Tag Archives: Humor

The Wonderful World of Amigurumi

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Amigurumi is the Japanese art of knitting and crocheting small stuffed animals and anthropomorphic creatures. In fact, the word amigurumi itself means, “knitted stuffed doll” in Japanese. Traditionally renderings in such a style tend to be animals but can also include artistic renderings or inanimate objects with anthropomorphic features as is typical Japanese culture. And like a lot of things in Japan, a key characteristic to amigrurumi is cuteness in which figures usually have a round head that’s disproportionally larger than their bodies. Since 2003, amigurumi has become popular to the masses outside its native range that such items are now the most popular pieces. Not only that, but amigurumi figures are being made by people outside Japan as well. And it’s easy to see why. In this post, you will see many amigurumi figures of all shapes and sizes whether it be in the traditional cutesy style, renderings of pop culture aspects, or those having a demented spin that wouldn’t appeal to children. Some will be perfectly appropriate as children’s toys while others, not so much. Nevertheless, for your viewing pleasure, I give you a glimpse into the wonderful world of amigurumi.

1. To kick things off, here’s a nice little crocheted Abominable Snowman.

Now while the one on the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special was quite intimidating, this yeti is more like "the Abomibadorable Snowman" to me.

Now while the one on the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special was quite intimidating, this yeti is more like “the Abombinadorable Snowman” to me.

2. For the girl who believes in fairy tales, here’s amigurumi crocheted princess doll.

Sure she may be a lovely princess but she also seems to be from a more ethnically diverse background than most Disney princesses who are usually white. Let's just say Disney has no Asian, Indian (India), Hispanic, or Polynesian princesses whatsoever.

Sure she may be a lovely princess but she also seems to be from a more ethnically diverse background than most Disney princesses who are usually white. Let’s just say Disney has no Asian, Indian (India), Hispanic, or Polynesian princesses whatsoever.

3. For the redhead girl in all of us, meet Emily.

Now she seems the perfect little doll you'd want to give your niece, daughter, or cousin. Still, if Madeline had a granddaughter, she'd look like this.

Now she seems the perfect little doll you’d want to give your niece, daughter, or cousin. Still, if Madeline had a granddaughter, she’d look like this.

4. Grace your Christmas tree with this cute crocheted angel.

I've seen a lot of angel amigurumi on Google Images. Of course, the biggest disadvantage of having them as a tree topper is that they don't light up. Yet, that may be easily remedied.

I’ve seen a lot of angel amigurumi on Google Images. Of course, the biggest disadvantage of having them as a tree topper is that they don’t light up. Yet, that may be easily remedied.

5. Bunny Norman Bates sure loves his mother if you know what I mean.

Of course, only those who've watched Psycho would get this. Still, keep it away from blonde women in showers, especially in hotels that use taxidermy as decor.

Of course, only those who’ve watched Psycho would get this. Still, keep it away from blonde women in showers, especially in seedy desolate motels in the Southwest US that use taxidermy as decor.

6. As with almost every post on crafts, I’d always have to include one featuring Star Wars.

Playset is only available to those who live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Also, the Han Solo one always shoots first for some reason.

Playset is only available to those who live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Also, the Han Solo one always shoots first for some reason.

7. Now here’s a nice little dark hair doll for a young girl.

Now it seems this one is made with realistic looking hair. Yet, she looks kind of awkward that she lacks a nose and mouth. I mean how does she even eat?

Now it seems this one is made with realistic looking hair. Yet, she looks kind of awkward that she lacks a nose and mouth. I mean how does she even eat?

8. Whether it be for little girls or young men, crocheted My Little Pony toys make the perfect gifts.

Let's just hope these My Little Pony toys go to young girls. I mean the very idea of adult men being into My Little Pony is rather disturbing if you ask me. I mean College Humor made quite a few videos mocking it.

Let’s just hope these My Little Pony toys go to young girls. I mean the very idea of adult men being into My Little Pony is rather disturbing if you ask me. I mean College Humor made quite a few videos mocking it.

9. Now these two sure make a cute couple don’t they?

I see a lot of wedding amigurumi figures as well. Still, while cute, I hope the bride and groom would treasure these forever and not let any of their children play with them. You have no idea what kids can do to toys.

I see a lot of wedding amigurumi figures as well. Still, while cute, I hope the bride and groom would treasure these forever and not let any of their children play with them. You have no idea what kids can do to toys.

10. It’s a pug! It’s a bee! It’s Pugbee!

Now I'm sure it's cute but I can't tell whether it's a mutant from some genetic experiment or a dog in a Halloween costume.

Now I’m sure it’s cute but I can’t tell whether it’s a mutant from some genetic experiment or a dog in a Halloween costume.

11. If your kid is scared of shots, why don’t give him or her this adorable little nurse doll?

Now this nurse won't keep you away from germs but I'm sure she'll make everything feel better. Still, we know nurses nowadays don't wear that stereotypical outfit.

Now this nurse won’t keep you away from germs but I’m sure she’ll make everything feel better. Still, we know nurses nowadays don’t wear that stereotypical outfit.

12. Behold, I give you the Bride of Frankenstein.

Hate to say this but in Bride of Frankenstein, I'm not sure she was green but she was certainly not happy getting matched up with Boris Karloff's character. And while Frankenstein let his creator and wife escape, him and his bride both died.

Hate to say this but in Bride of Frankenstein, I’m not sure she was green but she was certainly not happy getting matched up with Boris Karloff’s character. And while Frankenstein let his creator and wife escape, him and his bride both died.

13. Now this little bunny would make a great Easter decoration or gift.

Of course, this little bunny was certainly inspired by Hello! Kitty. Yet, at least this one isn't as creepy as the costumed Easter Bunnies.

Of course, this little bunny was certainly inspired by Hello! Kitty. Yet, at least this one isn’t as creepy as the costumed Easter Bunnies.

14. Now I suppose that this is one of the cutest little peacocks I’ve ever seen.

Even though this little peacock is a little girl's toy, it's very obvious this little crocheted stuffed animal is a boy. Seriously, peacocks don't lay eggs and are built with such a feathered train to attract peahens.

Even though this little peacock is a little girl’s toy, it’s very obvious this little crocheted stuffed animal is a boy. Seriously, peacocks don’t lay eggs and are built with such a feathered train to attract peahens for mates.

15. These crocheted minons almost look like those from Despicable Me.

Of course, minions are a very popular craft subject in a lot of forms. Perhaps it's because they're so cute an very easy to make.

Of course, minions are a very popular craft subject in a lot of forms. Perhaps it’s because they’re so cute an very easy to make.

16. Now this little panda is simply as adorable as the real thing.

Of course, while pandas are considered cute due to their black and white composition and bear like appearance, they nevertheless are endangered in China. And I'm sure the pollution there doesn't help.

Of course, while pandas are considered cute due to their black and white composition and bear like appearance, they nevertheless are endangered in China. And I’m sure the pollution there doesn’t help.

17. Looks like Pooh and Tigger have been crocheted straight out of the Hundred Acre Wood.

I don't know about you but I think these are almost perfect replicas of the real Disney cartoon characters. Of course, the book illustrations not so much.

I don’t know about you but I think these are almost perfect replicas of the real Disney cartoon characters. Of course, the book illustrations not so much.

18. I’m sure the marshmallows aren’t going to like us making smores.

I'm sure the shaded part is already burned and one of the marshmallows is already dead. And I'm sure the others are fearing an upcoming infernal demise.

I’m sure the shaded part is already burned and one of the marshmallows is already dead. And I’m sure the others are fearing an upcoming infernal demise.

19. There’s a happy face in the cheese pizza.

Let's hope the cutter doesn't do anything to this pizza. Still, I think it's very cute if you know what I mean.

Let’s hope the cutter doesn’t do anything to this pizza. Still, I think it’s very cute if you know what I mean. Of course, I’m sure the cheese and tomato sauce bit isn’t made from yarn.

20. Oh, great, it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

Now this chrocheted marshmallow titan is much cuter and happier than the one in Ghostbusters. Yet, his appearance is one of the great highlights in the film.

Now this chrocheted marshmallow titan is much cuter and happier than the one in Ghostbusters. Yet, his appearance is one of the great highlights in the film.

21. Since Frozen is so popular I’m sure any little girl would want a crocheted stuffed Anna and Elsa doll.

I know that Elsa and Anna didn't have button eyes, but they're so cute just the same. Still, we're sure that every little girl wanted to be Elsa for Halloween this year.

I know that Elsa and Anna didn’t have button eyes, but they’re so cute just the same. Still, we’re sure that every little For girl wanted to be Elsa for Halloween this year that there was even a New Yorker cartoon depicting Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon dressed as her.

22. For breakfast, it’s best that you have your bacon and eggs sunny side up.

Luckily, you don't have your bacon and eggs smile at you in the morning. Else, you might be quite disturbed enough to think twice.

Luckily, you don’t have your bacon and eggs smile at you in the morning. Else, you might be quite disturbed enough to think twice.

23. From the Lord of Hell to a cuddly plush toy, Satan has done it all.

I'm sure this Satan goat doll with bare breasts isn't going to make an appropriate children's toy by any stretch of the imagination. Still, demented but cuddly.

I’m sure this Satan goat doll with bare breasts isn’t going to make an appropriate children’s toy by any stretch of the imagination. Still, demented but cuddly.

24. While Bambi’s mom got shot by hunters, he was cut in sections by a meat cleaver.

For kids who haven't seen Bambi: Don't worry, little ones, contrary to this exhibit, Bambi doesn't die in the movie. Yet, this doesn't stop the film from having other scary moments.

For kids who haven’t seen Bambi: Don’t worry, little ones, contrary to this exhibit, Bambi doesn’t die in the movie. Yet, this doesn’t stop the film from having other scary moments.

25. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

As with Star Wars, I'm sure I've put a lot of Beatles craft renditions on my blog. This one is from the Fab Four years such as you'd see from A Hard Day's Night. You can tell which one is which.

As with Star Wars, I’m sure I’ve put a lot of Beatles craft renditions on my blog. This one is from the Fab Four years such as you’d see from A Hard Day’s Night. You can tell which one is which.

26. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, beauty and the beast.

Now these are adorable renditions of Belle and the Beast. Still, Beauty and the Beast was one of my favorite Disney films as a little girl.

Now these are adorable renditions of Belle and the Beast. Still, Beauty and the Beast was one of my favorite Disney films as a little girl.

27. My I introduce to you: Spongebob Squarepants, Suicide Bomber Under the Sea.

Guess kids shouldn't be watching Spongebob Squarepants. He's probably not a great role model committing acts of terror at the expense of his own life. Man, what were they thinking?

Guess kids shouldn’t be watching Spongebob Squarepants. He’s probably not a great role model committing acts of terror at the expense of his own life. Man, what were they thinking?

28. Looks like Bert couldn’t put up with Ernie’s drinking habits anymore.

So yes, alcohol can ruin lives and relationships, even on Sesame Street. Now Ernie is basically a homeless bum forever begging with change with his rubber duckie in one hand and a bottle of booze in another.

So yes, alcohol can ruin lives and relationships, even on Sesame Street. Now Ernie is basically a homeless bum forever begging with change with his rubber duckie in one hand and a bottle of booze in another.

29. I give you Carrie Bear.

While the Care Bears are relatively nice and usually even tempered, Carrie Bear has telekinetic powers and will certainly make your life hell on earth if you make her snap. Let's just say that dumping red paint on her is a very bad idea, indeed.

While the Care Bears are relatively nice and usually even tempered, Carrie Bear has telekinetic powers and will certainly make your life hell on earth if you make her snap. Let’s just say that dumping red paint on her is a very bad idea, indeed.

30. Nothing embodies the holiday spirit at this time of year than the Pumpkin King, Jack Skellington.

Seems that people can't get enough of Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a masterpiece in animation. Still, you can't really hate Jack Skellington for wanting to do Christmas. Even if he does deliver presents of shrunken heads to children.

Seems that people can’t get enough of Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a masterpiece in animation. Still, you can’t really hate Jack Skellington for wanting to do Christmas. Even if he does deliver presents of shrunken heads to children.

31. Let’s just say being a cojoined sister is tough, especially when entering a convent wasn’t your idea.

Then again, even if one of them didn't want to enter the convent, could you imagine what would it be like if one of them got married?

Then again, even if one of them didn’t want to enter the convent, could you imagine what would it be like if one of them got married?

32. Travel to a whole new world with this crocheted Aladdin and Jasmine amigurumi dolls.

Now that's another movie I used to enjoy as a young girl. Of course, while Aladdin had Abu, Genie, and a magic carpet, Jasmine had her pet tiger Rajah and her senile sultan dad. Still, got to love her yarn hair.

Now that’s another movie I used to enjoy as a young girl. Of course, while Aladdin had Abu, Genie, and a magic carpet, Jasmine had her pet tiger Rajah and her senile sultan dad. Still, got to love her yarn hair.

33. Now these two dolls certainly love to shine and look their best.

Of course, while amigurumi figures are mostly knitted and crocheted, sometimes the clothes aren't as in this case. Still, they're both pretty cute and rather dressy.

Of course, while amigurumi figures are mostly knitted and crocheted, sometimes the clothes aren’t as in this case. Still, they’re both pretty cute and rather dressy.

34. How would you like to have a jar of pickles smiling at you every day in a jar?

Just stay in the brine, guys. Of course, one day you'll be taken out of the bridge to be chopped up and put on somebody's burger. So enjoy it while you can.

Just stay in the brine, guys. Of course, one day you’ll be taken out of the bridge to be chopped up and put on somebody’s burger. So enjoy it while you can.

35. Don’t look now but I think Count Dracula has come to suck your blood.

Let's just say while he may be a menacing vampire who can scare the bejesus out of people in the movies, he isn't nearly as much as a amigurumi. Actually, more cute than scary. Yet, still better than Edward Cullen, that's for sure.

Let’s just say while he may be a menacing vampire who can scare the bejesus out of people in the movies, he isn’t nearly as much as a amigurumi. Actually, more cute than scary. Yet, still better than Edward Cullen, that’s for sure.

36. Of course, isn’t this bejeweled girl dazzling?

Sure she may have a crocheted dress on but still, you'd have to admit she's quite cute in that outfit and hat. And she's certainly appropriate to give to a young girl for Christmas.

Sure she may have a crocheted dress on but still, you’d have to admit she’s quite cute in that outfit and hat. And she’s certainly appropriate to give to a young girl for Christmas.

37. Here’s Bob Ross painting his little mountain scene with his happy little trees.

Still, while I know it's Bob Ross, I kind of wish the person making this gave him more of an afro like he had in real life. Still, he did paint those lovely paintings like that on his show.

Still, while I know it’s Bob Ross, I kind of wish the person making this gave him more of an afro like he had in real life. Still, he did paint those lovely paintings like that on his show.

38. Don’t look now kids, but I think that’s the Goblin King with Toby in Labyrinth.

For people like me growing up in the 1990s, Jareth the Goblin King is probably the main reason of what we know David Bowie as. Still, whoever made this got his hair right on.

For people like me growing up in the 1990s, Jareth the Goblin King is probably the main reason of what we know David Bowie as. Still, whoever made this got his hair right on.

39. And now, may I present to you Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Let's just say, Johnny Depp has made a lot of money playing the captain of the Black Pearl. Still, I've seen a lot of crocheted figures of Jack Sparrow when compiling stuff for this post. This is the one I just liked the best.

Let’s just say, Johnny Depp has made a lot of money playing the captain of the Black Pearl. Still, I’ve seen a lot of crocheted figures of Jack Sparrow when compiling stuff for this post. This is the one I just liked the best.

40. For those who remember, this is a crocheted Pee Wee Herman from his Playhouse show.

For those who forget, Pee Wee Herman was this lovable kids show host from the 1980s who had Pee Wee's Playhouse. Sadly, his career faltered when he was caught with his pants down while watching porn in a theater. And I'm not making this up.

For those who forget, Pee Wee Herman was this lovable kids show host from the 1980s who had Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Sadly, his career faltered when he was caught with his pants down while watching porn in a theater. And I’m not making this up.

41. Check out these amigurumi dolls in the traditional Japanese style.

Of course, these are all Japanese women and girls in their little kimonos and all. Yet, by Japanese standards during the Heian period, these ladies are way underdressed.

Of course, these are all Japanese women and girls in their little kimonos and all. Yet, by Japanese standards during the Heian period, these ladies are way underdressed.

42. For those with green thumbs, perhaps you can give them this little garden gnome crocheted toy.

I don't know about you but this is way cuter than any real garden gnome I've ever seen. Looks like Santa Claus in a little smurf outfit.

I don’t know about you but this is way cuter than any real garden gnome I’ve ever seen. Looks like Santa Claus in a little smurf outfit.

43. I give you Gender Bender from Futurama.

Yes, this is Bender from Futurama in drag. And no, I don't think this one is for kids by any means, Still, pretty funny and I'm sure young man would love this.

Yes, this is Bender from Futurama in drag. And no, I don’t think this one is for kids by any means, Still, pretty funny and I’m sure young man would love this.

44. Behold, the Grim Reaper coming to take your soul away.

For an angel of death, I have to admit, he's pretty damn cute. Still, when he's played by Max Von Sydow, he's one hell of a chess player like in The Seventh Seal.

For an angel of death, I have to admit, he’s pretty damn cute. Still, when he’s played by Max Von Sydow, he’s one hell of a chess player like in The Seventh Seal.

45. Bring magic to your life with this little crocheted Harry Potter.

Of course, everyone would prefer that I put up a picture of some amigurumi Snape, Hagrid, or Dumbledore since everyone seems to like them better in addition to Ron and Hermione.

Of course, everyone would prefer that I put up a picture of some amigurumi Snape, Hagrid, or Dumbledore since everyone seems to like them better in addition to Ron and Hermione.

46. This piece is known as, “Horse Shoots Horse.”

Reminds me of something I'd see in that hilariously bad children's book Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs. Yeah, it's the one containing pictures of horses drinking booze and smoking cigarettes. It's basically the Reefer Madness to children's books.

Reminds me of something I’d see in that hilariously bad children’s book Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs. Yeah, it’s the one containing pictures of horses drinking booze and smoking cigarettes. It’s basically the Reefer Madness to children’s books.

47. Rejoice for the Lord Jesus has risen!

Sure I'm a Catholic Christian but I can't pass any stuff pertaining to Jesus for my blog posts. Still, he's very cute as a crocheted finger puppet you wouldn't want to put in a Passion play.

Sure I’m a Catholic Christian but I can’t pass any stuff pertaining to Jesus for my blog posts. Still, he’s very cute as a crocheted finger puppet you wouldn’t want to put in a Passion play.

48. Grace your home for the holidays with this lovely little crocheted nativity scene.

Now this is the perfect nativity scene for those who have small children running around the house. At least you don't have to worry about anything getting broken. Oh, and at least the kids could play with the figures.

Now this is the perfect nativity scene for those who have small children running around the house. At least you don’t have to worry about anything getting broken. Oh, and at least the kids could play with the figures. This one is taken from Matthew’s Gospel by the way.

49. Just a happy little sewing machine.

Of course, this is probably one of the few sewing machines in existence that was almost totally made by hand. Still, it's quite cute if you know what I mean.

Of course, this is probably one of the few sewing machines in existence that was almost totally made by hand. Still, it’s quite cute if you know what I mean.

50. Who knew that fast food could be so happy?

Now this is pretty cute, despite that these foods aren't really good for you in real life. Seriously, eat enough of them and you'll sure die from some cardiovascular disease.

Now this is pretty cute, despite that these foods aren’t really good for you in real life. Seriously, eat enough of them and you’ll sure die from some cardiovascular disease.

51. For a young girl, you might want to give her this crocheted doll of Tatiana from The Princess and the Frog.

Say what you want about Disney but I think The Princess and the Frog is a movie that's way better suited for young girls than the original Grimm story it's based on. At least the movie didn't have a moral that goes, "if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex," which the original story certainly did.

Say what you want about Disney but I think The Princess and the Frog is a movie that’s way better suited for young girls than the original Grimm story it’s based on. At least the movie didn’t have a moral that goes, “if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex,” which the original story certainly did.

52. May I present to you the ever imcomprable Ziggy Stardust.

Hard to believe this is my second David Bowie amigurumi I put on this post already. Yet, I'm sure anyone who's listened to "2001: A Space Oddity" would love it. I mean it's very cute.

Hard to believe this is my second David Bowie amigurumi I put on this post already. Yet, I’m sure anyone who’s listened to “2001: A Space Oddity” would love it. I mean it’s very cute.

53. For those opting for foreign cuisine how about some amigurumi take out?

Of course, whoever made this isn't from China or Japan. I mean they have little crocheted sushi bits with a Chinese take out box or a fortune cookie, which is actually an American invention if you know what I mean.

Of course, whoever made this isn’t from China or Japan. I mean they have little crocheted sushi bits with a Chinese take out box or a fortune cookie, which is actually an American invention if you know what I mean.

54. While good kids get presents from Santa Claus, really bad kids get kidnapped by the Krampus.

Now the Krampus isn't a Christmas tradition we have in the United States. But it is popular in certain areas of Europe. Still, this little girl doesn't seem very happy by any means.

Now the Krampus isn’t a Christmas tradition we have in the United States. But it is popular in certain areas of Europe. Still, this little girl doesn’t seem very happy by any means.

55. Now this group is perhaps among one of the best crocheted teams Marvel has ever assembled.

Hard to believe that the guy who played Thor has recently become the Sexiest Man Alive according to People Magazine. Of course, I'm sure the other guys in the Avengers would disagree about that in years to come.

Hard to believe that the guy who played Thor has recently become the Sexiest Man Alive according to People Magazine. Of course, I’m sure the other guys in the Avengers would disagree about that in years to come.

56. No holiday season would be complete without crocheted figures of Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Now don't these two make an adorable couple? I mean look at their matching outfits for God's sake.

Now don’t these two make an adorable couple? I mean look at their matching outfits for God’s sake. Still, nobody can’t love Santa besides possibly small children.

57. Watch these onigiri do make a snowflake star together.

Now I'm sure that onigiri are Japanese rice bowls combined with seaweed. Might also a be a vegetarian's equivalent to sushi but I'm not so sure about that. Still, you have to admire the cuteness in arrangement.

Now I’m sure that onigiri are Japanese rice bowls combined with seaweed. Might also a be a vegetarian’s equivalent to sushi but I’m not so sure about that. Still, you have to admire the cuteness in arrangement.

58. For you Audrey Hepburn fans, here’s a crocheted figure of her as Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Now though I like Audrey Hepburn, I'm not a fan of Breakfast at Tiffany's. Sure Audrey's pretty and her clothes are nice but it's just that it doesn't have much of a plot and that Mickey Rooney plays a very offensive Japanese stereotype.

Now though I like Audrey Hepburn, I’m not a fan of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Sure Audrey’s pretty and her clothes are nice but it’s just that it doesn’t have much of a plot and that Mickey Rooney plays a very offensive Japanese stereotype.

59. If you’re into Ancient Rome and its Empire, here’s an amigurumi of a Roman centurion.

Now I'm not sure whether I'd want to name him "Bickus Dickus" or "Nautius Maximus." Decisions, decisions.

Now I’m not sure whether I’d want to name him “Bickus Dickus” or “Nautius Maximus.” Decisions, decisions. Still, what have the Romans ever done for us?

60. Now this piece is called, “Santa Clawed” which combines two things I like: Christmas and Alfred Hitchcock.

Man, I'm sure as hell those doves aren't getting anything for Christmas this year. And I'm sure Santa really needs to see the ophthalmologist.

Man, I’m sure as hell those doves aren’t getting anything for Christmas this year. And I’m sure Santa really needs to see the ophthalmologist.

61. Now what little kid wouldn’t go crazy over this cute little penguin?

Yes, this little guy is certainly adorable with its rosy cheeks. I'm sure anyone would think it makes a nice gift for a child. I mean you just want to take this little penguin home, too. I understand.

Yes, this little guy is certainly adorable with its rosy cheeks. I’m sure anyone would think it makes a nice gift for a child. I mean you just want to take this little penguin home, too. I understand.

62. Finally, a puppy that would simply tug at your heartstrings.

Of course, a stuffed puppy is the only kind of dog you should give your kids for Christmas. Live puppies are a horrible idea and most of them get abandoned anyway.

Of course, a stuffed puppy is the only kind of dog you should give your kids for Christmas. Live puppies are a horrible idea and most of holiday pups get abandoned anyway.

63. Have a fiesta with these crocheted Mexican food items.

I love the little Mexican mustache on the taco figure. Oh, and I suppose that's a bottle of tequila behind that and the nachos in guacamole.

I love the little Mexican mustache on the taco figure. Oh, and I suppose that’s a bottle of tequila behind that and the nachos in guacamole.

64. I now give you the happy little guillotine.

This little blade seems quite happy chopping people's heads off with the pull of a string. I'm not sure about the state of mind for the executioner though.

This little blade seems quite happy chopping people’s heads off with the pull of a string. I’m not sure about the state of mind for the executioner though.

65. Seems like that putty tat Sylvester finally caught Tweety if you know what I mean.

Looks like Tweety is going to meet a grisly end by being cooked in a boiling soup pot and served to Sylvester's dinner guests. It's a shame.

Looks like Tweety is going to meet a grisly end by being cooked in a boiling soup pot and served to Sylvester’s dinner guests. It’s a shame.

66. So you see, kids, unicorns do puke rainbows.

On one hand, this is rather disgusting. Yet, on the other hand, it's actually quite pretty. I mean how can we hate rainbows and unicorns? Seriously.

On one hand, this is rather disgusting. Yet, on the other hand, it’s actually quite pretty. I mean how can we hate rainbows and unicorns? Seriously.

67. Now this is how Walter and Jesse cook meth.

Both these guys come with their own removable suit and Walter has his hat. Also, when you take Walter's yellow suit off, he has no pants. Just his tidy whiteys.

Both these guys come with their own removable suit and Walter has his hat. Also, when you take Walter’s yellow suit off, he has no pants. Just his tidy whiteys.

68. Now this girl seems all dressed up and ready to play in the snow.

Since I love purple, I would certainly have wanted a little doll like this when I was a little girl. Still, she's just so cute with her dark yarn hair.

Since I love purple, I would certainly have wanted a little doll like this when I was a little girl. Still, she’s just so cute with her dark yarn hair.

69. Anyone want to build a snowman?

Now that's a cute snowman to put on your mantlepiece. Even better is that it doesn't come with a corn cob pipe.

Now that’s a cute snowman to put on your mantlepiece. Even better is that it doesn’t come with a corn cob pipe.

70. This little crocheted Indiana Jones goes globetrobbing for priceless artifacts.

I suppose that this little guy is also expert with a bull whip, hate snakes, destroys ancient buildings for trinkets, and is a really shitty professor.

I suppose that this little guy is also expert with a bull whip, hate snakes, destroys ancient buildings for trinkets, and is a really shitty professor.

71. Now these owl amigurumi figures are certainly worth hooting for.

Because not only are the incredibly adorable, they also come in a lot of different shapes, sizes, and colors. There's even a purple one.

Because not only are the incredibly adorable, they also come in a lot of different shapes, sizes, and colors. There’s even a purple one.

72. Seems like Raggedy Ann has gone off the deep end.

Either that, or this is the love child between Raggedy Ann and Freddy Kreuger. And I hope it's the latter because I don't want to see Raggedy Ann be someone who appeared to escape Arkham Asylum.

Either that, or this is the love child between Raggedy Ann and Freddy Kreuger. And I hope it’s the latter because I don’t want to see Raggedy Ann be someone who appeared to escape Arkham Asylum.

73. Of course, you can’t have an amigurumi post without including Japanese icon Hello Kitty.

I was going to put up a picture of Hello Kitty committing sepukku on this post. Yet, I decided against it for reasons I can't really disclose on this blog. Still, she's totally a cat but cute though.

I was going to put up a picture of Hello Kitty committing sepukku on this post. Yet, I decided against it for reasons I can’t really disclose on this blog. Still, she’s totally a cat but cute though.

74. Is is just me or is that the evil penguin from Wallace and Gromit?

I'm sorry Feathers McGraw but there's no way in hell that putting a rubber glove on your head could convince me that you're a chicken. I mean, you're not fooling anybody (save perhaps Wallace).

I’m sorry Feathers McGraw but there’s no way in hell that putting a rubber glove on your head could convince me that you’re a chicken. I mean, you’re not fooling anybody (save perhaps Wallace).

75. In Hawaii, you might be delighted to see this little girl in the grass skirt.

Of course, I'm sure this is probably the only thing made of wool a young girl in Hawaii would probably have considering the state's climate and all. Still, she's simply adorable beside the old style bus I believe.

Of course, I’m sure this is probably the only thing made of wool a young girl in Hawaii would probably have considering the state’s climate and all. Still, she’s simply adorable beside the old style bus I believe.

76. Check out this amigurumi of Mulan, from the Disney movie.

This is Mulan at the point of the movie before she started crossdressing and joining the army in her father's place. Still, please don't consider her a princess because she certainly isn't by any means.

This is Mulan at the point of the movie before she started crossdressing and joining the army in her father’s place. Still, please don’t consider her a princess because she certainly isn’t by any means.

77. Man, what ran over this possum really caused it to spew its guts out.

Actually, I've seen a lot of roadkill on my road during my walks. And let me tell you, I've seen a lot worse when it comes to dead possums. Besides, I don't consider possums cute by any means at all.

Actually, I’ve seen a lot of roadkill on my road during my walks. And let me tell you, I’ve seen a lot worse when it comes to dead possums. Besides, I don’t consider possums cute by any means at all.

78. Now I’m sure this little crocheted doll is a perfect prima ballerina.

Still, while I don't really get dancing and ballet at all, I have to admit this doll is so cute. Also, like how she reflects in the mirror. She seems so happy. Wait until she realizes that dancers don't have long careers, unless they perform at some seedy joint like the Filly Corral.

Still, while I don’t really get dancing and ballet at all, I have to admit this doll is so cute. Also, like how she reflects in the mirror. She seems so happy. Wait until she realizes that dancers don’t have long careers, unless they perform at some seedy joint like the Filly Corral.

79. Look at that cute little mermaid lounging on the beach.

Sure she's adorable and makes a great gift for a young girl. But whatever you do, don't put her near water. Seriously, you don't want to do that to stuffed toys.

Sure she’s adorable and makes a great gift for a young girl. But whatever you do, don’t put her near water. Seriously, you don’t want to do that to stuffed toys.

80. Now doesn’t this girl make a pretty little snowflake in her little snowflake dress?

Yes, she's a snowflake girl. And no, she's not Snow Queen's daughter to a Mexican bandito. At least I hope she's not. Still, she's really cute if you know what I mean.

Yes, she’s a snowflake girl. And no, she’s not Snow Queen’s daughter to a Mexican bandito. At least I hope she’s not. Still, she’s really cute if you know what I mean.

The Wonderful World of Bath Soaps

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Bath House Soaps

As we all know, soap is a rather essential product in our every day living. After all, we use soap to clean ourselves with whenever we take a bath or shower. We also use it for dishes, our clothes, and our spaces. It also comes in forms like bars, salts, liquids. and powder detergent. Still, while most people view soap as a cleaning agent to wash things and people with, this doesn’t stop people from using it for creative artistic expression. Mostly they’d make their own soap designs as gifts, but sometimes you’d wonder. Still, what I’m about to show you are the many designs which people and companies have made and manufacture. So without further adieu, here are some uniquely designed soaps for your viewing pleasure. Of course, we’ll be seeing designs from bath soap, naturally.

1. Heard of soap on a rope? Well, here’s soap on a roll.

Actually, using your toilet roll as a soap dispenser might come in handy. Except I would need the roll for toilet paper.

Actually, using your toilet roll as a soap dispenser might come in handy. Except I would need the roll for toilet paper.

2. A little butter on your toast, perhaps?

Okay, it's soap so I'm probably not going to eat that. Still, I can't tell whether the yellow stuff is butter or melted cheese. Seems more like melted cheese to me.

Okay, it’s soap so I’m probably not going to eat that. Still, I can’t tell whether the yellow stuff is butter or melted cheese. Seems more like melted cheese to me.

3. You’ve heard about growing a mustache. How about washing with one?

Available in brown and pink, apparently. And no, you can't eat them though they do resemble chocolates if you know what I mean.

Available in brown and pink, apparently. And no, you can’t eat them though they do resemble chocolates if you know what I mean.

4. Man, can’t believe you can have money in your soap.

It's going to take me a hell of a long time to get my $10 back. And even then, I'm not sure if I can use it to buy anything.

It’s going to take me a hell of a long time to get my $10 back. And even then, I’m not sure if I can use it to buy anything.

5. Smell like a tropical paradise with some coconut soap.

I don't know about you, but that resembles more of a ball of cream filled chocolate than a coconut to me. And it seems delicious.

I don’t know about you, but that resembles more of a ball of cream filled chocolate than a coconut to me. And it seems delicious unlike real coconut.

6. For a great gift for your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, how about a nice chocolate heart soap?

Of course, your girlfriend will get mad at you when she realizes that it's soap and not chocolate. This is especially true if that girlfriend is me.

Of course, your girlfriend will get mad at you when she realizes that it’s soap and not chocolate. This is especially true if that girlfriend is me.

7. Hey, would you want some fries with your Burger King order?

Still, eating these fries might cause you to cough out soap bubbles when you try to wash them down. Also, won't taste in any way like French fries.

Still, eating these fries might cause you to cough out soap bubbles when you try to wash them down. Also, won’t taste in any way like French fries.

8. And now, scrub yourself clean with soap kebabs.

Now while this is pretty creative, I'm sure it's now for kids. I mean the skewers can be quite sharp and poke somebody's eye out.

Now while this is pretty creative, I’m sure it’s now for kids. I mean the skewers can be quite sharp and poke somebody’s eye out.

9. How about some popcorn for the movie?

Then again, this popcorn soap may be better suited to wash yourself after you come back from the movies smelling of real popcorn and who knows what else.

Then again, this popcorn soap may be better suited to wash yourself after you come back from the movies smelling of real popcorn and who knows what else.

10. Jesus Christ came to this world to cleanse the world from sin as well as died on the cross for it. Now you can have Jesus on a rope cleanse your body, face, and naughty bits.

