As the Baudelaires rummage into Madame Lulu’s tent, they discover that she’s no psychic at all. Just a fraud. The magical effects are the stuff of a machine consisting of cables, ropes, pulleys, mirrors, switches, and smoke. And how does she get her information? Well, she relies on an archival library under the table of her crystal ball. So if anyone wants to know something, she has them close their eyes before she goes under the table to find what she needs. Disturbingly, she’s been keeping track of the Baudelaires since she has a picture of them at Damocles Dock, a student listing from Prufrock Prep, and an article of V.F.D. taking the kids in. Obviously, the children are freaked out. But they decide to take whatever has their names on it. Then they displace the crystal ball which falls the floor and smashes.

The song I selected for this moment is “Stage Fright” by The Band. Of course, the original version is about a guy experiencing stage fright as well as the pitfalls of fortune and fame. In this version, I have the Baudelaires discovering the truth about Madame Lulu.

“Stage Lights”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
We’re here inside Madame Lulu’s tent
Got to find where she gets her content
Need my ribbon with me just to think
Thank you, Klaus, this will do the trick

Seems like our seer uses stage lights
Her fortune tricks with this mirror device
Which can only work with the sunlight
That means she’s a big fake
Yet, Olaf trusts in her anyway

Klaus:
There’s a library under that crystal ball
Seems like she has lots of documents on us all
So this is how Count Olaf goes to see
To find out wherever just where we’ll be

Seems like our seer uses archives
She gets to under her table lights
While her clients close their eyes
But when they open again
She has an answer ready for them

My pockets are filled to the brim
Snicket File page
I got some Quagmire notes that we’ve saved
Better get stuff that has our names, oh, ooh ooh ooh

Violet:
Best we shouldn’t pull on the table cloth
Crystal ball might fall off
If that crystal falls on to the floor
It’s Madame Lulu who’ll be at the door

Seems like our seer uses stage lights
Magic effects with a lightning device
Best not get caught in the spotlight
Don’t pull onto that cloth
Or you’d just piss Lulu off, hmm hmm
Don’t wanna to piss her off, hmm hmm
Please don’t piss her off, hmm hmm
Don’t let that glass ball fall off, hmm hmm
It’s Madame Lulu at the door

Now that Count Olaf has introduced lions to the scheme and announced that a freak would be thrown in the pit the next day, the Baudelaires figure that they need to go inside Madame Lulu’s tent to find the answers to their questions: What is V.F.D.? Is one of their parents still alive? If so, which one and where are they? And why haven’t their parent found them? Meanwhile, Count Olaf and Esme have gotten into an argument since he gave Madame Lulu lions and she didn’t get smack. Add to that how Esme has been jealous of the fortune teller since they arrived and the attention she receives from her boyfriend. He said he gave her a gift for her “wonderful fortune-telling” but it’s possible Olaf likes being her for more than her abilities. However, it’s possible that Olaf is using Madame Lulu to get what he wants and that the lions are his way of giving her a way to boost carnival popularity. And I’m sure Lulu knows it, too. Not to mention, in the books, she may have a thing for Olaf since she wasn’t happy to know Esme’s his girlfriend. In the show, Madame Lulu only flirts with Count Olaf so he won’t harm her since she has her heart for Jacques Snicket. Though it is possible she could’ve had a relationship with Jacques in the books but you wouldn’t know about it.

The song I picked at this moment is “Another Day” from RENT. In the original version, Roger is struggling with his feelings for Mimi whom he’s falling for. But since he has AIDS and had a girlfriend die from the disease, he doesn’t want to suffer another heartbreak. So he’s rejecting her and distancing himself from her. Meanwhile, Mimi really wants to be with him. Because she also has AIDS and wants to live for the moment. After all, she doesn’t have long to live anyway. In this version, I have the Baudelaires decide to go into Madame Lulu’s tent while Count Olaf and Esme argue and Madame Lulu struggles with her feelings for the Count as well as her knowledge that he’s a bad dude.

