Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 2 – Tressy Girl Career Game to Landlord

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 13, 2015

Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

So we’re off to a good start. You might’ve noticed that many of the first bunch were quite controversial and very family unfriendly at that. Well, let’s just say that a lot of these tend to have some crazy history behind them and perhaps are made with an agenda. Of course, with quite a few, you can guess the creator’s politics on those. Nevertheless, board games may not be the kind of innocent entertainment as you may see. Many of these featured will also tend to be very old as well as made at a time when gaming companies could get away with a lot more shit than they do now. Mostly it’s because they have to cater to families. And if they’re not, it’s usually to geeks, fratboys, preteens, and partiers. It also explains why some of them might tend to not age well, particularly if they were targeted to preteen to teenage girls. So without further adieu, here is my second installment to my series of family unfriendly board games.

11. Tressy Girl Career Game

It wasn’t uncommon for companies in the 1960s to release career girl games to give young girls options beyond the traditional housewife. Unfortunately, these options tend to center around caregivers, assistants, or sex objects. Kind of makes the early James Bond movies look feminist in comparison but not too much.

Category: Educational

Players: 2-4

Contents: board, dice, player tokens, cards

Object: Players navigate a path to become a successful “career girl” by becoming a nurse, secretary, teacher, model, dancer or actress.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Maybe because the creator thought girls needed to learn about their career options outside marriage and housewife.

Why it’s not: Unfortunately, those were basically the only acceptable positions available to most women at the time, assuming that she came from a less enlightened neighborhood in 1960. Nevertheless, it’s basically built on a sexist presence that women either have to be assistants, caregivers, or pretty things to look at. Same goes for a lot of girl career games from the era.

Available?: Let’s hope not, for feminism’s sake. However, it’s not the only one.

12. Beat the Border

Game about the drug trade at the US-Mexican border where players represent drug mules. Dealers are named Eduardo, Renaldo, and Jose. Hopefully nothing racist about that. Oh, wait a minute, yes there is. Yes there is. The kind of game more offensive to Mexicans than the Frito Bandito.

Category: Economic, Humor

Players: 2-4

Contents: board, money, player pieces, scorecard, dice

Object: Players start with $1000 and spend the game crossing the US-Mexican border as a drug mule risking possible arrest by US authorities. Player who makes the preset money goal wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: This game was released in the early 1970s. Guess it pertains to drugs? Hey, don’t ask me.

Why it’s not: Well, the guys you buy drugs at the border are named Eduardo, Renaldo, and Jose. You know, Mexicans. You can guess the negative Hispanic stereotype in play here.

Available?: Most likely not.

13. Jews Out!

Now you can orchestrate your own Holocaust with this Jews Out! board game. Actually, just kidding because you can’t. In fact, there are only 2 remaining copies of this game still known to exist. And that’s a good thing nobody could play this game. Because reviving it would be very bad.

Category: Cross and Circle

Players: 2-6

Contents: a pair of dice, a game board, tokens, and several game piece figurines with large pointed hats meant to represent Jews

Object: Players role dice, move token to Jewish homes to collect Jews. They must then escort these Jews to a “collection point” so they can be banished from the city (to a special place where they’ll be subject to forced labor, starvation, disease, and poisonous showers). First player to expel 6 Jews wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It was viewed as a tool for Nazi propaganda, particularly when it came to the Nuremburg laws and the Kristallnacht. Didn’t stop the Nazi government from saying it trivialized their Anti-Semitic policies and was commercially unsuccessful.

Why it’s not: Uh, do I really need to explain that is a game about the Holocaust? I mean you know, the time when millions of people (namely Jews) were rounded up and sent to concentration camps where they either were forced to work with and succumb to adverse conditions, subject to inhuman experimentation, or simply exterminated. Seriously, that’s just fucking insane!

Available?: Hopefully, only the 2 remaining copies were sent to a museum while the rest were burned.

14. Adultery

If you’re married and attend an office party, you might hope that your boss doesn’t force you to play this game. Then again, if you are, make sure you threaten a sexual harassment suit against your sleazy ass supervisor.

Category: Mature/Adult, Party

Players: At least 3

Contents: board, player tokens, game, tokens

Object: Players must hook up with at least 2 people in real life. I know the publisher doesn’t say it that way. It’s like a 1960s board game version of Tinder.

Why they thought it was a good idea: The makers wanted to appeal to the swingers demographic or make a great game for swingers’ parties.

Why it’s not: Uh, can’t you see the title basically means, “cheat on your spouse?” Guess this board game led to a lot of divorce cases and daytime talk show paternity disputes. Pull this one out of an office Christmas party gift exchange, you might expect to spend 5 minutes with your boss, if you aren’t savvy enough to threaten a sexual harassment suit first.

Available?: Oh, please, no.

15. Blacks & Whites

Basically this is a Monopoly type game which was supposed to spread awareness of institutionalized racism. But ends up highlighting it in the most inappropriate way possible. Was originally designed so the black players can’t win, which is the point. Let’s just say illustrating the evils of racism doesn’t work with board games.

Category: Economic, Educational, Negotiation

Players: 3-9

Contents: board, 5 white tokens, 4 black tokens, 2 dice, several flat black bars, property cards, as well as cards for blacks and whites.

Object: It’s kind of like Monopoly save the fact that white players start with $1 million while black players begin with $10,000. First player to get 100 status points wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Psychology Today thought publishing a game like this would help teach people why institutional racism against African Americans and other people of color is bad. Or as they call it, “the absurdities of living in different worlds while playing on the same board.”

Why it’s not: Basically this game highlights the evils of racism in the most inappropriate way possible as well as shows why the board game depiction pertaining to certain social problems like institutionalized racism doesn’t work. Originally it was designed so the black players can’t win since they have limited property options such as “inner ghetto,” “outer ghetto,” “lower integrated,” “upper integrated,” “newer estates,” and “older estates.” But the game was later redesigned or the rules were simply ignored. Seriously, this game basically creates an unequal competitive advantage and is unwinnable by design for certain players, which doesn’t work well in board games. Or any game as a matter of fact.

Available?: It’s been out of print for years, thank God.

16. Project Porn Star

Now this is a game that puts players in world where movie directors lack the creative imagination to make wonderful movies and the budgets awarded to Michael Bay. For perverts who see nothing wrong with exploiting women for their sex appeal in showbiz.

Category: Card, Humor, Mature/Adult

Players: 2-5

Contents: Sets of cards

Object: Players are cast as porn directors to navigate their way through the porn business with cards representing actors, objects, and actions. But beware of thieves, hackers, ugly actors, and moralistic directors. Great way to exploit women, waste celluloid, and create films with absolutely no storyline.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have no idea. Seriously, I wasn’t consulted. Guess it was a way to appeal to frat boys and encourage them to use their imaginations.