Now this is just priceless. Still, knowing it's Jesus on a rope, I can't just pass this one up. Let's just say, I can have a lot of fun with this one but I also don't want to say anything inappropriate either.

Now this is just priceless. Still, knowing it’s Jesus on a rope, I can’t just pass this one up. Let’s just say, I can have a lot of fun with this one but I also don’t want to say anything inappropriate either.

11. As 96.1 KISS FM always said, “It’s peanut butter jelly time.”

Compared to real sandwiches, these PB&J soaps seem to be much neater than the real thing. Of course, you wouldn't want to eat this one since it may kill you.

Compared to real sandwiches, these PB&J soaps seem to be much neater than the real thing. Of course, you wouldn’t want to eat this one since it may kill you.

12. Nothing cleans better than a bunch of disembodied baby hands.

Now this is creepy. Seriously, baby hands? Who the hell thought this would be a great soap idea? There's no way I'd want to clean my armpits with the hand of a 9 month old!

Now this is creepy. Seriously, baby hands? Who the hell thought this would be a great soap idea? There’s no way I’d want to clean my armpits with the hand of a 9 month old!

13. Love may stink but the soap shall set you clean.

Of course, you don't want to give this soap to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day would you? Might send the wrong message.

Of course, you don’t want to give this soap to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day would you? Might send the wrong message.

14. Sometimes the path to good hygiene is just a click away.

Still, I'm sure that these mice may not be great for your computer, but they will sure do you wonders in the shower. Also, a great way to tell your local IT guy that he freaking stinks.

Still, I’m sure that these mice may not be great for your computer, but they will sure do you wonders in the shower. Also, a great way to tell your local IT guy that he freaking stinks.

15. Of course, you can’t leave without grabbing a drumstick of soap, that is.

Nevertheless, hope rubbing yourself with this soap in the shower doesn't make you smell like garlic or seasoning. The marinade may smell great on a real chicken, but not so much on you.

Nevertheless, hope rubbing yourself with this soap in the shower doesn’t make you smell like garlic or seasoning. The marinade may smell great on a real chicken, but not so much on you, except to a cannibal.

16. For the Jew in your life, may I suggest to you a matzo ball soap as a gift for Chanukah?

I don't think matzo balls are that big. Still, it's interesting it comes with its own box with a stereotypically Jewish guy on it and Hebrew lettering.

I don’t think matzo balls are that big. Still, it’s interesting it comes with its own box with a stereotypically Jewish guy on it and Hebrew lettering.

17. Now having a Tyrannosaurus Rex soap will make you cleaner than you’ve ever been since 65 million years ago.

Still, this would make a great gift for a young boy since boys tend to go crazy over dinosaurs. Well, unless that special little boy in your life tends to be the kid from Jurassic Park.

Still, this would make a great gift for a young boy since boys tend to go crazy over dinosaurs. Well, unless that special little boy in your life tends to be the kid from Jurassic Park.

18. Summer is the time of frozen treats on a popsicle stick whether they have ice cream or not.

Of course, these are soaps. Yet, this hasn't stopped one person from biting into the ice cream sandwich one.

Of course, these are soaps. Yet, this hasn’t stopped one person from biting into the ice cream sandwich one.

19. Looks like Fido needs a treat.

Then again, this might be better used to clean Fido than to feed him. In fact, feeding him this bone soap may poison him.

Then again, this might be better used to clean Fido than to feed him. In fact, feeding him this bone soap may poison him. And now you know.

20. Of course, since everyone loves bacon, we just have to have bacon soap.

Of course, sometimes it's better to eat bacon than to smell like it. I mean no one wants to smell like bacon grease since it may attract the neighborhood dogs.

Of course, sometimes it’s better to eat bacon than to smell like it. I mean no one wants to smell like bacon grease since it may attract the neighborhood dogs.

21. Now here’s a soap of a Japanese sumo wrestler.

Please tell me he's wearing a loin cloth under there. I know it's really hard to tell due to the that he's so morbidly obese.

Please tell me he’s wearing a loin cloth under there. I know it’s really hard to tell due to the that he’s so morbidly obese like most sumo wrestlers.

22. For Valentine’s Day, try out these cute little candy soap hearts.

Of course, the real Valentine's Day heart candies are very much inedible anyway as well as made by Necco, a company known for its bad candies. Still, this might be a better gift than real candy hearts.

Of course, the real Valentine’s Day heart candies are very much inedible anyway as well as made by Necco, a company known for its bad candies. Still, this might be a better gift than real candy hearts.

23. Be up to your Easter Sunday best with these colored egg soaps.

It's clever that these come in a little egg carton. However, I wish they had one of them in purple. Still, at least they won't become egg salad once the Easter season is gone.

It’s clever that these come in a little egg carton. However, I wish they had one of them in purple. Still, at least they won’t become egg salad once the Easter season is gone.

24. My mama always said life is like a box of chocolate soaps because you never know what you’re going to get.

Couldn't resist the Forrest Gump reference. Still, unlike real assorted chocolates, at least you don't have to worry what you're going to get with using these soaps. I mean they all have the same contents.

Couldn’t resist the Forrest Gump reference. Still, unlike real assorted chocolates, at least you don’t have to worry what you’re going to get with using these soaps. I mean they all have the same contents.

25. Now there’s nothing better to scrub your hands than some hand soap on a rope.

Then again, when I mentioned "hand soap on a rope" this isn't really the kind I had in mind. Still, looks like something you'd see in the Addams family bathroom or something.

Then again, when I mentioned “hand soap on a rope” this isn’t really the kind I had in mind. Still, looks like something you’d see in the Addams family bathroom or something.

26. Now here’s some soaps of hot spicy peppers you’d put in Mexican food.

I'm sure while most people love Mexican food to some extent, I'm sure that no one wants to smell like it. And I'm certainly sure no one wants to smell like chili or jalapeno peppers either.

I’m sure while most people love Mexican food to some extent, I’m sure that no one wants to smell like it. And I’m certainly sure no one wants to smell like chili or jalapeno peppers either.

27. Now here’s the soap of a true wiener.

Hey, at least this soap resembles a wiener dog or dachshund. Still, anyone who assumed differently ought to get their minds out of the gutter.

Hey, at least this soap resembles a wiener dog or dachshund. Still, anyone who assumed differently ought to get their minds out of the gutter.

28. Now these pig soaps may come straight out of Old McDonald’s farm.

However, despite how nice these pig soaps may smell, they won't be able to make you smell better if you work on a pig farm. Believe me, I watched Waking Ned Devine on that one.

However, despite how nice these pig soaps may smell, they won’t be able to make you smell better if you work on a pig farm. Believe me, I watched Waking Ned Devine on that one.

29. If you or your kids love Legos, they’d love these soaps of Legos blocks.

Unlike real Legos, it won't hurt you when you step on them. Well, eventually. But stepping on one of these in the shower will make you slip and perhaps fall.

Unlike real Legos, it won’t hurt you when you step on them. Well, eventually. But stepping on one of these in the shower will make you slip and perhaps fall.

30. Now here’s some great soaps of water lilies.

Now I don't know about you but these soap waterlilies are simply stunningly amazing. In fact, they almost seem to resemble the real thing so closely.

Now I don’t know about you but these soap waterlilies are simply stunningly amazing. In fact, they almost seem to resemble the real thing so closely.

31. These skull and cross bones soaps would be a great gift for a pirate.

Still, if you read about my movie history post on the Golden Age of Piracy, you may get the impression that many 17th-early 18th century pirates had so atrocious hygiene habits that your average pirate ship would make the 1969 Woodstock concert seem like Mr. Monk's apartment.

Still, if you read about my movie history post on the Golden Age of Piracy, you may get the impression that many 17th-early 18th century pirates had so atrocious hygiene habits that your average pirate ship would make the 1969 Woodstock concert seem like Mr. Monk’s apartment.

32. For those who work at a nuclear facility, I’m sure this radioactive soap and sponge kit would make a great gift.

Now luckily, using this kit to clean yourself won't lead you to radiation exposure. Of course, I can't say the same about venturing near Chernobyl, Fukishima, or the Waltz Mill Westinghouse building near the Ruffsdale KOA.

Now luckily, using this kit to clean yourself won’t lead you to radiation exposure. Of course, I can’t say the same about venturing near Chernobyl, Fukishima, or the Waltz Mill Westinghouse building near the Madison KOA. Yes, I know there was a nuclear meltdown at Waltz Mill in the 1970s.

33. May shower time never be the same with these rainbow heart soaps.

Now I don't know about you but I can't see why anybody shouldn't love rainbows, especially on hearts. Still, these are so pretty and cute. Hope they smell good, too.

Now I don’t know about you but I can’t see why anybody shouldn’t love rainbows, especially on hearts. Still, these are so pretty and cute. Hope they smell good, too.

34. Now I’m sure these cupcake soaps are a real treat.

However, I must warn you don't ever use these cupcake soaps as real treats if you know what I mean. Still, they're still pretty cute.

However, I must warn you don’t ever use these cupcake soaps as real treats if you know what I mean. Still, they’re still pretty cute. Especially so with flowers, sprinkles, and cherries on top.

35. All right, leggo my soapy eggo if you dare.

Yes, this is waffle soap. And no, I'm not sure if it tastes like maple syrup. That, or whether the maple syrup on that is actually solid soap.

Yes, this is waffle soap. And no, I’m not sure if it tastes like maple syrup. That, or whether the maple syrup on that is actually solid soap either.

36. For Ocktoberfest, clean yourself with these soaps of beer and pretzels.

Every German bar should have these in their bathrooms during the Ocktoberfest. Still, I'm sure that the beer is soap though I don't know what to make of the pretzels. I mean they seem kind of real to me.

Every German bar should have these in their bathrooms during the Ocktoberfest. Still, I’m sure that the beer is soap though I don’t know what to make of the pretzels. I mean they seem kind of real to me.

37. Treat yourself to these sticky bun cinnamon roll soaps.

Okay, now just looking at these sticky bun soaps is now making me hungry. And I know these are soaps too. They look so real yet like the real thing, not very good for you.

Okay, now just looking at these sticky bun soaps is now making me hungry. And I know these are soaps too. They look so real yet like the real thing, not very good for you.

38. Finally, chocolate cookie soaps.

Then again, I'd rather have the real chocolate chip cookies than soaps of them. I mean I really love chocolate chip cookies, especially when they're fresh out of the oven.

Then again, I’d rather have the real chocolate chip cookies than soaps of them. I mean I really love chocolate chip cookies, especially when they’re fresh out of the oven.

39. And now, the new Apple iPhone.

Whoever thought this was a real iPhone is bound to be disappointed when they realize that none of the buttons don't work. Also, when it gathers suds in the shower.

Whoever thought this was a real iPhone is bound to be disappointed when they realize that none of the buttons don’t work. Also, when it gathers suds in the shower.

40. Bath time will never be the same again with this Nintendo Wii soap.

Of course, while great for bath time and possibly smelling nice, it's probably not as fun as having a real Wii. Still, at least it won't electrocute you in the tub.

Of course, while great for bath time and possibly smelling nice, it’s probably not as fun as having a real Wii. Still, at least it won’t electrocute you in the tub.

41. I give you Oreo cookie soaps.

Let me make this perfectly clear. Don't use these Oreos to dunk in milk or eat them. Believe me, you don't want anyone to call the poison hotline on you.

Let me make this perfectly clear. Don’t use these Oreos to dunk in milk or eat them. Believe me, you don’t want anyone to call the poison hotline on you.

42. Here are some doughnut soaps with different colors of icing.

These would be great soaps for bathrooms at doughnut joints and police stations. Then again, perhaps police tend to have healthier eating habits than we think.

These would be great soaps for bathrooms at doughnut joints and police stations. Then again, perhaps police tend to have healthier eating habits than we think.

43. Scrub your way into the shower with an old time Nintendo game controller.

Of course, this might be better for scrubbing your arm pits than beating your friend at Super Mario Bros.

Of course, this might be better for scrubbing your arm pits than beating your friend at Super Mario Bros.

44. Of course, we always need to scrub our fingers.

Yet, I don't know if I'd be comfortable with cleaning myself with finger soaps. Seriously, this seems to be rather disturbing.

Yet, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with cleaning myself with finger soaps. Seriously, this seems to be rather disturbing.

45. Well, let’s settle into some delicious pepperoni pizza.

Oh, wait. This is soap. Better put in the bathroom before I forget it's not edible. I might need my stomach pumped if I take a bite out of this.

Oh, wait. This is soap. Better put in the bathroom before I forget it’s not edible. I might need my stomach pumped if I take a bite out of this.

46. For your Halloween Party, I’m sure stocking your bathroom with eyeball soaps may do.

Then again, I'm sure you might not want to get the eyeball soaps out when the kids are awake. Still, pretty disgusting and creepy.

Then again, I’m sure you might not want to get the eyeball soaps out when the kids are awake. Still, pretty disgusting and creepy.

47. Of course, I’m sure the NRA has their bathrooms stocked with these pistol soaps.

Still, I'm sure using this gun soap to fake a suicide attempt is a common occurrence. Yet, I hope people don't mistake the real gun for this, especially in the shower. It wouldn't be pretty.

Still, I’m sure using this gun soap to fake a suicide attempt is a common occurrence. Yet, I hope people don’t mistake the real gun for this, especially in the shower. It wouldn’t be pretty.

48. If you need to defend yourself, here’s a soap of brass knuckles.

Then again, I don't think soap knuckles would stand a chance against any kind of metal knuckle imaginable. Yet, a rather good imitation of brass knuckles if you know what I mean. Not to mention, perfectly safe for kids.

Then again, I don’t think soap knuckles would stand a chance against any kind of metal knuckle imaginable. Yet, a rather good imitation of brass knuckles if you know what I mean. Not to mention, perfectly safe for kids.

49. Look, it’s cheese soap. And man, there are a lot of different types.

I'm sure any of these soap cheeses would make a great addition for any bathroom in Wallace and Gromit's house. This is especially so with the Wensleydale soap.

I’m sure any of these soap cheeses would make a great addition for any bathroom in Wallace and Gromit’s house. This is especially so with the Wensleydale soap.

50. Have a steady supply of soap with this lovely sushi soap set.

This way you wouldn't just know how to keep clean, but you'd learn how to use chopsticks as well. This would especially come in handy the next time you visit a Japanese restaurant.

This way you wouldn’t just know how to keep clean, but you’d learn how to use chopsticks as well. This would especially come in handy the next time you visit a Japanese restaurant.

51. Add a little color to your bathroom with these crayon soaps.

Now if only they came in more colors than these. Because I'd really like a purple one. Still, great for kids

Now if only they came in more colors than these. Because I’d really like a purple one. Still, great for kids.

52. Now the first rule of Fight Club is that nobody talks about Fight Club.

If you've seen the movie, you'd know what this soap references. Still, let's just say I don't want to see that movie again.

If you’ve seen the movie, you’d know what this soap references. Still, let’s just say I don’t want to see that movie again.

53. Well, that looks like a tasty croissant roll.

Oh, wait, that's soap. Still, do they have these in bathrooms at French restaurants. I mean they really should.

Oh, wait, that’s soap. Still, do they have these in bathrooms at French restaurants. I mean they really should.

54. Rubber duckie, you’re the one. You make bath time so much fun. Rubber duckie, I’m totally fond of you.

Of course, thank God that Rubber Duckie isn't a soap. Else, he'd be gone before Ernie would realize it.

Of course, thank God that Rubber Duckie isn’t a soap. Else, he’d be gone before Ernie would realize it. Still, the tub thing is pretty cute.

55. Ain’t no soap bar like a gay bar.

Note to self: If I have to buy something for a gay person this Christmas, don't buy this soap.

Note to self: If I have to buy something for a gay person this Christmas, don’t buy this soap. Seriously, it might offend the LGBT community.

56. Now how about having to clean yourself with a piece of shit?

Yes, I know that this soap is supposed to look like a steaming pile of shit. Yet, unlike real shit, it will get you clean.

Yes, I know that this soap is supposed to look like a steaming pile of shit. Yet, unlike real shit, it will get you clean.

57. Rub your hands clean with this magic lantern soap.

Unlike the one in Aladdin, rubbing your hands with this magic lantern won't cause a genie pop out that will grant you three wishes.

Unlike the one in Aladdin, rubbing your hands with this magic lantern won’t cause a genie pop out that will grant you three wishes.

58. Have a lovely piece of artwork in your bathroom such as a soap of the Venus de Milo.

Of course, if you actually use this soap to clean yourself with, remember that it won't be as pretty as this by the time you're done with it.

Of course, if you actually use this soap to clean yourself with, remember that it won’t be as pretty as this by the time you’re done with it. However we never knew where her arms went or what they looked like.

59. Scrub yourself clean with Michelangelo’s David.

Now while Charleton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it's almost as true to the real thing upon green.

Now while Charlton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it’s almost as true to the real thing upon green. Nevertheless, would make a great gift for Sister Wendy Becket, who has a thing for male nudes.

60. Make your bath time a masterpiece with Sandro Boticelli’s The Birth of Venus.

As far as Renaissance art pieces go, this is a very appropriate piece you can put on a soap. After all, it has Aphrodite rising from the sea through a large shell.

As far as Renaissance art pieces go, this is a very appropriate piece you can put on a soap. After all, it has Aphrodite rising from the sea through a large shell.

61. If your girlfriend’s a fan of the 1997 James Cameron film, she’d love this soap rendition.

On second thought, you might want to reconsider. I mean we all know that the ship sinks and that Jack dies after he and Rose consummate their relationship in the back of a Model T.

On second thought, you might want to reconsider. I mean we all know that the ship sinks and that Jack dies after he and Rose consummate their relationship in the back of a Model T.

62. As we have these candy mints after dinner, you might want to use these candy mints soaps before.

Now I'm sure when some one gives you a breath mint, it means you have halitosis. When someone gives you breath mint soap, it means that either you stink or you're dirty.

Now I’m sure when some one gives you a breath mint, it means you have halitosis. When someone gives you breath mint soap, it means that either you stink or you’re dirty.

63. Of course, this laptop soap would go great for any Silicon Valley bathroom.

Now I'm sure this soap computer won't work like a real one. Yet, it certainly will get you clean. Also may be available in many different colors.

Now I’m sure this soap computer won’t work like a real one. Yet, it certainly will get you clean. Also may be available in many different colors.

64. Now here’s a soap of a potato to grace your bathroom. Looks almost like the real thing doesn’t it?

Yes, this is a potato soap. And no, you can't bake it, mash it, or cut it up. Yet, it will get you clean in the shower even though it might make others scratch their heads in confusion.

Yes, this is a potato soap. And no, you can’t bake it, mash it, or cut it up. Yet, it will get you clean in the shower even though it might make others scratch their heads in confusion.

65. While we have Lego soaps, we also have Lego people soaps, too. And in many different colors.

Call this one a Lego people Rainbow Coalition if you will. However, I'm sure that real Lego people didn't come in all these lovely different colors other than yellow.

Call this one a Lego people Rainbow Coalition if you will. However, I’m sure that real Lego people didn’t come in all these lovely different colors other than yellow.

66. For the holiday season, I’m sure Christmas light soaps would make your bathroom seem festive.

They may not light up, but at least you don't have to decorate the outside of your house with them. Of course, they're just bulbs if you know what I mean.

They may not light up, but at least you don’t have to decorate the outside of your house with them. Of course, they’re just bulbs if you know what I mean.

67. Smell fresh as a daisy by rubbing your body with these perfume bottle soaps.

Of course, these soaps won't just get you clean but will also make you smell as nice as normal perfume would. If not, then better.

Of course, these soaps won’t just get you clean but will also make you smell as nice as normal perfume would. If not, then better.

68. What better way to get yourself clean than with a soap resembling microbes on a petri dish.

This one is a soap of salmonella, you know the food disease you get from eating uncooked eggs. Yeah, that's the one all right.

This one is a soap of salmonella, you know the food disease you get from eating uncooked eggs. Yeah, that’s the one all right.

69. Perhaps you can smell like flowers with this lovely floral soap.

Then again, perhaps this soap should just be for display only. I mean these flowers are so beautiful if you know what I mean. Still, how in the hell do they make stuff like this?

Then again, perhaps this soap should just be for display only. I mean these flowers are so beautiful if you know what I mean. Still, how in the hell do they make stuff like this?

70. Well, there’s nothing like a cup of coffee in the morning.

And there's nothing like it in the morning than washing your face with soaps resembling coffee beans either.

And there’s nothing like it in the morning than washing your face with soaps resembling coffee beans either.

71. Perhaps we can have some soap eggs to go with that soap bacon.

Of course, you wouldn't want these eggs for breakfast. Yet, they're on the skillet anyway for display purposes.

Of course, you wouldn’t want these eggs for breakfast. Yet, they’re on the skillet anyway for display purposes.

72. I’m sure they won’t see it coming with this soap grenade.

At least unlike a real grenade, this soap one won't make your house explode or kill you if you pull the pin.

At least unlike a real grenade, this soap one won’t make your house explode or kill you if you pull the pin.

73. Now check out this soap handgun in the bathroom.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Even more scary is that this one comes with its very own bullet. Please, don't ask me to wash with this in the shower.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Please, don’t ask me to wash with this in the shower. Still, there’s nothing cool about it.

74. Soapy, soapy, night. Paint your pallet blue and bright.

How many times has Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night been immortalized? Still, I wouldn't wash with this soap since it's so pretty.

How many times has Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night been immortalized? Still, I wouldn’t wash with this soap since it’s so pretty.

75. Of course, what Star Wars fan wouldn’t want a soap of Han Solo frozen in carbonite in their bathroom?

Of course, I've seen Han Solo carbonite stuff in a lot of things like soaps, chocolates, coffee tables, and more. I wonder if Harrison Ford has one of these.

Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo carbonite stuff in a lot of things like soaps, chocolates, coffee tables, and more. I wonder if Harrison Ford has one of these.

76. How about a bacon cheeseburger with some pickles and fries?

Of course, if this was real food, it wouldn't be good for you. Yet, I'm sure the bacon is much too big for the rest of the burger.

Of course, if this was real food, it wouldn’t be good for you. Yet, I’m sure the bacon is much too big for the rest of the burger.

77. Look good with these tubes of lipstick soap.

Sure these tubes may not smear your face or leave splotches on kisses, but they will get you clean.

Sure these tubes may not smear your face or leave splotches on kisses, but they will get you clean. And no, they don’t seem to come in many different colors.

78.These jigsaw puzzle piece soaps sure do go together.

Of course, there's a chance that all these pieces won't be used up at the same time, if at all. Still, why don't they have purple?

Of course, there’s a chance that all these pieces won’t be used up at the same time, if at all. Still, why don’t they have purple?

79. Wash your body with these beautiful soap bottles.

Now these bottles seem so pretty that it almost makes me reluctant to use them. Then again, they probably were only made for display.

Now these bottles seem so pretty that it almost makes me reluctant to use them. Then again, they probably were only made for display.

80. Of course, these precious gemstone soaps sure do give off light like real ones.

Yes, but I have a feeling that these were way easier to make than the other ones. Also, I'm sure that it's very obvious they're not gemstones.

Yes, but I have a feeling that these were way easier to make than the other ones. Also, I’m sure that it’s very obvious they’re not gemstones.

Don’t Try This at Home Craft Projects

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Crafts

Crafts have always been with us and will probably go on forever. Whether it’s from the kid made to do some project in art class or the adult with repressed creative impulses who wants to make money from Etsy, we’ve seen them all. Such arts could range from the DIY to sewing and knitting, upholstery, taxidermy, beading, jewelry making, or what not. After all, some people create stuff to use as gifts for others. Yet, while some craft projects might inspire love and adoration, others not so much. Still, while I could go on and on about the nice little craft ideas and such, you would find that boring. Instead, I’ll feature pictures of DIY craft projects that are so crazy and terrible that you’d wonder why anyone would buy them off Etsy. If not, then perhaps make you scratch your head as to why anyone would create such a craftastrophe in the first place. So without further adieu, here are some craft projects you might not want kids doing art class. By the way, this post may not be safe for work.

1. If you want to make baby’s first Thanksgiving memorable, perhaps you can put them in this cute little turkey costume.

Let's just say, when this baby grows up, he's going to look at his old baby pictures and wonder what the hell were his parents thinking. Seriously, this is pretty disturbing.

Let’s just say, when this baby grows up, he’s going to look at his old baby pictures and wonder what the hell were his parents thinking. Seriously, this is pretty disturbing.

2. Brave the elements with this knitted poncho headdress.

Now while I'm sure this poncho can keep you warm, I'm not sure if it can keep you immune from embarrassment. Still, seems more of a cross between knitted table cloth and something you'd see in a fashion show in Saudi Arabia.

Now while I’m sure this poncho can keep you warm, I’m not sure if it can keep you immune from embarrassment. Still, seems more of a cross between knitted table cloth and something you’d see at a fashion show in Saudi Arabia.

3. Behold, a style of sunglasses inspired by the flamboyant fashion sense of Lady Gaga and the 1340s Bubonic Plague doctor.

Yeah, I'm sure this sunglasses style plays less what you'd see in a Lady Gaga music video and more of a cross between Lady Gaga meets Big Bird's evil twin.

Yeah, I’m sure this sunglasses style plays less what you’d see in a Lady Gaga music video and more of a cross between Lady Gaga meets Big Bird’s evil twin.

4. Bundle up with this state of the art boob scarf.

Now I don't know this item's effectiveness against winter weather. However, I'm sure that wearing it will give you a lot of unwanted attention, especially if you're a guy.

Now I don’t know this item’s effectiveness against winter weather. However, I’m sure that wearing it will give you a lot of unwanted attention, especially if you’re a guy.

5. Ladies, walk on the street in style with these fancy slug brooches.

Seriously, what kind of girl would want to be seen wearing these things? I mean they may seem rather nice but the concept of slug brooches is kind of disgusting.

Seriously, what kind of girl would want to be seen wearing these things? I mean they may seem rather nice but the concept of slug brooches is kind of disgusting. More like collectibles for young boys.

6. Scrub yourself off after the big game with some Buffalo Wings and celery soap.

I'm sure no little kid is going to see these and mistake this soap set for the real thing. Yeah right. Still, why make soap that resembles food?

I’m sure no little kid is going to see these and mistake this soap set for the real thing. Yeah right. Still, why make soap that resembles food?

7. Give your sweetheart a reminder to practice safe sex with this lovely condom flower bouquet.

I'm sure every girl out there wants their boyfriend to send them a dozen condom flowers for Valentine's Day. For God's sake this bouquet is in such poor taste as well as the fact you'd be embarrassed to have such a display in your home. This is especially true if you or your guests have kids. Perhaps these would look better in a love nest or sex dungeon.

I’m sure every girl out there wants their boyfriend to send them a dozen condom flowers for Valentine’s Day. For God’s sake this bouquet is in such poor taste as well as the fact you’d be embarrassed to have such a display in your home. This is especially true if you or your guests have kids. Perhaps these would look better in a love nest or sex dungeon.

8. Now grace your house with this knitted pig being cut open on a platter.

I wonder if Jewish or Muslim parents would buy such an item for their kids so they could make them too traumatized to eat pork, ham, sausage, or bacon. Yeah, this is very disturbing.

I wonder if Jewish or Muslim parents would buy such an item for their kids so they could make them too traumatized to eat pork, ham, sausage, or bacon. Yeah, this is very disturbing.

9. Scrub yourself squeakly clean with these soap dentures.

Let's hope that these never show up in any home for the elderly shall we? After all, some may mistake this for their own set of dentures if you know what I mean.

Let’s hope that these never show up in any home for the elderly shall we? After all, some may mistake this for their own set of dentures if you know what I mean.

10. Add a little character to you lawn with this Duck Lady statue.

Now having a statue of a naked woman is one thing, but with her sporting a duck's head. Well, that's just an all too tacky lawn ornament to ignore. Seriously, this is just a terrible statue.

Now having a statue of a naked woman is one thing, but with her sporting a duck’s head. Well, that’s just an all too tacky lawn ornament to ignore. Seriously, this is just a terrible statue.

11. Protect yourself with this tampon gun and bullets.

I always thought tampons were just feminine hygiene products meant to protect women from dirtying their clothes during their time of the month. I guess they're also great for home security as well.

I always thought tampons were just feminine hygiene products meant to protect women from dirtying their clothes during their time of the month. I guess they’re also great for home security as well.

12. Now these soaps with razor blades make great gifts for the whole family.

I'm sure everyone in your family would love to have soaps like these. Well, anyone in your family serving time in the state penitentiary that is. However, I'm sure these would get confiscated by the guards upon entry regardless.

I’m sure everyone in your family would love to have soaps like these. Well, anyone in your family serving time in the state penitentiary that is. However, I’m sure these would get confiscated by the guards upon entry regardless.

13. Give your child a unicorn bike they will certainly treasure.

I'm sure this boy is very happy with his new bike as the boy in the background is looking at him with some confused disdain. Still, it's all fun and games until he gets beat up in school for it.

I’m sure this boy is very happy with his new bike as the boy in the background is looking at him with some confused disdain. Still, it’s all fun and games until he gets beat up in school for it.

14. For the upcoming movie 50 Shades of Grey, here’s Barbie as Anastasia Steele with her very own sex dungeon.

Then again, I hear there's a BDSM Dominatrix Barbie as well. Of course, this one comes with her own cat o' nine tails. Yet, I wonder what BDSM Ken looks like.

Then again, I hear there’s a BDSM Dominatrix Barbie as well. Of course, this one comes with her own cat o’ nine tails. Yet, I wonder what BDSM Ken looks like.

15. Please your man this Christmas with these homemade knitted men’s shorts.

Let's just say even if your guy says he likes these, he will never wear them. Seriously, this is a perfectly terrible waste of yarn. Making him an ugly Christmas sweater would've been a better idea.

Let’s just say even if your guy says he likes these, he will never wear them. Seriously, this is a perfectly terrible waste of yarn. Making him an ugly Christmas sweater would’ve been a better idea.

16. Got beer cans? Well, make a lovely flower display with them for your living room.

I'm sure this Heineken six pack tulip planter will only please two kinds of people: rednecks and environmentalists. Other than that, most people would question your taste in interior decorating upon viewing this.

I’m sure this Heineken six pack tulip planter will only please two kinds of people: rednecks and environmentalists. Other than that, most people would question your taste in interior decorating upon viewing this. I’m sure this is a remnant from Martha Stewart’s college years.

17. Be the life of the party with this Pabst can skirt.

Now if this girl's in college, it's very likely that her boyfriend's in a fraternity. Else, how else could she collect all the Pabst beer cans to make this.

Now if this girl’s in college, it’s very likely that her boyfriend’s in a fraternity. Else, how else could she collect all the Pabst beer cans to make this. Still, at least this skirt is bound to slice the crap out of a potential rapist.

18. Make these figurines by creating clay made from the lint in your clothes dryer.

Sure this may look cute but making figurines with dryer lint. Well, that's about up there with knitting with dog hair. Yeah.

Sure this may look cute but making figurines with dryer lint. Well, that’s about up there with knitting with dog hair. Yeah.

19. Step in style with these duck foot pumps to go with your duckface.

Unless your job is to play Daisy Duck in Disney World, then I don't have the slightest idea why any woman wouldn't look stupid in these. Seriously, these are just crazy.

Unless your job is to play Daisy Duck in Disney World, then I don’t have the slightest idea why any woman wouldn’t look stupid in these. Seriously, these are just crazy.

20. Keep your feet warm with these colorful knitted knee socks.

Now I can't decide whether these are clown socks or psychedelic socks. Then again, if they were created by someone who's high and smell like reefer, then it's probably the latter.

Now I can’t decide whether these are clown socks or psychedelic socks. Then again, if they were created by someone who’s high and smell like reefer, then it’s probably the latter.

21. May your DIY crown of thorns not only show your love for Jesus on Easter but also be used a a prop for your local Passion Play.

Now I'm sure there's nothing wrong with using a crown of thorns as a DIY project or Easter decoration. However, it's best that you don't make this item a sacrilegious artifact by using it as an hors de' oerdurve tray. Else, the Lord will smite you.

Now I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with using a crown of thorns as a DIY project or Easter decoration. However, it’s best that you don’t make this item a sacrilegious artifact by using it as an hors de’ oeuvres tray despite the tempting toothpicks. Else, the Lord will smite you. If not, then my grandma certainly will.

22. With this breakfast hat and purse, you will always have it to go.

I'm sure this woman looks so smart with her eggs, sausage, and has browns purse as well as her bacon and eggs hat. Still, I doubt she'd want to show up at the office wearing them.

I’m sure this woman looks so smart with her eggs, sausage, and has browns purse as well as her bacon and eggs hat. Still, I doubt she’d want to show up at the office wearing them, even in the 1980s.

23. Adorn yourself with these lovely earrings with toilet paper made of pearls.

I'm sure no woman would be caught dead wearing these. That is, unless she's interviewing for a job with the sewage authority.

I’m sure no woman would be caught dead wearing these. That is, unless she’s interviewing for a job with the sewage authority or waste management. Or perhaps dating someone from those fields.

24. No girl isn’t all dressed and ready to go unless she has her very own Louis Vuitton assault rifle.

While the Louis Vuitton assault rifle may be one of the most fashionable firearms, but it can kill you. Still, why the hell would anyone make this? It's just so fucked up.

While the Louis Vuitton assault rifle may be one of the most fashionable firearms, but it can kill you. Still, why the hell would anyone make this? It’s just so fucked up.

25. Have any child feel at home with this nice little coat rack of disembodied doll parts.

Now this might be perfectly fine with the Addams family nursery. Yet, I don't think I could say the same about any other kid's room. Seriously, this is bound to cause nightmares.

Now this might be perfectly fine with the Addams family nursery. Yet, I don’t think I could say the same about any other kid’s room. Seriously, this is bound to cause nightmares.

26. Light your rooms with these lovely handbag lamps with feet.

This is basically a perfectly good waste of things you can carry stuff in. Besides, you may have no idea whether these materials are flammable.

This is basically a perfectly good waste of things you can carry stuff in. Besides, you may have no idea whether these materials are flammable.

27. Of course, handbags also make a rather great decoration for lamps as well.

Now if everything is going to hell in a hand basket, might as well scare the hell out of the Devil with this tacky creation.

Now if everything is going to hell in a hand basket, might as well scare the hell out of the Devil with this tacky creation.

