Later that night, two figures emerge from a distance consisting of a young girl named Finn and an old woman named Erewhon who bring the Baudelaires food and ask them not to tell Ishmael. Because they already keep so many secrets from one another like teaching each other how to do things without their Dear Leader having any idea. Guess they don’t mind him sitting all day in a tent with his feet covered in clay. But why do these two want the kids to keep mum this time? Because they’re planning a mutiny seeing Ishamel as the root of their troubles that they’ve put up with for far too long. So they’re devising to put him and his supporters on the outrigger on Decision Day. And they let the children know since Ishmael had them abandoned. But since they’ve only been on the island for a few days, they’re not sure what side they should be on. So Finn and Erewhon decide to bargain with the Baudelaires by promising that they’ll get Kit somewhere safe while the kids fetch weapons from the arboretum. The children agree despite Kit’s protests.

For Erewhon and Finn, I decided to go with a surf song such as the Beach Boys’ “Help Me, Rhonda” in which a guy asks a girl to be with him so he can get over his ex who cheated on him. Though it’s an upbeat 1960s surf melody since you can’t really have sad surf songs. In this version, I have Erewhon and Finn try to convince the Baudelaires to help them stage a mutiny.

“Help Us, Children”

Sung by Finn and Erewhon

Finn:
We brought you some food so promise not to tell Ishmael
We keep many secrets from him, but now we’d like to give him hell

Well, Ishmael he’s such a turd (such a turd)
So swear you won’t leak out any word
So you please help us children
Help us commit our own mutiny

Help us children
Help, help us children
Help me children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children yeah
Aid us in our mutiny

Erewhon:
Ishmael’s the root of our strife
We want him off the island
Can you please help us get some weapons?
And go help with our plans

We’ll get Kit to someplace safe (someplace safe)
Do Ishmael will be out on Decision Day
So you please help us children
Help us commit our own mutiny

Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children yeah
Aid us in our mutiny

Both:
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help me children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children
Help, help us children
Help us children yeah
Aid us in our mutiny

Just as the Baudelaires paralyzed over making a decision whether to let Count Olaf out of his cage or leave him, Kit wakes up wondering where they are. Violet clarifies that they’re on an island coastal shelf. But they don’t want to give her too much like they’ve been abandoned, that the islander’s rejected them, and that the coast is due to flood soon. But Kit seems to have some idea since she’s heard about this place. Apparently, she describes it as nothing like the Baudelaires experienced it since she mentions an enormous library, mechanical wonders, and gourmet meals. She heard one associate say that he ate the best Oyster Rockefellers he had there. So she surmises that the kids must have a wonderful time. Except they’re not. Though Kit does mention a schism on the island and someone named Thursday. The Baudelaires then come clean about the fire but distract her about Count Olaf being with them when Kit asks about Dewey. Because Dewey is dead. However, Kit can’t get down from the book stack due to her injured feet.

For this part, I went with the Harry McClintock version of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain” which describes a hobo’s paradise in a modern version of a medieval Cockaigne. McClintock claimed to have written the song in 1895 based on his youthful exploits as a hobo in the US. Yet, some believe at least the song’s aspects have been around for far longer. Nonetheless, his 1928 recorded version is cleaned up from the one he sang in the 1890s which includes a stanza in which the protagonist finds the whole big rock candy mountain is a lie and suggests the hobo using such tale to rape him. In this version, I have Kit Snicket describe the island in this book that she knew as a paradise it no longer is.

