A while ago, I had a post about Christmas trees. But this time I’ve reserved this post on Christmas tree decorations. Of course, we always decorate Christmas trees with all kinds of things like lights, toppers, trimmings, ornaments, and others. Many can range from those bought in a store or used as gifts to those homemade or part of a child’s craft project. Many of them may seem to be of great craftsmanship or of sentimental value while others well, may be better off set at the bottom of the tree where your toddler can smash and break so you wouldn’t have to explain its presence later. Also, it would make the tree look better as well. Either way, most people are usually stuck with putting them on the tree year after year. So here is a collection of possible inappropriate Christmas trimmings that should never grace a Christmas tree (well, ones within some bounds of PG-13 decency that is, but I will post links for some of the not so wholesome ones because there’s plenty of Christmas ornaments out there I can’t even post on this blog nor want to).
I. The Lights
1. Now you know how tacky having a leg lamp would be from the movie A Christmas Story, but imagine having a string of them on your own Christmas tree.
If only Ralphie’s dad had his way.
2. Tropical paradise? Well, have a string of illuminated flamingos and palm trees.
Still, palm trees and flamingos lights look tacky on just about everything.
3. For college fraternity Christmas trees, I’d recommend the Budweiser beer can light strand so you can be the life of the party before Christmas vacation.
Seriously, why beer can lights? I can’t understand how they’ll make the tree look less like something from a frat.
II. The Toppers
4. For all you religious freaks out there, here’s a topper of Christ the King in his resplendent white robes and flat-ironed hair.
If it wasn’t for that outfit, I’d mistaken this Jesus for a surfer dude.
5. Nothing says Peace on Earth than topping your tree with a star made out of shotgun shells.
Courtesy of the NRA.
6. For all you Harry Potter fans out there, we have the Sorting Hat tree topper where you find whether your tree will be sorted into Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, or Gryffindor.
C’mon there are probably better Harry Potter tree toppers than the Sorting Hat. What about the Golden Snitch?
7. For those tired of the constant Christmas cheer, here’s a crying angel tree topper.
A downer at any Christmas party.
8. Keep annoying guests away with the evil monster tree topper.
And I don’t think I’m kidding here. May also scare little kids and animals.
9. To match one’s Budweiser can Christmas lights, here’s a Busch Angel to top the tree.
Because you couldn’t afford to buy an actual angel to top the tree.
10. For those sick in their minds, here’s an eyeless baby tree topper for the season.
Seriously, this one is creeping me out, especially with its Christmas light eyes.
11. If Busch Angel doesn’t seem your fancy here’s a Bud Light Tree Star.
O, little town of Beerthlehem.
12. Why have the Grinch steal Christmas if he can be on top of your tree instead?
Looks like his mind is up to no good. Also, it’s just his head.
13. For dog lovers, here’s a dog angel tree topper.
Look, I know all dogs go to heaven but this is ridiculous.
14. For your secular humanists out there, here’s a tree topper of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Because a Flying Spaghetti Monster tree topper will make your Christmas tree look tackier than your Christian friends.
15. Seriously, oh, God, no! A Justin Bieber tree topper.
And he has to be depicted as an angel? Is there no decency here, Lord?
III. The Ornaments
16. Have a Wunderbar Christmas with these Swastika ornaments on your very Nazi tree your Furher can be proud of.
Seriously, how could these ornaments even exist? I mean no one wants Christmas ornaments promoting anti-Semitic hate speech.
17. There’s nothing like having an armed fetus as your Christmas tree ornament to make a stand for your traditional American values.
Because even fetuses should be entitled their Second Amendment rights. Couldn’t resist on that one.
18. Nothing can traumatize your kids more than seeing Santa with a thong.
Oh, God why? This is disgusting.
19. Or Santa kidnapping naughty children in his sack.
This probably came from the Netherlands, just look up David Sedaris’ 6 to 8 Black Men on Google.
20. Or Winnie the Pooh in a bikini.
This is so wrong on many levels.
21. Or the Krampus.
Seriously what’s a Krampus? And do I want to find out?
22. Didn’t know what Santa wore under his red suit.
Feeling a little bicurious, are you Santa?
