O Tannenbaum, on the Christmas Tree

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The scrawny little Charlie Brown Tree, made infamous by the Peanuts Holiday Special, A Charlie Brown Christmas. However, unlike the cartoon, giving a little love to this tree won’t make it the Christmas tree of your dreams.

Of course, the Christmas tree is one of the pinnacle Christmas decorations which entails taking an evergreen and decorating it with lights, ribbons, ornaments, and fancy doodads. Of course, Christmas trees were of pagan origin once used to celebrate a winter solstice holiday in the Germanic region before crossing over to Christianity. And even then, they were only a German tradition until the reign of Queen Victoria, especially after her marriage to Prince Albert who helped popularize the tradition worldwide, (especially in areas controlled by the British Empire). Ever since, the Christmas tree has become a definitive symbol of Christmas as well as one erected every public place in America during the holiday season. Of course, while many Christmas trees are beautiful and spectacular to behold, others are not so much. So without further adieu, I’ll show you pictures of some of the tackiest trees of the season as well as give you tips on how to get the perfect Christmas tree.

1. Either chop down an evergreen or get an artificial tree that looks like one (if you either don’t want to or building regulations won’t let you).

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I know that making a Christmas tree out of used beer bottles may be more environmental friendly than the two traditional routes. Yet, no matter how eco-friendly such an idea is, people are going to see it as only appropriate for a frathouse.

a. If artificial, make sure your tree is green.

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Sure I may be dreaming of a White Christmas. A white Christmas tree? Not so much.

b. If live, make sure it looks like a Christmas tree and fits in your house.

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This apparently does neither.

2. Stand your Christmas tree upright on a stand (Upside down trees are impossible to water and difficult to put ornaments on).

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Upside down Christmas trees may seem funny but they look utterly ridiculous, especially when used as a chandelier.

3. Choose a decent tree topper (a ribbon, angel, or star will do).

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Flamingos may be appropriate lawn ornaments, but they are overwhelmingly tacky tree toppers for this very reason.

4. Don’t be a sloppy decorator.

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I can’t see how this could be a nice tree which seems so crappily done. Of course, they don’t call it “Christmas Craptackular” for nothing.

5. If you’re doing a theme, choose a decent one.

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I’m not sure if a clown pez-dispenser theme cuts it. For God’s sake, it’s creepy.

6. Make sure your tree isn’t buried in ornaments that people could see it.

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A Christmas tree that can only be seen in a Liberace fever dream.

7. Go easy on the tinsel.

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Seriously, this is too much tinsel. I mean way too much tinsel.

8. There are some things that won’t look good on a Christmas tree.

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Bird feathers make this tree especially hideous.

9. Keep it as PG as possible (Christmas is for family after all).

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I’m not sure if this makes the cut depending on the audience.

10. Make sure the tree doesn’t take over your house.

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Seriously, how does this guy get around that thing?

11. Remember to take proper care of your tree, especially if live.

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Apparently this tree’s owners didn’t. Makes a Charlie Brown Tree look vibrant by comparison.

12. Use bows and ribbons in moderation.

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That’s way too many bows. Seriously, way too many bows and they look so gaudy.

13. If artificial, don’t use one from a designer.

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Seriously, this is one of the most hideous trees I’ve ever seen. It just looks terrible and you know this was done by a professional. People are better off decorating their trees themselves.

14.Make sure your tree isn’t scary looking.

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Merry Christmas from Transylvania where our trees are among the creepiest you’ve ever seen.

15. Make sure your Christmas tree looks as symmetrical as possible.

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Dr. Seuss called, he wants his Christmas tree back for one of his children’s books.

16. Make sure you can see the ornaments if you choose to use other decorations.

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With the amount of multicolored tinsel streamers here, it’s easy to picture this tree standing in Elton John’s living room.

For More:

http://www.holytaco.com/25-hideous-christmas-trees/

Worldwide Christmas Tree Contest: http://treecontest.worldwidechristmas.com/

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/80453966/

Decorating with Christmas Lights

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My family has been one of the few in my neighborhood who doesn’t decorate the house with Christmas lights since we’re kind of low maintenance and don’t think having a festive house is worth a trip to the emergency room (as my dad says “No way in hell”) or the money and time. However, there are plenty of people who look forward to the Christmas season so they can decorate their houses like this. Perhaps Christmas is an excuse for people to use such outlet for artistic expression and draw attention to onlookers. Some are spectacular and tastefully done while others can make you wonder if the person has more Christmas decorations than he or she knows what to do with. Of course, I can go on with bringing you light displays tastefully done but since this is the internet, no one wants to see nice Christmas light displays because well, because good yuletide lighting is so subjective so I’ll show pictures of the garish looking houses while giving you do’s and don’ts on lighting decorations even though I’m no expert on these things.

Do: Have plenty of light bulbs to spare.

Don’t: Use all your Christmas light bulbs at once.

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Chances are, this guy did use them all at once.

Do: Try to please everyone.

Don’t: Just try pleasing yourself and the power company.

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I’m sure the local power plant workers drive by this house knowing that its energy usage will pay for their Christmas bonus.

Do: Aim for the minimum.

Don’t: Be too minimal.

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Could barely see this, even with it all lit up. Seriously, these people need a better display than that.

Do: Try to blend in with the neighbors.

Don’t: Turn decorating into a competition.

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I sense a decorating war going on here.

Do: Try to be as organized with storing your light strands as possible.

Don’t: Leave your strands in a tangled mess, especially on the roof.

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I guess some people don’t know when to keep going.

Do: Try to stock on Christmas light decorations.

Don’t: Have more Christmas light decorations than you know what to do with.

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Seriously, I think these people have that problem.

Do: Spend time perfecting your Christmas light display.

Don’t: Do a sloppy job.

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Either these people were too lazy to fix it or their light display was knocked up by the storm. Nevertheless, doesn’t look right and very sloppy.

Do: Accessorize.

Don’t: Accessorize to excess.

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Jesus, how do the owners manage to get in or out? Hope they have a back door.

Do: Try to create a proper arrangement with your decorations.

Don’t: Place your decorations inappropriately.

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This may be funny to look at but parents will complain if their kids see it.

Do: Be creative.

Don’t: Go beyond a G or PG rating. (Honestly, there will be kids in some of those cars.)

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Santa Claus taking a whiz. I’m sure parents will complain about that. Still, pretty funny.

Do: Try to make it visible during the daytime.

Don’t: Bury your house or yard in the decorations.

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Seriously, there doesn’t seem to be any room on the yard and the house is nearly buried in blow up figures.

Do: Decorate your outside trees.

Don’t: Do it without adhering to standards of decency.

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Please don’t ask me what this palm tree reminds me of. Please don’t.

Do: Try to improvise if you can’t find what you’re looking for.

Don’t: Use a beer case for a manger.

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Where making do with what you have doesn’t apply.

Do: Try to stand out.

Don’t: Be a distraction to drivers.

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Certainly will be a distraction to drivers since it stands out so much.

Do: Express yourself.

Don’t: Have your display contain violent imagery.

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A hanging reindeer from a tree with blood spurting out of it. Not a good idea.

Do: Shine and be festive.

Don’t: Blow the power grid.

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This will cause a power outage for sure.

For More Tacky Light Displays:

Ugly Christmas Lights.com: http://www.uglychristmaslights.com/ – A whole site devoted to tacky Christmas displays.

One from Fairfax, VA called Holly’s Tacky Christmas Lights: http://www.fairfaxchristmaslights.com/

From Huffington Post which also has tacky Christmas Trees: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/08/tacky-christmas-lights-photos-videos_n_2260824.html

The Definitive Holiday Gift Guide on What Not to Buy for Kids

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On my last post I wrote about what not to give adults for Christmas in the wake of the holiday season. This time I focus on the kids since they are a whole different category to themselves and are much easier to buy for. For one, Children usually know what they want for Christmas and you can always consult their parents on what would make a good gift. Not to mention, you can be consulted on what’s safe for them. Besides, even if you don’t give them exactly what they want, the good ones usually get over it. Nevertheless, Christmas is a holiday that usually markets to children anyway. However, there are plenty of toys out there that I’m sure no parent would want their kids to have or children wouldn’t want in the first place. Here is a list of some of the worst toys one should never buy for children.

1. My Cleaning Trolley

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Of course, I’ve never been into cleaning and I don’t think a toy would ever encourage me to do that. Nevertheless, I think this wouldn’t be a bad toy to give a child if this product wasn’t marketed to just girls as well as didn’t take the form of a janitorial set. I don’t see anything against promoting household chores in the toy world but even toy kitchens can still be more gender neutral. Yet, this doesn’t seem very gender neutral to me as well as resembles something more associated with a public, commercial, or industrial building than what anyone would have in their home. Encouraging girls how to clean is fine, encouraging girls to be cleaning ladies, well, I’m not sure if that’s going to bode well especially if it’s in stores in ethnic and racial minority communities.

2. Lil’ Monkey

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This is just racist, plain and simple. Anyone who’s black and/or knows anything about American history would see why this toy shouldn’t be on the shelves. Comparing blacks to monkeys has always had negative connotation in one of the worst racist forms. And this didn’t just happen in America, but also in much of western civilization, especially during colonization. This isn’t cute, it’s insulting. I mean really who makes this kind of shit?

3. Playmobil Security Checkpoint

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This is disturbing. I mean a security checkpoint toy set? Really, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I guess this is something to desensitize them when they go to an airport, school, or some government building. Seriously how can you encourage creative play with that without worrying about your child’s imagination? Look, how much real security has their minds run wild. Still, at least it doesn’t have a full body scan that they used after the Underwear Bomber. Also, it’s $60.

4. Pole Dancer Doll

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Yikes! How did this doll ever get to be made? Sure being a stripper is a career choice for many parents but that doesn’t mean there should be a doll to encourage it. Even stripper parents don’t want their kids becoming strippers because they have awful lives. Not only that but it also sexualizes young girls in ways I can’t even describe especially since the doll looks like a little girl herself.

5. Gasoline Powered Audi Two Seater Car for Kids

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Really? A gas powered car for kids? Unbelievable. I have nothing against toy cars but there’s absolutely no way in hell I’d buy that for any kid. For one, it’s about $14,000, which is more than many real life cars as well as many other more important gas powered products like lawn mowers. Second, it uses gas for energy which means it will probably pollute the skies. Third, it’s an accident waiting to happen with its maximum speed of 13 MPH and as street legals as a lawn mower.

6. Lightning Reaction Extreme

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I had a lot of games when I was a kid. However, I don’t think I’d like playing this one but it might have been useful for me if my parents knew I was ever going to do Quiz Bowl. Still, I don’t think this game could translate into family fun unless it’s in a sado-masochistic way if you know what I mean. Otherwise, what you’d mostly hear are kids screaming by the end. There are two versions of this game, one in which only the slowest player gets shocked and the other where everyone else but the fast player gets shocked. I don’t know but I don’t see electrocution as anything fun to endure and maybe border around child abuse. Seriously, what sadistic bastard would think otherwise?

7. Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring

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Or according to the Huffington Post: “Way to take a game that is ages old and barely fun and add unnecessary plastic.” Couldn’t said it better myself.

8. Breastfeeding Baby Doll

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Though this doll doesn’t really promote sexualizing young girls and uses flowers instead of nipples, perhaps it’s disturbingly a little too close to home. Well, other than the girl wearing the halter top over her outfit but still little doll babies suckling and moving its mouth seems a little disturbing. Girls, I get that you want to feed your baby doll like your mommy feeds your baby siblings but this is ridiculous. Tagline reads “Because you shouldn’t have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby.” Many parents would think otherwise.

9. Tongue Kissing Pops

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Sure there are plenty of candy toys but this one is downright inappropriate enough which consists of animal heads with a tongue shaped lollipop coming out. Even more disturbing that these have animal heads which not only may encourage your kids try getting to second base but perhaps experimenting with bestiality. And lord knows how that could go wrong.

10. Video Girl Barbie

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This is a toy in which the Barbie doll has a video camera placed between her breasts which is capable recording about a 30 minute video. Sure there’s nothing wrong about trying to foster a young girl’s interest in filmmaking, especially with the lack of female Hollywood directors and cinematographers out there. However, before you get this, take heed from the FBI that in the wrong hands (think pedophile) this doll can be used as “a possible child pornography production method.” Of course, so could any video production product.

