Starfleet Approved Star Trek Merchandise from the Final Frontier

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Like any major franchise that attracts a wide range of popularity, Star Trek has always come with a line of merchandise. After all, Trekkies do consist of a viable market. And yes, there are plenty of Star Trek stuff you can imagine. Like space, Star Trek’s product range is infinite. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should buy a tribble any time soon. Because it’s a reason why certain pets are no longer allowed on the Enterprise. Sure Uhura may be a smart girl, but she shouldn’t have bought a tribble from a mysterious vender. Because tribbles breed like rabbits and eat like crazy. However, they don’t like Klingons. Nevertheless, these cute little parasites certainly help make a great Star Trek episode that’s among the most love. Still, outside the Star Trek universe, you’ll find plenty of ridiculous Star Trek gear in this side of the galaxy. And that’s where I bring you. So for your reading pleasure in the Alpha Quadrant, I give you some of the great products from the final frontier. Starfleet approved, I must say.

 

  1. For added buzz, try some Romulan Ale.
However, since it's an energy drink, it's about as bad for you in this universe as in Star Trek. It's even more harmful in Star Trek that it's been banned from the Federation of Planets.

However, since it’s an energy drink, it’s about as bad for you in this universe as in Star Trek. It’s even more harmful in Star Trek that it’s been banned from the Federation of Planets.

2. Now you can bake like Spock with your very own Vulcan sign oven mitt.

Of course, if you bake some treats with this mitt, you're certain not to live long and prosper. Still, you can't help but like this.

Of course, if you bake some treats with this mitt, you’re certain not to live long and prosper. Still, you can’t help but like this.

3. If you want to eat like the O’Briens you might prefer this Star Trek sushi action set.

Here the Enterprise serves as a sushi sauce dish. Not sure about the chopsticks though. But I think they're plastic.

Here the Enterprise serves as a sushi sauce dish. Not sure about the chopsticks though. But I think they’re plastic.

4. For finer diner, perhaps a bottle of Chateau Picard might suit you quite nicely.

This vintage is from a vineyard from 2267. Which is about over 200 years into the future.

This vintage is from a vineyard from 2267. Which is about over 200 years into the future.

5. For the Trekkie cat, resistance to a scratching post like this is futile.

Not sure if there are any feline fans of Star Trek. But this does have a scratch post of the Enterprise and a Klingon ship.

Not sure if there are any feline fans of Star Trek. But this does have a scratch post of the Enterprise and a Klingon ship.

6. When Worf needs to open an envelope, he uses a Bat’leth opener.

Wait a minute, wouldn't they use e-mail or something more sophisticated in the future? I thought so.

Wait a minute, wouldn’t they use e-mail or something more sophisticated in the future? I thought so.

7. As far as bath toys are concerned, this Spock rubber duckie is a logical choice.

Yes, I know it's not logical to depict Spock as a cute bath toy. But hey, this is kind of adorable.

Yes, I know it’s not logical to depict Spock as a cute bath toy. But hey, this is kind of adorable.

8. Learn how to make your own Star Trek costumes with this book.

The costumes in my last post seem more convincing than this. Besides, these look pretty lame compared to what you'd see at a Trekkie convention.

The costumes in my last post seem more convincing than this. Besides, these look pretty lame compared to what you’d see at a Trekkie convention.

9. Put your night to a logical start by wearing a Spock thong.

Really? A Spock thong? Seriously, that's one of the most illogical things you can put Spock's face on. A Kirk thong would make more sense.

Really? A Spock thong? Seriously, that’s one of the most illogical things you can put Spock’s face on. A Kirk thong would make more sense.

10. Be the big guy on the bridge with your very own Captain Kirk chair.

It's a life size replica of Kirk's chair. So I guess this means it must be very expensive. Probably not worth it.

It’s a life size replica of Kirk’s chair. So I guess this means it must be very expensive. Probably not worth it.

11. Nothing makes a more appropriate mess hall utensil than a Star Trek spork.

Really, a Star Trek spork? This is a highly illogical dining utensil, especially if it doesn't come in a set.

Really, a Star Trek spork? This is a highly illogical dining utensil, especially if it doesn’t come in a set.

12. If you love the music from Star Trek, take a moment to listen to Leonard Nimoy’s album, Mr. Spock’s Music from Outer Space.

On second thought, to listen to his album you have to be out of your Vulcan mind. Even more so if you think Nimoy's music video on the Hobbit was anything to be taken seriously.

On second thought, to listen to his album you have to be out of your Vulcan mind. Even more so if you think Nimoy’s music video on the Hobbit was anything to be taken seriously. Yes, it’s that bad.

13. If you like TNG, celebrate the season with a commemorative ornament on your tree of Captain Picard’s assimilation.

Because nothing depicts the joy of Christmas like a beloved Star Trek captain being kidnapped and changed into a mindless cyborg killing machine. Seriously, Hallmark, this is really fucked up.

Because nothing depicts the joy of Christmas like a beloved Star Trek captain being kidnapped and changed into a mindless cyborg killing machine. Seriously, Hallmark, this is really fucked up.

14. Pon Farr cologne is the perfect fragrance to set you in the mood when the time is right.

Which for Vulcans is every 7 years when they mate. However, you really don't want to be anywhere near Vulcans when they're horny.

Which for Vulcans is every 7 years when they mate. However, you really don’t want to be anywhere near Vulcans when they’re horny. Makes me wonder when Spock and Uhura’s first time will be like in the new movies. Well, when Spock’s going through Pon Farr, anyway.

15. For galactic marshmallow fun, you can’t go wrong with a Star Trek marshmallow dispenser.

What the hell? Seriously, why would anyone have a marshmallow dispenser. That's ridiculous. Let alone one as a Star Trek tie-in product.

