fire extinguisher. That makes sense. But why are the mom and kid so close to it? That’s not safe. Seriously, they need to back away.

58. Remember there are plenty of Christmas gifts made from Reynolds Aluminum.

Still, it seems like Mickey, Donald, and Dumbo get all the nice gadgets and toys while Daisy and Minnie are stuck with kitchen appliances. I’d rather get a camera or a TV than a fridge, stove, or waffle iron.

59. Want your wife to love you more? Give her a dishwasher this Christmas.

From Diply: “‘She’ll love you every time she does the dishes.’ Really? Maybe, she’ll just hold in her resentment and unleash it later.” Then again, it beats washing them in the sink. But appliances should be for the whole family.

60. For your men and boys, give the gift that lasts like Atkins “Silver Steel” Saws.

Because men certainly love a saw with a sharp blade to cut wood with. Of course, the fact psychokillers use them is only coincidental.

61. Be his Christmas star with fashions from Frederick’s of Hollywood.

Yes, bursting out of a Christmas present in a sexy gold dress and cone bra will certainly make you his Christmas star indeed. However, I’m not sure if that woman wants to be a Christmas star to the pervy guy ogling at her. That might just be a routine of hers at the Kit Kat Club.

62. Contemplate your future this holiday season with a Ouija board.

From Buzzfeed: “Really? She’s hearing from a spirit and all she can think to ask is “who’s Debbie date for the prom”!” Yeah, that’s a pretty stupid question along with “Shall I become a model or fashion designer?”

63. This Christmas treat him like a millionaire with BVD pajamas and being his servant.

I’m pretty sure this guy can take off his own slippers. But he seems too much of a douche to do so and makes his wife handle it. Jerk.

64. For the girl in your life, give her Cutex nail polish.

From Buzzfeed: “Just what every girl wants for Christmas: A drug store brand nail polish from her boyfriend.” Yeah, I’m sure no girl is vying for drug store brand nail polish this time of year.

65. Be a real Santa Claus to the wife this Christmas by giving her this washing machine.

Now I’m sure we don’t use those kinds of washing machines nowadays. Still, sexist as hell? I’ll say.

66. Tell him how lovely you are this Christmas with a new holiday party dress.

From Buzzfeed: “If you need a party dress to tell your man how “lovely you are,” then you’ve got bigger problems.” Yeah, your own insecurity. Seriously, if a man can’t see how lovely you are without a party dress, then he won’t if you’re in one.

67. Remember, fellas, nothing says romance than giving your special lady a Hoover for Christmas.

Any boyfriend who gives me a Hoover for Christmas, I swear to God, I will burst into an uncontrollable rage never seen from the depths of hell. To my future husband: a better present would be vacuuming my place when I’m away so I won’t have to deal with the freaking noise. I hate vacuum cleaners!

68. Fellas, when woman gets a recliner, she can get 2 Christmas presents at once.

From Buzzfeed: “So this is TWO Christmas gifts that she apparently doesn’t get to enjoy.” Unfortunately, yes, as a matter of fact. Then again, I think my grandparents might have a chair like this in their house.

69. Do away with a tired and thirsty face this Christmas with Coca Cola.

Now the tired face Santa just removed is just freaky to say the least. Seriously, how did the designer think this was a good idea? I mean why?

70. Nothing makes a great Christmas gift for the kids than a Glad trash bin.

Yeah, I’m sure any kid would be smiling with pride over getting their very own trash bin for Christmas. Seriously, this is a horrible present, especially for children. Also, this one is from France.

Happy Thanksgiving Greetings from Yesteryear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 14, 2015

You may not know it from the media landscape. But a long time ago, Americans celebrated (and still do to some extent) a holiday known as Thanksgiving where everyone had the day off, nearly every workplace was closed, school children had the day off, and families got together for one big turkey dinner. Some even watched football, the Macy’s parade, or the National Dog Show. Yes, we tend to honor a nice moment of friendship between Pilgrims and Indians before it all resulted in rampant Colonialism, genocide, and the French and Indian War. Oh, and New England Puritanism that led to the Salem Witch Trials. But we don’t talk about that. Now if you go further back in time, people didn’t communicate much through phone or internet. Thus, people usually wrote letters to each other to keep in touch. And on special holidays, they tended to send greeting cards. Thanksgiving was no exception to that as seen here. Now we tend to see vintage Thanksgiving cards a cutesy with turkeys and fall scenery. I can go all I want with all the great Thanksgiving cards out there. But I know you’d be bored to tears, so I go with the greeting cards that might make you scratch your head or guts churn. So without further adieu, here is a lovely assortment of Thanksgiving cards from the distant past.

Thanksgiving Day greetings from the kid who just killed his first turkey.

Is it just me or is this kid a little way too excited about killing a turkey? Not sure if he’s feeling pride or an inordinate amount of bloodlust.

2. Great wishes for this Thanksgiving from your little neighborhood Washington Redskins fan.

Yeah, because if anything pisses Native Americans off, it’s white people wearing Indian costumes. And I’m sure that kid’s not wearing an Algonquin costume.

3. Nothing makes great transportation than turkey pedal power.

Well, Gobblekins might be whipped for going too slow now and then. But at least he knows he’ll survive his next Thanksgiving as long as he puts the pedal to the metal.

4. “Thanks to him who spared our living. We’re here, we’re here till next Thanksgiving.”

These terrifying turkeys may be gobbling now. But little do they know about turkey season, which might be sooner than they think. Then again, they might be domestic.

5. “I’m the popular birdie. All right! All right!”

Unfortunately, this turkey doesn’t realize why he’s popular. I mean does he even know those are menus? Also, why is he in a top hat smoking a cigarette?

6. This turkey wishes you a joyful Thanksgiving.

Yes, the turkey is a Thanksgiving mascot. But you know why? Because we eat them. Kind of disturbing if you think about it. Still, it’s probably “final hours” in this turkey’s case.

7. Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” than turkeys discussing the contradictions of human nature.

Didn’t know how perceptive and insightful turkeys can be in their observations. Too bad it’s not going to save one of them from being decapitated.

8. Don’t worry, this turkey is just going for a “change of climate.”

Kind of reminds me what you tell children who are upset about eating a dead animal. Yeah, “change of climate” indeed.

9. Best wishes for a happy Thanksgiving and one last look at yourself, Mr. T.

Guess a turkey needs to look his best before he goes on the chopping block. Still, the girl should know not to be that close to a turkey.

10. Nothing says “Thanksgiving Greetings” than a turkey attacking an ax-wielding Pilgrim child in self defense.

“You gonna’ cut my head off, pluck off my feathers, and stuff me, are you? Not if I can help it, murderers.”

11. On Thanksgiving, a turkey should always be dressed in his best.

Yeah, but dressing in most turkeys’ case usually doesn’t apply to formal attire. Also, why the hell is he wearing pants?

12. May we wish you some Thanksgiving joys.

From Buzzfeed: “Here is a child wielding an impossibly large knife that his parents think is OK for their kid to use.” Now that’s bound to scare any parent or the turkey under him.

13. Abnormally large turkey wishes you a merry Thanksgiving.

Yes, if you saw a turkey as big as you, you’d be scared, too. And you’d be even more freaked out if it’s talking to you.

14. Happy Thanksgiving from the kids who are riding the turkey and waving the American flag.

From Buzzfeed: “Children! No! Clearly, the parents of all the kids in these cards are off drinking mead and playing grown-up leapfrog.”

15. Happy Thanksgiving and by the way, try some corn, Gobblers, and don’t look behind the pumpkin.

Man, that kid with the ax is freaking me out. I’m sure he’s killing the turkey because he’s the only one in his family with the potential of most likely becoming a serial killer.

16. “Oh, yes! I’m starred on the bill all right!”

Must be hard to be a high class city turkey on Thanksgiving. Always have to be reminded on how people spend this day eating your fellow turkey brethren.

