The Wonderful World of Peep Shows (No, Not That Kind) (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 7, 2015

Last year in March, I did a post on peep dioramas since it’s the Easter season and that I think those inedible marshmallow and sugar confections were better enjoyed that way. Since last year, I’ve had 567 views on that post as well as 19 Facebook shares. Now these are rather moderate numbers compared to some of my other posts, holidays or otherwise. But since I enjoyed doing this post so much and think peep dioramas are awesome, I decided to do another edition. I mean as long as they keep making sugary marshmallow products unfit for human consumption we might as well have some fun with them, especially since not all of us are repressed art students who like making dioramas in their spare time. Besides, I need to a break between all this Easter kitsch stuff. So without further adieu, here are some more marshmallow peep dioramas for your Easter sensibilities.

1. Join NBC’s Chris Hansen on this weeks exclusive episode of Dateline: To Catch a Peep-A-Tor.

Looks like the brown hairy rabbit caught on tape was caught on tape corrupting a minor. Yep, and I see a bottle of Jack Daniels and some beer cans, too.

2. Those growing up in the 1980s may remember Peep-Wee’s Playhouse with Peep Weep Herman himself.

Of course, what happened to Pee Wee Herman’s career servers a valuable lesson to children: never masturbate in a movie theater, even if it’s and adult cinema showing a porno.

3. For those who missed it, here’s a peep diorama of Kim Kardashian’s wedding to Kanye West from a very special episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

Actually, I really don’t give a shit about the Kardashians and really don’t think they bear any lasting significance in American culture. Yet, this peep diorama is very well done.

4. Come on down to The Price Is Right with your host, Bob Bunny.

Looks like the prizes here are a trip to Rio de Janiero and a brand new car. Also, Bob Bunny here reminding you to control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

5. Moses presents himself to Pharaoh to, “Let my peeple go!”

Hate to be the Hebpeep slaves under the hot Ancient Egyptian sun all day, probably with nothing on.

6. “I’m a single bunny/I’m a single bunny.”

Never has Beyonce's most iconic music video has been so adorable. No wonder Kanye West thinks she awesome, which says something since he's an egotistical prig.

Never has Beyonce’s most iconic music video has been so adorable. No wonder Kanye West thinks she’s awesome, which says something since he’s an egotistical prig.

7. Nothing brought peeps together during the 1970s like the roller derby scene.

But like disco, it fell out of favor after being a major fad. Yet, having roller derby fall into obscurity is a good thing since it’s a rather violent sport.

8. Relive the chest bursting magic of Alien with this peep diorama.

Now I just can't wait for Ellen Ripeep to destroy it at the end. But, yes, when you see the something bursting out of a guy's chest, it's a take off from this movie.

Now I just can’t wait for Ellen Ripeep to destroy it at the end. But, yes, when you see something bursting out of a guy’s chest, it’s a take off from this movie.

9. Looks like this is a job for Marvel’s the Avengpeeps.

Join your favorite Marvel Avengepeeps in this explosive, action packed adventure. There’s The Incredipeep Hulk, Iron Peep, the Mightpeep Thor, Hawkpeep, Black Widpeep, and Captain Americpeep.

10. Vincent Van Peep paints another self-portrait.

Of course, this is after he cut off his ear as we can tell by the bandage on his face.

11. Seems like the native peeps are restless on their island.

And it seems like they’re offering some helpless white damsel peep as a sacrifice to their giant bunny peep god. Yeah, where is our great white hero now?

12. Of course, no peep competition can be complete without Grant Wood’s American Gothpeep.

Nevertheless, they do a lot renditions of this iconic American painting all the time that it’s a national treasure.

13. If you like Japanese food, feast your eyes on some marshmallow peep sushi.

Of course, only the soy sauce in this diorama is fit for human consumption. Everything else, not so much.

14. Watch these two Swedish peeps try to assemble some IKEA furniture.

Well, assembling the chair was a piece of cake. The end table, not so much.

15. I show you this diorama to remind you of the dire need to stop the illegal wildpeep trade.

God, I’d hate to see what all those chicks and bunnies went through. So sad.

16. Step into Alice’s adventures in Wonderland with this peep diorama you’d remember.

Well, at least this one is considerably less traumatizing and drug inducing than the Disney version, which was rather trippy to say the least.

17. “Tonight, one of you peeps will betray me.”

Of course, you can easily identify Judas in this. Just look at the eyes on each of the apostles.

17. May I present to you, the hit movie Life of Peep.

I like how on this Life of Pi diorama, the raft is an actual pie.

19. New Jersey Governor Chris Chrispeep closes the George Washingpeep Bridge during rush hour.

Of course, this won’t help Chris Chrispeep at all during the GOP presidential primary, which is America’s equivalent of the Upper Class Twit of the Year Competition. Trust me, it’s easy to see why I vote Democrat, besides being rather liberal on most social issues to begin with.

20. This peep diorama brings you into the Campbell’s Soup Factory.

Today’s product is Split Peep Soup which contains an inedible mix of marshmallow and sugar as well as Campbell’s signature ingredient: salt.

21. “You came in like a wrecking peep.”

Now I just couldn’t pass this one up since it’s an iconic scene Miley Cyrus will always be remembered for.

22. Experience American history with this peep diorama depicting the Lincoln assassination at Ford’s Theater on April 14, 1865.

Of course, this was when John Wilkes Booth jumped off the presidential balcony and onto the stage, which resulted in a broken leg.

23. Discover the magic of Wes Anderson with his 2012 movie Moonrise Peepdom.

Now after seeing this, I can't wait for a peep diorama depicting The Grand Budapest Hotel.

Now after seeing this, I can’t wait for a peep diorama depicting The Grand Bunnypest Hotel. Wes Anderson is such an underrated genius.

24. Experience the final moments of Harry Peeper and the Deathly Mallows as Harry goes up against Voldepeep during the climatic Battle of Hogwarts.

Now I had a Harry Potter peep diorama in the post from last year. But this was so well made that I couldn’t pass it up. And they even have Fred dead and Neville killing Nagini.

25. From Gettysburg 1863 to Washington 1963, Americans stand to say that all peeps are created equal in a land of the peeple, by the peeple, and for the peeple shall not perish on the earth.

Sure they may be a hundred years apart, but I think it’s a great tribute to American history. Well, better than what they have in Texas history textbooks anyway.

26. Indiana Peep is back with another thrilling adventure.

And it seems like he’s being chased by natives for possibly destroying an ancient temple filled with working machinery just to get a golden trinket that belongs in a museum.

27. Step into the world of Dr. Seuss with The Peepax.

Or that Dr. Seuss children’s book that shows kids how insatiable corporate greed can cause almost irreparable environmental harm if there are no measures for sustainability. Though the Oncler wins, his prosperity doesn’t last which leaves him in a polluted wasteland alone.

28. “We are gathered here today to bid farewell to the Hostess Twinkie.”

Then again, twinkies are still being made, but by a private company. Yet, this was done when Hostess went bankrupt. Still, pretty funny.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you March of the Peepguins.

Of course, we all know that penguins don’t live in igloos or use fishing rods. Those props were just for giggles.

30. Join these bunnies for a night at the opera with Richard Wagner’s Ring Cycle.

Of course, we all know that this opera was responsible for the fat lady with a horned helmet singing. Not to mention, it perpetuated the now inaccurate notion of Vikings wearing helmets during their raids.

31. Discover the joys of Impressionism with a peep diorama of Georges Seurat’s A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte.

Sure you might not know the name of the painting, but you’ve probably seen it somewhere. Now this is a perfect rendition.

32. “I still have a dream, a dream deeply rooted in the American dream – one day this nation will rise up and live up to its creed, “We hold these truths to be self evident: that all peeps are created equal.” I have a dream…”

Never has history come to such life in a peep diorama as this one on the March on Washington.

Never has history come to such life in a peep diorama as this one on the 1963 March on Washington.

33. Could it be? Why, yes, it’s Mary Peepins.

Now this inedible sugar coated marshmallow bunny may say that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. But it also can lead to Type 2 diabetes.

34. Get an exclusive sneak peek of Season 3 of Peepton Abbey.

Of course, for those who haven’t seen the 3rd season, I think I might’ve spoiled the ending, especially on what happened to Matthew.

35. “Representing District 12 for the 74th annual Hunger Games are Peepa Mellark and Katniss Everbun. May the odds be in your favor.”

Sure I did The Hunger Games in last year’s peep post. But I think this one is quite good and captures the spirit of the books and movies. Love the Effie Trinket chick.

36. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

And it seems that all the chicks in the audience are just gaga over them on the Ed Sullivbun Show in 1964.

37. Relive the romance of Rose and Jack in James Cameron’s 1997 epic Peeptanic.

“I’m king of the world.” Yet, Jack never foresaw the iceberg that would doom the ship and his life.

38. Peep Francis greets onlookers at Saint Peeper’s Square in his peepmobile.

Now while I think the peepmobile is quite ingenious, I especially adore the Swiss guard uniforms here.

39. Of course, no US cross country trip would be complete without a visit to South Dakota’s Mount Peepmore National Memorial.

Yes, we can’t forget seeing the rock images of George Washingpeep, Thomas Jeffersbun, Peddy Roosevelt, and Peepraham Lincoln.

40. Now I couldn’t have a peep post without one featuring the minions from Despicable Meep.

This diorama probably features the sequel since there are purple ones on the premises. Still, they’re probably easy to make.

41. Take a stroll down memory lane with the famed Ninendo game Super Mario Bunnies.

Basically this is the game that says that taught us that mushrooms make us grow and that shiny flowers allow us to shoot fireballs.

42. “Fraa-jeel-aay! Huh! Must be Italian!”

Sure I know this is from A Christmas Story. But I couldn’t resist the scene when Ralphie’s dad uncovers the legendary leg lamp.

43. “All we are saying is give peeps a chance.”

Yes, but when it comes to sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, I’ll just go with the rock n’ roll but with a little sex in it.

44. “Come on down to South Peeps and meet some friends of mine.”

Still, I have to give this person credit that at least he didn’t kill Kenny in this diorama.

45. Relive the magic of the original Star Wars Trilogy with The Peep Strikes Back.

Kind of like how they have Han Solo depicted as a bunny peep frozen in a chocolate bar.

46. Uncover the ancient Roman gladiator games with this peep diorama of the Roman Colosseum.

Will Bunnius Peepsimus slay the lions or become lion lunch like the guy before him? Oh, I can barely contain the excitement.

47. For President Barack Obama’s 2012 inauguration, Peepyonce sings the National anthem.

Hey, at least this one didn’t feature Aretha Franklin and her hideous hat. But then again, compared to Aretha Franklin, Beyonce can’t hold a candle to her.

48. Enjoy the outdoors and buy your overpriced clothing and gear at L. L. Peep.

Now this is a great diorama of what you’d see in an L. L. Bean catalog. Of course, though you can personalize stuff from it, the clothes are very expensive or as I call it, “not worth it.”

49. Relive your favorite moments with loveable meth titans Walter White and Jesse Peepman in AMC’s Breaking Buns.

Of course, you might want to clear out of Albuquerque when you see either of these guys and their RV. Also, maybe it’s best not to be a drug lord, even if you can make high quality meth.

50. Rediscover the childhood PTSD induced world of Roald Dahl with this peep diorama of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Of course, they couldn’t show Veruca Salt since she was in the garbage disposal. Nor can they show Mike TeeVee because he suffered from significant shrinkage. Still, Willy Wonka runs a very dangerous and nightmarish place.

Hippity, Hoppity, Sketchy Easter Bunnies on Their Way

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 5, 2015

Okay, Easter isn’t quite like Christmas or anywhere close. I mean Easter revolves around bunnies and eggs as well as celebrates Jesus’ resurrection. Sure there are gifts in baskets as well as candy but it’s nothing compared to Christmas. But this doesn’t stop some people from trying to make it like a spring version of the winter yuletide holiday. And instead of a white bearded guy in a red suit, you have the Easter Bunny who’s depicted as someone wearing a bunny costume like you’d see at a furry convention. In fact, a costumed Easter Bunny is probably a furry underneath those over-sized rabbit ears and cotton tail. However, though rabbits are adorable animals, there’s nothing cute about an adult wearing an animal costume, no matter how adorable the animal is in question. But this doesn’t stop parents from having their kids pose with these costumed monstrosities, sometimes compelling children to wish they could sit on the creepy mall Santa’s lap. In this post, you will see some of the most terrifying Easter Bunnies imaginable which have incite terrors into children more than the one from Donnie Darko or the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog (well, I’m not sure about that but it managed to scare off a bunch of knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail). So for your reading pleasure, here is an assortment of Easter Bunnies who might be more terrifying than a crucified man since such costumed bunnies are walking, talking nightmares of soul scarring horror. Some material may not be safe for work.

1. “Could you take this child, please? I’m late for a bank robbery.”

This little girl doesn’t look too happy here. Of course, if I were her, I’d probably feel the same way.

2. These eyes are empty and only reveal that this rabbit has no soul.

I know this is supposed to be a bunny. But it also seems like it’s from a different world or in another dimension. Yet, it seems to have murder on the mind. That little girl better watch it.

3. “Mommy, get me off him! He wants to eat me!”

Painfully this little girl cries like there’s no tomorrow as this Easter Bunny is already looking for his next victim. Those blue eyes only desire the sweet blood of children.

4. What are you waiting for, girl? You have roller blades and joint pads so go before the giant long furry Peter Cottontail tries to get you! Your life depends on it.

I don’t like the look on that bunny’s face. You can already tell he’s at that roller skating rink eying at the small, slow ones.

5. Sometimes people have their pets pose with the Easter Bunny instead of their children.

Those are actually just whiskers. His mouth is the part that’s salivating over the dog he’s about to swallow whole. I don’t want to think about it. Seems like PETA will never hear the end of it.

6. “If you want me to deliver your Easter basket, I’ll need that alarm code.”

Little girl, run away and never return. Seriously, that bunny’s nothing but bad news from the look in his eyes that bear no trace of kindness to any living creature.

7. “We’re going to have a lot of fun together.” (followed by evil maniacal laugh).

Seems like the rabbit is thinking, “I didn’t know they came in chocolate varieties. Looks delicious.” Sorry, NAACP, I was just trying to say it from the rabbit’s point of view.

8. “What do you know? A double pack.”

Man, this bunny sure seems happy but not in a good way. Don’t want to be those girls on his lap.

9. “Have you ever seen the inside of a windowless van?”

This girl sitting on his lap doesn’t seem to be crying. Either she’s very brave or really has no idea of what that bunny has in store for her.

10. “Mommy, no! Please, come back, Mommy! I’ll be good, I promise! Anything but the Easter Bunny, please!”

Behold, the expressionless face of an unrepentent monster. Seriously,spare him his life from this monstrosity!

11. Behold, the ferocious bunny slasher! It’s prey: children, sweet innocent children.

Even by Easter Bunny standards, those eyes are demonic. No wonder he spends most of this time hidden among the bushes, waiting for some unsuspecting kid to drop by. Also, is that blood?

12. This lovely lady bunny from Crayola seems to be pulling off the crying Tammy Faye Bakker look with her eyelashes. Her lashes are so lush they turn the whole eye black.

And, yes, it seems like this lady bunny appears to have the makings of either a makeup contract or a slasher horror movie in which she plays the one killing everyone.

13. “Prisoner 49581, please submit yourself to The Bunny. Prisoner 49581 to The Bunny.”

Hey, it could be worse, kid, at least you’re way too young to be eligible for the Hunger Games. Even so, I have a bad feeling about this situation.

14. As if Easter Bunnies look scary enough with kids, they even look creepier alone.

“Welcome to my humble abode, would you like some of my carrot and children stew? Got the recipe from a cookbook by one Dr. Hannibal Lecter.”

15. “After I give them their eggs, I am taking them back to my planet with me.”

After this photo was taken Eric and Dylan Pasternak were never seen again. We’re not sure of what happened to them or whether they’re still alive.

16. Some parents may make their kids have a picture with the Easter Bunny. Then there are some defying them because they can smell terror.

Run, girl, run for your life. Save yourself while you still can. We all know him giving out eggs with candy in them is just an act.

Run, girl, run for your life. Save yourself while you still can. We all know him giving out eggs with candy in them is just a way to lure children. Of course, he might just be giving her a head start. Some Easter Bunnies just love the sport of the hunt.

17. Of course, we all don’t know what happened to the Kray boys but according to this picture, it seems that he started to nibble on them when someone took this photo.

Lord knows whether these boys’ parents are haunted by their screams of, “Don’t eat me! Don’t eat me!” The horror, the horror.

18. “The child is one of us now.”

And after that, little Timmy was never seen again. His parents are still looking for him to this day but they’re beyond all hope finding him.

19. “Mmmmm….this little girl’s hand just tastes scrumptious. I wonder what the rest of her tastes like.”

I have a bad feeling about this situation. I’m sure little Susie is spending a lifetime in therapy by now, if she ever survived. If she did, not sure about the hand.

20. Before Chuck E. Cheese was a mouse, he was a rabbit. Yet, the kids just didn’t seem to warm up to him as a bunny for some reason.

Yeah, I have to agree. As much as I think the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese and all his friends are, they’re not nearly as terrifying as this guy.

21. “I love babies. Love how they’re so innocent and helpless, which makes them easy prey.”

Baby Ava’s parents should just scoop her up quick or else, she might end up as Peter Cottontail’s next meal by the looks of it.

22. “So which one of you bitches is coming back to my place tonight?”

While some Easter Bunnies are after the innocent blood of the children, others are just plain perverts who want young women to show them their tits.

23. “I have you now, my pretties.”

This Easter Bunny seems so happy but not in a good way. Seems to enjoy the smell of sweet innocents in the morning.

24. Little did Sally and Andy know that there was a giant pink monster behind them.

Maybe it’s best to leave the two blissfully unaware of the pink monster gaining up on them. And I certainly don’t like the look in his eyes.

25. Easter Bunny or horror movie monster?

I know it’s supposed to be a rabbit but it seems that this Easter Bunny seems A. on meth, B. has a day job as a franchise horror movie villain, C. has had his Easter Bunny costume made by someone who thinks he’s some burned out rabbit drug fiend, or D. all of the above.

26. “Note to self: perhaps mixing alfalfa with the gin and tonic is probably not a good idea.”

Yeah, that bunny seems to have ventured too far into the pot patch by the looks of it. Either that, or she seems as if she’s had a few too many.

27. “Mmmm…I seem to have an acquired taste for little girls. So tasty.”

Tragically, Little Jessica was never seen again after this. Her parents are still looking for her and have started working to keep Easter Bunnies out of playgrounds.

28. “Come and play with me, little girl.”

I don’t like the look on that bunny’s face. I mean it’s just as if he wants to have her for dinner in the Donner Party sense. Seems like this little girl doesn’t know what she’s up against.

29. Man, this girl must be very brave to keep a straight face while on that Easter Bunny’s lap.

In the words of Tim the Enchanter, “Death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth…” Also, don’t like the hand placement by the looks of it.

30. Before he had a successful career in movies and played Nucky Thompson in the Emmy-Award winning HBO series Boardwalk Empire, Steve Buscemi would occasionally fill in as an Easter Bunny ast the mall.

Of course, this was how he was discovered by the Coen Brothers who cast him as a villain in several of their films from the 1990s.

31. May I introduce you to the Easter Bunny and his friend Butch. At least I think it’s his friend. Please, be his friend.

“Time for our 12 o’clock paddy cake, tiger.” For those who’ve seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, you might know what I’m implying.

32. “Okay, kids, remember what I showed you about how to open a locked car without a key.”

Man, I don’t know about you but this Easter Bunny seems like a very bad role model by the looks of it. Please don’t trust him with your kids.

33. Don’t look now, but I think the bunny has just grabbed some unsuspecting kid.

Seriously, that boy must be on something since nobody smiles when a giant ferocious Easter Bunny puts their arms around them before dragging them to their untimely deaths.

34. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the Velveteen Rabbit, from Hell!

Man, and you thought today's costumed Easter Bunnies were horrifying. I mean just look at its souless eyes and long gnashing teeth.

Man, and you thought today’s costumed Easter Bunnies were horrifying. I mean just look at its soulless eyes and long gnashing teeth.

35. Allow me to introduce to you the Easter Bunny and his penguin pal.

I can bet this boy is wetting his pants as we speak. And from the looks of it, I can’t decide which one I’d rather sit on for they’re both equally nightmare inducing.

36. Little does this little boy know about the bespeckled horror behind him.

Mall security, I think we may need a higher and fuller fence. Else, risk a full frontal assault because that rabbit’s dynamite.

37. Of course, delivering eggs to all those kids is exhausting work.

Man, and you thought the Easter Bunny is supposed to be a good role model for children. Don’t let those kids catch you with those cigarettes and booze.

38. When not traumatizing kids at the mall, they are hanging out at the Easter office party.

Man, this bunny is just creepy as hell. Bet the woman is just smiling because she’s being promised a raise. Yet, this one is guaranteed to devour your soul if you don’t get back to work.

39. Behold, nobody is safe from the attack of Peter Rabbit.

And it seems that this Peter Rabbit seems to find nourishment in the tears of sweet innocent children. Oh, the humanity!

40. Easter Bunny or slasher horror movie villain?

Man, had no idea that homemade paper masks can be so terrifying, especially for a rabbit costume. I wonder what became of those kids.

41. “I think her liver will go just fine with some fava beans and a fine Chianti.”

This girl on the Bunny’s lap is taking this photo op quite well. Yet, this Flopsy seems to have murder on the mind.

42. Behold, well dressed chocolate bunny on the street.

Okay, not only is this chocolate bunny seems like a substitute teacher from your nightmares, it’s actually quite offensive if you see that it’s a white guy without makeup, especially without the bunny ears.

43. “If you don’t give me your Social Security number, the number on your bank account and credit cards, and your home alarm code, then you might as well kiss your precious children goodbye.”

Of course, this is the kind of picture you’d send along with a ransom note. Still, this bunny’s eyes bear no soul at all.

44. I’m sure having an Easter Bunny dressed as a granny won’t traumatize the kiddies a bit.

Ooops, I was wrong. Still enough to give this little boy nightmares who seems resigned to his inevitable fate at the moment.

45. Easter Bunny or mascot for a fiberglass insulation company?

Of course, I’m not sure if that makes any difference for it seems like this creature seems too cute for a haunted house and too creepy for anything else.

46. “I just love it when they scream.”

Because nothing replenishes an Easter Bunny like screams of horror from innocent helpless children.