28. No woman’s look is complete without a pair of high heels made from deer hooves.

Now I'm sure PETA won't be happy with me posting this. Also, I'm sure deer hoof high heels would make anyone wearing them look absolutely ridiculous.

Now I’m sure PETA won’t be happy with me posting this. Also, I’m sure deer hoof high heels would make anyone wearing them look absolutely ridiculous.

29. This stack of pancakes doesn’t look too happy.

I mean you'd feel upset too if you were covered in butter and maple syrup. I mean nobody wants that.

I mean you’d feel upset too if you were covered in butter and maple syrup. I mean nobody wants that.

30. Now that is one fancy ring.

From Regretsy: "It’s called a 'cocktail ring' because you can balance a 12 ounce tumbler on it. And it’s ceramic, so you’re all set when the hot hors d’oeuvres come out." Yet, I'm not sure if it's also used as a top hat for parrots.

From Regretsy: “It’s called a ‘cocktail ring’ because you can balance a 12 ounce tumbler on it. And it’s ceramic, so you’re all set when the hot hors d’oeuvres come out.” Yet, I’m not sure if it’s also used as a top hat for parrots.

31. Reach for the sky with this Balloon poncho.

From Regretsy: "Kind of like, 'one-size-fits-most' and 'must have.' I'm not sure about 'elegant' and 'poncho,' but then, I haven't seen it in 'Blue Moose in the Woods.'" Also, since I'm way over say, six I'd be embarrassed to wear it.

From Regretsy: “Kind of like, ‘one-size-fits-most’ and ‘must have.’ I’m not sure about ‘elegant’ and ‘poncho,’ but then, I haven’t seen it in ‘Blue Moose in the Woods.'” Also, since I’m way over say, six I’d be embarrassed to wear it.

32. This Gumball Baby Doll is a perfect gift for anyone during all occasions.

Now this doll is bound to give children nightmares. Hell, it's giving me nightmares already. Still, despite the rainbow appearance, it's as creepy as hell.

Now this doll is bound to give children nightmares. Hell, it’s giving me nightmares already. Still, despite the rainbow appearance, it’s as creepy as hell.

33. Honor your home with this one of a kind, Groundhog Native American Shield.

Now from the moment people saw this, they knew there would be 6 more weeks of crap. Also, is that groundhog eating a potato chip? Why?

Now from the moment people saw this, they knew there would be 6 more weeks of crap. Also, is that groundhog eating a potato chip? Why?

34. Have a holly, jolly, hooftastic Christmas with this deer hoof ornament.

For Rudolph so loved the world that he gave his only foot. Still, would you want this thing on your Christmas tree? I doubt it.

For Rudolph so loved the world that he gave his only foot. Still, would you want this thing on your Christmas tree? I doubt it.

35. Enhance your beauty with this eye lash necklace made from real human hair.

Hey, is this necklace winking at me? Still, why would anyone come up with this idea? I mean it's fairly creepy. Also, how?

Hey, is this necklace winking at me? Still, why would anyone come up with this idea? I mean it’s fairly creepy. Also, how?

36. Every girl this Christmas wants an alien nut doll with hair extensions riding a pony.

From Regretsy: "QUESTIONS 1. What am I looking at? 2. Where did the alien get the horse? Is it an alien horse? If so, does it contain nuts? 2. What if I wanted the head made out a filbert? 3. How much is shipping to Earth? 4. Can I buy this if I have squirrels?"

From Regretsy:
“QUESTIONS
1. What am I looking at?
2. Where did the alien get the horse? Is it an alien horse? If so, does it contain nuts?
2. What if I wanted the head made out a filbert?
3. How much is shipping to Earth?
4. Can I buy this if I have squirrels?”

37. I’m sure a rose hair decoration made from orange peel is a piece of beauty.

I don't know about you but I don't think using a compost piece as a hair decoration is a good idea. In fact, I think it's rather disgusting and highly unsanitary.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think using a compost piece as a hair decoration is a good idea. In fact, I think it’s rather disgusting and highly unsanitary.

38. Make a great presence with this ornate macreme mask.

Of course, this might make a great prop for a Halloween costume. Yet, I'm sure this mask will steal your soul. So don't look at it!

Of course, this might make a great prop for a Halloween costume. Yet, I’m sure this mask will steal your soul. So don’t look at it!

39. “*CIRCLES OF VERISIMILITUDE* represents numerous useful platters, clocks, and mirrors, all created from large metal container lids, 24 inches inches in diameter, and formed from collections of miscellaneous ‘stuff.'”

Well, I'm sure there are worse things you can do with disposable razors. I suppose killing yourself ranks among them. Still, I'm sure if I'd want this for my bourdoir since the mirror seems too small.

Well, I’m sure there are worse things you can do with disposable razors. I suppose killing yourself ranks among them. Still, I’m sure if I’d want this for my bourdoir since the mirror seems too small.

40. Now what young girl doesn’t want a pillow with Tinkerbell’s face on it?

Man, Tinkerbell certainly hasn't aged very well. Also, I don't know about you, but I'm sure she's had Botox injections if you know what I mean. Still, she's really gone downhill since Peter Pan.

Man, Tinkerbell certainly hasn’t aged very well. Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure she’s had Botox injections if you know what I mean. Still, she’s really gone downhill since Peter Pan.

41. “Victorian inspired turtle foot, with gold foil, brass wire, and bee detail. Antique green point-back rhinestones add extra sparkle, and the brass dangle gives a touch of whimsy.”

Just what I need for my new outfit: a decaying disembodied turtle foot encrusted in jewels. Wonder what happened to the rest of the turtle.

Just what I need for my new outfit: a decaying disembodied turtle foot encrusted in jewels. Wonder what happened to the rest of the turtle.

42. Light up the party with this one of a kind Yarn Monster Dress.

From Regretsy: "This might be the best 'Girl trying to look sexy in a stupid $335 dress' costume I've seen this year."

From Regretsy: “This might be the best ‘Girl trying to look sexy in a stupid $335 dress’ costume I’ve seen this year.”

43. Use your dad’s unwanted neckties to make your own sexy lingerie.

Seriously, these are thongs and they don't look comfortable by any means. Also, why would anyone do this? It's pretty disturbing if you know what I mean.

Seriously, these are thongs and they don’t look comfortable by any means. Also, why would anyone do this? It’s pretty disturbing if you know what I mean.

44. For those who want to keep their bong with their lighter, here’s a rainbow bong cozy.

Now unless you live in an area where pot's legalized, I'm sure you'll be arrested for selling either of these drug paraphernalia items on the internet. I mean look what happened to Tommy Chong.

Now unless you live in an area where pot’s legalized, I’m sure you’ll be arrested for selling either of these drug paraphernalia items on the internet. I mean look what happened to Tommy Chong.

45. Finally a doll house giving a tribute to the hit TV show Hoarders.

This woman really needs to clean her house. And I suppose that she has a ton of cats as well. Still, this is a doll house you'd give to a young girl.

This woman really needs to clean her house. And I suppose that she has a ton of cats as well. Still, this is a doll house you’d give to a young girl.

46. Finally, a little coat and hat set for a cute little chihuahua.

Man, Tinkerbell doesn't look very happy in her new crocheted bundle up set. In fact, she looks really pissed.

Man, Tinkerbell doesn’t look very happy in her new crocheted bundle up set. In fact, she looks really pissed off.

47. Now how about a nice diamond encrusted pennant with some vintage tin can?

Then again, I'm not sure if I'd want to wear a necklace with a tin that says "Ex-Lax, the Chocolate Laxative" on it. Vintage or otherwise.

Then again, I’m not sure if I’d want to wear a necklace with a tin that says “Ex-Lax, the Chocolate Laxative” on it. Vintage or otherwise.

48. Make a giant dream catcher by weaving neck ties and panty hose around a hula hoop.

Then again, I don't know what the hell this thing is. Seriously, the dreamcatcher was the closest approximation in my book. Perhaps it's what a teacher of mine called a "gok" meaning "God Only Knows."

Then again, I don’t know what the hell this thing is. Seriously, the dreamcatcher was the closest approximation in my book. Perhaps it’s what a teacher of mine called a “gok” meaning “God Only Knows.”

49. Take your mom’s tacky garden flamingos and turn them into dragons.

Never in the history of the world has something been so tacky yet so awesome at the same time. Yet, it kind more or less resembles a flamingo cyborg dragon that's painted purple and sprinkled with glitter.

Never in the history of the world has something been so tacky yet so awesome at the same time. Yet, it kind more or less resembles a flamingo cyborg dragon that’s painted purple and sprinkled with glitter.

50. I’m sure your cat would love this little mobile hat of the solar system.

I'm sure this cat seems board of its mind as well as embarrassed to have its picture taken with this solar system hat on its head. Nice try, Sheldon Cooper.

I’m sure this cat seems board of its mind as well as embarrassed to have its picture taken with this solar system hat on its head. Nice try, Sheldon Cooper.

51. If your cat loves to snuggle on your lap, why don’t you give them the next best thing?

This cat is probably thinking: "There's no way in God's green acres that I'm sitting sleeping on this pair of legs. No way in hell. Also, where are the torso and hands to stroke my fur? And where's it's head?"

This cat is probably thinking: “There’s no way in God’s green acres that I’m sitting sleeping on this pair of legs. No way in hell. Also, where are the torso and hands to stroke my fur? And where’s it’s head?”

52. For the first time ever, I bring you Potato Sack Couture.

Now I didn't know that the Paris Runway was featuring Boise for Fashion week this year. Guess those down home farm fashions are coming back.

Now I didn’t know that the Paris Runway was featuring Boise for Fashion week this year. Guess those down home farm fashions are coming back.

53. For those who want to relive key moments from The Wire, here are some miniature blocks of crack or what’s referred to as, “product.”

Now if only if they come up with a line of The Wire action figures like they did with Breaking Bad. Of course, Omar's would sell off the charts.

Now if only if they come up with a line of The Wire action figures like they did with Breaking Bad. Of course, Omar’s would sell off the charts.

54. And now a replica of Roary, mascot for the Detroit Lions.

Looks more like an appropriate mascot for the Detroit Pistons to me. That or perhaps what you get if the Terminator mated with the giant demonic blue horse at the Denver Airport.

Looks more like an appropriate mascot for the Detroit Pistons to me. That or perhaps what you get if the Terminator mated with the giant demonic blue horse at the Denver Airport.

55. Now nothing says cozy than a pair of bedroom slippers made from Maxi pads.

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? And yes, I do wear Maxi pads on a monthly basis but that's where the sun don't shine. So if I had some kind of emergency during my time of the month does that mean I could wear one of these in my underwear?

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? And yes, I do wear Maxi pads on a monthly basis but that’s where the sun don’t shine. So if I had some kind of emergency during my time of the month does that mean I could wear one of these in my underwear?

56. And now a crocheted reenactment of The Exorcist.

Now this scene is disgusting enough. Yet, let's just say if this makes your stomach upset, then you don't want to see how this scene plays out in the movie. Seriously, you don't.

Now this scene is disgusting enough. Yet, let’s just say if this makes your stomach upset, then you don’t want to see how this scene plays out in the movie. Seriously, you don’t.

57. Finally, a nice soap for young girls.

For God's sake, what's with the "Face Soap, Not Balls Soap" disclaimer. I'm sure there's no man who'd want to scrub his testicles with a soap that's meant for young girls. I mean what the hell?

For God’s sake, what’s with the “Face Soap, Not Balls Soap” disclaimer. I’m sure there’s no man who’d want to scrub his testicles with a soap that’s meant for young girls. I mean what the hell?

58. Seems E. T. didn’t have a good time in Las Vegas.

And I thought E. T. was such a sweet alien from what I've seen in the movie. Looks like my childhood is ruined since E. T.'s hung over, fresh from a fight, and has a real attitude problem.

And I thought E. T. was such a sweet alien from what I’ve seen in the movie. Looks like my childhood is ruined since E. T.’s hung over, fresh from a fight, and has a real attitude problem.

59. Now even a young girl can have her very own Sasquatch baby doll to call her own.

Eddie Munster, meet your new baby sister Debbie. I'm sure you two will get along great together since she looks a lot like you.

Eddie Munster, meet your new baby sister Debbie. I’m sure you two will get along great together since she looks a lot like you.

60. Relive your experience in high school biology class with this dissected frog knit display.

Now I remember why I didn't want to take a biology class in college and opted for geology and chemistry instead during my sophomore year. Of course, the chemistry class pertained to nutrition and hearing about Type II Diabetes every week, but that's beside the point.

Now I remember why I didn’t want to take a biology class in college and opted for geology and chemistry instead during my sophomore year. Of course, the chemistry class pertained to nutrition and hearing about Type II Diabetes every week, but that’s beside the point.

61. Nothing makes an ocean home better than a mirror decorated from inedible crab legs.

Now in regards to ocean style decor, this is quite terrifying if you know what I mean. This especially true if you have some idea where these legs came from.

Now in regards to ocean style decor, this is quite terrifying if you know what I mean. This especially true if you have some idea where these legs came from.

62. Now this seems like a truly relaxing couch pillow.

If the famous Cubist painter Pablo Picasso did couch pillows, they would've looked like this. Yet, I suppose they would've been more colorful.

If the famous Cubist painter Pablo Picasso did couch pillows, they would’ve looked like this. Yet, I suppose they would’ve been more colorful.

63. And now, three new flavors of lip balm for men.

I don't know about you but I kind of consider the idea of bacon, pizza, and dill pickle lip balm flavors rather disgusting. I mean applying these might make some people think you have a severe case of halitosis or just haven't brushed your teeth.

I don’t know about you but I kind of consider the idea of bacon, pizza, and dill pickle lip balm flavors rather disgusting. I mean applying these might make some people think you have a severe case of halitosis or just haven’t brushed your teeth.

64. May I present to you a unique artistic rendition of a liver transplant.

Now I don't know about you but I see something sinister in that surgeon. Also, is that patient George W. Bush? Looks like it. Then again, Bush is an alcoholic whether he's been drinking or not as well as a horrible president.

Now I don’t know about you but I see something sinister in that surgeon. Also, is that patient George W. Bush? Looks like it. Then again, Bush is an alcoholic whether he’s been drinking or not as well as a horrible president. Also, I wonder if there’s one of a proctologist or someone getting a colonoscopy.

65. I’m sure these are salt and pepper shakers, honestly.

Still, knowing that the "P" can mean "pee" or "piss" while the "s" could pertain to "shit," let's just say the premise of outhouse salt and pepper shakers is rather disgusting once you really think about it.

Still, knowing that the “P” can mean “pee” or “piss” while the “s” could pertain to “shit,” let’s just say the premise of outhouse salt and pepper shakers is rather disgusting once you really think about it.

66. Adorn your living room with these giant pillows of rotten bananas.

I'm sure the person who made these was planning on doing banana pillows but couldn't find any yellow fabric. So he or she probably settled with black instead. Still, rather disgusting if you know what I mean.

I’m sure the person who made these was planning on doing banana pillows but couldn’t find any yellow fabric. So he or she probably settled with black instead. Still, rather disgusting if you know what I mean.

67. And now, a great fashion runway show featuring the Hamburger Monster Yarn Dress.

I guess this Yarn Hamburger Queen dress was one of the failed attempts for McDonalds to find a new companion for the Hamburglar. Yet, only the Hamburglar would know that this dress was good enough to eat.

I guess this Yarn Hamburger Queen dress was one of the failed attempts for McDonalds to find a new companion for the Hamburglar. Yet, only the Hamburglar would know that this dress was good enough to eat.

68. I now introduce you to Chewbacca, master of seduction.

Now let's say that there are some women who may find a walking carpet like Chewie rather sexy, but those girls usually attend furry conventions. Still, this is a great Star Wars take off from that picture of George in that Seinfeld episode.

Now let’s say that there are some women who may find a walking carpet like Chewie rather sexy, but those girls usually attend furry conventions. Still, this is a great Star Wars take off from that picture of George in that Seinfeld episode.

69. In the NSA even the coffeemakers are spies.

Don't look now but whenever someone in the NSA gets a cup of joe, this coffee machine is watching them every second of the day. Talk about terrifying.

Don’t look now but whenever someone in the NSA gets a cup of joe, this coffee machine is watching them every second of the day. Talk about terrifying.

70. Grace your living room with this lovely coffin couch.

I'm sure this coffin would go very well in Dracula's Transylvania Castle. I'm sure it would be a great place for him to sleep whenever his wife banishes him from their double coffin during the day.

I’m sure this coffin would go very well in Dracula’s Transylvania Castle. I’m sure it would be a great place for him to sleep whenever his wife banishes him from their double coffin during the day.

71. During Halloween, perhaps you can dispense little pumpkin soaps to trick or treaters.

I'm sure kids would know that these pumpkin soaps aren't real candy they could eat. Well, any kid over the age of 6 anyway.

I’m sure kids would know that these pumpkin soaps aren’t real candy they could eat. Well, any kid over the age of 6 anyway.

72. Finally, a nice hand crocheted cozy for your vibrator.

Seriously, a cozy for a vibrator? Now I haven't heard that before. Still, why?

Seriously, a cozy for a vibrator? Now I haven’t heard that before. Still, why make a cozy for a sex toy? Why?

73. Get in the fall spirit wit this turkey feather headdress.

Looks more like something I'd see on my next door neighbor's living room wall than something I'd actually wear on my head. Of course, the turkey in question would've been shot by my neighbors' anyway.

Looks more like something I’d see on my next door neighbor’s living room wall than something I’d actually wear on my head. Of course, the turkey in question would’ve been shot by my neighbors’ anyway.

74. Now I’m sure this is a great Thanksgiving outfit for a toddler girl.

Seriously, this is the toddler equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. Also, it's incredibly hideous. If I had a daughter, there's no way in hell I'd have her wear that. That would be too cruel.

Seriously, this is the toddler equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. Also, it’s incredibly hideous. If I had a daughter, there’s no way in hell I’d have her wear that. That would be too cruel.

75. While adults have pumpkin spice lattes, it’s only natural for kids to have pumpkin spice Play Dough.

Then again, maybe this autumn pumpkin spice craze might be going too far. Thanks a lot, Starbucks. Of course I was being sarcastic.

Then again, maybe this autumn pumpkin spice craze might be going too far. Thanks a lot, Starbucks. Of course I was being sarcastic.

76. To decorate your living room for Thanksgiving, here’s a painting of a dysfunctional family dinner.

Still, may this dysfunctional family dinner painting be a reminder that you're thankful for having a family that's not like them.

Still, may this dysfunctional family dinner painting be a reminder that you’re thankful for having a family that’s not like them. I mean these people seem very screwed up with several members being alcoholics.

77. For Thanksgiving, why don’t you eat pretzels with these turkey pretzel holders.

Of course, these Thanksgiving pretzel holders could also double as dildos. However, I'm sure a dildo with a turkey face could totally kill the mood.

Of course, these Thanksgiving pretzel holders could also double as dildos. However, I’m sure a dildo with a turkey face could totally kill the mood.

78. Greet the new year with this stunning New Year’s Eve dress.

You may not know it, but this dress also doubles as a bedsheet or drapery. Still, hope this woman has a holed hood to go with it or she may offend many from the African American community.

You may not know it, but this dress also doubles as a bedsheet or drapery. Still, hope this woman has a holed hood to go with it or she may offend many from the African American community.

79. To get in the Christmas spirit, I give you the coal angel.

Of course, this coal angel doesn't seem too happy here. Then again, I'm sure there aren't many kids who'd want her in their stocking. Yet, at least you can toss her in the fire come January.

Of course, this coal angel doesn’t seem too happy here. Then again, I’m sure there aren’t many kids who’d want her in their stocking. Yet, at least you can toss her in the fire come January.

80. Grace your office with this lovely glass paper weight of Swedish ice.

I don't know about you, but this doesn't seem to resemble much of a Swedish iceberg as it tends to look like a glass turd.

I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t seem to resemble much of a Swedish iceberg as it tends to look like a glass turd.

The Wonderful World of Thanksgiving Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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As with most holidays, cakes seem to have a special place. And Thanksgiving is no exception. Of course, the motifs are turkey, Pilgrims, Indians, pumpkins, cornucopia, and fall. Of course, you’ve probably seen some of them in my previous post on Thanksgiving treats. Still, I could go on and on about the nice lovely turkey day cakes I’ve seen. However, all that would make you unwilling to view such post. So instead, I’ll show you some other cakes that you might not want around at your family home on Thanksgiving. Whether it’s poor depictions of turkeys or something you don’t want your kids to see, sometimes mistakes are made. So without further adieu, here are some of the cakes featuring Thanksgiving blunders.

1. I’m sorry about your cornfield being hit by that tornado.

Wait a minute, this is a cornucopia? Still, at least we can be thankful for not having to see those giant corny death rays.

Wait a minute, this is a cornucopia? Still, at least we can be thankful for not having to see those giant corny death rays.

2. Looks like that Pilgrim Father’s wearing a hat that seems 3 sizes too small.

Are you sure this isn't a cake meant to celebrate Saint Patrick's Day? Just saying.

Are you sure this isn’t a cake meant to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day? Just saying. Then again, he may just have been covering a receding hairline.

3. This cake is a representation of what happens if you give a Butterball Turkey to a vegetarian.

That's right. Give a turkey to a vegetarian and it will sit in the fridge for days until it gathers mildew and starts to smell.

That’s right. Give a turkey to a vegetarian and it will sit in the fridge for days until it gathers mildew and starts to smell terribly.

4. As we all say, “In one end and out the other.”

Yet, as far as this cake decorator was concerned, I wonder if he or she was sure which end was which. I mean the head seems to be iced on the wrong end.

Yet, as far as this cake decorator was concerned, I wonder if he or she was sure which end was which. I mean the head seems to be iced on the wrong end.

5. This bird’s on fire, it’s rolling down the road…..

Basically this is what happens to a turkey if you think cooking one for Thanksgiving is setting one on fire while alive.

Basically this is what happens to a turkey if you think cooking one for Thanksgiving is setting one on fire while alive.

6. While some say “Happy Thanksgiving,” others take a bit of artistic license.

From Cakewrecks: "And lo, they laid the baby glow worm in a manger, and saideth, 'Thanks AND Giving' Lo. Cometh hath. And sucheth."

From Cakewrecks: “And lo, they laid the baby glow worm in a manger, and saideth, ‘Thanks AND Giving’ Lo. Cometh hath. And sucheth.”

7. As he awaited his torment in the infernal regions of Hell, Tom the Turkey stood there wondering what he had ever done to deserve such wretched fate.

Then again, he's probably roasting in some oven or something. Perhaps awaiting to meet his death through heat exhaustion.

Then again, he’s probably roasting in some oven or something. Perhaps awaiting to meet his death through heat exhaustion.

8. Now this turkey seems to be a little too well done here.

Of course, even though this turkey cake looks burnt, it's probably better to eat than the real thing.

Of course, even though this turkey cake looks burnt, it’s probably better to eat than the real thing.

9. Now I’ve never seen quite a turkey with elaborate tail feathers on its head.

Of course, this turkey seems to have a very colorful personality and possibly too much of the brown acid at Woodstock.

Of course, this turkey seems to have a very colorful personality and possibly too much of the brown acid at Woodstock.

10. Sure turkeys are big, but they’re utterly helpless when surrounded by mice.

For God's sake, this turkey's feathers seem to resemble punk spikes. Also, what's with the creepy mice?

For God’s sake, this turkey’s feathers seem to resemble punk spikes. Also, what’s with the creepy mice?

11. Even when gutted, plucked, stuffed, and baked, this turkey seems to be surprisingly good at yoga.

Of course, I'm quite sure that turkeys certainly don't have their legs stretched out like that. Still, doesn't look right for some reason.

Of course, I’m quite sure that turkeys certainly don’t have their legs stretched out like that. Still, doesn’t look right for some reason.

12. Nothing says Thanksgiving than having a turkey being surrounded by tiny phalluses and turd flames.

Of course, this doesn't look like a turkey in as much as it resembles some weird angry bird's head about to explode.

Of course, this doesn’t look like a turkey in as much as it resembles some weird angry bird’s head about to explode.

13. Now this bird seems to be a little rambunctious.

Either this turkey is just overexcited over something, in panic mode, or just plain high on some LSD.

Either this turkey is just overexcited over something, in panic mode, or just plain high on some LSD.

14. Perhaps this turkey is pining for the fjords.

"'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This turkey is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TURKEY!!"

“‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This turkey is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e
rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TURKEY!!”

15. A rolling pumpkin gathers no vines.

Whereas this pumpkin cake seems to have a stem at the top of it that resembles a turd. Perhaps some creature just took a dump on it.

Whereas this pumpkin cake seems to have a stem at the top of it that resembles a turd. Perhaps some creature just took a dump on it.

16. Oh great, I always wanted to have a Thanksgiving barbecued turkey dinner.

Of course, it doesn't really look a real turkey. Barbecued or otherwise. Still, are those real raw potatoes? Now that's strange.

Of course, it doesn’t really look a real turkey. Barbecued or otherwise. Still, are those real raw potatoes? Now that’s strange.

17. Thanksgiving turkey or just a walking mutant turkey headed gingerbread man in a burning wheat field?

Seems like this cake decorator seems a bit too taken in with all this Christmas commercialism these days.

Seems like this cake decorator seems a bit too taken in with all this Christmas commercialism these days.

18. This turkey seems to be incredibly stuff.

This is why you should always chew with your mouth closed. Also, a lesson that you shouldn't confuse your TP with your TNT.

This is why you should always chew with your mouth closed. Also, a lesson that you shouldn’t confuse your TP with your TNT.

19. Now this turkey seems to have a very huge ass crack.

Is it just me or does anyone else think this turkey is mooning us?

Is it just me or does anyone else think this turkey is mooning us? Seriously, I think this bird should be arrested for indecent exposure.

20. May we wish you a “Happy Gooble Gooble Day.”

Seriously, how can one person managed to mispell "gobble" for God's sake? It's not a hard word to spell. Even a kid could manage it.

Seriously, how can one person managed to mispell “gobble” for God’s sake? It’s not a hard word to spell. Even a kid could manage it.

21. Before The Nightmare Before Christmas there was The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving.

Of course, The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving didn't do too well at the box office got terrible reviews. Besides, it managed to anger many in the Native American community that it was pulled from release.

Of course, The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving didn’t do too well at the box office got terrible reviews. Besides, it managed to anger many in the Native American community that it was pulled from release.

22. Happy Thanksgiving from a black Ken doll in a speedo on a bear rug?

I'm sure this turkey day Burt Reynolds' centerfold imitation is sure going to go real well with the parents of small children. Not.

I’m sure this turkey day Burt Reynolds’ centerfold imitation is sure going to go real well with the parents of small children. Not.

23. Happy Thanksgiving, from the Naughty Gingerbread Man.

Seems like Gingy got arrested of indecent exposure. Still, perhaps the baker seems to have gotten too caught up with Christmas.

Seems like Gingy got arrested of indecent exposure. Still, perhaps the baker seems to have gotten too caught up with Christmas.

24. Now you leave the turkey in the oven until it turns golden brown,

Jesus Christ, turkey is people! This is one of the most disturbing turkeys I've ever seen.

Jesus Christ, turkey is people! This is one of the most disturbing turkeys I’ve ever seen. Still, why does cake even exist?

25. So this is Foghorn Leghorn’s brother from Colorado.

Sure while Foghorn Leghorn is a southern gentlemen, Highorn Leghorn relocated to the Haight Ashbury of San Francisco and got a little too into the drug scene and Rastafarianism.

Sure while Foghorn Leghorn is a southern gentlemen, Highorn Leghorn relocated to the Haight Ashbury of San Francisco and got a little too into the drug scene and Rastafarianism.

26. This turkey is literally on fire.

Then again, its drumsticks seem to have an appearance of a couple of burning cigarettes. And what's with the smiley face?

Then again, its drumsticks seem to have an appearance of a couple of burning cigarettes. And what’s with the smiley face?

28. Nothing like a turkey than one as a black and white cartoon character.

Now that's just so utterly terrifying. Also, I wonder if that turkey is about to do something terrible.

Now that’s just so utterly terrifying. Also, I wonder if that turkey is about to do something terrible. I’d keep my eye on him, if I were you.

29. Eat this turkey, I dare you.

I'm sure that they cut off the turkey's head before they put it in the oven. Actually decapitation is the first thing they do with a turkey.

I’m sure that they cut off the turkey’s head before they put it in the oven. Actually decapitation is the first thing they do with a turkey.

30. Now this is one bright and colorful turkey.

Seems more like a cross between one of those fold up party decorations and a turd to me. Also, seems to be made from a wedding cake sideways.

Seems more like a cross between one of those fold up party decorations and a turd to me. Also, seems to be made from a wedding cake sideways.

31. I wouldn’t worry since this turkey is just about half as good as it looks.

Then again, if it's half as good as it looks, then it must really taste like shit.

Then again, if it’s half as good as it looks, then it must really taste like shit. Also, it kind of seems real dry and can use some gravy.

32. Now this is a nice turkey cake for the kids.

Wait a minute, that turkey's head looks like a sex toy for some reason? That or some abnormally shaped phallus.

Wait a minute, does that turkey’s head looks like a sex toy for some reason? That or some abnormally shaped phallus.

33. I’ll take a-drumstick?

Wait a minute, are those drumsticks or spray painted poo made to look like drumsticks?

Wait a minute, are those drumsticks or spray painted poo made to look like drumsticks? Seriously, why?

34. Finally, a decent looking Thanksgiving turkey cake.

Hey, what's with the Frosty the Snowman hat and scarf? Don't tell me they're trying to sneak Christmas upon us!

Hey, what’s with the Frosty the Snowman hat and scarf? Don’t tell me they’re trying to sneak Christmas upon us!

35. Now that is one huge turkey in this one.

Seems like this turkey doesn't seem too happy here, to be dessert. Still, a bit too realistic if you know what I mean.

Seems like this turkey doesn’t seem too happy here, to be dessert. Still, a bit too realistic if you know what I mean.

36. How about the cake that combines Thanksgiving and football?

Wait, is that a turkey or a football with drumsticks? Seriously, this might not have been a good idea.

Wait, is that a turkey or a football with drumsticks? Seriously, this might not have been a good idea.

37. Things seem to be getting wacky at NBC and not in a good way.

Seems like NBC wants to get in the Thanksgiving spirit by replacing their peacock with a turkey. Doesn't seem to take since the turkey might be tripping on something.

Seems like NBC wants to get in the Thanksgiving spirit by replacing their peacock with a turkey. Doesn’t seem to take since the turkey might be tripping on something.

38. Now here’s a great Thanksgiving cake straight from Jurassic Park.

This is not a turkey. It may be a velociraptor, Sesame Street puppet, or some kind of cartoon exotic bird. But it is not a turkey.

This is not a turkey. It may be a velociraptor, Sesame Street puppet, or some kind of cartoon exotic bird. But it is not a turkey.

39. Now this turkey can’t seem to get enough of the fireworks.

Because he seems to be bombarded by them all the time. Also, I didn't know turkeys can fly. Wait a minute, domestic ones can't while wild ones, not too well.

Because he seems to be bombarded by them all the time. Also, I didn’t know turkeys can fly. Wait a minute, domestic ones can’t while wild ones, not too well.

40. I’ll some turkey breast meat, thank you very much.

Actually, that's not what I had in mind. Besides, what farmers putting into their turkeys these days which causes them to grow mammaries? It's unnatural!

Actually, that’s not what I had in mind. Besides, what farmers putting into their turkeys these days which causes them to grow mammaries? It’s unnatural!

Vintage Thanksgiving Advertising in the Days of Old

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Now in case you don’t remember, Thanksgiving is a holiday that falls on the last Thursday of November between Halloween and Christmas. It’s the one in which was based off the large 1621 feast in present day Plymouth, Massachusetts between a group of English religious nuts in funny hats and buckled shoes and generous indigenous people who would later become victims of genocide. Still, you would know these groups as “Pilgrims” and “Indians” but if you want to know some of the details from the first Thanksgiving story, you might as well go to my movie history post on Colonial America (it’s the one with Daniel Day Lewis from Arthur Miller’s The Crucible). Anyway, kids make paper costumes and dress like them when they aren’t doing tracing their hands to make turkeys. Of course, it’s been a national holiday since the 1860s though, which might’ve been promoted by an editor of a ladies’ magazine. Anyway, this a time when American families all over the country gather together to give thanks and enjoy a meal consisting of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and perhaps a lot of things that aren’t really good for you. On the TV lineup, you have the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade special in the morning followed by The Purina National Dog Show hosted by John O’Hurley. Both programs are on NBC and in my house. The afternoon is mostly followed with football and an evening with either Thanksgiving programming or Christmas specials. As for me, my nuclear family just invites my grandparents and possibly out of state relatives for steak and shrimp since my mom’s one of eight kids who are mostly seeing their in-laws. Then we have Thanksgiving dinner on the day after, though I’m not sure if I’m going to make it this year since it would Black Friday and I accepted a retail job for the holiday season.

Now when we think of vintage ads pertaining to Thanksgiving, we tend to imagine the Norman Rockwell image of a family gathered at a large table featuring a succulent turkey. Of course, with the Christmas ad cavalcade, that we have any Thanksgiving advertising at all. However, many of these ads I feature in this post don’t really conform to that wholesome family image and may feature dishes that may be as bad on the eyes as they are in your arteries. So without further adieu, here some old timey Thanksgiving ads that you make you glad you didn’t live at that time.

1. Nothing goes better with Thanksgiving dinner than Rhinegold Beer.

Because after this woman is done killing, skinning, gutting, basting, and cooking the turkey, she's sure as hell going to need a drink.

Because after this woman is done killing, skinning, gutting, basting, and cooking the turkey, she’s sure as hell going to need a drink.

2. On this Thanksgiving, may Buster Brown help positively channel your children’s budding homicidal tendencies.

After a decade, and you might see that little boy with the axe in a newspaper listed as a prolific serial killer. I mean he obviously enjoys killing animals which means he's probably a raging psychopath in the making. And does that girl have blood spilling from her hand?

After a decade, and you might see that little boy with the axe in a newspaper listed as a prolific serial killer. I mean he obviously enjoys killing animals which means he’s probably a raging psychopath in the making. And does that girl have blood spilling from her hand?

