Deck the Halls with These Christmas Craft Projects (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 2, 2017

No matter where you go during the Christmas season, you’re bound to find places all decked up for the holidays. Hell, you see stores all decorated for the holidays after Halloween in anticipation for Black Friday. Yet, even before then, you’ll see stores selling Christmas decorations. Nevertheless, Christmas decorations come in several varieties according to one’s taste. Some are indeed flashy. Some may be more suited for a rustic cabin. Some are cute and kid friendly. While some might be more appropriate for an ugly sweater party. But there are some people who prefer to make their own decorations for their holiday home. Or they may use decorations they or their kids made in previous years. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of creative Christmas craft projects. Enjoy.

How about a cork Rudolph on your Christmas tree?

Sure it’s quite small. But it’s nonetheless endearing to those who look at it.

2. A Christmas bauble wreath will shine in any holiday home.

This one is more pink and green than red and green. But it works.

3. Nothing smells as sweet on Christmas like peppermint trees.

Comes in 2 sizes. But both have their own pots and red ribbons.

4. Celebrate the season with a wood block nativity scene.

Sure it might look a bit unconventional. But if you have kids, it’s safe for them to play with.

5. Curl up on a winter’s night with this Snowman quilt.

He may not have corn cob pipe. But this Frosty the Snowman is in his Christmas finest.

6. Bring holiday cheer to your Christmas tree with these pearly snowflakes.

Of course, the pearl beads aren’t real. But they’ll go well with a chilly reception.

7. These snowman pail will always plant seeds of joy.

Okay, they’re flower pots with pail handles. But each one has a rather unique expression.

8. Nothing brings the holiday spirit like these pallet candles.

Though don’t put these near the fireplace. Since wood is rather flammable.

9. A rustic Christmas basket is exactly what you need for your holiday home.

This one contains berries, branches, pinecones, and lights. Perfect for any yuletide cabin.

10. There’s nothing that smittens like felt ornament mittens.

Sure they’re probably more decorative. But they nonetheless have their own unique charm.

11. You’ll always be safe with this soldier around.

this one is made out of flower pots as an outdoor decoration. Though I wouldn’t want to put it on my front porch.

12. Light up your home with these snowflake bottle lights.

Available in green, red, and blue. Yet, each one is decorated in a winter theme.

13. Nobody could resist a stocking covered in buttons.

Consists of Christmas trees and yellow stars. A charming addition for any fireplace.

14. Don’t have snow to build a snowman? Use logs instead.

Not exactly in the wintry spirit. But hey, it works. Not to mention, you can use these again next year.

15. Welcome your yuletide guests with a yarn ball winter wreath.

This one has yarn balls of every shade of white, gray, and brown. Along with a few snowflakes, of course.

16. Celebrate the season with a Santa burlap wreath.

This one just consist of white burlap and a Santa hat. Just simple to make as that.

17. Make your home festive with a Christmas chandelier.

Well, if you have a chandelier in your home, why not decorate it? Then again, step ladders aren’t always steady.

18. If you’re old fashioned, you might want to go with some crocheted angels.

Available in pink, yellow, and blue. Great either for centerpieces or tree toppers.

19. Have your little one cuddle with this amigurumi reindeer.

Sure it may not be Rudolph. But it’s nonetheless adorable for the holidays.

20. Light up the season with this light up marquee.

Sure it makes a rather grand impression. But you have to love the candy cane stripes.

21. Dress your little snowflake like Frosty in this tutu costume.

Comes with a crocheted scarf and hat. But she’ll certainly adore this as far as I know.

22. You’ll be transported to a winter wonderland with this wreath.

This one is quite fuzzy. But you have to admire the deer among the trees.

23. You’d find berries a plenty on this wreath.

Even includes a red flower with branches. Wonderful for any holiday home.

24. Got too many gift bows? How about make a wreath?

This one consists of bows in green, red, and white. They may not be essential as gift wrap. But they’re not half bad.

25. Bring tidings of comfort and joy with these Santa baskets.

Each one of these has a Santa face with hat fastener. Perfect for under the tree.

26. Hang your merry mail on this wooden card holder.

Just consists of a wooden board with string and clothespins. If you have many cards, this is the board for you.

27. For a more rustic charm, you can’t do wrong with this sled.

You might not sled with this. But you have to love how it’s painted in red and white.

28. Snuggle during the holidays with these snowflake cushions.

These are in shiny red with a snowflake on it. Not sure if it goes with the chair though.

29. Bring in the season with these holiday sheep.

They’re knitted with a small ornament around their necks. Quite invented and adorable.

30. Keep your home minty fresh with this candy cane wreath.

Consists of mini candy canes and small baubles. Like the ribbon in the front.

31. Grace your coffee table with this log candle holder.

This just consists of a long log with small candles on it. And you have some branches, pinecones, and berries underneath.

32. Place your pot on this crocheted Santa hot pad.

Kind of seems like a flattened Santa for some reason. Though it has a certain charm to it.

33. Make your home a winter wonderland with this yarn wreath.

Decorated with snowflakes and buttons. Contains snowballs and a large snowflake in the center.

34. A wreath with a pair of skates should always go with a sled.

Looks great against the tree. Comes with pinecones and a burlap bow.

35. Perhaps you might want a small nativity scene.

Consists of Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a sheep. And the figures are all made of felt.

36. Bring in the festive holiday season with this pallet box train under your tree.

Even includes a candy cane smokestack and peppermint wheels. Perfect for outdoors on the porch.

37. For holiday shimmer perhaps add a wire angel to your tree.

Consists of gold wire with shiny beads. And yes, it’s a rather pretty Christmas ornament.

38. A festive holiday home should always have a decomesh bauble wreath at the door.

Consists of baubles and silver string. Certainly shines for the holiday season doesn’t it?

39. Nothing captivates your family like these wooden Christmas figures.

These are made of wooden balls and wear red felt hats. And yes, they’re quite cute.

40. A jewelry Christmas tree will shine on your wall.

Consists of gold and pearls against a white background. Love it.

41. Be a maven in the kitchen in these Christmas aprons.

Comes with a child size snowman one for your favorite little helper. Still, you have to adore the Christmas tree design.

42. You can have a Christmas tree anywhere. Even on your wall.

Well, at least that’s a show of creativity. Just put a bunch of wall stuff in the form of a Christmas tree.

43. Every holiday bouquet should come with pinecones.

Don’t forget the glistening leaves, too. Sure they are no flowers. But what kind of flower do you associate Christmas with anyway? Well, besides the poinsettia.

44. Make your bannister the ultimate penguin slide.

Couldn’t do that at my house. But you have to adore all the penguins having fun. So cute.

45. You won’t get a chilly reception with these snowmen.

Yes, it just consists of their heads. But you have to admire the hat and scarves.

46. Have your guests hang their coat on these hooks.

It’s a wooden sign that says “Merry Christmas.” And it consists of red and green blocks.

47. A Christmas tree dress should come in all the trimmings.

Yes, I’m bringing in these on my post again. Yet, at least this one is rather color coordinated.

48. A jeweled Christmas tree should always have shiny stones.

This one has pairs of earrings on a velvet background. Love the star on top and the belt buckle base.

49. There’s nothing festive on Christmas like a peacock wreath.

Decorated with baubles, feathers, and fake plants. Great for anyone hosting a Christmas party.

50. These pallet trees will always stand out.

Consists of different configurations. Though I like the one with the revers chevrons.

51. A stunning snowflake should always have 6 points.

This one has beads on wires. But it’s perfect for any Christmas tree.

52. Perhaps you’d like these candy cane pillars in your winter wonderland?

The pillars have red and striped baubles of varying size. The planter contains small red and white ones though.

53. Nothing celebrates the Christmas spirit like an evergreen snowflake wreath.

I know you might think it’s strange. But you can almost make anything with an evergreen garland.

54. Always let it snow with this winter wreath.

This one has a sled that says “Let It Snow” along with snowflakes. Like the white ribbon.

55. There’s something minty about this wreath.

Well, it’s a wreath with peppermints on it. Doesn’t mean you can eat these candies though. In fact, you shouldn’t if they have glue on them.

56. Let your little elf cuddle with this crocheted snowman.

He’s clad in a vest, scarf, and Santa hat. Love the snowflakes on his green feet.

57. A snowball wreath is perfect for a winter’s day.

Well, the snowballs are most likely made from styrofoam. But the red ribbon gives a nice holiday touch.

58. Check out this lit up Santa sign.

And yes, it carries Santa’s catchphrase, “Ho, Ho, Ho.” Love the lights.

59. Celebrate the reason for the season with this peg doll nativity scene.

The three kings seem to have tiaras in this one. Still, these are so cute.

60. You’d need a heart of ice to resist this polar bear on the back of this chair.

This one has a Santa hat, holly, and a scarf. But you just want to hug it.

61. Wish everyone a “Merry Christmas” with these pine cone trees.

These just consist of pinecones with stars on them. And each one has its own pot.

62. Don’t forget to decorate your Christmas tree.

This tree is made with baubles within a frame. And yes, they’re all shiny and in different colors.

63. No winter wonderland is complete without a wreath like this.

Contains white berries, pinecones, and frosted branches. Great for any snowy day.

64. Your guests will be delighted with this Christmas window.

Sure the snowmen are painted. But you have to admit who doesn’t want to see these guys?

65. Perhaps a wreath can do with a plaid bow or two.

May look suited for a rustic cabin. Got to love the branches and pine cones.

66. Celebrate the season with this unconventional Advent calendar.

This one consists of pails with a little surprise in each one. The last one has a golden present.

67. You might be charmed with this Christmas pallet.

This one has a snowman and a star along with the words “Do you see what I see?” Great for any home.

68. Your kitchen is a winter wonderland with this muffin tin.

This is painted red with snowmen. Not for actual muffins but cute.

69. A decomesh snowman wreath won’t give you a frosty reception.

You’ll find it has a corn cob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. Though don’t expect it to come alive with a silk hat.

70. Don’t like wreaths? Hang this candy cane on your door.

This one has baubles and ribbons. Made with an evergreen branch.

71. Got old socks? Make snowmen out of them.

Each one has a little sock hat. Love the scarves. So adorable.

72. A ribbon and a couple flowers go well on a grapevine Christmas wreath.

Well, the ribbon and burlap wrap around the grapevine wreath. Includes pine cones and branches.

73. A red ribbon and jeweled belt buckle go well on a glass candle holder.

Well, certainly makes for a flashy Christmas decoration. Goes well on a table.

74. You’d love to be snowed in with these shutters.

All these shutters are white with scarves and black hats. And yes, they’re the most adorable assortment you’ll see.

75. Count down to Christmas with this felt Advent calendar.

Each day has an image related to the yuletide season. And you have Santa for Christmas Eve.

76. Don’t like wreaths? Why not hang some painted skates?

This pair depicts 2 different snowmen. Okay, one has a snowman. The other has a snow woman.

77. A Christmas wreath should always have some bundled branches.

This one contains some berries and pine cones, too. Love the ribbon though.

78. Every holiday kitchen matron should wear her own gingerbread apron.

Has a striped outfit with polka dot bows. Perfect for anyone who cooks Christmas dinner.

79. Perhaps I might interest you with a square Christmas wreath?

Other than the shape, seems to resemble a regular Christmas wreath. The red really stands out on this one.

80. Nothing makes your holidays bright like this painted dining chair.

This one’s painted blue with 3 snowmen. Contains holly leaves and berries on the back.

81. A snowman on a pallet always needs lights.

This one has an evergreen garland along a red pallet. Snowman looks sort of faded near the nose.

82. Dress your fireplace with this garland of baubles.

This is a rather colorful garland. Guaranteed to be a hit for festive Christmas parties.

83. With this branch hanging, you can put your family portraits.

And it seems that this one has 5 immediate members. Yet, you have to admire the baubles on this thing.

84. Care for a Christmas tree sled?

Though don’t use it to slide down a hill in the snow. Still, love the green.

85. You’ll always have a winter wonderland with this snow glass block.

You can even put lights in this like this one. And they certainly make the snowflakes stand out.

86. I’m sure you guests will be pleased with this Santa hanging.

Not sure what this is made of. But it certainly has a rustic feel to go well in any cottage.

87. Instead of a traditional wreath, perhaps go with a large poinsettia flower?

Though poinsettias are only seen during the Christmas season. Nevertheless, you have to love the petals and center.

88. With this Christmas wreath, you’ll find plenty of white berries.

Well, it at least gives an impression of snow. But you have to admire the bow.

89. This Christmas, you might want to hang some baubles to a frame.

And the baubles have snowflakes on them. Comes with a red frame and a green bow.

90. How about a Christmas tree made from twigs?

You’ll find plenty of decorations on here, too. Some of them appear to be small baubles for some reason.

91. You can’t have a Christmas bauble wreath without some snowflakes.

Sure it’s more suited for a winter theme. But it’s perfect for any winter wonderland.

92. You can count the days to Christmas with this Advent calendar.

This one is a simple red board with numbers inscribed. Just use a dry erase when you circle the day.

93. There’s nothing more festive during the holidays like a feathery Christmas tree.

Goes well with the snow. It’s a fine addition to any holiday home. Like the star.

94. For a rustic Christmas, place these wooden candles at the door.

These are just made from plain old logs. And they include matching flames and stars.

95. Bring in the magic of Christmas with a skate filled with evergreen branches and candy canes.

Well, it also contains other leaves and holly berries. And the red plaid bow makes a rather seasonal touch.

96. Store some of Christmas cookies in these flower pot snowman jars.

Though you might want to patch the bottoms. Still, these snowmen have such sweet smiles. Like the hats, too.

97. For those who’ve lost loved ones, you might want this Christmas decoration with an empty chair.

Kind of timely for me since I lost my grandfather in January this year. This year will be my first Christmas without him.

98. A candy cane snowflake could use some bows.

Or rather quite small ones. Still, you have to admire the fine design here. Lovely.

99. Deck your Christmas tree with your set of crocheted ornaments.

Each of these shows an aspect of the Christmas season. Are great for any tree.

100. If you love the wildlife, perhaps a snowy owl might suit you for the holidays.

After all, a snowy owl always blends in with the wintry forest. Love it.

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition) (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 27, 2017

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As we head into the Christmas season, children everywhere will be under Santa’s North Pole surveillance program by sending a little visitor to make sure they’re good enough for Christmas presents. The fact this cherubic elf is incredibly creepy is indisputable. However, what you may not know is that these elves on the shelves have a rather dark side. When you’re not looking, these terrifying elves can do rather unspeakable acts. After all, the elves can only “move” whenever the family is asleep or away from home. So you never know what your elf on the shelf might be up to during those unsupervised hours. Therefore, since so many elves on the shelves don’t conform to behavioral standards behind closed doors, I suggest that parents keep a good eye on their resident Elf on the Shelf and report any shenanigans to Santa at 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. In the meantime, take some time to look at another assortment of Elves on the Shelves who belong on Santa’s “naughty list.” By the way, most of these pictures aren’t for kids or are safe for work.

Looks like Ken and Blinky have something special for Barbie this year.

Guess this is based on “Dick in a Box.” Yeah, we know what’s in those gifts.

2. What the hell is Crinkle doing with that dog?

Seems like he has a pair of pliers. Okay, maybe I really don’t want to know here.

3. Once in awhile, Dangles likes to blow off steam.

He’s quite the sharpshooter. He could take down a bunch of birds all by himself.

4. “Say your prayers, Elmo.”

And we know Rinkly means business. So Elmo better give him what he wants or he’s history.

5. The Lego minifigs had enough with Buddy.

Though could you really blame them? We all know Buddy is a menace.

6. Nothing to see here but Bronco Billy and Plinko in a tent.

Bet this is a take off on Brokeback Mountain. Though whatever happens on the trail doesn’t always stay there.

7. Flicker just has to get a huff from the Elmer’s.

Yes, Flicker just needs whiff of the old school glue. Shame that Frosty hasn’t staged an intervention.

8. Flingle wants you to see his Budweiser sleigh.

Well, at least it’s quite Christmasy if you think about it. Still, this isn’t a family friendly Christmas display. Unless you’re a redneck of course. Though this might be an exception than the rule.

9. Seems like toys like to have their own fun once in awhile.

No, Glinkle! Can’t you see Barbie’s wasted? That date rape territory! Jesus!

1o. You might want to watch what’s in your kitchen.

He’s in the spatula jar isn’t he? I have a really bad feeling about this guy.

11. Dinkle Does was just doing some doodles.

Though I’m sure that doesn’t seem to reflect well on the kid. Yet, the kid seems quite young. Still, let’s just call it plain vandalism.

12. Apparently, Ken just went to far pissing off Vinkly.

So Vinkly chopped his head and put it in the tub. Though the whole scene was a mess. Yes, Vinkly is a sick bastard.

13. Once you go with Elf on the Shelf, you may never get rid of him.

And let’s just say, Ollie means business. Seriously, you better let him in before he kills you and your family.

14. Seems like Baxter has really made a mess on Sleigh Bell.

Okay, is that what I think it is? All right, kids, nothing to see here. You’ll know what’s going on here when you’re older.

15. Wonder why Tinklo’s wearing the bow on his, oh, never mind.

Is this a sex thing? Because if it is, I really don’t want to know. Still, I’m sure Elves on the Shelves must have their own “needs.”

16. Let’s hope that gun’s not loaded.

Otherwise, Tillo will cause some sort of “accident.” Let’s hope nobody’s home if that happens.

17. “Any last words, Woody?”

Oh, no, Gringlo’s got Woody tied up and is dragging him blindfold. Jesus Christ!

18. Sometimes Hank just wants to sit back and relax to a magazine.

I’m sure he only reads Playboy for the articles. Okay, maybe not.

