It’s no secret that Disney makes a killing off of merchandise and that was when they didn’t own Marvel or Star Wars. And as a kid, I’m sure I got my parents to contribute generously to that company so I can have some Disney crap of my own. And I’m sure there are plenty of kids who did the same at some point in their lives. Nevertheless, Disney merchandise is everywhere, especially at their theme parks. One of my biggest gripes about going to Disney with my high school marching band during my senior year wasn’t that the Disney merchandise was everywhere but that most of it was associated with Mickey Mouse and his friends whom I’ve said before don’t really care for. In fact, I didn’t include Mickey and his gang among the Disney costume set because I simply don’t like a lot of Mickey Mouse cartoons. The guy is creepy and has an annoying voice. But I understand he’s Disney’s mascot and when it comes to doing the other posts unrelated to costumes, you can’t avoid him. I mean every time I look for Disney stuff, I see Mickey all the damn time. Anyway, I don’t mind so much for merchandise since I usually feature the crazier stuff instead of your standard things. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a glimpse into the wonderful world of Disney merchandise.
- Fans of Toy Story will surely adore this Slinky Dog tote bag.
Seems like Slinky Dog is stretched out of shape. Yeah, I don’t think he’s in the best mood.
2. Show your love for Disney with this Mickey Mouse pocket knife from the 1933 Chicago World Fair.
Handy for opening letters and packages. Also great for attacking rival gang members.
3. Keep everything magically fixed and sealed with some Frozen duck tape.
Yeah, I have no idea why they have this. It doesn’t seem to make much sense. I mean it’s duck tape. Everyone buys it plain.
4. Slow cook your favorite dishes in a crock pot of your favorite Pixar films.
Well, it certainly looks rather adorable. But I’d be afraid to use it for fear it might lead to the paint getting off of it.
5. Feel the love tonight with this commemorative pin from The Lion King.
Is it just me or do Simba and Nala seem to have darker circles around their eyes? Doesn’t really look great to be honest.
6. This Lion King Nature Fun book will certainly delight the kiddies for hours.
Uh, why’s Scar colored like Simba and Mufasa? Seriously, the color’s not right at all.
7. This Disney lighter will make everything seem brighter.
To be fair, this probably came out when Walt Disney was still alive. He was known to be a chain smoker. You can guess what killed him.
8. Those who love the Little Mermaid might enjoy a Dinglehopper hair brush.
Shouldn’t it be a comb? Because Ariel uses a fork as a comb even though it’s really for eating.
9. Commemorate Disney’s 101 Dalmatians with this Cruella De Vil figurine.
Cruella and the puppies seem a bit too chummy with each other in this. I mean in the movie Cruella has the puppies kidnapped so she could make coats out of them. So why should she get along with the pups?
10. Keep the fire out of your house with your very own Mickey Mouse fire extinguisher.
Yes, this exists when it doesn’t need to. I think it might be from Etsy. But it’s still strange.
11, Parents, if you’re son is swept by the popularity of Frozen, I suppose this set of undies will do just fine.
Now Frozen little girl underwear I understand. But this? Uh, I think Disney’s trying t aim for the wrong demographic.
12. For any Disney barbecue, these Mickey Burgers will surely come in handy.
Just what I want, burgers in the shape of a mouse head. Then again, they might have more meat on them. But they might not turn right grilled.
13. I’m sure Mickey will be happy to hold a roll for you.
Yes, this is a Mickey Mouse toilet paper holder. Now if only they had Mickey Mouse toilet paper.
14. Wake up in the morning with this Mickey Mouse toaster.
And yes, you get a toast of Mickey’s face on it when you put bread in it. Not something I’d want in mind.
15. On a cold day, it’s great to warm up to Frozen’s Campbell’s Soup.
Yes, kids, pour some of this soup into a bowl, microwave it, eat it, and watch your sodium levels let it go. Because Campbell’s Mmmmm….salt.
16. If you loved the Lion King, then you’ll like Battle Action Banzai with Zazu.
Let’s face it, Banzai could probably take down Zazu at any day of the week. Then again, it’s been a long time since I saw the movie. By the way, Zazu is voiced by Rowan Atkinson who’s better known as Mr. Bean. Yeah weird.
17. If you liked the mice on Cinderella, you might like this sewing mouse figurine.
Because there’s nothing more endearing than seeing a mouse with a needle. Okay, that’s kind of unsettling.
18. A Mickey figurine like this captures the magic of Disney.
I don’t know. But to me it seems like smaller versions of himself are pinning him down like that scene from Gulliver’s Travels. Still, this is pretty weird, even by Disney standards.