3. Drink Budweiser for the first Thanksgiving was for corn.

For one, beer's made from hops, barely, and wheat, not corn. Second, what in the hell do Southwest Pueblo Indians have to do with Thanksgiving? The Indians at the first Thanksgiving were Algonquin for God's sake. And it took place in New England, not Arizona.

For one, beer’s made from hops, barely, and wheat, not corn. Second, what in the hell do Southwest Pueblo Indians have to do with Thanksgiving? The Indians at the first Thanksgiving were Algonquin for God’s sake. And it took place in New England, not Arizona!

4. Like the Pilgrims, enjoy your Thanksgiving with Heinz’s Boston Baked Beans.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston didn't even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false.

Now at least Heinz is better with geography than Boston. However, you need to understand that in 1621, the city of Boston, Massachusetts didn’t even exist yet! So the notion of the Pilgrims enjoying Boston Baked Beans is very much false. Yet, there is a Boston in England though.

5. Nothing says Thanksgiving like super skinny model and four turkey dinners in the background.

Of course, the model here is encouraging women to buy knits that would help them cover the extra pounds they'd gain after eating a Thanksgiving dinner or two (if you count the in-laws).

Of course, the model here is encouraging women to buy knits that would help them cover the extra pounds they’d gain after eating a Thanksgiving dinner or two (if you count the in-laws). The model kind of reminds me as the bitchy ex-wife from My Name Is Earl if she wore attire from the 1960s.

6. Beer: The Thanksgiving beverage for the grownup table.

Guess you must be 21 years old to sit at the adult table in this family. Still, I guess the kiddies shouldn't disturb the adult family members while they're hammered on the Turkey Day booze.

Guess you must be 21 years old to sit at the adult table in this family. Still, I guess the kiddies shouldn’t disturb the adult family members while they’re hammered on the Turkey Day booze. And even Grandma gets a beer.

7. Try our new Campbell’s Turkey Noodle Soup.

Now turkey noodle soup is a dish people make with the leftover turkey bits after Thanksgiving. And it's much more healthy and hardy than whatever Campbell's shows here.

Now turkey noodle soup is a dish people make with the leftover turkey bits after Thanksgiving. And it’s much more healthy and hardy than whatever Campbell’s shows here. Still, a great taste of salty flavor. Mmmm…salt.

8. Butter always makes everything taste better even turkey in Canada, eh?

Now this is an ad for Thanksgiving Turkey from a Canadian company. Now Canada celebrates their Thanksgiving earlier. However, either way, a buttered turkey is bound not to be good for your cholesterol.

Now this is an ad for Thanksgiving Turkey from a Canadian company. Now Canada celebrates their Thanksgiving earlier. However, either way, a buttered turkey is bound not to be good for your cholesterol.

9. Whether it’s for chocolate cake, stuffed apples, and yams, marshmallows go well with everything.

Now I'm all right with having marshmallows in apples and cake. Yet, in a dish for sweet potatoes for dinner, well, that makes the Thanksgiving dinner on the Charlie Brown special seem fairly healthy by comparison.

Now I’m all right with having marshmallows in apples and cake. Yet, in a dish for sweet potatoes for dinner, well, that makes the Thanksgiving dinner on the Charlie Brown special seem fairly healthy by comparison.

10. For a finishing touch on your Thanksgiving dinner, here’s Maxwell Coffee.

Now I guess that none of the men at Thanksgiving won't be having any coffee, unless they're the designated driver. Most likely the coffee would be drank up by those who prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

Now I guess that none of the men at Thanksgiving won’t be having any coffee, unless they’re the designated driver. Most likely the coffee would be drank up by those who prepared the dinner in the kitchen.

11. Nothing makes a better Thanksgiving decoration than a cranberry scented candle.

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Helman's and the

Wait a minute, this is an ad for Hellman’s and the “candles” are supposed to be salads you have to eat? And there’s even a recipe for it listed. Now this is just fucked up. There’s really no way I’m going to eat food that’s being burned as a candle.

12. For a vegetable, go with Del Monte canned sweet corn because it’s soft on your grandpa’s dentures.

Now my family doesn't serve canned corn on Thanksgiving because it's out of season. However, the only reason why anyone in my house would buy canned corn is to donate to the food bank or to store in case of an apocalypse. Besides, canned veggies aren't really good for you anyway.

Now my family doesn’t serve canned corn on Thanksgiving because it’s out of season. However, the only reason why anyone in my house would buy canned corn is to donate to the food bank or to store in case of an apocalypse. Besides, canned veggies aren’t really good for you anyway.

13. Try to make him taste the best with Campbell’s soup.

Of course, Campbell's soup is great for flavoring the turkey, if you crave for that great salty taste of its chicken broth. As they sat at Campbell's,

Of course, Campbell’s soup is great for flavoring the turkey, if you crave for that great salty taste of its chicken broth. As they sat at Campbell’s, “Mmmm…Salt.” Oh, I’m sure the pilgrim will strangle the turkey to death all the way home. Also, why does the soup have to be tomato for God’s sake?

14. For the black woman, use Du Pont cellophane to seal the freshness of the Thanksgiving food that you’re never going to eat.

You can figure the woman in this ad isn't going to eat the food she's wrapping up because her wardrobe screams,

You can figure the woman in this ad isn’t going to eat the food she’s wrapping up because her wardrobe screams, “maid.” Let’s just say the black maid is a rather demeaning black stereotype, if you know what I mean.

15. Get that down home feel, with a pack of Winston’s cigarettes.

Of course, they'll be giving the kiddies exposure to second hand smoke. Also, I'm sure that down home taste isn't worth the possibility of spending your last years with no hair and a respirator.

Of course, they’ll be giving the kiddies exposure to second hand smoke. Also, I’m sure that down home taste isn’t worth the possibility of spending your last years with no hair and a respirator.

16. Have your cranberry surprise on a platter as a salad or an appetizer.

Now using cranberry sauce and fruit salad as a salad is one thing. But using it as a dip on an appetizer platter, now that's just disgusting.

Now using cranberry sauce and fruit salad as a salad is one thing. But using it as a dip on an appetizer platter, now that’s just disgusting.

17. Buy your Big Ben Westclock to make sure the turkey is baked just right, for death.

I'm sure the little girl and her grandma are so excited with the turkey coming out of the oven. Probably because they could lace it with arsenic laced gravy. Yeah, this is the Thanksgiving that will kill practically everyone.

I’m sure the little girl and her grandma are so excited with the turkey coming out of the oven. Probably because they could lace it with arsenic laced gravy. Yeah, this is the Thanksgiving that will kill practically everyone.

18. Try McCormick for your pumpkin spice pie or pumpkin spice latte.

I hope those black splotches on the pumpkin pie are either spice or burn marks. Let's hope it's not mildew shall we?

I hope those black splotches on the pumpkin pie are either spice or burn marks. Let’s hope it’s not mildew shall we? Because that would be gross.

19. Don’t have time to cook on Thanksgiving? Well, why don’t you buy a TV dinner?

I don't know about you, but I don't think someone who buys a frozen TV dinner for Thanksgiving has anyone to celebrate the holiday with. Either that or can't cook. Also, TV dinners aren't very good for you either.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think someone who buys a frozen TV dinner for Thanksgiving has anyone to celebrate the holiday with. Either that or can’t cook. Also, TV dinners aren’t very good for you either.

20. For actual Thanksgiving dishes, why don’t you go with borderline tupperware Pyrex?

Of course, I wonder how could this woman slave over cooking Thanksgiving dinner while still keeping herself so glamorous and her kitchen so tidy. I'm sure that women must envy her for those tasks seem impossible.

Of course, I wonder how could this woman slave over cooking Thanksgiving dinner while still keeping herself so glamorous and her kitchen so tidy. I’m sure that women must envy her for those tasks seem impossible.

21. Now join the veggie bandwagon with Lucky Strike cigarettes. It will give you a very good time.

If I were the turkey, I'd be as scared as hell of her running over me. Actually she kind of scares the hell out of me, too. Still, let's just say Lucky Strike was one of the more famous cigarettes that might lead you to an early death. Mostly because it had no filter.

If I were the turkey, I’d be as scared as hell of her running over me. Actually she kind of scares the hell out of me, too. Still, let’s just say Lucky Strike was one of the more famous cigarettes that might lead you to an early death. Mostly because it had no filter.

22. Make Schlitz your Thanksgiving beer as you pull the wishbone.

Let's hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and put go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

Let’s hope that this couple is married to each other because I think I know what happens after they pull the wishbone and go to bed. Still, why so many Thanksgiving ads for booze?

23. Sorry, it’s dinner time, so just let us finish our beer.

While seeing guys drinking beer is something to be expected on Thanksgiving, I don't understand why they all have to be in suits. Seriously, on my family, a collared shirt and khakis are as formal as it goes.

While seeing guys drinking beer is something to be expected on Thanksgiving, I don’t understand why they all have to be in suits. Seriously, on my family, a collared shirt and khakis are as formal as it goes.

24. After Thanksgiving dinner, enjoy a smoke with Turkish tobacco.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the young guy's a soldier in WWI so that might the last time he takes a nice quiet smoke in any circumstance. Yet, there must be kids running around for sure.

Seriously, having a Thanksgiving smoke after dinner to spend quality time with your family? Sheesh. Still, the family who smokes together all dies of lung cancer.

25. Nothing says Thanksgiving greetings than a Western Union telegram.

Of course, while the creepy younger boy can't wait to eat, the girl doesn't seem too keen of eating a piece of steaming nightmare loaf. Oh, and Grandma forgives Dad for sending her to that rest home.

Of course, while the creepy younger boy can’t wait to eat, the girl doesn’t seem too keen of eating a piece of steaming nightmare loaf. Oh, and Grandma forgives Dad for sending her to that rest home.

26. Start your Thanksgiving with Cream of Wheat cereal.

Have to hand it to the offensive black stereotype Rastus to solve the world's hunger problems by carrying a turkey that could feed a small village and cereal.

Have to hand it to the offensive black stereotype Rastus to solve the world’s hunger problems by carrying a turkey that could feed a small village and cereal.

27. Drink some hot Dr. Pepper with lime for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now I don't know about you, but I think hot pop is not just disgusting but bound to rot your teeth. Oh, wait a minute, they're cocktails.

Now I don’t know about you, but I think hot pop is not just disgusting but bound to rot your teeth. Oh, wait a minute, they’re cocktails.

28. Now this woman doesn’t need a man to kill her turkey, all thanks to Chesterfield cigarettes.

Still, I don't think cigarettes have ever been tools for female empowerment. In fact, quite the opposite. Seriously, those smokers who can bag their own turkeys today, certainly won't tomorrow.

Still, I don’t think cigarettes have ever been tools for female empowerment. In fact, quite the opposite. Seriously, those smokers who can bag their own turkeys today, certainly won’t tomorrow.

29. How about taking your Thanksgiving turkey leftovers and putting them in a jello bowl to serve as a casserole?

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the stoner food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner.

This is proof that what was once a delectable family dish of the 1950s will soon become the college kid food of the 21st century. Besides, jello is a dessert food, not something you have with dinner. Just why do they seem to put jello in everything?

30. So what if you overate that Thanksgiving dinner? Why don’t you have a bottle of Coke and double decker sandwich?

Then again, since Thanksgiving weekend pertains to rampant Christmas shopping with Black Friday and the first day of buck season, this meal might not be a bad idea.

Then again, since Thanksgiving weekend pertains to rampant Christmas shopping with Black Friday and the first day of buck season, this meal might not be a bad idea. After all, some people will need the calories.

31. Butter your Thanksgiving bird with Keyko.

I don't know about you but somehow this ad makes a scene of a mother basting a turkey in front of her kids unintentionally terrifying.

I don’t know about you but somehow this ad makes a scene of a mother basting a turkey in front of her kids unintentionally terrifying. Still, buttered turkey is bound to clog your arteries.

32. Feast on Ocean Spray cranberries and enjoy them as the Pilgrims did.

Then again, even if the Pilgrims didn't eat cranberries on the first Thanksgiving, we can be sure that the Native Americans ate them. So this ad isn't completely wrong. However, I'm sure they didn't consume them with gelatin though. Nor did they make sundaes from them.

Then again, even if the Pilgrims didn’t eat cranberries on the first Thanksgiving, we can be sure that the Native Americans ate them. So this ad isn’t completely wrong. However, I’m sure they didn’t consume them with gelatin though. Nor did they make sundaes from them.

33. For Thanksgiving dinner, why not make orange marshmallow yam-yums?

Seriously, this is disgusting and definitely not good for you. I mean marshmallows are basically candy for God's sake. Seriously, how the hell did people come up with such recipes?

Seriously, this is disgusting and definitely not good for you. I mean marshmallows are basically candy for God’s sake. Seriously, how the hell did people come up with such recipes?

34. Smoking, like Thanksgiving is an American tradition.

Now this seems like a rather decent Thanksgiving ad. However, just because Americans have been smoking for centuries doesn't mean it's a tradition that should be encouraged.

Now this seems like a rather decent Thanksgiving ad. However, just because Americans have been smoking for centuries doesn’t mean it’s a tradition that should be encouraged.

35. Seagram’s Crown Whiskey, a great beverage for your Thanksgiving dinner.

Now drinking beer on Thanksgiving is one thing. However, I'm sure whiskey is perhaps the kind of alcoholic drink you don't want at a family event. Still, this guy seems either hammered or can't resist the turkey smell.

Now drinking beer on Thanksgiving is one thing. However, I’m sure whiskey is perhaps the kind of alcoholic drink you don’t want at a family event. Still, this guy seems either hammered or can’t resist the turkey smell.

36. For Thanksgiving in 1942, top off your turkey dinner with some Schenley Whiskey.

Good God. I know that's not Jimmy Stewart because he's in his thirties at the time and is on his WWII hiatus (which means he has yet to make It's a Wonderful Life and a three Hitchcock flicks). Yet, when I saw this it just as if Jimmy Stewart arrived to celebrate Thanksgiving 1942 from 20 or 30 years to the future in a time machine.

Good God! I know that’s not Jimmy Stewart because he’s in his thirties at the time and is on his WWII hiatus (which means he has yet to make It’s a Wonderful Life and a three Hitchcock flicks). Yet, when I saw this it just as if Jimmy Stewart arrived to celebrate Thanksgiving 1942 from 20 or 30 years to the future in a time machine.

37. Behold, a turkey endorsing Schenley Whiskey as the Mayflower beckons in the distance.

Now I've seen turkeys before in cartoons and in real life. Now I can say that you may call wild turkey whiskey but that bird in the Pilgrim outfit depicted in the ad just looks like a rooster to me. More like a Rhode Island Red than Wild Turkey.

Now I’ve seen turkeys before in cartoons and in real life. Now I can say that you may call wild turkey whiskey but that bird in the Pilgrim outfit depicted in the ad just looks like a rooster to me. More like a Rhode Island Red than Wild Turkey.

38. For you digestion, smoke Camels cigarettes with everything so have a pack on the table to keep you company at all times.

On second thought, you might want to go with antacid, Tums, or Pepto. Let's just say smoking tobacco can result in cardiovascular disease, cancer, emphysema, COPD, asthma, skin yellowing, and early death.

On second thought, you might want to go with antacid, Tums, or Pepto. Let’s just say smoking tobacco can result in cardiovascular disease, cancer, emphysema, COPD, asthma, skin yellowing, and early death.

39. For those who can’t get a turkey for this Thanksgiving, why don’t you go with Spam Birds?

Actually spam has an even poorer nutritional quality than turkey or any meat in that matter. Then again, being WWII, I suppose people had to make do. Still, it's about as good a substitute for turkey as tofu and I'll leave it at that.

Actually spam has an even poorer nutritional quality than turkey or any meat in that matter. Then again, being WWII, I suppose people had to make do. Still, it’s about as good a substitute for turkey as tofu and I’ll leave it at that.

40. Buy some Dromedary Dates for your Thanksgiving fruitcake.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake. That is, unless it's covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

Of course, this ad would be perfectly fine besides the fact that nobody eats fruitcake (or at least admits it). That is, unless it’s covered in booze or served with it. No wonder there were so many Thanksgiving booze ads.

41. Even though Mom had to slave all day in the kitchen cooking Thanksgiving dinner, she still had to be well made up with perfect hair.

Talk about setting impossible standards for women back in the day. Also, Dad seems to be wearing his suit and tie for some reason. Not to mention, the kitchen seems way too immaculate for any cooking to take place.

Talk about setting impossible standards for women back in the day. Also, Dad seems to be wearing his suit and tie for some reason. Not to mention, the kitchen seems way too immaculate for any cooking to take place.

42. For your mounds of cranberries in lettuce, use Hellman’s mayonnaise.

These are disgusting beyond all repute an hardly qualify for a salad. Also, the gelatine content must be insane.

These are disgusting beyond all repute an hardly qualify for a salad. Also, the gelatine content must be insane.

43. Celebrate Thanksgiving with a vegetable loaf containing apple rings, mashed potatoes, and “cranberry turkey.”

Now I suppose this was the vegetarian option back in the day. Still, whatever a

Now I suppose this was the vegetarian option back in the day. Still, whatever a “cranberry turkey” is, I don’t want to know.

44. Happy Thanksgiving, now bring on the beer.

Yeah, everything Thanksgiving seems to be here. I mean they got turkey, china, candles, and booze. Still, the adults are going to be buzzed when dinner's over.

Yeah, everything Thanksgiving seems to be here. I mean they got turkey, china, candles, and booze. Still, the adults are going to be buzzed when dinner’s over.

45. It’s always great for Dad to don his chef’s hat and help out baking the turkey.

Still, it doesn't hurt Mom that he has a nice tight ass she could stare at while she's tossing her salad. Guess this is an ideal 1950s marriage at its finest.

Still, it doesn’t hurt Mom that he has a nice tight ass she could stare at while she’s tossing her salad. Guess this is an ideal 1950s marriage at its finest.

46. For comfort on your Thanksgiving, there’s Carter’s Trigs.

Most awkward father and son camping trip ever. Also, a blunderbuss, really? You know you have to load them every single time you fire it.

Most awkward father and son camping trip ever. Also, a blunderbuss, really? You know you have to load them every single time you fire it.

47. Shop at Gray’s Market for Thanksgiving with native turkeys.

"Wonder when he finds out it's poison. Now he's sure to croak any time now. Can't wait until the life insurance pays out."

“Wonder when he finds out it’s poison. Now he’s sure to croak any time now. Can’t wait until the life insurance pays out.”

48. Budweiser – the official beer for Thanksgiving.

Guess after Thanksgiving every adult will be afflicted with tryptophan and a hangover. Real American tradition.

Guess after Thanksgiving every adult will be afflicted with tryptophan and a hangover. Real American tradition.

49. Happy Thanksgiving by the General Telephone System and Paul Bunyan.

Hey, I didn't know Paul Bunyan was present during the first Thanksgiving. And why is he wearing denim jeans and a workingman's collar shirt form the 20th century?

Hey, I didn’t know Paul Bunyan was present during the first Thanksgiving. And why is he wearing denim jeans and a workingman’s collar shirt form the 20th century?

50. Look your best for Thanksgiving with these Arrow shirts.

And I'm not sure whether these guys are looking at the turkey or the old lady's ass. Dr. Freud might want to look into this.

And I’m not sure whether these guys are looking at the turkey or the old lady’s ass. Dr. Freud might want to look into this.

Fun with Taxidermy

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

DH102-A

While Halloween may be over, there’s still another aspect of fall which I haven’t yet covered. Sure all the scary stuff may come to an end, but since fall is the mating season for many woodland creatures, it’s also the season for dead critters. That’s right. Dead critters. Whether they’d be hit and run victims of country road traffic or casualties of hunting season, fall is basically the season of death for many of North Americans creatures who live on the verge between wilderness and civilization. This is especially true since two major dishes of the season are turkey dinners and venison. And it’s no wonder that deer hunting is such a major thing in my home state in Pennsylvania that the Monday after Thanksgiving is basically a state holiday. As someone who attended public school, I never went back the first day of hunting season since it was closed that day for this very reason. Still, in order to commemorate the North American wildlife season of sex and death, I shall compile a post on the art of mounting and stuffing dead animals for display known as taxidermy. Whether it was for preserving specimens for museums or hunting trophies, fooling onlookers, or creating whimsical scenes, it has always been with us. Sure those “Meat is Murder” people might find the practice barbaric while other see it as creepy, disgusting, or tacky. Yet, there’s just something very fascinating about stuffed animals in which the skin was from an actual animal. Still, without further adieu, here are some of the creative ways people tend to have fun with dead animals.

1. Allow me to tell you the tale of Aladdin squirrel and his magic lamp.

Now the most amazing thing about this piece is how the person managed to have Aladdin squirrel fly on a flying carpet that seems almost too small for him.

Now the most amazing thing about this piece is how the person managed to have Aladdin squirrel fly on a flying carpet that seems almost too small for him. Of course, a great song for the Disney version would be “Arabian Nuts.”

2.Some kind of scuffle seemed to erupt at the mice bar over some reason.

This is a piece of good old Victorian taxidermy by Walter Potter. Still, you have to admire how Old World mice tended to spend a lot of their social lives in taverns.

This is a piece of good old Victorian taxidermy by Walter Potter. Still, you have to admire how Old World mice tended to spend a lot of their social lives in taverns.

3. Just a typical mouse family spending quality time watching Tom and Jerry cartoons.

Normally us humans may see the Tom and Jerry cartoons as just a bunch of entertaining animated shorts. Yet, to mice, they're known to be gritty animated action dramas and Jerry is viewed as an action hero.

Normally us humans may see the Tom and Jerry cartoons as just a bunch of entertaining animated shorts. Yet, to mice, they’re known to be gritty animated action dramas and Jerry is viewed as an action hero.

4. Observe the mouse taxidermist at work on mounting a beetle.

If it wasn't for the formaldehyde, the bug, and obvious lack of plastic wrap on a mouse victim, I would've thought this was a taxidermy tribute to Dexter.

If it wasn’t for the formaldehyde, the bug, and obvious lack of plastic wrap on a mouse victim, I would’ve thought this was a taxidermy tribute to Dexter.

5. Nothing shows a squirrel from the streets than his gold chains and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Of course, this is perhaps the famous rapper sensation Nutt Daddy. He's known for rapping about the hard life he's had on the wrong side of the trees.

Of course, this is perhaps the famous rapper sensation Nutt Daddy. He’s known for rapping about the hard life he’s had growing up on the wrong side of the trees.

6. See these two mice having a picnic and sharing a hoagie.

Sure there may be some morbid connotation with using dead mice, but this is still pretty adorable. Still, shouldn't one of them have a knife to cut the hoagie? It would be much easier to eat it that way.

Sure there may be some morbid connotation with using dead mice, but this is still pretty adorable. Still, shouldn’t one of them have a knife to cut the hoagie? It would be much easier to eat it that way.

7. Looks like these two raccoons are engaged in a game of pool.

"So what are going to play, bub? Nine ball, eight ball, straight pool, one pocket, or bank poo?"

“So what are going to play, bub? Nine ball, eight ball, three ball, straight pool, one pocket, speed pool, or bank pool? Nevertheless, don’t be a hustler.”

8. Come and see the bluegrass sensation, the Soggy Bottom Squirrels.

Then again, I'm sure this bluegrass squirrel band doesn't consist of ex-convicts, unlike George Clooney and his friends in O Brother Where Art Thou?

Then again, I’m sure this bluegrass squirrel band doesn’t consist of ex-convicts, unlike George Clooney and his friends in O Brother Where Art Thou?

9. Looks like this deer is all primped and ready for her big day down the aisle.

Wait a minute, unless it's possibly a reindeer, then it's most noticeably a buck in drag. Then again, perhaps it's a tribute to the M*A*S*H episode in which Corporal Max Klinger marries his sweetheart on the airwaves.

Wait a minute, unless it’s possibly a reindeer, then it’s most noticeably a buck in drag. Then again, perhaps it’s a tribute to the M*A*S*H episode in which Corporal Max Klinger marries his sweetheart on the airwaves.

10. Looks like this squirrel is going hunting in his fancy new hat.

Now this is another Victorian taxidermy piece. Don't get me wrong, there are species of squirrels that are omnivores. Yet, the nut eating gray squirrel is the conventional stereotype.

Now this is another Victorian taxidermy piece. Don’t get me wrong, there are species of squirrels that are omnivores. Yet, the nut eating gray squirrel is the conventional stereotype.

11. Now here is a taxidermy piece of two squirrels getting nasty.

For animal mating scenes, I'm not as prudish because you see a lot of animal sex on nature programs, which are mostly considered appropriate programming for children. Of course, the main reason for this is that animals are more likely to be seen during the mating seasons.

For animal mating scenes, I’m not as prudish because you see a lot of animal sex on nature shows, which are usually considered G rated TV programming. Of course, the main reason for this is that animals are more likely to be seen during the mating seasons.

12. This fox really needs a fix before he shows symptoms of withdrawal.

Yeah, this fox really wants to get high from smoking the hookah right now. Note that hookah smoking isn't a safe alternative to cigarettes and can kill you.

Yeah, this fox really wants to get high from smoking the hookah right now. Note that hookah smoking isn’t a safe alternative to cigarettes and can kill you.

13. Say hello to this little green beret squirrel’s AK 47.

Now this must be the cutest little US Army Green Beret I've ever seen. Of course, you wouldn't want to touch his acorns.

Now this must be the cutest little US Army Green Beret I’ve ever seen. Of course, you wouldn’t want to touch his acorns.

14. Here’s a raccoon firefighter about to turn on the hydrant.

Either the raccoon's turning on the hydrant, taking a whizz, or possibly both. Still, it's probably both.

Either the raccoon’s turning on the hydrant, taking a whizz, or possibly both. Still, it’s probably both.

15. Oh, that backstabbing nut eating son of a bitch! This was supposed to be a duel!

Then again, dueling is kind of a stupid idea, especially to the death. Yet, we have a sport derived from it called fencing. Still, that gray squirrel is a bastard.

Then again, dueling is kind of a stupid idea, especially to the death. Yet, we have a sport derived from it called fencing. Still, that gray squirrel is a bastard.

16. All a rabbit needs are his carrot and his bottle of Corona.

This is probably a real life version of Bugs Bunny's alcoholic brother Bertram who never amounted to anything except siring a bunch of bunnies without paying child support. Nobody mentions him.

This is probably a real life version of Bugs Bunny’s alcoholic brother Bertram who never amounted to anything except siring a bunch of bunnies without paying child support. Nobody mentions him.

17. Lizzie Cornden took an ax, and gave her mother 40 whacks. Once she saw what she had done, she gave her father 41.

Yes, this is a taxidermy diorama of Lizzie Borden with her ax. Of course, the real Lizzie was acquitted for killing her dad and stepmom and it's not known whether she did. Still, if she did it, whack count was at 11 for her stepmom and 19 for her dad. Not only that, but if guilty, she probably killed them over a family dispute.

Yes, this is a taxidermy diorama of Lizzie Borden with her ax. Of course, the real Lizzie was acquitted for killing her dad and stepmom and it’s not known whether she did. Still, if she did it, whack count was at 11 for her stepmom and 19 for her dad. Not only that, but if guilty, she probably killed them over a family dispute.

18. Now here is a taxidermy piece of a miniature griffin.

Yes, there are specimens that fit in the category of rogue taxidermy. Now this griffin was created from a house cat and a bird of prey, but it's still rather realistic looking. Of course, in mythology, griffins are much bigger.

Yes, there are specimens that fit in the category of rogue taxidermy. Now this griffin was created from a house cat and a bird of prey, but it’s still rather realistic looking. Of course, in mythology, griffins are much bigger.

19. Seems like this squirrel has taken up bow hunting.

Now I think this is quite hilarious if you know what I mean. Still, I have a neighbor who actually does this as a hobby.

Now I think this is quite hilarious if you know what I mean. Still, I have a neighbor who actually does this as a hobby.

20. Ladies and gents, let’s give a warm welcome to Cowboy Corny McNutt and his bucking rattlesnake Jake.

Now I'm sure riding a rattlesnake is perfectly safe for a squirrel. Oh, yeah, I forgot snakes usually eat them if they should exist in the same environment. Then again, gray squirrels and snakes don't co-exist anyway.

Now I’m sure riding a rattlesnake is perfectly safe for a squirrel. Oh, yeah, I forgot snakes usually eat them if they should exist in the same environment. Then again, gray squirrels and snakes don’t co-exist anyway.

21. Here we come to view the annual guinea pig cricket match.

And yet another example in Victorian taxidermy. Of course, you could tell it's an English piece since it takes place on a cricket field. It's said that these matches tend to be an all day event with tea breaks. Yet, don't ask me how it's played because I think it's like baseball with paddles and rules being made up as they go along.

And yet another example in Victorian taxidermy. Of course, you could tell it’s an English piece since it takes place on a cricket field. It’s said that these matches tend to be an all day event with tea breaks. Yet, don’t ask me how it’s played because I think it’s like baseball with paddles and rules being made up as they go along.

22. And now ladies and gentlemen, scenes from a boxing match with Nutty McNuttchuck and Acorn T. Oakenshield.

This is a diorama of a squirrel boxing match. Notice the squirrels have no shirts on and aren't going bare knuckle. Still, I wish they'd sport handle bar mustaches for the old timey feel.

This is a diorama of a squirrel boxing match. Notice the squirrels have no shirts on and aren’t going bare knuckle. Still, I wish they’d sport handle bar mustaches for the old timey feel.

23. I give you the Fellowship of the Cheese that seeks to venture to Mount Doom to destroy the one cheese to rule them all.

Yes, this is a mouse diorama for Lord of the Rings. Let's just say everyone in this display save perhaps Gimli and Gandalf may not possibly be as cute as their movie counterparts.

Yes, this is a mouse diorama for Lord of the Rings. Let’s just say everyone in this display save perhaps Gimli and Gandalf may not possibly be as cute as their movie counterparts.

24. “Do you, Tom Muffins, take Kitty Catnipkins to be your lawfully wedded wife to have and to hold, for richer and poor, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health so long as you both shall live?”

Yes, this is a kitten wedding scene from the Victorian Era. Sure it may look rather cruel by our standards, but back in the day, it was very common to kill kittens to control population.

Yes, this is a kitten wedding scene from the Victorian Era. Sure it may look rather cruel by our standards, but back in the day, it was very common to kill kittens to control population.

25. On the night he was betrayed, Cheesus to the bread, gave it to his disciples, and said, “This is my body, which should be given unto you.”

Of course, I had to do a taxidermy take on the Last Supper since it's a very famous painting. Nevertheless, I can't really tell who's who here other than Jesus.

Of course, I had to do a taxidermy take on the Last Supper since it’s a very famous painting. Nevertheless, I can’t really tell who’s who here other than Jesus.

26. Here’s a squirrel lady posing with flowers in a pretty dress.

I suppose this might've been taken from a famous painting or not. Still, those flowers are simply not real by any means.

I suppose this might’ve been taken from a famous painting or not. Still, those flowers are simply not real by any means.

27. Here’s Cheese Carell on The Late Show with David Litterman.

Now this is a diorama for Steve Carell's appearance on David Letterman in which he presents this diorama. Still, I think the mice should've been the other way around since Letterman has lighter hair.

Now this is a diorama for Steve Carell’s appearance on David Letterman in which he presents this diorama. Still, I think the mice should’ve been the other way around since Letterman has lighter hair.

28. Didn’t know that there was ever a school for bunnies, was there?

I sure hope they teach sex education in rabbit school because when these bunnies grow up in a few months they'll be breeding all over the place, like rabbits. Of course, a lot of them would be eaten in the meantime.

I sure hope they teach sex education in rabbit school because when these bunnies grow up in a few months they’ll be breeding all over the place, like rabbits. Of course, a lot of them would be eaten in the meantime.

29. Greetings from the Coontz family.

There always has to be that one guy who has to ruin the photo. Guess it's the kid making the smart ass sign.

There always has to be that one guy who has to ruin the photo. Guess it’s the kid making the smart ass sign.

30. This gangsta pigeon has all the French fries on his turf.

Wait a minute, wasn't there an Animaniacs cartoon of three gangster pigeons which was a take off from Goodfellas? Still, I don't think that pigeon would want to eat French fries since they aren't really good for you.

Wait a minute, wasn’t there an Animaniacs cartoon of three gangster pigeons which was a take off from Goodfellas? Still, I don’t think that pigeon would want to eat French fries since they aren’t really good for you.

31. Either this squirrel is playing in a recording studio, bar, or nightclub.

"Sing us a song you're the piano squirrel, Sing us a song tonight. Well, we're all in the mood for a melody, And you've got us feeling alright." Harmonica music should ensue by this point.

“Sing us a song you’re the piano squirrel,
Sing us a song tonight.
Well, we’re all in the mood for a melody,
And you’ve got us feeling alright.” Harmonica music should ensue by this point.

32.Seems like critters tend to have a lot of fun while going on drinking sprees or fishing trips in the woods.

Still, you have to admit it's funny to have chipmunks wearing Robin Hood like hats. Still, they should be aware of any banjo playing rodents especially in the Appalachian Mountains. Nevertheless, chipmunks are technically squirrels. Same goes for woodchucks.

Still, you have to admit it’s funny to have chipmunks wearing Robin Hood like hats. Still, they should be aware of any banjo playing rodents especially in the Appalachian Mountains. Nevertheless, chipmunks are technically squirrels. Same goes for woodchucks and prairie dogs. They’re all in the same family, folks.

33. Now those two mallard ladies look pretty in their dresses.

Hey, wait a minute. Those are guys! Female Mallards are basically brown. Thus, such a scene makes it seem the avian equivalent to drag queens. This may not have been the taxidermist's original intent, but it sure looks that way from an avian standpoint.

Hey, wait a minute. Those are guys! Female Mallards are basically brown and shabby looking. Thus, such a scene makes it seem the avian equivalent to drag queens. This may not have been the taxidermist’s original intent, but it sure looks that way from an avian standpoint.

34. This black clad coyote bandit is among the meanest in the Old West and is quick on the draw. Watch him, I tell you.

Of course, the Cowboy Coyote's luck will run out once the Roadrunner shows up. After that, he'll be basically smashed, blown up, mangled, frozen, and injured in too many ways to count.