Why it’s not: Let’s not kid ourselves, the porn industry is a terrible business known to exploit and objectify women as well as is bereft of any artistic value of any kind.

Available?: Probably at some adult sex shop.

17. Five Little Ni***r Boys

Hmm…a game about killing 5 black boys in cold blood? Then again, it was made in 1950 in Britain. But still, it’s obscenely racist it’s not even funny. I mean we had black people killed in the US for no reason on the time, especially under “Stand Your Ground” in Florida.

Category: First Person Shooter

Players: 2-4

Contents: a box with 5 black boys, a pop gun firing corks, and a “Watermelon Coon” target

Object: Players try to shoot the 5 little black boys in cold blood. The one who guns down the most wins but loses their conscience.

Why they thought it was a good idea: This was made in Britain in 1950 perhaps with the idea of cashing in on white supremacists in the American South.

Why it’s not: Seriously, do I really need to explain? I mean this whole game is about killing black people for absolutely no reason for God’s sake!

Available?: Hopefully, not.

18. Kablamo

It’s like Russian Roulette: The Board Game. Well, except that unlike the real thing, nobody dies, except maybe on paper. Really disturbing if you think about.

Category: Fighting, Humor, Memory

Players: 2-5

Contents: 5 boards depicting a barrel of a gun with six spaces as well as playing counters representing bullets.

Object: Similar to “Russian Roulette” in which each gun is loaded with playing counters on the spaces. Bullets come in various types with some killing you when fired, others allowing you to change bullet position (either in your gun or someone else’s) or modify bullet behavior. Each turn consists of with all players simultaneously firing their “gun” with rotating the barrel with the top bullet. But players can randomly reload by drawing new counters and playing them on empty spaces. Still, guess the only surviving player wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Your guess is as good as mine. Then again, it’s supposed to be for ages 12 and up.

Why it’s not: Do I really need to explain? I mean it’s basically a non-deadly board game version of “Russian Roulette.” That kind of sums up the reason why it’s not a good idea.

Available?: Well, there’s one in stock on Amazon.

19. Pimps and Hos

Pimps & Hos: The game about procuring girls into prostitution. Yeah, I know it’s an adult game but I’m not sure if it’s appropriate one to play know how prostitutes tend to be expendable on crime shows.

Category: Card, Mature/Adult

Players: 3-6

Contents: Deck of cards

Object: A game on prostitution. Players play “John” cards on their girls to make money. First player to earn $1500 wins the game. But it’s not that simple since other players could send each other’s girls to jail and have to be bailed out. Also, if a girl fails a health exam, she’s off the street. The girls can also switch pimps, by the way.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Beats me, but it’s certainly not for kids.

Why it’s not: This is a game that mocks prostitution, which is an exploitative business for women in more ways than one. And it doesn’t help that prostitutes are often targets of violent crime since they’re less likely to call law enforcement who’d most likely put them in jail (since most inmates in women’s prisons tend to be in for prostitution. Not to mention, this also explains why a lot of prostitutes tend to be murder victims in the media). Also, they tend to be abused and many tend to have drug addictions. And there’s the fact a lot of prostitutes tend to be victims of sex trafficking, especially if they’re from poorer countries.

Available?: Hopefully not.

20. Landlord

In this game players can build apartments, rent to paying tenants, collect rent, kick out poor tenants, and blow up buildings. Basically has a more glamorous take on the ugly stuff that landlords actually do.

Category: Card, Humor

Players: 2-6

Contents: Deck of cards

Object: Build apartments, rent them to tenants, and collect rent. Each card has an apartment on one side as well as tenants, roofs, renovations, and special actions on the other. Players can put wealthy tenants into their apartments and put deadbeats into their opponents.’ They can even bomb buildings as long as they don’t get caught since jail awaits the careless.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it’s for teens. It’s an apartment management game. Other than that, I’m not sure.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say landlord isn’t a glamorous profession and this game sort of perpetuates a lot of negative stereotypes about them. Especially when it comes to bombing their own buildings or sending deadbeats to other places.

Available?: Not sure but hopefully not.

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 1 – Hunger Games District 12 to The Sinking of the Titanic Game

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 13, 2015

For 5000 years, people have played board games to amuse themselves with others. Of course, in the age of the Internet, they tend to be played during camping trips or power outages for the most part. But even today, they tend to be a part of many people’s lives. Just look at Kickstarter. In fact, I have a friend from high school who has started his own Kickstarter campaign for a trading card game called, “Sky Royals,” I think but I can’t be exactly sure. Sure to think it’s “Sky” something but I could be wrong. Still, we tend to associate board games with the notion of family game night in which parents and kids gather around to play these as a family. It’s usually associated with the weekend or Friday, save maybe during the high school football season for obvious reasons. Nevertheless, though we tend to associate board games for kids, this isn’t always the case such as you see with Dungeons & Dragons fans. But it got me thinking of which games I wouldn’t see as appropriate for a families to play or ones families wouldn’t find fun. Some may be offensive and inappropriate. Others might be boring and dumb. Some may even have complicated rules or unfortunate implications. Still, I wouldn’t recommend them for any family on a Friday night. So for your summer reading pleasure (especially if you live in Southwestern Pennsylvania), here is my first installment of some very family unfriendly board games.

Hunger Games District 12

Let’s just say the Hunger Games movie franchise really doesn’t understand the idea of misaimed marketing. Seriously, I think this game was created by people who have no idea what the books are about.

Category: Strategy

Players: 2-4

Contents: Game board, 55 resource cards, 9 special deck cards, 44 reaping cards, 4 player tokens, 1 round token, 1 first action token and 6 cover tokens

Object: Avoid the Reaping by using your wits to acquire food, clothing, medicine, and fuel before being chosen. Players also try to avoid taking Tesserae which will increase their chances on Reaping Day.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, The Hunger Games Trilogy are popular books and the movies are box office hits. Not to mention, the franchise is aimed toward teens and young adults.

Why it’s not: Because the story centers around certain concepts that aren’t so nice like violence, poverty, and political repression. Also, most Panem teenagers avoid the Reaping with sheer dumb luck, even though the reaping system is basically rigged and the poorest kids are the most likely chosen, especially from the poorest districts like District 12.

Available?: Yes, through all major retailers.