11. McDonald’s Drive-Thru Playset

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As if McDonald’s isn’t trying to corrupt kids’ appetites with Happy Meals already. Now they market these so your kid may be willing to work for them sometime in the future. Yet, as HuffPo said, “You have to give them credit for trying to secure their workforce as early as possible.” Still, doesn’t capture the reality of working for McDonald’s, yet at least it’s not like encouraging kids to be strippers or anything though not by much. Actually this goes for any McDonald’s toy product.

12. Play-Doh Dr. Drill n’ Fill

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Of course, this might encourage your kid to become a dentist and promote a healthy and active lifestyle. But teaching them this by associating fun with gouging out cavities? Really, that’s disgusting. Then again, I’m sure real dentists may feel the same way except that a mouthful of cavities may equal a trip to the Bahamas.

13. Barbie and Her Dog Tanner

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Perhaps it’s about time Mattel used Barbie to teach young girls how to care for your dog. However, as someone who lives in the country, I don’t think a pooper scooper is necessary in my neck of the woods. When a dog craps outside where I live, you just leave it where the plops where they lay. Still, since I played with Barbies as a kid, I bet I would’ve gotten one of these (since my Uncle Mike and Aunt Rosemary gave us a jellybean pooping reindeer one year, don’t ask.)

14. Roadkill Toys

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Really? Is this a joke? Sure stuffed animals may be a good gift for kids but a plush dead animal shouldn’t even be considered. Besides, I think these toys are more for adults since they can leave kids traumatized, especially very young ones.

15. Playskool in the Night Garden Goodnight Friend Upsy Daisy

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The product’s description says, “Her working daisy light gives off a gentle glow to encourage your little one to settle down for bed, too.” Of course, I’m not sure if she’ll do that or give your little one nightmares in the process since this monstrosity looks like she’s crawled from a demonic fever dream with her glow powered by the souls of unsuspecting children. And she’s supposed to be cute and cuddly? More like terrifying even by the Addams Family standards. Your kid may have one eye open if he or she is interested in self-preservation.

16. Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo Doll

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Basically a baby doll that constantly craps itself and brings your little girl all the disgusting parts about parenthood. I’m sure your daughter will enjoy having to change the baby doll’s diaper but please they may want to put lemonade and beef for more realistic effects (she probably won’t.) Still, I couldn’t imagine having a baby doll like this as a kid and think that a doll which urinates and defecates is more or less suited for boys than young girls. Also, when it comes to baby dolls, some things are just best left to the imagination.

17. Stuffed STD’s

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Look, just because it’s a plush toy, doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for children and these toys sort of show the reason why. For one, these toys make a terrible thing seem so cute and cuddly, well, not really. Second, they could potentially traumatize them into a lifelong virginity. I’m perfectly fine with educational toys but I don’t know in this context, which kind of makes me gag.

18. My First Tattoo Gun

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My sister has designed tattoos in the past and this might’ve come in handy if this was available when we were kids. Still, it’s pretty innocent compared to the real thing since the tattoos are easily removable with some hot soapy water. However, not many people are perfectly fine with little kids having a product like this especially since the tattoos are associated with rednecks, sailors, punks, and Neo-Nazis.

19. Doggy Doo

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This is a game about watching a dog crap which you’d have to clean up after. Really? A game to teach kids how to clean up after a dog? Of course, this may serve purpose in more populated areas with such ordinances whereas people where I live would just laugh and laugh because there no one ever cleans up after their dogs going outside. Just take the dog out, let it do its business, and leave. And on a walk, just give a dog a break and go on your way. You just let Mother Nature take care of disposal methods. Seriously, who comes up with these ideas?

20. Her First High Heels

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Really? Sure I like a cute baby in a pretty little dress but still, not high heels please. Seriously can you imagine trying to stand up in high heels? I may wear them but I’m an adult and making little babies wear high heel shoes is just one of the most irresponsible acts a parent could do. I mean who the hell put these on the market?

21. Playmobil Hazmat Figurine Playset

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Seriously, are the people at Playmobil are on drugs or something? I mean how can playset around cleaning hazardous waste be fun? It’s not fun, it’s awful since people have to wear hazmat suits. I mean the possibilities are endless here with letting kids imaging a nuclear meltdown, a toxic waste dump, a Superfund site, or pollution of hazardous chemicals. Please can’t we not have playsets relating to something like Chernobyl or Bhopal?

22. Shape-Shifter Punisher

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Of course, many comic book superheros have their own merchandise like action figures that sometimes transform into something else. There may not be anything objectionable about The Punisher other than his use of violence but this is an inappropriate character design that I don’t think boys should have. Apparently he’s not the only action figure who has this problem.

23. Shave the Baby Doll

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This one is from Japan but the designer must’ve been on some strong brown acid from Woodstock to come up with this. Really? First off, babies aren’t really that hairy. Second, the baby doll has hair in places like an adult person would have which is gross and more appropriate for Eddie Munster’s 3 year-old-sister if he ever had one. This freakish thing looks like the result of a female leprechaun mating with Bigfoot. Still, at least it’s a girl doll. Would more or less resemble a leprechaun Sasquatch if it were a boy. Yet, in this case, at least doll hair never grows back.

24. Remote Control Lederhosen

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Just what a kid needs, a pair of dancing and yodeling ghost pants controlled by a knockwurst bound to give any child nightmares. Really who the hell comes up with the idea? Or was this made for adults? Still, children are going to get freaked out on this. I’m kind of terrified of it now.

25. She-Male Dolls

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These are from Russia which have the male genitalia combined with the long flowing hair associated with females. Seriously, who the hell thinks of such ideas like this. I don’t think hermaphrodite baby dolls are what a little girl wants since they may make them feel a little confused about why their cute little blond doll has a schlong. Are they just doll versions of hair band musicians from the 1980s? Or are they just little boy dolls being raised as girls since their mother wanted a daughter so badly? Or are they just hermaphrodites? Man, this can go on for ages. Besides, anatomically correct dolls are never a good idea, especially on dolls that may be intersex hermaphrodites or just plain transvestites. Nevertheless, looks so creepy. Seriously, Russia, you have some serious issues.

In case I missed any:

From the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/12/worst-christmas-gifts-for-kids_n_1143639.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/02/worst-toys-for-girls_n_701063.html?ref=stupid-products#s133018title=Princess_Maid

From Student Beans.com: http://www.studentbeans.com/picture/look-at-his-lovely-little-moustache-aww-.html

From Heavy: http://www.heavy.com/comedy/2012/12/the-20-worst-kids-toys-ever/

The Definitive Holiday Gift Guide on What Not to Buy

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Now that Thanksgiving has come upon us, I now feel free to write my posts pertaining to the Christmas season and I have plenty of ideas. I will devote the first in my holiday series on Christmas gifts, in particular what not buy for your loved ones for Christmas. Of course, I must confess I am not a great gift giver. I’m not the most socially adept, hate shopping, and tend to be stingy with my money when it comes to others. Not to mention, I’m not sure how the gift card thing works either. Then again, I mostly shop for adults who are basically hard to buy for and aren’t really sure what they want anyway. Still, despite being a socially awkward cheapskate, I try my best to please or at least not make anyone upset with me. Still, I could do worse than some people and there are some things I know not to buy for my loved ones or for anyone else really. So here is a list of gifts I’d deem inappropriate, offensive, impractical, inexcusable, and sometimes downright Christmas gifts anyone could give someone. Don’t buy these for anybody if you dare.

1. Banana Bunker

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I could never think of a plastic container so useless, so much of waste of good plastic, or good money as this. Sure it’s made to protect your precious banana from turning into mush in your backpack, but could cost as much as like $10-$16 to protect something that costs about 25¢. Also, bananas already come in a protective casing called a peel which does rather nicely. And it’s not like you can use this for other products unlike tupperware containers which kind of does the same thing. Besides, it’s such a ridiculous product that Stephen Colbert devoted a segment of his show on one of these.

2. Mourning Stones

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I don’t think buying a bunch of mourning stones so the receiver can pay tribute to a dearly departed loved one’s gravestone and mark visitation, especially if made out of stone quartz. Besides, mourning stones aren’t very much into the festive spirit of the holidays. Also, not everyone uses mourning stones while visiting graves and if so, they usually use regular stones where you can find basically anywhere like your driveway, garden, the ground, or any other place you could think of. And they’re usually free.

3. Exotic Toad Skin Purse

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All right this one comes from Australia but it’s one you can customize whether to have the legs on or off. As to why anyone would want one, I don’t have the slightest idea. Still, these come from the skin from actual cane toads which makes me want to puke. Seriously, it’s one thing that people once made purse from alligator skin before it became those animals became endangered. And toads aren’t really the most attractive creatures and I don’t think any woman will buy one, let alone a guy who doesn’t use a purse. This concept is disgusting.

4. Lunar Legacy

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How would you like someone to give you this which someone gives your photo and a message of your choice to put on the Google Lunar X Prize space shuttle to deliver to the lunar surface among a community of other moon bound objects and photos? And this all at $10. Really? You can’t see it, read it, or touch it. I mean it’s just as bad as not getting anything. So even though you may feel more comfortable rocketing your emotions into a vacuum of space doesn’t mean you should. The receiver will not be happy, and if it’s your significant other, well, that relationship may be over.

5. Little Joseph Candle Holder

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Basically this is a porcelain baby head candle holder which costs $115. Seriously whoever came up with such an idea must’ve had something terribly wrong with him or her. Sure babies are cute but these holders don’t really inspire cuteness or warm feelings of joy. In fact, they’re not only creepy but incredibly terrifying like they’re lifeless vessels in some kind supernatural horror. Personally they kind of freak me out and may even give me nightmares. I mean would you want these in your house? Neither would I. To even buy these for yourself is crazy, let alone for somebody else.

6. The Face Bank

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Another gift sure to give anyone nightmares. This incredibly creepy and eyeless contraption vaguely resembling a face is said to “chew” your money when you insert it into its mouth slot. Just the though of doing this makes me want to cringe. I don’t want to put my money in that. Seriously, how did this thing ever get made? Please don’t buy this.

7. Belly Button Brush

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Seriously? How is this in anyway practical? Besides, how does anyone need this useless piece of crap? I mean does anyone have crap in their navels? If so, you can always use a shower. It does the job pretty nicely. I can’t find any purpose with this grooming product. Not to mention, the concept is kind of gross.

8. Civet Crap Choice Coffee

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Don’t get me wrong, coffee does make a great gift (since I’ve given my Uncle Frank coffee on many occasions). Coffee made from beans fermented from a civet’s digestive tract, well, it’s disgusting even if it does taste as good as on the label. And I don’t think it’s going to matter if it’s the rarest coffee in the world with only 500 kgs extracted per year. I mean these beans were pulled from shit. Perhaps this is the perfect way to tell someone to eat shit or drink it literally.

9. Chum Bucket Mints

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Of course, candy doesn’t make a bad gift either. However, candy that will give you a breath smelling of assorted fish parts? I think you’d want to pass. Seriously, you might want to go with Bertie Bott’s Every Flavored Jellybeans. At least they’re from Harry Potter.

10. Care4Less

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Any fan of Seinfeld would remember the episode when George made up his own charity to get away with buying a gift in the office. Of course, for those not clever as George, there’s a website called Care4less.org which allows you to select one of the site’s six fake charities, enter your name and e-mail as well as the recipient’s and the imaginary amount you’d want to send. The recipient will be notified of the donation made in their name through an e-mail. Among the imaginary charities you have Adopt-A-Banker, Make a Sandwich Foundation, Fathers 4 Mosquitoes, Costume a K9, Leprechaun Leprosy, Lost Geriatric Glasses Fund, Foreskin Restoration Society, and Organ Donation. Still, don’t try this, especially if the recipient is a Seinfeld fan like my mother.

11. Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

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Well, of course, there may be some gifts that are useful and it wouldn’t be terrible to get someone a shower gel dispenser. However, one shaped like a nose, well, I don’t think it’ll go with the decor or shows any good taste. Might be better to get this for yourself if you truly think it’s funny or part of a frat house. Otherwise, I think this is just plain gross and rather juvenile. I mean who wants to use shower gel stored in a giant nostril? Am I right?

