The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Sixth Edition)

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Once again, I move on to album covers. Of course, who can remember the awesome design with the Beatles’ cover of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. You might recognize some celebrities the Beatles are standing with. Nonetheless, great album covers like this one are always remembered and treasured. However, since I’ve done a post like this for years, you get the idea that we’re not going on a nostalgia trip here. Instead, we’ll look at album covers that were long forgotten for some reason. And not because many didn’t have good music on the records. Some have aged terribly. Some are outrages. While some are just plain weird. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of crazy vintage album covers.

  1. La Wanda: MUTHA*Is Half a Word
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For some reason, I have serious doubts she’s a virgin. Also, she should’ve known she was pregnant by now.

Apparently, this woman’s in for a real surprise.

2. Henri Salvador: Le Martien Count Basie: L’Inspiration Syracuse

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I don’t understand the sci-fi concept behind this album cover. I mean the guy’s in blue make up with a weird diamond helmet.

Man, this Martian really creeps me out.

3. The Pinups: Wild Thing

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Is that a dead hooker in the car? Okay, that’s really disturbing. Hell, this whole album cover is unsettling.

Don’t tell me they’re supposed to be prostitutes licking lollipops.

4. Dani: Dani

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Apparently, being surrounded by clowns can put you in a rather terrifying situation. Also, why isn’t Pennywise in here?

Perhaps this woman has spent too much time with the circus.

5. Mirka Kodica: Bajo

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Seriously, this guy kind of reminds me of those bad 1980s prom pictures. Funnier that he’s wearing a shiny striped suit with a stern expression.

When you have to resort to a backup outfit for your prom picture.

6. The Bee Gees: Life in a Tin Can

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Of course, how they could fit in this old pop can, I’ll never know. Let’s not think about this one too hard.

Apparently, the Bee Gees haven’t been doing too well these days.

7. Brad Swanson: Brad Swanson Goes Hawaiian

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Still, the guy’s posing with women who look awfully young. While his eyes bear some ill intent. Don’t like where this is going.

So, how does Hawaiian organ music sound like?

8. Cerrone: Supernature

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Yes, the animal masks are freaky. But what the hell are they doing in a hospital operating room with a fake body on the gurney?

Beware of the animal masked people under the gurney.

9. Conway Twitty: I’m Not Through Loving You Yet

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Since his wife left him, Conway’s fashion sense has gone out the window. He’s kind of bitter about the divorce. His wife’s got a lawyer and is suing him for half his assets.

Apparently, Conway’s going through a rough patch in his life.

10.  Def Leppard: On Through the Night

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When we start settling Mars, we might have to train astronauts to be truck drivers. Not sure how that’s going to work out.

In the future, large semis will transport giant guitars in space.

11. The DeFranco Family featuring Tony DeFranco: Save the Last Dance for Me

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Those 1970s haircuts certainly don’t help either. That one guy in the back knows how lame this photo op is.

Of course, everyone had to wear a top matching the background with a sequined animal on it.

12. Ed Ames: My Cup Runneth Over

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Then again, to each his own. After all, Ed could really be a nice guy. But that doesn’t help his hairstyle.

You have to wonder what the blond woman sees in this guy.

13. Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Sings for You

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Actually he’s wearing a 1970s jumpsuit and a necklace. But yeah, he probably spent too much time at the tanning salon that day.

Released during a time when Humperdinck was moonlighting as an Elvis impersonator who spent too much time in a tanning salon.

14. The Gary Walker Singers: “I Shall Never Forget the Day.”

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I mean the instruments consist of accordion, banjo, and electric guitars. Also, that one guy looks like David Hasselhoff.

So what genre is this supposed to be?

15. David Cassidy: The Higher They Climb

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Here he jumps to reach a star in front of a large crowd of people. While he holds a white guitar in his hand that matches his jumpsuit. Don’t ask me who came up with this idea.

Didn’t know David Cassidy had the power of levitation.

16. Oscar Brand: Sports Car

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Apparently, you can sit on it, too. As long as the long staff is well into your ass. Boy, that woman’s going to be sore. But for now, she’s reading like it doesn’t seem to bother her.