17. Nothing makes a turkey pull the wagon better than a large knife and tongs.

It’s supposed to provide motivation for what will happen to the turkey if he doesn’t do its job properly. Still, those large utensils are freaking me out.

18. Nothing says Thanksgiving on a turkey trying to avoid his own mentality by defending his inalienable rights.

From Buzzfeed: “What this turkey is trying to say probably won’t have much effect on the outcome of his future.” Yeah, I’m sure the kid’s going to decapitate you no matter what you say.

19. Happy Thanksgiving from the turkey who’s freaking out a child.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm more freaked out by the child in this. I mean the child is just terrifying for some reason.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’m more freaked out by the child in this. I mean the kid is just so terrifying for some reason.

20. Happy Thanksgiving from the kid in the turkey costume.

Now I know people might’ve thought it was cute. But to me, it’s terrifying. Quick, can someone give me a picture of Paul Simon from that old Thanksgiving episode of SNL?

21. Happy Thanksgiving from the turkey running from the creepy kid.

Yes, I know this is supposed to look cute. But that little kid is beyond terrifying. Seriously, I want that turkey to run for his life with that thing behind him.

22. For Thanksgiving night, don’t be surprised if the turkey you ate came to your bedside beyond the grave.

Oh, yes, Gobbles would like to wish you a happy Thanksgiving by haunting your dreams. Sleep tight, suckers.

23. Uncle Sam wishes you Happy Thanksgiving greetings.

Because he is eating his Thanksgiving dinner all alone at a restaurant and desperately seeks company. So he’s eating a burnt turkey with a side of cranberries and a bottle of wine to numb his lonely feelings.

24. “May glad Thanksgivings crown your days and years.”

Yeah, nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” than a card with a turkey in a wooden crate about to be slaughtered. Seriously, why?

25. Nothing says Thanksgiving than a kid carrying a turkey dinner on a tray.

Now that might look adorable. However, there's a very strong chance she's going to trip if she continues her foot like that.

Now that might look adorable. However, there’s a very strong chance she’s going to trip if she continues skipping to her destination like that.

26. “Here’s to a rough and ready Thanksgiving!”

Didn’t know they carved turkeys at the kids’ table. Don’t you think that’s a bit of a safety hazard? Seriously, you don’t let kids do that.

27. Thanksgiving greetings to all the turkeys who were smart to remain skinny.

Now come on, a Thanksgiving card with turkeys watching two of their friends get it? Seriously, that’s just fucked up.

28. “Thanks to him who spared my living, For I’m a victim of Thanksgiving.”

Okay, those kids are clearly carrying a dead turkey. Seriously, how do I explain such images to young children?

29. “Smile for the camera, Gibblets.”

Yeah, just one more picture before the turkey gets put on the chopping block for Thanksgiving dinner. Isn’t that nice.

30. Have a glad Thanksgiving courtesy of William Bradford from 1621.

And there’s a Pilgrim shooting a turkey with a blunderbuss. Well, I guess it could be worse. Could be an Indian on that end. Oh, shit.

31. May I wish you sincere Thanksgiving greetings.

Okay, the dead turkey is disturbing enough. Also, that woman doesn’t look like an Indian. She looks more like a white woman in black braids wearing an Indian costume.

32. While turkeys are often killed for Thanksgiving dinner, some go on the warpath.

Kid: “Help! Help! The turkey’s attacking me!”
Turkey: “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

33. Happy Thanksgiving from one young turkey rider to another.

Now that turkey has to be huge for that kid to ride on it. Of course, I know what he’ll end up when he’s old and gray.

34. “May yours be a Happy Thanksgiving.”

Let’s just say if a dog was hungry, then it made a huge mistake going after a live turkey. Seriously, turkeys aren’t as dumb and docile as they’re depicted.

35. May you have a peaceful Thanksgiving.

Apparently, the turkey didn’t have a peaceful end as far as I can see. And I sure wouldn’t call it peaceful on what’s going to happen to his body next.

36. May you have a festive Thanksgiving this year.

Is it just me or does anyone think the pumpkin pie had too much wine? Also, why is almost everything in this picture have such freaky faces?

37. Happy Thanksgiving from a turkey that’s clearly going to die soon.

Now this is just messed up. Seriously, why stick a knife and pronged fork into a living turkey? That’s just sick.

38. Have a joyful Thanksgiving to you from a scary veggie man.

Now this guy looks like he could scare more crows than a scarecrow. Also, what’s with the turkey feather headdress? Okay, I don’t want to know.

39. “May you catch him in time for dinner.”

I’m sure the turkey is running for his dear life right now. Still, this woman should be happy it’s domestic. But her knife is real scary.

40. “I killed this one all by myself.”

I think I’d rather stay away from this kid. Seems like he’s a future psychokiller in the making. And it’s said they always seem to start with animals.

41. “Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving.”

I don’t know about you. But there’s something really wrong with that girl. She looks like she’s plotting something like killing somebody in their sleep.

42. Thanksgiving greetings from the jerky turkey standing over the kid.

Kid: “Let me go! Let me go!”
Turkey: “Fat chance, boy. Either your dad spares my life or you’re history.”

43. We wish you a hearty Thanksgiving greetings.

Now how that terrifying kid’s looking at that turkey just gives me the creeps. I don’t know but it doesn’t look good.

44. Happy Thanksgiving and may your turkey not go to the dogs.

Seems like this turkey dinner is gone to the dogs. Reminds me of that scene in A Christmas Story. Boy, those kids’ parents are going to be so mad when they see this.

45. Happy Thanksgiving greetings from up above.

“Shit, now they’re doing aerial hunting. Really hate what this world’s coming to.”

46. Looks like Tom Gobblers is going on a vacation this time.

Or may I say, he’s going into hiding until Thanksgiving blows over. Why wait for a pardon? Just get out an dodge.

47. Happy Thanksgiving greetings, now say your prayers, turkey.

Sure the turkey might take down that kid in a heartbeat. But that terrifying nightmare tot has an ax to swing. Yeah, this turkey’s minutes are numbered.

48. Happy Thanksgiving greetings, from all of us at the kids’ table.

Okay, now those soulless kids are certainly to tear that turkey to shreds and bring it a most painful death. Also, is that wine? Don’t think kids should be drinking that.

49. Thanksgiving greetings from all the turkeys in your neck of the woods.

Okay, now this has a turkey pulling a hansom cab, driven by another turkey and transporting another turkey. Does anyone see anything freaky about this?

50. “Good wishes for this Thanksgiving Day.”

I don’t know about you. But I sure as hell wouldn’t trust this little girl with a knife if I were you. Seems like she’s planning to kill somebody with it.

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 19, 2015

While Halloween cards are available at any store, they aren’t usually considered a Halloween tradition by most people. I mean it’s not a big card holiday by any stretch of the imagination today. After all, Halloween may be a big holiday, but it’s nowhere near as important as holidays like Christmas or Easter. However, back when everyone basically wrote letters to their loved ones, it wasn’t unusual for people to send greeting cards to their friends and family on almost every major holiday. Halloween being among them. Now some of these might be quite cutesy and delightful like you’d expect from any vintage greeting card. However, this post isn’t about them because I know showing cutesy vintage Halloween cards would make me lose disenchanted viewers. Instead, I’ll show vintage Halloween cards that might make you wonder what kind of recreational drugs greeting card designers were on during the 19th century. Some of them are quite creepy like you’d expect. Others are downright weird and possibly inappropriate. So for your reading pleasure, here are some old timey Halloween greeting cards, guaranteed to freak you out.

Nothing brings out the Halloween spirit more than pranking a cop.

Now that boy may be laughing tonight. But I'm sure that won't be the case tomorrow. Don't prank cops. That's just asking for trouble, especially if you're black.

Now that boy may be laughing tonight. But I’m sure that won’t be the case tomorrow. You know when the cop gives him a brutally violent beatdown for knocking off his hat. Don’t prank cops. That’s just asking for trouble, especially if you’re black.

