NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 4, 2014

A popular holiday tradition that has caught on in recent years is the Elf on the Shelf which is based on a 2005 children’s book written and published by mother and daughter Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell. The book tells of a story of how Santa Claus knows which kids are naughty or nice by sending elves to spy on children between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season. Each of these hardbound picture books come with a small soft toy in the form of a pixie scout elf so parents around the world can make this their own holiday tradition, just to make sure their kid belongs on Santa’s “nice” list. Now there are certain rules that parents and children must follow during the elf’s stay inside the home. First, it must maintain a distance and provide a watchful eye for Santa. Second, it must never move or speak while the residents are at home and awake, but can “move” from place to place when no one is around. Third, children must never touch the elf or it will lose its magic. Yeah, I know it’s stupid but what do you know? Still, while it does attract a lot of criticism from parenting experts and sometimes parents, the fact that the Internet is filled with pictures of the family’s elf getting into all kinds of hilarious mischief which got me thinking about doing a post where the Elf on the Shelf does things that would put it on the “naughty” list. Sure you’d like to think that these elves are reporting things about the kids to Santa in the evenings but you can’t really be so certain. So I ask you parents to spy on the Elf on the Shelf and use your camera and the Internet to report whenever the elf is doing something naughty. And I don’t mean the little harmless hijinks like making snow angels in flower. No, I mean stuff that could get a popular children’s show host suffer a fast and hard fall from grace like Pee Wee Herman did (like masturbating while watching a porno in a theater). So if you see your terrifying Elf on the Shelf doing any of these terrible at least PG-13 rated things, please remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline number to report it via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. So without further adieu, here’s a great treasury of Elves on the Shelf gone horribly, wildly, and inappropriately bad. Warning: most of these images aren’t for kids and may be unsafe for work.

1. Seems like Crumpet is enjoying his stay bathing with the resident Barbie dolls.

Of course, he only gets a few weeks a year to bang these Barbie bitches so Crumpet just wants to make the most of it.

2. Crinkles seems to have gone gangsta.’

Crinkles didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose him. Still, he seems decked in aluminum bling with a cup and a grill to match with the watch around his neck.

3. Mom and Dad should’ve known not to play cards for cash with Sugar Bear. Else, he’ll make them bet their car keys.

It’s very unlikely that Mom’s new Hyundai Elantra and Dad’s Toyota Truck will never be seen again after this Christmas Eve. Still, I kind of suspect that Sugar Bear might be cheating or counting cards.

4. Things are about to get frisky between Dangles and Barbie in her pink Malibu SUV she always lets him drive.

Looks like Dangles is going to get in deep trouble once Ken finds out that he’s screwing his girlfriend. Still, at least he wasn’t with GI Joe’s main squeeze. Now that’s a doll you don’t want to mess with.

5. For Kringles, Monday night is Hustler night. It’s just a question what he’s in the mood for.

Let’s hope that Johnny’s parents don’t catch Kringles masturbating in the middle of the night. He’ll never be an Elf on the Shelf next year if he’s caught doing a Pee Wee Herman, again.

6. “Okay, Pattykins, chug that Budlight on the count of three. One, two, three, chug!”

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls' bikini party.

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls’ all night bikini party.

7. Looks like Sourball has spent all the DeLazzaros’ money on Powerball tickets.Too bad he hasn’t won yet.

Still, little did Sourball take in mind is that you have less of a chance winning the lottery than being hit by a meteor. I’d also say that winning odds are similar with the Powerball as well.

8. For dinner, Shrimpy is planning on serving oven baked Smurfs tonight.

Of course, for his oven baked Smurfs entree in the toaster oven, Shrimpy will be assisted by traitorous Smurf Chef, “Cannibal.”

9. “You came in like a wrecking ball….”

I’m sure this rendition of the popular Miley Cyrus music video as well as hit song will not sit well with Santa at the North Pole at all.

10. Here’s Dingleberry pictured playing his favorite video game, Grand Theft Auto IV.

I don’t know about you but shouldn’t anyone be concerned whenever there’s an Elf on the Shelf who enjoys graphically violent and possibly pornographic video games? Seriously, think of the children here.

11. “Do you want to slay a snowman? I’m sure it’s fun to do.”

Missy’s latest homicidal rampage on snowmen might be the last straw for Santa if he receives word of it at the North Pole. Yes, this girl’s very vicious with a gun and a sword.

12. It’s time for you to die, Dinkystinks, and fall victim to my dark passenger.

Looks like Dexter won’t show any mercy to even serial killing Elves on the Shelf. This is especially true if he’s known to kill three Barbie doll hookers, Dora the Explorer, and Cinderella. Yes, this is one sick elf.

13. Seems like Gingy joined up with Justin Timberlake so they could present their lady friends with a “dick in a box.”

Men, I know this comes from an SNL sketch and sometimes don’t put a lot of thought of getting gifts for your girlfriends. However, understand giving her your “dick in a box” is a very, very bad idea. You might want to stick to giving her something like jewelry this Christmas instead.

14. Straight from the North Pole, we have Holly the Shelf Elf do her legendary yuletide pole dancing routine.

Well, Holly needs to supplement her income somehow. She can’t live on the meager Elf on the Shelf salary she’s been receiving and her male co-workers are paid in so much more.

15. Just a few days more for Elsie and she’ll be off to the North Pole.

Yet, I’m not sure if Elsie’s idea of relaxation method of lounging in a denim skirt and sandals while drinking Jim Beam will go well with Santa at the North Pole.

16. Looks like Dobbie peed his own name on the little Christmas village.

Just between you and me, I’m sure the Dobby in Harry Potter is much cuter than this creepy elf. At least that Dobby didn’t urinate anywhere in his masters’ house as far as I know.

17. Flickers thinks you might need some fire in your eyes.

I bet you Mrs. Fluglesburg is going to be pissed when she tries to put in her contacts in the morning. Naughty, Flickers!

18. Looks like Captain James T. Kirk isn’t the only guy partial to green girls.

And I see that Pringles has enough money to burn for Frankenstein’s daughter’s pole dancing routine. Shouldn’t an Elf on the Shelf keep away from such joints?

19. Seems like Snowball really likes to play with the family leg lamp.

Of course, I hope Snowball’s fascination with what is better suited for a titty bar doesn’t amount to anything inappropriate. Or did I say that too soon?

20. Seriously, you don’t want to know what he’s doing with that toothbrush.

Oh, my God, that’s really sick. Now I guess their toothbrushes are all covered in elf shit, this family might need to go to Wal Mart or Big Lots.

21. Oh, dear, looks like Noggy just upskirted an angel.

Now Noggy isn’t just in trouble with Santa and the North Pole, he’ll also have to deal with the wrath of God on top of that. Really, God really doesn’t take sexual harassment toward angels very lightly. And that angel will report him.

22. Seems like Hingle is trying to tell us something.

So when Hingle is talking about crabs, is he referring to those stuffed crabs or? Oh, my God, he didn’t did he? Jesus Christ! Well, at least he’s honest.

23. Man, seems like Thistlewhite is making some kind of blue candy. Oh, wait a minute!

Oh, my God, don’t tell me that Thistlewhite has started his own crystal meth business! Seriously, we may need to report him for this before there’s a meth problem among the toys.

24. Seems like Honey Bear has gotten in trouble with the Abominable Snowman and is being barbecued.

Seems like there will be one less Elf on the Shelf returning to the North Pole this Christmas Eve. Of course, the Abominable Snowman can’t wait to eat some delicious elf ribs.

25. Oh, no, seems like Glitter Bug has a paint huffing problem. Dear Lord!

Looks like we need to report this to Santa Claus. Also, that paint huffing can’t be good for Glitter Bug’s magic.

26. Oh, no, looks like Plinker has been sentenced to firing squad.

Either Plinker did something really bad or the Overly house is a repressive dystopian toy dictatorship. Man, wouldn’t want to go there.

27. Of course, if reindeer games amounted to stuff like this, maybe Rudolph was lucky.

Well, I know this reindeer is just a figurine, but I can’t help suspecting this elf for bestiality. Still, Santa won’t be happy about this.

28. Looks like Clinker is having a really wild life with a ballerina doll as far as I can see.

Still, let’s hope that this was consensual and neither regret it in the morning. Still, they’re drinking very strong stuff and will probably have massive hangovers when they wake up.

29. Looks like Blinker was arrested in a domestic dispute with Barbie. Luckily the action figure police was there.

Let’s hope that he didn’t do anything to Barbie and that Ken doesn’t find out. Man, Blinker must be one very bad elf.

30. “Shut up, and give me all you got before I stab you!”

Did Tingles just rob a gas station convenience store? Let’s just say he’s not coming back to the Fosters’ house after this year.

31. “Quick, give him some oxygen, we’re losing him, I tell you!”

Man, seems like spending all night at raves really caught up to Charlie. Man, I love how Mrs. Tyler used her old breast pump as an oxygen mask.

32. At least he found a toilet to puke in.

This all night drinking and partying doesn’t seem to get Flinker on Santa’s “nice” list. In fact, he may not return from the North Pole after this.

33. “I’m sure Frosty won’t suffer…..much.” (giggles)

Looks like Glingle might be exhibiting signs of being a possible psychopath or sociopath. Nevertheless, Glingle is evil.

34. Welcome to the annual Reindeer Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Of course, I’m sure Team Shelf Elf will kill a lot of the other North Pole Tributes with Katniskle’s bow and candy canes.

35. Looks like Mickey is going to be in for a surprise when he comes home to Minnie. Let’s just say, I’d hate to see Iggie be punched by a Disney mouse.

Man, Minnie you’re a very bad girl. Then again, I’m sure Mickey wouldn’t be very good in bed. I mean his voice must be a major turn off. Still, it would be really funny to see an angry Mickey beat up the elf bedding Minnie.

36. Sleigh Bell always wants to lend a helping hand and sees nothing wrong with joining Tony Montana in their joint drug empire.

For those who’ve seen either the Brian DePalma or the 1933 version of Scarface, all of you should know that it won’t end well for Tony Montana and Sleigh Bell.

37. Of course, since Chrissy won’t do it with him Mingles will have to take drastic action.

Oh, my God, is he sneaking a roofie in her drink? Seriously, Mingles is lucky that he’s not at the North Pole right now or Santa would have his ass.

38. Binky and Barbie were snorting cocaine and oh, my God, what the hell’s going on with Barbie?

Still, I’m really not sure if Binky is capable of showing any remorse for what’s befallen Barbie. Hey, Binky, you’re at a kid’s house, not Wall Street!

39. “Stop! You’re money or your life!”

Either this elf on the shelf is an Old West bandit or some 18th century highwayman. Either way, you wouldn’t want to mess with him.

40. Pinky really seems to enjoy surfing online.

Unfortunately, Pinky seems on his way into developing an addiction to porn and violent video games. He needs serious therapy.

41. Looks like Jingles is stealing from Mr. Johnson’s wallet. I hope he’s not going to use the money for something naughty.

Oh, dear, now he has the Johnsons’ cash and American Express card. Boy, the Johnsons are sure going to receive a large credit card bill once Jingles is done using it. Seems like Jingles is becoming a very expensive house guest.

42. Seems like Cup Cup’s drinking problem led to his North Pole termination.

Now Cup Cup is basically living on the streets sleeping under newspapers, warming himself to makeshift fires, and chugging down his Absolut Vodka.

43. During the holiday season at the McClanahan house, the toys all assemble for their very own Fight Club. Beginners usually have to face the elf first.

And looks like Grimble is literally kicking Ken’s ass. Still, how the hell is he going to fight Thomas the Tank Engine?

44. Oh, my God, Nimble seems to have gotten hold of Mr. McGilicuddy’s gun. Hope it’s not loaded.

Okay, seems that Nimble has gone insane so before anyone gets hurt, now’s the time to report him to Santa. Please do it now.

45. Seems like the toys have been acting differently since Timmy arrived to the Lindauer’s home.

Of course, Timmy seems to be getting really rich off the toys money who seem to show up very high. Hope this picture is from Colorado since pot is totally legal there. I’m not sure if Santa will approve though.

46. Of course, Numby always loves to help his family decorate for Christmas.

However, I’m not sure decorating the dog with Christmas lights is what the Griswolds have in mind. Also, it seems like Jake might be in fear of getting electrocuted. Yet, I’m not sure if he could sit still.

47. “$20 for Valium? What a bargain!”

Okay, I think Hanky may have a drug problem. Seriously, this was taken at some drug dealer’s house. Please report him to Santa.

48. “Okay, ladies, now I want you to make out under the mistletoe. And I want you girls to get down and dirty.”

While Freddy wasn’t spying on the Parkers’ kids during the holiday season, he had a side career as an amateur pornographer. And he also cast Maisie’s Barbie dolls as actresses.

49. Seems like Heimel won’t be going back to the Bradfords this year. I wonder what caused Santa to fire him.

Now Heimel spends his days drinking pop, eating junk food, and watching daytime TV while wrapped in his Snuggie. Poor thing.

50. Looks like Ken has been very, very naughty to meet his end through the clutches of Buddy.

Oh, my God, did Ken really brutally murder all those women? Boy, at least he won’t be able to kill Barbie. I didn’t know he was a sick bastard.

51. Oh, dear, seems like Twinkle Toes likes to steal money from children.

I’m sure he took much more than just a nickel from Johnny’s first piggy bank. And I thought elves were supposed to be nice to children.

52. “All right, Prince, if you want to see Snow White again, bring me $100,000 ransom. If you don’t meet my demands, she’s history.”

Little did this little elf know that Snow White also lives with seven little men who would be just as pissed. Yet, at least he enlisted the cooperation of Star Wars lego minifigs.

53. Seems like Flicker is planning a big party with the toys while the Polaskys are out Christmas shopping.

Okay, but I’d be very concerned about Flicker hauling a box filled with Red Stripe and a big bottle of bourbon. Yeah, the house is going to be a mess.

54. Oh, my God, what did Ringly do with Barbie and Ken?

Looks, like he caught Barbie and Ken together and he shot them dead. Either that, or he’s just one sick evil bastard elf who should be reported to Santa.

55. Seems like Glitter Bell has done something naughty enough to get a mugshot.

Oh, dear, things aren’t looking good for Glitter Bell aren’t they? Wonder what she did to get herself in trouble like this.

56. “Here’s your change for that pack of Marlboros, so thank you and good night.”

This isn’t going to sit well with Santa at all. Then again, Santa is said to smoke a pipe. Still, Yule is being very, very, naughty.

57. Sorry, Walter White, but Dinky is the one who knocks.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn't hear about this.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing artificial sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn’t hear about this.

58. Looks like Jerry loves to collect things.

Unfortunately, Jerry seems to becoming quite the hoarder. You should see his place at the North Pole.

59. Seems like Soapy has finally found the Bumgarners’ liquor and medicine cabinets.

So that’s why the pain meds and wild turkey have been disappearing all of a sudden. Still, I think he may have a problem.

60. “I have your wallet now.”

Thanks to Bartilkins, Barry Madison hasn’t been able to drive or buy anything again, which is quite a shame really. He has a lot of debt from his credit cards already.

61. On second thought, maybe it was a bad idea for the Bateses to name their elf Norman.

Looks like Norman has a habit of using kitchen knives near the bath tub And since then, the family doesn’t even want to step foot in the bath tub again or take a shower.

62. Seems like Bimble is in the mood for red rum as he writes on the wall.

Oh, wait a minute, I just forgot that “Red Rum” is murder spelled backwards. My mistake. Still, quite creepy.

63. So that’s how Krinkly reports back to Santa. Interesting.

Wait a minute, he’s not texting to Santa. He’s sexting to someone else. Boy, Krinkles seems to have some internet sexting addiction if you know what I mean. I hope the parents don’t get in trouble.

64. Great, Jangles just flashed at the Playmobil people.

Luckily the Playmobil wasn’t on duty at the time or the elf would’ve been arrested for indecent exposure.

65. Seems like Igby really likes to work with his hands.

Unfortunately, he seems to have created some Barbie centipede which is pretty terrifying if you know what I mean. I wonder if these shelf elves have to undergo any background checks. They should.

66. Oh, look, Dobbie’s written something on the eggs.

Not only does Dobbie pee on Christmas villages but he also has quite the potty mouth if you know what I mean.

67. “Hello, Clarice.”