What the hell? Seriously, why would anyone have a marshmallow dispenser. That’s ridiculous. Let alone one as a Star Trek tie-in product.

16. Grace your tree this Christmas with an ornament of Spock’s farewell to Kirk from Wrath of Khan.

Because nothing brings out the joy of Christmas seeing Kirk and Spock saying goodbye before Spock sacrifices his life for the crew. Sure he gets better, but, Hallmark, is this an appropriate Christmas ornament? Really?

Because nothing brings out the joy of Christmas seeing Kirk and Spock saying goodbye before Spock sacrifices his life for the crew. Sure he gets better, but, Hallmark, is this an appropriate Christmas ornament? Really?

17. In the Federation of Planets, latinum is a general currency.

However, this is probably not real latinum and bound to leave Quark quite angry and disappointed. And this is a guy who takes his money seriously.

However, this is probably not real latinum and bound to leave Quark quite angry and disappointed. And this is a guy who takes his money seriously.

18. Cook some old Star Trek favorites with your very own Star Trek cookbook.

Not sure about having Neelix on the cover though his bad food has more to do with lack of ingredients than anything. Still, some recipes might make you feel like Alan Rickman in Galaxy Quest when he sarcastically remarks, "Just like Mummy used to make."

Not sure about having Neelix on the cover though his bad food has more to do with lack of ingredients than anything. Still, some recipes might make you feel like Alan Rickman in Galaxy Quest when he sarcastically remarks, “Just like Mummy used to make.”

19. When you think tomorrow will never come, try Red Shirt cologne today.

So if you're a Starfleet security officer assigned planet duty, try Red Shirt cologne. Because chances are, you're coming back.

So if you’re a Starfleet security officer assigned planet duty, try Red Shirt cologne. Because chances are, you’re coming back.

20. Nothing graces your china cabinet like a Star Trek Faberge egg.

Yes, this exists. Not sure what makes Star Trek appropriate for a Faberge egg. But I'm sure some rich Trekkie would buy it.

Yes, this exists. Not sure what makes Star Trek appropriate for a Faberge egg. But I’m sure some rich Trekkie would buy it.

21. Like Star Trek: TNG? Then check out these action figures of your favorite characters when they’re seniors.

The Farmer Captain Picard is especially hilarious because Sir Patrick Stewart is 75 and looks very much the same as he did then. Also, why do they have Data even age?

The Farmer Captain Picard is especially hilarious because Sir Patrick Stewart is 75 and looks very much the same as he did then. Also, why do they have Data even age?

22. For Andorian fans, here’s an action figure for you.

From The Robot's Voice: "The host of the 23rd century version of What Not to Wear, the Andorian can help you prep for your date with Captain Kirk or give you advice on how to handle a pissy Vulcan who is experiencing Ponn Farr. Unless he (she?) gets suffocated by some sort of pink fabric monster first. Or could all that pink on the figure just be inflammation of some kind? Better break out the space penicillin to be sure."

From The Robot’s Voice: “The host of the 23rd century version of What Not to Wear, the Andorian can help you prep for your date with Captain Kirk or give you advice on how to handle a pissy Vulcan who is experiencing Ponn
Farr. Unless he (she?) gets suffocated by some sort of pink fabric monster
first. Or could all that pink on the figure just be inflammation of some kind? Better break out the space penicillin to be sure.”

23. Nothing looks better on a formal suit than a pair of cufflinks depicting a logo for the United Federation of Planets.

Let me be frank, I don't think you'd be taken seriously with cufflinks like these unless you're at a Star Trek convention. Seriously, why?

Let me be frank, I don’t think you’d be taken seriously with cufflinks like these unless you’re at a Star Trek convention. Seriously, why?

24. Smoking Trekkies out there might like a cigarette case depicting the first ever Vulcan breast meld.

This has to be photoshopped. Otherwise, bad Spock. You're a really dirty Vulcan man, Spock. I thought you were better than that.

This has to be photoshopped. Otherwise, bad Spock. You’re a really dirty Vulcan man, Spock. I thought you were better than that.

25. Bake a pie out of this world with this Star Trek dish.

Instead of "Beam me up, Scotty," it says, "Eat me up, Scotty." Then again, I'm sure Scotty has an appetite for pastries and whiskey.

Instead of “Beam me up, Scotty,” it says, “Eat me up, Scotty.” Then again, I’m sure Scotty has an appetite for pastries and whiskey.

26. To impress the Trekkie in your life, these nipple pasties will sure please.

Well, I guess I know what the strippers are wearing at a Trekkie convention. Still, these are ridiculous.

Well, I guess I know what the strippers are wearing at a Trekkie convention. Still, these are ridiculous.

27.  No pizza night in the Alpha Quadrant is complete without a pizza cutter of the Enterprise.

Then again, the Enterprise does resemble a pizza cutter. Still, not sure what the pizzas on the ship would look like. Maybe I don't want to know.

Then again, the Enterprise does resemble a pizza cutter. Still, not sure what the pizzas on the ship would look like. Maybe I don’t want to know.

28. For a planetary golfer, this set will sure help their game.

Of course, you'll never see the red putter and golf balls again after use. Still, I think this is crazy. But I'm not a fan of golf.

Of course, you’ll never see the red putter and golf balls again after use. Still, I think this is crazy. But I’m not a fan of golf.

29. For Christmas, celebrate the spirit of the season with a commemorative Hallmark ornament of Kirk and Spock’s fight on Vulcan on what should’ve been his wedding.

Because nothing brings out the spirit of Christmas than your fiancee having you fight your best friend so she won't have to marry you. Of course, it would've been avoided if Spock just dumped her so she could be with the guy she wants.