2. Back in the day people played Halloween games a little differently.

Apparently fishing for apples and bondage were a big part of Halloween festivities back in the day. At least among the adults of course.

3. On Halloween night, your fate is in your hands.

So on Halloween night, don’t dress up like a sailor. Or else the angry pumpkin god will murder you. Then again, he might murder if you don’t either.

4. “On Halloween by pumpkin light, this witch will help you choose right.”

From I-Mockery: “I’m not sure what the witch is helping her choose… what shade of blush to wear perhaps? Should a person really be accepting blindfolded beauty tips from a witch?”

5. On Halloween, let the burning walnuts decide who’s right for you.

From I-Mockery: “That’s right folks, allow life’s truly important decisions to be settled by walnuts on fire. It’s a great way to decide on whom to marry, what stocks to invest in, whether or not to commit suicide, etc.”

6. Have a jolly Halloween and write back. Or else.

Something tells me that this girl might grow up to be the crazy homicidal girlfriend of her time. Really don’t have a great feeling of seeing her with that knife. Yeah, I think you might want to write that letter.

7. Halloween greetings, courtesy of the ghost pumpkin.

From I-Mockery: “It looked festive enough at first, but then it was set ablaze and took on a whole new meaning.” Guess the kids would be turned to ash by morning. Poor kids.

8. On Halloween, be aware of things that might not be what they seem.

While she didn’t know it at the time, Susie unwittingly staged the first bra burning in history. Of course, this was because she mistook a bra on the coat rack for a ghost.

9. Happy Halloween from the naked pumpkin man and his black cat.

“I’ll love ’em and squeeze ’em and keep ’em forever and ever.” Yeah, I’m sure the cat’s not liking that. Who would anyway.

10. Of course, nothing says Halloween like a romantic serenade with pumpkin heads.

Man, this seems to take out all the romance out of serenading someone. Yeah, if Romeo and Juliet were done with pumpkin heads, it would look as stupid as this.

11. There’s nothing on Halloween like spending a night stealing front gates from other people’s homes.

Better hope that the owner can afford a new gate and doesn’t call the cops. Because Halloween or not, theft and vandalism are crimes.

12. Nothing says Halloween like having pumpkin children put jack o’lanterns on their black cats.

Man, black cats really get a raw deal. If everyone doesn’t think they’re bad luck, they’re being subjected to other types of animal cruelty. Seriously, it seems like black cats bring more bad luck to themselves. Also, those pumpkin heads are freaky.

13. Scared of ghosts? Your pig will take care of it.

“Oh, shit, Howard, that pumpkin was supposed to be part of my Halloween costume this year. Now I have to go as a ghost for the 3rd year in a row.”

14. “If we were here, I’d bet I’d find a red ear.”

Hey, I didn’t know they had Oompa Loompas on Halloween greeting cards. Then again, they are quite terrifying in their own right.

15. Remember, on Halloween, the more puffs it takes to blow out a candle, the less likely you’ll be married within a year.

From I-Mockery: “And if it’s one of those trick self-relighting candles, you can sleep with the girlfriend/boyfriend of
whoever left it in front of you because that jerk just ruined your chances of ever getting married.”

16. Nothing makes great Halloween fun than shoving a wooden stake up somebody’s ass.

Oooh, sure hate to be that guy. Yeah, that’s sure going to be a real pain in the ass, literally. Good luck, sitting comfortably after that.

17. Happy Halloween greetings and don’t mind the black cats crossing your path.

From I-Mockery: “When one black cat crosses your path, it’s bad luck. When many cross your path? It’s a conga line and you had damn well better join in the fun.” Or else, you’ll probably have bad luck for the rest of your life.

18. You can’t celebrate Halloween without enjoying a piece of pumpkin pie.

Now it seems that old Jack is faced with an ethical dilemma. Though he didn’t want to offend his host, he wasn’t too keen on engaging in cannibalism either.

19. Uh-oh, seems like the witch should really check how fast she’s driving.

Because I don’t think the cucumber had long to live after this. In fact, it’s most likely he was turned into cucumber mush.

20. Surprisingly, it seems that jack o’lanterns are interested in the teachings of Jesus Christ.

Of course, they might just be reading from a pamphlet left over by some mega church or Jehovah's Witnesses. Still pretty funny though.

Of course, since they didn’t understand much of what they read in the Bible, they decided to get a book that would clear things up. Or they were just bored. I don’t know.

21. Remember that traveling with a candle at night keeps the goblins away.

However, this is only as long as the candle is unscented. Because goblins just love scented candles.

22. Just so you know, pumpkin monsters always enjoy sweets.

I’ve seen quite a lot of these in vintage Halloween cards. And I think they’re just utterly freaky as hell and designed by someone on some absinthe addiction.

23. On Halloween, you’ll see all kinds of strange things out there.

Like a pumpkin headed woman in a kimono with her eyes strung up by nailed ropes. Yeah, very strange and freaky indeed.

24. If you laugh at a witch on Halloween, you’ll be turned into a pumpkin person.

I don’t get what was so funny about the witch here. But still, a pumpkin guy like that smoking a pipe? Well, that’s just goddamn ridiculous, it’s hilarious.

25. Happy Halloween, now let’s watch these two split a guy’s acorn squash head open.

Okay, that is just plain wrong. I mean the squash obviously has a face. Makes me wonder what they did with the rest of him.

26. For a wild pig, there’s nothing on Halloween like tripping a Scotsman.

Hope the guy didn’t land on his head or he might’ve found himself in an embarrassing situation. This assuming that there’s truth in the notion that Scots wear nothing under their kilts.

27. Happy Halloween and watch out for the cops or that black cat.

Looks like that one mouse is being chased by some cop over some Halloween vandalism. Meanwhile, I’m sure the cheese holding mouse’s time with his girlfriend will be his last.

28. You “auto” have a happy Halloween.

And you “auto” not drive while on acid. I think this guy had a bit too many. Oh my God, those eyes!

29. Hope your candle stays lit at both ends this Halloween.

From I-Mockery: “Actually, if both candles stay lit, a vampire bat will come drop a load of guano in your jack-o-lantern’s nasal cavity.” Yeah, sounds about right.

30. May you have a thrilling Halloween but beware of the pumpkin ghosts.

I-Mockery: “Nothing makes for a thrilling Halloween quite like a trio of pumpkin ghosts having just raped flying black cats in the sky.” Yeah, the cats look really traumatized up there.

31. “I’ll get you, my pretty, and with my goblin army, no one will stop me.”

From I-Mockery: “I’m all for trying to scare people, but was it really necessary for that one goblin to moon this couple?Also, the actual moon is really enjoying sniffing that poor woman’s ass. Creepy.” I’ll say. Yeah, don’t want the moon sniffing up my ass either.

32. May the light keep the Devil away from you this Halloween night.

From I-Mockery: “The Devil will gladly drop his pitchfork to seize the opportunity to have a pumpkin man help shove an archaic fleshlight onto his crotch.” So that’s what the fringed bon-bon looking thing is. Don’t really see that with the devil.

33. Halloween is always known as a night for mischief.

“Oh, shit, must’ve slept over Halloween and missed the witches’ meeting. And they’re putting their Christmas decorations out now.” What an idiot.

34. Remember that on Halloween, your pumpkin could become a portal releasing a mist of evils into this world if you leave it on top of a dessert.

Now that's guaranteed to traumatize children. This is especially true with the jack o'lantern clown face.

Now that’s guaranteed to traumatize children. This is especially true with the creepy jack o’lantern clown face.

35. Of course, witches’ meetings always have to have musical accompaniment.

Yeah, I bet you’d freak out if you saw what was under that pumpkin man’s kilt. Really don’t want to know about that.

36. Happy Halloween, and don’t let Mr. McGregor chase you out of the pumpkin patch.

“Goddamn, kids, how dare you steal my pumpkins! I’ll make you pay for this! You haven’t heard the last of it!”

