A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “House of Freaks”


After the Baudelaires dress up, they come knocking on Madame Lulu’s digs. Though getting through a job interview is a difficult experience, the kids have a greater disadvantage since they’re pretending to be other people and the fact Count Olaf and his cronies are around. Violet and Klaus introduce themselves as Beverly and Elliot and Sunny as the not quite tame and violent Chabo the Wolf Baby. Olaf makes the elder children eat corn off the cob which they drop as everyone laughs at them eating. Madame Lulu hires them on the spot and takes them to the freak caravan. There, they meet a hunchback named Hugo, an ambidextrous guy named Kevin, and a contortionist named Colette. It’s small with some hammocks, a kitchen, and potted plants. Oh, and they’re not going to get paid since the carnival is short of funds due to lack of visitors. While the freaks aren’t quite happy with their lives.


The song I went with here is “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid. In the original, Sebastian the crab tries to convince Ariel that life under the sea is so much better than on land. But Ariel doesn’t seem to listen. Still, you have to feel bad for Sebastian since he’s King Triton’s trusted adviser but he’s stuck with babysitting duty for his teenage daughter. Let’s just say, when Ariel gets her legs, Sebastian will nearly escape with his life from a chef who wants to make him a seafood dish. In this version, I have Madame Lulu describe what the Baudelaires have to look forward to.


“House of Freaks”

Sung by Olivia Caliban (as Madame Lulu)

You freaks appear rather desperate
To seek my humble estate

You say you’ve had a rough life
For you came to the right place

The crowd will sure like your corn act
Of which you can be assured

And that Chabo the Wolf Baby
Well, she’s just what I’m looking for

At House of Freaks, at House of Freaks
I bid you welcome
Hope we can be chums
Take it from me

We’ll take in mixed sex conjoined twins
Along with kids of man and beast trysts

Do the cob act in
With crowd reacting
At House of Freaks

Come on

Here is the freak show caravan
Will you all both eat and sleep

Your mates are Hugo, Colette, and Kevin
I hope you’re all thick as thieves

I give you free room and board here
Don’t ask me how you’ll be paid

So you might as well be grateful
That I let all you freaks to stay (uh-oh)

At House of Freaks, at House of Freaks
You sleep on hammocks
For your freak theater routine

Won’t you be grateful and rejoice
That I keep those like you all employed

Got money troubles, please don’t all mumble

At House of Freaks, at House of Freaks
We aim to please here
Please keep with me here

By day you’ll be on display
So you can mind the night away

You got your act here
Now go enact it at House of Freaks

Hugo puts the coats
Kevin uses both hands
Colette can contort
You’ve got a real class stand
Bev and El eat on the cob
Chabo use the claws
You’ll all make your big debut
The newt play the flute

Hugo has the hunch
Kevin’s ambidext
Colette can sure bend
Bev and El have two heads
Chabo is untamed
She’s got a fur face
And oh, she’s got those claws

At House of Freaks (At House of Freaks)
At House of Freaks (At House of Freaks)

Come on

At House of Freaks (At House of Freaks)
At House of Freaks (At House of Freaks)

Sorry to wake you
Want to acquaint you with new colleagues

They came to me so late at night
But be up around the first light

Glad you can come here
At caravan here
At House of Freaks

Don’t mind the hammocks
We are ecstatic
At House of Freaks
Enjoy your stay here
When on display here
Sorry to keep you hope you can sleep here
We’ll be in luck here
Here out in nowhere at House of Freaks



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