Because nothing brings out the spirit of Christmas than your fiancee having you fight your best friend to the death so she won’t have to marry you. Of course, it would’ve been avoided if Spock just dumped her so she could be with the guy she wants.

30. Fans of “Menagerie” might enjoy this Captain Pike ornament on their Christmas tree.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing a a guy in a wheelchair after he's been paralyzed and badly injured from an explosion. I don't know why the people at Hallmark thought this was a great idea.

Because nothing says Christmas like seeing a a guy in a wheelchair after he’s been paralyzed and badly injured from an explosion. I don’t know why the people at Hallmark thought this was a great idea.

31. If you like “The Man Trap,” then you’ll probably enjoy a Hallmark ornament of Kirk with the creature from that episode.

For nothing says Christmas like being attacked by a creature that seems to resemble a zombie Abominable Snowman. They're just hugging each other I promise (sarcasm).

For nothing says Christmas like being attacked by a creature that seems to resemble a zombie Abominable Snowman. They’re just hugging each other I promise (sarcasm).

32. Celebrate your galactic Christmas with this Hallmark ornament commemorating Kirk’s epic fight with Gorn.

For nothing says, "Peace on Earth" than being trapped on a planet and forced to fight a humanoid Godzilla like alien to the death against your will in a trial by combat. To be fair, this is a reason why "Arena" turns out to be an unintentionally funny episode.

For nothing says, “Peace on Earth” than being trapped on a planet and forced to fight a humanoid Godzilla like alien to the death against your will in a trial by combat. To be fair, this is a reason why “Arena” turns out to be an unintentionally funny episode.

33. Shirtless Kirk cologne is bound to make you feel like a man who’s just escaped with his life on a hostile planet.

For the male Starfleet captain who's beamed in the nick of time when in an extremely dangerous situation that he only escapes after his shirt's been ripped off his back. Dead red shirt security officers not included.

For the male Starfleet captain who’s beamed in the nick of time when in an extremely dangerous situation that he only escapes after his shirt’s been ripped off his back. Dead red shirt security officers not included.

34. For amusement, it’s said that there’s no better board game for warriors than Klingon Monopoly.

Uh, I'm not sure you'd want to see Klingons playing Monopoly. I guess the winner is the one who's left standing or is still alive.

Uh, I’m not sure you’d want to see Klingons playing Monopoly. I guess the winner is the one who’s left standing or is still alive.

35.  There’s no better beer for a Klingon warrior’s thirst after a battle than War Nog.

And let's hope that Klingons have a very high tolerance for alcohol. Because you really don't want to be near a bunch of Klingons if they're drunk. Or angry. Or horny. Or partying.

And let’s hope that Klingons have a very high tolerance for alcohol. Because you really don’t want to be near a bunch of Klingons if they’re drunk. Or angry. Or horny. Or partying.

36. Plan your trip to the final frontier with your very own Star Trek casket or urn.

Caskets come in 3 variations such as Klingon, Delta Quadrant, and United Federation of Planets. Still, I'm sure it's going to cost much more than a normal casket would.

Caskets come in 3 variations such as Klingon, Delta Quadrant, and United Federation of Planets. Still, I’m sure it’s going to cost much more than a normal casket would.

37. If you prefer a more Trekkie worthy sendoff, this photon torpedo coffin is just for you.

This was inspired by Spock's coffin that was launched in space after he died in Wrath of Khan. Still, I'm not sure if even a die hard Trekkie would buy this or afford it.

This was inspired by Spock’s coffin that was launched in space after he died in Wrath of Khan. Still, I’m not sure if even a die hard Trekkie would buy this or afford it.

38. Star Trek Fun Pix Eggo waffles are part of this galactic breakfast.

Eggo issued these in 2009 when the first reboot Star Trek came out. Of course, let go of Spock's Eggos or you'll find yourself on the receiving end of a Vulcan nerve pinch.

Eggo issued these in 2009 when the first reboot Star Trek came out. Of course, let go of Spock’s Eggos or you’ll find yourself on the receiving end of a Vulcan nerve pinch.

39. Any Star Trek fan is bound to want a limited edition of Star Trek Into Darkness Blue-Ray DVD with piece of a meteorite from the Nantan meteor shower in 1516.

From What Culture: "Now why wouldn't you take a 497-year old meteorite and carve it into a Star Trek symbol, and then glue it onto a DVD case for a one-off edition of Star Trek Into Darkness on Blu-Ray? Called the Meteorite edition, with a limited edition of one, this was given away as a prize win for Total Film magazine earlier in the year. It is bonkers. Next we'll have dinosaur bones carved into toothpicks to promote Colgate toothpaste. The meteorite itself fell in 1516 AD in the Guangxi-Zhaung province of China from the Nantan meteorite shower. It has to be the most ridiculous limited edition bonus item I've ever seen with a home media release. At least thankfully they didn't do a run of a thousand of these."

From What Culture: “Now why wouldn’t you take a 497-year old meteorite and carve it into a Star Trek symbol, and then glue it onto a DVD case for a one-off edition of Star Trek Into Darkness on Blu-Ray? Called the Meteorite edition, with a limited edition of one, this was given away as a prize win for Total Film magazine earlier in the year. It is bonkers. Next we’ll have dinosaur bones carved into toothpicks to promote Colgate toothpaste. The meteorite itself fell in 1516 AD in the Guangxi-Zhaung province of China from the Nantan meteorite shower. It has to be the most ridiculous limited edition bonus item I’ve ever seen with a home media release. At least thankfully they didn’t do a run of a thousand of these.”

40. As we all know Picard always loves his Earl Grey tea. Hot.

Nevertheless, they have a special Star Trek line for that. However, you can buy Earl Grey basically anywhere.

Nevertheless, they have a special Star Trek line for that. However, you can buy Earl Grey basically anywhere.