“Another Day” (ASOUE Version)

Olivia:
Who does he think he is?
Bringing lions to my carnival
Count Olaf—hey
The exit’s that way
You better go you know
No need to piss off Esme
Take your lions—take your henchmen
Your sweet whisper
I just can’t handle
Well take your hair in the moonlight
Your blue eyes — goodbye, goodnight
I should tell you I should tell you
I should tell you I should — no!
Another time — another place
You’re a vicious psychopath
Now banging Esme
She’s got a husband
Not that you’d even care
Want inside my tent?
Come back another day
Another day

Violet:
We won’t have time for us to burn
Go in her tent to see what we can learn
There is no future
Must find the past
Tomorrow may just be our last
There’s only us
Check Lulu’s tent
Find Mom or Dad
Or it’s our chance to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

Esme:
Excuse me if I’m off track
But if you want me
Then tell me — why do I get smack?
I’m your girlfriend
Don’t I matter here
But Lulu gets
Lions for her fucking stupid fair!
What do you do going inside her tent?
Does she tell your fortune or are you having sex?

Count Olaf:
Another time — another place
I don’t have time for this
So shut your fucking face
Your green jealousy
Is getting in my way
Wanna be a help for me?
Come back another day
Another day

Klaus:
Check Lulu’s tent
Find what we may
We must go in
Who’s there for us
No other course
No other way
No day but today

Violet and Klaus:
We cannot solve

Esme:
Control your temper

Violet and Klaus:
Our questions asked

Olivia:
He doesn’t see

Violet and Klaus:
Where are our folks?

Olivia:
Who says I know what I told?

Esme:
Madame Lulu has to pay

Count Olaf:
Just let me be

Violet and Klaus:
There’s only now
There’s only here
Check Lulu’s tent
To see who’s here
That tattooed eye
Spells V.F.D.
We’ll find what we may

Olivia (simultaneously):
Who does he think he is?
Bringing lions to my carnival
Count Olaf, hey
The exit’s that way
No need to piss off Esme

Violet and Klaus:
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today

Olivia (simultaneously):
Take your lions; take your henchmen
Take your blue eyes, your handsome smile, your silhouette
Another time, another place
Don’t go inside, don’t see my face
Esme’s envy will not go away
Want inside, another day

As the Baudelaires go outside to drink their hot chocolate under the pretense of visiting the gift caravan, Count Olaf pulls in. So they don’t have much time to investigate her tent. And he’s towing a trailer filled with starved lions for a new attraction. His plan? Well, as he put it, he wants the lions to replace the tagliatelle whip. In other words, he’s devising that the lions to eat one of the freaks thrown into a pit. After all, freaks live such miserable lives that they won’t care to sacrifice their lives for a lion’s meal. Except while the crowd is in a Hunger Games like frenzy and excited for the upcoming blood and gore, the freaks and the Baudelaires aren’t okay with it for obvious reasons. But unfortunately, the crowd loves the idea so it’s guaranteed to be fantastic hit. Thankfully, the Baudelaires have some time to go into Madame Lulu’s tent before tomorrow.

Of course, I had to use “For the Benefit of Mr. Kite” by the Beatles from their Sergeant Pepper album for this. Since this song is also announcing some death defying circus act involving Mr. Kite jumping through a hoop of real fire. Obviously, having a freak jump through a ring of fire would’ve been an easier and cheaper attraction idea for Count Olaf. Besides, he’s a pyromaniac. But the guy’s so despicable that he doesn’t care who dies for the sake of entertainment. Since the lions are his way of paying Madame Lulu. In this version, Count Olaf announces that a freak will be thrown into a pit of lions. Still, I kept some of the original elements in the Beatles song as an added bonus.

“For the Benefit of Caligari”

Sung by Count Olaf

For the benefit of Caligari
There will be a show next day for all to see

The Hendersons will all be there
Late of Pablo Fanques Fair, what a scene!