Hunger Games: Training Days Strategy Game

Based on the popular young adult trilogy about forcing a bunch of post-apocalyptic teenagers into a duel to the death on national television. And this is a game pertaining to their training before they all kill each other. Misaimed merchandising indeed.

Based on the popular young adult trilogy about a dystopian society forcing a bunch of post-apocalyptic teenagers into a duel to the death on national television. And this is a game pertaining to their training before they all kill each other. Misaimed merchandising indeed.

Category: Strategy, Auction/Bidding

Players: 2-6

Contents: 18 Tribute cards representing the boy and girl Tributes from 9 Districts (1-4,7,8,10-12), 3 Effort tokens for each District (1,3,6), Deck of 45 Challenge cards: 3 End of Day cards, 24 Event cards, 8 Special Event cards, 10 Alliance cards, 9 District markers, Approval Rating score board, 3 dice

Object: Players choose tributes and challenge each other to matches on wits and skills as well as other attributes.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Once again, The Hunger Games Trilogy is a best-selling series and box office franchise hit. It also caters toward teens and young adults.

Why it’s not: The game basically glamorizes a competition in which 24 teenagers are chosen throughout a dystopian country to fight each other to the death on national television. The Hunger Games are hateful and deplorable as well as ruin the victors’ psychologically. In fact, the whole series is viciously anti-war and the Hunger Games basically symbolize how horrible, life destroying, and how evil humanity can be. Or in short, a dehumanizing death match.

Available?: Yes, through all major retailers.

Subway Vigilante

In the 1970s, this was one of the ways you can live your life as a vigilante action hero on the morning commute. Of course, in real life, vigilante violence leads to collateral damage, jail time, and everyone hating you.

Category: Adventure, Humor

Players: 1-4

Contents: 1 game board, Rule Sheet, 4 gun tokens, 24 bullet tokens, 30 “Make My Day” Cards, 30 “Punk” cards

Object: Armed with a handgun and 6 bullets, each player must survive a commute between Brooklyn and the Bronx with a subway filled with punks as well as obstacles like car derailments, shoving matches, nosy security guards, overworked policemen, and botched subway transfers. Includes a round table discussion at the end of the game.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I don’t know, the popularity of Dirty Harry and Death Wish during the 1970s?

Why it’s not: For one, it glamorizes vigilante violence which is a very terrible thing and downright illegal. Second, it makes New York look like a crime ridden death trap, Third, let’s say that gunplay in a subway can lead to significant collateral damage.

Available?: I’m not sure. Probably not.

Gay Monopoly

Gay Monopoly: A kind of game that perpetuates so many gay male stereotypes that it should go back into the closet where it belongs. Seriously, it doesn’t portray an accurate picture of gay life which isn’t much different from straight life anyway.

Category: Economic, Humor, Negotiation

Players: 2-6

Contents: game board, instructions, paper money, 2 dice, bathtubs, bar tokens, and 6 original playing tokens (jeep, leather cap, high-heeled pump, handcuffs, hairdryer, and teddy bear), 28 property cards, 21 Family Pride cards, 16 Manipulation cards, 31 Ollie’s Sleaze Bag cards

Object: It’s like Monopoly but instead of buying streets and placing homes and hotels, players buy gay locales where they put bars and bathhouses. Also, you sometimes have to act out gay stereotypes to get more money.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Its original purpose is to celebrate the “gay lifestyle” coinciding with the rise of the Gay Rights Movement of the 1970s.

Why it’s not: Basically the game goes with every type of gay man stereotype you can think of. Not to mention, it doesn’t include lesbians. Still, when it come to the “gay lifestyle,” the only way it’s distinguished from their straight counterparts is fact they prefer to have sex with members of their own gender (that doesn’t result in children). That is all. Yeah, quite offensive and not reflective of the gay community’s diversity.

Available?: Not really, for it’s out of print thanks to a Parker Brothers copyright lawsuit.

Ghettopoly

Ghettopoly is like Monopoly depicting the life of urban poor blacks according to what white people perceive through Hip Hop and rap lyrics. Was subject to a very real NAACP lawsuit.

Ghettopoly is like Monopoly depicting the life of urban poor blacks according to what white people perceive through Hip Hop and rap lyrics. But it is totally absent of any dignity and respect you see on The Wire. Was subject to a very real NAACP lawsuit and has been banned.

Category: Economic, Mature/Adult, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-7

Contents: Game Board, Loan Shark Tray, 40 Crack Houses, 17 Projects, Pink Slip Cards, Ghetto Stash and Hustle Cards, 7 Game pieces (Pimp, Hoe, 40 oz, Machine Gun, Marijuana Leaf, Basket Ball and Crack), Counterfeit Money, 2 Dice

Object: It’s very much like Monopoly except that players buy stolen properties, pimp hoes, build crack houses and projects, pay protection fees, borrow from loansharks, and get carjacked. Railroads are replaced with liquor stores while some properties consist of a massage parlor, peep show, and pawn shop. Taxation squares are replaced by carjacking and police shakedown squares.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It’s actually a parody of the urban poor black lifestyle allegedly celebrated in Hip Hop and Rap lyrics.

Why it’s not: If this was a tribute to The Wire, it would be much more understandable. Then again, probably not. Seriously, this game is incredibly racist and derogatory toward black people that it sparked controversy since its release in 2003. Also, just because Hip Hop lyrics contain specific references doesn’t exactly mean these rappers specifically intended them to be celebrated or glamorized as this game does.

Available?: No, because it was subject to a lawsuit by the NAACP and Hasbro as well as been banned on various websites.

Capital Punishment

Basically a game which shows people why the US needs the death penalty and why liberals are soft on crime. Also, gets the real situation on capital punishment totally wrong such as media coverage, appeals process, large costs, proven innocence through DNA evidence, and the number of years it takes for someone to actually be executed.

Category: Political, Strategy

Players: 2-4

Contents: 1 game board, 4 sets of four capital criminal playing pieces (murderer, rapist, arsonist and kidnapper) in four colors, 4 sets of two liberal playing pieces in four colors, 60 innocent citizen cards (15 for each player), 2 standard six sided dice, 3 spare innocent citizen cards.

Object: Players try to get their criminals into a combination of life imprisonment, death row, or the electric chair. But can also use Liberals to get a criminal back on the streets, angling for a second victory condition of killing all 15 of your opponents’ citizens and sending them to Heaven.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Let’s not kid ourselves, the designer’s intention was to convince people why the death penalty is a good idea.

