Bad Movie Husbands/Boyfriends

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 15, 2014

The movie Gone Girl has gotten a lot of press these days since it’s about a guy accused of killing his wife and the fact they didn’t really have the best relationship. Of course, this gave me the idea to write a post on some of the awful husbands and boyfriends in cinema history since there are a lot of them from the silent era to today. And if Ben Affleck’s character in that movie is as bad a husband to his wife as seen in the previews, then he’s in very good company. From assholes and complete jerks to domestic abusers, bastards, and bluebeards, bad male significant others have always been with us in cinema. The hard part about this post for me was basically coming up with a list of some of the worst and best known. Of course, there are plenty of honorable mentions like Maximilian “Maxim” de Winter from Rebecca, Claudio and Petruchio from Much Ado about Nothing and Taming of the Shrew, Noah from The Notebook, James Bond, a lot of boyfriends and husbands from romantic comedies and horror movies, plenty of superheroes, and others. Some I eliminated since they weren’t involved with their love interest to begin with while others I weeded out since they were nowhere as worse as the 30 I put up. Not to mention, there are those I left out since they were from films a lot of people wouldn’t know though I left some in since they were too horrible to leave out though I didn’t put in others simply because they’re not well remembered as bad spouses like Iago for instance. Thus, for your pleasure, here are some terrible husbands and boyfriends to make some of you ladies feel better about the guys you’re with. And fellas, just because your girlfriend may complain that you aren’t as handsome as Heathcliff or Edward Cullen, you might want to feel grateful that you are nothing like either of them since they’re complete bastards. Also, note that this isn’t a blog post bashing men since there are plenty of nice guys in film and real life. Besides, just because I’m writing a post dedicated to bad boyfriends and husbands doesn’t mean I’m insulting a whole gender because I’m not. In fact, I know a lot of great guys in my life and there are plenty of them I respect, admire, and love as well as call myself a feminist. I’m just listing movie men who don’t make good partners and why. Not to mention, I’ll have a similar one for bad wives and girlfriends soon.

1. Gregor Anton (a. k. a. Sergius Bauer)

From: Gaslight
The Problem: Basically this guy is the main reason why this movie coins the term of emotional abuse it features. You know, gaslighting which is basically trying to control somebody by convincing them they’re crazy. Now Gregor marries Paula who’s been haunted by her aunt’s death years earlier. So what does Gregor suggest she do about it? Why, move into that very house her aunt died in of course. Paula relents yet she soon starts hearing noises, losing small objects, and seeing the gas lights in the house dim for no reason. When Gregor’s watch turns up in her pocketbook, he accuses her of stealing it. This leads Paula to question her own sanity while Gregor does everything he could to isolate her from other people save for the maids. It turns out that he only married Paula and planned to send her to the funny farm so he could steal her aunt’s costume jewels from the attic. Oh, and did I say he was the guy who knocked off her aunt in the first place? Also, Gregor Anton’s not his real name and he also has a wife and kids someplace in his home country somewhere in Central Europe.

2. Roy Neary

From: Close Encounters with the Third Kind
The Problem: Sure he may not be an abuser or cheater but he’s a terrible husband to his long suffering wife Ronnie who just wants him to give her some appreciation for all that she does for him as well as take some fucking responsibility with his life. Their relationship is already in trouble in the beginning when you see him ignoring her while she’s trying to get his attention as she’s cleaning the house. And when he starts seeing the UFOs, it’s all downhill from there. Roy basically spends the rest of the movie being obsessed with finding the alien spaceship and Devil’s Tower that he ends up neglecting his responsibilities and his family. When he gets fired for not showing up to work, he lets Ronnie deal with it. Sure people may be happy that Roy gets to go on the spaceship but what he’s really doing is running away from his responsibilities and his family. Also, he destroyed his house by building an extra-large model of Devil’s Tower which ultimately drives Ronnie away.

3. Lewton McCanles

From: Duel in the Sun
The Problem: You’d think just because he’s played by Gregory Peck, he’d be a nice guy. After all, he played Atticus Finch. Well, like Atticus, Lewton may be smoking hot with a nice voice. He also plays guitar and sings, teaches his horse tricks, and his bad boy vibe is a hit with the ladies. He’s especially accommodating to Pearl Chavez when she starts living on Spanish Bit after her dad’s execution for killing her mom. Yet, Lewt’s not only a manipulative bastard who forces his way into Pearl’s pants on occasional nights and reneges his promise to marry her. He’s also an intensely possessive and violent psycho who doesn’t want to see Pearl with anyone else and would do absolutely anything to see it that way. When he finds out Pearl set to marry another man, he goes completely apeshit. He picks a fight with Pearl’s fiancé just to shoot him dead, derails a train, and shoots his brother Jesse unarmed. Oh, and he has one of his ranch hands tip Pearl off which results in a desert shootout between the two that leads to their death in each other’s arms. Still, despite treating Pearl so unbelievably horribly in ways previously unseen in a 1946 film (I mean the guy fucking rapes her), she still keeps coming back to Lewt because she has no self-esteem. Still, as to whether he loved Pearl or not, you can debate about it until the cows come home. Yet, he obviously cares much more about himself than he does about Pearl, especially in regards to sexual consent.

4. Jack Torrance

From: The Shining
The Problem: Let’s see, cabin fever induced crazy ax murdering aside, Jack is a terrible husband even before coming to the Overlook Hotel. He’s a selfish jerk who dragged his family to some isolated hotel in the dead of winter just so he could finish his novel (he doesn’t). He’s also an alcoholic with anger issues that he rips Danny’s arm out of its socket for messing up his test papers and makes his wife Wendy afraid of her own shadow. Still, Jack didn’t just drag his family to the hotel to finish his novel or spend quality time with them but to also isolate them from anyone else as what he tells his wife, “When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing; when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that?” Oh, and when his family has had enough of being at some creepy lodging in the middle of nowhere during the winter, Jack does everything he could so they can’t escape and he proceeds to try killing them. Now if you were married to an ax murdering lunatic that goes, “Here’s Johnny!” you might want to file a restraining order.

5. Dixon “Dix” Steele

From: In a Lonely Place
The Problem: While Dixon Steele may be a Hollywood screenwriter you’d mistake for a male porn star if you didn’t see this movie, this is the least of his issues. And despite being played by Humphrey Bogart, to be in a relationship with Dix is a very scary prospect. From the very beginning, we are well aware that Dix has an explosive temper and a history of violent behavior. We just don’t know how explosive until the very end. So when he takes home a hat check girl who’s found mysteriously murdered the next day, he’s the LAPD’s #1 suspect. Now when neighbor Laurel Gray hooks up with him, she’s absolutely sure that Dix is totally innocent. At first, things between them are fine but soon there’s trouble in paradise that make you doubt whether Dix was telling the truth. And if it isn’t Dix’s guaranteed to scare you “If I Did It” speech that does it, then it could probably the scene when Dix furiously travels too fast and sideswipes another car as well as brutally beats the driver unconscious before preparing to strike him with a large rock. Now such sight makes Laurel understandably terrified and distrustful of him that she can’t sleep without taking pills and only accepts his marriage proposal because she’s afraid of what he might do to her if she refused. Oh, and when he finds out her plans to take the next plane out of LA, he goes ballistic and tries to strangle her. Now I’m not going to give the ending away, but by this point even Laurel thinks that Dix may have killed somebody since he’s certainly viable suspect.

6. Carlo Rizzi

From: The Godfather
The Problem: Now most of the male members of the Corleone family are pretty bad guys since well, they’re in the mafia so those implications go without saying. Also, while Sonny is a cheater and Michael is a controlling liar who kills his brother Fredo. However, if there was a Corleone family member who deserved a place on this list, it would be Connie’s husband Carlo Rizzi. Now their marriage begins with a storybook wedding all paid by Don Vito. Yet, you later find out that Carlo married Connie just to join the Corleone family business and doesn’t take Sonny shunning him from family meetings too well at all. So he takes his frustrations and rage out on Connie, has a bunch of affairs, and makes a deal with two other mafia families to help take Sonny out. Now this would understandably upset Connie who tries to confront him but Carlo beats her twice (and on one she was pregnant). Let’s just say, despite committing fratricide, Michael doesn’t lose sibling points for having Carlo strangled on his baby’s baptism.

7. Edward Cullen

From: The Twilight Saga
The Problem: For one, he’s a blood sucking vampire with a personality of a cardboard box, yet that’s best thing you can say about him. Second, he’s 108 years old and attends high school. Sure he hasn’t aged a bit for 90 years but still, he sees absolutely nothing wrong with pursuing a relationship with a 17 year old girl. Third, Edward seems to show all the signs of an emotionally abusive boyfriend to Bella Swan and his withholding sex basically leads her to give up any ambition or dream she ever had and marry him. Control freak? I’ll say. Oh, and he stalks her, too a lot like watching her sleep and breaking into her home all because he loves her and wants to keep her safe. He also dictates who she could be friends with, encourages his family to spy on her and prevent her from disobeying his wishes. Major trust issues, anyone? And did I tell you he harbors the urge to eat her as well as repeatedly warn her against being with him? Still, let’s face it, despite his good looks, Edward is controlling, manipulative, and possessive asshole whom no girl should date. Also, the relationship between Edward and Bella which has electrified an entire fanbase of screaming teenage girls is fundamentally unhealthy in every way imaginable despite not including cheating, abuse, addiction, or rape. And it’s very disturbing that Edward seems to have a lot of fangirls who thinks he’s just so perfect. Still, if he ever breaks into my house, I’ll just grab my crucifix and sprinkle myself with garlic.

8. Earl Hunterson

From: Waitress
The Problem: So this movie is about a woman named Jenna who works as a waitress who makes pies just to escape her horrible marriage. When Jenna finds out she’s pregnant she goes to great lengths to hide her pregnancy from her husband and stores some money in secret so she could escape from him. Of course, she has a good reason for it since Earl’s an abusive asshole who has no qualms taking Jenna’s money away from her because he thinks that a husband always has to be in charge of the money. In reality, he just wants to control her and keep her from leaving. Also, he flips out when he discovers her secret stash, destroys a table at her best friend’s wedding, and offers to buy a camcorder with money so they could make sex films. Oh, and he said that he’d let Jenna have the baby if she agrees to never love the kid more than him. What? And he slaps her across the face. Striking your pregnant wife, how nice! Luckily Jenna tells him to hit the bricks.

9. Monk
From: The Purple Rose of Cairo
The Problem: Like Jenna, Cecilia is a diner waitress yet she’s not pregnant and instead of baking pies, she goes to the movies. Now any money she earns from her work at the diner goes to her out of work husband Monk who should be looking for a job. However, he uses the money to gamble with his “friends” instead of paying the bills, drinks, and has an affair he blames on his wife. It’s also implied that he constantly beats her. Over the film’s course, Cecilia tries to leave Monk many times but he always reminds her that she’ll always come back to him because she has nowhere else to go. And you’d really want her to run off to Hollywood actor Jeff Daniels but he ditches her once the main plot is resolved. Thus, it leaves Cecilia having to watch movies every night and go back to that terrible husband of hers because she has no other choices in life. Still, you kind of wish fate would intervene with Monk coming to a bad end with having a bookie from the mafia kind.

10. Martin Burney

From: Sleeping with the Enemy
The Problem: This may not be a good movie, but Martin is one bad husband. Basically the plot of the movie goes with his wife Laura faking her own death and planning on getting rid of him in the most intricate way for months since she knew he’d always terrorize her whether she divorced him or not. He’s abusive, possessive, and jealous even when a neighbor would just say hi. Not only that, but Laura faked drowning to death in a storm while she and her husband were sailing, took swimming lessons to overcome her fear of water, and faked her mom’s death by putting her in a nursing home with a different name well before then. Oh, and he basically decides to smother his mother-in-law with a pillow just because she called him a monster. Okay, Laura, now I see why you created such an intricate plan just to get rid of one man.

11. Jerome “Jerry” Lundergaard

From: Fargo
The Problem: He hires two criminals he hasn’t met before to kidnap his wife Jean so he could mooch money off his father-in-law as ransom. This is a plan so insane that even the crooks just advise him to man up and ask Jean for the money, which would’ve solved everything. Still, this goes as horribly wrong as you’d expect so Jerry just lies to his father-in-law to control the situation just so he could get the money. He also tries to cancel the kidnapping when he thinks there may be a legit business deal that may work out. Yet, when he finds out he can’t stop it, he just goes along with it anyway which results in Jean and her dad getting killed as well as his teenage son being understandably crushed after his mom’s disappearance. And finally, despite being directly responsible for getting his wife and father-in-law killed over money, he shows absolutely no remorse for his actions and would do anything to cover it up, even lie to his son.

12. Johnnie Aysgarth

From: Suspicion
The Problem: Now just because Johnnie is played by Cary Grant, doesn’t mean he’d make a great husband or boyfriend because he’s a complete turd. Sure he may be charming and shower Lina with lavish gifts despite her wealthy dad’s strong disapproval of him. Of course, her dad’s suspicions are very much on the money, especially after Lina and Johnnie return from a lavish honeymoon and settle into an extravagant house. It’s here that Lina discovers her new husband has no job, no income, habitually lives on borrowed money, and married her so he could sponge of her old man. And to make matters worse, Johnnie is a compulsive gambler who pawns off Lina’s heirloom chairs she received as a wedding present from her beloved father, is fired by her cousin for embezzlement, and is referred to as “a highly entertaining liar” from a friend. Still, he always tells Lina he would change his ways and take some responsibility in his life but he never does. Also, when Lina starts being distrustful of him, he gets defensive and tells her to stay out of his business. And when his friend Beaky is mysteriously found dead, Lina starts suspecting that Johnnie kill him and is planning on killing her for the life insurance. Of course, they stay together in the end since Johnnie tells her he’s not a murderer but you kind of wish that Lina just pack her bags and leave him just the same since he’s a gold digging liar and a crook who doesn’t want to take any responsibility with his life.

13. Caledon Nathan “Cal” Hockley

From: Titanic (1997)
The Problem: Well, technically he and Rose weren’t really together in the intimate sense but he’s her fiancé so he counts. We know that Cal’s a horrible fit for Rose as well as arrogant and selfish. Not only that, but it’s worth noting that Rose didn’t want to marry this guy in the first place. Yet, she’s engaged to him because her mother wants some fast cash to stay in first class. Cal barely pays and attention to her and when he does, it just seems like he’s trying to control her. Oh, and he gets insanely jealous when he finds out about Rose hooking up with Jack Dawson, he just slaps her and goes ballistic. And he handcuffs Jack to the sinking ship and goes after them with a gun shooting whoever’s in his way, all because he didn’t get what he wanted. Still, you can understand why Rose threw herself overboard and screwed a bum.

14. Mister (Albert)

From: The Color Purple
The Problem: Well, after spending a childhood of enduring the physical, sexual, and emotional abuse from the stepfather from hell, Celie is a human basket case conditioned to accept the life Mister has in store for her. This means basically enduring being battered, beaten, demeaned, and raped. And to make matters worse, he cuts her off from her sister Nettie who’s the only person who cares about her and has his mistress move into their home where he expects Celie to accommodate and wait on her hand and foot. Ironically, the mistress part may actually have been the most positive development in Celie’s life for a long time.

15. Ike Turner

From: What’s Love Got to with It
The Problem: Now Ike Turner was a horrible husband in real life and his portrayal in this movie by Laurence Fishburne got him an Academy Award nomination. He’s basically an abusive selfish jerk who’s jealous of Tina’s career as well as constantly beats and berates her to the point that she doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. He always reminds her that he made her (well, he did make her famous but that’s beside the point) and that she would be nothing without him. And when she leaves him, he tells her she can’t keep his name saying, “The name is mine. The name got my daddy’s blood on it. If she wanna go, she can go wherever she wanna go, but the name stays home!” Well, we’d probably applaud Tina for sticking up for herself against that terrible man.

16. Guy Woodhouse

From: Rosemary’s Baby
The Problem: Sure he’s not abuser, cheater, or murderer. Yet, he forced his wife to be Satan’s handmaiden and father the Anti-Christ just so he could further his career. May be an narcissistic asshole yet he sees no problem with the Beast raping Rosemary in front of a crowd of elderly Satanic cultists watching. Now that would instantly put you on the list. Hope the whole “making your wife handmaiden of Satan thing” comes back to bite him and he meets a similar fate like Gregory Peck did in The Omen.

17. Flap Horton

From: Terms of Endearment
The Problem: Now when Aurora Greenway warned Emma that marrying Flap Horton would be a big mistake of major proportions, she was right. And while Flap may not be one of the worst characters on this list, he’s a liar, serial adulterer, and uninvolved husband and father to his wife and three kids. He’s also a selfish jerk who cares about his own self-gratification and academic career more than his own family. Emma gives up her career for him, too. And to make matters worse Emma dies of cancer and he doesn’t seem to be there for her either or even sad about her death. Not to mention, he also didn’t think twice about handing his kids to their grandmother to raise in Houston. Kind of sad and depressing if you really think about it. Still, his children aren’t going to grow up remembering him fondly.

18. Jason “JD” Dean

From: Heathers
The Problem: Sure he’s handsome and almost a dream come true at first since Veronica feels like she could connect with him, yet JD is actually not the kind of boy you’d want to take home to mama. Not because he wears a leather jacket mind you, but because he’s a manipulative creep and a raging psycho oddly obsessed with weapons and death (never a good sign). He loves to murder anyone who crosses his path and frame it as a suicide. Soon he’s dragging his girlfriend Veronica into his mad schemes when she tells him she hates her friends. He suggests knocking them off one by one, which sickens her. Also, threatens to blow up the school.

19. Chris Wilton

From: Match Point
The Problem: For one, he’s a married ex-tennis pro and cheats on his gorgeous wife a lot, especially with an equally beautiful Nola Rice (who’s engaged to a student of his in the beginning). Sure he’s a handsome and charming tennis pro. But when Nola turns up pregnant, all Chris worries about the child’s existence being a liability to the affair he doesn’t want his wife Chloe to know. Desperate enough that he kills Nola and her neighbor, stages a burglary at that neighbor’s apartment to make it look like a drug crime, and lies his way out of it with the aid of attorneys.

20. Tony Wendice

From: Dial M for Murder
The Problem: Now if ex-tennis pro Tony wanted to kill his wife Margot because she was cheating on him, he wouldn’t be on this list. However, he just uses her adultery as an excuse to have her murdered so he could get his hands on her vast sums of cash. He does this by blackmailing his old college buddy to kill her but Margot ends up killing him instead in self-defense. So to cover up that he did hire a crook to kill his wife, Tony just sets up to frame her for Swann’s murder which gets her convicted and sentenced to death. This when he and his wife are seemingly renewing their relationship. Sure he gets his comeuppance in the end, but still, if your husband frames you for murder after he tried to get you killed, it’s probably time for a divorce.

21. Joe Clay

From: Days of Wine and Roses
The Problem: Now Joe Clay is actually one of the better guys on this list as well as one of the few her who actually takes responsibility with his life and changes his ways so he could at least be a better father for his daughter Debbie. However, he’s on this list as a bad male significant other for a reason and it’s for the fact he’s an alcoholic and introduced his girlfriend (later wife) Kristen Arnesen to booze. Of course, Joe’s drinking worsens and costs him his job and destroying his father-in-law’s greenhouse. Yet, Kristen also develops an addiction which leads to even more destructive behavior like causing a fire in their apartment which almost killed herself and their daughter. And soon she’s basically disappearing for a long time and picking up strangers in bars (akin to Jimmy McNulty). Now while Joe does eventually sober up and get his life back together, the fact he introduced Kristen to booze basically wrecked their relationship before it really began. Not only that, but it also indirectly wrecked Kristen’s life, which is why his father-in-law may never forgive him. Joe may still have a chance to be a better father to Debbie as well as good partner to the next woman he meets, but there’s no way he’ll ever make a good husband for Kristen because his relationship with her has sailed and it’s his fault.

22. Monte Beragon

From: Mildred Pierce
The Problem: He’s a rich playboy living on who’s all too content to live off of Mildred’s hard earned money from the restaurant business she built. Still, while Monte may be handsome and charming with a nice house and a closet full of ladies’ clothes, he’s a piece of shit while his spending habits and laziness partially lead to Mildred’s downfall. And it doesn’t help that he still views her as common scum for being born at a lower station than himself as well as is well liked by Mildred’s spoiled sociopathic daughter Veda who’d she absolutely do anything for. Of course, Mildred only marries Monte so Veda could come back to her. Unfortunately, she discovers that Monte and Veda are having an affair and witnesses her daughter shoot her stepfather dead. Now given that Monte is much older than Veda who’s still practically a teenager, it’s probably a fate much deserved.

23. Mr. Edward Rochester

From: Jane Eyre
The Problem: Now let’s see. For one, he’s Jane Eyre’s boss and she’s governess to his kid (like a nanny/schoolteacher). Second, he’s several years older than her as well as worms his way into Jane’s heart by trying to make her jealous when seemingly seeing a spoiled rich bitch. Third and most importantly, Jane doesn’t know that he’s married and keeps his wife in an attic until seconds before she’s about to marry Mr. Rochester at the altar. From someone else. Now if there is anything that would be a justified case of turning Bridezilla, it would be that but Jane seems to take it remarkably well. Apparently, despite that Mr. Rochester is manipulative and untrustworthy, Jane ends up going back to him after his house burns down and his wife is dead. But still, this story may take place in the 19th century but I still don’t think Jane should’ve went back to him since he’s a completely unsuitable man indeed.

24. Tom Buchanan

From: The Great Gatsby
The Problem: Say what you want about Jay Gatsby, but he’s nowhere near as bad as Tom Buchanan who makes the rich bootlegger worth rooting for in this love triangle. Now if there’s one thing that Daisy probably regrets doing in life, it’s probably marrying this no good piece of shit but by the time the novel begins, she’s already had a kid with him and it’s too late to go back to Gatsby. Yet, seeing that she’s married to a lousy human specimen like Tom Buchanan, you kind of wish she should just take their daughter and high tail it. Tom is a self-absorbed, controlling, emotionally abusive, and racist prick who sees nothing wrong with cheating and neglecting his wife. In fact, he’s too busy fooling around that he didn’t even bother to show up for the birth of his own child. But if Daisy ever should cheat on him with Gatsby, well, he’s certainly going to be pissed. Also, was indirectly responsible for setting up Gatsby’s murder by leading George to believe he ran over Myrtle who’s also Tom’s mistress he’s seen physically abusing. Seems like a very nice guy. Not.

25. Count Vincenzo Torlato-Favrini
From: The Barefoot Contessa
The Problem: Now Count Vincenzo may seem like Maria Vargas’ Prince Charming when you first see him and you think she may live happily ever after. Yet in reality, he’s basically as bad as most of the male characters in this film save Humphrey Bogart. Sure he may bestow affection to Maria, beats up a guy in casino for her, as well as lives in a big fancy house. But he’s a manipulative bastard who doesn’t love her and only marries Maria so he could create a memorable end to his family line since there’s no way he and his sister will ever have children. Not to mention, he tells her that he had no idea she was a famous actress and didn’t watch her movies (this is certainly a lie because I think he knows everything about her). Maria is successfully duped. Now if Count Vincenzo truly loved Maria, he would’ve told her about his war injury and his inability to consummate their relationship before the wedding. Instead, he tells her after the lavish ceremony on their wedding night which leads to her crying on the bed. Still, Maria tries to make everything better by cheating on him to get herself pregnant and passing the unborn child as his kid. Unfortunately Count Vincenzo ends up killing her in a crime of passion. And this was probably exactly what he wanted.

26. Stanley Kowalski

From: A Streetcar Named Desire
The Problem: Now Stanley is certainly the worst brother-in-law in literature or the movies has ever seen. And despite that he may be a sexy bad boy played by Marlon Brando, he’s a horrible human being. Sure he may have a right to know about Blanche since she’s his wife’s sister and house guest and has every right to dislike her. Yet, understand that he treats her with nothing but contempt from the beginning contrary to Stella’s wishes. Not only that, but he also has rage issues which he takes on a pregnant Stella after he loses in a poker game (making him the third guy on his list to strike his pregnant wife). Now she seems quite calm about it and is quick to forgive him as if Stanley’s physical abuse is just a normal part of their relationship. This establishes that Stanley is the one wearing the pants in the relationship which is not good. Also, to add insult to injury, he rapes Blanche on the night Stella goes into labor, which leads his sister-in-law to go nuts and be institutionalized.

27. Heathcliff

From: Wuthering Heights
The Problem: Heathcliff may be one of literature’s most famous romantic leads and yes, he and Catherine Earnshaw may have a very passionate and all-consuming love that started when they were raised together as children. However, their love is clearly unhealthy and intensely destructive, which leads to the ruin of them and almost everyone around them. Also, there’s a possibility that they might have the same dad so you do the math. Sure he may have been bullied and abused since childhood but he’s a complete bastard and was never really a nice person to begin with. Now when Catherine Earnshaw rejects him and marries Edgar Linton, Heathcliff leaves the country for a few years as well as returns immensely wealthy and a great thirst for revenge against those who made his life miserable. Whether it’s buying Wuthering Heights from under Hindley’s nose and driving him further into a death by alcoholism in his 30s or marrying Edgar’s sister Isabelle just simply out of spite, Heathcliff’s love for Cathy won’t end even if he has to destroy everyone’s lives in retaliation for not getting the girl of his dreams. And if you’re Isabella, you may be boy crazy over him at your brother’s estate but once Heathcliff is yours, well, welcome to hell. I mean Isabella is practically miserable because Heathcliff basically ignores and abuses her. Not to mention, it’s could be fair to say despite being a romantic hero to generations of teenage girls, he could possibly be a sociopath who may taint and destroy everything he touches. Avoid men like him, please, for your own good.