The freaks will do their stunts as side acts
Before one’s thrown in a pit of real lions!
In this way Caligari will challenge the world!

The anticipated lion scene
Is taking place on Saturday at Bishopsgate

The Hendersons will dance and sing
As one freak’s pushed off the cliff, don’t be late!

Madame L and I assure the public
Our production will be second to none
And of course, Henry the Horse dances the waltz!

The band begins at ten to six
When a freak jumps into the pit without a sound

The lions will devour him
In gory fashion to the raves from a large crowd

Having been some days in preparation
A splendid time is guaranteed for all
And today Madame L is topping the bill!

As the Baudelaires plan to infiltrate Madame Lulu’s tent, the other freaks wonder why they’re so obsessed with going there. It’s not like they have anything better to do. But the kids try to convince the other freaks there are better opportunities out there for them. After all, there’s as much for a two-headed person as there is for an ambidextrous guy like Kevin. Though to be fair, being ambidextrous isn’t exactly freakish and there are plenty of people who could write with two hands leading normal lives. Hell, we even had an ambidextrous president though he was shot. But not for that. Anyway, the freaks make hot chocolate where Sunny’s addition of cinnamon has improved its taste.

For this, I chose “Everything’s Alright” from Jesus Christ Superstar. The original version has Mary Magdalene soothe Jesus after a long day of arguing with his disciples. Though Judas and Jesus argue at a couple points. In this version, I have the freaks convince the Baudelaires to forget about their worries and lay off their fixation with Madame Lulu’s tent. Though I also have Violet and Klaus convince the freaks they there are better options than performing in a freak show. By the way, I also used this one for the Hunger Games musical as well.

“Everything’s Alright” (ASOUE Version)

Hugo:
Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don’t you know
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight.
If we try, we’ll get by, so forget all about it tonight

Freaks:
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s alright, yes.

Kevin:
Sleep and we shall soothe you, calm you, and entreat you
There’s nothing else for us, oh
So please feel
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s fine.
There’s not a lot of great opportunities
For co-joins and ambidexts like me.
Close your eyes, close your eyes
And relax, think of nothing tonight.

Freaks:
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s alright, yes.

Violet:
Freaks, in your old wagon, all numb and complacent
All of you can do so much more.
Why do you remain here? How can you stand it?
Humiliated and so abhorred
Depart from this side show, there’s a world out there
There’s so much more than what’s right here!

Colette:
Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don’t you know
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Forget about Lulu’s tent for now tonight.
If we try, we’ll get by, so forget all about that tonight.

Freaks:
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s alright, yes.

Klaus:
Surely, you’re saying we all obsessed with
Madam Lulu’s fortune tent
Hooked man said something about the Baudelaire parents
Bert or Bea may not be dead yet
Madame Lulu may know who
She might even tell us, too
Got to know, got to find were they are, or we’re screwed.

Hugo:
Sleep and we shall soothe you, calm you and entreat you.
Here’s some hot chocolate, oh
Then you’ll feel
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s fine.
Chabo’s added cinnamon and the coco’s sweet
For the fire in your head and feet.
Close your eyes, close your eyes, and relax
Think of nothing tonight.

Freaks:
Close your eyes, close your eyes, and relax
Think of nothing
Everything’s alright, yes, everything’s alright, yes.

Not surprisingly, the Baudelaires find their first experience performing at Caligari’s freak show simply humiliating. The people in the audience are mean and are only there to throw stuff and make fun of them. Plus, the kids are experiencing flashbacks of all the horrible guardians they’ve had in the past along with all the terrible things people done to them and laughed at them for. It’s a miracle they didn’t snap and go postal, not that it wouldn’t have helped with their reputation now being murderers and arsonists. Violet is in pieces with all her confidence sapped. Sunny is crying, too. However, Klaus tries to be optimistic, pointing out that they’ll go in Lulu’s tent while she’s away. Enduring this sheer humiliation is just part of the gig.

