Yes, the 4th of July is a very significant holiday in the US that celebrates the birthday of a nation or the closest thing to it. As you might recall, back in the day, people used to send greeting cards to each other on certain holidays. And in America, the 4th of July would be one of these. Some of these cards might be of the patriotic spirit with American flags, the Statue of Liberty, George Washington, and other pieces of Americana. Some show photos of 4th of July events in their hometown. Yet, while I can show you some of the great 4th of July greeting cards out there, you might be bored to tears. So instead, I’ll show vintage cards that might make you cringe or think they’re unintentionally funny in some sick sort of way. Many of these will pertain to parents’ worst nightmares like depictions of kids holding weapons and fireworks. So sit back and relax this Independence Day with these Yankee Doodle Dandy greeting cards. Or not.
- “I’m just going to shoot off some fireworks. Want to join me?”
I have a bad feeling about this. You should never let anywhere near kids and explosives (save sparklers but even then). And I know those have much more dangerous than sparklers.
2. “Day of Flags and Cannon and Jubilee! Guarded well, gloried in. So may forever be.”
Whoever thought of trusting a child with guarding fireworks should be charged with child endangerment. Seriously, where are this kid’s parents for God’s sake?
3. The Dog: “I think I’d better skidoo – mother always told me never to accept candy from strangers.”
Don’t tell me what that kid’s about to do to that dog. Also, what the hell is in that dog’s mouth? Hope it’s not a firecracker.
4. “United We Stand: A Glorious Fourth.”
Oh, great, a kid’s holding a sword. And I don’t think it’s a toy sword at that. Not sure how this playtime could end badly. Oh, wait, I am.
5. “The grand old story of a day of fadeless glory.”
I have a bad feeling about what that kid is going to do with the fireworks. Hope he doesn’t plan to blow up a neighbor’s house. Still, kids shouldn’t have access to explosives. They’re dangerous.
6. Sometimes it’s said that the Zambellis started their kids on fireworks at a young age.
However, this is utterly ridiculous. Even teenagers shouldn’t be around fireworks for God’s sake, let alone babies. Seriously, what the hell?
7. With the sound of a cannon and gun marks the star of fireworks fun.
When I look at this, I hope the guns are full of blanks and the fireworks near him don’t get lit. Because he might end up coming to a very bad end if either aren’t the case.
8. There’s nothing more glorious on the 4th of July than riding a firework in the sky.
For one, that girl looks quite creepy and her mouth is askew. Also, when that firecracker goes off, there’s a chance she’ll never be in one piece again. Yet, I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.
9. “Oh, where heads a foot, that would falter for thee!”
Let me see, this boy is surrounded by lit fireworks and a cannon. And he’s holding a gun. If I was in his place, I’d be screaming my head off. But he’s smiling. Doesn’t look right.
10. The 4th of July has always been a day of jubilation.
However, I’d find it very difficult to dance for joy if everything nearby me was exploding. But this girl doesn’t seem to have that problem, which greatly disturbs me.
11. “Greetings from a Patriot.”
Is it just me or is that woman literally on fire? And why doesn’t she seem the slightest bit fazed by it or screaming her head off? Like a normal person would.
12. It’s always such a sight to see everything go Kaboom! on the 4th of July.
I know that kid is supposed to be in awe of the fireworks. But I think he’s practically shitting his pants at the moment because he’s surrounded by explosives. Assuming that he’s actually sane.
13. “The day we celebrate.”
And that kid is holding a sword while being draped with an American flag. Reading his face, he may have an idea about using it which should be of great concern to his parents.
14. “How to prevent your boy from being killed on the Fourth of July – kill him on the third.”
And that, my friend, is the most fucked up piece of medical advice I’ve ever heard. Seriously, that doctor is clearly insane and it doesn’t help that a kid is being blown up by fireworks either.
15. A great 4th of July has fireworks all around.
However, this doesn’t mean kids should be near them. Because these two are in really terrible danger at the moment. It also doesn’t help that both kids are holding fireworks in their hands as if they’re toys. They’re not.
16. This 4th of July, capture the spirit of 1776.
And I wonder how long it took for this little George Washington to shoot up “July 4.” Because a Continental Army musket is the farthest thing from an automatic rifle.
17. With the 4th of July, there’s festivities all around.
But this doesn’t mean that children should have access to weapons or explosives. Because they’re very dangerous and aren’t toys in the slightest bit.
18. Fireworks on the 4th of July mean festive fun all around.
However, this doesn’t mean kids should get a hold of fireworks or weapons. That boy at the top already has one lit which makes it only a matter of time before he gets blown up. Seriously, who the hell thought this card was a good idea?
19. “Wishing you a glorious 4th.”
Now even bears have fireworks in these vintage cards. And he doesn’t seem to have a good intention about using them either.
20. The 4th of July always has a great fireworks spectacle in the night sky.
Yet, these kids are happily sitting with lit fireworks when they shouldn’t. Also, they’re kind of creeping me out with their smiles.
21. The 4th of July is a day of celebration.
And this boy is about to accidentally blow himself up. Seriously, no parent should ever allow their kid near matches or explosives for obvious reasons.
22. It’s not the 4th of July without a fireworks spectacle.
And despite the boy’s smiling, he doesn’t have much time left in this world. Mostly because the explosives around him are all lit. And he has his face surrounded by a firecracker 4.
23. “All right, let er’ rip!”