19. Dinkle always goes for a Cold 45.

I guess this is a takeoff of the Billy Dee Williams Colt 45 ads. And yes, Dinkle is dressed as a pimp.

20. Behold, the Elvish Centipede.

Yes, this is horrifying. Well, it’s kind of supposed to be. After all, it’s a takeoff on The Human Centipede.

21. Inky just wants to make a late night visit.

Though the fact he left a rose at the windowsill might mean he’s creeping around. Sorry, but I don’t think she’s interested.

22. You don’t want to see Gumble when he’s drunk on gin.

He has an exactor knife in one hand and a gun in the other. And yes, he intends to use both.

23. Even Chuckie is scared of Elf on the Shelf.

Yes, Chuckie, we all know the Elf on the Shelf is a creepy as hell. But it’s remarkable for you since you’re straight out of a horror movie.

24. Bumble always likes to film dolls in the shower.

Sure she might be in towels. But Bumble is a very patient elf. Unless the doll shoos him out of the bathroom.

25. Best not to let Wilco in the kids’ rooms during the night.

Looks like he painted a little girl’s face. And I be he’ll blame that on her siblings if she has any.

26. “Perhaps you might want to try this.”

That’s a pregnancy test. Also, can toys really get pregnant? And is that elf the father?

27. Apparently, Paulie messed with the wrong swordfighter.

And there he lies in a chalk outline on a tiled floor. Though to be fair, the sword seemed kind of on the heavy side for him.

28. Oh, no! Snowball’s tied up Barbie on the train tracks!

Apparently, Barbie must’ve pissed him off somehow. But will someone come the rescue? Or will Barbie come to a horrendous death on the rails?

29. Apparently, Barbie and Clinker decided to tie the knot.

Though Clinker seems to take marriage as a ball and chain. I don’t see this lasting more than 5 years.

30. “Draw me like one of your French girls.”

Sure it’s a spoof off of a key scene in Titanic. But unlike Leonardo DiCaprio, Tinkler looks more like a creep.

31. Seems like Blinkle has written us a song.

Okay, maybe I don’t want to know what the song’s about. Since it doesn’t end well.

32. Once in awhile, Kringle pays a visit to Santa.

Well, that’s very disturbing. No, please don’t sit on Santa that way. Please.

33. “Quick put him in while he’s still tied up.”

Because since Jingler has been such a creep, Beetlejuice and Pee Wee Herman put him in the wood stove. I’m sure he won’t escape once the metal door shuts.

34. Looks like Ginger has gotten herself in a serious accident.

I’m sure she was warned about skiing down the high rise. But she didn’t listen.

35. Vincent Price isn’t pleased with Nibbler.

So he put that good for nothing elf in a pumpkin bin. Serves Nibbler right.

36. Apparently, Santa doesn’t pay his elves well at the North Pole.

So Quigley decided to turn to prostitution. Sure he may not be gay, but $20 is $20.

37. No, Jingles, you don’t draw on the baby.

But Jingles don’t care. Because like the honey badger, he don’t give a shit. Also, who’s Jordan?

38. “Now they will never find the body here.”

I’m sure they’ll find who Sparky killed in the cat’s litter box. Only takes a matter of time.

39. “Tonight’s special is Rudolph on the rotisserie.”

Poor Rudolph. I’m sure he never deserved to be reduced to venison. Tingler is a sick bastard.

40. Ingler can’t resist the sugar.

Yeah, he knows he has a substance abuse problem. But sometimes he has to satisfy his fix.

41. In this week’s TIME issue: Are You Elf Enough?

This is a parody of that one TIME cover with a woman who breastfed her son for far too long. But yes, it’s just as unsettling.

42. Even the hotdogs don’t like seeing Jimble on a bun.

Okay, that’s kind of weird. But the hotdog people is nevertheless a creative touch.

43. “The Parnells won’t know what got them.”

And with that, Wingler injected poison into the turkey. All the Parnells ended up in the hospital that very night.

44. “I’m just doing drug research, seriously.”

So why Flingle lives is a box is beyond me. By the way, I doubt if he’d use the cocaine for “research.” He has a problem.

45. Riggle has something to say for Christmas.

I’m sure such sentiment will put that elf on the naughty list. Because being evil is bad.

46. Oh, no, Pinky’s caused a train wreck.

And there we have Thomas the Tank Engine in flames. I’m sure Pinky’s maliciously cackling by now.

47. Charlie doesn’t care what you think about him.

This is supposed to be an Elf on the Shelf version of Charlie Sheen. And let’s just say he’s got a self-destructive side.

48. Seems like Ralphie’s taking this 50 Shades of Grey thing too far.

And apparently, he’s doing a few tricks to Barbie. Barbie, get the hell out of there! He’s abusing you!

49. Sometimes Linker likes to sit back and go fishing.

Uh, Linker, I think pet fish are off limits. Seriously, you don’t want to upset the kids.

50. Looks like Quizler’s gone online.

I see he’s looking at porn, right? I’m sure Susie’s parents won’t be happy about this.

51. Elker needs to satisfy his dark passenger.

I know this is another Dexter Elf on the Shelf. But this one has plenty of Christmas imagery. Besides, Elker needs Ken to pay.

52. “Wanna light?”

I don’t think you’re allowed to smoke here. Besides, secondhand smoke kills people, too.

53. Sometimes when you have to go, you gotta go.

And it seems he’s taking to bottles. Still, how much does he drink. He’s peeing like a storm here.

54. Oh, look, Hinky’s playing Scrabble with the cat.

And I see things have gotten scatological. Also, how can a cat learn to play Scrabble?

55. Best we not disturb Yodler here.

Don’t be ashamed. Everyone goes to the bathroom. Maybe best to shut the door.

56. Rex has had it with Pringles.

Okay, I can’t really blame Rex here. After all, the whole Elf on the Shelf thing is just creepy.

57. Looks like Wyatt really likes to doodle.

Yet, it seems like he’s put his own spin on the parents’ wedding picture. Boy, he sure doesn’t care for them.

58. “Sorry, Chuckles, but this place isn’t big enough for the both of us.”

Though I’m not sure if Zlinky has done a service or not. After all, clowns are pretty scary in the moonlight.

59. Oh, no, what has Clingo done to Fluffy?

I guess Fluffy’s in the microwave. Oh, my God, please let me be wrong.

60. Minky has a message for Santa.

And it seems like he wrote all that graffiti on the bathroom wall. Let’s hope he didn’t do it with a Sharpie.

61. Dazzler must’ve received a special award that’s just arrived.

That’s the legendary leg lamp from Christmas Story. I know it’s in poor taste, but that lamp has become a popular Christmas decoration since.

62. Elser loves to make it rain.

And he appears to wipe the Micklesons out at the bank. Bet they’re dreading their credit card bills.

63. Reggie sometimes likes to soak in the hot tub.

And here he’s with a couple of Barbies. Yes, you have a lot of perverted elves out there.

64. If you think these elves were bad in your house, just look what they do to each other.

Yes, these elves are all tied to a ceiling fan. And yes, it looks straight out of a horror movie.

65. Hinkler has developed an interest in pottery.

Okay, this makes the famous Ghost scene more terrifying. Don’t like how Hinkler’s looking over the Barbie’s shoulder.

66. Looks like Ike’s gone all Norman Bates.

Yes, he’s quite the Psycho all right. You can see the blood everywhere on this bathroom.

67. Seems like Flister wants something.

Oh, I see. Well, I guess these elves have “needs.” But still, I hope he doesn’t ring for it.

68. “Prepare to die, Kenny Boy.”

Yes, I have another Dexter one. But still, you can’t really get enough of these.

69. What does Glinger have with him?

Is that Santa’s head? Oh, Jesus Christ! And I thought Elves were supposed to be Santa’s trusted lieutenants.

70. What the hell has happened to Quincy?

Is he supposed to be a kidnap victim? Then again, it’s not like I’d pay the ransom on him.

71. Dashy knows his way around a car.

He says he fixed the brakes. But he’s wielding a pair of pliers. That can’t be good. So best not use your car until you talk to your mechanic.

72. The Lego minifigs have made their stand clear.

And they Spinkler tied up where they want him. Still, I can’t blame these guys for doing so.

73. Okay, what did Dinkybins do to the Furby?

Oh, he removed the batteries because he wouldn’t shut up. Wonder why.

74. “Open Gangelf Style.”

It’s a take off of “Gangnam Style.” Let’s just say it’s a Korean music video that went viral worldwide and leave it at that.

75. Oh, no, what’s Quinkler doing to Frosty the Snowman?

He’s putting Frosty into the combine! Please, somebody make him stop! I can’t watch.

76. No, Derek, you weren’t supposed to see that.

Apparently, the elf caught the parents having sex. Yes, it’s as horrifying as it sounds.

77. Seems like Flisher needs to find where this minifig needs to go.

That’s supposed to be Alan from The Hangover. You know the guy who basically screws everything up in those movies.

78. At least Batman and Superman can agree on something.

They may disagree with each other. But both Batman and Superman believe that Silco must go for the good of the Sirica house.

79. Daniel Day Elf is sure in an emancipatory mood.

Of course, we all know what happened to Lincoln. Nevertheless, this is pretty funny.

80. What’s Vinky doing with the scissors?

Don’t tell me he’s cutting off the mattress tag. They always instruct owners not to remove them for a reason.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Vintage Christmas Advertising of Yesterday (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 24, 2017

Now that Thanksgiving is over, it’s onto the Christmas season. And since it starts on Black Friday, I begin my holiday blog roll with my 4th annual Christmas ad post. Of course, I featured one depicting Santa Claus advertising Coca Cola. Yes, I know he’s not setting a good example since he’s promoting a soft drink that’s responsible for obesity and diabetes. But his association with Coca Cola is so well known that it’s iconic. Though as we’ve all seen, Coca Cola hasn’t been the only company to use Santa Claus to sell their product. In fact, far from it. Nor has Coca Cola been the first company to do so. Nevertheless, you’ll find plenty of ads plastered all over the place for Black Friday sales despite that you’re better off shopping for Christmas gifts in December. So if you have anything better to do, perhaps you might want to look into another installment of these vintage ads. Of course, you might think they’re filled with rosy imagery meant to tingle at your nostalgia. But I usually go for the ones that haven’t aged so well and contain disturbing implications. Whether it’s accidental innuendos, creepy kids, bad health advice, and what not. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of crazy vintage Christmas ads.

Want your Christmas happiness to last year round? Get a View Master.

And somehow Santa looks like he’s creepily enjoying your vacation photos. Face seems to suggest, “Guess little Johnny’s getting clothes for Christmas this year.”

2. Camel and Prince Albert always say “Merry Christmas with every puff.”

Because there’s nothing endearing on Christmas like the gift of lung cancer. Nevertheless, Santa sets a horrible example for children.

3. Always be choosey on Christmas with a new phone.

Though if you give someone a regular phone nowadays, they’d be like “You got to be kidding me.” Because most of us use cell phone now.

4. Nothing beats Christmas like a new Smith Corona typewriter.

And yes, girls go really crazy about this typewriter. Though seeing the girl’s face in the front might freak you out.

5. Reynolds aluminum wrapping paper is pure Christmas magic.

The wife’s all over how the gifts shine and sparkle under the Christmas tree. And the husband’s like, “Looks like I’m getting laid tonight.”

6. This year, make your Christmas an Avon Christmas.

Yet, the girl doesn’t really seem very enthusiastic about the make up display. In some way, she kind of illustrates how many women feel when receiving stuff like this.

7. With a Singer, you give a woman the gift of sewing.

Well, a gift in which she can sew your pants with. Still, not a fan of promoting female domesticity which seems to seep in these ads.

8. “Jackie Gleason Originals made by Manhattan make dan-dan-dandy gifts.”

Now I see why Jackie Gleason didn’t appear on his own Christmas album. Still, that fancy shirt is utterly tacky.

9. Play safe with Thermo anti-freeze.

Though why use a snowman to advertise a product to keep cars from freezing is beyond me. I mean we all know what anti-freeze is.

10. Spring Maid fabrics are always durable on ice.

But it seems like Amy should’ve worn snow pants since she suffered a major wardrobe malfunction while skating. Though the two guys on the bench certainly didn’t mind.

11. Nothing makes a boy happy on Christmas like his own Texaco truck.

However, leave him alone and he will use it to make you fall on your head. So you might want to avoid him like the plague.

12. L&M give a lot for your man on Christmas.

Yet, he likes his smokes as he plays with his toy trains. Meanwhile his wife smiles upon him just before she has to scramble into the kitchen to make a dish for Christmas dinner at his parents. But don’t worry, tobacco kills 1/3 of its users anyway.

13. Buy boxes of Spearmint for Santa to take round.

Though there’s something unsettling about this cartoon Santa. The mustache seems unusually shifty.

14. Need gift ideas for the holidays? How about a pair of inter-woven socks?

Didn’t think Santa could appear frightening in the moonlight. Also, not a lot of people want socks for Christmas.

15. Kuppenheimer always has good clothes for you and your family for Christmas.

Yet, I’m not sure who’s scarier in this one: Santa or the guy with the gifts who looks like the neighborhood psychokiller. Then again, Santa might want to watch his back.

16. Your son would adore his own Filmo camera on Christmas.

“Gee, now I can make my own pornos like Daddy. Man, you guys are the best.”

17. For this holiday season, Coca Cola is a taste that refreshes.

Though I’d rather stay clear of his North Pole workshop. Cause those elves certainly induce nightmares.

18. This Christmas, give him a hat.

Unfortunately, in later years fedoras went from distinguished menswear to undignified hipster attire. Kind of sad if you think about it.

19. “Playing Santa this year? Let your fingers do the walking.”

Now that has to be one of the most terrifying hand puppets I’ve ever seen. Then again, it was probably Thing’s turn to play Santa this year for the Addams’ family.

20. Please your woman this year by giving her a Sheaffer Stylist set.

A pen set? Seriously, that’s what you get a co-worker for Secret Santa. I mean it’s a gift that says, “I didn’t know what to give you for Christmas this year. And I’m too much of an idiot to ask.”

21. Kewpie dolls always make the perfect Christmas gift.

For the love, keep that thing away. I mean it looks like a deranged Casper in a Santa hat. And it doesn’t look friendly.

22. Coca Cola is a gift of good taste.

To be fair, the last house Santa visited had a bottle of Jack Daniels out for him. So don’t be surprise if he crashes into a skyscraper once he reaches Chicago.

23. Four Roses brings a thought for “tomorrow” that’s 2 months away.

Though October is way too early to decorate your Christmas tree. Then again, it’s an outdoor tree but still. Nevertheless, having Christmas ads before Halloween is ridiculous enough.

24. “It wouldn’t be Christmas without Whitman’s.”

Because if you’re both under the mistletoe, a box of chocolates is all you need for the bedroom. I mean we all know what mistletoe means in Christmas ads.

25. “Make your Christmas gift a Tomahawk.”

For there’s nothing like a great Christmas gift like a bladed axe. Other great gift ideas for lumberjacks include, butter scones, flower presses, high heels, suspenders, and a bra.

26. “It’ll be a merrier Christmas with the new Wonder Holiday Tree.”

I guess this is supposed to be a Charlie Brown tree with bells on it. Kind of looks sad if you ask me.

27. Please your loved one this Christmas with decorated Pyrex ware.

Though these casserole dishes seem appropriate for winter. If you want to give a decorated casserole, buy one with motifs good for all year round.

28. Even Santa wants you to buy bonds.

Because if you don’t, then you will not like what Santa will give you for Christmas this year. So buy war bonds as a patriotic duty. Also, why only 2 reindeer?

29. Put your child in the driver’s seat with this Hertz toy car.

Yet, once little Bobby’s in there, he’s sure to run over the cat with it with relish. So you might want to keep an eye on this budding psycho.

30. Santa always gives American toys for American girls and boys.

Don’t look now. But I’m not sure if I like how star-spangled Santa is holding these kids on his lap. Seems fairly sketchy for me.

31. Arthur Godfrey gives his Christmas best with Chesterfields.

Arthur Godfrey was a popular radio and TV personality during the 1950s who was known for his folksy warmth but was volatile and controlling behind the scenes. An on-air incident would later lead to his career decline. Ironically he’d later become an anti-smoking advocate.

32. For Christmas 1972, give yourselves a set of mannequins in your likenesses.

On second thought, don’t. Because that’s just creepy. Seriously, who’d want to have mannequins of themselves?

33. Give her the gift of beauty with Holeproof fine stockings.

And they just had to show her in a transparent robe, lingerie, stockings, and high heels. Definitely not something I’d wear on Christmas morning.

34. Give your son a Red Ryder Saddle Carbine this Christmas.

As you probably know, you’ll shoot your eye out with this BB gun. What? I saw A Christmas Story.

35. Entertain for hours during the holidays with a Revere projector and camera.

“And this when I chopped up Norman in the woodchipper. Because he was such a pain in the ass who had it coming. Soon as his dog crapped in my yard, I shot that son of a bitch dead.”

36. Keep your clothes clean during the holiday season with Breck detergent.

Still, that doll is guaranteed to kill Brooke Shields in her sleep. How she survived this shoot, I’ll never know.

37. “Can’t beat a Tupperware party for Christmas shopping.”

Though why have Santa in street clothes is beyond me. Also, Tupperware doesn’t exactly make a great gift.

38. When Santa takes a break, he always smokes Murad.

Because let’s just say giving gifts for all those kiddies really gets a lot out of you. Still, Santa isn’t really setting a good example here. More an example for kids to get lung cancer.

39. Frosty the Snowman wants you to give a real conversation for Christmas.

Other than the outdated rotary phones, Frosty seems absolutely terrifying. So you might want to buy one from him or else he’ll make sure you freeze to death.

