As you can see, I haven’t done a blog post since April because I’ve been working on a novel I’m almost finished on. Yet, given that we’re being confined to our homes during the coronavirus outbreak, I decided to do another album cover post. After all, among the misery and boredom we must face, we can really use a laugh. So why not with good old-fashioned awful covers? After all, when you’re on the internet, you can find plenty of these on Google Images. Above is Queen’s album Hot Space, which depicts the band Andy Warholesque portraits. And while most of their hairstyles have substantially changed from the 1970s, Brian May is the sole exception. So that his hair’s gone gray, he’s starting to resemble a seventeenth century composer. Anyway, in Bohemian Rhapsody, while the stylists seemed to agonize over Freddie Mercury and John Deacon’s hairstyles, Roger Taylor still sports the same long blond hairdo from the 1970s, despite real life photos to the contrary. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of bonkers vintage album covers.
- Bible Story Lady: Creation Series
More like fairy tales. Given the anthropomorphic creatures and celestial objects.
These don’t seem to be Bible stories to me.
2. Cher: Take Me Home
For God’s sake Cher, you can’t go out to the castle in that armor. Do you want the enemy to easily stab you? Seriously, she looks like she’s straight out of a video game.
Brought to you by RAID: Shadow Legends.
3. Polly Bergen: The Party’s Over
After the party descended into a drunken orgy, Mary Lou just wanted to go home. At the same time, she dreaded at the possibility of being a designated driver.
And she does not want to go back again.
4. Dick Contino with the David Carroll Orchestra: Something for the Girls
Are you sure the women aren’t just staring at your ass, Dick? Maybe that’s your “something” for the girls. Seriously, there aren’t many people who enjoy accordion music.
Because girls really dig an accordion player.
5. Johnnie Mann Singers: Night
Seriously, this cover features a naked woman smoking a cigarette next to a flower pot table with a naked lady lamp on top of it. Because sex sells, everyone.
Live from the best high end whorehouse.
6. Julie London: Julie
Tell me this woman is wearing at least a pair of underwear. But I wouldn’t be surprised if she isn’t. Also, she seems to predate Madonna by a couple of decades.
And they say singers today are exposing too much of themselves.
7. Bert Henry: The Hard Way
Yes, another nudie album cover. But this time the boobs are censored. Parent discretion is advised.
Featuring blacked out titties.
8. George Shearing Quintet: Latin Lace
After all, she’s all business in the front and party in the back. But in a more tasteful fashion. Still, what kind of bra does she wear?
Just because you have to wear a veil, doesn’t mean you can’t go backless.
9. The Melachrino Orchestra: Music to Work or Study By
Betty tried her best to study hard despite wanting to hang out with friends. As her mother’s watchful eye gazed over her that evening.
Someone doesn’t trust her daughter with her homework.
10. Various: Music for Relaxing
You can tell they’re trying to appeal to men. And I’m sure they’ll be “relaxing” to this cover.
Now with a woman wearing a low cut top.
11. Carpenters Hit Melody
Because you can clearly see their tits. Also, they’re not wearing proper footwear for biking or helmets.
For why wear a shirt and bra if you can just sport a jacket?
12. Passionate Hawaiian Rhythm (Hawaii & Tahiti)
Heard she was Fishmate of the Year from Hook, Line, and Sinker Magazine. It’s for fishing enthusiasts and perverts.
Where professional fishers have to meet the same qualifications as those in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.
13. GTD: Big 3
Here a couple shares a drink with apparently no clothes on. Also, is the guy Harrison Ford? Looks like him. Not going to judge him.
Featuring the perfect music for your nude beach vacation.
14. Tom Jones: A-Tom-Ic Jones
Sure, everything’s being annihilated during a nuclear holocaust. But this guy’s still singing and wearing a suit. Even he’ll eventually end up vaporized.
As if 2020 can’t get any worse.
15. Dusan Bogicic: Cepam Case
Seems like this guy’s been stuck in quarantine way too long. Given that he’s taken to the bottle.
