While there are certain cards that you can send to your loved ones on the holidays, you can look at postcards all year round. Despite that my last vintage postcard post wasn’t as popular as the ones on vintage Christmas cards or valentines, many of these are quite unforgettable in their own right. But if you’ve enjoyed them, there’s still plenty more of them to see that you wouldn’t have written on to send to your mother. Still, you wouldn’t believe the kinds of bad vintage postcards there are out there. So if you’re tired of seeing those tacky postcards from my previous post, then I have a treat for you. So without further adieu, here are some more tacky vintage postcards for your pleasure.
1. So after God created practically everything known in the natural world, he created Texas. Good God.
Of course, everything is bigger in Texas, even egos and religiosity. Seriously, if Texans knew that the Last Supper took place where they live, they would’ve undoubtedly boast about it like there’s no tomorrow.
2. Sorry, I can’t understand German so I’m not sure why the guy has a torture device around his neck in the shape of a horse.
Still, you have to respect the creativity in how people in the Middle Ages used to torture people. Yet, that guy will certainly be in a lot of pain after he goes through it and if he survives.
3. Greetings from the Little Traverse Hospital and Burns Clinic!
Or the place where Bobby was sent after being caught in that house fire that looks like where you went to high school. Seriously, this resembles a AAAA high school where all the preppie kids went to.
4. For Valentine’s Day, why don’t you send your sweetheart one of a couple on love’s wings.
Of course, this is the perfect valentine to send to your girlfriend if she greatly enjoys the Terry Gilliam animations from Monty Python. Also, is that a feather winged polar bear?
5. Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving, except for the turkey that I’m going to shoot at.
Yeah, because nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” than a turkey’s inevitable demise to the receiving end of a Pilgrim’s blunderbuss.
6. Christmas Geetings from Chicken’s Rock, Lighthouse, and Sound. J. O. M.
Apparently the people of Chicken’s Rock don’t seem to be having a Merry Christmas this year as seen by the landscape of despair and desolation that would make someone with Seasonal Affective Disorder want to jump off and drown themselves.
7. This is either a cute little postcard or a scene of workplace miscreants.
Then again, I’m not sure why her rag is up her skirt or why it’s doing there. Oh, that’s her leg isn’t it? Still, it’s kind of sexually suggestive if you know what I mean.
8. A man’s love is like a firecracker sometimes it pops and sometimes it only fizzles.
Note the phallic imagery with a firecracker and I’m not sure if this postcard is referring to a man’s love as it is about a man’s sexuality. Still, if a man’s “love” fizzles we may have Viagra for that but men, you might want to consult your doctor first.
9. Of course, there are postcards for everything, even celebrating the birth of Nazi babies.
On the back it says, “May your new bundle of joy become a faithful servant of the master race. Heil Hitler!” Of course, what do you expect from a postcard with a Nazi swastika that now denotes anti-Semitism and white supremacy?
10. So, fellas, if the other team’s punter is a woman, just go right up to kiss her.
Of course, if Charlie Brown did this with Lucy more often, then maybe she would’ve let him kick the football. Then again, she’s into Schroeder so that might be sexual harassment at that point.
11. See if you have the perfect woman, according to the language of the Car Talk guys or your local mechanic.
Then again, maybe comparing women to cars isn’t a good idea. Also, many guys would say the same about their actual cars. Still, this postcard is pretty sexist especially with the boxes containing “twin exhausts” and “power steering.”
12. Hey, I didn’t know they had ball deodorant in those days. Didn’t know men need them.
Oh, I meant the kind of deodorant where it’s applied with a ball. Still, anyone who’s old enough knows the joke on this one is. Sorry, boys, but your grandfather joked about balls as well.
13. Vacations make strange seat fellows in some circumstances.
Wonder what their history is and why is she on the guy’s lap if she’s not his wife? Then again, the guy may be lying about not knowing her.
14. Greetings from Coney Island, where you can get red hot frankfurters, sauerkraut, and dog shit on the waiter?
Man, did it suck to be a black guy in those days. Even the dog waiter is being treated better than he is. Also, I hope it’s ground meat and not something I think it is.
15. Greetings from the Damm family from their family camper for they’re having a wonderful time.
Still, I wonder what happened to their son Amster Damm. Nobody seems to hear about him despite the song. Also, I’m sure May B. is becoming kind of a flapper.
16. I have a bad feeling about a sheep between the man’s legs.
Let’s just hope it’s just some idiot who wants to ride one. Seriously, I have a bad feeling about this postcard, which suggests something depraved.
