God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen on These Christmas Treats

christmas_table_decoration

So far I’ve basically made fun of Christmas with horrible vintage ads, inflatables designers didn’t think through, sketchy Santas, and elves on the shelf doing very naughty things. However, this post be a hiatus from all the kitsch I featured so far for this treat article since I did a couple similar ones with Thanksgiving and Halloween (latter out of my mom’s suggestion and former just out of simply plain boredom that I couldn’t do much else). Still, as you know, like Thanksgiving, Christmas is a very big holiday for food, especially when it comes to candy and desserts. So much so that in fact, a lot of New Year’s resolutions are devoted to losing weight and January advertising features a lot of fitness stuff. Still, a lot Christmas dinner scenes are just loaded with food of almost every type imaginable that starting a diet on this time of year is impossible often brought by relatives charged with bringing something. Yet, sometimes it’s hard for people to bring a Christmas dish especially if their item wasn’t specified (though it usually is). However, we do have many items featured on the Christmas table like figgy pudding, candy canes, gingerbread cookies, and eggnog. Nevertheless, for those who want to be creative, here are plenty of dishes you may find to your liking whether it be for appetizers, salads, or desserts. So without further adieu, here are some great treats for those who want to put the festive spirit in this Christmas season.

1. For a great stocking stuffer, I’m sure a candy cane Rudolph would suit your fancy.

I'm sure reindeer don't have red and white striped antlers. But still, very easy to make and I'm sure the kids will love it.

I’m sure reindeer don’t have red and white striped antlers. But still, very easy to make and I’m sure the kids will love it.

2. For your veggie platter why don’t go with broccoli Christmas tree decorated with peppers and cherry tomatoes?

Now I'm sure if you also include celery and carrots, I don't think this design will work out for you. Still, very easy to make since it only requires 3 ingredients.

Now I’m sure if you also include celery and carrots, I don’t think this design will work out for you. Still, very easy to make since it only requires 3 ingredients.

3. Start Christmas morning out with a Christmas tree made out of sticky buns.

I know that cinnamon rolls aren't that good for you but what the hell, give yourself a break for the holidays. Hey, I'll take one.

I know that cinnamon rolls aren’t that good for you but what the hell, give yourself a break for the holidays. Hey, I’ll take one.

4. Instead of making conventional Christmas cookies, perhaps consider making cookies of ugly sweaters.

This goes particularly well if you have to go to an ugly sweater party. Still, I wonder who sells sweater cookie cutters?

This goes particularly well if you have to go to an ugly sweater party. Still, I wonder who sells sweater cookie cutters?

5. For dessert, take a bite out of these Christmas tree cupcakes.

Don't worry, health nuts, those Christmas trees are actually strawberrys covered with a lot of icing. So these aren't totally bad for you.

Don’t worry, health nuts, those Christmas trees are actually strawberries covered with a lot of icing. So these aren’t totally bad for you.

6. Take a bite out of this Christmas cornflake wreath.

 Okay, so maybe cornflakes don't do well against green dye. Yet, they do bring a leafy feel to it.


Okay, so maybe cornflakes don’t do well against green dye. Yet, they do bring a leafy feel to it. Yet, I can’t say whether this one is actually good for you or not.

7. Get in the festive Christmas spirit with these ornament cake balls.

Now the most complicated thing about this is making the cake batter and balls. You can just add the Reese cups and Twizzlers later.

Now the most complicated thing about this is making the cake batter and balls. You can just add the Reese cups and Twizzlers later.

8. For lunch, perhaps a Christmas wreath candle cheese pizza is one that Wallace and Gromit would love.

Boy, this pizza uses a lot of cheese. Yet, I wouldn't recommend this for the lactose intolerant or those with high cholesterol.

Boy, this pizza uses a lot of cheese. Yet, I wouldn’t recommend this for the lactose intolerant or those with high cholesterol.

9. With pretzels, white chocolate, and Twizzlers, you can make your own Christmas wreath snacks.

Seems like white chocolate and Twizzlers can hold almost anything together. However, I wouldn't recommend pretzel wreaths as a stuffing stuffer. They may be too delicate.

Seems like white chocolate and Twizzlers can hold almost anything together. However, I wouldn’t recommend pretzel wreaths as a stuffing stuffer. They may be too delicate.

10. Bring a little cuteness into your life with these penguin Oreos.

Maybe penguins have nothing to do with Christmas, but hey, I'll eat one of these. Also, who can't resist penguins?

Maybe penguins have nothing to do with Christmas, but hey, I’ll eat one of these. Also, who can’t resist these cute little penguins?

11. For a healthy snack for the kids, I’m sure these bread creations of Frosty, Santa, and Rudolph.

Of course, while Santa and Rudolph's noses are from cherry tomatoes, Frosty's eyes and mouth are made from blueberries and his body is made from strawberries. Santa might also have a strawberry hat while Rudolph has kielbasa antlers.

Of course, while Santa and Rudolph’s noses are from cherry tomatoes, Frosty’s eyes and mouth are made from blueberries and his body is made from strawberries. Santa might also have a strawberry hat while Rudolph has kielbasa antlers.

12. For lunch, you might want to grab some of this Christmas tree veggie pizza.

This is made from either bread or pizza dough spread over with cream cheese as well as topped with carrots, cherry tomatoes, yellow peppers, and broccoli. Still, it's a healthier option than the cheese candle wreath one. Yet, won't satisfy vegans.

This is made from either bread or pizza dough spread over with cream cheese as well as topped with carrots, cherry tomatoes, yellow peppers, and broccoli. Still, it’s a healthier option than the cheese candle wreath one. Yet, won’t satisfy vegans.

13. Fruit lovers would love this candy cane made from strawberries and bananas.

Of course, if you want the peppermint freshness of the candy cane, this treat isn't for you.

Of course, if you want the peppermint freshness of the candy cane, this treat isn’t for you.

14. For the meat lover, here’s a wreath of mini sausage wraps.

Of course, this isn't one of the more healthier wreaths here. But at least it brings in the festive spirit of Christmas.

Of course, this isn’t one of the more healthier wreaths here. But at least it brings in the festive spirit of Christmas.

15. For winter fun, consider making Christmas cookies of ice skates with mini candy canes on them.

Hey, I'm still going to post cookies on here. Yet, you have to appreciate the creative aptitude on this person's part.

Hey, I’m still going to post cookies on here. Yet, you have to appreciate the creative aptitude on this person’s part. Who knew candy cans can be used for ice skates?

16. Broccoli and cherry tomatoes are all this Christmas wreath veggie platter needs.

While this is the best food Christmas wreath by far, this doesn't exhibit a lot of vegetable variety. Also, the center lacks dip.

While this is the best food Christmas wreath by far, this doesn’t exhibit a lot of vegetable variety. Also, the center lacks dip.

17. Grace your Christmas party appetizers with this Christmas tree cheese platter.

Of course, this platter shows about 4 kinds of cheese and cherry tomatoes. Still, has a lot of color to it if you know what I mean.

Of course, this platter shows about 4 kinds of cheese and cherry tomatoes. Still, has a lot of color to it if you know what I mean.

18. Get in the festive spirit with this giant candy cane cake.

If you love Christmas like I do and have a taste in fresh baked Danishes, than this cake is for you. Seriously, it looks like a giant candy cane sticky bun.

If you love Christmas like I do and have a taste in fresh baked Danishes, than this cake is for you. Seriously, it looks like a giant candy cane sticky bun.

19. Nothing makes a better dessert for Christmas than this wreath of chocolate fudge.

If this dish was featured at my family's Christmas celebration, I would have a very hard time controlling how much I got. Boy, talk about death by chocolate, indeed.

If this dish was featured at my family’s Christmas celebration, I would have a very hard time controlling how much I got. Boy, talk about death by chocolate, indeed.

20. Wow your Christmas dessert table with this jelly bean covered cupcake Christmas wreath.

I'm no fan of jelly beans but I have to admit, they do make good edible food decorations. But their taste is another matter.

I’m no fan of jelly beans but I have to admit, they do make good edible food decorations. But their taste is another matter.

21. Bring the joys of winter into your life with these flower covered snowmen.

Of course, these snowmen almost look real except that they're made from dough. Yet, I'm sure you can't really eat the arms though or else have your cheeks pierced.

Of course, these snowmen almost look real except that they’re made from dough. Yet, I’m sure you can’t really eat the arms though or else have your cheeks pierced.

22. Now these Santa crackers sure make a great snack idea.

Now I'm sure these are from Ritz crackers that contain cream cheese from a tube, celery, black olive bits, and pepperoni. Still, they are quite cute if you know what I mean.

Now I’m sure these are from Ritz crackers that contain cream cheese from a tube, celery, black olive bits, and pepperoni. Still, they are quite cute if you know what I mean.

23. Of course, you can’t forget these potato made Christmas trees.

Sure they may not be green but they sure do resemble Christmas trees. Besides, I'll have a few of these.

Sure they may not be green but they sure do resemble Christmas trees. Besides, I’ll have a few of these.

24. For healthy snacks, I’m sure such cream cheese covered bread is the thing for you.

Now these are topped with long green onions and red bell peppers. Then again, I really don't know what those green things are anyway.

Now these are topped with long green onions and red bell peppers. Then again, I really don’t know what those green things are anyway for they could be a lot of things.

25. Make your kids’ Christmas special with these olive and cheese penguins with cherry tomato hats.

Now these are simply adorable despite that penguins actually live in the Southern Hemisphere (not just Antarctica). Still, nobody could resist these cuties.

Now these are simply adorable despite that penguins actually live in the Southern Hemisphere (not just Antarctica). Still, nobody could resist these cuties.

26. As a party dessert, I’m sure these Santa hat pretzels will do quite nicely.

Now these are so cute and seem so easy to make. Man, the wonders you can make with pretzels.

Now these are so cute and seem so easy to make. Man, the wonders you can make with pretzels. Also, love how they use mini marshmallows as the pom pom on the end.

27. As snowman melt with rising temperatures, these melting snowmen cookies will melt in your mouth.

Have to hand it to the person who thought of this. I mean I've never seemed these kind of cookies before. Yet, I don't understand while some of them are smiling despite melting their way out of existence.

Have to hand it to the person who thought of this. I mean I’ve never seemed these kind of cookies before. Yet, I don’t understand while some of them are smiling despite melting their way out of existence.

28. Grace your appetizer table with this Frosty the Snowman cheese ball or balls.

Seems like you can also do a lot with cream cheese as well over the holidays. Still, I'm sure he'll have a lot of Ritz crackers dipped into him by the end of the night.

Seems like you can also do a lot with cream cheese as well over the holidays. Still, I’m sure he’ll have a lot of Ritz crackers dipped into him by the end of the night.

29. If you don’t like the ornament cupcakes, may I suggest ornament popcorn balls with candy cane hooks?

Now I also like how Christmas M&M's are used to decorate these as well. Yet, I'm sure chocolate haters won't like these either.

Now I also like how Christmas M&M’s are used to decorate these as well. Yet, I’m sure chocolate haters won’t like these either.

30. Deck the halls with these Christmas tree brownies.

Now these make a wonderful edition to any Christmas dessert platter. Still, no two of these brownies are alike if you know what I mean. Also, I would have a hard time resisting these treats as well.

Now these make a wonderful edition to any Christmas dessert platter. Still, no two of these brownies are alike if you know what I mean. Also, I would have a hard time resisting these treats as well.

31. Nothing makes a great lunch than this Christmas tree pizza.

Of course, this person forgot to use pesto as a sauce. Then again, there's a specific process to making pesto. Yet, still very ornate.

Of course, this person forgot to use pesto as a sauce. Then again, there’s a specific process to making pesto. Yet, still very ornate.

32. I’m sure these Rice Krispie wreaths will bring joy to any child on Christmas.

You won't believe how many stuff I've seen made from marshmallows and Rice Krispies. These are among the very best, especially since they're dye green.

You won’t believe how many stuff I’ve seen made from marshmallows and Rice Krispies. These are among the very best, especially since they’re dye green.

33. With some Twizzlers and frosting decoration, you can adorn this lovely large candy cane Rice Krispie treat.

Of course, this treat is one of these you may have to cut for the kids. Yet, it's a great marvel of Rice Krispy ingenuity.

Of course, this treat is one of these you may have to cut for the kids. Yet, it’s a great marvel of Rice Krispie ingenuity.

34. For those who like veggies, try these pepper and cucumber wreaths.

Now these are very adorable. However, I'm not sure if vegans would love them. Still, I'm sure they're relatively easy to make.

Now these are very adorable. However, I’m not sure if vegans would love them. Still, I’m sure they’re relatively easy to make.

35. I’m sure kids will delight in these cute Christmas cupcakes.

The cupcake with Santa being stuck in the chimney is especially hilarious. Still, why does the cake ball in the middle have eyes? Seriously, why?

The cupcake with Santa being stuck in the chimney is especially hilarious. Still, why does the cake ball in the middle have eyes? Seriously, why?

36. What better holiday treat for adults than snowmen made of hardboiled eggs?

Now I'm sure the eyes and buttons are made from peppercorns. Still, these are adorable though your kids may not like them.