37. Remember to protect yourself against rouge jack o’lanterns.

Not sure who I’m more scared of in this: the fearful jack o’lantern or the creepy boy with the knife. Decisions, decisions.

38. Nothing beats the festivities on Halloween night than seeing a bunch of jack o’lanterns playing poker.

"Charlie, you might want to bow out of the game if you lose this round. I know you don't have a lot of money and you'll have to run out somehow. Besides, you've already put $500 in the pot already.

“Charlie, you might want to bow out of the game if you lose this round. I know you don’t have a lot of money and you’ll have to run out somehow. Besides, the rest of us have enough to play all night.”

39. “Don’t be scared. The goblins are just having fun. They’re not trying to hurt you.”

Yeah, those goblins are only out to have a good time, evil witch lady in red. Of course, she’s the one letting them out of the pumpkin. Not sure if I trust her.

40. Of course, Halloween is a time for lovers to make up in the pumpkin patch.

Okay, let me get this straight. These two pumpkins are making out inside another pumpkin which is watching in anticipation. Does anyone see anything wrong with that?

41. Have a safe and happy Halloween, and don’t worry about spending the night in the pumpkin patch.

If these spirits were lurking around in the pumpkin patch every night, I suppose Linus would have second thoughts about waiting for the Great Pumpkin. Yeah, he might think spending all night in the pumpkin patch just isn’t worth it.

42. Remember step away from the light!

I’m sure that kid in red is a racist caricature from the facial expression. But yeah, I’d be shitting my pants if I saw a big, moving jack o’lantern head with feathers on top.

43. Of course, human and pumpkin head pairings weren’t always frowned upon.

I see the pumpkin guy is really impressed by the night lady's ta-tas (as you can guess how creepily he stares at them). Still, God only knows what their kids would look like if they ever procreate.

I see the pumpkin guy is really impressed by the night lady’s ta-tas (as you can guess how creepily he stares at them). You can guess where this is headed.

44. Remember that ghosts could be lurking around these parts on All Hallows Eve.

While Pumpkin headed men in white sheets could be leading children to their untimely deaths. Yeah, stay way from pumpkin headed ghosts, please.

45. Remember, children, that if a pumpkin headed ghost doesn’t lead you to your death, he’ll force you to row his boat for free.

“C’mon, kid’s the night’s not going to last for ever. Row faster. Row faster.” Man, that pumpkin head is terrifying.

46. Sleep tight this Halloween night because you run the risk of being kidnapped by bat flying goblins.

I would be screaming like hell if I were that girl. But she seems more curious and calm about being abducted for some reason.

47. Of course, beware of the witches peering in windows looking for delicious children to eat.

“Let’s see. The younger girl is too skinny. The older girl is chunky enough but that doesn’t mean anything. But the little boy is muscular which is just right. Perhaps I can cook him medium rare.”

48. Apparently, demons like to torture pumpkin people in their spare time.

Like I said before, those pumpkin people are creepy as hell. I mean they look like they’re from another planet. The demons aren’t much better.

49. Don’t forget to put on a show with your costume this Halloween night.

And it seems this woman is performing a strip show with all the perverted pumpkin heads watching. And she’s about to disrobe her skull and crossbones cape.

50. “May the Halloween nutshell, unto you a good fortune tell.”

Of course, I can guess this is a vision a card designer got after drinking too much absinthe. Yeah, kind of freaky if you agree with me, especially with the jack o’lanterns on her wings.

Scary Fun with Halloween Vintage Advertising

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 17, 2015

Since Halloween has always been a popular holiday that involves costumes, parties, decorations, and trick or treating, it’s no surprise that plenty of companies try to cash in on the whole thing. And it was no different then than it is now. Of course, you have plenty of Halloween ads for food and clothes, but you also see plenty for things you might not expect like antifreeze. Besides, Halloween gives advertisers something to make money off of between Back to School and Christmas with a downtime of November in between. Yeah, I know I forgot Thanksgiving but that holiday is only celebrated in the United States and it’s not a particularly fun one at that. Well, I know it’s a big time for food advertisers. But I mostly wrote a vintage ad post for Thanksgiving because I was bored out of my mind. Still, while I can show some of the best vintage Halloween advertising, I know you’d all be bored to tears . So instead, I’ll focus on the Halloween ads that are unintentionally scary or funny, don’t seem to make sense, and have the possibility of being inappropriate. Some might feature creepy children. Some might imply scary messages. And some might seem like these advertisers would do almost anything to sell you their product. So without further adieu, here are some scary Halloween ads for your reading pleasure.

Enjoy a scary ghost story with an Edison Phonograph.

For some reason the scariest thing about this ad to me is that chubby naked kid with the mirror. He just looks so evil under the full moon that it’s disturbing.

2. Necco: Everyone’s Favorite Gobblin’ Halloween Candy.

I’m sure the giant jack o’lantern would love kiddies stuffing giant Necco wafers into his mouth. Of course, we should all know that many Necco candies have a chemical composition similar to chalk.

3. Seagram’s Five Crown: the whiskey for wasted witches.

Of course, this ad does shed life on witches like flying their broom under the influence and having people throw pumpkins at them. Of course, you never hear of either on Harry Potter.

4. With Necco wafers, there is no trick to this treat!

Yes, there is. Necco wafers are candies made from a mixture of sugar, blackboard chalk, and food coloring. They are utterly disgusting that they are usually the last items eaten in a trick or treater’s Halloween candy. That’s not my opinion that these are facts.

5. Frankenstein can’t have his Bloody Marys without Smirnoff.

Of course, Frankenstein has admitted in this ad that he has a drinking problem. So when he goes on the rampage at night, he’s not angry. He’s just going through an alcohol withdrawal because he was kicked out of a bar or the bars closed.

6. US Royal Master: The ultimate tire….engineered to meet the unexpected such as slamming on the brakes so you don’t run over a bunch of trick or treaters paying no damn attention to the freaking road!

Of course, this ad runs like the driver doesn’t even know that it’s Halloween when kids trick or treat that time of night. Then again, trick or treaters crossing the street don’t pose as much of a danger as the drunk Halloween partier on the way home.

7. Witchal: From the woods to relieve your pain.

Available at your local witches’ coven near you. Just follow the cloud of smoke in the forest. Except if you live in California or Texas. Then you might need to call 911.

8. When his body was wreaking havoc in Sleepy Hollow, the Headless Horsemen’s head stayed behind to party.

Now this just fucked up. In fact, I didn’t know the Headless Horseman had a head and wasn’t just terrorizing Icabod Crane. Seriously, do you really need an ad like this for M&Ms? If Mars wanted to advertise M&Ms for Halloween, they could just use Yellow and Red.

9. Nissen’s Old Home Bread has vitamins and minerals for extra nourishment.

Is it just me or does this party scene look utterly creepy? The kids on the left seem like they’re about to do something sinister. The girl seems like casting some black magic spell on the apples. And the little girl in the corner appears that she might want to take the stool from under her.

10. Sanka Coffee: the witches’ brew guaranteed to calm your dad’s anger issues.

The last Sanka ad I featured back in May depicted a rather abusive father. This one depicts a rather angry one. So is Sanka trying to say that their coffee clamps down on domestic violence? Because I think it’s a bit extreme to say so.

11. Scare claims fool no one, so trust Old Gold for a treat instead of a treatment!

Cigarette ads fool no one. All they do is trick people into a very bad health habit that leads to respiratory problems, cancer, heart disease, yellow skin, and early death. And if you think that’s scary, they also cause the same problems for people who have to deal with smokers. This is why so many public places have smoking bans.

12. This Halloween treat your kids to undergarments from the Minneapolis Knitting Works.

Now I know people had more kids than usual in those days. However, this fact doesn’t make an ad featuring a bunch of them in their underwear any less awkward. Also, I think the little girl in white might have murder on the mind. She seems to have no soul.