The song I chose for them here is Billy Joel’s “A Minor Variation” from his River of Dreams album. The original version of this song is about coming to terms with depression which the narrator seems to cope through drinking. Though I guess if you’re Billy Joel, it would also mean crashing cars into houses like in the 2000s. Despite he hasn’t been doing much of that lately. In this version, I have the Baudelaires sing about how upset they are after performing at the freak show.

“Sheer Humiliation”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Some days I have to give right in to the blues
If they keep pointing and laughing
It’s a relief that I don’t blow a fuse
And I’ll tell you why
This is all crazy
It’s such a sad disposition
But can you blame me
For getting the flashbacks of bad guardians?
Ain’t nothing new with our blue situation
But nothing’s fine if it’s all just sheer humiliation

Klaus:
When troubles want to find me, I ain’t hard to find
They don’t know us here
Crowd’s a hungry pack of wolves when it’s feeding time
They tear up a man
And it’s a strange thing
Cause now it don’t really matter
More of the same thing
Don’t even hurt it’s been part of the pattern
Not sure how we tame our frustrations
Let’s just define it as all sheer humiliation

Ain’t now way to fight ’em sisters
Ain’t no way around ’em Sunny
Ain’t now way to take ’em Violet
Nowhere to go and believe me we’ll have to shake ‘em

I’m getting to the point where I don’t feel the pain
And I’ve had enough
The crowd may laugh and mock us again
And throw us their junk
It doesn’t faze me
And now I’ve made my decision
I may be crazy
It’s not as though I don’t know that condition
Let’s go into Madame Lulu’s tent while she’s away
We must have to put up with some sheer humiliation

Violet:
Ain’t nobody’s business, Sunny
Ain’t nobody’s worry brother
Ain’t nobody’s problem
No way to run when you have to let them mock you

And it’s a strange thing
Cause now it don’t really matter
More of the same thing
Still always hurts, it’s a part of a pattern
Don’t ask I’m through this blue situation
I’m going cry over all this sheer humiliation

While Count Olaf and Madame Lulu are in the fortune telling tent, the Hook-Handed Man pays host to the House of Freaks while holding the tagliatelle  to whip each freak act onto the stage. Despite that the Hook-Handed Man is offended to be seen as one of them despite his hooked hands. Each act showcases the freak’s talents. Hugo puts on coats he can’t get in. Kevin writes his name with both hands at once. Collette does her freaky contortions. As the two-headed Beverly and Elliot, Violet and Klaus eat an ear of corn. While Sunny can show her fangs and violent side as Chabo the Wolf baby. The audience proves to be as mean as their host as they throw stuff, jeer, point and laugh. All in all, as with any freak show, it’s a humiliating experience being put on display like that. In the show, Count Olaf introduces the freaks in a musical number mostly because he’s played by Neil Patrick Harris.

Obviously, I had to go with “Topsy Turvy” from Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. In the original Clopin pays emcee to the Feast of Fools which is actually Mardi Gras in 15th century Paris. It’s an exciting number but it showcases a dancing Esmeralda who Frollo, Phoebus, and Quasimodo will romantically vie for in varying degrees. Not to mention, it has Quasimodo endure a humiliating experience of being crowned the king of fools though he doesn’t really know what’s going on. Until they throw stuff at him and Esmeralda has to come and stop him. In this version, I have the Hook-Handed Man pay host and introduce the freaks.

“Topsy Turvy” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by the Hook-Handed Man

Troupe and Freaks:
Come one, come all
Step right up and come in and see
Freak acts for the family
Come one, come all
Come inside and take a seat
Boy, are you all in for a treat
Come and see the House of…

Hook-Handed Man:
…Freaks!