28. Billy Loomis

From: Scream
The Problem: Sure he may seem like a creep who you wants to get into Sidney Prescott’s pants at first. But if Billy’s biggest sin was being a horny teenage boy, then he wouldn’t be on this list since there are plenty of movie male significant others who are much worse. And Billy is in good company since he’s a psychopath and serial killer who murders all of Sidney’s friends (so it seems), knocks off her mother, the school principal, and others with his buddy, Stu. Oh, and he tries to kill her.

29. Othello

From: Othello
The Problem: Let’s just say in the Shakespearean sense, while Othello certainly loves his wife Desdemona, he’s more likely to listen to “Honest Iago” about the women of Venice than her. Now Iago is a scheming and lying turd (his own wife doesn’t even trust him and one of the vilest Shakespearean villains to date but he’s not remembered much as a husband so he’s not on here) who wants to take his boss Othello down because he didn’t get promoted (or so he says but you can’t really believe him). He picks at Othello’s brain saying that Desdemona’s running off with him was proof of her lustful nature since she basically screwed all the guys in town before going to him and basically tries to convince him that Desdemona and Cassio were having an affair. This by planting Desde’s handkerchief at Cassio’s place. Now Othello is understandably upset that his lovely white wife could possibly be cheating on him but does he confront Desdemona and ask whether she actually sleep with Cassio or Iago was just bullshitting? Yes, he does and Emilia for good measure but he doesn’t believe either even though Cassio and Desdemona haven’t even had a chance in this whole play thus far. Still, this doesn’t stop Othello from ordering Cassio killed and smothering Desdemona in their bed. This is before he finds out his wife wasn’t cheating at all, renounces God, and kills himself. Now that’s a tragedy, folks.

30. Jake LaMotta

From: Raging Bull
The Problem: Another real life example and one that earned Robert DeNiro the Oscar for Best Actor. It’s said that the real Jake LaMotta didn’t realize how much of a jerk he was to his ex-wives until he saw this movie. While he’s one of the few bad husbands to reform or at least realize he has a problem, he could easily make Stanley Kowalski and Ike Turner seem like Prince Charming in comparison. Sure he achieved success as a boxer, but he’s a man consumed with anger, paranoia, and shame. For one, he cheats on and later dumps his first wife with a 15 year old girl. Second, he’s very possessive of Vicki that his jealousy fits come out of nowhere and from the slightest provocations which result in violent physical abuse. I mean he regularly beats his wife because she suspects she may be interested in other men, including his brother. And it doesn’t help that he won’t have sex with her and is seen making out with several women in the club near the end. Still, while he did achieve success as a boxer, his impulsive violence drove away everyone he loved and the title just to bail himself out of prison.

The Wonderful World of Playgrounds

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 14, 2014

In our day in age, playgrounds are seen as places for children to experience the great outdoors, exercise, and frolic in a set of equipment in an urbanized environment. Of course, what kid doesn’t like to go on a slide, monkey bars, seesaws, swings, or the merry go round. Sometimes there may be a carousel where kids can ride on the horses as carnival music plays in the background. Now I can go on and on how so many of these playgrounds have cutesy and kid friendly imagery that makes such an outdoor wonderland all kid friendly and fun for the whole family. But of course, you wouldn’t want to see that. Instead, I’ll show you pictures of playgrounds that might traumatize your kids in years to come or may be just plain inappropriate. And I’m not going to show pictures of abandoned playgrounds which may be unsafe and unsanitary either. They’re either playground pieces designed by people on drugs, wanting to show artistic expression, or have no artistic skills to pull off any child friendly imagery. So without further adieu, here are some playground pieces that might scare off the kiddies. Also, most of these are in Russia by the way and some of these images may not be safe for work.

1. Jump over the low hanging bars with the white rhino and pig.

I’m sure if these were real, they wouldn’t be very friendly. In fact, they seem like they would more likely eat children than play with them.

2. Oh, look, a peasant family seems to be trying to uproot a new turnip.

I’m not sure what’s going on between the mom and the dad but whatever it is, I don’t want to know. Still, I don’t know whether that’s really a plant or not.

3. Go ahead, climb up that friendly snake or dinosaur.

No, I don’t think I’d want kids climbing on top of that thing. After all, it seems hungry for children as I could tell from its blank eyes and smile.

4. Hey, kids, here is the Mirror People.

Of course, I’m sure they’re not dangerous. Yet, I can’t really tell by their blank but reflective expressions. Still, they’d be very great for a horror movie and could be aliens with ambitions for world domination for all I care.

5. You can always have great fun while playing in somebody’s chest cavity.

Now I wonder where those yellow legs came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

Now I wonder where those yellow feet came from. Still, this is kind of fucked up if you know what I mean.

6. Oh, look, here’s Poseidon just arrived out of the ocean.

Now I think I’ve just become afraid of Poseidon since his arrival with his Hippocampi seem like he’s just arrived from Hell instead of the sea.

7. Of course, he’s just an old harmless elf from the Keebler Tree.

Of course, he only has a machine gun and thinks he’s the psycho soldier you see in any Vietnam War themed epic. You don’t want to go near him.

8. Climb up and slide down this giant man’s legs.

Now how many legs does this guy have? It doesn’t seem to be just two. Also, he doesn’t have a nice expression on his face.

9. Just a pig minding his own business.

Of course, Crispy Bacon just needed to take a short whiz since he’d been holding it in all day. He didn’t expect to be caught by police for the crime of public urination or indecent exposure.

10. C’mon, kids, why don’t you just roll this beam with Bearikins and his pal Satan.

Now to see the Prince of Darkness in a playground piece would make me want to question the designer’s judgement. I mean why is Satan in a playground seriously? He’s the Devil.

11. Hey, there’s Harry the Hedgehog with an apple.

Don’t look at me, but I think that apple is poisoned. I mean Harry the Hedgehog doesn’t seem like he’s up to any good. Also wants your soul.

12. Now isn’t that nice? Here’s the Big Bad Wolf and Peter Cottontail playing Twister.

Now this scene could either have the wolf eating the rabbit or something you wouldn’t want to see in a Disney movie. Either way, it ain’t good and may take playing with your food to a whole new meaning.

13. “Greetings, earthlings, we come in peace.”

Now what the hell are these? They are either aliens from another galaxy or possibly the children of the corn. Yet, judging from their red eyes, I’m not sure they’re harmless.

14. Oh, dear, the poor dog hurt his leg.

I’m sure Scruffy set the mailman straight once and for all. Of course, he didn’t have time to clean up the blood all over his fur though.

15. It’s fun to play on top of these, uh whatever they are.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-acpocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

Looks like these animals seemed to be some post-apocalyptic monsters that arisen from some nuclear fall out from what I can tell. I wonder if these two souls know the truth.

16. Now this creature seems like he’s really enjoying himself.

Unfortunately this young woman and her companion in the picture were never seen again after this. They thought going in the monster’s mouth would just be a nice photo op. They had no idea of what lay before them.

17. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Joker.

Of course, seeing the Joker at a playground is never a good thing. He might blow it up and send the kiddies to kingdom come unless Batman shows up first.

18. C’mon kiddies, we want to play with you. Don’t be scared.

I’m an adult and even I find these supposedly kiddie figures terrifying for some reason. I’m sure they intend to suck the souls out of the children which is why they don’t come out to play.

19. Come and enjoy accordion music with Crocky and his friends.

I’m sure Crocky won’t harm anybody but I’m not sure if I could trust him beneath his Elton John glasses. Also, his gremlin friend is missing an arm and is not happy about it. Now I’m not sure if I want to hear, “Crocodile Polka.”

20. Take a trip on this lovely amusement park ride with Cthulhu.

I’m sure Cthulhu is a perfectly decent figure who won’t do any harm to your kids. Of course, I was being sarcastic because Cthulhu is one of the more dangerous mythological entities that would annihilate you.

21. Come up and play with the house monsters and have a great time.

Those house monsters seem empty and only appear to have playground equipment with them so they could lure in children to devour.

22. Nurse wants you to take your medicine.

Of course, this nurse may make you want to not venture into a doctor’s office. Also, despite the stuffed rabbit in her arms, she is simply terrifying.

23. The doctor will now administer your shot please.

Now why in the hell would anyone have a playground figure like this? I mean there are adults terrified of needles, let alone kids. Horrifying indeed.

24. C’mon, play under the giant green octopus.

Let’s hope this giant green octopus doesn’t come to life and eat any children passing under it. Of course, there’s suspicion that he may be responsible for eating some missing children in these parts.

25. Climb up and slide down this giant fly.

Now take it from someone who knows. It’s a verified fact that large monstrous insects are terrifying. And this giant playground fly slide is no exception.

26. Come up and slide on the giant lizard.

Now a realistic giant lizard for a slide is just too realistic and creepy. Still, why do this if it’s not a playground associated with reptiles?

27. Have some fun playing in a giant spider web.

Now I don’t care what anyone else says about this. However, giant spiders are creepy, especially if they make giant webs. And we all know what a spider web is for.

28. Come and play at the playground with the giant bugs.

Now, kiddos, I bring you the playground of your nightmares. Or rather my nightmares. Seriously, what’s with the giant bugs?

29. Now have your kids relive the Lilliputian experience with the Gulliver’s Travels playground set.

Still, I wonder if the designer realized that Gulliver’s Travels isn’t for kids. Seriously, Jonathan Swift wrote for adults and yet Gulliver’s travels on Lilliput seem to be continuously adapted in children’s media.

30. Aw, look at the cute little playground animals.

Now this is no playground I want to be in. Seriously, this looks like a “Carnival of Nightmares,” especially with that 4 footed clown faced statue. Just because it’s in bright colors doesn’t mean it’s not scary.

31. These little black monsters just want to play with you.

Seriously, these aren’t cute. They’re creepy as hell, especially at night. I mean they seem like they want to eat you alive or something.

32. Now every playground has to have a nice dog since everyone loves them.

I guess the inspiration for this was the designer seeing a ferocious junk yard dog that you wouldn’t want to go near. More like a junk yard dog you’d see from the Muppets.

33. Oh, look here’s a centaur.

Please let this be a creature that walks on all fours. However, I really don’t want to know which end is used for what. Just don’t ask me.

34. Look, kiddies, see the bird now go play on it.

I think I just regret saying that because this piece just scares the living crap out of me. Also, I’m not sure if I’d call it a bird or not.

35. Now let’s just frolic with this serpent thing near a manhole.

Let’s just say whoever’s fixing the pipes from under there should better get out from a different manhole. I mean this beast is prepared to kill you.

36. Playing on a mouse trap is so fun.

Seriously, Russia, this is one of the most fucked up pieces of playground equipment I’ve ever seen. I mean why would anyone think that a dead mouse in a mousetrap is a good idea for a kids’ playground piece. Giant rats are terrifying enough but seeing them dead in a giant mouse trap, well, that’s sick.

37. Climb atop on the dragon with the three colored bottles attached to him.

Sure it’s a dragon but I wonder if it has those bottles to lure in adults instead of kids. Then again, I don’t know what they symbolize.

38. Now come inside a giant guy’s head to keep yourselves warm.

Now this is just messed up. I really don’t understand why a playground piece like this exists and probably never will.

39. This little boy seems to enjoy riding the shroom monster.

Though it dwells in aquatic habitats, the shroom monster eats shrooms. Also, this sculpture was probably created by somebody on shrooms. Still, it does have a nightmarishly pleased look about it.

40. Now here’s a nice lovely little fountain for a great aesthetic playground look.

Now I may understand that the figures may have lost their arms due to years of neglect. However, why the hell are they naked? Aren’t playgrounds supposed to be for children for God’s sake?

41. The 3 headed green dragon really just wants to play.

Of course, I’ve never seen a 3 headed dragon this eager since Comic Con. I mean it certainly seems to take delight in devouring helpless nerds who want to pose with it for photo ops.

42. Of course, what’s a playground without climbing rope?

Is it just me or do these playground ropes seem to be tied like hanging nooses at the ends? Of course, I hope this isn’t in Russia and that kid doesn’t seem to want to end it all. Because I know a convenient place he could do it.

43. Have a ball on the cow tongue slide.

Looks like this giant mutant 3 tongued mad cow was the result of a genetic experiment gone horribly wrong. That or perhaps it being an alien from outer space.

44. Welcome to Satan’s fun house.

Now why would anyone think about using the Prince of Darkness as a mouth for a playground piece? Oh, I forget this is an Oni from Japan since it says Tokyo Times on the corner. My mistake. Still, Oni and demons tend to look very similar.

45. Oh, look at that cute little bear cub.

Okay, now real bear cubs don’t look like they’re something straight off from a science fiction TV show. This one does. Still, the fact that this cub lacks a nose makes it all the more disturbing.

46. Hey, at least this elephant sculpture in Russia isn’t so scary.

Wait a minute, this one has kids climb into the elephant and slide out of its rear end. Oh, that’s just gross. Seriously, why?

47. Now this is nice. A bunch of rainbow colored kids with hoops. Wonder what can go wrong there.

Is it just me or do these kids look like they’re peeing and those hoops are waves of their piss over the tracks? This is disgusting. I mean why does this structure exist in the first place?

48. Now here’s one with some girl about to get devoured by a giant wicked witch.

I know King Kong isn’t exactly for kids. Yet, I think if a giant gorilla was in the place of the scary witch, I think it would be less likely to give children nightmares. Just sayin.’

49. Oh, cute, a veterinarian trying to see if the wild animals are healthy. What can possibly go wrong with that?

Then again, it could be just Walter White administering his special blue meth to the woodland creatures. I mean there’s always a way to expand his drug operation isn’t there?

50. Now look at this nice little equipment piece.

This reminds me of a horror movie known as The Human Centipede except that it didn’t walk around in circles. Still, for a playground equipment, this is fucked up.

51. Now finally, a playground piece on “Little Red Riding Hood.”

Now this is just disturbing. Looks like the wolf is about to eat Little Red and he’s not even in Grandma’s nightie yet. Now that’s doomed to traumatized kids for years.

52. Okay, so there’s a statue of a bunch of kids playing. Now what can possibly go wrong with that?

Now this is just so inappropriate on many levels. Seriously, what the fuck? Also what’s that in the back kid’s butt? Okay, I don’t want to know.

53. You don’t want to cross this 3 headed dragon.

Now despite the graffiti and years of neglect, this statue is just as terrifying as ever. Seriously, it looks hungry for children.

54. Now join Hammy the pig and ride this magical carousel.

Ewww, seems that Hammy has man boobs or something. That’s just not right on so many levels. Perhaps he should just cover up before the butcher comes.

55. So while you’re at the park, kiddos, don’t forget to slide down the cheese grater.

This boy seems utterly scared for dear life landing on the cheese grating slide. Perhaps he didn’t see where he’d land before going down the slide.

56. Climb up and go down the slide through somebody’s giant disembodied head.

Now this is messed up. Let’s just say modern sculpture and playground equipment don’t mix okay? Also, kind of creepy to slide through somebody’s ear to their neck.

57. Come up and play on this giant robot.

Of course, it’s very angry and keeps telling itself to, “Kill the humans!” but being partway stuck in green astroturf makes it impossible.

58. Now let’s sit beside this nice old lady.

Okay, she seems like she seems less inclined in giving out sugar cookies and more likely to put you in the oven. Trust me, her eyes reveal the depths of her evil soul.

59. Now, kids, you can slide down a ferocious gorilla.

Now why did they put a slide at King Kong’s right boob for God’s sake? This is crazy. Then again between his legs would’ve been worse.

60. Now here’s a statue of a nice little creature we may not know about.

My mistake. Actually this little creature seems quite terrifying to say the least. I mean it doesn’t seem to be quite happy as well as has a certain blood lust for vengeance.

61. Now that’s nice a cute little sheep playground piece. What can go wrong with that?

Wait a minute, that’s not a sheep. It’s a mutant creature with a sheep’s head from Soviet genetic engineering. Now that’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever seen.

62. Now these two seem to have a very good time.

Oh, God, please don’t tell me what I think the deer and the crocodile are doing. Either this will end in a bloodbath or something more depraved and ghastly I can’t post on this blog.

63. Come to the pool to swim with the wolf and the rabbit.

Now the wolf seems rather friendly. The rabbit on the other hand, not so much. In fact, from the look on his face, he seems to secretly hope that you drown.

64. Now climb aboard this funky bird or psychedelic cuckoo.

Now this playground piece was perhaps created by someone on acid or too much vodka. Either that, or it’s a bird that’s simply out of its world. Still, very freaky and unlike anything that I ever saw to say the least.

65. Hey, kids, climb upon the giant crocodile.

For one, that croc seems very scary and perhaps too realistic to be kid friendly in any way. Second, are those knives coming out of it? Third, I don’t think this is a safe piece for children to climb on to say the least.

66. Now here is a nice girl statue in the park.

Well, now I know which playground the girl from The Exorcist hangs out at. Remind me to stay away from that place.

67. Aw, look at that little girl sitting with Cthulhu?

I’m sure this is nothing like having your kid sit on Santa Claus’ lap. Rather this is much more disturbing since Cthulhu is pure evil. Hey, why is Cthulhu in a playground anyway?

68. Let’s play on this large yellow, whatever it is?

The fact this creature is eyeless with a toothy smile makes me not want to go near it. I mean, it’s the stuff of nightmares.

69. Aw, look at that cute little sheep.

This piece of mutton may look harmless. Yet, look into its eyes and it seems to have a sinister disposition. I would worry about that coming to life.

70. Climb aboard and play on this large, block monster.

Now this guy reminds me of the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Well, the Tin Man if he didn’t have a heart and didn’t want one.

71. Now let’s run through the tall guy in green’s legs.

I’m sure the tall guy reminds me of the giant from “Jack in the Beanstalk” if he was a really natty dresser. Still, he may lust for the blood of an Englishman, or a Russian in that matter. Of course, he’ll take what he can get.

72. Hey, look at that nice friendly robot.

This is actually one of the few American playground pieces on this list. Still, it doesn’t seem to look very friendly or has some sneaky side. Also, its walls remind me of a prison.

73. Now let’s play on this old Soviet tank. It’s fun.

Now there are some pieces that should never be recycled into playground equipment. Tanks are one of these. Still, why Russia, why?

74. Now there’s Count Orlok sucking his fingers.

Yes, that certainly reminds me of the vampire I’ve seen from the 1922 horror classic Nosferatu. At least he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight unlike another vampire we’re familiar with.

75. Oh, look it’s the 3 little pigs.

Or at least the soulless recreations of them. Still, I don’t mind if the Big Bad Wolf eats them for I’d fear they’d eat me.

Halloween Candy Trick or Treaters Don’t Want

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 10, 2014

Trick or treating has always been a Halloween tradition in which children would change in their costumes as well as carry their buckets to say, “Trick or Treat” to people all over the neighborhood. Of course, with me you had to get the aid of a car and/or word of some nearby town was doing it since I lived in the country. I’ve trick or treated in towns like Smithton, West Newton, and Rostraver. Yet, I also did a bit of trick or treating in college since it was the only place where I didn’t need to drive and didn’t have older people think there’s something wrong with. I mean I had to stop trick or treating after I turned 12 or 13 where I lived. Still, I enjoyed this tradition and perhaps someday I’ll take my kids trick or treating as well. Maybe I won’t dress up as a Hogwarts schoolgirl like I did in college but I definitely would take my kids out to get candy from strangers as well as make their costumes like my mom did back in the day. Of course, no matter how much I love dressing up in costumes for candy as well as candy in general (particularly chocolate), there were certain treats I didn’t really care for. Yet, I would find these every year in my bag whether I wanted to eat them or not. Nevertheless, if there’s a trick or treating event in your neighborhood this Halloween season, then perhaps I could cue you in on some of the candies the local kids won’t like. So without further adieu, here are some of the candy that will make children hate you this Halloween season. Warning: may not all necessarily be candies, just stuff people have received trick or treating.

1. Flavored Tootsie Rolls-regular Tootsie Rolls are kind of gross if you really think about it. I mean they kind of look like dog turds. Yet, to have one that’s vanilla or orange cream flavor, ugh.

2. Smarties-these are usually the last candies left in anyone’s Halloween haul. Basically all that’s in them is sugar, corn syrup, artificial flavors, food coloring, and possibly chalk dust. You’re better off eating a bowl full of sugar with a spoon. Basically, these are what people buy to give to kids if they don’t want to go over their minuscule candy budget. If Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by trick or treaters, he’d give them these.

3. Good & Plenty-even for those who like black licorice, these are never a welcome sign. Sure there are plenty of them in their 1960s era package design, but many say they are as bitter the pill medicine they’re shaped as.

4. Candy Corn-hey, I actually kind of like this candy and I kind of feel bad putting this imitation 1880s kernel on the list. However, many tend to say this Halloween icon tastes like the wax, corn syrup, and sugar it was made from. Isn’t called “the fruitcake of Halloween” for nothing.

5. Dots-they may look chewy but having them in your mouth will give you as much sensation as piece of sugar coated half-hardened cement.

6. Now and Later-well, I don’t really hate them but they do have a texture of stale taffy that you wonder was ever fresh to begin with. Not to mention, I’ve eaten a few and have been surprised that I didn’t break any of my teeth afterwards. Also, check if the person giving you them is a dentist because he or she may have a hidden agenda like spending Christmas vacation to the Bahamas.

7. Strawberry Hard Candy-these just look like easily rewrapped candy in strawberry styled plastic wrap. Yet, people like them though I didn’t. And according to Complex, “The suck level actually increases once you get to the gooey center.”

8. Bubblegum-if it’s Dubble Bubble or Bazooka, either it’s the remains of a surplus made 20 years ago or made from an instantly stale formula. May seem to have a flavor at first but after a few seconds, becomes a tasteless, rubbery, mass that may ruin your teeth.

9. Wax Bottles-if you were the kid who used to pick the wax droppings from the candles and ate them, then these candies are for you. Well, the wax bottle anyway. Still, I hear the stingingly sugary sweet processed juice in them is nasty.

10. Necco Wafers-one person from Thrillist writes, “If I wanted to eat orange-flavored chalk, I would just eat orange-flavored chalk, and save everyone the charade.” Also, despite that they’re practically reviled as a candy for chalky texture and invariable staleness, they’re still being made and sold. It’s a great mystery to us all. And form TopTenz, “They’re from an era where a Halloween treat was getting to leave the coal mines an hour early, and their flavor reflects the fact that their target audience’s taste buds were permanently set to “dust.” Their label of “an American classic” couldn’t be less accurate if they were made from slaughtered bald eagles.”

11. Mary Janes- this may seem like a good idea for a kid’s candy since it’s a molasses and peanut butter flavored taffy. No one will ever eat them. Of course, there are the other kind of Mary Jane candies but they’re not for kids and only legal in the state of Washington and Colorado where, “sitting around the campfire, everybody’s high,” in the words of John Denver.

12. Fireballs-yes, they are a strong timeless candy yet, you have to suck on these for about 15 minutes or more. You can devour more candy in that time frame. Yet, as for me, I try to save it as long as possible.

13. Almond Joy/Mounds-if the cherry fondue is the last candy in a chocolate box to be eaten, then anything with coconut is a close second.

14. Fruit (save maybe candy apples)-basically, giving trick or treaters fruit says, “Hey, I’m a major health nut who cares more about not contributing to juvenile diabetes more than I care about Halloween tradition.” It’s even worse if they’re apples with razor blades. Hey, if you don’t want to contribute to juvenile diabetes during Halloween the least you can do is hand out pieces of paper with George Washington’s face. Even quarters are acceptable.

15. Bit-O-Honey-from Thrillist, “I’m sure these these were ALL THE RAGE on Boy Scout expeditions back in ‘52, but c’mon — we’re an evolving people.” Said to always taste stale and takes very long to eat.

16. Fruit Snacks-may be appropriate for school lunches in elementary school but certainly not in candy bags during Halloween.

17. Gingerbread Cookies-now I love gingerbread cookies, but they’re Christmas so it’s too freaking early. Also, those cookies might just as well be leftovers from last Christmas or earlier. Gross.

18. Spare Change-look, I was totally cool with receiving money from adults during trick or treating and even would appreciate more so now since I’m an unemployed college graduate who lives with her parents. However, no child wants to receive chump change like nickels, dimes, and pennies. Now that’s just being cheap.

19. Dum Dums Lollipops-I hated these as a kid and still don’t care for them now. Just these small little lollipops with a cheap taste you see at a bank that aren’t worth my time.

20. Green Tea Kit Kats- now there are some who like green tea and Kit Kats, but not in the same candy. Of course, this is Japan, but even Japanese children wouldn’t stand for this shit. I mean who eats a green Kit Kat Bar is like saying who in their right mind would eat green eggs and ham? (No offense, Dr. Seuss.) Just don’t break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar. Sorry, Japan.

