You may not know it from the media landscape. But a long time ago, Americans celebrated (and still do to some extent) a holiday known as Thanksgiving where everyone had the day off, nearly every workplace was closed, school children had the day off, and families got together for one big turkey dinner. Some even watched football, the Macy’s parade, or the National Dog Show. Yes, we tend to honor a nice moment of friendship between Pilgrims and Indians before it all resulted in rampant Colonialism, genocide, and the French and Indian War. Oh, and New England Puritanism that led to the Salem Witch Trials. But we don’t talk about that. Now if you go further back in time, people didn’t communicate much through phone or internet. Thus, people usually wrote letters to each other to keep in touch. And on special holidays, they tended to send greeting cards. Thanksgiving was no exception to that as seen here. Now we tend to see vintage Thanksgiving cards a cutesy with turkeys and fall scenery. I can go all I want with all the great Thanksgiving cards out there. But I know you’d be bored to tears, so I go with the greeting cards that might make you scratch your head or guts churn. So without further adieu, here is a lovely assortment of Thanksgiving cards from the distant past.
- Thanksgiving Day greetings from the kid who just killed his first turkey.
Is it just me or is this kid a little way too excited about killing a turkey? Not sure if he’s feeling pride or an inordinate amount of bloodlust.
2. Great wishes for this Thanksgiving from your little neighborhood Washington Redskins fan.
Yeah, because if anything pisses Native Americans off, it’s white people wearing Indian costumes. And I’m sure that kid’s not wearing an Algonquin costume.
3. Nothing makes great transportation than turkey pedal power.
Well, Gobblekins might be whipped for going too slow now and then. But at least he knows he’ll survive his next Thanksgiving as long as he puts the pedal to the metal.
4. “Thanks to him who spared our living. We’re here, we’re here till next Thanksgiving.”
These terrifying turkeys may be gobbling now. But little do they know about turkey season, which might be sooner than they think. Then again, they might be domestic.
5. “I’m the popular birdie. All right! All right!”
Unfortunately, this turkey doesn’t realize why he’s popular. I mean does he even know those are menus? Also, why is he in a top hat smoking a cigarette?
6. This turkey wishes you a joyful Thanksgiving.
Yes, the turkey is a Thanksgiving mascot. But you know why? Because we eat them. Kind of disturbing if you think about it. Still, it’s probably “final hours” in this turkey’s case.
7. Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” than turkeys discussing the contradictions of human nature.
Didn’t know how perceptive and insightful turkeys can be in their observations. Too bad it’s not going to save one of them from being decapitated.
8. Don’t worry, this turkey is just going for a “change of climate.”
Kind of reminds me what you tell children who are upset about eating a dead animal. Yeah, “change of climate” indeed.
9. Best wishes for a happy Thanksgiving and one last look at yourself, Mr. T.
Guess a turkey needs to look his best before he goes on the chopping block. Still, the girl should know not to be that close to a turkey.
10. Nothing says “Thanksgiving Greetings” than a turkey attacking an ax-wielding Pilgrim child in self defense.
“You gonna’ cut my head off, pluck off my feathers, and stuff me, are you? Not if I can help it, murderers.”
11. On Thanksgiving, a turkey should always be dressed in his best.
Yeah, but dressing in most turkeys’ case usually doesn’t apply to formal attire. Also, why the hell is he wearing pants?
12. May we wish you some Thanksgiving joys.
From Buzzfeed: “Here is a child wielding an impossibly large knife that his parents think is OK for their kid to use.” Now that’s bound to scare any parent or the turkey under him.
13. Abnormally large turkey wishes you a merry Thanksgiving.
Yes, if you saw a turkey as big as you, you’d be scared, too. And you’d be even more freaked out if it’s talking to you.
14. Happy Thanksgiving from the kids who are riding the turkey and waving the American flag.
From Buzzfeed: “Children! No! Clearly, the parents of all the kids in these cards are off drinking mead and playing grown-up leapfrog.”
15. Happy Thanksgiving and by the way, try some corn, Gobblers, and don’t look behind the pumpkin.
Man, that kid with the ax is freaking me out. I’m sure he’s killing the turkey because he’s the only one in his family with the potential of most likely becoming a serial killer.
16. “Oh, yes! I’m starred on the bill all right!”
Must be hard to be a high class city turkey on Thanksgiving. Always have to be reminded on how people spend this day eating your fellow turkey brethren.
17. Nothing makes a turkey pull the wagon better than a large knife and tongs.
It’s supposed to provide motivation for what will happen to the turkey if he doesn’t do its job properly. Still, those large utensils are freaking me out.
18. Nothing says Thanksgiving on a turkey trying to avoid his own mentality by defending his inalienable rights.
From Buzzfeed: “What this turkey is trying to say probably won’t have much effect on the outcome of his future.” Yeah, I’m sure the kid’s going to decapitate you no matter what you say.
19. Happy Thanksgiving from the turkey who’s freaking out a child.
Now I don’t know about you, but I’m more freaked out by the child in this. I mean the kid is just so terrifying for some reason.
20. Happy Thanksgiving from the kid in the turkey costume.
Now I know people might’ve thought it was cute. But to me, it’s terrifying. Quick, can someone give me a picture of Paul Simon from that old Thanksgiving episode of SNL?
21. Happy Thanksgiving from the turkey running from the creepy kid.
Yes, I know this is supposed to look cute. But that little kid is beyond terrifying. Seriously, I want that turkey to run for his life with that thing behind him.