Now I’m sure the eyes and buttons are made from peppercorns. Still, these are adorable though your kids may not like them.

37. This peanut butter reindeer sandwich will make a great lunch for the kids.

Cute to add the pretzel antlers, the raisin eyes, and the red cherry tomato nose. Still, the kids would love this.

Cute to add the pretzel antlers, the raisin eyes, and the red cherry tomato nose. Still, the kids would love this.

38. Now sandwiches are easy to serve this Christmas with this sandwich wreath.

Now this wreath can use some more parsley. Actually a lot more parsley. Yet, you need to see the sandwiches which I think are basically made from melted cheese and whole wheat bread.

Now this wreath can use some more parsley. Actually a lot more parsley. Yet, you need to see the sandwiches which I think are basically made from melted cheese and whole wheat bread.

39. With marshmallows, chocolate, and thin mints (it seems) these little snowman hats would sure delight.

These are simply adorable. Now if only if they had actual snowmen to wear them. Then again, how do we make them?

These are simply adorable. Now if only if they had actual snowmen to wear them. Then again, how do we make them?

40. Nothing graces the Christmas table than a yule log cake.

This cake is from a restaurant. Still, seems like Santa is making his rounds in California's Redwood Forest.

This cake is from a restaurant. Still, seems like Santa is making his rounds in California’s Redwood Forest. Still, what’s with the Christmas tree?

41. This fruitcake brownie is sure better than the real thing.

Of course, gum drops may not be the best but at least the brownie part is tasty. After all, who doesn't love brownies?

Of course, gum drops may not be the best but at least the brownie part is tasty. After all, who doesn’t love brownies?

42. We’ve all heard of gingerbread men and ginger bread houses. So why not a gingerbread Christmas tree?

Sure it takes a whole plate and has a bunch of cookies stacked together. But hey, it has to be good.

Sure it takes a whole plate and has a bunch of cookies stacked together. But hey, it has to be good. I also love the frosting.

43. Surely, I hope that some kids take to these Rudolph cake pops.

Sure they may not be the healthiest treats, but they're still pretty cute if you know what I mean.

Sure they may not be the healthiest treats, but they’re still pretty cute if you know what I mean. Still, these use straws.

44. While we have fruit and Rice Krispy candy canes, we also have pizza ones, too.

I like how the white parts are covered with cheese and how the red part has tomato sauce.

I like how the white parts are covered with cheese and how the red part has tomato sauce. Still, I’m sure you can only have the cheese version and they’re whole wheat, too.

45. Have hotdogs? Then make these hotdog stockings on a stick.

Now these are probably made from mini hotdogs. I'm sure regular ones would be cut in smaller sections.

Now these are probably made from mini hotdogs. I’m sure regular ones would be cut in smaller sections.

46. I introduce you to Frosty the Snowman cheese pizza.

Now this is perhaps the only snowman to be exposed to over 100 degrees and still survive. Still, must be tasty.

Now this is perhaps the only snowman to be exposed to over 100 degrees and still survive. Still, must be tasty.

47. Melt a girl’s heart with these lovely heart shaped candy cane treats.

Because one of the best ways through a girl's heart is through cooking and chocolate. This especially goes for chocolate. Remember that, fellas.

Because one of the best ways through a girl’s heart is through cooking and chocolate. This especially goes for chocolate. Remember that, fellas.

48. Have a frosty Christmas with this snowman ice cream treat.

Like snowmen, these treats also need to be refrigerated. Yet, I also hear they taste delicious.

Like snowmen, these treats also need to be refrigerated. Yet, I also hear they taste delicious. Nevertheless, so cute with those chocolate chip eyes.

49. Grace your dessert platter with this cookie wreath.

And I see that these cookies are holly leaves covered with green frosting. Man, I have a lot of wreaths on this post.

And I see that these cookies are holly leaves covered with green frosting. Man, I have a lot of wreaths on this post.

50. Deck the halls with these Rice Krispie treat lights.

Now these Rice Krispy Christmas lights are strung by Twizzlers. Man, Twizzlers is used in a lot of things here.

Now these Rice Krispy Christmas lights are strung by Twizzlers. Man, Twizzlers is used in a lot of things here.

51. Make your Christmas simply heaven with this Christmas tree made from Rocky Road ice cream.

I'm sure this tree doesn't just consist of one serving size if it's as big as I think it is.

I’m sure this tree doesn’t just consist of one serving size if it’s as big as I think it is. Yet, sure looks good.

52. If you want your penguins with a soft and gooey marshmallow center, this is the treat for you.

Of course, this is a nice creative Christmas treat that your kids would certainly love. Also, it's very adorable in chocolate and Oreo cream.

Of course, this is a nice creative Christmas treat that your kids would certainly love. Also, it’s very adorable in chocolate and Oreo cream.

53. Make this Christmas a healthy one with this wreath veggie pizza.

Now this pizza makes a very colorful wreath I'm sure your family will love, once they get past the veggies that is.

Now this pizza makes a very colorful wreath I’m sure your family will love, once they get past the veggies that is. Oh, and it actually has pesto on it.

54. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a Christmas tree of spiced buns you can dip in tomato sauce.

Now I'm sure these buns taste really good. If I came across them, then I don't know if I could resist overindulging myself.

Now I’m sure these buns taste really good. If I came across them, then I don’t know if I could resist overindulging myself. Unless these were made by The Olive Garden that is.

55. Serve your kids a healthy Christmas lunch with this Rudolph Sandwich.

Now this is quite clever with the strawberry nose, the pretzel ears, and the pea pod evergreen tree. Yet, I don't think kids should take this kind of lunch to school. Might ruin the effect.

Now this is quite clever with the strawberry nose, the pretzel ears, and the pea pod evergreen tree. Yet, I don’t think kids should take this kind of lunch to school. Might ruin the effect.

56. For party favors, I’m sure you can’t do anything wrong with these Santa and Christmas tree pretzel sticks.

Now I don't know about you but doesn't Santa seem a bit skinny on a pretzel stick. Then again, to each his own.

Now I don’t know about you but doesn’t Santa seem a bit skinny on a pretzel stick. Then again, to each his own.

57. Don’t have Santa cookie cutters? Maybe you should improvise with a heart shape instead.

Maybe a bit of an unconventional choice but seems to work as long as you have the hearts face backwards. Also, quite adorable.

Maybe a bit of an unconventional choice but seems to work as long as you have the hearts face backwards. Also, quite adorable.

58. Make your Christmas ugly sweater party memorable with this ugly sweater cake.

Now this is a particularly amusing cake with the wreath, ugly sweater, and lights in all. Still, really goes well with the ugly sweater cookies.

Now this is a particularly amusing cake with the wreath, ugly sweater, and lights in all. Still, really goes well with the ugly sweater cookies.

59. I’m sure everyone would think these polar bear treats as adorable.

You especially have to like their little fruit roll up scarves. Still, even if real polar bears are slowly becoming casualties of global warming (it's real, it's caused by humans, and it's a great concern) and that they resemble koalas, they're still irresistibly adorable.

You especially have to like their little fruit roll up scarves. Still, even if real polar bears are slowly becoming casualties of global warming (it’s real, it’s caused by humans, and it’s happening now as we speak) and that they resemble koalas, they’re still irresistibly adorable.

60. Nothing graces your table set like these gingerbread Christmas trees.

Now I wonder if these trees were meant to eat or are just used for decoration. Either way, they seem delicious.

Now I wonder if these trees were meant to eat or are just used for decoration. Either way, they seem delicious.

61. Reindeer cheese treats sure make healthy snacks for kids.

They also make great snacks for adults since cheese tends to go very well with wine and olives. Yet, beer goes better with pretzels, especially in October.

They also make great snacks for adults since cheese tends to go very well with wine and olives. Yet, beer goes better with pretzels, especially in October.

62. Nothing says Christmas like these adorable sugar coated snowmen on a stick.

Of course, while sugar gives these snowman sparkles, this doesn't mean it's necessarily good for you. And those dots may be stickers.

Of course, while sugar gives these snowman sparkles, this doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good for you. And those dots may be stickers.

63. For health conscious folks, I give you these fruity Santa poppers.

Like the fruit candy canes, these poppers are also made of strawberries and bananas. Yet, unlike the fruit candy canes, they also have marshmallows.

Like the fruit candy canes, these poppers are also made of strawberries and bananas. Yet, unlike the fruit candy canes, they also have marshmallows.

64. These Christmas cupcakes are just simply adorable.

Of course, we have a lovely one of Santa and one of the gingerbread man. Also, the holly one really goes well.

Of course, we have a lovely one of Santa and one of the gingerbread man. Also, the holly one really goes well.

65. A Christmas tree made out of sushi? Now I’ve seen everything.

Of course, this tree is for Japanese people with more traditional or health conscious diets. Seriously, they celebrate Christmas in Japan with KFC which is, well, basically heart disease on a plate.

Of course, this tree is for Japanese people with more traditional or health conscious diets. Seriously, they celebrate Christmas in Japan with KFC which is, well, basically heart disease on a plate.

66. Get into the spirit of Christmas with these Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer donuts.

Of course, these reindeer donuts would really make great Christmas gifts for your friendly neighborhood police officer.

Of course, these reindeer donuts would really make great Christmas gifts for your friendly neighborhood police officer.

67. Now Santa really seems to be stuck in the chimney with this cake.

Seems that Santa should've went on a diet before he decided to go down the chimney. Do you know what they used to put up in chimneys in the early 1800s, naked school aged boys.

Seems that Santa should’ve went on a diet before he decided to go down the chimney. Do you know what they used to put up in chimneys in the early 1800s? Naked school aged orphan boys.

68. Nothing encapsulates Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas, than this large cake.

Of course, this is the scene when the Grinch tries to dump the stuff at Mount Crumpitt and suddenly sees the Whos down in Whoville all singing.

Of course, this is the scene when the Grinch tries to dump the stuff at Mount Crumpitt and suddenly sees the Whos down in Whoville all singing on Christmas Day.

69. Make your own reindeer antlers from M&Ms, chocolate, and pretzel sticks.

This is perhaps the only picture in which all the ingredients are show. Still, quite easy to make, once you heat up the Dove chocolate.

This is perhaps the only picture in which all the ingredients are show. Still, quite easy to make, once you heat up the Dove chocolate.

70. Nothing says Merry Christmas than these Rice Krispy gingerbread candy houses.

They're just like regular gingerbread houses with the exception of being made from Rice Krispies, not gingerbread. Still, really adorable if you know what I mean.

They’re just like regular gingerbread houses with the exception of being made from Rice Krispies, not gingerbread. Still, really adorable if you know what I mean.

71. Tis the season for these Christmas tree cake poppers.

Now these may be made from cake but they certainly look a lot like little Christmas trees. But I bet they taste pretty good.

Now these may be made from cake but they certainly look a lot like little Christmas trees. But I bet they taste pretty good.

72. Nothing celebrates the season with these iced snowman cookie poppers.

How likely is it that those cookies under the icing are all Oreos? The answer is obvious. Still, they actually have snowman faces.

How likely is it that those cookies under the icing are all Oreos? The answer is obvious. Still, they actually have snowman faces.

73. These Santa hat cake poppers certainly fit well in a box together.

I've seen a lot of these on the Internet. Still, much easier than Christmas tree poppers and much more popular, too.

I’ve seen a lot of these on the Internet. Still, much easier than Christmas tree poppers and much more popular, too.

74. I’m sure that your kids will fall in love with these reindeer poppers, especially Rudolph.

Odd, seems like these pops appear to be made for Santa's sleigh team. Yet, I guess Rudolph is certainly the obvious one as well as the one the kids want the most.

Odd, seems like these pops appear to be made for Santa’s sleigh team. Yet, I guess Rudolph is certainly the obvious one as well as the one the kids want the most. Seriously, kids are suckers for Rudolph since he has his own cartoon.

75. You’ve heard of Christmas trees and Christmas cookies. So how about a Christmas cookie tree?

I'm sure that this will be the centerpiece of the dessert platter. And I also love how the cookies are have green sugar and icing on them.

I’m sure that this will be the centerpiece of the dessert platter. And I also love how the cookies are have green sugar and icing on them.

76. Celebrate the Christmas season with this cupcake Christmas tree.

I see a lot of people with green lips from all the green icing once everyone is done eating from it. Still, I totally love it though I wish the cupcakes were chocolate though.

I see a lot of people with green lips from all the green icing once everyone is done eating from it. Still, I totally love it though I wish the cupcakes were chocolate though.

77. For your Christmas party appetizers, I’m sure a cheese ball of a snowman wearing a wreath is for you.

I don't know about you, but this snowman seems to remind me of a Roman emperor. Maybe it's the wreath.

I don’t know about you, but this snowman seems to remind me of a Roman emperor. Maybe it’s the wreath.

78. Remember, for Christmas, you can use cookie cutters for your pizza dough.

Now these are Christmas mini pizzas with peppers and tomato. However, I wish I had one with pepperoni. Don't care what shape it's in.

Now these are Christmas mini pizzas with peppers and tomato. However, I wish I had one with pepperoni. Don’t care what shape it’s in.