My, that’s one large tire jack.

17. Jean Carroll: Girl in a Hot Steam Bath

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The one guy in the bathroom’s reading a newspaper with shoes and socks on like it’s nothing. While the women on the other side are checking him out.

Didn’t know they had unisex steam rooms.

18. Orel Turkbas: How to Make Your Husband a Sultan

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Helps if you dress in a jingling bikini that resembles what Princess Leia would wear if Jabba’s palace was a disco. Yet, she doesn’t wear the long chain nor strangle a huge blob monster who used her frozen boyfriend as wall decoration.

A belly dancer shares her tips for wives to please their husbands in the bedroom.

19. The Singing Richey Family: I’m Going Home…To Watch the Flowers Bloom

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I bet the mom’s like, “I shall call her Mini Me.” Hell, they’re wearing the same pink dress.

Apparently, big hair is an inherited trait.

20. Pedro Pinho and Paulo Pontes: Berrante Do Tempo

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Man, these outfits are atrocious. Look at the pink top with gold sleeves. Is it 1970s or what?

When you and your buddy pose in the same space age outfit.

21. Tesura: Fruko y sus Tesos

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They even have chain around a dog and one guy holds a big cigar. But badass they are not.

When your tough guy act goes absolutely nowhere.

22. Maria Luisa Landin: Con la Voy del Alma….

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Seriously, why is her reflection appearing in the glass like that? Does she think she has something on her nose?

When you’re staring into a wine glass when your date doesn’t show up.

23. Rito Esclavo: Pedro Laza y sus Pelayeros

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I mean she’s literally tied to a man by her wrists with rope. And she’s wearing a Sword-and-Sandal costume. So is she supposed to be dragged? Or is she kind of into it? Because I want to know how to feel here.

Is this supposed to be slavery or a kinky bondage routine?

24. Reb Allen: Country Hits

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Still, I know they’re supposed to be prison stripes. But they kind of remind me of pajamas. Also how is he able to play guitar on the rocks?

During his stay in prison, Reb would provide the chain gang entertainment during long, hard days.

25. Gordon Calcote: Folsom Prison Blues

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Nonetheless, I think the cover is more appropriate for “Prisoners of Love.” Also, this pen seems to have a very generous conjugal visit policy.

If you want a sexy version of this hit, we got you covered.

26. The Game Is Over Soundtrack

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Yes, this a soundtrack from a forgettable Jane Fonda movie. Still, naked in the jungle, what can possibly go wrong with that?

Apparently, Naked and Afraid is older than I thought.

27. Il Medico…la Studentessa Original Film Soundtrack

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Okay, it’s probably not a porn movie and I apologize to anyone offended. Still, I’m sure these two are about to play “doctor” at any moment. Seriously, look how the guy’s grabbing the woman’s leg.

Didn’t know they made soundtracks for porn films.

28. Alan Hale: Skipper Alan Hale’s Roman Orgy

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Apparently, the cover implies that a Roman orgy’s just a fancy toga party. But it’s more like a hedonistic free for all with drinking, partying, and group sex.

Also known as the R-Rated version of Gilligan’s Island.

29. Pilz Band: Schtarch Sy

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You’d almost think it was a 1980s version of The Office starring Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander. Got to like that one guy’s shirt.

When your office band hits the big time.

30. Crosby, Stills, and Nash: Live It Up

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So, how can you roast hotdogs on the moon? It has no atmosphere so you can’t light a fire. Oh, those guys are climbing on the sticks? Was the designer on drugs?

Spent roasting hotdogs on the moon.

31. Orrin Star: Fun Songs & Fancy Pickin’

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Heard that he was a musician and shop teacher by day. And a porn star by night during the 1970s. Naturally, him and Adrien aren’t on speaking terms.

Boy, Adrien Brody’s dad is incredibly lame.

32. Orion: Rockabilly

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He wears a mask because he’s fugitive from another state. Not what he did. Still, reminds me of a Will Ferrell SNL sketch for some reason.

This man seems to have an interesting Elvis impersonator routine.