21. Runts-for me, these were better suited as fake fruit for my Barbie Dolls than anything edible. As a writer from the Houston Press said, “Someone out there really likes the taste of rotten, overripe fruit, and that person invented Runts. The banana flavor is particularly offensive.” At least they’re said to be disappearing, thanks to the decline of coin operated candy dispensers.

22. Reese’s White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups-as one writer of the Houston Press put it, “A perfect example of how the unnecessary introduction of white chocolate (which is not even chocolate, btw) ruins a perfectly respectable product.” Yeah, white chocolate and peanut butter, put it up there with the cherry fondue.

23. Hershey’s Creme Kisses-the cherry cordial is full of what is said to taste like cough syrup while the orange crème isn’t much better. It’s like the cherry fondue in a chocolate box which is extremely nasty that people usually eat it last.

24. Candy Buttons-these artificially colored sugar mounds on cheap paper are actually so tasteless one writer from the Houston Press noted but, “every time I eat them I feel like I’m overdosing on birth control pills.” The kiddies are better off with these containing LSD or some other kind of acid from Woodstock.

25. Jujubes-don’t taste like the real fruits they claim to represent. Also, tend to get stuck at your teeth and perhaps dislodge any dental work.

26. Circus Peanuts- these are said to be among the cheapest, nastiest, and old fashioned crap confections. According to someone from the Houston Press, they “taste little like legumes and more like amorphous citrus desiccated marshmallows invented by aliens.”

27. Candy Cigarettes-yes, we had a lot of fun with these as kids, yet they just don’t have a good taste. Probably better off using pretzels as cigarettes instead. Heard a nearby school district passed these out, which I think is hilarious. Still, the vintage ones look even more realistic with the packaging. You know those were out just to get the kiddies hooked.

28. Candy Necklaces- these taste like chalk and don’t go with anything you’d wear, especially if you’re a guy.

29. Sour Candies-I have no taste for these and I’ve heard they’re even worse for your teeth than regular candy. Also, they taste really, really bad.

30. Original Boston Baked Beans-as a writer from the Houston Press said, “Disgustingly similar to owl pellets in terms of texture, Boston Baked Beans are actually shriveled peanuts covered in scarlet sugar glop. The only thing that might get me to buy this woeful candy would be if it came in a mini bean pot.”

31. Butterscotch Candies-seem just the kind of hard caramel candies you’d find in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

32. Raisins-it’s basically dried fruit and what many people might give kids as a healthier substitute than candy. I always hate it when I bite in what I thought was a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie only to discover it had raisins in it.

33. Toothbrushes-these should only be reserved as giveaways from dental appointments not for trick or treating.

34. Milk Duds-from E!, “’Dud’ is right there in the title. And 15 seconds of enjoyment is not worth a lifetime of trying to get Milk Dud out of your teeth.”

35. Raisinets- doesn’t matter how much chocolate it’s covered with, it’s still a raisin. Seriously, for those who give them out to kids in order to encourage good health, this is particularly cruel.

36. Black Licorice-gets a bad rap for a reason. Also, studies show that nobody under 80 likes these but that may have to do with the fact that they were children during the Great Depression who were just happy to get anything that’s candy. Heard it’s made out of the same material used to insulate electric cords.

37. Whoppers-possibly among the most divisive candies of all time. Also, that chocolate shell isn’t really chocolate. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about those malted milk balls.

38. Root Beer Barrels-actually all pop flavored candy isn’t really that good, according to most people. Besides, we all know that people drink pop for the carbonation, not the fizz.

39. Peanut Chews- from Complex, “This candy grew up being promised it would mature into a Butterfinger. But at some point Dad turned in his well-paying job at the paint factory for alcoholism, and a Butterfinger this bar did not blossom into. Here’s the scraps of a tattered life. Enjoy.”

40. Sixlets- basically these are M&Ms without the Ms or possibly a bootleg version. Will melt in your hand and packaging, not your mouth.

41. Peppermint Hard Candies-basically the kind you give to someone to let them know that they’re suffering from halitosis. Also, used in waiting rooms and hotels. On Halloween, these may have been in people’s households since Christmas.

42. Crows-basically if all the Dots gumdrops mated with the black licorice, it would result in these. Also, kind of look like small turds from a rabbit.

43. Orange Slices-sugar coated orange candies made to seem like orange slices. Most trick or treaters aren’t that desperate for candy to eat them.

44. Jawbreakers-basically take an hour to eat and may break your teeth. Also have a weak sugary flavor. Yet, kids will still eat them as Top Tenz says, “Kids don’t take a name like Jawbreaker as a warning, they take it as a challenge. Providing candy that encourages children to injure themselves is only a good idea if you plan on giving it away from an unmarked van.” Not a good candy for Halloween.

45. Razor Blades-now these are just bad and possibly illegal to hand out to kids. What a cruel trick indeed.

46. Tootsie Rolls-according to TopTenz, “Tootsie Rolls are ostensibly chewable, but by the time they make it to your candy bag they’ve become a jaw destroying nightmare. The damage they do to your mouth isn’t worth their taste, which resembles chocolate in the sense that roadkill resembles filet mignon.” Said to taste a year old.

47. Chocolate Coins-having chocolate coin in foil may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but there’s something about foil wrapping this delicious food that tends to turn into a major disappointment. Not only is foil wrapped chocolate disgusting but for no obvious reason why. As Top Tenz reports, “Maybe the coins sit on store shelves for too long and don’t age well, or maybe their low cost is maintained by replacing the regular ingredients for chocolate with murdered drifters. We’ll never know.”

48. Ring Pops-of course, they may belong in the category “seemed like a good idea at the time.” Yet, the second you start eating one, it turns into a sticky, disgusting mess. Anything you touch afterwards becomes gooey and gross and the cheap plastic scratches your fingers. Also, boys are mocked at school for wearing them perhaps as cross dressers, and it’s said that girls who really get into candy jewelry end up in the world’s oldest profession.

49. Aero Chocolate-high concept candy never works out for anyone, especially kids.

50. Strawberry Peanut Butter M&Ms-oh, please don’t mess with a classic, especially if it contains anything fruit flavored. Disgusting.

51. Peanut Butter Taffy-taste nothing like peanut butter and offer a terrible Halloween experience for kids. Someone at Nooga.com writes, “Other than getting molested by your uncle while he wears a werewolf mask, I can’t think of worse disappointment on Halloween than finding a bunch of these candies in a treat haul. These are the candies that are decomposing in that plastic pumpkin you stored in the closet from last Halloween. Dogs don’t even like these, and they’re supposedly made of peanut butter.”

52. White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms-let’s see, basically these are jammed pack with artificial ingredients and deprived of nutritious content. Also, these probably taste as bad as you would expect. Oh, why Mars Corporation? Regular M&Ms would do just fine.

53. Marshmallow Peeps-these are for Easter so either use them for your peep dioramas or don’t buy them at all for Halloween.

54. Jelly Beans-unless, they’re from Bertie Botts, these aren’t appropriate for the Halloween season. And even then, the kids may not want to eat them.

55. Horehound-basically it’s a medicinal herb disguised as candy and mostly reserved for senior citizens with diabetes. Kids are better off getting cough drops. Also, it has a name of what you’d call a female dog that was humped by all the male dogs in the neighborhood.

56. Carrots-they’re food you eat for meals like lunch and dinner as well as an occasional healthy snack or at a party. Halloween isn’t the time for healthy alternatives.

57. Diet Candy Bars-oh, please, these are for self-conscious adults who want to lose weight but not for kids who just want candy and don’t care about their weight and health, yet.

58. Religious Pamplets- look, unless it’s from the kid’s religious class (or parochial school and/or local religious establishment like a church, mosque, temple, synagogue, coven, shrine, or cult commune), their presence isn’t welcomed in any private residence and are guaranteed to offend possibly non-religious parents (or parents belonging to a different religious tradition). I hear Chick Tracts are fairly famous ones which would be seen as offensive to almost every group of people out there other than perhaps conservative Fundamentalist Christians in the American South. Seriously, Halloween isn’t the time to proselytize the good news, especially to children. Still, these are worse than toothbrushes.

59. Hershey’s Candy Corn Crème Bars- yes, they exist and they resemble a yellow and orange bar of soap. It’s pretty disgusting.

60. Candy Canes-now why give out a candy on Halloween you use to decorate your Christmas Tree? Besides, it’s too early.

61. McDonald’s/Burger King Gift Certificates-yes, we’ve all got them and most of the time our parents tried using them after they were expired. You’re better off getting gift certificates from your local pizza place.

62. Thrills Soap Gum-from iVillage.ca, “Where did this stuff go when Halloween was over? Purple and soap-flavored, it was ALWAYS the last thing in your bag. But then one day in late November, you’d rifle through your old stash with a massive sugar craving, and that’s all that would be left. And you’d think…aw, heck, might as well chew it…..”

63. Pumpkin Peeps-for those who couldn’t resist the inedible marshmallow Easter icons, here’s the perfect Halloween treat for you. These are only for the peep diorama types, not for kids.

64. Ribbon Candy-from Mommyish, “This makes my skin crawl, as it brings back memories of the sharp ends of it slicing through my tongue. This stuff is actually a weapon. Maybe you should keep some in your purse.”

65. Business Swag-using Halloween as a way to promote your business platform. Explain to me how that’s going to make a kid happy. It isn’t.

66. Loose Peanuts-well, they may seem like healthy alternative, but are more suited for football games and aren’t likely to be enjoyed when not in a can. This is especially true if these legumes are found in their shells.

67. Sweet Tarts Squeeze-what the hell is this candy? Also, really gross for a night devoted to eating tons of sugar.

68. Old and Decrepit Toys-from Babble, “There are two families in my neighborhood (who perhaps know each other and copied the other’s trick-or-treat style) that collect old and dirty toys and tell innocent children to stick a hand inside a bag and pull out a rusted car or doll with a broken head while explaining to the parents that they are good toys but since they have no room for them, they hand out for Halloween.”

69. Mystery Candy-face it, kids won’t eat any candy they can’t identify or recognize.

70. Baby Ruth Bars-just have too many peanuts and not enough chocolate.

71. Candy Apple Milky Way Bars-from Chicago Now, “Can you imagine the surprise on some 8 year old’s face when they bite into this and instead of a rich, caramel and chocolate flavor they get a mouthful of fake candy apple? Was this a ploy on Milky Way’s part to decimate the candy apple business?”

72. Pumpkin Spice Hershey’s Kisses-let’s face it, while the pumpkin spice latte may be popular, this doesn’t mean you put pumpkin spice in everything. According to a writer from Chicago Now, “I think these are completely disgusting, but I’m not really a huge pumpkin fan to begin with. Personally, I’d rather indulge in some pumpkin seeds than the fake pumpkin flavored chocolate. Have you ever had a kid ask you for pumpkin flavored chocolate? I’m not talking about asking if they could put chocolate syrup on pumpkin pie, but a chocolate bar that has been soiled by pumpkin seasoning. Sure there might be a few adults that enjoy this one, but spare the children.”

73. Brach’s Candy Corn Gummies- according to a writer from Chicago Now, “In this horrific experiment, they got rid of the one good thing about regular candy corn and replaced it with a rubbery, chewy texture that you just can’t get out of your mouth quick enough. Why would anyone think this would be a good idea?”

74. Political Ads-second to unwelcome stuff you can put in a kid’s trick or treat bag are these, especially if you’re a political candidate. Save the ads for Election Day if you want to give them out.

75. Anything Tampered-now receiving a treat that may have some tampering on it, well, if you give anything containing razor blades or poison, then you can expect a lawsuit from the parents or jail. You’d be surprised how often this happens and sometimes it makes the news. So don’t be that guy. Also, goes the same for candy laced with illegal drugs or any substance that’s illegal for people under 21.

76. Pop-now giving out candy is one thing, but giving out carbonated beverages, well, they’re even less healthy than the standard Halloween fare. And I have received this on Halloween.

77. Eggs-let’s see, they aren’t candy and can easily break. Best served to be thrown by teenagers.

78. Rocks-no child wants a Halloween trick or treat bag like Charlie Brown’s and even he’s miserable getting them.

79. Poop-this one speaks for itself whether it be from you or your dog. Now that’s just worse than rocks.

80. Nothing-from 2Shopper, “At least when you have bad Halloween candy, you’ve still earned some reward. When you receive nothing for painting your face and looking ridiculous out in public, you might as well join the kid who got a rock for Halloween.” Yes, giving nothing might lead to these same crying little kids throw rocks at your house later. I mean c’mon, it would be nicer if you gave out stuff like crunchy frogs, ram’s bladder cups, cockroach clusters, or spring surprise.

The Wonderful World of Halloween Pumpkin Carving

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 9, 2014

Carving pumpkins has always been a Halloween traditions since the legend of the Jack-o’-lantern. People tend to open a pumpkin, empty out all the seeds and entrails, carve a face, and put a light in it to for the outside. Of course, there are people who engage themselves in this Halloween tradition and some who don’t. Still, many people do carve some amazing pumpkins for this Halloween season. I can go on with how amazing some of these carvings are but you probably don’t want to hear that. Instead I’ll do a post on pumpkin carvings that are either not family friendly and/or doomed to offend your neighbors or drive trick or treaters away. Nevertheless, Halloween is one of those holidays where you could get away with being tacky or creepy so this was a hard post and some images may be not safe for work. Viewer discretion is advised. So without further adieu and your viewing pleasure, here’s an assortment of Halloween pumpkins you don’t want to see on your block.

1. Guess, pumpkins need a way to cope when nature calls.

I’m sure a display saying “2 Pumpkins, 1 Cup” won’t go well with guests. Also, it’s pretty disgusting on what’s implied to be in the cup. This just takes bathroom humor a little too far.

2. Now this jack-o’-lantern seems to be too jackshit crazy over burning his own kind.

Okay, that’s a little too disturbing and very unsafe. I mean this pumpkin is just vile taking over the grill burning his smaller counterparts. Sheesh.

3. Now I’m sure the kiddies will appreciate this reenactment of the Death Star blowing up Alderaan.

Now this isn’t a safe pumpkin and a rather traumatizing one to Star Wars fans. Hope this isn’t where kids could walk through.

4. Pumpkin in a plastic bag, what can go wrong here?

Is it just me or does it just seem like a depiction of a jack-o’-lantern drowning or suffocating? Either way it’s pretty bad since people have been killed through plastic bags.

5. Looks like someone is taking pleasure in his meal.

Of course, having his orange friend feasting on his innards won’t go so well for the white pumpkin. Still, this is just sick and very disturbingly cannibalistic.

6. Behold, the jack-o’-centipede.

For those who’ve seen the terrible Human Centipede movies, I’m sure you’d probably not want your kids to visit a house with a pumpkin carving designed to imitate this. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

7. Of course, some pumpkins still need to do the time.

But having them spend prison in a pumpkin shell, well, I can’t even think about it. Of course, this is one of the least inappropriate of the bunch.

8. I’m sure Jack must’ve done something terribly wrong to get the chair.

Seriously, the death penalty isn’t really a subject you should mock, especially since the electric chair is still used for execution in a few states as well as seen as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. Now here’s a good idea on what to do when you have an old aquarium you haven’t used since your pet turtle died.

However, just don’t create the impression of your carved pumpkins drowning. I mean drowning isn’t something people should joke about, even on Halloween. This is especially true for those who live near the coast or work at a pool.

10. Behold, a Halloween pumpkin tribute to the Alien movies.

Actually, I’m 24 years old and this display just makes me puke. Still, this is just far too graphic for any Halloween display. Guaranteed to traumatize the kiddies for sure.

11. Congratulations, it’s quintuplets. and a bunch of red pumpkins.

Let’s just say, displays that show the delivery room and nature’s bounty in a cornucopia don’t go together. Nice to make those gourds look like boobs though.

12. I didn’t say “Let’s play doctor.” I said, “Let’s play Medieval doctor.”

Now this is just graphic and sick. I understand gory Halloween displays, but this just frightens trick or treaters. Besides, that pumpkin with a saw needs to be put to jail.

13. Oh, no, it’s the claw.

This display makes me more terrified of vending machines than I ever had since watching Toy Story. Also, I don’t think the big pumpkin’s intentions are good.

14. Hmmm…pumpkin brain surgery, now I’ve seen everything.

Sure it may look clever but that brain gourd seems too close to the real thing. Also, it might scare the kids.

15. Use your pumpkin to store your beer for this year’s Oktoberfest by attaching a tap on it.

Warning: must try to store it in a safe place when Halloween comes around. Also, don’t attempt this if your friends suspect you of alcoholism.

16. Oh, look a man and a oh, my God!

What the fuck? Seriously, bestiality is animal abuse! Why does anyone think this is funny? Seriously, such display basically offends everyone and won’t attract trick or treaters. WTF is right. Not cool.

17. Oh, look a princess pumpkin carving. Wait a minute, this is a reenactment of Carrie!

Now perhaps we shouldn’t carve pumpkins to pay tribute to Stephen King novels. Still, at least it’s not a tribute to the Shawshank Redemption or the Green Mile.

18, Looks like this pumpkin seems to take advice from the Tim Taylor School of Technology.

I don’t think making a pumpkin depicting a garage mishap may not be very funny as it is on Home Improvement. Sad to say. Still, when you want to do a hammer head pumpkin, stick with the shark.

19. Now this pumpkin macdaddy sure is stylin’ with his foil grill and sunglasses.

Now this is just in really poor taste. Seriously, pimps are never good idea for Halloween costumes or pumpkins, especially if you have black people in your neighborhood.

20. Now this will be a perfect pumpkin for my sex dungeon.

Now this is just very inappropriate to children and perhaps offensive to those in the BDSM community. Then again, children may not know anything about BDSM as far as I know.

21. Oh, no, the jack-o’-lantern just blew his brains out!

Now this is just simply inappropriate and certain to offend neighbors. Using a gun in a Halloween display is never okay. Seriously, gun violence is nothing to joke about at all, especially suicide.

22. Looks like this pumpkin baby needs a diaper change.

I’m sure all parents have memories of this. Still, this is downright sick if you know what I mean. Besides, there are just some subjects that shouldn’t be used in decoration.

23. Now here’s a flasher pumpkin with a gourd genitalia.

Now this is a very inappropriate pumpkin carving, indeed. Seriously flashing is considered indecent exposure and sometimes street harassment that will get you arrested. Seriously, why?

24. Okay, keep your hands off your pumpkin butt.

Now this is just a really inappropriate design to display in your front yard. Not to mention, your neighbors might think it contains sexual connotations or feel very insulted.

25. Now there’s nothing like a hanging in a cemetery scene.

Wait a minute, we should remember, people in the South used to lynch black people by hanging them on a tree during segregation. Also, people kill themselves this way. This explains why hangings are never a good idea in a Halloween decoration.

26. Now here’s a pumpkin design taken straight from a truck’s sleazy mudflaps.

A naked mudflap lady on your decoration basically says, “Hi, I’m a single man and I’m a male chauvinist pig.” I know it may not apply to all men who have a thing for the mudflaps with the naked ladies, but it’s pretty much the stereotype.

27. Now here’s a pumpkin of how babies are made.

Now I’ve seen a lot of these pumpkin carvings with sex imagery. This one is about as tame as you can get. Still, I’m sure such pumpkin imagery is sure to offend parents.

28. Of course, there will certainly be a full moon tonight.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkins featuring naked backsides as well. The lady ones usually pertain to a witch. This one was about the least offensive but still inappropriate.

29. Ladies and gentlemen, the crack-ho’-lantern.

Now this is just plain offensive and racist even if the hair isn’t exactly black. Yet, we know how crack hos tend to be stereotyped. Seriously, why?

30. Now here’s a pumpkin on how babies are made.

Now this is just in poor taste. This is a more appropriate Halloween display for sex ed or a doctor’s office than anything else.

31. Nothing indicates a stoner residence like a carved pumpkin of a marijuana leaf.

Now I’m sure police wouldn’t want to search your house if they saw that pumpkin carving would they? Of course, that only goes for people who live outside of Colorado and the state of Washington. Still, Willie Nelson would be proud.

32. Great, now these pumpkins are devouring people!

Now this is pretty sick if you really think about it. Still, this pumpkin display is guaranteed to give young trick or treaters nightmares.

33. Well, maybe the pumpkin ate your baby.

Now having a carved pumpkin gnaw at some human leg is one thing. Yet, one devouring a little kid, now that’s just too disturbing to put in one’s yard.

34. Behold, the Hannibal-Lect-o’-lantern.

Now I’m sure using Silence of the Lambs isn’t an appropriate subject for pumpkin carvings. This is especially true when its a carving of a guy who said, “I ate his liver with a fine chianti and some fava beans.” Then again, Buffalo Bill would be a worse choice.

35. The Jack-o’-Lantern goes to the doctors.

Of course, this decoration should only be appropriate for medical offices that don’t take any children. Also, I’m not sure if the gown is put on the right way.

36. Use your pumpkin to store your nice cold beer for football season.

Now I’m sure this isn’t the kind of pumpkin carving suited for families. Might want to store this away from trick or treaters.

37. Oh, no, some pumpkin is wearing a thong!

Now this is just not an appropriate decoration that will offend parents traveling with their kids during trick or treating. Seriously, why?

38. Yikes! someone has pulled a grenade!

Now I’m sure a pumpkin grenade isn’t dangerous but it may trigger some painful memories among the war veterans in your life. Also, I’m sure that pumpkin on the left is scared shitless.

39. Pedobear says there’s free candy.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles as well as child sexualization like kiddie pageants and not as a mascot for pedophilia. However, this doesn't stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they're with their parents.

Now I know that Pedobear is actually used to mock pedophiles and not as a mascot for pedophilia. Whenever, he’s on a picture it means, “you’re being creepy about a kid” and has been used to track down real pedophiles by authorities and Chris Hansen. However, this doesn’t stop people from being offended by him. Also, it might repel more trick or treaters than attract especially if they’re with their parents.

40. Come to this house and see nude girls now.

Now this gives “trick or treat” an inappropriate new meaning. Still, I hope this pumpkin display is at an actual strip joint and not some private residence. No one in their right mind would want this on their doorstep. Seriously, why?

41. Here the pumpkin chef reads a recipe while relieving himself.

If this is how the filling in pumpkin pie is made, then I’m going to barf. Seriously, this is really disgusting.

42. For those in the family way, why not break the news with a pumpkin display like this?

This pumpkin reminds me of those stomach cakes I saw when researching baby shower cakes. Let’s just say this is less heartwarming than just poor taste. Sorry, expectant parents.

43. For those welcoming their bundle of joy on this Halloween, here’s a little pumpkin to commemorate the occasion.

I’ve seen a lot of pumpkin birth scenes on the internet. And let me say, it’s hard to believe unless you’ve seen them. Still, not an appropriate Halloween subject no matter how scary birth may be.

44. When you get Ablolut Vodka, you get absolutely buzzed.

Can’t believe that this won second place at a pumpkin carving contest. Too bad it’s bound to offend the neighbors, especially with the little pumpkin puking.

45. Never put a jack-o’-lantern in your yard for you’d never know when they’ll attack.

This is just too graphic for children trick or treaters. Let’s just say, one look at this and a child may be too traumatized to either carve pumpkins or do any landscaping.

46. And now, kids, this is how pumpkin pie is made.

So this is basically a way you can get a kid not to eat pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving again since they’ll think it’s pumpkin shit.

47. Sometimes pumpkins need to pay for college somehow.

A stripper pumpkin with a thong full of money, now I’ve seen everything. Still, this pumpkin display would make kids ask their parents, “Why does this pumpkin have its underwear with money?” I don’t think they want to answer that.

48. Guess this pumpkin couldn’t stand this cruel world any longer.

Okay, now this is just plain wrong. Seriously, suicide is nothing to laugh about, especially via shotgun. Also, very graphic with the pumpkin stuff on the wall.

49. Have the time of your reich, I mean life with this pumpkin tribute of Dirty Dancing.

What it’s supposed to be: A scene from Dirty Dancing featuring Patrick Swayze. What it looks like: Someone doing a Nazi salute. Moral: some scenes in pumpkins may look really different than what the carver intended.

50. Looks like this pumpkin had a bit too much to drink.

Now humor relating to drunk people puking may be funny for an adult audience. Yet, it’s not appropriate Halloween humor for most trick or treaters. Also, very messy.

Aztec Mythology Reexamined: The Gods

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 5, 2014

Since October is National Hispanic Heritage Month,I couldn’t think of a better mythological tradition to commemorate in October than the Aztecs. Of course, the Aztecs we know actually consisted of a bunch of ethnic groups that dominated much of Mesoamerica who spoke the Nahuatl language that dominated large parts of Mexico and Central America between the 14th to 16th centuries. Still, while you may wonder why I may discuss Aztec mythology for October to commemorate National Hispanic Heritage Month while there are a lot of Hispanics who aren’t Mexican, I list my reasons here:

1. A lot of Aztec culture was adopted by a lot of from the surrounding civilizations or descended from older ones like the Toltec. In other words, they adopted and combined several traditions with their own earlier ones, which explains why they have several creation myths. And many of while many of the deities I list in this post may have been gods worshiped in other Pre-Columbian civilizations like Quetzalcoatl, we know most of them by their Aztec names.