17. Of course, when dogs gotta go, they gotta go.
Still, if these dogs need to pee, then why the hell are they waiting to use the tree. I mean when a dog has to relieve itself outside, it just does it, no ifs, ands, or buts. Besides, they also use fire hydrants.
18. Amish people sure do love Intercourse, PA, which was named after an old tavern stand.
Of course, I’m sure the town of Intercourse sells a lot of merchandise. Yet, I’m positive it’s not because people like their Amish country. May have more to do with the fact the town has an unintentionally dirty name. Yes, there’s a real town called Intercourse, look it up.
19. Performance Art: Creating the stuff of nightmares since your grandparents’ generation.
I’m sure any adolescent boy who views this is just going to be terrified out of his mind, instead of titillated. Then again, he may be both.
20. Of course, you’re never too young to start smoking.
Still, what people may find cute one generation, others may find disturbing during the next. This boy is sure going to have his whole life ahead of him with his lungs full of tar.
21. Hey, I didn’t know James Cagney played Thomas Jefferson. Oh, wait, he didn’t.
Still, this reminds me more of a 18th century Jimmy Cagney about to sing “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” than the sage at Monticello. Nevertheless, this is a terrible wax representation of an American Founding Father.
22. Never have I seen a bunch of ladies this bored at a whiskey festival.
“Hey, cheer up, Gladys, with all this booze, this could be your lucky night. When a guy is loaded, he thinks any girl is attractive. Trust me, that’s how I met my husband in Vegas.”
23. Just another day at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy hunting lodge.
I’m sure it wouldn’t be that fun to pose with these bears if they weren’t shot and mounted as hunting trophies first. Still, I’m sure you couldn’t get away with these photo ops nowadays or PETA would be all over your ass.
24. At least being a member of Starfleet has its perks such as having the crew go on shore leave at lovely snow planet ski resort and spa.
Still, knowing that these skiers are wearing red shirts, I have a good feeling that neither of these ladies will ever see them again. We all know what happens to redshirts during these planet scenes. Also, why are those women wearing swimsuits indoors?
25. Now before you go on your hunting trip in the Alps, here are some German words you need to know.
I’m sure that clock is just an antique that only Dick Cheney could love. Still, the “Schnitzelbank” reminds me of an Animaniacs sketch for some reason.
26. See the bikini beauties from Hampton, Iowa?
Let’s just say that if you live in a town that’s desperate for tourists, putting a beautiful bikini clad model on the local postcard will sure solve everything. Yeah, right.
27. Flatten your tummy by as much as 4 inches instantly with a Compresso belt for just $3.98. Over 1 million satisfied customers.
Or as we know these undergarments, “spanx.” I’m sure we didn’t call them by that name in those days but spanx have been around for so many generations. And your grandma wore them a lot more often than you’ll ever have.
28. No cowboy could ever round up them little doagies without his trusty giant Jackalope.
The back of this postcard says, “This rare species of Jackalope used in cattle roundups are very dependable and easily trained. A breed of Antelope and Jackrabbit. their cries often sound human and tuneful, probably form hearing cowboy songs at roundup time.” I’m sure this is totally not bullshit (it is since rabbits can’t be that huge).
29. Aww, see Jesus with those dear little children come unto him.
With wax children this creepy, I can see why Jesus’ apostles were rather concerned about them. Still, those kiddies don’t seem completely innocent to me. I just wish Jesus could just get the hell out of there before those tykes try to murder him.
30. Here is Miss Perma-Vend awing at this handy plastic sealing doohicky. I don’t know what the hell this is.
Oh, it’s a laminator for certain items you don’t want to get wet. Still, Miss Perma-Vend seems to really be excited about this for some unknown reason.
31. Go to the Bible museum and see Salome’s dance of the seven veils.
And I thought these Christian museum places were supposed to be family friendly venues. Still, I’m sure Salome’s dance didn’t go quite like this, as far as the Gospel writers had in mind.
32. Please don’t pick the flowers off this woman.
Yet, by the look at her face, she sort of wants you to, if you know what I mean. Either that, or the flower stems in her nipples must be very painful.
33. The visible woman bares all for everyone to see.
For God’s sake that’s going to far and she really needs to cover up. Maybe she should just change into skin. Then again, this image was probably made for scientific purposes.