13. Wake up this Halloween morning with Cream of Wheat cereal.

Now this would make a decent ad but Rastah had to show up and ruin it. Go away, Rastah. You’re a stereotypical racist caricature known to offend African Americans. The world doesn’t need you. Also, that girl looks as if she has no eyes.

14. Trust Johnson & Johnson for all your pumpkin carving injuries.

Is it just me or is the mom seem to relish a bit too much in knife usage. “Now this is how I’ll stab the hell out your father next time I catch him with one of those drunk whores at the bar. He’ll learn his lesson.”

15. Raisins: The Halloween fruit treat that makes everybody happy.

Actually children don’t like raisins. Nor do adults in that matter. Seriously, whenever I bite into a raisin cookie, I usually have a bad taste of disappointment that it wasn’t chocolate chip. If I knew it was a raisin cookie, I wouldn’t have eaten it in the first place.

16. Have Halloween fun with Skinless Wieners by making your very own Weeny Witch.

Of course, Skinless Wieners alone incites enough shits and giggles, since it’s a product you really don’t want to Google. Not sure what to think about the Weeny Witch. That’s just ridiculous.

17. Wrigley’s Spearmint Gum comes with a bewitching mint leaf flavor.

And I have to admit that between these two guys, the one in the mask is far less terrifying. The other one looks as if he wants to strangle you and play with your insides. Also, what’s with the arrows? Don’t see the point.

18. With Jello, the Halloween party fun never seems to stop.

Of course, it doesn’t help for this woman that the nieghborhood’s kids are all brats. Yeah, good luck with that.

19. Staying young the vampire way by drinking a full glass of blood every day.

Of course, with a recommendation like that, a vampire might need to rob a blood bank once in awhile. Still, it’s not real blood. Just juice. But yeah, kind of creepy.

20. There are fewer tricks when you treat them with Sun Maid raisins.

Once again, most people don’t like raisins, especially children. Remember what I said about raisin cookies.

21. With such shades, send monstrous shivers down his spine and make his blood run hot and cold.

I’m sure you don’t want to attract guys like these at your Halloween party. Well, Frankenstein’s monster is all right. But the vampire might stick his fangs in you, which wouldn’t be good.

22. There’s nothing on Halloween like carving a pumpkin alongside a nice glass of beer.

Not sure if you should drink alcohol while carving a pumpkin for little Sue. Yeah, I know her dad is overseas but still. Sharp objects and alcohol don’t really mix.

23. Enjoy drinking with an 18th century ghost with Mount Vernon Whiskey.

Then again, if you’re sharing a toast with a 18th century ghost, you might what we call, “drunk.” The ghost might be an hallucination. Of course, it’s been said that George Washington actually drank whiskey for breakfast.

24. Of course, ghosts always love to haunt places that serve Schlitz beer.

Yeah, I can totally see why ghosts would love to haunt bars. I’m sure they can appear as much as they like while patrons who’ve seen them might wonder whether they had too much to drink. Why go to haunted houses when they can mess up with drunks?

25. With colors by Cutex, bewitch him by day and make him mad for you under the moon.

From what I've learned in horror movies, you really don't want to attract mummies and werewolves (save maybe Remus Lupin). Seriously, ladies, I know how this goes and you will not like it.

From what I’ve learned in horror movies, you really don’t want to attract mummies and werewolves (save Remus Lupin). Seriously, ladies, I know how this goes and you will not like it. I mean these women look like they’re totally asking for it.

26. Get your Ben Cooper Sesame Street costume for Halloween at Plaid Stallions.

For some reason, I don’t think Big Bird likes Ernie too much. Seems like Big Bird has a seething hatred for him that he wants to murder him in his sleep.

27. Break tradition this year with Runrico Rumkin.

And I thought that the pumpkin spice craze was new thing. Turns out I was wrong. Seriously, pumpkin flavored vodka? That’s ridiculous.

28. Nothing makes families happier on Halloween than good clothes from Kuppenheimer.

From Waylou: “Something about this whole scene makes me think of Tim Burton’s ‘Batman’ and the scene when the Joker finds out what the chemical plant accident turned him into.”

29. Munching on Milky Ways while trick or treating is always sweet stalkin.’

Yeah, sweet stalkin’ really? Is this because it’s a stalk munching? Or is it because the one dressed as a stalk is watching the object of their desires get in the shower. If the latter, there might be prison time.

30. Are your guests upset by the “Ghosts of the Past?”

Of course, if you were that woman, you’d freak out, too, if you looked in the mirror and saw a ghost with an outhouse. In fact, anyone would. Except maybe old people who might musingly think of their childhoods.

31. Put on a happy face this Halloween by getting Masquerade Makeup at Don Post Studios.

If you don’t understand why some people are afraid of clowns, you need to see this. Seriously, that clown is just simply terrifying if you ask me.

32. With Sylvania flash bulbs, it’s easier to flash a picture than ring a doorbell.

Boy, that kid’s costume is so creepy. I think the guy should at least not take a picture. Yeah, that might not be a good idea.

33. For grown up trick or treating, Dutch Masters cigars are no trick and all treat.

“Guess we should get these cigars for all the neighbors next year, assuming that all of them don’t die of lung cancer first.” Seriously, tobacco products kill 1 out of 3 users a year.

34. Morton Salt has the magic touch for Halloween.

Is it just me or does the Morton Salt girl seem to scare the freaking bejesus out of me in this? Seriously, that girl looks so creepy.

35. Gibbs style knit underwear gives only the best for your baby.

I don’t think having children flying brooms unsupervised is my idea of aviation safety, let alone in their underwear. Also, I don’t think kids typically hang out in their underwear anyway.

36. Kellogg’s Snack Pak is sweet Hallow eaten.’

Is it just me or does this little blond boy look really menacing with a mustache and goatee? He just looks incredibly evil with his grin for some reason. I don’t know.

37. Treat them to delicious Halloween candies straight from Brach’s.

Seems like this kid is desperate for candy that he’ll eat basically anything. Seriously, Brach’s makes candy corn which is made from food coloring, sugar, and wax. It’s disgusting. Also, I have a bad feeling about that kid.

38. For your Halloween cuisine, grease your pans with Crisco.

From PopSugar: “Look, mother! Doesn’t this huge bowl of trans fat look delicious?” I think the Crisco is used for greasing pans while baking. Not food. For God’s sake, lady, get a clue.

39. For this Halloween, go happy with Lucky Strike.

Is this just me or does this woman not seem altogether there? Yeah, I’m sure if her boyfriend cheats on her, she’ll probably slit his throat in the dead of night and chop it off into a bunch of tiny bits she’ll feed to the sharks.

40. This Halloween, be bright, be light and have a Pepsi.

Because nothing makes you look more fabulous in a skin tight leotard than a major contributor to obesity and Type II Diabetes. Yeah, because nothing helps you lose weight faster than a bunch of empty calories (sarcasm).

41. Remember that no Halloween mask scares of a man as much as “morning mouth.”

Actually I think waking up next to a pumpkin headed woman might freak out a man more than halitosis. Seriously, would you want to be married to the Headless Horseman? Neither would I.

42. Don’t let budget troubles scare you with Spun-ls lingerie.

From PopSugar: “Oh hey, I’m just using a sharp knife to carve a pumpkin in my underwear.” Seriously, who the hell carves pumpkins in their underwear? That’s crazy! I mean why?

43. Don’t let medical claims scare you from smoking Old Gold.

Well, at least the jack o’lantern knows that smoking is bad for you. But still, the medical claims about smoking being bad for your health, they’re pretty legit. Seriously, cigarettes kill people all the time.

44. Remember this Halloween sit back and relax with a Coke.

From Waylou: “Even though we should be focusing on the uplifting Coca Cola message here, the way the couple in the ad look suggests something “dirty” is going on while shooting this one.” Also, I don’t think she looks “relaxing” to me, given the guy’s creepy smile.

