Olympic Sports from Ancient Greece

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This August, athletes will gather around the world at Rio de Janeiro for the 2016 Olympic Games, well, the ones who aren’t dissuaded from coming by fears pertaining to lack first respondents at the premises, Zika virus, pollution, and all the other ugly stuff going on in Brazil at the moment. Way before we had the modern Olympic Games of today, there were those of Ancient Greece. The first recorded Olympic Games in history was held at Olympia in 776 BCE which only featured one event, a foot race across the stadium. The first Olympic Champion was a cook and baker named Koroibos of Elis and from then on, every victor was recorded and each Olympiad after them. This gave us the first accurate chronology of the Greek world. However, whether this was the first Olympic Games in history will never be known. As to how they got started is a mystery. And it doesn’t help that Greek mythology isn’t noted for its consistency. Some attribute the origins to Zeus celebrating his victory over his father Kronos. Others attribute them to Pelops in honor of his father-in-law Oinomaos. Another legend attributes their founding to the famous Greek mythological hero Heracles (or Hercules as you know him). At any rate, organized athletic competitions already existed in both the Minoan and Mycenaean civilizations even if their sporting events were originally associated with funeral rituals, particularly those who’ve fallen in battle like the games of Patrolcus in Homer’s Iliad (organized by Achilles, no doubt). Nevertheless, every 4 years, people from all over Greece and beyond would flock to the sacred city of Olympia whether they be athletes seeking a prize, spectators, trainers, officials, and what not. When a 19th century French aristocrat named Baron Pierre de Coubertin decided to found the International Olympic Committee and restore to the Olympic Games, he intended to restore the games to as close to the Greek spirit as possible but without the religious elements, banning women from watching, and nudity. Yet, de Coubertain’s view of the Ancient Greek Olympics was kind of romanticized and sometimes unfair as best seen when Jim Thorpe was stripped of his medals because he played semi-pro sports (while the athletes were supposed to be amateurs). Meanwhile, the Ancient Greeks? They didn’t even have a designation on amateur or pro in their vocabulary. Nevertheless, the Olympic Games were quite different in Ancient Greece from the ones we’re used to.

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Here’s a close visual approximation on what Ancient Olympia might’ve looked like. But during antiquity, this would be where the Olympic Games were held every 4 years to honor the king of the gods Zeus.

Differences from the modern Olympic Games in general:

  1. It is only one of the Panhellenic Games in Ancient Greece with the quadrennial Pythian as well as the biennial Nemean and Isthmian. All these were sports festivals of Ancient Greek religious significance including the Olympics. However, the Olympics would remain the most prestigious of the four and best remembered.
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Here’s an artist’s depiction on the Statue of Zeus in his Olympia temple. He was the chief deity of the Greek gods who threw lightning bolts whenever pissed as well as couldn’t keep it in his pants.

2. It was a sports festival to honor Zeus and always took place at the sanctuary of Zeus in Olympia from 700 BCE. And it was because of this that they were suppressed by Roman Emperor Theodosius in 394 as part of a campaign to impose Christianity as the state religion of the Roman Empire.

3. Greek city states marked this occasion with a 3 month Olympic Truce so athletes could travel to the Games in safety when there would be no war or battles and no capital punishment. Violation of that truce consisted of fines. Yet, city states would also use the Olympic Games as a political tool to assert dominance over their rivals as well as later spread Hellenic culture throughout the Mediterranean.

4. Also featured religious celebrations as well as art competitions.

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Here is an olive wreath. Wreaths like these would be bestowed as prizes to Olympic victors along with an etching of their name to the winners roll (except for jockeys and charioteers). Further prizes bestowed on them would depending on their city-state of origin though they’d receive a hero’s welcome and other perks.

5. Prizes were only given to victors which consisted of olive leaf wreaths or crowns as well as other rewards from their home city states (Athenian Olympic winners could have a free meal in the City Hall every day for the rest of their lives as well as a substantial amount of cash). Chariot drivers only received red woolen ribbons worn on the upper arms or around the head while the horse owner received the crown. No Olympic medals in gold, silver, or bronze.

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Here is a hanging of the kind of Olympic events you’d see in Ancient Greece. These included sports in the Pentathlon, Track, Combat, and Equestrian.

6. Had fewer events and lasted for 5 days during the summer at the first full moon after the summer solstice (like mid-July). There were no winter events. However, athletes had to arrive one month before the games and had to declare that they’ve been training for at least 10 months.

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Despite that women weren’t allowed to even watch the Olympic Games in Ancient Greece under penalty of being thrown off Mt. Typaion (well, at least married women anyway), here you see women in Grecian dress at the most recent Olympic torch ceremony at the ruins of Olympia. I’ll get to the torch part later.

7. Only freeborn Greek men and boys who were citizens from Greek city states were allowed to participate (as long as they had a clean record, didn’t defile any temples, or violate the Olympic Truce). Married women weren’t even allowed to watch on penalty of death via being thrown off Mt. Typaion (though they could enter their horses in the equestrian events as well as chariot teams. But they couldn’t drive the chariot themselves. But men who were foreign born and slaves could and did. Also, unmarried girls could watch as well as the Demeter Chamyne priestess). However, ladies can compete, organize, and officiate in the Hera Games as long as they weren’t married but these consists of foot races, chariot racing, wrestling, and dances.

Training

Unless they were in the hoplite races or the equestrian events, Ancient Greek Olympic athletes usually performed naked. It was part of the Olympic dress code. Yes, I know it’s kind of weird but it’s an Ancient Greek thing.

8. Athletes competed in the nude unless noted otherwise. Exceptions were hoplite racers (who competed in armor) as well as jockeys and charioteers (for obvious safety reasons). Trainers were required to be nude after an athlete’s mother tried to pass herself off as one (but wasn’t executed because she was from a prominent Olympic family).

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Despite the association of lit torches with the Olympics, the Ancient Greeks had no Olympic torch relay. Other Ancient Greek sporting events did, however, including Athens.

9. There was no torch relay (though other Panhellenic Games did have torch relays in their other athletic festivals, including those at Athens).

10. Events were supervised by trained judges from Elis, the Hellanodikai (or agonothetai) who also had various assistants such as the alytai (police officers or referees). Originally these were inherited positions but they were later chosen by lot. They also had the power to disqualify, sort separate the men athletes from the boys (usually by physical appearance), and fine athletes for rule infringement. These guys wore purple cloaks and had special seats of honor in the stadium. Their decisions could never be revoked but they were subject to a council of elders and could be fined if any athlete successfully appealed.

11. Penalties for rule breaking ranged from exclusion and fines to flogging. Fines were paid to the sanctuary and the wronged athlete. But if an offender could not afford to pay the fine, then the city absorbed the penalty or else faced exclusion from the next Olympic Games.

The Greeks Played Naked for the Sake of Beauty

Just a bunch of guys training in the Olympics. Note how most of them have toned bodies like you’d see from 300. Don’t think that’s realistic. Come on.

12. First day consisted of an opening ceremony, judges and athletes taking oaths, competitor registration and scheduling, as well as sacrifice presentations to the gods. Second day consisted of the equestrian events and pentathlon before ending with honor the shrine of Pelops and a parade at the sanctuary of Zeus that included feasting and revelry. Third day had arrival of judges, ambassadors, competitors and Great Altar sacrificial animals, afternoon running races, and a public banquet at the Prytaneion. Fourth day was devoted to combat sports which ended with the hoplite race. And the fifth day was devoted to the closing ceremony.

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While there is an Ancient Greek legend of the first marathon of a messenger running a great distance to inform the leaders of their victory there before collapsing and dying, there was no Ancient Greek Olympic Marathon. Because Ancient Greek athletes weren’t that crazy to run 26 miles.

13. Despite the name having Greek origins as well as a famous story to go with it from the Persian Wars, there was no Olympic marathon.

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Sure this is from the chariot scene in the 1959 Ben Hur which takes place in Ancient Roman times and in 1st century Palestine. However, this is a very historically accurate portrayal on what ancient equestrian events were like. Ancient Greek Olympic chariot racing wouldn’t have been much different since it was a very violent sport with most races experiencing at least one crash and fatalities weren’t unheard of. Ancient chariot races would make today’s auto races seem like mere tea parties.

14. Equestrian events took place in the Hippodrome and were the province of the elite who can afford to equip and maintain horses and a chariot as well as cover the costs of trainers and the charioteer or jockey (who were usually paid servants, family members, or slaves). Only the owners received the olive wreaths and Altis statues, not the athletes. Yet, unlike the equestrian events of today, they appealed to the less than idealistic spectator instincts like “shock value TV” nowadays. Most of the fascination was predicated by their violent nature with the races being quite dangerous and sometimes fatal (think of the Ben Hur chariot race scene. Most chariot races had at least 1 crash per race). Collisions, crashes, and horse wrecks were common, especially near the critical turning post. Equestrian race lengths were grueling distances.

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And here’s another picture from the chariot scene in Ben Hur. Notice how Judah knocked Messala off his chariot away from the spiked wheel which means he’s likely going to die sometime later. Ancient Greek Olympic chariot racing was quite similar in its violence. And the violence in these equestrian events contributed to the entertainment value. Remember these sports weren’t for wimps.

15. Athletes caught cheating had to build a statue of themselves and engrave their name on it so that the city people would know who might cheat in life. These statues were called Zanes.

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Like the Roman chariot race scene in Ben Hur, cheating was also frequent in the Ancient Greek Olympics. However, while those caught cheating had to engrave their names on a Zane statue, they were never made to forfeit their winnings. Just a bad reputation. Yeah, I know it’s pretty awful but a winner was a winner in Ancient Greece even if he was corrupt. Like Tom Brady and the New England Patriots which won 4 Super Bowls.

16. If a winner was caught cheating, he was never made to give up his winnings despite his corruption. Nevertheless, cheating was very common in these games with other participants tampering with other athletes’ equipment, bribing officials, or making them fall during a chariot race (again think of Ben Hur with Messala’s metal spike on his wheel that would basically grind into his rivals’ wheels and cause them to wreck. However, given that Messala is an aristocrat and an officer, it’s very unlikely that he’d be driving his own chariot. Chances are he’d hire someone to drive it for him).

17. No measurements were recorded of the length pertaining to a jump, discus, or javelin throw. No times were kept for the running events. But winners’ names might be recorded but they wouldn’t be considered record holders. Because breaking records wasn’t a thing.

Ancient boxing

This is probably not an Ancient Greek Olympic event depiction due to a female presence. Yet, while modern combat sports match contenders through weight classes, this wasn’t the case in Ancient Greece. During their Olympics, people were matched up according to lot, though the unluckier athletes had a chance to forfeit.

18. Combatants were matched to each other by matching lots before each round. Unlucky athletes matched up against a much stronger opponent usually had the opportunity to withdraw before it was too late to avoid serious injury.

19. Runners and horse racers were sorted into their names by lot.

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And here are the ruins of what’s left of the Temple of Zeus in Olympia. It’s said to be one of the 7 Wonders of the Ancient world according to Herodotus.

The events were also quite different in the Ancient Greek Olympic Games. Sure we have some of these events in our modern Olympics, but they’re not quite conducted like nowadays. Some of them are not on the modern Olympic sports roster due to obvious reasons like safety and cruelty to animals. Other events you see in the modern Olympic Games were either not known in Greece at the time or even invented.

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This is what’s left of the Olympia stadium which hosted the Ancient Greek Olympics. At one time, it could hold about 45,000 spectators (and not a single woman among them, well, as far as the rules are concerned).

Greek Olympic Events:

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Olympic victors in Ancient Greece would become instant celebrities and were celebrated like heroes in their home town. Here is a victor being bestowed an olive wreath from Nike, the Greek goddess of victory.

Track:

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Track events were a long time staple of the Ancient Greek Olympics, which hosted 4 of these. These include 3 races of varying distances as well as a hoplite race where participants were clad in armor.

  1. Stadion – From Olympic Legacy: “The “stadion” was a simple sprint from one end of the stadium to the other, a distance of 600 feet (192.27 meters). This premiere competition of the ancient Olympics was the only event for the first thirteen Olympiads and was never omitted from the program in a millennium. In addition, the stadion became part of the pentathlon when it was introduced in 708 BC.”
  2. Diaulos- From Olympic Legacy: “At 1,200 feet (384.54 meters), the “diaulos” was double the length of the stadion. This second-oldest event was run in a straight line from one end of the stadium to the other and back, rather than in an elliptical lap, as we do today.”
  3. Dolichos- From Olympic Legacy: “Although the exact distance that “dolichos” runner had to traverse is not clear, it is known that this was a lengthy race, requiring great endurance. It is possible that the length was 24 stadia, or 14, 400 feet (4,615 meters).”
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The Hoplitodromos was usually the grand finale of each Ancient Greek Olympic Games. This consisted of athletes running 1,200 ft across the stadium in full hoplite armor. And yes, it was probably not comfortable to do that in mid-July, especially in Greece.

4. Hoplitodromos- From Olympic Legacy: “This theatrical event was the grand finale of each Olympiad. Participants raced the length of a diaulos (1,200 feet / 384.54 meters) with helmet, greaves (lower-leg armor), and a round shield. This militaristic closing event was a reminder that the Olympic truce was almost over.” These were the only runners who didn’t compete in the buff but this was probably not pleasant for the athletes. Think of the armor coming off loose, men tripping and falling, as well as other crowd pleasing chaos.

Pentathlon:

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In Ancient Greece, the Pentathlon was a major spectacle that consisted of 5 events like 200m dash, javelin, long jump, discus, and wrestling. Nowadays, discus, javelin, and long jump are considered separate events. Not so in Ancient Greece.

  1. Pentathlon- From Olympic Legacy: “The pentathlon consisted of five competitions. The 200-meter dash ( [stadion] ) and [wrestling] were events in their own right, but the remaining events (long jump, discus, and javelin) were only part of the pentathlon competition. Unfortunately, little is known about the order of competition, rules, or how a winner was determined. It is certain, however, that pentathletes (who were greatly admired in antiquity) must have possessed incredible endurance in order to compete in five events in one afternoon. Although it is not known who invented it or how it originated, we do know it was a very popular event.”
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Unlike its modern counterpart, the Ancient Greek Olympic long jump was quite different. For instance, pentathlon athletes used small weights on each hand to pull this off. It wasn’t easy to accomplish.

6. Long Jump- From Olympic Legacy: “The most significant difference between the ancient long jump and its modern cousin is in the use of jumping weights called “halteres.” These small weights held in each hand were swung forward with great force as the jump was launched to propel the jumper forward as much as possible. They would then be swung back and down just before landing. This technically challenging feat was often performed to the accompaniment of flute music, which helped the athlete to maintain the necessary rhythm and spilt-second timing. The jumps took place in a rectangular sand pit in the stadium, with a small take-off ramp on one side. It is unknown whether the long-jump of antiquity was a single, double, or even triple jump.”

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Here’s a an Ancient Greek sculpture of an Olympic discus thrower. Unlike today’s throwers, pentathlon athletes back in Olympia probably threw no further than with a 3/4 turn. The discus itself was either made of stone or metal.

7. Discus- From Olympic Legacy: “This curious sport lives on in the modern Games. The graceful poses of ancient throwers were almost the same as those of today, except that it is likely the ancient athlete made no more than a three-quarter turn, in contrast to the full spins that are standard technique today. Very little is known about the length of throws in those days, although any figure would have little meaning without knowing the weight of the discus that was thrown. Discuses, which were made of stone or metal, were often marked with inscriptions. The terms of the ancient Olympic truce were engraved on a discus and displayed in the Altis.”