19. Keep your kids save in the car with this seat belt from Frozen.
All cars contain seat belts nowadays. So why is this necessary? Then again, maybe I should let it go.
20. Smell like a pirate in the Caribbean with dab of Pirate Water cologne.
In reality, Golden Age pirates of the Caribbean stank like they never had a bath in years. So maybe you don’t want to smell like a pirate, historically speaking of course.
21. Beauty and the Beast fans will surely enjoy sipping their drink through a Belle plastic cup.
Look, I’m a big fan of Beauty and the Beast and all. However, this thing is so disturbing that it can’t be unseen.
22. Have girls aspire to wishes and dreams with this Disney princess toilet seat.
If wishes and dreams mean staying dry, not wetting the bed, and never having to put the toilet seat down. Then again, I don’t want to imagine how Belle, Cinderella, and Aurora went to the bathroom.
23. Kids who like Tarzan are bound to enjoy this jungle Rad, Repeatin’ action figure.
Okay, Tarzan, I know you might have certain “needs.” But can’t you keep your jerking off to yourself? It’s pretty disturbing.
24. Sing-A-Ma-Jig Minnie Mouse is sure to delight kids of all ages.
Believe it or not this toy was aimed to children. But the unfortunate shape of the mouth makes it more suitable for Spencer’s more than anything.
25. How about spend some time on a Donald Duck ride?
From LOLWOT: “While this ride is likely supposed to be Donald Duck just leaning back and relaxing, when someone sits on him, it looks like he’s getting ready for something quite frisky.” Like the awkward look on that woman’s face. It’s priceless. If you think Donald’s dirty in that, you should see him in the Three Caballeros.
26. I’m sure this Winnie the Pooh toy won’t raise any objections.
Okay, I was wrong. As LOL WOT says: “It’s hard to know just what this toy is supposed to do, other than make us incredibly uncomfortable. There’s a reason there’s little information available about this toy other than this picture.”
27. Sing along with Mickey with this Mickey Mouse microphone.
From LOL WOT: “This is a toy that is just supposed to let kids have a microphone that has some of the characteristics of Mickey. The problem is the device had a rather phallic shape that encouraged kids to put it near their mouths.”
28. Nothing makes a great Disney lunch like Dip Sea Dooz fish sticks.
Uh, isn’t Ariel part fish? And she’s on the package to sell fish sticks? Do you see a conflict of interest here, people?
29. Drink to infinity and beyond with this Buzz Lightyear sippy cup.
From LOL WOT: “When it comes to this sippy cup, it’s not just the incredibly unfortunate placement of the straw, but it’s also the crossed arms and self-satisfied look on Buzz’s face that makes this such a terrible item.” Oh, my God, I guess the merchandise people at Disney didn’t think this one through in the least bit. He just seems more “woody” than “buzzed” at the moment.
30. Recreate the beginning of the Lion King when Rafiki holds up Simba with this toy.
From LOL WOT: “This small little toy was supposed to emulate the famous scene where the monkey wiseman holds Simba up to the heavens to show the new Lion King. Unfortunately the way the toy is positioned, makes it look like something else entirely is on Rafiki’s mind.” What it is, I really don’t want to know.
31. Fans of Hannah Montana might enjoy some gummy concert candy.
From LOL WOT: “While the Hannah Montana Concert Candy is billed as being gummies that are in the shape of guitars and microphones, you don’t have to look that closely to see the rather phallic shape of these treats.”
32. Any real boy might have some fondness for this pair of Pinocchio boxers.
The fact that Pinocchio has no nose on this just makes me suspect a lot of dirty things going on. So when his nose grows does it mean he’s dishonest, horny, or both?
33. If you like Donald Duck and the most badass bounty hunter of them all, look no further.
Yes, that’s Donald Duck as Boba Fett. Not sure what Fett’s fans might think about this. But at least Donald’s wearing pants this time.
34. Disney Star Wars fans might enjoy this figurine as Mickey as X-Wing fighter Luke Skywalker.
Because there’s nothing more family friendly than a mouse that kisses his sister and blows up a space station with thousands of people inside. Okay, that’s kind of disturbing.
35. If you like the Incredibles, step into these super high heeled shoes.
Well, at least they’re not stilettos. However, they don’t seem to be something a woman might wear to a formal event.
36. Commemorate Finding Nemo with this snow globe of Marlin and Dory.
Because nothing brings fond memories like being surrounded by sharks and thinking you’re gonna die. Sure these guys think that fish are friends not food, but still.
