Disclaimer: This post is not for those under the legal age of 21. Those over 21 please drink responsibly. Thank you. Okay I was just kidding with that one.
Whether you’re getting ready to celebrate the holidays, are trying to cope with the Trump administration, or have a beer with your friends during a big game, chances are you’re probably familiar with alcoholic drinks. Back in the day, our ancestors had somewhat different attitudes to booze depending on what kind of people they were. On one hand, you have temperance people who saw alcohol as terrible since it ruined families and the like. But on the other hand, you have people where alcohol is so integral to their culture that they see no problem with kids drinking beer. Or monks brewing beer in German monasteries like they did at Saint Vincent College. Anyway, it shouldn’t be any surprise why the major beer labels in America are German and from the Midwest. However, though Germans have a high value on beer, it’s not the only alcoholic beverage they drink since we also have German wines such Champagne and Zinfindel. Anyway, many of these vintage ads might echo rather antiquated ideas about our society nor have aged well at any stretch. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of booze ads from yesteryear.
- For bowling night, you’d always strike with Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Sure it might seem like a harmless bowling scene. Until you see that everyone in this has blue ribbon appendages. Then it’s just creepy.
2. Budweiser always gives you good times.
Now here’s a rather racist ad. Sure the black guy’s is supposed to be depicted as an eager servant. But looking at his imposing face he appears quite menacing. So I wouldn’t drink any of that beer if I were you.
3. Flirt Vodka can be quite appealing.
Though looking at her bruised knees, I don’t think this ad conveys a good message. Let’s hope she just had a party mishap.
4. Have a merry cherry with Kijafa, a Danish cherry wine.
Yet, the word “cherry” has an R-rated connotation that I can’t really discuss. But notice how that woman has mistletoe in her hand.
5. “‘Sweet’ on whiskey sours? Make your next drink Green River.”
But how he has such humongous hands is another matter. Seriously, they’re like totally out of proportion to his body.
6. Without Schlitz, you can’t have beer.
However, looking at the clown’s eyes, I suggest you give him some Schlitz now. Otherwise, he’ll get angry and kidnap your children.
7. Schlitz: the preeminent beer for clowns.
Sure this clown might be happy now. But once the booze wears off, he won’t be funny in the moonlight.
8. Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka is in the spirit of the Czar.
Sure vodka is associated with Russia. But Wolfschmidt seems kind of Germanic to me. Then again, Catherine the Great was a German aristocrat and plenty of czars had German ancestry. So it oddly fits.
9. Schlitz, the beer of choice for American cowboys.
Yet, Schlitz is the beer for male bonding after a long day at the ranch. Still, the bottom scene seems kind of like Brokeback Mountain to me.
10. On the slopes, grab a cold Heiney.
Yet, I’m not sure about those Heineken snow suits. One of the women looks kind of embarrassed that people would see her and think she resembles a can.
11. Bacardi Rum is what they serve in Hell.
Still, if you see this guy behind the glasses, you might want to take a drink. For he already seems disappointed in you. Might not want to anger him even further.
12. Anisetta Evangelisti is the perfect liquor for dessert. Just ask this chimp.
However, despite that people think chimps are funny and loveable, they can be quite nasty. Also, why the hell would you want a chimp drink booze?
13. Even King Kong drinks Miller beer.
Though it wouldn’t help him climb the Empire State Building. Or avoid airplanes. Now that I think of it, how could King Kong even grab a beer? That makes no sense.
14. Bacardi is the rum of America’s favorite cocktails.
But would you want a drink with this guy? Sure he might be okay, but the pervy stache doesn’t help matters.
15. Everyone’s calling it on Early Times whiskey.
How old are these baseball players supposed to be? Because I find it hard to think they’re 21 or over.
16. Gordon’s Gin contains medicinal properties.
Actually, Gordon’s or not, gin is the worst thing for your liver. Let’s just say taking it as medicine isn’t the smartest idea.
17. For real morning after relief, drink a Pluto highball.
So this ad states, if you want to relieve a hangover, drink more booze in the morning. Because chances are you’re probably an alcoholic at this point.
18. The secret to a great holiday party is lots of mistletoe and Seagram’s Extra Dry.
So basically, you can’t have a great Christmas party without tons of boozy sex. Not what I’d call drinking responsibly.
19. Pabst beer prepares for the joys of motherhood.
Actually, if you’re pregnant, you better stay away from the booze, especially during the first trimester. Because it puts the developing baby at risk for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
20. With a Heineken, even your beer gives you a beer.
Well, this is hard to explain. Someone must’ve been under the influence to come up with this.
21. O-fl Extract Malt always builds people up.
Look, I know kids are cute and cuteness sells. But putting a child next to a bottle of booze isn’t appropriate. Seriously, there’s a reason why the drinking age is 21.