Next he’ll be talking about how he ate a guy’s liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti.

68. For the Fractellis, here’s your new elf on the shelf, Snooki.

Of course, we know that Snooki is fresh out of Elf on the Shelf school and ended up graduating last in her class, for obvious reasons.

69. Seems like Eddie really takes to living in a mobile RV home.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure if his living arrangement does any good for the environment. I mean dumping sewage down a storm drain is illegal as well as not a good idea.

70. Aww, Plinko and Barbie sharing a- wait a minute, that’s twerking isn’t it?

Man, Plinko is going to get in a lot of trouble with Santa when the big guy hears about this at the North Pole. Still, great rendition of the 2013 VMAs.

71. Oh, my God, is Jingles planning on shooting Rudolph? Good heavens!

Yes, I know that December is deer hunting season. Yet, this doesn’t mean that anyone has the right to shoot any of Santa’s reindeer, especially Rudolph.

72. Man, looks like things at the North Pole aren’t going so well.

Looks like Crumpet was just arrested for taking part in his Occupy, North Pole demonstrations. Guess Santa isn’t very nice after all.

73. Seems like the toys have had enough with Bimbles.

Hope that house doesn’t have a child who’s potty training or Bimbles is going to stink like hell. Really he’ll smell like poo and pee from a 3-year-old.

74. Gristlekins really likes to get down and dirty with the blue girls.

Of course, perhaps he tends to be a very big fan of 50 Shades of Grey as well as very into BDSM. Yes, he likes to get kinky. But then again, not that there’s anything wrong wit that.

75. “Quick, get the defibrillator. I think we may be losing him.”

Oh, my God, guess a life of hard living eventually caught up with Puddy. Seems like he won’t be going to the North Pole on Christmas Eve this year.

76. All Frankie needs are his cigarette, a bottle of Absolut, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I hate to say this but it looks like Frankie has a bit of a drinking problem. I wonder if the North Pole has AA, rehab, or the 12-step programs? I mean Frankie will hit rock bottom before he knows it.

77. Seems like Blueball is filming his new flick, Barbies Gone Wild.

Not only that, but he’s using Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins’ camcorder, too. Seems like Santa won’t be the only person who’ll be pissed off at him. He’ll be in a lot of trouble.

78. Oh, nice, Brimbles is having a party. Adorable.

Wait a minute, he's snorting cocaine with a Smurf and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up.

Wait a minute, he’s snorting cocaine with a Smurf Mrs. Potts, and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up. It was probably Brimbles’ idea.

79. Oh, my God! Jimbles killed Barbie!

I don’t know about you but if Jimbles wants to get a good sentence, he might want to call his attorney this instant. Also, definitely not returning to the Elf on the Shelf program next year.

80. Seems like someone made a nice message on the fridge.

Okay, seems like Flynny may need serious counseling or else put up in a mental institution. Still, after this year, I don’t think this family should do Elf on the Shelf again.

The Wonderful World of Thanksgiving Cakes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 13, 2014

As with most holidays, cakes seem to have a special place. And Thanksgiving is no exception. Of course, the motifs are turkey, Pilgrims, Indians, pumpkins, cornucopia, and fall. Of course, you’ve probably seen some of them in my previous post on Thanksgiving treats. Still, I could go on and on about the nice lovely turkey day cakes I’ve seen. However, all that would make you unwilling to view such post. So instead, I’ll show you some other cakes that you might not want around at your family home on Thanksgiving. Whether it’s poor depictions of turkeys or something you don’t want your kids to see, sometimes mistakes are made. So without further adieu, here are some of the cakes featuring Thanksgiving blunders.

1. I’m sorry about your cornfield being hit by that tornado.

Wait a minute, this is a cornucopia? Still, at least we can be thankful for not having to see those giant corny death rays.

2. Looks like that Pilgrim Father’s wearing a hat that seems 3 sizes too small.

Are you sure this isn’t a cake meant to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day? Just saying. Then again, he may just have been covering a receding hairline.

3. This cake is a representation of what happens if you give a Butterball Turkey to a vegetarian.

That’s right. Give a turkey to a vegetarian and it will sit in the fridge for days until it gathers mildew and starts to smell terribly.

4. As we all say, “In one end and out the other.”

Yet, as far as this cake decorator was concerned, I wonder if he or she was sure which end was which. I mean the head seems to be iced on the wrong end.

5. This bird’s on fire, it’s rolling down the road…..

Basically this is what happens to a turkey if you think cooking one for Thanksgiving is setting one on fire while alive.

6. While some say “Happy Thanksgiving,” others take a bit of artistic license.

From Cakewrecks: “And lo, they laid the baby glow worm in a manger, and saideth, ‘Thanks AND Giving’ Lo. Cometh hath. And sucheth.”

7. As he awaited his torment in the infernal regions of Hell, Tom the Turkey stood there wondering what he had ever done to deserve such wretched fate.

Then again, he’s probably roasting in some oven or something. Perhaps awaiting to meet his death through heat exhaustion.

8. Now this turkey seems to be a little too well done here.

Of course, even though this turkey cake looks burnt, it’s probably better to eat than the real thing.

9. Now I’ve never seen quite a turkey with elaborate tail feathers on its head.

Of course, this turkey seems to have a very colorful personality and possibly too much of the brown acid at Woodstock.

10. Sure turkeys are big, but they’re utterly helpless when surrounded by mice.

For God’s sake, this turkey’s feathers seem to resemble punk spikes. Also, what’s with the creepy mice?

11. Even when gutted, plucked, stuffed, and baked, this turkey seems to be surprisingly good at yoga.

Of course, I’m quite sure that turkeys certainly don’t have their legs stretched out like that. Still, doesn’t look right for some reason.

12. Nothing says Thanksgiving than having a turkey being surrounded by tiny phalluses and turd flames.

Of course, this doesn’t look like a turkey in as much as it resembles some weird angry bird’s head about to explode.

13. Now this bird seems to be a little rambunctious.

Either this turkey is just overexcited over something, in panic mode, or just plain high on some LSD.

14. Perhaps this turkey is pining for the fjords.

“‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This turkey is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e
rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TURKEY!!”

15. A rolling pumpkin gathers no vines.

Whereas this pumpkin cake seems to have a stem at the top of it that resembles a turd. Perhaps some creature just took a dump on it.

16. Oh great, I always wanted to have a Thanksgiving barbecued turkey dinner.

Of course, it doesn’t really look a real turkey. Barbecued or otherwise. Still, are those real raw potatoes? Now that’s strange.

17. Thanksgiving turkey or just a walking mutant turkey headed gingerbread man in a burning wheat field?

Seems like this cake decorator seems a bit too taken in with all this Christmas commercialism these days.

18. This turkey seems to be incredibly stuff.

This is why you should always chew with your mouth closed. Also, a lesson that you shouldn’t confuse your TP with your TNT.

19. Now this turkey seems to have a very huge ass crack.

Is it just me or does anyone else think this turkey is mooning us? Seriously, I think this bird should be arrested for indecent exposure.

20. May we wish you a “Happy Gooble Gooble Day.”

Seriously, how can one person managed to mispell “gobble” for God’s sake? It’s not a hard word to spell. Even a kid could manage it.

21. Before The Nightmare Before Christmas there was The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving.

Of course, The Nightmare Before Thanksgiving didn’t do too well at the box office got terrible reviews. Besides, it managed to anger many in the Native American community that it was pulled from release.

22. Happy Thanksgiving from a black Ken doll in a speedo on a bear rug?

I’m sure this turkey day Burt Reynolds’ centerfold imitation is sure going to go real well with the parents of small children. Not.

23. Happy Thanksgiving, from the Naughty Gingerbread Man.

Seems like Gingy got arrested of indecent exposure. Still, perhaps the baker seems to have gotten too caught up with Christmas.

24. Now you leave the turkey in the oven until it turns golden brown,

Jesus Christ, turkey is people! This is one of the most disturbing turkeys I’ve ever seen. Still, why does cake even exist?

25. So this is Foghorn Leghorn’s brother from Colorado.

Sure while Foghorn Leghorn is a southern gentlemen, Highorn Leghorn relocated to the Haight Ashbury of San Francisco and got a little too into the drug scene and Rastafarianism.

26. This turkey is literally on fire.

Then again, its drumsticks seem to have an appearance of a couple of burning cigarettes. And what’s with the smiley face?

28. Nothing like a turkey than one as a black and white cartoon character.

Now that’s just so utterly terrifying. Also, I wonder if that turkey is about to do something terrible. I’d keep my eye on him, if I were you.

29. Eat this turkey, I dare you.

I’m sure that they cut off the turkey’s head before they put it in the oven. Actually decapitation is the first thing they do with a turkey.

30. Now this is one bright and colorful turkey.

Seems more like a cross between one of those fold up party decorations and a turd to me. Also, seems to be made from a wedding cake sideways.

31. I wouldn’t worry since this turkey is just about half as good as it looks.

Then again, if it’s half as good as it looks, then it must really taste like shit. Also, it kind of seems real dry and can use some gravy.

32. Now this is a nice turkey cake for the kids.

Wait a minute, that turkey's head looks like a sex toy for some reason? That or some abnormally shaped phallus.

Wait a minute, does that turkey’s head looks like a sex toy for some reason? That or some abnormally shaped phallus.

33. I’ll take a-drumstick?

Wait a minute, are those drumsticks or spray painted poo made to look like drumsticks? Seriously, why?

34. Finally, a decent looking Thanksgiving turkey cake.

Hey, what’s with the Frosty the Snowman hat and scarf? Don’t tell me they’re trying to sneak Christmas upon us!

35. Now that is one huge turkey in this one.

Seems like this turkey doesn’t seem too happy here, to be dessert. Still, a bit too realistic if you know what I mean.

36. How about the cake that combines Thanksgiving and football?

Wait, is that a turkey or a football with drumsticks? Seriously, this might not have been a good idea.

37. Things seem to be getting wacky at NBC and not in a good way.

Seems like NBC wants to get in the Thanksgiving spirit by replacing their peacock with a turkey. Doesn’t seem to take since the turkey might be tripping on something.

38. Now here’s a great Thanksgiving cake straight from Jurassic Park.

This is not a turkey. It may be a velociraptor, Sesame Street puppet, or some kind of cartoon exotic bird. But it is not a turkey.

39. Now this turkey can’t seem to get enough of the fireworks.

Because he seems to be bombarded by them all the time. Also, I didn’t know turkeys can fly. Wait a minute, domestic ones can’t while wild ones, not too well.

40. I’ll some turkey breast meat, thank you very much.

Actually, that’s not what I had in mind. Besides, what farmers putting into their turkeys these days which causes them to grow mammaries? It’s unnatural!

Gobble Up These Thanksgiving Treats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 12, 2014

I have to admit, while Halloween and Christmas posts for my blog are relatively easy to come up with, good Thanksgiving posts are rather hard to come up with. For one, it’s not a very fun holiday. Halloween pertains to costumes, scary stuff, parties, trick or treating, and what not. Christmas revolves around parties, presents, shopping, Santa, trees, wreaths, lights, pastries, nativity scenes and so many other fun stuff. Thanksgiving on the other hand, just focuses on a turkey dinner with one’s family as well as Pilgrims and Indians. Second, well, despite the first Thanksgiving being a celebration of thanks and friendship between pilgrims and Indians, we know how that turned out in the end (not good). Third, while Halloween and Christmas have great outlandish decorations and treats I could make fun of, I couldn’t say the same about Thanksgiving. And finally, let’s just say I usually get most of my ideas for Christmas posts during this time and can’t really apply them on my blog until Black Friday. Thus, I have to go with certain ideas as they come by. Considering that I did a post on Halloween treats back in October which met with great success, I decided to do a similar one on Thanksgiving treats in a similar fashion. However, while Halloween treats pertained to food directed to almost anybody, many of the following for Thanksgiving tended to be treat ideas catered for parents and teachers. In other words, these are treats people mostly make for kids. Since I’m the oldest of 24 grandchildren on my mother’s side, this wouldn’t be a problem in my family. Yet, it doesn’t meet the kind of amusement the Halloween ones do. Then again, they’re not as gross. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of Thanksgiving treats for your viewing pleasure.

1. As a breakfast, you can’t go wrong with a healthy fruit cornucopia.

Basically this consists of green grapes, strawberries, candy corn, and a waffle to wrap it all in.

2. As a dessert, why not make it just like your dinner with this Thanksgiving dinner cake?

I don’t know about you but I can barely tell the difference between this and the real thing.

3. Nothing says Thanksgiving than a cornucopia from the cones.

I’m sure that’s all lined with chocolate and filled with popcorn, pretzels, and jelly beans. More of a classroom treat than anything.

4. Happy Thanksgiving from the graham cracker table.

Man, it’s amazing what you can do with toppings. Almost looks like a Thanksgiving dinner for a dollhouse or something. Yet, you have almond turkey, icing mashed potatoes, and sprinkle green beans.

5. And to go with your graham cracker table, here’s a chocolate waffle cookie pumpkin wagon with candy wheels.

Of course, you can only get waffle cookies from a store and they taste rather disgustingly sweet. Still, I’m sure kids would love this.

6. If you want to save space, here’s a nice little Thanksgiving cupcake dinner.

Now here we have three drumsticks, some peas and carrots, as well as mashed potatoes and gravy. Yet, with a side of a traditional chocolate cupcake with sprinkles.

7. Why don’t you try some of these bite sized turkeys out for size?

These turkeys must be cupcakes. Yet, they seem so convincing that you’d think scientists used genetic engineering to create a flock of very tiny turkeys running around.

8. Chow down to some cupcake corn on the cob.

Of course, real corn on the cob is out of season being November and all. Still, those corn kernels are jelly beans.

9. For those wishing you had brains, here’s are some scarecrow cupcakes.

I actually did a post on scarecrows in September. Yet, these look way too friendly to be Halloween treats if you know what I mean. Yet, I’m not sure they’re scarecrows, kid show characters, or aliens.

10. For those wanting to use that leftover Halloween candy corn, perhaps you can make Oreo and Rice Crispy turkeys.

Of course, as it goes with real turkeys, there’s a chance your kids might not find the feathers or head edible. If so, then perhaps tasty.

11. For vegetarians, here’s a nice veggie turkey platter without the tofu.

Now this is one colorful veggie bird as I’ve ever saw one. Wait a minute, is that lettuce any good? Also, isn’t asparagus supposed to be out of season by now?

12. For those who don’t want to do the oreo turkeys I’m sure the cupcake ones will do much nicely.

Now I’m sure the kids might want to pluck off the feathers before eating these. As with the head, I’m not so sure.

13. For a more healthy snack, here’s some pretzel pear drumsticks.

Of course, the turkey part is pear and the bone part is pretzel. Still, you might need a knife to shove the pretzel in.

14. For pilgrim hats, you might want to go with chocolate striped cookies, marshmallows, and chocolate.

Of course, these hats are what you’d see on Pilgrim men. Let’s just say the women’s pilgrim hat treats would be too complicated to make.

15. For more edible turkeys, here are cupcakes with M&M feathers.

Now these sugary turkeys are cute enough to eat. Still, by how they’re photographed, they sure don’t seem friendly to me.

16. To cover your pumpkin pie, why don’t you just put a turkey on it?

Of course, this person made a turkey by just tracing his or her hand and adding legs. Just like kids do with Thanksgiving craft projects in elementary school.

17. Now this turkey is getting quite fruity.

Of course this turkey is made from cheese, pear, strawberries, bananas, and grapes. And it’s walking on waffle pretzels.

18. Nothing can certainly go wrong with making pretzel turkeys.

Man, there are sure a lot of things you can do after dipping stick pretzels in chocolate is there? Also remove feathers before eating.

19. If you don’t like marshmallows, here are some Pilgrim hats from Reese’s cups.

Of course, you’ll use the same kind of cookies as the Pilgrim hats with the marshmallows though.

20. If you like wooden ships, you might want to use paper and toothpicks for blood orange slices.

For some reason, I feel that this treat might be more appropriate for Columbus Day than Thanksgiving. I mean the Pilgrims only traveled on the Mayflower while Columbus sailed on the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria.

21. Say hello to Larry the turkey.

Of course, being made from two cupcakes means you’ll have to take him apart before you eat him. I mean you can’t eat cupcakes with the wrapper still on them.