33. El Baile Aleman: Senor Coconut y su Conjunto

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The one guy is framed in a star because he couldn’t make it to the photo session. But he wore the same outfit nonetheless.

Hope you enjoy the puffy sleeves.

34. Terri Gibbs: Over Easy

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Because “Terri” is a female rendition of that name. But the person kind of has a more masculine disposition. Then again, maybe Terri’s just gender fluid.

Is that supposed to be a woman or a guy wearing lipstick?

35. Elna Fredhoy og Rigmor Odum

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Funny, how one could easily pass as Matthew McConaughey’s grandmother. Hope she plays alright, alright, alright.

One plays guitar. The other plays the accordion.

36. Quim Barriero: Recibe um Convite (A Casa Joquina)

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Heard he got his start playing polka music at a nudist colony. Then again, he seems to have stripped all his clothes off.

Someone enjoys playing naked accordion.

37. Knuz Zopy3em

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These guys have such blase expressions that they see no hope out of their boring and meaningless lives. Though I like that front man’s tie.

Featuring hit songs from this up and coming Soviet group. Just feel the excitement.

38. Kjell Kraghe: Vind I Seglen

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And yet his clothes don’t seem the slightest bit wet. Then again, it’s photoshop.

Look out there’s a giant guy in a 1970s jumpsuit on the horizon.

39. “Whoopee” John Wilfahrt and his Orchestra: Dance Night

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For God’s sake would you take the name Wilfahrt seriously? Also, that dancing couple seems all too happy.

Apparently, why they didn’t ask John Wilfahrt to change is name is a riddle for the ages.

40. Mijus Svetlana: Klik-Klak

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Well, maybe Russians don’t mind women not shaving. Since they’re probably more focused on trying to get by. Still, she looks pretty silly in that outfit. Also what are those strings with balls supposed to mean?

Is that armpit hair?

41. Buldozer

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So basically this cover consists of women mooning. I’m sure the moral guardians won’t be happy with that.

Apparently, these women decided to stick their butts to the window.

42. Jasar: Zena Moje Mladosti

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I mean the guy seems more right at home on Stranger Things. Also, is he smoking a cigarette?

Here this Yugoslavian singer poses for a photo like teenage boy on his way to prom in the 1980s.

43. Oliver Mandic: Probaj Me

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So is he supposed to be the Yugoslavian equivalent to David Bowie or Boy George? Also the name Mandic is hard to take seriously as an English speaker.

Here he sits on his red suitcase waiting for a ride while wearing his matching red leather suit.

44. Sneki: Ti Saluto Italia

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Then again, it kind of makes sense. Since Italians are into soccer and high fashion. Still, the woman seems like a snake lady to me.

Apparently, saluting Italy means having a sexy woman near a soccer goal.

45. Father Robert White: The Reverend in Rhythm

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I think this might’ve become a meme. Still, I don’t think you can dance to that song listing. Also kind of reminds me of Matthew McConaughey for some reason.

Just a priest with a pipe who can play some tunes.

46. Jonah Jones: I Dig Chicks

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Still, they shouldn’t be there. No, I don’t see anything wrong with women on a back hoe. But these women aren’t clad in the proper safety equipment. So they run a high risk of injury or death.

Apparently, someone doesn’t see anything wrong with these women being at construction sites for fan service.

47.  Barry Louis Polisar: I Eat Kids and Other Songs for Rebellious Children

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Seriously, why would anyone have a song about eating kids? Is this an album used to traumatize children?

I don’t think his baby appreciates the title.

48. Janet Greene: Country and Spanish Flavors

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After all, she wouldn’t want anything to scald her uh, boobs. Yes, I get that her boobs get considerable attention on this cover.

Let’s hope she doesn’t spill anything on her chest.

49. The Happy Sound of Ragtime

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Because what makes a wholesome image of ragtime like seeing a fat rich guy being served by 2 hookers. Seriously, the woman’s putting some money in her stocking.

Available at an Old West brothel near you.

50. Trevor Crozier and Friends: Trouble Over Bridgewater

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Despite that nobody dresses like that nowadays. Still, I don’t think he’ll find any gold with this album.

He’s just an old prospector having a beer.

 

 

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