Why it’s not: For one, this game basically states that the death penalty deters crime and that liberals are soft on crime. Not to mention, it tends to dismiss the fact that there are good reasons to be against capital punishment or criticize the criminal justice system. Nor does it provide an accurate description of criminal justice system such as racial profiling, class disparities, the ambiguity of innocence, and how life in prison without parole for the most serious crimes is a better alternative to a death sentence. Also, it leaves out how the legal process makes capital punishment insanely expensive as well as the fact that death row inmates could spend decades in prison before they’re executed. And then there’s the fact that death row inmates receive a lot of media coverage in the days before their execution as well as offers no closure to the victims. Then there’s the fact that more states have abolished capital punishment in recent years, most notably Nebraska, which isn’t a liberal state by any stretch of the imagination.

Available?: Hopefully not.

Life as a Black Man

A game that shows a picture of institutionalized racism in America through the most offensive and stereotypical way possible. Obviously wasn’t created by African Americans.

Category: Role-Playing, Simulation

Players: 2-6

Contents: 1 24″ x 24″ game board, 1 9″ x 12″ Prison Platform, 1 4-sided die, 1 6-sided die, 6 game pawns, 12 decks of Action Cards: 25 GlamourWood cards, 25 Black University cards, 25 Military cards, 30 Ghetto cards, 25 Corporate America cards, 20 Church cards, 25 Prison cards, 25 Life cards, 50 Career cards, 25 Racism cards, 25 Crime cards, 25 Police cards, 18 Character Type Cards: 6 Creative, 6 Intellectual, 6 Athletic, 14 Transportation Cards: 5 “No Car” cards, 3 “Bucket” cards, 2 “Used Mid-Size” cards, 2 “New Sub-Compact” cards, 2 “New SUV” cards, 3 Debt cards, a pack of BlackMan money

Object: Players start as an 18 year old black male high school graduate and make moral choices throughout the game possibly finding themselves at Black University, the military, the ghetto, or “GlamourWood.” First player to reach the “Freedom” space wins. It’s kind of like the Game of Life, except possibly worse.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It’s original intention was to show how tough life is for a young black man and how it’s not easy.

Why it’s not: Unfortunately, this board attempts to simplify a very complex problem by involving a parade of stereotypes which blurs the lines between satire and actual racism. Players are also giving numerous opportunities to commit crimes which will earn more money but make them more likely to land in prison. Those with enough money can hire the “Dream Team” lawyers and get off without punishment, which is an obvious reference to O. J. Simpson. However, there could be worse, right?

Available?: Might be out of print for all we know. Nevertheless, it’s now an app.

Bombing of England

Now this game was created by the Nazis to commemorate their bombing of England during WWII. Luckily the Germans didn’t win in real life. Also, the British have a game called Duel in the Dark which pertains to bombing Germany.

Category: War, Pinball

Players: 2-4

Contents: a holed map of Great Britain as well as several spring driven balls.

Object: Players fire spring-loaded balls over a map that contains Great Britain and parts of Northern Europe. Players score points for each target the ball settles on and loses points if they hit a Nazi occupation or ally. Player who scores the most wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: This game was created by Nazi Germany in 1939 as a propaganda piece.

Why it’s not: Uh, it’s basically a family board game celebrating the Battle of Britain in the most anti-British way possible. Seriously, it’s basically making light of cities being bombed, civilians getting killed, children having to be evacuated to the countryside, homes being destroyed, sleepless nights, and all the other crap the British had to deal with. Still, there’s one bombing German cities called Duel in the Dark.

Available?: Oh, God please no.

Public Assistance: Why Bother Working for a Living

Also known as, “The Game that Demonizes Poor People, Particularly if They’re Black.” Really paints a very degrading and terrible picture on how people live on welfare (many of whom are already working for a living but aren’t earning enough due to greedy corporate executives who want all the money for themselves). Another game the NAACP didn’t like and for good reason.

Category: Economic, Political

Players: 2-4

Contents: 63 Paper Baby ‘counters’, 54 Welfare Benefit cards, 54 Working Person’s Burden cards

8 plastic pawns in 4 colors, 3 dice, Money, Board

Object: Players move around the board in 2 different tracks “working person’s rut” and “able-bodied welfare recipient’s promenade.” The goal is to collect the most money after taxes once a pre-determined circuits around the board have been achieved. Spaces on the board contain various instructions on where to move your piece or how much money to receive or pay out. Players also collect “welfare benefit” and “working person’s burden” cards as they progress around the board.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Of course, this game’s creator intended to satirize the welfare system and why it’s unfair that hard earned taxpayer money has to go to lazy, poor, drug addled, delinquent, and baby popping bums.

Why it’s not: This is a very derogatory game toward poor people, especially blacks in which they’re portrayed as lazy, drug addled, delinquent, and baby popping bums who won’t go work for a living. Not to mention, it really paints an inaccurate and terrible picture of people on welfare as well as the system itself as a nanny state. It also fails to show the horrific realities of people in poverty who might have a good reason to be on welfare such as being under 18, disabled, having no health insurance, working multiple dead end jobs on minimum wage, homelessness, minimum job security, racial profiling, corruption of law enforcement, and living in a shitty neighborhood with high crime and crappy schools as well as lack of job opportunities. Nevertheless, being on welfare doesn’t relieve anyone from poverty or any of that. Seriously, why do people have to be such assholes when it comes to poor people?

Available?: Hopefully, the first edition is out of print since the NAACP tried to keep it off the shelves. But they recently re-released the game as “Obozo’s America.”

The Sinking of the Titanic Game

Though it’s marketed as an educational game The Sinking of the Titanic should really be labeled as “misinformational” at best. Seriously, not only is it an insensitive board game topic, it also gets the aftermath wrong. I mean they have the survivors scavenging for supplies in the islands with residing baboons. Playing this game might make you owe James Cameron an apology if you thought the 1997 movie was very historically inaccurate. Well, not compared to this.

Category: Nautical, Educational

Players: 2-4

Contents: game boards, retainer clips, 24 passenger cards, 18 sea adventure cards, 18 island adventure cards, 6 lifeboats, 20 food tokens (five of each color), 20 water tokens (five of each color), 4 ship’s officers, 2 dice, metal binder screw and post

Object: As the Titanic is sinking, players must race around and rescue passengers from their state rooms and rush them to the life boats before the ship goes under. After the ship sinks, they must get enough food and water by visiting islands and/or drawing cards to stay alive until rescue boats appear. The first one to make there wins the game while everyone else dies. Oh, and there’s a thing about gathering supplies and racing to the islands.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, this game was released in 1975 so it’s certainly not a tie-in to the 1997 James Cameron movie with Leonardo DiCaprio. So I’m probably going with the educational standpoint.