22. If you’re charged with the pumpkin pie but can’t afford the oven space, you might want to go with the bite size version.

Then again, these little pie crusts are made from mini waffles. So this might be a treat to make for those who can’t be trusted with a knife.

23. If you don’t like Rice Krispies, perhaps using chocolate would be fine for your Oreo turkeys.

Of course, you’d still have to use candy corn. Yet, at least it’ll have a great chocolate taste.

24. Oh, look, a Rice Crispy treat pumpkin patch.

Of course, it would’ve been better if we could make them into Jack o’ Lanterns but it’s too late for that.

25. If you like Indians, perhaps you might want to make teepees from waffle cones.

Then again, this treat might be more suited for a Wild West occasion or some event in the Midwest because the first Thanksgiving took place in Massachusetts. Plains Indians lived in teepees and Eastern Woodland Indians don’t. But of course, it would’ve been more difficult to make treats of wigwams and longhouses.

26. This fruit turkey is sure putting on a colorful display.

Almost reminds me of the NBC peacock and one of those edible arrangement displays. Still, I’m sure turkeys aren’t that elaborate.

27. Now how would you like to gobble up this cake topper?

Of course, I know the cake is edible though I almost thought this was a craft project at first. Then again, maybe the turkey isn’t edible anyway.

28. Of course, it might be nice to have cookies resembling Thanksgiving dinner.

Still, I’m not sure if the veggie portion seems big enough. Not to mention, even at Thanksgiving dinner, it’s very unlikely that two plates will contain a drumstick. This is especially true if a family’s eating off of one turkey.

29. If you like cinnamon, you might want to put cinnamon sticks in a turkey cupcake.

Then again, I’m not quite sure if those are cinnamon sticks. Yet, I do like the peanut butter cup head though.

30. May I present to you, turkey cookie on a stick.

Of course, this is made from white Oreos and peanut butter cookies. Still, I’m sure kids will love it.

31. Didn’t realize that turkey feathers were made from almonds.

This turkey is probably made from bread and cheese as far as I know. Still, he’s sure strutting isn’t he?

32. Get in the fall spirit with these chocolate acorns.

With peanut butter cookies, Hershey’s Kisses, and chocolate chips, I’m sure kids will go nuts over these bite size acorns.

33. Get in the Thanksgiving spirit with an ear of Indian cupcake corn.

Of course, it’s like making the cupcake corn on the cob, but at least you can use more colored jelly beans as kernels.

34. Now here’s a nice fresh corn on the cob.

Man, who knew that green fruit roll up, baked goods, icing, and Reese’s Pieces could achieve this?

35. I now give you a pepper turkey.

Of course, since peppers are known to be spicy, you might not want to gobble this bird too fast.

36. Have kids learn about the Pilgrims with these Mayflower donuts.

Once again, I don’t think wooden ship treats are as appropriate for Thanksgiving as they are for Columbus Day. Still, at least the masts are made from pretzels.

37. If you don’t like Oreos, you might like Reese’s cups and Rice Krispy treat turkeys on a stick.

Of course, I’m sure that the feathers are made from fruit roll up. Still, pretty cute if you know what I mean.

38. For the colorful turkey muffin try one with apple slices.

Then again, muffins are technically cakes you eat for breakfast. Also, there’s something unsettling about its grape head.

39. May I present to you a scrumptious turkey dinner on a cupcake.

Now that turkey cupcake is almost too real to be believed. Still, I wonder how people achieve that.

40. Of course, this turkey is just a bag filled with corn you put in a microwave.

Now I’m sure that’s a very appropriate thing to eat from during a Thanksgiving football game and other festivities.

41. Nothing says Thanksgiving like a turkey cake begging for mercy.

Sorry, Gobblekins, but Americans need to eat and turkey is the Thanksgiving entree. So no mercy for you, but please we’re willing to hear last requests.

42. Wow your guests this Thanksgiving with this turkey appetizer platter.

Now this sure guaranteed to cause heart disease if eaten in excess. Still, love to see a cheesy turkey.

43. To make your food more appealing, how about a cornucopia bread.

Talk about edible decoration. Still, this is genius if you really think about it.

44. Nothing makes better Thanksgiving treats than chocolate covered pumpkin pretzels.

Now these are adorable pumpkins. Can also be used for Halloween or fall in general.

45. Gobble till you wobble this Thanksgiving with these chocolate turkey pretzel sticks.

Now these have pretzel sticks attached to cookies and candy corn. Still, pretty clever if I say so myself.

46. For your appetizers this Thanksgiving dinner, you can’t go wrong with this turkey cracker platter.

Yeah, there are a lot of turkey platters here in this post. Still, each offer a different assortment of food just the same.

47. Make your Thanksgiving festive with this turkey veggie dish.

Yes, this is another turkey veggie platter. But I think this one is a little more subdued than the last one I’ve shown.

48. For your Thanksgiving lunch this turkey day, how about some turkey pizza?

Now this uses pepperoni instead of actual turkey meat. Still, looks like a turkey to me.

49. If your dessert platter includes pumpkin pie, may I suggest some cookie pumpkin pie slices?

Yes, these are pumpkin pie slice cookies. Don’t ask me how someone came up with this idea. Hope they don’t taste like pumpkin spice lattes.

50. Make your Thanksgiving great wit these turkey cupcakes.

Just a bunch of cupcakes decorated with red, orange, and yellow icing. Still, quite cute.

51. Nothing makes Thanksgiving better than Nutter Butter corn cookies.

Now this is called “Harvest Corn Nutter Butter.” But I love how the corn kernels are Reese’s Pieces.

52. Get in the autumn spirit with bread this Thanksgiving with these acorn and leaf buns.

Now it’s said these were made with frozen bread dough. Of course, you can never have such bread things in my family.

53. For the kiddie appetizers, why not go with some mini turkey cheese balls?

Now these have almonds, cheese, carrots, and Ritz crackers. Still, they’re quite adorable but in an ugly way.

54. Pumpkin pie cookies not enough for your Thanksgiving? Then try this cookie assortment.

Now these include a pumpkin pie slice, turkeys, and a male Pilgrim hat. Also, see some candy corn which is strange.

55. For your Thanksgiving how about some apples dipped in a caramel turkey?

Now this sure looks like a turkey here. Not sure about the candy corn nose though.

56. Nothing says Thanksgiving like a turkey cake pop.

Now this is adorable with the Pilgrim hat. Wonder what happened to the rest of him.

57. Celebrate this Thanksgiving with these Pilgrim and Indian smores.

They might be friendly now. But wait until the white man gets land hungry after a few years.

58. Nothing makes a Thanksgiving dessert platter like a chocolate cornucopia.

If you’re having a Hunger Games party, perhaps you can stash it with some food and chocolate weapons. then again, doesn’t really give the Thanksgiving spirit does it?

59. Nothing shows the joy of Thanksgiving like these Pilgrim cookies.

Seriously, why do these people have to make these puritanical colonialists so adorable? Makes you almost forget the colonial genocide on Native Americans does it?

60. Say happy Thanksgiving this year with these turkey cookie cupcakes.

Now these have cookies for heads and wings as well as candy corn feathers. Still, such an adorable combination.

Home Not So Sweet Home

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 1, 2014

Be it ever so humble, there’s no place like home. Ever since humans traded their nomadic lifestyle for a sedentary life of agriculture and civilization, people have always built houses ranging from the straw hut to the McMansion. Today houses come in all shape, sizes, and types all providing us shelter from the elements outside like increment weather. You can tell a lot about a person from their houses such as wealth and perhaps occupation and personal taste. Now I could talk all day about all the beautiful houses there are but you wouldn’t find this post remotely interesting. Instead, I’ll talk about the types of houses you’d see from the road and make you wonder how such a place exist or who would ever want to live there. However, before I go further, let me go over what this ugly house post doesn’t include:

1. Houses that are messy and decrepit as if abandoned and suffering from poor upkeep.

2. Houses built for low income residents and in bad neighborhoods.

3. Unfinished houses that were either under construction or being torn down.

4. Any house that has been boarded up and seems condemned.

5. Any house that’s been through some kind of disaster.

Of course, some of these houses shown may be due to how its architectural style may make them eyesores on the landscape. Other houses may seem outrageous looking due to the paint job and color. Sometimes it’s a little of both. There may be some that have no character and others that may seem to have too much. So without further adieu, here are some horrendous looking houses you may embarrassed to invite your friends for dinner in, if you ever lived there (save possibly Belgium).

1. Behold, where modern design meets the lack of utilitarian imagination.

While this design may be more appropriate for an office building, it hardly seems suitable for a residential neighborhood.

2. One can do wrong with a house of gray blocks.

Now I don’t know about you but this doesn’t seem exactly homey to me. Reminds me a place I’d rather go home from like the law office of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.

3. What do you mean houses don’t have faces?

Yes, those windows appear as if the house is alive and has a rather expressionless face. Also, I don’t think it seems too keen about the white railing on the porches.

4. Of course, coming home to this house will sure give you stars.

This little house would actually be perfectly quaint if it weren’t for its tacky exterior. Yeah, that cover is bound to cause migraines.

5. She wanted a standard 2 story house. He wanted something more futuristic looking. Eventually they settled for this.

This looks as if the builder basically took an old house, split it in two, and built the white block and balcony section to connect the two. Now I’d be pretty embarrassed to live at this place.

6. I call this one, “The Green Tea Tulip House,” since it’s green and has a second story shaped like a tulip.

The tulip design is a perfectly fine architectural style for such a house. The green tea color on the other hand, is just utterly disgusting.

7. Now nothing makes a winter cabin brighter than Rainbow Brite.

Sure it may look a bit decrepit and abandoned. But I’m sure the next Cabin in the Woods film isn’t going to be set at this place. That is, unless who’s killing everyone there is a big fan of Lisa Frank.

8. Wait a minute, this house ain’t halfway done?

Let's just say whoever built this house only got it half finished before realizing that he or she ran out money before they could go any further. Yet, they still had plenty of bricks.

Let’s just say whoever built this house only got it half finished before realizing that they couldn’t build on as much property as they thought. So they built a large brick wall on the cross section.

9. Behold, the house of the future!

This house is as over 40 years old because it was used in Woody Allen’s 1973 comedy Sleeper. Now I wonder how anyone living at this place can go to the bathroom?

10. Now this house seems to resemble any little girl’s dream.

Of course, the family thought they did a good job on their daughter’s room that they decided to do the whole house like this. Then again, this would be a perfect facade for a Barbie Dream House.

11. For those going for a more curvy feel, here’s a house for you.

Let’s just say, someone might’ve thought curvy features is a good idea. Alas, it just seems that this architect was way too much into The Lord of the Rings.

12. Apparently, Bobby wanted the kind of house where he could practice his rock climbing.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that orange, lime, green, and light yellow is a good exterior color scheme. And the fact that this house is in a more modern style makes it even uglier.

13. In the future, we’ll all live in these affordable modular homes like these.

Let’s hope the future never comes to this. Besides, I don’t want to live in a home that reminds me of where Luke Skywalker grew up on Tatooine.

14. Nothing like the kind of home than one designed to freak out the neighbors.

Now this house seems as if it’s spying on the neighbors. Let’s hope that there’s no telescope behind either of the giant circular windows.

15. Well, as long that feature’s in the colonial style, I don’t see how it won’t do any harm.

Now I don’t think the front door style goes well with the rest of the house. In fact, I think it just makes an otherwise decent looking house seem fairly hideous.

16. Now I’m sure nobody could have too many dormer windows.

Actually, while I think two would’ve been fine, four is just way too many for this house. In fact, maybe this house shouldn’t have any dormers at all.

17. Brenda decided to have her house painted her two favorite colors: lime green and bright yellow.

Now there’s a sight for sore eyes. Actually it’s more of a sight that will make your eyes sore. Let’s say that lime green and bright yellow aren’t a good color scheme for a house.

18. Now here’s a great modern design for your liking.

Looks like the kind of house I’d imagine Lex Luthor having as a summer home. Seriously, it’s more or less “eek” than “chic” to me.

19. Of course, you can barely go wrong with a free standing chimney.

Maybe, but I see no reason why this house would look any better with a Pizza Hut like roof at the front. Seriously, this home just looks too silly form me.

20. I’m sure that trim on the garage enclosure goes well with the rest of the house.

Now I don’t think the trim on the garage area was a good idea because it doesn’t go well with the house at all. Yet, I do like the brick work though.

21. When it comes to roofs, you can’t have too many gables.

This is a place in New Jersey called, “The Bird Turd House of the Seventy Gables.” It was said to be inspired by the German Coo-Coo Clock. Yet, you can see why people liken it to bird turds.

22. Of course, perhaps you’d prefer to live under a pyramid with glass windows.

Now this is a house in Belgium which has a reputation for terrible house architecture. Still, I’m sure I wouldn’t want to live in a house like this.

23. Sure, I think we can create more stories for that black row house.

If there has been any architect who ever gave the finger, then this is possibly in the most spectacular way possible.

24. Of course, we can build a home that expresses both business and party at the same time.

Unfortunately, this house seems to have a lot of windows (which makes me question about their bathroom and privacy). Not only that, but it sort of resembles one of those ultramodern doctors’ offices for some reason.

25. Now how about you paint your house in a shade of pink?

Now I’m not sure about pink houses in general. Yet, I’m not sure if this pink would be perfect for Malibu Barbie, let alone anyone else.

26. Now here’s a house that would really jump out to you, in an asymmetrical way.

Then again, it could use another window on the second story. On the other hand, I’m not sure how you can improve this house’s look.

27. Now let’s step inside this lovely mansion.

Okay, that might be Albus Dumbledore’s summer vacation cottage. You know, the Sherbert Lemon Wizard Ranch.

28. Okay, so let’s flip this house.

Hey, when I said, “flip this house,” I didn’t mean in this fashion. Oh, God, I’m surrounded by idiots.

29. Hello, and welcome to Hayvenhurst.

I’m sure that it would look much better if the front way didn’t have to be as high as the other parts of the house. But these owners really wanted to make a grand entrance.

30. This house tends to go for the black and white stripes variety.

Looks almost as if someone made a house out of part of an army surplus store and tried to pass it as if it was made out of Legos. Nice try. Seems like the perfect vacation home for Beetlejuice, if you include the ugly yellow porch.

31. I don’t care how well it goes with the house. I want a castle tower.

Now maybe you shouldn’t get castle tower unless you live in an actual castle. It just looks so out of place.

32. Now I give you the most expensive house in the world.

How in the hell would anyone want to buy such an expensive piece of shit? If you want to build a home that costs about $2 billion, at least make it look nice.

33. Now here is a palm desert mansion any celebrity would buy.

Now I can’t tell the difference between this house and large pile of scrap metal. How would anyone want to entertain at this seeming pile of junk?

34. I call this an owl house.

Just don’t ask it how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Still, kind of freaky looking if you ask me.

35. Now I’m sure a big block of brick at the front upstairs window won’t hinder its looks.

Now this is just such an hideous block placement that I’m not sure ivy can cure. Still, I think it would look better if the brick block in the upstairs window would be removed.

36. What can go wrong with painting your house purple?

Now I really like purple. In fact, it’s my favorite color. But I don’t know what to think about Dracula’s taste in exterior decorating.

37. How about a house colored with the rainbow?

Alright, this resident is on something. And by that, I mean like LSD, marijuana, PCP, brown acid, and other hallucinogen that’s known to make you see God or bring world peace.

38. How about make your home inside this pyramid?

Now I don’t know about you but I can’t help but think that the person who lives there is part of some big shadow organization like the Illuminati perhaps. Then again, there’s the Freemasons since this pyramid looks like the one on a US dollar bill, according to the National Treasure franchise.

39. Now I’ve never seen a triangle frame house quite like this one.

Now if this house was possessed, at least I know that the monster is basically in this place. Actually, the house may be the monster as you see by the window eyes and face.

40. Now there is a house with a lot of funky color in it.

Unfortunately, the house painter might’ve had too much brown acid at Woodstock. I’m sure this is a certain eye sore for neighbors and may send some into seizures.

41. This house just needs a friend to keep it warm near the red telephone booth.

Don't look now but I think this house wants to eat us. Seriously, I don't like the look in its face. Keep away.

Don’t look now but I think this house wants to eat us. Seriously, I don’t like the look in its face which is creeping me out. Keep away.