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Ancient Greek pentathlon athletes used a leather throng to fling the javelin. It helped if the athlete had military training because soldiers relied heavily on javelins as an offensive weapon.

8. Javelin- From Olympic Legacy: “This event is another example of the traditions that live on the Games of today. In ancient times, this was not a idle sport—warriors relied heavily on the javelin as an offensive weapon. The only real difference between the ancient and modern versions of this event is the use of the “anklye”—a leather thong used to fling the javelin. This strap, which was wound around the shaft and held by its free end, unwound as the spear was thrown, making the javelin spin and ensuring a steady flight.”

 

Combat:

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Here’s a painting depicting an Olympic wrestling match from Ancient Greece. I know it involves a couple of naked guys going at it which I’m aware will upset parents and Bible Belt Christians. But this is what Ancient Greek combat sports were like. I’m trying to enlighten people here.

  1. Wrestling- From Olympic Legacy: “Matches were held in an area filled with sand. Once a match began, it continued without interval until one man had thrown his opponent three times (touching the ground with the back, shoulders, or hip constituted a fall). There were no divisions by weigh, and the bigger men tended to win. Contestants were allowed to trip, but not to bite, gouge, or punch. Over the years, the variety of holds and tricks grew in number and sophistication. Wrestling became the final event of the pentathlon when it was introduced in 708 BC.”
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Here’s an Ancient Greek sculpture of an Olympic boxer. Boxing was one of the most brutal sports at the time. And participants often ended up disfigured (since most boxers bashed each other’s heads). Too bad the leather straps didn’t offer much protection.

10. Boxing- From Olympic Legacy: “Although ancient boxing is similar to its modern counterpart, matches were not conducted in a roped-off ring and there were no breaks and no time limit. Victory was declared when one opponent was knocked out or conceded the contest. No wrestling or holding were allowed, but it was possible to hit a fallen opponent. Virtually all blows were directed to the head, while the body was left exposed. A series of hand straps evolved over the years, culminating in a relatively sophisticated glove. This hand-gear did not lessen the violence of this sport, and ancient boxers were very recognizable by their “cauliflower ears” and other facial disfigurements.” Serious injuries were common and fatalities weren’t unknown. It was considered to be the most violent sport in Ancient Greece.

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Panrkation was an a very brutal, empty hand submission, and all-in type of wrestling in Ancient Greece with scarcely any rules other than no gouging eyes or biting. Basically combatants do almost whatever it takes to pummel their opponent to the ground. Used techniques or wrestling, boxing, and others. It’s the Ancient Greek equivalent to MMA.

11. Pankration- From Olympic Legacy: “This hugely popular event, which ancient poets were inspired to immortalize with numerous odes, is unlike any competition today. It was a conglomeration of elements from boxing, a form a wrestling known as “ground wrestling,” and elements quite unique to itself. Judging by what was allowed—competitors could strike with the fist, an open hand, twist arms, even break fingers!—the pankration seems very violent, yet it was considered less dangerous than boxing. Much of the struggle took place on the ground, although several upright holds were popular. In contrast to the sand-filled wrestling square, the pankration was conducted in an area where the ground was watered and somewhat muddy.” In a nutshell, this is the Ancient Greek equivalent to MMA and UFC in which the only illegal moves were eye gouging and biting. Also experienced some occasional fatalities.The famous Greek philosopher Plato was said to do extremely well in this event. Yes, that Plato. Yeah, you probably don’t imagine your Greek philosophers doing MMA stuff. But if he wasn’t, he’d be just known as Aristocles.

 

Equestrian:

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This is a 1908 painting of the Ben Hur chariot scene where Judah gets back on his chariot and eventually knocks Messala down which sends him to his eventual death. In Ancient Greek Olympics, this type of chariot racing was called Tethrippon which consisted of 4 horse chariots doing 12 laps across the track. It’s more like Ancient Greek NASCAR than contemporary harness racing while much more violent and much less safe. Seriously, people actually died in these races.

  1. Tethrippon- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “the four-horse chariot race added in 680 BCE, run over ten or twelve circuits of the hippodrome. A version using foals over 8 circuits was added in 384 BCE.” Keep in mind that 12 circuits translates to 14 kilometers or 8.7 miles.
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Ancient Greek Olympic horse racing was extremely dangerous since jockeys rode with no saddles, stirrups, horseshoes, or safety equipment. They were also riding on rough ground. So if riders were thrown off their horses, they would die.

13. Keles- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “a horse race added in 648 BCE and run over 6 circuits. A version for foals was added in 256 BCE.” Keep in mind that 6 circuits equal 7 kilometers or 4.3 miles. Remember that horseshoes, saddles, and stirrups weren’t invented yet though whips were sometimes employed. It was especially dangerous because the ground was so rough. Riders thrown to the ground usually died. This kind of horseback riding isn’t one for wimps and perhaps the most dangerous.

14. Apene- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “a race with chariots pulled by two mules, added in 500 BCE (dropped from 444 BCE).”

15. Kalpe- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “a trotting horse race for mares, added in 496 BCE (dropped from 444 BCE).” FAMSF adds: “After a few laps around the track on the animals’ backs, the riders jumped off and ran the last lap alongside the galloping horse. In addition to the challenge of trying to keep up on foot with a horse, the competitors also had to avoid being trampled to death.” Wonder what the body count on this sport was. This just seems so stupid.

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While the Tethrippon consisted of a chariot race pulled by 4 horses, the Synoris chariots were pulled by 2. But it’s way more dangerous than modern harness racing.

16. Synoris- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “the two-horse chariot race run over eight circuits of the hippodrome, added in 408 BCE. A version using foals over three circuits was added in 268 BCE.”

Other:

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Alongside athletic events, the Ancient Greek Olympics had a contest for trumpeters. The winner would be seen as the herald of the Games.

  1. Herald and Trumpeter Competitions- From Ancient History Encyclopedia: “added in 396 BCE. This was held on the first day and the winners – those whose sound carried the furthest – were also given the honour of announcing the victors on the final day at the official prize-giving event.” At least people didn’t die in this event.

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Greek Mythology Reexamined: Minor Deities, Protogenoi, and Titans

While I basically covered all the major Ancient Greek gods months ago like in January, the Ancient Greek pantheon is among the most diverse with hundreds of gods and goddesses. And according to Greek mythology the famous gods we all know and love on Mount Olympus aren’t even the original generation. You have the Protogenoi who were created in the beginning by a god known as Chaos which is just a primordial void through which most things came into existence. Those gods who originated from Khaos were among the first as with the Greek mythological narrative. The Titans consisted of a couple classes of gods. The first generation of Titans were the second generation of Greek deities to rule the world after Cronus chopped off his dad Uranus’ genitalia in order to release his siblings (I’m not making this up). Of course, this group of Titans’ rule didn’t last since Cronus would swallow his children with the exception of one (Zeus) who basically had his dad regurgitate them and a stone decoy. The first generation of Titans would be overthrown by Zeus and the Olympians and sent to Tartarus. The second generation of Titans consist of a class of gods who were the offspring of the first generation, other than Cronus and Rhea. And then you have a group of minor deities who could be characters in the Greek myths or the anthropomorphic personification of some concept. Still, since these are large classes of deities I’m dealing with, I’ll only go over some of the most important which aren’t part of any ensemble. So without further adieu, if you’re stuck in the Greek mythological world, here are some things you need to know about the common minor figures.

1. Gaia

Sure she may be Greek Mythology's Mother Nature herself, but she's one nasty bitch who couldn't care less about how many trees you cut down or oceans you pollute. All that concerned her was what was causing her pain or filling her bowels at the moment as well as those who worshiped her.

Sure she may be Greek Mythology’s Mother Nature herself, but she’s one nasty bitch who couldn’t care less about how many trees you cut down or oceans you pollute. All that concerned her was what was causing her pain or filling her bowels at the moment as well as those who worshiped her.

AKA: Gaea, Terra Mater, Tellus, Mother Earth, Mother Nature

Type: Protogenoi

Domain:The primal Greek goddess of the earth and great mother to all such as the Earth and all the Universe, the heavenly gods, the Titans, and giants.

Pro: Well, she’s very powerful and not someone even Zeus wouldn’t mess with. Also, very much loved by Neopagans and rewarded those who worshiped her. Really cared about her followers so perhaps Neopagans are rather safe to benefit her if she ever causes an apocalypse.

Con: Despite being Mother Nature, she’s not much of a benevolent figure as the true force of Nature. She seemed to care for little else so long as they weren’t filling her bowels or causing her pain. Couldn’t care how many trees you cut down or oceans you pollute. Also spawned several monsters to kill the ruling gods whether it be Uranus or Zeus. Not to mention, she prefers to spawn minor demonic monsters to do her dirty work. Still, we’re not sure whether she cared for her offspring or just wanted them out of her. Also bore a lot of children with her own kids (like Uranus) and descendants.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: Earth.

2. Uranus

Yes, his name may inspire shits and giggles since it reminds many of somebody's butt hole. Yet, Uranus basically lived up to his name as a literal divine primordial asshole who imprisoned his own kids he thought were ugly. Serves him right to have his nuts cut off by Cronus.

Yes, his name may inspire shits and giggles since it reminds many of somebody’s butt hole. Yet, Uranus basically lived up to his name as a literal divine primordial asshole who imprisoned his own kids he thought were ugly. Serves him right to have his nuts cut off by Cronus.

AKA: Ouranus, Caelus

Type: Protogenoi

Domain: The primal sky god and father of the giants, cyclops, Hecatonchires, and the first generation Titans.

Pro: Well, he was right about what would happen to Cronus, even if he made that prophecy out of spite.

Con: He was a cruel and evil tyrant and abusive dad who imprisoned his children in Tartarus (or Gaia’s womb) because of their bizarre appearances. This led to Gaia to shape a great flint sickle blade and asked her sons to castrate him. Only Cronus was willing to do the honor. The drops from his blood became the avenging Furies and in some stories, his genitals would become mixed in the ocean’s foam and create Aphrodite. Not to mention, he’s Gaia’s also son alongside being her consort. Also, his name has basically become the butt of inappropriate jokes related to butts. Then again, he was a literal asshole in Greek mythology so the name fits.

Patron City: None for there was no cult addressing him that had survived into Classical times.

Symbols: sky and sphere usually carried by Atlas

3. Nyx

Nyx was the Greek primordial goddess of night known for her exceptional power and beauty. Still, she's so protective of her many children (unpleasant or not) that not even Zeus wants to risk taking her on.

Nyx was the Greek primordial goddess of night known for her exceptional power and beauty. Still, she’s so protective of her many children (unpleasant or not) that not even Zeus wants to risk taking her on.

AKA: Nox

Type: Protogenoi

Domain: Primal goddess of the night and mother of many deities with her brother Erebus.

Pro: Often portrayed as someone with exceptional power and beauty. Also, she’s seen as a decent mom that you don’t want to mess with her. Not only that, but even Zeus is afraid of her that he allowed her son Hypnos escape which caused a lot of misfortune to Hercules.

Con: She’s kind of a shadowy figure and rather unpredictable. Doesn’t appear much and only ever seen in glimpses and her appearances are sparse in the surviving mythology. Not only that, but a lot of her kids are personified deities that represent things that aren’t so nice like death, old age, doom, and others. Said to live on Tartarus and bore a lot of her kids with her brother.

Patron City: Megara where she had an oracle according to the geographer Pausanias.

Symbols: black cloth representing the cover of night

4. Cronus

 Cronus may be seen as a god of time and patron of the harvest. Yet, he's one mean son of a bitch who basically castrated his dad (justifiably though), disrespected his mom Gaia's wish to free his siblings, and ate his kids (save for Zeus). There's a good reason why Zeus overthrew his Titan dad as king of the gods.

Cronus may be seen as a god of time and patron of the harvest. Yet, he’s one mean son of a bitch who basically castrated his dad (justifiably though), disrespected his mom Gaia’s wish to free his siblings, and ate his kids (save for Zeus). There’s a good reason why Zeus overthrew his Titan dad as king of the gods.

AKA: Saturn, Cronos

Type: First generation Titan

Domain: Youngest and leader of the first generation of Titans as well as a god of agriculture and fertility. Patron of the harvest. In Roman mythology, he’s the god of time (though Saturn might’ve started out as a completely separate deity before being merged into Cronus.)

Pro: In some myths, he’s said to have brought a golden age of to Man which ended in Zeus’ reign. Still, had a good reason to castrate and overthrow his dad Uranus.

Con: Let’s see, castrated his dad, turned his back on his imprisoned siblings (as well as disrespected his mom Gaia’s wish to free them), probably raped his wife Rhea (who was also his sister), and even devoured his newborn children (except for Zeus who made him vomit his siblings out). Let’s just say he didn’t turn out much better than his dad or perhaps worse.

Patron City: None, but he did have his own festival in Athens called Kronia. Of course, the Romans viewed him more positively and had at least one temple to him as well as a festival called Saturnalia (which doesn’t have a lot in common in Christmas though both holidays share a few customs).

Symbols: hourglass, sickle, scythe, and harpe

5. Oceanus

Before there was Poseidon, there was Oceanus who ruled the waves. Still, not taking sides in the war between the Titans and Olympians and the overthrowing of Uranus explains why he avoided Tartarus.

Before there was Poseidon, there was Oceanus who ruled the waves. Still, not taking sides in the war between the Titans and Olympians and the overthrowing of Uranus explains why he avoided Tartarus. Still, he’s the one with a serpentine tail and horns.

AKA: Ocean

Type: First generation Titan but might’ve started as a Protogenoi.

Domain: Said to be the original ruler of Olympus before Cronus cast him into the sea. Ruled over the sea during the Titanomarchy and regulated the rising and setting of heavenly bodies, which the Greeks believed to have emerged and descended into his watery realms at the ends of the earth. Also said to be the father of rivers and streams as well as the ocean nymphs. Not to mention, had a bunch of kids with his sister Tethys.

Pro: Didn’t take sides in things like the Titanomarchy or overthrowing his father Uranus, which was the reason why he probably stuck around. Waterways were said to originate from his own tears.

Con: Doesn’t appear much in myth other than in the story of Hercules and the sun bowl or the wedding between Thetis and Peleus.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: ocean waves

6. Selene

Selene is the goddess of the moon who drives a chariot across the night sky. Unfortunately, she's also known for her obsession with Endymion and was said to have born 50 daughters by him after he was put into eternal sleep. Yeah, you can guess the disturbing unfortunate implications there.

Selene is the goddess of the moon who drives a chariot across the night sky. Unfortunately, she’s also known for her obsession with Endymion and was said to have born 50 daughters by him after he was put into eternal sleep. Yeah, you can guess the disturbing unfortunate implications there.

AKA: Luna, Phoebe, Cynthia

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: Goddess of the moon who drove a moon chariot across the heavens.

Pro: She’s said to take on the dreaded monster Typhon which is said to be why the moon has craters. Doesn’t have a lot of lovers unlike a lot of gods in this pantheon (I’m talking to you Zeus).

Con: Unfortunately, her best known story has her obsessed with the handsome mortal Endymion who was put into eternal sleep in a cave on Mount Latmus. Didn’t stop her from visiting him or in some stories making out with or bearing 50 daughters to him which kind of puts her up there with Zeus as one of the rapiest gods of the Greek pantheon. Let’s just say that her relationship with Endymion is very unhealthy.

Patron City: Well, she’s said to have had an oracular sanctuary near Thalamai in Laconia as well as Elis and perhaps had a festival in Athens called the Pandia. Yet, other than possible moon cults in Minoan Crete, the role of the  moon itself in magic, folklore, and poetry, and the later worship of the Phrygian moon-god men, there was relatively little worship of her as a goddess.