12. Blood Bath Shower Curtain

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Well, let’s don’t even think about getting this because this is pretty disturbing. I mean your friend may be into horror films and may have his or her house look like a haunted mansion. However, blood stained shower curtains aren’t a good idea even in that respect. Besides, even if the recipient likes it and uses it, chances are that someone in the house guest is probably going to call the police if he or she uses the bathroom. Believe me, no good can come of this gift.

13. Old Man Purse

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Seriously, even if this doesn’t really resemble and old guy, this is pretty sick and twisted to even consider manufacturing. Seriously, no woman wants a head purse, let alone one resembling an old man. I don’t know why anyone would even buy one. Sick, sick, sick.

14. DVD Rewinder

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Of course, many people do like getting gadgets for Christmas as long as they work. However, I’m not sure if a DVD Rewinder is anything other than a waste of money. I mean, unlike VHS tapes, DVDs don’t need re-winded after you’re done playing with them. If you put them in the next time, they’ll just start at the beginning. Really shitty gift.

15. Fruitcake

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Of course, this is a well known bad Christmas gift nobody likes. My parents once had this with my Uncle Mike and Aunt Rosemary, and even they would wouldn’t eat it unless accompanied with booze. And I guess they woke up with serious hangovers the next morning. Seriously, it may look colorful and you might have baked it yourself, but no one in their right mind would eat it unless they’re drunk or starving.

Links in case I missed any:

From Marie Claire: http://www.marieclaire.com/fashion/trends/bad-holiday-gifts#slide-1

From Esquire: http://www.esquire.com/the-side/worst-gifts/

From Telegraph: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/christmas-picture-galleries/9745586/Worst-Christmas-gifts.html

From Gawker: http://gawker.com/5871383/these-are-the-years-worst-christmas-presents

From NY Daily News: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/bad-holiday-gifts-gallery-1.1220560

Words and Meaning Through Time

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If I ever offended any gays with this picture, I completely apologize since this is just a good picture for this post. Besides, it’s an old-timey advertisement for cigarettes (probably in Britain) and not meant to offend any one. The word “fag” as the short form of an offensive homophobic slur is a more recent development.

While I discussed how certain sayings don’t always translate well in different cultures, in this post I will devote to certain words and their acquired meanings through time particularly in English, especially those with certain unsavory NSFW connotations attached since many of them are fun to trace. Though many words have lasted for centuries, some of them could be considered offensive in one generation while totally harmless the next and vice versa. Misplaced context might incite in giggles, shock, or a “Huh?” followed by “Oh, okay.” Others may have certain dirty little etymologies. So without further adieu, let me show you the amusing little way words have changed meaning through time.

1. Gay- we all know that its present meaning refers to someone who’s of homosexual orientation but this definition dates to the 1930s and before then was only used in gay and theatrical subcultures, at one time it was described as “happy, carefree, joyful” but this was only dating to the late 1800s and was used only among New York criminals before that, it’s original meaning is actually prostitute (and yes, it was used in 1900 to describe a gay male prostitute but only briefly before it started meaning homosexuals in general.)

2. Queer- of course, this is now seen as a slur directed against gay people though it’s the “Q” in the LGBTQ community and perhaps used among themselves (like how blacks use the N-word). Before then, it meant “strange, odd.”

3. Idiot, Moron, Imbecile- these started as clinical terms to describe someone as dumber than Forrest Gump. As they fell into the general insult terms of today they were replaced by a kinder, gentler term: “retarded.”

4. Retarded- a former clinical term once used as a political correctness measure to describe someone who’s mentally handicapped, has nowadays evolved to the worst possible word to describe a person with this condition that it’s now almost considered hate speech.

5. Lesbian- before it became to mean a woman with a homosexual orientation  due to is association with the ancient Greek poet Sappho as well as her sexual behavior, it just meant “someone from Lesbos.” Actually anything associated with Sappho will be associated with lesbianism because she’s known more for that than her own poetry, sad to say.

6. Making Love- now a more discreet euphemism for sexual intercourse, this has meant everything romance and courtship to making out and PDA.

7. Faggot- once meant a bundle of sticks tied together and used for a fire before it became a homophobic slur. How it came to be a anti-gay slur, no one knows.

8. Weird- before it meant “sort of generally eccentric,” its original definitions were “scary” or “supernatural.”

9. Shag- once meant a tobacco product, now just means sex.

10. Boner- originally meant “embarrassing and/or major blunder” now it’s just something old guys get for four hours after taking Viagra.

11. Violent- at onetime this was defined as “overly emotional” yet we still associated with “blood, guts, killing, as well as psychological and bodily harm.”

12. Straight- though still means “totally linear” or “less funny guy in a comedy act” it also used to denote “law-abiding” and “clean,” now it means “heterosexual.”

13. High- though it still means “upward” it also used to mean “happy” before it obtained its current definition “in a drug influenced haze.”

14. Boob, Boobie- used to mean “dummy” before it took on it’s current definition of “breast” in the 1970s.

15. Hung- when used as an adjective, it used to be “hungover,” “executed through strangulation,” or “lynched.” Now it just means something sexual.

16. Glory Hole- once meant “a mineral rich trench pit.” Now it’s something else entirely.

17. Pleasure- has a lot of multiple meanings like “getting enjoyment out of doing something,” or “pleased.” Now it’s almost always used in a sexual context.

18. Ecstasy- used to mean “happiness” or “pleasure,” now refers to an illegal recreational drug.

19. Molest- once meant “disturb” or “bothered” now used as a term referring to unwanted sexual contact, particularly with a minor.

20. Fondle- used to refer to innocent or affectionate touching, now it pertains to touching in a sexual or erotic context.

21. Tranny- in British slang it was “transistor radio” while in American slang it was, “automobile transition.” Today it refers to either “transgender” or “transvestite.”

22. Fetish- back in the day it meant something like “totem object associated with a spirit.” Nowadays it refers to an erotic fixation to something that shouldn’t be.

23. Inter-Sexual, Bisexual- both used to mean “unisex,” now the former describes a “hermaphrodite” while the other just pertains someone who “goes both ways” in sexual orientation. (Bisexual has also meant “hermaphrodite” as well.)

24. Courtesan- once meant “courtier” or “court lady” now means “high class prostitute,” “mistress,” or “kept woman.”

25. Intercourse- used to mean “communication between individuals,” now refers to “copulation.”

26. Conversation- once meant “sexual intercourse or intimacy” now pertains to, “social communication involving two or more individuals.” Could also have meant “sexual harassment.”

27. Naughty- once meant “ill-behaved” but though it retains the meaning, it also refers to wayward sexual behavior.

28. Fanny- in more innocent times was a nickname for Frances. Now refers to “rear end” in the US and “female genitalia” in the UK and Australia.

29. Knock Up- at an earlier time it meant “to wake up” (by knocking on the door). Nowadays “to impregnate.”

30. Come Out- in olden days “to be considered an adult who frequents social gatherings” particularly to young women when it came to finding a husband. Now it means “to acknowledge one’s homosexuality to the world.”

31. Titillate- in the early days it might have meant “to tickle” but now means “to excite sexual arousal.”

32. Pussy- though originally used in reference to a cat, can also be used today in referring to either “cowardice” or “female genitalia.” (The latter part usage goes way back since there’s a 1930s song called “My Girl’s Pussy” and I don’t think the guy’s talking about a cat here.)

33. Ejaculate- originally meant “to exclaim or interject” now means something a guy does during sexual intercourse.

34. Abstinence- usually has retained it’s original meaning “to refrain from” but while it was originally used to give up alcohol it now pertains to refraining from sexual intercourse.

35. Cute- used to mean “shrewd and perceptive” but now means “adorable.”

36. Diddle- at one time it meant “to swindle” or “to waste time over trifling.” Can now be a vulgar term “To copulate.”

37. Ass- once meant “donkey” but can be used for “bum” or as a common insult.

38. Thong- originally pertained to strip of leather usually on the sandals, later came to designate a flip flop, and is now referred to as a sleazy and very uncomfortable type of underwear or swimsuit bottom. (Please don’t wear one.)

39. Dick- has always been a nickname for Richard as well as referred to “detective,” but has come to be a slang term for “penis” as well as a common insult term toward a guy.

40. Orgy- originally this described any kind of gross indulgence, but nowadays it mostly describes those of a sexual nature, especially when it refers to groups.

41. Prick- originally meant either “something sharp” or “getting hurt by something sharp” but now could be used in slang for “penis” as well as a common insult term toward a guy.

42. Making Whoopie- in the early 20th century this meant “living luxuriously” now means about the same as “making love” in the dirtiest context.

43. Hypochondria- this word’s meaning has changed dramatically over the years. Though nowadays it refers to unusually excessive concern for one’s health or tendency to fear or imagine having illnesses you don’t actually have but this usage dates back to Victorian times. In ancient Greece, this referred to describe the pain arising from a malarial infection on the liver and spleen. Centuries later its meaning changed to “depression.” And in the mid-20th century was used as a euphemism for other more serious mental illnesses like borderline personality disorder and hebephrenia.

44. Douche- derived from the French word for “shower” and has been described as a cleansing flood of liquid rushing into an orifice. Nowadays, well, it’s a liquid which a woman squirts to wash her privates (and that’s all I’ll say) as well as a common insult term. In usage could mean “an abrupt shock to nerves, emotions, or awareness.”

45. Dyke- originally derived from the Dutch term for “ditch” now means “lesbian.”

46. Yiffer- originally meant “a stout pole used in scaffolding” until the furries came along. (Don’t ask.)

47. Nuclear- used to mean just “central” like in a nucleus before the Atom Bomb, nuclear energy, nuclear weapons, or nuclear disasters.

48. Toilet- used to describe one’s dressing, cleaning, and grooming process. Nowadays it refers to the essential fixture used for relieving oneself which flushes to expel one’s bodily waste.

49. Hump- at one time meant “to exert oneself” or “move swiftly” now is just used as a sex euphemism referring to dog mating rituals. (If you’ve seen what some dogs do with one another, you’ll know what I mean.)

50. Slut- used to refer to a woman who’s “messy looking” now it’s a derogatory term for a sexually promiscuous woman.

51. Sexy- used to describe someone as “obsessed with sex” before it was used to denote someone as “sexually attractive.”

52. Rusty Trombone- while Oscar the Grouch actually meant an oxidized brass instrument, it can also refer to a sex act.

53. Spunk- though it nowadays means “courage, spirit, and determination” it used to be associated with lewd feminine behavior.

54. Fag- once used as a slang term for “cigarette.” Nowadays it’s short for the famous homophobic slur.

55. Vibrator- used to describe a couple of gadgets, one used in a barbershop to foam shaving cream, the other as a massage device to relax, cure headaches etc. Nowadays it’s a gadget that does something completely different.

56. Incontinent- in Shakespeare’s day meant “cease from sexual abstinence.” Now it’s defined as “losing control of one’s bowels.”

57. Butt- once meant “boat.” Nowadays means “rear end” or “end of a cigarette.”

58. Mistress- used to mean the boss’ wife, a female boss, or “Mrs.” in general. Nowadays it refers to the “other woman” in an adulterous tryst.

59. Aroused- used in the past tense to “arise.”  Now it’s just sexual excitement.

60. Condom- was once used as a short form for “condominium.” Now it’s referred to as a contraceptive.

61. Naz, Nazi- in Germany, this was a nickname for Ignaz (Ignatius), until the 1920s.

62. Jap- used to be a nickname for Jasper, but please don’t call anyone this nowadays especially a Japanese person or a Jewish woman. Still, it has a lot more definitions than that.

63. Negro- was once the only decent term to describe blacks until the late 1960s. Now it’s just either a racist or political incorrect term, with the possible exception in Latin America.

64. Spastic- originally it meant “frantic” or “manic” as it still does in the US. But in the UK it’s the equivalent of the R-word.

65. Sod- used to mean “clod of earth” but is now another British insult.

66. Nothing- though usually a harmless word meaning zero, in Shakespeare’s day it referred to a woman’s naughty bits or her virginity. (As in Much Ado About Nothing).