“The Big Rock Candy Island”

Sung by Kit Snicket

One evening as the sun went down
And the jungle fire was burning,
Had a cup with a man named Thursday
Said of the Best Oyster Rockerfellers
He returned from a land that’s far away
Beyond the crystal fountains
While adrift at sea, best you go see
The Big Rock Candy Island

In the Big Rock Candy Island
There’s a land that’s fair and bright,
Where the roses grow on bushes
And you sleep out every night
Where the gadgets all are wondrous
And the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees
And the horseradish trees
The beautiful spring
When the bluebirds sing
In the Big Rock Candy Island
In the Big Rock Candy Island
Your meals are high gourmet
Help yourself to its vast library
Where you kids can read in all day
The central trees are full of fruit
Pick the apples where you may
Oh, I damn well hope
You’re giving a go
To its seafood bar
And dinner show
In the Big Rock Candy Island

In the Big Rock Candy Island
They make so much stuff with junk
From its metal abstract sculptures
To its devices of steampunk
The arboretum’s a stunning sight
You must have a wondrous time
There’s bluefin stew
And some Cape Cod, too
You can paddle all around ’em
In a big canoe
In the big Rock Candy Island

In the Big Rock Candy Island
There’s so much that washes in
You can surely have your pick
As soon as it comes in
There aren’t no unpleasant cordials
No bland meals of raw fish
You must enjoy your stay
Where you read all day
Where they’d hang the Turk
Who’s a complete jerk
In the Big Rock Candy Island

You must be having quite a ball
In the Big Rock Candy Island

Count Olaf then claims that he wasn’t just waiting for the Baudelaires to arrive in his clutches. For he’s been doing terrible shit all his life and knows things they can’t even imagine. Of course, this isn’t surprising, but Lemony Snicket does give details in his Unauthorized Autobiography. The kids claim they’re not interested, but he’s aware that they want to know more since they’ve always been curious children. After all, the Baudelaires were raised to be curious and get into situations which they probably could’ve gotten out of if they didn’t have the curiosity to find out and get to the bottom of things (like saving their friends or solving their problems). And they certainly want to know what makes their archenemy tick as well as how involved the Baudelaire parents were in bringing him to where he is now. Nonetheless, it’s pretty clear that Olaf is tempting the Baudelaires into letting him so they run round the large book stack and try to come up with a different plan. Yet, you have to wonder if they’ll go along with Olaf like in the Penultimate Peril.

Anyway, since I know that Count Olaf is a braggart, I used Warren Zevon’s “Mr. Bad Example,” which is about a man who’s basically cut from the same cloth from him. Yet, I took out some of the lyrics involving the guy swindling the bald and hiding out in some Third World country. In this version, I left a lot of the original intact since despite that I’m not sure if Olaf served as an altar boy or worked in his dad’s carpet store, you can totally see him doing these things. Yet, I also put some stuff about his acting career and V.F.D.

“Mr. Bad Example” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Count Olaf

I started as an altar boy, working at the church
Learning all my holy moves, doing some research
Which led me to a cash box, labeled “Children’s Fund”
I’d leave the change, and tuck the bills inside my cummerbund

I got a part-time job at my father’s carpet store
Laying tackless stripping, and housewives by the score
I loaded up their furniture, and took it to Spokane
And auctioned off every last Naugahyde divan

I’m very well acquainted with the seven deadly sins
I keep a busy schedule trying to fit them in
I’m proud to be a glutton, and I don’t have time for sloth
I’m greedy, and I’m angry, and I don’t care who I cross

I’m Mr. Bad Example, intruder in the dirt
I like to have a good time, and I don’t care who gets hurt
I’m Mr. Bad Example, take a look at me
I’ll live to be a hundred, and go down in infamy

I then went to drama school took a theater degree
And driven all my colleagues to mad insanity
Then strangled some bishop, threw a widow off a cliff
Before escaping prison in ten minutes after being stiffed

Then on to Monte Carlo to play chemin de fer
I threw away the fortune I stole under the Montclairs
I put my last few francs down on a prostitute
Who took me up to her room to perform the flag salute

Whereupon I stole her passport and her wig
And headed for the airport and the midnight flight, you dig?
And fourteen hours later I was down in Adelaide
Raking through the rich folks drinking Merlot in the shade

I set fire to my critics who panned me too many times
Often killed kids’ parents, mainly in disguise
Whenever I steal their fortunes, I take a whopping cut
I whisked away my troupe’s earned comp and pauperize the lot