47. When the Easter Bunny grabbed her basket, suddenly egg hunting didn’t seem like a great idea for little Abigail.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to go egg hunting with this Easter Bunny either, especially one that’s likely to appear in children’s nightmares.

48. “You can have her, just please stop looking at us like that.“

I’d hate to know what this nefariously pink Peter Cottontail has on his mind. Oh, yes, he’s pure evil as you can see in his eyes.

49. Hmm…seems like this Easter Bunny really doesn’t know how to behave during a beauty pageant photo-op.

And the fact he’s looking down on a beauty queen who’s at least a pre-teen makes this picture all the more cringe worthy.

50. I can’t tell whether this bunny is dead or just resting.

Did it just die? Get the kid, he’s on a dead bunny! Of course, I also don’t like how this bunny has his arm on the boy in this picture. Seriously, why?

51. Now that’s now bunny. That’s a giant white sentient peep.

And as a peep, his insides just consist of a concoction of inedible marshmallow and sugar filled with straight up maliciousness.

52. Either this boy is sitting on the Easter Bunny’s lap or this is a still from a lost Twilight Zone episode that depicted a giant, raging, rabbit psychokiller that preys especially on children.

Either way, this poor boy will have to spend a lifetime of therapy sessions, if he ever survived his encounter. Seriously, that bunny is just horrifying beyond all reason.

53. Either this Easter Bunny is trying to eat the dog or possibly commit unspeakable acts with it.

Either way, I really don’t want to know. Someone please call animal control and remove this creepy rabbit from the premises.

54. Unable to wriggle free, the child grimly accepts his fate.

Man, this lady bunny seems to have used way too much eyeliner for some reason. Seriously, that’s not cute. That’s nightmare inducing terror.

55. “Don’t cry running from me, little girl. You parents haven’t paid the ransom yet.”

Since when does an “abduction motif” make for a memorable Easter photo? This is utterly fucked up beyond all imagination? Seriously, why?

56. Of course, if it weren’t for the drug charges, Cottontail would still be taking photo ops with children instead of dogs.

“Dude, I can totally go for some of those leafy vegetables in Mr. MacGregor’s rad basement right now. Of course, eating them makes me so hungry and tripping balls.”

57. Of course, Larry decided to work as an Easter Bunny after he accidentally bleached his Bigfoot costume.

Yeah, that totally looks like a white rabbit. Well, the ears at least. Not sure about the rest of him. Seems more like a monster you’d have if the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland mated with Chewbacca.

58. “Hey, kid, touch my carrot, will you?”

Due to the unfortunate carrot placement and the creepy look on that bunny’s face, then no, kid. Absolutely not. Just run away like hell, kid. Seriously, you don’t want to know what this bunny is up to.

59. Don’t look now, but I don’t think this bunny is doing anything lawful on the premises.

If you see an Easter Bunny that looks like this on your lawn, you might want to call the cops in your area. Seriously, do it before he steals something like your car keys.

60. “Mind if I cut in, ladies?”

Sure these women may be smiling but there’s something not right about this bunny’s facial expression. I mean he just seems to have a face of someone subject to a sexual harassment lawsuit.

61. Of course, it isn’t uncommon for some Easter Bunnies to visit retirement homes.

Now this old lady is like, “Back off, boy, or I’ll put you in a world by running over you with my walker. Kepeche?”

62. “I am the easter bunny dammit, respect me or I eat the child.”

And looking at his evil, soulless, eyes, I don’t think he’s kidding. And I’m not sure if this boy is aware of what’s going on.

63. What’s odd about this Easter Bunny is that he doesn’t seem too fond of children.

“God dammit, I only did this for the money! If I have to see one more kid sit on my lap, then I’m not sure what I’ll do. Now where my Jack Daniels and 10 cent hooker they promised me?”

64.By the look of his eyes, this rabbit definitely has a nose candy problem.

Okay, I think this rabbit is just plain terrifying. By the way, despite the kid having a butch haircut, that's definitely a girl because little boys didn't wear puffy sleeves like that in the day.

Okay, I think this rabbit is just plain terrifying, especially where he has his hands. By the way, despite the kid having a butch haircut, that’s definitely a girl because little boys didn’t wear puffy sleeves like that in the day.

65. By the looks of it, you’d think the Easter Bunny was plotting to kill Superman.

Of course, what makes this even more cringe worthy is that George Reeves actually died of a gunshot wound under some mysterious circumstances. But I’m surprised why the Easter Bunny was never a murder suspect.

66. “I give you eggs and candy in your Easter basket, you give me booze. Do we have deal?”

Looking at the bunny’s face, you can tell he has a serious drinking problem. Maybe he should lay off on the mint juleps for awhile.

67. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

“That’s right, be a good little girl and eat these carrots. Else, you’ll make a lovely addition in my rabbit stew and I’m sure you don’t want that to happen.”

68. Okay, maybe this whole inter-species romance thing isn’t a great idea, especially if one of them is a giant 6 foot rabbit.

While Roger and Jessica Rabbit might make a cute couple, understand that they’re cartoons. Such Rabbit and human relations in real life would be quite terrifying according to this. I mean, rabbits were never meant to be sexy.

69. Easter Bunny or old timey villain with a double mustache?

Yeah, I’m sure this bunny doesn’t seem like he could go on homicidal warpath and kill a bunch of teenagers. Yeah right.

70. Dr. Moreau Pig/Bunny Atrocity Mask? Check! Costume on backwards? Check! Suspect location? Check! Happy Easter.

Yeah, wearing a bunny costume backwards really doesn’t make this bunny less scary. Of course, the mask really inspires a slew of eternal nightmares.

71. Of course, since pink is a festive Easter color, maybe pink bunnies aren’t so bad.

I was wrong since this one completely scares the bejesus out of anyone who dares looks into her soulless eyes. Also, I bet the boy probably needs some brown pants by now.

72. “Go, ahead, kid touch the carrot, will you?”

Oh, hell, no. Please don’t, kid. Just don’t. I have a bad feeling about this. Seriously, those eyes bear no sense of kindness whatsoever.

73. “Oh, yes, little one, come to me. You will be assimilated.”

Okay, I know this is supposed to depict a sweet, heartwarming moment. But I just can’t help but cringe when looking at this. Seriously, that bunny is terrifying.

74. I’m not sure this girl should reach into that Easter basket. Must be desperate for Easter goodies.

Seems like she was a bit desperate. Of course, this is how an Easter Bunny like that would try to ensnare its prey. Yeah, that girl may never be seen again anytime soon.

75. Now that looks like a cross between the Easter Bunny and the Abominable Snowman.

Now if it weren’t for the long ears, I would’ve sworn it was some kind of homicidal monster from a children’s cartoon of some sort.

76. They say if you can look into his eyes, you can see the fiery depths of Hell itself.

Either that, or it resembles the Trix Rabbit after he stopped craving cereal and started abusing psychoactive and hallucinogenic drugs like meth, for instance.

77. For children who prefer their six-foot rabbits more nightmarishly realistic.

Of course, this child is probably going to experience a lifetime of giant bunny nightmares. Yet, I’m not sure whether this one laughs maniacally or not.

78. Of course, many people say that 2 Easter Bunnies are better than one.

Okay, I’m sorry. I was wrong. They’re actually quite terrifying. And I’m sure that there’s no escape for screaming baby Julie on the lady bunny’s laugh. Of course, I could see these two laughing maniacally on the whole thing.

79. “The child is mine. All mine. Nah hah hah hah hah.”

I guess this child is beyond hope when it comes to getting away from arms of the fluffy pink and white monstrosity.

80. When not having kids sit on his lap, this Easter Bunny likes to hang out at the club.

I’m not sure why he’s a hit with the ladies because that evil, soulless face is more appropriate for a horror movie. Seriously, I really don’t like the looks of him.

Easter Greetings from the Days of Yesteryear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on March 3, 2015

While not a big card exchange holiday like Christmas and Valentine’s Day as well as perhaps Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, there are some people who take part of this tradition which was started in the 19th century. Many of these cards contain a variety of Easter motifs like bunnies, chicks, eggs, crosses, and what not. Of course, as with anything from more than a generation ago, Easter cards also may have a tendency to receive their share of nostalgia since many of them have artistic illustrations attached to them. Now I can go on all about the great vintage Easter greeting cards out there. But I know that would be boring so I’ll show you some Easter cards that would make us ask what the hell our ancestors were thinking or how did they ever think it was a good idea. Some of them might seem creepy by our standards as well as unintentionally funny. So maybe a vintage Easter card of Jesus as a shepherd is probably a better card to send, even if your friends aren’t Christian, compared to this bunch. So without further ado, here are some not so cutesy Easter cards from yesterday.

1. Happy Easter from the hatching Easter baby.

And this is why we need biology class as well as sex education in schools. Seriously, mammals are placental animals that don’t lay eggs.

2. Loving Easter Greetings, now watch what those chicks can do with that rabbit.

Man, it must suck being a rabbit in a chick circus. Seriously, nobody wants to get pussy willow whipped under the big top.

3. Easter greetings from an unhinged rabbit performance of Wuthering Heights performed from within giant egg.

Honestly, I really don’t want to know what’s going on there. And for those who know the story of Wuthering Heights, remember Cathy and Heathcliff’s screaming dysfunctional relationship doesn’t end well.

4. Happy Easter from some creepy woman in egg holding an egg.

I wonder what kind of drugs these French photographers and card designers were on to produce such crazy cards like these. Maybe absinthe isn’t as safe as it’s said to be.

5. Happy Easter from the two cats who decided to paint a hatching egg.

“Sure the egg might’ve hatched while we were painting it, Joey. But look on the bright side, at least we’re having baby rotisserie chicken tonight.”

6. Happy Easter from a German soldier, an Austro-Hungarian infantryman, and the Easter Bunny?

Man, seeing the Easter Bunny hanging out the the Central Powers. Let’s hope Santa Claus is on the Allies’ side or else a bunch a soldiers are sure going to be disappointed.

7. Easter greetings from the colorful, egg shell wearing, dancing bunny cult.

Who knew that old fashioned card artists could make bunnies and eggs so terrifying. Could possibly serve as an inspiration for a Donnie Darko poster.

8. “Okay, Henny Penny, I spared your last chick now repay me by laying your next egg in the frying pan. Breakfast doesn’t cook itself, you know.”

In the world of vintage cards, this is “breakfast.” In the world of poultry, this is Sophie’s Choice.

9. Happy Easter this spring from the Easter Puck.

While the Prince of Darkness may inhabit the fiery regions of Hell, he sure does enjoy frolicking among the white daffodils during the spring. Still, don’t want to see this during the Easter egg hunt.

10. Nothing says Easter like a visit from the ghost dad who went to fight on the Western Front.

Hmm…German soldier dad with Kaiser helmet watching over Easter Bunny with his children. Creepy.

11. Happy Easter from the egg carrying, umbrella wielding chicken lady.

Okay, that’s going to give your kid nightmares. Of course, she’s about to whack that bunny with her umbrella over the abduction of one of her unborn children.

12. Happy Easter from the chick preying bunny from Hell!

I hate to think what this evil eyed Easter bunny wants to do with this chick. Seems like he’s saying, “I have plans for you, Goldilocks.”

13. An Easter greeting from the bunny regiment and their enslaved chicken.

Yes, I’m sure those eggs are from those the enslaved chicken laid which they’re now using as artillery shells. Also, did I tell you that the chicken sort of resembles a rooster?

14. Easter greetings from the egg that inspired Hannibal Lecter.

How could any card company ever think this illustration is a good idea? I mean it has a picture of an anthropomorphic egg having it’s guts eaten out of him.

15. Happy Easter from creepy rabbit girl.

Okay, compared to the Donnie Darko rabbit and this girl in a rabbit costume, the creepy rabbit girl wins every time when it comes to inducing nightmares.

16. “All right, who’s been cracking the eggs in this basket?”

Okay, this card carries some unfortunate implications we need not discuss right now. Of course, those 2 eggs breaking might’ve been an accident but it’s not stopping the chick soldiers from chirping like mad.

17. “So remember kids, babies come from giant chicken eggs, okay?”

Do I need to remind anyone why sex ed is required in high schools across America? Seriously, this is fucked up. I mean what the hell was this designer on when he thought up this?

18. “By the way, Jimmy, this is a hard egg to crack so we must use hammers.”

Still, I wonder where these girls got their chicken costumes from. Oh, I think I can guess. Oh, my God, that’s disturbing! And there the yellow chick sits helplessly by to watch.

19. “Get off my lawn, you floppy eared, patted food, egg stealing punk, Peter Cottontail!”

Also serves as a great PSA on why we need stricter gun laws. Yep, nothing says Easter like a chick using his God given Second Amendment Right of standing his ground.

20. Apparently, Easter isn’t always welcome in places like the swamp since the frogs and the bees are total bullies.

By the way, are the frogs flinging mud or poo? I can’t really be sure. Besides, bees aren’t that big unless they’ve been exposed to radiation, perhaps, but I don’t want to think about it.

21. “Happy Easter, and remove the ladder please.”

Unfortunately, Billy would drown in an array of egg white and yoke as well as willful negligence from his friends.

22. Happy Easter with love from the office chick couple.

Seems like someone in the back isn’t happy for these 2 lovebirds and seems like it’s contemplating revenge of some sort.

23. Now these two chicks seem to have a nice Easter morning walk.

Okay, now the guy chick is smoking in a suit. The female chick has a bit of her shell attached to her ass. So does that mean she’s not long hatched and that there’s a bit of sugar daddery going on?

24. “Here, boy, here’s a lovely Easter egg to give to your mother.”

Remember, kids, don’t ever accept Easter eggs from strange rabbits. Seriously, you have no idea what their agenda is. Besides, the kid is creepy.

25. Good wishes, this Easter, unless you’re the chick in the stew pot.

Now this is quite disturbing. Aren’t the other two chicks going to help their friend? Or is the one chick like, “Sorry, but there’s a Breaking Bad marathon on AMC.”

26. Happy Easter by the creepy gnome painting Easter eggs.

Don’t like the look on that guy’s face. Also, I have a bad feeling about the chicks surrounding him who seem fatally attracted to the color red for some reason.

27. “Happy Easter and you can have my Easter eggs if you can pry them from my cold dead hands.”

Would great movie poster. I can see it now. Easter Bunny’s Revenge: It’s rabbit season, folks, but this time it’s man whose the hunted.

28. Happy Easter and all hail the giant newly hatched chick.

Now I’m not sure why these people have to dance around the chick. Must be some sort of cult ritual before they sacrifice it by setting the nest on fire.

29. Easter greetings from the gnome flower house.

“Come in and make yourself at home. Of course, I’m not going steal your eggs or make you into rabbit stew.” I have a bad feeling about this since the gnome is just terrifying.

30. In the latest of baby chicken transportation, I know give you the rabbit and egg shell carrier.

The rabbit seems dead inside. Also, I’m sure egg shells are very fragile and don’t make good containers. Just saying.

31. These rabbits wish you a happy Easter greeting.

And by “greeting,” the mean, “we will kill you. Possibly stuff and mount you while we’re at it.”

32. Happy Easter from the red eyed killer bunnies of infernal doom.

“We’re here to eat your cute little chicks or possibly stun you with our laser eyes.” Either way, these cute little chicks are going to be nuggets once these bunnies are done with them.

33. With best Easter wishes, let’s destroy these multicolored eggs from the nest by dumping them on these birds. It will be fun.

Obviously, whoever illustrated this cared either hated birds or didn’t think this one through. Bunch of brats.

34. Celebrate Easter like these two chickies would, getting drunk.

The one with the bottle is destined to become the famed rooster His Royal Majesty Rex Goliath who would reach a whopping 47 pounds as “the World’s Largest Rooster” and have a wine company named after him in California.

35. “You know these hens don’t just produce great artillery shells. They also are great for transporting cannons.”

Seriously, what’s with all this Easter motifs with battle implements? It’s like having a card with a picture of a commando Easter Bunny in camo carrying an AK-47! I mean, why?

36. On Easter, it’s not uncommon to see upright rabbits playing tennis with colored Easter eggs.

“It’s a good thing these eggs are hard boiled and covered in latex. Else, we’d have a slimy situation on our hands.”

37. Nothing says Easter like a boy putting the moves on a girl in a giant eggshell boat rowed by a rabbit.

I bet this rabbit is like, “Get a room, you two.” Still, how old are these kids supposed to be? I mean this is kind of disturbing if you ask me.

38. Happy Easter from the whole family.

Okay, now let me get this straight. This family consists of a rabbit dad and chick mom with two rabbit boys and a baby chick. So how does that happen? I have nothing against depicting inter-species relationships in greeting cards but this is ridiculous.

39. Remember parents, don’t leave your baby unattended with an egg basket. Because small children can easily fall prey to monstrous chicks.

I don’t like the look of the three chicks congregating like they’re straight out of Goodfellas. Luckily, baby has a pussy willow in hand for self-defense.

40. Didn’t know that the Easter Bunny traveled on a plane made from pink spring flowers.

I wonder what kind of drugs this illustrator was tripping on to come up with this? Seriously, why does this even exist?

41. Happy Easter from the naked lady hatching from the giant egg.

Since how does this capture the message of Easter? Seriously, you wonder that such cards of strange women hatching from eggs exist mainly as fanservice. You know, the kind of cards young men would send to their fellow frat brothers.

42. Happy Easter from the Easter egg girl.

Seriously, I’m at a loss for words with this one. Also, I don’t think that little girl’s dress is appropriate attire either. I mean, why?

43. Easter greetings from the chickies and the boy who’s about to kill their newly hatched friend with a paddle.

I don’t know about you but I think the chicks need to clear out right now because there’s a paddle wielding boy with murder on the mind.

44. Nothing says Easter like a newly hatched babe in the river.

Now this is crazy. And no, gorgeous women don't emerge from eggs! Seriously, why?

Now this is crazy. And no, gorgeous women don’t emerge from eggs! Else, Sports Illustrated and Playboy would’ve started their own egg hatching programs. Seriously, why?

45. Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity, hoppity, Easter’s on its-Holy shit, is that blood in that bucket?

Seems like Peter Cottontail murdered his boss and is now gleefully painting the town with his blood, literally. What a sadistic, homicidal rabbit.

46. Seems like this chick has taken habit to riding and smoking.

So I suppose this card shows how barnyard chicks really start early. Still, not sure which is freakier, the smoking or the riding habit.

47. This Easter, may you find an Easter Bunny within a colored egg.

Sorry, kids, but I’m afraid rabbit reproduction just doesn’t work that way. Rabbits give birth to live young and don’t emerge fully formed. Yeah, way to go with telling misleading information on rabbit biology. Also, is its ear bleeding?

48. Nothing makes a more adorable Easter card than a child covering a rabbit’s eyes.

Then again, those rabbit eyes seem to tell us that it’s pure evil and might kill us as we speak. The kid looks pretty creepy as well.

49. Nothing brings the spirit of Easter than a card depicting bunnies smoking flowers with pipes.

vintage-Easter-postcard-funny-rabbits-smoking-flowers-egg-pipes_jpg

Now they use egg shells for their pipe ends. Still, that must be strong stuff that their smoking. Also, you have to wonder what the designer was smoking to come up with this idea. Seriously why?

50. May your Easter greetings bring you great joy this spring.

free-vintage-easter-clip-art-pink-egg-three-tabby-kittens

Unfortunately for this chick, once it gets out of its shell, it won’t have a long to live. Because these cats seem to eye it as if they’re waiting for their next meal.

Personal Ads Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 14, 2015

Whether it be on Craigslist or the newspaper classifieds, personal ads have served as a way for people to meet one another for dates. Some do personal ads since they may not know people in the area or live in places with a small dating pool such as gays and those who probably dated everyone in town who’s not married as well as too old to be their child but too young to be their parents. Others want to meet people but don’t want it to be known in their public life. Of course, we all have reasons for seeking dates this way whether it be looking for a spouse or just a one night stand. Some people who put out personal ads may already be married and just looking to either swing or have a little on the side. Still, not all personal ads pertain to necessarily dating but plenty of them do, at least those we tend to make fun of. They usually include a description of the person and their interests. Those who are interested contact the person posting either through listed information or a forwarding service. Nevertheless, though some may post photos, the person posting it usually does it anonymously. Now I can go on and on about the great personal ads I’ve seen but that’s limited and I’m not sure if I want to resort to that when I have internet dating (but I’m far more interested in trying to establish myself as a writer and get a long term steady job that’ll get me out of my parents home, though I will take exceptions if the right guy comes along). Instead, I’ll post some of the more unusual and funny personal ads of people you may or may not want to date. Some of these may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some personal ads to laugh at this Valentine’s Day season.

1. While some try to make sure the message fits the ad, this one took two placements to get his message across.

He just had to take 2 spots in the paper to ask his girlfriend a very important question: to make dinner so he could finish Breaking Bad. Of course, some people might agree.

2. Some guys put themselves out there on the dating scene with the local classifieds. Some do it with Craigslist and online dating. But this guy does it with an entire billboard.

Then again, if he has to put his personal ad on a billboard, he’s probably very rich and very desperate. Still, I wouldn’t date this guy since he’s a returned missionary (since I’m Catholic, it’s a deal breaker) and his sense of humor is questionable.

3. When a female farmer is looking for a man, she does her own personal ad with a tractor.

Never has looking for love ever used up so much gasoline. And she isn’t even involved in a long distance relationship either.

4. I’m sure this ad is only honest when you read lines 1, 3, and 5. Pervert.

When you just read lines 1, 3, and 5 it says: “A tall well-built woman with good legs who appreciates a good fucking without getting too serious.” Yeah, he’s not looking for a relationship with a woman who can cook frog legs and likes fuchsia gardens and classical music. He wants to get laid.

5. While some may long for a companion, others want someone to satisfy their particular uh, fetishes.

I can’t believe that this was posted by a senior citizen. I think this might be by the dead father from Death at a Funeral if I’m not mistaken. Then again, Peter Dinkledge wasn’t a carnie and I’m not sure about the scat and diaper sniffing fetish.

6. Of course, it’s not always the young who seek just to hook up with during a one night stand.

The fact the guy has Viagra basically means he’s above a certain age and has erectile dysfunction. However, I’m not surprised that he’s looking for women between 18 and 80 since Idaho doesn’t have a lot of people living there to begin with.

7. So that’s how Kermit met Piggy. Wait, I’ve seen The Muppet Movie and I’m pretty sure they met in person.

The description in this ad basically sums up Miss Piggy perfectly. Not sure how a frog and pig would be sexually compatible, let alone be able to have children.