67. Nunnery- let’s just say that when Hamlet told Ophelia “Get thee to a nunnery” he may have meant a different kind of house full of women but not of piety and chastity kind. Also, with Anti-Catholic sentiment growing in England, “nunnery” became an euphemism for “brothel.”

68. Fishmonger- though it could mean “someone who sells fish,” it could also be referred to in Shakespeare’s time as a “pimp.”

69. Dude- though it just means “guy” from the 1960s, it’s older meanings ranged from “city slicker,” “fancy boy,” or “gay blade.” Definitely don’t want to call a guy from the 19th century that because it was considered an insult.

70. Hobby Horse- though it now refers to a child’s plaything, in 1700s, it could either mean “obsession” or “prostitute.”

71. Horns- though it could mean the protuberances of an antelope or reference of sexual arousal (like horny), it could be used as an Elizabethan reference pertaining to a guy getting cheated on signified by a bunny ears gesture.

72. Dork- though since the 1980s it’s a another term for “nerd,” before then it was a slang term for “penis.”

73. Schmuck- its original meaning is “fool” though it allegedly meant “penis.” Of course, it’s probably safe to say it means “dick” which can mean both. Still, you don’t want to call a Jew this.

74. Minion- though we associate with “henchman” it’s originally derived from the French “mignon” referring to certain attractive courtiers of the male specialty.

75. Gunsel- while we may associate it as “gun-wielding hoodlum” but before The Maltese Falcon, it referred to either a young boy kept for sexual purposes or a passive partner in anal intercourse. (And yes, I think one of The Maltese Falcon characters either has or is a gunsel in its original context.)

76. Punk- though it now means someone who’s either a juvenile delinquent, unfriendly homeless kid, or someone from the Punk Rock subculture in much of history it had many unsavory meanings. In Shakespeare’s time, it meant “prostitute, in the 1890s, it was slang to something similar to the original meaning of gunsel.

77. Orchid, Avacado, Testify- all these have a word origin which meant “testicle.” Now these are an exotic flower, a fruit used in guacamole, and to give legal testimony.

78. Funky- though most of us under fifty associate it with the Disco Era or something upbeat you can dance to, it was originally referred to the smell of a woman’s vagina.

79. Rape- though we’re more used to it referring to “sex with an unwilling partner,” there was once a broader context that meant “kidnapping” or “assault.” Could have also meant “kidnapping for sex,” or “marriage” in ancient times whether or not the actual sex was consensual afterwards (though it was probably questionable to say the least.) Also, Alexander Pope’s Rape of the Lock is about a girl getting an unwilling haircut, not actually being raped as we know it. (Seriously it is.)

80. Hooker- though today and for much of history has meant “prostitute” in the old studio wrestling days it meant to describe wrestlers of legitimate wrestling backgrounds so was used as a compliment.

Advertising Lost in Translation

Many time we don’t realize that we live in a world of globalized markets where products are sold all around the world. In some ways this is good for business. Yet, in other ways, it gets really hard to advertise, especially with the certain cultures and languages are involved, often with rather funny and disturbing results. An advertisement in one country will not always have the same effect in the other. And sometimes some slogans may be a country’s equivalent to something offensive or negative and won’t waste the time. So here’s a list of advertising gone lost in translation. (Viewer discretion is advised and it might not be safe for work.)

1. Any time there’s an advertisement with a before and after picture going left to right in the Middle East. Middle Easterners usually read from right to left so presenting an ad like this is telling them your product sucks or cause what it’s supposed to alleviate. Thus, it’s like diet pills and weight loss plans make you fat, medicine makes you sick, and cleaning products make everything dirty to someone in Saudi Arabia.

2. The origin of Exxon was a move to prevent this during a planned consolidation of the Enco and Esso brands of Standard Oil of New Jersey. It was originally going to be Enco until it was learned “enco” means “stalled car” in Japanese.

3. Any product containing the word “mist” and sold in Germany. In that country, it means manure. Interestingly, the word “mist” actually comes from the Old German word originally referring to the steam rising from a fresh pile of dung. Also, Clariol’s Mist Stick bears some similarity to the German “mistuck” meaning “bitch” or “piece of manure.”

4. The Japanese have a popular milky soft drink named Calpis (sounds similar to “cow piss”) and energy drinks named Pocari Sweat and its spin-off Pet Sweat.

5. The case with a port called Cockburn’s Dry Tang. Of course, this may have funny implications already in English. Yet, in Sweden “tang” is a term used for seaweed and as an obscure term for vagina. Also, didn’t help matters when it was changed to “Cockburn’s Dry Cock.” Also, the Cockburn name is said to be pronounced “co-burns” and is said to derive from an Old English personal name meaning “warrior with black sword.” Still, doesn’t help inciting shits and giggles though.

6. Any product with “vic” in it and sold in Germany where it sounds like “fick” meaning “fuck.”

7. Sega has two cases in Italy and Sweden. In Sweden it means to procrastinate, do something slowly, and tough when it comes to food. In Italy, it means “to masturbate.”

8. There is a Latin American bread brand named Bimbo after its mascot a bear. Of course, call any feminist a bimbo in America and you’d get a very different reaction.

9. There is a German vitamin-boosted hot chocolate mix named Scho-vit. It’s obvious why it’s not popular in English-speaking countries.

10. The Polish piano maker Calisa sells under a different name in Finland since it’s similar to the Finnish word for “long underpants.”

11. I wonder if the light bulb company Osram ever knew that their name meant “I will shit (on something)” in Polish.

12. There is a shaving cream in Norway called, “Barber Skum.” Kind of an insult to English-speaking barbers.

13. There is a Barf Detergent in Iran with “barf” meaning “snow” in Persian. Of course, in English it pertains to why someone might need detergent.

14. A literal translation of a men’s underwear brand in Taiwan means “little yellow pansy.”

15. There is a bus company named Fucker in Germany and one in Switzerland named FART (listed on a travel guide as “that’s the company name, not the means of propulsion.”)

16. There is a South African truck line named Tata, a slang for breasts in the US.

17. It’s always been hard to translate a brand name into an acceptable one in foreign countries, more difficult if it’s from a different writing system:

a. Some Coca Cola mistranslations in Chinese range from “bite the wax tadpole” to “bite the wax-fattened mare.”

b. A Pepsi slogan that said “Come alive! You’re the Pepsi Generation!” was allegedly mistranslated in Chinese as “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the dead!”

c. The Ben and Jerry flavor “Chunky Monkey” was mistranslated in Japanese as “Chunks of Monkey.”

18. Cars have a similar problem as well with names, especially marketing in Latin America:

a. Originally the Ford Cortina was going to be the Ford Caprino until the company learned that “caprino” means “goat-like” or “goaty” in Spanish. Though they didn’t know that “cortina” is Spanish for “curtain.”

b. Honda once introduced a model named “Fitta” until they learned it was crude term for female genitalia in Norwegian and Swedish. Was also going to be used with the slogan, “It looks small on the outside, but is huge once you get in.” Was renamed “Jazz” and “Fit” according to market.

c. Strangely the Buick Lacrosse was renamed the Buick Allure in Canada since “crosse” is Quebecois slang for “fraud, swindle, rip-off” as well as “to jerk off.” It was later restored to its original name and GM began offering replacement nameplates.

d. No one wanted to buy the Chevy Nova in Spanish speaking countries since “nova” means “doesn’t go.”

e. The Nissan Moco and Mazda Laputa could be seen in Spanish as the Nissan Snot and Mazda Whore.

f. The Mitshibishi Pajero was marketed the Montero or Shogun because “pajero” was Spanish slang for “wanker.”

g. The Toyota MR 2 failed to sell in France because it’s similar to “est merdeux” meaning “shitty.”

h. Chrysler did significant poorly when trying to sell in China because its company’s name was translated in Mandarin Chinese to “about to die.”

i. Bad marketing naming could be in English speaking countries as well. For instance, take the Nissan Cedric. “Cedric” was said to be an Australian slang term for homosexual. To which a Nissan exec said, “Australia has many homosexuals, therefore we shall sell many cars!”

19. While KFC’s slogans are “We do chicken right” and “Finger-Lickin’ Good” is translated to Chinese “It’s right that we become prostitutes” and “Eat Your Fingers Off.”

20. There is a major canned vegetable company named Sodd in Norway. Of course, it’s an archaic word for soup.

21. Taco once sold the chili cheese burrito as the “Chilito” until they learned it was Hispanic slang for “small penis.”

22. Though Sharwoods Bundh is a curry sauce, “bundh” is Punjabi slang for “backside.”

23. Though we know it as the appliance company BEKO, it’s actually named Arcelick in its native Turkey.

24. While Pixar may seem a clean name in English, in Catalan it means, “to urinate.”

25. The location bookmarking app Rego got publicity in Brazil after it was found, “rego” means “drain” or “gutter” in Portuguese.

26. The Perdue Farms’ slogan “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” was once said to be translated in Mexico as “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.” And it may not be a mistranslation.

27. IKEA has plenty of these since they don’t relabel their products for foreign markets, no matter how stupid they sound in local languages. A few examples:

a. While Gutvick is a town in Sweden and a decent name to brand a bunk bed, in German it bears similarity to “guter fick” meaning “good fuck.”

b. While “Frak” is a mirror brand, in the US it is a  name for a set of mirrors in Battlestar Galactica as well as used as a verb describing as a gas and oil extraction process and short for “hydraulic fracturing,” “hydro-fracking,” or “fracking.” (Contrary to what oil and gas companies say, hydraulic fracturing has never been proven as a clean technology. Rather, it’s a controversial practice getting a lot of opposition from environmentalists and scientists alike.)

c. People in Finland were angry when IKEA named a toilet brush “Viren” also happening to be the last name of a legendary Finnish runner. Not to mention, it means viruses in German.

d. While “Kimme” may be a name of an IKEA chair, it also means “ass crack” in German.

e. While in Sweden “Jerker” may be a male name, “Farfull” means “speedy,” and “Lessebo” is a name of a town, all these sound funny in English.

f. Though “Sarna” is a name for an IKEA chair, it means “scabies” in Spanish.

g. Though “Hoven” may be a Swedish town and a perfectly fine name for a carpet, in Czech it’s the plural genitive form of the word meaning “shit.”

h. In IKEA “Trampa” is a doormat while it means “crap” in Portuguese and “trap” in Spanish.

28. Marketers of Colegate ran into problems when initially advertising in Latin America as “colgate” translates to “hang yourself” in voseante varieties in Spanish.

29. The slogan for vacuum company Electrolux “Nothing sucks like Electrolux” with very negative connotation in the US.

3o. The logo of German ball bearings company reads FAG.

31. There was once a security firm named Wackenut, named after its founder.

32. In Iceland there is an apartment company named “Fagmenn” (professionals), and there are advertising signs saying “Krap” (promoting slushies).

33. A Korean games company once launched a dictionary video game named “Touch Dic.”

34. There was once London nightclub named “Huje” which means “dicks” in Polish. (And it wasn’t one of those places.)

35. There was once a German auto-parts company named KKK that shares initials with the American racist hate group and a Philippine revolutionary group.

36. A proposed tourism slogan in Ireland was “Come for the Craic.” (And yes, it’s pronounced like crack which is Irish slang for fun but wouldn’t go well with Americans if you’ve seen The Wire or Canadians if you’ve seen Rob Ford.)

37. It’s said there’s a Spanish business named “Servicio de Hosteleria Industrial de Terrassa” (Terrassa’s Industrial Catering Service) which uses the acronym S.H.I.T. in its sign.

38. The animation studio, “Studio Khara” was named after the Greek words for “happiness” and “joy.” It also means “shit” in Arabic.

39. There was an Irish pub in Australia called Pug Mahones which is Irish Gaelic for “Kiss my arse.”

40. An Australian tourist ad saying “Where the bloody hell are you?” was banned in Britain and the US.

The Cinematic Guide to Animal Husbandry

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Of course, everyone loves animals and they are frequently depicted in movies, particularly family films. However, if you’re thinking about getting a pet, don’t use the cinema as your guide. Sometimes you may see a movie in which animals get treated in ways that would be improper in real life, Or else would mean resulting in trips to the vet, arrests in animal abuse, or the sad untimely death of Scruffy. Common examples include feeding an animal something it shouldn’t eat, keeping it in improper conditions, or handling it in a way that would cause it great distress or even damage.  This doesn’t include examples on animal mistreatment shown on purpose. With that I list how to take care of animals, according to the movies.