41. Find your own buried treasure with your very own Star Trek metal detector.

From The Robot's Voice: "Because being seen on the beach with a metal detector wasn?t cool enough, you really need to add the Star Trek logo to the equation. Seriously, if you like Trek, you’re going to be in reasonable danger of having sand kicked in your face by some tan, toned bastard anyways during any beach trip anyways. Carrying a Star Trek metal detector with you is like carrying a sign saying “please punch me and never stop.” If this was a potential beating detector, it would never stop bleeping."

From The Robot’s Voice: “Because being seen on the beach with a metal detector wasn?t cool enough, you really need to add the Star Trek logo to the equation. Seriously, if you like Trek, you’re going to be in reasonable danger of having sand kicked in your face by some tan, toned bastard anyways during any beach trip anyways. Carrying a Star Trek metal detector with you is like carrying a sign saying “please punch me and never stop.” If this was a potential beating detector, it would never stop bleeping.”

42. Entertain your Trekkie guests at dinner with this Star Trek: TNG murder mystery kit.

From The Robot's Voice: "Combining the nerdy pursuit of Star Trek LARPing with the arguably less nerdy pursuit of a murder mystery game isn?t exactly on the chocolate/peanut butter scale. Worse, since the game’s makers clearly thought all Trek fans had the emotional stability of a developmentally challenged child, it’s not even a “murder” mystery?some stupid orb from some stupid planet gets stolen, and players have to figure who did that instead. The most shameful part is the booklet (I admit I bought one)?it suggests that the character playing Worf attempt to do their own makeup."

From The Robot’s Voice: “Combining the nerdy pursuit of Star Trek LARPing with the arguably less nerdy pursuit of a murder mystery game isn?t exactly on the chocolate/peanut butter scale. Worse, since the game’s makers clearly thought all Trek fans had the emotional stability of a developmentally challenged child, it’s not even a “murder” mystery?some stupid orb from some stupid planet gets stolen, and players have to figure who did that instead. The most shameful part is the booklet (I admit I bought one)?it suggests that the character playing Worf attempt to do their own makeup.”

43. Explore the final frontier with your very own Star Trek Astro helmet.

This looks more appropriate for a bug costume.How this came to exist is one of those great unsolved mysteries.

This looks more appropriate for a bug costume.How this came to exist is one of those great unsolved mysteries.

44. Nothing graces your Christmas tree more than a Borg cube ornament.

For nothing shows the spirit of Christmas like a space craft that's known to turn people and aliens into mindless, killing cyborgs. Resistance is futile.

For nothing shows the spirit of Christmas like a space craft that’s known to turn people and aliens into mindless, killing cyborgs. Resistance is futile.

45. Those who liked Star Trek: Voyager might enjoy these figures of Species 8472 with Ensign Harry Kim.

From The Robot's Voice: "When not ripping off plots and supporting characters from Star Trek: The Next Generation, Voyager loved patting itself on the back for everything from the half-robot broad in the spandex to the thrills that came from Tom and B’Ellana’s domestic problems. This self-aggrandizing reached its apex in 1997 when the series presented Trek’s first-ever CGI villain, Species 8472. Hopes were high that the creatures would become as beloved as the Borg–who were quickly brought in as the alien race’s enemies in yet another shameless grab for ratings when no one cared about the new foe. These days, Species 8472 is a reminder of the glut of poor CGI that dominated late-1990s sci-fi. Released in a two-pack with a Harry Kim that is apparently covered in shit, the figure looks more realistic than the actual creature did. Not that that justifies its existence or anything."

From The Robot’s Voice: “When not ripping off plots and supporting characters from Star
Trek: The Next Generation, Voyager loved patting itself on the back for everything from the half-robot broad in the spandex to the thrills that
came from Tom and B’Ellana’s domestic problems. This self-aggrandizing reached
its apex in 1997 when the series presented Trek’s first-ever CGI villain, Species 8472. Hopes were high that the creatures would become as beloved as the Borg–who were quickly brought in as the alien race’s enemies in yet another shameless grab for ratings when no one cared about the new foe. These days, Species 8472 is a reminder of the glut of poor CGI that dominated late-1990s
sci-fi. Released in a two-pack with a Harry Kim that is apparently covered in shit, the figure looks more realistic than the actual creature did. Not that that justifies its existence or anything.”

46. Those who like Spock might enjoy their very own Spock helmet.

From The Robot's Voice: "After Spock lost his brain (in the single greatest Trek episode ever written), Captain Kirk made him wear this Brain Protector Helmet which had a siren in case anyone tried to steal it. Wait, that’s not right. This is actually just a phenomenally stupid toy that some cheap-ass toymaker decided to put Spock’s name on, and another easy way to make certain you get beaten up at school. However, we?d pay 20 bucks to see Leonard Nimoy put one on." I can't think of any logical reason why this exists. Someone must be out of their Vulcan mind.

From The Robot’s Voice: “After Spock lost his brain (in the single greatest Trek episode ever written), Captain Kirk made him wear this Brain Protector Helmet which had a siren in case anyone tried to steal it. Wait, that’s not right. This is actually just a phenomenally stupid toy that some cheap-ass toymaker decided to put Spock’s name on, and another easy way to make certain you get beaten up at school. However, we?d pay 20 bucks to see Leonard Nimoy put one on.” I can’t think of any logical reason why this exists. Someone must be out of their Vulcan mind.

47. Put your earthly remains in your very own Starfleet urn.

Guess these are for the die hard Trek fans who can't afford to have their ashes launched into space. Still, this is ridiculous.

Guess these are for the die hard Trek fans who can’t afford to have their ashes launched into space. Still, this is ridiculous.