Why it’s not: You have to wonder where Milton Bradley’s conscience was during this game’s development. Now trying to educate people about certain historic events is one thing. But to make a board game about the greatest maritime disaster in history that left over 1500 dead? Well, you’re doing it wrong! Also, the racing to islands thing to gather food and supplies for the survivors, uh, that didn’t happen in real life. Not to mention the Titanic sank in the north Atlantic and I’m sure the survivors didn’t encounter baboons. Seriously, capitalizing on a disaster? You got to be kidding me.

Available?: It caused such an outrage in the UK that it was renamed Abandon Ship with the iceberg being switched to a coral reef. The premise was changed to saving the most passengers, too.

Vintage Underwear Advertising Through the Ages

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 8, 2015

Now underwear is a complex product in the advertising world. Sure most of us wear it and can’t live without it. Some wear it for comfort. Others for support or figure control. And some athletes wear it for protection. Actually we all wear it for protection as well as for comfort. Still, for a long time in history, there have been people who went without it because it simply wasn’t available or at least as we know it. But that doesn’t mean getting people to buy it is any less awkward. For instance, men might have a good time flipping through a Victoria’s Secret catalog but this doesn’t mean they’re willing to step inside an actual store, even if it’s to buy something for their girlfriend or wife. Still, when it comes to getting underwear for men, it’s usually safe to go with the tidy whitey option than go with anything too fancy. Just ask my father. Also, it’s preferable to shop for underwear for yourself or the kids if you have any. Nevertheless, while your conventional underwear ad usually had a model in the company’s undergarments, this wasn’t always the case. Now I can go on and on with all the great vintage underwear ads out there, but this would be a very boring post and I will never hear the end of it. So instead, I’ll show you some vintage underwear ads that seem a little more creative than they should be. Then again, some of them might’ve been designed by a guy who was deep in a Madison Avenue closet. So for your reading pleasure, here are some old timey underwear ads that might make you scratch your head or perhaps give you nightmares.

1. Moms, keep your child healthy and beautiful by buying them their very own corset.

Yeah, because internal organ damage as well as digestion and respiratory difficulties shouldn’t just be reserved for adult women. Also, men wore them, too by the way. Seriously, while the ideal waist was 18 inches, these constricting garments left precious little room for such necessities as internal organs. And that’s in adults. So perhaps corsets aren’t good for kids.

2. Jockey Junior Briefs have a nice comfy waistline that your kid and hold a gun in them.

Okay, say what you want about Plaxico Burress but at least he taught us that holding a firearm under an elastic waistband is a very bad idea. Of course, Plaxico Burress learned the hard way. Still, that boy has a very good chance of accidentally shooting himself in the thigh.

3. Hmmm….I wonder what Fred and Pete could be arguing about in the men’s locker room in their underwear.

Oh, they’re arguing about underwear. Still, for the many awkward situations in the men’s locker room, I’m not sure if this is quite realistic. Seriously, most guys would either be stripping down for showers or getting dressed. Not sure about the socializing in their briefs or tidy whiteys. If so, they wouldn’t be talking about underwear.

4. Back in the 1990s, Mark Wahlberg used to model for Calvin Klein. Here’s one of his underwear ads.

And it seems that Mark Wahlberg is just standing their clutching his junk. I’m sure he doesn’t want his kids to see this on the Internet. But I’m not so sure why. Still, the crotch area shouldn’t be held in any form of advertising, especially in an underwear ad.

5. Givvies boxer shorts get you off the seam! Even as you accidentally put on your shoes before putting on your pants in the men’s locker room.

Now I’m sure Bobby is just drying off the sweat after today’s golf tournament. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s about to snap the towel on Dave’s ass in order to engage in some unintentionally homoerotic horseplay.

6. As this 1950s ad implies, whatever went on in the men’s locker room stayed in the men’s locker room.

Hmm.. seems like Danny loves to see Gary dress after a practice or the big game during their wholesome conversation. Of course, they are probably talking all the manly stuff like sports, hunting, fishing, and chicks. Not sure about the last part.

7. During the 1950s, it was considered manly for two male roommates to engage in a good old fashioned pillow fight.

Yes, Bill and Henry are just roommates letting off steam by swiping pillows at each other. Nothing homoerotic about that. Just two guys getting at it in their underwear with some nice wholesome fun.

8. Wear Utica Bodyguard Briefs for the Annual Men’s Tidy Whiteys Golf Tournament of 1957.

If I saw a guy outside practicing his golf game in his underwear, I’d have to wonder about him. And that goes for men of all shapes and sizes whether they wear tidy whiteys or boxer shorts. Seriously, underwear ads tend to throw realism out the window.

9. Now with Munsingwear, even the most manly man can do the gardening in his tidy whiteys.

I’m sure this guy is digging in his tidy whiteys because he’s either too lazy to change into some proper attire like coveralls or cargo pants. Or he’s simply the neighborhood nudist who was recently told to take it down a notch.

10. Reis Scandals: So comfy that even an Army guy will publicly disrobe to show them off to his buddies at camp.

Let’s just say when servicemen spend lots of time together, privacy ceases to become an issue. Also, note the guy showering in the background. Yeah, sometimes what happens at the base, stays at the base.

11. In the olden days, it wasn’t unusual for men to talk of hunting and fishing while in their undershirts and briefs.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if I want to find out what they’re going to do with that fish. Also, they almost seem like they’re touching each other.

12. Of course, during the 1920s, it wasn’t unusual for men to hangout together for pool and strip badminton.

I don’t know about you but to me, it seems like a cross between The Great Gatsby and Foxcatcher. Must be the 1920s opulent settings and the unintentional homoeroticism.

13. Reis Scandals: So comfy that men would often disrobe themselves to show them off to their friends, even on a cruise ship.

Now men disrobing at the military camp is one thing. That I can understand with the lack of privacy in that situation. I’m not sure about the cruise ship. I don’t know it’s just that I find the idea of men showing off each other’s underwear as a bit gay so to speak.

14. During the 1950s, it wasn’t unusual for fathers and sons to engage in male bonding activities like having tea parties in their tidy whiteys and undershirts.

Okay, my dad and his brother were kids during the 1950s. And I’m sure that father-son bonding activities didn’t consist of tidy whitey tea parties. Seriously, who the hell thought this would be a great idea? It’s crazy.

15. Before the 1920s, it was fairly common for a bunch of guys to build human pyramids in their union suits.

At first, it doesn’t seem that weird since it seems like they’re in their pajamas. Then you realize that men actually wore these outfits as underwear. And you can’t help thinking such scene is hilarious.