42. I suppose this home would suit any Lord of the Rings fan.

Well, any LOTR fan who’s on a budget and thought Rivendell looked too fancy and not enough like some kind of creepy mad scientist’s lair.

43. Now this house must be very angry with its owners right now.

Of course, this is why the owners haven’t realized that this house isn’t too fond of them. This explains why their home has so many problems all the time.

44. I’m sure houses have feelings, too, you know. Sometimes they’re not as apparent.

This house doesn’t seem to be too happy here. Maybe it’s because they’re not paying attention that it has dry rot or something. Still, the brick work is pretty nice on this one.

45. Of course, you’d always need a tower to cover up the front door and for a possible room upstairs.

I don't know about you but there's something kind of out of place and phallic about this house. I just can't put my finger on it. Still, it would look better if it didn't have that brick tower.

I don’t know about you but there’s something quite phallic about this house. I just can’t put my finger on it. Still, it would look better if it didn’t have that brick tower. Also seems to have a creepy face, which makes this house even freakier. Still, why are there so many ugly houses in Belgium?

46. Of course, some houses are fairly accommodating.

For some reason, I wouldn’t be able to look at this house and wonder whether I was being watched. There’s just something unsettling about it if you know what I mean.

47. Remember, kids, people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Kind of reminds me of what Batman’s greenhouse may look like if he ever got into gardening. Also seems to have a monstrous face.

48. House by day. Transformer by night.

I also wouldn’t be surprised if this would be the kind of house Batman would live in, if he wasn’t born into a rich family. Yet, I don’t know what the Batmobile would look like.

49. Welcome to Saint Peter’s Catholic Church and Car Repair.

Basically the only place where you can receive the sacrament of Reconciliation and a wax job. And yes, it’s in Belgium.

50. Now let’s get this house to stand right back up again.

Oh, wait. My mistake. Looks like it was how this house was built, and not as though it had been through a hurricane. Sorry.

51. Murg seemed to like earth so much that he ended up settling down and turning his spaceship into a home.

Of course, he thought his spaceship was so large and spacious than most houses that he didn’t bother with going through renovations. At least on the outside, that is.

52. Now how about some dark woodwork with that painted wooden siding?

While I was in marching band in high school, we played against a school that had brown and yellow as a school color. And let me say, these two colors don’t go well together at all, except maybe in the toilet.

53. Nothing makes a house a home like unconventional window placement.

However, there is such a thing as being too much unconventional that it makes the house seem like a residence for a Dr. Seuss character.

54. Welcome to our elevated trailer park apartments.

I think someone made a gingerbread display of this that I posted for gingerbread architecture. Still, I don’t think trailers tend to bring down property values in a lot of ways. At least in America.

55. In the future, everyone will live in these large concrete spheres that seem to appear from some futuristic Soviet era.

Please, don’t make me live here. The prospect of residing in these mammoth balls of concrete seems like depressing prospect to me. Also, they tend to resemble giant aliens from outer space or something. And they don’t seem too happy.

56. Nothing says home, like a curvy brown home suitable for the CEO of UPS.

If it wasn’t for the windows, I would’ve mistaken this house for a colossal turd from some extremely large mythical creature. Seriously, this is one of the ugliest houses in modern architecture I’ve ever seen.

57. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the IKEA trailer.

Now I may equate trailers with hillbillys and country music. But let me say, that even the worst looking trailers I’ve seen have never been as ugly as this one. Let’s just say I don’t equate trailers with high concept design and there’s a reason for it.

58. Of course, you can never go overboard with fancy decorations on a house.

Actually, I take that back you can, especially if the house is brown. Still, looks like a kind of house I’d expect Willy Wonka to own. I mean he has to have some space to escape from all those Oompa Loompas singing.

59. Now here’s a nice little tower house for fans of Jurassic Park.

Then again, I think a dinosaur quashing it might improve its looks. I mean it just seems more like a house I’d see aliens living in who miss the architecture from their planets.

60. Apparently this house was built by an architect inspired by the soaring bald eagle’s rear end.

Let’s just say this marvel in modern architecture just seems to be the architect’s expression of basically saying, “Up yours!” to his or her clients. Yet, the stupid clients weren’t smart enough to figure that out.

61. Looks like the parents loved how they did the kids’ room so much that they wanted the whole house painted like this.

Now I wouldn’t be surprised if this house was in Sweden and the head of IKEA lived there. And I wouldn’t even be at all surprised if that person had to build the house from a set of pictoral instructions.

62. Nothing brings out the nice Florida atmosphere than a house painted lime green.

Remember, kids, friends don’t let friends paint their houses in lime green even in Florida. That goes the same way with most of the houses painted in the outfit colors of Florida residents over 65, especially in Boca Raton.

63. Perhaps you were seeking a house in a more naturalistic architectural style.

Now this house seems to resemble a gigantic tree monster who’d basically devour you if you ever try to cut down any of its sacred trees. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to live there.

64. Wow! What a colorful row of row houses.

Now this really seems like a tacky day in this neighborhood. This is why row houses should always be built in the same style. Else, I’m sure some neighborhood onlooker is going to break out in seizures.

65. Hey, kids, there’s the home of Sam I Am from Green Eggs and Ham no less.

Well, it looks like one of those houses you’d find in a Dr. Seuss book. I’m sure Dr. Seuss would be surprised that his work might’ve inspired a whole architectural movement.

66. I’m sure blue and orange is a great color scheme for any house.

Man, someone must be a huge fan of the Syracuse Orange that they don’t even bother considering how tacky their house looks. I get migraines just looking at that place.

67. I’m sure building a home based on your daughter’s dollhouse seemed like a very good idea at the time.

Now just because the facade would go great on a dollhouse, doesn’t mean it will translate well in real life. Besides, I’m sure the dollhouse that served as an inspiration was made by Fisher Price.

68. I’m sure this warehouse will provide well for your storage needs.

Wait a minute, this is an actual house? Then why does it look like the kind of place Walter White would store his meth stash? And why does it seem to lack total character?

69. Now I’m sure green and red would make your house appear rather festive during the holiday season.

Maybe this house would look perfectly fine during the Christmas season. But other times of the year? Not so much. Also, is that lime green?

70. This mansion design was brought to you by Lincoln Logs.

Now I’m sure this is the place where Bruce Wayne trained with Raz al’ Ghul in the Dark Knight Saga. Then again, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Batman Begins anyway.

71. Now I’m sure this yellow house will strike your fancy.

I’m sure this house was based off that Veggie Tales episode on the Alamo. You know, the one with Davy Broccoli, Jim Beet and General Santa Artichoke.

72. Now let’s put a sun light near the angle so we can save money non energy.

I suppose this place was the starting home of Lex Luthor. I hear his ex-wife lives in that place to this day and that they’re not on very good terms.

73. There were so many great colors we couldn’t decide. So we went with all of them.

Looks like the paint fumes really seem to get to the painters in this case. You know how inhaling paint could make you see certain things.

74. Now this house just makes me see spots just looking at it. Great big colorful ones.

Now this polka dot house may get the neighbors asking the owner, “Are you high?” Also, I’m sure that they don’t go well on a house at all.

75. Now I just need a big garage to park my car and a nice circular window to spy on the neighbors.

Let’s just say, I wouldn’t want to live in a neighborhood with a house like this. Besides, I don’t think the small warehouse garage and the awning like front part go well with the rest of the house either.

Halloween Party Tricks or Treats (But Mostly Treats, Sort of)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 18, 2014

Halloween is one of those time of the year that we have parties. After all, it’s one of those fun holidays in which you can dress in a costume as well as attend events that may feature games and food or perhaps drinking and dancing for the adults. And while you may seem obligated to spend Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving with your family, this isn’t so much the case on Halloween. Still, Halloween parties also provide a wide array of party treats that range from the creatively adorable to those that make you gag. And since it’s a scary holiday, creepiness and grossness are mostly encouraged. So in this post, I’ll show all the diverse dishes you’d find at Halloween parties that you’d probably not see in a Martha Stewart magazine or any cookbook as far as I know. Some of these may be for kids while others are certainly more adult oriented. So for your viewing pleasure and dismay, here are some Halloween party treats.

1. For those who got a cut, here are some band-aids and Q-tips.

As disgusting as they may appear, a cuisine meant to resemble a Civil War surgeon’s kit would be more vomit inducing.

2. For your veggie platter, here is a skeleton.

You’ll see a few of these. Yet, help yourself to the pepper ribs, the mushroom pelvis, the cucumber spine, and the celery and carrot limbs and shoulders.

3. Now take a bite out of cupcakes like Mrs. Lovett would make.

Don’t worry, these are just cupcakes, not bits of human flesh. If so, that would be cannibalism. Still, enough to make you puke, eh?

4. Now feast your eyes on these peepers.

These are probably kind of the cupcakes I’d expect Count Olaf to make. Of course, I’m not sure how many of you have read A Series of Unfortunate Events to get this. Nevertheless, they seem to be terrifyingly watching you.

5. Now you might want to feast your guts on this, literally.

Of course, this intestinal delectable may cause you to puke your guts out instead. I’m sure this sends a lot of Instagram foodie viewers to the toilet during this time of year.

6. Now you might want to have some fingers for dessert.

Now these are most likely breaded fingers with nut nails on them. Still, it’s a great way to trick vegetarians into thinking they’ve committed cannibalism.

7. Behold, spinach and artichoke dip straight from the mummy’s tomb.

Now this isn’t really scary but there’s a curse for those who partake of this creamy spinach and artichoke dip from Pharaoh Askenaten’s tomb.

8. Now for an appetizer, here’s some brain on a platter.

Let’s hope this brain isn’t from somebody named Abby Normal. Now that would be very, very bad. Of course, it’s probably just watermelon.

9. Oh, no, why did you have to serve Lego Frankenstein heads on sticks?

Actually they’re just marshmallows covered in chocolate. Still, they do tend to resemble disembodied Lego Frankenstein heads though.

10. Put a little “axe” on that cupcake, please.

Now that’s what I call a bloody cupcake. Very gory to say the least. Still, were those blood spattering axes homemade or bought from some party store?

11. Now for our party veggie platter, a cat skeleton.

Now I didn’t know that cats had skeletons made fro veggies and crackers. This is a very interesting specimen indeed.

12. Behold, the cheese dip mummy.

Now I could see the next Wallace and Gromit feature a cheese dip mummy. Would be very terrified if it’s made out of Wensleydale or cheddar.

13. Be fruity with these strawberry white chocolate covered ghosts.

Now if you put them in the fondue, they will haunt your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.

14. For those who want to eat healthy, here are some carrot fingers.

What? You didn’t know that carrots had fingers? Well, neither did I. But apparently Google Images says so.

15. For those who want their mummy, here are some mummy cookies.

Now these are just cute, but very creepy as well. Still, I don’t want to know what’s in them if they’re wrapped like that.

16. Since there may not be many pumpkins in Italy, it’s fair to say that they make a jack-o-pizza for Halloween.

Actually, I might only be joking here. Yet, still, Italians in Italy really do make pizza without the cheese and tomato sauce. Whether they make jack-o-pizzas, I may never know.

17. For an appetizer, here’s a bowl of deviled eyeballs.

Actually, they’re deviled eggs made to resemble eyeballs. Still, they’re enough to make you gag or lose your appetite.

18. Blood soup with eyeballs and bugs, anyone?

Okay, it’s not really as sick as it’s made out to be. I mean it’s only tomato soup with eyeball crackers and the bug is a prop. Still, I just love to say that.

19. Now for the kids, candy corn on the cob.

Very clever, but I wonder if the disgusting part is that those kernels are made out of wax and sugar. Also, there are kids who don’t want them.

20. Now here’s a couple hotdogs under some crispy mummy wraps.

Of course, what’s scarier than having hot dog mummies, is having to use them as subjects in a college lab experiment at Saint Vincent.

21. Now let me introduce you to the “Pilsbury Dead Boys.”

Nice that this person used gummy worms, oreo, and a gingerbread cookie cutter for these. Still, I’m not sure kids would take the reference of dead cookie bodies rising out from the dirt. Disgusting.

22. Thanks a lot, waiter, the pepperoni I ordered is infested with spiders and ghosts.

Waiter: “Well, that’s our ghost spider pizza deluxe, ordered straight from the haunted house.”
Me: “Oh, sorry. I didn’t think the spiders were part of the entree.”

23. And for dessert, here’s some kitty litter cake.

Ugh, no thanks, please. The sight of that just made me lose my appetite.

24. For all you meat lovers out there, how about some barbecue ribs?

Of course, this delectable is said to be based on an old family recipe. Well, an old family recipe for those who have ancestors in the Donner Party.

25. Now for the piece de resistance, brains.

Please don't tell me you got this from a dead body somewhere, or I would puke my guts out.

Please don’t tell me you got this from a dead body somewhere, or I will puke my guts out. I’m sure it’s gelatin. Oh, please be gelatin.

26. Now for the entree, a rat.

Hey, at least it’s not the one Blanche Hudson got in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Still, a rat cake, disgusting.

27. I call this dish child’s soup.

Now I guess child’s soup contains parts from a dead child. Okay, that’s just plain sick and demented. Seriously, that’s something you’d serve to Hannibal Lecter.

28. Okay, folks, now eat my shit.

Now these may just be pastries that taste like chocolate. However, it doesn’t make me more likely to eat them.

29. So how would you like your finger dog?

Now this is very disgusting if you know what I mean. Doesn’t help that it’s made from meat.

30. Now for the main course, here are some freshly dug up bones from the garden.

Of course, those bones may not be real but I’m sure Scruffy may think them tasty. Of course, make sure the dog is nowhere near these if you want to eat them.

31. Now have a piece of this bloodied up brain, will you?

Now this the goriest and most disgusting brain I’ve ever seen. Yet, if you want to trap zombies, this is perhaps the best bait you can do.

32. Just a cheese pizza with pepperoni and spiders.

Now you have admire how this person used veggies and pepperoni to create a spider infestation here.

33. Hey, who left the glass hand in the punch bowl?

Now I see that the marshmallows tend to resemble bones which is pretty sick if you know what I mean. Still, wouldn’t want to drink anything that had a bloody hand rising from it.

34. A spider just made a web in my pizza.

No, the spiderweb is actually made from cheese and the spider is made from olives. Still, very much in the Halloween spirit though.

35. For dessert, we’re having a mutilated corpse.

Makes a lot of the cakes in my baby shower cake post seem less gruesome in comparison. And if it weren’t for the cartoonish face, I would’ve thought it came from the morgue.

36. I want my mummy toast!

Of course, these are more adorable than scary if I pray tell. Then again, this is supposed to be a kiddie treat.

37. For those who don’t like mummy toast, here’s mummy pizza.

Looks very similar to mummy toast except circular. Probably is if this person made a pizza via an English muffin.

38. Ah, green fingers, excellent!

I almost thought they were asparagus shoots made to resemble green fingers. That is, until I saw the bottom pretzel ends.

39. In Candyland, you might want to stay away from the black licorice with the ground covered in candy corn.

Understanding that black licorice and candy corn aren’t high on people’s favorite Halloween candy lists, I wonder if these were just made for decoration. Then again, they’re mounted on chocolate and graham crackers.

40. Now for dessert, I bring you skull cake.

So I guess having a bloody skull cake covered in white icing would’ve made it seem too realistic and graphic for some people. Still, quite disgusting.

41. Behold, the haunted cemetery of health food.

I’m not sure if I would call pretzels or crackers health food. Still, more of a clever platter creation than scary.

42. To go with your dinner, here is some bony bread sticks.

Of course, the person who took this picture called these, “salty bones.” Still, I hope they aren’t mistaken for real bones though.

43. For Mexican flair, perhaps have a jack-o-lantern quesadilla.

The scariest part of this dish is that it’s actually better for you than anything you’d get at Taco Bell. Of course, that place doesn’t carry real Mexican food anyway.

44. For the kids we have these cute little pretzel brooms.

They may not be the kind of treats you’d serve at a Halloween party for adults, but they don’t seem too bad. Still, you have to admire using the cheese as a broom fringe.

45. Didn’t know that witches’ hats came in such varieties.

Of course, these are cookies with Hershey’s kisses on top. Still, I’d eat em. Then again, I’d eat almost any sugary treat with chocolate.