Of course, the Cowboy Coyote’s luck will run out once the Roadrunner shows up. After that, he’ll be basically smashed, blown up, mangled, frozen, and injured in too many ways to count.

35. This pigeon is watching you, following you, and taking pictures of you.

Before we had more advanced technology, the NSA used to send spy pigeons all around the country to monitor suspected terrorists. Of course, in practice, these pigeons didn't always live up to the government standard and sometimes spied on normal Americans instead.

Before we had more advanced technology, the NSA used to send spy pigeons all around the country to monitor suspected terrorists. Of course, in practice, these pigeons didn’t always live up to the government standard and sometimes spied on normal Americans instead.

36. Just two raccoons going on a canoe trip gently along the stream.

Hope they don't go up Shit Creek. And if they hear banjos playing, then they should just keep paddling unless they want to end up like Ned Beatty on Deliverance.

Hope they don’t go up Shit Creek. And if they hear banjos playing, then they should just keep paddling unless they want to end up like Ned Beatty on Deliverance.

37. Looks like Sergeant Squirrel is about to throw a grenade.

Let's hope he throws it quickly after he pulls the pin or he'll have his freaking hand blown off or perhaps the rest of him.

Let’s hope he throws it quickly after he pulls the pin or he’ll have his freaking hand blown off or perhaps the rest of him.

38. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the real Puss in Boots.

I don't know about you, but this Puss seems to be a lot more sinister looking than he does in the Shrek films. Still, it's fairly as close to a live action version as you're going to get.

I don’t know about you, but this Puss seems to be a lot more sinister looking than he does in the Shrek films. Still, it’s fairly as close to a live action version as you’re going to get.

39. There’s nothing in this world than seeing a squirrel on his ride.

Of course, he should wear a helmet in case he wrecks. Or else, he might cruise his way to an early death and have his organs donated to some other squirrel who's waiting for a kidney.

Of course, he should wear a helmet in case he wrecks. Or else, he might cruise his way to an early death and have his organs donated to some other squirrel who’s waiting for a kidney.

40. Now this must be some frog circus.

Of course, the frog ringmaster is perhaps doing a music routine of, "Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. Hello, my ragtime gal.....etc., etc."

Of course, the frog ringmaster is perhaps doing a music routine of, “Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. Hello, my ragtime gal…..etc., etc.”

41. Behold, the raccoon samurai.

I'm not sure if that's a raccoon but it totally looks like it. Still, I find it hard to have taxidermied raccoons as Asian figures. I mean they're only native to the Americas, not Asia.

I’m not sure if that’s a raccoon but it totally looks like it. Still, I find it hard to have taxidermied raccoons as Asian figures. I mean they’re only native to the Americas, not Asia. Also, katanas were most likely used by samurai as fashion accessories at best.

42. Man, this squirrel duel to the death sure can be brutal.

Yes, I think this may be another piece from the Victorian Era. Still, I hope the acorns were all worth it.

Yes, I think this may be another piece from the Victorian Era. Still, I hope the acorns were all worth it.

43. Now this is one well dressed vixen.

Wait a minute, is she wearing a mink stole? I thought so. Then again, minks are more or less related to weasels, skunks, badgers, otters, and wolverines. Foxes are canines.

Wait a minute, is she wearing a mink stole? I thought so. Then again, minks are more or less related to weasels, skunks, badgers, otters, and wolverines. Foxes are canines. Still, PETA is going to kill me.

44. Just a lonely lady groundhog gathering flowers near the well.

I'm not sure if this lady is waiting for her sweetheart, mourning, or about to eat the flowers once the butterfly flutters off her face. Still, these creatures are usually remembered as the ones who have their on holiday in February that inspired a Bill Murray film.

I’m not sure if this lady is waiting for her sweetheart, mourning, or about to eat the flowers once the butterfly flutters off her face. Still, these creatures are usually remembered as the ones who have their on holiday in February that inspired a Bill Murray film.

45. Looks like gophers had their own nostalgia about the 1950s.

Of course, though this may seem like a 1950s nostalgia scene, notice that the male gopher isn't wearing any pants or a helmet.

Of course, though this may seem like a 1950s nostalgia scene, notice that the male gopher isn’t wearing any pants or a helmet. Also, the motorcycle doesn’t look 1950s to me.

46. During the winter, it’s not uncommon for young groundhogs to spend snowy days after school building a snow man.

Of course, they ignore the fact that groundhogs are usually in their dens most of the early winter until perhaps late January or early February. And then they go back in.

Of course, they ignore the fact that groundhogs are usually in their dens most of the early winter until perhaps late January or early February. And then they go back in.

47. Here’s a native groundhog languishing at his teepee.

And it seems like this one is a Plains due to living in a teepee and sporting an elaborate headdress. Hey, what am I saying? Groundhogs are native to North America and they don't dress like that at all.

And it seems like this one is a Plains due to living in a teepee and sporting an elaborate headdress. Hey, what am I saying? Groundhogs are native to North America and they don’t dress like that at all. They also live in holes in the ground.

48. The Punxsutawney Trio performs at the Old Tyme Music Jamboree.

Of course, the one gopher's guitar seems like it was straight from Guitar Hero. Still, with a trumpet player, harmonica, and guitar, it's hard to tell what genre they're playing.

Of course, the one gopher’s guitar seems like it was straight from Guitar Hero. Still, with a trumpet player, harmonica, and guitar, it’s hard to tell what genre they’re playing.

49. Old Froggy Tadpollan enjoys a pipe and a pint at the Olde Frog Legs Inn.

Let's hope whatever he came on to this place doesn't get toad. Still, he's likely to stagger out of the place.

Let’s hope whatever he came on to this place doesn’t get toad. Still, he’s more likely to stagger out of the place than hop by the end of the night.

50. Ladies and gentlemen, Toad Rundgren.

Sorry, but I don't know who Todd Rundgren is or his music. Thus, I can't set any song of his to funny amphibious music lyrics. Ribbit, ribbit.

Sorry, but I don’t know who Todd Rundgren is or his music. Thus, I can’t set any song of his to funny amphibious music lyrics. Ribbit, ribbit.

51. This ray is just flaming hot right now. I mean seriously, flaming.

Now this is a true infernal Devil Ray. Yet, I'm not sure whether it's from Florida or Tampa Bay. Still, would make a better mascot for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays than the one they have now.

Now this is a true infernal Devil Ray. Yet, I’m not sure whether it’s from Florida or Tampa Bay. Still, would make a better mascot for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays than the one they have now.

52. Here’s a scene of Chip and Dale visiting a nudie show.

While Chip likes to look at the mini taxidermied pheasants, Dale wants to see a topless girlie show. You know this won't be resolved easily.

While Chip likes to look at the mini taxidermied pheasants, Dale wants to see a topless girlie show. You know this won’t be resolved easily.

53. Be vewy, vewy, quiet. Wabbits are hunting you.

Some rabbits deal with hunters through wisecracks and clever cartoon antics. But this rabbit seeks revenge for the hunter or pest control business that killed his family.

Some rabbits deal with hunters through wisecracks and clever cartoon antics. But this rabbit seeks revenge for the hunter or pest control business that killed his family.

54. Just a black bear doorman taking his smoking break.

Let's just say that being a doorman could sometimes be unbearable. Still, I don't think smoking is allowed in most buildings anymore.

Let’s just say that being a doorman could sometimes be unbearable. Still, I don’t think smoking is allowed in most buildings anymore.

55. This fox must be a real wino if you know what I mean.

Of course, he's the kind of fox who'd eat a rabbit's liver with a fine Chianti. Yet, I'm not sure if he'd have fava beans as a side.

Of course, he’s the kind of fox who’d eat a rabbit’s liver with a fine Chianti. Yet, I’m not sure if he’d have fava beans as a side.

56. And now, I’ll show you a genuine Florida Gator.

Now what I don't understand is that why this guy didn't devour that annoying Tim Tebow when he had the chance. I mean he could've gotten Tebow while he was praying on one knee.

Now what I don’t understand is that why this guy didn’t devour that annoying Tim Tebow when he had the chance. I mean he could’ve gotten Tebow while he was praying on one knee.

57. Now this squirrel is very well read and knowledgeable of current events.

Of course, this squirrel is reading about the acorn trade in today's Oak Street Journal. Nevertheless, let's home he's not a frequent watcher of Fox News which is staffed by actual foxes in his case.

Of course, this squirrel is reading about the acorn trade in today’s Oak Street Journal. Nevertheless, let’s home he’s not a frequent watcher of Fox News which is staffed by actual foxes in his case.

58. Raven priest will give you hear your sins.

Now this old bird is from the Victorian Era. Still, he's pretty sharp and well read in his scripture, isn't he. Of course, don't ask about his habit of saying, "Nevermore" at funerals.

Now this old bird is from the Victorian Era. Still, he’s pretty sharp and well read in his scripture, isn’t he. Of course, don’t ask about his habit of saying, “Nevermore” at funerals.

59. Looks like it’s bridge night for all the woodland creatures.

Now I'm sure they're playing for pennies. Yet, considering that the rabbit is playing against known carnivores, he may just as well be playing for his life.

Now I’m sure they’re playing for pennies. Yet, considering that the rabbit is playing against known carnivores, he may just as well be playing for his life.

60. Black Bart McNutt is one of the most acorn mad and trigger happy squirrels in the West.

No, I'm sure he'll soon bite off more acorns than he could chew. Still, predators should watch this black hat wearing gray squirrel.

No, I’m sure he’ll soon bite off more acorns than he could chew. Still, predators should watch this black hat wearing gray squirrel.

61. This beaver can certainly play a mean accordion.

Then again, he probably did a performance of a polka at the Lawrence Welt Show back in the day. I'm sure a lot of young beavers were forced to watch it.

Then again, he probably did a performance of a polka at the Lawrence Welt Show back in the day. I’m sure a lot of young beavers were forced to watch it.

62. Now this raccoon plays the court jester.

This raccoon seems a little sad. Guess things aren't going too well for jesters these days. Then again, this might be another Victorian piece.

This raccoon seems a little sad. Guess things aren’t going too well for jesters these days. Then again, this might be another Victorian piece.

63. Rana and Ardilla are all dressed up for their mariachi band.

I have to like the squirrel in his little sombrero and mustache. Still, I don't think I'd like to listen to a frog sing though, even if it is in Spanish.

I have to like the squirrel in his little sombrero and mustache. Still, I don’t think I’d like to listen to a frog sing though, even if it is in Spanish.

64. Of course, this squirrel would wish for a little privacy, please.

Yeah, he doesn't want anyone to know he's in the outhouse smoking, drinking, and looking at nudie pictures of other squirrels. He'd very much like it if you shut the door.

Yeah, he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s in the outhouse smoking, drinking, and looking at nudie pictures of other squirrels. He’d very much like it if you shut the door.

65. “Time to cook, Jesse Pinkmouse.”

Yes, these are Breaking Bad taxidermied mice. Yes, these are Walt and Jesse. And yes, we have to acknowledge that meth is a big problem in the mouse community as well.

Yes, these are Breaking Bad taxidermied mice. Yes, these are Walt and Jesse. And yes, we have to acknowledge that meth is a big problem in the mouse community as well.

66. “Time for your shot, Nutty.”

Does the squirrel need restrained because of its fear of needles? Or does this have something to do with some kinky BDSM? Maybe I don't want to know.

Does the squirrel need restrained because of its fear of needles? Or does this have something to do with some kinky BDSM? Maybe I don’t want to know.

67. This raccoon is getting ready for her night out.

"Hope I'm ready by the time Rocky comes over. I want to look my best before he takes me to dinner at the dumpster of that French Restaurant. Heard the food there is amazing."

“Hope I’m ready by the time Rocky comes over. I want to look my best before he takes me to dinner at the dumpster of that French Restaurant. Heard the food there is amazing.”

68. Looks like these squirrels are after some serious game.

You might want to watch out for squirrels in orange vests this fall. Seriously, watch out for them.

You might want to watch out for squirrels in orange vests this fall. Seriously, watch out for them. Nevertheless, this is too much.

69. Now this is a truly American eagle.

I'm sure most of its feathers are fake on this star spangled bird of prey. Still, you bet they'd breed one live if they could.

I’m sure most of its feathers are fake on this star spangled bird of prey. Still, you bet they’d breed one live if they could.

70. Birch Reynolds is posing for his legendary centerfold.

Now I think this version of the Burt Reynolds picture is better than the original. Seriously, Reynolds didn't seem to be that good looking to me. Still doesn't.

Now I think this version of the Burt Reynolds picture is better than the original. Seriously, Reynolds didn’t seem to be that good looking to me. Still doesn’t.

71. Now here’s a little bunny in a dress and bow.

Of course, this is the kind of stuffed animal you'd want to scare your kids with. Then again, it's derived from a Betrix Potter character.

Of course, this is the kind of stuffed animal you’d want to scare your kids with. Then again, it’s derived from a Beatrix Potter character.

72. This squirrel has been working on his family farm for generations.

Wait a minute. Aren't gray squirrels tree creatures? And aren't ground squirrels much bigger that you wouldn't consider them squirrels at all? Still, this is pretty amusing.

Wait a minute. Aren’t gray squirrels tree creatures? And aren’t ground squirrels much bigger that you wouldn’t consider them squirrels at all? Still, this is pretty amusing.

73. This old goat is a rather distinguished gentleman.

Of course, this is Dr. Billy Gruff, professor of organic chemistry at Nanny State University. He's a Baa Scholar and has written a lot about the nutritional value of tin cans.

Of course, this is Dr. Billy Gruff, professor of organic chemistry at Nanny State University. He’s a Baa Scholar and has written a lot about the nutritional value of tin cans.

74. I bring you the Voodoo squirrel witch doctor.

Let's just say that real life voodoo isn't as malicious as you see in the movies. Still, the mice sacrifice thing might be going a little overboard here.

Let’s just say that real life voodoo isn’t as malicious as you see in the movies. Still, the mice sacrifice thing might be going a little overboard here.

75. Now, kids, here’s an exhibit of a cougar taking a shit in its natural habitat.

Now I wonder if the taxidermist wanted to show movement but somehow ended putting the cougar in a shitting position instead. Still, it's pretty damn funny and will probably get a lot of museum visitors.

Now I wonder if the taxidermist wanted to show movement but somehow ended putting the cougar in a shitting position instead. Still, it’s pretty damn funny and will probably get a lot of museum visitors.

76. “The Northwoods Kangaroo Court is now in session with the Honorable Judge Wolf presiding over Northwoods vs. Bucky Badger.”

Now I guess Lynx is the prosecutor on this one and I guess the badger basically killed a couple of pheasants. Still, examining evidence is giving Judge Wolf quite the appetite.

Now I guess Lynx is the prosecutor on this one and I guess the badger basically killed a couple of pheasants. Still, examining evidence is giving Judge Wolf quite the appetite.

77. Either this is a cat queen or a taxidermy rendition of Grizabella’s performance in Cats.

"Memory all alone in the moonlight." Then again, Grizabella was much more haggard and mangy than this cat ever was.

“Memory all alone in the moonlight.” Then again, Grizabella was much more haggard and mangy than this cat ever was.

78. Now here’s an adorable diorama of a kitten tea party.

Of course, this is another Victorian taxidermy piece and involves kittens, which is disturbing. Still, this could just as easily be a cat take off of Downton Abbey.

Of course, this is another Victorian taxidermy piece and involves kittens, which is disturbing. Still, this could just as easily be a cat take off of Downton Abbey.

79. Look, kids, a genuine rocking horse.

Now this is another toy that might scare the bejesus out of little kids. This is especially true if they've been to a horse farm or live there.

Now this is another toy that might scare the bejesus out of little kids. This is especially true if they’ve been to a horse farm or live there.

80. This jackass has had too much to drink.

Then again, this piece can be a great artistic interpretation of how me and my fellow liberals and Democrats feel after the 2014 Midterms. I mean the donkey is a symbol of the Democratic Party, no?

Then again, this piece can be a great artistic interpretation of how me and my fellow liberals and Democrats feel after the 2014 Midterms. I mean the donkey is a symbol of the Democratic Party, no?

The Wonderful World of Architecture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Now last time, I compiled a list of ugly houses most people wouldn’t want to live in. This time, it’s on to architecture outside the residential area. Now in metropolitan area, we are exposed to a lot of buildings on any given day. Most of them are built to serve a function of one sort or another. Some of them are used for businesses and commercial institutions. Others for industry. There are even those that are used for functions related to religion, governmental, recreational, academic, and other functions. While most of these buildings are designed for some sort of purpose with some giving more creativity to the architect than others. Yet, we all want these buildings to look nice since the architecture reflects how many people see us as a whole. Not to mention, nicely designed buildings attract tourists who want to see them, which means money. I could go on and on about some of the loveliest buildings in the world from the ancient Asian pagodas and medieval Gothic cathedrals to Monticello, Mount Vernon, and Victorian style mansions and palaces. Yet, you’d probably be bored to tears over such details. Instead, I’ll focus on some of the buildings designed in such a way that would make people wonder their architects were on while drawing the blueprints. Of course, most of these will be modern architecture examples by the way. Still, before I go further let me go over what this post doesn’t include:

1. Buildings that are decrepit, messy, and abandoned as well as suffering from poor upkeep.

2. Buildings constructed in poor areas and bad neighborhoods.

3. Buildings either under construction or demolished.

4. Any building that’s boarded up and seems condemned.

5. Any building suffering damage from a disaster.

6. Any establishment that’s built for solely utilitarian purposes like industrial buildings or shopping centers. Most people don’t go to admire the architecture from these places. These were buildings that were constructed to be seen.

7. Buildings not yet constructed as far as I know.

Of course, many of these will be from urban areas and pertain to establishments that are civic, commercial, academic, religious, or recreational. There may be a few residential establishments as well but they’ll mostly be apartment buildings. So now without further adieu, here are some architectural eyesores for your viewing pleasure.

1. To kick things off, here’s a great building specimen from the Soviet era.

My mistake. That's actually Boston's City Hall, which was constructed in 1968. Still, it kind of has an essence of everything you'd see in an old Soviet building like utilitarianism and austerity. Not to mention, not being much to look at.

My mistake. That’s actually Boston’s City Hall, which was constructed in 1968. Still, it kind of has an essence of everything you’d see in an old Soviet building like utilitarianism and austerity. Not to mention, not being much to look at.

2. Man, this building seems to have a lot kids T-ping it on Halloween. I wonder how they get the stuff off.

Wait a minute, that's part of the actual building? Then, why does it look like the kind of place where Spiderman would practice slinging his webs for God's sake?

Wait a minute, that’s part of the actual building? Then, why does it look like the kind of place where Spiderman would practice slinging his webs for God’s sake?

3. Behold, the giant building monster of doom!

That's actually the Portland Building in Oregon. It was built in 1982 and won a prestigious honor in 1983. Still, a columnist for The Oregonian is reputed to say some years later, "the 'huge blue tiles, colored glass and odd pastel flourishes meant to evoke early modern French paintings' actually resembled 'something designed by a Third World dictator's mistress' art-student brother.'"

That’s actually the Portland Building in Oregon. It was built in 1982 and won a prestigious honor in 1983. Still, a columnist for The Oregonian is reputed to say some years later, “the ‘huge blue tiles, colored glass and odd pastel flourishes meant to evoke early modern French paintings’ actually resembled ‘something designed by a Third World dictator’s mistress’ art-student brother.'”

4. Now here’s a building shaped like a giant robot.

This is a building from Bangkok and yes, it does resemble a giant robot who wants to "kill the humans." Still, it would've been rather appropriate for a tech company in Silicon Valley or Japan.

This is a building from Bangkok and yes, it does resemble a giant robot who wants to “kill the humans.” Still, it would’ve been rather appropriate for a tech company in Silicon Valley or Japan. By the way, it’s actually a bank.

5. Now here is an exceptional example of architectural apartment design, as if appropriate for Dr. Seuss.

This is actually an apartment building in Seattle, Washington. And while the balconies seem to be a little askew, the right most column seems like it's being consumed by a sea monster.

This is actually an apartment building in Seattle, Washington. And while the balconies seem to be a little askew, the right most column seems like it’s being consumed by a sea monster.

6. Now is this some large power plant or Darth Vader’s planetary palace?

Actually, this place is known as "The Beehive" which houses New Zealand's Parliament. But still, it pretty much looks like some evil overlord's palace from a science fiction film.

Actually, this place is known as “The Beehive” which houses New Zealand’s Parliament. But still, it pretty much looks like some evil overlord’s palace from a science fiction film. Still, it’s said that New Zealand is a very nice place to live and a rather progressive one, too. I mean it was the first country in the world to give women the right to vote in 1893.

7. Now for those wanting to travel a country with an actual evil overlord, you might want to stay in this building as an emblem of his delusion of grandeur.

This is the Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang, North Korea. It's actually not quite finished from the inside as far as I know the exterior certainly is. And the fact that North Korea is trying to promote tourism may make this building soon open for business. Still, it's nicknamed, "the Hotel of Doom," and I'm not sure how such a nation with a very hostile to foreigners would want to encourage people to vacation there.

This is the Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang, North Korea. It’s actually not quite finished from the inside as far as I know the exterior certainly is. And the fact that North Korea is trying to promote tourism may make this building soon open for business. Still, it’s nicknamed, “the Hotel of Doom,” and I’m not sure how such a nation with a very hostile to foreigners would want to encourage people to vacation there.

8. Now here’s a very interesting spaceship or deep sea monster of some sort. Seems like it’s made out of toothpicks.

It's called the "Palacio de Congresos" and it's in Spain. I have no idea what it's supposed to be or what the architect's intent was. Nevertheless, it's pretty hideous looking as if it's some large beast from outer space.

It’s called the “Palacio de Congresos” and it’s in Spain. I have no idea what it’s supposed to be or what the architect’s intent was. Nevertheless, it’s pretty hideous looking as if it’s some large beast from outer space.

9. Large skyscraper man is watching you.

This is the Russian Embassy of Havanna. Yet, it kind of looks like some giant warrior frozen in a mixture of glass, steel, and concrete over some sort of curse. But it's still pretty intimidating.

This is the Russian Embassy of Havanna. Yet, it kind of looks like some giant warrior from a 1980s cartoon frozen in a mixture of glass, steel, and concrete over some sort of curse. But it’s still pretty intimidating.

10. I give you, the abstract castle.

Let's just say if today's architects were living in the Middle Ages, most medieval castles would look like this. Still, I think medieval lords would've executed them before such edifices would get off the ground.

Let’s just say if today’s architects were living in the Middle Ages, most medieval castles would look like this. Still, I think medieval lords would’ve executed them before such edifices would get off the ground. By the way, this building is from the Middle East.

11. What better way to top off your skyscraper than with a giant golf ball?

This is Etisalat 1 in Dubai, UAE and serves as headquarters for a telecommunications company. Now aside from being a tee to a giant golf ball, I also liken this to a fancy type of ball deodorant.

This is Etisalat 1 in Dubai, UAE and serves as headquarters for a telecommunications company. Now aside from being a tee to a giant golf ball, I also liken this to a fancy type of ball deodorant.

12. Wavy foundation, crumbled upper floors on top.

This is the IAC headquarters building in New York City. It's designed by Frank Gehry, which is why it looks like as if someone took a piece of striped paper, folded it into a paper accordion, and tore it in two before putting one on top of the other.

This is the IAC headquarters building in New York City. It’s designed by Frank Gehry, which is why it looks like as if someone took a piece of striped paper, folded it into a paper accordion, and tore it in two before putting one on top of the other. You’ll be seeing a few Gehry specimens in this post.

13. Finally, we have a nice Buddhist Temple in China.

This is the Famen Temple complex area in China's Shaanxi province. Reminds me of that Oral Roberts' University sculpture with the hands praying. Yet, geometric in gold with an Asian temple between them. The real Famen Temple is actually nice want you get through this eye shore. And you'll have to deal with a crowd, being in China and all.

This is the Famen Temple complex area in China’s Shaanxi province. Reminds me of that Oral Roberts’ University sculpture with the hands praying. Yet, geometric in gold with an Asian temple between them. The real Famen Temple is actually nice once you get through this eyesore. And you’ll have to deal with a crowd, being in China and all.

14. And now, here’s a picture of a giant stone vacuum.

Wait a minute, this is a French church for God's sake? It's called the Church Saint Peter in Firminy, France. It was designed by Le Corbuiser. Still, it just seems like this building is better suited for some other planet.

Wait a minute, this is a French church for God’s sake? It’s called the Church Saint Peter in Firminy, France. It was designed by Le Corbuiser. Still, it just seems like this building is better suited for some other planet.

15. Now what can be better than having a giant robot on your building?

I think this building is for a technical college in Japan. Still, while the figurehead looks a mix between Speed Racer and Robocop, it's fairly fitting actually. And we're well aware that Japan has a reputation with creating robots to do more things than anyone ever thought of.

I think this building is for a technical college in Japan. Still, while the figurehead looks a mix between Optimus Prime, Speed Racer, and Robocop, it’s fairly fitting actually. And we’re well aware that Japan has a reputation with creating robots to do more things than anyone ever thought of.

16. Seems like this building has been through a disaster.

This is the Ray and Maria Stata Center at MIT, which is another design by Frank Gehry. Let's just it just looks as though a hurricane blew through it. Thankfully, it's not used as MIT's school for architecture.

This is the Ray and Maria Stata Center at MIT, which is another design by Frank Gehry. Let’s just say it looks as though a hurricane blew through it. Thankfully, it’s not used as MIT’s school for architecture.

17. With the dark brown facade and multitude of chimneys, I swear this is a new factory in the wrong zone.

Actually it's the Portcullis House in London, which was built to provide offices for members in the UK Parliament. Yet, it seems to resemble some hideous Victorian mansion and factory complex from a Charles Dickens novel.

Actually it’s the Portcullis House in London, which was built to provide offices for members in the UK Parliament. Yet, it seems to resemble some hideous Victorian mansion and factory complex from a Charles Dickens novel. Also, the color is terrible.

18. For those who don’t remember, this is where James Bond works, not his enemies. Yet, some of you may not be able to tell.

It's the SIS building in London also known as the MI6 building from the James Bond movies. I know it's what you'd get if you design a military industrial complex like a 1980s wedding cake. Still, you get to see it blown up a lot in James Bond movies like Skyfall, for instance.

It’s the SIS building in London also known as the MI6 building from the James Bond movies. I know it’s what you’d get if you design a military industrial complex like a 1980s wedding cake. Still, you get to see it blown up a lot in James Bond movies like Skyfall, for instance.

19. Now this Pixel Building is very trippy, man.

This is the Pixel building in Melbourne, Australia. It's supposed to be in an experimental style of green architecture, which is why it looks like it was designed by someone on brown acid. Nevertheless, its glass pieces can change color as well as be used for several designs.

This is the Pixel building in Melbourne, Australia. It’s supposed to be in an experimental style of green architecture, which is why it looks like it was designed by someone on brown acid. Nevertheless, its glass pieces can change color as well as be used for several designs.

20. Now here is a building that would be great for a super sci-fi villain’s lair.

Now this is the Geisel Library in San Diego, built in honor of Theodore Geisel a. k. a. "Dr. Seuss." This style is more reminiscent of something you'd see from Star Wars or Close Encounters with the Third Kind. Would've been better if its chief benefactor designed this building himself.

Now this is the Geisel Library in San Diego, built in honor of Theodore Geisel a. k. a. “Dr. Seuss.” This style is more reminiscent of something you’d see from Star Wars or Close Encounters with the Third Kind. Would’ve been better if its chief benefactor designed this building himself.

21. This Saint Nicholas Catholic Church in Valais, Switzerland is the embodiment for the Swiss principles of clockwork and austerity.

If it wasn't for the stone cross, I would've mistaken this place for some surrealist Soviet prison. I mean it seems more suited as a Swiss Calvinist church than a Swiss Catholic church. Also, it's dedicated to Saint Nicholas who wasn't known for his austerity at all.

If it wasn’t for the stone cross, I would’ve mistaken this place for some surrealist Soviet prison. I mean it seems more suited as a Swiss Calvinist church than a Swiss Catholic church. Also, it’s dedicated to Saint Nicholas who wasn’t known for his austerity at all.

22. Now here’s one of the world’s biggest picnic baskets.

Fittingly, this building is a headquarters for a the Longaberger Basket Company in Ohio. Though appropriate and not very ugly, I don't know if any of Longaberger's employees would be comfortable telling their friends that they work in a basket. Boy, they must be real basket cases there.

Fittingly, this building is a headquarters for a the Longaberger Basket Company in Ohio. Though appropriate and not very ugly, I don’t know if any of Longaberger’s employees would be comfortable telling their friends that they work in a basket. Boy, they must be real basket cases there.

23. Let the Trump Tower be a testament that Donald Trump has about as good taste in architecture as he does in hairstyles.

Well, Donald Trump's hair is a literal rat infestation, this 5th Avenue tower is just a tribute to the Donald's obnoxious spoiled rich kid vanity. Also, his propensity to nostalgize himself as part of the 1980s.

Well, Donald Trump’s hair is a literal rat infestation, this 5th Avenue tower is just a tribute to the Donald’s obnoxious spoiled rich kid vanity. This place just looks like something you see from a cutting board.

24. Only in Barcelona, would anyone think a tower that resembles some light up sex toy you’d get at Spencer’s gift shop was a good idea.

Now Torre Agbar has become a symbol for Barcelona and has a lot light configurations at night. Still, let the people of Barcelona remember: if a giant came down from the beanstalk after some kid sold the family cow for some magic means, don't be surprised if he uses Torre Agbar as a dildo.

Now Torre Agbar has become a symbol for Barcelona and has a lot light configurations at night. Still, let the people of Barcelona remember: if a giant came down from the beanstalk after some kid sold the family cow for some magic means, don’t be surprised if he uses Torre Agbar as a dildo.

25. There’s nothing like a great building for a skyline than one that resembles something you’d more likely see on a hood ornament or hub cap.

This is the Aldar Headquarters Building of Abu Dhabi, UAE. It's supposed to be the world's first circular skyscraper. Still, it may cause migraines while looking at it on a warm sunny day and resembles a fly's eye.

This is the Aldar Headquarters Building of Abu Dhabi, UAE. It’s supposed to be the world’s first circular skyscraper. Still, it may cause migraines while looking at it on a warm sunny day and resembles a fly’s eye.

26. Come to Signapore and stay at the Marina Bay Sands Hotel to see the loveliest view.

Unfortunately, Signapore's Marina Bay Sands Hotel resembles a giant surfboard or an upturned subway on very thick metallic stilts.

Unfortunately, Signapore’s Marina Bay Sands Hotel resembles a giant surfboard or an upturned subway on very thick metallic stilts.

27. While Barcelona’s Agbar Tower resembles a giant light up dildo, London’s Gherkin Building looks like a fancy fabrege dildo for pleasuring Britain’s upper noble classes.

Now London does have some nice buildings. Yet, I don't get why they had to construct a building that resembles a large giant sex toy from Tiffany's? Surprised why this wasn't a subject of a Monty Python sketch.

Now London does have some nice buildings. Yet, I don’t get why they had to construct a building that resembles a large giant sex toy from Tiffany’s? Surprised why this wasn’t a subject of a Monty Python sketch.

28. Now here’s a building that resembles a large gemstone on a bulky launch pad.

This is Belarus's National Library in Minsk. Of course, it's said to have LED lights and sparkle in the night. Still, love it or hate it, it gives Minsk and Belarus the thing that all countries crave: tourists.

This is Belarus’s National Library in Minsk. Of course, it’s said to have LED lights and sparkle in the night. Still, love it or hate it, it gives Minsk and Belarus the thing that all countries crave: tourists.

29. Only in China can they erect a tower for their newspaper that resembles a giant phallus.

The Phallic symbolism of China's People's Daily tower represents how the China's authoritarian structure likes to stick it up the people's asses in regards to the freedom of expression. Yes, the Chinese people are certainly screwed on that.

The phallic symbolism of China’s People’s Daily tower represents how the China’s authoritarian structure likes to stick it up the people’s asses in regards to the freedom of expression. Yes, the Chinese people are certainly screwed on that.

30. Never has a building stood so grand as one that reminds one of a trash pile from day care center.

This is the Biomuseo in Panama City, Panama as well as another of Frank Gehry's disasterpieces. I'm surprised there aren't any flecks of glitter on it as there would be in any kiddie craft project.

This is the Biomuseo in Panama City, Panama as well as another of Frank Gehry’s disasterpieces. I’m surprised there aren’t any flecks of glitter on it as there would be in any kiddie craft project.

31. In Central China Television, it’s a combination of power in beauty. In Beijing, it’s called, “squatting man.”

This Beijing's CCTV building which is perhaps one of the few big TV stations in now not-so-Communist China. Other than being known as, "big shorts" it's also said to have high maintenance costs as well as caught fire in 2009. Thus, it's safety is a concern as well.

This Beijing’s CCTV building which is perhaps one of the few big TV stations in now not-so-Communist China. Other than being known as, “big shorts” it’s also said to have high maintenance costs as well as caught fire in 2009. Thus, it’s safety is a concern as well.

32. Now here’s a great architectural design for a space station, Darth Vader’s vacation home, or Batman’s headquarters if he decides to reveal his secret identity as Bruce Wayne.

This is the Metropolitan Cathedral of Christ the King in Liverpool. Yet, while the interior is pretty spectacular, its exterior doesn't inspire thoughts of heaven and salvation. It's also called, "The Sacred Blender." Still, if there are any space aliens who wish to join the Catholic Church, then this would be a perfect place for them to worship.

This is the Metropolitan Cathedral of Christ the King in Liverpool. Yet, while the interior is pretty spectacular, its exterior doesn’t inspire thoughts of heaven and salvation. It’s also called, “The Sacred Blender.” Still, if there are any space aliens who wish to join the Catholic Church, then this would be a perfect place for them to worship.

33. Now let’s see here. I guess this is a combination of some glass office building and a large white spire with inspiration from Rivendell and Isengard.

This was Joel Osteen's Chrystal Cathedral which is a few miles from Disneyland in Los Angeles. It's now Christ Cathedral and part of the Catholic diocese of Orange County after the place went bankrupt. Still, I'm surprised that the high tower doesn't seem to contain the eye of Sauron.

