Along with alcohol, food is also among the many promoted items during the holiday season. After all, in the United States, Thanksgiving and Christmas are often marked with large feasts among families as well as parties among friends. And you can see this among the incessant holiday advertising on TV which seem to come earlier and earlier with each year. Then again, you find food ads everywhere these days since well, people have to eat in order to live. Yes, the food may not always be good for you or appealing. But hey, what do you know? Nevertheless, you find plenty of vintage food ads on the internet. Some of them might be artistic masterpieces like this Chat Noir above (which is a bistro restaurant in France). Some not so much for various reasons. Some might seem suggestive. Some might feature recipes not fit for human consumption. Some might contain rather misleading information. And some might consist of artwork that somehow pass as creepy. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of vintage food advertising for your unique tastes.
- Kids who eat their veggies might want a Jolly Green Giant rag doll.
Not sure what’s freakier, the girl’s terrifying expression or the 4ft green doll. Let’s just say a kid can do without one of these.
2. Pesci Vivi sells delectable fish.
Though seeing a fish chef cooking fish is kind of unsettling. Look I know fish eat other fish, but still.
3. Children always delight in eating Fig Newtons.
“Thanks, Mom, that’s what I need after a long day at school and drowning puppies in the nearby lake. You’re the best.”
4. Big Otis wants kids to eat Kellogg’s OKs.
Sure he may be a big burly Scotsman. But I’m sure Kellogg’s pulled him as a cereal spokesman once kids asked what he wore under his kilt.
5. With Bisquick, you can make your family this elegant tuna ring.
Sorry, but this dish looks really disgusting. And no, I really don’t want to eat it.
6. Meet your own Frankie Doodle Dandy with Swift’s Premium Franks.
By the way, Frankie Doodle Dandy is what some men named Frank call their penis. Okay, I made that up. But I couldn’t pass that one up.
7. Always eat Possum Sweet Potatoes.
Hate to break it, but possums are disgusting creatures. Seeing a few run over by cars, you’d agree with me.
8. No kid could resist Brach’s toffee.
First of all, Brach’s candy is terrible. Second, I bet the girl’s taking some candy that she’ll spike with poison to give to her friends.
9. Husbands always love anything with Heinz Ketchup on it.
Because Heinz Ketchup makes anything appetizing. Even corned beef, poached eggs, and hash browns.
10. Turn vegetables into a treat with Cheez Whiz.
By the way, it’s probably not real cheese. And it will not do wonders to your veggies nutritional value either.
11. Fry’s Chocolate always tastes so good.
But regardless of expression, that kid terrifies me. And I don’t think chocolate will calm him either.
12. Make your breakfast kid friendly with Wheatabix.
Also fine for snacks and supper, too. Though I hope the girl is sprinkling a spoonful of sugar, instead of arsenic. Though looking at her face, I wouldn’t know. Boy’s kind of creepy, too.
13. Campbell’s beef soup makes a manly dish.
Hearty it may be, but it’s hardly good for your arteries due to a high sodium content. Because Campbell’s Mmmm…mmm…salt.
14. With Pillsbury’s flower, you can make yourself a wagon wheel pie.
Think of it as your mother’s chicken pot pie. But more disgusting and unhealthy.
15. Firestix always lasts 23 minutes and costs 10 cents.
Though she’s supposed to be a wholesome kid. But she always takes her Firestix before going on a killing spree.
16. Don’t want to cook dinner, ladies? Take the family to KFC.
Apparently, Colonel Sanders is incredibly sexist. Thus, he calls his coronary inducing cuisine, “wife-savers.”
17. With Carnation Evaporated Milk, you can make delectable dinners like this.
You have to wonder whether people actually eat stuff like this back in the day. Because that’s a dish that will make you lose your appetite.
18. Sure it may not be very nutritious, but Rastus wants you to try Cream of Wheat.
I can see the racism on this ad as clear as day, especially in the text. But at least you have to admire the guy’s honesty. People will buy anything that’s good to eat and cheap.
19. “Sugar can be the willpower you need to undereat.”
Uh, I wouldn’t say that. But I guarantee too much of it can give you Type 2 Diabetes. Seriously, you might not want to eat ice cream before lunch.
20. As an assistant vice president, it’s your job to make the pudding.
Apparently, Jello doesn’t think women can understand office hierarchies. Also, the sexism is very plain to see.
21. “You don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy’s.”
Sure it may not be incredibly racist. But it’s still pretty bad on certain levels.
22. Always go for the Big Patch vegetables.
However, it seems that this kid’s family only works the farm. And his parents are paid wages so low they can’t afford to buy him a new pair of pants.