Symbols: crescent, raised cloak, bull, rooster, dog, torch, and the moon, naturally.

7. Helios

Helios is best known as the god of the sun who drives a chariot of fiery horses. Still, while he's capable of violent strength, he's sometimes unable to defend himself such as the time when Odysseus men killed his sacred cattle.

Helios is best known as the god of the sun who drives a chariot of fiery horses. Still, while he’s capable of violent strength, he’s sometimes unable to defend himself such as the time when Odysseus men killed his sacred cattle. Still, letting his son drive his chariot was a bad idea.

AKA: Sol, Phoebus

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: God of the sun who drove a chariot of fiery steeds across the sky.

Pro: Helped Hercules complete the labor of Erytheia to retrieve Greyon’s cattle by lending him his giant cup. Still, he’s usually nice unless he’s pissed off. Also, whether Demeter liked it or not, he was right about Hades being perfect for Persephone.

Con: Let’s just say despite that he’s capable of violent strength on multiple occasions, he’s often depicted as weak and incapable of fighting for himself. Also, when Odysseus’ men slay his sacred cattle, he told Zeus, “Either you kill these guys or else I’m going to the Underworld.” This results in Odysseus being stranded on Thrinacia as well as losing his ship and crew. Doesn’t help that his daughters on that island were witches with “evil eye” power derived from himself (with Circe being the most famous of his). Also, let his son Phaeton drive his chariot, which didn’t end well.

Patron City: Rhodes where there was once a giant statue of him which was one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. The island city also held gymnastics tournaments in his honor. Also had a significant following cult in Corinth.

Symbols: chariot with flaming horses and the sun, of course.

8. Eos

Eos is the goddess of dawn who either opens the gates for her brother Helios or harnesses his horses just before he goes out. Also known for kidnapping a series of young men after being cursed with insatiable lust after her affair with Ares. Also, her laying her son Memnon on her lap might've inspired the Pieta.

Eos is the goddess of dawn who either opens the gates for her brother Helios or harnesses his horses just before he goes out. Also known for kidnapping a series of young men after being cursed with insatiable lust after her affair with Ares. Also, her laying her son Memnon on her lap might’ve inspired the Pieta.

AKA: Aurora

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: Goddess of dawn who either opens the gates for her brother Helios or harnesses the horses on his chariot. Also, rose each morning from her home at the edge of the Oceanus.

Pro: Well, she took her son Memnon’s death in the Trojan War hard and is sometimes depicted as holding him across her knees like in the Christian Pieta paintings.

Con: Well, after caught having an affair with Ares by Aphrodite, she was cursed with an unquenchable lust which led her to abduct several handsome young men. One of her conquests ended up having to spend eternity as an old man since she forgot to ask that he have eternal youth. Another was accidentally killed.

Patron City: Well, she did have a cult in the Roman city of Matuta where she had her own festival as Aurora called the Matralia, which was only for women during their first marriage.

Symbols: golden throne, saffron rose, and angel wings.

9. Prometheus

Here's Prometheus being chained to the Caucasian mountains and having a giant eagle devour his liver on a daily basis all because he stole fire from Mount Olympus for humanity. Of course, he knew this would happen when Zeus would find out. Luckily, he'll be freed by Hercules soon enough.

Here’s Prometheus being chained to the Caucasian mountains and having a giant eagle devour his liver on a daily basis all because he stole fire from Mount Olympus for humanity. Of course, he knew this would happen when Zeus would find out. Luckily, he’ll be freed by Hercules soon enough.

AKA: None

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: One of the original Titans who either remained neutral during the Titanomarchy’s struggle against the Olympians or sided with Zeus. He’s best known for stealing fire from the gods for humanity and suffering eternal punishment as a result by having a large eagle devouring his liver on a daily basis while chained to the Caucasian Mountains. That is, until Hercules frees him.

Pro: He was smart not to side with the Titans and he’s the only god who’d unfailingly put humanity before himself. So much that he only claimed the inedible parts of cattle to be reserved for ritual sacrifices and stole fire from Mount Olympus for humanity despite knowing what Zeus would do with him. Also, when Hercules freed him, Zeus didn’t seem to mind since he told him to let Thetis marry Peleus since her son would be greater than his father. This probably save Zeus’ throne. Not to mention, he’s one of the most popular figures in Greek Mythology with his legend enjoying appeal up to today.

Con: Let’s just say that if he wasn’t chained to a rock somewhere his brother probably wouldn’t have married Pandora. Then again, her story is rather sexist in itself and Epimetheus is kind of an idiot anyway.

Patron City: Athens where there was an altar honoring him at the Academy as well as the Panathenic festival held in his honor where there was a torch race from the altar to the Parthenon.

Symbols: torch, chains, wreath of thorns, and giant eagle

10. Atlas

Contrary to popular imagery, Atlas' job wasn't to hold up the Earth, it was the Heavens. Still, let's just say people today don't get how the Ancient Greeks saw in cosmology. Nevertheless, he's best associated with geography.

Contrary to popular imagery, Atlas’ job wasn’t to hold up the Earth, it was the Heavens. Still, let’s just say people today don’t get how the Ancient Greeks saw in cosmology. Nevertheless, he’s best associated with geography.

AKA: None

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: Titan who was charged with holding up the sky away from the Earth to prevent the two from “embracing” as punishment for siding with the Titans against the Olmypians. Also associated with navigation and astronomy, obviously.

Pro: Helped Hercules fetch the golden apples while the Greek strongman did his task. Also didn’t fool around as much.

Con: Tried to trick Hercules with holding up the heavens permanently, but the demigod tricked him into retaking his load (either by running away or building the two great Pillars of Hercules which liberated him from his load).

Patron City: None, but he has a whole ocean named after him though.

Symbols: globe

11. Eros

Though typically seen as a cute little cherub associated with Valentine's Day, Eros actually is supposed to be depicted as a handsome young man who wasn't much into clothing. Yet, he's best remembered for shooting his arrows which can inspire love or hate.

Though typically seen as a cute little cherub associated with Valentine’s Day, Eros actually is supposed to be depicted as a handsome young man who wasn’t much into clothing. Yet, he’s best remembered for shooting his arrows which can inspire love or hate.

AKA: Cupid

Type: Well, depending on source. In some myths he’s a Protogenoi and in others a minor deity as the son of Aphrodite.

Domain: God of love as well as sexual desire and attraction.

Pro: Though usually dainty and non-threatening, he could best even the greatest of gods (usually by taking pot shots from far away with his bow that had arrows which could inspire both love and hate). He’s also one of the most benevolent and good natured gods to mortals as well as a constant and faithful companion for his mother Aphrodite (in stories he is her son). If he’s a protogenoi, he helps create the world with Chaos as a procreation deity. Genuinely loved and was faithful to Psyche.

Con: He has a mischievous side and his arrows can just as much inspire hate as love. You can guess that the Greeks believed his arrows could lead to stalkerism and sex crimes. Also, though genuinely nice, he does have a temper and could be coldly unforgiving to those who insult him as Apollo found out the hard way. Yet, he only reserves his wrath for the immortal side of his family. Not to mention, has no shame with taking his clothes off. Also, refused to show himself to Psyche that led him to abandon her for awhile.

Patron City: Was worshiped as a fertility cult in Thespiae and was rather popular in Athens.

Symbols: bow, arrow, candle heart, cupid, wings, and kisses

12. Psyche

Psyche who was the goddess of soul was once a mortal princess who Eros fell in love with despite Aphrodite's jealousy. Best known for her beauty, determination, and her insatiable curiosity that almost left her for dead when she looked into a box of beauty.

Psyche who was the goddess of soul was once a mortal princess who Eros fell in love with despite Aphrodite’s jealousy. Best known for her beauty, determination, and her insatiable curiosity that almost left her for dead when she looked into a box of beauty.

AKA: None

Type: Minor deity since she used to be mortal and former princess of Sicily.

Domain: Goddess of the soul and wife of Eros.

Pro: She was as well known for her beauty that not even Eros was immune to her charms and fell for her. She completed several seemingly impossible tasks to win back her husband Eros even if she had to petition to every god in the pantheon (which only took three but unfortunately the third was her mother-in-law Aphrodite). Was the only female mortal to travel to the underworld and succeed in her quest as well as one of the few to achieve immortality. And she did all this while pregnant and not knowing what Eros looked like.

Con: Unfortunately, she tends to let her curiosity get the best of her such as wanting to see Eros’ true form after her sisters basically tried to convince her that she might’ve married a horrible monster (despite that she previously had sex with him and conceived a child by this point. Don’t ask.) This leads her to suspect her husband as a winged serpent as well as confront him only armed with a lamp and a steak knife. Oh, and she nearly died after peeking into the box of beauty which lead to Eros saving her with a true love’s kiss as well as standing up to his mother.

Patron City: None

Symbols: a box of beauty

13. Pan

Of course, this satyr like god Pan is best associated with nature, pleasure, and sexuality who couldn't care less what goes on at Mount Olympus so much as it doesn't pertain to him. Still, out of the Greek pantheon, he's probably the one who'd most likely show up at Woodstock.

Of course, this satyr like god Pan is best associated with nature, pleasure, and sexuality who couldn’t care less what goes on at Mount Olympus so much as it doesn’t pertain to him. Still, out of the Greek pantheon, he’s probably the one who’d most likely show up at Woodstock.

AKA: Faunus

Type: Minor deity as the son of Hermes.

Domain: God of nature, the wild, goats, mountains, fields, forests, shepherds, and male sexuality.

Pro: He’s more concerned with the preservation of nature and the enjoyment of earthly pleasures such as music and sex. Though he often pals around with Dionysus, he generally doesn’t interact with other gods (besides his dad Hermes) because he simply doesn’t care about their political schemes unless it concerns him directly. Also generally friendly.

Con: Though he’s generally friendly, he’s known to be mischievous, lecherous to women, and spread panic.

Patron City: Arcadia but he was usually worshiped in caves and grottoes since he’s the only god who comes closest to being a hippie.

Symbols: pan flute and goat

14. Thanatos

Thanatos is the personification of Death who is disliked by mortals and other gods alike. Fortunately he doesn't care much about them either. Still, depicted as a pretty boy though.

Thanatos is the personification of Death who is disliked by mortals and other gods alike. Fortunately he doesn’t care much about them either. Still, depicted as a pretty boy though.

AKA: Thanatus, Mors

Type: Minor deity.

Domain: Personification of death.

Pro: Well, he doesn’t show any favoritism among mortals and gods. His existence doesn’t make war entirely pointless which was why Ares rescued him when Sisyphos put him in chains and had to spend all eternity by rolling a rock up a steep hill every day. Also, tends to be depicted as handsome.

Con: He basically hates everyone whether mortal or god and they tend to hate him back. Mortals hate him for causing and bringing death. He hates the gods for being immortal and outside his power.

Patron City: None, since he’s a death deity.

Symbols: poppy, theta, butterfly, sword, and inverted torch

15. Charon

Charon is the Ferryman who helps transport souls to the underworld just as long as they pay him. This is why the Ancient Greeks put coins in dead people's mouths and didn't cremate them. Still, letting him give you a ride for free is a noteworthy feat.

Charon is the Ferryman who helps transport souls to the underworld just as long as they pay him. This is why the Ancient Greeks put coins in dead people’s mouths and didn’t cremate them. Still, letting him give you a ride for free is a noteworthy feat.

AKA: Charun

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Ferryman of the River Archeron (and sometimes Styx) where he helps the souls of the newly dead to cross for a small price.

Pro: Well, he’s mostly harmless and is usually shown doing his job. As Charun he has a really nice hammer and is a more active guide of the dead.

Con: Let’s just say, he’s only the Ferryman for the money and if your loved ones don’t bury your corpse or give you a coin to pay him, then he’ll just leave you stranded on the coasts for a hundred years. Also, since Archeron is the river of pain and Styx the river of death, you might not want to wade in either. Let’s just say that the Ancient Greeks weren’t fans of cremation.

Patron City: None, but Greeks who died did have coins placed in their mouths to pay him.

Symbols:a haunted rowboat and a coin

16. Iris

Iris is best known as the messenger to the gods and goddess of the rainbow. She links the gods to humanity and travels at wind speed from one end of the world to the other.

Iris is best known as the messenger to the gods and goddess of the rainbow who travels on them to deliver messages from gods to mortals. Yet, sometimes the mortals would refuse to listen.

AKA: Arcus

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Messenger to the gods as well as goddess of rainbows, sea, and sky. Links the gods to humanity and travels with the speed of wind from one end of the world to the other and into the depths of the sea and the underworld.

Pro: Well, she saved Phineus from the Harpies’ torment and assured they won’t bother him again despite not being killed. Travels by rainbow.

Con: Puts perjurers to sleep with the water from the River Styx. In a play by Euripides she and Lyssa cursed Hercules with a fit of madness that led him to kill his wife Megara and their three sons. Also said to cause storms. Other than that, she doesn’t appear much.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: rainbow, of course

17. Hecate

Hecate may be a goddess of magic as well as known for her benevolence to those who venerate her. Yet, the fact she's confined to the role of a household goddess just kind of seems a little unfair to her.

Hecate may be a goddess of magic as well as known for her benevolence to those who venerate her. Yet, the fact she’s confined to the role of a household goddess just kind of seems a little unfair to her. Yet, she’s best known for appearing in Macbeth as the witches’ boss which is set in medieval Scotland. But, hey don’t ask me why that is.

AKA: Trivia

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of magic, crossroads, moon, ghosts, and necromancy. Said to have three appearances or just three heads.Feared and and revered by night travelers and worshiped by about to deliver mothers. Associated with knowledge of herbs and poisonous plants

Pro: She was honored by Zeus and is always called upon whenever men offer rich sacrifices or pray for favors according to custom. She is very generous with those who worship and honor her and will receive great blessings and victories. Assisted Demeter in the search for Persephone and became the latter’s companion on her yearly journey to and from the underworld.

Con: Despite being a powerful goddess and well loved in her own right, she doesn’t appear much in Greek mythology.

Patron City: Lagina where she had a sanctuary attended by eunuchs but is also thought to have a following in Thrace. She was also a patroness for the Macedonian Stratonikeia. Still, she was more or less worshiped as a household goddess by the Athenians seen as a protective deity who bestowed blessings and prosperity on the family. Honored with the evening feast of the Deipnon.

Symbols: paired torches, dogs, keys, and daggers.

18. Hypnos

Hypnos is the god of sleep and is best known for escaping Zeus' lightning bolt of divine retribution after he put the chief deity to sleep while Hera harassed Hercules. Of course, he went home to Mama Nyx who Zeus really didn't want to cross.

Hypnos is the god of sleep and is best known for escaping Zeus’ lightning bolt of divine retribution after he put the chief deity to sleep while Hera harassed Hercules. Of course, he went home to Mama Nyx who Zeus really didn’t want to cross.

AKA: Somnus

Type: Minor deity

Domain: God and personification of sleep. Lives in a cave next to his brother Thanatos that doesn’t see the sun rising or the moon with no gate or door. Yet, it houses a lot of hypnotic plants and poppies with the river Lethe flowing through it.

Pro: Is probably the only god that Thanatos didn’t hate (or perhaps). Is happily married to his wife Pasithea who was one of the youngest Graces and mother of his three sons. Is in good graces with Hera for all its implications.