This was the Crystal Cathedral megachurch which is a few miles from Disneyland in Los Angeles. It’s now Cathedral of Christ and part of the Catholic diocese of Orange County after the place went bankrupt. Still, I’m surprised that the high tower doesn’t seem to contain the eye of Sauron.

34. Here we come to the Rivas-Vaciamadrid Church of the Living Turd.

Actually, it's called the Parish of Saint Monica. Still, I think it's kind of disgrace and a waste of wood to dedicate this holy piece of shit to Saint Augustine's alcoholic mother. Let's just say, a church like this would drive anyone to drink.

Actually, it’s called the Parish of Saint Monica. Still, I think it’s kind of disgrace and a waste of wood to dedicate this holy piece of shit to Saint Augustine’s alcoholic mother. Let’s just say, a church like this would drive anyone to drink since it’s as ugly as sin.

35. Speaking of cathedrals, this one seems like a mix of the Beehive, the Chrystal Cathedral, and some kind of receptor for the two dildo buildings.

No disrespect to the Catholic Diocese of Oakland, but I have to confess that your Cathedral of Christ the Light is a rather terrible attempt to honor God and His mercy. Seriously, the Catholics of Oakland deserve better for their community than this sci-fi catastrophe in architecture.

No disrespect to the Catholic Diocese of Oakland, but I have to confess that your Cathedral of Christ the Light is a rather terrible attempt to honor God and His mercy. Seriously, the Catholics of Oakland deserve better for their community than this sci-fi catastrophe in architecture.

36. They call it the Elephant Building. Well, it kind of looks like one from an 1980s Atari video game.

This is the Elephant Building from Bangkok, Thailand. Let's just say it was built to resemble an elephant, but made it to practically every list of ugly buildings ever assembled. It would be tough to leave this one out.

This is the Elephant Building from Bangkok, Thailand. Let’s just say it was built to resemble an elephant, but made it to practically every list of ugly buildings ever assembled. It would be tough to leave this one out.

37. The Fang Yuan Building was based on the shape of old China coins. I’m not sure if the Chinese people bought it.

Whether a giant microchip, subway token, power generator, or whatever the hell it is, this building seems to be China's burgeoning capitalism, innovation, and a bad taste for architecture.

Whether a giant microchip, subway token, power generator, or whatever the hell it is, this building seems to be China’s burgeoning capitalism, innovation, and a bad taste for architecture.

38. Now this building seems to combine the boring federal bureaucracy with the shape of some kind of little know 1960s camcorder.

This is the Federal Building in San Francisco. Not one of the more attractive examples of Frisco architecture. Another failed example of eco-architecture.

This is the Federal Building in San Francisco. Not one of the more attractive examples of Frisco architecture. Another failed example of eco-architecture.

39. Let’s just say that Malaysia’s First World Hotel has a colorful reputation.

Let's just say that whoever was responsible for the hotel's paint job must've been totally tripping balls on some strong hallucinogenic acid or something. Perhaps its architect was on LSD at the time.

Let’s just say that whoever was responsible for the hotel’s paint job must’ve been totally tripping balls on some strong hallucinogenic acid or something. Perhaps its architect was on LSD at the time.

40. Now the Guangxi Science and Technology Museum must’ve been architecturally inspired by EPCOT surrounded by an oyster shell. Didn’t really turn out right, did it?

Then again, this might illustrate the earth over a cosmic plane or in orbit. Either way, doesn't really account much for taste. Also seems like an ideal lair for a sci-fi villain.

Then again, this might illustrate the earth over a cosmic plane or in orbit. Either way, doesn’t really account much for taste. Also seems like an ideal lair for a sci-fi villain.

41. Hello, and welcome to a victory village in the Panem capital.

Wait a minute, this is the Henan Art Center and Theater in China. Still, it loos as if there's a bunch of giant brown and gold modules. Nevertheless, I think I owe the nation of Panem an apology.

Wait a minute, this is the Henan Art Center and Theater in China. Still, it looks as if there’s a bunch of giant brown and gold modules. Nevertheless, I think I owe the nation of Panem an apology.

42. I guess the architectural inspiration for this building was Kanye West’s tennis shoes.

This is the building for the Amsterdam Marathon. Of course, the shoe design is quite appropriate, though it could sometimes be seen as an ice skate.

This is the building for the Amsterdam Marathon. Of course, the shoe design is quite appropriate, though it could sometimes be seen as an ice skate.

43. Now I’m sure this Art Deco roof isn’t going to frighten anyone. I hope.

Now this is Chicago's Harold Washington Library. Architecturally speaking, the roof seems to be the combination of The Great Gatsby meets Phantom of the Opera.

Now this is Chicago’s Harold Washington Library. Architecturally speaking, the roof seems to be the combination of The Great Gatsby meets Phantom of the Opera.

44. Now this must be architecture inspired by a square platter of graham crackers.

This is Britain's Drake Circus Shopping Mall, which isn't one of the UK's best loved buildings. Nevertheless, it was said to be the recipient for the National Loo Awards, with wiping the floor of the competition for Attendant of the Year.

This is Britain’s Drake Circus Shopping Mall, which isn’t one of the UK’s best loved buildings. Nevertheless, it was said to be the recipient for the National Loo Awards, with wiping the floor of the competition for Attendant of the Year.

45. When it comes to erecting buildings, Kosovo thinks adding some white domes to an old Communist Era structure would do much nicely.

This is Kosovo's National Library. Yet, I think the architecture seems to better resemble a maximum security prison complex from a Star Wars or Star Trek film.

This is Kosovo’s National Library. Yet, I think the architecture seems to better resemble a maximum security prison complex from a Star Wars or Star Trek film.

46. Looks like this giant robot was buried up to its neck.

Oh, wait. That's Argentina's National Library in Buenos Aires. Still, doesn't prevent the building from looking like a giant disembodied robot's head. You'd think a country who brought you Evita, Che Guevara, and Pope Francis would have better architectural taste.

Oh, wait. That’s Argentina’s National Library in Buenos Aires. Still, doesn’t prevent the building from looking like a giant disembodied robot’s head. You’d think a country who brought you Evita, Che Guevara, and Pope Francis would have better architectural taste.

47. Now this is an interesting industrial complex here. Wonder what their products are.

My mistake. That's the Lloyd's Building, headquarters of Lloyd's of London. Still, despite being a well known high end insurance company known to issue a policy on Betty Grable's legs, why they made it look like a large factory from Fritz Lang's Metropolis is beyond me.

My mistake. That’s the Lloyd’s Building, headquarters of Lloyd’s of London. Still, despite being a well known high end insurance company known to issue a policy on Betty Grable’s legs, why they made it look like a large factory from Fritz Lang’s Metropolis is beyond me.

48. The Grand Lisboa Hotel and Casino seems to give Las Vegas stiff competition when it comes to being resort tackiness.

Now Macau's Grand Lisboa seems to remind me of some high end perfume bottle a rich lady would be embarrassed to have. Oh, and did I say, it has a lot of lighting configurations at night. Still, this gives Las Vegas a run for its money.

Now Macau’s Grand Lisboa seems to remind me of some high end perfume bottle a rich lady would be embarrassed to have. Oh, and did I say, it has a lot of lighting configurations at night. Still, this gives Las Vegas a run for its money.

49. From Richmond, Virginia we have the Markel Building which seems to resemble a spaceship with the appearance of a baked potato wrapped in aluminum foil.

Yes, it looks like either a space age stadium or some massive UFO. Ironically, it was said to be inspired by a baked potato. Still, I wonder if my sister at VCU has seen this monstrosity.

Yes, it looks like either a space age stadium or some massive UFO. Ironically, it was said to be inspired by a baked potato. Still, I wonder if my sister at VCU has seen this monstrosity.

50. This building tends to remind me of some kind of giant ornate pineapple from Tiffany’s.

This is the Nanchang "Crown" Building in China. This is supposed to be a luxury hotel. Still, I don't get why it has to look like some large Faberge pineapple. This design would've been more appropriate for the Dole Corporate headquarters.

This is the Nanchang “Crown” Building in China. This is supposed to be a luxury hotel. Still, I don’t get why it has to look like some large Faberge pineapple. This design would’ve been more appropriate for the Dole Corporate headquarters.

51. Now this feat in modern architecture seems to combine the mundane office building with some touches from a Star Trek film in one.

This is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum in Cleavland. Yeah, those circular things on the pole are supposed to be records. Even its architect I. M. Pei was unhappy with this design. Then again, you can't say much for the looks of those who get inducted in it either.

This is the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum in Cleavland. Yeah, those circular things on the pole are supposed to be records. Even its architect I. M. Pei was unhappy with this design. Then again, you can’t say much for the looks of those who get inducted in it either.

52. I have no idea why a festive city like Rio de Janeiro, Brazil would erect such a large nuclear power facility in such a public setting.

Oh, shit. It's Rio's Sao Sebastiao Cathedral, named after the Catholic Diocese's patron saint. It's said to be inspired by Pre-Columbian architecture. Guess the effect didn't turn out right as the architect thought. Still, it's said to light up at night and have an amazing interior.

Oh, shit. It’s Rio’s Sao Sebastiao Cathedral, named after the Catholic diocese’s patron saint. It’s said to be inspired by Pre-Columbian architecture. Guess the effect didn’t turn out right as the architect thought. Still, it’s said to light up at night and have an amazing interior.

53. Now this building looks as though it’s hit an iceberg or had an iceberg hit it.

This is the Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto, Canada. It's combined architecture of the old museum with the new Crystal Building that resembles a giant iceberg. Still, at least the old part didn't look like the Titanic or there would've been unfortunate implications.

This is the Royal Ontario Museum in Toronto, Canada. It’s combined architecture of the old museum with the new Crystal Building that resembles a giant iceberg. Still, at least the old part didn’t look like the Titanic or there would’ve been unfortunate implications.

54. Of course, this is very appropriate architecture for the National Rifle Association in Fairfax, Virginia.

On second thought, you might not want to bring your guns to this building. In fact, it's not the NRA headquarters in Fairfax, VA but the Scottish Parliament building in Edinburgh. Yes, it's incredibly atrocious. Still, what do you mean those gun things aren't guns?

On second thought, you might not want to bring your guns to this building. In fact, it’s not the NRA headquarters in Fairfax, VA but the Scottish Parliament building in Edinburgh. Yes, it’s incredibly atrocious. Still, I can’t help thinking that this would be what Wayne La Pierre would design his next house like.

55. Now this building seems to be either some sci-fi villain’s lair or the headquarters of Monster’s Inc.

It's actually Birmingham, England's Selfridge's Department Store. Still, I can't help but think that this edifice was built by creatures by another world because it sure looks like it. Let's just say it's more likely that aliens designed this building than any other archaeological site ever featured on Ancient Aliens.

It’s actually Birmingham, England’s Selfridge’s Department Store. Still, I can’t help but think that this edifice was built by creatures by another world because it sure looks like it. Let’s just say it’s more likely that aliens designed this building than any other archaeological site ever featured on Ancient Aliens.

56. Not to be outdone by LA’s Chrystal Cathedral, London built it’s own version of Isengard.

This building is called "Shard of Glass" and it's said to be the tallest building in Europe. Still, we all know that this is a monument to honor J. R. R. Tolkein and his literary work in adult fantasy. Yet, the Brits just don't want to admit it.

This building is called “Shard of Glass” and it’s said to be the tallest building in Europe. Still, we all know that this is a monument to honor J. R. R. Tolkein and his literary work in adult fantasy. Yet, the Brits just don’t want to admit it.

57. While Macau has a little piece of Las Vegas in its Lisboa Hotel and Casino, Shenzen has it in its Great China International Exchange Square Hotel.

I'm beginning to wonder if any of China's hotel architects base their hotel designs on what they saw on their last trip to Vegas. I mean this seems to be the second Vegas inspired Chinese building in this post.

I’m beginning to wonder if any of China’s hotel architects base their hotel designs on what they saw on their last trip to Vegas. I mean this seems to be the second Vegas inspired Chinese building in this post.

58. Seattle’s EMP Museum’s architecture was inspired by what Frank Gehry saw for a few seconds of his open heart surgery. That, or he was on drugs.

Now this would be a great place to exhibit Jimi Hendrix and sci-fi memorabilia. Still, one guy said that Gehry's inspiration for this was a smashed guitar and he may be right.

Now this would be a great place to exhibit Jimi Hendrix, pop culture and sci-fi memorabilia. Still, one guy said that Gehry’s inspiration for this was a smashed guitar and he may be right. Also, was called a, “blob,” “the Hemorrhoids,” and was described by someone at the New York Times as,  “something that crawled out of the sea, rolled over, and died.”

59. Welcome to what many people liken as a building more suited for a 1990s TV movie for the Syfy Channel.

This is the building for the Oakely Headquarters in Orange County, California. It's a company that made sunglasses that haven't been cool since the 1990s. Designed as a Star Wars-esque monument to the machine age to honor invention, its style has never really caught on for some reason.

This is the building for the Oakely Headquarters in Orange County, California. It’s a company that made sunglasses that haven’t been cool since the 1990s. Designed as a Star Wars-esque monument to the machine age to honor invention, its style has never really caught on for some reason.

60. Now Denver’s public library has the uniqueness of what you’d see in a Dr. Seuss story as well as the dreary color you’d see from some 1930s German horror movie.

Let's just say, while the architecture may be a bit funky, the color seems to be what you'd put on a standard business building. Still, I think it reminds me of the old German expressionist films during the silent era for some reason.

Let’s just say, while the architecture may be a bit funky, the color seems to be what you’d put on a standard business building. Still, I think it reminds me of the old German expressionist films during the silent era for some reason.

61. Welcome to Saudi Arabia, home to oil, Islamic Fundamentalism, terrorists, Saudi Royal Family, oppression of women, and this giant fancy bottle opener.

This is Riyadh's Al-Mamlakah Tower and Kingdom Centre. It's the most famous building from the city as well as hotel and shopping mall. Also, lights up at night.

This is Riyadh’s Al-Mamlakah Tower and Kingdom Centre. It’s the most famous building from the city as well as hotel and shopping mall. Also, lights up at night.

62. I now give you the summer residence of Darth Sidious.

Actually that's the Robarts Library for humanities and social sciences at Canada's University of Toronto. Still, it's a more fitting design for a Cold War era propaganda machine or the Ministry of Truth from 1984.

Actually that’s the Robarts Library for humanities and social sciences at Canada’s University of Toronto. Still, it’s a more fitting design for a Cold War era propaganda machine or the Ministry of Truth from 1984.

63. Now that’s a very imposing air traffic control tower there.

It's the Obelisk building in Peru. Of course, this is the kind of architecture that appears when you put the large tower of Isengard in some kind of cyber punk science fiction film like Bladerunner.

It’s the Obelisk building in Peru. Of course, this is the kind of architecture that appears when you put the large tower of Isengard in some kind of cyber punk science fiction film like Bladerunner.

64. Now this looks like a combination between an amusement park ride and an air traffic control tower with a giant ribbon coming out of it.

I don't know where this building's from. Yet, wherever it is, it's not an amusement park ride or air traffic control tower. Still, this wouldn't make my dad any more eager to get on it though.

I don’t know where this building’s from. Yet, wherever it is, it’s not an amusement park ride or air traffic control tower. Still, this wouldn’t make my dad any more eager to get on it though.

65. Now this is the Nantong Sword Building which resembles more like a laser pointer than an actual sword.

Let's just say that if this Chinese building would be shaped like an actual sword or possibly a lightsaber, it would've been way cooler. But alas, it resembles something that your cat would chase.

Let’s just say that if this Chinese building would be shaped like an actual sword or possibly a lightsaber, it would’ve been way cooler. But alas, it resembles something that your cat would chase.

66. This is either some shiny blob from another world or some alien spaceship.

This is a new landmark from South Korea in Seoul. Look, I understand that they're trying to show off their wealth in North Korea's face. Yet, I don't why anyone would erect such a monstrosity.

This is a new landmark from South Korea in Seoul. Look, I understand that they’re trying to show off their wealth in North Korea’s face. Yet, I don’t why anyone would erect such a monstrosity. Maybe they should’ve erected one of a giant Hyundai since they’re what South Korea is being known for.

67. Now I give you, the large evil crown of Roboqueen.

I know you wouldn't believe this but it's actually an Orthodox church in Moldova. Still, when it comes to ugliness, I knew that the Soviets wouldn't let me down.

I know you wouldn’t believe this but it’s actually the Kishinev State Circus in Moldova. Still, when it comes to ugliness, I knew that the Soviets wouldn’t let me down.

68. Now here’s a great piece of real estate for a James Bond villain.

This is actually a resort hotel at a beach in Yalta, a well known Russian vacation spot in the Soviet Era. Still, it does remind me of Dr. No's place for some reason.

This is actually a resort hotel at a beach in Yalta, a well known Russian vacation spot in the Soviet Era. Still, it does remind me of Dr. No’s place for some reason.

69. I guess this must’ve been an old Soviet industrial complex that was abandoned years ago.

It's actually the Fyodor Dostoyevsky Novogrod Theater. It was built in the 1960s to honor an author whose Christian existentialist works included novels about murdering old pawn brokers and their mentally disabled sisters as well as one of the most dysfunctional families in all of literature.

It’s actually the Fyodor Dostoyevsky Novogrod Theater. It was built in the 1960s to honor an author whose Christian existentialist works included novels about a Nietzsche wannabe murdering old pawn brokers and their mentally disabled sisters as well as one of the most dysfunctional families in all of literature. Still, between this and an industrial park, I can’t tell the difference.

70. I now give you the Gillette Razor Building.

This is the Strata SE 1 in London, UK. It's a residential building and eco-construction but it would've been perfect for Gillette corporate headquarters for a very obvious reason.

This is the Strata SE 1 in London, UK. It’s a residential building and eco-construction but it would’ve been perfect for Gillette corporate headquarters for a very obvious reason. Said to be one of the more sustainable edifices on this list though.

71. Now China’s Millennium Monument seems to resemble a concrete petri dish with something very sharp sticking out.

This monument is in Beijing and it seems to resemble something from the former Soviet Union than anything. As with the giant needle sticking out, I have no idea.

This monument is in Beijing and it seems to resemble something from the former Soviet Union than anything. As with the giant needle sticking out, I have no idea.

72. I suppose this building looks like a fancy can of wrinkle cream but I’m not sure.

This is an old Soviet style hotel in Kiev, Ukraine. One person writes, "it resembled an immense potato-masher grenade, wider at the top than the bottom."

This is an old Soviet style hotel in Kiev, Ukraine. One person writes, “it resembled an immense potato-masher grenade, wider at the top than the bottom.”

73. Now this seems like a couple of nice looking abnormally shaped bollocks.

During the Soviet Era, this was Kiev's Crematorium. Yet, while most crematoriums aren't known for their architecture as this one is, it's still seems more appropriate structure for Tattooine.

During the Soviet Era, this was Kiev’s Crematorium. Yet, while most crematoriums aren’t known for their architecture as this one is, it’s still seems more appropriate structure for Tattooine.

74. Now here is a nice picture of a nice stone church in Europe.

Seriously, this is a church? How can anyone could design such a monstrous house of prayer? This is called Saint Bernadette in Banlay, France while some think it's a piece from the movie Prometheus.

Seriously, this is a church? How can anyone could design such a monstrous house of prayer? This is called Saint Bernadette in Banlay, France while some think it’s a piece from the movie Prometheus.

75. Now this seems to be an incredibly giant piece of construction here.

Wait a minute. Despite it's rather sleek utilitarian appearance and unfinished look, this is the Umeda Sky Building from Osaka, Japan. Of course, it's a really big eyesore on its skyline.

Wait a minute. Despite it’s rather sleek utilitarian appearance and unfinished look, this is the Umeda Sky Building from Osaka, Japan. Of course, it’s a really big eyesore on its skyline.

76. Nothing puts the heavenly spirit in a cathedral than being constructed as some outer space tent all covered with slimy tentacles.

This is Brazil's Metropolitana de Nossa Senhora Aparecida in Brasilia as well as the seat for its local Catholic Archdiocese. It was built in the 1970s and certainly looks like it. The interior is a combination of a church atmosphere and almost being devoured by a giant squid.

This is Brazil’s Metropolitana de Nossa Senhora Aparecida in Brasilia as well as the seat for its local Catholic Archdiocese. It was built in the 1970s and certainly looks like it. The interior is a combination of a church atmosphere and almost being devoured by a giant squid.

77. While this is supposed to be Vienna’s Church of the Most Holy Trinity, the outside suggests Stonehenge.

Now this architecture would've been perfect for converting Celts to Christianity in the Middle Ages. Yet, that ship has already sailed by this point.

Now this architecture would’ve been perfect for converting Celts to Christianity in the Middle Ages. Yet, that ship has already sailed by this point.

78. While Mexico City isn’t a nice place by any means, it’s home to one of the world’s largest cubed traffic lights.

It's called "La Lavadora" or "the Washing Machine" in the heart of Mexico City's business district. Also lights up and features a pyramid. Still, "washing machine" makes better sense.

It’s called “La Lavadora” or “the Washing Machine” in the heart of Mexico City’s business district. Also lights up and features a pyramid. Still, “washing machine” makes better sense.

79. Only in China can you have a building consisting of two large plaid hand grenades.

This is the Zhangzhou Sewage Treatment Plant in China. Now sewage treatment plants aren't known for their architecture. Yet, this one does solely on it's massive sized tartan balloons alone.

This is the Zhangzhou Sewage Treatment Plant in China. Now sewage treatment plants aren’t known for their architecture. Yet, this one does solely on its massive sized tartan balloons alone.

80. For any Muslim on their pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia, stay at the Mecca Hotel Royal Clock Tower or the Abraj Al-Bait Towers.

Man, looks like the Saudi Royal family really wants to make money from these Hajjis in Mecca. Still, kind of reminds me of what a supervillain would have as a clock tower if he or she ever achieved world domination.

Man, looks like the Saudi Royal family really wants to make money from these Hajjis in Mecca. Still, kind of reminds me of what a supervillain would have as a clock tower if he or she ever achieved world domination. One person says this edifice complex is like giving the middle finger for taste and elegance. Not to mention, it’s now the second tallest building in the world.

Home Not So Sweet Home

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Ellen_H._Swallow_Richards_House_Boston_MA_01

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home. Ever since humans traded their nomadic lifestyle for a sedentary life of agriculture and civilization, people have always built houses ranging from the straw hut to the McMansion. Today houses come in all shape, sizes, and types all providing us shelter from the elements outside like increment weather. You can tell a lot about a person from their houses such as wealth and perhaps occupation and personal taste. Now I could talk all day about all the beautiful houses there are but you wouldn’t find this post remotely interesting. Instead, I’ll talk about the types of houses you’d see from the road and make you wonder how such a place exist or who would ever want to live there. However, before I go further, let me go over what this ugly house post doesn’t include:

1. Houses that are messy and decrepit as if abandoned and suffering from poor upkeep.

2. Houses built for low income residents and in bad neighborhoods.

3. Unfinished houses that were either under construction or being torn down.

4. Any house that has been boarded up and seems condemned.

5. Any house that’s been through some kind of disaster.

Of course, some of these houses shown may be due to how its architectural style may make them eyesores on the landscape. Other houses may seem outrageous looking due to the paint job and color. Sometimes it’s a little of both. There may be some that have no character and others that may seem to have too much. So without further adieu, here are some horrendous looking houses you may embarrassed to invite your friends for dinner in, if you ever lived there (save possibly Belgium).

1. Behold, where modern design meets the lack of utilitarian imagination.

While this design may be more appropriate for an office building, it hardly seems suitable for a residential neighborhood.

While this design may be more appropriate for an office building, it hardly seems suitable for a residential neighborhood.

2. One can do wrong with a house of gray blocks.

Now I don't know about you but this doesn't seem exactly homey to me. Reminds me a place I'd rather go home from like the law office of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.

Now I don’t know about you but this doesn’t seem exactly homey to me. Reminds me a place I’d rather go home from like the law office of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.

3. What do you mean houses don’t have faces?

Yes, those windows appear as if the house is alive and has a rather expressionless face. Also, I don't think it seems too keen about the white railing on the porches.

Yes, those windows appear as if the house is alive and has a rather expressionless face. Also, I don’t think it seems too keen about the white railing on the porches.

4. Of course, coming home to this house will sure give you stars.

This little house would actually be perfectly quaint if it weren't for its tacky exterior. Yeah, that cover is bound to cause migraines.

This little house would actually be perfectly quaint if it weren’t for its tacky exterior. Yeah, that cover is bound to cause migraines.

5. She wanted a standard 2 story house. He wanted something more futuristic looking. Eventually they settled for this.

This looks as if the builder basically took an old house, split it in two, and built the white block and balcony section to connect the two. Now I'd be pretty embarrassed to live at this place.

This looks as if the builder basically took an old house, split it in two, and built the white block and balcony section to connect the two. Now I’d be pretty embarrassed to live at this place.

6. I call this one, “The Green Tea Tulip House,” since it’s green and has a second story shaped like a tulip.

The tulip design is a perfectly fine architectural style for such a house. The green tea color on the other hand, is just utterly disgusting.

The tulip design is a perfectly fine architectural style for such a house. The green tea color on the other hand, is just utterly disgusting.

7. Now nothing makes a winter cabin brighter than Rainbow Brite.

Sure it may look a bit decrepit and abandoned. But I'm sure the next Cabin in the Woods film isn't going to be set at this place. That is, unless who's killing everyone there is a big fan of Lisa Frank.

Sure it may look a bit decrepit and abandoned. But I’m sure the next Cabin in the Woods film isn’t going to be set at this place. That is, unless who’s killing everyone there is a big fan of Lisa Frank.

8. Wait a minute, this house ain’t halfway done?

Let's just say whoever built this house only got it half finished before realizing that he or she ran out money before they could go any further. Yet, they still had plenty of bricks.

Let’s just say whoever built this house only got it half finished before realizing that they couldn’t build on as much property as they thought. So they built a large brick wall on the cross section.

9. Behold, the house of the future!

This house is as over 40 years old because it was used in Woody Allen's 1973 comedy Sleeper. Now I wonder how anyone living at this place can go to the bathroom?

This house is as over 40 years old because it was used in Woody Allen’s 1973 comedy Sleeper. Now I wonder how anyone living at this place can go to the bathroom?

10. Now this house seems to resemble any little girl’s dream.

Of course, the family thought they did a good job on their daughter's room that they decided to do the whole house like this. Then again, this would be a perfect facade for a Barbie Dream House.

Of course, the family thought they did a good job on their daughter’s room that they decided to do the whole house like this. Then again, this would be a perfect facade for a Barbie Dream House.

11. For those going for a more curvy feel, here’s a house for you.

Let's just say, someone might've thought curvy features is a good idea. Alas, it just seems that this architect was way too much into The Lord of the Rings.

Let’s just say, someone might’ve thought curvy features is a good idea. Alas, it just seems that this architect was way too much into The Lord of the Rings.

12. Apparently, Bobby wanted the kind of house where he could practice his rock climbing.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure that orange, lime, green, and light yellow is a good exterior color scheme. And the fact that this house is in a more modern style makes it even uglier.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that orange, lime, green, and light yellow is a good exterior color scheme. And the fact that this house is in a more modern style makes it even uglier.

13. In the future, we’ll all live in these affordable modular homes like these.

Let's hope the future never comes to this. Besides, I don't want to live in a home that reminds me of where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

Let’s hope the future never comes to this. Besides, I don’t want to live in a home that reminds me of where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

14. Nothing like the kind of home than one designed to freak out the neighbors.

Now this house seems as if it's spying on the neighbors. Let's hope that there's no telescope behind either of the giant circular windows.

Now this house seems as if it’s spying on the neighbors. Let’s hope that there’s no telescope behind either of the giant circular windows.

15. Well, as long that feature’s in the colonial style, I don’t see how it won’t do any harm.

Now I don't think the front door style goes well with the rest of the house. In fact, I think it just makes an otherwise decent looking house seem fairly hideous.

Now I don’t think the front door style goes well with the rest of the house. In fact, I think it just makes an otherwise decent looking house seem fairly hideous.

16. Now I’m sure nobody could have too many dormer windows.

Actually, while I think two would've been fine, four is just way too many for this house. In fact, maybe this house shouldn't have any dormers at all.

Actually, while I think two would’ve been fine, four is just way too many for this house. In fact, maybe this house shouldn’t have any dormers at all.

17. Brenda decided to have her house painted her two favorite colors: lime green and bright yellow.

Now there's a sight for sore eyes. Actually it's more of a sight that will make your eyes sore. Let's say that lime green and bright yellow aren't a good color scheme for a house.

Now there’s a sight for sore eyes. Actually it’s more of a sight that will make your eyes sore. Let’s say that lime green and bright yellow aren’t a good color scheme for a house.

18. Now here’s a great modern design for your liking.

Looks like the kind of house I'd imagine Lex Luthor having as a summer home. Seriously, it's more or less "eek" than "chic" to me.

Looks like the kind of house I’d imagine Lex Luthor having as a summer home. Seriously, it’s more or less “eek” than “chic” to me.

19. Of course, you can barely go wrong with a free standing chimney.

Maybe, but I see no reason why this house would look any better with a Pizza Hut like roof at the front. Seriously, this home just looks too silly form me.

Maybe, but I see no reason why this house would look any better with a Pizza Hut like roof at the front. Seriously, this home just looks too silly form me.

20. I’m sure that trim on the garage enclosure goes well with the rest of the house.

Now I don't think the trim on the garage area was a good idea because it doesn't go well with the house at all. Yet, I do like the brick work though.

Now I don’t think the trim on the garage area was a good idea because it doesn’t go well with the house at all. Yet, I do like the brick work though.

21. When it comes to roofs, you can’t have too many gables.

This is a place in New Jersey called, "The Bird Turd House of the Seventy Gables." It was said to be inspired by the German Coo-Coo Clock. Yet, you can see why people liken it to bird turds.

This is a place in New Jersey called, “The Bird Turd House of the Seventy Gables.” It was said to be inspired by the German Coo-Coo Clock. Yet, you can see why people liken it to bird turds.

22. Of course, perhaps you’d prefer to live under a pyramid with glass windows.

Now this is a house in Belgium which has a reputation for terrible house architecture. Still, I'm sure I wouldn't want to live in a house like this.

Now this is a house in Belgium which has a reputation for terrible house architecture. Still, I’m sure I wouldn’t want to live in a house like this.

23. Sure, I think we can create more stories for that black row house.

If there has been any architect who ever gave the finger, then this is possibly in the most spectacular way possible.

If there has been any architect who ever gave the finger, then this is possibly in the most spectacular way possible.

24. Of course, we can build a home that expresses both business and party at the same time.

Unfortunately, this house seems to have a lot of windows (which makes me question about their bathroom and privacy). Not only that, but it sort of resembles one of those ultramodern doctors' offices for some reason.

Unfortunately, this house seems to have a lot of windows (which makes me question about their bathroom and privacy). Not only that, but it sort of resembles one of those ultramodern doctors’ offices for some reason.

25. Now how about you paint your house in a shade of pink?

Now I'm not sure about pink houses in general. Yet, I'm not sure if this pink would be perfect for Malibu Barbie, let alone anyone else.

Now I’m not sure about pink houses in general. Yet, I’m not sure if this pink would be perfect for Malibu Barbie, let alone anyone else.

26. Now here’s a house that would really jump out to you, in an asymmetrical way.

Then again, it could use another window on the second story. On the other hand, I'm not sure how you can improve this house's look.

Then again, it could use another window on the second story. On the other hand, I’m not sure how you can improve this house’s look.

27. Now let’s step inside this lovely mansion.

Okay, that might be Albus Dumbledore's summer vacation cottage. You know, the Sherbert Lemon Wizard Ranch.

Okay, that might be Albus Dumbledore’s summer vacation cottage. You know, the Sherbert Lemon Wizard Ranch.

28. Okay, so let’s flip this house.

Hey, when I said, "flip this house," I didn't mean in this fashion. Oh, God, I'm surrounded by idiots.

Hey, when I said, “flip this house,” I didn’t mean in this fashion. Oh, God, I’m surrounded by idiots.

29. Hello, and welcome to Hayvenhurst.

I'm sure that it would look much better if the front way didn't have to be as high as the other parts of the house. But these owners really wanted to make a grand entrance.

I’m sure that it would look much better if the front way didn’t have to be as high as the other parts of the house. But these owners really wanted to make a grand entrance.

30. This house tends to go for the black and white stripes variety.

Looks almost as if someone made a house out of part of an army surplus store and tried to pass it as if it was made out of Legos. Nice try.

Looks almost as if someone made a house out of part of an army surplus store and tried to pass it as if it was made out of Legos. Nice try. Seems like the perfect vacation home for Beetlejuice, if you include the ugly yellow porch.

31. I don’t care how well it goes with the house. I want a castle tower.

Now maybe you shouldn't get castle tower unless you live in an actual castle. It just looks so out of place.

Now maybe you shouldn’t get castle tower unless you live in an actual castle. It just looks so out of place.

32. Now I give you the most expensive house in the world.

How in the hell would anyone want to buy such an expensive piece of shit? If you want to build a home that costs about $2 billion, at least make it look nice.

How in the hell would anyone want to buy such an expensive piece of shit? If you want to build a home that costs about $2 billion, at least make it look nice.

33. Now here is a palm desert mansion any celebrity would buy.

Now I can't tell the difference between this house and large pile of scrap metal. How would anyone want to entertain at this seeming pile of junk?

Now I can’t tell the difference between this house and large pile of scrap metal. How would anyone want to entertain at this seeming pile of junk?

34. I call this an owl house.

Just don't ask it how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Still, kind of freaky looking if you ask me.

Just don’t ask it how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Still, kind of freaky looking if you ask me.

35. Now I’m sure a big block of brick at the front upstairs window won’t hinder its looks.

Now this is just such an hideous block placement that I'm not sure ivy can cure. Still, I think it would look better if the brick block in the upstairs window would be removed.

Now this is just such an hideous block placement that I’m not sure ivy can cure. Still, I think it would look better if the brick block in the upstairs window would be removed.

36. What can go wrong with painting your house purple?

Now I really like purple. In fact, it's my favorite color. But I don't know what to think about Dracula's taste in exterior decorating.

Now I really like purple. In fact, it’s my favorite color. But I don’t know what to think about Dracula’s taste in exterior decorating.