79. For Christmas party favors, you can’t go wrong with a chocolate Rudolph.

Just make sure that none of your child guests has a peanut allergy because this treat is made from Reese's cups.

Just make sure that none of your child guests has a peanut allergy because this treat is made from Reese’s cups.

80. Nothing celebrates the season like these Christmas wreath pops.

I don't know about you but I think these wreaths aren't made from cake. Rather I think they're made from small donuts, if they came as that tiny.

I don’t know about you but I think these wreaths aren’t made from cake. Rather I think they’re made from small donuts, if they came as that tiny.

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition)

wpid-elf-on-the-shelf

A popular holiday tradition that has caught on in recent years is the Elf on the Shelf which is based on a 2005 children’s book written and published by mother and daughter Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell. The book tells of a story of how Santa Claus knows which kids are naughty or nice by sending elves to spy on children between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season. Each of these hardbound picture books come with a small soft toy in the form of a pixie scout elf so parents around the world can make this their own holiday tradition, just to make sure their kid belongs on Santa’s “nice” list. Now there are certain rules that parents and children must follow during the elf’s stay inside the home. First, it must maintain a distance and provide a watchful eye for Santa. Second, it must never move or speak while the residents are at home and awake, but can “move” from place to place when no one is around. Third, children must never touch the elf or it will lose its magic. Yeah, I know it’s stupid but what do you know? Still, while it does attract a lot of criticism from parenting experts and sometimes parents, the fact that the Internet is filled with pictures of the family’s elf getting into all kinds of hilarious mischief which got me thinking about doing a post where the Elf on the Shelf does things that would put it on the “naughty” list. Sure you’d like to think that these elves are reporting things about the kids to Santa in the evenings but you can’t really be so certain. So I ask you parents to spy on the Elf on the Shelf and use your camera and the Internet to report whenever the elf is doing something naughty. And I don’t mean the little harmless hijinks like making snow angels in flower. No, I mean stuff that could get a popular children’s show host suffer a fast and hard fall from grace like Pee Wee Herman did (like masturbating while watching a porno in a theater). So if you see your terrifying Elf on the Shelf doing any of these terrible at least PG-13 rated things, please remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline number to report it via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. So without further adieu, here’s a great treasury of Elves on the Shelf gone horribly, wildly, and inappropriately bad. Warning: most of these images aren’t for kids and may be unsafe for work.

1. Seems like Crumpet is enjoying his stay bathing with the resident Barbie dolls.

Of course, he only gets a few weeks a year to bang these Barbie bitches so Crumpet just wants to make the most of it.

Of course, he only gets a few weeks a year to bang these Barbie bitches so Crumpet just wants to make the most of it.

2. Crinkles seems to have gone gangsta.’

Crinkles didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose him. Still, he seems decked in aluminum bling with a cup and a grill to match with the watch around his neck.

Crinkles didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose him. Still, he seems decked in aluminum bling with a cup and a grill to match with the watch around his neck.

3. Mom and Dad should’ve known not to play cards for cash with Sugar Bear. Else, he’ll make them bet their car keys.

It's very unlikely that Mom's new Hyundai Elantra and Dad's Toyota Truck will never be seen again after this Christmas Eve. Still, I kind of suspect that Sugar Bear might be cheating or counting cards.

It’s very unlikely that Mom’s new Hyundai Elantra and Dad’s Toyota Truck will never be seen again after this Christmas Eve. Still, I kind of suspect that Sugar Bear might be cheating or counting cards.

4. Things are about to get frisky between Dangles and Barbie in her pink Malibu SUV she always lets him drive.

Looks like Dangles is going to get in deep trouble once Ken finds out that he's screwing his girlfriend. Still, at least he wasn't with GI Joe's main squeeze. Now that's a doll you don't want to mess with.

Looks like Dangles is going to get in deep trouble once Ken finds out that he’s screwing his girlfriend. Still, at least he wasn’t with GI Joe’s main squeeze. Now that’s a doll you don’t want to mess with.

5. For Kringles, Monday night is Hustler night. It’s just a question what he’s in the mood for.

Let's hope that Johnny's parents don't catch Kringles masturbating in the middle of the night. He'll never be an Elf on the Shelf next year if he's caught doing a Pee Wee Herman, again.

Let’s hope that Johnny’s parents don’t catch Kringles masturbating in the middle of the night. He’ll never be an Elf on the Shelf next year if he’s caught doing a Pee Wee Herman, again.

6. “Okay, Pattykins, chug that Budlight on the count of three. One, two, three, chug!”

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls' bikini party.

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls’ all night bikini party.

7. Looks like Sourball has spent all the DeLazzaros’ money on Powerball tickets.Too bad he hasn’t won yet.

Still, little did Sourball take in mind is that you have less of a chance winning the lottery than being hit by a meteor. I'd also say that winning odds are similar with the Powerball as well.

Still, little did Sourball take in mind is that you have less of a chance winning the lottery than being hit by a meteor. I’d also say that winning odds are similar with the Powerball as well.

8. For dinner, Shrimpy is planning on serving oven baked Smurfs tonight.

Of course, for his oven baked Smurfs entree in the toaster oven, Shrimpy will be assisted by traitorous Smurf Chef, "Cannibal."

Of course, for his oven baked Smurfs entree in the toaster oven, Shrimpy will be assisted by traitorous Smurf Chef, “Cannibal.”

9. “You came in like a wrecking ball….”

I'm sure this rendition of the popular Miley Cyrus music video as well as hit song will not sit well with Santa at the North Pole at all.

I’m sure this rendition of the popular Miley Cyrus music video as well as hit song will not sit well with Santa at the North Pole at all.

10. Here’s Dingleberry pictured playing his favorite video game, Grand Theft Auto IV.

I don't know about you but shouldn't anyone be concerned whenever there's an Elf on the Shelf who enjoys graphically violent and possibly pornographic video games? Seriously, think of the children here.

I don’t know about you but shouldn’t anyone be concerned whenever there’s an Elf on the Shelf who enjoys graphically violent and possibly pornographic video games? Seriously, think of the children here.

11. “Do you want to slay a snowman? I’m sure it’s fun to do.”

Missy's latest homicidal rampage on snowmen might be the last straw for Santa if he receives word of it at the North Pole. Yes, this girl's very vicious with a gun and a sword.

Missy’s latest homicidal rampage on snowmen might be the last straw for Santa if he receives word of it at the North Pole. Yes, this girl’s very vicious with a gun and a sword.

12. It’s time for you to die, Dinkystinks, and fall victim to my dark passenger.

Looks like Dexter won't show any mercy to even serial killing Elves on the Shelf. This is especially true if he's known to kill three Barbie doll hookers, Dora the Explorer, and Cinderella. Yes, this is one sick elf.

Looks like Dexter won’t show any mercy to even serial killing Elves on the Shelf. This is especially true if he’s known to kill three Barbie doll hookers, Dora the Explorer, and Cinderella. Yes, this is one sick elf.

13. Seems like Gingy joined up with Justin Timberlake so they could present their lady friends with a “dick in a box.”

Men, I know this comes from an SNL sketch and sometimes don't put a lot of thought of getting gifts for your girlfriends. However, understand giving her your "dick in a box" is a very, very bad idea. You might want to stick to giving her something like jewelry this Christmas instead.

Men, I know this comes from an SNL sketch and sometimes don’t put a lot of thought of getting gifts for your girlfriends. However, understand giving her your “dick in a box” is a very, very bad idea. You might want to stick to giving her something like jewelry this Christmas instead.

14. Straight from the North Pole, we have Holly the Shelf Elf do her legendary yuletide pole dancing routine.

Well, Holly needs to supplement her income somehow. She can't live on the meager Elf on the Shelf salary she's been receiving and her male co-workers are paid in so much more.

Well, Holly needs to supplement her income somehow. She can’t live on the meager Elf on the Shelf salary she’s been receiving and her male co-workers are paid in so much more.

15. Just a few days more for Elsie and she’ll be off to the North Pole.

Yet, I'm not sure if Elsie's idea of relaxation method of lounging in a denim skirt and sandals while drinking Jim Beam will go well with Santa at the North Pole.

Yet, I’m not sure if Elsie’s idea of relaxation method of lounging in a denim skirt and sandals while drinking Jim Beam will go well with Santa at the North Pole.

16. Looks like Dobbie peed his own name on the little Christmas village.

Just between you and me, I'm sure the Dobby in Harry Potter is much cuter than this creepy elf. At least that Dobby didn't urinate anywhere in his masters' house as far as I know.

Just between you and me, I’m sure the Dobby in Harry Potter is much cuter than this creepy elf. At least that Dobby didn’t urinate anywhere in his masters’ house as far as I know.

17. Flickers thinks you might need some fire in your eyes.

I bet you Mrs. Fluglesburg is going to be pissed when she tries to put in her contacts in the morning. Naughty, Flickers!

I bet you Mrs. Fluglesburg is going to be pissed when she tries to put in her contacts in the morning. Naughty, Flickers!

18. Looks like Captain James T. Kirk isn’t the only guy partial to green girls.

And I see that Pringles has enough money to burn for Frankenstein's daughter's pole dancing routine. Shouldn't an Elf on the Shelf keep away from such joints?

And I see that Pringles has enough money to burn for Frankenstein’s daughter’s pole dancing routine. Shouldn’t an Elf on the Shelf keep away from such joints?

19. Seems like Snowball really likes to play with the family leg lamp.

Of course, I hope Snowball's fascination with what is better suited for a titty bar doesn't amount to anything inappropriate. Or did I say that too soon?

Of course, I hope Snowball’s fascination with what is better suited for a titty bar doesn’t amount to anything inappropriate. Or did I say that too soon?

20. Seriously, you don’t want to know what he’s doing with that toothbrush.

Oh, my God, that's really sick. Now I guess their toothbrushes are all covered in elf shit, this family might need to go to Wal Mart or Big Lots.

Oh, my God, that’s really sick. Now I guess their toothbrushes are all covered in elf shit, this family might need to go to Wal Mart or Big Lots.

21. Oh, dear, looks like Noggy just upskirted an angel.

Now Noggy isn't just in trouble with Santa and the North Pole, he'll also have to deal with the wrath of God on top of that. Really, God really doesn't take sexual harassment toward angels very lightly. And that angel will report him.

Now Noggy isn’t just in trouble with Santa and the North Pole, he’ll also have to deal with the wrath of God on top of that. Really, God really doesn’t take sexual harassment toward angels very lightly. And that angel will report him.

22. Seems like Hingle is trying to tell us something.

So when Hingle is talking about crabs, is he referring to those stuffed crabs or? Oh, my God, he didn't did he? Jesus Christ! Well, at least he's honest.

So when Hingle is talking about crabs, is he referring to those stuffed crabs or? Oh, my God, he didn’t did he? Jesus Christ! Well, at least he’s honest.

23. Man, seems like Thistlewhite is making some kind of blue candy. Oh, wait a minute!

Oh, my God, don't tell me that Thistlewhite has started his own crystal meth business! Seriously, we may need to report him for this before there's a meth problem among the toys.

Oh, my God, don’t tell me that Thistlewhite has started his own crystal meth business! Seriously, we may need to report him for this before there’s a meth problem among the toys.

24. Seems like Honey Bear has gotten in trouble with the Abominable Snowman and is being barbecued.

Seems like there will be one less Elf on the Shelf returning to the North Pole this Christmas Eve. Of course, the Abominable Snowman can't wait to eat some delicious elf ribs.

Seems like there will be one less Elf on the Shelf returning to the North Pole this Christmas Eve. Of course, the Abominable Snowman can’t wait to eat some delicious elf ribs.

25. Oh, no, seems like Glitter Bug has a paint huffing problem. Dear Lord!

Looks like we need to report this to Santa Claus. Also, that paint huffing can't be good for Glitter Bug's magic.

Looks like we need to report this to Santa Claus. Also, that paint huffing can’t be good for Glitter Bug’s magic.

26. Oh, no, looks like Plinker has been sentenced to firing squad.

Either Plinker did something really bad or the Overly house is a repressive dystopian toy dictatorship. Man, wouldn't want to go there.

Either Plinker did something really bad or the Overly house is a repressive dystopian toy dictatorship. Man, wouldn’t want to go there.

27. Of course, if reindeer games amounted to stuff like this, maybe Rudolph was lucky.

Well, I know this reindeer is just a figurine, but I can't help suspecting this elf for bestiality. Still, Santa won't be happy about this.

Well, I know this reindeer is just a figurine, but I can’t help suspecting this elf for bestiality. Still, Santa won’t be happy about this.

28. Looks like Clinker is having a really wild life with a ballerina doll as far as I can see.

Still, let's hope that this was consensual and neither regret it in the morning. Still, they're drinking very strong stuff and will probably have massive hangovers when they wake up.

Still, let’s hope that this was consensual and neither regret it in the morning. Still, they’re drinking very strong stuff and will probably have massive hangovers when they wake up.