8. Basically this ad says: “Go out with me because I spent $340 on this ad though I can’t pay for your dinner.”

He also wants a woman to have restaurant coupons if you read the fine print on the bottom. Still, according to his description may be good looking enough since he’s 6’1,” 170 lbs with brown hair and blue eyes as well as 28. Then again, his spending habits are questionable.

9. Sometimes in personal ads, you find guys who have impossible standards.

Sorry, dude, but I think it’s time to lower your standards. For God’s sake, you might need to drop the double jointed supermodel with open minded twin sister to start with. Also, you don’t want a girl who grows pot unless you live in Colorado or Washington State. And you thought women were picky.

10. 33 year old male seeks meeting and boning women and couples as well as form or join a sex club.

It’s kind of funny how you see a picture of a geeky professional with plastic rimmed glasses while reading a description of wanting to be a swinger. Of course, this is from the 1960s. Guess hippies weren’t the only ones believing in free love at the time.

11. Wanted: Women for our swingers club because we’re executives and there aren’t man women among us because it’s the 1960s.

Of course, this is a perfect place for the cast of Mad Men, well, at least those who are young like Don Draper. Nevertheless, have to appreciate that they’re not picky since they’ll even take gay divorcees, yet I’m not sure it that means divorced lesbians.

12. Now personal ads don’t always have to be about getting dates. This woman just wants her purse back.

Woman was probably drunk at the time when the person she’s seeking out in question drove her home. She could also try one of the the bars. Has to be around somehow.

13. Some people find that personal ads sometimes make them express their poetic inclinations.

Now it seems this guy wants to find this Francesca who’s possibly upset with him. Yet, if he can’t get her back, he’d settle for a dominatrix. This is according to my interpretation.

14. Now this is what I call a dirty old man who may a possible candidate for John Boehner’s biological father.

Yes, he has the Boehner “Groot” tan we all remember from the House Speaker’s appearance during Obama’s last State of the Union speech. Unlike the gentleman from Ohio though, there’s a good chance his tan is natural.

15. Young educated Frenchman seeks rich older woman in the 19th century. I wonder what’s this for?

I don’t know about you, but would it be rude of me to say that this guy is advertising for a sugar mama? Seriously, if he had a thing for older women, he wouldn’t have to include the word, “wealth” right?

16. Sometimes there are some people who post personal ads who really shouldn’t, like married people or priests.

I almost didn’t post this but I had to since it’s just so ridiculous and disturbing. Now this priest isn’t really breaking his vow of celibacy by confessing to being turned on by a lady he met in the confessional (though he might intend to as the subtext reads). His real Catholic crime is breaking the seal of confession by posting certain details of this woman’s sins on Craigslist. Of course, chances are he’s probably not a real priest if he’s Catholic. If not, then someone’s about to be defrocked if the bishop finds out.

17. Sometimes it’s love at first sight. Other times, at first smell.

Now this is the kind of personal ad my grandfather would love, for entertainment purposes. I mean farting in the bread aisle, that’s too much.

18. Of course, you’d find a lot of divorced people posting personal ads but I’m not sure if this woman is ready to move on yet.

From what I’ve read in this ad, it’s very clear that this middle age woman needs a therapist since she’s certainly not ready to start dating again. Yes, I know she’s upset about her husband’s cheating but still.

19. 35 year old engineer seeks woman to marry so he can get ahead in his business.

Man, seems like engineers haven’t changed much since the 1920s. Who’s to bet that he’s the great grandfather of somebody from The Big Bang Theory? Probably the Sheldon Cooper of his day. Also like how he says that flappers and divorcees save their stamps. Also, the bank reference bit suggests, “gold digger.”

20. Two guys request two women to live happily ever after with-in the closet.

Man, this one shows how we came a long way with gay rights. Guess these guys don’t have a gay friendly boss. Still, I’m not sure if marrying lesbians is their idea of “fun.”

21. Now this guy certainly has his mojo rising.

I wonder if this is Jim Morrison’s personal ad. I mean he was born in early December, was of normal height, had brown hair and blue eyes, was a baritone who performed with the Doors, a lounge act, and considered himself a poet. Yet, if it is, offer is for a limited time only until he gets fat and is found dead in his bathtub in 1971 at 27. It doesn’t look good, ladies. And you don’t want me to tell you about his substance abuse and reputed womanizing.

22. Of course, while some guys put out personal ads for hos, some try to get bros to do, you know, guy stuff.

Now I got to wonder about this guy’s sexual orientation for methinks he may doth protesteth too much. I mean this ad screams closet case or as if he’s trying to prove he’s not light in the loafers by engaging in “manly” pursuits. Seriously, I have neighbors who go bow hunting together and they’re husband and wife.

23. Middle aged man seeks wife, no pretty rich bitches please!

This kind of reminds me of a personal ad you’d expect a guy like Jane Eyre’s Mr. Rochester to write. Of course, the last part would read, “Oh, that mad woman in the attic? Totally not my wife.”

24. Young beautiful woman seeks attractive sugar daddy.

Of course, this woman is what a guy like Kanye West would call a “gold digger.” Sure this ad is from the 19th century, but c’mon, she’s looking for a hot guy with a large bank account. Of course, note that she doesn’t mention whether he has to be single.

25. Single mom-to-be seeks stepfather because baby daddy is behind bars.

I’m sure any nice guy would be willing to be with a woman and raise somebody else’s baby, particularly if its dad is rotting in the penitentiary. Well, if he really likes the kid’s mother or is sterile. Seriously, this is messed up.

26. Handsome Italian businessman seeking lifelong companion to give up everything and join him in an undisclosed location.

Now I don’t want to be stereotypical here or offend any Italians reading this. Yet, I’m not saying this guy is from the Mafia but reading about an “Italian businessman entering witness protection” you have to wonder. Seriously, ladies, you might want to take a pass on this one. Besides, being on witness protection is a bad time to post a personal ad.

27. Homeless musician seeks vulnerable runaway who’s at least 18.

Well, the good news is a Dodge Dart isn’t a windowless van. But still, I wonder how old this guy is. Let’s hope he’s at least under 30.

28. Single man seeks woman so he can enjoy a threesome with his furniture.

I’m sure if he wanted any action with his antique Danish furniture, I’m sure he wouldn’t post a personal ad in the paper. Unfortunately, English was not his best subject in school, which makes him the kind of guy who likes to hump inanimate objects.

29. Farmer seeks housekeeper and possible girlfriend.

I know that this guy is lonely, but I think this farmer can’t help himself with “mate” as if he wants to put his housekeeper together with a bull or other animal.

30. Unemployed screenwriter in this 50s seeks 20 some blond girl as muse. Oh, she’s paying for her own dinner.

Hmmm….this almost seems like a personal ad Dixon Steele would post from In a Lonely Place since he fits the guy’s description though he may not be technically unemployed. Yet, he did date a 20 some blonde played by Gloria Grahame. Of course, he may have forgotten to include “under suspicion of murder” and “has major anger issues.”

31. Sometimes you can tell what a man does just by the way he describes himself.

This man is a mechanic since he’s describing himself like he’s a car. Of course, being a 1932 issue, it’s no surprise he’s a senior citizen who’s had parts replaced.

32. From how I read this, I guess this is a manga/anime nerd with a Japanese fetish.

By the way, endmame is preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I'm not sure of what to make with "samurai sensuality" which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong.

By the way, edamame is an Asian preparation of immature soy bean pods while a bento box is a serving dish container mostly used for Japanese food. However, I’m not sure of what to make with “samurai sensuality” which may suggest that the author is female but I could be wrong. Then again, I’m not sure if this person knows what “edamame” or “bento box” mean.

33. Single male seeks single woman to entertain at kiddie birthday party?

Okay, if a guy wants someone to entertain for his kid’s birthday party, I’m sure a clown of either sex would do nicely, especially when it pertains to balloon animals. This guy is looking for something more but won’t admit it.

34. For those seeking a good Christian man and an open marriage, you can’t do better than this guy ladies.

Of course, this guy is divorced. Apparently, the ex wasn’t too keen on his unconventional lifestyle. Also likes skinny dipping just so you know.

35. Of course, some people like to post personal ads just to say how much they miss their ex or not.

When you first read this you think this guy wants his ex-girlfriend back. Turns out he just wants the TV. Man, what’s with people these days?

36. Well, when you hit a certain age, sometimes you have to be honest in your expectations.

Yeah, when you’re a 69 year old woman, you really can’t ask for fit and handsome, can you? Of course, she’s probably honest about the low energy lifestyle since she’s overweight and likes to eat.

37. Be wary of the personal ad by those seeking forbidden fruit.

Let’s see Palestinian woman wants to meet Jewish man and travel to Israel. What can possibly go wrong with that? I can name a lot of reasons why this woman is asking for trouble.

38. When it comes to the rebound, some people just don’t know when they should start dating again.

Seems like Jim Stone isn’t quite over Marcy Teddle despite her cheating on him. Seriously, he might need to see a therapist and work out his feels before putting himself out there. Did somebody say too soon?

39. Some people think personal ads are beneath their dignity, others not so much.

Seems like this woman isn’t afraid to put herself out there by putting down prospective suitors. Or lowering her standards in regards to men and footwear. Probably not helping her case.

40. Some people can also use personal ads for not just getting a date but also seeking employment or shelter.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/giggolo. Now I haven't heard that before.

Man, this guy may be a homeless gold digger but at least he admits and is willing to work hard for his keep as a Pilates instructor/gigolo. Now I haven’t heard that before.

41. Of course, unrealistic expectations don’t always have to pertain to looks.

Now outdoor enjoyment is fine but understanding DNA replication? That’s kind of impossible. However, if this was Sheldon Cooper’s personal ad, it somehow seemed to pay off on The Big Bang Theory.

42. Of course, it’s not single men who posts personals in the paper.

Ladies, remember when a guy’s personal ad contains the word, “mistress” understand that he’s married, not looking for anything serious or long term, and won’t leave his wife for you. Nice try, Don Draper.

43.Of course, there are some things happen in Vegas, that should stay in Vegas.

Man, whoever “Ann” is, seems like she’ll be pretty embarrassed when she sees this. Also, I don’t know what to make of the guy’s picture. But at least he’s smart enough to include it.

44. We all know that looks shouldn’t matter but some guys just can’t resist.

Basically this guy is saying to women, “I don’t care what you look like as long as you fit into my ideal physical specifications. Hey, I’m not picky since I didn’t specify race, color, creed or hair color.” Well, he’s probably the most open minded guy you’d see—at a Victora’s Secret fashion show!

45. Now when it comes to personal ads, it’s important that you’d be a nonsmoker to some, most of the time.

Apparently, this woman thinks that a “nonsmoker” is someone who only smokes cigarettes. However, conventional wisdom and/or personal experience shows that the vast majority of tobacco users usually smoke cigarettes. Seriously, almost all the smokers I’ve seen in my life use them.

46. Crazy Christian lady seeks good Christian man.

I know that most people with mental health issues are perhaps only marginally violent as everyone else. Yet, I can’t help looking at this and think about Margaret White from the famous Stephen King novel, Carrie. Yet, I don’t think she was a schizophrenic. Just nuts.

47. Middle aged man seeks guy to hang out with him, play with trains and mutual touching. But is totally not gay.

This guy may be open about his model trains, but he’s totally in the closet as far as I’m concerned. Also, the selfie kind of creeps me out.

48. Even muppets can have personal ads. This is Snuffy’s.

Man, you remember watching Sesame Street as a child and when you read stuff by them, it kind of ruins your childhood. I’ll certainly never think of Snuffy the same way again. By the way, how does he? Oh, never mind.

49. While some people have impossible relationship standards, others can’t raise their standards high enough.

This woman has a sever case of classic co-dependent syndrome. I bet the guy who fits the “you” description is probably her ex and I can see she may still miss him. This woman needs a therapist badly.

50. When it comes to sexual harassment, sometimes people just take it a little bit to extreme.

Hey, you have to give this woman credit for trying to be consistent. Yet, I’m not sure if the guy who groped her in a bar is willing to give his address after she threatened to kill him.

51. There’s nothing like a personal ad that says, “I’m turned off by your sarcasm and indifference but if you still want me, I’ll buy an extra ticket to Europe.”

Hey, Emilie, I think you might want to take a tip from Elsa and just let it go if he’s just not into you. Then again, you’re probably living in the 19th century and are probably trying to please your parents.

52. Go back in time with me, and bring your own weapons.

Good: This guy is willing to pay money.
Bad: Asks to bring weapons and says the time travel idea isn’t a joke. Says he’s done this before and safety isn’t guaranteed.
Verdict: Must be nuts.

53. Sometimes I can’t tell whether this guy is looking for a woman or a piece of meat.

I’m sure this guy is either hungry for love or just plain hungry for a hotdog or burger with mustard. Also describes himself as a rib eye, but I don’t know what he means by that.

54. Some people do personal ads just to know where they stand, sexually.

Since when does making a certain noise make you seem gay? Also, why talk about getting brain surgery in a newspaper? Besides, what’s the deal with the noise and what kind does it make?

55. When it comes to the perfect woman, some already know what they’re looking for.

I bet “H. M. C.” stands for “the Honorable Matthew Crawley.” I mean this description just screams Lady Mary here. Too bad what happened to him in Season 3. So remember, boys, drive responsibly.

56. Some guys have impossible standards, others have enormous egos.

Now if a guy says he’s a perfect human specimen, you know he’s full of it. Also says that he wants them disease free and not overweight. And he talks about how his van is broken down.

57. Man seeks German woman with bookkeeping skills and titanic Teutonic titties.

I wonder what a 36 bust translates nowadays in bra sizes? Guess that the old timey Hooters owner needs a secretary and/or mistress.

58. Charge up and jerk off with this guy.

Okay, this guy doesn’t look too bad. Yet, though his crystal wearing masturbation might work well for him, let’s just say he won’t be a motivational speaker with that kind of material.

59. Divorced cat lady wants to ride a blue balled man’s ivory tower.

Man, this cat lady already has 7 cats and is desperate for companionship. Hey, at least she knows where to look for a change. Besides, she’s been divorced.

60. Social climber seeks friend to score middle aged rich men.

And she wants a lady friend to drive her places to score with high class men, kind of like Anna Nicole Smith. Of course, she could just get a chauffeur or drive herself.

61. Snob seeks hipster to have dinner and complain about eating shitty restaurant food.

Of course, seeing the word, “white” on this doesn’t make me think this is a nice guy. Also, I’m not sure if a cultural imperialist and a hipster would make a great couple, if they’re totally different things.

62. Ang Lee fan seeks camping and fishing buddy. Must be married and not act gay.

Of course, Ang Lee is well known to direct a film about two married men who go on a weekend camping and fishing trip. And we all know how that turned out.

63. Chess champ seeks queenside for special endgame.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn't just get his kicks above the waistline, baby. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

When it comes to that night in Bangkok, Gary K is the guy who doesn’t just get his kicks above the waistline, sunshine. Bangkok, gets the creme de la creme of the chess world which has everything but Yul Brynner because The King and I is banned there.

64. Single woman wants man to buy her a drink, and no alcoholics please.

Something tells me that she’s been with a few alcoholics a bars before. Not to mention, I wouldn’t be surprised if a drunk answered her ad since some of the worst alcoholics don’t realize they have a drinking problem.

65. This guy has everything a woman wants, save one testicle.

Hey, at least the guy is somewhat attractive, smart, and has a good job. Maybe having one ball shouldn’t be grounds against him. Seriously, ladies, you might want to give this guy a chance, unless he’s Lance Armstrong.

66. You know a guy is behind the times when he mentions “payphone” and “beeper” in his personal ad.

Also, while this guy seems rich enough to fly places, he’s still poor enough to call from the nearest payphone. As if he doesn’t have a phone of his own. Also, beepers are bygone 1990s technology that’s only used by doctors these days.

67. Sugar daddy seeks college girl. Will pay for everything.

This guy may be a pig, but he’s not stupid. Seriously, ladies, he basically offers to pay for student loans and teach business skills. Still, no matter how broke or single I am, I’m not that desperate.

68. 33 year old man seeks lady that smells like strawberry air freshener.

Guess any girl interested must buy their strawberry smelling perfume from Glade. You know, basically they have to smell that way before he could plug it in, plug it in.

69. Of course, it’s hard for people to make it in the dating world, especially if they have STDs.

Hey, he may have genital warts but you have to admire his honesty. Also, for those who don’t know “420” is marijuana.

70. Miniature stallion breeder seeks mare to ride on.

I’m sure “miniature” just applies to the horses and not the man. Nevertheless, he does have a way with words and knows what he’s looking for.

71. Woman wanted for excursion on taco truck and maybe a little tongue.

By the way, “lengua” is Spanish for tongue and it’s used to refer to “beef tongue.” Of course, to eat that, a woman must have a stomach of steel so I don’t. Also, the beans might give you gas, as seen on Blazing Saddles.

72. In some cases, there are guys who think bigger is better.

I don’t know about you but what are the chances that this is one of those Hummer driving guys who’s probably compensating for something. Also, seeks women with big boobs.

73. Seems like a lot of Amazons want to swing from Tarzan’s big vine these days, figuratively speaking.

Of course, anyone who’s seen Tarzan movies or read the book by Edgar Rice Burroughs, we all know that Tarzan is already taken since he has Jane. Also, how is it possible to have Amazons in Africa, they’re from Russia as far a Greek mythology is concerned.

74. Perverted reclusive dirty old movie star seeks Chinese girl but has Japanese fetish.

For God’s sake, the only way you can tell an East Asian from another is by their names or culture. Unless you live there, you can’t tell a Chinese apart from a Japanese if you see them on the street. At least in America. Still, this guy’s kind of a pervert with an East Asian fetish for some reason. So a Chinese girl isn’t much of a new leaf for him.

75. Guy in track suit bottoms seeks girl in pajamas with possible substance issues.

I don’t know about you but when I see someone smoking in their pajamas with a bottle of vodka on the street, “gorgeous” doesn’t enter my mind. Also, I don’t want to know what the guy does in his sweatpants. Seriously, I don’t want to know.

76. Internet dating? That’s for creeps. Real men use flyers to put themselves out there.

Not only that, but this guy mostly uses lower case letters and misspelled the word, “tacos.” Also “blue rays” has an apostrophe. Not to mention, I don’t know who this guy is but he’s not scoring points with English teachers.

77. For the handsome Game of Thrones fan, this New Orleans woman just might be the girl of your dreams.

Now when she finds her Robb Stark, she probably wouldn’t want to have a Game of Thrones wedding. I mean we all wouldn’t want George R. R. Martin as a wedding planner do we? That’s like asking Quentin Tarantino to plan a child’s birthday party. Nevertheless, at least she didn’t request Ned Stark who only lasts one season on the HBO show.

78. Even homeless guys might want to look for love some time, sort of.

Of course, this guy isn’t really homeless, he just pretends to be one to get girls. Why he does it, I have no idea. Not to mention, I bet he got the name, “Bubbles” from The Wire.

79. Trailer man seeks woman just so he can pay the bills.

Actually, he’s only seeking a “girlfriend” because he can’t seek a guy to move in with him. Also seems to want a woman who just minds her own business but she can’t have a cat. Of course, I’m not sure what to think of his sexual preference or financial situation.

80. Web slinging Spiderman seeks bondage buddy, but not in a gay way, please.

I don’t know about you but it seems to me that Spidey might be trapped in the closet. And I thought he and Mary Jane were getting along fine. Guess not.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on February 9, 2015

Since I posted my last vintage Valentines post last year in January, it’s become one of my most popular blog posts ever with 1,517 views and over 40 shares on Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. I especially get a lot of views for this post around Valentine’s Day for obvious reasons. Well, for those who loved my last bunch of vintage Valentines, there’s a lot more where that came from. Whether they be racist, sexist, offensive, or somewhat carry unfortunate implications. Many of these vintage greeting cards may make you wonder why people would send these to each other or even their sweethearts. Sometimes they make you wish you can send them to your classmates while in elementary school. Some might have seen as a good idea at the time to the designer but seem to carry unfortunate implications by today’s standards. So without further adieu, here are some more of the wonderful vintage Valentines from yesterday.

1. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a fly telling you to stick around or catch on.

Or from the fly’s perspective, “Fly on this tape you’ll be stuck on forever and die.” How romantic!

2. Of course, there’s nothing more romantic place on Valentine’s Day than a butcher shop.

Now I’m not sure if I’m creeped out by the dead chickens or the the boy with a cleaver. And I’m not sure if “I’d like to meat you, valentine,” is a cute message or a way to tell them you’re a cannibal.

3. Say that you’ll never be false to your valentine by sending them a card with a set of dentures.

Sure you want to assure your sweetheart you’ll never be false to them. But is a card with false teeth on it a good idea? Seriously, that’s disgusting.

4. For Valentine’s Day assure that your heart only pants for only them by sending them a valentine with bloomers.

Now I think this might be a British valentine, because over there, “pants” means underwear. And bloomers were used as ladies underwear back in the later Victorian era, which is like sending a valentine with panties on it today. Seriously, what was the designer thinking?

5. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a cat telling you that she’ll be your sweetie pie if you make the dough.

Of course, this one seems quite sexist by our standards. Yet, remember that lady cat housewives are also known to make strawberry tarts which may have 6 rats in it. So she has her work cut out for her.

6. Of course, there’s nothing like a valentine from a sweetheart saying that he’s not being exclusive.

Now if I received a card like this from my boyfriend, I’d be furious and move on to the next guy. Seriously, this guy goes with blondes on Monday and Friday, a showgirl on Tuesday, a maid on Wednesday, and a schoolgirl on Thursday. Dump this man who sent this to you.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a card depicting an adorable rendering of every parents’ worst nightmare.

Seriously, this is a child for God’s sake! And he has a gun! Seriously, small children and guns should at least stay the hell away from each other! Such image is a tragedy waiting to happen. If your valentine has children (whether yours or not), avoid such imagery like the plague.

8. Of course, you can’t say “I love you” without saying how you’d go for them in a big way.

Of course, I’m not sure if I’d want a guy saying he’s in the market for a valentine and wants to go for me in a big weigh while he’s seen with a cleaver and a dead chicken on the scales. Seriously, the butcher metaphors are better suited for Halloween.

9. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than having a boy seize a girl’s eyes and mouth from behind.

This could turn into an emergency situation very quickly if the kid isn’t careful enough.

10. Happy Valentine’s Day from Popeye the Sailor Man.

Okay, that’s a terrible rendition of Popeye and apparently someone at Hallmark really didn’t know how to draw. Either that, or King Features Syndicate threatened to sue for copyright infringement for good reason. Also the girl is totally not Olive Oyl by any means.