37. If you liked Pinocchio, then celebrate Christmas with this commemorative ornament.
Because nothing says Merry Christmas like lying your ass off and being locked in a cage. Yeah, Pinocchio is way more disturbing than what most people remember.
38. Even die hard Frozen fans can’t seem to let this toilet seat go.
Yes, this is the kind of toilet that helps kids to let their bowels go. I know it’s kind of sick but what do you expect?
39. If you think Mickey is the king in your life, then this jeweled Mickey king is for you.
By the way, this is said to cost only about $1500. Or as I call it, “a magical waste of money.”
40. Look sharp with these Frozen pressed on nails.
From Bustle: “Because your kindergartner doesn’t always have time to make it to the salon, okay?” Why would any kindergartner need this anyway? Pressed on nails suck.
41. Now your kid can sleep anywhere with this On the Go Frozen slumber set.
From Bustle: “Just in case your kid needs to take an immediate, stylish nap in the mall, or the grocery store, or the post office…” For a moment, I thought this was an ironing board.
42. Commemorate a Disney Halloween with this Chip and Dale pin.
Now this is kind of disturbing. Because Chip and Dale seem to act like their lounging in a Jacuzzi while they’re basically being cooked alive as chipmunk stew. Doesn’t help that Dale is adding some spice to the brew. This is sick.
43. Now you can watch your favorite Disney movies outside with a Mickey Mouse outdoor TV screen.
Really? Sorry, but I kind of prefer the experience of watching outdoor movies as something you experience on a campground on a fair weather Saturday night. This is ridiculous.
44. Turn on the waterworks with your very own Disney faucet set.
I don’t think this would look good in any home. Then again, I guess fans will buy anything.
45. Fans of Aladdin would certainly gawk at this Precious Moments Jasmine figurine with Rajah.
Uh, why does Rajah have no stripes? Seriously, he’s a tiger. They are born with stripes in their skin. Apparently, the designer didn’t understand this.
46. This Frozen bowling set is said to bring loads of family fun.
How is this necessary? Seriously, I don’t understand this. Can someone cue me in on why these exist?
47. Fans of Hercules will certainly like this Hades plush toy.
Okay, I understand that Hades is the bad guy in Hercules just to avoid Herc’s being illegitimate son of Zeus and a mortal named Alceme which explains why Hera makes his life hell in the original myth. I get it. But even as a Disney villain, Hades is quite likable and entertaining. This plush doesn’t really show this.
48. Don’t let your boobs go with this Elsa bra.
Yes, this is real. And you can get it at Hot Topic. I don’t know why it exists. But it does.
49. For those who wish to keep clean, this Olaf soap pump will keep your liquid soap in store.
Because there’s no better way to get soap than through being pumped from a snowman’s head. How does that even make sense?
50. This Frozen T-Shirt will show any man that he’s hot stuff.
Sounds a bit flirtatious doesn’t it? Then again, Disney is very well aware of its adult fanbase. But I’m not sure about trying to cater to young men.
51. Go through rugged terrain with this Frozen toy jeep.
Yes, this toy mainly catered to boys is now outfitted with girly colors like its Barbie predecessor. Not sure why they thought it was a good idea.
52. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a Winnie the Pooh sippy cup.
On second thought, you can. Apparently, there are very disturbing things going on in the Hundred Acre Wood that we don’t see all the time. Still, this is just mind boggling to me.
53. When it comes to Frozen sometimes this decal will help you deal with what’s inside.
Personally, I find this decal hilarious. However, it kind of gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Let it go/Let it go/Can’t hold it back anymore…..”
54. Stand out at Disney with this commemorative 50th anniversary Mickey Mouse ears jewel encrusted cap.
I don’t know about you but $1500 is an awful lot of money for a Disney Mickey cap. Just sayin.’
55. Train your kids to go to the bathroom with this Toy Story training potty.
I’m sure your kid will be totally comfortable trying to take a dump while the toys are watching from the lid. Then again, probably not.
56. There’s no one on Naboo more regal than Queen Minnie Amidala.
Yes, I get it with Disney issuing these figurines. But I’m not sure if I can see Minnie Mouse marrying and having kids with a future Sith Lord.
57. Of course, Frozen underwear isn’t just for little girls.
I know this isn’t catered to kids. But I can’t help wondering whether it’s a thong. Probably which is kind of disturbing.
58. This Mickey Mouse light bulb will light up your life.
Just what I want, Mickey Mouse’s head lighting up a room. What will they come up with next? And I thought a Hunger Games light bulb was crazy enough.