22. For Thanksgiving night, don’t be surprised if the turkey you ate came to your bedside beyond the grave.
Oh, yes, Gobbles would like to wish you a happy Thanksgiving by haunting your dreams. Sleep tight, suckers.
23. Uncle Sam wishes you Happy Thanksgiving greetings.
Because he is eating his Thanksgiving dinner all alone at a restaurant and desperately seeks company. So he’s eating a burnt turkey with a side of cranberries and a bottle of wine to numb his lonely feelings.
24. “May glad Thanksgivings crown your days and years.”
Yeah, nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” than a card with a turkey in a wooden crate about to be slaughtered. Seriously, why?
25. Nothing says Thanksgiving than a kid carrying a turkey dinner on a tray.
Now that might look adorable. However, there’s a very strong chance she’s going to trip if she continues skipping to her destination like that.
26. “Here’s to a rough and ready Thanksgiving!”
Didn’t know they carved turkeys at the kids’ table. Don’t you think that’s a bit of a safety hazard? Seriously, you don’t let kids do that.
27. Thanksgiving greetings to all the turkeys who were smart to remain skinny.
Now come on, a Thanksgiving card with turkeys watching two of their friends get it? Seriously, that’s just fucked up.
28. “Thanks to him who spared my living, For I’m a victim of Thanksgiving.”
Okay, those kids are clearly carrying a dead turkey. Seriously, how do I explain such images to young children?
29. “Smile for the camera, Gibblets.”
Yeah, just one more picture before the turkey gets put on the chopping block for Thanksgiving dinner. Isn’t that nice.
30. Have a glad Thanksgiving courtesy of William Bradford from 1621.
And there’s a Pilgrim shooting a turkey with a blunderbuss. Well, I guess it could be worse. Could be an Indian on that end. Oh, shit.
31. May I wish you sincere Thanksgiving greetings.
Okay, the dead turkey is disturbing enough. Also, that woman doesn’t look like an Indian. She looks more like a white woman in black braids wearing an Indian costume.
32. While turkeys are often killed for Thanksgiving dinner, some go on the warpath.
Kid: “Help! Help! The turkey’s attacking me!”
Turkey: “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”
33. Happy Thanksgiving from one young turkey rider to another.
Now that turkey has to be huge for that kid to ride on it. Of course, I know what he’ll end up when he’s old and gray.
34. “May yours be a Happy Thanksgiving.”
Let’s just say if a dog was hungry, then it made a huge mistake going after a live turkey. Seriously, turkeys aren’t as dumb and docile as they’re depicted.
35. May you have a peaceful Thanksgiving.
Apparently, the turkey didn’t have a peaceful end as far as I can see. And I sure wouldn’t call it peaceful on what’s going to happen to his body next.
36. May you have a festive Thanksgiving this year.
Is it just me or does anyone think the pumpkin pie had too much wine? Also, why is almost everything in this picture have such freaky faces?
37. Happy Thanksgiving from a turkey that’s clearly going to die soon.
Now this is just messed up. Seriously, why stick a knife and pronged fork into a living turkey? That’s just sick.
38. Have a joyful Thanksgiving to you from a scary veggie man.
Now this guy looks like he could scare more crows than a scarecrow. Also, what’s with the turkey feather headdress? Okay, I don’t want to know.
39. “May you catch him in time for dinner.”
I’m sure the turkey is running for his dear life right now. Still, this woman should be happy it’s domestic. But her knife is real scary.
40. “I killed this one all by myself.”
I think I’d rather stay away from this kid. Seems like he’s a future psychokiller in the making. And it’s said they always seem to start with animals.
41. “Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving.”
I don’t know about you. But there’s something really wrong with that girl. She looks like she’s plotting something like killing somebody in their sleep.
42. Thanksgiving greetings from the jerky turkey standing over the kid.
Kid: “Let me go! Let me go!”
Turkey: “Fat chance, boy. Either your dad spares my life or you’re history.”
43. We wish you a hearty Thanksgiving greetings.
Now how that terrifying kid’s looking at that turkey just gives me the creeps. I don’t know but it doesn’t look good.
44. Happy Thanksgiving and may your turkey not go to the dogs.
Seems like this turkey dinner is gone to the dogs. Reminds me of that scene in A Christmas Story. Boy, those kids’ parents are going to be so mad when they see this.
45. Happy Thanksgiving greetings from up above.
“Shit, now they’re doing aerial hunting. Really hate what this world’s coming to.”
46. Looks like Tom Gobblers is going on a vacation this time.
Or may I say, he’s going into hiding until Thanksgiving blows over. Why wait for a pardon? Just get out an dodge.
47. Happy Thanksgiving greetings, now say your prayers, turkey.
Sure the turkey might take down that kid in a heartbeat. But that terrifying nightmare tot has an ax to swing. Yeah, this turkey’s minutes are numbered.
48. Happy Thanksgiving greetings, from all of us at the kids’ table.
Okay, now those soulless kids are certainly to tear that turkey to shreds and bring it a most painful death. Also, is that wine? Don’t think kids should be drinking that.
49. Thanksgiving greetings from all the turkeys in your neck of the woods.
Okay, now this has a turkey pulling a hansom cab, driven by another turkey and transporting another turkey. Does anyone see anything freaky about this?
50. “Good wishes for this Thanksgiving Day.”
I don’t know about you. But I sure as hell wouldn’t trust this little girl with a knife if I were you. Seems like she’s planning to kill somebody with it.
Some of these cards are pretty warped!