And Now a Word from Our Sponsor: ACME Superhero Insurance

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Are you a superpowered or heavily equipped costumed vigilante who spends considerable amounts of time battling equally powerful bad guys who want to wreak mortal peril and havoc on the general public just for the heck of it?  While using your God given superpowers to save mankind, do you find yourself having to plow through buildings, demolishing half of a metropolitan area, or killing countless innocent civilians, having to temporarily “borrow” somethings you’ll probably forget about later, or jaywalking? Has your heroic antics led to rising costs of living in the city, potential lawsuits, and the lack of respect from your human beneficiaries due to causing collateral damage and the fact the villains usually keep coming back to fight another day?

Yes, we know that there are infamous supervillains roaming around the DC and Marvel as well other comic universes that can’t be stopped by your friendly neighborhood law enforcement agencies. Face it, a supervillain is just too powerful for local police to stop which is where superheroes like you come in to save the day. After all, if it wasn’t for you to stop the bad guy with your kick ass techno gadgets or God given superpowers, then whole cities would be destroyed and countless of civilians could be enslaved or dead. Perhaps the supervillain is planning some kind of apocalypse that needs to be thwarted or it could be the end of the world as we know it.

As everyone knows in the Marvel and DC as well as other comic book universes, extensive collateral damage is an endemic unfortunate side effect of practically every time superheroes and supervillains confront each other. Large parts of cities are leveled, countless buildings are smashed and destroyed, and weapons are fired in every direction potentially hitting innocent people. Oh, and there are explosions. Lots of explosions. Sure you’ve saved the day and everyone’s grateful enough to give you a ticker tape parade in your heroic efforts. Yet, after the celebrations die down, people aren’t going to be too happy with you since your efforts in making the world a safer place has its share of unfortunate consequences for your human beneficiaries. Superhero battles can cost civilians not just their lives, but also their homes, jobs, loved ones, property values, businesses, money, and other things, which could potentially lead you to be subject to class action lawsuits, criminal charges in property damage that could land you for years in a maximum security federal prison, accusations of terrorism, public disgrace, and other unfortunate outcomes that you probably can’t afford with your day job salary.

Sure you may have a secret identity to shield you from the unfortunate consequences of your vigilantism. Of course, you may also have a secret identity for reasons like wanting a normal life away from your superhero activities, wishing to protect your loved ones against enemy retaliation, desiring privacy from the celebrity limelight associated with caped crusaders, or because your insurance policy doesn’t have a superhero clause. However, what most superheroes don’t understand that having a secret identity isn’t 100% effective. While trying to protect that secret identity, superheroes are often place in the worst kind of situations that threaten to expose it. Besides, everyone is going to figure out who you are eventually. There must be someone at The Daily Planet who’d figure out why Clark Kent bears an uncanny resemblance to Superman, often cuts work during an alien invasion with last recorded sightings at phone booths, and never shows up during Superman appearances. Not to mention, there must’ve been some time when Dr. Bruce Banner lost his temper in public which would lead him to making a scene as the Incredible Hulk only to proceed in smashing everything in the process. Of course, someone is bound to find why Peter Parker’s girlfriend is kidnapped by some mad scientist supervillian, he’s bound to certainly know. And the city of Gotham will certainly have to figure out that Batman is never going to save the day while some supervillain is holding local millionaire Bruce Wayne hostage for a significant amount of time.