Come inside, at the Caligari Carnival
Freakish folks to cure your boredom and enthrall
Daring acts of freakishness for one and all
Once again, come in the House of Freaks

Look at Hunchback Hugo as he tries a coat (Fit in them you’d think but he surely won’t)
Ambidextrous Kevin can write his name with both (Great to see his both hands to write a note)
Everything is topsy turvy
At the House of Freaks

Troupe and Freaks:
Topsy Turvy

Clopin:
Everything is upsy-daisy

Troupe and Freaks:
Topsy Turvy

Hook-Handed Man:
Come on, freaks, please don’t be lazy

I’m no freak so please don’t you all judge me
Come inside to see the House of Freaks

Troupe and Freaks:
Topsy Turvy

Hook-Handed Man:
Hope you can watch and have the stomach

Troupe and Freaks:
Topsy Turvy

Hook-Handed Man, Troupe, and Freaks:
Jeer and throw in your junk and garbage
Mocking those with gross monstrosities

Hook-Handed Man:
Laugh at routines most unnervy
Feel free to be some extra scurvy

Hook-Handed Man, Freaks, and Troupe:
Come inside to see the House of Freaks

Hook-Handed Man:
Come one, come all
Hurry, hurry; here’s your chance
See the mystery and romance
Come one, come all
She can flex like no one can
Hailing from the Hinterlands
Colette la Contortista…
Dance!

Here it is, the moment you’ve been waiting for
Here it is, you don’t know what we have in store
Now’s the time we laugh until our sides get sore
Now’s the time to see two new freakish acts!

Baby Chabo is horrible and frightening
Beverly and Elliot are a pair of conjoined twins!

Violet and Klaus:
Hey!

Hook-Handed Man:
See Beverly and Elliot try to eat corn on the cob. Why?

Freaks and Troupe:
Topsy Turvy

Hook-Handed Man:
Freakish folks, forget your shyness

Freaks and Troupe:
Topsy Turvy

Hook-Handed Man:
Don’t forget to put on a smile

Troupe and Freaks:
Put your foulest features for all to see

Hook-Handed Man, Troupe, and Freaks:
Come inside to see the House of Freaks

Hook-Handed Man:
Ev-er-y-bo-dy!

Troupe and Freaks:
Come inside, at the Caligari Carnival

Hook-Handed Man:
Laugh at the freaks!

Troupe and Freaks:
Freakish folks to cure your boredom and enthrall

Hook-Handed Man:
Ha ha! Oh, what a freak!

Troupe and Freaks:
Come and see these twins eat corn on the cob

Hook-Handed Man:
Girls, give a kiss

Troupe and Freaks:
Come and see the beastly baby

Hook-Handed Man:
We’ve never had freaks like these

Hook-Handed Man, Troupe, and Freaks:
She’s an unholy product of a lady and a wolf
She’ll rip your face off so don’t you be a fool

Come inside this tent to drop in
Where the freaks are never stopping
For the chance to see the freak routines
With their talents that’ll put the top in
Top…sy… Tur…vy…

Hook-Handed Man:
Topsy Turvy
Mad and crazy
Upsy-daisy
At the House of Freaks!

The next morning at sunrise, Count Olaf goes to Madame Lulu’s tent where she apparently reveals that one of the Baudelaire parents is still alive and in the Mortmain Mountains. Though in the book, the Baudelaires mainly hear about it from the Hook-Handed Man who mainly wakes them up to get ready for the day. Yet, they don’t really know what to think anymore because they spent the last 7-8 books thinking their parents are dead. Thus, the kids decide to venture into her tent when they can. In the show, Madame Lulu tells Count Olaf actually shows which parent has survived, revealing Beatrice in her dragonfly costume. Either way, this doesn’t mean what the fortune teller says is true. But it’s the answer Olaf wants and he’ll go with that.

Anyway, the song I selected here is “Friends on the Other Side” from The Princess and the Frog. In the original Dr. Facilier invites Prince Naveen and his valet into his place where the magic happens. He reads them their fortune but he transforms the spoiled and lazy prince into a frog. Still, it’s quite a creepy scene if you ask me as he consults his ghostly “friends from the other side.” In this version, I have Madame Lulu giving Count Olaf the answer he wanted.