45. Remember, America, even the Great Pumpkin is voting for Nixon-Agnew.

Okay, I guess the Great Pumpkin cared more about supporting Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew than showing up for Linus in the pumpkin patch. Seriously, Great Pumpkin, can’t you just show up for Linus for once on Halloween? He really believes in you despite being constantly disappointed by your absence. Don’t break his heart.

46. Make Ted Nugent a part of your Halloween tradition this year.

God, are those kids dressed up as Ted Nugent freak or what? And that’s when he was considerably less scary than he is now. Seriously, the guy’s on Fox News and is a total gun nut. Really don’t want to go to any of his concerts.

47. Of course, pull off the neatest trick or treat this year with Microsheen shoe polish.

Hey, who knew that sexy Halloween costumes were a new thing? Seriously, this lady puts today’s slutty witch to shame. Then again, I may be wrong.

48. When children see a house that has Brach’s, they will always ring the doorbell.

Actually, children hate Brach’s Candy. This is particularly because they sell candy corn, you know inedible Halloween sugar wax. Also the kid in the cat costume gives me the creeps.

49. Treat your family to a Halloween vegetable beef loaf this year. They’ll love it.

Okay, this looks really disgusting. You know, like the kind of stuff you dog vomits after being freaked out by a ghost. Yeah that.

50. Buy your trick or treat candy with Brach’s.

And by “candy” we don’t mean a sexy witch on a broom. She’s just posing on this ad to appeal to a male demographic. If you want candy like her, go to a strip club.

51. Crest is here to remind you that tonight’s treats can turn into tomorrow’s tricks.

And this little witch is currently plotting to put her parents into a hot brick oven. Yes, she’s about as evil incarnate as they come.

52. No elegant ghost would settle for less than Dan River sheets.

Basically this company is saying: “Go ahead, use our product for your Halloween ghost costumes. We don’t care if you ruin it.” Something tells me this company was desperate for buyers that year.

53. Take Halloween flash shots and enter into the General Electric picture contest.

Seems that kid really has other things on his mind than just taking pictures. Then again, to him it’s an alternative to murder.

54. Nothing makes better syrup for Halloween breakfast for the Dionne quintuplets than Karo.

Of course, after these kids are done with their waffles, they plan to kill their parents, put them through a wood chipper, and throw their remains in the river. Of course, the real Dionne quints were exploited by their publicity seeking parents by the way.

55. You’re never sticking your neck out with a Litronix calculator.

You’d almost think with all the vampire references here, this one was catering to Count von Count. Of course, the Count should’ve been used in this ad anyway. But the vampire seems to show no interest in the blond just the same.

56. “Show me a filter cigarette that delivers taste and I’ll eat my hat.”

Go ahead. Eating your hat would be much better for your health than smoking a Lucky Strike or any cigarette for that matter. At least eating a hat won’t increase your child’s chances of suffering an early death from lung cancer.

57. Get all the jack o’lanterns looking at you with Hanes hoisery.

For some reason, jack o’lanterns can be such perverts. One is even looking up that woman’s skirt. Yeah, kind of disturbing if you think about it.

58. Karo is a syrup enjoyed by the Dionne Quintuplets on Halloween night.

These were real girls by the way. But by how they’re drawn, I wouldn’t trust them with a sharp carving knife if I were their parents. I’d be afraid of them killing me in my sleep.

59. Trick or treat with Roxbury candies, the bargain choice.

I’ll keep that in mind, clown of my nightmares. Seriously, that clown looks as though he wants you to buy these candies so he can murder trick or treaters during the night.

60. Treat your trick or treaters to a box from the Post Treat Pak.

Is it just me, or is this little Frankenstein even creepier without the mask. Yeah, I’m sure a small box of cereal will keep this boy from murdering your cat or setting your house on fire. Not.

61. Cracker Jack makes is the perfect trick that makes the perfect treat anytime.

You mean the carmelized popcorn that contains a lousy sticker prize in the box. Yeah, I’m sure (sarcasm). Still, if it keeps the demonic children away the rest of the night, then I have no complaints.

62. Actors’ faces are extra sensitive to shaving cream. That’s why Boris Karloff uses Williams.

Of course, remember don't tell Boris Karloff that he looks like Boris Karloff when he's in Jonathan Brewster mode. Of course, he did originate the role of Jonathan Brewster on Broadway but he wasn't available for the movie. So Canadian Raymond Massey was cast in his role instead.

Of course, remember don’t tell Boris Karloff that he looks like Boris Karloff when he’s in Jonathan Brewster mode (his character in Arsenic and Old Lace hated being compared to Karloff so much that he killed people over it). Of course, he did originate the role of Jonathan Brewster on Broadway but he wasn’t available for the movie. So Canadian Raymond Massey was cast in his role instead.

63. Elvira recommends to cut through paper based CASE products with LBMS.

Of course, sex sells as we know in advertising. Even when it comes to unsexy things like computer and office products. Still, I think Elvira would’ve made a less ridiculous ad if she appeared one featuring a chainsaw.

64. Olin batteries are great for trick or treaters’ flashlights.

However, they also allow trick or treaters’ costumes to appear more visible at night. Sometimes scaring the hell out of the neighbors.

65. Can’t get enough of peanuts? Have a Pay Day.

And it looks like this guy will probably have to make a run for the store after he’s done with this trick or treater. He might also need to get some outdoor cleaning supplies and air freshener as well.

66. Refresh yourself this Halloween with the great taste of Coca Cola.

I don’t know about you, but I’m wondering whether the little blond boy might be a spawn of Satan. I mean look at him. Never mind that he’s trying to get a jack o’lantern to drink pop.

67. This Halloween grab a Snickers and you can win $200,000 in their Be Home for Herman contest.

Of course, Herman Munster isn’t himself when he’s hungry. Believe me, I saw The Munster’s Thanksgiving episode when he tried to go on a diet. And he basically broke into a neighbor’s house eating everything.

68. Make Budweiser the beer for your Halloween party this year.

From PopSugar: “When was the last time you saw a modern ad with a woman eating cheese and drinking beer? This ad says to me: hey, it’s OK to enjoy the finer and fattier things in life every once in a while!”

69. When you know your beer this Halloween, it’s bound to be Bud.

From PopSugar: “When you drink Bud all night, you won’t even need a mask to have a creepy drunk face!” Exactly. After all, your drunk face is probably much scarier. Or will be when it becomes a hangover face.

70. Reddi Whip: The perfect partner in the perfect pumpkin pie.

From PopSugar: “Whipped cream: the perfect way to have your kids bouncing off the walls and sticking their heads in pumpkins.” Wonder how that kid’s going to get his head out of this one. Yeah, I think he might need to wait. Mummy’s baking and must not be disturbed.

The Dark Scary World of Vintage Halloween Costumes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 16, 2015

During my first Halloween on WordPress in 2013, I did a couple posts on inappropriate Halloween costumes (one for everyone and another one for children). This October I did a post on DIY Halloween costumes and runway fashions that are more appropriate for Halloween in my opinion. This time I’m going with vintage Halloween costumes or what kind of outfits your grandparents wore while they were trick or treating. Now Halloween isn’t a new holiday by any means. I mean it’s one that’s blended with customs pertaining to Celtic pagan and medieval Christian rituals. And people have been dressing up in costumes for parties and trick or treating for ages. Still, when you look at some of these old vintage photos, you get the impression of how bizarre and creepy many of these costumes were. I don’t know if it’s the black and white photography or how costumes were made back then. But the effect is pretty scary and terrifying. Other costumes are just plain weird and some aren’t nearly as wholesome as you’d expect at the time. So without further adieu, here are an assortment of vintage Halloween costumes that might scare the bejesus out of you that you might find a contemporary slasher horror movie less terrifying.

In the olden days, it was suggest that you beware of ghosts within.

On second thought, I’ll take my chances with the ghosts. The rabbit in this picture is way more terrifying. Reminds me of those old scary Easter Bunnies I posted about.