I’m Mr. Bad Example, intruder in the dirt
I like to have a good time, and I don’t care who gets hurt
I’m Mr. Bad Example, take a look at me
I’ll live to be a hundred and go down in infamy

I started V.F.D.’s schism for my noxious airs
And started several fires none the worse for wear
I’m thinking of exposing them all to these helmet spores
And stealing their outrigger and leave the island’s shores

The Baudelaires are shocked that they’ve been abandoned on the coastal shelf that night with a crazy villain, a friendly snake, and an unconscious pregnant woman on a pile of books. Though they start making plans for living there, Klaus points out they’ll be covered in a Decision Day tide. So they consider to make a boat for themselves as the tide rises for Kit managed it. But that doesn’t mean it would work for them. Yet, as they try to plan a way to get Kit down from her raft of books, a caged Count Olaf pipes up that he has a plan. However, he’s not going to tell them unless the kids let him out. Though he gives hints like trying to oust Ishmael from his “Olaf-land,” stealing the outrigger, and threatening islanders with the dreaded Medusoid Mycelium. He also tells the children to check what fell out of the facilitator’s sleeve which is found to be an apple core, proving that he’s hiding things and sneaking off to the arboretum.

The song I went with here is “The Court of Miracles” from Disney’s Hunchback of Notre Dame where Phoebus and Quasimodo find themselves ambushed by Romani for intruding their hideaway. Despite that the two men came to warn Esmeralda and her people that Frollo knows where they’re hiding and plans to attack at dawn with a thousand men. However, Frollo just follows the two and arrests them right there since he just let it slip to Quasimodo that he knows so he’d feel compelled to lead him to it. The song consists of Clopin singing on how he plans to kill Phoebus and Quasimodo for simply being there. Thank God, Esmeralda convinces them that they’re friends for a time.

“Count Olaf’s Plea”

Sung by Count Olaf

Count Olaf:
I’ve got a plan to dupe that old piece of shit
Just let me out of this prison
I’ll share it with you
This beach will be flooded on Decision Day
And well, you’re screwed
Ishmael’s thrown you out
Kit’s laid on the stack
And you can’t get out
So you might as well
Stick out with me for awhile
Of course, I’m trying to trick you orphans!
That’s the way of the world nowadays, kids
We all got our schemes and secrets
With which we use on who we try to outwit

Ishmael outwitted me, put me in this cage
But I can outsmart him and his island folks
If you let me out, I can be king of Olaf-Land
And you three can serve me as my new henchfolk
So we agree?

Klaus: No way. We just want to be safe.

Count Olaf:
Nowhere in the world’s safe

That idiot judges what’s on the shore

Violet:
Yes, we all know

Count Olaf:
Come on, kids!

Klaus:
You’re an ass!

Count Olaf:
So what?

Sunny:
Dang!

Count Olaf:
Ishmael is equally treacherous
Just look what fell out of his sleeve
Now you’ll see what I mean

When Ishmael appears to the coastal shelf, things tart getting interesting. Count Olaf tries to fool him with his Kit Snicket shtick, but Ishmael isn’t falling for it. Instead, tears off the seaweed wig of Olaf’s head and locks him up in a giant birdcage. Olaf is obviously pissed at this treatment since people usually let him get away with his stupid disguises and now he can’t have things his own way. But just as the colonists tell him that he’s been treacherous while the Baudelaires have been good, Olaf points out that Sunny has a whisk in her pocket, prompting the children to come clean about what they’re hiding. Ishmael reacts with, “We took you in with the goodness in our hearts and this is what you do to us?” Though public pressure convinces him to let them stay. Until the Baudelaires mention that a poor pregnant Kit Snicket is on the book raft, which Count Olaf announces she’s his girlfriend. Klaus obviously denies this. Ishmael then accuses the children of rocking the boat again and decides to abandon them unless they play by the rules. And Decision Day is approaching. But while the other islanders reluctantly go ahead with their resident Jim Jones, something falls from Ishmael’s sleeve and lands into a puddle.