“Friends on the Other Side” (ASOUE Version)

Sung by Olivia Caliban (as Madame Lulu)

Olivia:
Don’t you disrespect me, Count Olaf!
Don’t you derogate or deride!
You’re in my world now
Not your world
And I got friends on the other side!

Carnival Staff:
She’s got friends on the other side…

Olivia:
That’s an echo, folks. Just a little something we have here at the Caligari Carnival, a little parlor trick. Don’t worry…

Sit down at my table
Put your minds at ease
If you relax it will enable me to do anything I please
I can read your future
I can change it ’round some, too
I’ll look deep into your heart and soul
(you do have a soul, don’t you, Esme?)
Make your wildest dreams come true!

I got voodoo
I got hoodoo
I got things I ain’t even tried!
And I got friends on the other side.

Carnival Staff:
She’s got friends on the other side!

Olivia:
The cards, the cards, the cards will tell
The past, the present, and the future as well!
The cards, the cards, just take three
Take a little trip into your future with me!

Now you, dear Count, come from the city
Pursuing three orphans from old money
(Come from old money myself on my mother’s side)
Your lifestyle’s high
But your funds are low
You need to steal rich kids’ money whose parents’ went gone!

But Bea or Bert may be around, huh, Olaf?
Now they oughta be dead, but one might be alive.
You just want their cash.
And the kids off your case.

But where could they be?
It’s the where, it’s the where, it’s the where you need
And in the Mortmain Mountains
You’ll find who you’ll need!

But do you mind, I don’t want to waste much time
Could you help me and spare some time?
My carnival needs more customers and my caravan needs more dough.
Otherwise if we don’t…
Then my carnival will surely close down
But in the future, if you help me
Then you’ll surely see more of the Caligari!

Shake my hand.
Come on, Olaf.
Won’t you shake the poor sinner’s hand?

Yes…
Are you ready?

Carnival Staff:
Are you ready?

Olivia:
Are you ready?
Revelation central!

Carnival Freaks:
Revelation central!

Olivia:
Revelation central!

Carnival Staff:
Revelation central!

Olivia:
Revelogrification central!
Can you see it?
I’ve explained it
I’ve explained it
I’ve explained it
I’ve explained it, all right!
I hope you’re satisfied
But if you ain’t
Don’t blame me!!
You can blame my friends on the other side!

Carnival Staff:
You got what you wanted!
But you didn’t get what you need!

Hush…

After the Baudelaires dress up, they come knocking on Madame Lulu’s digs. Though getting through a job interview is a difficult experience, the kids have a greater disadvantage since they’re pretending to be other people and the fact Count Olaf and his cronies are around. Violet and Klaus introduce themselves as Beverly and Elliot and Sunny as the not quite tame and violent Chabo the Wolf Baby. Olaf makes the elder children eat corn off the cob which they drop as everyone laughs at them eating. Madame Lulu hires them on the spot and takes them to the freak caravan. There, they meet a hunchback named Hugo, an ambidextrous guy named Kevin, and a contortionist named Colette. It’s small with some hammocks, a kitchen, and potted plants. Oh, and they’re not going to get paid since the carnival is short of funds due to lack of visitors. While the freaks aren’t quite happy with their lives.

The song I went with here is “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid. In the original, Sebastian the crab tries to convince Ariel that life under the sea is so much better than on land. But Ariel doesn’t seem to listen. Still, you have to feel bad for Sebastian since he’s King Triton’s trusted adviser but he’s stuck with babysitting duty for his teenage daughter. Let’s just say, when Ariel gets her legs, Sebastian will nearly escape with his life from a chef who wants to make him a seafood dish. In this version, I have Madame Lulu describe what the Baudelaires have to look forward to.