16. 1950’s men’s locker rooms would sometimes become places of very awkward father and son conversations.

“So let me get this straight, Dad. Now after you and Mom got married, you put your who’s it in her what’s it, which was how I came about. Is that right?”

17. In France, men who wore blue speedo underwear would’ve been certainly bound to be noticed.

Of course, I’m sure the people looking at him don’t seem to be outraged at all. In fact, after he and his girlfriend leave the restaurant, they’ll all probably burst into shits and giggles.

18. For any man wanting to enhance their carpet of virility during the 1970s, there was the genuine mink jock.

Now I know that this jock pair is marked as “erotic apparel.” But I seem to find it anything but. In fact, I think it’s disgusting. Yeah, let’s assume that whoever came up with this was probably on some heavy brown acid.

19. For those awkward men’s three-legged races, try Skimpys.

Of course, these guys are just friends participating in a wholesome three legged race. And they just happen to be in their underwear. Nothing gay about that (sarcasm). Also, there’s got to be another guy in this ad and it’s kind of terrifying that we don’t see anything else than his leg.

20. “Back off, Jimmy, those are my striped boxers!” “No, Hank, but you can take my striped boxers if you can pry them from my cold dead hands.”

Still, I have to admit, these guys really seem to enjoy fighting over underwear while wearing their boxers. Not sure which one will get the upper hand or what they’ll do afterwards. Not sure where this is going.

21. Men who wear Munsingwears always have other men checking them out. But there’s nothing gay about it. Really, they just admire the comfort and stretchiness.

Now I don’t know about you, but I kind of have an idea where this is going. Seriously, I’m sure there’s no way these two guys are “just friends” or that they’re exclusively straight.

22. Be a new man with the Testosterone Radium Energizer and Suspensory.

Now that I know this is a type of underwear for men. But whether it’s for kinky sex or cold blooded torture, I haven’t the slightest idea. And I’m not sure what kind of guy would wear it.

23. “What do you mean I’m compensating for something, Larry?”

From The Advocate: “Boys! Boys! The only way this dispute can be settled is with a wrestling mat and some Wesson Oil!” Of course, I think that’s where this is going.

24. Nothing makes sexier underwear than a matching yellow mesh set of a T-shirt and briefs.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think many men would go for fancy underwear like that. Seriously, men don’t really care how they look inside. Also, that kind of fancy underwear makes these guys look as if they’ve just walked out of a San Francisco gay bar.

25. For a black man in the 1970s, there should be no reason why your underwear shouldn’t be funky and colorful.

Now these patterns are simply hideous. Seriously, these have to be the work of a men’s underwear designer going great lengths trying to justify his own job existence.

26. At Fruit of the Loom, all their men’s briefs come in a variety of fashionable colors you’d see in any football locker room.

I can imagine the black guy saying, “Dudes, why don’t you get some clothes on? I mean you two white dudes socializing while eating ice cream in your undies? That can’t be right. Not saying that’s gay or anything but…”

27. Jockey: as easy to wash as her stockings. Not sure if washing them in the bathroom is a great idea.

From The Advocate: “Sometimes I like to light up a cigar and wash my underwear at night. I try to be in the moment.” But I’m not sure if it was normal for a man to do such a thing. Besides, I’m sure the majority of men’s underwear out there is machine washable. So perhaps such scene isn’t really necessary.

28. “Hey, Roger, do you want to play a game of flag football in the locker room?”

I can imagine the football player saying, “Hey, guys, I might run across the field wearing tight pants and monstrous shoulder pads. But I sure look way less ridiculous than either of you do now socializing in your underwear.”

29. Nothing consists of quality father-son time like spending a day at the playground in their tidy whiteys.

I’m sure this ad is supposed to represent a wholesome father and son moment. However, in real life, it might result in the dad possibly being put in jail or on a sex offenders list. Yeah, fathers and sons don’t participate in male bonding activities in their underwear, especially outside.

30. At summer weddings, it wasn’t uncommon for men and boys to show up in their boxers and briefs.

Funny, I expected men and boys of that era to dress a bit more formal for such occasions. Still, they seem to have a lot of fun taking the decorations off the car and playing with a dog.

31. I’m sure this guy’s chest hair is actually a Rorschach test.

And for a moment, I thought that guy was Ted Danson from Cheers in the 1970s. Of course, you have to start somewhere. Still, not sure what to make about the chest hair.

32. Of course, there seems to be a fight about to break out between the tidy whiteys and the funky undies.

Then again, the funky undies crowd seems pretty chill. And the tidy whiteys guys really don’t want anything to do with the funky undies. Either way. I’d certainly wouldn’t want to associate with either team.

33. Now nothing brings young men together in a pool men’s locker room than a pair of swimming flippers.

Not only are these guys in obnoxiously tacky boxers, but I’m sure they’ll engage in an orgy with the flippers anytime soon. Oh, I’m sure we all experimented at that point in our lives.

34. Underwear in a tube! Well, that’s dynamite for you!

Actually “Dynamite” is a horrible name for an underwear brand. Seriously, no one wants to imagine exploding private parts. Doesn’t help that their underwear is rolled into a stick with a string. And is stored in a box.

35. Introducing the semi-brief.

Still, too be fair, there are some things that Judd Hirsch might want to keep private about his pre-Taxi days. This ad might be one of them. But the underwear he was wearing was so ridiculous, I couldn’t pass this up.

36. I’m sure an ad like this was intended to appeal to every man’s fantasy.

Because how else could you expect 3 neatly combed blond women on the beach with nothing but their underwear on? Seriously, folks, this seems way unrealistic and more or less in the realm of action movies or porn.

37. “With my new bra, I can put flowers in my hair and grab a bull by the horns.”

Yes, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Besides, I think this bull might getting a bit angry. So it’s probably best that she run for the hills. Now.

38. “I came in like a wrecking ball!”

Hate to break it to you, lady, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to swing by on a crane without wearing the proper safety equipment. This is especially the case if the crane has the potential to run into that building behind you.

39. “With my Maidenform bra, I can walk on a tightrope through the city at night.”

And I sense that this woman is well on her way to winning a Darwin Award. Seriously, does she have any idea how dangerous walking a tightrope over the city is? She would have better survival odds at the circus.

40. Back in the day, it was common for many women to get together for a masquerade, while wearing only a bra for the top.

Now I don’t know about you. But I kind of find the dancing masked bra ladies in the background to be quite terrifying. Of course, it’s one of the few instances where scantily clad women become the stuff of nightmares.