If I were that girl, the possibility of hearing loss wouldn’t be biggest concern at the moment. I’d be more worried about surviving my 4th of July in one piece.
24. And here’s another 4th of July greeting.
Well, at least these two are expressing genuine fear. But they don’t seem to be running like hell. Because it’s not safe to be near explosives at close range.
25. May your 4th of July begin and end with a bang.
Again with the kids handling explosives? Seriously, not letting kids near them should be blatantly obvious to parents. You don’t want kids coming close to blowing themselves up.
26. Nothing makes a great 4th of July than seeing Uncle Sam’s head on fire.
From Babble: “This just looks dangerous. Here a headless Uncle Sam is surrounded by fireworks with a bold Hurrah! Hurrah!”
27. Always start your 4th of July with a blast from a cannon.
Now that’s a great way to cause permanent hearing loss. Yeah, have kids loading and lighting cannons with no hearing protection whatsoever.
28. If there’s nothing exploding on the 4th of July, then it’s not a celebration.
And again, a boy is surrounded by explosives and weapons. But no one is giving a damn as always in these cards. Not even Uncle Sam himself if he counts as adult supervision.
29. “Golly! Didn’t we have a high old time on the 4th.”
From Babble: “I would like to know how the dog ended up wearing a parachute. The bell and the fireworks, they make sense. The dog? Not so much.”
30. There’s nothing better on the 4th of July than dancing and holding lit fireworks in your hands.
Remember, anyone who does this on the 4th of July will find themselves in the hospital with severe burns, if they’re lucky. Otherwise, doing this on the 4th might result in your last day on earth.
31. You can’t have a great 4th of July without harassing the cat.
At least the cat is smart for its running for its dear life. Still, this is just cruelty toward animals on a whole new level.
32. Remember, if you’re near a lit firecracker run away as fast as you can.
Well, at least this one addresses fireworks safety and shows someone running away. However, is the scary firecracker face necessary?
33. There’s nothing more spectacular on the 4th of July than a fireworks wheel.
And this boy has his hands on it with glee. Really not a safe way to spend your 4th of July at any age. Again, where the hell are his parents?
34. The 4th of July is a day when we celebrate the Constitution of Independence.
Actually it’s the “Declaration of Independence” not “Constitution of Independence” which never existed. Obviously, this card designer knows nothing on American history or civics.
35. Remember, 4th of July isn’t a time for fireworks pranks.
Of course, this one severely underestimates the risk of explosives. IT’s a wonder why this woman’s legs haven’t blown off, yet.
36. Take a picture of your kid before the 4th because he may not be around after.
Uh, how about you just keep your kid away from setting off fireworks entirely? Because that would be more responsible parenting and keeps him from being blown up to kingdom come. Seriously, why?
37. It’s all fun and games until the dog gets a hold of a lit firecracker.
Uh, ya think? Yeah, I think it’s dangerous for dogs to get a hold of lit firecrackers. I’d also say the same for children, too.
38. Setting off fireworks is the thing to do this 4th of July.
Oh, God, don’t tell me these kids are about to set off fireworks. Seriously, did these parents ever teach them some common sense? Or are they severely lacking in that department?
39. “I just raised the ‘ante.'”
Remember, kids, setting off a firecracker under a person’s chair as a prank is a horrible idea. I mean, it’s a wonder if the house doesn’t blow up or he doesn’t get anyone killed.
40. Happy 4th of July courtesy of firecracker Uncle Sam.
Now that looks quite terrifying if you ask me. Also don’t like how he’s holding firecracker strings on each hand.
41. How about a firework for old Uncle Sam?
From Babble: “It looks like Uncle Sam is about to set her hair on fire.” Wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.
42. Even monkeys know how to have fun on the 4th of July.
Since when do they let monkeys handle fireworks? This is dangerous enough for adults to do for God’s sake.
43. The 4th of July is always a glorious celebration with fireworks.
But this doesn’t mean that kids should be waving the flag near them. Because they shouldn’t. Nor they should be near weapons either.
44. The 4th of July is always a great day for a budding pyromaniac.
Of course, he should consider himself lucky that he got a way with a lost eye. Not sure about his cat though.
45. Hope you have a happy 4th of July in the USA.
From Just a Bunch of Stuff: “Shudder. This girl creeps me OUT. She looks like a cross between Angelica from the Rugrats and Nellie Olsen. I have a feeling she intends to destroy a small town with those fireworks.”
46. Happy 4th of July to all our brave men and women in uniform.
From Just a Bunch of Stuff: “First of all, this is a real crap parade. And, where did they find identical quintuplets who owned sailor suits?”
47. Wish you a grand 4th of July from up in the air.
From Just a Bunch of Stuff: “I don’t know about you, but my ideal July 4th vehicle doesn’t involve something that resembles the Hindenberg or a pencil.” Has a point since there’s a bunch of stuff exploding in the sky that night. So maybe a blimp or hot air balloon ride on the 4th isn’t such a great idea.
48. “What are you laughing at?”
Okay, someone shoved a firecracker down a guy’s pocket. That can’t be good. Also, I think one of these kids is a racist caricature, too which poses another problem.
49. “Come here, doggie. Nice doggie.”
Please don’t tell me they’re going to set off fireworks near the dog. I can understand why the pooch is reasonably afraid. Because I would, too, if I was in that situation.
50. Of course, we all know what happens after the 4th of July fireworks festivities.
That’s right, the lucky idiots usually end up like that in the hospital. The unlucky ones might end up in a morgue.