37. How about a house colored with the rainbow?

Alright, this resident is on something. And by that, I mean like LSD, marijuana, PCP, brown acid, and other hallucinogen that's known to make you see God or bring world peace.

Alright, this resident is on something. And by that, I mean like LSD, marijuana, PCP, brown acid, and other hallucinogen that’s known to make you see God or bring world peace.

38. How about make your home inside this pyramid?

Now I don't know about you but I can't help but think that the person who lives there is part of some big shadow organization like the Illuminati perhaps. Then again, there's the Freemasons since this pyramid looks like the one on a US dollar bill, according to the National Treasure franchise.

Now I don’t know about you but I can’t help but think that the person who lives there is part of some big shadow organization like the Illuminati perhaps. Then again, there’s the Freemasons since this pyramid looks like the one on a US dollar bill, according to the National Treasure franchise.

39. Now I’ve never seen a triangle frame house quite like this one.

Now if this house was possessed, at least I know that the monster is basically in this place. Actually, the house may be the monster as you see by the window eyes and face.

Now if this house was possessed, at least I know that the monster is basically in this place. Actually, the house may be the monster as you see by the window eyes and face.

40. Now there is a house with a lot of funky color in it.

Unfortunately, the house painter might've had too much brown acid at Woodstock. I'm sure this is a certain eye sore for neighbors.

Unfortunately, the house painter might’ve had too much brown acid at Woodstock. I’m sure this is a certain eye sore for neighbors and may send some into seizures.

41. This house just needs a friend to keep it warm near the red telephone booth.

Don't look now but I think this house wants to eat us. Seriously, I don't like the look in its face. Keep away.

Don’t look now but I think this house wants to eat us. Seriously, I don’t like the look in its face which is creeping me out. Keep away.

42. I suppose this home would suit any Lord of the Rings fan.

Well, any LOTR fan who's on a budget and thought Rivendell looked too fancy and not enough like some kind of creepy mad scientist's lair.

Well, any LOTR fan who’s on a budget and thought Rivendell looked too fancy and not enough like some kind of creepy mad scientist’s lair.

43. Now this house must be very angry with its owners right now.

Of course, this is why the owners haven't realized that this house isn't too fond of them. This explains why their home has so many problems all the time.

Of course, this is why the owners haven’t realized that this house isn’t too fond of them. This explains why their home has so many problems all the time.

44. I’m sure houses have feelings, too, you know. Sometimes they’re not as apparent.

This house doesn't seem to be too happy here. Maybe it's because they're not paying attention that it has dry rot or something. Still, the brick work is pretty nice on this one.

This house doesn’t seem to be too happy here. Maybe it’s because they’re not paying attention that it has dry rot or something. Still, the brick work is pretty nice on this one.

45. Of course, you’d always need a tower to cover up the front door and for a possible room upstairs.

I don't know about you but there's something kind of out of place and phallic about this house. I just can't put my finger on it. Still, it would look better if it didn't have that brick tower.

I don’t know about you but there’s something quite phallic about this house. I just can’t put my finger on it. Still, it would look better if it didn’t have that brick tower. Also seems to have a creepy face, which makes this house even freakier. Still, why are there so many ugly houses in Belgium?

46. Of course, some houses are fairly accommodating.

For some reason, I wouldn't be able to look at this house and wonder whether I was being watched. There's just something unsettling about it if you know what I mean.

For some reason, I wouldn’t be able to look at this house and wonder whether I was being watched. There’s just something unsettling about it if you know what I mean.

47. Remember, kids, people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Kind of reminds me of what Batman's greenhouse may look like if he ever got into gardening. Also seems to have a monstrous face.

Kind of reminds me of what Batman’s greenhouse may look like if he ever got into gardening. Also seems to have a monstrous face.

48. House by day. Transformer by night.

I also wouldn't be surprised if this would be the kind of house Batman would live in, if he wasn't born into a rich family. Yet, I don't know what the Batmobile would look like.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if this would be the kind of house Batman would live in, if he wasn’t born into a rich family. Yet, I don’t know what the Batmobile would look like.

49. Welcome to Saint Peter’s Catholic Church and Car Repair.

Basically the only place where you can receive the sacrament of Reconciliation and a wax job.

Basically the only place where you can receive the sacrament of Reconciliation and a wax job. And yes, it’s in Belgium.

50. Now let’s get this house to stand right back up again.

Oh, wait. My mistake. Looks like it was how this house was built, and not as though it had been through a hurricane. Sorry.

Oh, wait. My mistake. Looks like it was how this house was built, and not as though it had been through a hurricane. Sorry.

51. Murg seemed to like earth so much that he ended up settling down and turning his spaceship into a home.

Of course, he thought his spaceship was so large and spacious than most houses that he didn't bother with going through renovations. At least on the outside, that is.

Of course, he thought his spaceship was so large and spacious than most houses that he didn’t bother with going through renovations. At least on the outside, that is.

52. Now how about some dark woodwork with that painted wooden siding?

While I was in marching band in high school, we played against a school that had brown and yellow as a school color. And let me say, these two colors don't go well together at all, except maybe in the toilet.

While I was in marching band in high school, we played against a school that had brown and yellow as a school color. And let me say, these two colors don’t go well together at all, except maybe in the toilet.

53. Nothing makes a house a home like unconventional window placement.

However, there is such a thing as being too much unconventional that it makes the house seem like a residence for a Dr. Seuss character.

However, there is such a thing as being too much unconventional that it makes the house seem like a residence for a Dr. Seuss character.

54. Welcome to our elevated trailer park apartments.

I think someone made a gingerbread display of this that I posted for gingerbread architecture. Still, I don't think trailers tend to bring down property values in a lot of ways. At least in America.

I think someone made a gingerbread display of this that I posted for gingerbread architecture. Still, I don’t think trailers tend to bring down property values in a lot of ways. At least in America.

55. In the future, everyone will live in these large concrete spheres that seem to appear from some futuristic Soviet era.

Please, don't make me live here. The prospect of residing in these mammoth balls of concrete seems like depressing prospect to me. Also, they tend to resemble giant aliens from outer space or something. And they don't seem too happy.

Please, don’t make me live here. The prospect of residing in these mammoth balls of concrete seems like depressing prospect to me. Also, they tend to resemble giant aliens from outer space or something. And they don’t seem too happy.

56. Nothing says home, like a curvy brown home suitable for the CEO of UPS.

If it wasn't for the windows, I would've mistaken this house for a colossal turd from some extremely large mythical creature. Seriously, this is one of the ugliest houses in modern architecture I've ever seen.

If it wasn’t for the windows, I would’ve mistaken this house for a colossal turd from some extremely large mythical creature. Seriously, this is one of the ugliest houses in modern architecture I’ve ever seen.

57. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the IKEA trailer.

Now I may equate trailers with hillbillys and country music. But let me say, that even the worst looking trailers I've seen have never been as ugly as this one. Let's just say I don't equate trailers with high concept design and there's a reason for it.

Now I may equate trailers with hillbillys and country music. But let me say, that even the worst looking trailers I’ve seen have never been as ugly as this one. Let’s just say I don’t equate trailers with high concept design and there’s a reason for it.

58. Of course, you can never go overboard with fancy decorations on a house.

Actually, I take that back you can, especially if the house is brown. Still, looks like a kind of house I'd expect Willy Wonka to own. I mean he has to have some space to escape from all those Oompa Loompas singing.

Actually, I take that back you can, especially if the house is brown. Still, looks like a kind of house I’d expect Willy Wonka to own. I mean he has to have some space to escape from all those Oompa Loompas singing.

59. Now here’s a nice little tower house for fans of Jurassic Park.

Then again, I think a dinosaur quashing it might improve its looks. I mean it just seems more like a house I'd see aliens living in who miss the architecture from their planets.

Then again, I think a dinosaur quashing it might improve its looks. I mean it just seems more like a house I’d see aliens living in who miss the architecture from their planets.

60. Apparently this house was built by an architect inspired by the soaring bald eagle’s rear end.

Let's just say this marvel in modern architecture just seems to be the architect's expression of basically saying, "Up yours!" to his or her clients. Yet, the stupid clients weren't smart enough to figure that out.

Let’s just say this marvel in modern architecture just seems to be the architect’s expression of basically saying, “Up yours!” to his or her clients. Yet, the stupid clients weren’t smart enough to figure that out.

61. Looks like the parents loved how they did the kids’ room so much that they wanted the whole house painted like this.

Now I wouldn't be surprised if this house was in Sweden and the head of IKEA lived there. And I wouldn't even be at all surprised if that person had to build the house from a set of pictoral instructions.

Now I wouldn’t be surprised if this house was in Sweden and the head of IKEA lived there. And I wouldn’t even be at all surprised if that person had to build the house from a set of pictoral instructions.

62. Nothing brings out the nice Florida atmosphere than a house painted lime green.

Remember, kids, friends don't let friends paint their houses in lime green even in Florida. That goes the same way with most of the houses painted in the outfit colors of Florida residents over 65, especially in Boca Raton.

Remember, kids, friends don’t let friends paint their houses in lime green even in Florida. That goes the same way with most of the houses painted in the outfit colors of Florida residents over 65, especially in Boca Raton.

63. Perhaps you were seeking a house in a more naturalistic architectural style.

Now this house seems to resemble a gigantic tree monster who'd basically devour you if you ever try to cut down any of its sacred trees. Yeah, I wouldn't want to live there.

Now this house seems to resemble a gigantic tree monster who’d basically devour you if you ever try to cut down any of its sacred trees. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to live there.

64. Wow! What a colorful row of row houses.

Now this really seems like a tacky day in this neighborhood. This is why row houses should always be built in the same style. Else, I'm sure some neighborhood onlooker is going to break out in seizures.

Now this really seems like a tacky day in this neighborhood. This is why row houses should always be built in the same style. Else, I’m sure some neighborhood onlooker is going to break out in seizures.

65. Hey, kids, there’s the home of Sam I Am from Green Eggs and Ham no less.

Well, it looks like one of those houses you'd find in a Dr. Seuss book. I'm sure Dr. Seuss would be surprised that his work might've inspired a whole architectural movement.

Well, it looks like one of those houses you’d find in a Dr. Seuss book. I’m sure Dr. Seuss would be surprised that his work might’ve inspired a whole architectural movement.

66. I’m sure blue and orange is a great color scheme for any house.

Man, someone must be a huge fan of the Syracuse Orange that they don't even bother considering how tacky their house looks. I get migraines just looking at that place.

Man, someone must be a huge fan of the Syracuse Orange that they don’t even bother considering how tacky their house looks. I get migraines just looking at that place.

67. I’m sure building a home based on your daughter’s dollhouse seemed like a very good idea at the time.

Now just because the facade would go great on a dollhouse, doesn't mean it will translate well in real life. Besides, I'm sure the dollhouse that served as an inspiration was made by Fisher Price.

Now just because the facade would go great on a dollhouse, doesn’t mean it will translate well in real life. Besides, I’m sure the dollhouse that served as an inspiration was made by Fisher Price.

68. I’m sure this warehouse will provide well for your storage needs.

Wait a minute, this is an actual house? Then why does it look like the kind of place Walter White would store his meth stash? And why does it seem to lack total character?

Wait a minute, this is an actual house? Then why does it look like the kind of place Walter White would store his meth stash? And why does it seem to lack total character?

69. Now I’m sure green and red would make your house appear rather festive during the holiday season.

Maybe this house would look perfectly fine during the Christmas season. But other times of the year? Not so much. Also, is that lime green?

Maybe this house would look perfectly fine during the Christmas season. But other times of the year? Not so much. Also, is that lime green?

70. This mansion design was brought to you by Lincoln Logs.

Now I'm sure this is the place where Bruce Wayne trained with Raz al' Ghul in the Dark Knight Saga. Then again, it's been awhile since I've seen Batman Begins anyway.

Now I’m sure this is the place where Bruce Wayne trained with Raz al’ Ghul in the Dark Knight Saga. Then again, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Batman Begins anyway.

71. Now I’m sure this yellow house will strike your fancy.

I'm sure this house was based off that Veggie Tales episode on the Alamo. You know, the one with Davy Broccoli, Jim Beet and General Santa Artichoke.

I’m sure this house was based off that Veggie Tales episode on the Alamo. You know, the one with Davy Broccoli, Jim Beet and General Santa Artichoke.

72. Now let’s put a sun light near the angle so we can save money non energy.

I suppose this place was the starting home of Lex Luthor. I hear his ex-wife lives in that place to this day and that they're not on very good terms.

I suppose this place was the starting home of Lex Luthor. I hear his ex-wife lives in that place to this day and that they’re not on very good terms.

73. There were so many great colors we couldn’t decide. So we went with all of them.

Looks like the paint fumes really seem to get to the painters in this case. You know how inhaling paint could make you see certain things.

Looks like the paint fumes really seem to get to the painters in this case. You know how inhaling paint could make you see certain things.

74. Now this house just makes me see spots just looking at it. Great big colorful ones.

Now this polka dot house may get the neighbors asking the owner, "Are you high?" Also, I'm sure that they don't go well on a house at all.

Now this polka dot house may get the neighbors asking the owner, “Are you high?” Also, I’m sure that they don’t go well on a house at all.

75. Now I just need a big garage to park my car and a nice circular window to spy on the neighbors.

Let's just say, I wouldn't want to live in a neighborhood with a house like this. Besides, I don't think the small warehouse garage and the awning like front part go well with the rest of the house either.

Let’s just say, I wouldn’t want to live in a neighborhood with a house like this. Besides, I don’t think the small warehouse garage and the awning like front part go well with the rest of the house either.

Fun with Tombstones

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

demo_tombstone As we all know, Halloween revolves around a lot of things that scare us be it gore, mutilation, ghosts, the supernatural or large insects and spiders. Yet, one of the very real concepts that many of us fear is death, which is basically the cessation of one’s existence altogether. Whether it be through natural causes or otherwise, we will all die someday and while there are things we could do to delay it, there’s nothing we can do about it. We can, however, get our affairs in order and make our funeral arrangements, which many elderly people do since they know the end is near anyway. It’s been a tradition in modern Western society to be buried in cemeteries and erect tombstones on our graves so our surviving relatives, friends, and descendants could visit us after we’re gone. I myself go to a cemetery nearby my house during my routine morning walks. Most gravestones usually have the name of the deceased as well as life dates. A lot of times they may share a tombstone with a spouse, have some indicator of military service, or perhaps a place pertaining to the life dates. As for decorations, some may have religious symbols like a cross, Jesus, Mary, an angel, or a star of David. Some may have a lamb on them to say that this person died as as a child. Of course, this is dependent on Western iconography. Some may have intricate designs to show off that they knew people who could afford such monuments to them. Still, there are certain tombstones that are worth noting either for the bizarre design or containing last words to sum up their time on earth or what not. And you won’t believe the pictures I’ve found on Google. So without further ado on this Halloween season, here are some amusing tombstones for your pleasure. 1. And here’s to you the alcoholic serial monogamist.

Now if the liver cirrhosis didn't kill him at 62, then the divorce settlement might've had something to do with it. Not to mention, the fact his nephews and nieces erected his tombstone.

Now if the liver cirrhosis didn’t kill him at 62, then the divorce settlement might’ve had something to do with it. Not to mention, the fact his nephews and nieces erected his tombstone.

2. Sure he may have died at 42, but damn did he lead an interesting life.

Yes, I'm sure that Ronald Eugene Smith is surely a swell guy. Yet, perhaps having an adventurous life may have led to his death at 42. Also, I'm sure he didn't learn fast or acted quickly enough.

Yes, I’m sure that Ronald Eugene Smith is surely a swell guy. Yet, perhaps having an adventurous life may have led to his death at 42. Also, I’m sure he didn’t learn fast or acted quickly enough.

3. Here lies Naomi Thigpen Shankle.

I guess the epitaph is there because of her silly name. Seriously, it seems like her name reads like something Monty Python would make up.

I guess the epitaph is there because of her silly name. Seriously, it seems like her name reads like something Monty Python would make up.

4. Of course, this tombstone shows how a man’s love for NASCAR seemed to go beyond the grave.

Well, I got to say that this is the most expensive tombstone for a race car buff I've ever seen. Of course, this grave might belong to a race car driver which is more understandable.

Well, I got to say that this is the most expensive tombstone for a race car buff I’ve ever seen. Of course, this grave might belong to a race car driver which is more understandable.

5. Now I guess Dave didn’t seem too bright when he chased that bear into a cave.

Yeah, I'm sure being an intruder in a ursuline home invasion will sure kill you and possibly lead to a Darwin Award.

Yeah, I’m sure being an intruder in a home invasion in a bear cave will sure kill you and possibly lead to a Darwin Award. I’m sure chasing a bear isn’t going to turn out well, especially if the bear’s a mama.

6. R. I. P. Jonathan Blake, victim of his own disorderly driving.

Now, kids, that's what your tombstone may look like if you decide to step on the gas instead of the brake, in the event of a head on collision. So please don't end up like Jonathan Blake.

Now, kids, that’s what your tombstone may look like if you decide to step on the gas instead of the brake, in the event of a head on collision. So please don’t end up like Jonathan Blake.

7. So who says that you can’t call people after they die?

This is perhaps coming from a Jewish cemetery or one in Israel. Still, it may not work but it probably costs just as much as anything new Apple now comes out with.

This is perhaps coming from a Jewish cemetery or one in Israel. Still, it may not work but it probably costs just as much as anything new Apple now comes out with.

8. Oh, poor Rex, another dog lost to the Chinese Restaurant industry.

Then again, Rex's life dates indicate that he was 14 years old. Let's just say, if that Asian kid didn't ask to wok him, then it's very possible that the vet would've put him to sleep.

Then again, Rex’s life dates indicate that he was 14 years old. Let’s just say, if that Asian kid didn’t ask to wok him, then it’s very possible that the vet would’ve put him to sleep.

9. Man, these Dotterweichs sure are an unlucky bunch.

Now I see a lot of kids' graves at the local cemetery. And kids' graves aren't an unusual sight at graveyards at all particularly in the older sections. Yet, I'm sure the Dotterweich children all dying in the icy pond just makes you wonder what happened in that scenario.

Now I see a lot of kids’ graves at the local cemetery. And children’s’ graves aren’t an unusual sight at graveyards at all particularly in the older sections since there were a lot of things that killed kids in those days. Yet, I’m sure the Dotterweich children all drowning in the icy pond just makes you wonder what happened in that case. I mean ponds aren’t that deep.

10. Why not grace your tombstone with this happy dancing dolphin?

This is most likely not a child's grave since the deceased was born in 1938. And let's just say, a kiddie grave back in her childhood wouldn't feature dolphins! Yet, why she wanted a happy dolphin on her tombstone, I don't have the slightest idea. I mean it kind of just defies everything I'd imagine a grave stone to look like.

This is most likely not a child’s grave since the deceased was born in 1938. And let’s just say, a kiddie grave back in her childhood wouldn’t feature dolphins! Yet, why she wanted a happy dolphin on her tombstone, I don’t have the slightest idea. I mean it kind of just defies everything I’d imagine a grave stone to look like.

11. Of course, there is always one large cavity all dentists fill.

That's right, I'm talking about a large manmade geological cavity called,

That’s right, I’m talking about a large manmade geological cavity called, “a hole in the ground” this dentist is currently filling.

12. Poor Jerry Farrer didn’t seem to have the kind of death he wanted.

While Jerry Farrer wanted to be shot by a jealous husband at 102, he died at 74. Then again, whether he was shot by a jealous husband or died of natural causes, I really can't say. Perhaps you should ask his wife.

While Jerry Farrer wanted to be shot by a jealous husband at 102, he died at 74. Then again, whether he was shot by a jealous husband or died of natural causes, I really can’t say. Perhaps you should ask his wife.

13. Hopefully, this would’ve been a perfect grave stone for Rev. Gerry Falwell. Then again, I think this is the wrong Teletubby.

Now this grave seems to accomplish what many thought impossible. Make one of the Teletubbies seem incredibly creepy.

Now this grave seems to accomplish what many thought impossible. Make one of the Teletubbies seem incredibly terrifying. Yeah, this one seems to prey on your dreams.

14. Though he died at 52, Lester’s tombstone nevertheless had an awesome shark design.

It also helps that this guy was a Vietnam vet and this design could've possibly been on some craft he was on. Still, how would you want to run into this grave in a cemetery?

It also helps that this guy was a Vietnam vet and this design could’ve possibly been on some craft he was on. Still, how would you want to run into this grave in a cemetery?

15. Now this guy seems to give the world a finger before he left.

Now that's nice, having a tombstone depict a hand flipping the bird. I wonder how this guy's tombstone came to be designed with this offensive gesture.

Now that’s nice, having a tombstone depict a hand flipping the bird. I wonder how this guy’s tombstone came to be designed with this offensive gesture.

16. Now I suppose that this guy was some kind of curmudgeon, I suppose.

Now I suppose by reading this tombstone, I'm sure that human nature hasn't changed all that much. We always have to have our complainers.

Now I suppose by reading this tombstone, I’m sure that human nature hasn’t changed all that much. We always have to have our complainers.

17. Of course, some guys have motorcycles. Others just have them on their tombstones or sarcophagi.

In the medical world, motorcycles are known as

In the medical world, motorcycles are known as “donor cycles” for obvious reasons. Still, didn’t stop my doctor uncle from getting one. Nevertheless, this tombstone must’ve been very expensive.

18. Seems like this guy really loved to play Scrabble. Wonder what happened to him.

Remember, kids, Scabble may be an educational game of spelling. Yet, it's also a highly dangerous one and known to take those in their prime. Remember that this guy was only 21 when he was cut down.

Remember, kids, Scabble may be an educational game of spelling. Yet, it’s also a highly dangerous one and known to take those in their prime. Remember that this guy was only 21 when he was cut down.

19. Now I’m sure we all knew this would happen.

Of course, why this guy lists the names of his great grandparents, I have no idea. Still, we're all going to die someday, right?

Of course, why this guy lists the names of his great grandparents, I have no idea. Still, we’re all going to die someday, right?

20. Yes, Jesus tends to call people whenever they’re on cellphones in the car sometimes. It’s called distracted driving.

Still, judging by the beehive haircut and the 1980s cell phone, I'm sure this poor woman had passed away a while ago. Then again, maybe that's not a phone but the image just suggests she died from some cell phone related car wreck.

Still, judging by the beehive haircut and the 1980s cell phone, I’m sure this poor woman had passed away a while ago. Then again, maybe that’s not a phone but the image just suggests she died from some cell phone related car wreck in the 1980s.

21. Now be buried in style in a granite sarcophagus with your BMW convertible on top of it.

Seriously, either the car is real or it's made from granite. If it's real, then why is it on this person's grave when it should be passed on to his or her relatives? Either way, this memorial certainly didn't come cheap.

Seriously, this must’ve been a very expensive memorial to have a care on top of a sarcophagus like that. Not to mention, it looks almost eerily real if not for the wheels.  Still, if any of my relatives wanted a grave like this, I sure wouldn’t let that happen, because such concept is freaking ridiculous.

22. Guess Doris Marie Seward was so confident that she’d see the new millennium.

Then again, she almost made it, only to be cut down at the tragic young age of 82. So sad.

Then again, she almost made it, only to be cut down at the tragic young age of 82. Yes, she was an optimist indeed.

23. Now I wonder what went on here between Mr. and Mrs. Doubt.

Mrs. Doubt wants to take the back roads while Mr. Doubt says it's 5 o'clock somewhere. Hope their deaths weren't the result of some traffic accident as these quotes hint at.

Mrs. Doubt wants to take the back roads while Mr. Doubt says it’s 5 o’clock somewhere. Hope their deaths weren’t the result of some traffic accident as these quotes hint at.

24. Sometimes tombstone epitaphs don’t seem to stop embarrassing those who lie in them.

I'm sure

I’m sure “bugger” was just a cute and affectionate nickname by his mother and not some homophobic slur from some bygone era. Then again, it’s hard to tell by these tombstones alone.

25. Kay may be gone, but her fudge recipe will live on.

Thankfully, Kay's fudge recipe is on her tombstone. So anyone with an smart phone can simply take a picture of it and get the recipe there.

Thankfully, Kay’s fudge recipe is on her tombstone. So anyone with an smart phone can simply take a picture of it and get the recipe there.

26. I guess Tomas Chinchilla seemed to clinch the wrong wallet at 22.

Since this is a Mexican tombstone, then his violent death shouldn't be a surprise. Nevertheless, God is probably watching His wallet around him.

Since this is a Mexican tombstone, then his violent death shouldn’t be a surprise. Nevertheless, God is probably watching His wallet around him.

27. Now this person certainly knows how to get in touch with old friends.

Of course, I'm not sure if Ouija boards really work but I don't know much about communicating with the dead anyway.

Of course, I’m not sure if Ouija boards really work but I don’t know much about communicating with the dead anyway. Still, how does the tombstone version work?

28. Of course, someone always has to have a grave of a grand piano.

Of course, let's just say some people in the olden days were just as creative with their graves as some people today. Of course, the marble doesn't hold up well with the rains.

Of course, let’s just say some people in the olden days were just as creative with their graves as some people today. Of course, the marble doesn’t make great material for a gravestone since it’s prone to acid rain damage.

29. I’m sure this guy is all ready for Judgement Day, if that ever comes.

Yeah, I'm sure those angels are going roll the rock away. Still, I don't get why carve a rock tombstone out of what's technically rock.

Yeah, I’m sure those angels are going roll the rock away. Still, I don’t get why carve a rock tombstone out of what’s technically rock.

30.Here this Union soldier is laid to rest in his marble tent.

Now this is interesting. Bet this guy either died in the war and had family with the money to give him a fitting tribute, or he lusted after his glory days.

Now this is interesting. Bet this guy either died in the war and had family with the money to give him a fitting tribute, or he lusted after his glory days.

31. A fitting tribute for a great electrician if there ever was one.

Now I'm sure the family had a bright idea to erect a tombstone for him with a light bulb and electrical outlet. Hope he didn't fall prey to any occupational hazards.

Now I’m sure the family had a bright idea to erect a tombstone for him with a light bulb and electrical outlet. Hope he didn’t fall prey to any occupational hazards.

32. Of course, with a computer on his or her grave, this person is always online.

Still, I'm not sure whether this computer is a Mac or a PC. Then again, it probably doesn't even work to begin with.

Still, I’m not sure whether this computer is a Mac or a PC. Then again, it probably doesn’t even work to begin with.

33. Wonder what happened to this couple?

Yes, it's very likely that these two probably died in some terrible accident and it's the left person's fault. This is as far as I could tell.

Yes, it’s very likely that these two probably died in some terrible accident and it’s the left person’s fault. This is as far as I could tell.

34. Now this epitaph would be perfect on the Dowager Countess’s tombstone.

Just so you know the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey is the one played by Maggie Smith. Nevertheless, this just suits her character perfectly.

Just so you know the Dowager Countess from Downton Abbey is the one played by Maggie Smith. Nevertheless, this just suits her character perfectly.

35. Yeah, dude, but be lucky that your skin wasn’t turn into a saddle ridden by fat, ugly, men.

Of course, I don't know why any guy would want this carved on his tombstone because it sounds pretty sick. Still, luckily his man didn't get his wish.

Of course, I don’t know why any guy would want this carved on his tombstone because it sounds pretty sick. Still, luckily his man didn’t get his wish.

36. Well, she could say that again.

Still, shit happens and then you die like this woman. Nevertheless, what's with the Indian figurine on her tombstone.

Still, shit happens and then you die like this woman. Nevertheless, what’s with the Indian figurine on her tombstone.

37. I don’t know about you but Met Life seems to be an interesting place to work at.

Sure this guy may have an interesting last day. Yet, though I may be unemployed, this inscription doesn't make me want to work for MetLife.

Sure this guy may have an interesting last day. Yet, though I may be unemployed, this inscription doesn’t make me want to work for MetLife.

38. Well, I’m sure you can’t be good at everything, even at your job sometimes.

According to his Mexican tombstone, Pancrazio Juvenales was a wonderful husband and father but terrible electrician. I wonder which of those three distinctions killed him at 25?

According to his Mexican tombstone, Pancrazio Juvenales was a wonderful husband and father but terrible electrician. I wonder which of those three distinctions killed him at 25?

39. Now this guy’s copper statue can’t wait to get out of his tomb.

Either George is a zombie or he just can't wait till Judgement Day. Either way, his family must've spent a fortune on this sarcophagus.

Either George is a zombie or he just can’t wait till Judgement Day. Either way, his family must’ve spent a fortune on this sarcophagus.

40. Here lies Harv and may he be remembered for seeing all these bands in concert.

Man, this guy has been to a lot of concerts consisting of 1970s and 1980s musical artists. There's Queen, Styx, Pat Benatar, Quiet Riot, Toto, Ted Nugent, Motley Crue, Ozzy Osbourne, and many more.

Man, this guy has been to a lot of concerts consisting of 1970s and 1980s musical artists. There’s Queen, Styx, Pat Benatar, Quiet Riot, Toto, Ted Nugent, Motley Crue, Ozzy Osbourne, and many more.

41. Here lies George Campell, husband to 4 different women.

Let's hope he wasn't married to them all at the same time or served as a member of some Mormon polygamist cult. Still, love the epitaph,

Let’s hope he wasn’t married to them all at the same time or served as a member of some Mormon polygamist cult. Still, love the epitaph, “I’m so happy here…I could just shit!”

42. So here lies Joseph William Burdet who died in his sleep at 52.

Something tells me he died in his sleep while he was at the wheel. I why I suspect this. Oh, yeah, the car carving on the top is kind of a dead giveaway. Yeah, falling asleep at the wheel could do that.

Something tells me he died in his sleep while he was at the wheel. I why I suspect this. Oh, yeah, the car carving on the top is kind of a dead giveaway. Yeah, falling asleep at the wheel could do that.

43. Of course, everyone should’ve known William Hahn was sick before he passed.

Looks like he lived to be 75 which isn't bad. Nevertheless, people do get sick and die of natural causes from that age. Hahn's family should've known.

Looks like he lived to be 75 which isn’t bad. Nevertheless, people do get sick and die of natural causes from that age. Hahn’s family should’ve known.

44. In the game of life, we always go into the whole on this deal as Eric W. Jr. said.

Still, I think this is part of a couple tombstone, since his last name isn't on the picture. Nevertheless, yeah, the deal with life would put you into a hole, literally.

Still, I think this is part of a couple tombstone, since his last name isn’t on the picture. Nevertheless, yeah, the deal with life would put you into a hole, literally.

45. R. I. P. James M. Brown, proof that a Texas Ranger shouldn’t mess with someone from the Chicago PD.

Sure a Texas Ranger may be a brave and noble soul in the West but he met his end at Chicago's Garfield Park Race Track, thanks to the local PD. Looks like he wasn't all that clean as he's made up to be. Then again, Western law enforcement was known to be ridden with ex-cons and corrupt as hell.

Sure a Texas Ranger may be a brave and noble soul in the West but he met his end at Chicago’s Garfield Park Race Track, thanks to the local PD. Looks like he wasn’t all that clean as he’s made up to be. Then again, Western law enforcement was known to be ridden with ex-cons and corrupt as hell.

46. Oh, that’s a nice epitaph for John, which was written by his friends. He must have great friends.

When you read the first letters of each line, you realize that John's friends are basically telling him to

When you read the first letters of each line, you realize that John’s friends are basically telling him to “Fuck You.” Pretty clever stealth insult I daresay.

47. Here lies Lester More, victim of some gunfight in Tombstone, AZ.

Yes, 4 slugs from a .44 could kill you like Lester More. Guess he pissed off the wrong gunfighter and was slow on the draw.

Yes, 4 slugs from a .44 could kill you like Lester More. Guess he pissed off the wrong gunfighter and was slow on the draw.

48. Make your grave site accommodating to your family and get a granite tombstone living room set.

Of course, this tombstone living room set might be unaffordable to most people. Still, if it wasn't made from granite, I'd take this set for my actual living room.

Of course, this tombstone living room set might be unaffordable to most people. Still, if it wasn’t made from granite, I’d take this set for my actual living room.

49. Lawrence L. Cook Jr. should’ve been faithful to his wife or his wife wouldn’t have killed him in a crime of passion.

Of course, this is what happens to some married guys who can't keep it in their pants. Well, that or what you'd see from Fatal Attraction.

Of course, this is what happens to some married guys who can’t keep it in their pants. Well, that or what you’d see from Fatal Attraction.

50. Seems like whoever under this sarcophagus really liked cows.

Is that guy sucking that cow's udder? Oh, God, that's just nasty! Still, why do they have this as a tombstone? Cemeteries should appeal to a G-rated audience for you never know if a kid is going to be there.

Is that guy sucking that cow’s udder? Oh, God, that’s just nasty! Still, why do they have this as a tombstone? Cemeteries should appeal to a G-rated audience for you never know if a kid is going to be there.

51. Here lies a tombstone with a parking meter?

Of course, if you stay at this woman's grave longer than expected, you may be ticketed or towed.

Of course, if you stay at this woman’s grave long after your time expires, you may be ticketed or towed. Still, why? Then again, she’s already expired.

52. Guess somebody seemed to like CCR a little too much.

Yet, whether this CCR fan was the deceased or the engraver, we'll never know. Still,

Yet, whether this CCR fan was the deceased or the engraver, we’ll never know. Still, “Don’t go around tonight, Well, it’s bound to take your life. There’s a bathroom on the right” Wait, I mean “bad moon on the rise.”

53. Man, someone must really have it in for the Democrats.

Of course, this guy lived during the Jacksonian Era when the Democratic Party consisted of many guys from the South who owned slaves. So perhaps he wasn't as crazy as the Republican bunch we have today.

Of course, this guy lived during the Jacksonian Era when the Democratic Party consisted of many guys from the South who owned slaves. So perhaps he wasn’t as crazy as the Republican bunch we have today.

54. Here lies an Austrailian Seaman who died during WWII nicknamed, “Chika”?

You don't think of a WWII Navy Seaman when you hear the name

You don’t think of a WWII Navy Seaman when you hear the name “Chicka” do you? Well, I guess not, but they seemed to have existed at one point.

55. Here lies Miguelin, gone to that low rider in the sky.

My mom once counseled a woman whose family was fighting over whether to bury her deceased father in his Corvette. Of course, it seems that you can bury someone in a low rider in Latin America or so it seems.