59. For the upcoming film Finding Dory, you might want to check out this figurine.
Because there’s nothing better than being in a coffee pot held by an octopus. And you know what octopuses do to fish Dory’s size.
60. Keep cool this summer with your very own, Mickey Mouse mini fan.
I don’t know about you, but Mickey seems to look quite sinister for some reason. Then again, I tend to think he’s kind of creepy anyway.
61. Feel the power of the Force with these Star Wars Cars figurines.
As if I didn’t think the Mickey Mouse Star Wars figurines were stupid enough. Now they have to depict the characters as cars? Seriously why?
62. Chill out on the beach this summer with your very own Olaf beach towel from Frozen.
Well, at least Olaf fantasizes about spending summer on the beach. Too bad he’s made out of ice and snow that he’ll melt when spring comes around.
63. These Disney fish nuggets will surely make a great lunch.
Again with the Little Mermaid promotions. I mean she’s part fish for God’s sake. Then again, sharks are also considered fish. But still.
64. Reel it in like a princess with your very own Disney princess fishing rod.
I’m sure there are some girls who go on fishing trips. It’s just that it doesn’t strike as something associated with Disney princess fans. But at least Ariel is not on the packaging.
65. Seems like Mickey Mouse can really wield a lightsaber as Anakin Skywalker.
I’m sure he’s soon going to use that lightsaber to murder a building full of kids once he turns to the Dark Side. After all, Anakin did so in Revenge of the Sith.
66. This Precious Moments Jasmine with Rajah will melt your heart.
Again, Rajah is a tiger. That animal Jasmine is holding doesn’t look like a tiger cub at all.
67. If you loved the movie Up, then you’ll adore this figurine of Carl and Russell.
I don’t know about you. But at the angle this was photographed, it doesn’t seem to have good connotations. I don’t know if I want to divulge why.
68. Wonder how Donald is going to get out of this.
This is him as Han Solo in carbonite. Interesting how Disney made the choice to depict Donald like this. And I’m not sure if he’s wearing pants.
69. I’m sure the magic and the Force will be with you with these Star Wars Disney figurines.
Wonder what Mickey will think when he finds out that Goofy is his father and that Minnie is his sister. Only time will tell I guess.
70. Nothing makes a trip for the beach better than wearing your very own Elsa flip flops.
From Smosh: “Nothing captures the feel of Frozen like beachwear. Yes, there are Frozen swimsuits. Yes, there are Frozen beach balls. And yes, somewhere someone is proudly introducing Frozen beach homes, made entirely of sculpted ice. The residence will melt away just as you pay the property tax.” Do you want to build a sand man? It doesn’t have to be a sand man. Okay bye.
71. Of course, there are many young women who dream to be married in an Elsa wedding gown.
From Smosh: “Despite the age of your average Frozen fan, this Elsa-inspired bridal gown is not made for children, but is instead designed for adults who probably tried to wedge their feet in glass slippers in hopes of landing royalty. The person who gets this gown is is the type of person who can’t leave behind the idea of a “fairytale wedding”, no matter how much medication their doctor prescribes them.”
72. Sing “Let It Go” all you want with this Frozen microphone and amplifier.
From Smosh: “Remember the karaoke scene in Frozen that turned into an epic rap battle? Well, clearly someone got the unofficial director’s cut, because now kids everywhere can belt out “Let It Go” as often as they want … until there’s a rise in child abandonment cases.”
73. Now your little girl can tee off with her very own Frozen golf set.
From Smosh: “When children left the theater after seeing Frozen, their first thought was probably, “I hope I can get in a quick nine at the club”. Now, thanks to this Elsa and Anna-endorsed set, kids everywhere can relive the wintry magic of the film while making important business contacts on the green! Should they snap their clubs in half after being caught in a sand trap, they can always pick up the official, and real, Frozen Bowling Set.”
74. Dreams will come true one mile at a time with a pair of athletic Cinderella glass slippers.
What the hell? Seriously, that doesn’t look like anything practical as athletic gear. In fact, its existence defies all logical explanation.
75. Of course, boys will live happily ever after playing with this Disney prince playset.
Except that many boys aren’t really that interested in these kind of toys. Also, the earlier princes don’t have much character to them either.
76. Now you can make your own Frozen treats with an Olaf snow cone maker.
Yes, Olaf is made out of snow. But it doesn’t make this thing less disturbing since it churns snow from his chest.