48. For your galactic game room, you can’t go wrong with this Star Trek Into Darkness pool table.

Said to have LED lights. However, I'm not sure why anyone would want to buy this. And it's probably as expensive as hell.

Said to have LED lights. However, I’m not sure why anyone would want to buy this. And it’s probably as expensive as hell.

49. Those who want to go where no turtle has gone before would certainly enjoy a set of Star Trek Ninja Turtles.

I know I had these on another post from last year. But still, Star Trek Ninja Turtles seem as idiotic as they sound. Seriously, why?

I know I had these on another post from last year. But still, Star Trek Ninja Turtles seem as idiotic as they sound. Seriously, why?

50. For those who liked, “Mirror, Mirror,” this commemorative ornament of Evil Spock using mind meld on Dr. McCoy is a must have.

For nothing makes Christmas more special than using a mind meld on your friend as a form of torture in an alternate universe. Yeah, I don't know what Hallmark was thinking either.

For nothing makes Christmas more special than using a mind meld on your friend as a form of torture in an alternate universe. Yeah, I don’t know what Hallmark was thinking either.

51. Make it so with the lady Trekkie in your life with this Enterprise engagement ring.

On second thought, you're probably better off to engage with a standard ring. Just to be on the safe side.

On second thought, you’re probably better off to engage with a standard ring. Just to be on the safe side.

52. No Christmas in the Alpha Quadrant could ever be without Kirk and Spock nutcrackers.

Yes, these are Kirk and Spock nutcrackers. But their existence tends to defy logic other than the incentive to make money that is.

Yes, these are Kirk and Spock nutcrackers. But their existence tends to defy logic other than the incentive to make money that is.

53. Answer your own calls like a Trekkie with your very own Enterprise phone.

Yes, it looks cool. However, it looks like you could injure your arm picking up this thing. Wonder how you'd explain that.

Yes, it looks cool. However, it looks like you could injure your arm picking up this thing. Wonder how you’d explain that.

54. Please the Trekkie in your life with a set of panties from The Next Generation.

Well, at least in TNG, red doesn't mean expendable. Still, I know what you're thinking. These are ridiculous.

Well, at least in TNG, red doesn’t mean expendable. Still, I know what you’re thinking. These are ridiculous.

55. If you liked Riker from The Next Generation, then you’ll certainly like this Hallmark Christmas ornament of him.

Don't know about you but this looks as if Riker is seems like he's squatting down and about to take a shit. Yeah, I know it's hilarious.

Don’t know about you but this looks as if Riker is seems like he’s squatting down and about to take a shit. Yeah, I know it’s hilarious.

56. Want to sound commanding on the road, then these Star Trek car horns are just for you.

Now hearing the Star Trek theme from you will make it known to other drivers that someone cut you in traffic. Or that you're a jerk who likes to show off your geekyness to the world.

Now hearing the Star Trek theme from you will make it known to other drivers that someone cut you in traffic. Or that you’re a jerk who likes to show off your geekyness to the world.

57. Turn the lights down with this Star Trek Voice Activated Light Switch & Dimmer.

For those who like to imitate Picard's commands as well as are too lazy to use a light switch. Available at Klear Gear.

For those who like to imitate Picard’s commands as well as are too lazy to use a light switch. Available at Klear Gear.

58. Trekkies who like Peanuts will certainly adore a figurine of Woodstock Spock.

While he's logical to a fault, he only utters in lines. However, I'm sure Snoopy Kirk is bound to hump on any hot alien chick that moves.

While he’s logical to a fault, he only utters in lines. However, I’m sure Snoopy Kirk is bound to hump on any hot alien chick that moves.

59. Nothing makes a Trek Christmas like a Captain’s yule log.

I think it comes in a gift set. Still, looks like a chocolate roll covered in Easter M&Ms.

I think it comes in a gift set. Still, looks like a chocolate roll covered in Easter M&Ms.

60. Galactic rail enthusiasts would love to see Trek meat the tracks with this Star Trek train set.

By the way, this isn't a toy. It's a collectible. Yeah, I don't know what connection Star Trek has to trains either. A commemorative Harry Potter train set would make more sense.

By the way, this isn’t a toy. It’s a collectible. Yeah, I don’t know what connection Star Trek has to trains either. A commemorative Harry Potter train set would make more sense.

61. Tiberius cologne is sure to make you smell like a Starfleet captain boldly going where no man has gone before with the ladies.

As we know of Captain Kirk's reputation with the ladies. Side effects might include contracting alien STDs or unplanned pregnancy, especially for men.

As we know of Captain Kirk’s reputation with the ladies. Side effects might include contracting alien STDs or unplanned pregnancy, especially for men.

62. Sulu cologne is perfect for the man who does everything.

Of course, this doesn't mean he's going to get as much tail as Kirk on the Enterprise. But at least he'll have some skill with a sword.

Of course, this doesn’t mean he’s going to get as much tail as Kirk on the Enterprise. But at least he’ll have some skill with a sword.

63. Keep your money secure in the Alpha Quadrant with your very own Ferengi Savings bank.

However, if you're traveling through space, remember to never put your money in a Ferengi bank. Seriously, these guys are known for being greedy and you won't get your money back.

However, if you’re traveling through space, remember to never put your money in a Ferengi bank. Seriously, these guys are known for being greedy and you won’t get your money back.

64. Fans of Star Trek: Voyager are bound to enjoy this mutated Tom Paris action figure.

From The Robot's Voice: "Remember how Star Trek: Voyager‘s “Threshold” was recently voted by Topless Robot readers to be the stupidest sci-fi TV episode? Well, that televised groin punch also gave us this figure of Tom Paris. It’s unlikely that any Voyager fan was clamoring for a figure of a mutated version of the show’s most milquetoast character dressed in nursing scrubs, but they got it anyway. Devotees of the episode’s bullshit fish creatures will be filled with joy to learn that this toy also came with three of the baffling writer’s constructs as accessories."