40. White Owl Cigarettes are the quickest way to a man’s heart.

I don’t know about that. But I know it’s a quick way for a man to get cancer. Still, I don’t think Mrs. Claus will like seeing her husband sharing a smoke with a sexy blonde.

41. No Christmas baked goods should go without Carnation milk.

But poor Susie is such a procrastinator that she had to pull an all nighter to make her brownies. Let’s just say you don’t want to bother her at the office Christmas party.

42. Women always dig men who smoke their pipes with Prince Albert.

So, fellas, I hope all the lifelong heart and respiratory problems is worth it. Because we all know tobacco use doesn’t make you a hit with the ladies once the lung cancer sets in.

43. With Armour Star, you can make delectable appetizers.

On second thought, this looks really disgusting. So thanks but no thanks.

44. This Christmas, you can give her some Pyrex wares for $4.90.

Well, Pyrex does make great glass kitchen ware. But as a gift for her, not so much. Besides, Santa, what about the men who’d want Pyrex stuff?

45. Not sure what she wants for Christmas? Give her some Community spoons.

No, I don’t think women fantasize about spoons for Christmas. In fact, we ladies really don’t think much about them.

46. Ladies, use this little model to let your husband know you want this large store vac for Christmas.

Then again, at least he’ll get a hit. Still, what gets me is, why the hell would anyone want a vacuum for Christmas?

47. Give your wife a Eureka vacuum for Christmas. She’ll certainly love it.

But give me one of these, I will most likely scream. Seriously, I hate these things.

48. Joan Crawford always gives her friends a carton of Lucky Strikes.

And you thought she was terrible to her kids. Now you her giving the gift of lung cancer. Too bad many of her Hollywood friends died from tobacco related ailments.

49. Give your little girl this Cheerful Tearful doll for Christmas this year.

Though this doll is more of a Fearful Tearful doll than anything else. Mostly because she scares the living shit out of me.

50. Without Murad cigarettes what would Christmas be?

I don’t know, healthier? Because cigarettes inflict lifelong health problems and early death.

51. Nothing makes a family Christmas like a new Plymouth.

Yet, that boy seems like he’s utterly insane. Hope he doesn’t try to torture the family dog.

52. Coca Cola is always a refreshing surprise for Santa.

So little Sally just had to walk in when Santa was raiding the fridge. Hope St. Nick gives her what she wants or she’ll call the police for breaking and entering.

53. This Christmas, Santa Claus gives out Old Gold from his sleigh.

Santa, how dare you toss out cartons of cigarettes to all the girls and boys. Have you no shame? Aren’t you worried about the kiddies getting lung cancer?

54. For last minute gifts, you can always go with Four Roses.

For nothing makes the holidays merry like stocking up with booze. Available at your neighborhood liquor store.

55. Listen to your favorite Christmas music with a Telecron Timers clock radio.

Go ahead, listen to these disembodied heads with Santa hats this holiday season. Though if you work in retail, you might as well smash this clock radio with a sledge hammer.

56. Everyone’s eager for Seager’s at the office Christmas party.

Wait a minute? This is a family Christmas party. Well, in that case, the adults will be getting totally wasted. Too bad Aunt Bertha can’t join the fun since she’s the designated driver.

57. Fuel your holiday ride with Ethyl.

This is the oil company that had gasoline that contained tetralead as an “antiknock fluid.” Naturally, that additive resulted in widespread lead pollution along with life-threatening health problems.

58. Czechoslovakia celebrates Christmas with Walker’s Gin.

Sorry, but 1940s Czechoslovakia wasn’t a happy place thanks to WWII and the Iron Curtain Communist takeover. Then again, they’re probably really drunk right now.

59. There’s no better Christmas gift than something from HC Jewelers.

Let’s hope whoever gave this woman this necklace isn’t the old guy. Or if it is, let’s hope he’s her dad.

60. Clear heads choose Calvert Happy Blends for the holidays.

Didn’t know Arctic woodland creatures boozed up during the holidays. Hope those polar bears aren’t drunk on the sleigh.

61. Electric tree lights are always clean, simple, and safe.

Though that kind of electric lighting doesn’t look very safe to me. Still, I guess it’s in the context of the times. Also, that girl looks kind of freaky.

62. Pepsi always refreshes this woman’s slender figure without filling.

Sorry, but she won’t retain her slender figure with a Pepsi. Because soft drinks are notorious for causing diabetes and obesity.

63. This Christmas, give a Browning rifle.

I understand the need to make money. But save the occasional Daisy BB gun, real guns don’t make good Christmas gifts for obvious reasons. They’re not toys. They kill people for God’s sake.

64. Carnation Milk wish you “Peace on Earth” this holiday season.

Because we all know that kids could make lots of noise, am I right? Oh, and here’s a recipe for pudding as the little brats drive you up a wall.

65. Looks like Santa had a shaving mishap at the barber’s shop.

Yeah, seeing Santa without his beard is quite disturbing. Doesn’t look right at all.

66. “Here, kids, enjoy your new puppy I gave you.”

Sorry, but Christmas puppies are never a good idea at all (unless you or your family really want one and chose the dog well in advance). And no, Santa shouldn’t even bring them one for obvious reasons.

67. Santa always enjoys a good smoke with Murad cigarettes.

Yes, kiddies, Santa smokes. Get used to it. And yes, he’s being a terrible role model and doesn’t car if he gets lung cancer.

68. This Christmas, Santa recommends Dewar’s White Label as a Christmas Jubilee Spirit.

Apparently, even Santa likes to stock up on booze for the holidays. Hope he’s not wasted while he’s on his sled. Maybe that explains why he gives some children terrible Christmas presents.

69. This Christmas, put a Ford Pinto under your tree.

Doesn’t the Pinto have a reputation for exploding. So maybe a Pinto under your tree isn’t a good idea.

70. Santa loves to drink a Falstaff on his Christmas Eve rounds.

No wonder why Santa looks drunk sometimes. Somebody put him on a Twelve Step Program.

The Cosmetic World of Beauty Products

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 19, 2017

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I may not use many beauty products on a regular basis. But even I am aware how far women go to look beautiful. Or at least conform to the standards of beauty of any given time when people expect us to. After all, applying makeup has become a daily ritual for millions of women in western civilization. Every day, we’re all exposed to constant advertising for cosmetics, hygiene products, skin care stuff, hair care items, and anything to enhance on beauty. Because there’s anything advertisers know about women, it’s preying on their insecurities, particularly on personal appearance. Because if you want to get by in life, you have to look pretty, ladies. Or at least try to maintain your physical appearance. Though I usually try to get by with walking a few miles a few days a week along with a shower every other day. Because let’s just say during my high school and college years, I have very little time to paint my face and would rather have my morning routine be as brief as possible. Save on certain occasions like appearing on TV or weddings. Besides, makeup clogs pores, costs money, and doesn’t have the kind of oversight it should under the FDA. However, I do have a certain fascination of crazy products which I like to put in my blog. And beauty products tend to fall in that category. Do a search and you’ll find all kinds of stuff that’s said to enhance your physical appearance. Though I would take that with a grain of salt. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of ridiculous beauty products that you can actually buy. Despite that you actually have to be nuts to do so.

Skin troubles? Try some Besolbo Salmon Egg Return Cream Sleeping Renewal Pack.

According to a description: “With salmon egg being its key component, this cream is rich in vitamins and minerals beneficial to the skin. It regulates the skin’s moisture and nutrition production to be able to enhance its color, texture and overall condition. It is great for hypersensitive skin, aging/sagging skin and dull skin as it has nourishing properties that can help eliminate skin imperfections.” Not sure if I buy it.

2. Worried about wrinkles? Try some anti-aging serum with this non-surgical syringe.

Because why waste so much money on facelifts and Botox, when you can use this? Also, great for freaking out people who are afraid of needles.

3. Enhance your eyebrows with the Billion Dollar Brow Buddy Kit.

I think you have to put the pink oversized tweezers on your face. If you want to see how stupid it looks, there are plenty of pictures of women using it on the Internet.

4. For better skin, try Chia Seed no shine hydrating cream.

Didn’t know the seeds you use on Chia pets and heads had skin moisturizing properties. Said to be for particularly oily skin.

5. Let out your wild side with these animal print eye shadow tattoos.

Sorry, but animal prints are tacky. But luckily these are temporary.

6. Want to enhance your breasts without expensive plastic surgery? Try these.

Just put these 2 silicon falsies in your bra and no one will notice. Though you can also stuff socks in your bra which might be cheaper.

7. Want a nice shapely rear end? Then we have Booty Pop Panties for you.

Think of it as a push up bra for your ass. Bet this product was made possible by Kim Kardashian.

8. If that’s not for you, enhance your ass with Love My Bubbles Butt Pads.

Because it’s not just football players who need extra butt padding. Though they have more of a reason to use these.

9. Got some stray hairs on your face? Use this handy hair removal tool.

I know it looks like 2 bows you use to shoot at flies with tiny arrows. But if you have a stray hair, this will help you pull it out without much fuss. Also, a pair tweezers you probably already have.

10. If you have dry skin on your feet, try some Etud Bebe foot mask.

Because nothing feels better than to rid your drying skin through molting. Okay, that’s kind of disgusting.

11. Got dry, damaged hair? Treat it with Haeyo Mayo Hair Nutrition Pack.

Wow! Didn’t know that mayonaise was a hair enhancement. Yet, unlike the real Helman’s, it smells like vanilla. But don’t use it on your sandwich.

12. Want to ask how Miss Piggy has such fine skin? Now you can know her secret with this Pig-Collagen mask.

From Drama Fever: “Oink oink! Rich in nutritious elements, this pig collagen gel mask is made with 10,000 ppm collagen from pig skin. Why pig collagen you ask? Pig collagen, much like human collagen, helps to keep your skin hydrated skin and enhance it’s elasticity. This mask can help diminish fine lines, increase your skin’s luminosity, and promote supple, baby soft skin.” Uh, no thanks.

13. With JeNu Ultrasonic Infuser, your skin care products can go deeper into your skin.

For one, I have no idea how skin moisturizers work. Second, I have a strong suspicion this is a scam product for some reason.

14. Now put some false eyelashes on with the power of magnetism.

I can see the appeal of these since putting on false lashes must be a real pain in the ass. But since people aren’t made of metal, how are lashes supposed to stay up there?

15. With these lipsticks, your lips can match the color of your favorite vintage.

Yes, they resemble small wine bottles. And if you own a vineyard and want to earn a few extra bucks, perhaps consider selling these.

16. Clean your pores with this silisponge.

It’s supposed to save you from wasting makeup. Yeah, I don’t see the point of this either.

17. Keep your lips moist with some flower balm.

From Odyssey Online: “This balm stain applies on clear then reacts with your skin’s pH levels, uniquely creating the perfect shade of pink lips just for you. Each Flower Balm contains a real chrysanthemum in the color of your choice.”

18. Line your eyes with Inked Cushion Liner.

Said to be the #1 eyeliner at Hogwarts. Then again, they probably use some magic concoction from Diagon Alley.

19. Use every last bit with your very own beauty spatula.

Well, that seems rather handy. Except that the bottle seems rather large.

20. Dress your eyelashes with Besame Cosmetics mascara cake.

If you don’t like getting mascara from the tube, this is for you at $49. Also available in a rectangular box, too.

21. With these brushes, you can make applying makeup a magical time.

Each of these brushes has a unicorn horn handle and rainbow bristles. Please stop the unjust slaughter of these beautiful creatures.

22. Have your lips shine with Big Daddy lipstick.

These would be perfect for any sex dungeon, gay bar, or bachelorette party. Available at Spencer’s in all locations.

23. Customize your lips with Pony’s DIY lip palette.

Because why go with traditional lip shades when you have other colors to choose from? Available at your local rave party or clown store.

24. Treat your skin with some snail mucus cream.

From SPY: “While medical research on the connection between snail secretions and improved skin is still inconclusive, there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest this stuff actually works. Snail slime is secreted to protect their exposed bodies from harm (i.e. bacteria and UV rays), and thus the mollusks secrete a “slime” that is packed with elastin, antibacterials, proteins and glycolic acid. These “ingredients” are all commonly used in skincare to treat acne, aging skin and sagging. Countless reviewers swear by this stuff too, claiming it helped erase fine lines and helps to keep breakouts at bay.” I’ll pass.

25. Rose brushes keep all your makeup needs in one place.

Though all of them seem to be of similar size and thickness. Besides, those flowers don’t resemble roses.

26. Cleanse your skin with Grain Ferment Cleansing Sherbet.

Sounds like something you’d eat instead of what you put on your skin. Said to have all natural ingredients. Not sure what that’s supposed to mean.

27. Get luscious lips with a PMD “kiss” lip pumping device.

Said to plump your lips in a flash. Contains a super-potent lip serum according to SPY. Probably pass on this one.

28. Slim out your face with a Geranium Kogao Sauna Face Mask.

Oh, Japan, you never cease to amaze me. Though using a sauna bet to sweat out body fat is one, this is a whole other level.

29. Keep your face rejuvenated with this Donkey Milk Holic Sleeping Mask.

So before you go to bed, don’t forget to put some ass’s milk in your face. Said to provide vitamins and minerals, apparently.

30. Clear your acne woes with this Neutrogena Acne Clearing Mask.

From PopSugar: “Though you might look a bit like the newest member of Daft Punk while sporting this futuristic face mask, the benefits it claims to provide — clearer, healthier skin — are totally worth it.” Also doubles as a Halloween costume.

31. Look like a beauty queen with an Alterna Caviar Clinical Starter Kit.

Because nothing says, “I’m either very rich or have bad spending habits,” then $122 of fish egg based beauty products. Probably not worth it.

32. Get rid of those wrinkles with Placenta anti-wrinkle cream.

I suppose this is made with sheep placenta. Then again, it being from New Zealand shouldn’t surprise us. Though if we want to know the best anti-aging product from New Zealand, your best bet is the Ring of Power. Okay, it might work for awhile before turning you evil and insane. But that’s beside the point.

33. Every princess deserves the finest such as Azature Black Diamond Nail Polish.

Still, $250,000 is a bit much to spend for a bottle of nail polish. Seriously, you can buy a house with that kind of money.

34. Moisturize your lips with these gel face masks.

Supposed to hydrate and plump lips. Though wear it in public and people will think something’s up with you.

35. Make your skin shine with Broccoli Radiance Power Cream.

For nothing makes your face glow like using a cream containing a vegetable you were forced to eat as a child. Though perhaps eating broccoli might achieve the same results and more.

36. This smile trainer will help you put on a happy face.

Though from how I see the woman wearing it, I don’t think it actually works. But it works for me since it just looks totally ridiculous.

37. Get the lips you want with this plumper.

Seems like she’s sticking her swollen tongue out. Like she experienced some allergic reaction and now needs rushed to the hospital.

38. Keep your eyes perky with this eyelid trainer.

Also makes a great torture device. That one scene in A Clockwork Orange would’ve looked a lot differently with these to keep the main character’s eyes open.

39. Banish that double chin with this anti-double chin bandage.

One commentator on Bored Panda remarked, “Side affect of chin hammock: compression of the remaining facial features, resulting in Resting Bitch Face.” Doesn’t look very comfortable to wear either.

40. This nose straightener will keep your schnozz in check.

Said to come in handy if you’ve eaten beans. Or if the farm next to you has just spread manure.

41. For an elegant profile, go with this nose shaper.

Though it only works best when you’re snorting. Otherwise, not so much.

42. Enhance your beauty with this quality nose shaper.

Let’s just say if Adrien Brody doesn’t feel like he needs these nasal enhancements, neither do you. Unless he works at a pig farm.

43. Do you eyebrows right with this stencil.

Yet, I’m sure this will make you a darling at the Star Trek convention. Don’t be surprised if Captain Kirk wants to add you to your collection.

44. Getting your facial tattoo? Might want to rely on this for some measurements.

Now if you plan on getting a facial tattoo, I have just one question: Why? Seriously, getting a tattoo on your face is just incredibly dumb in itself.

45. Put less strain on your face with is face massager.

Hmmm…might actually work. Also does well as a cat toy.

46. Give your skin the golden touch with a face mask of gold leaf.

Though that treatment didn’t work for a blonde woman from Goldfinger. Then again, she didn’t willingly use a gold treatment either.

47. A silicone face mask is perfect for your beauty needs.

Anyone bet this is used to keep the night creams on your face. Still, looks like a badly done clown makeup job.

48. Enhance your beauty with this facelift bandage with spikes inside.

As someone on Bored Panda wrote: “She looks like she could do with a nice glass of chianti and some Fava beans.” Also, the spikes inside can’t be comfortable.

49. Tone your face with this anti-wrinkle face mask.

Also works well in holdups, killing teenagers, and Halloween. Guaranteed to freak out the neighbors.

50. Speaking of anti-wrinkle masks, this one banishes the lines on your face guaranteed.

A must-have for the latest dominatrix couture for all your BDSM sex dungeon. Available at all kinky sex shops nationwide.

51. Get smooth feet with an Amope Pedi Perfect.

It’s a power sander for your feet which you can use for sandal season. So you won’t have to wear socks under them and look like an idiot.

52. Enhance your face with this anti-wrinkle half face slimming cheek mask.

From Allure: “A neoprene mask that looks like it’s from Hannibal Lecter’s Hello Kitty phase, the device supposedly contours your face while you go along with your day. You can do dishes, read a book, watch some TV, all while wearing a face-only Power Rangers costume.”

53. Get rid of excess cellulite with this Bliss Lean Machine.

From Allure: “No, that’s not a waterproof beach boom box or a chic humidifier for your daughter to take away to college. It’s Bliss’s cellulite-disguising vacuum that sucks and rolls your skin to look less lumpy in three minutes a day.”