2. While the Aztecs obviously don’t have the only mythological tradition, their mythology is better known to us than that of any civilization in Pre-Columbian (even the Mayas). This is because the Aztecs were a dominant power in the Americas until the arrival of Hernando Cortez, had a written language, and an educated populace (they were the most literate civilization in Pre-Columbian America at the time due to having a compulsory education system), and had a mythological tradition most people would’ve remembered to write down.By contrast, there’s not so much we know about Mayan and Incan mythology.

Still, Aztec mythology can be rather confusing.The Aztecs had over 100 specific deities and supernatural creatures in their myths. And like the Egyptian gods, many of them tend to have different names as well as different incarnations (either as humanoid, beast, or somewhere in between). It also doesn’t help that Aztec mythology is not known for its consistency and many of them have a lot of different origin stories. Not only that, but many tend to have names which are very hard to pronounce or spell. Still, the Aztecs really didn’t consider their deities as “gods” in the European sense since their their word for one was “teotl” which indicated a force of nature that didn’t necessarily have an Anthropomorphic Personification. And then you have the whole human sacrifice thing the Aztecs were notorious, which they practiced with creativity previously unseen by humanity (mostly to stave off a possible cosmic apocalypse), as well as their deities possessing a notion of duality with their gods being both good and evil. Still, human sacrifice victims were treated similar to Hunger Games contestants than anything, though they were mostly exempted from a fight to the death and guaranteed a place in heavenly paradise. Some would even be seen as representatives to the gods. There are also deities who tend to be the gods of the same thing and its very unclear on who’s in charge of this pantheon. Many of them could die and be reborn many times. Not to mention, their ideas on good and evil were pretty strange. For instance, your afterlife wasn’t based on how you lived, but how you died (and even if you didn’t get into Aztec heaven, the alternatives weren’t exactly hellish). Oh, and for a culture that practiced a lot of human sacrifice and war, every Aztec child was subject to compulsory education while their treatment of slaves was said to be amazing (and more like indentured servitude). So without further adieu, here are some of the major gods you’d find in the Aztec pantheon (or at least the major ones I could find pictures for).

1. Quetzalcoatl

Quetzalcoatl is perhaps one of the nicer gods of the pantheon who didn’t demand a lot of sacrifices as well as the one most of us know. He’s known as a creator and friend to humanity as well as associated with death and resurrection. Still, despite his parallels with Jesus, he is no saint.

AKA: “The Feathered Serpent” and “Precious Twin”

Origin: If we go by the iconography, he’s one of the oldest gods in the pantheon with a strong Mesoamerican presence. Though he may be referred by a different name in other civilizations, his feathered serpent image has been depicted in Mesoamerican art and religion at least since 900 BCE starting with the Olmec in La Venta (or as it’s popularly believed). Still, his first documented was in the first century BCE or CE in Teotihuacan which was in the Late Preclassic or Early Classic period.

Domain: God of wisdom, life, knowledge, crafts, arts, morning star, fertility, patron of the winds, dawn and the light, and lord of the West. Patron of the Aztec priesthood, merchants, and learning. Said to be a creator deity having contributed essentially to the creation of Mankind and gave them maize. Also said to invent books and the calendar as well as taught humans crafts, farming, medicine, and astronomy. Sometimes seen as a symbol of death and the resurrection. Of course, this doesn’t stop some Mormons from believing that he’s Jesus Christ (well, they’re both said to be born by a virgin in some stories). Was once said to be the mythical king of Tula (or Teotihuacan) in human form.

Pro: Well, he’s just about the only god who either opposed human sacrifice or didn’t require it (again owing to the inconsistencies). Said to create a fifth world by journeying to the Aztec underworld Mictlán, stealing the bones of the previous races from under Mictlanteuctli’s and grinding them to mix with corn (with the help of Cihuacoatl), and using his own blood from the wounds he inflicted on his ear lobes, calves, tongue, and penis it imbue the bones with new life. Said to be able to fly, very smart, and a rather tough fighter. Not to mention, he’s the Aztec god who’s the most familiar to us and whose name isn’t a nightmare to spell. Also, unlike a lot of gods in mythology, he’s able to keep it in his pants (unlike Zeus) at least when he’s sober (though he’s sometimes said to sire royal lineages or married to Ītzpāpālōtl). Still, he’s considered one of the nicest gods in the pantheon (though that’s not saying much yet the Spanish did depict him as a benevolent figure, but this was out of ignorance though). Said to be a wise and peaceful ruler of Tula who ushered in a golden age.

Con: Spends a lot of time in the mythos fighting his brother Tezcatlipoca (though neither of them were said to be explicitly good or evil or necessarily “better,” they just really hate each other and only teamed up to slay Cipatli. Still, their rivalry caused them to destroy each other’s worlds they ruled and created). Oh, and as king of Tula, he was such a hit there that none of the other gods were receiving tribute. This led to Tezcatlipoca coming to earth, worming his way through his brother’s court and getting him rip-roaringly drunk that he ended up sleeping with his sister Quetzalpetlatl (or a priestess in some stories). Ashamed, he went into self-imposed exile, burned himself to death on a funeral pyre, came back to life, and sailed to the east on a snake raft, promising to return (but probably not as Cortes, since that is more likely Spanish propaganda). He’s also capable of jealousy (I mean he and Tezcatlipoca basically overthrew Chalchiuhtlicue and ended the fourth world in a massive flood just out of envy). Also, introduced humans to alcohol and is associated with ceremonial drunkedness. Not to mention, it’s said that Tezcatlipoca has to keep him from returning to full power or everything would be destroyed. So to say that Quetzalcoatl is the Aztec equivalent to Jesus is quite of a stretch.

Symbols and Motifs: Commonly depicted as a gigantic, coiling, feathered serpent or dragon (but many artists put wings on him which he doesn’t have in Pre-Columbian iconography though legend say he’s capable of flight). His symbols are resplendent quetzels, rattlesnakes (coatl means snake in Nahuatl), crows, and macaws. In his form as the morning star (Venus), he’s depicted as a harpy eagle. As Ehecatl, he’s the wind and is represented by spider monkeys, ducks, and the wind itself. In human form, he’s seen as an old man (explaining why he’s seen as light skinned with light hair). His insignia is a beak like mask.

City: Cholula where the world’s largest pyramid was dedicated to his worship. You could also say his other notable cities were Tula, Chichen Itza, Xochicalco, and Teotihuacan.

Offerings: He usually is perfectly fine without a human sacrifice (or outright condemn it. Still, his reasons are understandable. After all, he’s said to create humanity). He was usually offered birds, snakes, and butterflies as well other animals.

2. Tezcatlipoca

Tezcatlipoca was Quetzalcoatl’s rival and archenemy as well as a trickster deity and the closest thing to an Aztec Loki. Still, on his festival a young man would be chosen in his likeness and would live the life of Riley for a year before he’d sacrificed to this deity.

AKA: “Smoking Mirror,” “The Mocker,” “Enemy of Both Sides,” “Lord of the Near and the Nigh,” “The Young Man,” “Mountainheart,” “Night, Wind,” “We are his Slaves,” “Possessor of the Sky and Earth,” “Two Reed,” and “He by whom we live”

Origin: If we go by the iconography, his figure worship may date back to as early as the Olmec or Maya. If not, then Toltec.

Domain: God of providence, magic, matter and the invisible, ruler of the night, Great Bear, impalpable, ubiquity and the twilight, and the lord of the North. God of rulers, sorcerers, slaves, nobles, and warriors as well as death, discord, temptation, and change. Associated with night sky, mischief, malice, the night winds, hurricanes, the earth, obsidian, enmity, rulership, divination, jaguars, beauty, war, and strife.He’s basically a trickster deity as well as the closest thing the Aztecs had to Loki with all its implications. Said he could be invisible, omnipresent, and could see everything. Is very much one magnificent bastard. Had 4 wives.

Pro: He’s a badass and lost a right leg battling the Cipatli with Quetzalcoatl as well as won seemingly unwinnable battles in Tula. Also, since he’s the god of slaves, he’s very nice to work for and willing to punish those who mistreated theirs. He’s also easily appeasable and generous. Not to mention, he’s said to be rather good looking and one of the more powerful gods in the pantheon. Charged with keeping Quetzalcoatl from returning to full power.

Con: He’s an eternal enemy and rival of his brother Quetzalcoatl (or alter-ego if you want to think that). Basically when upset that no offerings were made to him while his brother was king of Tula that he infiltrated his court and managed to make the Feathered Serpent so drunk that he banged their sister (or priestess) and had him basically burn himself and heading to the east. Still, he’s a smooth manipulative bastard and philandering cad. Not to mention, running off with Thaloc’s first wife Xochiquetzal (which may have been against her will) resulting in the third world’s drought and destruction through fire. Not to mention, suffers from epic mood swings and always looking for a reason to cause trouble.

Symbols and Motifs: Often depicted as a jaguar or a young man. His symbol was a disk worn as a chest pectoral though he’s associated with smoke, mirrors, and obsidian. As a human, he’s usually portrayed with a black and yellow stripe on his face and a right foot missing (though what it’s replaced with depends on the story). May sometimes have a smoking mirror on his chest or carry smoking knife. Associated with the color black.

City: His festival was the Toxcatl which took place in May. His main temple was located in Tenochtitlan. Also worshiped in Texcoco, Tlaxcala, and Chalco.

Offerings: It was Aztec tradition for the new king to stand naked in front of his likeness while emphasizing his utter unworthiness. He’d also fast for this god as well. At his temples copal incense was burned 4 times a day. Still, during Toxcatl, the Aztec priests would choose a young man to impersonate the god and he would spend a year living like a deity, wearing jewelry, partying, marrying 4 women, and being waited on by 8 attendants. Yet, when his time was up the young man would be sacrificed at Tezcatlipoca’s temple and the priests would eat his body later. The 4 ladies would be sacrificed, too. Then a new candidate would be chosen for the following year.

3.Tlaloc

Thaloc may be one of the more unpleasant gods in the Aztec pantheon yet since he’s the rain god, he’s one of the more essential. Still, his abode in the heavens is said to be an earthly paradise. Nevertheless, he’s not the best looking despite having 2 gorgeous wives.

AKA: “He who is the embodiment of Earth,” “Giver,” and “Green One”

Origin: His cult is one of the oldest and most universal in Mexico. Was likely adopted by the Aztecs from the Mayan god Chaac which they may have got from Teotihuacan. Was worshiped in Mesoamerican at least 800 years before the Aztecs.

Domain: God of rain, fertility, and lightning. Lord of water. Associated with storms and mountaintops. Also said to be the lord of the heavens which was a place for for those who died violently from phenomena associated with water, such as by lightning, drowning, and water-borne diseases. Not to mention, his place also took child sacrifice victims and those who died from leprosy, venereal disease, sores, dropsy, scabies, and gout.

Pro: Seen as a beneficial god who gave life and sustenance. Also his name isn’t a spelling nightmare. Not to mention, his home is known as a place of eternal springtime and plenty. Seemed to love his wives (despite one leaving him for Tezcatlipoca, which he handled badly but you could understand why he didn’t try to get her back).

Con: He was feared since he could send hail, thunder, and lightning. Also denied water to humanity that when Quetzalcoatl asked him to make it rain, he made it rain fire destroying the third world. Required child sacrifices and it didn’t help that he was an essential god to the Aztecs. Not to mention, adult sacrifices offered to him were flayed alive.

Symbols and Motifs: His planet form is Venus while his animal forms are herons, amphibians, snails, and possibly sea creatures. Associated with turquoise, jade, green, and blue. Usually depicted with goggle eyes, a cleft lip, and jaguar fangs (though he’s said to have 2 hot wives).

City: Mount Tlaloc was his most important shrine and had 2 shrines at Tenochtitlan and possibly the Pyramid of the Sun in Teotihuacán. Shared the Great Temple with Huitzilopochtli. His festivals were Atlcahualo in Februrary, Tozoztontli in March and April, and Atemoztli in December.

Offerings: He was offered human hearts from a bowl. Sacrifice victims were buried in blue paint and with seeds. Received offerings of jade, shells, vegetables, and sand. Still, he’s best known for requiring children sacrificed to him from mountain tops and they had to die crying. 7 kiddies would be sacrificed to him in and around Lake Texcoco. Also adult victims offered to him were flayed alive or drowned and their skins worn by the priests.

4.Tonatiuh

Though Tonatiuh is said to be a rather benevolent god who provides people warmth and nourishment through his rays, he demands a lot of sacrifices. Still, he did get the job rather fairly before letting it all go to his head.

AKA: “Movement of the Sun”

Origin: Well, he was a sun god who may have came from the Mayas (with the similar calendar design) since there’s a myth of Huitzilopochtli being the fifth sun as well, and he comes from the Mexica and Aztecs themselves.

Domain: God of the sun and leader of Tollan and heaven. Patron of jaguar and eagle warriors.

Pro: Well, he’s the fifth guy to be the sun after Tezcatlipoca, Quetzalcoatl, Thaloc, and Chalchiuhtlicue (well, in some versions at least). Oh, and when he applied for a job, he was a poor, crippled god Nanahuatzin but beat favorite Tecciztecatl for the post through courage, selflessness, and luck. Also said to bring warmth and nourishment to the Aztec people through his cosmic rays.

Con: Since becoming the sun, he demands a huge amount of sacrifices as tribute (though he did sacrifice himself to become the fifth sun). If he doesn’t get them, then he’d refuse to move through the sky unless the gods give themselves up to him. Also, turned the dawn god Tlahuizcalpantecuhtli just for insulting him (then again the dawn god isn’t very nice but still).

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a sun disk or the center of the Aztec calendar.

City: Tenochtitlan.

Offerings: Requires a lot of human sacrifices each morning to revitalize but apparently may not be as much as Huitzilopochtli.

5. Xochiquetzal

Xochiquetzal was an Aztec goddess of love and perhaps one of the best looking gods in the pantheon. Still, though one of the nicer deities to humans, she’s as forgiving as long as the Aztecs would sacrifice at least one virgin to her every 8 years.

AKA: “Flower Quetzel,” “Maiden,” and “Precious Feather”

Origin: Well, she may have origins in Teotihuacan or be the Virgin of Ocotlan as well as Maya Goddess I, but the jury’s still out.

Domain: Goddess of flowers, dancing, fertility, female sexuality, love, and beauty. Protector of young mothers and patroness to pregnancy, childbirth, prostitutes, and women’s crafts like weaving and embroidery. Associated with creators of luxury items, painters, and sculptors. Representative of human desire, pleasure, vegetation, and excess. Twin sister of Xochipilli and first wife of Tlaloc.

Pro: Well, unlike many of the gods in this pantheon, she’s actually quite nice to look at according to humans and the gods themselves. Also said to be a rather forgiving goddess for human crimes despite demanding virgin sacrifices.

Con: She was Thaloc’s first wife and he took their break up hard when Tezcatlipoca snatched her up and forced her to marry him (then again, she’s been linked to other gods as well as one of the goddesses said to be Quetzalcoatl’s mom). Also said to seduce a priest and turn him into a scorpion. Still, she’s said to have a reputation as having many husbands and lovers (including her brother).

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as an alluring and youthful woman. Her symbols are flowers, particularly marigolds. Sacred animals are birds and butterflies.

City: Tenochtitlan. Had a festival held in her honor every 8 years called Atamalqualiztli where worshipers wore animal masks in her honor. There was also Tepeílhuitl and Xochíhuitl.

Offerings: Had a virgin sacrificed to her every 8 years in which she was flayed alive with her skin being put on a loom before being worn. Worshipers would then engage in a ritual bloodletting and bath.

6. Xochipilli

Xochipilli is Xochiquetzal and one of the more friendly gods in the Aztec pantheon in that he’s somewhat of a hippie. Still, it’s kind of a relief to people in the 21st century that he’s the god of gays though he’s married and would do it with anyone.

AKA: “Flower Prince,” “Five-Flower,” and “Flower Child”

Origin: His worship at least dates to the Pre-Classic Teotihuacán or the Toltecs.

Domain: God of art, games, beauty, dance, flowers, song, feasting, creativity, soul, love, fertility, and homosexuality. Patron of gay men and male prostitutes as well as painting and writing. Twin brother (or husband) of Xochiquetzal. Associated with butterflies, excess, and poetry.

Pro: Well, being the god of gays sort of reveals that Aztec society was a rather LGBT friendly one as far as I could tell. Still, he’s said to be the closest thing in the Aztec pantheon to a hippie (which means he doesn’t demand a lot of human sacrifices). Said to turn dead warriors into hummingbirds.

Con: Despite being the god of homosexuality, he’s said to actually be bi in the mythos and married to a human girl Mayahuel (who’s said to be the goddess of booze though) and is sometimes said to be romantically linked to his sister Xochiquetzel. Also associated with tobacco and psychoactive drugs. Nevertheless, he’s reputed to be a hedonist with a playful mischievous streak.

Symbols and Motifs: Hallucinogenic plants are said to be sacred to him as well as mushrooms. Usually depicted as a youthful man though rather skinless. Other symbols are flowers and tobacco.

City: Xochimilco.

Offerings: His offerings usually tend to be hallucinogenic plants, mushrooms, and flowers as well as butterflies and animal skins.

7. Huehuecoyotl

Huehuecoyotl was one of the more popular gods of the Aztec pantheon and its resident trickster deity. Still, whether he helps humanity or causes genocide usually depends on his mood. He’d also hump anything.

AKA: “Old Man Coyote”

Origin: We’re not sure where the Aztecs got this god from. Then again, they were said to be from Arizona where their Indians did have a coyote trickster deity.

Domain: God of dance, song, trickery, music, old age, mischief, and male sexuality. Associated with indulgence, good luck, balance, and storytelling.He’s also a trickster deity who can change gender and go both ways. As a shapeshifter, he takes any form he wants.

Pro: Well, he’s said to be rather family friendly and laid back as well as very wise. Also rather protective and beneficial mortals when other gods try to harm them as well as even interact with them directly more than Quetzalcoatl. He was one of the more popular gods in the pantheon. Was the only friend to Xolotl (in some sources).

Con: Whether he helps or harms humans usually depends on his mood. He’s also an amoral and sadistic god who was famous for causing genocide on a whim or provoke human wars for fun. Also has many of his pranks blow up in his face if they’re against other gods. Not to mention, he has the biggest sexual appetite in the pantheon and would hump anything.

Symbols and Motifs: Often depicted as an anthropomorphic coyote sometimes with black and yellow feathers. The coyote is his animal and is often seen followed by a human drummer as his attendant.

City: None but he was seen as rather an accessible god to the Aztecs though, explaining why he was so popular.

Offerings: If he needs a human sacrificed, he just starts a war.

8. Chalchiuhtlicue

Chalchiuhtlicue is the goddess of water who was dedicated at weddings and the births of children. Yet, she also caused a flood lasting for 52 years and is married to Tlaloc who has kiddies sacrificed to him.

AKA: “She of the Jade Skirt,” “Sad Waters,” “Woman Who Makes the Waves Swell,” “To and Fro,” “Woman Who Lives in the Sea,” “Sea Storm,” “She Who Dwells on the Back of the Tortoise,” and “She Who Shines in the Waters”

Origin: May have been a derivative from the Early Classic Teotihuacan with the Pyramid of the Moon supposedly dedicated to her. Domain: Goddess of love, beauty, fertility, youth, lakes, rivers, seas, streams, oceans, storms, and baptism. Patroness of childbirth, marriage, and water as well as protector of children and fishermen. Consort (and sometimes sister) of Tlaloc (or Xiuhtecuhtli) and co-ruler of the heavenly Tlalocan and mother of moon god Tecciztecatl.

Pro: Well, she was a better wife to Tlaloc and a protector of women and kids. Oh, and she only staged a flood to purify humanity but built a bridge linking heaven and earth for those in her good graces and turned the other residents into fish so they wouldn’t drown. And she’s quite nice to look at.

Con: You wouldn’t want to hear her name at a spelling bee. Caused a giant flood that lasted for 52 years which destroyed the fourth world. Also, don’t expect her to protect any kiddies sacrificed to her husband Tlaloc.

Symbols and Motifs: To her people, she’s seen as a river but usually depicted as a beautiful woman in a blue green skirt carrying a cross. Associated with serpents, maize, jade, shells, birds, jaguars, and green.

City: Possibly the Pyramid of the Moon in Teotihuacán. Still, there were about five annual Aztec celebrations dedicated to her and her husband like Atlcahualo in February.

Offerings: Her sacrificial victims were drowned yet they were mostly adults and only in June. Still, offerings consisted of birds, cougars, wolves, jaguars, and snakes.

9. Mictlantecuhtli

Mictlantecuhtli is the god of the dead and Lord of Mictlan (the deepest place in the Aztec underworld which takes 4 years to get to). Though not necessarily evil, he’s not particularly nice and actually tried to stop Quetzalcoatl from creating humanity. Also is as creepy as hell but well suited for Halloween parties.

AKA: “Lord of Mictlan” Origin: Well, if we go by iconography, he was adopted by the Aztecs from other Mesoamerican civilizations such as the Maya and Zapotec.

Domain: God of the dead and lord of Mictlan, the Aztec Underworld.

Pro: Like a lot of death deities, he’s not technically evil and Mictlan isn’t really a bad place to be in (though not ideal and took 4 years to get there through a grueling and perilous journey). It’s said he could also grant life as well.

Con: Name is a spelling nightmare and is rather horrendous to look at (though he has a wife named Mictecacihuatl and would certainly fit right in at a Halloween party). Basically told Quetzalcoatl to not touch the bones in Mictlan and gave him an impossible task by having him play a conch shell with no holes in it (the Feathered Serpent pulled it off anyway, thanks to worms). Forced Quetzalcoatl to drop the bones which caused them to break and scatter as well as forced the Feathered Serpent to move on to plan B. Also tried to trick him into staying at Mictlan forever. Still, he’s also feared and portrayed negatively in myths. Said to take pleasure in human death and suffering. Is a bit too in love with his job.

Symbols and Motifs: Depicted as a skeleton in kingly regalia with a toothy skull and eye balls in his sockets (as well as sported an eyeball necklace and earrings fashioned from human bones). Sometimes portrayed as covered in blood. His animals are owl, bats, dogs, and spiders. His symbols are the 11th hour, knives, and the northern compass direction.

City: Tenochtitlan

Offerings: His offerings consisted of human sacrifice and ritualized cannibalism in his temples. Also, offerings to him were usually found in people’s tombs.

10. Huitzilopochtli

Huitzilopochtli is one of the newer gods of the Aztec pantheon who’s best known for helping them founding the city of Tenochtitlan. However, he’s one of the most bloody since it’s said there were over 20,000 human sacrifices conducted in his honor for 4 days.

AKA: “The Left Hand Side,” “The Dart Hurler,” and “The Divine Hurler”

Origin: He’s actually one of the Aztecs’ original deities and was brought south with them. Some say he may have been a historical figure (probably a warrior priest king) who was deified after his death.

Domain: God of war, the will, human sacrifice, and the sun. Patron of fire and lord of the South. National god of the Aztec Empire and people. Though he’s not necessarily the chief god, he’s often referred to as such and the closest the Aztecs got. Mythical founder of Tenochtitlan and told the Aztecs to change their name to Mexica. Associated with rules and gold.

Pro: He’s a badass who can use a lot of improbable weapons like a turquoise spear. Said to help guide the Aztec people into founding the city of Tenochtitlan which was the Pre-Columbian Venice in Lake Texcoco (according to legend). Allowed those who died in battle or killed by enemies as captives as well as women who died in childbirth to accompany him to the heavens. Was said to either avenge or save his mother’s life.

Con: When he was born he killed 400 of his older siblings (yet he’d kill other relatives later like putting another sister to sleep and his nephew). Not to mention, had a nasty fight with his sister that resulted in her getting dismembered and becoming a moon goddess. He’s so bright that soldiers needed their shields to protect their eyes from his sight (though he transformed them into hummingbirds and butterflies). Still, he’s best known as the god with the highest demand for sacrifices and heartburgers with hundreds of prisoners having their chests ripped out in his name.

Symbols and Motifs: Could be depicted as a hummingbird, snake, eagle, a soul of a dead warrior, or as a anthropomorphic figure with feathers on his head and left leg, black face, and holding a scepter shaped like a snake or mirror. Associated with light blue and yellow.The sun eagle that devoured a snake on a cactus is supposed to be him. Aramanth was his plant.

City: Tenochtitlan, of course since he was worship at its Great Temple. Also had a whole month in December dedicated to his worship (called Panquetzaliztli). Festivals include Atamalqualiztli and Toxcatl.

Offerings: Usually consisted of a bunch of POWs having their hearts ripped out at his temple before their bodies were flayed, decapitated, dismembered, and thrown down the stairs. Priests would devour the hearts. 20,000 were said to be sacrificed to him over 4 days. Also had flowers and quail eggs bestowed on him.

11.Tlazolteotl

Tlazolteotl is the goddess of sin, lust, and purification. Though one may be absolved of all sin and untouched by the law. But unlike the Catholic sacrament of reconciliation, confession to her was only a one time Get Out of Jail Free Card. Still, best to confess to her after you’ve been caught cheating. Oh, and she’s depicted eating shit.

AKA: “Goddess of Dirt,” “She Who Eats Dirt,” “She of Two Faces,” “Sin Eater,” and “Death Caused by Lust”

Origin: May have been adopted by the Aztecs from a Huxtec goddess on the Gulf Coast.