41. Be a wanted sexy gunfighter with your Maidenform bra.

Now I guess her name is “Sexy Sadie” Stripper. And I’m sure that she’s wanted for the G-String murders who allegedly forced her to dance on a table. She said the victims deserved it, however. I’m not so sure.

42. Get the natural support you need with the “nipple” bra.

Jesus Christ, if I wanted nipples showing through my shirt when I’m out and about, I’d just go with a cheaper option. Not wearing a bra. Seriously, why did this thing ever exist in the first place?

43. It’s said that a woman wearing Valentino lingerie becomes an object of her man’s desire.

Then again, there are some women who may become targets of stalkers. And some of those stalkers might be homicidal maniacs. I’m sure I wouldn’t want to be that woman the scary guy has eyes on. Really creeps me out.

44. For generations, Loveable has been selling comfort to women and girls of all ages.

Yes, but does that statement have to be surmised in perhaps one of the most awkward family photos ever. Seriously, there’s no way in hell I’d want have a picture with my mom and grandma in their underwear. I mean how could they think this was a good idea?

45. Nothing upsets the retirement home like seeing a nurse having her panties accidentally fall off.

Of course, this wheelchaired bound old man now can’t wait to tell his buddies about what he just witnessed. Yes, he’s a dirty old bastard but what can you do? Then again, some men can have a heart attack and die if such a sight excites them too much.

46. A padded bra helps distinguish a civilized white woman from a native tribal girl in the Pacific Isles.

Of course, it should be apparent to all of us that lingerie ads tend to be pretty racist. This especially goes for the past. Still, how they managed to get a topless woman on there I can’t explain.

47. There’s nothing more relaxing for a woman than frolicking in the forest with her friends wearing pink lingerie.

Of course, they’re trying emphasize that lingerie is comfortable. Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I’d frolic in the woods in that. And that doesn’t mean you should either. Might want to go with a sports bra for outdoor activities.

48. Wear your Maidenform bra so you can dance the Charleston.

Unless I’m drunk off my ass in Paris in the middle of the night, how the hell would I be able to dance the Charleston in that outfit? Seriously, the Charleston is a 1920s dance. And I’m sure these women posing for it weren’t around then.

49. Here’s some lingerie to help you look forward to Indian summer.

Of course, cultural appropriation is also prevalent in lingerie ads. And let’s just say we don’t want to offend Native Americans, shall we? Seriously, we don’t want to perpetuate the nubile savage girl, shall we?

50. When it comes to lingerie, cone bras and big hair are all the rage.

Of course, what baffles me about this ad is the fact how Cousin Itt managed to knock up a supermodel. Then again, he might give credit to the famous Burt Reynolds Cosmo centerfold.

51. Vassarette: The lingerie choice for sluts.

Basically, this ad states: “Ladies, if you wear our lingerie, you will get lucky or you’re a whore.” Note that you will never see such message on men’s underwear ads. Well, maybe not in that context.

52. Introducing the “don’t slip” slip.

Of course, this is the kind of slip women wear over their shimmering space age suits. I’m not sure why but that’s what the ad shows.

53. Apparently, back in the day, you can work out in your lingerie at the gym.

Hmmm…not sure if I agree with this ad here. Then again, they could be wearing a sports bra with an athletic girdle and garter belt with them. Not sure if the latter ever existed though.

54. After Vicky was kidnapped, she soon found herself forced to play DJ in her lingerie for the giant lady’s party.

Of course, if Vicky put on music that the giant lady and her guests didn’t like, then she’d suffer a most agonizing death by being cooked in a meat pie, ground up. Still, at least they let her eat donuts.

55. Now Liddy loves to feel the air on her breasts in the London fog.

Of course, she only has a limited time until some British policeman in a funny hat arrests her for indecent exposure. That, or distracting drivers into an accident at some intersection.

56. In the 1940s, nothing sold Formfit Life Bras than mutantly proportioned minxes uttering stupid not-too-dirty limericks.

Too bad Little Boy Blue is missing the chance for a real life dream. Yeah, you don’t get a mutantly-proportioned beauty in her lingerie like that every day, buddy. Too bad Little Boy Blue is too sleepy to notice.

57. Wearing a Maidenform bra gives you a great chance for women to engage in kinky private eye antics.

Yes, with her Maidenform Bra, handcuffs and hole punctured newspaper, Julia is ready to solve a mystery. Too bad the case at hand pertains to woman suspecting her middle aged and overweight husband cheating on her.

58. Since Beryl started wearing her Maidenform Bra, chess is now an elegant evening pastime.

My, what a big King there. Also, wonder where you can get those matching mermaid evening skirts with that bra. Still, seems like these women get their kicks above the waistline, sunshine.

59. In the 1950s, women were expected to turn a bold shoulder to summer in their lingerie.

What you see here was a rare ritual of 1950s sun worship in the sacred rite of the Stepfordian religion. Of course, they never tell you about such things. Still, the Stepfordian religion died down rather quick anyway.

60. When it’s spring, the tulips sprout as well as the tulip beauties that spring from them.

You may not know from this, but it’s well known that the mutant tulip women ate their husbands. Yes, they’re literal maneaters who are willing to kill again.

61. “Is every Movie Star this beautiful?”

My question: “Does every Movie Star even wear super conservative lingerie?” Of course, that one has an obvious answer: “No.” And I’m sure this ad wasn’t issued in the 1950s to say the least.

62. In your Maidenform Bra, you can ski down the Alps with your Saint Bernard.

Of course, she has no idea that the mountain weather can be quite chilly and unpredictable. Still, she’s certainly not dressed for the occasion by any stretch of the imagination.

63. In her Maidenform Bra, Henrietta was able to face the pool sharks who brutally beat her up and sent her to the emergency room.

Now she’s quite the hussy for a pool hustler. Of course, she tends to use her bra as a tactic against her male competitors who may be distracted by the sexy.

64. Remember, ladies, you can’t go stargazing if you don’t have the right kind of lingerie.

Since when do you need lingerie to go stargazing. I’m sure not having a nightie, girdle, or bra didn’t stop Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson from becoming an astrophysicist. Of course, I don’t think he’s the kind of guy I’d want to see in lingerie.

65. “Oh, yes, Og, I enjoy being dragged by the hair by you. Please abuse me.”

From Buzzfeed: “Obvious cringeworthy sexism aside, shouldn’t the caveman be barefooted? What is he, a Roman caveman?” Well, yeah, because I’m not sure if they had any sandals in the Stone Age. Of course, The Flinstones isn’t a reliable source for Prehistory, but like early man, they also went barefoot as well.