54. Make applying mascara easier with E.l.f. mascara and shadow shield.

From Allure: “At first sight, it seems to be a photo-booth prop (we’ll hold the white mustache!), but it’s really a handy tool for a mess-free eye-makeup application. Hold it under your eyes so mascara and eye shadow don’t flake or fall on to your undereye concealer. Makeup artists use Kleenex as guards, but the handle makes this easier to finagle.”

55. Get smooth skin with a Rodan + Fields Redefine Amp MD System.

Yes, it may resemble a medieval torture device that you’d give to a baby boy. Still, what’s even more criminal is that it’s a plastic thing costing $200.

56. Get the Kim Basinger radiant hair with the T3 Source Shower Filter Showerhead.

They say it’s supposed to be a Britta for your showerhead. As if you really need that, especially at $130.

57. Get rid of stray facial hairs Tweezerman Smooth Finish Facial Hair Remover.

Because why thread or wax, when you can roll a coil over facial hair and pull it out by the roots? You know what also works? Tweezers.

58. Make your lips sensational with these Violent Lips Lip Tattoos.

Because if you want lips like Lady Gaga, David Bowie, and Elton John, you have to go beyond the traditional shade. Each tattoo lasts 4-8 hours.

59. Create easy curls with your very own 3D Bomb Brush.

Sure it resembles a medieval weapon you’d give to a budding noble lady. Still, not sure if I want to use it.

60. Keep your skin smooth with a Berrisom Animal facial mask.

From The Gloss: “Last but certainly not least is a sheet mask that I will never, ever put on my face no matter what but if putting placenta on your skin is something your into, by all means, have a blast. Though, it is tempting because the mask will make you look like an adorable, slimy raccoon.”

61. Rev up your lymphatic system with a Cle de Peau Synactif Crème.

From Ranker: “The Methyl Aminomethylcyclohexane Carboxamide (MACC-PD) in this creme apparently revs up the lymphatic system. Yeah, we know that’s a lot of science all at once. Basically, it’s supposed to get rid of all the waste that causes wrinkles.” Costs about $1,000. And I bought my new laptop for less than half of that.

62. With Conair’s Infiniti Pro Curl Secret, nothing will stop you from curly locks.

From Style Caster: “Now, your curling wand can magically do the work for you. Conair’s Infiniti Pro Curl Secret is a curling device that has a rotating bit that sucks in a section of hair to coil it around its heated ceramic center to make a perfectly proportioned curl before you wind your hair back out. Sounds scary? This thing has two heat settling and timer settings so you don’t over-fry your hair. Listen for the beep to know when your curl is ‘done.'”

63. Get rid of dead skin with these silk worm cocoons.

Yes, you kind of wished these were cotton balls. And you have to put them on your fingers. Though I’d rather boil these and turn them into a silk scarf.

64. Keep your face radiant with a Lace Hydrogel Mask Sheet.

Now you can either dress up as Hannibal Lector or the Phantom of the Opera. Okay, the Phantom only wears half a mask, but still I don’t care.

65. Shine your pearly whites with some charcoal teeth whitener.

So how do you whiten your teeth with charcoal? Because its powdery blackness doesn’t really convince me.

66. Dry your nails with this contraption.

Just put your hand under the tubes and pump air on it. Not sure if this works like a charm.

67. Make dreams come true with some cheese cream.

Now I love cream cheese which I’d put on basket crackers. But this is utterly ridiculous on so many levels.

68. Instead of lining your eyebrows, how about stamp them?

Well, sure seems like a real time saver. Though I don’t really feel like stamping my brows anyway.

69. Have to shave? Try this new trimmer.

You use it to trim excess body hair. And you can charge it on your computer.

70. Get yourself clean with a Salux Japanese Beauty Bath Washcloth/Towel.

Is it a towel or washcloth? Who cares? If you need a cleanse, this cloth is for you. Comes in 3 different colors.

71. Keep your eyes rejuvenated with Bird’s Nest Aqua Eyepatch.

It’s made of bird’s saliva, by the way. Yes, I know that’s completely disgusting.

72. Got puffy eyes? Try this heated, vibrating wand for size.

Yes, I know what it looks like. But it’s for the eyes, not the other part you’re thinking about.

73. Everyone should have something to massage their face.

Yes, this one is from Japan. And yes, they never cease to come up with crazy stuff to do to your face.

74. There’s something fishy about these brushes.

Well, these have rainbow mermaid fish tails. So if you have a sea themed vanity, these are for you.

75. Make your skin clean with ocean riches thanks to Givenchy Le Soin Noir with Black Algae Sap.

Actually you might want to go to the beach for the black algae treatment. It will cost less than $390.

76. Smooth these fine lines and wrinkles with Guerlain Orchidee Imperiale Treatment.

From Ranker: “All you need is 28 days and a small fortune to smooth those fine lines and wrinkles.” Well, a small fortune of $1,550 which is more than 3 times the amount I paid for a new laptop.

77. Remove excess hair with this home threading tool.

Yes, you remove hair with this. Still, I think it would be easier to do it with tweezers. Works for me.

78. Get your hair in model shape with hair Velcro.

From Stylecaster: “You know how you always seen backstage beauty shots of models getting ready for the runway with metal clamps around tissue paper holding their hair back? Hair velcro is the same concept, sans clamps and doesn’t leave any kinks or marks as you keep your bangs and baby hairs pulled back while you do your makeup, wash your face, or just want your hair out of your face. They release easily without pulling too since the velcro is shallow.”

79. Get your hair dry with this Harry Josh Pro Tools Pro Dryer 2000.

For $300, this hair dryer should also give you a back massage. Because $300 is a ridiculous price for a hair dryer.

80. Got gray hair? Take these Gray Hair Rescind Capsules.

From Refinery 29: “Why spend a ton of money on regular hair dyes when you can pop a pill to banish those dreaded gray hairs? And, if you like these, perhaps we can interest you in this bottled fairy dust we have over here. “

81. Trinity Facial Toner gives you a face lift at home.

From Refinery 29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”

82. Shave your legs and attract your lover with Crazy Girls Wanna Be Naked shaving cream.

From Refinery29: “The Nu Face claims to give you a mini face-lift at home with the help of electric micro-currents. We’ve seen it in action, and we can tell you firsthand that it definitely works, but that didn’t stop us from being seriously weirded out that we were repetitively zapping our face with electricity. Also, is it just us, or does this look like something you’d take to bed with you instead of something you’d rub on your face?”

83. Get smooth feet with the Baby Foot Easy Pack.

From Refinery29: We all want smooth feet, right? Sure — but Baby Foot takes that a step further. You apply the pads, and then a few days later, the skin on your feet peels off in one sheet. Your feet molt. Do a Google search of this product and see the results — we dare you.”

84. To ward off the smell of a silent but deadly, a Flat-D Flatulence Deodorizer is for you.

From Refinery29: “Not only is it a pad that absorbs the smell of your farts, but it’s also reusable. Excuse us while we gag.”

85. Apply your makeup with a Beauty Blender Bling Ring Kit.

From Refinery29: “We swear by the BeautyBlender, but do we really need to worship it on an elaborate, bejeweled throne? You decide.”

86. Do your nails with this Ring Pop nail polish holder.

From Refinery29: “This Ring Pop- shaped contraption holds your polish for you while you paint your nails — in case you are painting your nails in space, for example.” Kind of makes sense.

87. Get the right eye look with these Beth Bender Beauty eyeliner stencils.

From Refinery29: “We have trouble with getting our cat eyes even, sure. But is a protractor really necessary?”

88. Get your hair done with this Robocut Bumblebee Tool.

From Refinery29: “Well, at least this product is innovative. But do you really want a haircut from your vacuum?” No, definitely not.

89. Sure holding your hairdryer is a pain. That’s why there’s Blo & Go portable hair dryer holder.

From Refinery29: “A hands-free hair dryer — what could possibly go wrong?” Recommended best of Hindu gods, apparently.

90. Get your hair conditioned with a Hask Henna ‘n’ Placenta Dual-Action Conditioning Hair Treatment.

From Refinery29: “Placenta hair masks definitely fall under the far, far “beyond” of Bed, Bath, & Beyond.” No, just no. Henna’s fine but placenta? No.

91. Get rid of split ends with this Split-Ender Pro kit.

From Refinery29: “You could spend $250 on a device that supposedly re-seals your split ends. Or, you know, just set aside $45 for a trim. Up to you.” I’ll take $45 for a trim, thank you very much.

92. Keep your lashes tidy with this Upper Lower Lash Applicator Guide Eyelash Comb.

Refinery29: “We’re a little wary using this terrifying, Jaws-like contraption near our eyes, TBH.” Yes, it looks quite menacing.

93. Smell sweet with some Jean Patou Joy Baccarat Pure Parfum.

By the way, only 50 bottles of this stuff are made every year. And they cost $1,800 each. Not worth it.

94. Kre-at Beauty 24 Karat Gold Lashes will give your eyes a golden touch.

From Ranker: ” Beauty
What’s that? You’ve got some 24K gold dust in your eye? Well, the price is definitely something to cry about. ” Costs $236. Also, Lenny Kravitz wore gold eyelashes in The Hunger Games.

95. Let people know how you feel with some mood changing lipstick.

Not sure how this works. But it can possibly go with mood rings and other mood shit.

96. Protect your nails with these nail polish clips on your fingers.

Sure it might seem that you have pincers on your fingers. I know it looks pretty ridiculous.

97. Get that orange glow with some Cheetos bronzer.

From PopSugar: “Whether you’re in need of a novelty gift for your favorite cheese-loving friend or want an instant way to make your face great again, this limited-edition Cheetos bronzer is something you may want to start hunting down online.” Still, why anyone would want a complexion of Donald Trump or an Oompah Loompah is beyond me.

98. This Orogold Cosmetics 24K Nano Night Recovery gives you a golden facial mask.

From Ranker: “Yup, that 24K means gold. Real gold, people! For your face!” Though $1,000 is way too much for a facial treatment.

99. Get resplendent locks with Philip B Russian Amber Imperial Shampoo.

From Ranker: “Photo: Amazon
All you need is just one wash! At least that’s what the website says…” Though $140 is a steep price for a shampoo.

100. For serious dirt removal, try on this Blackhead Removal Peel Off Mask.

Though you might find it at any drugstore, it’s probably best you don’t undergo this treatment in front of your black friends. Because a black facial carries a host of deeply racist implications.

Vintage Food Ads in the Days of Yesteryear (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 14, 2017

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Along with alcohol, food is also among the many promoted items during the holiday season. After all, in the United States, Thanksgiving and Christmas are often marked with large feasts among families as well as parties among friends. And you can see this among the incessant holiday advertising on TV which seem to come earlier and earlier with each year. Then again, you find food ads everywhere these days since well, people have to eat in order to live. Yes, the food may not always be good for you or appealing. But hey, what do you know? Nevertheless, you find plenty of vintage food ads on the internet. Some of them might be artistic masterpieces like this Chat Noir above (which is a bistro restaurant in France). Some not so much for various reasons. Some might seem suggestive. Some might feature recipes not fit for human consumption. Some might contain rather misleading information. And some might consist of artwork that somehow pass as creepy. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of vintage food advertising for your unique tastes.

Kids who eat their veggies might want a Jolly Green Giant rag doll.

Not sure what’s freakier, the girl’s terrifying expression or the 4ft green doll. Let’s just say a kid can do without one of these.

2. Pesci Vivi sells delectable fish.

Though seeing a fish chef cooking fish is kind of unsettling. Look I know fish eat other fish, but still.

3. Children always delight in eating Fig Newtons.

“Thanks, Mom, that’s what I need after a long day at school and drowning puppies in the nearby lake. You’re the best.”

4. Big Otis wants kids to eat Kellogg’s OKs.

Sure he may be a big burly Scotsman. But I’m sure Kellogg’s pulled him as a cereal spokesman once kids asked what he wore under his kilt.

5. With Bisquick, you can make your family this elegant tuna ring.

Sorry, but this dish looks really disgusting. And no, I really don’t want to eat it.

6. Meet your own Frankie Doodle Dandy with Swift’s Premium Franks.

By the way, Frankie Doodle Dandy is what some men named Frank call their penis. Okay, I made that up. But I couldn’t pass that one up.

7. Always eat Possum Sweet Potatoes.

Hate to break it, but possums are disgusting creatures. Seeing a few run over by cars, you’d agree with me.

8. No kid could resist Brach’s toffee.

First of all, Brach’s candy is terrible. Second, I bet the girl’s taking some candy that she’ll spike with poison to give to her friends.

9. Husbands always love anything with Heinz Ketchup on it.

Because Heinz Ketchup makes anything appetizing. Even corned beef, poached eggs, and hash browns.

10. Turn vegetables into a treat with Cheez Whiz.

By the way, it’s probably not real cheese. And it will not do wonders to your veggies nutritional value either.

11. Fry’s Chocolate always tastes so good.

But regardless of expression, that kid terrifies me. And I don’t think chocolate will calm him either.

12. Make your breakfast kid friendly with Wheatabix.

Also fine for snacks and supper, too. Though I hope the girl is sprinkling a spoonful of sugar, instead of arsenic. Though looking at her face, I wouldn’t know. Boy’s kind of creepy, too.

13. Campbell’s beef soup makes a manly dish.

Hearty it may be, but it’s hardly good for your arteries due to a high sodium content. Because Campbell’s Mmmm…mmm…salt.

14. With Pillsbury’s flower, you can make yourself a wagon wheel pie.

Think of it as your mother’s chicken pot pie. But more disgusting and unhealthy.

15. Firestix always lasts 23 minutes and costs 10 cents.

Though she’s supposed to be a wholesome kid. But she always takes her Firestix before going on a killing spree.

16. Don’t want to cook dinner, ladies? Take the family to KFC.

Apparently, Colonel Sanders is incredibly sexist. Thus, he calls his coronary inducing cuisine, “wife-savers.”

17. With Carnation Evaporated Milk, you can make delectable dinners like this.

You have to wonder whether people actually eat stuff like this back in the day. Because that’s a dish that will make you lose your appetite.

18. Sure it may not be very nutritious, but Rastus wants you to try Cream of Wheat.

I can see the racism on this ad as clear as day, especially in the text. But at least you have to admire the guy’s honesty. People will buy anything that’s good to eat and cheap.

19. “Sugar can be the willpower you need to undereat.”

Uh, I wouldn’t say that. But I guarantee too much of it can give you Type 2 Diabetes. Seriously, you might not want to eat ice cream before lunch.

20. As an assistant vice president, it’s your job to make the pudding.

Apparently, Jello doesn’t think women can understand office hierarchies. Also, the sexism is very plain to see.

21. “You don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy’s.”

Sure it may not be incredibly racist. But it’s still pretty bad on certain levels.

22. Always go for the Big Patch vegetables.

However, it seems that this kid’s family only works the farm. And his parents are paid wages so low they can’t afford to buy him a new pair of pants.

23. Ladies, buying canned food shouldn’t be shameful.

Still, canned foods aren’t very good for you since they’re preserved in a salty brine. But even that doesn’t detract the sexism in this ad.

24. With these canned foods, you can always diet with delight.

Not sure about that. But the girl in the can is really freaking me out. She seems like the stuff of nightmares for some reason.

25. Sugar Crips is post marked for happy eating.

Okay, the acrobatic bears might be weird. But I really have a bad feeling about that creepy girl looking at them. They better put on a good show or she’ll make sure they’ll never see the light of day again.

26. Hires’ Rootbeer is so good even the dogs will love it.

But that baby doesn’t seem too happy about that. Of course, hope Sparky enjoys his drink because that baby may have murder on the mind.

27. With Armour Treet, you can make these Johnny cake shortcakes.

I can see the heart attacks these shortcakes can cause. Also, they seem rather unappetizing to me.

28. Nothing keeps you warm like Cadbury’s Cocoa.

But once he’s done, he’ll get right back to torturing the neighbor’s cat. Because that’s what psycho kids do for fun.

29. As Art Linkletter noted, the Jolly Green Giant is a big man with the ladies.

Because women love a large green man who promotes vegetables wearing shoes and a short leaf dress. But at least he doesn’t have rage issues like the Incredible Hulk.

30. It’s always red magic time with Heinz Ketchup.

Oh, no, not the scary tomato guy! Please, take him away before he kills anyone!

31. You can’t have old-fashioned gingerbread without Brer Rabbit Molasses.

I’m sure they got the name Brer Rabbit for molasses from the tar baby story. Want to what happened to Brer Rabbit when he put his hands on one?

32. This Indian brave brings you Dippy Canoes.

Because cultural appropriation knows no bounds. Said to taste like Indian corn. Seriously, this guy’s a culture, not an advertising prop for God’s sake.

33. “Remember your first Baby Ruth?”

She may look excited to eat the candy. But mainly because she took it from the neighbor boy she previously threw down a well.

34. You can’t be beat with St. Louis corned beef.

Yet, having the cows with can bodies and walking upright is just freaky. Seriously, who the hell thought this was a good idea?

35. “Okay, pardner…reach for the Karo!”

For one, this half-naked baby cowboy is just lame. But he’s just as terrifying enough to induce nightmares.

36. Handle your hungry man with a can of Campbell’s soup.

Because nothing says manly eating like eating a soup with a high salt content. Campbells, mmmm….salt.

37. “Good things happen…when the lady of the house has soup for lunch.”

For if she doesn’t have her chicken noodle, she will chase you all over the neighborhood wielding a large cleaver. Because with Campbell’s it’s mmm…salt.

38. Trix is always made for kids.

“Mommy, after I eat my Trix, can I borrow your handgun to hunt down that silly rabbit? He’s been lurking in our yard for ages.”

39. Children will enjoy Stokley’s sugar peas.

For sugar peas always go well with the neighbor’s liver and onions. And I don’t mean the animal kind either.