11. Nothing says you need to thaw out like a Valentine depicting a girl in the refrigerator.

Of course, this has a tendency for this girl to be frozen like Han Solo. Still, it would’ve been more appropriate with a freezer and much more disturbing, too.

12. When searching for a girlfriend, it’s best that you go dressed in a matching checkered deer stalker cap and tweed with orange as well as a deer hunting rifle. Seriously, for some men, finding a girlfriend is like deer hunting.

Apparently, this card’s designer hasn’t read “The Most Dangerous Game.” It’s about a guy being stranded on an island inhabited by a wealthy Russian madman who likes to hunt humans for fun and exactly what this valentine reminds me of.

13. Of course, what better valentine to send your sweetheart than one depicting kids on the playground.

Is it just me or does this valentine’s message seem apparently dirty? I don’t know but I have a feeling, “mount” doesn’t really mean going on the playground horsey on this valentine.

14. Of course, nothing can be more adorable on Valentine’s Day than a cute angel building a snowman.

What I don’t get about this is why this little cherub has a winter hat and scarf and not much else, but a diaper. Seriously, if your hat and neck feel cold, so does the rest of you.

15. Happy Valentine’s Day by some person of indeterminate gender and his or her cat/dog hybrid pet in the dog house.

Now what I don’t understand is the message, “Sweetheart dear, I’m in a trance, so wipe your pen upon my-” oh, now I get it. This was meant for a guy, wasn’t it? It’s even dirtier if you or your valentine’s British since “pants” means what you wear under your trousers.

16. Happy Valentine’s Day from flapper fish but don’t ask me how she uses her fins.

Seriously, how is she able to smoke? I mean fish can’t breathe outside water and fire can’t survive in water. So how’s that possible? Then again, they manage to light fires underwater on Spongebob Squarepants so don’t ask me.

17. There’s no better occasion than Valentine’s Day to tell your loved one how much you hate Asian people and that you can’t keep it in your pants.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I'm being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

Talk about offensive Asian and demeaning naval stereotypes. Seems like Asian sailors get the worst since this screams racism. Still, if you send this to your Asian girlfriend, then expect her to take you down with her karate chopping fists of fury. Oh, shit, now I’m being stereotypical. Still, such valentines will make Asian ladies dump their boyfriends in the most furious way possible.

18. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than offensively mocking Native Americans with demeaning stereotypes.

Now this is the kind of valentine I think Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder would send to his Native American critics who want him to change the team’s name like most Americans do. Seriously, Redskins, please change your name. It’s offensive like this Valentine of these kids thinking that Indians practice human sacrifice.

19. A valentine depicting a beaver carving a heart. Don’t see what can go wrong with that?

Of course, anyone who’s over a certain age knows what “beaver” also pertain to. It’s even dirtier if you imagine that both sender and recipient are lesbians. This is pushing it to vulgar territory if you ask me.

20. Of course, there’s nothing like some hotdogs on the fire during Valentine’s Day.

Hmm, seems like this one is having his or her own sausage grilling itself for a change. Never mind the evil maniacal look on that hotdog’s face.

21. Nothing makes a more romantic valentine than one of a pirate threatening to kidnap you.

Okay, the pirate is all right. But the message makes the sender seem like a complete psycho. Seriously, I wonder how many received this valentine and called the cops over it. Seriously, abduction for love is a thing and it’s not pretty.

22. Be my valentine or this means war.

Now the little kid with the battle gear is fine. Yet, the message basically elicits an offer they can’t refuse or a possible violent threat, which isn’t okay in the least. What’s wrong with, “I’ll be your knight in shining armor, valentine?” Whoever thought the message was cute ought to have their head examined.

23. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a valentine of a lonely dog about to shoot himself.

Seriously, whose fucked up idea was this? “Be my valentine or I’m going to shoot myself?” If you receive this, you might want to call the Suicidal Hotline for the sender.

24. Be my valentine or I’ll murder you, burn your body, and put your ashes in the trash can.

It's not what's in the trash can, it's who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can gives you a clue.

It’s not what’s in the trash can, it’s who. Of course, this explains why so many local girls have mysteriously vanished recently if the trash can of ashes gives you a clue.

25. Happy Valentine’s Day from Ronald McDonald.

Is it just me or does Ronald McDonald seem a bit creepy to you? I mean he’s always quite creepy being a clown, but here he seems like he’s about to haunt your dreams. Hope you love therapy.

26. Give me a kiss and I won’t bite your head off.

Of course, this doesn’t help that the wolf looks as if it’s ready for a meal with its tongue hanging out. It’s pretty terrifying if you ask me.

27. Aw, a cat licking some little kid clean, what can possibly go wrong with that?

By the look in its eyes, this cat seems less likely expressing sincere love than perhaps licking this little child clean for dinner if you ask me. Seriously, this cat is so terrifying to say the least.

28. This sailor has a cannon only loaded with love for you, valentine.

Of course, I think the illustrator didn’t recognize that the cannon is placed between the boy’s legs. This sort of makes the “loaded only with love for you, valentine” have a whole new dirty meaning.

29. Happy Valentine’s Day and I’ll ski into your heart whether you like it or not.

Seriously, this girl looks as if she’s gone utterly insane. I mean just look at her eyes. That’s not cute, it’s scary.

30. Be my valentine or I’ll send my duck billed crocodile after you.

Doesn’t help that the girl is up a cactus, though I don’t know why that would in the same habitat with crocodiles, I don’t have the slightest idea. Also, the croc doesn’t look so good.

31. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than two hot dogs in love.

Okay, hotdogs from the looks of it. And no, I don’t want to know what’s more. Seriously, this valentine’s designer must’ve been high as shit when he or she came up with this idea.

32. Happy Valentine’s Day from psycho pig.

You kill his family into pork, sausage, and bacon and he’ll make sure you’re as good as dead. Yes, this porker has a score to settle by the look of his eyes filled with rage.

33. Don’t be a dummy and be my valentine.

I know he has a ventriloquist speak through him, but this dummy just scares me for some reason. Also, is dressed like a gangster minus the top hat.

34. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than a crazy mouse caught in a trap.

I don’t know what disturbs me more: having a valentine with a mouse with his leg caught in a trap or that the mouse seems to have gone to his happy place a long time ago. Seriously, why the hell does this card exist?

35. Be my valentine and let’s be cuffed together for all eternity.

What’s this? Our grandparents’ BDSM? Because those BDSM people are probably the only ones who find the idea of being handcuffed quite kinky to say the least. Seriously, why?

36. Be my valentine or I’ll blow my top if you say no. And you wouldn’t like it when I’m angry.

Now the imagery is cute but the message, I’m not sure. Still, if you mess with these children, you are going to get it from the looks in their eyes. Yes, they don’t seem like they’re up to any good.

37. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than cruelty to animals.

We all can agree that grabbing a cat by the tail is animal abuse and I’m sure the cat’s not liking it. Still, this girl is like, “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Giggle, giggle.

38. Be my valentine and I won’t be the fish that got away.

And that, kids, is how mermaids are made. Let’s hope this fish isn’t out of the tub too long before he suffocates.

39. Valentine, you are the apple of my eye.

Let’s hope this Bobby just hits the apple or else, little Elsie might need to be rushed to the emergency room after this. Still, kids, don’t ever try this at home. Seriously, shooting arrows over other people’s heads is a really dumb thing to do and very dangerous. Dumber still is having an apple on your head for people to shoot arrows at.

40. Valentine, even if you’d toss my love aside like Bluebeard, I’d still want you.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it's not like he just leaves them.

For one, Bluebeard is a character from medieval European legend not some turbaned scimitar wielding guy from the Middle East with some ill intent on his face. Secondly, Bluebeard murdered the women he tossed aside as the legend entails. So it’s not like he just leaves them.

41. Must I hammer it in until you be my valentine?

I don’t know about you but, isn’t hammering it in kind of forcing it on somebody? I’m just saying.

42. Happy Valentine’s Day from the guy in your drink.

Now while this actually is supposed to be a tropical drink with ice, it’s pretty freaky if you ask me. Also, I wonder if the boy was shrunk to fit in the glass or it’s just a very big glass to begin with.

43. When it comes to the chase, some give up, some persist before they get the hint or restraining, and some keep trying beyond the grave.

Billy may be dead but he’s still determined to win Karen’s heart even if he has to do it beyond the grave. She hasn’t had a good night sleep since.

44. Surrender and be my prisoner er-I mean valentine. That’s it.

Of course, this would’ve been quite different if she didn’t come out of the bushes. Also, the guy better watch where he puts that bayonet or his gun on that matter.

45. Happy Valentine’s Day from your neighborhood 1950s diner that hires the ugly people.

Basically this is Miss Frizzle before she had the magic school bus. Of course, she went through a very awkward phase in high school and really didn't go out much with boys for obvious reasons.

Basically this is Lady Elaine back when she was working at the neighborhood of Make Believe diner and malt shop during the 1950s before it went out of business. Yes, she was going through a very awkward phase in high school.

46. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than some hot condiment on hotdog action. This time, it’s the pickle jar’s turn.

Yeah, seems like the hotdog is really turned on by how the dill pickle jar is holding the knife to put some pickles on it. Seems like BDSM even extends to the world of food, oh, my.

47. You’re unusual, valentine, like the bearded lady.

If I received a valentine that said I was unique like a bearded lady, I wouldn’t be happy at all. I mean if you’re a woman, being compared to a bearded lady is like saying “you’re ugly.”

48. Happy Valentine’s Day from your generic horror movie monster whatever it is.

Hey, wolf dude, save all the creepy scary stuff for October 31st. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t your holiday.

49. Be my valentine, sunshine, or I’ll kill you.

Seems like flappers were a very aggressive bunch in the 1920s. Then again, this was probably how a moll wannabe gets her gangster. Still, don’t mess with this dame here.

50. Your eyes are brown like the harsh tobacco I inhale through too packs a day, which kills 1/3 of its users each year and is slowly killing me.

Basically this guy is telling his girlfriend that she’s like a pack of cigarettes. Because he knows she’s bad for him and thinks every moment he spends with her is slowly killing him from the inside yet he can’t seem to quit her. And if he’s with her long enough he’ll spend his last days slowly dying of cancer in the hospital if the heart attack doesn’t kill him first.

Fun with Action Figures

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 30, 2015

Let’s get one thing straight. Action figures are basically dolls, no matter how you look at it. Sure you may not treat them like a baby doll but c’mon, the inspiration for G. I. Joe was Barbie. Not to mention, they can sometimes have hair and removable clothes as well as have moveable parts. But unlike most of the traditional dolls you think of, they’re mainly for boys (but could be for either sex) usually consisting of superheroes and popular characters from their Saturday morning cartoons. I know franchises love selling action figures since it gives them lots of money in more ways than ticket or DVD sales. Merchandising popular media was partly the reason why Disney has become the conglomerate it has.Of course, we all had them at one time in our childhood or another. Nevertheless, while some of these figures I’ll show might be remnants from your childhood, others go on the unconventional of what many would see what an action figure could be. And some of them will tend to make you question their very existence. So without further adieu, here are some wonderful and not so wonderful action figurines you might want to see.

1. From the Six Million Dollar Man, we have the Bionic Bigfoot.

You can press Bionic Bigfoot’s crotch to reveal his insides. Nevertheless, this basically the closest thing you’ll find to a Sasquatch Beast than anything you’d see on The History Channel.

2. Sail the high seas robbing merchant ships with the notorious Bristol born pirate Captain Blackbeard.

Of course, he comes with multiple guns and a big ass 17th century sword. Nevertheless, unlike the real Blackbeard, he doesn't set fire to his beard or shoot members of his crew (allegedly). Also, though not a nice man, his cruelty might be exaggerated for publicity's sake.

Of course, he comes with multiple guns and a big ass 17th century sword. Nevertheless, unlike the real Blackbeard, he doesn’t set fire to his beard, contract STDs, or shoot members of his crew (allegedly). Also, though not a nice man, his cruelty might be exaggerated for publicity’s sake.

3. Give your son a male nurse action figure to encourage him in the nursing profession.

Comes with his own stethoscope and X-Ray. Nevertheless, even if a boy does have aspirations of being a male nurse, I highly doubt he’d want this action figure. Seriously, I applaud for trying to bring down gender stereotypes but boys will still find this one lame.

4. Introduce your kids to the first and world’s greatest escape artist, the one and only Harry Houdini.

Comes with his own chair, handcuffs, straitjacket, rope, and leg irons. Of course, the only thing that he can’t escape is a burst appendix in 1926. Then again, he basically inspired such “magicians” as David Blaine and Criss Angel.

5. As far as writer action figures go, nobody could beat the wit and witticisms of Oscar Wilde.

Of course, he will kick anyone who’d mess with him with his pimp cane while dressed in his flamboyant Victorian outfit. Nevertheless, his witticisms won’t protect him in the 1890s when he’s outed and imprisoned for homosexuality.

6. As Johann Sebastian Bach said, “If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

Sure he comes with his own seat. Yet, most of the time you’ll find him at church all day as the organist which means he has to sweep the floors, instruct the choir, and compose a new cantata by Sunday. All while supporting a family that would have 10 out 20 children survive to adulthood. Yet, he won’t get any recognition of his music until Felix Mendelssohn discovered him in the 1800s.

7. Recreate the world of Prohibition and the 1920s underworld with gangster Lt. Commander Data?

Seriously, why have an android in a 1920s gangster outfit with his own gun, glass, booze bottle, and typewriter? Did Next Generation have a 1920s Prohibition episode? I mean at least 1920s action figures of Kirk and Spock would make more sense.

8. Under the cover of night, medieval archer Batman lurks in the forests outside ye olde Gotham City.

From io9: “If modern Batman refuses to use firearms, shouldn’t medieval Batman refuse to resort to archery? Just saying.” Yeah, I guess this person has a point. Nevertheless, he does have a big ass longbow. Still, wonder why they don’t have Batman as a medieval knight. I mean wouldn’t it make more sense to have him be one instead of one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men?

9. Kick ass in medieval and Warring States Japan with this Samurai Batman,

From Amazon: “The legendary figure of Batman existed in ancient Japan as Samurai Batman, a brave and strong warrior who pitted his skills against the evil warlords, or “daimyo”. Armed with his powerful, slashing “no-dachi” sword and protected by a customized samurai armor costume, Samurai Batman swept across the countryside, cutting down villainy and protecting villages at every turn. On the battlefield, Samurai Batman could always be identified by his “hata-jirushi” banner which streamed behind him in every conflict, striking fear into the hearts of his opponents. Samurai Batman’s glittering new metallic costume dazzles his opponents, allowing him precious seconds to strike!” Really, protecting villages? I mean samurai were the daimyo’s vassals. Still, I think “Ninja Batman” would make more sense since most Japanese ninjas were samurai anyway.

10. For those who love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and westerns, you will love this Bandito Michelangelo.

This is sort of a cross between TNMT and The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. And I can see Bandito Mike say, “Badges, to god-damned hell with badges! We have no badges. In fact, we don’t need badges, cowabunga, dude!”

11. Compose your own 5th Symphony with an action figure of Ludwig van Beethoven.

This would’ve been a perfect toy for Schroeder from Peanuts since he’s a big Beethoven fan. Still, he’s basically the quintessential great composer known for going deaf, having messy digs and poor hygiene, violent mood swings, and a possible death from lead poisoning. Ear trumpets not included.

12. These sports playing Spiderman action figures will do well with any boy on your list.

For one, Spiderman is supposed to be Peter Parker who is better known for getting bullied by jocks than actually be one. Secondly, if Spiderman played sports, he’d do it as Peter Parker without the suit on in the first place. Also, I’m sure radioactive spider venom is an illegal performance enhancing substance. Seriously, why do these figures even exist?

13. Free the Hebrews of Egypt and let your people go with this action figure of Moses.

Comes with Ten Commandments and staff. Staff doesn’t change into snake nor does it part the Red Sea. Yet, don’t put him near any Golden Calves. Also, has a very nasty temper.

14. There’s never a problem that can be solved with Nancy Pearl Deluxe Librarian Action Figure.

Comes with her own computer, desk, and book collection. Of course, you must keep quiet around her at all times since people are trying to read at the library, you know.

Comes with her own computer, book cart, and book collection. Of course, you must keep quiet around her at all times since people are trying to read at the library, you know.

15. Make sure your action figures have their needs met with this school lunch lady action figure.

Comes with lunch counter, scoop, food tray and 9 lunch stickers that includes fish sticks and jello. Yet, keep in mind that she possesses a secret superpower called, “mystery meat.”

16. No one can ever cross the wretched lair of the crazy cat lady.

This animal hoarder comes with 6 different kind of cats besides the one on her neck. Of course, it’s unknown whether they’re fixed or breeding into the feral population. Yet, expect to see her on the evening news when she gets arrested for animal cruelty.

17. For the aspiring business major in college, an action figure of marketing guru Seth Godin makes a great gift.

Comes with a self-help book and mismatched socks. Of course, he’s a real guy who’s actually wrote a bunch of books and has a blog as well as a website called Squidoo. So yes, he’s real.

18. Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead with this dead collector action figure.

Comes with his triangle and wooden club. Death cart not included. Courtesy of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Want this.

19. Protect your castle with this Rude Frenchman action figure from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Yes, they have a French Taunter action figure, too! Sure nothing would make it any better than to have it say things like, “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

20. Show your kids the true value of Jesus’ message with this Camo Jesus “I Am Peace” action figure.

Comes with his own battle gear, soldier helmet, machine gun, dove, and golden crown of thorns. Okay, you know Jesus came to this world to advocate peace, right? So why is he full decked in camo and battle gear? I mean you don’t wear all that for dove hunting.

21. Be all dressed to pick up chicks at your fancy dress masquerade with this Casanova action figure.

Comes with his own pull away mask that he could put on in his tireless pursuit of adventure. From Amazon: “Giovanni Giacomo Casanova was a soldier, an author, a spy, a gambler and a librarian. But all of those things pale in comparison to his reputation as a lover. His memoirs contain detailed accounts of his intimate relations with over 100 women!” Unfortunately, sexual conquests and memoirs not included. Yet, I’d rather have this guy than Christian Grey or Edward Cullen despite the possibility Casanova may have STDs.

22. Bring in the Spirit of the French Revolution with this action figure of the Austrian born French Queen Marie Antoinette.

Comes with a removable dress, removable wig, and removable head. Of course, though a subject of great controversy with her extravagant lifestyle (though not the only one to blame), she was more of a scapegoat since she knew nothing of her incompetent husband’s policy. All the bad stuff said about her was just all French Revolution Era propaganda.

23. Travel down on the farm with Farmer Donatello and his wife-beater wearing crow on his tractor.

Comes with a scythe, pick, tractor, and wife-beater wearing crow. Still, why does Donatello have a corn cob pipe in his mouth? Aren’t cartoon superheroes supposed to set a good example? Still, this is pretty lame.

24. Travel back in the Stone Age ring with this Rocky II caveman action figure.

Comes in a saber tooth tiger outfit equipped with his own club. Of course, when you think about it, Stallone really can be a convincing Cro Magnon but that’s all I can say about his acting range.

25. Have an Hawaiian adventure with “Chuckles” G. I. Joe.

Or as I call it, “G. I. Joe attending a Jimmy Buffet concert.” Yes, soon he’ll be wasting away again in Margaritaville. And possibly the only adventure he’ll go on is searching for his lost shaker of salt.

26. Join Batman in defeating the Penguin’s henchmen consisting of Commando Penguins.

So there you go kids, the Penguin’s henchmen are actually real penguins with little penguin weapons they could use. Well, until they have to back to their breeding grounds and pass eggs to each other. Of course, Cracked may have it right saying, “There’s no way enough of these toys sold to offset the cost of the liquor it took to design them.”

27. Go undercover with Ravishing Reporter April O’Neil in the seedy underworld of prostitution, which is an adventure that doesn’t include the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Comes with dagger and detachable skirt. Purpose mostly is for basically to fuel adolescent fantasies. Still, there's no doubt that April's supposed to be of the oldest profession here but seriously, sex trafficking isn't an appropriate subject for a Saturday morning cartoon.

Comes with dagger, video camera, makeup brush battle bro, katana blade curling iron, lipstick nunchucku, and detachable skirt. Purpose mostly is for basically to fuel adolescent fantasies. Still, there’s no doubt that April’s supposed to be of the oldest profession here but seriously, sex trafficking isn’t an appropriate subject for a Saturday morning cartoon.

28. Paint your masterpiece with the help of this action figure of the tortured artist Vincent van Gogh.

Comes with an easel, 4 paintings, a frame, pallet, paintbrush, and 2 detachable heads. One of the normal van Gogh and one after he cut off part of his ear. May suffer from malnutrition, violent mood swings, money problems, and suicidal tendencies. Available until he gets shot in an open field.

29. If you bring your loved one a shrubbery, perhaps a Knight of Ni action figure would do nicely.

Comes with antler helmet, fur outfit, and herring. Shrubbery not included. Still, those who hear the Knights Who Say Ni seldom live to tell the tale! I mean they’re keepers of the sacred words Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom! Still, if they try forcing you to cut down a tree with a herring, try saying “it.”

30. No Catholic boy who’s had his First Holy Communion should go without an action figure of His Holiness himself.

Comes with a holy cross kali stick, a Walther PPK handgun, and wearing a Vatican assault uniform? Jesus Christ, why the fuck does this exist? Seriously, the Holy Pontiff doesn’t even have all that stuff! Still, I’d love to sent one of these to Pope Francis to see what he thinks. Probably would give the holy facepalm. I mean this goes against everything the Holy Office stands for.

31. For the psychology major in your life, why don’t you give them an action figure of Dr. Sigmund Freud?

Comes with cigar, couch not included. Also, said to talk saying, “Tell me about your mother.” Amazon states, “Put him on your desk or nightstand to inspire you to explore the depths of your unconscious and embrace the symbolism of your dreams. ” Creepy. Also said to be very into cocaine.

32. If you love Richard Wagner’s Ring Cycle operas, then you’ll love this Wagner action figure.

Comes with baton, an ego the size of Germany, and rampant antisemitism. Nevertheless, don’t make his fandom among the Nazis discourage you. Still, you can hear his music in a famed Bugs Bunny cartoon.

33. For you girls who enjoy literature from the British Regency, here’s your own one of a kind Jane Austen action figure.

Comes with book, writing desk, and quill pen. Mr. Darcy and Lizzy Bennett not included. Also available in pink. Nevertheless, if you think Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was controversial, you should’ve seen the British establishment in the early 19th century when she came on the literary scene. I mean they thought the idea of a female novelist was an outrage.