34. See, kiddies, cotton picking is fun. Really, look at how happy this little tyke is picking cotton.
Of course, we have to understand that cotton picking is not fun and it can result in a lot of cuts and scrapes if you do it long enough. Otherwise, Southerners wouldn’t have made slaves do it (and we fought a whole war over slavery). Not only that, but cotton is now picked by machinery.
35. The three bares say hello from the beach.
I know this is just a drawing for laughs but seriously? I don’t think a postcard with young girls’ bare butts is in any way appropriate. Still, they’ll soon have their tushies wracked with sunburns and splinters before long.
36. See the deranged sea horse fountain at the Dadeland Mall in Florida.
I’m sure this horse seems harmless. Yeah, it appears inflicted with some kind of Mad Horse disease from the Gulf of Mexico. Still, why have that at a mall fountain, I have no idea.
37. For young people, ping pong has always been a wholesome and leisurely activity, even to watch.
I’m sure these people are bored stiff watching this and are waiting this photo op to be over so they could bring in the beer. Let’s just say that it would basically lighten the mood in this joint.
38. On this edition of Stupid Pet Tricks we have two poodles named Twinkle Star and Super Star performing a rendition of their own, “That’s Why the Lady Is a Tramp.”
Perhaps this is the postcard that inspired David Letterman to do his Stupid Pet Tricks segment on late night TV. Still, Super Star may be “a celebrity that blows his own trumpet.”
39. Ladies and gentlemen, may introduce Paul Bunyan: Lumberjack and axe murderer.
I’m sure Paul Bunyan is determined to take his suppressed rage to the world since his dad hated it when he put on women’s clothing and hanged around in bars.
40. Out of all the Christian postcards I’ve seen, at least this one makes a valid point about the nuclear arms race.
Nevertheless, while the prayer may be rather thought provoking, this postcard is hard to take seriously with a tacky Jesus statue and a guy who resembles Bill Murray dressed as Colonel Sanders.
41. Of course, this bikini beauty seems to use flowers to cover her boobs.
Once again, having those flowers on can’t be good for the nipples. Then again, maybe they’re taped. Still, I can’t believe they could get away with this in those days.
42. Sorry, I’m afraid Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Charming couldn’t come to save her from a long slumber so he sent his younger brother Ed to do the honor.
While Prince Ed wasn’t a bad guy, he was not exactly charming to say the least. In fact, he was known to have a genetic disorder that resulted in a freakishly tall head.
43. This chimp seems to be having more fun than a barrel of people.
Then again, whenever I’ve seen people in barrels on TV it’s more or less to say that they’ve been robbed of everything including the shirt on their backs. That, and possibly murdered. Still, chimps must use big barrels or something.
44. Come to our South of the Border restaurant and see our statue depicting negative Mexican stereotypes.
I’m sure actual Mexicans visiting this restaurant would be sincerely offended if the joint is owned by a white guy and the food available is about as Mexican as the stuff at Taco Bell.
45. Hey, I didn’t know they had Hairspray back in the day.
Oh, I forgot, Hairspray is musical made not to long ago adapted from 1980s movie. Still, I’m sure nobody would want to send their parents a postcard depicting something like this.
46. Florida is a great place to have a picnic, underwater.
Here is one lady feeding some scraps to the fishies. Fishies seem to like lettuce. Still, the food must be very soggy to eat in that tank but at least she has a device to breathe through. Yet, I don’t know how she keeps her hair nice like that.
47. See flipper jump through a burning ring of fire.
I’m sure PETA is going to be very upset at me for posting this. Still, even if it exhibits animal cruelty, it looks pretty awesome.
48. Now here’s a black bear scavenging for food in its natural habitat, kids, so don’t feed it.
I bet any money that the bear is either going for whatever’s in the trash can or to the kids watching it. Then again, there’s the person taking the picture.
49. Here is a wax reenactment of Leif Ericson landing in North America.
Actually that Viking display looks more Minnesota Vikings or Wagner opera than actual Vikings. I mean the Vikings didn’t wear horned helmets since that would be stupid. Still, at least they got Leif’s hair color right for his dad was Eric the Red.
50. You know who loves Lawrence Welk? Bitches love Lawrence Welk.
I’m sure your parents all liked watching the Lawrence Welk Show than they were kids. Then again, they probably thought watching that show was more painful than having to go through a root canal.
51. Now here is a statue of Adolph the dolphin.
Actually when I hear the name “Adolph,” I don’t think of an adorable dolphin. Rather I think of a German dictator who killed a bunch of people in concentration camps and started a major world war. Also, the dolphin kind of looks pretty mean.