1. The proper way to take care of goldfish is in a goldfish bowl. (Actually, they don’t live very long in goldfish bowls. You’re better off having it live in an aquarium or an artificial pond like deep water for swimming, lights to bask under, and some form of filtration. Same goes for turtles and other aquatic species.)

2. It’s all right to pick up to pick up an animal by it’s tail. (In regards to most animals, don’t ever do this. Tails are used for balance and aren’t strong enough safely hold an animal’s weight and can cause horrifying damage to its spine. And if it’s a cat or a dog, you might want to run because they hate it. As for lizards, you might not get a hold of it for long since it has a detachable tail. The only exception to this is a mouse but only at the tail’s base.)

3. Pulling a rabbit by the ears or the scruff of its neck won’t bring it any pain. (Oh, yes, it would and may cause the rabbit to squirm or panic. And an animal panicking is never a good thing. Besides, magicians hold up rabbits by the ears because it’s painful.)

4. It’s best to buy two hamsters and have it’s habitat with elaborate chambers so they could exercise and have a buddy. (Of course, there’s the Syrian hamster who’s a loner by nature. Pair two of them of the same sex and one will eventually kill the other. A male-female pair might work but chances are it would lead to the female continuously breeding until she dies of exhaustion. Oh, and this might lead to a “Trouble with Tribbles” meets Lord of the Flies situation as far as offspring are concerned. As with elaborate hamster habitats, you’re better off with a cage since they’re a pain to clean. A single hamster will only choose two or three places for its sleeping place and larder. The rest, it will visit and use as latrines.)

5. Feeding milk to adult mammals won’t bring any harm. (Humans are the only adult mammals capable of digesting milk since it’s the only species to possess a lactose tolerant mutation. Also, this mutation is only restricted to peoples who’ve had domestic cattle longer than recorded history {mostly in Europe and parts of Africa and Asia.} Most mammals lose their ability to digest lactose after weaning and will develop digestive problems if they have too much. With animals like cats, dogs, mice, and rats, it’s best to water it down before giving it to them depending on the breed or species. Yet, it’s not 100% effective. Otherwise they could experience an upset stomach, gas, diarrhea, and vomiting. Also, yogurt, goat’s milk, cheese, and cream are less harmful to cats.)

6. It’s all right to keep a piranha tank without a lid since it won’t jump out of a tank. (When kept as pets, they are notorious for jumping out of the to their deaths. Of course, villains want their enemies to suffer.)

7. Live insects are recommended for iguanas since they’re lizards. Most lizards eat bugs. (Unlike most lizards, iguanas are herbivores so you’re better off giving it leafy greens than insects.)

8. You won’t hurt an animal giving it chocolate. (Don’t ever feed your pet chocolate! This is especially true in dogs and cats {but cats just won’t be interested since they can’t taste sugar}. Humans metabolize theobromine much more quickly and efficiently than most animals. And for most animals, it’s very toxic and potentially fatal, especially dark chocolate. Still, don’t get alarmed if Fido gets a hold of a chocolate chip cookie. It’s the baking bars you have to worry about.)

9. A cat won’t attack you if you hold it from the scruff of its neck. (As long as you support its hind legs at the same time and know what you’re doing. Doing so may upset a cat or even strangle it which may result in it injuring itself or scratches on your face.)

10. Multiple species of fish will survive harmoniously in the same aquarium. (My Uncle Kirk does this but he’s owned fish for years and knows what fish would play well with which. This may be fine with some species, but many don’t thrive well with others. Some are too aggressive to be kept with other species, others don’t have the same tank requirements. Some may be prey for other fish. Many standard-size tanks in movies contain multiple species existing harmoniously that would more likely kill one another in real life. Still, do your research.)

11. Always feed your fish standard fish food once a day. (It’s recommended to feed your fish at least 2-3 small meals daily. Still, there are many pet fish that require a specialized diet especially if their species exist in the wild. You might want to stick to goldfish for they take pellets and don’t require much taking care of {one I brought home from school lived for 4 years.})

12. No harm can come to a pufferfish puffing up since it does this to frighten predators in the wild. (True puffers do this in the wild for scaring predators, but puffing up causes severe stress to the animal and could shorten its lifespan. Also, can seriously injure itself or die doing this.)

13. Since snakes are deaf, it’s okay to be a loud around them. (Snakes can hear just not like most animals do {through their jaws}, and loud noises can cause severe stress in them so heavy metal fans shouldn’t own one.)

14. A frog slipping out a person’s hand will land safely to the ground. (Some frogs can safely land on the ground from a certain distance. However, what you’d most likely hear if drops a frog is a loud SPLAT! followed by an unstoppable cry by a traumatized small child if one’s around. As for the visual, let’s say if you felt like passing out after having to dissect a frog in high school, you don’t want to know.)

15. Always feed your snake live food. (While snakes do swallow their food live in the wild, it’s debatable whether this is humane. However, it’s generally recommended pet snakes should be fed frozen food to the benefit of both animal and owner. Feeding live food is considered dangerous to both snake and owner. On the snake’s, the live prey will still struggle to escape and can cause injury to the animal. For the owners, feeding live food can trigger the snake’s hunting instincts making it more aggressive an more likely to bite. And if the snake is venomous, chances are, you’ll be in the ER and don’t expect the anti-venom to completely restore you, which I talked about in another post. Not to mention, your pet venomous snake can kill you if presented with live food so you should probably stick to frozen there.)

16. A bloated snake is a happy snake. (This is a serious health concern which might require immediate veterinary attention. Feeding a snake too much at one time could rupture its stomach. Snakes can die from overeating. A biweekly frozen rat is plenty.)

17. You can make a carnivorous pet turn vegan or vegetarian. (This can only be pulled off on dogs and only with special supplements and close monitoring. This shouldn’t be tried with a help of a vet. Attempting this obligate carnivores that need proteins found in flesh to survive like cats and ferrets will all ensure the animal’s death by starvation, even if it eats the food. In this case, trying to get an obligate carnivorous pet to go vegan or vegetarian is animal cruelty, which will never be shown on the Sarah MacLachlan ASPCA commercials. Still, if you’re a veggie who thinks meat is murder even if it’s by housepets that are natural predators, just stick to herbivorous pets. Simple as that. At least with them, you don’t have worry about them going vegan.)

18. Tapping aquarium glass won’t hurt the fish. (Oh, yes it can! Don’t ever do this! You can easily make Sparky and Flounder eligible for a flushing sendoff this way. Sound travels faster through water and glass so while a small glass tap may not be much noise to us, it would certainly be like a sonic boom to them.)

19. Allowing a bird to eat out of your mouth won’t hurt it. (Human saliva is extremely toxic to birds. Besides, you might get pecked in return. Also, this is disgusting.)

20. Cats can survive a large dosage of sleeping pills. (This could kill people, let alone a cat.)

21. Always feed your rabbits lettuce an carrots. (A diet consisting only of these two foods could kill rabbits. Not to mention, lettuce contains a substance highly toxic to rabbits which makes feeding the vegetable like giving a person arsenic. You may want to use both in small quantities. They mostly eat hay and grass. Iceberg lettuce is not good for guinea pigs while romaine is fine while it’s considered junk food to tortoises.)

22. Always bait a mouse trap with cheese. (You’re better off baiting a mouse trap with something a mouse normally eats like grains or nuts. Cheese is too soft for them and will only eat it if starving to death. And by then, your grain supplies would already be depleted for a long time. Best to use peanut butter instead. Yet, rats are a different story when it comes to cheese and cats basically adore it.)

23. It’s perfectly fine to let goats eat garbage ranging from paper, tin cans, and other metal. (Goats may chew on a tin can but will not actually eat it. They may eat paper labels though since it’s mostly organic. Still, this was based on a misinterpetation. Anyone who’s worked with goats will tell you this is bullshit. Not to mention, the Army and a lot of landscaping businesses use goats for lawn maintenance.)

24. You can tame most wild animals and keep them as pets. (Well, only if you’ve raised them as babies. And if successful, they will only be docile around people they know. Still, except for people who work with animals, no one should ever try doing this. Those who try to tame wild animals, may end up getting attacked or possibly killed. Also, expensive to raise, takes a lot of time to housebreak, and isn’t really good for the animal. Sure a pet lion may be cool but not worth the effort.)

25. You can keep a stray wolf-dog hybrid as a house pet. (First generation wolfdogs are notoriously unpredictable and aggressive even with feral dogs. I mean there’s a legitimate reason why Balto didn’t have much socialization with dogs and humans in the first place. As a side note, the real Balto was a trained Husky {maybe even a Malamute} so the movie lied to us.)

26. You can treat any animal like a dog. (No you can’t. Horses are especially seen being treated like this in movies being taught to sit, stay, and everything.)

27. You can make friends with animals by feeding them. (Why the hell do I see signs that say Do Not Feed the Animals? I mean they have these signs for a reason! Besides, feeding them may make things worse for you or your family.)

28. Feral dogs can be trusted around small children. (For God’s sake stray dogs should never be around little kids regardless of breed. Unsocialized dogs are quite dangerous, though easier to tame than never domesticated species as long as you know what you’re doing. Remember, “the dingo ate my baby.”)

29. If you see a wild animal in distress, it’s best to help them since they will repay you. (Depends on the circumstance and on the animal. Also, depends on your expertise with animals. If you’re a park ranger, zookeeper, or vet, then be my guest. If you don’t know whether you should, just leave it be. A wounded animal can be just as hostile as a healthy one. If it’s frothing at the mouth, just don’t go there since it may mean rabies. Still, be aware results may vary.)

3o. You can get woodland creatures to be your servants and do your chores. (Sorry, Disney, but wild animals don’t work that way and are more likely to make a mess indoors.)

Thoughts of Black Friday and Its Business Practices

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One of the things I detest about the holidays is how stores turn a once sacred holiday celebrating the birth of Christ into the biggest excuse for excessive consumerism and profit. Already I’m seeing Christmas commercials on TV and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet. And by this time, the only Christmas things I want to see are light up nights and school band kids practicing for Christmas concerts and parades. Also, bands practicing Christmas music in general. At least bands have a legitimate excuse to play Christmas music at this time of year. Still, once Thanksgiving rolls around, the Christmas Commercial Armageddon will be upon us and all hell will break lose.

Now in America, the Christmas season officially kicks off the Friday after Thanksgiving called Black Friday. Black Friday is said to be one of the biggest shopping days in the United States during the year and a business day when it’s all or nothing. A business not making a profit on Black Friday is one that won’t last much longer. Many Americans do their Christmas shopping on this day as well as trying to look for the best bargains for the latest gifts. And sometimes things can get pretty crazy with each store becoming as chaotic as a battle zone with every man for himself. I’m starting to wonder whether any Black Friday shoppers are among the craziest or most materialistic. I’m not trying to stereotype here since I guess every Black Friday shopper has their reasons for Christmas shopping on that day. I understand if some just want to get their shopping out of the way or can’t do it at any other time during the season. I understand those shopping on Black Friday for some last minute preparations for their family hunting trip during the weekend since deer hunting season starts that Monday in Pennsylvania. And growing up in Pennsylvania at least the start of deer hunting season gave me a day off from school. Yet, at least these people are planning to spend time with their family, even if it’s shooting Bambi. Of course, these two groups of Black Friday shoppers I have no problem with since they are pretty sane and have legitimate reasons.