34. Revisit all the very bad stuff about Victorian England with this one of a kind action figure of Charles Dickens.

Comes with his very own quill pen. Oliver Twist, Tiny Tim, Little Nell, Wackford Squeers, Sidney Carton, Uriah Heep, Miss Havisham, Little Dorrit, and Ebenezer Scrooge not included. Also, has a bunch of kids and leaves his wife for some actress. The jerk.

35. Relive the vibrant culture of Renaissance Florence under the Medicis with this action figure of Renaissance man Leonardo da Vinci.

Comes with paintbrush, 4 paintings, frame, and easel. Last Supper, sketches, and inventions not included. Moves to France later in life. Not to mention, is gay and left-handed. Also was never involved in secret organization that believed Jesus had a child with Mary Magdalene (sorry, Dan Brown).

36. Discover the true meaning of the Gospel with Deluxe Miracle Jesus action figure.

Comes with 2 loves of fishes, 5 loaves of bread, and a water jug that changes water into wine (not really). Cross and 12 apostles not included. Nevertheless, this is actually one of the better Jesus action figures I’ve seen so far.

37. Now you can be part of the serial killing action with these Dexter dolls.

The left one is Dexter Kill Suit which comes with apron, scrubs, hand saw, and welder's mask. The right Bif Bang Pow! Dexter comes with a blood slide, knife, and trash bag. Plastic wrap, victim, and other kill room accessories not included.

The left one is Dexter Kill Suit which comes with apron, scrubs, hand saw, and welder’s mask. The right Dexter comes with a blood slide, knife, and trash bag. Plastic wrap, victim, and other kill room accessories not included.

38. Relive the 8th to 11th century Europe as a seafaring Scandinavian raider with this Dog Soldiers Viking action figure.

Comes with shield, sword, axe, dagger, and spear. Nevertheless, unlike what you’d see in popular media representations like on sports team logos and Wagner operas, this is more or less what Vikings actually looked like. Seriously, they didn’t wear horned helmets in battle.

39. Enjoy your favorite scary stories from high school English class with this one of a kind action figure of Edgar Allan Poe.

Comes with his own raven that may or may not say “Nevermore.” Still, while best known for his tales of mystery and the macabre within American Romantic literature, was also said to invent the detective story. Available until found dead on a street in Baltimore in 1849.

40. This Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart action figure is bound to kick ass faster than you can say, “Eine Kleine Nacht Musik.”

Comes with his own piano stool. Prone to play pranks and compose great operas and concertos. Loves fart jokes and bathroom humor. Available until 1791 when he succumbs to a long illness while composing the Requiem Mass at 35.

41. Help your child come out of the closet with Gay Bob.

From Top Tenz: “From his platinum blond hair, tight jeans, plaid shirt, and the whole closet theme, who wouldn’t want this doll? I just love the plethora of stereotypes. Even the way he is positioned is just, perfect. Oh and the best part, it’s made for everyone. Imagine getting this as a present. Boy, the conversations that would go down then.” Yeah, I wonder how a kid would react getting this for a birthday present.

42. Sword fighting has never been so much fun than with this Black Knight action figure from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Comes with his own sword and removable limbs. Still, even as he’s dismembered will still think losing a limb is just a scratch or flesh wound and will still keep fighting. None shall pass, indeed. Of course, at the end tends to say, “Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!”

43. Have your kid live the high times of the Third Reich with this Adolf Hitler action figure.

Comes with his own hat, Nazi podium, and speakers. Nazis and death camp not included. Still, I would never recommend anyone to get this guy since, well, you know he started WWII and orchestrated the Holocaust. Yet, it just amazes me that there’s even a Hitler action figure available. Seriously, why?

44. Have your son experience the swell service of where Dad held his bachelor party with his very own Hooters girl action figure.

Comes with her own serving dish. Still, I’m certainly not making this up. Yet, even I am baffled as to why such toy exists. Seriously, it’s like having a female action figures consisting of strippers and prostitutes. I mean, why?

45. Defend American freedom for God and Country with “Enduring Freedom” Jesus.

Comes with his own rocket launcher and ammo as well as canteen, belt, knife, and desert camo. Seriously, what the fuck? In no way can I see the Prince of Peace blowing up guys in the Middle East with his rocket launcher. I wonder what kind of nutjob can ever think of such an inappropriate and possibly offensive toy like this. Still, can’t pass this one up.

46. Show your children the meaning of the crucifixion with this crucified Jesus Christ action figure.

Comes with ninja-messiah throwing nails and death-killer cross pumping action over-under shotgun. What the fuck? And they have Jesus nailed to the cross in pants, sandals, and a vest comparable to a 1st century Rambo so he can rise again in 3 days and take revenge on the authorities who crucified him. Seriously, this Jesus figure seems more appropriate for Quentin Tarantino film. Unbelievable. Still, doesn’t this kind of border on the sacrilegious side? Just saying.

47. For all you well dressed Kiss fans out there, these dolls are dressed to kill.

Of course, I’m sure these guys aren’t going to rock n’ roll all night or party every day in these designer outfits. Still, I’d love to see how people would react if they attended a fancy dress party in full concert make up. Perhaps it would be like, “Kiss: Live with the New York Philharmonic.”

48. Explore the meaning of Buddhism and free Tibet with this action figure of the Dalai Lama.

Comes with an A-12 automatic and silencer as well as a self-aiming fire-and-forget laser pistol. What? Okay, now I know Jesus is already ascended into Heaven by now, yet there is still a Dalai Lama around who’s exiled in India. And no, he isn’t known in Buddhism as a “God of a Thousand Arms.” Not to mention, he doesn’t even believe in violence. Still, kind of feel tempted to send him one of these.

49. Recreate your favorite moments from the retro TV show, The Love Boat.

Okay, these consist of Captain Stubing, Vicki, Julie, Gopher, Isaac, and Doc Bricker. Yeah, and they even have a toy ship sold separately that you can put these figures in. Sure it ran for 8 seasons and was very popular. But still, I don’t think a play set tie in would do any favors for the sponsors, especially during the 1980s.

50. Try to get out of being drafted in the Army at the M*A*S*H 4077th with an action figure depicting Corporal Klinger in drag.

Wardrobe not included. Yes, guys, they made an toy of Klinger in drag. Still, it’s actually the most popular toy from the series and goes for a pretty penny on eBay. Yet, imagine getting a toy depicting a guy in pink bloomers and a flower in his hair for your nephew. Yeah, that would be quite traumatic for some parents.

51. Mexican children need not fear, Mexi-Action El Supermano action figure is here.

Comes with his own sombrero. Nevertheless, I have to admit, Superman sure can pull off that Latin lover look from south of the border. Still, I think Mexican kids would rather have a regular Superman action figure than this one. Not to mention, “hombre” is the correct term for “man” in Spanish.

52. Encourage harmful body practices to boys with these Muscle Beach Boys action figures. This one is “Dumbell Dwayne.”

Now really, bodybuilding is just a really terrible thing for any boy to get into. Seriously a lot of those guys take performance enhancing drugs to get in that shape and have an ego spanning a mile wide. Not to mention, they tend to be very aggressive.. Still, Dwayne is what people like my sister call, a "lunk."

Comes with his own weights. Now really, bodybuilding is just a really terrible thing for any boy to get into. Seriously a lot of those guys take performance enhancing drugs to get in that shape and have an ego spanning a mile wide. Not to mention, they tend to be very aggressive.. Still, Dwayne is what people like my sister call, a “lunk.”

53. Celebrate the Christmas season with these action figures from A Christmas Story.

Now this set includes: Ralphie with his Rough Rider BB gun, the Old Man with his Leg Lamp, Flick with his tongue sticking to flag pole, Mom, and Randy. They also have Scut Farkas and Ralphie in a pink bunny suit for those interested.

54. Make your OCD a blast with this Obsessive Compulsive Man.

Includes a surgical mask and a sanitary, hypo-allergenic, moist towlette. Of course, it’s said to inspire you to keep clean by any means necessary. And on the back, there’s a card on “A Day in the Life of an OC Action Figure.” Nevertheless, I’m not sure if this designer really understood OCD or just did his research by watching Monk.

55. For those who wish to relive the glory days of the 2008 election, here’s your very own Sarah Palin action figure.

Now I’m no fan of Sarah Palin at all. I think she’s just scary demagogue of the Radical Right of the Republican Party. Yet, I think Top Tenz can say it best: “The grimace on her face is just creepy, for lack of a better word. It just screams, “You betcha!” There’s no way I’d put this thing in my house. For all those men who find Sarah to be sexy, well…this action figure does her no justice. I guess the short skirts, low-cut shirts, and bare mid-drifts do something, but man, that face, that face.”

56. Show your kid the glory of God the Father Almighty with this bad ass God action figure.

Comes with Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle and hallowed cloak of invulnerability, what? First off, though I believe in God as a Catholic, this action figure certainly doesn’t reflect any of my religious beliefs. Like myself, I believe God has no desire for an AK-47, has no want of an AK-47, and has no need of an AK-47. Besides, He’s basically invulnerable, all-powerful, and ever-living so why he’s equipped with an invulnerable cloak and AK-47 is just plain ridiculous.

57. Go on your own Grail quest with this action figure of Tim the Enchanter from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Comes with his own staff and accessories. Magic powers not available. However, please keep him away from fluffy white rabbits and heed the words when he says, “Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it… and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie *strewn* about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth…”

58. Venture Camelot and seek the Holy Grail with these action figures of King Arthur and his knights from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Now this consists of Arthur, King of the Britons, Sir Bedevere the Wise and Flatulent, Sir Lancelot the Homicidally Brave, Sir Galahad the Not-So-Pure, and Sir Robin the Not-So-Brave as Sir Lancelot. Each come with their own weapons. Coconut banging squires sold separately. Horses. scales, duck, and minstrels not included.

59. See what it takes to be a real mom with this Super Mom action figure.

Comes with baby, cell phone, purse, groceries, high heels, sneakers, curler and regular heads, and a long to do list. Absentee workaholic dad, older children, and Xanax not included.

60. Seek the ultimate Nirvana enlightenment with this kick ass Buddha action figure.

Comes with fighting staff Magnum 66 Automatic and invincible holy orange cape. Seriously, wasn’t the Buddha known for peace and seeking enlightenment? So why the hell does he have an automatic weapon on him? Looks like Christianity isn’t the only religion badly portrayed in action figures.

61. Go on all kinds of early American adventures with this Benjamin Franklin action figure.

Comes with kite. Printing press, newspaper, Poor Richard’s Almanac, inventions, and French whores not included. From Amazon: “Benjamin Franklin did a lot more than fly a kite on his way to becoming one of the most intelligent men in history. At various times throughout his life he was a writer, diplomat, businessman, musician, inventor, scientist, politician, humorist, printer, postmaster, philosopher, and statesman. His many accomplishments include inventing swimming fins and bifocals, establishing the University of Pennsylvania, publishing the Poor Richard’s Almanac and signing the Declaration of Independence as a founding father of the United States.”

62. All the world’s a stage with an action figure of William Shakespeare.

Comes with a quill and book of his compiled plays. Globe Theater and all-male acting troupe not included. If you’re a girl, he may not think you’re man enough to play Juliet since women weren’t allowed on the English stage until King Charles II. Available in a ye Olde Elizabethan store near you.

63. Serve up your diner customers with this waitress action figure.

Comes with a serving tray, 2 dishes, tipping chart, explanation of tipping, and list of pet peeves. Hates being shortchanged, sexually harassed, long hours, and her job. Available until she gets a better job that she doesn’t have to work at this God forsaken place.

64. Have a cold one in the Great White North with these Bob and Doug McKenzie action figures.

Both Bob and Doug come with their own chairs as well as cases and bottles of beer. Bob comes with cooler and donuts while Doug comes with camp stove and burgers. Great White North set sold separately.

Both Bob and Doug come with their own chairs as well as cases, cans, and bottles of beer. Bob comes with cooler and donuts while Doug comes with camp stove and burgers. Great White North set sold separately. Talk about accessories inappropriate for children under 21.

65. Discover the joys of chemistry in the illicit methamphetamine underworld of Albuquerque, New Mexico, with these Walter White and Jesse Pinkman action figures from Breaking Bad.

Walt and Jesse each come with gas masks and other accessories depending on season. Meth lab play set might be sold separately. Still, despite being toys, such play sets are made for adults. Nevertheless, some people would want this anyway.

66. Experience the height of the medieval papacy with this formidable Pope Innocent III action figure.

Comes with an intimidating scroll inscribed with Latin text, the power of excommunication, and a removable Pope hat. Sure he wasn’t entirely innocent yet he’ll make all your other action figures line up for confession. Still, you have to admit, he was instrumental in banning clergy from participating in trial by ordeal in 1215 which would eventually help discontinue its use. So Innocent III wasn’t all bad to some extent (this by the standards of medieval pontiffs). Hey, at least he’s not equipped with a Walther PPK handgun!

67. Conquer the Eastern Mediterranean, the Middle East, and parts of South Asia with this Alexander the Great.

Comes with sword, shield, and helmet. Of course, by the time he was 25, he had a resume that included him being King of Macedonia, Pharaoh of Egypt and Great King of Persia. Not to mention, founding a world changing empire that would spread Greek culture further than it’s ever had before. Has a tendency to name cities after himself, engage in large scale battles, being sexually ambiguous while being married to 2-3 different women at the same time, and dying in Babylon at 32.

68. Explore the Theory of Relativity with this action figure of Albert Einstein.

Comes with wild hair like you’d find on a fuzzy troll doll. Available in Germany until the 1930s when his Jewishness forced him to flee to the US where he spent the rest of his life teaching at Princeton. Supports Zionist causes and chases skirts.

69. Experience the original Star Wars Trilogy once more with these action figures of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.

Basically, I hear that most toy critics declared these the Star Wars action figures most likely to traumatize children. Seriously, Luke’s aunt and uncle are literally burnt to a crisp here. And once outside the packaging, you can’t really tell the two apart.

70. Have fun at the circus with this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Crazy Clown Mike.

Comes with balloons and stilt legs. Includes a painted face that is bound to give your children nightmares and send them to a lifetime of therapy. Seriously the TNMT toy designers must’ve been high on something.

71. Experience the most famous teen vampire romance ever with these action figures for Edward and Bella.

Believe me, these action figures are basically full of as much chemistry, passion, facial expressions, and acting ability that is contained in the whole Twilight series altogether. Just ask my sister.

72. Save Gotham City as Slalom Racer Batman on rocket skis.

Uh, Batman, Wiley E. Coyote called. He needs his gear back so he could, well, you know chase the ever elusive Roadrunner. Yeah, I know it will blow up in his face, but Wiley never really listened to reason to begin with. From The Dingleberry: “Batman on bright orange skis and has a matching batsuit that is made to blend in with the snow. If he was trying to blend in with the snow, bright orange skis and poles would completely defeat the purpose. He also apparently is wearing a jetpack. This doesn’t even make sense. If you had a jetpack you wouldn’t need skis, plus the heat from the pack would melt the snow.” Couldn’t say it better myself. Yeah, really terrible winter superhero gear.

73. Soar the skies saving Gotham at night with this Night Glider Batman.

From Topless Robot: “It’s logical enough that Batman would have some sort of flying apparatus, especially one for use at night, but it seems slightly counter intuitive to have that “night glider” be a day glow orange. He looks like a flying traffic cone, and the only people scared of those are driving students.” Yeah, I think Topless Robot certainly hit the nail on the head with that one.

74. Watch out, He-Man, or fall prey to the suffocating odors of Stinkor.

You have to love how the 1980s seemed to think up ideas for cartoon villains. Nevertheless, I don’t think I could say anything better about this toy better than the guy from The Dingleberry: ” The worst thing about this toy was the fact that it stunk. It actually was made to smell like a skunk, it stunk so bad that it made all the toys that I put in the box with it smell like it. It was a little too realistic for my tastes. I also liked how his plastic tank top is covering his nose like he can’t even stand his own smell. He also comes with a handgun and a shield, that is a totally nonsensical combination.” Just think of having to deal with it after it gets hit by a car.

75. Spew the virulent Fox News style venom with your very own androgynous Ann Coulter action figure that makes feminists want to apologize to Barbie.

God, I can’t stand this woman! Seriously, she’s just such a vicious and hate spewing shrill that I can’t understand why she’s so popular enough to have her own Barbie Doll. By the way, I think I owe Barbie an apology. At least she doesn’t spend her time on Fox News hating liberals and any other group that’s not WASP.

76. Travel to the 1980s with your very own action figure from Devo.

Yes, while many bands have action figures of all their members sold separately, Devo just has one body that uses the same heads of all its members. Comes with a whip and funny hat. Seriously, such pack arrangements are pretty crazy.

77. Take down Osama Bin Laden with your very own Seal Team 6 Obama action figure.

Armed with his very own machine gun and dressed up like The Punisher with an intimidating, Seal Team 6 Obama will stop at nothing to rid the world of Osama Bin Laden even if it means mowing down uncooperative Congressional Republicans. Still, I put Obama on here just to balance Palin and Coulter out. Also, the standard Obama came with too many accessories.

78. Look out, He-Man, here comes the Moss Man.

Comes with his own club and speedo. And yes, he’s supposed to be a bacteria grabbing walking carpet as if he was a lovechild between the Incredible Hulk and the Grinch. Also said to have “a real pine scent.” Creepy.

79. Travel on this self-propelled bed with Eglantine Price from Disney’s Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

It’s hard to believe that this doll is supposed to be based on the Angela Lansbury character from that 1972 movie. Bed runs on batteries. Still, kind of shows that even the folks at Disney were tripping on the brown acid a little too much. Nevertheless, I’d love to see the action figure they have for Eleanor Iselin from the Manchurian Candidate.

80. If you liked Transformers as a kid, then I’m sure you’d love your very own Titanic-Bot.

I have no idea why anyone would design this. Seriously, not only does it denigrate a terrible 1912 tragedy made into a Leonardo DiCaprio movie, but it kind of gives kids a false idea of history. I mean would anyone want 9/11 be diverted into a giant robot? How about the Hindenburg? Besides, this screams Dollar Store knock off. Yet I know that Michael Bay would definitely make a movie with Titanic-Bot if he could get away with it.

Impressions and Imitations at the House of Wax

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 29, 2015

The art of wax sculpture has existed longer than we care to know. With roots in European royal funeral practices in the Middle Ages, people have been trying to capture the likenesses of any famous person in a waxwork and place it in a wax museum for the public to see. I know this is an odd tradition but it’s been around since the 1700s from Dr. Philip Curtius’s ‘Moving Wax Works of the Royal Court of England’ that featured 140 life sized wax figures of court notables to Madame Tussaud’s which you can find almost anywhere in the world. Of course, most of these would be life sized, wear real clothes, and sometimes have real hair. Still, there are many normal museums that do use wax figures such as the Heinz History Center in Pittsburgh and others. And some wax museums have a chamber of horrors where some of the most gruesome stuff are displayed such as wax medical models or a surgery conducted during the American Civil War or earlier. Not to mention, there was even a movie called House of Wax in which Vincent Price owns a wax museum before going completely crazy after it burns to the ground. Nevertheless, I can go on and on about the great wax works in these museums but I know you probably wouldn’t want to see that. So instead I’ll show you some of the less impressive wax works that fail to capture the true spirit of the person they’re based on. Thus, for your pleasure here are some wax figures to laugh at to your heart’s content.

1. Harry Potter

He may belong in Griffyndor but he seems more appropriate for Slytherin to me. Seriously, Daniel Radcliffe didn’t seem to have a personality disorder when I saw him in the first Harry Potter movie. And I was 11 years old at the time.

2. Pope Benedict XVI

Well, the former Pope was creepy enough in real life. Seems less like a “Repent and Accept Jesus Christ as Your Savior” than “I’ve come here to eat your brains.” Yes, that’s Benedict XVI as a zombie. Seriously, I’ve never seen a pontiff that looked so terrifying.

3. John Wayne from True Grit

Now I have a passion hatred for John Wayne who's one of my least favorite actors and think he should've never won an Oscar for any of his movies. However, unlike his movie portrayals, this John Wayne actually looks quite intimidating as Rooster Cogburn striking fear in the hearts of fugitives as a spirit back from the dead.

Now I have a passionate hatred for John Wayne who’s one of my least favorite actors and think he should’ve never won an Oscar for any of his movies. However, unlike his movie portrayals, this John Wayne actually looks quite intimidating as Rooster Cogburn striking fear in the hearts of fugitives as a spirit back from the dead.

4. Ronald Reagan

Sure as a liberal I’m not a big fan of Reagan at all. However, even so, I don’t think this wax work seems to capture his warm personality that got a lot of idiots to vote for him. Seriously, he seems like he’s had a few face lifts and a spray tan.

5. Ray Charles

Well, I sure hope Georgia is not on his mind. I mean that does so not look like Ray Charles and I hope he just hit the road and don’t he go back no more, no more, no more, no more. Seriously, he scares me.

6. Cameron Diaz

If Cameron Diaz looked like that in real life I’d be very concerned by how she’s aging so rapidly or whether she’s had some plastic surgery disaster. Seriously, she looks so soulless in this wax incarnation.

7. Napoleon Bonaparte

I don’t know about you but I think he doesn’t seem very comfortable sitting in his chair. Seems like he has hemorrhoids. Oh, wait a minute he actually did at Waterloo, really. That’s why he couldn’t get on his horse and see the battle. Of course, this leads to surrender and exile on Saint Helena.

8. Tom Hanks

This is supposed to be him from Castaway. Looks more like a young Russell Crowe after a drunken bar fight. Seriously, how in the hell can it be Tom Hanks?

9. Don Knotts

Seems like Barney Fife didn’t age too well after serving as Sheriff Andy Taylor’s deputy. Also, what’s with that horrendous outfit?

10. Charlie’s Angels

Of course, I had no idea that Cameron Diaz was suffering from demon possession until I see her soulless and terrifying face. Guess she could afford the best exorcist money can buy.

11. Leonardo DiCaprio

Okay, I remember how he managed to capture women’s hearts in Titanic. Yet, looking at this waxwork I have no idea what so many teenage girls from the 1990s saw in him. However, he seems like he’d make a great villain in a horror movie.

12. Robert Pattinson

More like Edward Norton after botox injections than anything else. Seriously, if Robert Pattinson looks like that in 10 years then I question his lifestyle choices.

13. John F. Kennedy

As not what your country can do for you--ask this wax museum why the 35th president of the United States looks like he's spent too much time in a tanning salon and why his hair looks so unnatural.