29. Looks like Blinker was arrested in a domestic dispute with Barbie. Luckily the action figure police was there.

Let's hope that he didn't do anything to Barbie and that Ken doesn't find out. Man, Blinker must be one very bad elf.

Let’s hope that he didn’t do anything to Barbie and that Ken doesn’t find out. Man, Blinker must be one very bad elf.

30. “Shut up, and give me all you got before I stab you!”

Did Tingles just rob a gas station convenience store? Let's just say he's not coming back to the Fosters' house after this year.

Did Tingles just rob a gas station convenience store? Let’s just say he’s not coming back to the Fosters’ house after this year.

31. “Quick, give him some oxygen, we’re losing him, I tell you!”

Man, seems like spending all night at raves really caught up to Charlie. Man, I love how Mrs. Tyler used her old breast pump as an oxygen mask.

Man, seems like spending all night at raves really caught up to Charlie. Man, I love how Mrs. Tyler used her old breast pump as an oxygen mask.

32. At least he found a toilet to puke in.

This all night drinking and partying doesn't seem to get Flinker on Santa's "nice" list. In fact, he may not return from the North Pole after this.

This all night drinking and partying doesn’t seem to get Flinker on Santa’s “nice” list. In fact, he may not return from the North Pole after this.

33. “I’m sure Frosty won’t suffer…..much.” (giggles)

Looks like Glingle might be exhibiting signs of being a possible psychopath or sociopath. Nevertheless, Glingle is evil.

Looks like Glingle might be exhibiting signs of being a possible psychopath or sociopath. Nevertheless, Glingle is evil.

34. Welcome to the annual Reindeer Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Of course, I'm sure Team Shelf Elf will kill a lot of the other North Pole Tributes with Katniskle's bow and candy canes.

Of course, I’m sure Team Shelf Elf will kill a lot of the other North Pole Tributes with Katniskle’s bow and candy canes.

35. Looks like Mickey is going to be in for a surprise when he comes home to Minnie. Let’s just say, I’d hate to see Iggie be punched by a Disney mouse.

Man, Minnie you're a very bad girl. Then again, I'm sure Mickey wouldn't be very good in bed. I mean his voice must be a major turn off. Still, it would be really funny to see an angry Mickey beat up the elf bedding Minnie.

Man, Minnie you’re a very bad girl. Then again, I’m sure Mickey wouldn’t be very good in bed. I mean his voice must be a major turn off. Still, it would be really funny to see an angry Mickey beat up the elf bedding Minnie.

36. Sleigh Bell always wants to lend a helping hand and sees nothing wrong with joining Tony Montana in their joint drug empire.

For those who've seen either the Brian DePalma or the 1933 version of Scarface, all of you should know that it won't end well for Tony Montana and Sleigh Bell.

For those who’ve seen either the Brian DePalma or the 1933 version of Scarface, all of you should know that it won’t end well for Tony Montana and Sleigh Bell.

37. Of course, since Chrissy won’t do it with him Mingles will have to take drastic action.

Oh, my God, is he sneaking a roofie in her drink? Seriously, Mingles is lucky that he's not at the North Pole right now or Santa would have his ass.

Oh, my God, is he sneaking a roofie in her drink? Seriously, Mingles is lucky that he’s not at the North Pole right now or Santa would have his ass.

38. Binky and Barbie were snorting cocaine and oh, my God, what the hell’s going on with Barbie?

Still, I'm really not sure if Binky is capable of showing any remorse for what's befallen Barbie. Hey, Binky, you're at a kid's house, not Wall Street!

Still, I’m really not sure if Binky is capable of showing any remorse for what’s befallen Barbie. Hey, Binky, you’re at a kid’s house, not Wall Street!

39. “Stop! You’re money or your life!”

Either this elf on the shelf is an Old West bandit or some 18th century highwayman. Either way, you wouldn't want to mess with him.

Either this elf on the shelf is an Old West bandit or some 18th century highwayman. Either way, you wouldn’t want to mess with him.

40. Pinky really seems to enjoy surfing online.

Unfortunately, Pinky seems on his way into developing an addiction to porn and violent video games. He needs serious therapy.

Unfortunately, Pinky seems on his way into developing an addiction to porn and violent video games. He needs serious therapy.

41. Looks like Jingles is stealing from Mr. Johnson’s wallet. I hope he’s not going to use the money for something naughty.

Oh, dear, now he has the Johnsons' cash and American Express card. Boy, the Johnsons are sure going to receive a large credit card bill once Jingles is done using it. Seems like Jingles is becoming a very expensive house guest.

Oh, dear, now he has the Johnsons’ cash and American Express card. Boy, the Johnsons are sure going to receive a large credit card bill once Jingles is done using it. Seems like Jingles is becoming a very expensive house guest.

42. Seems like Cup Cup’s drinking problem led to his North Pole termination.

Now Cup Cup is basically living on the streets sleeping under newspapers, warming himself to makeshift fires, and chugging down his Absolut Vodka.

Now Cup Cup is basically living on the streets sleeping under newspapers, warming himself to makeshift fires, and chugging down his Absolut Vodka.

43. During the holiday season at the McClanahan house, the toys all assemble for their very own Fight Club. Beginners usually have to face the elf first.

And looks like Grimble is literally kicking Ken's ass. Still, how the hell is he going to fight Thomas the Tank Engine?

And looks like Grimble is literally kicking Ken’s ass. Still, how the hell is he going to fight Thomas the Tank Engine?

44. Oh, my God, Nimble seems to have gotten hold of Mr. McGilicuddy’s gun. Hope it’s not loaded.

Okay, seems that Nimble has gone insane so before anyone gets hurt, now's the time to report him to Santa. Please do it now.

Okay, seems that Nimble has gone insane so before anyone gets hurt, now’s the time to report him to Santa. Please do it now.

45. Seems like the toys have been acting differently since Timmy arrived to the Lindauer’s home.

Of course, Timmy seems to be getting really rich off the toys money who seem to show up very high. Hope this picture is from Colorado since pot is totally legal there. I'm not sure if Santa will approve though.

Of course, Timmy seems to be getting really rich off the toys money who seem to show up very high. Hope this picture is from Colorado since pot is totally legal there. I’m not sure if Santa will approve though.

46. Of course, Numby always loves to help his family decorate for Christmas.

However, I'm not sure decorating the dog with Christmas lights is what the Griswolds have in mind. Also, it seems like Jake might be in fear of getting electrocuted. Yet, I'm not sure if he could sit still.

However, I’m not sure decorating the dog with Christmas lights is what the Griswolds have in mind. Also, it seems like Jake might be in fear of getting electrocuted. Yet, I’m not sure if he could sit still.

47. “$20 for Valium? What a bargain!”

Okay, I think Hanky may have a drug problem. Seriously, this was taken at some drug dealer's house.

Okay, I think Hanky may have a drug problem. Seriously, this was taken at some drug dealer’s house. Please report him to Santa.

48. “Okay, ladies, now I want you to make out under the mistletoe. And I want you girls to get down and dirty.”

While Freddy wasn't spying on the Parkers' kids during the holiday season, he had a side career as an amateur pornographer. And he also cast Maisie's Barbie dolls as actresses.

While Freddy wasn’t spying on the Parkers’ kids during the holiday season, he had a side career as an amateur pornographer. And he also cast Maisie’s Barbie dolls as actresses.

49. Seems like Heimel won’t be going back to the Bradfords this year. I wonder what caused Santa to fire him.

Now Heimel spends his days drinking pop, eating junk food, and watching daytime TV while wrapped in his Snuggie. Poor thing.

Now Heimel spends his days drinking pop, eating junk food, and watching daytime TV while wrapped in his Snuggie. Poor thing.

50. Looks like Ken has been very, very naughty to meet his end through the clutches of Buddy.

Oh, my God, did Ken really brutally murder all those women? Boy, at least he won't be able to kill Barbie. I didn't know he was a sick bastard.

Oh, my God, did Ken really brutally murder all those women? Boy, at least he won’t be able to kill Barbie. I didn’t know he was a sick bastard.

51. Oh, dear, seems like Twinkle Toes likes to steal money from children.

I'm sure he took much more than just  a nickel from Johnny's first piggy bank. And I thought elves were supposed to be nice to children.

I’m sure he took much more than just a nickel from Johnny’s first piggy bank. And I thought elves were supposed to be nice to children.

52. “All right, Prince, if you want to see Snow White again, bring me $100,000 ransom. If you don’t meet my demands, she’s history.”

Little did this little elf know that Snow White also lives with seven little men who would be just as pissed. Yet, at least he enlisted the cooperation of Star Wars lego minifigs.

Little did this little elf know that Snow White also lives with seven little men who would be just as pissed. Yet, at least he enlisted the cooperation of Star Wars lego minifigs.

53. Seems like Flicker is planning a big party with the toys while the Polaskys are out Christmas shopping.

Okay, but I'd be very concerned about Flicker hauling a box filled with Red Stripe and a big bottle of bourbon. Yeah, the house is going to be a mess.

Okay, but I’d be very concerned about Flicker hauling a box filled with Red Stripe and a big bottle of bourbon. Yeah, the house is going to be a mess.

54. Oh, my God, what did Ringly do with Barbie and Ken?

Looks, like he caught Barbie and Ken together and he shot them dead. Either that, or he's just one sick evil bastard elf who should be reported to Santa.

Looks, like he caught Barbie and Ken together and he shot them dead. Either that, or he’s just one sick evil bastard elf who should be reported to Santa.

55. Seems like Glitter Bell has done something naughty enough to get a mugshot.

Oh, dear, things aren't looking good for Glitter Bell aren't they? Wonder what she did to get herself in trouble like this.

Oh, dear, things aren’t looking good for Glitter Bell aren’t they? Wonder what she did to get herself in trouble like this.

56. “Here’s your change for that pack of Marlboros, so thank you and good night.”

This isn't going to sit well with Santa at all. Then again, Santa is said to smoke a pipe. Still, Yule is being very, very, naughty.

This isn’t going to sit well with Santa at all. Then again, Santa is said to smoke a pipe. Still, Yule is being very, very, naughty.

57. Sorry, Walter White, but Dinky is the one who knocks.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn't hear about this.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing artificial sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn’t hear about this.

58. Looks like Jerry loves to collect things.

Unfortunately, Jerry seems to becoming quite the hoarder. You should see his place at the North Pole.

Unfortunately, Jerry seems to becoming quite the hoarder. You should see his place at the North Pole.

59. Seems like Soapy has finally found the Bumgarners’ liquor and medicine cabinets.

So that's why the pain meds and wild turkey have been disappearing all of a sudden. Still, I think he may have a problem.

So that’s why the pain meds and wild turkey have been disappearing all of a sudden. Still, I think he may have a problem.

60. “I have your wallet now.”

Thanks to Bartilkins, Barry Madison hasn't been able to drive or buy anything again, which is quite a shame really. He has a lot of debt from his credit cards already.

Thanks to Bartilkins, Barry Madison hasn’t been able to drive or buy anything again, which is quite a shame really. He has a lot of debt from his credit cards already.

61. On second thought, maybe it was a bad idea for the Bateses to name their elf Norman.

Looks like Norman has a habit of using kitchen knives near the bath tub And since then, the family doesn't even want to step foot in the bath tub again or take a shower.

Looks like Norman has a habit of using kitchen knives near the bath tub And since then, the family doesn’t even want to step foot in the bath tub again or take a shower.

62. Seems like Bimble is in the mood for red rum as he writes on the wall.

Oh, wait a minute, I just forgot that "Red Rum" is murder spelled backwards. My mistake. Still, quite creepy.

Oh, wait a minute, I just forgot that “Red Rum” is murder spelled backwards. My mistake. Still, quite creepy.

63. So that’s how Krinkly reports back to Santa. Interesting.

Wait a minute, he's not texting to Santa. He's sexting to someone else. Boy, Krinkles seems to have some internet sexting addiction if you know what I mean. I hope the parents don't get in trouble.

Wait a minute, he’s not texting to Santa. He’s sexting to someone else. Boy, Krinkles seems to have some internet sexting addiction if you know what I mean. I hope the parents don’t get in trouble.

64. Great, Jangles just flashed at the Playmobil people.

Luckily the Playmobil wasn't on duty at the time or the elf would've been arrested for indecent exposure.

Luckily the Playmobil wasn’t on duty at the time or the elf would’ve been arrested for indecent exposure.

65. Seems like Igby really likes to work with his hands.

Unfortunately, he seems to have created some Barbie centipede which is pretty terrifying if you know what I mean. I wonder if these shelf elves have to undergo any background checks. They should.

Unfortunately, he seems to have created some Barbie centipede which is pretty terrifying if you know what I mean. I wonder if these shelf elves have to undergo any background checks. They should.

66. Oh, look, Dobbie’s written something on the eggs.

Not only does Dobbie pee on Christmas villages but he also has quite the potty mouth if you know what I mean.

Not only does Dobbie pee on Christmas villages but he also has quite the potty mouth if you know what I mean.

67. “Hello, Clarice.”

Next he'll be talking about how he ate a guy's liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti.

Next he’ll be talking about how he ate a guy’s liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti.