From The Robot’s Voice: “Remember how Star Trek: Voyager‘s “Threshold” was recently voted by Topless Robot readers to be the stupidest sci-fi TV episode? Well, that televised groin punch also gave us this figure of Tom Paris. It’s unlikely that any Voyager fan was clamoring for a figure of a mutated version of the show’s most milquetoast character dressed in nursing scrubs, but they got it anyway. Devotees of the episode’s bullshit fish creatures will be filled with joy to learn that this toy also came with three of the baffling writer’s constructs as accessories.”

65. Descend to the planet with this parachuting Spock action figure.

From The Robot's Voice: "For those days when a Vulcan wants to jump from the Enterprise through a planet’s atmosphere, most certainly burning himself to a crisp, assuming the vacuum of space doesn’t make him freeze and implode first. Drugstore toy maker Ahi extended this line of parachuting figures to characters from Planet of the Apes too, which is equally baffling. Although if the PotA apes had parachute technology, they’d be even more deadly, that’s for sure."

From The Robot’s Voice: “For those days when a Vulcan wants to jump from the Enterprise through a planet’s atmosphere, most certainly burning himself to a crisp, assuming the vacuum of space doesn’t make him freeze and implode first. Drugstore toy maker Ahi extended this line of parachuting figures to characters from Planet of the Apes too, which is equally baffling. Although if the PotA apes had parachute technology, they’d be even more deadly, that’s for sure.”

66. Do your own galactic calculations with your very own Trekulator.

From The Robot's Voice: "It?s a calculator with a picture of Captain Kirk on it. Tarting up something that is even mildly educational is unforgivable, and even a face as pretty as Bill Shatner’s can?t take away that pain."

From The Robot’s Voice: “It?s a calculator with a picture of Captain Kirk on it. Tarting up something that is even mildly educational is unforgivable, and even a face as pretty as Bill Shatner’s can?t take away that pain.”

67. Those who remember the first Star Trek movie might not know that it had a putty tie-in.

From The Robot's Voice: "Don’t remember this from the movie? You obviously must have dozed off during the scene where Scotty saved the day by copying this week?s Beetle Bailey."

From The Robot’s Voice: “Don’t remember this from the movie? You obviously must have dozed off during the scene where Scotty saved the day by copying this week?s Beetle Bailey.”

68. From Star Trek: Generations comes your very own Worf action figure.

From The Robot's Voice: "Based on Star Trek: Generations’ holodeck scene in which Worf is promoted to Lieutenant Commander, this figure has everyone’s favorite ornery Klingon dressed up in 19th century nautical attire–which is really stupid since there’s clearly no honor in looking like a jackass."

From The Robot’s Voice: “Based on Star Trek: Generations’ holodeck scene in which Worf is promoted to Lieutenant Commander, this figure has everyone’s favorite ornery Klingon dressed up in 19th century nautical
attire–which is really stupid since there’s clearly no honor in looking like a jackass.”

69. Like Geordi LaForge? Well, enjoy this Cadet LaForge action figure with his very own CD-ROM.

From The Robot's Voice: "Packaged with a CD-ROM–which ran on Windows 95 no less!–Playmates’ Starfleet Academy line of figures included what was intended to be young versions of Picard, Riker, Geordi and Worf. Each varies in degrees of dreadfulness, but La Forge tops all of them. The sick minds of Playmates’ developing staff decided that he would strut around campus in a silver codpiece. It was probably one that he engineered to do all sorts of kinky stuff to that Brahms girl in his Temporal Causality 101 class. Creepy. No wonder dude couldn’t ever get laid."

From The Robot’s Voice: “Packaged with a CD-ROM–which ran on Windows 95 no less!–Playmates’ Starfleet Academy line of figures included what was intended to be young versions of Picard, Riker, Geordi and Worf. Each varies in degrees of dreadfulness, but La Forge tops all of them. The sick minds of Playmates’ developing staff decided that he would strut around campus in a silver codpiece. It was probably one that he engineered to do all sorts of kinky stuff to that Brahms girl in his Temporal Causality 101 class. Creepy. No wonder dude couldn’t ever get laid.”

70. Commemorate your love for Star Trek with this set of collectible spoons.

Each character has his or her own spoon except Chekov and Sulu. For they have to share. I don't have any logical explanation for this either.

Each character has his or her own spoon except Chekov and Sulu. For they have to share. I don’t have any logical explanation for this either.

71. For a space time summer snack, try Star Trek freezecicles you can make yourself.

Because nothing says summer fun like freezing and eating fruity versions of your favorite Star Trek characters. Also, the kids look kind of creepy on the packaging.

Because nothing says summer fun like freezing and eating fruity versions of your favorite Star Trek characters. Also, the kids look kind of creepy on the packaging.

72. Any young Trekkie always has to have a lunch box of talking Worf.

So carrying your lunch in Worf's head that also talks. Now that's disturbing. Wonder what sadistic bastard came up with that idea.

So carrying your lunch in Worf’s head that also talks. Now that’s disturbing. Wonder what sadistic bastard came up with that idea.

73. Engage with this quality Star Trek logo engagement ring.

Guys, just because your girlfriend likes Star Trek doesn't mean she wants to get engaged with a Star Trek ring. Better go with a standard one from a jewelry store.

Guys, just because your girlfriend likes Star Trek doesn’t mean she wants to get engaged with a Star Trek ring. Better go with a standard one from a jewelry store.

74. Chop your vegetables on this Enterprise cutting board.

Use it to make your own galactic salad. A must have for any cook in the ships mess hall.

Use it to make your own galactic salad. A must have for any cook in the ships mess hall.