40. Kids always want Log Cabin maple syrup.

Just watch theses kids look at the syrup on their waffles. Though they’d much prefer their breakfast to have blood of the innocents. But cannibalism is illegal.

41. With G. Washington’s Instant Coffee, even a man can make the perfect cup in 5 seconds.

As if men didn’t know how to make a cup of coffee in the 1950s. I’m sure they did and this ad is very sexist.

42. Treat your man right with Batchelor’s foods.

Yet, calling the guy a “guest husband” just wracks my head. Would a better word be “boyfriend?”

43. With Campell’s mushroom soup, you can make some tuna and waffles.

After all, when you’ve smoked pot all day, you’ll need something to satisfy the munchies. For God’s sake, waffles should only be for breakfast.

44. “Promise you’ll taste the nifty new Ritz!”

Because if you don’t, she’ll take you to her torture dungeon and hold you over a fiery it by your ankles. If you think I’m crazy, ask those who live to tell the tale.

45. Be vital and vigorous with Morrell E-Z Serve liver loaf.

Because nothing makes a family happy like liver. You know the kind of meat everyone ingests like foul tasting cold medicine.

46. Make it a festive party with Libby’s Juice Jamboree.

Though serving juice on a kid’s hat may not be good idea. Basically it’s an accident waiting to happen.

47. Kids dig Welch’s Cocoanut bar.

It’s basically a coconut chocolate bar which is disgusting. Still, if it keeps those kiddies from killing you, it might be worth buying.

48. Hire’s Rootbeer is the great health drink.

Yet, this little one will chase the cat with a knife once he’s done. So you might want to get Friskies in a safe place while you still can.

49. Men always love a raisin pudding pie.

Though he might have to be a sick psycho like this guy. Because raisins are turds made to resemble chocolate chips but aren’t.

50. If your husband yawns at the table, treat him to Heinz tomato soup.

Since when is yawning at the table a problem? Chances are the guy’s just tired after a long, stressful day at work. Not everything a guy does has to do with his wife’s actions.

51. California vegetables are always the aristocrats of the crop.

Because nothing says high class like a villain from a Dickens novel with a monocle and slasher smile. Seriously, I’m wondering if California vegetables used the face of Jack the Ripper in their ad campaigns.

52. You can’t make cakes without Dr. Price’s vanilla extract.

Though if you don’t give the maid her pay raise, she will spike this cake with rat poison. Just ask the last guy she worked for. Oh, wait you can’t.

53. With Might Dog, your pooch always receives the best.

Though Spot always takes his food seriously. Though he thinks wearing a chef’s hat and bib makes him look like a complete idiot.

54. “Are you woman enough to buy a man’s mustard?”

Now that’s a really stupid question. Seriously, why should that even matter? Mustard is mustard.

55. Pastificio S. Bonetti is oozing with prime pasta.

Look, I understand how Italians love their pasta. But I didn’t know they’d love it so much to be caught with it in a compromising position.

56. Kids will always enjoy Van Camp’s pork and beans.

Well, assuming your child is a budding psychokiller. I’m sure little Bobby will go back with setting the cat on fire after he’s done.

57. “Sugar keeps your energy up and your appetite down.”

Sorry, but sugar doesn’t help you lose weight. In fact, it might contribute to obesity, heart disease, and Type II diabetes.

58. Snag a man with Underwood deviled ham sandwiches.

Seriously? The sandwich case? Sorry, but a man can make his own damn sandwich. This is sexist on so many levels.

59. Whitman’s chocolates make a fine Mother’s Day gift.

From Relish: “This advertiser knew exactly how to distinguish Whitman’s chocolates: market the product as a gift your wife will give right back to you.” Bet the guy will get the ones the wife doesn’t like.

60. Get your kids to eat veggies with this Jolly Green Giant foot rug.

From Relish: “Are your kids eating their vegetables? If not, try giving them one of these fuzzy, green foot rugs to make them crave veggies! This unique attempt to make green beans and corn more fun is appreciated, but it is unlikely that a furry rug of a foot will make anything appetizing.”

61. “Nothing says party like a Sara Lee cake!”

From Relish: “Sara Lee knows what’s up—who needs friends when you have chocolate cake? Her face says it all: ‘I’m not going out because I have cake, and lots of it.’ Add sweatpants and Netflix and the party is complete.”

62. Go to the beach with your own Campbell’s can bag.

From Relish: “Nothing about hot Campbell’s soup makes us think about the beach, but that didn’t stop Campbell’s from turning their product into a portable beach bag.” Then again, the ocean is full of salt. And so is Campbell’s soup. Mmmm salt.

63. Velveeta is a full of health from milk.

From Relish: “Let’s get one thing straight—just because a product is made with a beneficial ingredient, does not make it healthy. Velveeta tries its best to be convincing here, but we’re not buying it.”

64. McDonald’s takes care of 55% of your daily protein needs.

However, that doesn’t means a McDonald’s meal is necessarily good for you. Because it isn’t.

65. Even babies enjoy Nestle’s condensed milk.

Because you don’t want to see this little one when she’s angry. Otherwise, she will make you pay with your life.

66. “Wouldn’t I be silly to make it myself?”

Well, considering that Campbell’s soups have high salt contents, then no. Still, I think the woman seems to have murder on the mind.

67. Someone wants another glass of Hires’ Rootbeer.

Don’t look now but I’m sure that baby might prefer to drink the blood of the innocents. But he’ll settle for rootbeer.

68. After the game, boys always relish in the joy of good eating with Van Camp’s pork and beans.

“I whacked the pitcher real good with my bat. He screamed like a little girl as I bludgeoned the living crap out of him. Never had so much fun in my life.”

69. Miss Sunbeam wants you to have some Sunbeam bread.

Because if you don’t, she’ll go into your house and murder you and your family. Sure she may look innocent. But she’s a murderous psychopath who will bring you a slow and painful death.

70. Always use Arm and Hammer baking soda on your delectable treats.

And yet, this one features a scary clown. Best to skip this frightening circus unless you’re into Stephen King. Because the clown could easily murder you.

Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 10, 2017

Alcohol Ads of the 1900s (1)

Disclaimer: This post is not for those under the legal age of 21. Those over 21 please drink responsibly. Thank you. Okay I was just kidding with that one.

Whether you’re getting ready to celebrate the holidays, are trying to cope with the Trump administration, or have a beer with your friends during a big game, chances are you’re probably familiar with alcoholic drinks. Back in the day, our ancestors had somewhat different attitudes to booze depending on what kind of people they were. On one hand, you have temperance people who saw alcohol as terrible since it ruined families and the like. But on the other hand, you have people where alcohol is so integral to their culture that they see no problem with kids drinking beer. Or monks brewing beer in German monasteries like they did at Saint Vincent College. Anyway, it shouldn’t be any surprise why the major beer labels in America are German and from the Midwest. However, though Germans have a high value on beer, it’s not the only alcoholic beverage they drink since we also have German wines such Champagne and Zinfindel. Anyway, many of these vintage ads might echo rather antiquated ideas about our society nor have aged well at any stretch. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another installment of booze ads from yesteryear.

For bowling night, you’d always strike with Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Sure it might seem like a harmless bowling scene. Until you see that everyone in this has blue ribbon appendages. Then it’s just creepy.

2. Budweiser always gives you good times.

Now here’s a rather racist ad. Sure the black guy’s is supposed to be depicted as an eager servant. But looking at his imposing face he appears quite menacing. So I wouldn’t drink any of that beer if I were you.

3. Flirt Vodka can be quite appealing.

Though looking at her bruised knees, I don’t think this ad conveys a good message. Let’s hope she just had a party mishap.

4. Have a merry cherry with Kijafa, a Danish cherry wine.

Yet, the word “cherry” has an R-rated connotation that I can’t really discuss. But notice how that woman has mistletoe in her hand.

5. “‘Sweet’ on whiskey sours? Make your next drink Green River.”

But how he has such humongous hands is another matter. Seriously, they’re like totally out of proportion to his body.

6. Without Schlitz, you can’t have beer.

However, looking at the clown’s eyes, I suggest you give him some Schlitz now. Otherwise, he’ll get angry and kidnap your children.

7. Schlitz: the preeminent beer for clowns.

Sure this clown might be happy now. But once the booze wears off, he won’t be funny in the moonlight.

8. Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka is in the spirit of the Czar.

Sure vodka is associated with Russia. But Wolfschmidt seems kind of Germanic to me. Then again, Catherine the Great was a German aristocrat and plenty of czars had German ancestry. So it oddly fits.

9. Schlitz, the beer of choice for American cowboys.

Yet, Schlitz is the beer for male bonding after a long day at the ranch. Still, the bottom scene seems kind of like Brokeback Mountain to me.

10. On the slopes, grab a cold Heiney.

Yet, I’m not sure about those Heineken snow suits. One of the women looks kind of embarrassed that people would see her and think she resembles a can.

11. Bacardi Rum is what they serve in Hell.

Still, if you see this guy behind the glasses, you might want to take a drink. For he already seems disappointed in you. Might not want to anger him even further.

12. Anisetta Evangelisti is the perfect liquor for dessert. Just ask this chimp.

However, despite that people think chimps are funny and loveable, they can be quite nasty. Also, why the hell would you want a chimp drink booze?

13. Even King Kong drinks Miller beer.

Though it wouldn’t help him climb the Empire State Building. Or avoid airplanes. Now that I think of it, how could King Kong even grab a beer? That makes no sense.

14. Bacardi is the rum of America’s favorite cocktails.

But would you want a drink with this guy? Sure he might be okay, but the pervy stache doesn’t help matters.

15. Everyone’s calling it on Early Times whiskey.

How old are these baseball players supposed to be? Because I find it hard to think they’re 21 or over.

16. Gordon’s Gin contains medicinal properties.

Actually, Gordon’s or not, gin is the worst thing for your liver. Let’s just say taking it as medicine isn’t the smartest idea.

17. For real morning after relief, drink a Pluto highball.

So this ad states, if you want to relieve a hangover, drink more booze in the morning. Because chances are you’re probably an alcoholic at this point.

18. The secret to a great holiday party is lots of mistletoe and Seagram’s Extra Dry.

So basically, you can’t have a great Christmas party without tons of boozy sex. Not what I’d call drinking responsibly.

19. Pabst beer prepares for the joys of motherhood.

Actually, if you’re pregnant, you better stay away from the booze, especially during the first trimester. Because it puts the developing baby at risk for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

20. With a Heineken, even your beer gives you a beer.

Well, this is hard to explain. Someone must’ve been under the influence to come up with this.

21. O-fl Extract Malt always builds people up.

Look, I know kids are cute and cuteness sells. But putting a child next to a bottle of booze isn’t appropriate. Seriously, there’s a reason why the drinking age is 21.

22. Ballantine beer is the preeminent drink for those in horse costumes.

It’s one thing to put a weird horse in your ad. But knowing this horse consists of two guys in a costume is rather disturbing. Seriously, just pick either humans or animals.

23. Nothing makes a riverside picnic like Schlitz beer.

I don’t think the guy trying Schlitz isn’t glowing about the beer in this one. Seems like there’s more going on here.

24. Want to please your man, ladies? Serve him Budweiser.

Because it’s said Budweiser delights more husbands than any beer ever known. Also, his Inner Man craves booze.

25. Dare to be different with Suntory Royal Whiskey.

Though whether it means you should do Kabuki theater, is another question entirely. Yes, it looks badass but it’s part of Japanese culture. Yet, couldn’t they just come up with some other image?

26. Anhauser-Busch’s Malt Nutrine is the preeminent beer for nursing mothers.

Yes, this was back when they considered beer as a health food. But today, these beer companies would never cater their product to nursing moms.

27. Even mounted goats enjoy the taste of Schaefer’s Bock beer.

Let’s just say Dr. Seuss was young and needed the money. But compared to some of his political cartoons, this isn’t too bad.

28. As a velveted whiskey, Imperial is so much fun!

Okay, we all know that polar bears and penguins don’t coexist. But unlike the Coca Cola ads, this provides of good illustration on what a polar bear and penguin co-existence would be like. And so far, it doesn’t look good for the penguin.

29. E.T. likes to remind you to not drink and drive. “Phone home” instead.

Yet, having E.T. work at the bar really ruins your childhood. I mean could you imagine him telling drunks to “phone home” if they had too many? Also, couldn’t Coors use the cast of Cheers instead? At least that show’s about a bar.

30. You can’t beat the mellow taste of Ten High whiskey.

Is it just me or is this woman unnaturally tan? The guy kind of looks rather unsettling, too.

31. A Four Roses Gimlet is 4 parts vodka and 1 part elegance.

However, this woman in here doesn’t seem like she’s really enjoying herself. In fact, she seems like she wants to go home while her significant other doesn’t.

32. Always drink Cossack Vodka for the office party.

I guess this woman is a bit tipsy since she notes how she didn’t recognize Mr. Smithers’ green eyes. Also, what the hell is she wearing? That doesn’t look like office wear to me.

33. “How about a little Schenley, Ruth?”

Ruth, get the hell out of there! The guy doesn’t just want a drink with you. The description here just makes me cringe.

34. “I’d ride a mile for a Smirnoff martini.”

Maybe, but what’s that got to do with a camel in the middle of the road? Besides, couldn’t just drive or ride a bus? Or walk?

35. The Smirnoff Mule is the drink that is.

But if I was that young woman, I’d be wary around Woody Allen. Because we all know he’s a real creep.

36. “He loves my mind. And he drinks Johnny Walker.”

Really? What makes him drinking Johnny Walker so important to you? Other than getting paid for just saying that?

37. Never go on a boat ride without Cinzano.

So is this diver rescuing this woman from a rowboat? Since she seems rather tied up. Then again, that might explain why the two guys are lying on the beach. Still, forget the booze. I want what the woman’s laundry detergent. Seriously, how does she keep her dress so clean?

38. Pernod is perfect for any pool party.

After all, Thing needs a vacation from the Addams Family once in awhile. So let him poor some booze on that woman if he wants to.

39. Champagne de la Jarretiere always brings people together.

Still, I wouldn’t want an old man grabbing at my garter. Sure he might have money, but still..

40. There’s nothing like Quina Marra.

However, I’m not sure why this woman’s having a drink with Mr. Pervo here. Unless she’s planning on getting him to pass out before she clears the premises.

41. You can’t go wrong with Rhum of the Incas.

First, Incas didn’t ride horses. Second, that looks more like a contestant from RuPaul’s Drag Race than anything from a Pre-Columbian culture in South America.

42. It’s always cheery with a Cherry Rocher Liqueur.

Though I’d wonder why this woman’s in a bird costume on a tree. Then again, nobody would be sober in her situation.

43. No man could resist the taste of Birra-Metzger-Torino.

You’d almost think this woman wants the guy she’s with die from liver cirrhosis. Cause from how he’s drinking, he’s most likely not driving the carriage that night.

44. Even great men like Teddy Roosevelt and Abe Lincoln approve of Johnny Walker.

From The Fix: “The hundred-foot visages of Roosevelt and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore—both of them paragons of virtue and wisdom—seem to be telekinetically talking to one another about a President whose face will soon be joining them. Whose face will be carved into the mountain is less important than the fact that they approve of the fact that he drinks Johnny Walker. The ad somehow manages to reduce the enormity of their legacy to something far smaller and silly. “

45. “Whatever you’ve got going…keep it going with J&B.”

Perhaps The Fix might explain this one better: “You can airbrush the 70s, but you can’t airbrush out the era’s creepy overtones. Half of this ad is dedicated to hands cupping what we have to assume is a mistress’s face. At first glance, it’s a fairly simple, innocent image. That’s before you start to peel back the crazy layers of control and illicitness going on. And J&B implores you to be part of every extramarital affair. No judgment. J&B doesn’t care what you do or who you do it with. It just wants to be there.”

46. Guys, always bring some White Horse Whiskey when going to a bachelorette pad.

Because nothing turns on boozy bachelorettes like “good guy” bringing White Horse Whiskey. Then again, perhaps flowers would be more appropriate? Or why not bring a couple of friends with you?

47. Enjoy the great taste of G.A. Jourde Bordeaux.

I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel this way when they drink. Though that doesn’t mean they’ll frolic around grapes.

48. Cordial Topaze is so great, this clown bought in bulk.

Because he’s every bit a creepy clown and an alcoholic. And he feels no shame about it.

49. Old French aristocrats always keep their Champagne stock in check in the middle of the night.

Then again, going down to your wine cellar at night might not be a good thing. Then again, he probably has a lot of parties going on.

50. This waitress always serves Braustube Hurlimann beer.

Looking at her, she knows that serving booze to customers gives her good tips. So the more drunk her customers are the better.

51. Squeeze all you can out of life with Seagram’s.

However, the man here’s worried he might eventually fade into a scene with scuba divers. So he’s not very pleased.

52. You need not be a slave to fashion with Smirnoff.

Though if you wear outfits like these, they might think you’re dressed for a Star Trek convention. Seriously, those have tacky 1960s all over them.

53. Smirnoff sour always has lemons and all that jazz.

Yet, why do they have black and white figures having a better time than the figures on the beach is beyond me. Kind of disturbs me for some reason.

54. Old Hickory Bourbon is simply magnificent.

So when the time is right, you can have a drink with your sweetheart before doing the nasty. From the woman’s eyes, and her pantyhose around his neck, you can guess where this is going.

55. Is it proper to boodle under the mistletoe or before guests arrive?

Guess it depends if you mean drinking Boodles Gin. Though it could just as easily mean sex. Either way, it depends on the party and I’ll leave it at that.

56. A Smirnoff Horse Shot is all you need at a ski lodge.

Still, they don’t just seem like cleaning skis to me. Might want to clear out before this goes any further.

57. A Bitter Pastore Milano is always a treat.

Guy kind of seems like he’s whispering something to the woman. Woman’s listening but would rather be somewhere else right now.