2. Looks like this devil spawn wants some more cake.

Yes, I know that’s really a harmless little kid in a devil costume. But the fearsome makeup just makes me squirm.

3. When these kids show up at your doorstep for trick or treat, you better give them candy or else.

Let’s just say that five candy bars are a small price to pay to keep them from haunting your dreams. Not so scared of the witch as I am of the clowns and the ones with skull masks.

4. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the Fly from the 19th century.

Now this is a costume from 1865. Or so I think. Still, it’s a bit too realistic for my taste. Well, except that he’s not wearing a mask.

5. This little ghost just wants some candy.

So give it out now or it will haunt your door step forever. And unlike what you see in Casper, this ghost does not look friendly at all.

6. It’s said that rabbits and hedgehogs had to be stylish gentlemen back then.

Now the suits are quite stylish. But the heads are quite freaky. Guess they had furries, too, back in the day.

7. You better not diss this witch.

You really don’t want to mess with Broomhilda. Yes, she not be pleasant. But you don’t want her to turn you into a newt. Or worse. So fork over the Crunch bar now.

8. Of course, not every dressed up as monsters, supernatural entities, clowns, or animals for Halloween. This person dressed up as a little girl with pigtails.

Now I know this isn’t a kid by any means. However, the toys and smile don’t make her less terrifying. Yeah, certainly scares the hell out of me.

9. Though women are said to be afraid of spiders, it’s not always the case.

You see, the sexy costume trend isn’t as recent as you think. Still, despite this image not being at least PG, spiderwebs are an appropriate Halloween motif.

10. Of course, Disney characters were very popular during your grandparents’ childhoods. And people did dress as them for Halloween, too.

Okay, I may not be a fan of Mickey and Minnie (nor Disney cartoons in general). But these two really give me the impression that the old Disneyland was way terrifying than I imagined.

11. Behold, the original Michelin Tire Man.

And he’s smoking a cigar, lovely. Now Michelin was founded in 1889 and the Michelin Man has been around since 1898. So it’s probably possible that such Michelin Man costume existed at the time.

12. I’d watch it with the skeleton if I were that clown.

Yeah, the skeleton looks pretty terrifying and seems to have something in his hand. Then again, the clown looks pretty freaky, too.

13. Of course, gnomes were a popular costume choice as well. And I’m sure as hell that they weren’t scary either.

I was wrong. These gnomes are terrifying. Why can’t they just look like chubby fat guys with Santa Claus beards? Seriously, it’s far less terrifying.

14. Like today, sometimes whole families would have their own costume theme.

And I suppose everyone here is dressed like ghosts in order to scar the neighbors. Then again, they were probably very easy to make. But they’re just as scary.

15. Of course, before there were cars, you couldn’t possibly go trick or treating without your horse. Well, if you had one.

And since they’re going as skeletons, the horses should follow suit as well. Still, I think it would be easier for the horses if one of them just went as the Headless Horseman.

16. Beware of the little devil in the babushka.

I would also be careful around the creepy clown, too. Not sure about the other kid in a mask.

17. When it comes to this couple, the female is deadlier than the male.

And I also get the impression that they went Dutch that year. Man went for the high class Dutch. Woman decided to be a Dutch homicidal housewife.

18. Of course, Halloween parties were quite popular. Hope none were incredibly horrifying.

On second thought, I’m kind of relieved that I wasn’t around to attend this party. This seems to be a rather terrifying photo op indeed. I guess the competition in the scary costume contest is brutal.

19. Group costumes were also popular as well. This one is of a bearkeeper, bear, and hunter.

Now we wouldn’t have a group costume like that today, just because we don’t chain up bears anymore. Still, the bear is quite terrifying and so is the kid.

20. I’d watch my step if I were that cat.

If it knows what evil that clown is capable of, it would know to keep away. Seriously, that clown gives the Joker a run for his money.

21. Costume Theme: Where the Wild Things Are as a horror movie.

Okay, these costumes are quite horrifying to say the least. Wouldn’t want to take a walk in that forest if you ask me.

22. Don’t want to know what this person has up their sleeve.

Let’s hope that this person doesn’t wear this costume when kids come over for trick or treating. Wait a minute, it was probably made just for the occasion.

23. Halloween parades were said to be quite popular and it was no exception in the olden days.

Strangely, the kid going as Peter Pan is the least terrifying thing in this picture. And he’s known for creeping into houses and kidnapping children. Yeah, I don’t see any appeal of that story.

24. For Halloween, this woman is going as a Sopwith Camel.

The Sopwith Camel was a British fighter plane during WWI. Don’t see any reason why it should be made into a sexy costume. That’s just crazy.

25. Say cheese, and don’t mind the black shadowy figure behind you.

After this picture was taken, the children in the foreground were never seen again. This was no surprise as you see how the Grim Reaper decided to pose with them for Halloween.

26. Guess C-3PO has seen better days.

Yeah, I know it’s supposed to be an alien and the picture was taken before Star Wars. But still, the person really looks like a ragged C-3PO.

27. Back in the day, nothing won a costume contest than dressing up as a pig’s insides.

This was for a fancy dress ball in London, which took place in April. But it would’ve been better if he wore it on Halloween. He even designed it himself. What a sick and demented man.

28. Of course, a spider web dress was seen as the height of 1920s Halloween fashion.

This is the 1920s silent film actress, Louise Brooks. She’s best known for playing Lulu in the 1929 Pandora’s Box. Her best known moves were heavily censored. She didn’t last in movies for long.

29. Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf?

Somehow, I don’t feel that this dog is doomed for a bad end. I’m sure the wolf is bound to make it his dinner. Just have a feeling.

30. “For Christ’s sake, who are you calling chicken?”

Now that’s the most realistic rooster costume I’ve ever seen. Guess this was for a costume contest. Still, looks like someone you don’t want to mess with.

31. Of course, witches are known to show great hospitality to trick or treaters.

The fact some trick or treaters are never seen again has nothing to do with it. After all, why would an old lady like that would want to prey on children? You think she might put them in a cauldron or oven.

32. It’s said that some skeleton ladies were known to be quite stylish back in the turn of the century.

Of course, they intended to make a grand entrance to the Halloween party. Didn’t mean to terrify anyone in the process.

33. Let’s hope these adventurers don’t mind the dancing skeleton in the background.

I don’t know about you but that skeleton is very terrifying to say the least. Maybe it’s the photography but I’m not sure.

34. Seems like she has found herself between a goat man and a satyr.

Let’s just say, I’m not sure which guy is more terrifying. Also, that’s a very skimpy and unflattering satyr costume if you ask me.

35. When making Halloween costumes, sometimes you have to go with what you got.

Guess these two are either space aliens or inspectors at some nuclear power plant. Not sure which. Probably the former.

36. Sometimes wearing a mask can change your whole personality.

Strange that the least scary kid in this is the one with devil horns. The girl in the donkey head is particularly terrifying to say the least. The ones in masks aren’t much better.

37. Sometimes sibling Halloween pictures are adorable, especially when the kids are young. Not sure about this one.

Okay, seems like these two kids have succeeded in haunting my dreams. Seriously, what was it about the creepy masks?

38. Yes, a masked jester can be quite terrifying to say the least. Best keep the mask off.

On second thought, he might want to keep the mask on since he’s pretty terrifying without it. What was I thinking?

39. “Hello, we want to play with you.”

I know the kids are real little in this. But still, their costumes are simply terrifying beyond all reason. Maybe it’s the masks. Maybe not.

40. May I present to you, Castle Tower Man.

Wonder if this was a rejected character from Beauty and the Beast. Sure seems like it. Then again, it’s a pretty crazy costume if you ask me.

41. Of course, you should know better than to cross the pig butcher.

Looks like this porker is through with bringing the bacon at the expense of his fellow swine. What I wonder is why this pig thought being a butcher was a good career path in the first place.