If you’re Eastern European and in quarantine, this might be the perfect album to get drunk on.
16. Generique: Co-Co Boy
Okay, I don’t think the guy on the right is Elton John. But he sure seems dressed like him.
Featuring a cruise ship captain and a young pre-fame Elton John.
17. Jamie Redfern: Sitting on Top of the World
Look I’m sure he’s a nice harmless, guy. But smiling like that in that weird hair and placing his shoulders on a boy like that just gives me creepy vibes for some reason. Maybe I’ve heard too many stories on child sex abuse. I don’t know.
I know the kid’s his son but please don’t touch his shoulders.
18. The Nashville Strings: The Nashville Strings Play Great Country Hits Vol. 2
I don’t know about you. But I wonder if this woman’s got an eating disorder since you can barely see her boobs. Then again, maybe it’s photoshop.
Featuring a topless woman on a tree.
19. Eric Van Camp: Grafted In
For God’s sake, he’s wearing a horned helmet and fur vest. Resembles less of an opera singer or fierce Viking and more of a guy you’d see eating turkey legs at the Renaissance Festival.
Now in his Renfair costume.
20. The Unknown Quantity
Apparently, they haven’t gotten used to wearing their human body suits since landing on earth. Also, the women seemed to take their hairdos straight from an outdated magazine.
At last, the first Christian album by extra terrestrials.
21. Vader Abraham: Im Land der Schlumpfe
Seriously, the guy’s posing with Smurfs while wearing a bowler hat. Need I say more.
Smurfs: Not just for kids in the 1980s.
22. Waterland Underwater Revue: Alice in Waterland
I get that these underwater shows are a thing in Florida. But why do an album? I’m sure it’s not a musical.
Now how can you do an album underwater?
23. The Collarmen: Time Passes On…
Because they’re all priests. Though I can’t be sure who’s playing the lead guitar. And the drummer’s only using a snare instead of a full set. Yet, they all can forget about groupies since a celibacy vow forbids it.
So they decided to start a band in the seminary.
24. Georgie Auld and His Orchestra: Dancing in the Land of Hi-Fi
Seriously, I don’t think Angie’s in the mood to dance with Johnny. Doesn’t want to embarrass herself.
Though this woman’s more like, “Uh, no thanks.”
25. Vesele Veceri: Mjja Aleksic
Here he is showing a picture of a naked woman’s butt. I’m sure the parents will be all right with that (sarcasm).
Brought to you by your creepy uncle from Eastern Europe.
26. Moe Bandy & Joe Stampley: Just Good O’l Boys Holding the Bug
Would you trust these guys with valet parking? For God’s sake, why the hell am I asking that question?”
Brought to you by the drunks at the local dive bar.
27. Ricky Skaggs: Don’t Cheat in My Hometown
Though he might have something hidden in his hair. Perhaps a card, maybe.
Brought to you by men’s hairspray.
28. Tomislav Ivcic: Veceras Je Nasa Festa
Also, the background is cracked. Still, the guy looks kind of out of place in his porn stache. Not sure why.
When you have to go to a photoshoot but don’t want to change out of your casual attire.
Okay, he’s not Weird Al as a sea captain on too many drugs. But you’d almost assume that.
Never seen this early Weird Al cover before.
30. Henry & Hazel Slaughter: Looking Through His Eyes
While the woman’s hair looks incredibly flammable and she doesn’t seem very comfortable with the guy. Then again, he seems more like a used car salesman than a Christian singer.
Brought to you by Crazy Henry of Crazy Henry’s Used Car Dealership.
31. Mica Ostojic: Trofrtaljka
I at first thought she was a guy in drag by the look in her face. Still, she appears to see what her neighbor’s up to on her concrete patio.
Behold, the Kim Kardashian of the trailer park.
32. The Thrasher Brothers: Country Cookin’
Or does the guy near the silverware know that after posing with the food, the conversation will somehow descend to politics one way or another. And he knows many of his relatives voted for Trump.
Someone’s not enjoying Thanksgiving dinner.