68. For the Fractellis, here’s your new elf on the shelf, Snooki.

Of course, we know that Snooki is fresh out of Elf on the Shelf school and ended up graduating last in her class, for obvious reasons.

Of course, we know that Snooki is fresh out of Elf on the Shelf school and ended up graduating last in her class, for obvious reasons.

69. Seems like Eddie really takes to living in a mobile RV home.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure if his living arrangement does any good for the environment. I mean dumping sewage down a storm drain is illegal as well as not a good idea.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure if his living arrangement does any good for the environment. I mean dumping sewage down a storm drain is illegal as well as not a good idea.

70. Aww, Plinko and Barbie sharing a- wait a minute, that’s twerking isn’t it?

Man, Plinko is going to get in a lot of trouble with Santa when the big guy hears about this at the North Pole. Still, great rendition of the 2013 VMAs.

Man, Plinko is going to get in a lot of trouble with Santa when the big guy hears about this at the North Pole. Still, great rendition of the 2013 VMAs.

71. Oh, my God, is Jingles planning on shooting Rudolph? Good heavens!

Yes, I know that December is deer hunting season. Yet, this doesn't mean that anyone has the right to shoot any of Santa's reindeer, especially Rudolph.

Yes, I know that December is deer hunting season. Yet, this doesn’t mean that anyone has the right to shoot any of Santa’s reindeer, especially Rudolph.

72. Man, looks like things at the North Pole aren’t going so well.

Looks like Crumpet was just arrested for taking part in his Occupy, North Pole demonstrations. Guess Santa isn't very nice after all.

Looks like Crumpet was just arrested for taking part in his Occupy, North Pole demonstrations. Guess Santa isn’t very nice after all.

73. Seems like the toys have had enough with Bimbles.

Hope that house doesn't have a child who's potty training or Bimbles is going to stink like hell. Really he'll smell like poo and pee.

Hope that house doesn’t have a child who’s potty training or Bimbles is going to stink like hell. Really he’ll smell like poo and pee from a 3-year-old.

74. Gristlekins really likes to get down and dirty with the blue girls.

Of course, perhaps he tends to be a very big fan of 50 Shades of Grey as well as very into BDSM. Yes, he likes to get kinky. But then again, not that there's anything wrong wit that.

Of course, perhaps he tends to be a very big fan of 50 Shades of Grey as well as very into BDSM. Yes, he likes to get kinky. But then again, not that there’s anything wrong wit that.

75. “Quick, get the defibrillator. I think we may be losing him.”

Oh, my God, guess a life of hard living eventually caught up with Puddy. Seems like he won't be going to the North Pole on Christmas Eve this year.

Oh, my God, guess a life of hard living eventually caught up with Puddy. Seems like he won’t be going to the North Pole on Christmas Eve this year.

76. All Frankie needs are his cigarette, a bottle of Absolut, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I hate to say this but it looks like Frankie has a bit of a drinking problem. I wonder if the North Pole has AA, rehab, or the 12-step programs? I mean Frankie will hit rock bottom before he knows it.

I hate to say this but it looks like Frankie has a bit of a drinking problem. I wonder if the North Pole has AA, rehab, or the 12-step programs? I mean Frankie will hit rock bottom before he knows it.

77. Seems like Blueball is filming his new flick, Barbies Gone Wild.

Not only that, but he's using Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins' camcorder, too. Seems like Santa won't be the only person who'll be pissed off at him.

Not only that, but he’s using Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins’ camcorder, too. Seems like Santa won’t be the only person who’ll be pissed off at him. He’ll be in a lot of trouble.

78. Oh, nice, Brimbles is having a party. Adorable.

Wait a minute, he's snorting cocaine with a Smurf and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up.

Wait a minute, he’s snorting cocaine with a Smurf Mrs. Potts, and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up. It was probably Brimbles’ idea.

79. Oh, my God! Jimbles killed Barbie!

I don't know about you but if Jimbles wants to get a good sentence, he might want to call his attorney this instant. Also, definitely not returning to the Elf on the Shelf program next year.

I don’t know about you but if Jimbles wants to get a good sentence, he might want to call his attorney this instant. Also, definitely not returning to the Elf on the Shelf program next year.

80. Seems like someone made a nice message on the fridge.

Okay, seems like Flynny may need serious counseling or else put up in a mental institution. Still, after this year, I don't think this family should do Elf on the Shelf again.

Okay, seems like Flynny may need serious counseling or else put up in a mental institution. Still, after this year, I don’t think this family should do Elf on the Shelf again.

Jolly Old Sketchy Saint Nicholas

santa-claus3

It’s always been a Christmas tradition for kids to see their local Santa Claus impersonator to request on what they want for Christmas. It’s also been a tradition that children have their picture taken with Santa as well. Still, while Santa Claus is supposed to be an old jolly bearded fat man in a red suit who’s supposed to inspire holiday cheer and adoration from children, sometimes the portrayal doesn’t go too well. Of course, there are times when people have to make do with what they got when it comes to having a Santa Claus, yet when it goes wrong, the side effects could range from unfortunate photo ops, frightened children, and the jolly Christmas icon seeming more suited for a horror movie than the festive holiday season. Nevertheless, there have been moments in which Santa doesn’t seem so nice and it’s the sketchy Santas I’ll show you in this post. So without further adieu, I present a treasury of Santas whose laps nobody would want to sit on. Some of these may not be safe for work.

1. Looks like Santa Claus has been drained of the spirit of Christmas.

"Yes, I get that you'd want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I've seen today. And for God's sake can't you just take the picture to get it over with? I'm holding a screaming kid in my arms."

“Yes, I get that you’d want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I’ve seen today. And for God’s sake can’t you just take the picture to get it over with? I’m holding a screaming kid in my arms.”

2. Someone doesn’t feel jolly this holiday season and I don’t think it’s the kid.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho" before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho” before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

3. Seems like Punisher Santa doesn’t really understand children.

"So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain't my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!"

“So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain’t my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!”

4. While the baby doesn’t seem to be too upset, I’d be scared to death if this Santa was posing with my baby.

Yes, I'm sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus' next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

Yes, I’m sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus’ next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

5. “Why, Johnny, that’s an interesting balloon you have, I wonder if that’s a present for your parents. And I’m sure I wouldn’t put it between your legs if I were you.”

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there's something rather inappropriate about it. And I don't think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there’s something rather inappropriate about it. And I don’t think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

6. Nothing turns off anyone more than the presence of a Santa Claus in his underwear.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

7. Take it easy on him, kids, since Santa’s been implicated in some barroom brawl the night before and hasn’t been feeling himself lately.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

8. Now I know he’s supposed to be Santa Claus but his face kind of reminds me of Old Man Winter.

"Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I'm done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season. Ho, ho, ho."

“Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I’m done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season.

9. Santa shares a photo op with a couple of kids and Beppo the clown.

Seems like Santa doesn't enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I'm sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

Seems like Santa doesn’t enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I’m sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

10. I can’t tell whether Santa is a bit peeved by getting squashed by two ladies on his lap or thrilled to death for the same thing.

"Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year."

“Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year.”

11. Looks like the boss had Vinnie play Santa for the annual Christmas party on behalf of the Family’s kids.

"Man, when Don Vito said he'll make me an offer I can't refuse, I didn't mean it would amount to posing with his kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this."

“Man, when Don Vito said he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse, I didn’t mean it would amount to posing with his bratty kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this. Then again, maybe I should’ve refused the offer.”

12. Since Santa couldn’t make it today, I’m sure the evil Saruman from Isengard will make a good substitute. I mean he has a white beard doesn’t he?

"I think I'll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I'm sure the other one won't miss her sister that much."

“I think I’ll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I’m sure the other one won’t miss her sister that much.”

13. “Well, how would you feel if you had to spend once a year breaking into people’s houses through their chimneys just to leave something nice for their kids?”

Of course, I'm sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people's roofs.

Of course, I’m sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people’s roofs.

14. Here’s Santa Claus sitting with what appears to be Rhoda Penmark. You know the girl who killed that boy over not getting the Penmanship Award on a field trip.

"Of course, I see you when you're sleeping and know when you're awake. Also, I know you've been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo."

“Of course, I see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake. Also, I know you’ve been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo.”

15. “I have you now, my pretty, and I could’ve gotten your little dog, too. But the mall doesn’t allow pets.”

"So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don't pay for themselves."

“So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and a T-bone steak near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don’t pay for themselves.”

16. “Did this girl just pee on my knee?”

"Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids."

“Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids.”

17. “I’ll just stick my hand right there for safety-sake, Bobby… Ol’ Santa wouldn’t want ya slippin’ of his lap, now would he?”

Hey, Santa, you aren't supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won't see that Santa again because I'm sure those parents complained.

Hey, Santa, you aren’t supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won’t see that Santa again because I’m sure those parents complained. Yet, this poor boy is scarred for life.

18. Zombie Santa Claus seems very hungry for little kids’ brains. Sadly, Ritchie would never be seen again after this picture was taken.

"Mommy, don't let him take me! He's dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!" But Ritchie's mom just wouldn't listen.

“Mommy, don’t let him take me! He’s dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!” But Ritchie’s mom just wouldn’t listen.

19. Yes, Santa Claus gives toys for the good girls and boys but he will come back for their souls later.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

20. Seems like it’s Christmas in Disneyland.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa's about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa’s about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

21. Now here’s Saint Nicholas with three of his helpers. Hey, wait a minute, those aren’t elves!

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn't recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn’t recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

22. While you want your kid’s first visit with Santa to be memorable, make sure it doesn’t traumatize them for life.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

23. “Come sit on Santa’s lap. I have candy canes.”

"Mommy, please don't let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It's not funny, Mommy."

“Mommy, please don’t let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It’s not funny, Mommy. I’m serious, Mommy.”

24. Looks like eye shadowed Santa has a gift for all the kids who sit on his lap.

"And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary?"

“And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary? Also, can you please give Daddy a pair of wifebeaters?”

25. While he’s on break, Santa Claus likes to strum his guitar and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Of course, who would've thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he'll probably be totally wasted once he's back to work.

Of course, who would’ve thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he’ll probably be totally wasted once he’s back to work.

26. Of course, this is what you get when you hire the homeless guy outside a Kmart to play Santa Claus.

And from how that baby's acting up, I'm sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn't have to grow a beard.

And from how that baby’s acting up, I’m sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn’t have to grow a beard.

27. “Oh, Ms Tammy! Those the set I brought ya last year? How ’bout Ol’ Santa brings you a nice shiny pole to go along with’em!?!?!?”

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he's not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he’s not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

28. Creepy Ghost Santa said, “So, Sally, what would you like for Christmas this year? Oh, wait a minute, you probably already answered that question in your nightmares.” Of course, this was right before he chopped her with an axe.

From Neatorama: "This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying."

From Neatorama: “This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying.”

29. Only in an adult club could a guy sit on Santa’s lap wearing a speedo and holding a tenor saxophone.

Santa Claus: "Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to doing it next year."

Santa Claus: “Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to putting the red suit on next year.”

30. “Looks like the Valium is about to kick in at any moment…..right about now.”

"Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz."

“Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz.”

31. “Ewww, Santa’s breath smells like our drunk Uncle Harry during a bender.”

"Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast."

“Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast. It’s how he manages to deal with cranky elves and out of control reindeer in their games. Now he needs another drink.”

32. Come to see Santa Claus, he’ll let you ride on his donkey.

From Neatorama: "Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus." Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

From Neatorama: “Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus.” Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

33. “Hold yer britches, Brittany, Daddy ain’t finished telling Santa Claus what he wants for Christmas.”

Santa: "I'm sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I'll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies."

Santa: “I’m sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I’ll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies.”

34. Remember, parents, don’t take your child to visit Santa Claus during the dead of night. Especially when he says, “This child is the right size for roasting.”

Santa: "So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?" Little Girl: "Mommy, please, don't make me sit on that man's lap. He looks like he wants to eat me."

Santa: “So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?”
Little Girl: “Mommy, please, don’t make me sit on that man’s lap! He looks like he wants to eat me!” (Runs off unable to stop screaming.)

35. Terrorists, say hello to Santa’s little friend, the assault rifle.

Granted, he's most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who's recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

Granted, he’s most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who’s recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

36. Sometimes adults like to take their picture with Santa Claus as well, especially couples.

I bet Santa is like, "Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!" Pervert.

I bet Santa is like, “Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!” Pervert.

37. While Santa Claus isn’t having kids sit on his lap, you can see him outside directing traffic.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he's doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he’s doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

38. Why, yes, Virginia, you can have your cat pose in a picture with Santa Claus.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

39. Before he started his career on 60 Minutes, the late Andy Rooney used to do stints playing Santa Claus at the mall. He wasn’t received well.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you'd rather not.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you’d rather not.

40. Would you let this man deliver presents for your kids around Christmas Eve?

I'm sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn't commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay.

I’m sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn’t commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay for someone this Christmas.

