A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Mob Song”


Unfortunately, the Baudelaires and Quagmires are being chased by a mob of villagers determined the burn them all at the stake. Wielding torches and pitchforks they chase after the kids from the town proper all the way to the outskirts to find Hector. And yes, Dupin and Luciana are both leading the way. But when they get to his home, he’s and his flying machine are nowhere to be found. However, as the mob closes in, Hector shows up in his self-sustaining hot air mobile home. He throws down the rope ladder as the Baudelaires allow the Quagmires climb in first as well as tell the Council of Elders and the V.F.D. residents where to stick it. Okay, maybe the latter in the figurative sense. Once the Quagmires are in safe and sound in Hector’s flying machine, the Baudelaires follow as the crows are flying to the Nevermore Tree at dusk. But like so many times in the series, when it seems their troubles may be over, there’s always something keeping them down. This time it’s Officer Luciana whipping up her harpoon gun and firing at the hot air mobile home. She eventually severs the rope ladder, causing the Baudelaires to fall to the ground. And there’s no way Hector can go down. So they say goodbye to their friends while the Quagmires throw down their notebooks which Officer Luciana shoots a spear at in plain spite along with a crow (by accident). But the Baudelaires only receive bits of paper they scramble to collect. The book ends with Dupin being exposed as Count Olaf and Officer Luciana as Esme Squalor while fleeing V.F.D. on a motorcycle from a mob by angry villagers.


The song I went with during this thrilling scene is the “Mob Song” from Beauty and the Beast. In the original version, Gaston uses fear tactics a torches and pitchfork mob to storm the castle and kill the Beast because Belle actually likes him. While she had repeatedly rejected Gaston. Meanwhile Belle scrambles to return to the castle to save the Beast’s life. This is a very chilling sequence in the movie. In this version, I have Count Olaf and Esme incite the mob and go after the Baudelaires trying to escape with their friends.


“Mob Song” (ASOUE Version)

Count Olaf: These kids will make off with your children.
Mob: {gasp}
Count Olaf: They’ll come after them in the night.
Hector: No!
Esme: We’re not safe till they’re all burned at the stake!
Say we kill the kids!
Mob: Kill them!

Man I: We’re not safe until they’re dead.
Man II: They’ll come stalking us at night
Woman: Set to sacrifice our children to their monstrous appetites
Man III: They’ll wreak havoc on our village if we let them run off free
Esme: So it’s time to take some action, boys
It’s time to follow me

Through the town
Through the plains
Through the darkness and the shadows
It’s a nightmare but it’s one exciting ride
Say a prayer
Then we’re there
At the outskirts of our village
And there’s somethings truly terrible outside
It’s those kids
They got knives
Razor sharp ones
See them run
With two more as they flee
There they go
See them roam
But we’re not coming home
‘Til they’re dead
Good and dead
Kill the kids!

Hector: No! I won’t let you do this!
Esme: If you’re not with us, you’re against us!
Bring the tall man!
Hector: Get your hands off me!
Esme: We can’t have him running off to warn the orphans.
Hector: Let me out!
Count Olaf: We’ll rid the village of these kids. Who’s with me?
Mob: I am! I am! I am!

Light your torch
Get your forks
Count Olaf: Screw your courage to the sticking place
Mob: We’re counting on Dupin to lead the way
Through the sand
Through the plain
Where within the village outskirts
Something’s lurking that you don’t see ev’ry day
It’s those kids
Running from execution
We won’t rest
‘Til they’re good and deceased
Sally forth
Tally ho
Grab your gun
Grab your bow
Praise the Lord and here we go!

Count Olaf: We’ll lay siege to these children and bring back their heads!
Hector: I have to get the kids! This is all my fault! Oh, Jesus, what am I going to do?
I’ll get in my hot air mobile home.

Mob: We don’t like
What we don’t understand
In fact it scares us
And these children are mysterious at least
Bring your guns
Bring your knives
Save your children and your wives
We’ll save our village and our lives
We’ll kill the kids!

Klaus: I knew it! I knew it was foolish to get our hopes up.
Violet: Maybe it would have been better if we had never come at all.
Could it be?
Klaus: Is it he?
Violet: Oh my God, it’s Hector!
Klaus: In his hot air mobile home!
Hector: And you crow loving shills can suck it!
Get in here, kids! If you want to flee this town,
you better hurry up the ladder! Who’s with me?
Elders: How dare you break all our rules! Get more firewood!
Hector: Up yours! I’m bailing this place and taking the kids with me!
Count Olaf: Take whatever booty you can find. But remember, the kids are mine!

Quagmires and Baudelaires:
Hearts ablaze
Hopes are high
We go climbing up the hot air home
Unafraid although the danger just increased
Mob: Raise the flag
Sing the song
Here we come, we’re fifty strong
And fifty Fowl Devotees can’t be wrong
Let’s kill the kids!

Villager: What’s with the harpoon gun?
Esme: I’m shooting it down!
Villager: But that’s illegal!

Kill the kids!
Kill the kids!

Hector: Oh, that’s okay. You only got to my extra flour and batteries. Also, hit some of my cranberry juice. How about I go higher?
Sunny: No!
Count Olaf: Stop them!
Villagers: He has a motorcycle! Get him!
Elder: He’s not a citizen so he’s fine.

Kill the kids!
Kill the kids!

Violet: Klaus, Sunny, get down! Officer Luciana’s shot the rope ladder. There’s no way we can get up!
Klaus: Okay, Vi. Do what she says, Sunny.
Violet and Klaus: Bye, Hector, Duncan and Isadora.
Duncan and Isadora: Take our notebooks before you go.
Esme: Not so fast, kiddies! Oh, shit!

Kill the chief!
Kill the chief!
Kill the chief!

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