Once again, I return to Les Miserables with “The Confrontation” in which Javert tells Jean Valjean he knows who he is and is trying to arrest him while Jean is begging him to give him 3 days so he can find Cosette after her mother’s death. And it ends with Valjean threatening Javert. In this version, I have Ishmael put Count Olaf in a cage, take the Baudelaires’ items, and abandon the kids for the night.

“The Cage”

Ishmael:
Olaf, at last,
I see we meet at last

Count Olaf:
I’m Kit Snicket
I’m not a man, you ass

Ishmael:
This is just a seaweed wig, Olaf
Grab him and throw him in the cage
Lock him up tight! For he is an evil man.

Islanders:
Count Olaf has been a treacherous man
The Baudelaires have been righteous as we see

Count Olaf:
If so, you say, then what’s that on Sunny?

Violet:
Well, it’s a whisk, Klaus has a book,
I’ve a ribbon…

Ishmael:
We taught you the rules!
Which you have chosen to ignore
We took you in with all our hearts
You weren’t kind in turn

(In Counterpoint)

Violet:
Believe of us what you will

Friday:
The wild sheep can take everything here
Nobody thinks it’s unkind
Except, you on this land, Ish

Klaus:
There’s a woman on the stack

Count Olaf:
She’s my girlfriend, Kit Snicket

Klaus:
She’s not for I know this bastard
Well

Violet:
What are you accusing us?

Klaus:
Do you even have a heart?

Violet:
There are urgent matters here

Klaus:
Who cares if we rock the boat.

Violet:
This poor woman needs our help

Klaus:
Ishmael, you have gone too far

Violet:
Why would you leave her drown?

Klaus:
What’s fallen from your robe?

Ishmael (in counterpoint):
Baudelaires, I’ll let you stay
But you must abide our ways
Books,
To the arboretum
Don’t rock the boat – again, kids,
Right?
We never had all of this fuss
Before you three kids all washed up
Leave the woman with Olaf
D-Day will be coming fast
The coastal shelf will soon flood
I won’t force you to go back
But you will drown within the mud
Please help me towards my tent
Don’t mind what I had dropped
Baudelaires, you all stay ashore
Others here, the choice is yours

Violet:
We will stay with her tonight

Count Olaf:
There is no place for you to hide

Klaus:
This situation is so unfair

Count Olaf:
I shouldn’t even be in here

Violet:
Ishmael is such a fascist guy

Violet and Klaus:
I swear to her, I will be there!

When the Baudelaires are out scavenging on the island for useful junk Ishmael would approve of, they find a giant raft of books with an unconscious and very pregnant Kit Snicket on top. However, Count Olaf emerges from behind in a ridiculous Kit Snicket disguise. And guess what he has for a pregnant belly. Yep, the Medusoid Mycelium diving helmet which he intends to deploy as a biological weapon to kill everyone within an hour. Yet, before the children could act, the islanders show up to check up on the junk. However, unlike in the previous book where the adults fall for Olaf’s disguise and hang by his every word hook, line, and sinker, the colonists aren’t falling for it no matter how hard he tries to convince them. Then Olaf throws a wrench saying that the massive pile of books is a library which Ishmael believes is nothing but trouble. So they try pushing the pile of books on the beach until Klaus and the resident vet tell them that it may not be the safest course of action. And since the islanders can’t think for themselves, they’ll need to get their Dear Leader Ishmael. So they decide to get him to the coast by his sheep pulled sleigh. In the meantime, as they fetch the guy, the islanders leave Friday in charge of guarding him. Like you’d trust a grade school kid with guarding a psychopath.

The song for this scene I ripped off of was Evita’s “Peron’s Latest Flame” in which the Army and the Argentine upper crust express their disapproval of Colonel Juan Peron’s new actress girlfriend Eva Duarte. Even more so since he’s publicly admitted political ambitions to the presidency. But Eva doesn’t care. In this version, I have the Baudelaires and the castaways find Kit Snicket and Count Olaf in his flimsy disguise as her.