41. Hey, I didn’t know John Goodman’s character from The Big Lebowski was a mall Santa.

I haven't seen The Big Lebowski, but I'm sure things aren't going to be good if this baby's father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

I haven’t seen The Big Lebowski, but I’m sure things aren’t going to be good if this baby’s father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

42. “Now you be a good girl and go tell your momma Santa’s got a big, special present just for her…”

I don't like the look on that Santa's face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn't want to sit on Santa's lap anymore.

I don’t like the look on that Santa’s face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap anymore.

43. “Oh, yes, I’m making a list and checking it twice.”

However, judging by this Santa's face and the kids' faces, I can't really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

However, judging by this Santa’s face and the kids’ faces, I can’t really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

44. Santa Claus really likes children sitting on his lap.

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you'll never escape from the man they call, "The Claus."

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you’ll never escape from the man they call, “The Claus.”

45. A tired Santa Claus prepares his way to go down the chimney.

From Neatorama: "If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney."

From Neatorama: “If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney.”

46. “All right, photo 1,546 coming right up. Damn, you’d think I’d have migraines after a spending a day with people flashing cameras in my face.”

"Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?"

“Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?”

47. Just Old Kris Kringle curled up with a bottle of booze on his lunch break.

He's probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

He’s probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

48. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don't like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn't look evil in this?

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don’t like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn’t look evil in this?

49. Heeeere’s Santa!

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

50. Santa Claus: Jolly old gift giver who brings tidings of comfort, joy, and good cheer or Snidely Whiplash in disguise.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn't really aged all too well has he? And he's put on a lot of weight, too.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn’t really aged all too well has he? And he’s put on a lot of weight, too.

51. “Certainly, Mr. Gregson, I’ll take very good care of that redheaded stepson of yours….for a while.”

From Neatorama: "Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus."

From Neatorama: “Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus.”

52. These eyes have certainly seen a darker side of Christmas.

I'm sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of "registered offenders" list in some states.

I’m sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of “registered offenders” list in some states.

53. “I saw Mommy spanking Santa Claus/Underneath the mistletoe last night.” And looks like Santa didn’t seem to mind.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

54. Don’t look now but I think there’s a scary red suited beardy man behind you.

"All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that's no presents for you Chloe."

“All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that’s no presents for you Chloe.”

55. “For the love of God, how much time do I have left for this?”

"Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong."

“Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong.”

56. Just because  a little girl may have a shirt that says she loves Santa, doesn’t mean she actually does.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

57. Sorry, kids, looks like Santa has been drinking too much eggnog lately.

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he's heard of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he’s heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or the 12 step program?

58. “I always love it when they squeal.”

"Yes, cry my little one! I'm always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho!"

“Yes, cry my little one! I’m always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho! Their tears always give me great nourishment.”

59. Santa: “So, little lady have you been a good little girl this year?”

Little Girl: "Mommy, get me off this scary man's lap! I'll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don't force me to sit on his lap, please!"

Little Girl: “Mommy, get me off this scary man’s lap! I’ll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don’t force me to sit on his lap, please!”

60. Sorry, kid, but there’s no escaping Santa now!

"The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don't have to go through a background check."

“The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don’t have to go through a background check.”

61. “I was only kidding about Rudolph being hit by a 747.”

"Hey, can't a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? What the hell is wrong with this boy?"

“Hey, can’t a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? Jesus, what the hell is wrong with this boy?”

62. It’s said while Santa gives bad kids coal for Christmas, he puts bad elves in the fire for kindling.

Let's just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she's a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa's eyes.

Let’s just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she’s a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa’s eyes beneath his fluffy white beard.

63. “Here, you take him, I think he just spoiled my robe here.”

I don't know about you but if this photo didn't take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

I don’t know about you but if this photo didn’t take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

64. Yes, Virginia, Santa loves cats.

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

65. “Do you think the child is frightened by the wig? Or is it just me?”

Let's just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you'd see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you'd see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which doesn't go good on him. Still, I can see why this baby isn't a happy camper.

Let’s just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you’d see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you’d see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which you’d likely see on a cult leader.
Still, I can see why this baby isn’t a happy camper.

66. While parents love to take their kids to see Santa, they always try to avoid seeing a flashing one.

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there's certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there’s certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

67. Sorry, kids, but Santa has to get a lap dance from Mrs. Claus.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain't right.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain’t right.

68. He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

69. Come into Santa’s car. He’ll take your requests and give you free candy.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn't risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn’t risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

70. Sometimes it’s every child’s wish to see Santa during the Christmas season.

Sometimes, it's Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children's nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

Sometimes, it’s Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children’s nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

For more: Bad Santas- http://suburbanturmoil.com/the-very-best-of-bad-santa/2013/12/18/

Up on the Housetop, on Christmas Inflatable Decorations

What the hell is the jack-o'-lantern doing here? Halloween's over.

What the hell is the jack-o’-lantern doing here? Halloween’s over.

Now the tradition of having Christmas inflatables on lawns is a relatively recent phenomenon but they are nevertheless popular enough for onlookers to spot them. Of course, some people tend to go all out on them as well. So like them or hate them, they are here to stay. Nevertheless, I don’t participate in this tradition but many do so here’s a post on them. And believe me, there are many you can choose from according to the online listings. Yet, while I can go on and on about all the wonderful inflatable decorations out there, you might find it boring so I’ll put up the ones that don’t seem that glamorous but deserve extra attention for sheer tackiness. Not to mention, there are some inflatables that for some reason seem to make absolutely no sense whatsoever. So without further adieu, enjoy these blow up lighting lawn ornaments that might have some disturbing implications.

1. In honor of A Christmas Story, here’s a 6 foot inflatable leg lamp to show your neighbors.

As most of us have seen A Christmas Story, we all know that Ralphie's dad received a leg lamp after winning a sweepstakes contest. Still, despite A Christmas Story being a family film, this leg lamp is certainly an R-rated decoration.

As most of us have seen A Christmas Story, we all know that Ralphie’s dad received a leg lamp after winning a sweepstakes contest. Still, despite A Christmas Story being a family film, this leg lamp is certainly an R-rated decoration.

2. Santa Claus likes to ride on his motorcycle with his reindeer in the sidecar.

Wait a minute, isn't Santa supposed to be using his reindeer as transportation for his sleigh? I thought that reindeer were means of getting there, not passengers.

Wait a minute, isn’t Santa supposed to be using his reindeer as transportation for his sleigh? I thought that reindeer were means of getting there, not passengers.

3. Tyrannosaurus Rex receives a bone for Christmas as he always wanted.

I understand that dinosaurs are cool kid appeal animals, but still, they haven't roamed the Earth in 65 million years. To have a dinosaur in Christmas regalia is about as anachronistic as The Flintstones Holiday Special.

I understand that dinosaurs are cool kid appeal animals, but still, they haven’t roamed the Earth in 65 million years. To have a dinosaur in Christmas regalia is about as anachronistic as The Flintstones Holiday Special.

4. This snowman seems all dressed up and ready to get himself a buck.

Well, this does make a good decoration since deer hunting season starts on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Still, this has unfortunate implications if you know that Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer and the message of

Well, this does make a good decoration since deer hunting season starts on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Still, this has unfortunate implications if you know that Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer and the message of “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men.”

5. For those who love Christmas and Ernest Hemingway, then this is a great inflatable decoration for you.

When you take the Christmas stuff off of this decoration, you have yourselves an inflatable lawn decoration of Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea.

When you take the Christmas stuff off of this decoration, you have yourselves an inflatable lawn decoration of Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea.

6. Looks like Santa is climbing in the pool for a swim with a reindeer, penguins, and a polar bear.

Knowing that Santa lives in the North Pole, then he must be a member of the Polar Bear Club. Still, what the hell are these penguins doing here? They live in Antarctica, not the North Pole for God's sake.

Knowing that Santa lives in the North Pole, then he must be a member of the Polar Bear Club. Still, what the hell are these penguins doing here? They live in Antarctica, not the North Pole for God’s sake.

7. Merry Christmas from Santa’s trailer.

Looks like Santa and Mrs. Claus might need to go to marriage counseling or aren't on great terms right now.

Looks like Santa and Mrs. Claus might need to go to marriage counseling or aren’t on great terms right now.

8. While most of Santa’s reindeer are guys who pull the sleigh, their mates stage their own roller derby night.

Still, at least this decoration gets it right that female reindeer do have antlers during this time of year. And in many species, they are the only ones with antlers in December since the males have shed them since mating season. Still, I'd rather not recommend roller derby to anyone since it's a very violent sport.

Still, at least this decoration gets it right that female reindeer do have antlers during this time of year. And in many species, they are the only ones with antlers in December since the males have shed them since mating season. Still, I’d rather not recommend roller derby to anyone since it’s a very violent sport.

9. Santa and his friends travel the world in their hippie van encouraging kids to be nice, not naughty.

So if Santa Claus is an aging bohemian, does this mean that smoking pot, taking drugs, and engaging in free love won't get you put on the naughty list? Also, does this mean that soldiers get coal this year?

So if Santa Claus is an aging bohemian, does this mean that smoking pot, taking drugs, and engaging in free love won’t get you put on the naughty list? Also, does this mean that soldiers get coal this year?

10. Man, it’s so cold outside that even a snowman is shivering in his igloo.

Wait a minute, snowmen are made of snow and shouldn't be shivering in the cold. If they get warm, they melt. Simple is that. So why is this snowman getting the chills?

Wait a minute, snowmen are made of snow and shouldn’t be shivering in the cold. If they get warm, they melt. Simple is that. So why is this snowman getting the chills?

11. For the kids, celebrate Christmas with an inflatable lawn Noah’s Ark.

As a practicing Catholic, I need to say that this inflatable decoration makes no theological sense whatsoever. I mean most Christians usually celebrate Christmas to honor the birth of Christ. Well, Noah's Ark is recorded in Genesis so there's no reason why it shouldn't have any Christmas decorations on it.

As a practicing Catholic, I need to say that this inflatable decoration makes no theological sense whatsoever. I mean most Christians usually celebrate Christmas to honor the birth of Christ. Well, Noah’s Ark is recorded in the Old Testament Book of Genesis so there’s no reason why it shouldn’t have any Christmas decorations on it. What’s next, Moses dressed as Santa or Adam and Eve wearing elf costumes? Because both such decorations would just be as ridiculous as this.

12. Looks like Frosty the Snowman and his penguin friend are enjoying a long vacation at the beach sipping coconut drinks.

Seriously, what the hell is that snowman doing here next to a palm tree? Snowmen basically melt and evaporate in warmer, tropical climates. So there's no reason why Frosty should be near a palm tree in the first place.

Seriously, what the hell is that snowman doing here next to a palm tree? Snowmen basically melt and evaporate in warmer, tropical climates. So there’s no reason why Frosty should be near a palm tree in the first place.

13. Here’s Santa Claus relaxing in his palm tree hammock after making his Christmas Eve rounds.

Now I don't know about you but doesn't it seem a bit odd that Santa is still in his red suit? I don't mean to be rude, but if Santa doesn't strip out of that big red winter suit anytime soon, he might as well be rushed to the hospital for heatstroke. That, or sweating like hell.

Now I don’t know about you but doesn’t it seem a bit odd that Santa is still in his red suit? I don’t mean to be rude, but if Santa doesn’t strip out of that big red winter suit anytime soon, he might as well be rushed to the hospital for heatstroke. That, or sweating like hell.

14. Seems like the gingerbread man and his girlfriend have enjoyed a great time in the witch’s oven from Hansel and Gretel?

Gingerbread people seem surprisingly nonchalant about being baked alive! Seriously, what kind of sick and twisted person think this would make a great Christmas decoration? It seems more likely to give kids nightmares.

Gingerbread people seem surprisingly nonchalant about being baked alive! Seriously, what kind of sick and twisted person think this would make a great Christmas decoration? It seems more likely to give kids nightmares.

15. Merry Christmas from this Cowboy Penguin.

Now cute as this decoration may be, we must understand that penguins usually live in the Southern Hemisphere with the northernmost ones residing in the Galapagos Islands. And I'm sure that cowboys have little-or-nothing to do with Christmas either. So a penguin cowboy Christmas decoration would more or less make better sense in Chile where it's summer.

Now cute as this decoration may be, we must understand that penguins usually live in the Southern Hemisphere with the northernmost ones residing in the Galapagos Islands. And I’m sure that cowboys have little-or-nothing to do with Christmas either. So a penguin cowboy Christmas decoration would more or less make better sense in Chile or Australia where it’s summer.

16. Looks like it’s Casino Night at the North Pole.

Sorry, kids, but none of you are getting presents this year because Santa's got a gambling problem and needs to pay his loanshark bookies.

Sorry, kids, but none of you are getting presents this year because Santa’s got a gambling problem and needs to pay his loanshark bookies.

17. Santa Claus enjoys his vacation with a penguin in a hula skirt?

From the Huffington Post,

From the Huffington Post, “Surprisingly, global warming is welcomed by Santa and his… hula penguins.” Need I say more. Also, at least Santa has his shirt on.

18. Santa’s ability to withstand chimney fires made him the perfect recruit for the fire department or something.

Then again, there are a lot of firefighters out there who do look like Santa Claus. I mean a lot of firefighters I've seen do tend to be obese and may have white beards.