22. Ballantine beer is the preeminent drink for those in horse costumes.
It’s one thing to put a weird horse in your ad. But knowing this horse consists of two guys in a costume is rather disturbing. Seriously, just pick either humans or animals.
23. Nothing makes a riverside picnic like Schlitz beer.
I don’t think the guy trying Schlitz isn’t glowing about the beer in this one. Seems like there’s more going on here.
24. Want to please your man, ladies? Serve him Budweiser.
Because it’s said Budweiser delights more husbands than any beer ever known. Also, his Inner Man craves booze.
25. Dare to be different with Suntory Royal Whiskey.
Though whether it means you should do Kabuki theater, is another question entirely. Yes, it looks badass but it’s part of Japanese culture. Yet, couldn’t they just come up with some other image?
26. Anhauser-Busch’s Malt Nutrine is the preeminent beer for nursing mothers.
Yes, this was back when they considered beer as a health food. But today, these beer companies would never cater their product to nursing moms.
27. Even mounted goats enjoy the taste of Schaefer’s Bock beer.
Let’s just say Dr. Seuss was young and needed the money. But compared to some of his political cartoons, this isn’t too bad.
28. As a velveted whiskey, Imperial is so much fun!
Okay, we all know that polar bears and penguins don’t coexist. But unlike the Coca Cola ads, this provides of good illustration on what a polar bear and penguin co-existence would be like. And so far, it doesn’t look good for the penguin.
29. E.T. likes to remind you to not drink and drive. “Phone home” instead.
Yet, having E.T. work at the bar really ruins your childhood. I mean could you imagine him telling drunks to “phone home” if they had too many? Also, couldn’t Coors use the cast of Cheers instead? At least that show’s about a bar.
30. You can’t beat the mellow taste of Ten High whiskey.
Is it just me or is this woman unnaturally tan? The guy kind of looks rather unsettling, too.
31. A Four Roses Gimlet is 4 parts vodka and 1 part elegance.
However, this woman in here doesn’t seem like she’s really enjoying herself. In fact, she seems like she wants to go home while her significant other doesn’t.
32. Always drink Cossack Vodka for the office party.
I guess this woman is a bit tipsy since she notes how she didn’t recognize Mr. Smithers’ green eyes. Also, what the hell is she wearing? That doesn’t look like office wear to me.
33. “How about a little Schenley, Ruth?”
Ruth, get the hell out of there! The guy doesn’t just want a drink with you. The description here just makes me cringe.
34. “I’d ride a mile for a Smirnoff martini.”
Maybe, but what’s that got to do with a camel in the middle of the road? Besides, couldn’t just drive or ride a bus? Or walk?
35. The Smirnoff Mule is the drink that is.
But if I was that young woman, I’d be wary around Woody Allen. Because we all know he’s a real creep.
36. “He loves my mind. And he drinks Johnny Walker.”
Really? What makes him drinking Johnny Walker so important to you? Other than getting paid for just saying that?
37. Never go on a boat ride without Cinzano.
So is this diver rescuing this woman from a rowboat? Since she seems rather tied up. Then again, that might explain why the two guys are lying on the beach. Still, forget the booze. I want what the woman’s laundry detergent. Seriously, how does she keep her dress so clean?
38. Pernod is perfect for any pool party.
After all, Thing needs a vacation from the Addams Family once in awhile. So let him poor some booze on that woman if he wants to.
39. Champagne de la Jarretiere always brings people together.
Still, I wouldn’t want an old man grabbing at my garter. Sure he might have money, but still..
40. There’s nothing like Quina Marra.
However, I’m not sure why this woman’s having a drink with Mr. Pervo here. Unless she’s planning on getting him to pass out before she clears the premises.
41. You can’t go wrong with Rhum of the Incas.
First, Incas didn’t ride horses. Second, that looks more like a contestant from RuPaul’s Drag Race than anything from a Pre-Columbian culture in South America.
42. It’s always cheery with a Cherry Rocher Liqueur.
Though I’d wonder why this woman’s in a bird costume on a tree. Then again, nobody would be sober in her situation.
43. No man could resist the taste of Birra-Metzger-Torino.
You’d almost think this woman wants the guy she’s with die from liver cirrhosis. Cause from how he’s drinking, he’s most likely not driving the carriage that night.
44. Even great men like Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln approve of Johnny Walker.
From The Fix: “The hundred-foot visages of Roosevelt and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore—both of them paragons of virtue and wisdom—seem to be telekinetically talking to one another about a President whose face will soon be joining them. Whose face will be carved into the mountain is less important than the fact that they approve of the fact that he drinks Johnny Walker. The ad somehow manages to reduce the enormity of their legacy to something far smaller and silly. “
45. “Whatever you’ve got going…keep it going with J&B.”