And so my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you–ask this wax museum why the 35th president of the United States looks like he’s spent too much time in a tanning salon and why his hair looks so unnatural.

14. John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Despite the bed in protest honeymoon, looks like John and Yoko are already experiencing problems in their relationship. Doesn’t seem like they’re giving peace a chance here. Yoko seems especially angry and giving John the silent treatment.

15. John Lennon

Let’s see unnatural hair color and tan. No wonder John is wearing sunglasses here. Hate to see what his eyes look like under there.

16. Princess Diana of Wales

I don’t know about you but I think this wax statue makes it seem that Princess Diana was a real stuck up bitch during her lifetime. I mean she has such an ugly scowl on her face as if her secretary won’t take her coat off and put it on the mud puddle so she can walk over it without damaging her Prada shoes.

17. Pope John Paul II

Seems like the Roman sunshine doesn’t do any wonders for the already leathery skin on this Polish pontiff. Also, he kind of seems pretty terrifying to me.

18. Eddie “the Eagle” Edwards

Or as I call it, “a really bad rendition of Walter White from Breaking Bad or as if Martin Mull had played him in the 1980s.” I don’t know who the hell this guy is but whoever he is, he sure seems creepy.

19. Ian Botham

Man, David Bowie looks very atrocious in that ascot and V-neck sweater with a shirt collar sticking out. Also seems to be aging really badly and I really think he should lose the mustache. Seriously, his years after Labyrinth haven’t been very good for him.

20. Noel Edmonds

Guess this is an idea of what Mark Ruffalo will soon look like give or take 20 or 30 years. Yeah, doesn’t seem to have any prospects of aging gracefully according to this wax work.

21. Elvis Presley

Perhaps this is what happens to you after you’ve spent too much time taking drugs, lounging in the Las Vegas sunshine, and eating too many peanut butter and banana sandwiches. No wonder this guy was found dead in his bathroom.

22. Jedward

Or as I call it, Whoville’s version of One Direction. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind the Grinch robbing them of their presents around Christmastime for these guys are just plain creepy and probably a real pain in the ass.

23. Benito Mussolini

Hey, I didn’t know that US Speaker of the House John Boehner was a huge fan of Il Duce. Sure doesn’t look too happy as usual but perhaps he might need to explain the Italian Fascist uniform.

24. David Hasselhoff

Man, he must’ve spent way too much time being a lifeguard on Baywatch. Seriously, he bears a closer resemblance to Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy than anyone else in this due to skin color alone.

25. Donald Trump

Now this seems to resemble comedian Louis Anderson after losing a lot of weight than Donald Trump. Nevertheless, this does retain Trump’s iconically bad hairstyle which seems quite tame in this. Still, I really hate Donald Trump just for being an obnoxious jerk and having an enormous ego. You can see why he’s been through 3 wives who only wanted him for his money.

26. Jimmy Carter

And I thought the Reagan and Kennedy wax figures were bad. This one seems to bear no resemblance to the former president who is now in his 90s and looks a hell of a lot better than this idiot who seems to have a few brain cells missing.

27. Tom Cruise

I can imagine a little kid look up at this in its museum and say, "Mommy, why is Steve Jobs flying and not holding an Ipod and why is he so small?"

I can imagine a little kid looking up at this in its museum and say, “Mommy, why is Steve Jobs flying and not holding an Ipod? And why is he short?”

28. Daley Thompson

Probably an obscure Sacha Baron Cohen character who offended the people of India so much that he couldn’t do a movie around him or use him on Da Ali G Show.

29. Michael Barrymore

For God’s sake, what’s the hell with this guy’s humongous head? Seriously, I’ve never seen anyone with a forehead that high. Not to mention, that smile is terrifying.

30. Gazza

Hey, I didn’t know they had a wax rendition of Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner from Keeping Up with the Kardashians. They even nailed his plastic surgery disaster, well, somewhat.

31. Seinfeld

By looking at these terrifying waxworks of Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer, I dread seeing the one depicting George Costanza. That one must be the most horrifying of them all.

32. Sean Connery

Seems like Miami and LA don’t really help Sean Connery’s skin too much do they? Of course, he’d claim, “That’s not what your mother said.” Also that tuxedo is hideous.

33. Cliff Richard

Looks like Bill Clinton’s Attorney General Janet Reno on a bad hair day to me. Seriously, there’s no way that’s a man for what I see.

34. Prince William, Duke of Cambridge

Seems like it’s Prince William as if he’s a lame but very aristocratic vampire who wants to say “Cherrio, old chum,” before he proceeds to suck the life out of you.

35. Adolf Hitler

Seems like Der Furher doesn’t really like spending his weekends on the beach doesn’t he. Guess he kept forgetting to put on his sunblock and kept getting his face burned.

36. Titanic

This waxwork makes the movie’s iconic scene less romantic and much more terrifying. Seriously, Leonardo DiCaprio seems to resemble a psychokiller about to push Kate Winslet off the ship.

37. Lucille Ball

Whatever is in that bottle, I really don’t want to drink it. I suspect this might be poison according the terrifying look on Lucy’s face. Seriously, she looks so creepy in this waxwork.

38. The Beatles

Now I like the Beatles. Yet, these guys bear almost no resemblance to the real thing. In fact, I think these guys basically resemble lifeless zombies after your brains while singing. “All you need is brains,/All you need is brains,/All you need is brains, brains, brains are all you need.”

39. Jennifer Lopez

I don’t know about the butt but her face kind of reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence from The Hunger Games. Yet, smaller and with a really bad makeup job.

40. Justin Bieber

Somehow I can’t help looking at this and see how it resembles my cousin at Penn State, which is really insulting to my cousin who really doesn’t like Justin Bieber, doesn’t have light brown hair, and doesn’t even dress like that.

41. Austin Powers

Looks as if he’s a pervy guy on some kind of 1960s hallucinogenic drugs. Surely not groovy in the least, baby. Makes the fembots seem tame by comparison.

42. Eddie Murphy

Seems less like the comedian who appeared in family films and more like the guy appearing on SNL who wrote a poem on killing his landlord.

43. Meryl Streep

Man, I didn’t know she was nominated for an Oscar for Death Becomes her. I didn’t know that kind of film would even get Academy Award nominations. Not to mention, the hair straightener doesn’t do any favors for her.

44. Lady Gaga

I don’t know if Lady Gaga was Born This Way, but this wax figure doesn’t depict her as aging gracefully, especially since she’s actually only a few years older than I am. Seriously, she doesn’t look 28.

45. Mel Gibson

Okay, now this one makes Mel seem like a really crazed psychokiller on the run to satisfy a hunger for human flesh. Seriously, this one seems to scare me for some reason. And it’s not because he directed Braveheart or The Passion of the Christ.

46. Michelle Obama

Now if the First Lady of the United States looks like this in her wax rendition, either the designer doesn’t like her or she’s really not aging gracefully. Seriously, this incarnation seems rather terrifying to me.

47. Fred Rogers

I know this is from the John Heinz III Historical Center during its American History display. Nevertheless, looking at his waxy soulless face, I’d sure wouldn’t want to be his neighbor.

48. Ronald Reagan

Yes, old President Ronnie seems to have two really creepy waxworks in his image. This seems like it comes straight out of shining. Now please, Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall or else Mr. Reagan will come over to your house and murder you and your family in a bloodbath only comparable to a slasher horror movie.

49. Fatal Attraction

Michael Douglas should be utterly terrified in this scene. Instead, he just seems a little perturbed as if she flushed the toilet while he was taking a shower. Not the kind of face you’d have if a woman you had a fling with killed your daughter’s pet bunny.

50. Rihanna

Seems like Rihanna is in her German barmaid outfit to celebrate Oktoberfest. Nevertheless, I just hope Chris Brown doesn’t turn out at this location if she has a restraining order against him (like she should.)

51. Queen Elizabeth II

Seems that Her Royal Majesty has had some trouble with her hair stylist lately. Not to mention her make up artist doesn’t seem to do her job too well either. Must be going through a Barbara Striesand phase.

52. Luciano Pavarotti

Seems less in the mood for singing opera and more in the mood of eating something crunchy like bones. Still, this is actually kind of terrifying if you ask me.

53. Anne Frank

Of course, I’m sure being subjected to hiding in your dad’s office building during the Holocaust could age you a few years. However, Anne Frank died at 15 and certainly didn’t have the skin composition of someone who’s over 30.

54. Liza Minnelli

From looking at this wax rendition of Liza Minnelli, those unfamiliar with Cabaret may think that she was a character from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seriously, she seems like she wants to kill you after she’s completed her dance routine.

55. Leonardo DaVinci’s Last Supper

Looks like all the apostles seem to peering at some weird mole on either Jesus’s neck or hands while the Roman soldiers are in the back waiting for them to leave. That one on the far left seems as if he wants to go to the bathroom to wash his hands for some reason.

56. Audrey Hepburn

By the look at those sullen big brown eyes, you’d think Holly Golightly might have murder on the mind for George Peppard. Seriously, this wax figure seems to make Audrey Hepburn seem miscast for Breakfast at Tiffany’s on account of being too sinister.

57. Mr. Bean

I wonder if those unfamiliar with Mr. Bean would look at this wax figure and assume he was in the same league with Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger. Perhaps they’d be relieved he’s actually a Rowan Atkinson character who acts like a complete idiot.

58. Tiger Woods

Seems like Tiger’s debacles with his extramarital peccadilloes and divorce proceedings have really aged him as well has hurt his golf game. Seriously, Tiger’s not an old decrepit man yet, folks.

59. Margaret Thatcher

I don’t know about you but it seems that the Iron Lady has developed some sort of terrible skin problem on her face. Also, it’s probably fair to say that she’s had some disastrous plastic surgery as well.

60. Ellen Degeneres

Now I know that Ellen is a comedian and talk show host who’s not supposed to scare me. However, this rendition makes me want to look the hell away from her soulless eyes and her evil smile.

61. The Wizard of Oz

Well, to be fair, The Wizard of Oz has managed to traumatize a lot of kids even without the dark lighting. Nevertheless, I don’t suspect that Dorothy just wants to go home. And I wouldn’t want to be around the Scarecrow or Tinman either.

62. Hugh Jackman

Now you’d think any wax museum could have an impression of Hugh Jackman would be wise to depict him as Wolverine from X-Men. However, this one seems like it depicts an evil Dr. Who in BDSM attire.

63. Michael Jackson

Yes, his majesty the King of Pop during the 1980s does carry a rather sinister demeanor. Of course, I wonder how many people my age could ever imagine that he’s supposed to be Michael Jackson. I’d rather hang out with the zombies from the “Thriller” video than this guy.

64. Rowan Atkinson

Okay, this wax figures in now way, shape, or form resembles Mr. Bean. Seriously, it’s as if this artist had no idea who this guy is or even saw his picture. I mean, we all know that Rowan Atkinson doesn’t at all look like that in real life. Never has.

65. Joan Collins

I know she’s a famous prime time soap star from the 1970s and 1980s Dynasty. However, that make up job makes her seem like she’s either Spock’s sister or related to Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

66. Michael Jordan

How in the hell does this look like Michael Jordan? Seriously, he looked about the same in 1990s as he does now, facial wise. That, my friend, is a basketball playing zombie who just has the same complexion.

67. Richard Nixon

Man, this waxwork of Richard M. Nixon makes him seem like he's a ventriloquist dummy or some creepy character from The Muppet Show. Seriously, that jowl and those eyes are utterly creepy.

Man, this waxwork of Tricky Dick makes him seem like he’s a ventriloquist dummy or some creepy character from The Muppet Show. Seriously, that jowl and those eyes are utterly creepy.

68. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Seems they got the chiseled chest proportions right. However, this basically bears practically no resemblance to Ahnold from Conan the Barbarian. Not to mention, he seems to spend too much time in the sun which is taking a toll on his delicate skin.

69. Jimmy Carter

Good News: Actually looks better than the last Jimmy Carter waxwork I posted on here.
Bad News: Seems to have a real great need for an exorcism. Seriously, he really looks evil.

70. Star Trek

While Spock seems okayish, the once of Kirk and McCoy just seem to be among the men you’d see on Cracked.com’s “Guys That Look Like Old Lesbians” article. Seriously, Kirk’s hair is just too long while McCoy seems like he’s been using way too much of “the Botox.”

71. Jay Leno

Since his retirement (for good) from The Tonight Show, it seems like Jay Leno has had a face lift that has basically stretched his face in a way many people find so unrecognizable. Seriously, his wax figure looks so atrocious.

72. Snoop Dogg

You’d think Snoop would be taking better care of himself now that he has millions of dollars. Yet, this waxwork makes him seem like he’s emaciated for some tasty human flesh. I mean, that face sure don’t look right at all.

73. Will Smith

Okay, this waxwork looks less like a big box office star, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and happily married man and father of 3. And more like the kind of guy who’s either a bouncer at some crime syndicate owned bar from The Wire or the kind of man a lot of white people wouldn’t entrust with their car keys or wallets.

74. Clint Eastwood

Now I’m sure he’s certainly angry. Still, though this is supposed to be Clint from Unforgiven, I don’t think this waxwork resembles him. Yet, the “Get Off My Lawn” message is clear.

75. Johnny Cash

Jesus Christ, I thought Johnny was supposed to turn his life around in the1960s. Seriously, an orange spray tan and unkempt hair seem to suggest otherwise.

76. Marilyn Monroe

No, kids, Marilyn Monroe wasn't a famous actress whose claim to fame was playing sexy vampires. That would be Robert Pattinson. Totally different person.

No, kids, Marilyn Monroe wasn’t a famous actress whose claim to fame was playing sexy blood sucking vampires. That would be Robert Pattinson. Totally different person.

77. Humphrey Bogart

Okay seems like Bogart needs to get off the booze and cigarettes looking like this. Also, I’d stay away from the tanning salons just for good measure. Still, here’s not looking at you, kid.

78. Abraham Lincoln

With his orange spray tan and his sinister gray eyes, it seems that the Great Emancipator has a score to settle. Seriously, this is basically the most evil Lincoln I’ve ever seen and his waxworks are usually not that bad.

79. Sir Elton John

I know he’s supposed to be singing something and I really don’t want to know. Not to mention, the closed eyes and the coke bottle glasses make him seem even more terrifying with his mouth hanging out.

80. Hank Williams Sr.

Looks like the late country music legend Hank Williams is back from the dead as a Satanic puppet that sings his country ballads and has people sell him their souls. Seriously, this wax rendition is just creepy as hell.

Happy Valentine’s Day with These Vintage Ads of Yesterday

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 22, 2015

To be honest, I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s because it’s a holiday centered around romance while I haven’t experienced much of it since most of the guys I had things for didn’t like me back or just have a funny way of showing it that I didn’t quite get which sometimes sent me to suspect the worst (you know who you are). Then again, contrary to what 30 Rock says Saint Valentine’s Day isn’t a Catholic holy day since we’re not sure whether the martyred bishop of love was a real person (not to mention that most Catholic Masses don’t last beyond 45 minutes). Still, with the exception of getting chocolate candy from my parents and flowers, I can basically take or leave it. Still, since sweethearts tend to exchange gifts such as jewelry, flowers, candy, lingerie, or stuffed animals. So there are plenty of opportunities for businesses to advertise their products. Now I can go crazy about the cute vintage Valentine’s ads like the couple sharing the Coke one above. Yet, I realized that would be more taste like diabetes and vomit inducing than the sweetness Valentine’s Day is associated with. Instead, I’ll show ads that don’t make Valentine’s Day such a lovely mid winter holiday for the greatest gift businesses can receive: cold hard cash. So without further adieu, here are some terrible Valentine’s Day ads from your grandparents’ generation.

1. This Valentine’s Day, fellas, give your girlfriend the gift you’ll need to transport with your pick up truck that’ll break your bank.

Of course, this is Shirley Temple as a teenager who could probably afford to get her own hope chest. Seriously, Valentine’s Day isn’t the kind of holiday to buy your loved ones furniture. Not to mention, these pieces of storage used to house an unmarried woman’s dowry during the Middle Ages. Save that kind of present for Christmas or her birthday.

2. Ladies, nothing says Valentine’s Day for your gentleman like a new silk necktie.

Now this is the kind of guy’s gift that says: “I didn’t know what else to give you. But I know you’re a guy and needed to give you something. So here’s what I got you for $60.”

3. This Valentine’s Day cake gives you a way to get in a man’s heart through his stomach.

Sure she may feel a kiss coming on. But her facial expression makes me think whether she’s anticipating for the poison to take effect any minute now.

4. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than Rheingold Extra Dry Beer.

Now I’m sure that beer is an appropriate Valentine’s Day Gift for a guy. Well, better than neck ties. Still, that woman looks a bit wasted in her evening clothes. And I’m not sure the dog is paying attention to her. Besides, booze also has a tendency to make a romantic candlelight dinner into something you might not want to discuss with the kids.

5. Give your loved one a gift they’d be grateful to have this Valentine’s Day, a pre-mortem funeral arrangements.

Man, this funeral is really hurting for customers. Still, this is a pretty insulting ad for men who probably have more an idea of how to arrange their wives’ funerals than knowing what to get them for Valentine’s Day. And when it comes to Valentine’s Day guys have it easy since it’s a girly holiday to begin with.

6. Give your sweetheart Hinds Honey and Almond Cream for this Valentine’s Day as these girls make a lacy Valentine’s Day card for their mother it seems.

That girl looks as if the woman in the valentine is her next kill target and she more like a bitter almond than as sweet as honey. Seriously, she seems utterly terrifying and wants to knock of the woman for her jewelry and clothes.

7. Schrafft’s Chocolates are the candies that lead to a girl’s, uh, I’d like to say heart.

From how the guy’s hands are position, it seems like he’s about to put his hands on her ass as he sets them any lower. Seems like they’re about to get their nasty on to me.

8. Give your sweetheart the Valentine’s Day gift they’ll appreciate, tires.

Uh, aren’t these kids a little young to be in love? Also, I’m sure they aren’t anywhere near the legal driving age in most states. I’m sure the designers were so concentrated on the cuteness. Still, I’d be a bit concerned if I were their parents.

9. Send a valentine to those you love with a card from American Greetings.

I don’t know about you but while the cards are nice, the cartoon cherub in the corner just scares me for some reason. Seriously, he doesn’t make me want to buy any of these cards, even the one with the cat.

10. Guys, when it comes to being the perfect valentine, make sure you’re the Kreml guy on the lower right.

From PopSugar: “The description for “Slicker” seems like it was pulled straight from Sue Sylvester’s Will burn-book: ‘Your dome’s so slick we don’t know whether that’s human hair or patent leather.'” Also, Curly is bald and resembles a guy you’d see from The Sopranos while the Kreml guy seems like he’s a creepy stalker of some woman’s nightmare. Not to mention, Fuzzy seems like he’s put on too much hair spray before going to bed.

11. Give her a valentine that would put stars in her eyes and music in her heart.

Excuse me, does she have stars in her eyes? Or is she really a lifeless fem-bot from the Stepford suburban community? You know the one that killed all those housewives and replaced them with look alike robots who’d do anything to please their husbands? Freaky.

12. Oh, he remembered Valentine’s Day! And he sent me Whtiman’s chocolate.

Of course, we should all remember just because Elizabeth Taylor’s man remembered Valentine’s Day, doesn’t really guarantee she’s going to stay with him. I mean she’s known for marrying 8 times to 7 different men (twice to Richard Burton and one to a guy she met in rehab in the 1990s). Those 7 divorces don’t come cheap.

13. For those in long distance relationships, send them a Valentine’s Day telegram from Western Union.

From PopSugar: “Ending a Valentine’s Day telegram with “guess who” sounds a teensy bit stalkerish.” Yeah, I’d think this girl might want to file a restraining order if she receives enough of them.

14. You’re never too young to give or receive Faroh’s finest chocolates!

Okay, now babies in love is just pushing it. Seriously, what were these designers thinking? This isn’t cute, it’s disturbing. Babies are known for crying, slobbering, and pooping in diapers, not giving each other chocolates! Seriously, why?

15. Aim for the best with Chesterfield cigarettes.

Sure Chesterfields may lead to your sweetheart’s heart. But they’ll make their lungs all filled with tar and cancerous tumors as well as turn their skin yellow and increase their chances for cardiovascular disease. Also, tobacco kills about a third of its users every year.

16. Rheingold Extra Dry Beer: The perfect gift for your man this Valentine’s Day.

“Drink up, honey buns, for I’ve prepared these 3 drinks just for you this special day. Oh, and did I mention, I don’t feel like driving tonight? Don’t forget, that you can’t be seen with a blood-alcohol level of over .08 in most states, sweetie.”

17. For your son this Valentine’s Day, why don’t you pack him a sandwich for school with Mor: a thrifty meat.

Of course, Mary loves Jimmy and she’s very concerned for his well being and his meat sandwich fantasies. I mean we all know that eating processed salted meat isn’t good for the cholesterol in the least. Also, it’s disgusting.

18. Please your valentine with these Manhattani peppermint pajamas.

From Popsugar: “My best guess for this one would have to be: wear comfy PJs on Valentine’s Day because after all that chocolate you’re gonna want something loose.” Also, the man kind of remind me of Mr. Bean for some reason and he seems a bit self-conscious about his weight.

19. Nothing says sex and romance on Valentine’s Day like V-Day pajamas for the whole family!

Now giving your significant other lame Valentine’s Day PJs are one thing. But giving them for the whole family, who the fuck had that crazy idea? I’m sure young Billy would really appreciate getting printed hearts on his PJs for Valentine’s Day. Of course, he’ll probably never wear them again after this picture.

20. Give her the gift of chocolate with Whitman’s candy sampler.

Is it just me or is that a really creepy horror version of Katharine Hepburn eating some chocolate? Of course, she takes a chocolate in her mouth every time before going on her daily homicidal rampage.

21. Heads, you win! Seriously, what does that mean?

Oh, I see. Guys, I don’t think these ladies want chocolates. Rather I think they actually want your head on a platter. Seriously, their soulless eyes know nothing but the sweet taste of man flesh these lady night terrors crave. Yes, they’re literally man eaters and watch out, boys, they’ll chew you up.

22. Nothing satisfies a man this Valentine’s Day than a shirt and tie from Arrow.

Now I know that men are very hard to buy for on Valentine’s Day since is a girly holiday. Still, I’m sure a dress shirt and necktie aren’t gifts men really want to see from their ladies. Seriously, you’re better off getting him a team jersey or Grand Theft Auto.