Domain: Goddess of sin and absolution, lust, carnality, purification, steam baths, midwives, filth, vice, forbidden love, and sexual misdeeds. Patroness of adulterers, protector of midwives and doctor women, and mother of Centeōtl. Associated with earth.

Pro: Usually forgave diseases and sins caused by misdeeds, particularly sexual indiscretions. One was purified if they confessed their misdeeds to her and the law wouldn’t touch them.

Con: Yet, confession to her was only a once in a lifetime deal and you didn’t want to cheat on your spouse after you’ve done so (since adultery was punishable by death in the Aztec world). She also inspired vicious desires and was thought to cause disease, especially in those who engage in forbidden love. Also shown to eat poo or give birth.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman eating the shit of humanity’s sins and sometimes nude. Sometimes portrayed giving birth. Associated with black.

City: Her festival was the Ochpaniztli in September to celebrate the harvest and pertained to sweeping, ritual cleaning, and repairs as well as casting corn seed and military ceremonies.

Offerings: People would usually give her offerings of urine and excrement.

12. Xiuhtecuhtli

Xiuhtecuhtli was the god of fire and time who was associated with the Aztec New Fire Ceremony held every 52 years. Yet, other than his role in ceremonies, he doesn’t seem to appear much in myths.

AKA: “Lord of Fire,” “Lord of Turquoise,” and “Old God”

Origin: Worship and iconography at least dates back to the Post-Classic Toltecs.

Domain: God of fire, day, light, year, time, and heat. Lord of volcanoes. Personified life after death, warmth in cold, light in darkness, and food during famine. Considered father and mother of the gods as well as sometimes married to Chalchiuhtlicue. Dwelt in the turquoise enclosure in the earth’s center. Patron god of Aztec emperors who were said to be the living embodiment of his enthroned as well as merchants. Associated with rulership and youthful warriors. May actually be the chief deity of the Aztec pantheon.

Pro: Well, he’s said to be associated with being the light of the world and he’s pretty essential to the Aztecs.

Con: Despite his importance in the Aztec world, he doesn’t appear in myths much, at least in the ones we know. Still, his legends may be lost due to the Spanish burning codices during the Conquest.

Symbols and Motifs: Depicted as a young man in a red or yellow face with censer in hand (or arms crossed). Turquoise was sacred to him. His symbols are flint, birds, and butterflies. Sometimes depicted as an old man.

City: Tenochtitlan. His festival was the New Fire Ceremony which took place every 52 years. Also had an annual festival as well lasting for 10 days where kids had their ears pierced and their godparents selected. Also, during the last New Fire Ceremony, the chest cavity didn’t light.

Offerings: First mouthful of food was flung to the hearth from each meal and his temples contained an ever burning sacred fire. During the New Fire Ceremony, in which a fire was lit in a sacrificial victim’s chest cavity. Humans sacrificed to him were usually burned after their hearts were removed, naturally. Also had animal offerings as well which were thrown in the fire every year on his festival.

13. Xipe Totec

Xipe Totec was the god of spring and renewal whose festival marked the coming of spring. However, guys sacrificed to him were killed in a lot of nasty ways which made the spring celebration gorier than a Quentin Tarantino movie.

AKA: “The Flayed Lord”

Origin: Was widely worshiped in Mesoamerica during the Early Post Classic period and was probably adopted by the Aztecs.

Domain: God of force, war, agriculture, vegetation, diseases, seasons, rebirth, hunting, trades, spring, liberation and lord of the East. Patron of goldsmiths and silversmiths.

Pro: Well, he symbolizes spring and renewal. Also, his name is easy to spell and pronounce as well as likes shiny things. Not to mention, his golden skin makes him not so bad looking for a flayed lord. Helped make the transition from winter to spring as well as guided young men into manhood. Said to cure sickness, especially eye ailments.

Con: He’s said to invent war and his sacrificial victims were killed in very nasty ways since he’s not just known as “The Flayed Lord” for nothing. Also depicted with wearing rotting human skin from a dead person.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as yellow and tan as well as wearing flayed skin and carrying a rattle staff. Sometimes seen carrying a shield and a container of seeds. Without his skin, he’s a golden god.

City: Tenochtitlan and Azcapotzalco. Had an annual festival on the Spring Equinox called Tlacaxipehualiztli.

Offerings: Well, victims were usually young men (soldiers, POWs, slaves, or thieves) who were forced to fight in a fixed gladiatorial match, had their hearts cut out of chests before being flayed with skin worn by warriors and priests, shot full of arrows like Boromir, had their throats slit, or were burned.

14. Coyolxauhqui

Coyolxauhqui was a powerful magician and head of the 400 Southern Stars. Yet, when her mother fell pregnant, she sought to kill but got dismembered and became the moon by a newborn Huitzilopochtli.

AKA: “Face Painted with Bells” and “Golden Bells”

Origin: She was probably an original Aztec goddess based on the story with her.

Domain:Goddess of the moon and leader of the Centzon Huitznauhtin. Possibly associated with the Milky Way.

Pro: She was a powerful magician and head of the 400 Southern Stars.

Con: Basically tried to murder her mom when she became pregnant with Huitzilopochtli (perhaps alleging that Coatlicue had been having an affair, which was punishable by death in Aztec society). Was dismembered and sent to the sky when Huitzilopochtli sprang from Coatlicue’s womb. Also, her name is a spelling bee nightmare.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted dismembered with a bells in her hair and skulls near her waist.

City: None as far as I know.

Offerings: I don’t think get gets any offerings or is even worshiped since she’s Huitzilopochtli’s adversary.

15. Metztli

Metztli the moon deity can be depicted either gender in the Aztec mythos but most contemporary artists have him/her as female. Still, I used Metzli for the moon deity since I couldn’t find a painting for Tecciztecatl and Metzli may be a female manifestation (or nickname) of the lunar deity.

AKA: “Queen of Night” and “Old Mother”

Origin: May have been worshiped in Mesoamerica by the Otomi people before being added to the Aztec pantheon.

Domain: God/Goddess of the moon, night, and farmers. She/he could either be the same deity as Yohualticetl, Coyolxauhqui, or Tecciztecatl or possibly a combination of the 3. Sometimes said to be a lowly god of worms.

Pro: At least his/her name is simple to spell. The Otomi believed he/she sacrificed him/herself so darkness would end.

Con: Though he/she wanted to become the sun but feared its fire. Also, unlike Tonatiuh. he/she failed to sacrifice, him/herself to become the sun turned into the moon instead with face darkened by a rabbit.

Symbols and Motifs: Well, can be depicted as a man or woman and is associated with rabbits, snails, and worms. Said to carry the moon on his/her seashell.

City: None outside the Otomi.

Offerings: Probably doesn’t get any offerings except from the Otomi who saw her as a much more benevolent figure.

16. Xolotl

Xolotl is the Aztec psychopomp and Quetzalcoatl’s brother who aided in his descent to Mictlan to steal the bones to create humanity. Still, despite his monstrous appearance, he’s actually quite friendly.

AKA: “The Twin”

Origin: Well, dog motifs have been seen a lot in Mesoamerican iconography so it would be no surprised if he predates the Aztecs in the region.

Domain: God of sunset, death, fire, lightning, sickness, darkness, bad luck, and deformities. Brother of Quetzalcoatl. Not a psychopomp in the Western sense but he did serve as the guide of the dead in their journey to Mictlan. The Mexican Hairless dog is named after him and so is the Mexican water salamander. Patron of the Mesoamerican ballgame. Dark personification of Venus the Evening Star.

Pro: Let’s just say he’s a lot nicer than his boss Mictlantecuhtli and his name is much easier to spell. He’s known to guard the sun when it goes into the Underworld at night as well as aid dead souls on their journey to Mictlan. He also assisted his brother Quetzalcoatl (though whether they’re twins or not depends on the story) in helping to create mankind at a considerable price.

Con: Still, if you were going for a dog headed psychopomp, he’d surely be beaten by Anubis in the looks department. Also constantly gets himself in trouble in which he gets scarred by his own lightning and beset by his own sickness. Not to mention, he may not be well liked by the gods in his own pantheon.

Symbols and Motifs: His forms are the Mexican Hairless dog and the water salamander. Usually depicted as an anthropomorphic Mexican Hairless with ragged ears and sometimes crippled. Sometimes portrayed as a skeleton or a monster animal with reversed feet.

City: None since he was the god of bad luck. Then again, he was the patron of the ball game. His festival was celebrated with a pole in August.

Offerings: Let me guess, he was usually honored with Mexican Hairless dog offerings. Not to mention, Aztec dead were usually buried with this dog for their 4 year journey to Mictlan. As for human sacrifices, I suppose he got a cut from the ball game though we’re not sure from which team.

17. Centeōtl

Centeōtl was one of the more important gods in the Aztec pantheon since he was the maize deity. Of course, despite being explicitly a man in Aztec myth (or sort of), he tends to be portrayed as a woman in contemporary art. This is one of the few paintings he isn’t and is wearing his corn headdress.

AKA: “Dried Maize Still on the Cob,” “Maize Cob Lord,” and “Dried Ear of Maize”

Origin: May have started as a Post Classic Mayan maize god before adopted by the Aztecs. Actually he may have been worshiped earlier than that, possibly by the Olmecs.

Domain: God of maize, sustenance, and agriculture. Son of Tlazolteotl and Piltzintecuhtli (sometimes Xochiquetzal). Husband of Chicomecōātl.

Pro: Well, he was a very important deity since maize was a staple Aztec crop. Also, was one of the few fertility gods who didn’t require people being sacrificed in his name.

Con: There’s not much known about him and he doesn’t appear in many myths. Not to mention, he didn’t introduce maize to humans (that honor would go to Quetzalcoatl).

Symbols and Motifs: Usually portrayed as a young man (though the jury’s still out and some artists show him as a woman) with a yellow body. Sometimes portrayed with a maize headdress. His symbol is maize, naturally.

City: Had a maize planting festival in February sometimes consisting of naked women dancing and massive fights would break out.

Offerings: Usually had maize offerings to him as well as human sacrifice through bloodletting rituals.

18. Coatlicue

Coatlicue was a mother goddess best known to have Huitzilopochtli conceived through a ball of feathers to her other children’s chagrin. Though seen as a loving mother, she tends to consume everything that lives explaining her hideous choice of fashion.

AKA: “One with Serpent Skirt,” “The Mother of Gods,” “Goddess of Fire and Fertility, “Goddess of Life, Death and Rebirth”, and “Mother of the Southern Stars.”

Origin: She’s an original goddess in the Aztec pantheon since she’s usually listed as Huitzilopochtli’s mother.

Domain: Goddess of fertility, life, death, and rebirth. Patron of women who die in childbirth. Mother of the Southern Stars, Coyolxauhqui, and Huitzilopochtli (sometimes Quetzalcoatl and Xolotl). Associated with earth, fire, agriculture, governance, and warfare. Possibly inspired the image of Our Lady of Guadelupe after the Spanish Conquest as a Mexican figure.

Pro: Well, she was one of the few of Huitzilopochtli who wasn’t killed by him (or he actually cared about). Said to sacrifice herself in the beginning of present creation in some stories. Usually seen as a loving mother who told her son to make Coyolxauhqui the moon so she could see her every night.

Con: Let’s just say she had a hard time to explain herself when she got impregnated with Huitzilopochtli via a ball of feathers while sweeping a temple. She’s also an insatiable monster consuming everything that lives and a rather fearsome figure in Aztec art. Said to consume and rip human corpses.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman with a snake skirt and a necklace made of human hearts, hands, and skulls. Her hands are typically covered in claws and exhibits hanging breasts. Sometimes portrayed as a ferocious ugly monster.

City: Mount Coatepec but has a statue in Tenochtitlan.

Offerings: Sacrificial victims to her were usually bludgeoned to death, decapitated, and had their hearts ripped out.

19. Chicomecōātl

Chicomecōātl is the goddess of agriculture who presides over maize growth and harvest. Still, every September she does request for a young girl sacrificed as a thank you gift.

AKA: “Seven Snakes” “Princess of the Unripe Maize,” and “The Hairy One”

Origin: She may have been a Mayan maize goddess but we’re not exactly sure.

Domain: Goddess of agriculture, nourishment, and plenty during the Middle Culture period and wife of Centeōtl (sometimes Tezcatlipoca). Associated with energy, community, and strength. Presides over maize during the harvest.

Pro: Well, being the goddess of maize so she probably has an important job in the Aztec pantheon. Not to mention, her association with snakes is a rather positive one for the often vilified reptiles (since snakes tended to eat pests).

Con: We don’t know much about her other than being a maize goddess. Some say that she may the same deity as Centeōtl (though with the dual natures thing her presence may make more sense). Also demands a young girl sacrificed every September.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman and her symbol was an ear of corn. Can be sometimes portrayed carrying corn, flowers, death, or the sun as a shield. Also associated with snakes.

City: Had a festival every September. Also tends to share festivals with her husband Centeōtl.

Offerings: Had a young girl representing her sacrificed every September. Her skin would be flayed and worn by a priest.

20. Ītzpāpālōtl

Itzpapalotl is the goddess of flint knives associated with darkness and death. Though her home may be a paradise for dead babies, she’s a rather vicious goddess who’s reputedly queen of the notorious Tzitzimitl.

AKA: “Obsidian Butterfly” “Bat Woman,” “Feminine Warrior,” “Dark Mother,” and “Clawed Butterfly”

Origin: She may have originated as the Goddess 2J from the Zapotec iconography.

Domain: Goddess of stone and flint knives and ruler of Tamoanchan, a paradise for dead babies and where humans were created. Associated with bats, birds, night, deaths, disasters, human sacrifice, war, and fire. Occasionally said to be the mother of Mixcoatl and sometimes the wife of Quetzalcoatl (in his Ehecatl manifestation). Patron of mothers who died in childbirth and dead infants. Said to stand for purification and rejuvenation of what is precious. Could possibly be the Queen of the Tzitzimitl.

Pro: Her abode is an earthly paradise for dead babies. Also seen as a warrior princess figure who has an invisibility cloak. Also said to be a Cihuateteo who may guide soldiers in battle as well as a Tzitzimitl known to protect women. Not to mention, she’s said to know how to dress.

Con: She’s also said to be one of the star demons, Tzitzimitl who are said to descend and eat people during a solar eclipse and attack young men at crossroads. And as a Cihuateteo, she may be said to kidnap children, cause sickness, and seduce men into sexual misbehavior. Once reputed to break the limbs of a sacred tree in paradise causing everything to wither and said to cause storms and drought. Said to be involved in the creation of Aztec booze and isn’t very pleasant at all. Could be seen as a beautiful seductive man eater in both sexual and gastronomical aspects.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a beautiful pale woman in black but sometimes portrayed as a bat, a two headed deer, or skeleton with butterfly knife blade wings and jaguar claws. Associated with flint, eagles, bats, butterflies, knives, obsidian, vultures, and black.

City: None.

Offerings: I’m sure she had humans sacrificed to her because she’s the goddess of flint and knives used to perform them, especially during a solar eclipse.

21. Cihuacoatl

Cihuacoatl was the Aztec goddess who presided over battles and childbirth as well head of the Cihuateteo. However, she's also known to abandon her son Mixcoatl and later regret it as a possibly inspiration for La Lllorona.

Cihuacoatl was the Aztec goddess who presided over battles and childbirth as well head of the Cihuateteo and helped Quetzalcoatl create humanity. However, she’s also known to abandon her son Mixcoatl and later regret it as a possibly inspiration for La Lllorona.

AKA: “Snake Woman”

Origin: She may have been a Toltec goddess before being adopted in the Aztec pantheon.

Domain: Goddess of motherhood, fertility, midwives, and sweat baths. Patroness of Culhuacan and protectoress of the Chalmeca people. Sometimes mother of Mixcoatl and linked with La Llorona. Patroness of women who died in childbirth and queen of the Cihuateteo.

Pro: Helped Quetzalcoatl create the current race of humanity by grinding the bones of the previous ones. Said to predict disasters as well as presided over births and battles.

Con: Said to abandon her son Mixcoatl at a crossroads at Lake Xochimilco and was said to weep for him only to find a sacrificial knife. Was also known to haunt crossroads at night and abduct children, cause sickness, and seduce men.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as an old woman carrying spears and a warrior’s shield though sometimes portrayed as a young woman carrying flowers or a skeleton. Associated with maize, brooms, and snakes.

City: Culhuacan, Tenochtitlan, and Lake Xochimilco.

Offerings: Human sacrifice victims were women offered to her usually had their hearts ripped from chests and were beheaded.

22. Mixcoatl

Mixcoatl is the god of the hunt who created fire with a clever cosmic feat of engineering that has never been repeated. However, his family tree is a real tangled mess.

AKA: “Deer Sandal” and “Cloud Serpent”

Origin: Patron deity of the Otomi and Chichimecs as well as other Mesoamerican cultures. May have originally been a Toltec warrior who was deified or possibly a Mixtec god.

Domain: God of war, the Milky Way, fire, stars, heavens, North Star, and the hunt. Sometimes a manifestation of Tezcatlipoca or Xipe Totec, son of Cihuacoatl or Ītzpāpālōtl

Pro: Name is easy to spell. Said to create fire for the Aztec people with a clever bit of cosmic engineering no one has managed to duplicate called the Cosmic Fire Drill.

Con: Said to have killed 400 of this Northern Stars siblings and his sister with 3 of his brothers. Did nothing to prevent his 400 Southern Star sons with from being killed (though that might’ve been out of not wanting to mess with Huitzilopochtli). As Quetzalcoatl’s father, he was killed by his 3 brothers. Oh, and how he knocked up Chimalma involved shooting an arrow between her legs while she was naked and consent appeared questionable. Not to mention, his manifestations and relations are relatively confusing so you might want to avoid doing his family tree.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted in a black mask with candy cane stripes on his body and long hair. Equipped with a bow and arrow as well as a net or basket.

City: Had a festival in October. Also worshiped in Huejotzingo and Tlaxcala.

Offerings: Well, his honoring had hunters bleed themselves, offer their game during his festival, and have someone sacrificed in his temple.

23. Chimalma

Though Chimalma is best known for guiding the Aztecs from Aztlan, being Huitzilopochtli’s shield bearer, and mother of Quetzelcoatl, she’s little known for much else. Still, she either conceived the Feathered Serpent through swallowing a jade or sleeping with Mixcoatl after he shot an arrow between her legs.

AKA: “Shield Hand”

Origin: She may have been a Toltec goddess or a deity of the Chichimeca.

Domain: Goddess of fertility, life, death, and rebirth. Best known as the mother of Quetzalcoatl (though stories of his conception are a bit crazy).

Pro: Accompanied the Aztecs from their homeland of Atzlan as well as served as shield bearer to Huitzilopochtli.

Con: There’s not much about her and she’s really not known for much else besides being the mother to Quetzalcoatl.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman. Her symbols are an arrow, shield, and jade.

City: None.

Offerings: I’m not sure she had any offerings.

24. Toci

Toci was the goddess of cleanliness, health, and midwives. Still, on her special time, a woman would be sacrificed by being beheaded and flayed.

AKA: “Our Grandmother,” “Mother of the Gods,” “Woman of Discord,” and “Heart of the Earth”

Origin: She’s most likely an original Aztec deity as far as I could tell.

Domain: Goddess of healing, sweat baths, hygiene, and midwives. May be an aspect of Tlazolteotl. Was once a princess of Culhuacan before she was ordered to be flayed and sacrificed instead of offered in marriage to an Aztec nobleman, thanks to Huitzilopochtli. Associated with war.

Pro: Name is easy to spell and pronounce. Also, she’s a healer who emphasizes hygiene and cleanliness.

Con: Let’s just say she has a demand for women to be sacrificed in her honor and not screaming, despite going through the process herself.

Symbols and Motifs: Usually depicted as a woman with cotton spools on her headdress and a black mark on her cheek. Though said to be old she’s not usually portrayed as such. Her symbol is a broom, shield, and arrows.

City: Ochpaniztli was her festival time that precipitated a sweeping frenzy.

Offerings: In her honor, a woman was either beheaded or had her heart cut out then flayed. Usually she’d be lured through a deception that she was about to see the ruler.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 1, 2014

While there are certain cards that you can send to your loved ones on the holidays, you can look at postcards all year round. Despite that my last vintage postcard post wasn’t as popular as the ones on vintage Christmas cards or valentines, many of these are quite unforgettable in their own right. But if you’ve enjoyed them, there’s still plenty more of them to see that you wouldn’t have written on to send to your mother. Still, you wouldn’t believe the kinds of bad vintage postcards there are out there. So if you’re tired of seeing those tacky postcards from my previous post, then I have a treat for you. So without further adieu, here are some more tacky vintage postcards for your pleasure.

1. So after God created practically everything known in the natural world, he created Texas. Good God.

Of course, everything is bigger in Texas, even egos and religiosity. Seriously, if Texans knew that the Last Supper took place where they live, they would’ve undoubtedly boast about it like there’s no tomorrow.

2. Sorry, I can’t understand German so I’m not sure why the guy has a torture device around his neck in the shape of a horse.

Still, you have to respect the creativity in how people in the Middle Ages used to torture people. Yet, that guy will certainly be in a lot of pain after he goes through it and if he survives.

3. Greetings from the Little Traverse Hospital and Burns Clinic!

Or the place where Bobby was sent after being caught in that house fire that looks like where you went to high school. Seriously, this resembles a AAAA high school where all the preppie kids went to.

4. For Valentine’s Day, why don’t you send your sweetheart one of a couple on love’s wings.

Of course, this is the perfect valentine to send to your girlfriend if she greatly enjoys the Terry Gilliam animations from Monty Python. Also, is that a feather winged polar bear?

5. Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving, except for the turkey that I’m going to shoot at.

Yeah, because nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” than a turkey’s inevitable demise to the receiving end of a Pilgrim’s blunderbuss.

6. Christmas Geetings from Chicken’s Rock, Lighthouse, and Sound. J. O. M.

You'd think a place named Chicken may have more interesting scenery but this doesn't seem to. Also, seems kind of dreary and desolate that no one seems to have a Merry Christmas down there.

Apparently the people of Chicken’s Rock don’t seem to be having a Merry Christmas this year as seen by the landscape of despair and desolation that would make someone with Seasonal Affective Disorder want to jump off and drown themselves.

7. This is either a cute little postcard or a scene of workplace miscreants.

Then again, I'm not sure why her rag is up her skirt or why it's doing there. Seriously, why the hell is it there?

Then again, I’m not sure why her rag is up her skirt or why it’s doing there. Oh, that’s her leg isn’t it? Still, it’s kind of sexually suggestive if you know what I mean.

8. A man’s love is like a firecracker sometimes it pops and sometimes it only fizzles.

Note the phallic imagery with a firecracker and I’m not sure if this postcard is referring to a man’s love as it is about a man’s sexuality. Still, if a man’s “love” fizzles we may have Viagra for that but men, you might want to consult your doctor first.

9. Of course, there are postcards for everything, even celebrating the birth of Nazi babies.

On the back it says, “May your new bundle of joy become a faithful servant of the master race. Heil Hitler!” Of course, what do you expect from a postcard with a Nazi swastika that now denotes anti-Semitism and white supremacy?

10. So, fellas, if the other team’s punter is a woman, just go right up to kiss her.

Of course, if Charlie Brown did this with Lucy more often, then maybe she would’ve let him kick the football. Then again, she’s into Schroeder so that might be sexual harassment at that point.

11. See if you have the perfect woman, according to the language of the Car Talk guys or your local mechanic.

Then again, maybe comparing women to cars isn’t a good idea. Also, many guys would say the same about their actual cars. Still, this postcard is pretty sexist especially with the boxes containing “twin exhausts” and “power steering.”

12. Hey, I didn’t know they had ball deodorant in those days. Didn’t know men need them.

Oh, I meant the kind of deodorant where it’s applied with a ball. Still, anyone who’s old enough knows the joke on this one is. Sorry, boys, but your grandfather joked about balls as well.

13. Vacations make strange seat fellows in some circumstances.

Wonder what their history is and why is she on the guy’s lap if she’s not his wife? Then again, the guy may be lying about not knowing her.

14. Greetings from Coney Island, where you can get red hot frankfurters, sauerkraut, and dog shit on the waiter?

Man, did it suck to be a black guy in those days. Even the dog waiter is being treated better than he is. Also, I hope it’s ground meat and not something I think it is.

15. Greetings from the Damm family from their family camper for they’re having a wonderful time.

Still, I wonder what happened to their son Amster Damm. Nobody seems to hear about him despite the song. Also, I’m sure May B. is becoming kind of a flapper.

16. I have a bad feeling about a sheep between the man’s legs.

Let’s just hope it’s just some idiot who wants to ride one. Seriously, I have a bad feeling about this postcard, which suggests something depraved.

17. Of course, when dogs gotta go, they gotta go.

Still, if these dogs need to pee, then why the hell are they waiting to use the tree. I mean when a dog has to relieve itself outside, it just does it, no ifs, ands, or buts. Besides, they also use fire hydrants.

18. Amish people sure do love Intercourse, PA, which was named after an old tavern stand.

Of course, I’m sure the town of Intercourse sells a lot of merchandise. Yet, I’m positive it’s not because people like their Amish country. May have more to do with the fact the town has an unintentionally dirty name. Yes, there’s a real town called Intercourse, look it up.

19. Performance Art: Creating the stuff of nightmares since your grandparents’ generation.

I’m sure any adolescent boy who views this is just going to be terrified out of his mind, instead of titillated. Then again, he may be both.