Con: Let’s just say he has a mischievous side and managed to avoid Zeus’ bolt of divine retribution by running off to his mother Nyx for protection. Also allowed Hera to arrest Hercules in Homer by putting Zeus to sleep.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: poppy

19. Enyo

Enyo is the goddess of war and destruction who serves as a Ares' companion in battle. She is the most destructive and bloodthirsty god of the Greek Pantheon (even more so than Ares) and tends to make war absolute hell. Definitely not a pleasant goddess.

Enyo is the goddess of war and destruction who serves as a Ares’ companion in battle. She is the most destructive and bloodthirsty god of the Greek Pantheon (even more so than Ares) and tends to make war absolute hell. Definitely not a pleasant goddess.

AKA: Bellona, Duellona

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of war and destruction as well as companion of Ares often accompanying him into battle.

Pro: Well, she refuses to take sides in war but not in a good way.

Con: She’s responsible for orchestrating the destruction of cities and inflicted terror and bloodshed in battle. Would rather see Zeus battle it out with Typhon than take sides in that conflict since she delights in warfare. Still, she’s much more destructive than Ares and the bloodiest god in the whole Greek pantheon.

Patron City: None, though she did have a festival in Thebes and Orchomenos called Homoloia. As Bellona, whenever Rome declared war on someone the Fetial priests often threw a spear into her temple.

Symbols: Lady armor, sword, and shield.

20. Eris

Eris is the goddess of discord known for basically throwing a golden apple at a wedding she wasn't invited to. This led to the Judgement of Paris and the Trojan War.

Eris is the goddess of discord known for basically throwing a golden apple at a wedding she wasn’t invited to. This led to the Judgement of Paris and the Trojan War. Still, should’ve received a wedding invitation though she would cause trouble anyway.

AKA: Discordia

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of chaos, strife. and discord. Also, a deity in the modern Discordianism.

Pro: Let’s just say no harm will come to anyone in Ancient Greece if you invite her to a wedding or party.

Con: She’s not a pleasant goddess and her kids are even worse than her. Basically could be blamed for starting the Trojan war because she wasn’t invited to the wedding of Peleus and Thetis where she basically crashed the occasion and tossed a golden apple Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite fought over. This ushered the Judgement of Paris. Then again, she wasn’t invited because she had a reputation to cause trouble out of pure malice. Also escorted Typhon into his battle with Zeus. Still, she should’ve gotten a wedding invitation. A lot of people’s lives could’ve been saved that way.

Patron City: None, of course.

Symbols: Golden Apple of Discord

21. Nike

Nike is the goddess of victory led Zeus into battle against the Titans. Yet, when you hear her name, you think of a brand of athletic shoe with the famous swoosh logo.

Nike is the goddess of victory led Zeus into battle against the Titans. Yet, when you hear her name, you think of a brand of athletic shoe with the famous swoosh logo.

AKA: Victoria

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of victory, strength, and speed, and divine charioteer to Zeus.

Pro: Since she’s the goddess of victory, she’s certainly someone you’d want on your side in anything you can’t lose. Flies around battlefields and rewards victors with glory and fame. Led Zeus into battle against the Titans.

Con: She doesn’t appear much in Greek mythology and is best remembered as having an athletic shoe brand named after her which is better remembered than she is.

Patron City: None, but she was commonly depicted on Greek coins.

Symbols: torch and laurel wreath

22. Nemesis

Nemesis is the goddess that personified revenge and divine judgement of hubris before the gods. She distributes fortune to mortals, both good or bad yet her verdict is always correct whether you like it or not. You might want to devise a will if you see her in a Greek tragedy for you will die a horrible death over something you did even if consisted of speeding.

Nemesis is the goddess that personified revenge and divine judgement of hubris before the gods. She distributes fortune to mortals, both good or bad yet her verdict is always correct whether you like it or not. You might want to devise a will if you see her in a Greek tragedy for you will die a horrible death over something you did even if consisted of speeding.

AKA: Rhamnousia, Invidia, Adrasteia

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of revenge, implacable justice, and divine judgement for hubris before the gods. Also a distributor of fortune both good and bad.

Pro: She’s a respected goddess as well as always gives everybody what they deserve as far as the Greeks are concerned since they viewed her judgements as absolutely correct. Also one of the few deities that no one dared to cross intentionally since divine judgement on hubris is itself hubris. Even Zeus would avoid messing with her.

Con: Let’s just say she has no personality outside fulfilling her duties and doesn’t care what others think about her decisions. She’s also absolutely uncaring to anyone or anything that doesn’t fall within her judgement and even then, is impassive, implacable force of nature. So if she appears in a Greek tragedy in which you’re the main character, expect to meet a really nasty demise leaving a mutilated corpse and you can do nothing about it.

Patron City: Rhamnous in northeastern Attica where she had an archaic sanctuary in her honor. Had a festival in Athens called Nemesia.

Symbols: hourglass, scales, and sword

23. Astraea

Astraea is the goddess of justice, purity, and innocence who chose to leave the earth after being disenchanted with humanity's wickedness and became the constellation Virgo. Her scales would become Libra. Still, she's said to return eventually.

Astraea is the goddess of justice, purity, and innocence who chose to leave the earth after being disenchanted with humanity’s wickedness and became the constellation Virgo. Her scales would become Libra. Still, she’s said to return eventually.

AKA: Justitia, Lady Justice, the Celestial Virgin

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of justice, innocence, and purity. One of the last immortals to live with humans during the golden age of Man.

Pro: She’s one of the nicest gods of the Greek pantheon and the closest thing to an all loving deity in Ancient Greece.

Con: Basically left Earth because she thought humanity too wicked during the Iron Age (though she may come back and usher a new Golden Age). Opted to ascend into heaven become the constellation Virgo instead while her scales became Libra.

Patron City: None

Symbols: scales

24. Triton

Though he is a merman and carries a trident, he's not Ariel's dad from The Little Mermaid. Rather he's Triton who's the messenger of the sea who also carried a conch shell he blew to control the waves.

Though he is a merman and carries a trident, he’s not Ariel’s dad from The Little Mermaid. Rather he’s Triton who’s the messenger of the sea who also carried a conch shell he blew to control the waves.

AKA: None

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Messenger of the sea and herald to his father Poseidon. Lived in his parents’ golden palace Celaeno at the bottom of the sea.

Pro: Blew into his conch shell to control the waves. Guided the Argonauts to find the passage from the river back to the sea when they got lost. Sometimes depicted as a foster parent to Athena.

Con: Doesn’t appear much in Greek mythology.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: trident and conch shell

25. Circe

Circe may not be a notable goddess of magic but she's best known for having an island mansion she surrounded with predatory beast. She's also known to turn people into animals and her encounter with Odysseus.

Circe may not be a notable goddess of magic but she’s best known for having an island mansion she surrounded with predatory beast. She’s also known to turn people into animals and her encounter with Odysseus.

AKA: None

Type: Minor deity

Domain: A goddess of magic and called “the loveliest of all immortals.”

Pro: Had a vast array of knowledge of potions, drugs, and herbs and was a very powerful sorceress with her magic wand (or staff). Also, has a great monologue on sexism and double standards on Mount Olympus in The Odyssey. Seemed like a gracious hostess to Odysseus’ men at first anyway.

Con: Transformed her enemies (as well as those who offended her) into animals. Said to be exiled to the island of Aeaea for killing her husband, the prince of Colchis. Lived in a large mansion surrounded by forests and feral predators she culled with her magic. Turned some of Odysseus’ crew into pigs that he set out to rescue them with Athena’s help. Luckily he was able to gain her trust and she helped him on his journey home.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: wand or staff

History of the World According to the Movies: Part 3- Ancient Greece and Other Things

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This is from the notorious historical disasterpiece 300. While there was a Battle of Thermopylae as well as a real King Leonidas and Queen Gorgo, they certainly didn’t dress like that. I mean Spartan warriors would fight without upper body protection while Spartan women wouldn’t wear their hair below shoulder length or don in outfits other tan a short tunic. Also, you don’t see any helots tending the fields, which they certainly would because slavery was actively enforced in Sparta. Not to mention, Leonidas’ son would have to be at the Spartan warrior school learning fighting, survival skills, and dirty tricks by now since there’s no way he looks younger than seven.

When telling the history of the western world, you can’t leave out the Greeks. Much of our vocabulary comes from them as well as the fact that they were the forerunners of a lot of things like science, medicine, theater, democracy (sort of), and other academic disciplines. Not to mention, the word “history” itself is a Greek word meaning “inquiry, knowledge acquired by investigation.” Also, they had the Olympics (but not in way we’d be familiar with since they didn’t have women’s events and competed in the nude. Not to mention, they cheated a lot.) There’s even Greek mythology with a pantheon of many complete assholes save a few like Hades. Of course, Greece was never a very united entity and consisted of an array of city states, the most famous being Athens a naval power as well as a place of culture, quasi-democracy, and rampant misogyny and Sparta a oligarchical warrior slave state where everyone lived off the land supported by helots and the only place in Greece where women had any rights. Still, there are movies made on Ancient Greece most notably the gory historic trainwreck 300 and it’s sequel 300: Rise of an Empire as well as all those movies on Greek mythology like Clash of the Titans. Nevertheless, even though it was the Greeks who came up with the concept of history (though it’s hard to distinguish history from myth sometimes in this context), filmmakers still find ways to butcher theirs (as well as other civilizations, but at least they didn’t leave any written records).

Ancient Greece:

The Greeks carved marble statues. (The marble Greek statues you see are Roman copies. Actually the Greeks cast their statues in bronze using a marble prototype. Most of the original bronze Greek statues were melted during the Middle Ages for cannons and church bells.)

Oracles had leprosy and had naked girls danced around for them. (Bullshit, but the oracles were on drugs.)

Oracles were attractive women who danced naked in a trancelike state. (Sorry, but 300 gets this wrong. They were mostly old women.)

Most Greek city states looked like Athens. (A lot of Greek city states would later get fed up with Athens and fight against them so why would they want to emulate them? Also, filmmakers usually use Athens for Ancient Greece because it’s the most familiar Greek city most people know.)

Most men of Ancient Greece were clean shaven. (Contrary to what you see in the movies, a lot of guys in Ancient Greece had beards and dark hair.)

The Greek hoplites threw doru spears. (Actually they would be too long and heavy to be thrown. Javelins would’ve been used instead.)

Ancient Greece was a progressive beacon of reason. (Actually Ancient Greece consisted of over 1,000 city states that had their own unique culture as well as more or less resembled a sectarian war zone. Also, only less than 5% of the Ancient Greek population was literate. Of course, the Greeks were willing to lynch, exile, and execute some of the brighter among them like Socrates as well as possessed no qualms to enslave their fellow man, with Athens said to have more slaves than anybody. Also, whatever achievements the ancient Greeks made, they didn’t spread too far since most Greeks were illiterate rural farmers and herders who rarely ventured beyond their own city state. And your average ancient Greek didn’t really care about logic, literature, or theater. In fact, they’d prefer the comfort of familiarity and superstition.)

Ancient Greek Olympic athletes were amateurs who just believed in fair play and peace. (Yeah right. Actually Ancient Greek Olympians were nothing of the sort and the early Olympics were rife with cheating, corruption and commercialism. They didn’t have the spirit of sportsmanship like we do today. Sure punishments for cheating ranged from flogging to death, but in Ancient Greece, the Olympics were such a big deal with the prize being instant and lasting fame as well as riches and bitches, athletes took cheating to an art form as well as bribed judges and competitors. Thus, what made their games different than our games is that they didn’t allow women to watch or compete and that they competed in the nude.)

Crete:

The Cretans participated in human sacrifice. (There’s no evidence they actually did this, though there are mythological references to it, which might have been just propaganda.)

Sparta:

Spartan warriors were all buffed out with six-pack abs and bulging muscles as well as went into battle nearly naked. (Just because Spartan men devoted their lives as warriors doesn’t mean they had the bodies of Olympic athletes. As for clothes, they were covered in bronze armor in battle not speedos. A Spartan warrior knew better than that.)

Sparta was an unstoppable military juggernaut with an army of proud warrior race guys and badass warrior kings, only stopping to deliver witty lines to philosophers for posterity’s sake. (This might be what Sparta was like in 300 or how men like Plato or Xenophon saw it. Ditto the Romans who admired Sparta’s military spirit. But the real Sparta was very much like the North Korea of its day that had secret police as well as highly discouraged contact with the outside {then again, comparing ancient Sparta to North Korea may not be accurate militarily speaking, but it does fit with the repressive closed society bit}. Visitors were usually given the Spartan Disneyland treatment of all the things in which the Spartans would glorify about themselves. However, more modern assessments state that Sparta was a Peloponnese regional power that essentially cannibalized all the non-military functions of its own state, in order to continue a bitter war with the city-state of Argos, and was able to use the ensuing victory to bully its allies into fighting for them. Spartan military supremacy lasted less than 100 years and its hegemony over Greece lasted only 10. Furthermore, the Spartan  army lost more battles than it won and its central warrior caste was decimated by the city’s town leaders to profit from their “inalienable” land holdings. Let’s just say Disney’s Hercules has a better assessment of Sparta than 300, especially when an old Theban says, “That’s it, I’m moving to Sparta.”)

300 Spartans fought against the Persians in the Battle of Thermopylae under King Leonidas. (Actually, though there were 300 Spartans present at the Battle of Thermopylae, they didn’t fight alone like 300 suggests. And unlike what 300 suggests, only a fraction of their force for they wouldn’t send their whole army that far north. Though Leonidas did command the Spartan force personally, there were 4000 other troops under him as well such as 700 Thespiae, 400 Thebans, and 900 helots to assist. And out of Leonidas’ forces, 1500 of them were involved in the last stand. Some scholars even said that the Greeks had about 7000. And they weren’t against half a million Persians, but 80,000.)

Spartan men’s only occupation they were trained for was that of a solider. (Yes, but they also learned how to sing, dance, read, write, and perform in plays. And when a Spartan man got too old to fight, he spent the rest of his life either on the council or teaching other Spartan boys to fight in the warrior school.)

Sparta was the only Greek city state with a professional army. (Well, they were the only one that required that all male citizens participate in the army and sent their boys to boot camp from the age of seven though all Greek city states had some form of conscription. Also, every Greek city state had a professional army not as dedicated, hardened, and well trained as the Spartan Army but certainly not sculptors or potters.)

Spartans had manhood rituals such as slaying a wolf. (No, they didn’t. Actually it involved living in the wild for a week and killing a slave.)

Spartans left their weak babies to die. (No archaeological evidence has been found to support this. Rather, people with disabilities were cared for in Spartan society.)

Sparta sent a naval fleet at the Battle of Salamis. (Contrary to 300: Rise of an Empire, Sparta had no navy until the Peloponnesian Wars when they need one to fight the Athenians. Ironically, their navy was given by the Persians.)

The Spartans had hundreds of ships at the Battle of Salamis and turned up at the last minute to save the day. (Nice try, 300: Rise of an Empire, but they didn’t show up at the last minute and only had 16 ships. Oh, and they weren’t led by Queen Gorgo either.)

Adultery was shameful in Sparta. (It wasn’t.)

The Spartans had disdain for the ephors and the supernatural. (They were particularly religious for Ancient Greece and were big worshipers of Ares.)

The ephors were deformed molester priests who betrayed the people of Sparta. (They actually were five Senators who ran the Spartan government and democratically elected by each village but only served a year.)

Sparta was ruled by two democratically elected “kings” who held equal power and judged by the ephors. (While Sparta did have two kings ruling the land, the positions were hereditary.)