75. Tell Scotty to beam you up with this USB communicator replica.

Keep in mind the original series was made in the 1960s. Still, even by 21st century standards it looks hopelessly outdated.

Keep in mind the original series was made in the 1960s. Still, even by 21st century standards it looks hopelessly outdated.

76. Test samples on your planet with your very own tricorder play set.

Yes, it kind of looks like something you'd find in a 60s Bond film. But don't give this to a Starfleet security officer. That's for sure.

Yes, it kind of looks like something you’d find in a 60s Bond film. But don’t give this to a Starfleet security officer. That’s for sure.

77. Now you can snuggle with your very own soft poseable Spock.

I don't know about you. But to me, Spock doesn't strike me as a cuddly guy. So this toy doesn't make any logical sense.

I don’t know about you. But to me, Spock doesn’t strike me as a cuddly guy. So this toy doesn’t make any logical sense.

78. Store your alcoholic beverages in your very own Spock wine decanter.

Uh, did these people who made this get the idea that Vulcans don't drink? Because it's pretty apparent in the show.

Uh, did these people who made this get the idea that Vulcans don’t drink? Because it’s pretty apparent in the show.

79. Dine like a Starfleet captain with this TNG dinner set.

I'm sure such a set will never be used except for display in a china closet. Knowing how some nerds tend to be collectors. Still, this is ridiculous.

I’m sure such a set will never be used except for display in a china closet. Knowing how some nerds tend to be collectors. Still, this is ridiculous.

80. An Enterprise coffee table will sure make a fine addition to any living room.

Not sure if it's bought or made by someone with too much time on their hands. Either way, it's sure to become a fine conversation piece.

Not sure if it’s bought or made by someone with too much time on their hands. Either way, it’s sure to become a fine conversation piece.

81. If you like Star Trek, then decorate your windows with some Star Trek instant stained glass.

Now that just makes no logical sense. How is instant stained glass supposed to work? Or are these better known as stickies?

Now that just makes no logical sense. How is instant stained glass supposed to work? Or are these better known as stickies?

82. Andorian fans would surely love to wear their own Andorian hat to keep warm.

From Games Radar: "Set Phasers to fun? Based on Thy’lek Shran from the series Star Trek: Enterprise, this headwear homage will be greeted with nods of recognition by only the most stringent of Trekkies – everyone else will think you’ve just been separated from the world’s weirdest stag do. Hopefully the fleece lining can still keep you warm and cosy when all of your friends refuse to stand anywhere near you.."

From Games Radar: “Based on Thy’lek Shran from the series Star Trek: Enterprise, this headwear homage will be greeted with nods of recognition by only the most stringent of Trekkies – everyone else will think you’ve just been separated from the world’s weirdest stag do. Hopefully the fleece lining can still keep you warm and cosy when all of your friends refuse to stand anywhere near you..”

83. Fans of Captain Picard would surely crave for their own Picard quote bottle necklace.

From Games Radar: "Wearing a bottle containing a hand-sculpted Starfleet logo and sparkly star confetti might seem like a particularly special type of futility, but the only way to make it worse? Add an obscure Picard quote that is actually incorrect. Here you get the words “What we leave behind is as important as how we've lived" but Jean-Luc’s actual words (spoken in Star Trek Generations) are “What we leave behind is NOT as important as how we've lived" thus the point of his bald-headed wisdom has been squarely missed. Either way, you should definitely just leave this behind."

From Games Radar: “Wearing a bottle containing a hand-sculpted Starfleet logo and sparkly star confetti might seem like a particularly special type of futility, but the only way to make it worse? Add an obscure Picard quote that is actually incorrect. Here you get the words “What we leave behind is as important as how we’ve lived” but Jean-Luc’s actual words (spoken in Star Trek Generations) are “What we leave behind is NOT as important as how we’ve lived” thus the point of his bald-headed wisdom has been squarely missed. Either way, you should definitely just leave this behind.”

84. This James T. Kirk leadlight style painting will sure go great in any home.

From Games Radar: "Of all the thousands of spectacular Star Trek fan portraits that can be found for sale on the internet, this might be the least flattering and the most hideous. Even the artist himself, in listing the item, admits “this thing creeps me out”. Yes, that’s because it looks like you pieced it together from William Shatner’s actual skin."

From Games Radar: “Of all the thousands of spectacular Star Trek fan portraits that can be found for sale on the internet, this might be the least flattering and the most hideous. Even the artist himself, in listing the item, admits “this thing creeps me out”. Yes, that’s because it looks like you pieced it together from William Shatner’s actual skin.”

85. Now Klingons can enjoy fine quality literature with their own translation of Hamlet.

From Games Radar: "This translation of Shakespeare's most notable play (here given the full title of The Tragedy of Khamlet, Son of the Emperor of Qo'noS) was conceived as an experiment to prove right Klingon Chancellor Gorkon who, in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country , stated: “You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon”. He was right. This is an experience like no other."

From Games Radar: “This translation of Shakespeare’s most notable play (here given the full title of The Tragedy of Khamlet, Son of the Emperor of Qo’noS) was conceived as an experiment to prove right Klingon Chancellor Gorkon who, in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country , stated: “You have not experienced Shakespeare until you have read him in the original Klingon”. He was right. This is an experience like no other.”

86. Commemorate “The Trouble with Tribbles” with this commemorative Christmas ornament from Hallmark.

Because nothing says Christmas like being buried up to your chest with adorable puff balls with voracious appetites and a fast rate of reproduction. Still, that was a fantastic episode.

Because nothing says Christmas like being buried up to your chest with adorable puff balls with voracious appetites and a fast rate of reproduction. Still, that was a fantastic episode.