“At the Coastal Shelf”

Violet: At the coastal shelf after the second storm
I detect a strong interest for
Klaus: Precisely
Violet: A large raft of books
Klaus: I’m glad you noticed

Violet: The books on shore look rather poor
Klaus: I see a foot
Violet: With a V.F.D. eye ankle tattoo
And a large pregnant bulge
Klaus: And it’s Kit Snicket

Violet:
God, is that Count Oaf dressed as Kit Snicket?
A brand-new look he’s had plenty of time to perfect
But it’s shoddier than any old disguises
He’s clearly got a new hewn plan, I suspect

Klaus: I think I know what he’s got in store
A helmet full of deadly spores
Violet: Exactly
Klaus: Olaf’s latest plan
Violet: You said it brother

Klaus:
Looks like all of the colonists
Approaching the latest mess
The whole thing’s insane

Violet:
That isn’t funny

Islanders:
Olaf’s a tool, thinks we can be fooled
Disguised as a pregnant girl with stubble
This isn’t working, oh good God
We guess Friday’s right about this Olaf guy
He’s no welcomed guest since he’s quite unkind
Someone show him to the shore

The evidence suggests
He’s got evil interests
We can all see through him
He’s exceptionally dim
Cock! Dangerous man

Count Olaf:
There’s a massive bookstack onshore
It’s a large library I’m so sure
Thought that you’d folks like to know
Would like to see how this thing goes

Islanders:
Ish has always said, libraries just lead to troubled hell
Can’t decide anything for ourselves, we need our Ishmael
But if he were here, we’d know what facilitator would sure beseech
He’d tell us libraries are trouble, implore we push the bookstack on the beach

Klaus:
You’re not taking the safest course of action here

Dr. Kurtz:
There’s a pregnant woman on top of the stack there

Islanders:
Must get Ishmael to the shelf
Pull him here with the sheep and the sleigh
Please guard him for awhile when we go off, Friday

Violet:
Do you think this will go well?

Friday:
Ish will sort this all out soon

Count Olaf:
I still possess the gun harpoon
So you should all just play along
Else something will go quite wrong

Friday:
No! Dangerous man

Count Olaf:
It’s just really hard surviving on the island

Friday:
You can stay if you can get along, Count Olaf

Violet:
What the fuck did you just say, Friday?

Klaus:
Give him an inch, he’ll give hell to pay

Count Olaf:
Here, Baudelaires, take the harpoon gun

Klaus:
Sorry, but we’re not falling for that one

Friday:
We must wait for the colonists
Please, Baudelaires, can you please tell me, what these books are

Klaus:
You’ve never seen one

Friday:
Professor Fletcher taught all the kids to read and write
But he teaches us all out of old Ishmael’s sight
I practice from time to time

Hope I can keep some of the books

Klaus:
Ish won’t force you if he could

Friday:
He’ll think I’m all full of crap

Klaus:
Can try some peer pressure back

Friday:
Well, take a load of this

Violet:
Is it who we think it is?

Klaus:
Great seeing you, old snake

Violet:
It’s been long since Lousy Lane

Klaus:
It was one of the Uncle Monty’s snakes
It’s quite harmless despite its name

Count Olaf:
This world is such a damn wicked place

Violet:
While old Ishmael’s coming with a big cage

Since castaways accept the Baudelaires and don’t treat them like criminals, the children fess up and drink the coconut cordial despite that it’s an alcoholic drink which makes them a bit out of it a.k.a. drunk. And I suppose they wake hungover in the morning, too. But at least the booze doesn’t enable them to reveal the items they kept from Ishmael. They even have jobs, too. Violet works in the laundry. Klaus packs Ishmael’s feet with clay. Sunny works in the kitchen, which is easy for her since the food takes minimal preparation and gives her a lot of free time. Though for an aspiring toddler chef, the work is just plain drudgery.  Though life on the island is bearable since there’s no Count Olaf or V.F.D. battle in sight, things aren’t a bed of roses. Ishmael is anti-books which means he’s a bad man and the Baudelaires miss libraries, especially the book-loving Klaus. Not to mention, they spend a lot of time apart doing boring work with barely anything to look forward to, particularly for the Baudelaire sisters. Sunny can’t experiment with new food combinations. Violet can’t even invent a water filtration system to bring fresh water to the island. And the time they can truly hang out together is in a midst of another storm.