46. Aha, so I see a bunch of severed heads impaled on toothpicks. How interesting.

Now I know these aren’t real severed heads. Yet, who’s sick and twisted idea was it to make treats with impaled heads?

47. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present a heart on a platter.

Hey, it’s Halloween what do you expect a heart cake to look like this time of year! This isn’t Valentine’s Day, people!

48. For the main course, I thought we could serve some broiled hand.

Of course, if it didn’t have a vegetable stuffed in it, you probably would’ve thought it was somebody’s severed hand burned to a crisp.

49. I bring you the $5 dollar foot meatloaf.

Still, compared to Subway’s $5 foot long, this is actually a foot. Also, you can eat it with family. Sounds pretty gross does it?

50. Hope that doughnut doesn’t eat me for breakfast.

Now this is a pretty ghoulish doughnut. Yet, what’s scarier about this ferocious fritter is the damage it can do to your arteries.

51. For the appetizer we have some minidog finger wraps.

They are called finger wraps because they’re made to look like actual fingers. You know, finger food.

52. For the entree, I give you all worms.

These worms look so real that I lose my appetite just looking at them. Yet, I’m sure this is a robin’s version of Thanksgiving dinner.

53. For a nice little snack, here are some spooky candy pretzels.

May not be scary but I’ll eat them. Also, they’re pretty cute though they don’t resemble ghosts to me in any way.

54. Here’s some stuffed jack-o-peppers with spaghetti in them.

Of course, these seem pretty sick but fairly clever. Yet, I’m not sure if the pasta is supposed to represent the pumpkin contents or worms.

55. Feast your eyes on these spider web treats.

Amazing all the things you can make with chocolate and pretzels. And there’s a chocolate spider in the center.

56. Oh, look, a spider cheese ball.

Now I don’t know about you but large spiders are certainly scary. This is especially true if they’re covered in olives to look realistic.

57. For your dessert, I bring you these spider cupcakes.

These must be the scariest cupcakes I’ve ever seen. Also, these spiders look as if they’re out for blood and aren’t very happy.

58. Behold, the jack-o-lantern vegetable platter.

Not scary but mostly made out of baby carrots and olives. Will give you a rather healthy but appetizing snack.

59. Oh, shit, there’s a roach infestation in my popcorn.

Sorry, my mistake. This is a Halloween snack and the roaches are made from chocolate. Then again a chocolate roach seems pretty disgusting.

60. Of course, could you give me a hand with the dessert?

If that means cutting my hand off for that, then no way in hell. Please, this severed hand cake almost makes me puke.

61. Nothing says Halloween like a pizza pie eye.

Now this pizza pie kin of makes me sick to my stomach. Lucky it’s bigger than most eyeballs would be, save perhaps a giant squid.

62. For those on the go, here is a piece of a lung calzone.

I hope these golden brown lungs taste better than they look. I mean seriously, a lung calzone?

63. Feast your eyes on this evil clown cake.

Whoever made this cake is perhaps one of the best pastry artists who ever lived. Also, perhaps Halloween is one of the few holidays when this clown cake is appropriate.

64. For lunch munch on a snake hoagie.

One of these days, perhaps this slithering $5 foot long would be at a Subway near you, but I highly doubt it.

65. Man, these skeletons seem to have serious problems.

Now these are clever cookies with each having a different personality. Too bad you can’t do the same for Christmas.

66. For appetizers, here’s a skull on the cracker platter.

Now that skull seems out of its mind as the dip. Still, pretty creepy to say the least.

67. And now I give you some Mexican graveyard dip on a plate.

Now I guess that seems like quite the party platter there. Still, I hope the green ooze is just guacamole.

68. For appetizers, feel free to dip into the spider web.

Now I’m sure this would be a nightmare to an arachnophobic who loves guacamole. I wonder if that person would dip his or nacho in it.

68. For those who like to grill, here are some jack-o-burgers.

Of course, you have to carve jack-o-lantern faces on the cheese before you attach them to the burgers. Then again, my dad likes to toast the cheese to the bun anyway.

70. Eeek! There’s a large spider in the salsa dip.

Actually the giant spider is the salsa bowl. Still, pretty scary despite being made of delicious bread.

71. How about some eyeballs and ham head.

Now this seems like a an appetizer platter for headhunters. Almost makes me want to throw up dinner just looking at it.

72. And now for dessert, why are there giant spiders on the cakes?

Now that’s a frightening display of cakes that would make Ron Weasley shiver in fear. Still, for some it’s very unappetizing.

73. For those who like cheese and pumpkins, here’s a jack-o-cheese ball.

Now this may not be scary or gross, but it’s certainly kid friendly. Of course, this may not be the case after a bunch of crackers have been in it.

74. Now here are some witchy cupcakes for the kids.

Of course, they remind me of blue witches’ cats in cone hats and covered in blue icing. Yet, what do I know about what witches look like?

75. I’m afraid I’ll have to go on the graveyard cake shift again.

Now this is one cool cemetery cake I’d like to see at any Halloween party. I mean it’s pretty amazing.

76. I don’t think this is ants on a log or must I be mistaken?

Wait, those must be spiders on a log. As if ants on a log isn’t creepy enough. Well, at least it doesn’t have raisins.

77. For your Halloween party, have your guests dip their pretzel sticks in boogers.

Actually I think that’s dyed chocolate. But still, looks quite disgusting and unappetizing.

78. Hope the party doesn’t get too scary with these witch cone treats.

Love the green heads on these. Of course, these treats are more or less adorable than scary. Still appropriate though.

79. Of course, your kids are sure to enjoy these scary mummy Oreo pops.

Yes, these are sure to cause your children nightmares. Actually no, but still quite ingenious if you ask me.

80. Guess you have to let these brownies rest in peace.

Guess Halloween is the time of year where you can make any plot of brownie treats into a grave yard. Doesn’t scare me enough to eat them.

Halloween Candy Trick or Treaters Don’t Want

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 10, 2014

Trick or treating has always been a Halloween tradition in which children would change in their costumes as well as carry their buckets to say, “Trick or Treat” to people all over the neighborhood. Of course, with me you had to get the aid of a car and/or word of some nearby town was doing it since I lived in the country. I’ve trick or treated in towns like Smithton, West Newton, and Rostraver. Yet, I also did a bit of trick or treating in college since it was the only place where I didn’t need to drive and didn’t have older people think there’s something wrong with. I mean I had to stop trick or treating after I turned 12 or 13 where I lived. Still, I enjoyed this tradition and perhaps someday I’ll take my kids trick or treating as well. Maybe I won’t dress up as a Hogwarts schoolgirl like I did in college but I definitely would take my kids out to get candy from strangers as well as make their costumes like my mom did back in the day. Of course, no matter how much I love dressing up in costumes for candy as well as candy in general (particularly chocolate), there were certain treats I didn’t really care for. Yet, I would find these every year in my bag whether I wanted to eat them or not. Nevertheless, if there’s a trick or treating event in your neighborhood this Halloween season, then perhaps I could cue you in on some of the candies the local kids won’t like. So without further adieu, here are some of the candy that will make children hate you this Halloween season. Warning: may not all necessarily be candies, just stuff people have received trick or treating.

1. Flavored Tootsie Rolls-regular Tootsie Rolls are kind of gross if you really think about it. I mean they kind of look like dog turds. Yet, to have one that’s vanilla or orange cream flavor, ugh.

2. Smarties-these are usually the last candies left in anyone’s Halloween haul. Basically all that’s in them is sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavors, food coloring, and possibly chalk dust. You’re better off eating a bowl full of sugar with a spoon. Basically, these are what people buy to give to kids if they don’t want to go over their minuscule candy budget. If Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by trick or treaters, he’d give them these.

3. Good & Plenty-even for those who like black licorice, these are never a welcome sign. Sure there are plenty of them in their 1960s era package design, but many say they are as bitter the pill medicine they’re shaped as.

4. Candy Corn-hey, I actually kind of like this candy and I kind of feel bad putting this imitation 1880s kernel on the list. However, many tend to say this Halloween icon tastes like the wax, corn syrup, and sugar it was made from. Isn’t called “the fruitcake of Halloween” for nothing.

5. Dots-they may look chewy but having them in your mouth will give you as much sensation as piece of sugar coated half-hardened cement.

6. Now and Later-well, I don’t really hate them but they do have a texture of stale taffy that you wonder was ever fresh to begin with. Not to mention, I’ve eaten a few and have been surprised that I didn’t break any of my teeth afterwards. Also, check if the person giving you them is a dentist because he or she may have a hidden agenda like spending Christmas vacation to the Bahamas.

7. Strawberry Hard Candy-these just look like easily rewrapped candy in strawberry styled plastic wrap. Yet, people like them though I didn’t. And according to Complex, “The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center.”

8. Bubblegum-if it’s Dubble Bubble or Bazooka, either it’s the remains of a surplus made 20 years ago or made from an instantly stale formula. May seem to have a flavor at first but after a few seconds, becomes a tasteless, rubbery, mass that may ruin your teeth.

9. Wax Bottles-if you were the kid who used to pick the wax droppings from the candles and ate them, then these candies are for you. Well, the wax bottle anyway. Still, I hear the stingingly sugary sweet processed juice in them is nasty.

10. Necco Wafers-one person from Thrillist writes, “If I wanted to eat orange-flavored chalk, I would just eat orange-flavored chalk, and save everyone the charade.” Also, despite that they’re practically reviled as a candy for chalky texture and invariable staleness, they’re still being made and sold. It’s a great mystery to us all. And form TopTenz, “They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.”

11. Mary Janes- this may seem like a good idea for a kid’s candy since it’s a molasses and peanut butter flavored taffy. No one will ever eat them. Of course, there are the other kind of Mary Jane candies but they’re not for kids and only legal in the state of Washington and Colorado where, “sitting around the campfire, everybody’s high,” in the words of John Denver.

12. Fireballs-yes, they are a strong timeless candy yet, you have to suck on these for about 15 minutes or more. You can devour more candy in that time frame. Yet, as for me, I try to save it as long as possible.

13. Almond Joy/Mounds-if the cherry fondue is the last candy in a chocolate box to be eaten, then anything with coconut is a close second.

14. Fruit (save maybe candy apples)-basically, giving trick or treaters fruit says, “Hey, I’m a major health nut who cares more about not contributing to juvenile diabetes more than I care about Halloween tradition.” It’s even worse if they’re apples with razor blades. Hey, if you don’t want to contribute to juvenile diabetes during Halloween the least you can do is hand out pieces of paper with George Washington’s face. Even quarters are acceptable.

15. Bit-O-Honey-from Thrillist, “I’m sure these these were ALL THE RAGE on Boy Scout expeditions back in ‘52, but c’mon — we’re an evolving people.” Said to always taste stale and takes very long to eat.

16. Fruit Snacks-may be appropriate for school lunches in elementary school but certainly not in candy bags during Halloween.

17. Gingerbread Cookies-now I love gingerbread cookies, but they’re Christmas so it’s too freaking early. Also, those cookies might just as well be leftovers from last Christmas or earlier. Gross.

18. Spare Change-look, I was totally cool with receiving money from adults during trick or treating and even would appreciate more so now since I’m an unemployed college graduate who lives with her parents. However, no child wants to receive chump change like nickels, dimes, and pennies. Now that’s just being cheap.

19. Dum Dums Lollipops-I hated these as a kid and still don’t care for them now. Just these small little lollipops with a cheap taste you see at a bank that aren’t worth my time.

20. Green Tea Kit Kats- now there are some who like green tea and Kit Kats, but not in the same candy. Of course, this is Japan, but even Japanese children wouldn’t stand for this shit. I mean who eats a green Kit Kat Bar is like saying who in their right mind would eat green eggs and ham? (No offense, Dr. Seuss.) Just don’t break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Sorry, Japan.

21. Runts-for me, these were better suited as fake fruit for my Barbie Dolls than anything edible. As a writer from the Houston Press said, “Someone out there really likes the taste of rotten, overripe fruit, and that person invented Runts. The banana flavor is particularly offensive.” At least they’re said to be disappearing, thanks to the decline of coin operated candy dispensers.

22. Reese’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups-as one writer of the Houston Press put it, “A perfect example of how the unnecessary introduction of white chocolate (which is not even chocolate, btw) ruins a perfectly respectable product.” Yeah, white chocolate and peanut butter, put it up there with the cherry fondue.

23. Hershey’s Creme Kisses-the cherry cordial is full of what is said to taste like cough syrup while the orange crème isn’t much better. It’s like the cherry fondue in a chocolate box which is extremely nasty that people usually eat it last.

24. Candy Buttons-these artificially colored sugar mounds on cheap paper are actually so tasteless one writer from the Houston Press noted but, “every time I eat them I feel like I’m overdosing on birth control pills.” The kiddies are better off with these containing LSD or some other kind of acid from Woodstock.

25. Jujubes-don’t taste like the real fruits they claim to represent. Also, tend to get stuck at your teeth and perhaps dislodge any dental work.

26. Circus Peanuts- these are said to be among the cheapest, nastiest, and old fashioned crap confections. According to someone from the Houston Press, they “taste little like legumes and more like amorphous citrus desiccated marshmallows invented by aliens.”

27. Candy Cigarettes-yes, we had a lot of fun with these as kids, yet they just don’t have a good taste. Probably better off using pretzels as cigarettes instead. Heard a nearby school district passed these out, which I think is hilarious. Still, the vintage ones look even more realistic with the packaging. You know those were out just to get the kiddies hooked.

28. Candy Necklaces- these taste like chalk and don’t go with anything you’d wear, especially if you’re a guy.

29. Sour Candies-I have no taste for these and I’ve heard they’re even worse for your teeth than regular candy. Also, they taste really, really bad.

30. Original Boston Baked Beans-as a writer from the Houston Press said, “Disgustingly similar to owl pellets in terms of texture, Boston Baked Beans are actually shriveled peanuts covered in scarlet sugar glop. The only thing that might get me to buy this woeful candy would be if it came in a mini bean pot.”

31. Butterscotch Candies-seem just the kind of hard caramel candies you’d find in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

32. Raisins-it’s basically dried fruit and what many people might give kids as a healthier substitute than candy. I always hate it when I bite in what I thought was a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie only to discover it had raisins in it.

33. Toothbrushes-these should only be reserved as giveaways from dental appointments not for trick or treating.

34. Milk Duds-from E!, “’Dud’ is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.”

35. Raisinets- doesn’t matter how much chocolate it’s covered with, it’s still a raisin. Seriously, for those who give them out to kids in order to encourage good health, this is particularly cruel.

36. Black Licorice-gets a bad rap for a reason. Also, studies show that nobody under 80 likes these but that may have to do with the fact that they were children during the Great Depression who were just happy to get anything that’s candy. Heard it’s made out of the same material used to insulate electric cords.

37. Whoppers-possibly among the most divisive candies of all time. Also, that chocolate shell isn’t really chocolate. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about those malted milk balls.

38. Root Beer Barrels-actually all pop flavored candy isn’t really that good, according to most people. Besides, we all know that people drink pop for the carbonation, not the fizz.

39. Peanut Chews- from Complex, “This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here’s the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.”

40. Sixlets- basically these are M&Ms without the Ms or possibly a bootleg version. Will melt in your hand and packaging, not your mouth.

41. Peppermint Hard Candies-basically the kind you give to someone to let them know that they’re suffering from halitosis. Also, used in waiting rooms and hotels. On Halloween, these may have been in people’s households since Christmas.

42. Crows-basically if all the Dots gumdrops mated with the black licorice, it would result in these. Also, kind of look like small turds from a rabbit.

43. Orange Slices-sugar coated orange candies made to seem like orange slices. Most trick or treaters aren’t that desperate for candy to eat them.

44. Jawbreakers-basically take an hour to eat and may break your teeth. Also have a weak sugary flavor. Yet, kids will still eat them as Top Tenz says, “Kids don’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, they take it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.” Not a good candy for Halloween.

45. Razor Blades-now these are just bad and possibly illegal to hand out to kids. What a cruel trick indeed.

46. Tootsie Rolls-according to TopTenz, “Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.” Said to taste a year old.

47. Chocolate Coins-having chocolate coin in foil may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’s something about foil wrapping this delicious food that tends to turn into a major disappointment. Not only is foil wrapped chocolate disgusting but for no obvious reason why. As Top Tenz reports, “Maybe the coins sit on store shelves for too long and don’t age well, or maybe their low cost is maintained by replacing the regular ingredients for chocolate with murdered drifters. We’ll never know.”