20. Of course, you’re never too young to start smoking.

Still, what people may find cute one generation, others may find disturbing during the next. This boy is sure going to have his whole life ahead of him with his lungs full of tar.

21. Hey, I didn’t know James Cagney played Thomas Jefferson. Oh, wait, he didn’t.

Still, this reminds me more of a 18th century Jimmy Cagney about to sing “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” than the sage at Monticello. Nevertheless, this is a terrible wax representation of an American Founding Father.

22. Never have I seen a bunch of ladies this bored at a whiskey festival.

"Hey, cheer up, Gladys, with all this booze, you may get lucky tonight. Then again, you might end up on a list of sex offenders."

“Hey, cheer up, Gladys, with all this booze, this could be your lucky night. When a guy is loaded, he thinks any girl is attractive. Trust me, that’s how I met my husband in Vegas.”

23. Just another day at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy hunting lodge.

I’m sure it wouldn’t be that fun to pose with these bears if they weren’t shot and mounted as hunting trophies first. Still, I’m sure you couldn’t get away with these photo ops nowadays or PETA would be all over your ass.

24. At least being a member of Starfleet has its perks such as having the crew go on shore leave at lovely snow planet ski resort and spa.

Still, knowing that these skiers are wearing red shirts, I have a good feeling that neither of these ladies will ever see them again. We all know what happens to redshirts during these planet scenes. Also, why are those women wearing swimsuits indoors?

25. Now before you go on your hunting trip in the Alps, here are some German words you need to know.

I’m sure that clock is just an antique that only Dick Cheney could love. Still, the “Schnitzelbank” reminds me of an Animaniacs sketch for some reason.

26. See the bikini beauties from Hampton, Iowa?

Let’s just say that if you live in a town that’s desperate for tourists, putting a beautiful bikini clad model on the local postcard will sure solve everything. Yeah, right.

27. Flatten your tummy by as much as 4 inches instantly with a Compresso belt for just $3.98. Over 1 million satisfied customers.

Or as we know these undergarments, “spanx.” I’m sure we didn’t call them by that name in those days but spanx have been around for so many generations. And your grandma wore them a lot more often than you’ll ever have.

28. No cowboy could ever round up them little doagies without his trusty giant Jackalope.

The back of this postcard says, “This rare species of Jackalope used in cattle roundups are very dependable and easily trained. A breed of Antelope and Jackrabbit. their cries often sound human and tuneful, probably form hearing cowboy songs at roundup time.” I’m sure this is totally not bullshit (it is since rabbits can’t be that huge).

29. Aww, see Jesus with those dear little children come unto him.

With wax children this creepy, I can see why Jesus’ apostles were rather concerned about them. Still, those kiddies don’t seem completely innocent to me. I just wish Jesus could just get the hell out of there before those tykes try to murder him.

30. Here is Miss Perma-Vend awing at this handy plastic sealing doohicky. I don’t know what the hell this is.

Oh, it’s a laminator for certain items you don’t want to get wet. Still, Miss Perma-Vend seems to really be excited about this for some unknown reason.

31. Go to the Bible museum and see Salome’s dance of the seven veils.

And I thought these Christian museum places were supposed to be family friendly venues. Still, I’m sure Salome’s dance didn’t go quite like this, as far as the Gospel writers had in mind.

32. Please don’t pick the flowers off this woman.

Yet, by the look at her face, she sort of wants you to, if you know what I mean. Either that, or the flower stems in her nipples must be very painful.

33. The visible woman bares all for everyone to see.

For God’s sake that’s going to far and she really needs to cover up. Maybe she should just change into skin. Then again, this image was probably made for scientific purposes.

34. See, kiddies, cotton picking is fun. Really, look at how happy this little tyke is picking cotton.

Of course, we have to understand that cotton picking is not fun and it can result in a lot of cuts and scrapes if you do it long enough. Otherwise, Southerners wouldn’t have made slaves do it (and we fought a whole war over slavery). Not only that, but cotton is now picked by machinery.

35. The three bares say hello from the beach.

I know this is just a drawing for laughs but seriously? I don’t think a postcard with young girls’ bare butts is in any way appropriate. Still, they’ll soon have their tushies wracked with sunburns and splinters before long.

36. See the deranged sea horse fountain at the Dadeland Mall in Florida.

I’m sure this horse seems harmless. Yeah, it appears inflicted with some kind of Mad Horse disease from the Gulf of Mexico. Still, why have that at a mall fountain, I have no idea.

37. For young people, ping pong has always been a wholesome and leisurely activity, even to watch.

I'm sure these people are bored stiff watching this and are waiting this photo op to be over so they could bring in the beer. I mean we've all been to college.

I’m sure these people are bored stiff watching this and are waiting this photo op to be over so they could bring in the beer. Let’s just say that it would basically lighten the mood in this joint.

38. On this edition of Stupid Pet Tricks we have two poodles named Twinkle Star and Super Star performing a rendition of their own, “That’s Why the Lady Is a Tramp.”

Perhaps this is the postcard that inspired David Letterman to do his Stupid Pet Tricks segment on late night TV. Still, Super Star may be “a celebrity that blows his own trumpet.”

39. Ladies and gentlemen, may introduce Paul Bunyan: Lumberjack and axe murderer.

I’m sure Paul Bunyan is determined to take his suppressed rage to the world since his dad hated it when he put on women’s clothing and hanged around in bars.

40. Out of all the Christian postcards I’ve seen, at least this one makes a valid point about the nuclear arms race.

Nevertheless, while the prayer may be rather thought provoking, this postcard is hard to take seriously with a tacky Jesus statue and a guy who resembles Bill Murray dressed as Colonel Sanders.

41. Of course, this bikini beauty seems to use flowers to cover her boobs.

Once again, having those flowers on can’t be good for the nipples. Then again, maybe they’re taped. Still, I can’t believe they could get away with this in those days.

42. Sorry, I’m afraid Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Charming couldn’t come to save her from a long slumber so he sent his younger brother Ed to do the honor.

While Prince Ed wasn't a bad guy, he was not exactly charming to say the least. In fact, he was known to have a genetic disorder that resulted in an abnormally tall head.

While Prince Ed wasn’t a bad guy, he was not exactly charming to say the least. In fact, he was known to have a genetic disorder that resulted in a freakishly tall head.

43. This chimp seems to be having more fun than a barrel of people.

Then again, whenever I’ve seen people in barrels on TV it’s more or less to say that they’ve been robbed of everything including the shirt on their backs. That, and possibly murdered. Still, chimps must use big barrels or something.

44. Come to our South of the Border restaurant and see our statue depicting negative Mexican stereotypes.

I’m sure actual Mexicans visiting this restaurant would be sincerely offended if the joint is owned by a white guy and the food available is about as Mexican as the stuff at Taco Bell.

45. Hey, I didn’t know they had Hairspray back in the day.

Oh, I forgot, Hairspray is musical made not to long ago adapted from 1980s movie. Still, I’m sure nobody would want to send their parents a postcard depicting something like this.

46. Florida is a great place to have a picnic, underwater.

Here is one lady feeding some scraps to the fishies. Fishies seem to like lettuce. Still, the food must be very soggy to eat in that tank but at least she has a device to breathe through. Yet, I don’t know how she keeps her hair nice like that.

47. See flipper jump through a burning ring of fire.

I’m sure PETA is going to be very upset at me for posting this. Still, even if it exhibits animal cruelty, it looks pretty awesome.

48. Now here’s a black bear scavenging for food in its natural habitat, kids, so don’t feed it.

I bet any money that the bear is either going for whatever’s in the trash can or to the kids watching it. Then again, there’s the person taking the picture.

49. Here is a wax reenactment of Leif Ericson landing in North America.

Actually that Viking display looks more Minnesota Vikings or Wagner opera than actual Vikings. I mean the Vikings didn’t wear horned helmets since that would be stupid. Still, at least they got Leif’s hair color right for his dad was Eric the Red.

50. You know who loves Lawrence Welk? Bitches love Lawrence Welk.

I’m sure your parents all liked watching the Lawrence Welk Show than they were kids. Then again, they probably thought watching that show was more painful than having to go through a root canal.

51. Now here is a statue of Adolph the dolphin.

Actually when I hear the name “Adolph,” I don’t think of an adorable dolphin. Rather I think of a German dictator who killed a bunch of people in concentration camps and started a major world war. Also, the dolphin kind of looks pretty mean.

52. While you see Florida beaches as a vacation spot, alligators see them as an all you can eat buffet.

Wait a minute, alligators don’t live in saltwater environments. They live in freshwater swamps like the Everglades. Then again, only in Florida.

53. Please pray for the Nelsons in Ghana.

And dear Lord, please give them the strength and courage to overcome their ghastly fashion sense. I mean it’s nice for them to go with traditional dress but a brown and yellow color scheme? Dear God!

54. Dig those Los Angeles Freeways.

Because of Los Angeles reputation for congested traffic, you’ll be on them for a very long time. Seriously, you don’t want to be stuck in an LA traffic jam.

55. Sorry not to see you in Sunday school so come next time, or we’ll murder you.

I know this is supposed to be a more uplifting and welcoming message on this postcard. Yet, seeing these creepily drawn kids, urging you to go to Sunday school seems more of a threat.

56. Greetings, from that sleazy motel where your father’s staying after he left your mother for his cheap ass secretary Karen.

I know this is more of a bungalow vacation spot for travelers. Yet, the hot pink walls and that neon sign give it the kind of “no-tell, motel” vibe that makes it seem like a place for hookers or adultery.

57. Now introducing the Martha Stewart rotary dial telephones available in eight different colors.

Of course, you know that this postcard is vintage when you see rotary dial telephones in them. Still, this woman seems so happy that she wants them all despite none of them matching her dress.

58. Men, make sure to wear a Botany 500 suit for your next one night stand.

I’m sure “come on strong” and “go all the way” don’t seem to be taken out of context especially since he’s seems to be with a woman in a residential setting. And they seem to be making eye contact as if they’re about to do it. And they say hookup culture only took place in my generation. Hell, this has to be from the 1970s at the earliest.

59. The Invisible Woman goes back home to her family in Texas.

I’m sure the Invisible woman isn’t showing herself wearing her new cowboy shirt in this due to her embarrassment to be photographed with her old man in what almost resembles blue pajamas.

60. Watermelon always taste great underwater.

Of course, when she’s on dry land, it’s going to be a pain in the ass to get all the seeds out of her hair. Still, she seems to be greatly enjoying herself.

61. Who knew that you can go hang gliding and water skiing at the same time?

Remember kids, this man may make gliding through space on a giant kite while on water skis seem awesome but you should never try this at home ever. Still, at least he’s not wearing a speedo.

62. Now this dog seems to be all dressed up and ready to go.

I’m sure this dog is now shirking in embarrassment for having to pose for this postcard in this idiotic outfit. I mean, people won’t even dress their kids up this way, let alone a dog. Also, dogs have fur so they don’t need clothes.

63. Greetings, from the City of Rocks.

The Lord Almighty sure does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? Still, I wonder if anyone noticed what that rock formation looks like before taking the photo for a postcard. Then again, this card sure won’t make your visit unforgettable.

64. All a girl needs is her enormous beach ball and her trampoline.

I’m sure her trampoline must be enormous to have her jump that high into the sky. Then again, it’s probably photoshop.

65. Looks like this guy has a knack for shooting mink and foxes for fur coats.

PETA is going to be so angry with me after I do this post. Still, I hope those are mink and not foxes because white mink are domesticated.

66. “Hey, kids, looks like we need to eat and we’re out of gas, which way should we go?”

Still, I’m sure there are plenty of rest stops that service both food and fuel. And even in plazas where there’s a restaurant, a gas station is not far behind.

67. Come spend a week in paradise at the North Pole Motel.

I’m sure you’re not going to see Santa in these parts. Of course, he may go there for vacation in January after delivering presents to all those kids during the holidays.

68. Aww, look at that cute chimp in the, why wait a second? I don’t think the Indians will be too thrilled about this little ape mocking their traditions.

Let’s just hope this little ape isn’t a mascot for some college sports team with an Indian mascot. Still, at least it’s not in African dress, which would’ve been more offensive.

69. Well, when I don’t put in a blog post for a few days, I kind of feel the same way.

Of course, I’m sure this perhaps one of the few postcards I’ve shown in which the bare butt display is intentional. Still, that baby doesn’t seem up to no good.

70. If you’re the parish priest, why don’t you celebrate Mass with style wearing these top of the line vestments in the latest fashions?

I’m sure we really need a postcard for this? Seriously, ads for priestly vestments? The monks at Saint Vincent College would sure get a kick out of this.

Greek Mythology Reexamined: Minor Deities, Protogenoi, and Titans

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 30, 2014

While I basically covered all the major Ancient Greek gods months ago like in January, the Ancient Greek pantheon is among the most diverse with hundreds of gods and goddesses. And according to Greek mythology the famous gods we all know and love on Mount Olympus aren’t even the original generation. You have the Protogenoi who were created in the beginning by a god known as Chaos which is just a primordial void through which most things came into existence. Those gods who originated from Khaos were among the first as with the Greek mythological narrative. The Titans consisted of a couple classes of gods. The first generation of Titans were the second generation of Greek deities to rule the world after Cronus chopped off his dad Uranus’ genitalia in order to release his siblings (I’m not making this up). Of course, this group of Titans’ rule didn’t last since Cronus would swallow his children with the exception of one (Zeus) who basically had his dad regurgitate them and a stone decoy. The first generation of Titans would be overthrown by Zeus and the Olympians and sent to Tartarus. The second generation of Titans consist of a class of gods who were the offspring of the first generation, other than Cronus and Rhea. And then you have a group of minor deities who could be characters in the Greek myths or the anthropomorphic personification of some concept. Still, since these are large classes of deities I’m dealing with, I’ll only go over some of the most important which aren’t part of any ensemble. So without further adieu, if you’re stuck in the Greek mythological world, here are some things you need to know about the common minor figures.

1. Gaia

Sure she may be Greek Mythology’s Mother Nature herself, but she’s one nasty bitch who couldn’t care less about how many trees you cut down or oceans you pollute. All that concerned her was what was causing her pain or filling her bowels at the moment as well as those who worshiped her.

AKA: Gaea, Terra Mater, Tellus, Mother Earth, Mother Nature

Type: Protogenoi

Domain:The primal Greek goddess of the earth and great mother to all such as the Earth and all the Universe, the heavenly gods, the Titans, and giants.

Pro: Well, she’s very powerful and not someone even Zeus wouldn’t mess with. Also, very much loved by Neopagans and rewarded those who worshiped her. Really cared about her followers so perhaps Neopagans are rather safe to benefit her if she ever causes an apocalypse.

Con: Despite being Mother Nature, she’s not much of a benevolent figure as the true force of Nature. She seemed to care for little else so long as they weren’t filling her bowels or causing her pain. Couldn’t care how many trees you cut down or oceans you pollute. Also spawned several monsters to kill the ruling gods whether it be Uranus or Zeus. Not to mention, she prefers to spawn minor demonic monsters to do her dirty work. Still, we’re not sure whether she cared for her offspring or just wanted them out of her. Also bore a lot of children with her own kids (like Uranus) and descendants.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: Earth.

2. Uranus

Yes, his name may inspire shits and giggles since it reminds many of somebody’s butt hole. Yet, Uranus basically lived up to his name as a literal divine primordial asshole who imprisoned his own kids he thought were ugly. Serves him right to have his nuts cut off by Cronus.

AKA: Ouranus, Caelus

Type: Protogenoi

Domain: The primal sky god and father of the giants, cyclops, Hecatonchires, and the first generation Titans.

Pro: Well, he was right about what would happen to Cronus, even if he made that prophecy out of spite.

Con: He was a cruel and evil tyrant and abusive dad who imprisoned his children in Tartarus (or Gaia’s womb) because of their bizarre appearances. This led to Gaia to shape a great flint sickle blade and asked her sons to castrate him. Only Cronus was willing to do the honor. The drops from his blood became the avenging Furies and in some stories, his genitals would become mixed in the ocean’s foam and create Aphrodite. Not to mention, he’s Gaia’s also son alongside being her consort. Also, his name has basically become the butt of inappropriate jokes related to butts. Then again, he was a literal asshole in Greek mythology so the name fits.

Patron City: None for there was no cult addressing him that had survived into Classical times.

Symbols: sky and sphere usually carried by Atlas

3. Nyx

Nyx was the Greek primordial goddess of night known for her exceptional power and beauty. Still, she’s so protective of her many children (unpleasant or not) that not even Zeus wants to risk taking her on.

AKA: Nox

Type: Protogenoi

Domain: Primal goddess of the night and mother of many deities with her brother Erebus.

Pro: Often portrayed as someone with exceptional power and beauty. Also, she’s seen as a decent mom that you don’t want to mess with her. Not only that, but even Zeus is afraid of her that he allowed her son Hypnos escape which caused a lot of misfortune to Hercules.

Con: She’s kind of a shadowy figure and rather unpredictable. Doesn’t appear much and only ever seen in glimpses and her appearances are sparse in the surviving mythology. Not only that, but a lot of her kids are personified deities that represent things that aren’t so nice like death, old age, doom, and others. Said to live on Tartarus and bore a lot of her kids with her brother.

Patron City: Megara where she had an oracle according to the geographer Pausanias.

Symbols: black cloth representing the cover of night

4. Cronus

Cronus may be seen as a god of time and patron of the harvest. Yet, he’s one mean son of a bitch who basically castrated his dad (justifiably though), disrespected his mom Gaia’s wish to free his siblings, and ate his kids (save for Zeus). There’s a good reason why Zeus overthrew his Titan dad as king of the gods.

AKA: Saturn, Cronos

Type: First generation Titan

Domain: Youngest and leader of the first generation of Titans as well as a god of agriculture and fertility. Patron of the harvest. In Roman mythology, he’s the god of time (though Saturn might’ve started out as a completely separate deity before being merged into Cronus.)

Pro: In some myths, he’s said to have brought a golden age of to Man which ended in Zeus’ reign. Still, had a good reason to castrate and overthrow his dad Uranus.

Con: Let’s see, castrated his dad, turned his back on his imprisoned siblings (as well as disrespected his mom Gaia’s wish to free them), probably raped his wife Rhea (who was also his sister), and even devoured his newborn children (except for Zeus who made him vomit his siblings out). Let’s just say he didn’t turn out much better than his dad or perhaps worse.

Patron City: None, but he did have his own festival in Athens called Kronia. Of course, the Romans viewed him more positively and had at least one temple to him as well as a festival called Saturnalia (which doesn’t have a lot in common in Christmas though both holidays share a few customs).

Symbols: hourglass, sickle, scythe, and harpe

5. Oceanus

Before there was Poseidon, there was Oceanus who ruled the waves. Still, not taking sides in the war between the Titans and Olympians and the overthrowing of Uranus explains why he avoided Tartarus. Still, he’s the one with a serpentine tail and horns.

AKA: Ocean

Type: First generation Titan but might’ve started as a Protogenoi.

Domain: Said to be the original ruler of Olympus before Cronus cast him into the sea. Ruled over the sea during the Titanomarchy and regulated the rising and setting of heavenly bodies, which the Greeks believed to have emerged and descended into his watery realms at the ends of the earth. Also said to be the father of rivers and streams as well as the ocean nymphs. Not to mention, had a bunch of kids with his sister Tethys.

Pro: Didn’t take sides in things like the Titanomarchy or overthrowing his father Uranus, which was the reason why he probably stuck around. Waterways were said to originate from his own tears.

Con: Doesn’t appear much in myth other than in the story of Hercules and the sun bowl or the wedding between Thetis and Peleus.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: ocean waves

6. Selene

Selene is the goddess of the moon who drives a chariot across the night sky. Unfortunately, she’s also known for her obsession with Endymion and was said to have born 50 daughters by him after he was put into eternal sleep. Yeah, you can guess the disturbing unfortunate implications there.

AKA: Luna, Phoebe, Cynthia

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: Goddess of the moon who drove a moon chariot across the heavens.

Pro: She’s said to take on the dreaded monster Typhon which is said to be why the moon has craters. Doesn’t have a lot of lovers unlike a lot of gods in this pantheon (I’m talking to you Zeus).

Con: Unfortunately, her best known story has her obsessed with the handsome mortal Endymion who was put into eternal sleep in a cave on Mount Latmus. Didn’t stop her from visiting him or in some stories making out with or bearing 50 daughters to him which kind of puts her up there with Zeus as one of the rapiest gods of the Greek pantheon. Let’s just say that her relationship with Endymion is very unhealthy.

Patron City: Well, she’s said to have had an oracular sanctuary near Thalamai in Laconia as well as Elis and perhaps had a festival in Athens called the Pandia. Yet, other than possible moon cults in Minoan Crete, the role of the moon itself in magic, folklore, and poetry, and the later worship of the Phrygian moon-god men, there was relatively little worship of her as a goddess.

Symbols: crescent, raised cloak, bull, rooster, dog, torch, and the moon, naturally.

7. Helios

Helios is best known as the god of the sun who drives a chariot of fiery horses. Still, while he’s capable of violent strength, he’s sometimes unable to defend himself such as the time when Odysseus men killed his sacred cattle. Still, letting his son drive his chariot was a bad idea.

AKA: Sol, Phoebus

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: God of the sun who drove a chariot of fiery steeds across the sky.

Pro: Helped Hercules complete the labor of Erytheia to retrieve Greyon’s cattle by lending him his giant cup. Still, he’s usually nice unless he’s pissed off. Also, whether Demeter liked it or not, he was right about Hades being perfect for Persephone.

Con: Let’s just say despite that he’s capable of violent strength on multiple occasions, he’s often depicted as weak and incapable of fighting for himself. Also, when Odysseus’ men slay his sacred cattle, he told Zeus, “Either you kill these guys or else I’m going to the Underworld.” This results in Odysseus being stranded on Thrinacia as well as losing his ship and crew. Doesn’t help that his daughters on that island were witches with “evil eye” power derived from himself (with Circe being the most famous of his). Also, let his son Phaeton drive his chariot, which didn’t end well.

Patron City: Rhodes where there was once a giant statue of him which was one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. The island city also held gymnastics tournaments in his honor. Also had a significant following cult in Corinth.

Symbols: chariot with flaming horses and the sun, of course.

8. Eos

Eos is the goddess of dawn who either opens the gates for her brother Helios or harnesses his horses just before he goes out. Also known for kidnapping a series of young men after being cursed with insatiable lust after her affair with Ares. Also, her laying her son Memnon on her lap might’ve inspired the Pieta.

AKA: Aurora

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: Goddess of dawn who either opens the gates for her brother Helios or harnesses the horses on his chariot. Also, rose each morning from her home at the edge of the Oceanus.

Pro: Well, she took her son Memnon’s death in the Trojan War hard and is sometimes depicted as holding him across her knees like in the Christian Pieta paintings.

Con: Well, after caught having an affair with Ares by Aphrodite, she was cursed with an unquenchable lust which led her to abduct several handsome young men. One of her conquests ended up having to spend eternity as an old man since she forgot to ask that he have eternal youth. Another was accidentally killed.

Patron City: Well, she did have a cult in the Roman city of Matuta where she had her own festival as Aurora called the Matralia, which was only for women during their first marriage.

Symbols: golden throne, saffron rose, and angel wings.

9. Prometheus

Here’s Prometheus being chained to the Caucasian mountains and having a giant eagle devour his liver on a daily basis all because he stole fire from Mount Olympus for humanity. Of course, he knew this would happen when Zeus would find out. Luckily, he’ll be freed by Hercules soon enough.

AKA: None

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: One of the original Titans who either remained neutral during the Titanomarchy’s struggle against the Olympians or sided with Zeus. He’s best known for stealing fire from the gods for humanity and suffering eternal punishment as a result by having a large eagle devouring his liver on a daily basis while chained to the Caucasian Mountains. That is, until Hercules frees him.

Pro: He was smart not to side with the Titans and he’s the only god who’d unfailingly put humanity before himself. So much that he only claimed the inedible parts of cattle to be reserved for ritual sacrifices and stole fire from Mount Olympus for humanity despite knowing what Zeus would do with him. Also, when Hercules freed him, Zeus didn’t seem to mind since he told him to let Thetis marry Peleus since her son would be greater than his father. This probably save Zeus’ throne. Not to mention, he’s one of the most popular figures in Greek Mythology with his legend enjoying appeal up to today.

Con: Let’s just say that if he wasn’t chained to a rock somewhere his brother probably wouldn’t have married Pandora. Then again, her story is rather sexist in itself and Epimetheus is kind of an idiot anyway.

Patron City: Athens where there was an altar honoring him at the Academy as well as the Panathenic festival held in his honor where there was a torch race from the altar to the Parthenon.

Symbols: torch, chains, wreath of thorns, and giant eagle

10. Atlas

Contrary to popular imagery, Atlas’ job wasn’t to hold up the Earth, it was the Heavens. Still, let’s just say people today don’t get how the Ancient Greeks saw in cosmology. Nevertheless, he’s best associated with geography.

AKA: None

Type: Second generation Titan

Domain: Titan who was charged with holding up the sky away from the Earth to prevent the two from “embracing” as punishment for siding with the Titans against the Olmypians. Also associated with navigation and astronomy, obviously.