The song I decided to go with is “That Would Be Enough” from Hamilton, in which Eliza tells Alex she’s pregnant and wants him to be alive while her husband is fretting over not being rich enough to provide for her. But Eliza doesn’t mind since she’s married to the man she loves and wants him to stay. However, Alex will eventually have to return to Yorktown. In this version, I have the Baudelaires contemplate about their new lives on the island.

“That Would Be Enough” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Look around, look around at how lucky we are
To be alive right now
Look around, look around…

Klaus:
How long we’ve been here?

Violet:
Few days or so

Klaus:
Violet, I miss the libraries

Violet:
Ish won’t give my good ideas any go

Klaus:
Ugh

Violet:
At least Olaf’s not around

Klaus:
Ishmael is forceful

Violet:
I’m not sorry

Klaus:
Though he just says
He’s not forcing us

Violet:
But everyone’s happy to accept all of us
Look around, look around at how lucky we are
To be alive right now.

Klaus:
This life’s not
Fun.

Violet:
Got a good idea for saltwater filtration
Which Ishmael doesn’t even want

Klaus:
The food has no spice
Look around, look around…

Violet:
Look at where we are
Look at where we started
The fact that we’re alive is a miracle
Just stay alive, that would be enough

Klaus:
There’s no V.F.D.
Out battling their own enemies
We’re all far from there, on this small island!
That would be enough

Violet:
I don’t pretend to know
The challenges we’re facing
The thoughts we keep erasing and creating in our minds

But I’m not afraid
We know how we’re living
So long as we come home at the end of the day
That would be enough

Klaus:
We don’t need a legacy
We don’t need money
If we can have some peace of mind
If we could do the things we all love…

Oh, let this be a part of the narrative
In the story they will write someday
Let this moment be a new chapter:
Where we decide to stay
And it could be enough
And we could be enough
That would be enough

Before things get too awkward, Miranda Caliban shows up to let everyone know that lunch is ready which is ceviche. What’s that? Well, it’s a raw seafood dish from South America. Since the Baudelaires haven’t eaten anything for awhile, they dig in with their sporks (since knives and forks can be used as weapons according to Ishmael). By the way, they eat ceviche for lunch every day along with seaweed salad for breakfast and onion soup with wild grass for dinner. Oh, and they don’t use spices on their food either so it’s pretty bland. Because Ishmael doesn’t believe in spices so any washed up are taken up to the arboretum. As Miranda and Ishmael toast the Baudelaires with their coconut cordial, Friday lets the kids know she wants them to stay forever. The children aren’t so sure due to Ishmael’s authoritarian demagoguery as well as his bullying and manipulating the other castaways to do what he wants.

For the song, I went with “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast. In the original version Belle spends her first meal at the Beast’s castle with magical inanimate objects bringing her a lavish dinner and a show. Of course, the Baudelaires don’t enjoy a meal that’s nearly as magical as that one. Yet, at least they’re not in hostage situation to a guy who intends to date them. Though they really don’t have anywhere else to go and the islanders seem to be happy with them. But that’s why I’d use that song as a parody.

“Be Our Guest” (ASOUE Version)

Miranda:
Ma Cherie Baudelaires, it is with deepest pride
And greatest pleasure that we welcome you today
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a
chair as the dining room proudly presents – your luncheon!

Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin ’round your neck, children
And we provide the rest
Here’s your sporks
Just ceviche
Why, it’s all because of Ish
Try the grey stuff
It’s delicious!
You don’t believe me? Well, it’s fishes
Don’t have much
It’s all bland
On this island, eat what you can
While the dishes here are always second best
It’s not much of a menu
Take a glass and then you’ll
Be our guest
Oui, our guest
Be our guest

Miranda and Islanders:
Not much food
In our way
The same three meals a day

Miranda:
We’ll prepare without some flair
No culinary cabaret!
You’re alone
And you’re scared
But our ceviche’s all prepared
No one’s gloomy or complaining
We’re all castaways remaining
We tell jokes
We do tricks
Though with the word from Ish

Islanders:
And it’s all in perfect taste
That you can bet
Come on and lift your glass
As long as the best cordial lasts
To be our guest

Miranda:
If you’re stressed
Not much dining as you guess

Miranda and Chorus:
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!

Miranda:
Life is so unnerving
On an island so deserted
Not really not much to do around here
Ah, those good old days when I was happy
Suddenly those good old days are gone
Ten years I’ve been rusting
Needing so much more than dusting
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills
Most days we just lay around the island
Flabby, fat and lazy
You walked in and oops-a-daisy!

Friday:
It’s a guest!
It’s a guest!
Sakes alive, well I’ll be blessed!
Cordial’s poured and thank the Lord
I’ve had the napkins freshly pressed
For breakfast
Just seaweed
And my dear that’s fine with me
It’s not cooked since it’s a salad
Kind of bland but you can’t add that
Eat it raw
Very cold
Yes, I know it all gets old
If you’d like, please stay forever if you can

Islanders:
There is so much to do!

Miranda:
Let’s have toast or two
For you, our guest!

Islanders:
They’re our guests!

Friday:
They’re our guests!

Islanders:
They’re our guests!

Islanders:
Be our guest
Be our guest
Our command is your request
It’s been years since we’ve had anybody here
And we’re obsessed
With your meal
With your ease
Yes, indeed, we aim to please
We’ll have onion soup for dinner
With wild grass
It’s kind of thin here
Just one course
It’s no fun
Ish thinks spice goes to arboretum
Then we’ll drink our cordial now as you digest
Today you’ll prop your feet up
But for now, let’s eat up
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Please, be our guest!

Just as everyone is dismissed after the scavenging inspection, Ishmael has a talk with the Baudelaires, which basically consists of a lecture stating, “I’ve got a good thing going so don’t mess it up for me.” Except it’s more along the lines of “don’t rock the boat.” As he told the children: “Baudelaires, as your facilitator, allow me to give you a piece of advice, as you begin your stay on this island. Don’t rock the boat. We’ve been living by our customs for quite some time. Most of us can scarcely remember our lives before we became castaways, and there is a whole generation of islanders who have never lived anywhere else. My advice to you is not to ask so many questions or meddle around too much with our customs. We have taken you in, Baudelaires, which is a kindness, and we expect kindness in return. If you keep prying into the affairs of the island, people are going to think you’re unkind—just like Friday thought Olaf was unkind. So don’t rock the boat. After all, rocking the boat is what got you here in the first place.”  Sure the Baudelaires have a habit of upsetting things. But that’s because they’re being chased by a psychopath who wants their money and that no adults don’t believe a word they say.

Naturally, Ishmael’s lecture to the Baudelaires just has to be turned into a song. So what can be more fitting than the Hues Corporation’s “Rock the Boat.” Though the original is “a love song without being a love song.” However, in this version, Ishmael is exerting his influence as a control freak and fascist killjoy he is.

“Rock the Boat” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Ishmael

Islanders:
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this
To rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat

Ishmael:
Ever since folks washed up on this island
We’ve lived by our own customs for long timespans
Most of us can scarcely recall our lives pre-castaway
The younger generation knows nothing, anyway

So be nice and don’t ask many questions
We took you in kind so don’t pry into the affairs of the island

Islanders:
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this
To rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat

Ishmael:
So just be nice and keep to our ways
Or else people will think you’re unkind so know your place
I’ve got a good thing going so don’t upset
Don’t make me lose my cool, or you ain’t seen nothing yet

We’ll take these things to the arboretum
Because the chances are unlikely that you’ll ever need them