33. The Miracle at My House
As a commenter from Bored Panda noted: “That’s no miracle. That’s an evil ghost dwelling in your house.”
With accompaniment by “Ghost Girl Who Lives in My Attic.”
Brought to you by the 1970s magic of photoshop. And even by 1970s standards, I’ve seen better.
When it’s the 1970s and your cover design’s got a limited budget.
35. Dan Levenson: Barenaked Banjos
He’s got his banjos strategically placed. But hey, at least he’s not from Deliverance.. Yet, you don’t want to see your dad like this.
If you like bluegrass and nudism, this is the album for you.
36. Pauline and Randy: Help Me
From Bored Panda: “Unfortunately, this album was Randy’s last call for help before his mother completely consumed him and he lived the rest of his life in her basement, never kissing, let alone meeting, a girl.”
Is this an album cover or a call for help?
37. Dorothy- “Everybody’s Mother” Goes Country
Though why she’s dressed for a fancy barbecue I have no clue. But it’s not a suitable attire for hunting or riding.
All a Karen needs is a horse and a shotgun.
38. The Sounds of His Coming
Yeah, might want to pass on this album. Seems like a recruiting poster for a polygamist cult.
By the Rev. McCreepazoid and his five sister wives.
39. De Germa: De Germa’s Bananenlied
Says, “There are no bananas today” in Dutch. That’s a lie.
Apparently, these ladies are ape over bananas.
40. Ilona Staller: Ska Skatenati
Heard she’s an Italian porn star who later became a singer and politician. So there’s hope for you yet, Stormy Daniels.
Never mind the strategically placed bear at her crotch.
41. Olaf Sveen: Dance Party
Here the accordion player does his thing while wondering if it’s all worth living. Contemplating the inevitability of death.
When you’re clinically depressed but have to play the accordion at a polka fest.
42. Flemming Antony: Frk. Brun
He was later busted for sexual assault on lady statues. #Metoostatue.
He prefers a woman with a rock solid rack.
43. Jimmy Scott: Falling in Love Is Wonderful
Seriously, didn’t Bill Cosby end up going to prison for pulling shit like this? For God’s sake, this guy either raped this woman or murdered her. Not sure which is worse.
Brought to you by roofies or poison.
44. Romark: Relax…You’re Going to Lose Weight
From Bored Panda: “No, see, you were supposed to either prop the album up inside the fridge so when you went to snack you saw him glaring at you, or you tied it to a string and hung it in the middle of the kitchen doorway so it hit you in the face when you went to snack.”
Does that mean he’s going to cut your head off if you let him?
45. Vicki Jamison: He’s More Than Enough
Then again, we don’t just live on bread alone. However, we still need to eat. Though she’d be wearing a mask today.
Yet, not enough to keep her out of the bread aisle.
46. Danny Boy: Twist
From Bored Panda: “Unbeknownst to a lot of people, Star Wars was originally written as a rock opera, and the Red Guards were not Emperor Palpatine’s personal bodyguards, but were a band of travelling minstrels. Then George Lucas got involved, and the entire mood changed.”
Are these the KKK’s Christmas outfits?
47. Victory: Pirates on the Sea
Then again, they seem like the guys you’d meet in the ye Old Port Royal gay nightclub. Don’t ask about the booty there.
If Pirates of the Caribbean was made in the 1970s.
48. De Alpen Zusies: Alser Watte Feesten Walt
The women also wear skimpy lederhosen that wouldn’t suit the alpine climate. One even has her legs stretched.
Because no Oktoberfest is complete without disco music.
49. Crosby, Stills, & Nash: Live It Up
You can see Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson on his Twitter feed now. “You can’t roast hotdogs on the moon. There’s no atmosphere. You can’t even breathe or start a fire on there.” Way to ruin it, Dr. Tyson.
Who wants to roast hotdogs on the moon?
50. Sauter-Finegan: Inside Sauter-Finegan
Okay, they’re a music duo. But the anatomical picture just looks really freaky.
Who wants to know what’s inside co-joined twins.