“House of Freaks”

Sung by Olivia Caliban (as Madame Lulu)

You freaks appear rather desperate
To seek my humble estate

You say you’ve had a rough life
For you came to the right place

The crowd will sure like your corn act
Of which you can be assured

And that Chabo the Wolf Baby
Well, she’s just what I’m looking for

At House of Freaks, at House of Freaks
I bid you welcome
Hope we can be chums
Take it from me

We’ll take in mixed sex conjoined twins
Along with kids of man and beast trysts

Do the cob act in
With crowd reacting
At House of Freaks

Come on

Here is the freak show caravan
Will you all both eat and sleep

Your mates are Hugo, Colette, and Kevin
I hope you’re all thick as thieves

I give you free room and board here
Don’t ask me how you’ll be paid

So you might as well be grateful
That I let all you freaks to stay (uh-oh)

At House of Freaks, at House of Freaks
You sleep on hammocks
For your freak theater routine

Won’t you be grateful and rejoice
That I keep those like you all employed

Got money troubles, please don’t all mumble

At House of Freaks, at House of Freaks
We aim to please here
Please keep with me here
Naturally

By day you’ll be on display
So you can mind the night away

You got your act here
Now go enact it at House of Freaks

Hugo puts the coats
Kevin uses both hands
Colette can contort
You’ve got a real class stand
Bev and El eat on the cob
Chabo use the claws
You’ll all make your big debut
The newt play the flute

Hugo has the hunch
Kevin’s ambidext
Colette can sure bend
Bev and El have two heads
Chabo is untamed
She’s got a fur face
And oh, she’s got those claws

At House of Freaks (At House of Freaks)
At House of Freaks (At House of Freaks)

Come on

At House of Freaks (At House of Freaks)
At House of Freaks (At House of Freaks)

Sorry to wake you
Want to acquaint you with new colleagues

They came to me so late at night
But be up around the first light

Glad you can come here
At caravan here
At House of Freaks

Don’t mind the hammocks
We are ecstatic
At House of Freaks
Enjoy your stay here
When on display here
Sorry to keep you hope you can sleep here
We’ll be in luck here
Here out in nowhere at House of Freaks

Realizing that they’re stuck at the Caligari Carnival, the Baudelaires try to make the best of things and put on some disguises since they don’t have much choice. So they go through Count Olaf’s trunk to find what’s there. And let’s just say, they have plenty of stuff to work with. They find part of a brass reading lamp that Count Olaf dropped from a window near Klaus, a bag from the “In” Boutique, pantyhose covered in sawdust from Paltryville, Violet’s old wedding veil, and plenty they haven’t seen before. So they have plenty of options with clown and judge out. Though the clothes are too big. Yet, when Violet comments on how freakish she’d look in these clothes, Klaus gets the idea of them to dress up as freaks. Violet and Klaus would dress as a pair of co-joined twins of different genders which goes against everything we know about biology. Because co-joined twins are identical twins who failed to split before coming out of the birth canal. Sunny would disguise herself as wolf/child hybrid, Chabo the Wolf Baby. Yes, that’s a bestiality reference in a children’s book. Though to be fair, there’s also one in Harry Potter pertaining to Dumbledore’s brother getting cited for improper charms on a goat.

I used Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck in the Middle with You” which is famously used in the torture scene from Reservoir Dogs. The original version tells of a dismissive tale of a music industry cocktail party written and performed as a pastiche to Bob Dylan. And its music video features a dinner scene featuring a clown trying to eat a plastic chicken. In this version, I have the Baudelaires going through Count Olaf’s trunk for disguise ideas.