Islanders:
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this
So I’d like to give you kids some kind of notion
As you stay on this island, you got to know this

To rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don’t rock the boat children
Rock the boat, ooh

Rock the boat, rock on with our island
Rock the boat, rock on with our island
Rock the boat, rock on with our island
Rock the boat, rock on with our island

Rock the boat
Rock the boat
Rock the boat
Rock the boat

Since there was a storm on the island’s shores, the island’s castaways scavenge for junk on the coast which they present to Ishmael. A man named Alonso shows a propeller which Violet claimed she could use as a fan. But Ishmael thinks it would cause too much of a fuss so Alonso puts it on the sleigh. Next it’s Ariel who presents a paper knife, which Klaus thinks could be used for books washing up shore. But Ishmael says if it’s up to him, he’d get rid of it. So she does. Third is Sherman who’s found a cheese grater, which Sunny say she could use to make coconut cake. But Ishmael says he doesn’t have any cheese. So onto the sleigh it goes. And so it goes for all the other islanders who manage to find crap. Let’s just say while Ishmael claims he doesn’t force anyone to do what he wants, somehow his followers heed him by every word as he leads them in the direction he wants. This pisses off the Baudelaires since they feel all the stuff being hauled off to the arboretum can be of use, particularly to their talents.

In this part, I used “The Temple” song from Jesus Christ Superstar which I also used for the Hob for the Hunger Games musical. The original version has Jesus lose his temper, overturn the money changing tables, and chase people with a whip. In this version, I have the islanders present items to Ishmael who has them put on the sheep sleigh to the arboretum. Not to mention, this moment is very relevant in Ishmael’s true character akin to a cult leader. Seriously, Ishmael is a very dangerous man.

Ishmael’s Tent”

Islanders:
Here we come from the coastal shelf
Check out all this stuff yourself
Get a load of this one-way sign
This washed up mirror’s so divine
Take a look at this propeller
Get a glance this neat hammer
We can use this typewriter
How about this window, sir?
I got things you won’t believe.
Please don’t send them with the sheep
We can gut this fine fish to eat
I found a grater that shreds cheese
Roll on up for our latest finds
This wet dagger cuts mighty fine
Let’s see what just in this wine
Hope you approve this dish in kind
What you see is what you get.
Hope Ish’s not disappointed yet
Don’t be scared give me a try,
What’s the fuck’s up with this guy?
Got to see all these shiny things
Hope I can hide it fast.
Got to keep this from Ish’s path
Do not want to incite his wrath.
Here we come from the coastal shelf
Check out all this stuff yourself
Get a load of this one-way sign
This washed up mirror’s so divine
Take a look at this propeller
Get a glance this neat hammer
We can use this typewriter
How about this window, sir?
I got things you won’t believe.
I got things you won’t believe.
Please don’t send them with the sheep
We can gut this

(fade, screaming)

Ishmael:
These items aren’t useful around here,
So load them up on the sleigh with sheep
Take out! Take out!
Now I won’t force you to
But it’s all up to you
After all, I’ve tried for decades
Seems like ninety, seems like ninety.

Islanders:
Okay, Ish, you might be right
This is a wholly useless find
This thing will just cause a fuss
Guess it’s best for all of us
I’ll put this on the sheep led sleigh
We don’t need thing, anyway
Okay, Ish, this thing’s just too much
It’s not really worth all the constant fuss
Yes, Ish, let’s all get rid of these silly things
We can’t really use these for anything
Go ahead, take them to the arboretum
Best we put where we won’t see them

Okay, Ish, you might be right
This is a wholly useless find
This thing will just cause a fuss
Guess it’s best for all of us
I’ll put this on the sheep led sleigh
We don’t need thing, anyway
Okay, Ish, this thing’s just too much
It’s not really worth all the constant fuss
Yes, Ish, let’s all get rid of these silly things
We can’t really use these for anything
Go ahead, take them to the arboretum
Best we put where we won’t see them

Violet:
What the hell are they doing…that’s not junk
I can use quite a few things…what the fuck?
What the hell?