48. Ring Pops-of course, they may belong in the category “seemed like a good idea at the time.” Yet, the second you start eating one, it turns into a sticky, disgusting mess. Anything you touch afterwards becomes gooey and gross and the cheap plastic scratches your fingers. Also, boys are mocked at school for wearing them perhaps as cross dressers, and it’s said that girls who really get into candy jewelry end up in the world’s oldest profession.

49. Aero Chocolate-high concept candy never works out for anyone, especially kids.

50. Strawberry Peanut Butter M&Ms-oh, please don’t mess with a classic, especially if it contains anything fruit flavored. Disgusting.

51. Peanut Butter Taffy-taste nothing like peanut butter and offer a terrible Halloween experience for kids. Someone at Nooga.com writes, “Other than getting molested by your uncle while he wears a werewolf mask, I can’t think of worse disappointment on Halloween than finding a bunch of these candies in a treat haul. These are the candies that are decomposing in that plastic pumpkin you stored in the closet from last Halloween. Dogs don’t even like these, and they’re supposedly made of peanut butter.”

52. White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms-let’s see, basically these are jammed pack with artificial ingredients and deprived of nutritious content. Also, these probably taste as bad as you would expect. Oh, why Mars Corporation? Regular M&Ms would do just fine.

53. Marshmallow Peeps-these are for Easter so either use them for your peep dioramas or don’t buy them at all for Halloween.

54. Jelly Beans-unless, they’re from Bertie Botts, these aren’t appropriate for the Halloween season. And even then, the kids may not want to eat them.

55. Horehound-basically it’s a medicinal herb disguised as candy and mostly reserved for senior citizens with diabetes. Kids are better off getting cough drops. Also, it has a name of what you’d call a female dog that was humped by all the male dogs in the neighborhood.

56. Carrots-they’re food you eat for meals like lunch and dinner as well as an occasional healthy snack or at a party. Halloween isn’t the time for healthy alternatives.

57. Diet Candy Bars-oh, please, these are for self-conscious adults who want to lose weight but not for kids who just want candy and don’t care about their weight and health, yet.

58. Religious Pamplets- look, unless it’s from the kid’s religious class (or parochial school and/or local religious establishment like a church, mosque, temple, synagogue, coven, shrine, or cult commune), their presence isn’t welcomed in any private residence and are guaranteed to offend possibly non-religious parents (or parents belonging to a different religious tradition). I hear Chick Tracts are fairly famous ones which would be seen as offensive to almost every group of people out there other than perhaps conservative Fundamentalist Christians in the American South. Seriously, Halloween isn’t the time to proselytize the good news, especially to children. Still, these are worse than toothbrushes.

59. Hershey’s Candy Corn Crème Bars- yes, they exist and they resemble a yellow and orange bar of soap. It’s pretty disgusting.

60. Candy Canes-now why give out a candy on Halloween you use to decorate your Christmas Tree? Besides, it’s too early.

61. McDonald’s/Burger King Gift Certificates-yes, we’ve all got them and most of the time our parents tried using them after they were expired. You’re better off getting gift certificates from your local pizza place.

62. Thrills Soap Gum-from iVillage.ca, “Where did this stuff go when Halloween was over? Purple and soap-flavored, it was ALWAYS the last thing in your bag. But then one day in late November, you’d rifle through your old stash with a massive sugar craving, and that’s all that would be left. And you’d think…aw, heck, might as well chew it…..”

63. Pumpkin Peeps-for those who couldn’t resist the inedible marshmallow Easter icons, here’s the perfect Halloween treat for you. These are only for the peep diorama types, not for kids.

64. Ribbon Candy-from Mommyish, “This makes my skin crawl, as it brings back memories of the sharp ends of it slicing through my tongue. This stuff is actually a weapon. Maybe you should keep some in your purse.”

65. Business Swag-using Halloween as a way to promote your business platform. Explain to me how that’s going to make a kid happy. It isn’t.

66. Loose Peanuts-well, they may seem like healthy alternative, but are more suited for football games and aren’t likely to be enjoyed when not in a can. This is especially true if these legumes are found in their shells.

67. Sweet Tarts Squeeze-what the hell is this candy? Also, really gross for a night devoted to eating tons of sugar.

68. Old and Decrepit Toys-from Babble, “There are two families in my neighborhood (who perhaps know each other and copied the other’s trick-or-treat style) that collect old and dirty toys and tell innocent children to stick a hand inside a bag and pull out a rusted car or doll with a broken head while explaining to the parents that they are good toys but since they have no room for them, they hand out for Halloween.”

69. Mystery Candy-face it, kids won’t eat any candy they can’t identify or recognize.

70. Baby Ruth Bars-just have too many peanuts and not enough chocolate.

71. Candy Apple Milky Way Bars-from Chicago Now, “Can you imagine the surprise on some 8 year old’s face when they bite into this and instead of a rich, caramel and chocolate flavor they get a mouthful of fake candy apple? Was this a ploy on Milky Way’s part to decimate the candy apple business?”

72. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses-let’s face it, while the pumpkin spice latte may be popular, this doesn’t mean you put pumpkin spice in everything. According to a writer from Chicago Now, “I think these are completely disgusting, but I’m not really a huge pumpkin fan to begin with. Personally, I’d rather indulge in some pumpkin seeds than the fake pumpkin flavored chocolate. Have you ever had a kid ask you for pumpkin flavored chocolate? I’m not talking about asking if they could put chocolate syrup on pumpkin pie, but a chocolate bar that has been soiled by pumpkin seasoning. Sure there might be a few adults that enjoy this one, but spare the children.”

73. Brach’s Candy Corn Gummies- according to a writer from Chicago Now, “In this horrific experiment, they got rid of the one good thing about regular candy corn and replaced it with a rubbery, chewy texture that you just can’t get out of your mouth quick enough. Why would anyone think this would be a good idea?”

74. Political Ads-second to unwelcome stuff you can put in a kid’s trick or treat bag are these, especially if you’re a political candidate. Save the ads for Election Day if you want to give them out.

75. Anything Tampered-now receiving a treat that may have some tampering on it, well, if you give anything containing razor blades or poison, then you can expect a lawsuit from the parents or jail. You’d be surprised how often this happens and sometimes it makes the news. So don’t be that guy. Also, goes the same for candy laced with illegal drugs or any substance that’s illegal for people under 21.

76. Pop-now giving out candy is one thing, but giving out carbonated beverages, well, they’re even less healthy than the standard Halloween fare. And I have received this on Halloween.

77. Eggs-let’s see, they aren’t candy and can easily break. Best served to be thrown by teenagers.

78. Rocks-no child wants a Halloween trick or treat bag like Charlie Brown’s and even he’s miserable getting them.

79. Poop-this one speaks for itself whether it be from you or your dog. Now that’s just worse than rocks.

80. Nothing-from 2Shopper, “At least when you have bad Halloween candy, you’ve still earned some reward. When you receive nothing for painting your face and looking ridiculous out in public, you might as well join the kid who got a rock for Halloween.” Yes, giving nothing might lead to these same crying little kids throw rocks at your house later. I mean c’mon, it would be nicer if you gave out stuff like crunchy frogs, ram’s bladder cups, cockroach clusters, or spring surprise.

The Wonderful World of Halloween Pumpkin Carving

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 9, 2014

Carving pumpkins has always been a Halloween traditions since the legend of the Jack-o’-lantern. People tend to open a pumpkin, empty out all the seeds and entrails, carve a face, and put a light in it to for the outside. Of course, there are people who engage themselves in this Halloween tradition and some who don’t. Still, many people do carve some amazing pumpkins for this Halloween season. I can go on with how amazing some of these carvings are but you probably don’t want to hear that. Instead I’ll do a post on pumpkin carvings that are either not family friendly and/or doomed to offend your neighbors or drive trick or treaters away. Nevertheless, Halloween is one of those holidays where you could get away with being tacky or creepy so this was a hard post and some images may be not safe for work. Viewer discretion is advised. So without further adieu and your viewing pleasure, here’s an assortment of Halloween pumpkins you don’t want to see on your block.

1. Guess, pumpkins need a way to cope when nature calls.

I’m sure a display saying “2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup” won’t go well with guests. Also, it’s pretty disgusting on what’s implied to be in the cup. This just takes bathroom humor a little too far.

2. Now this jack-o’-lantern seems to be too jackshit crazy over burning his own kind.

Okay, that’s a little too disturbing and very unsafe. I mean this pumpkin is just vile taking over the grill burning his smaller counterparts. Sheesh.

3. Now I’m sure the kiddies will appreciate this reenactment of the Death Star blowing up Alderaan.

Now this isn’t a safe pumpkin and a rather traumatizing one to Star Wars fans. Hope this isn’t where kids could walk through.

4. Pumpkin in a plastic bag, what can go wrong here?

Is it just me or does it just seem like a depiction of a jack-o’-lantern drowning or suffocating? Either way it’s pretty bad since people have been killed through plastic bags.

5. Looks like someone is taking pleasure in his meal.

Of course, having his orange friend feasting on his innards won’t go so well for the white pumpkin. Still, this is just sick and very disturbingly cannibalistic.

6. Behold, the jack-o’-centipede.

For those who’ve seen the terrible Human Centipede movies, I’m sure you’d probably not want your kids to visit a house with a pumpkin carving designed to imitate this. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

7. Of course, some pumpkins still need to do the time.

But having them spend prison in a pumpkin shell, well, I can’t even think about it. Of course, this is one of the least inappropriate of the bunch.

8. I’m sure Jack must’ve done something terribly wrong to get the chair.

Seriously, the death penalty isn’t really a subject you should mock, especially since the electric chair is still used for execution in a few states as well as seen as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. Now here’s a good idea on what to do when you have an old aquarium you haven’t used since your pet turtle died.

However, just don’t create the impression of your carved pumpkins drowning. I mean drowning isn’t something people should joke about, even on Halloween. This is especially true for those who live near the coast or work at a pool.

10. Behold, a Halloween pumpkin tribute to the Alien movies.

Actually, I’m 24 years old and this display just makes me puke. Still, this is just far too graphic for any Halloween display. Guaranteed to traumatize the kiddies for sure.

11. Congratulations, it’s quintuplets. and a bunch of red pumpkins.

Let’s just say, displays that show the delivery room and nature’s bounty in a cornucopia don’t go together. Nice to make those gourds look like boobs though.

12. I didn’t say “Let’s play doctor.” I said, “Let’s play Medieval doctor.”

Now this is just graphic and sick. I understand gory Halloween displays, but this just frightens trick or treaters. Besides, that pumpkin with a saw needs to be put to jail.

13. Oh, no, it’s the claw.

This display makes me more terrified of vending machines than I ever had since watching Toy Story. Also, I don’t think the big pumpkin’s intentions are good.

14. Hmmm…pumpkin brain surgery, now I’ve seen everything.

Sure it may look clever but that brain gourd seems too close to the real thing. Also, it might scare the kids.

15. Use your pumpkin to store your beer for this year’s Oktoberfest by attaching a tap on it.

Warning: must try to store it in a safe place when Halloween comes around. Also, don’t attempt this if your friends suspect you of alcoholism.

16. Oh, look a man and a oh, my God!

What the fuck? Seriously, bestiality is animal abuse! Why does anyone think this is funny? Seriously, such display basically offends everyone and won’t attract trick or treaters. WTF is right. Not cool.

17. Oh, look a princess pumpkin carving. Wait a minute, this is a reenactment of Carrie!

Now perhaps we shouldn’t carve pumpkins to pay tribute to Stephen King novels. Still, at least it’s not a tribute to the Shawshank Redemption or the Green Mile.

18, Looks like this pumpkin seems to take advice from the Tim Taylor School of Technology.

I don’t think making a pumpkin depicting a garage mishap may not be very funny as it is on Home Improvement. Sad to say. Still, when you want to do a hammer head pumpkin, stick with the shark.

19. Now this pumpkin macdaddy sure is stylin’ with his foil grill and sunglasses.

Now this is just in really poor taste. Seriously, pimps are never good idea for Halloween costumes or pumpkins, especially if you have black people in your neighborhood.

20. Now this will be a perfect pumpkin for my sex dungeon.

Now this is just very inappropriate to children and perhaps offensive to those in the BDSM community. Then again, children may not know anything about BDSM as far as I know.

21. Oh, no, the jack-o’-lantern just blew his brains out!

Now this is just simply inappropriate and certain to offend neighbors. Using a gun in a Halloween display is never okay. Seriously, gun violence is nothing to joke about at all, especially suicide.

22. Looks like this pumpkin baby needs a diaper change.

I’m sure all parents have memories of this. Still, this is downright sick if you know what I mean. Besides, there are just some subjects that shouldn’t be used in decoration.

23. Now here’s a flasher pumpkin with a gourd genitalia.

Now this is a very inappropriate pumpkin carving, indeed. Seriously flashing is considered indecent exposure and sometimes street harassment that will get you arrested. Seriously, why?

24. Okay, keep your hands off your pumpkin butt.

Now this is just a really inappropriate design to display in your front yard. Not to mention, your neighbors might think it contains sexual connotations or feel very insulted.

25. Now there’s nothing like a hanging in a cemetery scene.

Wait a minute, we should remember, people in the South used to lynch black people by hanging them on a tree during segregation. Also, people kill themselves this way. This explains why hangings are never a good idea in a Halloween decoration.

26. Now here’s a pumpkin design taken straight from a truck’s sleazy mudflaps.

A naked mudflap lady on your decoration basically says, “Hi, I’m a single man and I’m a male chauvinist pig.” I know it may not apply to all men who have a thing for the mudflaps with the naked ladies, but it’s pretty much the stereotype.

27. Now here’s a pumpkin of how babies are made.

Now I’ve seen a lot of these pumpkin carvings with sex imagery. This one is about as tame as you can get. Still, I’m sure such pumpkin imagery is sure to offend parents.

28. Of course, there will certainly be a full moon tonight.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkins featuring naked backsides as well. The lady ones usually pertain to a witch. This one was about the least offensive but still inappropriate.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, the crack-ho’-lantern.

Now this is just plain offensive and racist even if the hair isn’t exactly black. Yet, we know how crack hos tend to be stereotyped. Seriously, why?

30. Now here’s a pumpkin on how babies are made.

Now this is just in poor taste. This is a more appropriate Halloween display for sex ed or a doctor’s office than anything else.

31. Nothing indicates a stoner residence like a carved pumpkin of a marijuana leaf.

Now I’m sure police wouldn’t want to search your house if they saw that pumpkin carving would they? Of course, that only goes for people who live outside of Colorado and the state of Washington. Still, Willie Nelson would be proud.

32. Great, now these pumpkins are devouring people!

Now this is pretty sick if you really think about it. Still, this pumpkin display is guaranteed to give young trick or treaters nightmares.

33. Well, maybe the pumpkin ate your baby.

Now having a carved pumpkin gnaw at some human leg is one thing. Yet, one devouring a little kid, now that’s just too disturbing to put in one’s yard.

34. Behold, the Hannibal-Lect-o’-lantern.

Now I’m sure using Silence of the Lambs isn’t an appropriate subject for pumpkin carvings. This is especially true when its a carving of a guy who said, “I ate his liver with a fine chianti and some fava beans.” Then again, Buffalo Bill would be a worse choice.

35. The Jack-o’-Lantern goes to the doctors.

Of course, this decoration should only be appropriate for medical offices that don’t take any children. Also, I’m not sure if the gown is put on the right way.

36. Use your pumpkin to store your nice cold beer for football season.

Now I’m sure this isn’t the kind of pumpkin carving suited for families. Might want to store this away from trick or treaters.

37. Oh, no, some pumpkin is wearing a thong!

Now this is just not an appropriate decoration that will offend parents traveling with their kids during trick or treating. Seriously, why?

38. Yikes! someone has pulled a grenade!

Now I’m sure a pumpkin grenade isn’t dangerous but it may trigger some painful memories among the war veterans in your life. Also, I’m sure that pumpkin on the left is scared shitless.