Here at ACME Superhero Insurance, we specialize in taking care of all your superhero needs at a reasonable price whenever your battle with a powerful supervillain or aliens results in extensive collateral damage. We’ll cover the costs of cleanup and repairs as well as the presumably generous settlements for those who want to sue your spandex ass as well as prosecutors who want to indict you for the countless civilian deaths you caused. Yes, we’ll make sure these lawyers manage to get you off on the Good Samaritan laws because hundreds of casualties in New York are a small price to pay when it comes to saving the world from possible global annihilation. We’ll recommend to you a list of lawyers who would be happy to tend to your legal needs in case you’re either sued or indicted on damages. We also have our special team of operators and agents standing by 24/7 for any questions you may ask such as: How do I deal with surviving family members who want to see me in jail for accidentally shooting their loved one on the street? How can I afford your insurance policy on my photographer’s salary? How much do I pay Damage Control for cleanups and repairs? How do I control my anger so I don’t have to turn into a green angry monster smashing everything to hell and back? We at ACME Superhero Insurance provide you with all this at an affordable price that’s accommodating to your finances because we all know that the average superhero isn’t some billionaire playboy with some big industrial corporation he inherited from his father.

For years ACME Superhero Insurance has has striven to provide exceptional service for so many caped vigilantes like you out there so you wouldn’t have to face the legal and financial consequences of your actions. We understand that superheroes like you make valuable contributions to humanity and try to live as upstanding citizens in a community. We know that you wish to use your talents and/or gadgets for public service in this world and you would eagerly defend it against imminent threat of supervillains, aliens, nukes, exceptionally unstable criminals, mad scientists, doomsday machines, and you name it. We know that there are negative repercussions in the business of saving the world but that doesn’t mean that you should be impeded by the  legal and financial consequences that might ruin your life. Because of our policy to provide quality affordable insurance coverage to superheroes across the nation in all comic book universes, we have become one of the most trusted names in the business with countless satisfied customers. Take a look at some of their testimonies:

“After saving the day by defeating General Zod in an epic battle with my super strength, I was soon labeled a terrorist by the US government for wiping out half of Metropolis and 87% of Smallville that amounted to $2 trillion in damages as well as countless casualties. Thanks to ACME Superhero Insurance, I was able to get off on Good Samaritan laws and avoid a life sentence at a federal maximum security prison.”-Superman

“Hulk rely on ACME Superhero Insurance whenever Hulk angry! Hulk  get into violent fights a lot and smash lots of things! Most people Hulk beat up deserve beat up or annoy Hulk! Hulk not actually look for trouble but world cause lots of trouble for Hulk! Make Hulk Angry! ACME Superhero Insurance cover Hulk good for collateral damages always there when Hulk need out of trouble smashing can’t solve! GRAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” – The Incredible Hulk

“With college and my work as a news photographer, I usually don’t have enough money to pay for some basic necessities, let alone the money to pay Damage Control to clean up after me or to all those families who lost loved ones while I was trying to save the city from some of the most dangerous guys out there. Thanks to ACME Superhero Insurance, I don’t have to worry about breaking the bank when I have to face Dr. Octopus.” – Spiderman

“As a vigilante man, I kill a lot of criminals in the most brutal and sometimes imaginative ways possible since finding and executing them is my greatest passion in life after my family was killed in a Mafia crossfire. Yet, there probably have been times when I accidentally shot the occasional innocent bystander. ACME Superhero Insurance allows me to pursue that passion and is always there whenever I need to get out of some legal problem, usually relating to murder. Apparently my one-man war on crime is illegal under US law so ACME Superhero Insurance always helped me with finding a lawyer who’d help me get off on self-defense or temporary insanity.” -The Punisher

“Since I’m well aware that many mutants have powers that can destroy whole cities, I always recommend ACME Superhero Insurance for my students and the X-Men.” – Professor Charles Francis Xavier

*All applicants must have experience in superhero activities prior to signing with ACME Superhero Insurance. Also, premiums are based on income and destructive potential and are subject to drastically change since many of our customers tend to rack up damages costing in gazillions of dollars. ACME Superhero Insurance doesn’t cover crimes and damages for the customer’s time under his or her secret identity. Also, ACME Superhero Insurance doesn’t protect against secret identity and wardrobe malfunctions since we specialize in the legal and financial consequences of superhero actions.

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One response to “And Now a Word from Our Sponsor: ACME Superhero Insurance

  1. Very funny! The good guys certainly do a lot of damage while they are saving the world. They better protect themselves!

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