Then you got your third type of Black Friday shopper who spends Thanksgiving night camping out in the parking lot of the mall or a big box store and scrambling into the place as soon as it opens at the crack of dawn. Now I may think camping in a store parking lot may be all right on a night the next Harry Potter book comes out. I’m not sure about spending Thanksgiving night in a tent at Wal Mart parking lot. I mean aren’t there plenty of other things to do on Thanksgiving night like spending time with your family. Is getting your kid the latest Xbox worth spending a cold dark night on the icy pavement? To me, lining up at 4 a.m. to shop to me seems ridiculous. To me, shopping is something you do to function or survive in a society. It’s not always fun and certainly not worth camping out at the crack of dawn for. Yet, for this group of people, shopping is a sport and Black Friday is their Super Bowl. They love the crowds, loud music, garish displays, and competitive atmosphere, all of which such shoppers see as a heaven. For me, this atmosphere is a personal hell hole since it consists of everything I hate about the holidays and why I avoid shopping on Black Friday like the plague. I can’t stand jammed packed stores filled with frenzied nuts shopping for the best deals and having fists fights break out over certain products. If I was working that day, I’d be thinking: Oh, God, please get me out of this nightmare! I can’t imagine how any retail employees ever manage to function normally with such unruly mobs creating a mess of things in their stores. Must drive anyone insane.

Of course, there have been reports of Black Friday shoppers doing strange things they wouldn’t normally do on other shopping days. There have been instances of violence in recent years ranging from unruly crowds stampeding employees, assault, shooting, stabbing, carrying weapons, and such. There have even been instances when people were killed, arrested, and rushed to the hospital. Sometimes police were called since employees couldn’t handle such ruckus. And for what? Over an Xbox? Parking Space? Seriously, I wonder how Christmas shopping can ever come to this. Maybe such shopping day simulates a customer’s insatiable desire to consume can bring out shopping rage turning your neighborhood Wal Mart into a scene from movies like Apocalypse Now, All Quiet on the Western Front, and Saving Private Ryan. Well, maybe not to that degree but pretty close. It’s said that dozens of people are injured each year by crazed crowds too eager for popular items. These range from bruises, sprained ankles, broken bones, and concussions. A good deal in a crowded store can turn the place into a mob scene with shoppers breaking into fights.

You think that retail giants would try to put a stop to this incendiary behavior but I’m so sure if you look at their business practices. And from what I see, these stores seem to encourage it since it causes such shoppers to overspend on cheap plastic crap made in China. Oh, I mean the cheaper plastic crap made in China. Retail giants have designed Black Friday in ways to put a shopper’s rational thinking out the window. Because when reason is out the window, people have a tendency to overspend and buy any kind of crap just because of a lower price tag. And if supplies are low, then customer turnout all the better. And even though Black Friday sales have been on the decline, retail giants continue to encourage such madness since it gives them publicity. Now many big stores are following Wal Mart’s suit and starting their big opening Christmas sale on Thanksgiving night. For me, such action gives me two questions. For one, who the hell shops on Thanksgiving night? And, seriously, is this all Thanksgiving is coming to? Besides, I don’t think retail workers would want to work on Thanksgiving, especially if they’ve been preparing the dinner. I mean they’re the ones losing family time to the unquenchable thirst of greed and consumer goods. And for many, Thanksgiving is one of the few days when they can sit back and relax since some retail employees work on weekends and not at good wages (except at Costco). Sure the Christmas season may be shorter than usual but sometimes I think the holiday rush seems to come earlier year after year with Christmas ads airing as early as September, which is way too soon. As far as I’m concerned, I think businesses need to clamp down on their holiday enterprising and put less emphasis on the rampant consumerism aspect. Instead, perhaps we need to see the holidays as a way of getting together with loved ones or just relax. Besides, everyone needs a holiday and you get better bargains in mid-December anyway.

The Cinematic Guide to Law

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Ah, the law, what would we be without it? Of course, the rule of law has the power to either put criminals in or let them go free. May not always be fair but tries to be. Now I’ve never been in a courtroom (though I’ve been in the Pennsylvania State House for a quiz bowl tournament), nor served on a jury. It may not always work out in the way we want it to but it always tries to be fair even if those working in it don’t seem to be so. Still, it is a very tricky subject since laws are different from certain jurisdictions. Yet, we should all know it doesn’t work like it does in Hollywood movies. And I’ve seen plenty of movies based in a courtroom and pertaining to crime since law and crime both go together. So before you can raise any objections, Allow me to list the inconsistencies (for this, I’m going to use US Law unless otherwise):

1. Almost every legal system and court procedure is basically similar in every developed country. (In Hollywood, being in a courtroom in a foreign country is like attending Catholic Mass. Sure there may be some small differences like a powdered wig and different language, but is mostly conducted in the same formula like in a Catholic Mass. Of course, in the legal arena, most movie court procedures and legal systems in developed nations work in the same way as they do in the United States. Actually, this is really not the case. For instance, you don’t have the right to remain silent in England, you don’t have a right to be tried by a jury in the UK, and you didn’t have the right to be legally represented during questioning in France before 2011. Also, British judges don’t use gavels, German attorneys don’t say “Objection!”, and very few countries outside the US use plea bargaining.)

2. Litigations usually take days and most of it happens in court. (Real litigation takes months and almost none of it happens in court. In fact, it’s preferable if most legal disputes are settled out of court and most guilty parties take a plea bargain. Court proceedings are best to be avoided because it costs money and used as a last resort.)

3. Bail is an easy way to skip a future trial and possible sentencing. (Hollywood tends to treat bail as a Get Out of Jail Fee option. It’s actually not quite the case. When an accused is released on bail, he or she is making a promise to show up for trial and won’t go to jail unless convicted. Those who can’t pay bail will remain in prison until trial. Those demonstrated as likely to flee the court are denied bail and will stay in prison until trial.)

4. All prisoners are convicted criminals. (Well, we may think that way, but it’s not exactly the case. Of course, all prisoners are in there on something related to a crime but not all are convicted for it. Sure many prisoners were convicted of crimes but many prisoners in the United States basically plead guilty and took a plea bargain sentence.Then there are some prisoners who are in jail just for being accused of a crime and are waiting for their case to be tried, which could take years. Of course, this group of prisoners weren’t released on bail simply because they couldn’t make it or it was denied. Then there are kids in juvenile detention who are in there because they were wards of the state and had no other place to go.)

5. Criminal proceedings start almost immediately after the suspect’s arrest. (Actually, other than bail and plea bargaining, most criminal proceedings don’t usually start until months after the arrest, sometimes years.People have spent years in jail awaiting trial.)

6. In murder investigations usually have a chalk outline of the victim’s body at a crime scene. (Sorry, Jerry Seinfeld, but chalk outline guy doesn’t exist. Using chalk could contaminate the area, making the investigation much more difficult. And investigators want as little contamination as possible. Besides, there are photographers who take pictures of the crime scene before the body is carried to the coroner’s office.)

7. Most lawyers work in both civil and criminal cases, with latter doing both prosecution and defense. (Actually there are many lawyers that do like Johnny Cochrane but most small towns have at least one lawyer who does one and/or the other but usually at small stakes like what Atticus Finch does. Yet, if such cases involve serious crimes or large sums of money, they usually go to someone who specializes in that area. And most US jurisdictions usually have prosecutors working for the state.)

8. The accused has a right to one phone call upon arrest to anyone at all. (If you are arrested and are guaranteed access to legal counsel, any outside communication is a privilege that can be witheld or given. However, most police officers allow suspects make as many phone calls as they like to whoever they please since such conversations can be recorded as evidence.)

9. Police can do a strip or deep cavity search on anyone. (These procedures are only reserved for people with reasonable suspicion of smuggling either drugs or weapons and are limited to such.)

10. Old people can be involuntarily committed to a retirement home for whacking a guy over the head with a cane who was struggling with him over his mailbox. (For one, involuntary commitment to a retirement home is something only a person’s next of kin can do. Since Carl from Up has no next to kin to speak of, he probably wouldn’t be sent to a retirement home unless if it was by his own accord. In fact, this would more likely happen to Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino since he has two sons and four grandchildren. Could be prosecuted or sued for assault but probably wouldn’t be. Second, tampering with a mailbox is a federal crime.)

11. When wrongfully accused or convicted of a crime, it’s okay to go on the lam until you’re exonerated. Even though you may commit other crimes along the way, all will be forgiven. (You should never go on the lam if wrongfully accused of a crime. No should you go around committing other crimes prior to exoneration either because they may come back to bite you. Also, Harrison Ford could’ve just gotten a better defense attorney and should’ve least gotten off on his wife’s phone call alone which pretty much exonerates him from the crime.)

12. You won’t be charged with killing someone if you were falsely convicted for his or her murder before. (Actually killing that person will result in getting your previous conviction reversed and then eligible for prosecution on a new murder charge. So, Ashley Judd, hunting your husband down in another city and killing him there isn’t really a good idea, especially if you’re on parole. Also, it doesn’t help if you commit burglary, theft, destruction of property, escape from custody, assault on a law enforcement officer, unlicensed possession of a firearm, transporting an unlicensed weapon across state lines, and assault with intent to kill. Man, you should’ve sought your husband out with his picture and a camera just to prove that he’s still alive. Yet, you ended up screwing your chances.)

13. It is easy to convict an innocent person and might have to serve a harsh sentence even if it’s for a legitimate but otherwise minor offense. (Sure innocent people do get wrongfully convicted but not at the frequency in Hollywood movies. And even if an innocent person is convicted on some minor offense, he or she will not serve a harsh sentence.  If there’s an incident where there is a massive railroading of innocent people in the legal system, then the authorities will start getting suspicious of judicial corruption akin to the “Cash for Kids” scandal. Racism can also play a factor.)

14. A ruthless criminal can be released on a meaningless bureaucratic procedure slip up despite being proven absolutely guilty of the heinous crime in question. (Well, not as often as many would think. A ruthless criminal will not get off on a “technicality” which will typically be overruled as a harmless error anyway like a spelling mistake. Yet, it is possible for a criminal to be let off on “loopholes” regarding serious policy concerns such as sloppy police work, vague legal definitions, or serious rights violations by police and prosecutors. Then there are some exceptions such as the “good faith exception” {police believing they were operating legally despite illegally obtaining evidence}, independent source {police discovered the same evidence through other legal means}, or inevitable discovery {police would’ve found the evidence legally anyway so it’s left in}. So a ruthless serial killer would be less likely to escape justice in real life than Hollywood would suggest. As for white collar criminals, well, they’ll probably get off due to having money for a good lawyer.)

15. Witnesses are called from the courtroom audience to the stand. (Witnesses aren’t permitted to attend the trial or even talk to other witnesses about the case before they testify. Witnesses can only sit in for the rest of the trial after they finish their testimony and it’s agreed they will not be called back. Calling a prosecutor to the stand is possible if a judge allows it but is almost never done.)

16. You can walk out of the courtroom free if your insanity defense works. (Unless it’s temporary insanity, you’ll probably walk out of court accompanied by a couple of burly orderlies of a mental institution. Whether you walk out free is at the discretion of a psychologist or psychiatrist. Only used less than 1% of all criminal case in the US and successful 25% of the time more or less. Also, in 20 states and under US Federal law getting off on insanity may mean prison time if “cured” of mental illness. And those who get off on insanity your time in a mental institution may be longer (like twice as long) than your normal sentence would be nor is it more comfortable or safer than prison. Those deemed criminally insane will be separated from everyone else, and no, they aren’t easier to break out of. So unless you’re facing the death penalty in a murder case, it’s not worth it. Now I can see why so many mentally ill people wind up in prison.)

17. Not having a motive proves your innocence and no longer makes you a suspect. (Only lawyers and jurors care about motive since it may have importance in sentencing or at if the crime was done in intent or by accident. However, to criminal investigators, motive is of minimal importance.)

18. Wrongful conviction can get you out of jail as long as you’re looking for the people who successfully framed you. (You’d be in jail and besides motives aren’t very relevant in the legal system. At best, you’d probably be serving a lesser sentence of involuntary manslaughter if convicted for murder.)

19. The reading of the will always happens after the funeral. (That usually doesn’t happen. Rather, the executor, spouse, or next of kin usually calls the deceased’s lawyer to see about the will. The lawyer and executor meet and take the will through probate court. Unless you’re a beneficiary wanting to see it, the lawyer, or the executor, you’ll probably never see it. As a beneficiary, you might receive a check, be told it’s your inheritance, and sign a receipt. Also, the will doesn’t really mean a great deal as the probate does. And if a will’s contested, it’ll probably be ignored so don’t hesitate to kill anyone over it even if you’re disinherited for “reasons you’re aware of.”)