58. Drink a Smirnoff Hot Adam’s Apple while decorating for the holidays.

Though you’d pretty much have to be drunk to dress up that penguin. Then again, it might be a present they’re wrapping and not sure how.

59. Maker’s Mark always has a great body, compared to some guy’s girlfriend.

Talk about a blatantly sexist ad. Seriously, we shouldn’t be comparing women’s bodies to booze.

60. Enjoy the difference with Schlitz.

Though if I was on a date and a guy made that face while serving drinks, I’d get the hell out of there. A night with him could culminate into “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

61. Working hard in the garage? Pour some Budweiser.

Though I don’t think tools and booze make a good mix. Perhaps that might have to do with how alcohol inhibits mind body coordination. Or something else.

62. Carioca Rum makes every drink sing.

Yet, the guy on the bongos has a crazed look on his face suggesting he’s high. Hope he doesn’t go to close to the fire.

63. It’s always Scotch time with Johnny Walker.

But a guy dressed from the 1800s strutting in front of a bunch of guys in suit, that’s another question. Why they’re not fazed by it, I have no idea.

64. Wolfschmidt’s great for drinking while underwater.

As to why anyone would drink alcohol while scuba diving is beyond me. Seriously, I don’t even think that’s safe.

65. The green demon always goes for Maurin.

Yes, it’s a demonic character with a bottle of booze. And it will give you nightmares.

66. Smirnoff vodka always makes a great gift.

Yet, why have a woman covered in gift wrap just baffles me. Seriously why?

67. They’re always serving Paul Jones.

Okay, this is racist from the get-go and the white guys’ outfits don’t really help matters. Because though it might evoke a plantation setting, we all know who consisted of their labor force. And it’s why plantation weddings don’t have a great reputation.

68. You’ll always get the goats with Iron City Bock Beer.

Sure the goat might seem creepy as hell. So you really don’t want this one to but in while under the influence.

69. For pleasant moments, drink PM whiskey during the game.

After all, why should you worry about these leatherheads getting traumatic brain injuries? Seriously, you think today’s players have concussions? Also, you don’t drink whisky during a game. You drink beer.

70. Even Charles Dickens drank J&B Whiskey.

You know the guy who wrote A Christmas Carol and A Tale of Two Cities? Nevertheless, despite being a literary prowess, he’d desert his family for an 18 year old actress and was a dick to his wife.

Scary and Eerily Affordable DIY Halloween Costume Inspirations (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 27, 2017

As a presenter in this year’s Prestigious Film Awards, I present the award for Best Picture. So will it be the Movie Critics Love But Viewers Don’t, The Hit Indie That Should Win But Won’t, The Really Good Film Everyone Likes But Won’t Win, Some Expensive Period Piece That Your Mom Likes, Mediocre Fluff Everyone Seems to Like But You, The Indie Film Nobody Watched, Some War Movie Your Dad Likes, The Artistic Movie Nobody Gets, and Some Expensive Period Piece with Awesome Costumes.

Sure I know I’m a bit late doing a DIY Costume post for this year. But I had a long time trying to decide a costume for myself before settling with Award show presenter. And you can see how I mocked the shit of that construct since I’ve spent some years dissatisfied over Oscar Best Picture Winners. Nevertheless, while buying a Halloween costume at a store might be a quick solution if you need something ready made, the choices might not provide what you have in mind. Particularly if the women’s costumes mostly consist of what a stripper would wear. Though making your own costume might be quite time consuming, but you can always get creative. After all, if you can use stuff at home, the possibilities are endless. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of costumes people have made themselves for Halloween.

A wrap sandwich makes a perfect first Halloween costume for a small baby.

Apparently, this contains bacon, lettuce, and tomato. Like the baby’s little mustache, too.

2. Give a boy a skirt, spear, and cape, and he’ll be ready to join his legion.

Well, at least he’s not a Spartan from 300. On the other hand, Roman soldiers and gladiators didn’t wear T-shirts.

3. The Green Bay Packers have taken the field.

And this boy dressed as the field. Guess he thought wearing a jersey as his favorite player was done to death.

4. Don’t really see how he pull out that rabbit.

Then again, it’s a couple’s costume idea of magician and rabbit. Though at least the woman didn’t dress up as the lovely assistant who gets sawed in half.

5. “So what should I steal today?”

She’s dressed as Carmen San Diego. Sure she may steal the world’s treasures but she taught a generation geography.

6. I’m sure you’ll get a real Hawaiian Punch here.

You see, she’s a hula dancer. He’s a boxer. So that’s how you get Hawaiian Punch. Okay, it’s a pun.

7. You can always recognize Bjork by her swan costume.

Though the Icelandic singer wears all kinds of outlandish outfits. But the swan costume defines her.

8. Seems like this little guy takes eliminating critters seriously.

Actually this is a costume set of an exterminator and a mouse. But you have to like the trap on the wagon.

9. Apparently, it rains wherever this kid goes.

This little girl is a rain cloud. Let’s hope she doesn’t have a thunderstorm this Halloween.

10. This little lady wants you to keep in shape.

Guess she’s supposed to be an aerobics instructor from the 1980s. Also has a little cardboard boom box she uses as a basket.

11. If you loved the 1960s, you might enjoy Sonny and Cher.

Sure they might love each other now. But keep in mind that Sonny wasn’t a very nice guy. And that Cher had a very good reason for dumping his ass.

12. These two seem to be getting on in their golden years.

Okay, they’re not senior citizens. But at least they have a costume you can do within minutes.

13. I don’t think these two are compatible.

If you understand, he’s the 1% who get all the money. She’s the 99% who’s not happy about it.

14. This little girl knows she’s a freaking ray of sunshine.

As you can see, she’s Little Miss Sunshine. Because she has a sun crown and a sun on her dress.

15. Viking families always stay together.

Also they didn’t wear horned helmets. And I guess the baby’s a small dragon.

16. If you like Clash of the Titans, you might want to dress up as Perseus and Medusa.

Unfortunately he’ll be absolutely petrified if he takes a look at her. And if he doesn’t, she’ll lose her head he’ll later use as a weapon.

17. These ladies aren’t shy about cheap wine.

They’re all dressed up as box of wine. Because let’s just say expensive bottled wine is overrated.

18. If you love Twin Peaks, you have to check out this mother and baby costume.

This is the log lady who’s one of the better known characters from that show. And yes, that baby is a log.

19. “I’ll be Bach.”

As in Johann Sebastian Bach, the famous 17th-18th century composer. Or is he supposed to be Sir Isaac Newton who discovered the basic laws of physics? Either way, you have to love the wig made from toilet rolls.

20. Is it somebody’s birthday today?

Well, she’s a 3 tier birthday cake. She’s doused in pink icing with sprinkles all over.

21. How about a nice bubble bath?

She even has a rubber duckie and a shower cap. Also, the bubbles mostly consist of cotton balls.

22. She’s certainly as pretty as a peacock.

Though to be fair, peacocks are guys in the animal world. Nevertheless, love the feather train.

23. Bob Ross debuts his latest masterpiece.

As you see, she’s a picture of a happy little tree. Still, Bob Ross has been dead since the 1990s.

24. This boy is a born Deere.

Well, at least he’s wearing plaid and overalls. Still, love the green thresher.

25. “Steph, you’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right.”

I guess she’ll definitely get that new dinette set. Still, this is a pretty easy costume to do.

26. Hide your pooch when she comes to town.

Still, this is a very convincing Cruella de Vil costume. But if you have 4 legs and a tail, she’ll give you nightmares.

27. For some reason, chicks seem to take to him.

He’s supposed to be a chick magnet. Get it? I mean he has a magnet with chicks on it.

28. Where would kids be without Ms. Frizzle and the Magic School Bus?

This is a couple’s costume. Still, Ms. Frizzle may want her kids to learn science. But safety isn’t her highest priority.

29. You’d almost think this boy was made out of plastic.

If he was smaller, you’d think he’s a real plastic army guy. Wonder how he moves around though.

30. Why play with Play Doh when you can be Play Doh?

And it seems these two won a costume contest. Simple to make yet effective.

31. Check out this iPhone 6.

And yes, he has all the apps. Sure he may not be the latest model. But you’d buy him anyway.

32. Robbing a bank is as easy as taking candy from a baby.

Okay, robbing a bank isn’t easy. But this daddy and baby costume will just steal your heart.

33. You’d certainly flee from this little Jigsaw.

He’s from the popular Saw horror movie franchise. He may be a toddler but he’s menacing on his tricycle.

34. Someone must’ve been through strong winds.

Relax, it’s just a costume. But you have to admire this guy’s windy effort.

35. I’m sure she’s got a pretty head you’d want to mount on your wall.

I know some might see it poor taste. But you have to admire her creativity.

36. Not sure if this little guy is ready for a six pack yet.

This is a mother and baby Jersey Shore. Mother is supposed to be Snookie. Boy is meant to be the Situation, I think.

37. Care for some Pilsbury toaster strudel?

This kid’s dressed in lederhozen. And all for a school Halloween parade.

38. Do you remember the Sony Walkman?

And I suppose his costume is made out of cardboard. Like the headphones though.

39. Ellen Ripley’s had it with chest bursting aliens.

You can guess this is a parent and child costume. And yes, the baby is Ellen Ripley from Alien.

40. If you can’t be 007, how about the next best thing?

Yes, he’s a James Bond Nintendo game. Can you get more awesome than that?

41. In a few decades, we’ll laugh at this awkward picture.

You know Awkward Family Photos? This woman is dressed like one and includes the background.

42. Remember Chat Roulette? Apparently, this guy does.

And you can see why it didn’t catch on. Because men on there often exposed themselves.

43. Not sure if you’d call this girl a happy little tree.

She’s even covered with leaves from her head to her shirt. But at least she’s not decked like Stanford’s mascot.

44. Want to enjoy a jolly holiday with Mary?

Here’s Mary Poppins and Bert. If you love proper singing and penguins waiting on you, these are perfect.

45. “Run, Forrest, run!”

He’s supposed to be Forrest Gump when he’s running around the country. Even has the mud smiley face on his shirt.

46. Firefox embraces the world.

Yes, she’s a web browser. Used to use it but don’t anymore since 2015.

47. Want to hear your fortune?

Very convincing costume if you ask me. But I’m sure you won’t see much insight in her crystal ball.

48. Instead of hastagging your Halloween costume, why not dress as one?

At one point, you wouldn’t see much of her. Now she’s everywhere on the Internet.

49. You’d swear it’s raining cats and dogs.

In her case, you can say literally. Like the plushies on her umbrella.

50. If you have problems with aliens, call these guys.

This one just requires a black suit and tie. And you can customize.

51. You wouldn’t believe what this mime has to tell you.

Though you wouldn’t know since mimes are silent. But watch him feel a wall out of thin air.

52. Many might view her a priceless work of art.

She’s a Monet by the way. And no, she’s not cheap in the least.

53. You’d almost say “oh, dear” or “holy cow” with these two.

These two are pun costumes. Deer can’t do much. But the cow has a halo and wings.

54. On Halloween, this pooch is basically Thanksgiving dinner.

Yes, this retriever’s dressed as roast turkey. Not sure why but I’m not sure if I’d want pet owners getting ideas.

55. This Rosie the Riveter could get the job done.

You’ve seen the WWII poster to call women to work in the factories. Today, Rosie’s a feminist icon.

56. Hope she can put on a show for you.

Though she doesn’t resemble any showgirl from Las Vegas. Still, this is a rather creative costume.

57. You’d find it impossible to leave her part of the universe.

She’s basically the solar system. Those styrofoam balls are the planets and the sun. She has the moon on her headband.

58. Does this taco dog come in a hot or soft shell?

Yes, this another dog costume of food. Though the filling and shell sure suit it find.

59. Here is a self-portrait of a true artist.

This kid is a self-portrait of Vincent Van Gogh. Hope he makes an impression on you.

60. Any kid will feel welcome at camp with these two counselors.

Seems these camp counselor costumes don’t require much. Just shorts, shirt, clipboard, sneakers, and headbands.

61. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Smores.

Parents are graham crackers. Kids are chocolate and marshmallow. Wagon is the fire.

62. Someone wants to take this grouch.

Sure it’s Oscar and the garbage person isn’t a character on Sesame Street. But this is adorable.

63. You’d be impressed by these jellyfish.

These two might look graceful. But their stings will hurt like hell and possibly kill you.

64. “Hello, this is Jake from State Farm.”

And he’s wearing khakis. Nevertheless, like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

65. Bet you’ve never seen a whip or nae nae like this before.

One is whipped cream. The other is a horse since it neighs. Yes, I know it’s crazy but this couple’s costume is hilarious.

66. Bet you want some of her for the movies.

She’s movie popcorn by the way. And yes, she’s probably more expensive than the regular stuff.

67. Here Steve Irwin goes hunting for crocodiles.

Sad to see that Steve Irwin’s no longer with us thanks to a sting ray. But this is a fitting tribute.

68. Anyone would want this little gnome for their garden.

He even has a fake beard and hat. Got to love his little outfit. So cute.

69. You’d almost think he’s not quite put together.

Not sure how this works. But you have to like how it seems his legs are detached from his chest.

70. He may be small but he’s filled with infinite wisdom.

This baby’s dressed as the Dalai Lama. Funny, how the real guy wasn’t much older when he became the Dalai Lama back in the 1930s.

71. Seems like this big game hunter has quite a collection.

Normally I abhor trophy hunting. But this costume idea is simply spectacular.

72. “In an old house in Paris that was covered in vines…”

The redhead one is Madeline by the way. Also, one of them might be a guy.

73. Kids in the 1980s might want to dress up as these Care Bears.

Some of them have their own Care Bear plushies with them. Still, these are fairly easy to do whether you’re by yourself or with a group.

74. Nothing will ever scare this crow.

He just wants to fly, eat dead animals, and avoid cars. Like the beak.

75. The hunter always goes out of his way to catch his deer.

He’s clad in camo. She has ears and a fur vest. But we all know this doesn’t end well.

76. Every guy ogles at the alluring Jessica Rabbit.

She may be pretty. But she prefers men with long ears and a fluffy tail.

77. If you’re Hindu, try this Kali costume on for size.

Not sure if it’s offensive. But if you can pull off a costume involving multiple pairs of appendages, that’s impressive.

78. Who can be scared of this little werewolf?

Okay, she might be quite fierce. But she’s so adorable, she’s scary.

79. With these ladies, each can fit inside the other.

Okay, maybe not. But since they’re dressed as Russian nesting dolls, they all seem the same.

80. Want anything from these 1950s waitresses?

Of course, they must have a lot of energy to serve people. Got to love the neck scarves.

81. Apparently, it’s laundry day here.

The kids are washing machines and baskets. The moms are detergent. Not sure about the old lady.

82. You’ll find a rainbow spectrum with these M&Ms.

Except rainbow M&Ms don’t really exist. But these are great.

83. Hope you can get alone with this cupcake.

She’s covered with white icing and sprinkles. And she’s wearing a cherry on top.

84. Nobody can resist this little Mr. Peanut.

You have the baby Planter’s Peanut mascot right here. Kind of wish they added his little monocle. But that’s okay.

85. You might want to keep away from the poop factory.

That’s pretty clever even if it’s slightly denigrating on the dog. Nonetheless, it’s a hit.

86. These two kids are going into the deep blue sea.

You can use bottles for the oxygen tanks. But instead of sea treasure, they’ll just bring back candy from trick or treating.

87. For those who fall and can’t get up, it’s Life Alert to the rescue.

Because nothing will get the ambulance to your home like Life Alert. Though this is only a demonstration.

88. Sometimes you just need a tag for the whole thing.

Now this dog is a beanie baby. You see, simple as that.

89. Seems like we have a cereal killer on the loose.

He goes everywhere stabbing cereals all over the place. Stop the carnage.

90. This man literally thinks he’s God’s gift to women.

So much he’s got himself gift wrapped to show it. Still, this is hilarious.

91. Apparently some creep has taken this girl’s head.

Don’t worry, this is just a costume. She’s alive and well. But yes, it freaks you out.

92. Say hello to Pat Sajak from Wheel of Fortune.

The wheel is an umbrella while the board is a bag saying “Trick or Treat.” So cute.

93. See this skydiver make a descent.

This is another parent and baby costume. The baby’s the aviator. The parent is the sky.

94. Hope you survive a brush with death.

Yes, that’s supposed to be Death with a large toothbrush. Still, this is clever.

95. You can always shine as a swan.

Her swan costume even lights up in the dark. Got to adore he wings and mask here.

96. You can always be a guest to Lumiere and Cogsworth.

Sure they’re girls. But you have to love how they’re dressed as the beloved clock and candelabra.

97. With these two, it’s totally surreal.

That’s Frida Kahlo and Salvador Dali. One was a prominent Mexican artists known for her self-portraits. The other’s a weird Spanish dude known for melting clocks.

98. It’s all in the cards with these king and queens.

Yes, they’re all cards. Consists of the King of Hearts and all 4 queens.

99. Perhaps you might enjoy this Christmas angel.

Well, she’s on top of the tree. Though it’s only October.

100. Made possible by the magic of Dream Works.

You can see how she lights up with the moon. Hope this makes Stephen Spielberg proud.

The Haunted World of Halloween Village Houses (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 26, 2017

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In the tradition of Christmasification, it’s on to the Halloween village houses. While village houses are more of a Christmas tradition, it wasn’t long in recent years that Halloween had become incredibly popular. So companies who made and sold Christmas village stuff expanded to Halloween with haunted villages. Because why stick to just one holiday? After all, there are some people who love this holiday more than Christmas anyway. Still, while Christmas evokes a winter wonderland, Halloween evokes plenty of haunted houses, cobwebs, graveyards, skeletons, and other spooky stuff. So it’s no wonder that people might prefer a miniature haunted village within their own haunted house. Nevertheless, if you’re in for a fright, enjoy another treasure trove of scary Halloween village houses for your reading pleasure.