87. Those who enjoy the New Frontier Star Trek books may like their very own Captain Calhoun action figure.

Now I know what you're thinking. Who the hell is Captain Calhoun? Well, don't ask me because I don't have the slightest idea either.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Who the hell is Captain Calhoun? Well, don’t ask me because I don’t have the slightest idea either.

88. Fans of Q are sure to enjoy this Warp Series addition action figure.

Apparently, Q couldn't decide what to wear. So he decided to come as some sort of, I don't know. Anyway, he should just go back and change.

Apparently, Q couldn’t decide what to wear. So he decided to come as some sort of, I don’t know. Anyway, he should just go back and change.

89. This electronic door chime will make you feel you’re on the Enterprise.

From Games Radar: " What's the best function of The Enterprise? Is it its warp speed capabilities? Its transporter room? The replicator that can produce thousands of different dishes on command? No, it's probably the way the doors go swisshh when they open and close. And now you can have that too with this probably-quite-difficult-to-set-up-with-very-little-payoff kit."

From Games Radar: ” What’s the best function of The Enterprise? Is it its warp speed capabilities? Its transporter room? The replicator that can produce thousands of different dishes on command? No, it’s probably the way the doors go swisshh when they open and close. And now you can have that too with this probably-quite-difficult-to-set-up-with-very-little-payoff kit.”

90. Grace your living room with this 4oth anniversary teddy bear Kirk figurine from the Hamilton Collection.

Really a bear Kirk? On one hand, it's cute. On the other hand, it's tacky as hell. But I'm sure the Hamilton Collection tried to sell you this in a Sunday newspaper magazine.

Really a bear Kirk? On one hand, it’s cute. On the other hand, it’s tacky as hell. But I’m sure the Hamilton Collection tried to sell you this in a Sunday newspaper magazine.

91. It’s always happy hour in the universe with these Star Trek bottle openers.

Well, they have 2 of the Enterprise and one of a Klingon ship. Not sure why they don't have one of Deep Space Nine since that's where Quark's bar is.

Well, they have 2 of the Enterprise and one of a Klingon ship. Not sure why they don’t have one of Deep Space Nine since that’s where Quark’s bar is.

92. As far as commemorative spoons go, TNG has their own line as well.

From The Robot's Pajamas: "Ah yes, my fine collection of Next Generation spoons. No, no. We don’t use them for soup. They are to look at. They’re spoons AND photos of the Next Generation crew. A perfect match!" And I bet they're not for eating with either.

From The Robot’s Pajamas: “Ah yes, my fine collection of Next Generation spoons. No, no. We don’t use them for soup. They are to look at. They’re spoons AND photos of the Next Generation crew. A perfect match!” And I bet they’re not for eating with either.

93. TNG collectible action marbles are bound to provide fun for hours for the kids.

From The Robot's Pajamas: "Kids that love Star Trek are very likely to throw down their video game controllers and PC mouse and charge the stores en masse for plastic marbles! Marbles. Kids can’t get enough of them!"

From The Robot’s Pajamas: “Kids that love Star Trek are very likely to throw down their video game controllers and PC mouse and charge the stores en masse for plastic marbles! Marbles. Kids can’t get enough of them!”

94. Fans of Captain Picard will love this commemorative coin of him with its own case.

From The Robot's Pajamas: "Want a Star Trek coin? I don’t know what you’d do with it. It’s just a tiny coin with an image of Picard on it. That would get old fast. Well, at least it only costs $150 new." In other words, it's way overpriced.

From The Robot’s Pajamas: “Want a Star Trek coin? I don’t know what you’d do with it. It’s just a tiny coin with an image of Picard on it. That would get old fast. Well, at least it only costs $150 new.” In other words, it’s way overpriced.

95. Fans of the Next Generation will certainly love a framed portrait of their favorite characters with this frame.

From The Robot's Pajamas: "Above is a series of photos of the TNG cast that look like they belong in a high school yearbook. I’m surprised Worf’s background isn’t a bunch of neon lasers. It’s not the most exciting series of images. And they charged $100 for it. That’s just adding insult to injury."

From The Robot’s Pajamas: “Above is a series of photos of the TNG cast that look like they belong in a high school yearbook. I’m surprised Worf’s background isn’t a bunch of neon lasers. It’s not the most exciting series of images. And they charged $100 for it. That’s just adding insult to injury.”

96. Beam to the shower with this transporter shower curtain and bath rug.

However, if you're wearing a red shirt at the time, there's a chance you aren't coming back. Unless you're Scotty since he's a main cast member.

However, if you’re wearing a red shirt at the time, there’s a chance you aren’t coming back. Unless you’re Scotty since he’s a main cast member.

97. Step right out in style with a pair of your own Star Trek sneakers.

I'm sure many of these would be seen as collectibles to display instead of used for their intended purpose. Then again, I could be wrong.

I’m sure many of these would be seen as collectibles to display instead of used for their intended purpose. Then again, I could be wrong.

98. Come all aboard on your very own Star Trek Astro train.

Seems like some companies will try to pass almost anything as a Star Trek promotion during the 1970s. Because this train doesn't seem to have anything to do with Star Trek.

Seems like some companies will try to pass almost anything as a Star Trek promotion during the 1970s. Because this train doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Star Trek.

99. Those who like Spock might enjoy wearing socks like these.

However, you'd have to be out of your Vulcan mind to wear them in public. Still, I find these highly illogical to tell you the truth.

However, you’d have to be out of your Vulcan mind to wear them in public. Still, I find these highly illogical to tell you the truth.

100. You will always know what time it is with this Star Trek cuckoo clock.

I think whoever came up with this being a good idea is cuckoo. Seriously, why this exists, I can offer no logical explanation.

I think whoever came up with this being a good idea is cuckoo. Seriously, why this exists, I can offer no logical explanation.

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