77. If your kid needs to breath, perhaps this Mickey Mouse gas mask will come in handy.
To be fair, this is from WWII for children in air raid drills. However, no kid really asks for a Mickey Mouse gas mask. Unless they’re a budding WWII buff.
78. Nothing makes you light up like a pack of Hannah Montana cigarettes.
Naturally, like the Harry Potter condoms, these aren’t licensed (thank God). But it doesn’t paint Miley Cyrus as a great role model during the late 2000s. Well, until the VMAs and “Wrecking Ball” anyway.
79. Any child is sure to do delight in one of these Mickey Mouse dressers.
As far as children’s furniture is concerned, these give me nightmares. Don’t know why.
80. Nothing is more fun at a mini golf course than teeing off with Donald Duck.
Then again, seeing Donald at a mini golf course like this might make you wonder whether he wants to murder you in your sleep. Not to be critical.
81. There’s nothing better than two baby dolls dressed as Mickey and Minnie Mouse.
These babies look dead inside even in Disney attire. They make Mickey and Minnie seem cute by comparison.
82. Of course, Minnie seems to be in skimpy attire as a slave to Jabba the Hutt.
Now I’ve heard Disney wanting to discontinue the Slave Leia merchandise which I think is stupid. Meanwhile, they come up with Slave Leia Minnie which is in some ways more unsettling. I wish someone would explain this.
83. Keep yourself clean and wash your blues away with these Mickey and Minnie shower heads.
These are from Japan who have a Disney theme park of their own. Not sure if I want water coming out of their noses though. Or anywhere else on their faces.
84. Store your pez candies in this set of dispensers from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Well, these may seem harmless. But the dwarf ones have acquired a dubious reputation when you try to put a pez in them. And I’ll leave it at that.
85. Grace your Christmas tree with this memorable ornament of Winnie the Pooh.
Well, memorable for all the wrong reasons. I might’ve posted it before a few years ago. But this is just so freaky. I mean what the hell is Pooh wearing? Oh, bother.
86. Smell Pixar fresh with a bottle of Toy Story 3 cologne.
Its scent is of tears from grown men and women. Lots of tears if you know what the movie’s about.
87. Help Buzz Lightyear back on his feet with Toy Story Operation.
Funny, Buzz doesn’t seem to have much wrong with him. Then again, in the first movie he had been under the delusion that he was real instead of a toy.
88. How about a pancake skillet with Mickey or Cinderella?
These are so you can have their images on pancakes. I don’t know why people would. That’s what they do.
89. Beware of the power of the dark lord of the Stitch.
Really, Stitch as Emperor Palpatine? I can’t see that. I mean Stitch really isn’t evil. Just innocent and misunderstood.
90. Snuggle up with one of these plush Disney princesses.
For Disney princess dolls and plushies, these are utterly creepy. And no, I don’t think the Disney princess franchise is about that.
91. Smell like a baddie with these bottles of Disney Villain cologne.
Because Disney villains are all delightfully vile in their own way. Not sure about the Frollo or Radcliffe ones because Frollo is creepy as hell and Radcliffe, well, he’s kind of lame.
92. “Do or do not. There is no try, Mickey.”
Yes, Mickey has Master Yoda on his back. Yoda is training Mickey to be a jedi. Don’t really see him as one to be honest.
93. Have Mickey in your kitchen with this set of teaspoons.
They just consist of his disembodied hands. Kind of disturbing in context if you really think about it.
94. Master Yoda Stitch is wise in the ways of the Force.
Approve of it, I do not. Nonsensical it is. Conforming with character it does not.
95. I’m sure anyone is bound to remember this vintage Mickey with his beloved dog Pluto.
Pluto doesn’t look so good. Wonder what’s wrong with him. Hope Mickey doesn’t have to have him put down.
96. Mickey Mouse will do anything to safely get the golden monkey.
Now there’s a mouse that can destroy an entire temple of doom. Of course, what he he has in his hand belongs in a museum.
97. Have a drink from these oil cans from Dinoco.
Yes, kids, drink your beverage from oil cans like the characters on Cars. Then again, it was also featured in Toy Story.
98. Keep your coffee warm with this Frozen coffee mug.
Because even 5 year olds need a buzz during their morning commute (just kidding). Then again, I don’t think this is catered to kids.
99. This Mad Hatter bottle stopper is great for anything holding wine.
Uh, the Mad Hatter usually prefers tea. Then again, Alice in Wonderland is supposed to be a nonsensical kids story anyway.
100. Now you can look great at the beach with these Disney swimsuits.
Yes, these are Disney swimsuits and they’re for adults. Whether they look stupid at the beach remains to be seen.