The Spartan Gerousia consisted of men of varying ages. (Spartan men had to be at least 60 before ever being considered for the Gerousia. Of course, there is the Apella made up of representatives of the Spartan citizenry but they didn’t have much power.)

The Spartan city state was mostly populated by Spartans. (They were a minority military caste in their own city-state where the state-owned helot serfs made up 90% of the population. Also, you have the perioci from Laconia who were autonomous civilians but were never considered citizens though they were required to fight when needed to.)

Sparta was a rural  and freedom loving society. (It was far from it than what you see in 300 but rather a dictatorship by a militant elite minority who lived by and continually repressed the majority helot population basically slaves who worked the land to produce food so the Spartans could spend all their time oppressing them and fighting other wars in between. Also, during some periods a Spartan could kill a helot and never be punished for it if he wanted. Oh, and they killed diplomats, were profoundly racist, and may have practiced eugenics. Not to mention, they regularly beat up boys during warrior training and taught them to be bullies {which can be somewhat justified}.)

Queen Gorgo killed a council member named Theron. (There’s no evidence she did this.)

Spartans referred Athenians as “boy lovers.” (This might be true, but Spartan soldiers and other Greeks weren’t so above being pederasts themselves either. As Television Tropes and Idioms says: “The relationship between adult men and adolescent boys was used like in all Greek states for education of the adolescent boy. However many Spartan sources, and even some outside of Sparta, insist that the relationship was not sexual in nature as that would have been similar to a father doing it with his son. The relationships were broken by the time the older man married as he would have to concentrate on his main job in peace: procreation. In Athens however the matter was completely different due to the locking up of women in gyneceums and their general lack of rights compared to Spartan women, the main sexual relationships of men were with other men. When it came to the relationship between adult men and adolescent boys it involved a lot of competition between the older men for the affections of the teens and the whole thing resembled soap operas with the older men serenading the boys writing them love poem and stuff like that, something that would have ended with two beheaded bodies in Sparta. That might have been what Leonidas meant by “boy lovers”.”)

The Spartans had an excellent military training program. (Spartan military training was especially harsh but it didn’t put them at a better advantage against other Greek city states.)

Ephialtes was a deformed Spartan tempted to join the Persian side when Xerxes showed him a tent full of naked ladies. (According to Herodotus, he was a non-deformed non-Spartan who showed the Persians a mountain trail around Thermopylae which led them to victory.)

Queen Gorgo had long flowing hair and wore long backless dresses. (Gorgo would’ve looked like any Spartan woman of the time such as a slit up dress called pelos as well as had hair that went no further than their shoulders. In fact, Gorgo wouldn’t be allowed to have her hair that long. Also, if a Spartan woman was just married, it would be very easy to tell because she’d have a shaved head. Thus, in 300, most female Spartan characters would’ve been way overdressed.)

Sparta saved Athenian democracy. (The Peloponnesian Wars show a very different story since they kicked the crap out of Athens.)

Athens:

The Ancient Athenians had a democracy. (Actually, though it may have been a democracy it was a only a democracy for adult male citizens who have completed military training which was 20%, for the rest like women, slaves, freed slaves, resident aliens, and disqualified citizens, it wasn’t.)

Themistocles said his only family was the Athenian fleet. (According to Plutarch, he was married at least once and had as many as ten kids. Not only that, but he was also a prominent politician in Athens as well so much of his life didn’t just revolve around the Athenian navy.)

Themistocles wasn’t present at the Battle of Thermopylae. (Contrary to 300, he was and made a very significant contribution to it by preventing the Persians to sail past the Spartan army as well as outflanking them. He only retreated once the pass was taken and defending the sea became irrelevant. In some respect, he held where Leonidas failed. However, Themistocles doesn’t get any recognition for this in movies solely because he’s Athenian. So if you aren’t Sparta in Thermopylae, you basically don’t get squat.)

Themistocles devised the strategy and led the charge in the Battle of Marathon as well as killed King Darius. (While he did fight at Marathon, he was only one of many captains involved in the struggle. But he didn’t devise the strategy or lead the charge. Also, he didn’t kill King Darius who wasn’t at the battle and died a few years later of completely natural causes. Oh, and Artemisia didn’t manipulate Xerxes into becoming king {Darius was his father}, have him to reshape himself into a god {which would’ve been blasphemy}, nor did she encourage him to declare war on Greece. Nor was she a lousy commander either or obsessed with revenge.)

Athenian warriors had six pack abs and went out scantily clad. (Seriously, I’m beginning to think that the 300 franchise is catered to guys deep in the closet. Besides, hopilites would’ve been clad with armor no matter where they came from.)

Macedonia:

The Macedonians spoke in an Irish accent. (Oliver Stone cast Irish actors in Alexander to show how hickish they were compared to the Greeks though {at least in their point of view}, which was true in fact.)

Trojan War:

The Trojan War was fought over a woman named Helen. (Yes, but there were a lot of other things. For instance, Menelaus only became king by marrying Helen {who was the actual queen and much more than a pretty face} and the fact that she made off with Paris not only endangered his position but also gave the Trojans a claim to Sparta. Menelaus just couldn’t let Helen go with Paris, even if she just wasn’t that into him. Also, Paris violated sacred hospitality which is never to run off with the wife of his host.This is according to Homer. As for the real Trojan War, well, we can’t really be sure but a recent theory of a Mycenaean Allied Hittite commander from Miletus who wanted to expand his territory and had spent 35 years attacking Hittite vassal states.)

The Greeks were the aggressors in the Trojan War. (Actually, archaeology squarely puts this on the Hittites, not the Mycenaean Greeks. Also, it’s fairly established in The Illiad that Paris caused the whole war.)

Llamas were present in the city of Troy and Zeus’ symbol was a bald eagle. (These are native to the Americas so the Ancient Greeks would have no knowledge of these animals.)

The Trojan War was fought with Iron Age weapons. (Actually it was fought in the Bronze Age if it was ever fought at all {most likely it was}.)

Menelaus and Agamemnon didn’t survive the Trojan War. (According to Homer, they did and even won the Trojan War {further Menelaus gets Helen back}. Not to mention, neither of them are the disgusting middle aged guys depicted in Troy. Still, in Agamemnon’s case, it wasn’t for long.)

Paris survived the Trojan War and gets to keep Helen. (According to Homer, Paris gets killed before the war is over and he is actually blamed for starting the whole thing {he’s actually even destined to doom Troy}. Also, Helen ends up with his brother for a time before being ultimately rescued by Menelaus. Not to mention, Hector’s son doesn’t survive the war either and his wife ends up a concubine to the Greeks.)

The heroes of the Trojan War were kings. (Archaeology casts doubt on this. However, it’s possible. Still, if you weren’t a king in Greek mythology, you probably didn’t mean much in some respects.)

Hector was an all around nice guy. (While he’s nicer than most of the Illiad characters, he does do dubious things in the original poem like stealing, bragging about killing his enemies, and running away from Achilles during their final confrontation until the gods convinced him to fight.)

Achilles and Patrolcus had a close relationship because they were cousins. (As far as the Ancient Greeks are concerned, they could’ve been “cousins” in the same contexts as some of Ava Gardner’s fuck buddies in The Barefoot Contessa or even more so. But Homer also said that Achilles had a son who went on to marry Helen’s daughter Hermione. But, then again, you can’t really tell with the Greeks. He’s also said to fall in love with an Amazon after killing her. So it’s very possible that Achilles went both ways as illustrated in the Homer poem, which was very typical for the Greeks at the time. It’s also possible for Patrolcus to be older than him, too.)

Aeneas was only a teenager when he fled Troy. (According to Homer, he was the best warrior in Troy after Hector and his fate is unknown. In Virgil’s Aeneid, he’s most definitely not a teenager.)

The Trojans worshiped the Greek gods. (We’re not sure whether they did or not or whether Troy was a dependent of the Hittites {it’s said to be located in modern Turkey by the way} or Mycenae. Also, the Greek architecture should look more like Knossos as well as more or less Egyptian. Besides, we don’t know whether the Greeks worshiped their gods in the same context then either.)

Agamemnon and Menelaus had an easy time getting other Greek kings to fight for them. (According to Homer, this was made easier by Odysseus’ meddling. In actuality, getting multiple kings to fight for each other makes cat herding look easy. Oh, and Mycenean Greeks were under a more feudal society more akin to medieval Europe or Medieval and Shogunate Japan.)

The Greeks won the Trojan War with sneaking themselves in Troy with a Trojan horse. (I’m not sure if the Trojans would be that stupid or if such tactics would work. Hell, Moses parting the Red Sea is more believable than this. Still, there’s a theory that the Trojan Horse is an allegory of a timely earthquake.)

Helen of Sparta chose to marry Menelaus. (Even The Illiad doesn’t make this bogus claim. Also, Menelaus had to marry her before he could become king of Sparta anyway.)

Helen of Sparta and Paris had a loving relationship. (According to Homer, Paris was a philandering and cowardly jerk even by Trojan standards who gets his ass beat by Menelaus {who’s no way considered the best Greek warrior}. Furthermore, when Helen is accused of being a slut, Paris doesn’t defend her thinking it’s Hector’s job. Also, we’re not sure if Helen even consented on leaving Sparta with Paris, but if she did, she certainly regretted it and feels very guilty about starting the Trojan War in the first place. Still, by The Illiad, their relationship has considerably cooled and let’s say that the only Trojans Helen generally respects are Prince Hector and King Priam since they’re actually nice to her.)

Troy was destroyed in the Trojan War. (Recent archaeology says it’s possible that it held on for a few centuries. Furthermore, there may have been other cities in present day Turkey attacked by the Greeks with Troy only being one of them.)

Alexander the Great:

Alexander the Great was straight. (Historians aren’t really sure what his sexual orientation was. Let’s say he just humped anything that moves.)

Alexander the Great was tall and imposing with blond hair. (It’s said he was more or less short and stocky by Macedonian standards as well as had twisty neck and eyes of two different colors. Nothing like Colin Farrell in the least.)

Herodotus recounted the events of Alexander the Great’s life. (He died 70 years before Alexander the Great was born.)

Alexander the Great was wounded with an arrow in his chest at the Hydapses and nearly died. (He was wounded in a later siege in what is now Mutan, Pakistan. Also, he won at Hydapses but you wouldn’t know it from Alexander.)

Ancient Europe:

The Celts were uncivilized barbarians who fought naked and participated in barbaric rituals like human sacrifice. (Sure the Celts were a warrior culture headed by kings and nobles but even though they didn’t have writing, they did have civilization and their women had more rights. Not to mention, the Celtic culture wasn’t homogenous as was the case with the Greeks and the Mayans. Besides, most civilizations in the ancient world had their share of barbarity. Same goes for the Germanic tribes.)

Celts usually had red or blond hair as well as blue, gray, and green eyes. (Brown haired and brown eyed Celts also existed. Same goes for Germanic tribes.)

Pictish is Scotch Gaelic. (No record of the Pictish language exists and the Scottish people in Centurion didn’t want to speak Welsh.)

Druids worshiped Zeus. (They were Celts so they most certainly did not.)

The Picts fought the Romans in the 2nd century. (They don’t appear in the historical records until 297 AD. If they were fighting the Scots in the 2nd century, it would’ve been the Caldones.)

Carthage:

The Arab women stripped the dead soldiers of their clothing during the Punic Wars. (There were no Arabs in North Africa during the Punic Wars, and no, Carthaginian civilians didn’t scavenge dead soldiers either.)

Unclassified:

The Hebrews looked just like modern-day white Americans while the Romans resembled Englishmen and spoke in English accents.

Greeks and Romans resembled Northern and Western Europeans.

The civilizations of Greece and Rome tend to look pretty much the same as if they existed around the same time and almost every ancient Greek city looks like Athens.

Greek and Roman galleys were rowed by slaves and condemned criminals. (Galley rowers were free men for it was a highly skilled job and only relied on slaves when they couldn’t get anyone else. And to a slave, galley rowing had good benefits like the potential for freedom. As for condemned criminals, there’s no evidence to support it, even if it is depicted in Ben Hur. Rather the use of galley slaves and prisoners was used far more frequently during the Middle Ages and beyond.)

The Greeks and Romans wore white. (Actually they wore clothes of all kinds of bright colors.)

Everything in Greece and Rome was written on scrolls. (The Romans used books.)

Hospitality wasn’t a big deal in the ancient world. (Are you kidding me? Being a bad host or guest could result in death or destruction. It was deemed so sacred that Sodom and Gomorrah were both destroyed over hospitality violations. Of course, as traveling conditions could be in the ancient world, there’s a good reason why hospitality was deemed so sacred. Heck, Jesus talks about it a lot, too.)

Greek Mythology Reexamined: Significant Mortals and Demi-Gods

Last time, I posted about the Greek gods an their great and not so great exploits if you’re stuck in their mythological universe. This time I write about the significant mortals and demi-gods most likely featured in Greek myths. In many ways, they’re a diverse lot with heroes, maidens, and other figures. Some were the children of gods and others were just regular people who made good. Yet, some might have suffered tragic fates since someone tried to avoid fulfilling a prophecy without using much common sense. Still, either way, they’ve inspired all kinds of literature and movies as well as tend being depicted better or worse than in actual mythology. So without further adieu, here is a cheat sheet of significant mortals and demi-gods in most Greek mythology mediums.

1. Heracles (or Hercules)

Heracles capturing Cerberus in the Underworld not to be confused with the resident ferocious three-headed dog Fluffy in Harry Potter. Sure he may have super strength to take on the gods, but he has a bad temper, kids all over the place, and had two episodes of insanity. Oh, and was killed by a poisoned shirt. Yet, to the ancient Greeks he was Superman.

Heracles capturing Cerberus in the Underworld not to be confused with the resident ferocious three-headed dog Fluffy in Harry Potter. Sure he may have super strength to take on the gods, but he has a bad temper, kids all over the place, and had two episodes of insanity. Oh, and was killed by a poisoned shirt. Yet, to the ancient Greeks he was Superman.

You know him as: One of Ancient Greece’s most beloved mythical heroes known for his super strength (which surpasses many Greek gods) and performing his Twelve Labors as well as whatever stepmother Hera threw at him. In many ways, an epitome of Greek manhood with his sexual prowess, athletic skill, and success in war though smart enough to use his wits when needed (the Spartans, Greek kings, and Alexander the Great claimed descent from him) who shows up whenever a strong man is needed. Upon his death he was made a god. In some ways, the Ancient Greek equivalent to a modern day superhero.

What you don’t know about him: That Heracles performed his Twelve Labors as penance for killing his first wife and children during a bout of insanity thanks to Hera. Though he’s said to do a world of good and was willing to help his friends, he’s not exactly a paragon of heroic virtue since he killed more than one innocent person for being to close to him during one of his temper flare-ups (he did  show remorse though). He was also prone for starting a huge war over a mere verbal insult. Also, had to live as a woman for three years after killing a king and his family. Still, didn’t take well being cheated by his enemies and was killed by his third wife with a poisoned shirt.

2. Perseus

Perseus is smart enough to realize that Medusa's head is a very effective weapon against bad kings who want to marry his mom as well as sea monsters. Still, he couldn't have done it without the gods help though. Add to the fact he was chosen to slew Medusa.

Perseus is smart enough to realize that Medusa’s head is a very effective weapon against bad kings who want to marry his mom as well as sea monsters. Still, he couldn’t have done it without the gods help though. Add to the fact he was chosen to slew Medusa.

You know him as: The guy who killed Medusa and saved Andromeda from a sea monster (which wasn’t a Kracken by the way) with quick thinking outside the box as well as gifts and stuff he stole from the gods. Was great to his mom and contrary to what Disney would’ve told you, he rode Pegasus, not Hercules.