As the coffin door says, “Enter at your own risk!”

And if the inscription is on a coffin, you might want to avoid it. Even if it is bright orange.

2. A purple striped house is certainly a scream.

This is made of paper with a witch in front and a tree behind. If you love Tim Burton, this is for you.

3. Don’t mind the ghost rising from the chimney.

This one lights up inside though it looks quite plain. Then again, haunted houses aren’t meant to look like much.

4. Any Halloween village can look stunning among orange tree lights.

Well, this haunted village doesn’t take much. But it certainly looks scary from the window.

5. When a haunted house has a “Keep Out!” sign, you better avoid it.

Though this is quite an amazing structure made of cardboard. And you don’t have to put a lot of enhancements on it.

6. Beware of the home with the skull and crossed bones.

This one has lace on the roof and a purple tree outside. The other tree doesn’t have much autumn leaves on it.

7. You’d almost think this Halloween village was a hoppin’ town.

Well, it almost seems like a carnival. You’ll find plenty of funny decorations on here. Still, love the lights.

8. An orange evergreen is perfect for any graveyard.

Yes, the tree gives a rather Dr. Seuss touch. Unless you mind the bats and tombstones.

9. You’d almost think this glitter house was abandoned.

Well, haunted houses often look abandoned. Though you’re bound to find ghosts inside.

10. If the house is boarded, there’s probably a ghost inside.

Helps if you put some cobwebs on it. Also, there’s a hint of light from the top window.

11. There’s something batty about this roof.

Contains some cobwebs at the front door and fence. And you’ll find a tombstone, too.

12. A black house is very scary with purple and green window trim.

Contains pom poms and a “Boo!” sign. And yes, it’s covered in glitter. So eerie.

13. You’ll find plenty of spooks on this black house.

This one is covered in cobwebs. But it’s home to ghosts, spiders, vampires, witches, and what have you.

14. Bet you want to know where that light is coming from this striped house.

This one has a roof depicting cobwebs. And yes, most of the trimming is black.

15. Sometimes a simple autumn house is best.

Though this one doesn’t have as much of the scary stuff as the other ones have. Nevertheless, it’s rather quaint.

16. Large lit trees are perfect for any haunted village.

The village doesn’t have to be large. Nor does the tree have to be billowing. A scrawny one will do.

17. A purple house can become especially eerie.

Has green smoke coming from the chimney. And it’s covered in cobwebs for that Halloween touch.

18. Sometimes a gray haunted house is all you need.

Yes, it’s made from cardboard. But it contains ghosts and bats on the upper levels.

19. Nothing goes better for a haunted village like a black metal chandelier on the ceiling.

This one has plenty of platforms. And it lights up at night. Though nobody would want a dog near on it.

20. Sometimes you may find a haunted home with a bright impression.

This one has a bright green house with orange and purple walls. And yes, it makes a great conversation piece.

21. Might want to think twice before entering this blue house.

Yes, it certainly looks like an abandoned house in the middle of the woods. Not sure if there’s a psychokiller lurking around.

22. Better be home before the clock on this strikes midnight.

Got to love the bright blue roof. If it wasn’t for the gray dour facade, you’d almost think it would go great on a Christmas village.

23. This black haunted house is all spotted.

This one appears rather kid family. Though it’s quite whimsical with cute characters.

24. Might want to proceed with caution at this haunted mansion.

This one is held by a pair of skeletons. Got to love the boards, bats, and cobwebs.

25. A gray home often goes well with the wrought iron.

This one also has a clock on it. Yet, the roof is quite fancy for some reason.

26. A skinny house can have a chimney that’s slightly askew.

Though you have to admire the windows on this one. You’d even have one on the tower.

27. There’s something ghostly coming from that purple house.

Though I’d find it more amazing for a ghost to go through a window or wall. But this house is amazing.

28. How about an orange haunted Halloween home?

You’ll find plenty of bare branches and Halloween stuff galore on this one. Great for any haunted display.

29. Sometimes a gray haunted house with a tower is all you need.

This one has quite a scary facade. Like the tombstones and tree.

30. Light through the windows can make any house look eerie from the inside.

This one has a roof trimmed with tinsel and a black tree on its side. A bat is on the front door.

31. You’ll find plenty of frights at this house.

This is made of paper with all kinds of scary figures outside or in the windows. Perfect for a village display.

32. A haunted village can always shine at night when it’s all dark.

This consists of a rocky land that matches the houses. Still, you have to love the lights.

33. With these 3 tower houses, you got to go beyond the grave.

Each of these is boarded up and in shiny paint. And you see plenty of ghosts and pumpkins everywhere.

34. Black houses are always a scream with glittery orange roofs.

Both of these houses have plenty of things to scare you with. And the black candelabra goes quite nicely with them.

35. A green haunted house sits on a rocky foundation.

Well, it certainly sticks out. Wonder if it lights up from the inside at night.

36. A blinged up haunted mansion makes a scary impression.

Yes, it’s quite flashy. But if you’re aiming for a haunted look, this will be a real graveyard smash.

37. A haunted place can be decked in whimsical colors.

This one has a purple roof with black walls and white dormers. You also have a friendly ghost with a smile.

38. You’d almost swear this house was condemned.

Sure it might look haunted. But never underestimate the power of light spray painting.

39. Sometimes a small ceramic house will do with a little paint.

I bet this was one of those craft Christmas houses painted for Halloween. Got to adore the skeletons though.

40. On haunted houses, there’s no limit on towers.

You can see it has lights coming from the inside. However, 4 towers is a bit much for me.

41. A black cat always prefers a bright orange home.

Though it really stands out in a dark room. Still, sometimes a small cottage can be rather scary in its own way.

42. A small orange house is as quaint as it is terrifying.

Helps if it has a black roof and a chimney. But it makes a great home for a ghost.

43. Care to know this home’s previous owner?

Gravestone reads “I.M. Knotwell.” You can guess how he died.

44. Making a small haunted house is simple in black and white.

One has lace trim. The other is covered in a spider web. Both are a haunted sensation.

45. Perhaps a haunted home in diamonds might suit you.

Nice how it’s surrounded by a wrought iron fence. Got to love the trees and lamp post.

46. Sometimes you might want to have a house with a fancy pattern.

Well, this kind of consists of two houses. Though they have different patterns. Like the windows and trees.

47. You’ll find haunted houses like these in 3 sizes.

You can even find them in 3 colors with unique features. All are covered with black cobwebs.

48. Hope you don’t mind the bloody ghost or giant skeleton.

Yes, it’s just a small purple house. But there’s a lot of scary shit going on there. Great for horror movie fans.

49. You can’t do with enough cobwebs on a haunted home.

Sure it’s mostly cotton stuffing from a craft store. But if you get it everywhere on a house like this, you’re doing it right.

50. Sometimes a haunted house is so simple as painting one black.

These mostly consists of ceramic craft houses painted black for a haunted look. Yes, making one of these is that easy.

51. A large black moon and bat are perfect for overlooking a nighttime village haunt.

And the moon is in the face of a skull in black glitter. But yes, it certainly gives a spooky impression.

52. You’d be pressed not pass up a black paper house like this.

You can see there are plenty of chalk markings. Yet, it kind of seems like the wind’s blowing at it.

53. You’d almost think this house can bend backwards.

Features an orange tree, skull and crossbones, and a spider on the roof. A good addition for any Halloween display.

54. Cheesecloth is handy for cobwebs and ghosts.

It’s a small orange glitter house. But you have to adore the ghosts and ghosts.

55. Some haunted houses are decked in all kinds of patterns.

You’d almost think the house has a mind of its own when you look at the windows and shutters. Has a fence with pumpkins.

56. Beware of the black house with the twin spires.

Yes, it’s a rather imposing structure. But you have to adore the black trees decked with orange garlands.

57. At times, a plain haunted house can be all you need.

You might think this just an abandoned house. But add Halloween stuff and it’s haunted.

58. You’d almost swear there was a witch here.

Well, it has a witch on the side which appears when you turn on the light inside. Eerie, isn’t it?

59. The more haunted a house looks the better.

This one has a cut out of freaky twins. And a roof that almost appears like wood.

60. Perhaps earth tones might strike your fancy.

You’d almost think it was real if it was life sized. Like the tree, by the way.

61. Wonder what this witch is brewing.

Then again, I may not want to know. But it’s certainly fancy on the outside.

62. A haunted house can really stand out in lime green.

Has a witch in the center. But the color is certainly a scream.

63. Doesn’t hurt if you board up a window or two.

After all, board up one window and you can really make the place look haunted. Then add some bats.

64. You’d almost think this house as a wicked cage.

Sure enough, it has “Wicked” in green glitter. And yes, it has a lot of dead plants and a spider.

65. You’d almost think this house was ready to collapse.

This one is made of ceramic with bright colors to spook. And yes, it’s quite amusing to see.

66. Perhaps you might want to stop at this scare hotel.

This one has a skeleton on the top story. But I have to like the chimney.

67. You’d almost think this place was a real ghost haunt.

Think of it where ghosts go for Mardi Gras. Though it’s more suited for Halloween.

68. It’s kind of unsettling when you see a green light from a black house.

This one is made of metal. Not sure what’s going on. But you have to like the spider web on here.

69. What’s that red light coming from that church?

Yes, it’s quite menacing. And yes, it’s made from black metal. So scary.

70. Pink light is perfect for a house with a tower.

This one seems to have candles inside. Though I’d see it as a fire hazard more or less.

71. Even a small flicker of light can be quite eerie.

This one is a black metal church. Though the bubbles can enhance its haunted look.

72. You can’t go wrong with a small green cottage.

Sure it doesn’t look like much. But you’d be charmed with the purple trim and a candy corn tree.

73. A simple frame house is perfect for a black cat.

Though I more or less imagine Victorian haunted houses. Modern design doesn’t really do the trick.

74. Seems like nature has really taken over this house.

This house is boarded up and covered with vines. It’s pretty original compared to the others.

75. You’d almost think this house was possessed by demons.

This is rather unsettling. Makes you wonder whether exorcists take house calls.

76. Might want to get a load on this skull tree.

Yes, that’s pretty creepy. Then again, creepy is kind of the point in this one.

77. Doesn’t hurt if a haunted house can shimmer.

This one has a gold roof with blue. But you got to like the tree with the ghosts.

78. There’s something grave near this trailer.

After all, if a home is mobile, you’d wonder why it’s near grave. Then again, you may not want to know.

79. At this house, you’ll find some visitors from another world.

This is supposed to be a UFO sighting. And it seems like the aliens are ready to descend.

80. Apparently, you’ll find this house under a spider infestation.

And it seems like a monster spider attack. If you’re afraid of spiders, you might find this horrifying.

81. A cottage like this is a giant ant’s paradise.

Though would you want to live near giant ants? Definitely not. Because that’s terrifying.

82. If you see snow, you might want to beware of the Yeti.

Though I’m not sure where you’ll find retro style houses in the Himalayas. Though this is quite a creative design.

83. When you see a UFO land, the aliens will emerge.

Never thought I’d see a village UFO crash for Halloween. Though please tell them that you come in peace.

84. Sometimes you can’t go wrong with a flashy purple house.

This one has purple glitter, purple bats, and purple everything. Love it.

85. Old jewelry can create a rather haunted look.

This one has jeweled bordered windows and a large black stone on the door. If you like scary and gaudy stuff, this is for you.

86. For more eerie effect, try some bright green on the windows.

This one is covered with glitter with pumpkins in front. Seems like a place you’d expect the Joker to live in.

87. There’s something ghastly about this abode.

Well, it’s kind of shaped like a ghost. But it’s black with purple windows. Nevertheless, it’s a rather haunted haven.

88. You might want to give some bones about this mobile home.

This one kind of gives me the creeps. Because most people don’t have skeletons outside their houses.

89. You might find something slithering at this frame house.

Apparently, this is basically a snake infestation. But I do like where the chimney is located.

90. There’s something coming from that manhole on the road.

Kind of reminds you of what you’d see in a monster movie. Still, the house seems rather doomed by the looks of it.

91. Perhaps you might want to relax at this autumn cabin.

Sure it may not seem like Halloween. But it kind of has a rather rustic flair.

92. A haunted house can stand out with colorful stripes.

Sure it might have pastel colors. But it’s definitely a Halloween house with graves.

93. Bright colors always make a rather whimsical haunted house.

This one seems rather like a kid friendly craft project. Still, the ghosts are a delight.

94. There are some ghosts who prefer festive accommodations.

This one is made from ceramic. But you have to love trimmings and towers.

95. Nothing can make a house more haunted like Halloween candy.

This one has a rather glittery facade. But you can’t help but trick or treat with this.

96. Bet you find an orange spider on this house.

Well, at least on the top. Still, the black trees on this one are rather imposing.

97. Sometimes a ghost might prefer a glittery home.

It even has some glittery windows and tombstones. Perfect for those who like shiny things.

98. This house seems shaped like a coffin.

Well, in a way. Yet, it has a door in the corner under the word “Boo!”

99. I suppose this is a home to a druggist.

Still, would you want to get any drugs from this place? Probably not.

100. No amazing haunted house should go without a pumpkin

This one is green with black stripes. Still, the pumpkin adds a rather Halloween touch.

The Dark Scary World of Vintage Halloween Costumes (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 25, 2017

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Whether intended to be scary or cute, many of these vintage Halloween costumes seem rather terrifying for some reason. Perhaps they made costumes differently. Or maybe it’s the photography since black and white can make things look significantly scarier than color. Maybe they were just more creative. But whatever the reason Halloween back then apparently seemed much creepier than today’s equivalents. And if you lived back then, chances are you’d probably wouldn’t want to run into any partiers or trick or treaters. Nevertheless, for your reading pleasure, I give you yet another installment of some really creepy old Halloween costumes to send a shiver up your spine.

You might want to beware of the clowns living in Uncanny Lane.

By the way, do you know Pennywise the Clown from It? Well, these are his parents. Or grandparents. I’m not exactly sure.

2. Perhaps you can be a deer and what the hell is that thing?

Then again, the deer head costume kind of looks a bit creepy as well. But it’s nothing compared to the one kind of resembling a badly designed ghost cat.

3. For a devil costume all you need is a dress and matching horns.

Sure they may not look scary. Yet, the hooked tails kind of look out of place.

4. Think of this classroom scene as Arthur meets Pet Semetary.

Man, those masks are so creepy as hell. Guaranteed to give you nightmares for weeks.

5. Oh, look two trick or treaters.

Okay, you can take all the candy you want! Just go away and don’t kill me!

6. Children always look forward to a Halloween parade.

Might want to flee the neighborhood when they’re around. Unless you have a huge stock of candy.

7. Apparently, Spock goes for purple haired chicks.

Actually that doesn’t look like Spock at all. Besides, couldn’t the parents just use make up and pointed ears? Seems less scary.

8. Please don’t look behind the bushes.

Because these two girls will straight up murder you. Sure they might be playing around. But piss them off, you’ll soon regret it.

9. This boy is quite a skilled bear baiter.

For one, this costume pair makes light of cruelty to animals. Second, that is the most terrifying bear I’ve ever seen. Please don’t sick that thing on me.

10. Be wary around anything with a big head.

After all, the one with the bag was never seen again after this picture was taken. Sure the big headed guy might look silly but avoid if you value you life.

11. Beware of the scary ghouls with flashlights.

Yes, they’re trick or treaters. But give them anything with razor blades and they’ll put you through hell.

12. You’ll surely be endeared with this clown wearing musical cats.

On second thought, those cats are terrifying. If there’s a cat version of Deliverance, I bet any money they’d be in it.

13. On Halloween, best not to piss off this wicked witch.

No, she’s not the kind of witch you’d see on Harry Potter. And if you do anything stupid, she can easily turn you into a toad.

14. “Smile for the camera, children!”

We have idea what happened to the kid in the cap after this. For he was never seen again.

15. Keep away from those wearing large masks.

Yes, those are incredibly horrifying. So is the cat. Might want to avoid if you value your life.

16. Try getting these women out of these large bottles.

They’re dressed as gin and port. And from how the labels are placed, I’m not sure if they’re wearing much else.

17. Someone in this picture has their mask on upside down.

But the mask is nevertheless terrifying just the same. Also, you don’t want to piss off those at the fountain.

18. When these two clowns visit your neighborhood, you better be on your guard.

Make sure you have plenty of candy. For if you don’t, chances are you’ll never be seen again.

19. Better give this devil his due.

Yes, that mask is certainly menacing. So you better give him candy before he takes your soul.

20. Sometimes a so-called cute creature can be upright murderous.

Yes, the costumes here are kind of scary. But the panda and chipmunk are truly the stuff of nightmares.

21. No, you don’t want to shake hands with the pumpkin man.

At first I thought it was a Halloween decoration. Still, I don’t think this girl’s exercising good judgement.

22. Whatever you do, it would be wise not to crash this party.

For all you know, party crashers could be on the menu. So you might as well stay away if you value your life.

23. When trick or treating, kids, there are just some homes you must stay away from.

This house would fall among those you should skip. Doesn’t matter if their candy is good. Because they could easily put you in a pot or a hot oven.

24. Of course, many costume parties should always have a group photo.

Yet, you best not want to see these people in a dark alley. Or intoxicated. Also, what’s party hat Hitler doing here? Talk about terrifying.

25. Don’t want to know who let these dogs out.

For all I know, they’d drag me into the woods and murder me. So best you keep away from these two.

26. Perhaps you might want to pay a visit to the pumpkin man.

May not be as scary as Donald Trump. But the pumpkin head and abdomen is unsettling. Still, have to admire the squash wagon.