My mom once counseled a woman whose family was fighting over whether to bury her deceased father in his Corvette. Of course, it seems that you can bury someone in a low rider in Latin America or so it seems.

56. Nothing makes a dead person seem so sleazy like a pool table on your tombstone.

Strange, this is for a couple, not a guy who'd have a Dogs Playing Poker picture. Still, let's say the tombstone was the man's idea.

Strange, this is for a couple, not a guy who’d have a Dogs Playing Poker picture. Still, let’s say the tombstone was the man’s idea.

57. Looks like the Ivisons found a place to park in Georgetown.

Then again, they may have found a place to park in Georgetown, but they didn't get there at the same time.

Then again, they may have found a place to park in Georgetown, but they didn’t get there at the same time.

58. R. I. P. Fred, killed by rock.

Read this tombstone as a reminder to be wary of large falling rocks that could hit your head. If you want to live, no less.

Read this tombstone as a reminder to be wary of large falling rocks that could hit your head. If you want to live, no less.

59. Rest in Peace Gustava and by the way, your Ricardo is a cheapskate.

So what if Ricardo didn't give any money to pay for his dad's grave? Then again, being that this grave's in Mexico, he could have a ton of excuses like being poor or having to worry about drug cartels.

So what if Ricardo didn’t give any money to pay for his dad’s grave? Then again, being that this grave’s in Mexico, he could have a ton of excuses like being poor or having to worry about drug cartels.

60. Now a cemetery on land is the last place I’d see Spongebob Squarepants, especially in uniform.

Now I may have seen many things in a cemetery, but I haven't seen a monument quite like this. Still, I don't think Spongebob has a place in a cemetery, and why erect such a monument in the first place?

Now I may have seen many things in a cemetery, but I haven’t seen a monument quite like this. Still, I don’t think Spongebob has a place in a cemetery, and why erect such a monument in the first place?

61. R. I. P. Bill Kugle, no fan of Republicans.

Of course, I don't vote for Republicans either but that because they're just crazy, egocentrically religious nutjobs, Corporate American lapdogs, idiots or all of the above in my book. Of course, this is jut my political opinion but I could see Kugle's point.

Of course, I don’t vote for Republicans either but that because they’re just crazy, egocentrically religious nutjobs, Corporate American lapdogs, idiots or all of the above in my book. Of course, this is jut my political opinion but I could see Kugle’s point.

62. Ladies and gentlemen, this person has logged out.

Let's just hope that

Let’s just hope that “connection reset by peer” isn’t synonymous with “murder,” shall we? Still, too bad he didn’t live past 28.

63. Of course, fender could be a lot of things in our culture, but I think the one on this tombstone refers to a saddle.

Judging by the tombstone being made from a possibly marble (meaning

Judging by the tombstone being made from a possibly marble (meaning “old”), it’s likely that Wathel Bender was killed in some literal foul horseplay or some equine accident if you will. Also, who names their kid Wathel?

64. According to his epitaph, this guy was a bit of a drinker.

Sure Grover Cleveland Nichols may have liked his whiskey, but it's amazing that he lived to be 87 as you see by his life dates.

Sure Grover Cleveland Nichols may have liked his whiskey, but it’s amazing that he lived to be 87 as you see by his life dates. Of course, he may have stopped drinking by that time but we’ll never know.

65. Of course, you might be able to parallel park at this tomb sites but the parking meters are both expired.

Still, I wonder about the identities about this couple buried here. I mean I can't even read the tombstone since it's so flat.

Still, I wonder about the identities about this couple buried here. I mean I can’t even read the tombstone since it’s so flat.

66. Sure it may be a cheesy poem, but it gets creepy real quick.

Yeah, I could see why your love may be taboo. Then again, being in love with a dead (or technically dead) person is understandable. This is why a lot of kids like Twilight despite that it's a romance between a teenage girl and a 107 year old guy who attends her local high school.

Yeah, I could see why your love may be taboo. Then again, being in love with a dead (or technically dead) person is understandable. This is why a lot of kids like Twilight despite that it’s a romance between a teenage girl and a 107 year old vampire guy who attends her local high school. I think I’d rather stick to Harold & Maude and Venus when it comes to May December romance stories pertaining to teenagers.

67. It seemed that Lola S. Holt was accepting of her fate by the end.

Of course, I don't understand why the life dates had to be screwed on. The birth one, especially. I mean one should at least be certain of that.

Of course, I don’t understand why the life dates had to be screwed on. The birth one, especially. I mean one should at least be certain of that.

68. Lester Mack Fender seemed to be a bit of a fixer upper in life as I could see.

Now I hope the guy didn't have some sort of screw loose before he kicked the bucket. Still, a wrench is a perfect tombstone for those Mr. Fixit types, isn't it?

Now I hope the guy didn’t have some sort of screw loose before he kicked the bucket. Still, a wrench is a perfect tombstone for those Mr. Fixit types, isn’t it?

69. Of course, how about place the deceased’s photo on the piano grave stone?

Yes, they put photos on graves stones back in 1911 though it's probably much more difficult and expensive than it is now. Same goes for the piano tombstone, which is a spinet, I believe.

Yes, they put photos on graves stones back in 1911 though it’s probably much more difficult and expensive than it is now. Same goes for the piano tombstone, which is a spinet, I believe.

70. Seems like this guy’s love for Star Wars lived on beyond the grave.

Then again, I bet his favorite Star Wars character was perhaps the wrinkly green guy who most people could imitate. Too bad this kid died before he could see Yoda kick ass in the prequels.

Then again, I bet his favorite Star Wars character was perhaps the wrinkly green guy who most people could imitate. Too bad this kid died before he could see Yoda kick ass in the prequels.

71. Some children’s graves have lambs, others have actual children on them.

I don't know about you, but does anyone else think these graves stones are incredibly creepy? Seriously, they are.

I don’t know about you, but does anyone else think these graves stones are incredibly creepy? Seriously, kiddie graves are scary enough but ones with babies in cribs or high chair, well, eek.

72. Two roads, one choice. Where will John Payn go now that he’s dead? Well, there’s only one way to find out.

Will John get to spend his eternal days in heaven or will he suffer the fate of eternal damnation? Stay tuned for more.....eventually.

Will John get to spend his eternal days in heaven or will he suffer the fate of eternal damnation? Stay tuned for more…..eventually.

73. For man’s best friend, how about a tombstone of Snoopy on his dog house?

Of course, a granite tombstone of Snoopy wouldn't necessarily be for a dog. I mean that would just be insane wouldn't it?

Of course, a granite tombstone of Snoopy wouldn’t necessarily be for a dog. I mean that would just be insane wouldn’t it?

74. Now a clothes pin tombstone isn’t what you’d see in every cemetery.

Now I kind of understand the notion of having tombstones of Spongebob, Snoopy, or a happy dolphin. But this? Well, I just have no clue why anyone would want a granite tombstone on their graves.

Now I kind of understand the notion of having tombstones of Spongebob, Snoopy, or a happy dolphin. But this? Well, I just have no clue why anyone would want a granite tombstone on their graves.

75. Someone seems to be a big fan of the Rolling Stones. At least it’s “Paint It Black.”

Now I'm sure a tombstone like this can't get no satisfaction among the guy's parents. Well, if they were like my grandparents and still alive so to speak.

Now I’m sure a tombstone like this can’t get no satisfaction among the guy’s parents. Well, if they were like my grandparents and still alive so to speak.

76. Have a drink on Karl Bratz.

The fact his grave has a keg makes me wonder if alcohol had anything to do with his death. Probably did.

The fact his grave has a keg makes me wonder if alcohol had anything to do with his death. Probably did.

77. Here lies Micah Green, a man surrounded by idiots.

Yes, he may have seen dumb people. But somehow he seemed quite relatable.

Yes, he may have seen dumb people. But he probably wasn’t too bright himself since he died at 16. Hope his death wasn’t his fault.

78. Of course, this tomb has everything on tap.

My guess this person owned a bar while alive. Because I know bartenders don't make a lot to have a tombstone like that.

My guess this person owned a bar while alive. Because I know bartenders don’t make a lot to have a tombstone like that.

79. If you want to reach your deceased loved one, call.

Of course, I really don't know the number to reach Heaven. Then again, you might have to die before you dial for the heavens.

Of course, I really don’t know the number to reach Heaven. Then again, you might have to die before you dial for the heavens.

80. Here lies Pauline J. Weinberg, loved more in death than in life.

Guess jerks have to die, too, you know. Wonder how her family wrote about her in her obituary.

Guess jerks have to die, too, you know. Wonder how her family wrote about her in her obituary.

NSFW Business Naming and Design

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

When it comes to starting a business, branding is everything. Branding is how businesses market their products and services to potential customers in a way that defines as well as advertises. Now one of the first ways to come up with a brand is in the business’s name. Think of how the name in many of the brands we see today defines the products and services in a lot of today’s enterprises. Still, to the aspiring entrepreneur, the business name could come in many different forms. Some could be just the name and the business you’re offering such as “Dan Paisley’s Auto Parts Store.” Some can be more creative like “Honest John’s Used Car Dealership” or “Handsome Greg’s Hardware Store.” Sometimes you can go with a clever name like many of the businesses in The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency Series like “Speedy Motors,” “Last Chance Salon,” or “The Handsome Men’s Go-Go Bar.” Yet, however you name your business, make sure it’s suited for a PG or G rated audience and defines what you’re selling. And even if you have a good business name, make sure it’s designed in aw way it doesn’t have unfortunate implications. Still, while there may be a lot of good business names out there, this isn’t the post for them. Rather it’s for those who probably should’ve considered hiring a marketing consultant but didn’t. So without further adieu, here are some bad business names and sign designs that may make you question what the hell the owner was thinking.

1. Doggy Style Pet Shop

I'm sure a great name for a pet store pertains to a sex position deriving from the idea of two dogs humping each other. Anyone who's been around dogs would know what that means.

I’m sure a great name for a pet store pertains to a sex position deriving from the idea of two dogs humping each other. Anyone who’s been around dogs would know what that means.

2. Megaflicks Video Store

While Megaflicks is a perfectly good name for a video store, perhaps the sci-fi font wasn't a good idea. Then again, this might be more appropriate sign for an adult film store.

While Megaflicks is a perfectly good name for a video store, perhaps the sci-fi font wasn’t a good idea. Then again, this might be more appropriate sign for an adult film store.

3. Know Knew Books Used Bookstore

What business owner sees as a clever pun, another sees the sign wondering if the person who designed it knows how to spell.

What business owner sees as a clever pun, another sees the sign wondering if the person who designed it knows how to spell.

4. Retarded Children’s Thrift Store

You may need to get a new business name if the one you currently have contains highly offensive term for mentally disabled people. Seriously, it's as bad as naming your football team the Redskins.

You may need to get a new business name if the one you currently have contains highly offensive term for mentally disabled people. Seriously, it’s as bad as naming your football team the Redskins.

5. Dong Welding

When choosing an appropriate name for a business, make sure yours doesn't refer to synonym for genitalia. Also, I'm sure this business name makes men cringe if they don't know anyone named Dong.

When choosing an appropriate name for a business, make sure yours doesn’t refer to synonym for genitalia. Also, I’m sure this business name makes men cringe if they don’t know anyone named Dong.

6. Stoner Drug Pharmacy

I'm sure "Stoner Drug" is a great name for a drugstore. I can see it now, "Stoner Drug: Our Stash Will Make You High." Hope this is just a medical marijuana dispensary.

I’m sure “Stoner Drug” is a great name for a drugstore. I can see it now, “Stoner Drug: Our Stash Will Make You High.” Hope this is just a medical marijuana dispensary.

7. Blood’s Seafood & Catering

Now while Blood may be a great name for a pirate captain, it's not so much for a seafood restauranteur.

Now while Blood may be a great name for a pirate captain, it’s not so much for a seafood restauranteur. Then again, you can say that for anything else other than pirate or serial killer.

8. Boring Business Systems

I'm sure if I hear if someone has "Boring" in their business name, that I might be interested in what they have to offer. Not.

I’m sure if I hear if someone has “Boring” in their business name, that I might be interested in what they have to offer. Not.

9. Hooker Cockram Construction Firm

From a comment on a Tumblr site Awkward Names: "Just found this company in our contact database. They have an employee called R. Wang. So there's a guy called R. Wang, working at a company that specialises in erections, called Hooker Cockram."

From a comment on a Tumblr site Awkward Names: “Just found this company in our contact database. They have an employee called R. Wang.
So there’s a guy called R. Wang, working at a company that specializes in erections, called Hooker Cockram.” It’s a construction company in Australia now known as just Cockram and they even have a website, too.

10. Goin’ Postal Shipping Center

Aside from being a name of a major shipping franchise, "going postal" also means becoming extremely or uncontrollably angry, often to the point of violence, and usually in a workplace environment. It gets its name from a bunch of post office incidents from 1986s onwards about postal workers attacking and killing their fellow employees and managers.

Aside from being a name of a major shipping franchise, “going postal” also means becoming extremely or uncontrollably angry, often to the point of violence, and usually in a workplace environment. It gets its name from a bunch of post office incidents from 1986 onwards about postal workers attacking and killing their fellow employees and managers.

11. The Barfer Shoppe Pet Food Store

Now this one gets its name from its slogan "Biologically Appropriate Raw Food for Cats and Dogs." Of course when I hear "barfer" I usually think of someone regurgitating food that's been digested.

Now this one gets its name from its slogan “Biologically Appropriate Raw Food for Cats and Dogs.” Of course when I hear “barfer” I usually think of someone regurgitating food that’s already been digested.

12. Poo-Ping Palace Thai Cuisine

This is a Thai restaurant in Australia. Still, I'm not sure what Poo-Ping means in Thai. Then again, perhaps this sign is just explaining what happens a few hours later.

This is a Thai restaurant in Australia. Still, I’m not sure what Poo-Ping means in Thai. Then again, perhaps this sign is just explaining what happens a few hours later. Either way, still pretty funny.

13. B. A. A. D. Carpet Care

Gets its name from its slogan, "'Best All Around Deal' Company." Still, if you have "bad" in your business name, I'm sure people wouldn't want to buy it.

Gets its name from its slogan, “‘Best All Around Deal’ Company.” Still, if you have “bad” in your business name, I’m sure people wouldn’t want to buy it.

14. The Tranny Shop Auto Transmission Repair Service

Of course, "tranny" here is supposed to be short for transmission. Yet, when everyone else here's the word, "tranny," they think of someone who's been through a sex change.

Of course, “tranny” here is supposed to be short for transmission. Yet, when everyone else here’s the word, “tranny,” they think of someone who’s been through a sex change.

15. B. J. Queen Enterprises LLC Mechanical Contractor

Now I supposed, "B. J." is the guy's name. And I also suppose that he hasn't seen the South Park episode with the Jonas Brothers. Oh, and I'm sure no girl in her right mind may want to be referred to as "B. J. Queen."

Now I supposed, “B. J.” is the guy’s name. And I also suppose that he hasn’t seen the South Park episode with the Jonas Brothers. Oh, and I’m sure no girl in her right mind may want to be referred to as “B. J. Queen.”

16. Bong’s Cleaners Dry Cleaning

For the businessman who needs his designer suit cleaned after he's smoked one. I guess this is a dry cleaning store in the "Rocky Mountain High" Colorado.

For the businessman who needs his designer suit cleaned after he’s smoked one. I guess this is a dry cleaning store in the “Rocky Mountain High” Colorado.

17. Butt Drilling Water Well Engineers

This is a water well engineering firm in New Zealand. Still, I wonder if they have a lot of assholes working for them. Then again, that business probably made them assholes.

This is a water well engineering firm in New Zealand. Still, I wonder if they have a lot of assholes working for them. Then again, that business probably made them assholes.

18. Bill Buttram Photography

Of course, the logo design doesn't deter much shits and giggles either. As someone said on Awkward Names, "Buttram, with a nice logo to show a demonstration as to what is being said :)."

Of course, the logo design doesn’t deter much shits and giggles either. As someone said on Awkward Names, “Buttram, with a nice logo to show a demonstration as to what is being said :).”

19. Cock Polishing Services

For the man searching for a clean and polished look for where the sun don't shine. Of course, this won't count for the guy living in a nudist colony.

For the man searching for a clean and polished look for where the sun don’t shine. Of course, this won’t count for the guy living in a nudist colony.

20. Cuchi’s Barbershop and Beauty Salon

Of course, when I hear the word, "Cuchi" I think of a family hair salon. Actually not really. Still, I wonder if this place does Brazilians.

Of course, when I hear the word, “Cuchi” I think of a family hair salon. Actually not really. Still, I wonder if this place does Brazilians.

21. Dick’s Pumping Concrete Service

Doesn't help that their slogan is, "We'll put our hose anywhere." Still, I wonder if this business also sells those pumps to old men with erectile dysfunction.

Doesn’t help that their slogan is, “We’ll put our hose anywhere.” Still, I wonder if this business also sells those pumps to old men with erectile dysfunction.

22. The Dress Barn Clothing Store

Now there's nothing wrong with the name. However, it's a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one's clientele livestock won't get them rushing to the door.

Now there’s nothing wrong with the name at first.
However, it’s a clothing store that caters to plus-sized women so calling one’s clientele livestock won’t get them rushing to the door.

23. Dykes Lumber Company

Probably the only Lumber Company facility in these parts that probably has speakers blasting to Melissa Etheridge music. Also, they even have their own website.

Probably the only Lumber Company facility in these parts that probably has speakers blasting to Melissa Etheridge music. Also, they even have their own website.

24. Family Beer & Liquor Store

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I'm sure they came up with "Family" just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don't think a place that sells alcoholic drinks should put "family" in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

This is a liquor store in Illinois. Now I’m sure they came up with “Family” just to give it a down home feel. Still, I don’t think a place that sells alcohol should put “family” in its name. Makes one wonder whether they sell schnapps for kindergarten kids or something.

25. P. C. P. Dining Chinese Restaurant

Possibly the Chinese restaurant that offers the trippiest food in the business. Said that the food is so good, you might want to rip off you clothes and bite your neighbor for some leftovers.

Possibly the Chinese restaurant that offers the trippiest food in the business. Said that the food is so good, you might want to rip off you clothes and bite your neighbor for some leftovers.

26. Gross Convenient Store

At least this place lives up to the reputation of most convenient stores. Let's just say people are scared enough of convenient store food as it is. Not to mention, "Gross," isn't a name you'd want to use on a business sign.

At least this place lives up to the reputation of most convenient stores. Let’s just say people are scared enough of convenient store food as it is. Not to mention, “Gross,” isn’t a name you’d want to use on a business sign.

27. Hindenburger Restaurant

Basically their burgers are said to taste so great, that you'd say "Oh, the humanity!" Seriously, why name a burger place after a 1937 aviation disaster?

Basically their burgers are said to taste so great, that you’d say “Oh, the humanity!” Seriously, why name a burger place after a 1937 aviation disaster? It’s like naming a business after the Titanic.

28. Nude Furniture Store

Basically this is a store for furniture without the covers. Nevertheless, while trying to look it up on Google Images, I got more pictures of naked women than this business.

Basically this is a store for furniture without the covers. Nevertheless, while trying to look it up on Google Images, I got more pictures of naked women than this business.

29. PMS Firearms

The gun store for those women experiencing that time of the month when they need to go on a homicidal rampage. Yeah, firearms, that's what all moody women need while on their periods.

The gun store for those women experiencing that time of the month when they need to go on a homicidal rampage. Yeah, firearms, that’s what all moody women need while on their periods.

30. Prom Discount Liquors Store

Because there always has to be the store where all the high school kids get their booze on the night that leads to more teens getting pregnant and contracting STDs than any other.

Because there always has to be the store where all the high school kids get their booze on the night that leads to more teens getting pregnant and contracting STDs than any other.

31. Hump It & Dump It Waste Removal and Demolitions

This is a business in Britain. Still, it's name can also be referred to as "one night stand." Yeah, not something that should be encouraged.

This is a business in Britain. Still, it’s name can also be referred to as “one night stand.” Yeah, not something that should be encouraged.

32. Spermies T-Shirt Design

Now seriously, what's with naming a T-shirt design business Spermies? Even worse, why is their mascot an actual sperm?

Now seriously, what’s with naming a T-shirt design business Spermies? Even worse, why is their mascot an actual sperm?

33. Butcher Family Funeral Home

Now I'm sure many people who go in there for a viewing are pleasantly surprised that the place doesn't remind them of anything related to Sweeny Todd.

Now I’m sure many people who go in there for a viewing are pleasantly surprised that the place doesn’t remind them of anything related to Sweeny Todd.

34. Booty’s House of Crabs Restaurant

I'm sure those crabs aren't the ones you get in your nether region. Still, this sign is just too dirty to ignore.

I’m sure those crabs aren’t the ones you get in your nether region. Still, this sign is just too dirty to ignore.

35. Dumploads OnUs Junk Removal Specialists

Of course, by dumping loads they mean junk, not poop. Still, I have to admit the business name certainly suits it.

Of course, by dumping loads they mean junk, not poop. Still, I have to admit the business name certainly suits it.

36. Vagina Tandoori Indian Cuisine

Now I'm sure restaurants from East Asia aren't the only ones with dirty names. Hope "vagina" doesn't mean anything inappropriate in Hindi. Then again, people in India speak a lot of different languages.

Now I’m sure restaurants from East Asia aren’t the only ones with dirty names. Hope “vagina” doesn’t mean anything inappropriate in Hindi. Then again, people in India speak a lot of different languages.

37. Fashion Do-Do Clothing Store

Basically this is the clothing store pertaining to wardrobe malfunctions. That, or designer clothes made from shit.

Basically this is the clothing store pertaining to wardrobe malfunctions. That, or designer clothes made from shit.

38. Hand Job Nails & Spa

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it's also where a man could get his dick manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it's on Castro Street in San Francisco.

Basically, this is a place where anyone can get a manicure, pedicure, and massage. Yet, it’s also where a man could get his junk manually stimulated. Nevertheless, it’s on Castro Street in San Francisco, home of Harvey Milk.

39. Dirty Dick’s Crab House

Let's hope the crabs you got from Dirty Dick's are the ones you ate on your plate. Of course, Dirty Dick may be laden with STDs for all you know. Still, seriously, why go with the STD angle on crab shacks? Come on.

Let’s hope the crabs you got from Dirty Dick’s are the ones you ate on your plate. Of course, Dirty Dick may be laden with STDs for all you know. Still, seriously, why go with the STD angle on crab shacks? Come on. Don’t you want people to bring their kids?

40. Analtech Thin Laser Chromatography

This is a technology company that makes laser chromatographic plates. However, the name is more appropriate for a tech company that makes probes that go all the way up in your ass.

This is a technology company that makes laser chromatographic plates. However, the name is more appropriate for a tech company that makes probes that go all the way up in your ass.

41. FAG Bearings Corporation

This is a ball bearings company in Germany and apparently FAG is an abbreviation for a German saying. Yet, in English, "fag" is short for "faggot," which is a derogatory slur to gay people.

This is a ball bearings company in Germany and apparently FAG is an abbreviation for a German saying. Yet, in English, “fag” is short for “faggot,” which is a derogatory slur to gay people.

42. Suck Bang Blow Restaurant and Saloon

Despite the name, it's probably not an Asian restaurant. Actually, it's a biker bar at Myrtle Beach believe it or not. Still, I bet this sign gets a lot of complaints from parents.

Despite the name, it’s probably not an Asian restaurant. Actually, it’s a biker bar at Myrtle Beach believe it or not. Still, I bet this sign gets a lot of complaints from parents.

43. Pho King Way Noodles & Grill

Now this is one of more dirty named Asian restaurants. This one is Vietnamese. Sometimes I wonder why these Asian establishments have such names as a joke or something.

Now this is one of more dirty named Asian restaurants. This one is Vietnamese. Sometimes I wonder why these Asian establishments have such names as a joke or something.

44. The Chocolate Log Confectionary and Coffee Shop

Now there are great names for a candy and coffee store. Yet, I'm sure "chocolate log" isn't one of them because it's another word for "shit."

Now there are great names for a candy and coffee store. Yet, I’m sure “chocolate log” isn’t one of them because it’s another word for “shit.”

45. Ho-Made Restaurant

Now the "Eat In" and "Carry Out" slogan seem to give "Ho-Made" a whole new meaning. Then again "Ho-Made" is said to be short for "homemade" yet we all know what a "ho" is.

Now the “Eat In” and “Carry Out” slogan seem to give “Ho-Made” a whole new meaning. Then again “Ho-Made” is said to be short for “homemade” yet doesn’t make the sign sound less dirty does it?

46. S & M Mini Mall

S & M Mini Mall: the shopping center that caters to all your BDSM needs. I bet this is the ultimate shopping destination for the dominatrix where she could buy a gimp suit and the latest designer cat o' nine tails.

S & M Mini Mall: the shopping center that caters to all your BDSM needs. I bet this is the ultimate shopping destination for the dominatrix where she could buy a gimp suit and the latest designer cat o’ nine tails.

47. Stiff Nipples Air Conditioning Service

Because you never know when you'll need a cooling service that would make your house so cold that it hurts the sensitive regions of your chest.

Because you never know when you’ll need a cooling service that would make your house so cold that it hurts the sensitive regions of your chest.

48. Big Dick’s Halfway Inn Resort

Doesn't help when it's slogan is "Home of the Original Minnow Shot." Also, the arrow just kills me. Still, name of a restaurant and bar in Missouri.

Doesn’t help when it’s slogan is “Home of the Original Minnow Shot.” Also, the arrow just kills me. Still, name of a restaurant and bar in Missouri.

49. The Sweet Dairy Air Shop

Of course, while it may be a store for dairy products, the name sounds like another word for butt. Doesn't help that there's something phallic about that sheep.

Of course, while it may be a store for dairy products, the name sounds like another word for butt. Doesn’t help that there’s something phallic about that sheep.

50. Toylet Anime and Airsoft

Where anime comics and airsoft make good company. Still, I could understand anime comics at least in manga form but airsoft guns? I mean how do you play paint ball when you're sitting on the commode?

Where anime comics and airsoft make good company. Still, I could understand anime comics at least in manga form but airsoft guns? I mean how do you play paint ball when you’re sitting on the commode?

51. Herpes Pizza

Where you order pizza once and pay for it over the rest of your life. I heard the extra sores special is sensational. Still, what's with the corn ear on the sign? Seriously, what does corn have to do with pizza?

Where you order pizza once and pay for it over the rest of your life. I heard the extra sores special is sensational. Still, what’s with the corn ear on the sign? Seriously, what does corn have to do with pizza?

52. Cabbages & Condoms Thai Restaurant

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex? Then again, it's in Bangkok.

Seriously, what do cabbages and condoms have to do with Thai food? Is this place trying to promote healthy eating habits and safe sex at the same time? Then again, it’s in Bangkok.

53. Hooker’s Funeral Home

Well, it has to be nice that there's a funeral that takes in all those poor sex workers who've been killed on cop shows. Their viewings must be very interesting.

Well, it has to be nice that there’s a funeral that takes in all those poor sex workers who’ve been killed on cop shows. Their viewings must be very interesting.

54. Kids Exchange

Never underestimate the value of spacing. If two close, the words, "kids exchange" may read "kid sex change." Yeah, it happens.

Never underestimate the value of spacing. If two close, the words, “kids exchange” may read “kid sex change.” Yeah, it happens.

55. Mammoth Erection Scaffolders

Remember this is a construction company, not what old man gets when he's had too many Viagra. Still, if you call this company asking for long, firm poles, they may hang up on you.

Remember this is a construction company, not what old man gets when he’s had too many Viagra. Still, if you call this company asking for long, firm poles, they may hang up on you.

56. Curl Up & Dye Hair Salon

If Sweeny Todd could expand into the beauty parlor business, this would be the perfect name for it. Still, I'm sure people don't want to have any thoughts about death while getting their haircut, especially after watching Sweeny Todd.

If Sweeny Todd could expand into the beauty parlor business, this would be the perfect name for it. Still, I’m sure people don’t want to have any thoughts about death while getting their haircut, especially after watching Sweeny Todd.

57. Badcock Home Furniture & More

Now this would be one of the most ironic places for a man to be caught with his pants down. Ironically, it's a store chain in the South, which means perhaps the place where David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards bought their dining chairs.

Now this would be one of the most ironic places for a man to be caught with his pants down. Ironically, it’s a store chain in the South, which means perhaps the place where David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and John Edwards bought their dining chairs. Then again, you may not know who these guys are.

58. The Dirty Hoe Garden Shed

Finally, a perfect place for lonely men to get petunias, fertilizer, and a watering can for their mothers as well as a female escort for themselves.

Finally, a perfect place for lonely men to get petunias, fertilizer, and a watering can for their mothers as well as a female escort for themselves. Well, if they’re into that sort of thing and can live with the STDs for the rest of their lives.

59. Barf Bed & Breakfast

Heard they have excellent guest accommodations but the food is just disgusting. I mean it's bad enough to make you puke if you know what I mean. Still, you might want to eat out if you ever stop there.

Heard they have excellent guest accommodations but the food is just disgusting. I mean it’s bad enough to make you puke if you know what I mean. Still, you might want to eat out if you ever stop there.

60. Blue Balls Boutique

Now here's a nice little boutique for all the guys who are saving it for marriage, thinking about entering a monastery or priesthood, or men who just aren't getting any right now.

Now here’s a nice little boutique for all the guys who are saving it for marriage, thinking about entering a monastery or priesthood, or men who just aren’t getting any right now.

61. Knobs & Knockers Door Accessories

While this may be a cute name for a door accessories or hardware store, it's also a very appropriate name for a sex shop. I mean I've seen Young Frankenstein, when Gene Wilder says, "What knockers!" And Inga goes, "Oh, thank you, doctor."

While this may be a cute name for a door accessories or hardware store, it’s also a very appropriate name for a sex shop. I mean I’ve seen Young Frankenstein, when Gene Wilder says, “What knockers!” And Inga goes, “Oh, thank you, doctor.”

62. S. T. D. Central Flea Market

Where you come for the cheap crap you pay for the rest of your life on antibiotics and safe sex. Perhaps I should pass this resale shop if I ever come across it.

Where you come for the cheap crap you pay for the rest of your life on antibiotics and safe sex. Perhaps I should pass this resale shop if I ever come across it.

63. Pee & Poo Food & Drink

Please let this be an Asian restaurant and not some reflection of the fare this business has to offer. Because that would be disgusting.

Please let this be an Asian restaurant and not some reflection of the fare this business has to offer. Because that would be disgusting beyond all reason.

64. Shemale Hair Salon

Let's just hope this salon's "body works" and "fast altercations" don't pertain to a quick sex reassignment surgery. Because I'm perfectly fine with being a woman, thank you.

Let’s just hope this salon’s “body works” and “fast altercations” don’t pertain to a quick sex reassignment surgery. Because I’m perfectly fine with being a woman, thank you.

65. Pussy Cleaners Dry Cleaning

Finally, the place where I can take my formalwear to be dry cleaned and have my private parts cleaned at the same time. Then again, I usually clean my nether regions myself in the shower, thank you very much.

Finally, the place where I can take my formal wear to be dry cleaned and have my private parts cleaned at the same time. Then again, I usually clean my nether regions myself in the shower, thank you very much.

66. Menlove Dental Practice

If you're a straight man, then going to this dentist might give the words "open wide" and "it's just a little prick" a whole disturbing new subtext.

If you’re a straight man, then going to this dentist might give the words “open wide” and “it’s just a little prick” a whole disturbing new subtext.

67. Camel Towing Removal Service

Whether it's clearing a tree down the road or relieving a woman from the embarrassment of showing her crotch in really tight pants, these are the guys for you.

Whether it’s clearing a tree down the road or relieving a woman from the embarrassment of showing her crotch in really tight pants, these are the guys for you.

68. Fuk Mi Sushi Bar & Seafood Buffet

Now this Japanese restaurant has everything such as sushi, seafood, and an escort service to boot. Still, what a terrible name.

Now this Japanese restaurant has everything such as sushi, seafood, and an escort service to boot. Still, what a terrible name.

69. Long Poo Gas Supplies

Whether it's methane, propane, or whatever's coming from your rear end, these people got it all. Nevertheless, proceed with caution since natural gas is flammable and doesn't solve global warming at all.

Whether it’s methane, propane, or whatever’s coming from your rear end, these people got it all. Nevertheless, proceed with caution since natural gas is flammable and does nothing to stop global warming.

70. Hammered Liquor Store

May not be the most appropriate business name, but it fits. Yes, liquor and alcohol will get you hammered if you drink enough of it.

May not be the most appropriate business name, but it fits. Yes, liquor and alcohol will get you hammered if you drink enough of it.

71. Scandinavian Sun Tanning Salon

Sure Scandinavian people have good tans, yet understand that some places in Scandinavia don't get sunshine during certain times of the year. So it's kind of a stretch.

Sure Scandinavian people have good tans, yet understand that some places in Scandinavia don’t get sunshine during certain times of the year. So it’s kind of a stretch.

72. Sherrill’s Eat Here and Get Gas Rest Stop

I know this is a rest stop, but the word "gas" has another meaning than just fuel for the car. Remind me not to order anything with beans at this place if you know what I mean.

I know this is a rest stop, but the word “gas” has another meaning than just fuel for the car. Remind me not to order anything with beans at this place if you know what I mean.

73. Brick Furniture Store

Let's just say, you wouldn't expect a anything from Brick Furniture to be very comfortable. In fact, quite the opposite.

Let’s just say, you wouldn’t expect a anything from Brick Furniture to be very comfortable. In fact, quite the opposite.

74. Tom Raper RVs

Now having your own name in the business is fine but not if your name is Raper. This is especially true when you sell RVs.

Now having your own name in the business is fine but not if your name is Raper. This is especially true when you sell RVs.

75. Killer for Hire Exterminators

This is an exterminator business, yet you wouldn't know it by the presentation, which suggests a completely different service. I'm sure this business will take care of those unwanted pests at and will make you an offer you can't refuse.

This is an exterminator business, yet you wouldn’t know it by the presentation, which suggests a completely different service. I’m sure this business will take care of those unwanted pests at and will make you an offer you can’t refuse.