23. What girl wouldn’t refuse putting a sexy merman on her tree?
Seriously, what’s sexually appealing about mermen? I don’t understand it.
24. And for those down South, here’s some flamingo ornaments.
Like I said, flamingo decorations are always tacky.
25. Stuffed ornaments: so adorable even if they are fragments of bodily waste.
Now that I think about it, it’s kind of disgusting.
26. I’ll let the ad speak for itself.
I could never say it better myself.
27. Why not have your Christmas baubles double as billiard balls?
I just hope these are as sturdy as real billiard balls if you decide to play pool with them.
28. Let’s have your Chimney Charlie rise from your chimney.
Because no one wants to see a shirtless Santa.
29. And here’s Jesus up your chimney in a crown of lights to mark the suffering his birthday has experienced with secularism and commercialism.
Sacrilegious on so many levels.
30. What more can you have on your Christmas tree than the daughter of Chucky?
Well, you have to agree with me that she bears a certain resemblance. Of course, this is what you get when you mate Chucky with a troll doll.
31. Now you can be sure your nutcrackers support America’s Football Team.
Seriously, the Dallas Cowboy’s aren’t America’s Football Team. It’s just what they and their fans call themselves.
32. Of course, your dead Santa head is a fine addition for your Nightmare Before Christmas Party.
On second thought, probably too scary for that.
33. And here’s the Nutcracker’s Kentucky cousin Bubba.
A redneck nutcracker, how…..I’m at a loss for words here.
34. What more can you ask for than a lovely catfish on your tree?
Actually this is way more disturbing than the real thing.
35. A reindeer can never be overdressed.
Not only is this outfit bad for reindeer but it’s also a fire hazard.
36. See the baby Jesus like you never seen him before.
Will inspire more freakouts than joy.
37. Grandma got run over by a reindeer but Santa wasn’t responsible.
So Grandma was really run over by a reindeer on a quad trying to get away from hunters. Perhaps Grandma was going to shoot it.
38. What more adorable craft ornament can you ask for than a cork reindeer?
Can’t imagine how this could be a school craft project.
39. Didn’t know Santa was a senior naturist was he?
At least he has a long white beard to hide his naughty bits.
40. You shouldn’t bug Santa while he’s on his private business.
Please, Santa’s busy taking a crap. Shut the door and come back later.
41. For the microbiologist in your life, here’s some stuffed microbe ornaments for their tree.
Because these are ornaments only a microbiologist can appreciate.
42. Nothing says Peace on Earth than a wooden gun on your tree.
Please don’t. For the love of God, please don’t put this on your tree.
43. Of course, you don’t want to bother a bear packing heat don’t you?
Bears are dangerous enough without guns let alone a mama bear wielding a shotgun to defend her cubs.
44. Seriously, Jersey Shore ornaments? Oh, hell no!
Seriously, who the hell would buy these?
45. Well, here’s old Fishy reeling in a couple of marshmallows for his chocolate and graham cracker barge.
As to what fish and smores have in common with each other, I don’t have the slightest idea.
46. Because your tree may be inhabited by smoking squirrels.
Hey, it’s possible.
47. No stuffed ornament tree would be complete without Monster Tree.
Oh, when a tree gets angry, boy does it get angry.
48. What’s that on the ballerina pig’s head?
Is that supposed to be a Christmas tree with a face on it? Creepy.
49. Of course, you can’t have Christmas without Santa praying to the Baby Jesus.
I find these decorations with Santa and Baby Jesus kind of tacky if you know what I mean.
50. And nothing says Merry Christmas like a bikini clad hippopotamus.
Might have something to do with “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” Still, since hippos are among the most dangerous and aggressive animals on Earth, you really don’t.
For More:
Tree Toppers:
http://www.complex.com/art-design/2012/12/20-inappropriate-items-placed-on-christmas-trees/
Ornaments:
From Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/11/wtf-ornaments-45-worst-christmas-tree-decorations_n_2278305.html
From Buzzfeed: http://www.buzzfeed.com/hgrant/21-upsetting-christmas-tree-ornaments
The Lone Girl in a Crowd 