20. You’ll be read your Miranda Rights when you’re arrested. (Actually, they can be read between the time you’re arrested and the time you’re interrogated, depending on crime or jurisdiction. Not to mention, it doesn’t get you out of providing a DNA sample.)

21. If a wrongly accused defendant is on trial, it’s very likely a witness may have actually done the crime. (Only a slim percentage of felonies make it to trial and the pre-trial process takes years. Also, if a witness actually did the crime, it’s exceptionally rare in a trail case and would’ve been found out by investigators long before the case ever made it to trial in the first place. Not to mention, the defense doesn’t really need to find the “real culprit” to win, just establish reasonable doubt. Still, criminal accomplices frequently turn on each other for reduced sentencing so they can testify against the defendant.)

22. Only a guilty person will ask for an attorney or call for his or her own. (You are always entitled to legal counsel regardless of whether you committed the crime and wanting a lawyer doesn’t make you guilty by default. Any sane person accused of a crime would do this.)

23. Acceptable courtroom behavior for lawyers: badgering witnesses, accusing witnesses, asking questions regardless whether the previous ones are answered, make inflammatory assumptions facts aren’t in evidence, introducing conspiracy theories, bullying a witness into confession, turning a courtroom into a circus, enter a plea change without the client’s consent, and other courtroom antics. (Many of these can put a lawyer in contempt of court, removal from case, or possibly disbarred. Also, may cause the judge to declare a mistrial. Not to mention, judges usually have different levels of tolerance so any smart lawyer would know what he or she could get away with when it comes to a particular judge.)

24. Accepted behavior for criminal investigators: using enhanced interrogation methods on suspects, destroying property to obtain information, badgering and verbally abusing suspects, psychologically manipulating suspects into confession, assuming a suspect’s guilt without a concrete reason, denying medical attention and legal counsel to suspects, and other things. (These are reasons why the law is used to protect criminals. Also, many of these are technically illegal and can result in a cop being kicked off the force.)

25. Evidence or testimony exonerating or condemning the defendant can be introduced to the trial at the last minute. (This can happen but rarely does. Still, both sides must make available all evidence they tend to use before the trial {except in the case of the defense which is actively barred from sharing possibly incriminating evidence}. Still, all witnesses and evidence must be approved by the court before used. In civil suits, both sides must turn over properly requested evidence without exception.)

26. It’s all right for a jury or judge to exonerate a defendant if accused of breaking a law that sucks or is just plain unfair or unjust. (Jury nullification is perjury which jurors have sworn against. They are sworn to reach a verdict according to existing laws. Not to mention, this undermines the separation of powers since judging the laws is the legislature or Congress’s job. Not that they’re good at it anyway these days.)

27. You can sue a firearms manufacturer for criminal misuse of their products. (Thanks to Congress, this isn’t currently possible. Still, doesn’t mean it should. But then again using guns to kill is kind of the point.)

28. Mistreatment of a suspect results in automatic acquittal, regardless of undeniable evidence. (It doesn’t. Coerced confessions are just excluded from evidence but the suspect can still be tried on what’s admissible.)

29. Income tax evasion is a state crime. (It’s a federal crime. Anyone who’s taken a social studies course would know that.)

30. Polygraph testimony can be used as admissible evidence. (It can’t, because people have passed polygraph tests despite lying while others failed despite telling the truth. In short, it’s not reliable.)

31. Police interrogations last as long as a therapy session. (They can last for hours or days and aren’t really that exciting since they involve a boring question and answer session in an attempt to wear the suspect down. Aggressive tactics are rarely used.)

32. Good defense lawyers only defend innocent clients. (They also defend guilty ones, too. Part of the job. Prosecutors go after any defendant regardless of guilt or innocence because that’s the job description.)

33. A member of a jury can conduct his or her own investigation and bringing a weapon into the jury room. (These are examples of serious juror misconduct. Juror #8 should’ve been replaced and charged.)

34. Only white men served on a US jury between 1920 and 1970. (Only in some parts of the country like in the South. Still, there are more diverse juries in Old Hollywood movies. Maybe 12 Angry Men had something to do with this.)

35. The system is useless in protecting victims of society. (Sometimes but Hollywood mostly exaggerates this.)

36. A judge can simply order a jury switch without the parties’ consent during a trial. (No judge can call a jury the parties’ didn’t select before the trial. If the jury falls to corruption, the judge can simply declare a mistrial and the process starts all over again.)

37. Cops can threaten to use lethal force against suspects. (This is mostly forbidden in most police departments. Not to mention, a cop shooting anyone in the line of duty results in suspension and internal affairs investigation.)

38. Frivolous lawsuits are almost always brought to court. (Most frivolous lawsuits are simply thrown out of court. Also, when suit is filed, lawyers have to make reasonable inquiries before pursuit. As for frivolous lawsuits, don’t use the one about the old lady who burned herself after spilling coffee at McDonald’s, she actually did have reasonable clout to sue.)

39. Making a citizen’s arrest is illegal. (Actually it is but like acting as your own attorney, not highly recommended.)

40. Executions happen right after the judge imposes death sentence. (Most convicts on death row stay there for years, perhaps decades. Also, many of them try to commute their sentence to life in prison through the appeals process which takes years and costs millions of taxpayer money. Many people oppose the death penalty on the basis that letting a criminal spend life in prison is actually cheaper than executing one.)

41. A lawyer using “disregard that statement” is only being polite when the opposing attorney objects. (Saying this might cause a lawyer to get disbarred.)

42. You can be put in jail for killing someone in self-defense. (Well, unjustifiably, but if self defense is proven, you get off on justifiable homicide or on “shoot first” laws if it involves a firearm and firing first, unfortunately. God, Zimmerman should’ve went to jail for manslaughter at least and shouldn’t have been allowed to own a gun {I mean he’s had previous run ins with cops and a domestic restraining order}. Yet, you can go to jail for firing a warning shot at an attacker, since it counts use of deadly force even if you didn’t intend to hit him or her. And not intending to hit the person is considered evidence you didn’t actually fear for your life. So if Zimmerman fired at Trayvon Martin and missed, he’d be in jail. Shit.)

43. Restraining orders are either ineffective or nonexistent. (They do exist and do work. A legal order for a person to stay away or face arrest is pretty effective. Still, why women in movies don’t file restraining orders against their abusive husbands is beyond me.)

44. You won’t get punished for taking the law into your own hands if the notorious criminal who wronged you goes free. (Uh, yes, you can and you probably will. In the real world, two wrongs don’t make a right.)

45. No one can testify for or against their spouse accused of a crime. (Spouses actually could if they wish to do so. They just can’t be forced to, as a spousal privilege, even if the couple later divorce. In other words, spouses can testify but they can’t be subpoenaed in cases involving his or her partner. Still, spousal privileged is suspended if both partners are on opposite sides.)

Love and Relationships According to the Movies

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At twenty-three, I’ve never had a boyfriend for some reason or another. Of course, for someone like me living in the country, you don’t have many options and most people at my age have other priorities like school or career. Yet, I’ve had guys who were interested in me as well as had my own crushes but these were few and far between. But even in the best of circumstances, something usually goes wrong. Still, though I’ve never really been in a dating relationship in my life, I know enough about the subject to figure out that romance in the movies doesn’t necessarily hold to the real thing in very obvious ways. And in some cases what could be a gesture of true love in the movies can translate as disturbing behavior in real life or even get you arrested. So here is a comprehensive list:

1. Women always have to be pretty and young to get the guy while men don’t need to be either. (There are plenty of ugly and older women who do find husbands and have longer marriages than many Hollywood celebrities. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and looks only go skin deep. An attractive woman may have more options but her looks won’t necessarily guarantee that she’ll find true love or happiness or even make a good partner. Not to mention, most men usually marry women close to their own age anyway even in their thirties. So if a woman is still single and in her 30s, it doesn’t put her in a relationship dead zone. Still, almost every actress you see portrayed as a love interest is a young and attractive actress while the guy doesn’t need to be so.)

2. No woman is happy with a man who isn’t less successful than she is. (Though there are some women who do go after so-called “alpha males” most women would rather be with men who love and respect them for themselves as well as are nice people in general. Financially, most women are more concerned with a guy’s relationship to money than what he makes. More marriages have ended in divorce over poor money management than lack of income. Besides, these days most women aren’t really looking for a man who can financially provide or support them anyway. A financially trustworthy beta male will do just fine.)

3. A woman’s career success will hurt her relationship with her man. (Many guys may not be comfortable dating or being married to someone more successful than them, but most of them will try and learn to adjust. Sometimes a woman’s successful career can help her in relationship or perhaps save her marriage. Plenty of men are happily married to women more successful than they are. And there are plenty of famous examples of successful women having happy marriages like Margaret Thatcher, Margaret Mitchell, Annie Oakley, Nancy Pelosi, Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, and the list goes on. So, ladies, despite what Hollywood says, career success won’t cost you your man, in most cases. And if it does, then he probably wasn’t good enough for you to begin with or you just got too caught up in it which could happen to men, too. Also, a lot of career women lose their men but not always because of it.)

4. A damsel in distress will fall in love with the first guy who rescues or tries to help her while he reciprocates her feelings. (If this was true 100% of the time I bet male rescue workers, cops, and medical personnel would have girls and women swarming at them. Though this might happen sometimes, for many people, saving others is their job and a lot of them usually already have a significant other or a family while others may not make good partners to begin with. Those who are rescued may also have a significant other as well. Still, no one should expect these people to fall in love with them or vice versa. Being saved from danger doesn’t lead to romance most of the time, especially if the rescuer is an obese cop with a wife and family.)

5. Hooking up under the influence is a good way to meet someone. (A drunken hookup with a stranger may be a good way to have an “accident,” yet it’s a terrible way to meet someone, especially if it’s the future co-parent of your child who may be the unexpected result of such encounter. For one, the stranger you sleep with may have issues with alcohol, which isn’t a good sign at all. Second, drunken hookups aren’t 100% consensual since anyone intoxicated is in no condition to give any consent. So having sex with someone who’s drunk is will less likely lead you true love and more likely to jail as a sex offender. Even more so if roofies are involved. Yet, in movies, drunken hookups seem to happen all the time and no one seems to feel violated and no one gets arrested. Drunk sex in real life just don’t work that way. So if you see someone who’s drunk, don’t have sex with them because it’s rape.)

6. Women like men with plenty of sexual experience while men prefer women with none. (Sexual experience is mostly irrelevant in relationships and while there are many who marry as virgins, there are plenty who don’t. So having pre-marital sex isn’t going to hurt anyone’s chances, as long as it’s in a monogamous relationship, even if it doesn’t lead to marriage. And there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin either, even if you’re a guy. However, having a sexual history like Casanova isn’t an attractive quality for either sex. Of course, we all know the kind of stigma against women having pre-marital sex and slut shaming so I don’t have to go into detail. Yet, women don’t really like players either, at least as husbands anyway and for good reason. After all, what woman wants to marry a man who may have a bunch undiagnosed STDs and a closet full of paternity suits? Nobody.)

7. No matter how much of a jerk he is, if he’s charming, handsome, likeable, and dresses nice, chances are he’ll end up with the leading lady by the end. (Of course, Cary Grant from His Girl Friday comes to my mind for no matter how much he tortures Ralph Bellamy to get Rosiland Russell back, you just can’t hate the man. And Cary Grant was such an awful person in that movie like trying to get his ex-wife’s fiance arrested with a hooker. Still, no guy can get away with all that in real life no matter how irresistible he is.)

8. No matter how crazy she is, if she’s pretty, fun-loving, rich, and/or sweet as can be, chances are she’ll end up with the leading man by the end. (In this, I’m talking about Katharine Hepburn in Bringing Up Baby who basically acts however she pleases like stealing other people’s cars, teeing off on other people’s golf balls, and shanghaiing Cary Grant to Connecticut with the help from a leopard named Baby. She also takes his clothes as well as make a further mess of things sometimes by accident and sometimes not. And all in a span of two days with one being a day he’s set to marry someone else. Nevertheless, she ends up with him in the end and they live happily ever after while the brontosaurus skeleton just falls apart {then again, brontosauruses never really existed}. Still, in real life, she’d probably get away with at least some of her antics anyway since she’s rich, but I don’t think most guys will pick a girl who puts them in a possible life-threatening situation. Girls who do that usually get restraining orders.)

9. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. (Most bullshit relationship advice ever. People who love each other always say they’re sorry when they’ve been wrong. It’s common courtesy, dammit!)

10. If you love someone, don’t give up the chase even if the object of your affections repeatedly rejects you and/or is seeing someone else. If you persist, chances are he or she will fall for you eventually. (This is only okay if you’re fully aware that the object of your affections is actually interested in you. In this case, your love interest is only rejecting you as a way of playing hard to get or other reasons so persistence isn’t going to hurt you, which he or she will encourage. And the person will let you know if he or she is into you {which won’t be hard to figure out}. However, this is the only scenario in where persistence  is okay since it’s giving what the other person wants, even if he or she’s going to reject you anyway. Yet, if you’re not sure the other person is interested beyond reasonable doubt, best not to persist, especially if he or she is seeing someone else. Yet, if you think you have a reasonable chance, it’s all right to ask again, but if he or she rejects twice without showing any apparent sign of interest, best leave it be. Everybody falls victim to mixed signals now and then. But if the other person has made it clear he or she isn’t interested and/or is with someone, don’t press it or try to do anything to get him or her to fall in love with you. In fact, repeated persistence in this situation won’t help your chances and may result in a restraining order or other law enforcement action. However, Hollywood keeps perpetuating this myth.)

11. It’s only natural for nice guys to feel entitled to date women they want, especially if they’re willing to be their friend and treat them with respect. And if their desired women reject them for someone else, it’s their fault. (Sure some nice guys may finish last in the dating world but a guy who feels entitled to any girl he wants just because he’s nice to her isn’t a nice guy. He’s just another kind of asshole and complete phony only pretending to be nice to get into a girl’s pants. Genuine nice guys aren’t like this. Sure they may be flawed but a genuine nice guy is a decent person who treats everyone with respect and doesn’t feel he needs a prize in basic decency. Also, a genuine nice guy respects women’s decisions even if they’re not in his favor or suit her best interest. And they don’t befriend women in order to date or sleep with them either. Real nice guys don’t care if they finish last.)

12. Women are drawn to bad boys, especially younger women and teenagers. (Of course, the Hollywood “bad boy” archetype who girls tend to be attracted to doesn’t win girls just by being bad and doesn’t really turn out that bad to begin with. For instance, James Dean’s characters in East of Eden and Rebel Without a Cause are troubled teenagers with serious issues at best but turn out as fundamentally decent people. So maybe it is true to some extent that girls like the bad boys, just as long as they’re attractive and aren’t total jerks. However, there are plenty of bad boys out there who aren’t attractive and aren’t so nice. And by “bad,” I mean like criminally inclined, not good as friends, maybe not too mentally stable, abusive/physically violent, might have trouble keeping a legal job, and will more likely interested in the physical {sexual} aspect of a relationship than anything else. And probably not concerned with fidelity either. So even if the bad boys get the girls, they’re more prone to divorce, prison, or a restraining order. So to say that women want bad boys is to be badly mistaken in some ways.)

13. The love of/for a good person can reform someone who’s bad. (Well, maybe loving another person can make someone terrible not seem so bad but it’s not going to him or her change right off the bat if at all. In most relationships, if they were bad people when you met them, they’ll be bad when you marry them. And most people who believe this have a good chance of getting divorced, filing for a restraining order, as well as other legal actions.)

14. It’s all right to sacrifice everything for the one you love (like your career, friends, values, and/or sense of identity.) If your beloved doesn’t like a certain thing about you whether it be in appearance or what not, change it. (Really? How many movies have I seen this in? Look, this has been done time and time again in both Grease and Vertigo and such notion is utterly full of crap. Sure love requires some sacrifice but you shouldn’t be willing to sacrifice everything you hold dear for another person’s love. No one is worth that. And if your partner is unsatisfied with a certain aspect of yourself {that isn’t a problem}, just tell him or her to accept it or leave it. Those who truly love you, will usually accept while those who leave it didn’t really love you in the first place. Love may entail sacrifice and growing up to some extent but you should also think for yourself, too. Don’t sacrifice or change everything.)

15. Stalking, withholding sex, kidnapping, forcing yourself, isolating your beloved from others, exhibiting high levels of jealousy and possessiveness, breaking and entering, exhibiting controlling behavior, threatening with violence, and other forms of abuse are acceptable relationship behaviors. (For God’s sake, some of these things will earn you a prison rap sheet or restraining order. Oh, why Hollywood, why do you portray such behavior as romantic? It’s not!)

16. It’s perfectly all right to marry someone you’ve known for less than a month. (Happens a lot in movies before the 1960s for two reasons. For one, the wretched Hays Code and a quick elopement is probably the most acceptable way to get the couple having a sexual relationship {unless if the plot revolves around having an out of wedlock baby which in this case, the bio dad will be killed, lost, reunited with family, or having to assume care over a kid he didn’t know he had}. Second, helps drive the plot faster since most movie couples rush to the altar quicker than couples in real life. However, a whirlwind romance is something that shouldn’t be advised even if he or she is The One and you two are perfectly compatible. No need to hurry, just wait for a few months or even a year to make sure you’d really want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Let me just say that an unmarried couple living for 5 years is less likely to get divorced than a couple who’ve gotten hitched after knowing each other for like an hour.)

17. Playing hard to get will surely land you the object of your affections. Being open and forward about your feelings may cause the other person to lose interest. (Maybe, but please don’t make it impossible and don’t go too far, don’t hurt the other person’s feelings, and don’t give the other person unnecessary crap. And if the other person knows you’re playing hard to get and doesn’t like it, you might want to stop and admit it flat out. And even if you do, the other person will probably not lose interest and may even be happy you did. Also, playing hard to get may have a tendency to backfire since it might cause the other person to pass you aside in frustration, be deeply hurt, assume you’re not into him or her and move on, decide persistence isn’t worth it since you’ll reject him or her every single time regardless of feelings, may be afraid to ask again in fear of rejection, or even lose interest in you. Honestly, you don’t want to go too far with it.)

18. When things don’t work out in a relationship, run to the nearest airport where your estranged partner will realize his or her mistake minutes before the plane takes off, jump into a taxi, and despite post 9/11 security provisions will make it to the gate to stop you from taking your flight and profess his or her undying love for you. (You’ll be gone by the time your true love makes it to the gate, especially with the post 9/11 TSA provisions. If you don’t want your estranged partner to leave you forever, call before he or she ever decides to board that plane.)

19. To begin a stable relationship with a person who is ready for commitment, interrupt his or her beautiful ceremony to another person and declare your love. Running away with them also helps. (Sorry, Benjamin Braddock, but ruining a wedding is the last thing you want to do, even if your beloved is marrying someone else. Besides, calling off a wedding is emotionally harrowing and those who experienced this may need time to sort out their feelings before embarking on a new relationship. This is especially true if one of the couple dies before the wedding. If you want to declare your love for someone who’s marrying someone else, declare your love for him or her before the wedding, preferably when the wedding is in the planning stages. If he or she’s planning to marry in a Catholic Church, you’ll have at least 3 to 6 months time when the banns are posted so don’t waste any time.)

20. Becoming accidentally pregnant by a relative stranger will result in you bonding and falling in love with the person who knocked you up and inevitably you will have the family of your dreams. (Jesus Christ, Judd Apatow! Look, ladies, just because the guy may be your kid’s biological father doesn’t mean you should marry him. And just because he fathered the kid doesn’t mean he should raise it with you. In fact, he may not be a good partner to you or a good father to your kid. It’s said unplanned pregnancies outside of marriage are probably the single biggest way not to guarantee a happy ending with that person. Besides, you or the other person may already be married anyway. Still, a great stepdad or no dad is better for your kid than a shitty biological one.)

21. Some hookers have hearts of gold and are very much relationship material. (I’m not so sure about that, Richard Gere. What I can say is that though there may be some hookers with hearts of gold and that it’s possible to find true love with a prostitute, doesn’t mean pursuing a relationship with one is a good idea. Of course, many prostitutes and johns use condoms but many of them do have their share in STDs. Is true love with a hooker worth getting something like Hepatitis A-C, genital herpes,  crabs, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HPV, syphilis, trichomoniasis, and AIDS? On a side note to parents, if your son ever thinks of being involved with a hooker, please get them the HPV vaccine or at  least talk to them about the possible risk. Still, anyone who’s been in a high school health class can tell you that pursuing a relationship with a prostitute is a bad idea.)

22. Good sex cures all relationship issues. (Good sex be important in a relationship but it’s not going to save it if you or your partner are unsuitable for such a relationship or downright abusive, especially if he or she’s anything like Stanley Kowalski.)

23. If you want your love back, do a grand romantic gesture like secretly filling her office with roses or standing in the rain with a boombox. That way the object of your affections will realize that he or she loves you, too. (This may seem romantic in movies, but in real life, this comes off as desperate and pathetic, if you’re lucky. If not, then actively deranged, idiotic, or obnoxious. This is especially a bad idea if he or she’s not attracted to you in the first place. In this case, you’re just wasting your money and don’t understand how relationships work in the real world. And if he or she doesn’t like you, chances are the object of your affections will be filing a restraining order or be calling the cops. If he or she does like you, then perhaps you should try something called talking or spending time with that person, especially if you make that grand romantic gesture. If you don’t make any effort to spend time with that person or communicate or try playing hard to get, you might risk breaking the other person’s heart.)

24. If you’re dating a terrible person, it’s okay to have a once in a lifetime romance in a random hookup with a stranger while on vacation. (Well, it’s not like Kate Winslet had any choice marrying a complete bastard but still, hooking up with Leonardo DiCaprio is probably not a good idea. Then again, at least she wasn’t like Paul Henreid doing the same with Bette Davis and he was married with two kids. Then there’s An Affair to Remember where you have Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr hooking up despite both of them being in a relationship with someone else who aren’t terrible or even make them unhappy. Still, even if you’re in a terrible relationship with someone, cheating on him or her while on vacation is perhaps the worst dating advice of all time. For one, it can lead to STDs, unplanned pregnancies, or paternity suits. Vacation adultery isn’t a good idea at all. Bad enough hooking up with a random stranger while single.)

25. Dressing up in drag might make you attractive to people within your own sex. (That is, if you’re in gay bar or pull off the disguise convincingly. Still, though I could believe Charles Durning’s attraction to Dustin Hoffman’s Dorothy in Tootsie, I can’t see how any straight man would hook up with Jack Lemmon  or Tony Curtis in Some Like It Hot. Really, they don’t look any more like women than John Cleese wearing a dress and wig.)

26. There’s nothing illogical with making the life altering decision to spend the rest of your life with a total stranger who doesn’t know exist. (Really, Meg Ryan? Flying across country to be with the one you love is one thing, but a life-altering decision nevertheless. Flying across country to meet a total stranger you hear on the radio who doesn’t even know you exist? Are you out of your fucking mind? Not only is it stupid, it’s also dangerous and basically makes you a stalker.)

27. Women are man crazy hellions with a ticking biological clock and urge to rush in a committed relationship with a man. (Some women don’t want to get married and/or have kids while others are lesbians. Also, no, real women don’t act like women in romantic comedies. Really? Hollywood, I may love romantic comedies {when well done anyway} but please don’t portray women like this. It’s sexist, honestly. We’re not all wedding or baby crazy bitches or obsessed with clothes or shopping.)

28. It’s not creepy to have feelings for a stepsibling or an adopted sibling. (Just because you’re not blood relatives doesn’t make it less creepy. Besides, I don’t know if the latter is legal.)

29. If your love interest is gay, you can always win them over and get them to switch teams. (Uh, no you can’t unless they’re bi. But, do you really want to go there?)

3o. When men get into a relationship, it’s usually to get into a woman’s pants. (Really? Sure some men may be perverts, but there are plenty of guys who actually want to have a relationship with women and like them as people. Not to mention, a lot of them have emotional needs to and many actually want to get married. Seriously, Hollywood, most guys don’t really want to remain single all their lives.)