What you don’t know about him: Actually killed Medusa just to save his mother from marrying the evil king Polydectes who he later killed by using her head at him. Still, he only killed Medusa because the gods wanted him to and she may not have deserved their wrath (said to be a priestess to Athena who Poseidon might’ve raped and was turned into a monster by Athena). Not to mention, he might’ve been involved with the death of his grandpa which was said to be an accident (of course, he did drive his mom out after the golden shower incident with Zeus). Also, said to be the founder of and king of Mycenae according to the Ancient Greeks. Still, though he might’ve been the chosen one, he was one of the nicer Greek heroes who was a loving son and faithful husband, rarity in Greek mythology.

3. Atalanta

Hangs out in the woods, kills ferocious animals, has guys compete with her in athletic competitions at the cost of their lives, and is distracted by shiny things. Yet, after she gets married and makes love to her husband in a temple, is turned into a lion.

Hangs out in the woods, kills ferocious animals, has guys compete with her in athletic competitions at the cost of their lives, and is distracted by shiny things. Yet, after she gets married and makes love to her husband in a temple, is turned into a lion.

You know her as: Greek mythology’s most famous heroine known for being very fast, unwilling to marry, and hunt in the woods. Her dad also abandoned her at infancy for not being a boy as well as won in a Calydonian boar hunt for drawing first blood. Made a deal to only marry a guy who’d beat her in a foot race and any guy who lost to her would be executed. However, with a guy like Hippomenes and a few golden apples, she met her match.

What you don’t know about her: That her winning the Calydonian boar hunt led to a family disintegration of one of her admirers which yielded fatal results. She also had a son named Parthenopaios though his paternity varies according to version (Hippomenes, Ares, or Melager were suggested) who’d also have his own story. Yet, she was also said to abandon him, too, in order to hide she wasn’t a virgin anymore. As for her and Hippomenes, they would be later turned into lions for having sex in one of Zeus’ temples (of course, Ancient Greeks thought that lions couldn’t mate with each other contrary to science). Also, said to be one of the Argonauts along with Heracles (and Philocetes who wasn’t a satyr).

4. Medea

With her great powers of sorcery she will do anything she could to help you obtain the Golden Fleece, even if she has to go against your family. However, if you promise to stay with her forever, don't ever cast her aside, or she will let all hell break loose before escaping on her golden chariot.

With her great powers of sorcery she will do anything she could to help you obtain the Golden Fleece, even if she has to go against your family. However, if you promise to stay with her forever, don’t ever cast her aside, or she will let all hell break loose before escaping on her golden chariot.

You know her as: A powerful demi-goddess and princess of a distant kingdom who falls in love with Jason as well as helps him obtain the Golden Fleece while betraying her father and brother (and killing him) in the process. She is said to restore the dead to a younger and healthier state as well as could kill immortals with a mere look. She even accompanied him on the return trip in which he promises to stay with her forever and they had two boys together. However, once home, Jason sets to marry Creusa to strengthen political ties with Corinth so she killed his fiancee an her dad as well as their kids (in some versions) before taking off on her grandfather Helios’ chariot to Athens (some say she might’ve set Corinth on fire or have the city hit by an earthquake). Of course, Ancient Greeks thought she was totally justified since a woman dumped at the time could result in having her children killed or enslaved anyway.

What you don’t know about her: After her life with Jason, she’s said to heal Heracles at Thebes before driven out of town as well as marry King Aegeus in Athens making her stepmother to Thesseus who she tried to poison to ensure her own son would get the throne but escaped when the scheme produced the exact opposite result. Some say returned home to kill her uncle and restore her dad to his throne or went to Iran depending on the version. Said to have become a goddess after her death.

5. Orpheus

So his wife is dead and he goes all the way to the Underworld just to bring her back and lose her just the same. Perhaps it would've been better if he'd just go there for a visit or seek grief counseling, seriously. Still, he ends up being ripped apart by the end anyway.

So his wife is dead and he goes all the way to the Underworld just to bring her back and lose her just the same. Perhaps it would’ve been better if he’d just go there for a visit or seek grief counseling, seriously. Still, he ends up being ripped apart by the end anyway.

You know him as: The guy who can charm all living things with his music as well as even Hades an Peresphone. Tries to get his wife Eurydice back from the Underworld after she dies but fails when he looks back at her during the journey to the upper world either for being careless or not fully trusting Hades, which leaves him heartbroken.

What you don’t know about him: He was an Argonaut with Jason as well as the son of the muse Calliope. He never recovered from losing Eurydice in the Underworld and disdained the worship of all gods save Apollo and was eventually ripped apart by the Maenad nymphs for not honoring his previous patron Dionysus (there are other versions though). Still, some accounts said he didn’t really die and was still singing sad songs until the people of Lesbos buried his head and built a shrine in his honor.

6. Odysseus

Spent ten years fighting a war in Troy he managed to win with his intelligence and cunning only to spend ten more years trying to get home to his family after blinding and pissing off a cyclops.

Spent ten years fighting a war in Troy he managed to win with his intelligence and cunning only to spend ten more years trying to get home to his family after blinding and pissing off a cyclops. Granted the cyclops wanted to eat his sailors but boasting about it to him?

You know him as: The king of Ithaca who left to fight the Trojan war and trying to return home while leaving a wife and son at home for twenty years. Of course, he also helped ally the Kings of Greece for Helen’s hand as well as came up with the idea of the Trojan Horse to capture the Troy and end the war (which lasted for ten years). However, he had to apply his intelligence and cunning as well as his willingness to take advice from Nestor or anyone else. Yet, he also spends the next ten years trying to get home to his family in Ithaca but his pride as well as gouging and boasting about blinding Poseidon’s son Polythemos doesn’t do him any favors and his daddy makes the trip a nightmare (though the cyclops also tried to eat his fellow sailors). Sure he may have had sexual relationships Circe and Calypso but they were goddesses and weren’t really consensual on his part. He does come home to his wife Penelope (thanks to Athena) and him and his son, Telamachus kill all her suitors and maids allied with them.

What you don’t know about him: That Penelope didn’t recognize him when he came back for obvious reasons (since it was twenty years since she last saw him) until she said their bed was moved but he says it would be impossible since he carved the thing. Not to mention, the citizens of Ithaca weren’t too pleased with him killing his wife’s suitors but Athena tries to get both sides to make peace. Also, he was an influential champion in the Trojan war with a long list of accomplishments including winning Achiles’ armor through persuasion as well as has a lot of fanfiction attributed to him in non-Homeric continuations (and yes, the ancient Greeks weren’t above doing this with some depicting him and his wife both cheating on each other and him dying at sea). And then there’s a dispute whether Laertes or Sisyphus was his real father.

7. Agamemnon

So he spent ten years fighting a war in Troy after his sister-in-law ran off with Paris and he successfully managed to win after sacrificing his daughter and having a bunch of other guys die under him. Comes home to find his wife cheating on him and eventually killing him. Apparently dysfunction runs in his family.

So he spent ten years fighting a war in Troy after his sister-in-law ran off with Paris and he successfully managed to win after sacrificing his daughter and having a bunch of other guys die under him. Comes home to find his wife cheating on him and eventually killing him. Apparently dysfunction runs in his family.

You know him as: The king of Mycenae as well as leader of the Greek forces during the Trojan War and Menelaus’  older brother who has the most ships than anyone else. Manages to get in a fight with Achilles which nearly results in his army’s defeat as well as pisses off Artemis after killing a deer in which he has to sacrifice his daughter Ipheginia for a favorable wind. May not be as smart as Odysseus but does give him good advice before they part ways. However, unlike Odysseus, he does not return to a happy home and is killed by his wife Clytemnestra and her boyfriend. His kids Orestes and Electra kill them both in retaliation and are driven insane by the Furies at least for awhile.

What you don’t know about him: That Agamemnon’s family was so screwed up with a family history that reads like a Game of Thrones marathon complete with rape, murder, incest, and treachery. And Menelaus is about one of the only adult members who doesn’t do something unforgivable and probably married Helen just to get the hell out of Mycenae (and become king of Sparta and the fact Agamemnon was married to her sister). Also, took Cassandra as a concubine from Troy but she was killed by Orestes and Electra. Still, he was no more evil than the other Greek or Trojan warriors.

8. Telamonean Ajax or Ajax the Great

Second best fighter of the Greeks who kept fighting even when the gods deserted the field despite being wounded. Has a body count roughly equal to his cousin Achilles and was never beaten in a fight. Name lives on as a brand for cleaning products.

Second best fighter of the Greeks who kept fighting even when the gods deserted the field despite being wounded. Has a body count roughly equal to his cousin Achilles and was never beaten in a fight. Name lives on as a brand for cleaning products.

You know him as: King of Salamis and the biggest soldier among the Greek forces during the Trojan War who’s determined to follow his will even without help from the gods as well as the second best warrior. He’s a cousin to Achilles and their dads were Argonauts and companions of Heracles. Still, when the gods stopped helping the Greeks, he’s the only hero standing who never stops fighting despite being wounded by several gods. He never gets beaten not even by the gods, has a body count roughly equal to Achilles, and would’ve killed Hector if the gods weren’t there to save his life. Just as smart as Odysseus who is close to his half-brother Teucer and could be a pretty decent guy outside the battlefield. His pride and individualism eventually lead him to be driven mad by Athena and he ends up committing suicide shortly after.

What you don’t know about him: That he fought against Hector twice and actually went on a sadistic sheep killing rampage. Also, he didn’t take it too well when Odysseus gets Achilles’ armor. Not to mention, archaeologists might have found a palace which might’ve been his home on Salamis and he’s been popular among the people there sort of like a folk hero. Still, while there’s no evidence that he existed, his house certainly did. Oh, and there’s a line of cleaning products named after him.

9. Achilles

Sure he's the best they got on the Greek side and all but he's only in it because he likes killing people. He cares more about himself than anyone else and is one of the biggest jerks in ancient literature. Yet, he spends less time than his compatriots on the battlefield and sometimes has to be coaxed out of his tent. Also, a bit weak in the heels if you know what I mean.

Sure he’s the best they got on the Greek side and all but he’s only in it because he likes killing people. He cares more about himself than anyone else and is one of the biggest jerks in ancient literature. Yet, he spends less time than his compatriots on the battlefield and sometimes has to be coaxed out of his tent. Also, a bit weak in the heels if you know what I mean.

You know him as: The Greek hero of the Trojan war and cousin of Ajax. Said to have his mother Thetis dip him in the river Styx when he was a kid in order to be invincible though she held him by the heels (we’ll get to that later). I mean he beats a local river god while crossing a river. Though one of the biggest jerks of ancient literature (since he has facing a lot of stiff competition even in Greek mythology in that department), he has his moments such as being upset at Agamemnon for justifiable reasons and bringing Hector’s body to his family after killing him. And then there’s him falling in love with a dead Amazonian queen as well as his relationship with Patroclus. Basically fights because he likes it and not for honor or gain even if it means an early death. Is killed by a poison arrow shot by Paris either in the heel or somewhere else depending on the version.

What you don’t know about him: Contrary to popular media, his experience in the battlefield is minimal compared to the other kings participating. Also, the judgement of Paris is supposed to take place at his parents wedding and that Zeus and Poseidon both had designs on his mom (and that Greek storytellers may not be very good at math or that Achilles was born some time before then but I highly doubt it). His father was king of the Myrmidons and his mother was a nymph and a goddess (and he was said to be a mamma’s boy with good reason). Not to mention, he didn’t give Hector’s body back to Priam after mutilating it in retaliation for killing Patroclus who may have been more than his best friend which he blamed himself for (you’d never know about these relationships in Greek mythology but he’s said to have kids though). Still, though he was a raging killing machine, he had a lot of trouble caring about anybody but himself and sometimes Agamemnon had to coax him into fighting. And when he does, he doesn’t learn the lesson of team work and friendship.

10. Hector

Just a decent family man whose crown prince of Troy and can cut you in a million pieces. Unless you're Achilles, which in this case, he will run away when he shows up because you don't want to meet him in a fight. Knew that kidnapping Helen was spectacularly stupid but has too much honor to do the reasonable thing. But when he dies, Troy will fall soon after him.

Just a decent family man whose crown prince of Troy and can cut you in a million pieces. Unless you’re Achilles, which in this case, he will run away when he shows up because you don’t want to meet him in a fight. Knew that kidnapping Helen was spectacularly stupid but has too much honor to do the reasonable thing. But when he dies, Troy will fall soon after him.

You know him as: The crown prince of Troy and Trojan hero of the Trojan War. A noted family man with wife Andromache and little boy Astyanax (seriously?). The only guy among the Trojans who thinks that kidnapping Helen from Menelaus was a spectacularly stupid idea (you think?) but can’t really avoid fighting once the war’s on. One of the only decent guys of the whole lot who just wants to live a quiet life. Too bad he never gets that chance since he’s killed by Achilles after he slays his best buddy Patroclus. Luckily his foe brings his body back to his dad Priam. Had a fan following during the Middle Ages as well as modern times. Doesn’t hurt that he has a name most would consider normal by today’s standards.

What you don’t know about him: That Hector probably would’ve died in the Trojan War earlier if the gods didn’t save him in some of the duels he fought. Also, he mutilated Patroclus’ corpse to Achilles’ ire and only attacked him with a swarm of men. And he tries to flee when Achilles (or whoever he thinks is Achilles) confronts him and is only willing to fight him when he thinks his brother Deiphobus is with him. Still, that’s kind of understandable since you don’t want to one-on-one with a Achilles and he kind of knew he was a goner in such situation. Yet, he’s one of the few people in Troy to treat Helen decently despite having every right not to and she actually mourns for him. However, while he may be a great warrior and decent guy, he’s nowhere near as heroic than his depiction in modern portrayals. And he doesn’t really listen to advice as well as overconfident. Also, after his death, his wife and sister become sex slaves (his mother becomes a slave, too) while his son is thrown from the city walls.

11. Paris

Started the whole Trojan War by judging a divine beauty contest and running off with somebody else's wife. Is destined to damn Troy and is seen as a philandering, cowardly jerk even by his own people and both sides want him dead. Ends up killing Achilles with a poisoned arrow instead until his own demise.

Started the whole Trojan War by judging a divine beauty contest and running off with somebody else’s wife. Is destined to damn Troy and is seen as a philandering, cowardly jerk even by his own people and both sides want him dead. Ends up killing Achilles with a poisoned arrow instead until his own demise.

You know him as: The guy who started this whole mess by choosing Aphrodite as a winner in a divine beauty contest and asked for Helen as his prize, despite her being already married to Menelaus. Oh, yes, and he goes to Sparta and runs off to Troy with Helen causing her husband to invoke an alliance with the other Greek kings, which kicks off the whole ten year Trojan War. Also, fights as an archer during the war and kills Achilles in retaliation for him killing his brother Hector as well as duels with Menelaus before Aphrodite spirits him away (of course, neither are said to be very good soldiers but the Spartan king could’ve kicked his ass even bare handed). Gets killed by Philocetes (who’s not a satyr.)

What you don’t know about him: That he already had a girlfriend who was a nymph named Onene who knew prophecy and medicine which he later dumped for Helen. Oh, and he usually relies on Aphrodite to bail his ass out as well as turns to archery due to his fear on the front lines (which in ancient Greek terms makes him a dirty coward). Also, even the Trojans think he’s a philandering, cowardly jerk responsible for the war and were rooting for Menelaus to crush his ass. Not to mention, everyone in Troy knew he was foretold to damn Troy since he was a baby and his dad took great pains to kill him but no one had the heart to do it (as with most Greek works). And though he abducts her, he doesn’t defend Helen when other Trojans call her a whore (Hector and Priam do though). Not to mention, his kidnapping Helen breaks serious hospitality values (taken very seriously in the ancient world) and has plenty of political ramifications for Menelaus.