52. While you see Florida beaches as a vacation spot, alligators see them as an all you can eat buffet.
Wait a minute, alligators don’t live in saltwater environments. They live in freshwater swamps like the Everglades. Then again, only in Florida.
53. Please pray for the Nelsons in Ghana.
And dear Lord, please give them the strength and courage to overcome their ghastly fashion sense. I mean it’s nice for them to go with traditional dress but a brown and yellow color scheme? Dear God!
54. Dig those Los Angeles Freeways.
Because of Los Angeles reputation for congested traffic, you’ll be on them for a very long time. Seriously, you don’t want to be stuck in an LA traffic jam.
55. Sorry not to see you in Sunday school so come next time, or we’ll murder you.
I know this is supposed to be a more uplifting and welcoming message on this postcard. Yet, seeing these creepily drawn kids, urging you to go to Sunday school seems more of a threat.
56. Greetings, from that sleazy motel where your father’s staying after he left your mother for his cheap ass secretary Karen.
I know this is more of a bungalow vacation spot for travelers. Yet, the hot pink walls and that neon sign give it the kind of “no-tell, motel” vibe that makes it seem like a place for hookers or adultery.
57. Now introducing the Martha Stewart rotary dial telephones available in eight different colors.
Of course, you know that this postcard is vintage when you see rotary dial telephones in them. Still, this woman seems so happy that she wants them all despite none of them matching her dress.
58. Men, make sure to wear a Botany 500 suit for your next one night stand.
I’m sure “come on strong” and “go all the way” don’t seem to be taken out of context especially since he’s seems to be with a woman in a residential setting. And they seem to be making eye contact as if they’re about to do it. And they say hookup culture only took place in my generation. Hell, this has to be from the 1970s at the earliest.
59. The Invisible Woman goes back home to her family in Texas.
I’m sure the Invisible woman isn’t showing herself wearing her new cowboy shirt in this due to her embarrassment to be photographed with her old man in what almost resembles blue pajamas.
60. Watermelon always taste great underwater.
Of course, when she’s on dry land, it’s going to be a pain in the ass to get all the seeds out of her hair. Still, she seems to be greatly enjoying herself.
61. Who knew that you can go hang gliding and water skiing at the same time?
Remember kids, this man may make gliding through space on a giant kite while on water skis seem awesome but you should never try this at home ever. Still, at least he’s not wearing a speedo.
62. Now this dog seems to be all dressed up and ready to go.
I’m sure this dog is now shirking in embarrassment for having to pose for this postcard in this idiotic outfit. I mean, people won’t even dress their kids up this way, let alone a dog. Also, dogs have fur so they don’t need clothes.
63. Greetings, from the City of Rocks.
The Lord Almighty sure does have a sense of humor doesn’t He? Still, I wonder if anyone noticed what that rock formation looks like before taking the photo for a postcard. Then again, this card sure won’t make your visit unforgettable.
64. All a girl needs is her enormous beach ball and her trampoline.
I’m sure her trampoline must be enormous to have her jump that high into the sky. Then again, it’s probably photoshop.
65. Looks like this guy has a knack for shooting mink and foxes for fur coats.
PETA is going to be so angry with me after I do this post. Still, I hope those are mink and not foxes because white mink are domesticated.
66. “Hey, kids, looks like we need to eat and we’re out of gas, which way should we go?”
Still, I’m sure there are plenty of rest stops that service both food and fuel. And even in plazas where there’s a restaurant, a gas station is not far behind.
67. Come spend a week in paradise at the North Pole Motel.
I’m sure you’re not going to see Santa in these parts. Of course, he may go there for vacation in January after delivering presents to all those kids during the holidays.
68. Aww, look at that cute chimp in the, why wait a second? I don’t think the Indians will be too thrilled about this little ape mocking their traditions.
Let’s just hope this little ape isn’t a mascot for some college sports team with an Indian mascot. Still, at least it’s not in African dress, which would’ve been more offensive.
69. Well, when I don’t put in a blog post for a few days, I kind of feel the same way.
Of course, I’m sure this perhaps one of the few postcards I’ve shown in which the bare butt display is intentional. Still, that baby doesn’t seem up to no good.
70. If you’re the parish priest, why don’t you celebrate Mass with style wearing these top of the line vestments in the latest fashions?
I’m sure we really need a postcard for this? Seriously, ads for priestly vestments? The monks at Saint Vincent College would sure get a kick out of this.