42. Is this kid supposed to be a hobo clown? Wait, I may not want to know.

Now that’s pretty terrifying to say the least. Makes me want to go pale and run away in fear.

43. “All hail the powerful Pumpkin king.”

I’m sure what they’re doing here is harmless and nothing to be afraid of. Honestly, I’m sure it’s not some type of evil spirit worship. Then again, you might want to run.

44. This clown really wants you to give him candy.

And no, you really don’t want to see him in the moonlight. As Lon Chaney says, “A clown is never funny in the moonlight.” He had a point.

45. Hey, look, a scarecrow family. Sure they’re just as rustic as all the scarecrows you see in fields.

Actually I was wrong. These scarecrows can really scare crows and other creatures. Hell, they can scare the hell out of people like me.

46. Now she’s just a little girl in the pumpkin patch. Hope there’s nothing scary to see here.

Okay, this little girl is creepy as hell. I mean just look at her face. Really something that gives people nightmares.

47. Didn’t know that the Prince of Darkness had his own office in Hell.

Then again, it seems likely that Satan is a top executive in some major hedge fund company on Wall Street. Not sure why. Then again, the place is filled with scum and villainy that never get prosecuted or put in jail.

48. Of course, in the olden days, we have to be aware that some people dressed up as racist caricatures.

Yes, many of these costumes are terrifying. But if you’re black and/or Native American, only the clown and witch won’t offend you. Also, I think the Indian princess might work for the Washington Redskins or Cleveland Indians.

49. Seems like we have a dangerous psycho killing horror villain on the loose.

Yes, he does kind of remind me of some slasher horror movie villain for some reason. Hope he just says out of my town. Guess there might be people in his neighborhood who won’t see the light of day when he’s through with them.

50. I see the skeleton preferred to come in a nightgown this time.

Talk about creepy as hell. Still, I’m sure the third one in this picture is bound to offend some people of color. Not sure what the other two women are, not that I want to know.

51. Nothing is more creepy on Halloween than seeing a little kid with a head like this.

Now that costume is bound to win the Scariest Costume Award at the Halloween kiddie party. Of course, it’s sure to scare the living shit out of everyone. I’m sure it this child will make playmates wet their pants or beds.

52. Sometimes a tune won’t let the old goat down.

Don’t usually think goats as scary. But this one looks horrifying enough to haunt my dreams. And no, I really don’t want to hear any tunes from that horn.

53. Remember that some ghouls might walk the street in quite stylish attire.

For some reason, this guy reminds me of Jim Carrey’s character from The Mask. Well, if he gained a few pounds anyway. Also bears some resemblance to a character from Ghostbusters.

54. Here we have a clown with a couple of dolls. Hope nothing goes wrong with that.

Is it just me or are these people seem like they can kill you in their sleep in the middle of the night? Just a thought.

55. Always remember to put on your best face this Halloween season.

Now I’ve seen people in sexy and scantily clad costumes before. But this is just ridiculous and terrifying at the same time. Seriously, this is something you’d see on a very bad acid trip.

56. For some reason, giant eyes scare me. Not sure why.

Okay, I can see why this time. Yeah, eye heads really can be terrifying. This is especially in black and white photography.

57. Oh, look, the astronaut kid wants you to hold his jack o’lantern.

On second thought, thanks but no thanks. Yeah, I know this isn’t supposed to be a scary costume. But the kid creeps me out just the same.

58. Don’t make the Devil get his pronged fork out. I’m just saying.

Now I know devil is a popular costume choice. But it seems that a lot of these vintage devils can sure scare the hell out of you.

59. Now this witch may fly with a broom but her preferred ground transport is bicycle.

Yeah, really don’t want to see her riding around during the night. Still, at least she can’t kidnap children with it. If she wanted to, she should’ve bought a windowless van.

60. This Halloween, this group decided to go as a Texas couple with two oil derricks.

Is it just me or do I find the idea of oil derrick costumes a bit too strange? Then again, it must be the arms sticking out of the derricks that’s disturbing.

61. Now I’m sure this circus clown is up to no good.

After all, what circus clown doesn’t have the face of Rip Taylor? Like all of them.

62. Sure this bug can fly but he would rather ride his bike in the countryside.

Now this would be the beginning of a terrific horror movie. I’m sure this guy would be the one who kills most of the characters.

63. Sure a bunny can be a popular but not scary costume for kids this Halloween.

On second thought, I was wrong. In fact, those rabbit ears look suspiciously like devil horns. Looks like this is a job for the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. But since you must likely don’t have it, run away. Run away!

64. Clowns are also popular kid costumes as well. Little kids always look so cute in ruffles and a pointy clown hat.

Sorry, but I think your granma’s creepy old dolls have just come back to life. You might want to evacuate the premises for your own good. Yeah, you’ll have nightmares but nothing you can do about that.

65. “Okay, folks, seems like the gang’s all here.”

“Now let us all just take one picture of ourselves before we go out sucking the souls out of people. We want to remember this occasion, don’t we?”

66. Hey, did I just see a ghost?

Yeah, sometimes the heavy urban pollution can make some people look scarier than they appear. The kid in a ghost costume is one of them.

67. Of course, when it comes to scaring the crap out of people, always start them while they’re young.

From Huffington Post: “What if we told you this wasn’t a costume? And that this baby is in your house? And you’re in a Spanish horror film?”

68. Say hello to the pumpkinhead girl and her friend.

Actually I really don’t. Now I don’t find jack o’lanterns particularly scary. But this one is utterly terrifying for some reason.

69. A Japanese scarecrow? Never seen that before.

Man, didn’t know that could actually scare crows, critters, and people. Certainly don’t want to see that wandering the streets at night.

70. Didn’t know that anteaters could be so romantic.

Okay, this picture sure won’t make me look at anteaters the same way again. Are you sure these guys eat ants? Because these two are certainly bound to scare me to death.

71. Of course, fairies are a popular Halloween costume that’s not scary. At least I hope so.

Now I really don’t want to mess with these two. Yeah, the masks really makes them seem quite menacing and real terrors in their own right.

72. “I told you we should’ve done Alice in Wonderland this year.”

Now that gnome is as creepy as hell. The women dressed as mushrooms is just freaky. Sure this wasn’t a hallucinogenic drug trip? Because it sure looks like it.

73. Seems like this little pumpkin is excited to go trick or treating.

Now this is freaky if you ask me and sure to scare the hell out of me. Then again, this might be just the black and white photography here.

74. Of course, sometimes it pays to be original in regards to Halloween costumes.

Now this woman is supposed to be lettuce. Yes, lettuce. However, she more or less looks like you’d expect to marry the Jolly Green Giant. Then again, I’m not sure if he’d approve of that outfit.

75. “Let’s be phones for Halloween by taking a couple old ones and putting it on our heads.”

Don’t pictures like these make you glad that we have cell phones today. Because these look quite freaky. Yeah, that can’t be good.

76. Didn’t know a long shawl can make a great ghost costume.

Seems quite simple and scary but it works. Let’s hope she can see through it though. And that she doesn’t spill anything.

77. Looks like this boy’s parents are going out for a party.

And I’m sure this photo will make him always remember what to tell his therapist some years down the line. Yeah, that kid is certainly screwed up for life.

78. Guess all horror movie villains always have to start small.

And I’m sure this little boy will grow up killing and scaring a lot of teenagers some day. Yeah, just you wait until he becomes a holy terror.

79. “Come along here, little children. Come get some candy. I won’t bite.”

Okay, kids, you might want to stay the hell away from this person. You don't want to be put in a brew, oven, fireplace, or worse.

Okay, kids, you might want to stay the hell away from this person. You don’t want to be put in a brew, oven, fireplace, windowless van, or worse.

80. These people prefer to haunt more high class Halloween parties.

Now the guy certainly has a real vibe I’d identify with the Joker. However, I think the woman is more likely to scare the living hell out of me. Must be the menacing mask.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: vintage