12. Helen

Seen as the most beautiful woman in her day that she got plenty of unwanted attention since she was a little girl when Thesseus tried to abduct her. Fast forward when she's with Menelaus and she's abducted and brought to Troy by Paris which may not have been what she wanted. Has a miserable time in Troy and just when she may get to go home after Paris dies she gets passed to her brother Deiphobus. Luckily she gets to return to Menelaus again but it takes ten years and a lot of men dying in the process.

Seen as the most beautiful woman in her day that she got plenty of unwanted attention since she was a little girl when Thesseus tried to abduct her. Fast forward when she’s with Menelaus and she’s abducted and brought to Troy by Paris which may not have been what she wanted. Has a miserable time in Troy and just when she may get to go home after Paris dies she gets passed to her brother Deiphobus. Luckily she gets to return to Menelaus again but it takes ten years and a lot of men dying in the process.

You know her as: The woman who launched a thousand ships after she was abducted by Paris (though he more or less started it). She was also Queen of Sparta and Menelaus’ wife  (in an arranged marriage) as well as considered one of the most beautiful woman in the area and gets a lot of unwanted attention for it. Was in Troy during war as Paris’ wife and later married to his brother Deiphobus after he was killed. Once he’s killed during the Greek sack of Troy, she goes back to Menelaus. Also, she was nearly kidnapped by Thesseus and his buddy when she was a girl but brothers Castor and Pollux save her. Said to have been conceived during her mother’s encounter with Zeus disguised as a swan.

What you don’t know about her: That she probably may or may not have consented to running off with Paris to Troy and perhaps may or may not have had feelings for him depending on the version. Also, she calls Aphrodite a jerk when she urges her to sleep with him and only seems to have kind words for Hector and Priam (as far as Homer is concerned). Oh, and her brothers were both killed in the Trojan War as well as feels a lot of guilt over the whole thing but only because so many Greeks were killed. And it’s said when she and Menelaus get back together, their marriage is strained (which is understandable), but at least she gets a better deal than her sister Clytemnestra.

13. Theseus

Born an illegitimate prince, he had to do almost everything on his own and didn't have an easy time. Known for killing serial killers, bandits, and the Minotaur but abandons the woman who helped him and forgets to change the sails. As a result his dad kills himself. Has a nasty tendency of kidnapping women against their will or their husbands.'

Born an illegitimate prince, he had to do almost everything on his own and didn’t have an easy time. Known for killing serial killers, bandits, and the Minotaur but abandons the woman who helped him and forgets to change the sails. As a result his dad kills himself. Has a nasty tendency of kidnapping women against their will or their husbands.’

You know him as: The guy who slew the Minotaur in the Labyrinth at Crete during the regular sacrifice and with help from Ariadne (who was the Minotaur’s sister). He also slew and sacrificed the Marathonian Bull in order to be recognized as King Aegeus’ son (though he may have been Poseidon’s kid). Was king of Athens and married the Amazon queen Hippolyta and Phaedra (who later tries to bang her stepson Hippolytus which ends very badly). Also, known for killing serial killers and bandits (kind of like an ancient Greek version of Dexter that is if Dexter actually had to kill a guy with a bull head and everyone knew about his deeds). Not to mention, he appears in stories involving Heracles, Oedipus, and Medea with the first two turning to him for asylum.

What you don’t know about him: Although he may have been a son of a king (or god), he basically had to do almost everything on his own. After the Minotaur slaying, was a massive jerk to Ariadne and her sister Phaedra who he abandoned on the island (though some versions said he was forced to but at least Ariadne got a happy ending, Phaedra not so much). Also, forgot to change the sails when returning home resulting in Aegeus’ suicide. Had a nasty habit of kidnapping women against their will or their husbands.’ Notable abductions include kidnapping his first wife which started a war and him and his buddy’s attempt to kidnap Helen and Persephone even if he knew it wasn’t a good idea (but unlike his buddy, he lived). Almost got poisoned by Medea.

14. Oedipus

Kills his dad for cutting him in traffic and marries his mom to become King of Thebes. Twenty years and four kids later, plague strikes because someone killed the last king. Has to bring killer to justice but then finds out he's adopted and he's already committed patricide and incest. Proceeds to gouge his eyes out. Frankly, he's irony's bitch.

Kills his dad for cutting him in traffic and marries his mom to become King of Thebes. Twenty years and four kids later, plague strikes because someone killed the last king. Has to bring killer to justice but then finds out he’s adopted and he’s already committed patricide and incest. Proceeds to gouge his eyes out. Frankly, he’s irony’s bitch.

You know him as: Literally the most famous motherfucker who ever lived and where we get the term Oedipus Complex (though he didn’t really suffer from it since he killed his dad and married his mom without deliberation or knowingly). He also kills his dad for cutting him off in traffic and being an asshole. Of course, he didn’t know it until right before he gouged his eyes out at the revelation because the people he thought were his parents never told him he was adopted at a time as well as who his real parents were when having no known direct ancestry could cause no end in problems for a guy in a prominent position like King of Thebes. Also, known for solving the Riddle of the Sphinx. Of course, this would make his two sons his half-brothers and his two daughters his half-sisters. Though he was foretold to kill his dad and wind up with mom which his parents took great pains to avoid by abandoning him, the prophecy probably would’ve never been fulfilled if he was raised by his parents in the first place. Not to mention, if you follow Sophocles, his kids become pretty messed up as well.

What you don’t know about him: That the tragedy surrounding Oedipus is that he was actually a good king who committed patricide and two decades long incest without even knowing it before it was too late. However, eventually he had to find out about it twenty years later amid a crisis in Thebes in which whoever killed King Laius must be brought to justice. Well, guess who becomes irony’s bitch to the self-fulfilling prophecy? Of course, his fate depends on version since Sophocles says he gave up the throne and exiled himself while Homer states he ruled until his death. And in Greek mythology, prophecies will always come true.

15. Cassandra

The Trojan princess who would rather be a virgin than make good use on her talents for prophecy. Sure she could tell the future but no one's going to believe her and Troy burns anyway. Can only get worse from here like being raped, enslaved, and killed. No wonder she went nuts.

The Trojan princess who would rather be a virgin than make good use on her talents for prophecy. Sure she could tell the future but no one’s going to believe her and Troy burns anyway. Can only get worse from here like being raped, enslaved, and killed. No wonder she went nuts.

You know her as: The beautiful Trojan princess  who could tell the future but no one would believer because she was cursed by Apollo after his thwarted rape attempt. And all her prophecies would come true, especially when it pertained to Troy falling in a fiery blaze. She also ends up losing most of her male relatives as well as losing her sanity and gets to watch Troy burn. The Trojans should’ve listened to her big time.

What you don’t know about her: It gets worse. When the Trojan War is over, she hides in the Temple of Athena but is kidnapped and violently raped by Ajax the Lesser and later becomes Agamemnon’s concubine as well as taken to Mycenae. Oh, and she later gets killed by Clytemnestra. As a princess, her story veers in the exact opposite as you’d see in a Disney movie in which she doesn’t live happily ever after at all.

Greek Mythology Reexamined: The Gods

Whether we like it or not, Greek mythology has always been part of our culture and these we’re constantly drawn to it for various reasons since it usually consists of one epic soap opera with monsters, fighting, and characters who suffer terrible fates for lacking common sense. Like many ancient cultures, Ancient Greece had a pantheon of gods who were just as human as themselves as well as deities you shouldn’t piss off. This did not mean that they also caused their share of trouble and piss off each other off (resulting in a very dysfunctional family like most pantheons). However, we must be aware that not all Greek mythologies are consistent here and sometimes modern culture has a habit of depicting them differently than they were originally presented. Still, there are plenty of Greek gods so I’m only going to name the most important of these deities who appear in most of the myths. And I’m not going to cover the previous generations either since that gets too complicated. So without further adieu, if you’re stuck in a Greek mythological world, here’s a short cheat sheet on what to expect from them.

1. Zeus

Apparently, being the King of Mount Olympus means being as much of an asshole as you want. Or maybe he's the boss because he knows how to keep a bunch of assholes in line. Either way, he's a major jerk who humps anything that moves without without considering his wife's feelings, treats his kids however he feels like it, and can screw mortals in anyway he sees fit. Yeah, major jackass.

Apparently, being the King of Mount Olympus means being as much of an asshole as you want. Or maybe he’s the boss because he knows how to keep a bunch of assholes in line. Either way, he’s a major jerk who humps anything that moves without without considering his wife’s feelings, treats his kids however he feels like it, and can screw mortals in anyway he sees fit. Yeah, major jackass.

AKA: Jupiter, Jove

Domain: King and Patriarch of the Gods on Mount Olympus and is associated with sky, thunder, leadership, law, oaths, rain, and hospitality then a very sacred thing in the ancient world.

Pro: He’s considered as perhaps the toughest and most powerful god in the bunch (and became king of the gods by triumphing over his dad Chronos and putting the end of the Titan’s rule) as well as someone even the other gods don’t want to piss off (considering the Greek mythos, this is an asset since someone needs to keep this bunch in line). Also, he hates liars, oath breakers, and the unjust and won’t hesitate to punish the truly vile. But he does tend to show up and help others on a good day. Still, despite his character flaws, he’s usually a guy you’d want on your side but usually tries to remain neutral.

Con: He’s been very prone to cause a lot of trouble in mythos because he can’t keep it in his pants and will go for anyone that moves in any form and whether they want it or not. As a parent, he doesn’t really treat all his kids equally and wouldn’t hesitate offing some of them either (and let me say, he has a shitload of kids divine and mortal). Also, has major hypocrisy issues despite being a god of justice, especially in his personal life as well as performed other highly questionable actions. Not to mention, will do everything he could to stay in power (for good reasons). Yet, he also could be unpredictable and the weather depended on his temper. Out of all the Greek gods, he’s probably the biggest asshole.

Patron City: Olympia where the big Statue of Zeus once stood and place of the Ancient Greek Olympic Games which was an event held on behalf of this guy.

Symbols: thunderbolt, eagle, bull, scepter, throne, and oak

2. Hera

Of course, she may be Queen of Mount Olympus but she has major issues with taking out most of her anger over Zeus infidelity on his sexual conquests and illegitimate kids. Of course, she does this since she can't really wring her wrath on Zeus but maybe she should. Still, she's not as much of a bitch as she seems and she and Zeus kind of deserve each other.

Of course, she may be Queen of Mount Olympus but she has major issues with taking out most of her anger over Zeus infidelity on his sexual conquests and illegitimate kids. Of course, she does this since she can’t really wring her wrath on Zeus but maybe she should. Still, she’s not as much of a bitch as she seems and she and Zeus kind of deserve each other.

AKA: Juno

Domain: Queen and Matriarch of the gods on Mount Olympus and is associated with marriage, women, and birth. Zeus’ wife and older sister (though incest is common in ancient pantheons).

Pro: Has Zeus’ weather powers and can also be formidable in a fight even with other gods. Can be a benevolent and fair queen who protects mothers and wives and is very nice toward faithful husbands. Also, it’s not easy having Zeus as a husband though the two seem to genuinely love each other.

Con: Like her husband, she’s extremely volatile and similar in his temperament though she sticks with a guy who constantly cheats on her. Has a tendency to be perpetually ticked off at anyone who wronged her, insulted her, had sex with Zeus, or being any of his love children. Still, though she may have an unjust tendency to unleash her wrath against Zeus’ conquests and love children, this is her only way of getting even since she can’t do anything to her husband besides yell at him. Other offending husbands aren’t so lucky. And while she’s a stepmother from hell (especially to her namesake Heracles {Hercules}), she’s not much better parent to her own children either.

Patron City: Argos but she had a temple in Olympia with a cult figure said to predate Zeus (it was the earliest there) and she was big in Mycenae.

Symbols: pomegranate, peacock, feather, diadem, cow, and lily

3. Poseidon

The old man of the sea who has a nasty temper and could cause all kinds of natural disasters when in a bad mood. On a positive note, he has a cool trident.

The old man of the sea who has a nasty temper and could cause all kinds of natural disasters when in a bad mood. On a positive note, he has a cool trident and likes horses.

AKA: Neptune

Domain: God of the ocean, rivers, floods, droughts, earthquakes, and horses. However, he does not have a fish tail since he wasn’t born the God of the sea but won his rule when he and his brothers drew lots amongst themselves.

Pro: He’s one of the toughest gods and let’s just say you don’t want to mess with any of his kids even if there was a good reason for it. Someone you might want to have on his good side.

Con: While not in his brother Zeus’ league, he does have his share of conquests as well as a shitload of kids (and shares a similar sexual appetite and conduct, though his wife didn’t seem to care since she didn’t want to marry him in the first place). And sometimes his philandering leads to the same problems (like some stories relating to his involvement with Medusa). He can also be very volatile causing storms, shipwrecks, earthquakes, chaotic springs, and drownings with his trident. Definitely not one to mess with.

Patron City: Corinth and most seafaring cities in Ancient Greece and Southern Italian colonies. Yet, he also has great importance in Athens since they had the best navy and Delphi. He may also be one of the oldest Greek gods with roots in the Bronze Age as a chief deity.

Symbols: trident, fish, dolphin, horse, and bull

4. Hades

Despite the image, he's actually one of the least malicious gods you'll ever meet. He's more or less a polite guy doing his job which happens to be on par with running the garbage dump that everybody hates. Oh, yeah, and he's usually makes good on his promises and can't be easily bribed.

Despite the image, he’s actually one of the least malicious gods you’ll ever meet (who is actually devoted and faithful to his wife even if he did kidnap her). He’s more or less a polite guy doing his job which happens to be on par with running the garbage dump that everybody hates. Oh, yeah, and he’s usually makes good on his promises and can’t be easily bribed.

AKA: Pluto, Dis, Clymenus, Polydegmon, Eubuleus, Orcus. Even his own name is a euphemism. Yet, many Ancient Greeks tried to avoid saying his name.

Domain: God of the Underworld reigning over the dead, wealth, and the underground in general. Is not a grim-reaper type figure.

Pro: Despite modern connotations, he isn’t a bad guy and is one of the nicest Greek gods around. He honors his deals and doesn’t screw around in mortal affairs. And he only lashes out when someone has really done him wrong or tries to cheat death (but he does make exceptions and can be rather helpful). Also, despite kidnapping and marrying his niece Persephone, he’s actually a loving, devoted, and faithful husband who actually consulted Zeus before he did the deed. Also, he’s used by the Ancient Greeks as to how terrifying something is and is stinking rich. And he has a cool helmet of invisibility.

Con: Well, he kidnapped Persephone and made her his wife under ambiguous consent (in Ancient Greece kidnapping in marriage was the norm). He’s also a very busy guy with the most subjects to govern in a job that’s rather unpopular but very important resulting in him having the biggest workload among the Greek gods. Also, though he does have a heart, you probably wouldn’t know it since he has the emotional range of a statue and doesn’t have the best personality. Not to mention, his association with death didn’t make him popular in Ancient Greece since they were terrified of it and him, especially since he’s impossible to sweet-talk out of doing something.

Patron City: None, since the Ancient Greeks were terrified of and loathed him due to his association with death and his temples are dedicated anonymously. And let’s just say their attitude of him was rather complex.