Pro: Helped Hercules fetch the golden apples while the Greek strongman did his task. Also didn’t fool around as much.

Con: Tried to trick Hercules with holding up the heavens permanently, but the demigod tricked him into retaking his load (either by running away or building the two great Pillars of Hercules which liberated him from his load).

Patron City: None, but he has a whole ocean named after him though.

Symbols: globe

11. Eros

Though typically seen as a cute little cherub associated with Valentine’s Day, Eros actually is supposed to be depicted as a handsome young man who wasn’t much into clothing. Yet, he’s best remembered for shooting his arrows which can inspire love or hate.

AKA: Cupid

Type: Well, depending on source. In some myths he’s a Protogenoi and in others a minor deity as the son of Aphrodite.

Domain: God of love as well as sexual desire and attraction.

Pro: Though usually dainty and non-threatening, he could best even the greatest of gods (usually by taking pot shots from far away with his bow that had arrows which could inspire both love and hate). He’s also one of the most benevolent and good natured gods to mortals as well as a constant and faithful companion for his mother Aphrodite (in stories he is her son). If he’s a protogenoi, he helps create the world with Chaos as a procreation deity. Genuinely loved and was faithful to Psyche.

Con: He has a mischievous side and his arrows can just as much inspire hate as love. You can guess that the Greeks believed his arrows could lead to stalkerism and sex crimes. Also, though genuinely nice, he does have a temper and could be coldly unforgiving to those who insult him as Apollo found out the hard way. Yet, he only reserves his wrath for the immortal side of his family. Not to mention, has no shame with taking his clothes off. Also, refused to show himself to Psyche that led him to abandon her for awhile.

Patron City: Was worshiped as a fertility cult in Thespiae and was rather popular in Athens.

Symbols: bow, arrow, candle heart, cupid, wings, and kisses

12. Psyche

Psyche who was the goddess of soul was once a mortal princess who Eros fell in love with despite Aphrodite’s jealousy. Best known for her beauty, determination, and her insatiable curiosity that almost left her for dead when she looked into a box of beauty.

AKA: None

Type: Minor deity since she used to be mortal and former princess of Sicily.

Domain: Goddess of the soul and wife of Eros.

Pro: She was as well known for her beauty that not even Eros was immune to her charms and fell for her. She completed several seemingly impossible tasks to win back her husband Eros even if she had to petition to every god in the pantheon (which only took three but unfortunately the third was her mother-in-law Aphrodite). Was the only female mortal to travel to the underworld and succeed in her quest as well as one of the few to achieve immortality. And she did all this while pregnant and not knowing what Eros looked like.

Con: Unfortunately, she tends to let her curiosity get the best of her such as wanting to see Eros’ true form after her sisters basically tried to convince her that she might’ve married a horrible monster (despite that she previously had sex with him and conceived a child by this point. Don’t ask.) This leads her to suspect her husband as a winged serpent as well as confront him only armed with a lamp and a steak knife. Oh, and she nearly died after peeking into the box of beauty which lead to Eros saving her with a true love’s kiss as well as standing up to his mother.

Patron City: None

Symbols: a box of beauty

13. Pan

Of course, this satyr like god Pan is best associated with nature, pleasure, and sexuality who couldn’t care less what goes on at Mount Olympus so much as it doesn’t pertain to him. Still, out of the Greek pantheon, he’s probably the one who’d most likely show up at Woodstock.

AKA: Faunus

Type: Minor deity as the son of Hermes.

Domain: God of nature, the wild, goats, mountains, fields, forests, shepherds, and male sexuality.

Pro: He’s more concerned with the preservation of nature and the enjoyment of earthly pleasures such as music and sex. Though he often pals around with Dionysus, he generally doesn’t interact with other gods (besides his dad Hermes) because he simply doesn’t care about their political schemes unless it concerns him directly. Also generally friendly.

Con: Though he’s generally friendly, he’s known to be mischievous, lecherous to women, and spread panic.

Patron City: Arcadia but he was usually worshiped in caves and grottoes since he’s the only god who comes closest to being a hippie.

Symbols: pan flute and goat

14. Thanatos

Thanatos is the personification of Death who is disliked by mortals and other gods alike. Fortunately he doesn’t care much about them either. Still, depicted as a pretty boy though.

AKA: Thanatus, Mors

Type: Minor deity.

Domain: Personification of death.

Pro: Well, he doesn’t show any favoritism among mortals and gods. His existence doesn’t make war entirely pointless which was why Ares rescued him when Sisyphos put him in chains and had to spend all eternity by rolling a rock up a steep hill every day. Also, tends to be depicted as handsome.

Con: He basically hates everyone whether mortal or god and they tend to hate him back. Mortals hate him for causing and bringing death. He hates the gods for being immortal and outside his power.

Patron City: None, since he’s a death deity.

Symbols: poppy, theta, butterfly, sword, and inverted torch

15. Charon

Charon is the Ferryman who helps transport souls to the underworld just as long as they pay him. This is why the Ancient Greeks put coins in dead people’s mouths and didn’t cremate them. Still, letting him give you a ride for free is a noteworthy feat.

AKA: Charun

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Ferryman of the River Archeron (and sometimes Styx) where he helps the souls of the newly dead to cross for a small price.

Pro: Well, he’s mostly harmless and is usually shown doing his job. As Charun he has a really nice hammer and is a more active guide of the dead.

Con: Let’s just say, he’s only the Ferryman for the money and if your loved ones don’t bury your corpse or give you a coin to pay him, then he’ll just leave you stranded on the coasts for a hundred years. Also, since Archeron is the river of pain and Styx the river of death, you might not want to wade in either. Let’s just say that the Ancient Greeks weren’t fans of cremation.

Patron City: None, but Greeks who died did have coins placed in their mouths to pay him.

Symbols:a haunted rowboat and a coin

16. Iris

Iris is best known as the messenger to the gods and goddess of the rainbow. She links the gods to humanity and travels at wind speed from one end of the world to the other.

Iris is best known as the messenger to the gods and goddess of the rainbow who travels on them to deliver messages from gods to mortals. Yet, sometimes the mortals would refuse to listen.

AKA: Arcus

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Messenger to the gods as well as goddess of rainbows, sea, and sky. Links the gods to humanity and travels with the speed of wind from one end of the world to the other and into the depths of the sea and the underworld.

Pro: Well, she saved Phineus from the Harpies’ torment and assured they won’t bother him again despite not being killed. Travels by rainbow.

Con: Puts perjurers to sleep with the water from the River Styx. In a play by Euripides she and Lyssa cursed Hercules with a fit of madness that led him to kill his wife Megara and their three sons. Also said to cause storms. Other than that, she doesn’t appear much.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: rainbow, of course

17. Hecate

Hecate may be a goddess of magic as well as known for her benevolence to those who venerate her. Yet, the fact she’s confined to the role of a household goddess just kind of seems a little unfair to her. Yet, she’s best known for appearing in Macbeth as the witches’ boss which is set in medieval Scotland. But, hey don’t ask me why that is.

AKA: Trivia

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of magic, crossroads, moon, ghosts, and necromancy. Said to have three appearances or just three heads.Feared and and revered by night travelers and worshiped by about to deliver mothers. Associated with knowledge of herbs and poisonous plants

Pro: She was honored by Zeus and is always called upon whenever men offer rich sacrifices or pray for favors according to custom. She is very generous with those who worship and honor her and will receive great blessings and victories. Assisted Demeter in the search for Persephone and became the latter’s companion on her yearly journey to and from the underworld.

Con: Despite being a powerful goddess and well loved in her own right, she doesn’t appear much in Greek mythology.

Patron City: Lagina where she had a sanctuary attended by eunuchs but is also thought to have a following in Thrace. She was also a patroness for the Macedonian Stratonikeia. Still, she was more or less worshiped as a household goddess by the Athenians seen as a protective deity who bestowed blessings and prosperity on the family. Honored with the evening feast of the Deipnon.

Symbols: paired torches, dogs, keys, and daggers.

18. Hypnos

Hypnos is the god of sleep and is best known for escaping Zeus’ lightning bolt of divine retribution after he put the chief deity to sleep while Hera harassed Hercules. Of course, he went home to Mama Nyx who Zeus really didn’t want to cross.

AKA: Somnus

Type: Minor deity

Domain: God and personification of sleep. Lives in a cave next to his brother Thanatos that doesn’t see the sun rising or the moon with no gate or door. Yet, it houses a lot of hypnotic plants and poppies with the river Lethe flowing through it.

Pro: Is probably the only god that Thanatos didn’t hate (or perhaps). Is happily married to his wife Pasithea who was one of the youngest Graces and mother of his three sons. Is in good graces with Hera for all its implications.

Con: Let’s just say he has a mischievous side and managed to avoid Zeus’ bolt of divine retribution by running off to his mother Nyx for protection. Also allowed Hera to arrest Hercules in Homer by putting Zeus to sleep.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: poppy

19. Enyo

Enyo is the goddess of war and destruction who serves as a Ares’ companion in battle. She is the most destructive and bloodthirsty god of the Greek Pantheon (even more so than Ares) and tends to make war absolute hell. Definitely not a pleasant goddess.

AKA: Bellona, Duellona

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of war and destruction as well as companion of Ares often accompanying him into battle.

Pro: Well, she refuses to take sides in war but not in a good way.

Con: She’s responsible for orchestrating the destruction of cities and inflicted terror and bloodshed in battle. Would rather see Zeus battle it out with Typhon than take sides in that conflict since she delights in warfare. Still, she’s much more destructive than Ares and the bloodiest god in the whole Greek pantheon.

Patron City: None, though she did have a festival in Thebes and Orchomenos called Homoloia. As Bellona, whenever Rome declared war on someone the Fetial priests often threw a spear into her temple.

Symbols: Lady armor, sword, and shield.

20. Eris

Eris is the goddess of discord known for basically throwing a golden apple at a wedding she wasn’t invited to. This led to the Judgement of Paris and the Trojan War. Still, should’ve received a wedding invitation though she would cause trouble anyway.

AKA: Discordia

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of chaos, strife. and discord. Also, a deity in the modern Discordianism.

Pro: Let’s just say no harm will come to anyone in Ancient Greece if you invite her to a wedding or party.

Con: She’s not a pleasant goddess and her kids are even worse than her. Basically could be blamed for starting the Trojan war because she wasn’t invited to the wedding of Peleus and Thetis where she basically crashed the occasion and tossed a golden apple Athena, Hera, and Aphrodite fought over. This ushered the Judgement of Paris. Then again, she wasn’t invited because she had a reputation to cause trouble out of pure malice. Also escorted Typhon into his battle with Zeus. Still, she should’ve gotten a wedding invitation. A lot of people’s lives could’ve been saved that way.

Patron City: None, of course.

Symbols: Golden Apple of Discord

21. Nike

Nike is the goddess of victory led Zeus into battle against the Titans. Yet, when you hear her name, you think of a brand of athletic shoe with the famous swoosh logo.

AKA: Victoria

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of victory, strength, and speed, and divine charioteer to Zeus.

Pro: Since she’s the goddess of victory, she’s certainly someone you’d want on your side in anything you can’t lose. Flies around battlefields and rewards victors with glory and fame. Led Zeus into battle against the Titans.

Con: She doesn’t appear much in Greek mythology and is best remembered as having an athletic shoe brand named after her which is better remembered than she is.

Patron City: None, but she was commonly depicted on Greek coins.

Symbols: torch and laurel wreath

22. Nemesis

Nemesis is the goddess that personified revenge and divine judgement of hubris before the gods. She distributes fortune to mortals, both good or bad yet her verdict is always correct whether you like it or not. You might want to devise a will if you see her in a Greek tragedy for you will die a horrible death over something you did even if consisted of speeding.

AKA: Rhamnousia, Invidia, Adrasteia

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of revenge, implacable justice, and divine judgement for hubris before the gods. Also a distributor of fortune both good and bad.

Pro: She’s a respected goddess as well as always gives everybody what they deserve as far as the Greeks are concerned since they viewed her judgements as absolutely correct. Also one of the few deities that no one dared to cross intentionally since divine judgement on hubris is itself hubris. Even Zeus would avoid messing with her.

Con: Let’s just say she has no personality outside fulfilling her duties and doesn’t care what others think about her decisions. She’s also absolutely uncaring to anyone or anything that doesn’t fall within her judgement and even then, is impassive, implacable force of nature. So if she appears in a Greek tragedy in which you’re the main character, expect to meet a really nasty demise leaving a mutilated corpse and you can do nothing about it.

Patron City: Rhamnous in northeastern Attica where she had an archaic sanctuary in her honor. Had a festival in Athens called Nemesia.

Symbols: hourglass, scales, and sword

23. Astraea

Astraea is the goddess of justice, purity, and innocence who chose to leave the earth after being disenchanted with humanity’s wickedness and became the constellation Virgo. Her scales would become Libra. Still, she’s said to return eventually.

AKA: Justitia, Lady Justice, the Celestial Virgin

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Goddess of justice, innocence, and purity. One of the last immortals to live with humans during the golden age of Man.

Pro: She’s one of the nicest gods of the Greek pantheon and the closest thing to an all loving deity in Ancient Greece.

Con: Basically left Earth because she thought humanity too wicked during the Iron Age (though she may come back and usher a new Golden Age). Opted to ascend into heaven become the constellation Virgo instead while her scales became Libra.

Patron City: None

Symbols: scales

24. Triton

Though he is a merman and carries a trident, he’s not Ariel’s dad from The Little Mermaid. Rather he’s Triton who’s the messenger of the sea who also carried a conch shell he blew to control the waves.

AKA: None

Type: Minor deity

Domain: Messenger of the sea and herald to his father Poseidon. Lived in his parents’ golden palace Celaeno at the bottom of the sea.

Pro: Blew into his conch shell to control the waves. Guided the Argonauts to find the passage from the river back to the sea when they got lost. Sometimes depicted as a foster parent to Athena.

Con: Doesn’t appear much in Greek mythology.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: trident and conch shell

25. Circe

Circe may not be a notable goddess of magic but she’s best known for having an island mansion she surrounded with predatory beast. She’s also known to turn people into animals and her encounter with Odysseus.

AKA: None

Type: Minor deity

Domain: A goddess of magic and called “the loveliest of all immortals.”

Pro: Had a vast array of knowledge of potions, drugs, and herbs and was a very powerful sorceress with her magic wand (or staff). Also, has a great monologue on sexism and double standards on Mount Olympus in The Odyssey. Seemed like a gracious hostess to Odysseus’ men at first anyway.

Con: Transformed her enemies (as well as those who offended her) into animals. Said to be exiled to the island of Aeaea for killing her husband, the prince of Colchis. Lived in a large mansion surrounded by forests and feral predators she culled with her magic. Turned some of Odysseus’ crew into pigs that he set out to rescue them with Athena’s help. Luckily he was able to gain her trust and she helped him on his journey home.

Patron City: None.

Symbols: wand or staff

Halloween Decorating Do’s and Don’ts

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 26, 2014

Of course, autumn is in the air and Halloween will soon be upon us before we know it. A lot of people relish in Halloween who tend to get all up in the festivities. I mean many of them dress in costumes as well as decorate their homes in the Halloween spirit. Yet, for those who plan to decorate for All Hallows Eve, you might want to be mindful of your neighbors if you want to be decked out around your house. I mean though you can go for scary, your decorations must be inoffensive and kid friendly because you never know what kind of trick or treaters you may get. If not, then you’ll probably find your Halloween decorations on the news stirring controversy which you don’t want. Nevertheless, for those who want to be creative, here is a nice little how-to on what and what not to do.

Do: A Halloween display of your favorite franchise.

Sure neighbors may think you had too much time on your hands while doing a Star Wars scarecrow display but at least some people would like it.

Don’t: Do a lawn display that could lead the neighbors to dial 911.

It’s said that the neighbors actually called 911 for this all too realistic decor of people getting run over. Don’t do this.

Do: Have decorations that were inspired by clever puns.

While this display may make neighbors question your parenting skills, I’m sure it’s nevertheless in the spirit and funny.

Don’t: Have Hallwoeen displays that include execution methods no matter how cool or scary the idea may seem.

Because you never know where your neighbors and guests may stand on the death penalty. Seriously, don’t do this.

Do: Displays with skeletons enjoying the pleasures of life.

Just a nice quiet afternoon open air picnic with Mr. and Mrs. Bones. I’m sure the neighbors won’t complain though they’d wonder where you got the skeletons from.

Don’t: Use hangings for your Halloween display unless they’re naked skeletons and not with rope by the neck.

Because an image like this can cause a lot of unpleasant feelings for people who may be anti-death penalty, know people who’ve tried killing themselves this way, actually have attempted suicide this way, or are African American. If they are the last part, then be warned that such displays may remind them of that old kind of racist hate crime used on them during the Jim Crow era. So don’t do this.

Do: Be eco-friendly and use any leftover supplies you may have.

Using old chicken wire to create ghostly dresses isn’t just creative, it’s also good for the environment as well. Besides, you can use these decorations again and again.

Don’t: Use your daughter’s baby dolls for your Halloween display or mutilated doll exhibit.

This just goes too far as scary goes. Besides, this might traumatize many trick or treaters, especially young girls. This is just plain sick if you know what I mean.

Do: Go with a ghost coven in your yard.

Now this isn’t just spooky but also rather eco-friendly, simple, and clever.

Don’t: Incorporate politics in your Halloween lawn display.

I know that Halloween isn’t too far from Election day. As a Catholic I’m perfectly fine with Halloween religious displays since well, there’s a lot of creepy religious stuff. But it’s only as good if the religion your mocking is your own, Christianity, cults, Neo-Paganism, Wicca, or Satanism. Yet, as a Democrat, for the love of God, don’t incorporate politics in your Halloween displays because you never know who you may offend in your neighborhood.

Do: Go with shadows.

May not be that scary up close but they’re sure clever, simple, and rather effective.

Don’t: Go for horrific circus displays that may traumatize children.

Now there is such a thing as being too scary. This horrific display may traumatize little kids and not want to make them see a circus in their lives.

Do: Mock non-political celebrities like Justin Bieber and Hugh Hefner.

After all, a guy known for founding a slutty magazine and an annoying Canadian teenie bopper are perfectly acceptable targets.

Don’t: Use any Halloween displays that go beyond the PG rating in anything other than gore.

While blood and gore are all right in your Halloween decorations to an extent, doing a pumpkin display with exposed boobs and butts will make many parents complain. I mean you want kid friendliness in this department so don’t do this.

Do: Go with cobwebs, graveyards, and Hollywood style Satanic and cult rituals.

After all, using elements in Halloween displays that have anything to do with death or the occult are perfectly acceptable.

Don’t: Have Halloween displays that depict murder and graphic violence or the neighbors may get upset with you.

I say this especially since the murders of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown as well as the controversial “shoot first” laws in many states. Also, such violent displays are too graphic for the kiddies.

Do: Decorate your lawn by reenacting your favorite movie in a Halloween style.

Now a skeleton version of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? now that I approve most admirably. Looks like Blanche has rat for din din tonight.

Don’t: Make your Halloween lawn display offensive, especially in a racial context.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being gunned by a scary black person in a hoodie. I mean that's just racist.

Now this is just terrible. I mean just who in their right mind would make such a display of someone being being chained by a black person in a hoodie? Seriously, this is just blatantly racist. Don’t ever do this for the love of God.

Do: Use your old dresses to create an illuminated Halloween display the neighbors would never forget.

Now using lights, wires, and dresses to create an illusion that ghosts are wearing your clothes is very creative and impressive. Kudos to the person who thought up this.

Don’t: Go for mutilated corpses that may make the neighbors complain.

A British man was told to remove this decoration, which probably serves just as well. I mean this is too graphic and gross to display in the front lawn anyway.

The Real People of Boardwalk Empire: Part 5 – Mae Coughlin Capone to Owney Madden

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 22, 2014

As I may have said before, before states in the Mid Atlantic started to legalize gambling and build casinos of their own in recent times, Atlantic City was renown as the Las Vegas of the Eastern Seaboard before Las Vegas with its share of casinos and gambling establishments. It was also the city that served as a model for the Parker Brothers’ game of Monopoly but that will come out during the Great Depression but it’s no coincidence why some of the areas in that city seem to remind you of it. Nevertheless, Atlantic City also began the Miss America beauty pageant which started as a way to get more tourists to their resort boom town, but has become a national beauty contest owned by Donald Trump (and whatever he has on his hair). Still, during Prohibition, it was famous for ignoring Prohibition thanks to the efforts of one Nucky Johnson who’s the inspiration for the Steve Buscemi character on Boardwalk Empire. Yet, we’ve come to the final installment but we still have more people to go over. In this final selection, we’ll look at some historical wives to famous figures like Mae Capone, First Lady Florence Harding, and Katherine Bader. We’ll also meet Al Capone’s mother Theresina and Warren G. Harding’s alleged daughter Elizabeth Ann Blaesing. Yet, we’ll also see investigators William Frank and Eliot Ness as well as Nucky Johnson’s servant Louis Kessel. And then we have famous horse trainer Max Hirsch, boxing manager Jack “Doc” Kearns, and possible Billie Kent inspiration Dorothy “Dot” King. Finally, we’ll meet gangsters Salvatore Maranzano and Owney Madden. So without further adieu, enjoy this final installment of the real people seen from Boardwalk Empire.

53. Mae Coughlin Capone (1897-1986)

Mae Capone was Al Capone’s beautiful wife and mother to his son. Yet, since she was a private person, there’s very little else that’s known about her. Still, Al knew how to pick em’ didn’t he?

Known in Life as: Al Capone’s wife.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she was Irish.
Differences: Born in New York and married to Al since she was 21 three weeks after their son was born. Had syphilis. Was an ardent churchgoer. Stuck with Al until the end and was reputed to be beautiful. Still, despite her husband’s infamy as perhaps the most famous American gangster who ever lived, there’s surprisingly little about her.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Miami in 1986 at 89.

54. Max Hirsch (1880-1969)
Known in Life as: American Hall of Fame Thoroughbred horse trainer. One of the most successful in history. His horses gave him 3 wins in the Kentucky Derby, 2 wins in the Preakness Stakes, and 4 wins in the Belmont Stakes. Also, trained the 1946 Triple Crown winner Bold Venture.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he did condition horses for various clients but I’m not sure if Rothstein was one of them.
Differences: Born in Texas and spent his early years as a groom and jockey at the Morris Ranch. Married with at least one son named Buddy who also followed in his footsteps.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Long Island, New York in 1969 at 88.

55. Florence Harding (1860-1924)

Though we’re not sure whether she was called “Flossie” we’re pretty sure that if Florence Harding ever had anything to do with her husband’s death it had more to do with trusting the wrong doctor than anything. I mean you shouldn’t trust homeopaths for their pseudoscientific quacks.

Known in Life as: Wife of President Warren G. Harding and First Lady of the United States from 1921-1923. Known as the brains behind her husband’s newspaper business, called “The Duchess,” and was said to give notably elegant parties.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she had gray hair and glasses. Also actually consulted a fortune teller who said that her husband would become President but die in office.
Differences: Was married twice and had a son with her first husband who she divorced on grounds for gross neglect. May or may not have been called “Flossie.” Once studied to be a concert pianist and worked as a piano teacher. Helped Warren run his newspaper business where she organized circulation, improved distribution, trained newsboys, purchased equipment at keen prices, and installed the first local wire service. She also managed her husband’s finances, social life, and public image. Said to have a strong influence in Warren’s administration and held outspoken political views. Her great cause was championing the welfare of war veterans and served alcohol to guests. Though alleged by Gaston Means that she killed her husband, it’s highly unlikely though she did destroy many of his papers.
Ultimate Fate: Died of renal failure after her last public appearance on Veteran’s Day in 1924. She was 64.

56. Teresina Raiola Capone (1867-1952)

Theresina Capone with her grandson Albert Francis. I guess while she didn’t seem to like her son’s gangster interests, she didn’t seem to disown him.

Known in Life as: Al Capone’s mother.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she’s Italian though I’m not sure if she went to Chicago.
Differences: Born in Naples and was a seamstress before marrying barber Gabriel Capone. Had 10 children. Came to the US in 1893.
Ultimate Fate: Died in 1952 at 85.

57. Katherine Holvick Bader (1878-1969)
Known in Life as: Edward L. Bader’s wife.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she did attend dinners with her husband.
Differences: Married with 4 kids. Still, there’s really not much about her.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Atlantic City in 1969 at 91.

58. Jack “Doc” Kearns (1882-1963)

Jack “Doc” Kearns was a world renown boxing manager most famous for overseeing the career of Jack Dempsey. Still, there may be details in his autobiography that might be rather sketchy.

Known in Life as: World renowned boxing trainer and manager for Jack Dempsey during the 1920s. Also trained Mickey Walker, Joe Maxim, and Archie Moore.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Trained Jack Dempsey around the time of his upcoming fight against Georges Carpentier. May have been corrupt.
Differences: Hailed from the state of Washington and wrote his autobiography called The Million Dollar Gate that was published posthumously in 1966. Quit school at 14 and stowed away on a freighter to Alaska to stake a claim in the Klondike Gold Rush. Said he worked as a dognapper and helped smuggle Chinese laborers. Was a boxer himself in 1900 and said to take part in 60 bouts. Operated a boxing club and bar in Spokane for a time. Remained an active fight manager until his death.
Ultimate Fate: Died in 1963 at 81.