Perhaps The Fix might explain this one better: “You can airbrush the 70s, but you can’t airbrush out the era’s creepy overtones. Half of this ad is dedicated to hands cupping what we have to assume is a mistress’s face. At first glance, it’s a fairly simple, innocent image. That’s before you start to peel back the crazy layers of control and illicitness going on. And J&B implores you to be part of every extramarital affair. No judgment. J&B doesn’t care what you do or who you do it with. It just wants to be there.”
46. Guys, always bring some White Horse Whiskey when going to a bachelorette pad.
Because nothing turns on boozy bachelorettes like “good guy” bringing White Horse Whiskey. Then again, perhaps flowers would be more appropriate? Or why not bring a couple of friends with you?
47. Enjoy the great taste of G.A. Jourde Bordeaux.
I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel this way when they drink. Though that doesn’t mean they’ll frolic around grapes.
48. Cordial Topaze is so great, this clown bought in bulk.
Because he’s every bit a creepy clown and an alcoholic. And he feels no shame about it.
49. Old French aristocrats always keep their Champagne stock in check in the middle of the night.
Then again, going down to your wine cellar at night might not be a good thing. Then again, he probably has a lot of parties going on.
50. This waitress always serves Braustube Hurlimann beer.
Looking at her, she knows that serving booze to customers gives her good tips. So the more drunk her customers are the better.
51. Squeeze all you can out of life with Seagram’s.
However, the man here’s worried he might eventually fade into a scene with scuba divers. So he’s not very pleased.
52. You need not be a slave to fashion with Smirnoff.
Though if you wear outfits like these, they might think you’re dressed for a Star Trek convention. Seriously, those have tacky 1960s all over them.
53. Smirnoff sour always has lemons and all that jazz.
Yet, why do they have black and white figures having a better time than the figures on the beach is beyond me. Kind of disturbs me for some reason.
54. Old Hickory Bourbon is simply magnificent.
So when the time is right, you can have a drink with your sweetheart before doing the nasty. From the woman’s eyes, and her pantyhose around his neck, you can guess where this is going.
55. Is it proper to boodle under the mistletoe or before guests arrive?
Guess it depends if you mean drinking Boodles Gin. Though it could just as easily mean sex. Either way, it depends on the party and I’ll leave it at that.
56. A Smirnoff Horse Shot is all you need at a ski lodge.
Still, they don’t just seem like cleaning skis to me. Might want to clear out before this goes any further.
57. A Bitter Pastore Milano is always a treat.
Guy kind of seems like he’s whispering something to the woman. Woman’s listening but would rather be somewhere else right now.
58. Drink a Smirnoff Hot Adam’s Apple while decorating for the holidays.
Though you’d pretty much have to be drunk to dress up that penguin. Then again, it might be a present they’re wrapping and not sure how.
59. Maker’s Mark always has a great body, compared to some guy’s girlfriend.
Talk about a blatantly sexist ad. Seriously, we shouldn’t be comparing women’s bodies to booze.
60. Enjoy the difference with Schlitz.
Though if I was on a date and a guy made that face while serving drinks, I’d get the hell out of there. A night with him could culminate into “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”
61. Working hard in the garage? Pour some Budweiser.
Though I don’t think tools and booze make a good mix. Perhaps that might have to do with how alcohol inhibits mind body coordination. Or something else.
62. Carioca Rum makes every drink sing.
Yet, the guy on the bongos has a crazed look on his face suggesting he’s high. Hope he doesn’t go to close to the fire.
63. It’s always Scotch time with Johnny Walker.
But a guy dressed from the 1800s strutting in front of a bunch of guys in suit, that’s another question. Why they’re not fazed by it, I have no idea.
64. Wolfschmidt’s great for drinking while underwater.
As to why anyone would drink alcohol while scuba diving is beyond me. Seriously, I don’t even think that’s safe.
65. The green demon always goes for Maurin.
Yes, it’s a demonic character with a bottle of booze. And it will give you nightmares.
66. Smirnoff vodka always makes a great gift.
Yet, why have a woman covered in gift wrap just baffles me. Seriously why?
67. They’re always serving Paul Jones.
Okay, this is racist from the get-go and the white guys’ outfits don’t really help matters. Because though it might evoke a plantation setting, we all know who consisted of their labor force. And it’s why plantation weddings don’t have a great reputation.
68. You’ll always get the goats with Iron City Bock Beer.
Sure the goat might seem creepy as hell. So you really don’t want this one to but in while under the influence.
69. For pleasant moments, drink PM whiskey during the game.
After all, why should you worry about these leatherheads getting traumatic brain injuries? Seriously, you think today’s players have concussions? Also, you don’t drink whisky during a game. You drink beer.
70. Even Charles Dickens drank J&B Whiskey.
You know the guy who wrote A Christmas Carol and A Tale of Two Cities? Nevertheless, despite being a literary prowess, he’d desert his family for an 18 year old actress and was a dick to his wife.