27. This guy just wants someone to sit with him.

Though better if you shouldn’t. For you never know what he might do to you. Then again, he might be just lonely.

28. On Halloween, sometimes you might want to know what happened to certain kids’ heads.

I know it’s a mask head. But that just doesn’t look right for some reason. Not sure why.

29. I’m sure this girl wouldn’t want to hold hands with this Uncle Sam.

Even the old costumes not meant to be scary are terrifying. This especially goes for ones of Uncle Sam for some reason. Yes, I feel for that girl, too.

30. Even ghosts can get tired sometimes.

But that’s still a very creepy costume. Also the one with the black leather mask is quite menacing.

31. Sometimes it helps if your costumes match.

Though stripes don’t detract from the horrifying expressions. Best to keep away if you value your life.

32. On Halloween, chances are you might run into a ghost in your neighborhood.

But if you run into this one, try to get out of sight before they haunt your dreams. Otherwise, nobody will see you again.

33. When Dracula and Frankenstein band together, no one is safe.

Sure they’re store bought masks. But they nevertheless seem scary as hell.

34. Keep away from the clown in the corner.

Yes, clowns can terrify us. But this is especially so in black and white photography.

35. Even a pumpkin from bags can horrifying onlookers.

That face may have a smile. But you don’t want to mess with them. Seriously, don’t.

36. Somehow I’m not sure what’s going on with this rabbit.

Cute little bunny rabbit in an outfit isn’t what I have in mind with this one. In fact, wouldn’t be surprised if this girl took out an ax.

37. If you thought the twins from The Shining were creepy…

Those masks are just uncanny and menacing. Guaranteed to give you nightmares.

38. Sometimes it helps of you crack a few egg…people.

This woman’s costume doesn’t even have arm’s for God’s sake. Yet, she doesn’t seem to mind. Not sure why.

39. There’s a strong chance you might be visited by green people from another world.

If they visit you, best to give them what they want. Else, they might vaporize you.

40. Pennywise the Clown has nothing on this guy.

Hell, this guy makes Pennywise look like a clown at a birthday party. Why he doesn’t get the Stephen King treatment, no one knows.

41. Sometimes a costume might seem scarier under candle light.

You can see this in action with this ugly vampire. I’m sure he’d give the guy from Nosferatu a run for his money.

42. Even a wolf can seem scary near a jack-o-lantern.

Not sure if he’ll kill your grandma or blow down your house. But if go near him, you probably don’t want to know.

43. There are some trick or treaters you simply just can’t greet.

Just throw candy at them and have them leave. But not those Dum Dum lollipops. Or candy corn. Else, you’ll regret it.

44. Guess this is what you’d call a 1930s insane clown posse.

Okay, they might not be juggalos. But they’re dressed as clowns. And they’re certainly insane.

45. Only a clown can enjoy a slow dance with a ghoulish ghost.

Though which one I should feel bad for is a difficult question. After all, both seem likely to kill you in your sleep.

46. When these 3 ghosts visit the neighborhood, it’s time to run.

Because if you don’t give them candy, they will haunt your dreams. Or perhaps worse.

47. A jolly clown like this boy is one to avoid.

After all, he might get his jollies from hacking people to pieces. Don’t believe me? Just look at his face.

48. When ghost drive by night, be very afraid.

Still, if you drive near these, you might want to give them the right of way. Because you might regret it if you don’t.

49. Don’t worry about these witches hanging.

Though the old crone seems like one who’d use a candy house to eat children. The other woman doesn’t seem to mind.

50. You can create a scary costume with a white sheet.

Yes, these are certainly menacing. Definitely guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

51. No, you don’t want to touch that clown’s nose.

Though the other kids seem pretty terrifying as well. Nevertheless, best to avoid them on the street.

52. When you see some ghastly folks in cone hats, it’s time to run.

Best not to push their buttons. For you don’t want to be chopped to pieces. So don’t piss them off.

53. Sometimes a simple paper bag can make all the difference.

Must take an artist to make a simple brown paper bag inspire nightmares. Stephen King would be proud.

54. When you’re on a budget, go with newspaper.

Not sure what he’s supposed to be. But at least he’s willing to get creative. Yet, he’s a long shot in any costume contest.

55. Better not look behind you when bobbing for apples.

Because if you do, these undead will kidnap you and bury you alive. So happy apple bobbing, kids.

56. Introducing for one night only, the Skeleton Triplets.

You should really see them dance since they’re such a scream. Also inspire screams when looking into their stone cold faces.

57. When you see this witch around, her little brother won’t be far behind.

So please treat them well and give them candy. But not candy corn since they will absolutely murder you if you do.

58. Even the Devil can be trusted around babies.

Okay, I know this is a picture of siblings. But that masks might suggest the boy’s less than a wholesome influence.

59. Here’s a photo of Pennywise from his childhood.

Let’s just say this was one kid in the neighborhood you didn’t mess with. Because he’d basically kill you.

60. On Halloween, best not mess with these witches.

After all, to these girls, black magic is serious business. And if they turn you into a toad, consider yourself lucky.

61. When he shows up, it’s your time to go.

Since he’s the Grim Reaper. Okay, he’s dressed up as one. But he’s quite frightening.

62. You might want to watch your back with these little devils around.

If you think they’re scary now. Just imagine them with their masks on.

63. Children always enjoy community trick or treating.

But you’d almost mistake this bunch for a horde of horrid monsters. Avoid them like the plague.

64. Apparently, these clowns have taken a couple of hostages.

And it’s likely these two boys may not have long to live. Poor angels.

65. Now this kid has a rather funny looking face.

Never underestimate the power of paper mache. And yes, this mask is terrifying.

66. The difference between these two is in black and white.

No, these two aren’t the aliens from “Let That Be Your Last Battlefield.” Because they didn’t have Star Trek at the time.

67. Bet you wouldn’t want to run into these trick-or-treaters.

Seems like you’ll find plenty of scary masks here. So best to either give them candy or avoid.

68. Don’t look now but Frankenstein’s monster is in the neighborhood.

Though to be fair, Frankenstein’s monster isn’t supposed to be bad. Rather it’s Dr. Frankenstein who’s the real monster.

69. You never know what you can make with paper bags and yarn.

And yes, they’re certainly frightening. Talk about creepy craft projects.

70. Thought Anne Jetson didn’t resemble a horror movie character.

Yet, this one makes a cartoon character seem like she’s from an uncanny valley. Eeek!

71. Should you attend this Halloween party, best to leave as soon as you can.

And yes, I can feel for the guy without a costume in this. Chances are, he won’t be coming home that night.

72. Not sure if he’s a soldier or executioner.

On the other hand, the woman’s dress goes perfect with the wallpaper. Though I wouldn’t mess with the guy with the ax.

73. You’d swear these women’s hair would stand on end.

And they all seem tucked into a sheet like they’re standing. Indeed, I don’t understand it.

74. Apparently, Nathan Bedford Forrest Elementary School wasn’t known for its sensitivity training program.

There’s a reason why we don’t want people to use a cone hat on their ghost costume. Because it brings a startling resemblance to what some white supremacists wear.

75. Dead Mickey Mouse and Batgirl Thing say goodbye.

And yes, their costumes seem to defy all explanation. Yet, they’re also incredibly terrifying.

76. Hope you never run into this rare bird.

Because she doesn’t seem very friendly. Also wears high-heeled shoes.

77. Sometimes you can do plenty with a cardboard mask.

Sure it’s a very cheap Halloween costume. But at the same time, it turns a child into a neighborhood psychokiller.

78. Seems like demonic monsters revel in the great outdoors.

Though you wouldn’t want to be out when they’re in the neighborhood. And yes, I hear they do kill unsuspecting bystanders.

79. Everyone always has fun at the skeleton dance.

But they sure don’t give any bones about freaking out the neighbors. Or anyone else.

80. Sometimes the scary is all kept in the family.

And let’s just say they always dress for dinner. But yes, the women will certainly give you the heebie jeebies.

Ghastly Halloween Greetings in the Ghoulish Days of Old (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on October 21, 2017

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Now it’s on to vintage Halloween greeting cards. Whenever I do a post on holiday greeting cards, I usually go for the vintage lot mostly since they have a lot of crazy imagery that don’t hold up in contemporary times. Not to mention, people sent greeting cards to each other way more often than today. Well at least it seems that way. Halloween cards are no exception. Many of these cards use very creepy illustrations sometimes depicting stuff that doesn’t make sense to the modern eye. Sometimes figures aren’t drawn right that they look unintentionally creepy like children. And sometimes the inscription might contain a suggestive message correlating to the image, which I most often see on vintage valentines. Some of these cards could be outright offensive at a demographic stand point. But regardless of what you might see, you’d probably wouldn’t send these cards to a loved one any time soon. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasure trove of vintage Halloween cards time forgot.

A large lit jack-o-lantern sets a black cat’s fur on end.

Though I think the cat’s more freaked out by the kid who’s threatening to whack him with a broomstick. Though that jack-o-lantern is creepy.

2. Nobody’s happier on Halloween than a pumpkin head child with gold teeth.

However, this pumpkin kid has inspired countless nightmares ever since. Seriously, anyone would be freaked out by this.

3. Halloween is always a time of year to casually converse with floating jack-o-lanterns.

Because there’s nothing crazy about talking to floating pumpkins under candle light. Okay, little Jimmy may be a little eccentric. But please understand him.

4. “May you have a jolly Halloween!”

However, neither of these kids holding pumpkins seem jolly. More like the kids who showed up at a Halloween party without a costume.

5. Flying a broom at night is thrilling for this pumpkin head kid.

Not sure what’s creepier. Seeing a crone witch flying on a broom in the sky or this. At least flying witches don’t give you nightmares.

6. If you let the candle drip in the water on Halloween, the face of your soulmate will appear.

Guess this is a superstition but I don’t think love works that way. Also, how is that guy sitting without a chair?

7. Cats and little girls are always Halloween chums.

This girl’s like “I’ll love em’ and squeeze em,’ and keep em’ forever and ever.” Cat makes a face like someone in a hostage situation.

8. “A happy future/I hope you will see/On Hallow’een in a cup of tea.”

Not sure if I can go on with that idea. Still, hope the girl doesn’t look at that fairy. Eeek.

9. Happy Halloween from the living human squash garden.

The fact these have pumpkin and squash heads and human bodies make them terrifying enough. You could almost make a horror movie with these.

10. Pumpkin head scarecrow wishes you a joyous Halloween.

Because he’s the only thing keeping you safe from these freaky children. Their smiles are particularly menacing.

11. Terrifying boy with broomstick wishes you a jolly Halloween.

Looking at that kid’s face makes me feel for the whimpering jack-o-lantern. Hate to think of what that boy will do with that broom.

12. Demons and squash people relish in a Halloween feast.

I don’t know why these squash people exist in these Halloween cards. Yet one really seems to enjoy the chocolate box.

13. “Ho! For a Merry Hallowe’en!”

Seems like the jack-o-lantern wants the kid to climb into his mouth in order to devour him. And the moon’s relishing watching the whole thing. Maybe Linus should be glad the Great Pumpkin never came to his neck of the woods.

14. You can’t have a Halloween party without inviting a small moon man.

I’ve heard of the man in the moon. But I had no idea that he had a human body and wears a suit. Still, seems to like tall girls fro some reason.

15. “Pumpkin head I would like to be/If in your arms you would take me.”

Look, I know this is supposed to be a card someone sent to their sweetheart. But the terrifying pumpkins in the background just freak me out.

16. Stay safe on Halloween and watch out for flying jack-o-lanterns.

And you thought the wolf was bad enough for Little Red Riding Hood. Run for your life from those pumpkins! For they will only bring you death.

17. Apparently, nobody wants a visit from the jack-o-lantern ghost.

Still, I’m not sure if the jack-o-lantern is really a head. Or if it’s just on top on its head. Maybe I don’t want to know.

18. Witches on broomsticks always fly by night.

Yet, the man in the moon always likes to gaze at the young witch’s best attributes. Which makes the cats terrified and brings scorn from the owl.

19. Happy Halloween from the hulking depressed ghost.

Guess someone’s not in a scary mood this Halloween night. Not sure what the witch and small scarecrow think otherwise.

20. Bobbing for apples is always Halloween fun.

However, a white girl dressed as an Indian falls under cultural appropriation. Not exactly offensive like the Cleveland Indians logo but still.

21. Children always look forward to Halloween night.

Yet, black cats seem to be afraid of everything. This one absolutely dreads a small child’s embrace and for good reason.

22. “On All-hallows Eve,/When the hour is late,/Pull a root from the garden/And meet your fate.”

Yet, a root with a face and appendages just defies all concepts of biology. Also, what’s this about pulling up root veggies for Halloween?

23. May you see your dream boat in your mirror on Halloween, thanks to witch coming from a pumpkin.

She’s probably freaked out by the witch coming from the pumpkin. Though she might want to look at her ginger dream guy in the mirror. Yet, she’s not paying attention.

24. There’s nothing more fun on Halloween than stealing the occasional jack-o-lantern.

And those trick or treaters should be lucky that the policeman chasing them doesn’t have a gun. Though the ghost kid looks straight out of a horror movie.

25. Halloween greetings from a little red hatted witch.

However, as she sorts her mail, she devises her own little evil plan. So if you see her, you might want to run away from her like hell.

26. Sometimes even witches wouldn’t want to go near a pumpkin headed scarecrow.

Though this guy doesn’t seem able to go anywhere so he might want some companionship. Then again, we’ve probably heard all about Donald Trump’s sexual assault allegations. So I wouldn’t blame the witch here.

27. Everyone always wants to take part in a Halloween parade.

However, you wouldn’t want to take part in this procession. And the fact the pumpkin lanterns also seem to enjoy it only inspires more nightmares. Seriously, why?

28. “At twelve o’clock you must be ready,/And hold your pumpkin good and steady/For by its rays of candle light/On Halloween all things are bright!”

However, the moon behind this witch seems to give her a massive pervo stare. Wonder why she doesn’t feel uncomfortable here.

29. Halloween night might startle you with an occasional fright once in awhile.

I’m sure the cat’s freaked out by the sight of the squash people. Because these squash people are the stuff of nightmares.

30. “The time has come/For the witches’ dance,/And the spooks from far and near/Will gather and make merry/For Halloween is here.”

Though being stared down by a giant jack-o-lantern cannot be a pleasant experience. The green goblins look kind of freaky, too.

31. Remember if you go out alone on Halloween night, you’ll be in for a fright.

Yet, that couple might not want to mind the terrifying jack-o-lantern in the window. Kind of seems evil for some reason.

32. Squash people can’t resist a piece of cake.

Though they sure look terrifying eating it. Still, I swear these guys were a product of some 19th century drug trip.

33. On Halloween night, don’t miss the charms of the witching hour.

Yet, that laughing pumpkin moon just gives me the creeps. And I think the white cat agrees with me.

34. Nothing beats trick or treating on Halloween.

Not sure if this kid’s even wearing costume. Then again, he probably doesn’t need one since he looks pretty terrifying already.

35. A witch’s cauldron should always bring all the spirits in view.

Yes, those faces will give you nightmares. But what’s with that masked person?

36. “Could I borrow a witch’s flying machine/I’d visit you on Hallow’een.”

Yet, this witch doesn’t seem to fly her broom right. Apparently, the broom part is supposed to be down.

37. Apparently, nobody wants to see flying jack-o-lanterns on a cow.

Well, if I were that woman, I’d be flipping out in fright, too. Those jack-o-lantern smiles are just terrifying.

38. Seems like this black cat really doesn’t like what’s coming out of that cauldron.

Then again, it’s not like I’d blame the cat for anything. Because I thought those cauldrons were just for magic potions.

39. If you want to know your fortune, pull out a beet from your garden at midnight.

Still, the gnome fairy is just incredibly freaky looking. Also, going out in your garden for a beet to read your future? What the hell?

40. No feat is greater on Halloween than carving a giant pumpkin in the patch.

Now we know where the Great Pumpkin came from. Still, can’t really see a kid doing this. Also, you don’t see a lot of stuff lying around. I mean don’t you have to shell out the contents first?

41. If you look in the mirror on Halloween, the fiend will show you the person you marry.

Though I wouldn’t want to look at the white fiend behind if I were him. Also, I don’t think he’s pleased with what he’s seeing.

42. Beware what you find in that old grandfather clock.

Seems like the cat looked and its fur already stands on end. Still, bound to give you nightmares.

43. Keep an eye out for ghosts on Halloween night.

And yes, the ghosts seem like they’re straight out of some horror film. One of them is about to reach for that woman’s shoulder. Freaky.

44. You can always make merry on the drum on Halloween night.

However, the drum doesn’t seem to look happy at all. Also, the cats are parading around mice, which they eat.

45. You never know what you’ll run into on Halloween night.

Or who will be coming home with brown on the seat of their pants. Though seeing a ghostly figure in the woods will freak out just about anyone.

46. There’s nothing scarier than being chased by a jack-o-lantern on legs.

Yes, you’d probably run away from that, too. But the kids seem substantially creepier to me, especially the one getting trampled.

47. Bobbing for apples is always a wholesome Halloween activity.

Though this guy’s wondering which of the twins he wants to make out with. Or he just wants to gape at one of the girl’s drenched pink dress.

48. Happy Halloween, courtesy of Nightmare man.

Surely wouldn’t want to see that guy riding on a broomstick upside down. Yet, the woman with the jack-o-lantern doesn’t seem to mind.

49. May cats in jack-o-lantern hot air balloons bring you Halloween joys.

Even the owl can’t believe what it’s witnessing at the moment. Yes, that’s probably inspired by some drug trip.

50. As you know, jack-o-lanterns can come in so many faces.

Yet, each one of these pumpkins is rather eerie in its own way. Particularly if they have teeth.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

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