59. Salvatore Maranzano (1886-1931)

Salvatore Maranzano may look rather sharp but this is perhaps the only picture I could find him alive. Other photos depict him as brutally shot up and they’re not pretty. Still, let’s just say he’d start a gang war and be killed by Luciano.

Known in Life as: Early Costa Nostra boss in the US who instigated the Castellammarese War to seize control of American Mafia operations and briefly became the Mafia’s “Bosses of Bosses.”
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was in direct competition with Masseria.
Differences: Born in Italy and once studied to be a priest yet immigrated to Brooklyn in 1919 on a Sicilian mob boss’ orders. Had a commanding presence as well as greatly respected his underworld peers. Was fascinated with Julius Caesar and the Roman Empire as well as loved discussing these subjects with his less-educated American counterparts. Though he was a legitimate real estate broker, he also had businesses in bootlegging, prostitution, and illegal narcotics smuggling. Divided his organization into squads with each soldier pledging loyalty to his squad leader.
Ultimate Fate: Shot and stabbed by 4 hitmen posing as accountants in New York on Luciano’s orders in 1931. Still, he already hired someone to kill Luciano. After his murder, Luciano abolished the “Boss of Bosses” title and his organization would become the Bonnano Crime Family since it was given to Joseph Bonnano.

60. William Frank
Known in Life as: A lawyer who led a joint IRS and FBI task force to take down Nucky Johnson.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for Nelson Van Alden which is rather loosely based.
Similarities: Well, they did lead an operation to take down a corrupt political boss making money on illegal activities.
Differences: His operation to take Nucky Johnson down wasn’t until 1936, which was 3 years after Prohibition. Also, he probably wasn’t a religious fanatic (if so, then he perhaps wasn’t as batshit crazy as Van Alden) and was rather successful at getting his man.
Ultimate Fate: Don’t really know what happened to him.

61. Eliot Ness (1903-1957)

I think Eliot Ness is one of the more overrated people in history mainly because his actions during Prohibition make a rather good story despite that he didn’t take down Al Capone. Also, he was a womanizer and a drunk.

Known in Life as: American Prohibition agent famous for his efforts to enforce the 18th Amendment in Chicago as well as leader of a legendary team of law enforcement agents known as the Untouchables (and no, they didn’t take down Al Capone. IRS agent Frank J. Wilson did).
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he did publicly declare he’d take down Al Capone while still a Chicago Treasury agent (he didn’t in real life).
Differences: Born to Norwegian immigrants and attended the University of Chicago where he served as a member in Sigma Alpha Epsilon and graduated with an economics degree in 1925. Career as investigator began for the Retail Credit Company of Atlanta. Returned to college to earn a master’s degree in criminology. With his Untouchables, he staged raids against illegal stills and breweries and was said to have seized such facilities worth as much as a million bucks. Also used wiretapping. Had a close friend killed and survived assassination attempts. Was a womanizing drunk. Had one adopted son and was married 3 times (divorced twice).
Ultimate Fate: After Prohibition, his later years as a law enforcer would come to an end in the 1930s and his latter life consisted of two divorces, business failures, and alcoholism. Died of a heart attack in Coudersport, Pennsylvania at 54. ATF building is named after him.

62. Louis Kessel (1888-1944)

Louis Kessel was the inspiration for Boardwalk Empire’s Eddie Kessler. A former cab driver, he worked as Nucky Johnson’s valet, driver, and bodyguard and was called by his boss, “the most loyal man I ever knew.” If there was one thing, Nucky Johnson regretted in his life, it was not attending Kessel’s funeral (due to being incarcerated for tax evasion).

Known in Life as: Former cab driver and personal servant to Nucky Johnson at his Ritz-Carlton residence in Atlantic City. Johnson called him, “the most loyal man I ever knew.”
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for Eddie Kessler.
Similarities: Well, he was German (despite being born in Russia). Also served as chauffer and bodyguard, too.
Differences: Born in Russia and was 42 in 1920. Was of stockier build than Anthony Laicura but had a similar appearance otherwise. Smoked a pipe. Stood 5’5” and weighed 260 lbs. Before he became a cab driver he was a wrestler and bartender. Could easily break down a door. Woke his boss every day at 3:00 pm and gave him a vigorous massage with wintergreen oil, answered his calls, and prepared him of the day. Was arrested in a prostitution sting. Had a wife and kids though (his granddaughter is still alive). Visited his boss in prison a few times a week with Johnson’s second wife Florence.
Ultimate Fate: Died in a broadsided limo accident during a drive to Lewisburg, Pennsylvania to see his incarcerated boss. He was 56. Nucky Johnson was upset that he couldn’t go to the funeral, and not being there haunted him for decades. Still, his boss would write a moving tribute for him.

63. Elizabeth Ann Blaesing (1919-2005)

Young Elizabeth Blaesing with her mother Nan Britton. Though alleged to be Warren G. Harding’s daughter, I don’t think she bears any resemblance to the President. Still, Harding was known to be philanderer but might’ve been sterile.

Known in Life as: Alleged daughter of Warren Harding by alleged mistress Nan Britton. Her claims were never conclusively proven.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show though she won’t be known by her surname Blaesing until after she was married. Yet, since we don’t know who her father is and went by different surnames prior to her marriage, we’ll just use her maiden name.
Similarities: Well, she was definitely Nan Britton’s daughter. And Warren G. Harding’s according to DNA tests.
Differences: Born in New Jersey and lived in multiple states. Married and had at least one son. Said that Warren G. Harding was her father but has refused interviews or a DNA test (not anymore).
Ultimate Fate: Died in Oregon in 2005. She was 86.

64. Dorothy “Dot” King (1896-1923)

Dorothy “Dot” King was a former showgirl, model, and actress who was famously found murdered in her New York apartment in a building owned by Arnold Rothstein. Still, compared to Billie Kent, she was no saint.

Known in Life as: Ziegfield Follies chorus showgirl who lived in an apartment owned by Arnold Rothstein found famously murdered in 1923.
Character or Inspiration? Likely inspiration for Billie Kent though rather loosely.
Similarities: Well, they do have a similar taste in certain infamous men like sugar daddies, playboys, top-hatted stage-door Johnnies, and Just Plain Gigolo. Both were said to have diamonds, furs, and a bachelor girl apartment in New York.
Differences: Daughter of Irish immigrants. She wasn’t the loyal mistress Billie was to Nucky on the show (who had a sugar daddy but also a Puerto Rican con man lover) and was actually in her late 20s. Also wasn’t blown up in a nightclub. Was married once to a chauffeur but he divorced her after catching her cheating on him. Appeared in only one Broadway production for 105 performances in 1920 and worked in modeling. Yet, left both to make a living as an honest to goodness vamp who had affairs with string of wealthy and powerful men.
Ultimate Fate: Murdered in her yellow silk pajamas in her New York City apartment in 1923. She was 27. Some of her jewelry was missing from the scene as well. Killing remains unsolved and no one was tried.

65. Owney Madden (1891-1965)

Owney Madden may not look like much and may have spoken in a Yorkshire accent like you hear on Downton Abbey. Yet, he was a notorious gangster who had future movie star George Raft as his personal driver (yes, that George Raft if you know who he was. Well, if you don’t, he’s the head gangster in Some Like It Hot, which you should watch).

Known in Life as: Leading underworld figure during Prohibition in New York, most notable for his involvement in organized crime, running the famous Cotton Club, and being a leading boxing promoter in the 1930s.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Spoke in a Northern English accent.
Differences: Born in England to Irish parents. Came to US in early 1900s and was a member of New York’s Gopher Gang where he got a notorious reputation as a fighter and killer. Lead pipe and gun were his signature weapons. Enjoyed an opulent lifestyle and was often accompanied by several women. Yet was known for his violent jealousy and shot a store clerk who asked one of his girls out while boarding a trolley. Despite several witnesses, the case was dismissed. Yet, was eventually sent to Sing Sing for 20 years for his violent behavior but only served 9. Found the Gopher Gang broke up at his 1923 release so went to be a muscle for a friend’s cab business and started running Canadian whiskey to New York. Onetime personal driver would be future movie star George Raft (I’m not making this up).
Ultimate Fate: After being responsible for the killing of Vincent “Mad Dog” Coll and being arrested for a parole violation in 1932, he would soon leave New York in 1935. Settled in Hot Springs, Arkansas where he opened the Southern Club where Luciano was arrested as well as became involved with other criminal activities like illegal gambling. Became a US citizen in 1943 and married the city postmaster’s daughter. Gave up his British passport when threatened with deportation in the 1950s. Died of emphysema in 1965 at 73.

The Real People of Boardwalk Empire: Part 4 – Nan Britton to Richard “Peg Leg” Lonergan

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 22, 2014

Vaudeville was one of the dominant forms of variety show entertainment from the 1880s to the early 1930s, which was very popular in the United States and Canada during the 1920s. A typical performance was made up of a series of unrelated acts groups together on a common bill. Acts could consist of popular and classical musicians, singers, dancers, comedians, trained animals, magicians, male and female drag shows, acrobats, illustrated songs, jugglers, one-act scenes from plays, athletes, lecturing celebrities, minstrels (hopefully not to a black audience), and even movies. This kind of entertainment developed from many sources including the concert saloon, minstrelsy (unfortunately), freak shows, dime museums, and literary American burlesque. It’s no wonder it’s called “the heart of American show business,” since it brought us people like Charlie Chaplin, Cary Grant, the Marx Brothers, the Three Stooges, Eddie Cantor, Buster Keaton, Mae West, Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, Abbot and Costello, Bob Hope, Judy Garland, Sammy Davis Jr., Jack Benny, and George Burns. Still, it’s a dominant form of entertainment in Boardwalk Empire filled with many showgirls that all the gangsters can screw. Nevertheless, in this selection, we’ll meet political figures like President Warren G. Harding, Irish revolutionary and politician Eamon De Valera, New Jersey Governor Edward I. Edwards, and Atlantic City Mayor Harry Bacharach. We’ll also be introduced to Al Capone’s son Albert Francis, alleged Harding mistress Nan Britton, Arnold Rothstein’s wife Carolyn, ragtime composer James Scott, and famous criminal defense lawyer William J. Fallon. And of course, Boardwalk Empire won’t be without the gangsters in which we have in this selection Big Jim Colosimo (the mustachioned guy who was killed in the pilot), Chicago Outfit adviser and Capone Associate Jake Guzik, as well as White Hand leaders “Wild Bill” Lovett and “Peg Leg” Lonergan. So without further adieu, here are some more real life historical figures from the world of the Emmy-winning Boardwalk Empire.

40. Nan Britton (1896-1991)

Nan Britton may or may not have been Warren Harding’s babymama but she did cause a sensation with her 1927 book alleging that. Still, I wonder how she got the fur stole.

Known in Life as: Associated with the Warren G. Harding Presidency because she publicly claimed in a tell-all book in 1928 that Harding had fathered her illegitimate daughter shortly before his election as president in 1920.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was infatuated with Harding since she was a teenager and before he started his political career (who was a friend of her dad). Also, had his love child according to DNA evidence.
Differences: Was about 24 in 1920 and worked as a secretary in New York City. Had her daughter in 1919. Also, despite that she claimed that Harding fathered her daughter, Elizabeth Ann, there’s little concrete evidence that an affair between them ever took place and might’ve just existed in her head (save maybe an occasional hook up prior to his presidency). If so, then we’re sure that Harding wasn’t her baby daddy because he was said to be sterile (though DNA evidence has rebuked this). Also wasn’t hidden away until the 1920 election to avoid political scandal because that honor went to a woman who was Harding’s mistress but for very different reasons.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Oregon of natural causes in 1991 at 94.

41. Eamon De Valera (1882-1975)

John McGarrigle may not be a surrogate for Eamon De Valera but he did share a lot of his personality and wore glasses. Nevertheless, Valera would be a dominant figure in Ireland during the 20th century until his death in 1975.

Known in Life as: One of the dominant figures of early 20th century Ireland whose political career spanned from 1917-1973 with roles from revolutionary to several terms as head of state and government. Led the introduction of the Constitution of Ireland. Was in Sinn Fein and founded Fianna Fail. Political creed evolved from militant republicanism to cultural conservatism.
Character or Inspiration? Inspiration for John McGarrigle (though not necessarily a stand-in but close).
Similarities: Well, they had similar appearances and personality. Both fund-raised for the IRA in the US.
Differences: Born in New York to a Cuban father. Was a devout Catholic man who once considered becoming a priest yet might’ve prevented doing so because of his possible illegitimate birth (out of wedlock children couldn’t enter into the secular or diocesan priesthood at the time, though he could’ve been a priest of a religious order {like Erasmus}. Still, his half-brother was a priest though). Happily married for 65 years and fathered 7 kids. Was a math professor before getting involved in Irish politics. Was never assassinated unlike McGarrigle.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Dublin of natural causes in 1975 at 92. Body lay in Dublin Castle and was given a full funeral at St. Mary Pro-Cathedral, which was broadcast on national television.

42. Warren G. Harding (1865-1923)

Warren G. Harding did make a dandy looking president in the early 1920s. Too bad that he was a horrible judge of character that Teapot Dome happened.

Known in Life as: 29th President of the United States from 1921-1923. Republican from Ohio who served in the state and US Senate but was nominated on the ballot for being an inoffensive compromise candidate and used advertising experts to publicize his presidential appearance and conservative promises like “a return to normalcy,” an end to violence and radicalism, a strong economy, and independence from European intrigues. Though appointed great minds in his cabinet like Andrew Mellon for Treasury, Herbert Hoover for Commerce, and Charles Evans Hughes for State, he also rewarded friends and contributors with powerful positions who were known as the Ohio Gang. Presidency was famous for multiple cases of corruption exposed both during and after his death, including the notorious Teapot Dome scandal which was “greatest and most sensational scandal in the history of American politics” before Watergate. Seen as one of the worst US Presidents, despite setting up what would eventually become the Department of Veterans’ Affairs.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was a womanizer and frequently cheated on his wife. Had to have a mistress hidden away during his 1920 presidential campaign. And had a love child out of wedlock to Nan Britton according to DNA evidence. But both these things didn’t apply to the same woman.
Differences: Born and spent most of his life in Ohio as well as owned a newspaper. Actual mistress who was to be hidden away wasn’t Nan Britton, but his mistress of 15 years Carrie Fulton Phillips (who he certainly did have an affair with since there are 1,000 pages of intimate letters between them which may be available online), a wife of a department store owner and a close friend. Yet, she was hidden away due to her vocal support for Germany during WWI and was deliberately blackmailed by the Republican Party with an all-expense paid vacation to East Asia. Also said to be linked to two of his wife’s friends named Susan Hodder and Grace Cross. Heavy drinker and gambler. Still, wasn’t as much a crook and more like a bad judge of character.
Ultimate Fate: Died in office under mysterious circumstances in San Francisco in 1923 at 58 (Mrs. Harding refused an autopsy. Still, even if Flossie didn’t poison her husband {and it’s highly unlikely she did}, we’re not sure what killed him. He was officially said to succumb to apoplexy and recently had a heart attack as well as food poisoning {from seafood} that led to pneumonia in Alaska but it may have been stroke, congestive heart failure, food poisoning, or heart attack. It’s also widely believed that Harding might’ve been a victim of medical malpractice since the doctor treating him when he died was a homeopath {a field of medicine that’s now considered a pseudoscience}.)

43. James “Big Jim” Colosimo (1878-1920)

Big Jim Colosimo with his lawyer. Notice that he used to wear that white suit to lure women into his prostitution cathouses. Still, you probably remember him for getting killed in the Boardwalk Empire pilot.

Known in Life as: Italian American Mafia crime boss who built a criminal empire in Chicago based on prostitution, gambling, and racketeering. From 1902-1920 would lead a gang that would be known after his death as the Chicago Outfit.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was actually a big guy with a mustache. Refused to invest in the alcohol business when Prohibition came around. Had a restaurant and night club called Colosimo’s Café (where Al Capone would work as a bouncer). Was killed in 1920 (but in May not January as in the pilot).
Differences: Born in Italy and immigrated to Chicago in 1895. Recruited Johnny Torrio from Brooklyn and made him his second in command (this would prove to be a very big mistake). Married twice and divorced once (to Torrio’s aunt whom he deserted). Frequently dressed in a white suit as well as wore diamond pins, rings, and other jewelry.
Ultimate Fate: Shot and killed in his café in Chicago in 1920 at 42. Though Torrio is the most likely suspect responsible (who may have hired Frankie Yale to do the deed), no one was ever arrested for it.

44. Albert Francis “Sonny “Capone (1918-2004)

Sonny Capone on one of his wedding days, I think. Still, basically rebelled against his dad by going to college, getting a legitimate job, and not breaking the law.

Known in Life as: Al Capone’s son.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was a kid at the time (well, he was 2 in 1920). And he did have hearing problems.
Differences: Wasn’t born deaf and only went partially deaf at age 7 (due to being born with congenital syphilis and experiencing a serious mastoid infection that required brain surgery). Went to high school with Desi Arnaz Sr. from I Love Lucy and attended the University of Miami. Married 3 times and fathered at least 4 daughters. Changed his name to Albert Francis Brown in 1966 in order to distance himself from his notorious dad.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Florida of natural causes at 85 in 2004, after a lifetime as an upstanding citizen with no mob ties (except in genetics). At least a few of his daughters are still alive.

45. Jake Guzik (1886-1956)

Yes, this is a picture of Guzik from 1946 but it was one the few good ones I could find. Still, you didn’t want to beat him up or his buddy Al Capone would show his famous violent tendencies in your direction.

Known in Life as: Jewish American financial and legal advisor as well as political “greaser” for the Chicago Outfit. Had a great relationship with Al Capone.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Was involved in prostitution and protected by Al Capone (hurting him was a quick way to get Al to practically murder you).
Differences: Born in Krakow, Poland and came to the US in the early 20th century. Was incapable of using a gun or killing anyone. Served as principal bagman in payoffs to Chicago police and politicians. Capone actually came to trust and rely on his advice as well as told him to make sure his wife and kid were provided for when his health failed.
Ultimate Fate: He would also go on to work for Paul “the Waiter” Ricca and Tony Accardo. Spent a few years in prison for tax evasion. Died of a myocardial infraction in 1956 at 69. Funeral was said to put more Italians in a synagogue than ever before in history.

46. Carolyn Greene Rothstein (1888-?)

Carolyn Rothstein wasn’t too happy with her husband Arnold’s life choices but she stuck with him until his 1928 murder. I mean she had to put up with his gambling, stealing, marital infidelities, and having people killed. Ladies, if you want to know what it’s like being a gangster’s wife, you might want to read her book if available.

Known in Life as: Arnold Rothstein’s wife.
Character or Inspiration? She’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, she was blond.
Differences: Was a New York showgirl before meeting her husband who interrogated her coworkers and friends after four dates. Was Irish Catholic (as well as half-Jewish) and married Arnold at 21 though he pawned all her jewelry for cash (he got it back after winning $12,000). Though remained married to Arnold until his murder, she didn’t like him being a New York gang boss and gambler. Also put up with his cheating, stealing, and killing.
Ultimate Fate: Wrote a book about her life with her husband after his murder called Now I’ll Tell You that was published in 1934. Well, she didn’t died rich if she survived Arnold by more than 10 years.

47. William J. Fallon (1886-1927)

William J. Fallon was a noted criminal defense attorney who has become the archetype of all sleazy lawyers everywhere. Still, you have to give him credit for him never losing a case pertaining to murder.

Known in Life as: Criminal defense attorney in New York City who represented the city’s leading pimps, illegal narcotics dealers, embezzlers, and operators. Inspiration for Billy Flynn of Chicago as well as the archetype for the amoral criminal defense lawyer.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was known to defend a lot of famous morally dubious people. Also represented Arnold Rothstein.
Differences: Son of Irish immigrants. Graduated at the top of his class at Fordham University. Was in the New York State Assembly and was charged in 1924 for bribing a juror but acquitted. Called, “The Great Mouthpiece.” Said to be talented, vain, and flamboyant as well as drank a lot. Was very smart and eloquent but also immoral, dishonest, and self-indulgent. His 120 homicide defendants were never convicted. Married with two daughters. Wore exquisitely tailored suites, had the finest silk ties, and donned no shirt more than once. Yet, left his cobbler made shoes unshined.
Ultimate Fate: Died of heart disease at the Hotel Oxford in 1927 at 40.

48. William “Wild Bill” Lovett (1894-1923)

Yes, he may have an unremarkable appearance, but he’s the famous White Hand leader known as Wild Bill Lovett who made money through dockside extortion as well had alcoholic rages that were the stuff of legend. Was shot up dead on Halloween night.

Known in Life as: Irish American gangster in early 20th century New York.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Leader of the White Hand Gang and worked with “Peg Leg” Lonergan.
Differences: Spent his childhood as a juvenile delinquent in various gangs. Served in WWI and was awarded the Distinguished Service Cross for bravery. Though well-educated and articulate, was a temperamental alcoholic who made even his own men nervous. Took control of the waterfront rackets after the death of White Hand Gang leader Dinny Meehan (and was believed to have killed him). Income came from dockside extortion, burglary and other crimes. Survived a few assassination attempts such as a stabbing and 3 shots to the chest.
Ultimate Fate: Upon his 1923 marriage to Lonergan’s sister, he swore to give up criminal rackets and drinking. Turned power to his brother-in-law and was safe for 3 months, but was up to his old ways and his wife refused to take him back. Beaten and shot up near a store on Halloween night (most likely by Irish gangsters) after leaving a bar drunk. He was 29.

49. Edward I. Edwards (1863-1931)

Edward I. Edwards was governor of New Jersey during the early 1920s and US Senator from 1923-1929. Didn’t have it so good after politics since he went broke and later killed himself. Nevertheless, he seems to be a rather distinguished man.

Known in Life as: Governor of New Jersey from 1920-1923 and US Senator from 1923-1929.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Frank Hague was one of his allies (they’d soon have a falling out).
Differences: Had dark hair even in the 1920s. Married with 2 kids. Studied law in his brother’s office and engaged in the banking and construction businesses. Went broke with the Wall Street crash of 1929 and was implicated in an election fraud scandal.
Ultimate Fate: Was diagnosed with skin cancer and shot himself in 1931. He was 67.

50. James Scott (1885-1938)

James Scott was one of the premiere African American ragtime composers in the early 20th century. A lot of his compositions were used as accompaniment in silent movies and his fortunes went in decline when talkies came around. Still, he has a rather nice hat and suit.

Known in Life as: African American ragtime composer. Regarded as one of the three most important composers of ragtime music along with Scott Joplin and Joseph Lamb.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Wearing a hat was a trademark of his.
Differences: Born in Missouri and son of former slaves. Worked in a music store in 1902 and wrote his first composition compilation in 1903. A lot of his pieces were used to accompany silent movies.
Ultimate Fate: After his wife died and the coming of sound in movies, his fortunes and health deteriorated. Published nothing after 1902. Died in Kansas City, Missouri in 1938 at 53.

51. Harry Bacharach (1873-1947)
Known in Life as: Mayor of Atlantic City for 6 months in 1912, from 1916-1920, and 1930-1935. Also served as city commissioner.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Well, he was mayor in 1920 but there’s not much on him.
Differences: Tried for election fraud in 1914 for the 1910 mayoral election. Had a Negro League Baseball team named after him called the Bacharach Giants. Him and brother Isaac founded the Betty Bacharach Home for Afflicted Children in honor of their mom in 1924 which cared for kids with polio.
Ultimate Fate: Died in Atlantic City in 1947 at 74.

52. Richard “Peg Leg” Lonegran (1900-1925)

Peg Leg Lonergan may have lost a leg in a trolley accident. Yet, he achieve distinction as the last boss of the White Hand Gang in New York as well as known to be a vicious street brawler and hater of Italians. Killed on Christmas 1925.

Known in Life as: Irish American gangster, labor racketeer, and final leader of the White Hand Gang. Led a 2 year campaign against Frankie Yale over the New York waterfront.
Character or Inspiration? He’s a character on the show.
Similarities: Associated with the White Hand Gang and friend of Bill Lovett.
Differences: Was one 15 kids and son of a prizefighter and bare knuckle boxer named John Lonergan. Lost his right leg in a trolley car incident. Childhood friend of Bill Lovett. Believed to have been involved in at least a dozen murders during his career as well as had a reputation as a vicious street brawler. Said to hate Italians
Ultimate Fate: He and his 5 lieutenants were killed in South Brooklyn during a Christmas Day celebration at the Adonis Social Club in 1925. He was 25. Murder has been attributed to Capone but remains unsolved. White Hand Gang disappeared from the New York waterfront which allowed Frankie Yale and eventually the Five Families to take control.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Yearly Archives: 2014

Bad Movie Husbands/Boyfriends

The Wonderful World of Playgrounds

Halloween Candy Trick or Treaters Don’t Want

The Wonderful World of Halloween Pumpkin Carving

Aztec Mythology Reexamined: The Gods

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Second Edition)

Greek Mythology Reexamined: Minor Deities, Protogenoi, and Titans

Halloween Decorating Do’s and Don’ts

The Real People of Boardwalk Empire: Part 5 – Mae Coughlin Capone to Owney Madden

The Real People of Boardwalk Empire: Part 4 – Nan Britton to Richard “Peg Leg” Lonergan