23. Now what to give a woman? Vacuums or flowers?

Seriously, give her flowers, boys. Sure they’ll wild and need put in the garbage one day. But still, at least she won’t be insulted as if you treated her like the maid giving a vacuum. Seriously, vacuums are terrible presents for women during any occasion. Not to mention, they never give you any peace and quiet while they’re running.

24. “People all over the world (everybody)/Join hands (join)/Start a love train, love train.”

From PopSugar: “Watch out, cuz after that train goes through your heart you’re pretty much dead.” Not to mention, when see that love train going through those 2 hearts, I’m sure that’s not what the O’Jays had in mind when they recorded, “Love Train.”

25. Remember “Remembering Day” and give me chocolate. Or else.

From PopSugar: “If your man doesn’t remember Valentine’s Day with all the holiday advertising madness, he’s either blind or a hermit.” Also, I don’t know about you but this woman seems to give me the creeps as if she seems to have murder on her mind.

26. Give the ladies in your life the gift that’ll last a long time: granny panties.

What’s even crazier is that this mother and daughter are so happy swinging on their little swings you’d find outside on a tree or swing set. Swinging in your underwear: now that doesn’t seem an appropriate activity during the middle of winter. Also funny that these are called, “Lollipops Bubble Duds.”

27. Happy Valentine’s Day from your Jolly Green Giant.

For some reason, receiving a heart shaped box of frozen peas doesn’t seem nearly as romantic as getting a box of chocolate. Seriously, who wants peas for Valentine’s Day for God’s sake? Farmers?

28. Remember, guys, the Whitman master won’t quit at 5 this Valentine’s Day so give your girlfriend chocolate.

Of course, I hope that guy doesn’t work himself out. He looks quite old and seems like he’s pushing it. Seriously, how does this guy get any sleep?

29. Make this Valentine’s Day a sweet occasion with this lovely double decker heart shaped cake.

From PopSugar: “How to feel bloated on Valentine’s Day — so romantic!” Now this cake looks so Pepto Bismol pink that it’s almost making me sick. Seriously, this looks so disgusting that it has diabetes all over it.

30.Nestle chocolate: A great way to a woman’s heart.

It seems that this woman doesn’t just want chocolate which Nestle suggest can sometimes be used as an aphrodisiac. Still, she seems to be hiding an erotic grin under that sumptuous bite sized Nestle bits.

The Wonderful World of the Teddy Bear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 12, 2015

For over a century, the Teddy Bear has been an extremely iconic toy around the world celebrated in song, story, and film. Named after President Teddy Roosevelt due to a 1902 incident in Mississippi which he refused to shoot a black bear tied to a tree, there has barely been any toy that’s enjoyed so much adoration and popularity as this exceedingly cute and cuddly toy. And not only has the toy industry made a lot of money from selling these bears as toys for children, but also collectors and as gifts for so many holidays and occasions to signify love, congratulations, or sympathy. Not to mention, there are even a lot of Teddy Bear museums around the world as well with feature many uniquely clothed Teddy Bears in dioramas. Still, there are many reasons why teddies tend to be so popular such as irresistible cuteness, being suitable for all ages like most cuddly stuffed animals, could be given to both genders, being very customizable, and has been around for so long. Nevertheless, Teddy Bears tend to be very popular gifts around Valentine’s Day even though it’s quite early to be thinking about the holiday though. Yet, we’ve also famous bears like Winnie the Pooh and now Paddington is about to have a movie come out so perhaps doing a teddy post is as good time as ever. However, you won’t believe the kinds of Teddy Bears out there and some these aren’t appropriate for children by the way. So without further adieu, here’s a glimpse of some of the wonderful Teddy Bears you might want to have.

1. Straitjacket Bear is just utterly crazy about you.

Of course, having this bear in a straitjacket might make you think he’s just too crazy for you to handle. Then again, at least he’s better than people like abusers, rapists, stalkers, and the like and they don’t get put in a straitjacket. Still, very cute.

2. Muhpawmad Ali thinks that you’re an absolute knock out and hope he doesn’t beat his rival to the punch.

Sadly, Muhpawmad Ali was retired by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company after he converted to Islam and refused to be drafted to Vietnam. Oh, wait that's a different boxer.

Sadly, Muhpawmad Ali was forcibly retired by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company after he converted to Islam and refused to be drafted to Vietnam. Oh, wait that’s a different boxer.

3. Seems like Ted is looking sharp these days.

Yes, this bear was inspired by the movie Ted which is an R-rated comedy about a foul mouthed, irresponsible, and really cantankerous bear. Of course, a lot of young men loved it. Still, despite the crudeness, it did have a great song to it. And now there’s going to be a sequel.

4. “Hello, Hello, Hello, now what have we got here?” said Inspector Mortimer Biggles.

As a die-hard Monty Python fan, I couldn’t let this British cop Teddy Bear slip by me for this post. Still, you have to love his little badge and Bobbie hats they still wear to day. Yet, in media, they always seem so polite.

5. Out of his den, the one the only, Sir Belton Pawn.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of Elton John perhaps from his fame in the 1970s. Love his star sunglasses and shiny purple jacket. Now that’s simply adorable.

6. President Bearack Opawma is the United States Commander in Chief.

Yes, this is a Barack Obama Teddy Bear, and politics aside this is simply adorable and I’m astounded that this one didn’t require a lot of accessories. Sure I think Obama is doing a decent job as president despite the circumstances but that’s beside the point. Yet, will probably go a bit gray after a few years.

7. Of course, who can forget the Clawley family from the hit TV Show of Bearton Abbey?

Of course, this Limited Teddy Bear set includes, Lady Mary, Lady Cora Countess of Grantham, Lord Robert Earl of Grantham, and the Dowager Countess Violet. Still, wish they some of the other characters though.

8. Armed with his lightsaber, this Jedi Knight Teddy Bear is on the cuddlier side of the Force.

Of course, they do have Star Wars Build-a-Bear clothes and accessories on its website. And no, this isn’t an Ewok. Still, I have to put a Star Wars reference in the post somewhere.

9. The hills are alive with the sound of music as you snuggle with the Maria Von Trapp bear.

Luckily for some people, this bear doesn’t sing. Yet, I’m sure any Sound of Music fan will love it if he or she can afford about $300 for it. Seriously, Steiff bears are very expensive.

10. Step into the Colonial and Revolutionary Era with Abigail.

Now I’m sure this is not an Abigail Adams bear because the Boyd’s Bear website says she’s from the Williamsburg Collection. Still, she’d make a lovely gift for an elementary school teacher trying to reach out to students on the American Revolution.

11. Strum up some country music with Cash.

I originally thought that this was a Johnny Cash Teddy bear. Then again, if it was, then he’d be dressed in black. Also, has a female counterpart named Paisley.

12. With her yellow coat, feather hat, and red and white striped dress, Audrey Hepbearn is a true Parisian Fashionista.

Now I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be Audrey Hepburn or an original Boyd’s Bear character (probably the latter). Either way, she certainly looks cute in that outfit.

13. Mia is kind what you’d call a yoga bear but don’t mention, Jellistone National Park or she’d get angry.

Of course, Mia may not be using her yoga mat, but she seems like doing a pose anyway. Perhaps she’s in the park. Yet, I’m not sure what that pose is supposed to be.

14. Julia can be a domestic goddess in the kitchen and still be adorable.

Now this is definitely a Boyd’s Bear take off on Julia Child. I mean she even as “Bon Appetite” in her apron. Yet, I wonder if Julia knows anything about French cuisine.

15. Tilly Gardenberry always loves to hang out in her vegetable garden and probably eats organic.

Of course, the fact that Tilly wears crocs while out in her vegetable patch really shows that she cares more about gardening than fashion of which she is no slave. Seriously, crocs are about one of the tackiest shoes anyone can wear.

16. Lizzie Snowbum is all dressed and ready for the winter weather in the snow.

Of course, we all know that real bears don’t need snow gear and usually hibernate in the winter anyway. Still, I do appreciate Boyd’s creativity with names as well as think Lizzie is simply adorable.

17. On windy days, Skylar Breezebeary always loves to fly her kite.

Unlike Skylar, I was never able to fly a kite as a child mostly because my house was near so many power lines in both the front lawn and the back yard. Doesn’t make a safe kite flying environment.

18. Of course, since Paddington Bear has a movie coming out, I certainly can’t leave him out of my post.

Sure Paddington may seem polite, love marmalade, and can be a screw up at times, but why the hell does he speak in an English accent if he’s actually from Peru? Seriously, shouldn’t he be speaking in Spanish for God’s sake?

19. May your sweetheart find this Loverboy Teddy Bear totally irresistible.

Of course, with his adorable Teddy Bear form, macho sunglasses, Love tattoo, and his bad boy poise, he’s the kind of bear that’s hard to resist.

20. Whether as a horny devil or a saintly angel, you can’t deny how adorable these two look side by side.

Of course, it’s a popular notion that good girls like bad boys. That is, until they come to the realization that they make terrible boyfriends and dump them. So perhaps having nice guys finish isn’t all that bad.

21. Now you can’t help yourself to all these beautiful bearillrinas practicing.

Sure ballet may seem like a girly dance but remember that it’s very exhausting for the dancers who don’t have a very long shelf life. Still, there are some celebrities who do ballet like some NFL football players.

22. Now Coco Chic’s clothes are always at the height of fashion these days.

Now I don’t know what consists of high fashion these days. However, I’m not sure if Coco’s fur hat and trim is necessarily “in” since it’s probably from an endangered species. Then again, PETA probably won’t be on her case since she’s a bear.

23. Still, since he’s so well known, I can’t possibly forget Winnie the Pooh from the Hundred Acre Wood.

Before the Winnie the Pooh became a multimillion Disney franchise, it originated in a series of stories by A. A. Milne who basically named the animal characters after his son's stuffed toys. Son's name was Christopher Robin who hated the books for obvious reasons. Also, Pooh was also named after a real Canadian bear.

Before the Winnie the Pooh became a multibillion Disney franchise, it originated in a series of stories by A. A. Milne who basically named the animal characters after his son’s stuffed toys. Son’s name was Christopher Robin who hated the books for obvious reasons. Also, Pooh was also named after a real Canadian bear. Still, as Disney is concerned, Winnie the Pooh is a $6 billion bear.

24. Now this Teddy Bear just bares all.

The Vermont Teddy Bear Company calls this one, “Birthday Suit Bear” which is odd since I thought I’ve seen a lot of Teddy Bears in their birthday suits to begin with. Seriously, why is he climbing out of his own fur? Kind of disturbing if you ask me.

25. To commemorate the E. L. James Series Fifty Shades of Grey, here’s a Christian Grey Teddy Bear.

From what I’ve heard about the series (originally a Twilight fanfic), Christian Grey is supposed to be an abusive, controlling bastard.Thus, not cuddly at all, which makes this Teddy Bear all the more ironic. Even funnier is that he’s actually gray.

26. This gangster Teddy Near is just a fool for love but don’t open his violin case.

Of course, this gangster Teddy Bear always comes well dressed with his tailored pinstripe vest, tie, black fedora, a rose on his lapel, an his while spats above his paws. Still, for a killer, he’s a cutie.

27. Lo and behold, a Teddy Bear Royal Guardsman from Buckingham Palace.

Sure he may seem friendly now but when he’s on duty, you don’t want to disturb him. Seriously, he wouldn’t like it when you try to break his stiff upper lip.

28. From the Vatican, here we hail the retired pontiff Bearnedict XVI.

I’m not sure if a Pope Francis Teddy Bear exists but he’s probably much cuter and cuddlier. Nevertheless, since former Pope Benedict XVI does have a few Teddy Bears of him, he’ll have to do.

29. Of course, despite the Santa suit, this Teddy Bear doesn’t like Christmas, well, at first.

Of course, this is a Teddy Bear of the Grinch inspired by the Dr. Seuss story How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Nevertheless, this bear is just adorable at least more than the Grinch himself.

30. For Easter, I’m sure a Teddy Bear in a bunny suit would make a swell addition to the Easter basket.

Of course, this could be a Teddy Bear hunting rabbits in a pink rabbit disguise but that’s kind of far fetched. Still, it’s pretty adorable.

31. If you think Teddy Bears are adorable, you should see what a Panda Teddy Bear.

Of course, real Giant Pandas are an endangered species due to habitat loss and a low birthrate (pandas only mate once a year). Still, baby pandas born in zoos usually make the news at six.

32. From Scotland, you’ll never find a cuter man in a kilt than Ewan McClawfur.

Of course, this adorable Highlander Bear doesn’t come with bagpipes but I really don’t care since they’re annoying instruments anyway. Still, you have to love his little kilt and tam.

33. While polar bears (hopefully) typically live where there is ice and snow, this polar bear teddy will warm your heart.

Of course, polar bears rely on the Arctic sea ice so much that they’re now an increasingly at risk for becoming a casualty of global warming (which is real and manmade by the way, sorry, climate denying assholes). Still, this is just so adorable you’d want to take it home and name it Nappy.

34. Of course, since the legend of the Teddy Bear was inspired by an American legend, you can’t leave out a Grizzly Teddy Bear.

Though you might think this is cute and cuddly, remember that you don’t want to be anywhere near a real Grizzly Bear, especially in front of a mother and her cubs. Any guy who messes with a Mama Grizzly or her cubs is a dead man to say the least. Talk about an idiotic death.

35. Give your sweetheart the gift of true love this Valentine’s Day with these Romeo and Juliet Teddy Bears.

Give your girlfriend the kind of gift that remind her that your love is the kind that was brought on by raging hormones, reckless decision making such as marrying a few days later, you killing your cousin after offing your best friend in a gang war between your families, you two running off together in a tomb, poisoning yourself while she faked your death, and she dying by her dagger. Yeah, that’s what I call true love. Yeah right. It’s just tragedy, simply reckless tragedy, folks.

36. Warm your little girl’s heart this winter with a Snow Queen Teddy Bear.

Sure this may not be Elsa from Frozen, but it's not like little girls will no the difference, at least at first. Still, in her icy domain, she's just so adorable in that little blue dress and crown as well as her furry muff.

Sure this may not be Elsa from Frozen, but it’s not like little girls will know the difference, at least at first. Still, in her icy domain, she’s just so adorable in that little blue dress and crown as well as her furry muff.

37. Make bedtime memorable with this little pajama bear.

Of course, this Teddy bear might be for babies since it has cute little footie pajamas. Nevertheless, this is something any little kid could love and want to go to bed with.

38. What you mean you’ve never seen a Teddy Bear in his heart dotted boxer shorts.

Of course, this adorable Teddy Bear doesn’t look that bad in his little boxers. But I’m sure they help conceal his naughty bits if you know what I mean. Still, love how he seems so buffed up in them.

39. Ride the waves this summer with this one of a kind surfer bear.

Of course, Cuddlebut only took up surfing just so he could get closer to all the exotic ocean fish at high tide. Unfortunately, he’d be chased to the shore by whales and sharks wanting to eat him.

40. I now pronounce you man and wife, Mr. and Mrs. Bearenstein. You may kiss the bride.

I see a lot of wedding bears from the internet. Maybe it’s because weddings are popular occasions for giving these things. Nevertheless, they do make a cute couple don’t you think?

41. Have the flu? Well, I’m sure Dr. Jones will make it all better.

Of course, you know he’s a doctor since his little Furst Aid medical bag contains a bandage and a thermometer. Still, I kind of wish he had a little stethoscope with him but who am I to judge? Still, he’s adorable.

42. Now this Teddy Bear is certainly a real angler with the rod and the reel.

Of course, unlike most bears, Clawson caught his salmon with his fishing rod instead of just by his own claws near the waterfall. Thought it was just more efficient that way.

43. By order of Officer Snuggles, you’re under arrest.

Of course, only a police Teddy Bear could be equipped with handcuffs and not seem to have anything ironic about it. Still, hope he doesn’t go after any innocent black bears (then again, in my area the only bears around are black bears).

44. While most bears love the taste of honey, Vermont bears prefer the taste of maple syrup.

Unsurprisingly, this Teddy Bear is by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company, where maple syrup is one of the state’s products. Still, wonder why the company doesn’t have a Teddy Bear representing all 50 states.

45. Clawrles Furbergh has just become the first bear to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean.

Of course, I know aviators today don’t wear that kind of gear as much as they used to. Still, I think this Teddy Bear is so adorable anyway. Yet, I’m not sure if I’d want to fly on his plane though.

46. Clawbo Furcasso specializes in masterpieces pertaining to Modernist Cave painting.

Now this might be a perfect Teddy Bear for my sister, who’s an art major at VCU. Well, at least she started out as one. Nevertheless, you have to like seeing him with his little beret, paintbrush, and palette. Also, it seems like he’s got a few stains on his little apron.

47. Of course, where would Cinderbearla be without her Beary Godmother?

Sure she may be a beary godmother but that doesn’t mean she won’t go after the mice and pumpkin before turning them into a coach and footmen. Still, this is simply adorable.

48. Now never in my life have I ever seen a beary princess.

Now despite being a beary princess, you’d probably wouldn’t want to lock her in a tower. Seriously, bears don’t take it well. Nevertheless, I love that pretty pink dress.

49. Now Chef Beariscue loves to bring his creativity to the kitchen.

Now I bet that this bear chef cooks with all natural ingredients instead of stuff he found at somebody’s camp site. Still, you have to love him in his little chef’s outfit.

50. This bear has been working on the railroad all the livelong day.

Now I know railroad engineers don’t dress like that these days. Still, he wears his little red handkerchief quite well with his little overalls and cap.

51. Now this BMX Bear certainly knows his tricks on the skateboard.

However, unlike most BMX bears, he’s not wearing a helmet on top of his hoodie which isn’t a great idea. Still, he seems quite classy in his skull and crossbones shirt, cargo shorts, and sunglasses.

52. This patriotic mama bear is as all American as her apple pie.

Not sure if this mama bear baked the pie herself or stole it from from someone’s picnic basket. Either way, she’s just so adorable in her red, white, and blue dress.

53. Of course, ice cream with pickles are all what a bear needs when she has a cub in the oven.

Of course, this mama to be bear may be quite friendly and mostly in hibernation at first. But when a bear becomes a mama, she certainly becomes a force to be reckoned with. Get between her and her babies, and she will tear you apart. Seriously, after the cubs are born, don’t ever piss her off!

54. Now it’s customary of Inuit Teddy Bears to wear parkas in the polar regions.

Though penguins are cute animals, they actually live in the Southern Hemisphere and don’t coexist with Inuit or Arctic wildlife. Still, I love how that bear looks in its cute little parka.

55. Hire this Handyman Teddy Bear to fix your broken heart.

Yes, this little handybear doesn’t fix stuff with a pencil or rule. He’s just handy with love and he’s no fool. He just fixes broken hearts because he knows he surely can. Fixing 24 hours a day.

56. Sailor Teddy Bear serves as a proud member of the US Navy.

Of course, you have to love how he does his little paw salute. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t want to be scrubbing the deck while wearing that outfit though.

57. Now this bear is only hurting for love, one blow at a time.

Either that, or this teddy was just looking for love in all the wrong places, naturally. Still, hope he gets well or finds the right person.

58. Of course, this Mother Goose bear can always read a rhyme or two to children.

Now I’m sure this bear thinks the goose is delicious (well, a wild bear would). Still, you have to love her adorable 18th century dress and cap.

59. This Teddy Bear EMT will save your life and drive you to the hospital in no time.

Of course, if anyone found a bear trying to resuscitate them in the ambulance (or driving one), most would pass out from shock. This is where the defibrillator comes in handy.

60. Here comes noted surgeon Dr. Bearensen appearing at the operating table in his scrubs.

Then again, this bear could be a nurse for you sometimes can’t really tell in the operating room. Then again, nurses usually wear scrubs in the hospital while doctors don on lab coats outside the OR.

61. Count Furcula wants to suck your blood and be let into your heart.

Sure he may be a vampire with fangs, but he’s far more cuddly than Edward Cullen from the Twilight series and much cuter, too. Still, doesn’t seem pale by any means.

62. Don’t worry, if you’re trapped in a burning building, this firefighting teddy will save you.

Of course, while he may be saving people and fighting fires on the outside, inside his heart is on fire and burning for love and cuddles.

63. This bear teacher is always well loved by the cubs she teaches.

Man, she wears a dress similar to what a lot my teachers did while I was at Mendon. Of course, she’s much more adorable than any of them there.

64. Now Old Red Furbart is said to be the fastest draw in the Old West.

Now this cowpoke seems to be quite fancy for a rodeo or a shoot out. Still, he does look cute in his red shirt and blue jeans even if you don’t want a cow near him.

65. Nothing makes this snow bear more eager for winter than being able to use his cross country skis.

Of course, he may go try out his skies in the Rocky Mountains or at Seven Springs this year. Yet, he certainly looks so cute in his sunglasses and snow gear.

66. Now this is what I’d call a true honey bear.

Of course, this Teddy Bear is probably the only one you can possibly trust with a hive. Seriously, real bears rip these places apart for the honey.

67. This Cupid Teddy Bear will shoot arrows that will make you fall in love.

Of course, unlike the popular chubby winged baby images, Cupid in Classical mythology was a handsome young man barely out of his teens. Then again, I wonder if there’s a Teddy Bear of Pysche.

68. Zombie Teddy Bear is hungry for your brains, heart, and hugs.

I don’t know about you but I think this is probably a very funny Teddy Bear creation from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. Sure he’ll probably turn you into something mindless and undead, but he’s so irresistible to say the least.

69. As far as bears go, this one is certainly the Queen Bee of her castle.

She may be bossy but you have to love her beehive crown as well as black and yellow dress. I mean she’s so cute that she might as well be sweet as honey. Yet, she may sting.

70. Of course, for this lender bear, everyone needs a bailout once in a while. Sort of.

Of course, this was a creation by the Vermont Teddy Bear Company in wake of the 2008 federal bailout to the jerks on Wall Street. I’m not sure that the money lent was ever paid back in full. Probably not.

71. Come and join Hugh Heffur and his den buddies at the Playbear Mansion.

Of course, Ted might’ve taught us that not all Teddy Bears are as sweet an wholesome as they’re created to be. Still, I think this is kind of funny.

72. Ladies and Gentlemen, all hail, Her Royal Majesty Elizabearth II.

Yes, this is a Teddy Bear of the Queen of Great Britain in her royal regalia. And yeas, the crown does seem to be bigger than her head. Still, she’s still so cute as a bear if you look at it.

73. This bad teddy was born to ride on the open road.

Now this bear looks adorably badass in his black leather, sunglasses, and denim. However, he forgot to follow one important lesson in safety which is to wear a helmet.