“Stuck at Caligari Carnival”

Sung by Violet and Klaus Baudelaire

Violet:
Well, we came in with Count Olaf tonight
And we’re clear that nothing is right
If we leave, we’ll just be going nowhere
There dangers and that we’re accused murderers
When we tell the truth, no adult thinks we’re right
Here we are, stuck at Caligari Carnival

Yes, we’re stuck in Caligari Carnival
And I wonder what Lulu does with that ball
Can we help us with the questions we have?
But we must avoid Count Olaf if we can
So we’re all staying but where to spend the night?
Here we are, stuck at Caligari Carnival

Well, perhaps we can use some stuff
Back inside Count Olaf’s holed up trunk
See he’s got a lot of costumes
So we can put disguises for Lulu to see, see

Klaus:
Here’s some piece from Monty’s brass lamp
Guess this is Esme’s In Boutique shopping bag
Those sawdust hose must be from Paltryville
Hey, is that Violet’s old wedding veil?
So many disguises but so little time
Here we are stuck in Caligari Carnival

So we can’t go as a clown or judge
And it’s clear that all these clothes are too big
But if we all come off as freakish so
Maybe we should all dress up as freaks, freaks

Well, I know that freak shows aren’t quite right
But what choice do we have here tonight?
Hey, Vi, how we share this pair of pants
And we both can share a shirt if perchance
Take this fake beard, Sunny, we’ll blend in as freaks
Here we are stuck at Caligari Carnival

Both:
Yes, we’re stuck at Caligari Carnival
Stuck at Caligari Carnival
Here we are, stuck at Caligari Carnival

While she’s a considerably more benevolent and heroic character in the TV show on Netflix, Madame Lulu is far more ambiguous in the books. For one, her motto is “Everyone gets what they want” regardless on whether she should. Secondly, Count Olaf often visited her whenever he needed to know where the Baudelaires where at any given moment in exchange for gifts or favors.  Since he believed she could tell him through psychic means. Now Count Olaf and his gang have many questions for the carnival fortune teller like where the Baudelaires are, if one of their parents survived, and the Snicket File’s whereabouts. But Madame Lulu tells them that they’d have to wait until sunrise since the crystal ball has certain rules. In exchange, she’s worried that Caligari Carnival may close since it doesn’t attract many visitors being a decrepit amusment place in the middle of nowhere. So Olaf promises her to give her something that could give the paying customers she needs. Also, Lulu doesn’t seem thrilled with the idea that Esme is the Count’s girlfriend. Nor is Esme since the fortune teller acts kind of flirty with her Olaf.

The song I went with for Madame Lulu’s introduction is “When You’re Good to Mama” from Chicago. In the original version,  prison Matron Mama Morton sings how she’ll do favors for her female charges in her clink if they’ll do stuff for her in return. Particularly, pay her money to use certain services and have certain amenities.  In this version, I have Madame Lulu basically sing the same thing for I barely change the words save her name.

“When You’re Good to Lulu”

Sung by Olivia Caliban (as Madame Lulu)

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen
The Keeper of the Keys, the Countess of the Caligari Carnival
The Mistress of the Mystical
Fortuneteller Madame Lulu

Olivia:
Ask any of the chickies in my pen
They’ll tell you I’m the biggest mutha hen
I love them all and all of them love me
Because the system works, the system called reciprocity

Got a little motto
Always sees me through
When you’re good to Lulu
Lulu’s good to you

There’s a lot of favors
I’m prepared to do
You do one for Lulu
She’ll do one for you

They say that life is tit for tat
And that’s the way I live
So, I deserve a lot of tat
For what I’ve got to give

Don’t you know that this hand
Washes that one too?
When you’re good to Lulu
Lulu’s good to you

If you want my gravy
Pepper my Ragu
Spice it up for Lulu
She’ll get hot for you

When they pass that basket
Folks contribute too
You put in for Lulu
She’ll put out for you

The folks a top the ladder
Are the ones the world adores
So boost me up my ladder kid
And I’ll boost you up yours

Let’s all stroke together
Like the Princeton crew
When you’re strokin’ Lulu
Lulu’s strokin’ you

So what’s the one conclusion?
I can bring this number to
When you’re good to Lulu
Lulu’s good to you