Then again, there are a lot of firefighters out there who do look like Santa Claus. I mean a lot of firefighters I’ve seen do tend to be obese and may have white beards.

19. My, my, so Grandma did get run over by a reindeer after all. Except that Santa wasn’t responsible.

And when we mean

And when we mean “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” we mean she was run over by one operating a steam roller. Still, first vehicular manslaughter and now this? What’s Santa doing to these reindeer?

20. Seems like Santa Claus is a badass biker dude on his motorcycle.

Keep in mind that a motorcycle holds way fewer presents than a sleigh and the insurance is higher. Also, wasn't there a Six Feet Under episode in which a mall Santa got hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle? The biker funeral episode is perhaps one of the best of the series but those kids will be in therapy for life.

Keep in mind that a motorcycle holds way fewer presents than a sleigh and the insurance is higher. Also, wasn’t there a Six Feet Under episode in which a mall Santa got hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle? The biker funeral episode is perhaps one of the best of the series but those kids will be in therapy for life.

21. Man, it seems that these penguins are certainly getting along with the polar bear.

Still, we have to acknowledge that penguins don't live in the North Pole and even if they did, they'd certainly not get along with polar bears. In fact, the polar bear would certainly eat them.

Still, we have to acknowledge that penguins don’t live in the North Pole and even if they did, they’d certainly not get along with polar bears. In fact, the polar bear would certainly eat them.

22. Seems like Santa has ditched the sleigh and replaced it with a chopper.

Man, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with the reindeer being out of work. Also, what's Rudolph to do with his red nose now that he's unemployed?

Man, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with the reindeer being out of work. Also, what’s Rudolph to do with his red nose now that he’s unemployed?

23. Think of it as Christmas meets Stagecoach.

So does this mean that Santa is taking these penguins back to the Southern Hemisphere where they belong? If not, then where?

So does this mean that Santa is taking these penguins back to the Southern Hemisphere where they belong? If not, then where?

24. Man, Santa should really watch where to put that big ass of his.

Still, I hope that elf gets better by next Christmas in the North Pole hospital's intensive care unit. He's going to need it as well as go to the North Pole physical rehabilitation center afterwards.

Still, I hope that elf gets better by next Christmas in the North Pole hospital’s intensive care unit. He’s going to need it as well as go to the North Pole physical rehabilitation center afterwards.

25. Ahoy, mateys, step right aboard on Santa’s pirate ship.

Wait a minute, Santa gives presents to children, not take away cargo and other items from merchant ships! Then again, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors. Still, why does this even exist?

Wait a minute, Santa gives presents to children, not take away cargo and other items from merchant ships! Then again, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors. Still, why does this even exist?

26. Merry Christmas from the 9 foot mutant penguin spreading holiday cheer.

Wait a minute, isn't the idea of a 9ft tall penguin something from a nightmare? Still, why does this thing exist?

Wait a minute, isn’t the idea of a 9ft tall penguin something from a nightmare? Still, why does this thing exist?

27. Looks like this reindeer is hunting from a tree with a ladder.

Since December is deer hunting season, it's hard to tell whether this one is hunting for his own kind, trying to protect himself, or both. Either way, there's something very wrong with this.

Since December is deer hunting season, it’s hard to tell whether this one is hunting for his own kind, trying to protect himself, or both. Either way, there’s something very wrong with this.

28. Okay, so maybe Santa Claus can’t withstand all chimney fires.

Santa should be lucky that Dasher was able to get a hold of the sleigh fire extinguisher and put out the flames in time. Sadly, Santa didn't have a spare pair of pants and had to spend the rest of the night giving presents to kids with his rear end exposed.

Santa should be lucky that Dasher was able to get a hold of the sleigh fire extinguisher and put out the flames in time. Sadly, Santa didn’t have a spare pair of pants and had to spend the rest of the night giving presents to kids with his rear end exposed.

29. Just two reindeer roasting marshmallows at the campfire while Santa sleeps in his tent.

Since how does Santa ever have time to go camping with his reindeer? Also, isn't he supposed to be making toys this time of year?

Since how does Santa ever have time to go camping with his reindeer? Also, isn’t he supposed to be making toys this time of year?

30. So to commemorate the holiday season, Spongebob Squarepants decided to through some disgusting mutilation to make himself look like a Christmas tree.

Now this is bound to give Spongebob's youngest fans nightmares. Yet, I hope he gets back into shape after the holidays.

Now this is bound to give Spongebob’s youngest fans nightmares. Yet, I hope he gets back into shape after the holidays. Still, he doesn’t seem remarkably disturbed by looking like a Christmas tree.

31. Hello, and welcome to Santa’s Snack Shack.

Well, if you want a new Xbox for Christmas, Santa has to pay for it somehow. Those presents don't pay for themselves, kiddo.

Well, if you want a new Xbox for Christmas, Santa has to pay for it somehow. Those presents don’t pay for themselves, kiddo.

32. Seems like Santa really enjoys riding on his quad runner ATV.

Seriously, those things are basically gas guzzing four wheeled motorcycles. Besides, I'm sure they're not cheap either and make lots of unnecessary noise. Not to mention, Santa seems just way too cool for those.

Seriously, those things are basically gas guzzing four wheeled motorcycles. Besides, I’m sure they’re not cheap either and make lots of unnecessary noise. Not to mention, Santa seems just way too cool for those.

33. Fuel up, elves, because Santa needs to take a pit stop.

Santa, this seems too dangerous for you! You don't want to wreck on the racetrack don't you? Still, why does this thing exist for God's sake?

Santa, this seems too dangerous for you! You don’t want to wreck on the racetrack don’t you? Still, why does this thing exist for God’s sake?

34. During the summer, Santa and Rudolph take gigs as lifeguards on the beach.

From Huffington Post:

From Huffington Post: “We get that sometimes people have to take lifeguarding gigs in the summer, but SANTA? Really?” Still, I could understand Rudolph but I’m not sure if reindeer know how to swim.

35. Looks like Frosty the snowman has opened up a new popcorn stand.

So how does Frosty manage to scoop up the popcorn from the machine without melting his hand? I mean it takes a lot of heat to make popcorn pop doesn't it? Perhaps Frosty should just stick to selling ice cream instead.

So how does Frosty manage to scoop up the popcorn from the machine without melting his hand? I mean it takes a lot of heat to make popcorn pop doesn’t it? Perhaps Frosty should just stick to selling ice cream instead.

36. Frosty the Snowman takes his penguin pal for a ride on his new ride.

Uh, doesn't it get hot when you turn on a motorcycle? I mean people wear leather jackets on them for a reason. Still, it's a wonder Frosty is able to retain shape while riding one.

Uh, doesn’t it get hot when you turn on a motorcycle? I mean people wear leather jackets on them for a reason. Still, it’s a wonder Frosty is able to retain shape while riding one.

37. Nothing says Christmas like your very own Christmas cactus.

Wait a minute, cacti live in warm desert climates, not in places with snow. Also, they aren't things you want to decorate because of their needles. Not to mention, I'm not sure if a cactus has anything to do with Christmas whatsoever.

Wait a minute, cacti live in warm desert climates, not in places with snow. Also, they aren’t things you want to decorate because of their needles. Not to mention, I’m not sure if a cactus has anything to do with Christmas whatsoever.

38. Of course, even Santa has times when you gotta go, you gotta go.

For God's sake, Santa, pull your pants up, will you? Nobody wants to see your naked ass this holiday season! God almighty, why does this even exist?

For God’s sake, Santa, pull your pants up, will you? Nobody wants to see your naked ass this holiday season! God almighty, why does this even exist?

39. Behold, a neon dancing Santa Claus.

Man, Santa seems to have lost a lot of weight since he started working out more at the North Pole gym.

Man, Santa seems to have lost a lot of weight since he started working out more at the North Pole gym.

40. Since his sleigh is now in the shop on Christmas Eve, Santa now delivers presents on his new 8-wheeler trailer truck.

Of course, there are plenty of truckers who look like Santa Claus so maybe Saint Nick is onto something here. Still, I bet the reindeer aren't too happy being unemployed though.

Of course, there are plenty of truckers who look like Santa Claus so maybe Saint Nick is onto something here. Still, I bet the reindeer aren’t too happy being unemployed though. And I’m sure that truck is a gas guzzler for sure.

41. Looks like the sleigh has run out of gas.

Wait a minute doesn't reindeer transport prevent the need for Santa to stop at a gas station? Also, even if the sleigh were powered, wouldn't run on some kind of alternative fuel source like magic?

Wait a minute doesn’t reindeer transport prevent the need for Santa to stop at a gas station? Also, even if the sleigh were powered, wouldn’t run on some kind of alternative fuel source like magic?

42. Of course, Darth Vader knows what you’re getting for Christmas since he can feel your presents.

Now I'm not sure Darth Vader would make an appropriate Christmas decoration mainly because he blew up his daughter's planet and froze her boyfriend in carbonite before handing him over a bounty hunter, cut off his son's hand, killed his mentor, and force choked his employees. Yeah, I'm sure this Star Wars villain is on the Dark Side of the Force.

Now I’m not sure Darth Vader would make an appropriate Christmas decoration mainly because he blew up his daughter’s planet and froze her boyfriend in carbonite before handing him over a bounty hunter, cut off his son’s hand, killed his mentor, and force choked his employees. Yeah, I’m sure this Star Wars villain is on the Dark Side of the Force and you wouldn’t want this man to be your father. Definitely not a character who fits the Christmas spirit.

43. Looks like Santa had a little accident with his sleigh.

Perhaps we should concede that Santa Claus probably isn't the best driver as far as reindeer pulled sleighs are concerned. Still, I wonder if he has accidents every year or just once in a blue moon.

Perhaps we should concede that Santa Claus probably isn’t the best driver as far as reindeer pulled sleighs are concerned. Still, I wonder if he has accidents every year or just once in a blue moon.

44. Looks like a polar bear got his tongue stuck at the North Pole during the ugly sweater party.

Of course, we should all know that the elf talked the polar bear into it. Guess he ain't getting any presents this year. Still, I'm sure the bear isn't going to be happy once Santa sorts things out.

Of course, we should all know that the elf talked the polar bear into it. Guess he ain’t getting any presents this year. Still, I’m sure the bear isn’t going to be happy once Santa sorts things out.

45. Since reindeer tend to be too much trouble, Santa decided to deliver presents via dump truck.

I'm sure this doesn't bode well with the quality of toys this year. Still, I think he should give the reindeer their jobs back before they go on strike for higher pay.

I’m sure this doesn’t bode well with the quality of toys this year. Still, I think he should give the reindeer their jobs back before they go on strike for higher pay.

46. Man, it’s so cold out, I swear the snowmen and penguins are shivering.

I can understand the penguins since they might freeze to death during Antarctic winters. But the snowman? C'mon, it's made out of snow.

I can understand the penguins since they might freeze to death during Antarctic winters. But the snowman? C’mon, it’s made out of snow.

47. Merry Christmas from your local neighborhood Spiderman.

Sorry, that Santa couldn't go on his rounds this year. So you'll have to make do with Spiderman. Sure he has no sleigh and reindeer, but he can swing house to house with his web.

Sorry, that Santa couldn’t go on his rounds this year. So you’ll have to make do with Spiderman. Sure he has no sleigh and reindeer, but he can swing house to house with his web.

48. It’s great fun at the North Pole on Santa’s party barge.

Let's hope nobody drinks too much eggnog, especially Captain Santa. Then again, I might watch out for the polar bear, too.

Let’s hope nobody drinks too much eggnog, especially Captain Santa. Then again, I might watch out for the polar bear, too.

49. Some fish wants to give Santa a present.

Now this absolutely makes no sense to me. I mean Santa was about to catch that fish wit intent to have it for dinner. But both seem quite cheerful for some reason.

Now this absolutely makes no sense to me. I mean Santa was about to catch that fish wit intent to have it for dinner. But both seem quite cheerful for some reason.

50. Merry Christmas from Spiderman as he scales up his wall.

Uh, spidey, are you sure you're going to do fine with that sack? Looks a bit heavy. Hope you don't break your back. Also, you might want to give the job to Superman. Or Ironman.

Uh, spidey, are you sure you’re going to do fine with that sack? Looks a bit heavy. Hope you don’t break your back. Also, you might want to give the job to Superman. Or Ironman.

More Underrated, Overlooked, Forgotten, and Ignored Historical Heroes Who Need More Love

While some people have their names enshrined on a plaque, a statue on a public square, a biopic, and are remembered for generations in the history books, others get barely a footnote in some long history academic encyclopedia. Whether they’re ignored for their race, gender, or other feature that doesn’t fit in the historic narrative or are overlooked in other ways, we have these people who the history books just don’t do justice to. Last October, I compiled a list of forgotten and not so forgotten figures and this time I have an assortment for your pleasure. I’ll only list people who are now dead.