39. Pedobear says there’s free candy.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles as well as child sexualization like kiddie pageants and not as a mascot for pedophilia. However, this doesn't stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they're with their parents.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles and not as a mascot for pedophilia. Whenever, he’s on a picture it means, “you’re being creepy about a kid” and has been used to track down real pedophiles by authorities and Chris Hansen. However, this doesn’t stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they’re with their parents.

40. Come to this house and see nude girls now.

Now this gives “trick or treat” an inappropriate new meaning. Still, I hope this pumpkin display is at an actual strip joint and not some private residence. No one in their right mind would want this on their doorstep. Seriously, why?

41. Here the pumpkin chef reads a recipe while relieving himself.

If this is how the filling in pumpkin pie is made, then I’m going to barf. Seriously, this is really disgusting.

42. For those in the family way, why not break the news with a pumpkin display like this?

This pumpkin reminds me of those stomach cakes I saw when researching baby shower cakes. Let’s just say this is less heartwarming than just poor taste. Sorry, expectant parents.

43. For those welcoming their bundle of joy on this Halloween, here’s a little pumpkin to commemorate the occasion.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkin birth scenes on the internet. And let me say, it’s hard to believe unless you’ve seen them. Still, not an appropriate Halloween subject no matter how scary birth may be.

44. When you get Ablolut Vodka, you get absolutely buzzed.

Can’t believe that this won second place at a pumpkin carving contest. Too bad it’s bound to offend the neighbors, especially with the little pumpkin puking.

45. Never put a jack-o’-lantern in your yard for you’d never know when they’ll attack.

This is just too graphic for children trick or treaters. Let’s just say, one look at this and a child may be too traumatized to either carve pumpkins or do any landscaping.

46. And now, kids, this is how pumpkin pie is made.

So this is basically a way you can get a kid not to eat pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving again since they’ll think it’s pumpkin shit.

47. Sometimes pumpkins need to pay for college somehow.

A stripper pumpkin with a thong full of money, now I’ve seen everything. Still, this pumpkin display would make kids ask their parents, “Why does this pumpkin have its underwear with money?” I don’t think they want to answer that.

48. Guess this pumpkin couldn’t stand this cruel world any longer.

Okay, now this is just plain wrong. Seriously, suicide is nothing to laugh about, especially via shotgun. Also, very graphic with the pumpkin stuff on the wall.

49. Have the time of your reich, I mean life with this pumpkin tribute of Dirty Dancing.

What it’s supposed to be: A scene from Dirty Dancing featuring Patrick Swayze. What it looks like: Someone doing a Nazi salute. Moral: some scenes in pumpkins may look really different than what the carver intended.

50. Looks like this pumpkin had a bit too much to drink.

Now humor relating to drunk people puking may be funny for an adult audience. Yet, it’s not appropriate Halloween humor for most trick or treaters. Also, very messy.

Halloween Decorating Do’s and Don’ts

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 26, 2014

Of course, autumn is in the air and Halloween will soon be upon us before we know it. A lot of people relish in Halloween who tend to get all up in the festivities. I mean many of them dress in costumes as well as decorate their homes in the Halloween spirit. Yet, for those who plan to decorate for All Hallows Eve, you might want to be mindful of your neighbors if you want to be decked out around your house. I mean though you can go for scary, your decorations must be inoffensive and kid friendly because you never know what kind of trick or treaters you may get. If not, then you’ll probably find your Halloween decorations on the news stirring controversy which you don’t want. Nevertheless, for those who want to be creative, here is a nice little how-to on what and what not to do.

Do: A Halloween display of your favorite franchise.

Sure neighbors may think you had too much time on your hands while doing a Star Wars scarecrow display but at least some people would like it.

Don’t: Do a lawn display that could lead the neighbors to dial 911.

It’s said that the neighbors actually called 911 for this all too realistic decor of people getting run over. Don’t do this.

Do: Have decorations that were inspired by clever puns.

While this display may make neighbors question your parenting skills, I’m sure it’s nevertheless in the spirit and funny.

Don’t: Have Hallwoeen displays that include execution methods no matter how cool or scary the idea may seem.

Because you never know where your neighbors and guests may stand on the death penalty. Seriously, don’t do this.

Do: Displays with skeletons enjoying the pleasures of life.

Just a nice quiet afternoon open air picnic with Mr. and Mrs. Bones. I’m sure the neighbors won’t complain though they’d wonder where you got the skeletons from.

Don’t: Use hangings for your Halloween display unless they’re naked skeletons and not with rope by the neck.

Because an image like this can cause a lot of unpleasant feelings for people who may be anti-death penalty, know people who’ve tried killing themselves this way, actually have attempted suicide this way, or are African American. If they are the last part, then be warned that such displays may remind them of that old kind of racist hate crime used on them during the Jim Crow era. So don’t do this.

Do: Be eco-friendly and use any leftover supplies you may have.

Using old chicken wire to create ghostly dresses isn’t just creative, it’s also good for the environment as well. Besides, you can use these decorations again and again.

Don’t: Use your daughter’s baby dolls for your Halloween display or mutilated doll exhibit.

This just goes too far as scary goes. Besides, this might traumatize many trick or treaters, especially young girls. This is just plain sick if you know what I mean.

Do: Go with a ghost coven in your yard.

Now this isn’t just spooky but also rather eco-friendly, simple, and clever.

Don’t: Incorporate politics in your Halloween lawn display.

I know that Halloween isn’t too far from Election day. As a Catholic I’m perfectly fine with Halloween religious displays since well, there’s a lot of creepy religious stuff. But it’s only as good if the religion your mocking is your own, Christianity, cults, Neo-Paganism, Wicca, or Satanism. Yet, as a Democrat, for the love of God, don’t incorporate politics in your Halloween displays because you never know who you may offend in your neighborhood.

Do: Go with shadows.

May not be that scary up close but they’re sure clever, simple, and rather effective.

Don’t: Go for horrific circus displays that may traumatize children.

Now there is such a thing as being too scary. This horrific display may traumatize little kids and not want to make them see a circus in their lives.

Do: Mock non-political celebrities like Justin Bieber and Hugh Hefner.

After all, a guy known for founding a slutty magazine and an annoying Canadian teenie bopper are perfectly acceptable targets.

Don’t: Use any Halloween displays that go beyond the PG rating in anything other than gore.

While blood and gore are all right in your Halloween decorations to an extent, doing a pumpkin display with exposed boobs and butts will make many parents complain. I mean you want kid friendliness in this department so don’t do this.

Do: Go with cobwebs, graveyards, and Hollywood style Satanic and cult rituals.

After all, using elements in Halloween displays that have anything to do with death or the occult are perfectly acceptable.

Don’t: Have Halloween displays that depict murder and graphic violence or the neighbors may get upset with you.

I say this especially since the murders of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown as well as the controversial “shoot first” laws in many states. Also, such violent displays are too graphic for the kiddies.

Do: Decorate your lawn by reenacting your favorite movie in a Halloween style.

Now a skeleton version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? now that I approve most admirably. Looks like Blanche has rat for din din tonight.

Don’t: Make your Halloween lawn display offensive, especially in a racial context.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being gunned by a scary black person in a hoodie. I mean that's just racist.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being being chained by a black person in a hoodie? Seriously, this is just blatantly racist. Don’t ever do this for the love of God.

Do: Use your old dresses to create an illuminated Halloween display the neighbors would never forget.

Now using lights, wires, and dresses to create an illusion that ghosts are wearing your clothes is very creative and impressive. Kudos to the person who thought up this.

Don’t: Go for mutilated corpses that may make the neighbors complain.

A British man was told to remove this decoration, which probably serves just as well. I mean this is too graphic and gross to display in the front lawn anyway.

Here Comes the Wedding Cake!

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 4, 2014

Spring and summer are big seasons for weddings since these are times when the weather is supposed to be nice and sunny, well, most of the time. Of course, you don’t need to take my word for it that they are big occasions that require constant planning yet we’re pretty sure that most couples who are about to make the trip to the altar pretty much know what they’d want their wedding to be like. Then again, there are plenty of women who’ve already planned the trimmings to their wedding way before they met the man (or woman in some states) of their dreams. One of the big features of the wedding is the big wedding cake which is often the centerpiece of the wedding buffet as well as the only piece of food made for people to look at. I can go all day about the nice wedding cakes I’ve seen but this post would be boring so instead I’ll post cakes that would turn any bride to be into an instant bridezilla and for good reason since some of the cakes don’t always turn out according to plan and mistakes can’t always be repeated, too. Then again, you may have some brides saying, “Well, we can always renew our vows.”

1. Nothing says that the wedding is all about the bride than having a large cake in her likeness.

Seriously, this is the kind of cake you get when the bride has no taste or budget. Besides, I think having a wedding cake in your likeness is one of the creepiest and selfish things you could do.

2. Best wishes to Donna and Adam Overly and may their marriage not become like their initials on their wedding cake.

I hope the initials on this cake don’t describe the happy couple’s future together or how they’ll end up in the hospital after being stabbed by the local serial killer. Then again, maybe the initials don’t mean anything.

3. Looks like this couple has ordered a cake of their wedding based on their favorite hobby: rock climbing.

Is it just me, or does that cake look like a giant turd with plant foliage on it? Still, I hope they have a rock solid marriage until death do they part, which in this case is one of them losing control of the bungee cords and falling 100 feet to their demise.

5. Why not have a wedding that’s based on the bride’s favorite Disney movie?

Maybe a Cinderella cake is fine by me but I think this is kind of over the top. Also, I’m not much of a fan of the girl finding her way out of her godforsaken hellhole through losing her footwear.

5. Some people cry at weddings while this baker made a cake that resembled a tissue pile.

May this cake be a reminder of all the tissues Susie went through during her dating life until she met Todd.

6. This wedding cake’s theme from John J. Audubon’s Birds of America: The Winter Series.

Sure the birds may be beautiful in the snow but all the branches on this cake seem dead for some reason. It doesn’t seem that this cake was made for a happy occasion since it looks rather depressing if you ask me.

7. So may your life be filled with peeps, kisses, Jack Daniels, and tacky lawn ornaments.

Either that, or the Hershey’s kisses are a stand-in for the flamingo poo droppings. Still, this cake sort of illustrates that this couple has horrible taste.

8. Let this cake stand to remind you that marriage is just one monogamous sausage fest.

Seriously those tubular decorations can’t be icing. I mean they look like ham, bacon, or some other meat. It’s disgusting.

9. Let this wedding cake tell us that it’s important to practice safe sex in a monogamous relationship.

Yet, perhaps these condom decorations are for the guests who want to hook up with someone during the reception.

10. Why better wedding cake than one resembling a fountain?

This cake actually looks pretty nice except for the spikes on the top which makes it better suited for a horror movie.

11. Nothing says “true love” than a wedding cake of a tree with an initialed heart cut in.

Except that this tree looks like it was straight out of a badly drawn Dr. Seuss book. This, assuming that Dr. Seuss was in kindergarten at the time.

12. Why not have a wedding cake that looks like it was designed by the baker’s 5 year old daughter?

This cake looks more like a little girl’s art project. I swear it seems like the cake is made out of styrofoam and blue electrical tape. I suppose the flowers came from someone’s art set, too.

13. Why not have a wedding cake that’s made on top of a large stump?

Either that, or Cousin It. Then again, it kind of resembles a stool you might want to buy at the Pottery Barn with a cake topper on it. Let’s just say if weren’t for the topper, I wouldn’t know it was a wedding cake.

14. Why not have a cake that says “I have a hunk a heart of burning love,” or something like that?

Then again the fires on this cake have substantially cooled as far as we know. Still, doesn’t quite cut it in the Elvis song.

15. Nothing says a fall wedding like wheat decorations that give it a rustic tone.

Of course, the wheat on this cake is so tall that I can’t see the rest of it. Also, kind of resembles a do-it-yourself fertility goddess headdress or something.

16. May this wedding cake show how love rises to new heights within the bonds of matrimony.

Of course, the baker got so carried away with the cake design that the wedding has gone way over budget.

17. For the wedding reception, what cake to have than one with a disco ball on top of it?

Of course, this cake design brings us why people no longer look to the 1970s for decorating ideas. Also, a disco ball as a cake topper? That’s tacky beyond all understanding.

18. Of course, what winter wedding would be complete without an Alpine skiing cake from the Rocky Mountains.

What the hell are those green things? Are they supposed to be rocks or something? Can somebody answer me?

19. Nothing says a festive wedding than a salmon color wedding cake.

Reminds me of a place called Cafe Salmonella from A Series of Unfortunate Events where all the food was this color. Of course, this color is fine on salmon but disgusting on anything else edible.

20. What wedding wouldn’t be complete without two doves as a cake topper?

Of course, the cake itself looks like a little girl’s art project complete with spray paint and glitter.

21. Of course, there’s no redneck wedding like a camo wedding cake decorated with beer cans and taxidermy squirrels.

The taxidermy done on these cake toppers was by Norman Bates. Also, using taxidermy as cake toppers is kind of unsanitary if you ask me but perhaps this cake was done on a budget.

22. Here comes the….hey, what happened to the bride’s head?

Seriously, this is freaky if you ask me. Why have a cake of the bride’s bust? Also, the fact it doesn’t seem to have a head is even more disturbing.

23. Not to fear, Wal-Mart has the perfect wedding cake for you this Valentine’s Day season, now at a great low price.

This would’ve been the perfect cake for the Game of Thrones “Red Wedding” episode. Of course, you can see why the show’s fans wouldn’t even consider buying such cake that seems to be oozing in blood.

24. What better wedding cake than one that resembles a place you wouldn’t drive on.

Of course, this was designed by a boy who thought that wedding cakes have gotten a bit too girly for some reason. Also, this is why grooms shouldn’t plan weddings (just kidding).

25. May this wedding cake remind you of the golden moments you shared on this fateful day.

Of course, this baker has used way too much spray paint on this and it shows big time.

26. Nothing says wedding cake than having one that seems to be made out of paper mache and tissue paper.

That cake looks fairly convincing, for some kid’s 3rd grade art project, I guess.

27. These three wedding bakers seem so proud of their new creation.

That looks like a it was based from a pile of expensive looking pillows found in some 5 star hotel.

28. Nothing says “Southern Wedding” than beer cans, chocolate mud, strawberries, and Confederate flags.

Now this is why rednecks seem to be offensively stereotyped, folks. Also, not only is the Confederate flag a racist symbol, it’s also a terrible wedding decoration. And I’m not saying that to anger, Lynard Skynard fans here. I’m just saying.

29. Of course, no fall wedding could be complete without an autumn styled cake with deer toppers, especially when it’s after Thanksgiving.

I don’t know about you but I think deer heads should be on someone’s wall, not on a wedding cake. It’s kind of tacky if you ask me but at least the rest of it is tasteful.

30. Ain’t no wedding like a Mardi Gras wedding.

Then again, these Mardi Gras bead decorations don’t seem to bring in the festive spirit. Rather it seems like a more appropriate cake for Lent despite it being a season where many give up sweets and their New Year’s resolutions.

31. Aw, what can possibly go wrong with a wedding cake decorated with dolphins?

Oh, my God, this is a horrible cake. I mean the dolphins look like they’re all dead. Seriously, what does this baker have against dolphins?

32. Nothing makes a fairytale wedding than a cake of Cinderella’s castle.

On second thought, this cake has made one of the most iconic castles in Disney movies look like one of most terrifying places on earth. Seriously, it makes me wonder why Cinderella would want to marry the Prince and move in to such a place.

33. Aw, nothing says “true love” on a winter wedding like a wedding cake depicting a scene from Dr. Zhivago.

Sure, Dr. Zhivago is one of the great romances and “Lara’s Theme” is a great piece of music but it’s about the Russian Revolution as well as a guy who carries on an extramarital affair with some Bolshevik official’s neglected wife who he once saw after she was raped by a Russian aristocrat during the 1905 uprising. Let’s just say if you know the rest of the Dr. Zhivago story, you can see why seeing Yuri and Lara enjoying a sleigh ride doesn’t seem like an appropriate wedding idea. Also, the winter limbs on this cake are horrifying.

34. Sometimes when two don’t agree on the same wedding cake design, there needs to be a compromise.

As awful looking as this cake is, at least both bride and groom tried to accommodate their tastes. Still, camouflage shouldn’t be used on wedding cakes. I’m sorry.

35. May this cake remind you of the fireworks between the two of you.

Of course, I hope your relationship has more spectacular sparks than this cake would imply. Otherwise, your marriage doesn’t have a prayer.