23. Ladies, buying canned food shouldn’t be shameful.
Still, canned foods aren’t very good for you since they’re preserved in a salty brine. But even that doesn’t detract the sexism in this ad.
24. With these canned foods, you can always diet with delight.
Not sure about that. But the girl in the can is really freaking me out. She seems like the stuff of nightmares for some reason.
25. Sugar Crips is post marked for happy eating.
Okay, the acrobatic bears might be weird. But I really have a bad feeling about that creepy girl looking at them. They better put on a good show or she’ll make sure they’ll never see the light of day again.
26. Hires’ Rootbeer is so good even the dogs will love it.
But that baby doesn’t seem too happy about that. Of course, hope Sparky enjoys his drink because that baby may have murder on the mind.
27. With Armour Treet, you can make these Johnny cake shortcakes.
I can see the heart attacks these shortcakes can cause. Also, they seem rather unappetizing to me.
28. Nothing keeps you warm like Cadbury’s Cocoa.
But once he’s done, he’ll get right back to torturing the neighbor’s cat. Because that’s what psycho kids do for fun.
29. As Art Linkletter noted, the Jolly Green Giant is a big man with the ladies.
Because women love a large green man who promotes vegetables wearing shoes and a short leaf dress. But at least he doesn’t have rage issues like the Incredible Hulk.
30. It’s always red magic time with Heinz Ketchup.
Oh, no, not the scary tomato guy! Please, take him away before he kills anyone!
31. You can’t have old-fashioned gingerbread without Brer Rabbit Molasses.
I’m sure they got the name Brer Rabbit for molasses from the tar baby story. Want to what happened to Brer Rabbit when he put his hands on one?
32. This Indian brave brings you Dippy Canoes.
Because cultural appropriation knows no bounds. Said to taste like Indian corn. Seriously, this guy’s a culture, not an advertising prop for God’s sake.
33. “Remember your first Baby Ruth?”
She may look excited to eat the candy. But mainly because she took it from the neighbor boy she previously threw down a well.
34. You can’t be beat with St. Louis corned beef.
Yet, having the cows with can bodies and walking upright is just freaky. Seriously, who the hell thought this was a good idea?
35. “Okay, pardner…reach for the Karo!”
For one, this half-naked baby cowboy is just lame. But he’s just as terrifying enough to induce nightmares.
36. Handle your hungry man with a can of Campbell’s soup.
Because nothing says manly eating like eating a soup with a high salt content. Campbells, mmmm….salt.
37. “Good things happen…when the lady of the house has soup for lunch.”
For if she doesn’t have her chicken noodle, she will chase you all over the neighborhood wielding a large cleaver. Because with Campbell’s it’s mmm…salt.
38. Trix is always made for kids.
“Mommy, after I eat my Trix, can I borrow your handgun to hunt down that silly rabbit? He’s been lurking in our yard for ages.”
39. Children will enjoy Stokley’s sugar peas.
For sugar peas always go well with the neighbor’s liver and onions. And I don’t mean the animal kind either.
40. Kids always want Log Cabin maple syrup.
Just watch theses kids look at the syrup on their waffles. Though they’d much prefer their breakfast to have blood of the innocents. But cannibalism is illegal.
41. With G. Washington’s Instant Coffee, even a man can make the perfect cup in 5 seconds.
As if men didn’t know how to make a cup of coffee in the 1950s. I’m sure they did and this ad is very sexist.
42. Treat your man right with Batchelor’s foods.
Yet, calling the guy a “guest husband” just wracks my head. Would a better word be “boyfriend?”
43. With Campell’s mushroom soup, you can make some tuna and waffles.
After all, when you’ve smoked pot all day, you’ll need something to satisfy the munchies. For God’s sake, waffles should only be for breakfast.
44. “Promise you’ll taste the nifty new Ritz!”
Because if you don’t, she’ll take you to her torture dungeon and hold you over a fiery it by your ankles. If you think I’m crazy, ask those who live to tell the tale.
45. Be vital and vigorous with Morrell E-Z Serve liver loaf.
Because nothing makes a family happy like liver. You know the kind of meat everyone ingests like foul tasting cold medicine.
46. Make it a festive party with Libby’s Juice Jamboree.
Though serving juice on a kid’s hat may not be good idea. Basically it’s an accident waiting to happen.
47. Kids dig Welch’s Cocoanut bar.
It’s basically a coconut chocolate bar which is disgusting. Still, if it keeps those kiddies from killing you, it might be worth buying.