William_Parker,_4th_Baron_Monteagle_and_11th_Baron_Morley_by_John_de_Critz

1. William Parker, 13th Baron Morely, 4th Baron Monteagle

His Feats: English noble and member of the House of Lords. He’s best known for the discovery of the Gunpowder Plot in which a group of 13 Catholics conspired to blow up the Houses of Parliament with 36 barrels of gunpowder in the cellar directly below it during the 1605 opening. Before the fateful 5th of November, he received a mysterious letter, presumably from a fellow Catholic (most likely his brother-in-law Francis Tresham) who wanted to spare his life from the upcoming scheduled terrorist attack. After deciphering the letter, he rushed to Whitehall, showed it to the 1st Earl of Salisbury Robert Cecil. He then joined Thomas Howard where they found a stash of Gunpowder and explosives which resulted in Guy Fawkes and his fellow conspirators arrested, tortured into confession, and executed through being hung, drawn, and quartered. He was rewarded with £500 and 200 acres of land

Why He’s Ignored: Parker was a lifelong recusant Catholic who was in favor with court despite having a checkered past of being linked to Catholic terrorist plots as well as a stint in prison as well as a £8,000 fine. Of course, given the status of English Catholics as a persecuted minority since Elizabethan times (as well as the fact that acts of Catholic terror caused Protestant pressure to crack down on them), putting him in the history books wouldn’t fit with the historical narrative most 17th century English Protestants wouldn’t be happy with. Also, despite the Stuart monarchy being too Catholic friendly for their own good, things wouldn’t get better for the English Catholics in Great Britain after the Gunpowder Plot as priests continued to be expelled, fines were taxed, and the recusant Catholics worshiped in secret. So in spite of Parker basically saving Parliament and the Stuart royal family, his actions didn’t help the persecuted English Catholics in the PR department (then again, Catholic terrorists blowing up Parliament might’ve made things worse). Not only that, now since we have the film V for Vendetta, Guy Fawkes now has his own fanbase (and souvenir mask) despite only functioning in the group as the explosives expert as well as being the first guy caught who ratted out all his fellow collaborators while under torture. Nevertheless, whether Parker wrote the Monteagle Letter or not, he certainly knew about the Gunpowder Plot and acted accordingly. Yet, when it comes to Fawkes and Monteagle, it’s very clear which one should be seen as the hero in the story of the Gunpowder Plot.

a98988_640px-Philo_T_Farnsworth

2. Philo T. Farnsworth

His Feats: A self-taught American physicist and child prodigy who built a motor and produced the first electric washing machine his family ever owned when he was 12 years old. At 14, he figured out a way to transmit images electronically. In 1921, he diagrammed and described television in a school science paper. 5 years later he built his first television camera and receiving apparatus. He would build the electronic transmission of television, using a carbon arc projector to send a single line to a receiver in the next room of his apartment.

Why He’s Ignored: Unfortunately for him, the Radio Corporation of America (RCA) owned a patent for television by another inventor. He would spend years embroiled in lawsuits, defending himself from infringement claims, and seeking to guard his own patent rights. In 1939, RCA would finally license Farnsworth’s patents and paid him $1 million. Nevertheless, despite that TV has basically has had a major impact on the lives of billions of people who tune in every day, most people don’t really know the man who invented it. In many ways, just being the inventor of TV alone, Farnsworth should be a household name.

a98988_wills

3. Frank Wills

His Feats: Nighttime security guard at the Watergate Hotel and Office Complex who while on his rounds in the summer of 1972, found a strip of duct tape preventing a door latch from closing all the way. He removed it and continued on his way. 30 minutes later, he returned to the spot and saw that someone reaffixed the tape to the latch. Feeling something suspicious was going on, he promptly called the cops. What he discovered would become front page news as the late night burglary of the Democratic National Convention Headquarters which would lead to a major coverup as well as a series of scandals that led to the resignation of a US president.

Why He’s Ignored: Well, despite being held a hero with a few talk show appearances immediately after the Watergate break-in, he died broke and in obscurity. Once his 15 minutes of fame were up, he had constant trouble finding employment and was unsuccessful. Even Howard University wouldn’t hire him because they didn’t want the government to withhold their funds in retribution. In 1983, he’d be arrested for shoplifting a pair of $12 shoes which led to a year in prison. Still, if he’s ignored for anything, it’s because he was just an ordinary guy doing his job and a reluctant whistleblower, which doesn’t go well with the Watergate narrative. Yet, there are plenty of people who’ve made history every day and Wills is one of them.

4. Aryabhata

His Feats: Indian astrologer and mathematician. Said by many to have invented zero and narrow down the value of pie to the correct four decimal places. Studied both lunar and solar eclipses as well as the Earth’s rotation on its axis as well as measured the Earth’s circumference to 99.8% accuracy.

Why He’s Ignored: Well, since history is basically told in the our euro-centric point of view in most western countries, his Indian nationality is certainly an obvious factor. That and imperialism has basically promoted the notion of European supremacy bias. The fact that this Indian mathematician and astronomer existed at all doesn’t suit that narrative.

1920_subhash_chandra_bose_as_student

5. Subhas Chandra Bose

His Feats: Leader of the Indian National Congress who sought full, immediate independence for India from Great Britain in contrast to Mohandas K. Gandhi’s “passive resistance” methods (though he was a great admirer and called him, “father of our nation” while Gandhi plotted against him). As a statesman and rebel leader, he was jailed as well as wore various disguises while traveling to India and beyond to bolster support for the cause. Was known in India for his decorum and respect as well has had mysterious death in 1945 with rumored sightings of Elvis-like proportions.

Why He’s Ignored: While he’s certainly revered in India, he’s seldom known anywhere else mostly because he courted the Axis Powers during World War II and the fact that Gandhi’s means of peace makes a far more better story in the PR department. Yet, like it or not, Bose’s more aggressive techniques (as those of other freedom fighters) did a far more to bring India’s independence than Gandhi ever did.

rosalind-franklin

6. Rosalind Franklin

Her Feats: British Jewish scientist who unraveled the structure of DNA with the double helix as well as was part of her team that won the Nobel Prize of 1962. Also helped unravel the structure of the Tobacco Mosaic Virus and RNA.

Why She’s Ignored: Well, three reasons. First, as a female scientist, she wasn’t acknowledged for her work by her male colleagues until 1968 and even since, she’s just a footnote in a high school biology textbook. Second, working in x-ray crystallography that helped her that famous discovery, also lead to her early death from ovarian cancer in 1958 at the age of 37. Third, the Nobel Prize isn’t awarded posthumously, though you’d think they’d make an exception with her. Still, with her work in unraveling DNA, Franklin is possibly the most important female scientist in history.

7. Elijah McCoy

His Feats: Canadian-American inventor notable for 57 U. S. patents most to do with lubrication of steam engines. Born to runaway slaves in Canada and moved to Michigan at the age of 5, he studied as a mechanical engineer in Edinburgh, Scotland. Though he only could find work as a fireman and oiler at the Michigan Central Railroad, he invented an automatic lubricator for oiling steam engines, locomotives, and ships. Also invented the folding ironing board and a lawn sprinkler. Produced more patents than any other African American inventor up to the 20th century.

Why He’s Ignored: To make a short story short, despite having all those patents and debate on how much he revolutionized the railroad and machine industries with his devices, he’s not well known outside of industry and the African American community. This is mostly because he was black as well as the fact he didn’t have the money to manufacture his lubricators in large numbers until close to the end of his life and usually assigned patent rights to his employers investors. Not only that, but racial prejudice in the day was the main reason why he could only find work as a fireman and oiler in the first place, which is why he’s barely mentioned at all in any early 20th century literature at all relating to lubricators.

8. Norbert Rilleaux

His Feats: 19th century Creole African American inventor and engineer. Born in Louisiana and cousin of Edgar Degas, was the youngest teacher at the Ecole Centrale (an engineering school in Paris) at the age of 24 instructing in applied mechanics as well as a competent blacksmith and expert machinist. Best known for inventing the multiple-effect evaporator which was an energy efficient means of evaporating water as well as an important development in the sugar industry. When a yellow fever outbreak plagued New Orleans in the 1850s, he proposed a plan to the city that would eliminate the moist breeding grounds for the mosquitoes that carried the disease by addressing problems in the city’s sewer system and drying swamplands in the area. Though rejected, it was addressed several years later.

Why He’s Ignored: Well, despite helping to revolutionize the sugar industry with his refining contraption, the fact he was black and a Creole of color certainly doesn’t give him much recognition in the history books as well as those of other African American engineers, scientists, and inventors. Also, for many white Southerners of the day, giving credit to a black guy for making a device that helped the growth of the sugar industry is kind of an embarrassment.

micheaux1

9. Oscar Micheaux

His Feats: Born to a former slave father in Illinois and to a family of 13 children. Moved to Chicago at 17 in which he had several different jobs from working in stockyards and steel mills to setting up his own shoeshine stand and working as a Pullman porter. He then became a homesteader in South Dakota with all white neighbors who wouldn’t let him eat at their tables and started writing articles for the press. Wrote 7 novels based on his experiences and the failure of his first marriage as well as had his stories revolve around the theme of African Americans realizing their potential and succeeding in areas from which they were previously excluded. When his 1918 book The Homesteader was being planned for a feature film, negotiations between him and producer, he decided to form his own book and film company in Chicago and made the adaptation himself. He would go to collaborate in over 40 films focusing on contemporary African American life, black and white racial relationships, and blacks trying to achieve the American Dream in a larger and segregated society. He’d also use his films to counter white portrayals of African Americans and inferior black stereotypes. He was perhaps the most successful black filmmaker in the early 20th century and gave a lot of opportunities to African Americans in the film business. Once said, “My results…might have been narrow at times, due perhaps to certain limited situations, which I endeavored to portray, but in those limited situations, the truth was the predominate characteristic. It is only by presenting those portions of the race portrayed in my pictures, in the light and background of their true state, that we can raise our people to greater heights. I am too imbued with the spirit of Booker T. Washington to engraft false virtues upon ourselves, to make ourselves that which we are not.”

Why He’s Ignored: Outside of film buffs and the African American community, most people don’t really know who he was. Of course, the fact that Hollywood and mainstream US History tends to downplay the achievements of African Americans so we shouldn’t be surprised. Not to mention, the fact that Hollywood tends to take movies made by blacks less seriously than whites is also a factor as well as the fact that some of Micheaux’s films are now lost. Yet, as his tombstone reads, this pioneer in African American cinema was certainly, “A man ahead of his time.” Still, when it comes to the history of film and Hollywood, you can’t really ignore this man who’s certainly a historical hero indeed.

640px-Mary_Anning_painting

10. Mary Anning

Her Feats: 19th century British fossil collector, dealer, and paleontologist known for the important finds she made in the Jurassic marine beds in the cliffs along the English Channel at Lyme Regis. Discoveries included the first correctly identified ichthyosaur skeleton she found at the age of 12, the first two plesiosaur skeletons, and the first pterosaur skeleton located outside Germany, and important fish fossils. Her observations played a key role in the discovery that coprolites were fossilized feces and that belemnite fossils contained fossilised ink sacs like those of modern cephalopods. All this despite having almost no formal education and barely enough money for journal subscriptions as well as collected fossils during landslide season which was very dangerous and killed her dog.

Why She’s Ignored: As a woman from a poor family of religious dissenters who lost her cabinetmaker dad at eleven, she was screwed by the British scientific establishment from the get-go. Also, she was only published once in the scientific press in which she wrote a letter to the Magazine of Natural History disputing the “discovery” of a new genus prehistoric shark based on her own findings. Still, this didn’t stop other British scientists from wanting to talk shop with her.

11. Rabban Sauma

His Feats: 1200s Turkic/Mongol Nestorian monk turned diplomat who traveled in places such as Mongol controlled China, Baghdad, and Europe where he met with many of the monarchs and the Pope. He then chronicled his lifetime of travel which is of unique interest to modern historians giving a picture of medieval Europe at the end of the Crusading period painted by a keenly intelligent, broadminded, and statesmanlike observer as well as provides a viewpoint of East looking West.

Why He’s Ignored: Let’s just say that people may find it hard to believe that a Turkic/Mongol managed to write anything about the Crusades and medieval Europe. Yes, Western Eurocentric history, indeed.

Niels_stensen

12. Nicholas Steno

His Feats: Danish Catholic Bishop and major figure in the Catholic Counter-Reformation (enough to make him headed for sainthood) as well as tutor to the de Medici family and scientific pioneer in both anatomy and geology (that a device is named after him). In 1659, he resolved not to accept anything simply written in a book and decided to do the research himself. This self-study led him to become the father of geology and stratigraphy. Responsible for the recognition of geological strata and the theory that successive layers of geologic transformations (strata) contained a fossil record of life in chronological order.

Why He’s Ignored: Despite his many great achievements, he’s largely unknown which may be due to his religious zeal and the fact that the Catholic Church in the 17th century is best known for the Galileo Affair. Yet, even when his theological studies and religious duties caused him to put his natural science studies in the back seat, he never totally abandoned them and no one in the Catholic Church saw anything wrong with it. Still, his story doesn’t go well with some people’s point of view with the science vs. religion debate because Steno didn’t see such a conflict at least when it came to the his relationship with the Catholic Church in his later years. Was said to be a decent bishop though.