36. Nothing says a summer wedding than a couple standing on top of a pile of dead sharks.

This is a terrible idea for a wedding cake. Even more disturbing is that all the sharks on this cake are oozing with blood. Sure sharks may attack people but there’s no reason why we should try to annihilate them since they have an important place in the ecosystem.

37. What a wonderful wedding cake with butterflies and sperm?

Look, if having sperm on a baby shower cake is bad, it’s certainly a terrible idea for a wedding one. Then again, these could be tadpoles, but still.

38. Of course, at a wedding, make sure there is plenty of cake to go around.

Lord knows how many guests attended this occasion as well as how much was spent on doing this cake alone. Still, it’s pretty tacky if you ask me.

39. What better wedding cake can you have that contains rainbows, flowers, and butterflies.

Is it just me, or does this cake seem to have been made by Lisa Frank on an acid trip or something?

40. Of course, this cake shows that this couple is very serious when it comes, “till death do we part.”

Yet, why did they have to make the point about it with eyeballs, blood, and lopped off body parts, I don’t have the slightest idea.

41. Oh, what a beautiful message to put on a wedding cake.

However, the cake topper with the bride wearing the pants bit is kind of a bit sexist if you ask me. Also, the writing seems to be melting.

42. What kind of wedding cake wouldn’t be without butterflies?

Along with outlandish foliage that seems to come straight out of a Dr. Seuss story. Seriously, if your garden is like this cake, it needs weeding.

43. You can never have too many flowers on a wedding cake.

Uh, yes, you certainly can as this cake points out since you could barely see it itself. Also, I’m pretty sure those flowers are fake.

44. Here is a wedding cake that was inspired by Aunt Bertha’s hat.

Seems like more money was spent on the cake decorations than the actual cake. Still, this looks so freaky.

45. This wedding cake brings the festive spirit into any reception.

Then again, this cake kind of makes a lame show at it. Still, very colorful though but the “wow” factor is missing.

46. Of course, what better wedding cake for Star Wars fans than one of Jabba the Hut?

Actually, I can think of a lot of better Star Wars wedding cake ideas than this one. Also, have you notice that Jabba the Hut resembles an abnormally shaped turd from the back?

47. May God bless Sonia and BrianOliver on their wedding day.

Of course, this cake is bound to get a lot of giggles since the initials spell SOB. Couples, before you use monograms on your wedding cake, make sure they don’t spell something that has a negative connotation or makes people laugh.

48. Nothing like a weapon cake that shows you’re flirting with disaster.

I don’t know about you but this wedding cake contains all sorts of things that no wedding cake should have. I mean its supposed to be a happy occasion, not set to the scene of some action movie with plane crashes, gunfights, and blood everywhere.

49. Ain’t no wedding cake like one made out of snack food.

This is probably a way of saying “we spent all our money before we could think of a wedding cake so help yourself to some Hostess snack foods as our honored guests.”

50. And of course, what wedding wouldn’t be complete without a cake of a tree.

Particularly a sickly, sweating, morning after a bender during the reception and woke up next to a stranger tree. Yeah, not very convincing is it?

Congratulations, it’s a Baby Shower Cake!

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 2, 2014

Ah, baby showers, a gathering to celebrate a child’s birth by presenting gifts to the kid’s mother (who’s usually pregnant at the time). Sure these are usually occasions for women with cutesy gifts and decorations included as well. Oh, and there’s usually a cake there, too. Of course, I could go on and on about how all the cute cakes you see at baby showers but you’d probably barf to such saccharine suggestions. Instead I’m going to show you some of the most disturbing and inappropriate cakes that that have been used to commemorate such occasions which may not be safe for work. Let’s just say that there are all so many examples of bakers perhaps taking their creativity too far or maybe these events aren’t as cutesy as many would think it would be. So without further adieu, here are some outlandish cakes that have been used to greet all those little bundles of joy.

1. What better way to greet the little shit machine than with a cake to remind the mother to be of what’s in store for the next three to four years?

Sure this is one of the less anticipated moments of parenting but do you have to have a cake of what a baby’s diaper looks like from the inside? Seriously, this is disgusting.

2. Congratulations on the impending birth of your new, demon child?

Seriously, I think Damien would be the better choice for the creepy baby on the TV set than Ethan. Also, if he’s the fifth kid in the family, then you shouldn’t be having a baby shower. Still, maybe it’s for the dad who’s an alien or something since the baby tends to very much look like it’s from another world or Hell.

3. Now here’s a cake that depicts why we’re celebrating this occasion from the microscopic point of view.

Well, let’s say if any children are around, this cake would provide them a good opportunity of how babies are made. Seriously, what’s with the egg and sperm thing? And why do all the sperm have smiley faces on them as if they’re happy for their buddy to fertilize the egg?

4. Now here’s a cake that provides a simulated view of what the baby looks like up close and personal.

I’m perfectly fine with showing ultrasound images but not on such a tacky cake display such as this. Besides, I think this is kind of too up close and personal.

5. Now here’s a cake that depicts an image from an anatomy textbook.

I guess the baker figured that a cross section image from sex-ed was the perfect inspiration for this design. Let’s just say when I go to a baby shower, the last thing I want to remember is health class.

6. Now here’s a perfect cake for those throwing a baby shower during hunting season.

The fact that the torso's decked in camouflage with a baby footprint protruding from it makes it all the more disturbing. Doesn't help that the camouflage from the mother's stomach bears a remarkable resemblance to blood vessels.

The fact that the torso’s decked in camouflage with a baby footprint protruding from it and a popped up belly button makes it all the more disturbing. Doesn’t help that the camouflage from the mother’s stomach bears a remarkable resemblance to blood vessels.

7. Nothing says about the ups and downs of parenthood than a cake with a dirty diaper.

On second thought, chocolate syrup seems to bear a remarkable resemblance to poo now that I think of it.

8. There’s nothing like a baby shower cake that states the reason for such celebration in the most crassest way possible.

Someone in this baby shower seems to be a huge fan of that stupid Seth Rogen movie for some reason. Still, I’m sure that the guest of honor at this thing knew about it for months.

9. Now here’s a cake that seems to take some inspiration from a sex ed animation.

Is is just me or does the baker have some side job in medical illustration. Still, now that’s how babies are made, kids, at least in the technical aspects as well as what a woman’s reproductive system looks like upon fertilization. Also, what kind of name is Gentri, seriously?

10. Nothing says baby shower like a cake reminding the guest of honor of the tribulations of labor with the encouragement from an iconic childhood character.

Sure induce further trauma of giving birth by including the Cat in the Hat. Makes one not think the same way about Dr. Suess ever again. Why not have Thing 1 and Thing 2 assist with the delivery. Also, why did the baker have to be so graphic about this?

11. What better baby shower cake to have than a cake depicting Spencer the Spermazoa, mascot from WTFU.

I think this is a baby shower cake for guys but I’m not sure. Also, I heard WTFU’s Spiking Spermazoa have a lousy record in college football and basketball.

12. And if you like cupcakes what better way to commemorate a baby shower than ones with chocolate sperm.

Actually they kind of more or less resemble creepy chocolate tadpoles. Perhaps these are better at a gathering for amphibian enthusiasts instead of baby showers.

13. What better way to say congratulations to the new parents than with a cookie cake just stating the obvious but in a way you wouldn’t say to kids.

Let’s just say there’s a reason why we don’t include the word “genitals” in cakes. Still, this is like “congratulations for the new baby” in the most inappropriate way possible.

14. What way to celebrate the coming of a new baby than depict a delivery scene that would be akin to a horror movie.

Seriously, this cake would be much more appropriate for Halloween than a baby shower. The use of a baby doll covered in strawberry syrup kind of makes this cake even more nightmarish. Perhaps it’s enough to make any pregnant woman opt for a c-section.

15. Nothing says adorable than seeing a sweet baby in its blankie.

Except this baby wants to devour your soul through your lactating teets than be fed from the baby bottle. Seriously, this is is pretty creepy if you think about it.

16. What could be better baby shower cake than to have one depicting who the mother works for (or just got fired from).

I suppose this baby shower cake was for the woman at Hooters known for getting way too friendly with the customers.

17. Aw, what would be a more heartwarming cake than one with the parents rubbing the mother’s tummy and going through the journey of parenthood together.

On second thought, does the woman have four hands or do they belong to two different people? Also, this is kind of creepy if you ask me.

18. Now here’s a cake on how the whole thing happened.

Look, even with the plant references, this cake still reminds me of health class in high school. Seriously, we get it now and no, this narrative doesn’t make this cake any more adorable.

19. Finally, a cake to show where the action is.

Look, we’ve all been to sex-ed and we know what happens in the uterus once the egg is fertilized. Also, the cookie fetus is pretty creepy.

20. What better way to commemorate the arrival of a new bundle of joy than to have a cake that depicts the inevitability all mothers to be may have to face.

What the hell is that flesh thing coming from that torso’s stomach? It sure doesn’t look like a baby to me. Also, these pregnant torso cakes are pretty tacky if you ask me.

21. Nothing says baby shower like having a cake with a creepy baby doll who wants to kill you.

Aw, look at her blank soulless eyes. Who’s mommy’s future little serial killer? You are, you are. Seriously, this baby is showing signs of being a sociopath.

22. Nothing welcomes a new baby home than having a cake contain his ultrasound images.

Maybe ultrasound images of fetuses should be in cards and such, not on cakes. Oh, God, no please.

23. Aw, what a lovely cake to greet God’s little angel.

Wait a minute, is this for a baby shower or a baby funeral? Seriously, that cross kind of makes it disturbing. Of course, in Rick Bobby’s opinion, this is a cake of Baby Jesus.

24. Nothing says “welcome baby” than a cake depicting a scene in the delivery room.

I don’t know about you bud doesn’t the doctor instruments on the baby table seem a little terrifying to you? I don’t know about you but it seems that bakers can’t traumatize us enough.

25. This baby shower was sponsored by Pampers.

Seriously, if this isn’t some kind of product placement cake, then I don’t know what is. Still, a diaper cake, why?

26. Nothing says “welcome baby” than a little baby about the crawl into your nightmares.

God, that baby is ugly and creepy as hell. Probably better suited as a Halloween cake since it doesn’t even look like a baby to me.

27. There ain’t no baby like a gangsta baby.

What’s with the cigars, seriously? Still, no matter what your taste in music is, you got to agree with me that this is in very bad taste, according to some people.

28. Nothing says “welcome baby” than a pregnant torso cake with limbs bursting out of it.

This is horrifying and it kind of reminds me of some kind of horror movie in which the monster bursts out of someone’s stomach or something like that.

29. There’s nothing so adorable than a cake of a baby’s bottom and a lobster.

Looks more like a red scorpion to me and we know those are poisonous. Also, I think the idea of baby bottom cakes is a very tacky idea if you ask me.

30. Nothing says, “welcome baby” than a cake of an infant fresh from the delivery room.

This is simply terrifying. Whoever thought this was a creative idea for a baby shower cake, ought to have his head examined. Seriously, this isn’t cute at all, especially the fact that the baby is blue, making the cake even more disturbing in the process.

31. Congratulations, it’s uh, baby. Can you tell me what the hell that is?

This cake reminds me of that Saint Vincent DePaul statue with the children at my alma mater Saint Vincent College. Let’s just say that sculptor didn’t know how to draw kids which gave it an aura of creepiness like this cake does. The child in this cake is butt ugly and doesn’t seem to resemble a baby at all. Also, it looks too young to be Benjamin Button.

32. Aw, take a look at this adorable cake of a little baby in the tub.

Never in the history of the world has anyone depicted such an activity of innocence in such a nightmarish way possible. I mean a baby in the tub should be seen as adorable but this cake is simply terrifying.

33. Nothing says “welcome twins” like a cake in which the babies resemble kidneys.

Seriously, are they supposed to be in a uterus or something else. Because that does not look like a uterus at all. Looks more like a fruit of some sort if you ask me.

34. Nothing says “welcome baby” than seeing one in a cake.

Seriously, this baby doll in cake thing is creeping me out. Also, how did they bake that or at least get that baby in the cake?

35. Finally a cake with an exhausted expectant mother in labor on her hospital bed.

Hey, at least they didn’t depict a cake with a c-section. Still, why have a cake depicting this? Why? I mean she has bloodshot eyes, for God’s sake.

36. Congratulations it’s a Ooompa Loompa?

Then again, maybe being a slave laborer at Willie Wonka’s factory isn’t so bad after all as this cake shows. Yet, their offspring are fairly ugly if you know what I mean.

37. Aw, such an adorable cake with twins in a basket to show a mother to be’s double bundle of joy.

These babies are the spawn of Satan and are hungry for your soul. Take them away! Take them away!

38. Finally, a baby shower cake for little green aliens to enjoy.

After all, little green men are people, too, even if their kids freak you out at one time. Yet, strangely the parents intend to name their new son with the Earth name of Tristan. Perhaps this might be the case since Orgarth and Mosal figured that a name from their planet would get their son beat up in school.

39. Congratulations and may your little girl make a lovely little addition to the Dark side of the Force.

Either this, or that the expectant mother’s friends are trying to tell her that she needs a divorce and that her husband would make a terrible dad. That, or just that she may really be into Star Wars for some reason. Seriously, Darth Vader on a baby shower cake? You know this is a guy who cut off his son’s hand and blew up his daughter’s planet.

40. Playboy Bunny bra over enormous boobs? Check. Foot protruding out of stomach? Check. Ultrasound image of baby? Check.

Does anyone think that a Playboy Bunny bra on big boobs on these pregnant torso cakes seem like a covert way of saying what a skank the expectant mother is? I mean seriously, everyone knows that Playboy is a porno magazine created by some old guy who has a harem of scantily clad young women at his own mansion.

41. Finally a baby shower cake for the mother to be who would give birth in a tub.

Seriously, why make a cake of this? How the expectant mother wants in a delivery should be her own personal business, not something to announce to the world.

42. Congratulations it’s a baby human-monkey hybrid.

Look, I’m fine with whatever you do in your personal life but I’m not a fan of bestiality even if it’s between women or chimps. Either that, or whoever designed this cake is really terrible at monkeys for some reason for it looks strangely humanoid. This would’ve been a better baby shower cake if this was Planet of the Apes.

43. Congratulations on your new chest bursting alien that will probably strike you dead.

This would’ve been a perfectly appropriate baby shower cake for Sigourney Weaver, assuming that she didn’t have any kids before the Alien franchise movies. Hey, at least the alien doesn’t burst out of a woman’s chest in the actual movie, it bursts out of a guy’s.

44. Congratulations, uh, who’s Jason here?

Either this is a baby shower cake for an expectant dad named Jason. Or Jason is the unborn baby who has been determined to be a boy. Either way, it’s kind of freaky to have a sperm in scuba gear if you know what I mean.

45. Finally, a bad baby shower cake for the undead expectant mother.

Seriously that baby looks like a monstrosity like a zombie hungry for brains. Also, I didn’t know zombies could even reproduce on their own either.

46. Finally, a baby shower cake that gives the term, “baby carrots” a whole new meaning.

I don’t know about you, but I kind of find the idea of a clone army naked babies with mohawks riding carrots kind of terrifying if you ask me.

47. Nothing says, “welcome baby” than a cake depicting a big boobed mother nursing her bundle of joy.

Either the designer was a guy who frequented strip clubs on a regular basis or this cake was originally made for a bachelor party of some sort but cancelled at the last minute. If it’s the latter, then the baby was probably a last second addition.

48. Finally, a cake that tells an expectant mother exactly what her friends and relatives are thinking about her unplanned pregnancy.

Of course, this cake features a pregnant Marge Simpson whose story seems fairly similar to the slogan. Then again, I guess you could do worse than Homer even if he is kind of a jerk at times. Nevertheless, it’s a pretty bad way to rub it in.

49. Nothing could be a better baby shower cake than one with a fetus you can see through the the stomach.

Honestly, who’s idea was this nightmarish disaster? I mean the cake has a baby in a gelatin stomach on it. This is creepy beyond all reason.

50. Finally, a baby shower cake befitting for a mother-to-be in the adult entertainment industry.

Looks like the naked lady from the pick up truck mudflaps got herself in the family way. I hope that doesn’t hurt her career as a figure on stuff for perverts.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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