48. Hire’s Rootbeer is the great health drink.
Yet, this little one will chase the cat with a knife once he’s done. So you might want to get Friskies in a safe place while you still can.
49. Men always love a raisin pudding pie.
Though he might have to be a sick psycho like this guy. Because raisins are turds made to resemble chocolate chips but aren’t.
50. If your husband yawns at the table, treat him to Heinz tomato soup.
Since when is yawning at the table a problem? Chances are the guy’s just tired after a long, stressful day at work. Not everything a guy does has to do with his wife’s actions.
51. California vegetables are always the aristocrats of the crop.
Because nothing says high class like a villain from a Dickens novel with a monocle and slasher smile. Seriously, I’m wondering if California vegetables used the face of Jack the Ripper in their ad campaigns.
52. You can’t make cakes without Dr. Price’s vanilla extract.
Though if you don’t give the maid her pay raise, she will spike this cake with rat poison. Just ask the last guy she worked for. Oh, wait you can’t.
53. With Might Dog, your pooch always receives the best.
Though Spot always takes his food seriously. Though he thinks wearing a chef’s hat and bib makes him look like a complete idiot.
54. “Are you woman enough to buy a man’s mustard?”
Now that’s a really stupid question. Seriously, why should that even matter? Mustard is mustard.
55. Pastificio S. Bonetti is oozing with prime pasta.
Look, I understand how Italians love their pasta. But I didn’t know they’d love it so much to be caught with it in a compromising position.
56. Kids will always enjoy Van Camp’s pork and beans.
Well, assuming your child is a budding psychokiller. I’m sure little Bobby will go back with setting the cat on fire after he’s done.
57. “Sugar keeps your energy up and your appetite down.”
Sorry, but sugar doesn’t help you lose weight. In fact, it might contribute to obesity, heart disease, and Type II diabetes.
58. Snag a man with Underwood deviled ham sandwiches.
Seriously? The sandwich case? Sorry, but a man can make his own damn sandwich. This is sexist on so many levels.
59. Whitman’s chocolates make a fine Mother’s Day gift.
From Relish: “This advertiser knew exactly how to distinguish Whitman’s chocolates: market the product as a gift your wife will give right back to you.” Bet the guy will get the ones the wife doesn’t like.
60. Get your kids to eat veggies with this Jolly Green Giant foot rug.
From Relish: “Are your kids eating their vegetables? If not, try giving them one of these fuzzy, green foot rugs to make them crave veggies! This unique attempt to make green beans and corn more fun is appreciated, but it is unlikely that a furry rug of a foot will make anything appetizing.”
61. “Nothing says party like a Sara Lee cake!”
From Relish: “Sara Lee knows what’s up—who needs friends when you have chocolate cake? Her face says it all: ‘I’m not going out because I have cake, and lots of it.’ Add sweatpants and Netflix and the party is complete.”
62. Go to the beach with your own Campbell’s can bag.
From Relish: “Nothing about hot Campbell’s soup makes us think about the beach, but that didn’t stop Campbell’s from turning their product into a portable beach bag.” Then again, the ocean is full of salt. And so is Campbell’s soup. Mmmm salt.
63. Velveeta is a full of health from milk.
From Relish: “Let’s get one thing straight—just because a product is made with a beneficial ingredient, does not make it healthy. Velveeta tries its best to be convincing here, but we’re not buying it.”
64. McDonald’s takes care of 55% of your daily protein needs.
However, that doesn’t means a McDonald’s meal is necessarily good for you. Because it isn’t.
65. Even babies enjoy Nestle’s condensed milk.
Because you don’t want to see this little one when she’s angry. Otherwise, she will make you pay with your life.
66. “Wouldn’t I be silly to make it myself?”
Well, considering that Campbell’s soups have high salt contents, then no. Still, I think the woman seems to have murder on the mind.
67. Someone wants another glass of Hires’ Rootbeer.
Don’t look now but I’m sure that baby might prefer to drink the blood of the innocents. But he’ll settle for rootbeer.
68. After the game, boys always relish in the joy of good eating with Van Camp’s pork and beans.
“I whacked the pitcher real good with my bat. He screamed like a little girl as I bludgeoned the living crap out of him. Never had so much fun in my life.”
69. Miss Sunbeam wants you to have some Sunbeam bread.
Because if you don’t, she’ll go into your house and murder you and your family. Sure she may look innocent. But she’s a murderous psychopath who will bring you a slow and painful death.
70. Always use Arm and Hammer baking soda on your delectable treats.
And yet, this one features a scary clown. Best to skip this frightening circus unless you’re into Stephen King. Because the clown could easily murder you.