Symbols: Cerberus, drinking horn, scepter, cypress, narcissus, and key

5. Hestia

Sweet, mild mannered, personable goddess of the hearth. Also, minds her own business. But kind of boring and forgettable.

Sweet, mild mannered, personable goddess of the hearth. Also, minds her own business. But kind of boring and forgettable.

AKA: Vesta

Domain: Goddess of home, house, and family.

Pro: She’s one of the most moral out of all the Greek gods and usually stays out of her relatives’ antics. She’s also one of the more important deities in the pantheon and one Ancient Greeks would pray most to for their daily troubles as well as had a role in all their religious ceremonies. Has a modest and discreet nature.

Con: She doesn’t appear in most of the mythos despite her importance and is one of the more boring Greek Gods. Also, her discreet and modest nature makes many people forget of her existence in the Pantheon.

Patron City: None, but she was one of the first to have sacrificial offerings and among the most worshiped by Ancient Greeks and was seen as very significant to the center of community and home.

Symbols: hearth and its fire

6. Demeter

She may be the goddess of the harvest but almost destroyed humanity when Hades kidnapped her daughter Persephone. Luckily she gets to see her half the year. Still. starving the world over her daughter may be a bit extreme but understandable.

She may be the goddess of the harvest but almost destroyed humanity when Hades kidnapped her daughter Persephone. Luckily she gets to see her half the year. Still. starving the world over her daughter may be a bit extreme but understandable.

AKA: Ceres

Domain: Goddess of grain, fertility, sacred law, and cycle of life and death.

Pro: Really seems to love her daughter, Persephone that she almost destroyed humanity when she went missing though whether she did it intentionally or out of grief depends on the version. Yet, she’s usually nice unless provoked and once raised a mortal baby. She’s also well liked and widely worshiped by the Ancient Greeks since she was the goddess of agriculture.

Con: She nearly lost it when Hades kidnapped her daughter and doesn’t really seem to take it too kindly to him despite that Persephone gets a good arrangement out of seeing her mom for half a year. Also, she has her share fooling around with mortal and divine men and eight other children who rarely get mentioned (she’s a mother goddess after all).

Patron City: Eleusis since they were the center of the Eleusian Mysteries which pre-dated the Olympian Pantheon, but she had plenty of temples dedicated to her and may be one of the oldest Greek Gods with Bronze Age roots. In fact, she may have had a cult established in 1500 B.C.E. Her major festival is Thesmorphiora which was participated by women only.

Symbols: poppy

7. Aphrodite

Sure she may be the goddess of love and beauty but that doesn't mean she'd make the perfect girlfriend since she's just as much of a bitch as her fellow gods. She sleeps with everyone but her husband, is very fickle, isn't great to her kids, and you don't want to see her when she's angry. Also, is very much a diva and doesn't like other girls deemed prettier than her.

Sure she may be the goddess of love and beauty but that doesn’t mean she’d make the perfect girlfriend since she’s just as much of a bitch as her fellow gods. She sleeps with everyone but her husband, is very fickle, isn’t great to her kids, and you don’t want to see her when she’s angry. Also, is very much a diva and doesn’t like other girls deemed prettier than her.

AKA: Venus

Domain: Goddess of love, beauty, and sexuality as well as associated with looking after children. Well, at least when it comes to sex anyway.

Pro: She doesn’t get angry very often but just don’t piss her off. Not to mention, she’s very much in touch with her sexuality and nobody sees anything wrong with it.

Con: She may be the goddess of love, but has a tendency to stir trouble. For one, she has many lovers and several kids and is really not a great mother herself. Not to mention, she’s married to Hephaestus and he doesn’t get any action from her. Also, she’s very vain and gets pissed off at women deemed prettier even if it’s someone her son Eros wants to be with (Psyche).

Patron City: Cyprus, which was where she started as their chief deity.

Symbols: dolphin, rose, scallop shell, myrtle, dove, sparrow, girdle, mirror, and swan

8. Athena

As far as Greek goddesses go, she's probably the closest thing to being a role model for young girls, by today's standards. She's smart, fierce, and is fairly decent to those who follow the rules though she's not perfect. She's also known to assist heroes and kick other gods' asses. Get on her bad side and she'll give you no mercy.

As far as Greek goddesses go, she’s probably the closest thing to being a role model for young girls, by today’s standards. She’s smart, fierce, and is fairly decent to those who follow the rules though she’s not perfect. She’s also known to assist heroes and kick other gods’ asses. Get on her bad side and she’ll give you no mercy.

AKA: Minerva

Domain: Goddess of wisdom, strategy, industry, defensive war, justice, inspiration, civilization, mathematics, arts, crafts, intelligence and skill.

Pro: She’s one of the smartest and most powerful Greek Gods as well as very tough in her own right (she has taken many gods in a fight). But she’d rather not fight without reasonable cause (but is willing to own up to her mistakes). Yet, despite this she’s very loyal and is willing to help people as long as they were following the rules. She’s also kind to kids as well as raised a few herself and sometimes helps resolve trouble. Though passionate about justice, she’s pretty level headed most of the time.

Con: She doesn’t like being disrespected and can get quite angry and vindictive to those slighting her. Also, doesn’t like people thinking they’re better than her either. And she shows no mercy to people who break the rules.

Patron City: Athens though she may be one of the earliest Greek gods with varied origin stories. Also, the Parthenon is her temple.

Symbol: owl, olive tree, snake, Aegis, armor, helmet, spear, Gorgoneion

9. Apollo

He may be a good looking and popular cool guy who gets all the guys and girls. Yet he also wouldn't hesitate to pull dirty tricks on people if he didn't get his way. He may be a god of light but he's very much a big bully.

He may be a good looking and popular cool guy who gets all the guys and girls. Yet he also wouldn’t hesitate to pull dirty tricks on people if he didn’t get his way. He may be a god of light but he’s very much a big bully.

AKA: He has no other names in Classical mythology and even the Romans referred to him the same way.

Domain: God of light, sun, truth and prophecy, medicine, disease and darkness, music, poetry, archery, knowledge, purity, athleticism, manly beauty, rhetoric, enlightenment, and more. I mean, he has a lot of things associated with him.

Pro: He is very smart, powerful and can be very handy to have on your side. Not to mention, he’s the god of a lot of things and you don’t want to hurt any of his kids either or his mother and sister. Also, he’s one of the more popular Greek gods.

Con: He has a very bad side despite being a very good-looking god. For one, he has a string of lovers and many kids and not all his sexual encounters have been consensual. Not to mention, he’s a guy who always likes to have his way or else, he’d do something very terrible to either mortals or gods like spreading disease, setting them up for murder either way he’d leave them to fate after he’s done with them. And in many ways, he’s one of the biggest jerks on Mount Olympus. Doesn’t have best relationship with sister.

Patron City: Delphi and Delos where the oracles usually resided while he may have had Anatolian, Minoan, or Dorian origins though he’s one of the last to be included. Still, he’s one of the more popular ones though and the Pythian Games were held in his honor.

Symbols: lyre, laurel wreath, python, raven, bow and arrows, and others I can’t list.

10. Artemis

She may be a goddess of the hunt in the woods with her virgin entourage but she has a vicious streak about a mile wide and does not like men at all.

She may be a goddess of the hunt in the woods with her virgin entourage but she has a vicious streak about a mile wide and does not like men at all.

AKA: Diana

Domain: Goddess of young women, virginity, childbirth, the hunt, wild animals, women’s ailments, forests and hills, disease and sudden death, and the moon.

Pro: Is a very good archer as well as hunting and is a friend of nature as well as women in general. Also, as a goddess, she’s known to assist women in childbirth. Can be nice to tree huggers and kids as well. Not to mention, is more concerned with doing her own thing with her female attendants than anything else.

Con: She has a vicious streak about a mile wide and has a string of victims. There’s a lot of things that can piss her off such as boasting about being prettier or being a better hunter than her, being romantically pursued (save maybe one time it didn’t go well or having her attendants fool around), and others. Not to mention, she does not like men and can inflict disease.

Patron City: None, but there was a famous temple of her at Ephesus yet she didn’t want to be a city patron anyway. Also, she may have been one of the earliest Greek gods and might have had Neolithic origins.

Symbols: bow and arrows, stag, hunting dog, bear, deer, and the moon

11. Ares

He may be an imposing and manly god of war but he doesn't have many friends on Mount Olympus and loves going on bloodthirsty killing sprees just for the heck of it all. But if he gets hurt, he'll whine and run to daddy. Also, he's kind of worthless against most non-mortal enemies.

He may be an imposing and manly god of war but he doesn’t have many friends on Mount Olympus and loves going on bloodthirsty killing sprees just for the heck of it all. But if he gets hurt, he’ll whine and run to daddy. Also, he’s kind of worthless against most non-mortal enemies.

AKA: Mars

Domain: God of war, bloodshed, and violence. Some may say he’s the god of unhinged masculinity.

Pro: He’s depicted as a good dad who always supported his kids and tried to protect them unlike many of his fellow gods (and he has a lot of kids). He also loved his mother Hera (though she didn’t love him). He’s also a force to be reckoned with and the embodiment of physical valor in war.

Con: He’s one of the most despised gods in Greek mythology and most of the ancient Greeks didn’t have a high opinion of him either. Heck, even his own parents and other gods hate him. Also, usually goes on bloodthirsty killing sprees on default and has a huge ego but he loses against almost every non-mortal enemy he’s faced. Not to mention, he’s a shameful coward who’d run back and complain to Zeus whenever he was seriously injured. And he’s had a long string of lovers and isn’t always nice to them. He may be a war god, but his effectiveness is constantly in doubt.

Patron City: Sparta since they seem to have a much higher opinion of him than the other Greek city-states, yet he’s also associated with founding Thebes and places like Thrace, Macedonia, and Mani. Also, the Romans really like him as well as viewed him as the founder of their people.

Symbols: spear, helmet, dog, chariot, and boar

12. Hephaestus

He may not be the best looking or most popular god on Olympus, but the pantheon couldn't do without him. Still, no matter how much crap he gets, at least he doesn't take his angst out on mortals.

He may not be the best looking or most popular god on Olympus, but the pantheon couldn’t do without him. Still, no matter how much crap he gets, at least he doesn’t take his angst out on mortals.

AKA: Vulcan (but has nothing to do with Star Trek) however, it’s his nearest Roman equivalent though.

Domain: God of fire, blacksmiths, craftsmen, stone masonry, sculptors, metallurgy, and volcanoes.

Pro: Though crippled and ugly, is probably one of the handy gods who helps fashion things for his fellow Olympians and is associated with technology. He can even make his inanimate creations come to life. He’s also one of the nicer and humbler gods as well as peace loving who never takes his anger out on mortals. Not to mention, there’s a reason why his dad Zeus chose him to marry Aphrodite.

Con: Though he’s married to the constantly unfaithful Aphrodite, he does get around and sire children with others even though he does not take her infidelity well (though theirs is a sexless marriage). Not to mention, he has a tendency to be under appreciated by his fellow deities. Also, did a really sick trick on his mother, Hera even though that might not have been completely undeserved.

Patron City: Lemnos, though he had a considerable following and might have been of Pre-Greek origin, especially in manufacturing and industrial centers of Ancient Greece.

Symbols: hammer, anvil, tongs, and quail

13. Hermes

He deceives, cheats, steals, and whatnot but usually gets away with it, but compared to the others, he's one of the nicest Greek gods you'll meet. If he doesn't like you, then there's a good reason for it and you best watch your back.

He deceives, cheats, steals, and whatnot but usually gets away with it, but compared to the others, he’s one of the nicest Greek gods you’ll meet. If he doesn’t like you, then there’s a good reason for it and you best watch your back.

AKA: Mercury, well, closest Roman equivalent anyway

Domain: Messenger to the Gods and guide to the Underworld as well as associated with commerce, travelers, thieves, sports, athletes, shepherds, cowherds, wit, written language, literature, cunning, boundaries, communication, animal husbandry, and luck.

Pro: Compared to the rest of the gods besides Ares, he’s a model parent and one of the nicest gods who doesn’t judge people based on appearances. He was also nice to other people’s children as well as acted as foster parent to a few (also has a bunch of kids). Not to mention, he’s able to stop Zeus from destroying humanity. Is basically a good friend to anyone who’s nice to him and if he doesn’t like someone, there’s usually a good reason for it.

Con: He’s kind of mischievous but loveable rogue who deceives, cheats, steals, and whatnot as well as usually gets away with it. Like a lot of the Olympians, he also gets around with a string of lovers as well.

Patron City: None, but his oldest temple was in Arcadia and he had a very popular following in which the festival Hermaea consisted of sporting events for only young boys.

Symbols: Caduceus, Talaria, tortoise, lyre, rooster, and snake

14. Dionysus

The closest thing Ancient Greece had to a frat boy god. He's a hedonist party animal with unpredictable moods and bouts with insanity. Can be great fun or an insane sadist like many frat boys. So eat, drink, and be merry, or he'll kill you.

The closest thing Ancient Greece had to a frat boy god. He’s a hedonist party animal with unpredictable moods and bouts with insanity. Can be great fun or an insane sadist like many frat boys. So eat, drink, and be merry, or he’ll kill you.

AKA: Bacchus but also identified with Liber

Domain: God of wine, parties and festivals, drunkenness, drugs, ecstasy, theater, grape harvest, and agriculture. In some ways, he may be interpreted as the god of Greek life as far as modern college campuses are concerned.

Pro: Genuinely loves his wife, Ariadne in some versions despite not being completely faithful to her (well, what do you expect from a god of hedonism?) and cares about his mother to go to the Underworld for her. Is pretty much fun personified and has survived plenty of nasty shit since he was a baby.

Con: He does have a tendency to punish those who piss him off and does have his share of conquests (basically anything that moves but wife doesn’t seem to mind). Also, in some myths, he’s seen as an insane sadist and party animal as well as prone to violent mood swings. Not to mention, doesn’t take kindly to those who object to his debauch and hedonistic ways.

Patron City: None, but though considered a late arrival in the Olympian pantheon, he actually may have been worshiped as early as 1500 B.C.E. but his cult had been much marginalized for a long time. But he was highly popular for very explainable reasons.

Symbols: Thyrsus, grapevine, leopard skin, panther, tiger, and leopard

15. Persephone

She may be the goddess of spring but she's also Queen of the Underworld and is sometimes more feared than her husband, Hades. Still, whether Stockholm Syndrome or not, she must've felt something positive for Hades to be kind of possessive of him.

She may be the goddess of spring but she’s also Queen of the Underworld and is sometimes more feared than her husband, Hades. Still, Stockholm Syndrome or not, she must’ve felt something positive for Hades to be kind of possessive of him. Then again, she and Hades seem to have had a happy marriage by Ancient Greek standards.

AKA: Proserpina

Domain: Queen of the Underworld and associated with vegetation, spring, rejuvenation, and youth

Pro: Though stoic, she can be moved to tears if someone wants to either die in their spouse’s place or bring his or her spouse back. And whether or not she was really abducted by today’s standards, she seems to have loved Hades though missed her mother around the same time.

Con: She may love Hades but she’s not so much faithful to him (she and Aphrodite fought over Adonis). Not to mention, sometimes she’s even feared more by mortals than her own husband and is almost as stoic as he is. And if anyone dare try to seduce Hades, she would show no mercy.

Patron City: She was worshiped in Ancient Greece in ceremonies involving her mother like the Eleusian Mysteries that predated the Olympian pantheon and may have had Bronze Age or Near Eastern roots making her one of the oldest Greek gods. Still, she had more worshipers than Ares.

Symbols: white poplar and mint leaf