74. Now why don’t thee huggeth this adorable William Shakesbear?

“To bear, or not to bear, that is the question—
Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Hives and Berries of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Claws against a Fleas of troubles,
And by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep—”

75. Legendary sleuth Furlock Holmes is on the case in A Study in Salmon.

Of course, in the original Arthur Conan Doyle mysteries, Sherlock Holmes didn’t wear his tweed coat or his deerstalker cap he’s seen with in the Basil Rathbone movies. However, he did smoke a pipe as well as got on Watson’s nerves from time to time as an eccentric roommate on Baker Street.

76. The crew of the Bear Trek Enterprise venture to seek new worlds and new civilizations as well as go where no bear has gone before.

No, the Spock Teddy Bear isn't a dog. He just has his ears turned pointy like a dog's because he's a Vulcan. Also, I wonder if Captain Kirk's bear has a thing for alien green bear girls or just girls in general.

No, the Spock Teddy Bear isn’t a dog. He just has his ears turned pointy like a dog’s because he’s a Vulcan (which you don’t want to see at Pon Pharr). Also, I wonder if Captain Kirk’s bear has a thing for alien green bear girls or just girls in general.

77. Now these three BDSM bears are certainly getting kinky downstairs.

Sure they may be adorable but these cute little Teddy Bears are certainly not for kids. Nevertheless, they’re pretty funny in full gimp gear in all.

78. In his mask and cape, the legendary Zorro leaps in to save the day.

Yes, this swinging swashbuckler manages to outwit and disarm bad guys as well as steal your heart. Nevertheless, that outfit is simply adorable.

79. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the King of Rock n’ Roll, Elvis Bearsley.

Sure he may be in his “Jailhouse Rock” phase. But after he gets married and joins the army, his days of Vegas as well as peanut butter and banana sandwiches won’t be far behind.

80. Though Christmas may be over for now, I couldn’t do a post without leaving out Santa and Mrs. Paws.

Of course, Santa and his wife are so iconic in stature that I couldn’t just leave them out of this post, even if Christmas is over. Nevertheless, the really do make an adorable couple.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 9, 2015

Now I know it’s been since October that I’ve done a post on vintage postcards but I’ve run out of ideas at the moment and have a lot of these saved up on my laptop so it’s. Besides, it’s too early for Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, Presidents’ Day, or other holidays. Of course, there’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day but he’s not the kind of guy I’d want make fun of. Then there’s my birthday on the 13th, but there’s just so many birthday cakes out there. So for now, postcards will have to do for the moment. Nevertheless, I know my viewers can’t get enough of these things so here I go. Of course, I know some people travel over the holidays and sometimes during the winter months to get the hell out of the snow. However, most of us really can’t spend the winter months in the Bahamas mainly because, well, we simply can’t afford to and have other obligations such as school, work, and family. Also, January weather is really terrible, especially since temperatures have started dropping belong zero. Yikes! Anyway, if you’re stranded at your home due to the snowy weather outside or your school’s closed, here is a batch of tacky vintage postcards for your pleasure. And I hope with them, you can get through your day.

1. In the Middle Ages, German village festivals had dunking tanks like this.

Oh, wait a minute that’s another medieval torture device it seems. And it doesn’t seem that they’re weighing the caged guy against the duck either. Would’ve solved everything.

2. Every woman should be the queen of her kitchen with this turquoise refrigerator.

Now I'm fine with turquoise but this fridge seems more appropriate for the kitchen of some tacky trailer park than in most households. Yet, I'm sure this woman isn't the Snow Queen from Frozen.

Now I’m fine with turquoise but this fridge seems more appropriate for the kitchen of some tacky trailer park, dive bar, or disco than in most households. Yet, I’m sure this woman isn’t the Snow Queen from Frozen.

3. Greetings from Snooki’s grandmother from the Jersey Shore.

I don’t know about you but it seems that not much has changed on the Jersey Shore over 50 years before the notorious MTV reality series. Thank God, that show’s over. Also, that hat is hideous.

4. In the Old West, we always cut the cheese after a dinner of pork and beans at the camp fire.

Of course, when it comes to western way of breaking wind, some guys led out a rip-roaring gust while others emit an odor that’s silent but deadly.

5. I don’t think Sally intends to eat that mango.

Rather I think she wants to use that mango to drop on her little brother’s skull since he stole her Fruit Roll Ups. Little Stevie needs to pay.

6. Every time German children see a rocket ship in the night sky, it’s tradition they drop their pants and pee on the window side flower pot.

I hope these boys enjoyed giving Mom’s petunias a golden shower since she’s probably going to wonder why they smell like a urinal in the third grade bathroom. Yes, Mom’s petunias will never smell the same way again, but they’ll get a steady supply of nitrates though. Maybe she doesn’t mind the tradeoff.

7. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the Equine High Diving Championships, Mustang Sugarcubes takes the plunge.

Oh, my God, I think I just made PETA want to burn my house down for posting this. Perhaps the Humane Society may want to join in. Still, what sadist could think of horses jumping off the high dive? This is just fucking insane! Also, illegal in most states. By the way, this postcard is from Atlantic City, New Jersey where Boardwalk Empire takes place. Man, seems like Nucky’s booze is really getting to them. As cruel to animals as this may be, I just can’t help laughing at it for some reason.

8. Alf’s lunch box.

Now I know the people behind the picture thought this made a good photo op. Yet, the cuteness kind of fades away when you find out that there are people in certain countries around the world that eat them. Kind of makes this postcard disturbing.

9. Welcome to Hawaii, we have large, uh, pineapples.

Talk about low hanging fruit hanging not far from the tree. Still, this is just bound to give Freud a field day. I mean why did this woman put the pineapples so close to her boobs? Really?

10. Seems like Springer here just barked a cake. Seems so proud. Hope there’s no fur all over the icing.

So how does a dog bark a cake? Makes no sense whatsoever. Guess those behind the design were aiming for cuteness. Also, what’s in the cake? Hope it’s not disgusting.

11. For a lovelier you, get these stylish Oompa-Loompa inspired coiffures from Willy Wonka’s Beauty Salon.

Then again, perhaps we all should be happy that Willy Wonka became a confectioner instead of a hairdresser. Hate to see what kind of machinery he’d have at his hair salon. Probably would look like some torture chamber from a kid’s show.

12. Yes, fellas, prune juice was one of the great “drugs” of the 1960s, which they attribute to freeing your mind as much as your bowels.

Ironically, I wouldn’t be surprised that prune juice is now consumed by more 1960s flower children more than ever. Yeah, prune juice will set your colon free from constipation.

13. I now give you the Venusflytraposaurus.

Actually that’s an Elasmosaurus a large Plesiosaur from the Cretaceous period. Of course, unfortunately for this guy, orthodontists didn’t exist at the time.

14. I don’t know about you but why the hell does Snowflake have her helmet on backwards?

Of course we all know that Snowflake would be kidnapped by psychopath ex-football player and tranny Ray Finkle (disguised as Lois Einhorn). He also kidnapped Dan Marino as well as killed a man in his apartment. And in the 1990s, this was a family film or so I think. At least it was in my house.

15. Maybe we should send this to Kim and Kanye when they’re thinking about a trip to Florida. I mean these crocs like big butts and they cannot lie./These alligators can’t deny./When a girl walks in with a big gigantic waist/And a round thing in their face/They get starved.

Yes, that croc on the beach is in the mood for some bootylicious rump roast tonight. Also, what’s with the monkey fishing from the pelican’s beak for God’s sake? That’s insane!

16. C’mon, to Elsie’s they said. It’ll be fun, they said.

I think there’s something wrong with this girl here. Sure she might want her sister to drop in again, but she probably wants to drown her in the fountain and hide her body in the large vase.

17. Now this New England eatery has lobsters in any style.

Wait a minute, that’s in Oklahoma? Seriously, lobsters are an oceanside crustacean caught in fishing boats from Maine. Oklahoma is an inland state known for cattle, dust storms, and tornadoes. They do not go together.

18. Yes, this guy is certainly blowing his own trumpet seen here.

Of course, “blowing” also has another meaning explaining why this postcard is so funny. Of course, it’s probably impossible to do and I can’t mention it in front of the kids.

19. Now this is place seems to give “dive bar” a whole new meaning.

Now a bar overlooking a giant fish tank is one thing, but this is kind of ridiculous. Might also make the patrons wonder whether they’re seeing things or just need another drink. I’d hate to be the designated driver in that bunch.

20. Now this would make a fine new addition to the hunting lodge or man cave.

Too bad the holidays are over for this lamp would’ve made a great Christmas present for my next door neighbors. Then again, that lamp might freak out their granddaughter.

21. Nothing makes an electronic back massager than some device that bears a striking resemblance to IKEA furniture.

From the back: “Figurette—the home slenderizing unit that has become noted as a “lasting beauty” aid for women…but is every bit as much renowned for the tension-relieving relaxation it helps induce in he-men. Another leading product of A.R.A. Manufacturing Co., Grand Prairie, Texas.”
“It is very important that the he-man not become too relaxed. Therefore, he should use the Figurette with work clothes on, including shoes and tie.” I wonder what would happen if he got too relaxed. Oh, I see.

22. Nothing excites a two-year-old more than a giant stuff dog about as tall as your ceiling.

Of course, seems that the company responsible for this photo didn’t seem to care about the boxes next to the humongous dog that might give parents nightmares. Please don’t show this to small children or they’d want one, too.

23. Of course, when it comes to toilet training, some dogs grow accustomed to it better than others.

I bet that any dog owner would rather teach their dog to go on the toilet than have it drink from there. I wonder if this potty animal knows how to flush.

24. This lady seems so happy with her large wall shelf of tupperware.

I don't know about you but wait until she finds out that you can't put tupperware in the dishwasher. Boy, I'd hate to dishes at that place.

I don’t know about you but wait until she finds out that you can’t put tupperware in the dishwasher. Boy, I’d hate to wash dishes at that place.

25, Now I know this is supposed to be a stove. Yet, I don’t know why I still wonder why it could possibly be a stove-dishwasher unit.

Must be that the oven doors have no windows in them and that there are two of them. Still, that color may be nice but the stove is hideous.

26. Oh, no, they just buried a dead guy in the topsoil planters! What kind of sick place is this?

Okay, that’s just a guy getting mud bath at a spa. Still, you’d wonder if this was just some crazed garden store of death seeing him like that.

27. Nothing graces a little girl’s bedroom than a pink, frilly lamp.

Ugh! This lamp is so frilly and pink that it makes me sick. And I don’t mind the color either. Still, I don’t think a little girl would find it settling that the figurine doesn’t have any arms.

28. Now a dramatic reenactment of Cain killing his brother Abel.

My God, this is just a horrible execution that it seems like something you’d see on the Flintstones. Also, makes you wonder whether Cain killed Abel because God thought Abel’s sacrifice was greater or that Abel was making fun of Cain’s leopard skin loincloth.

29. This cow says, “Howdy, from Oklahoma! Where the wind blows sweeping from the plains…”

This cow doesn’t look like it’s saying, “Howdy!” Rather I think it’s trying to say, “They’re going to kill us all and put us on buns at the local burger joint! Get out while you still can!”

30. If this engine weighs lighter than the swimsuit model, then you should have no problem carrying it.

Then again, this model seems a bit chunky compared to the ones you’d see in a Victoria’s Secret commercial. Still, close enough. Nevertheless, it’s also available in lime green.

31. May I present to you the Rainbow Choir of the East Glenville Methodist Church.

Of course, given that the Gay Rights Movement adapted the rainbow flag as its symbol, I don’t think a church choir would call themselves, even if it’s the United Methodist Church.

32. And now two labrador retrievers on a ski lift. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Now that just can’t be safe for animals. Seriously, I wonder if either of these dogs would have the patience of staying on these seats. Besides, what if one of them jumps?

33. “Well, I’ll be happy to assist you with your mud bath Mr. Skelly.”

Now I’m sure this person is making the man look all natural as if he was part the dirt from which he came from. Still, this is pretty disturbing if you ask me. I mean these people look as if they’re buried alive for God’s sake.

34. Come to the Girl Crossing where the action is.

Of course, the women at the Florida beach you actually see probably aren’t as attractive as these ladies. Seriously, fellas, believing this postcard will set yourself up for disappointment.

35. And yet we have another version of RuPaul’s Drag Race does Lawrence Welk.

Of course, I’m sure these people are smartly dressed for some formal fancy dress ball. Yet, I don’t think they’re very convincing. Still, don’t want to see these in your mail.

36. “She wore an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny rainbow macrame bikini…”

Of course, I’m not sure what to make out with her holding a small sombrero that doesn’t fit her head. Still, no girl wants get a postcard from their boyfriend that says, “Wish you were her.”

37. Man, this cat isn’t happy that his flight’s been cancelled. Somebody is going to get clawed.

Of course, the hat and picnic table cloth don’t help matters either. Still, this is probably the original Grumpy Cat. And boy, is he grumpy about his flight being cancelled. Now he’ll have to change travel plans which he hates oh, so much. Yes, polydactyl cat is not pleased.

38. Let’s stop at Pennsylvania’s Crystal Cave Ice Cream Formation.

I don’t know about you but that formation doesn’t at all resemble an ice cream cone to me. Yet, I think Ice Cream Cone Formation was more of a PG name than, well, something else that’s point and stick up. Even funnier is that they have replicas of this at the gift shop and that’s where the real fun begins.

39. Yay! High school cheerleaders gathering around to a car celebrating the anniversary of a time when a peace treaty was signed, or when Indians decided to surrender peacefully and let settlers take over their land.

Of course, what’s worse is that this high school is called Medicine Lodge and it’s located in Kansas. Must have a Native American mascot, too, and a real stereotypical one at that. Great (sarcasm). Still, love those comet pom poms.

40. Now here is a wax figure of Mark Twain on a rocking chair with his best known character Huckleberry Finn.

All Mark Twain ever wanted for his birthday was either a chair rocking or a rocking chair lap dance with Huckleberry Finn. Still, the two seem a bit too friendly with each other.

41. Need some added neck and chin support? Try one of these.

Sure that contraption may stabilize your neck but putting that chin rest on your shoulders just looks very uncomfortable from what I see with the other one.

42. Now here is one of the most important scientists of all time, Louis Pasteur who formulated pasteurization, vaccination, and founded microbiology.

Yes, Louis Pasteur did help change the world for the better as well as saved so many lives with his research. But that doesn’t stop him from testing his anthrax vaccine on his daughter’s pet bunny rabbit.

43. Awww. A black bear cub eating ice cream. Adorable.

I know bear cubs are cute but feeding the animals is a very bad idea. Seriously, feeding them will lead to animal infestation at camp sites as well as make them easy targets for hunters. So please remember that signs warning against feeding the animals exist for a reason.

44. Reginald was stripped of his horse, when it was discovered that he put lipstick on it during those lonely nights.

“Guys? Have you seen my horse? Guys, this isn’t funny. Seriously, somebody’s stolen my horse, Dobbin. How am I supposed to participate in this routine if I don’t have my fucking horse? My apologies for the profane language.”

45. “I always love to tend to my garden in my bathing suit.”

“It keeps me cool and in tip top shape. Also, I hate to change into something different when I need to hide a body right away. You simply don’t have time for that after you strangle a guy in the hot tub these days.”

46. This bathing beauty receives a grizzly hug at Hugh Hefner’s hunting lodge.

Okay, PETA is going to kill me for this. We all know the grizzly bear is a hunting trophy and the swimsuit woman is only there for the fanservice. Still, pretty funny if you ask me.

47. Come to Indiana and enjoy the wonderful, picturesque scenery.

Man, all I see are basically roadways on a flat landscape. Even a transportation worker is bound to fall asleep on these toll roads. At least Western Pennsylvania has hills, forests, and potholes for God’s sake. Yet, you wouldn’t want to drive on those roads either.

48. Have trouble keeping your chin up? We have a pulley appliance for that.

Wonder if I should get those for my mom so she wouldn’t fall asleep watching movies with us. Probably would fall asleep anyway. Still, I don’t think this guy is very comfortable with the chin straps on him.

49. This woman is utterly thrilled with her stylish brand new Cul-Matic water softener by Culligan.

Because before she had a water softener in her house, Connie had get her plumbing clean on a regular basis due to the metal cation buildup that makes hard water less compatible with soap and resulted in her pipes erroding. Hey, it was Joey’s idea to live near an industrial facility where he worked, not hers.

50. Watch a man wrestle with an alligator in Florida, they said. It will be fun, they said.

Man, for an activity that should have big, “Do Not Try This at Home” disclaimer, seems that some people find alligator wrestling quite boring, indeed. People like me just find it nuts. Then again, while the boys are bored to tears, seems like Mom just thinks the handler has a nice tight ass.

51. Sure this may be a Seminole Indian ritual or it could just be a production from Florida State University. Either way, it seems the guy on the top step is about to demonstrate his skill in the sacred art of gymnastics.

This drama is called “Florida Aflame” which is about the Seminole Indians. Still, I wonder what a real Seminole Indian would think of this production because I think he or she might take offense. Seriously, this seems to be something I’d more likely see in a Lady Gaga music video than on an Indian reservation. I mean why?

52. Nothing seems to be a weird sight than a Dominatrix at the beach. BDSM on the beach? How kinky.

“All right. Now where did I put my chair and my cat o’ nine tails? I know I put them here yesterday. Must’ve been swept with the tide tide. Dammit.”

53. Fasten your seatbelts, kid, because you’re taking a rocketship to Sunday School.

I know that mega churches do a lot of activities. But I’m stumped is to how many of them could include a rocket ship in their budgets. Seriously, why?

54. See Bobo the Clown and his little pal Rover.

I don’t know about you but upon seeing this picture, I kind of feel like calling the Humane Society regarding Rover’s welfare and whether Bobo is a good owner outside his creepy clown costume. Because the poor dog looks so terrified.

55. We’ll be looking for your for your next check up. And we will find you!

Poor Ralphie. Seemed to be a nice and happy kid before Dr. Garity gave him that terrible lobotomy. Now he just looks as if he’s just a mindless and possessed demon child with no soul.

56. A hunting trip of bagging two pheasants with your hunting dogs makes for a perfect day.

Putting a dog near a gun: yeah, seems like an accident waiting to happen. And I’ve seen Bowling for Columbine to know that canine photo ops with guns aren’t a good idea.

57. These woman are so proud to have their own singing Big Brown Billy Bass decor.

Sorry, but whenever I see a big fish mounted like that on a plaque, that’s all I think about. I could just hear that fish sing, “Take me to the river, Put me in the water….”

58. So remember car owners, always remember to check the oil in your gas guzzling automobile, regularly.

Of course, from what I can read from their facial expressions, I don’t think auto maintenance is the first thing on their minds right now. Also, “change the oil” has another meaning that doesn’t come across people’s mind if you know what I mean.

59. This woman sure has a whale of a tale when she comes back from vacation.

This is probably a false killer whale which is also used in aquariums and kept in captivity. However, unlike the Orca, there are no campaigns concerning the captivity of these creatures since they’re not studied as much and have a population that’s much more endangered. This may especially true in Hawaii where they’re most frequently seen. Still, hope that woman doesn’t come from a sorority and is sober.

60. Of course, sometimes we can’t prevent receiving a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Yes, Gladys, I’ve electrocuted Harold in the bath tub by throwing my hair dryer. So how do we dispose of his body without the neighbors suspecting?”

61. Of course, we all know that Floria alligators would rather bite than switch. Gator said so himself.

Switch to what? Is this a postcard depicting animal predation or kinky bestiality? Seriously, who thought this kind of postcard was a good idea?

62. Come to the Madonna Inn and stay at one of our three “Merry Go Round” rooms.

Basically the idea of this room’s design came from the person who really liked the color green and so painted all the walls that way. The decorative ideas came from his 6 year old daughter. God, that’s tacky.

63. See these lovely can-can girls at Steve’s Gay ’90s Restaurant in Tacoma, Washington.

Of course, they mean the 1890s here, but including the word, “gay” is pretty funny. The back says: “While you dine, you’ll enjoy entertainment amid the stage settings of old vaudeville. The ad curtain, drapes and chandeliers are from opera houses of the Old West. Fireplaces, furniture and decorations once graced Tacoma’s showplace homes of the 80’s.” Well, 1880s. Still, what the hell are can-can dancers doing here? They’re supposed to be French!

64. Synchronized water skiing: when a bunch of swimsuit clad girls hold one hand on the rope from the boat while putting the other on the shoulder of the girl next to them.

This is a poster of the Aquamaids (perhaps Aquaman’s lady entourage) from Florida’s Cypress Gardens. And yes, they’re on this postcard for the fanservice. Still, the gardens are pretty enough so putting these women water skiing kind of unnecessary.

65. Now these guys are known as the White Fathers of Africa, a well known Roman Catholic missionary order.

Okay, now I know that there are a lot of Roman Catholic priest and monastic orders that wear white robes and that the White Fathers order started in France. However, if it weren’t for the rosaries around their necks, the cassocks, and showing their faces, I would’ve taken them as some kind of white supremacist organization. Also, these monks look kind of creepy.

66. I now give you a black velvet painting of Jesus coming through the clouds.

Okay, this is part of a display in a religious tourist trap called Bibleland. So it’s not a velvet painting. Still, did this artist get the idea of how this work seems more appropriate at some sleazy nightclub? Seriously, why did that person think a black background was a good idea?

67. From the back: “The Barrel cactus (center) sometimes grows 6 feet tall over a 20-30 year period and contains a slimy juice often reputed to have saved lives in an emergency but hardly fit to drink otherwise.” Yes, what a picturesque view of the Mojave desert this is.

Is it just me or is there something phallic about that barrel cactus? Seems like the Lord works in mysterious ways. And sometimes He creates floral scenery ideal for postcards too inappropriate to mail to your grandparents. Nice to see God has a sense of humor, maybe of a 13 year old boy.

68. If it’s no inconvenience, Sparky would now like to take your picture.

Of course, Sparky has no trouble with focus and concentration. That is, unless he spots a squirrel or piece of meat. Then it’s just downhill from there.

69. Uh, I got a geriatric patient sexually harassing a nurse in the trauma ward. Don’t ask me why he’s able to run.

As if the old guy chasing the nurse was bad for a postcard. What totally baffles me about this is how this guy has casts on all his limbs yet he’s still perfectly able to chase that big boobed nurse in the first place.

70. Lake Placid: The vacation spot in New York where you can get into a summer snowball fight.

Of course the sign says: “It’s no mirage-It’s real snow.” Sure it’s real snow, like the snow they have at Seven Springs during the winter when there isn’t any elsewhere. Seriously, there must be a snow making machine somewhere.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Category Archives: Just for Fun