66. Girls, buy a set of 6 panties and get a free record.

Of course, it’s just a lousy single that only plays a couple of songs on it. Yet, at least your granny panties will all be different colors that will match with your pastel outfits. Guess they’ll do anything to sell to teenage girls.

67. “Remember, ladies, always wear a pretty pair of panties. Because you’ll never know when you’ll get hit by a car.”

Okay, so how is a pretty pair of panties going to help you if you’re involved in an accident? Of course, it won’t. Seriously, this is just sexist on so many levels. Nobody ever tells guys to put a handsome pair of briefs in an event of these things.

68. Of course, the lady editor wearing a Maidenform Bra tends to be quite kinky with the phone.

Of course, how she won’t get tangled in the phone wire I have no idea. Still, if you look at the hats, you find out that her job has something to do with fashion. Still, kind of disappoints me as an example of female stereotyping.

69. Just a mother and daughter spending quality female bonding time together in their underwear.

Not sure what to make of this, but it’s probably not as awkward with the father-son equivalent. Then again, it seems like these two have no sense of privacy whatsoever. Also, my mother would always make sure I was dressed (or covered) before she did anything with my hair.

70. With Jantzen lingerie, women can do anything.

However, girls, remember that you can be carried away by balloons while just wearing lingerie. So perhaps you might want to cover up first. Oh, and it seems that the dog’s carrying one, too.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 7, 2015

Now summer is a big season for music since it’s a time of year when musical artists are touring the country as well as the summer music festivals. So it’s no wonder why I decided to do yet another edition of vintage album covers you’d love to laugh at. For those who don’t know, the cover above is of Billy Joel’s 1980s album The Nylon Curtain which isn’t one of his best known albums but its cover does have a unique simplistic style a neighborhood at sunset in true minimalist fashion. Luckily, Billy Joel was such a noted artist in the early 1980s that his record company would certainly sent the best cover artist around even while the artist was dating models, going to parties, and drunkenly crashing cars into houses. Unfortunately, for those who relish in great album art like this, this post isn’t for you. So perhaps you should go to some website like Amazon or Ebay and look for the great album covers there. This is for crappy vintage covers that might’ve seemed like a good idea at a time, but are either dated or are a source of some unfortunate implications. Some might give you an idea that the cover artist was basically drunk or high on some mind altering drugs. Not sure if they had meth back then though. So without further adieu, here are some crappy album covers you and/or your parents might’ve forgotten about.

1. Eulenspygel 2

Well, looks like PeeWee wanted all the attention by himself so he made sure that his siblings would meet their gruesome deaths in the frying pan. Yes, that is one sick bird.

Hmmm….seems like farm chicks aren’t the innocent balls of fluff that we initially thought.

2. Larz Kelsterz Stuffparty 2

Seems like the music on this album appears to be inspired by Saturday Night Fever and ABBA. Of course, I can’t take this cover seriously with those garish golden polyester suits.

Possibly one of the pioneering albums in West German Eurodisco.

3. Black Sabbath Sabotage

The only positives about this is how one guy is wearing red tights and another is wearing a dress. Said to be one of the worst album covers in rock history. It’s said that the photo sessions of this cover were rushed and that it had become a victim of sabotage itself. Of course, it’s kind of fitting in a way.

Kind of makes me bummed seeing Ozzy Osbourne in what’s nothing more than a boring photoshoot. “Crazy Train” this ain’t.

4. Dave Stephens Organ Fascination

And not only any naked girl, one that seems like she really wants to get the photo shoot over with. Kind of like how a hooker wants to get it over with so she can take her cash and leave. Wonder if this album includes religious music, which would be all the more ironic.

Seems like the guy is so desperate to sell his organ music album that he put a naked girl on the cover.

5. Norberto de Freitas Trapalhadas do Balbino

Man, that guy on the cover really needs to see a dentist. Of course, some in America may swear they’ve seen a man like that on the Subway.

Didn’t know that Italians would be into hobo music. Then again, it might be opera hobo music.

6. Alison Angrim As Amy Carter Heeere’s Amy!

Sure she might be a sweet nerdy girl you might want to take home to mama. But, gentlemen, be warned that she can strangle you with her bare hands. If you’re a man who likes erotic asphyxiation, you have been warned.

There doesn’t seem to be anything sweet behind those oversized nerd girl glasses.

7. Music to Make Housework Easier

Okay, let’s get this straight. This woman is obviously not a housewife in any way, shape, or form. No real housewife would spend all day sweeping and ironing in business attire, even in the 1950s. It’s more likely that she’s a part-time working mom who’s taking a small smoking break who’s rushing to get everything done before her husband and kids come home.

Seems like she’s on her smoking break after she spent hours sweeping and ironing in her blouse, skirt, nylons, and high heels.

8. Heavy Load Stronger than Evil

Besides, I swear that Boromir almost looked just like that near the end of the first Lord of the Rings movie. Also, what’s with the face?

Either he’s not or good has a tendency to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

9. Battleaxe Burn This Town

Seriously, I think there have been more couch burnings in Morgantown, West Virginia with more bad ass flames than this. Wonder if this album art was done by a family member of the band. Because I find cover design hard to take seriously.

Sorry, but I don’t think that’s a very lame attempt for a scorched earth policy.

10. The Handsome Beasts Bestiality

Now I might not like a naked fat guy on the cover, but that’s not my issue here. My issue here is that they put a naked fat guy on the cover with a pig on an album titled Bestiality. Seriously, I think I have an idea of what’s going on and think it’s depraved.

Okay, I have a very bad feeling where this is going.

11. Nelson Because They Can

Now two guys in long blond wigs is one thing. But two dogs in long blond wigs like that? Now that’s just freaking hilarious. But to the dogs, it must be humiliating.

Possibly the most honest album cover I’ve seen for a long time.

12. Ethel Merman The Ethel Merman Disco Album

For those who don’t know who Ethel Merman is, she’s an early 20th century singer best known for singing show tunes and appearing on Broadway musicals. Why she did a disco album is anyone’s guess. Then again both Broadway and disco tend to have a gay fanbase.

Seems like your grandparents’ artists will do anything to stay relevant or appeal to a new generation.

13. Jonah Jones I Dig Chicks!

Of course, as to why they had all those girls on the back hoe without any proper safety equipment, I have no idea. Seriously, this cover photoshoot seems to use the same amount of safety procedures as Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” video.

Interesting way how your put the gay rumors to rest.

14. Scorpions Animal Magnetism

I’m sorry, but whenever I see a guy standing towards a kneeling woman looking up at him, I tend to imagine something I really can’t mention at the moment. And the dog seems anticipating this. Still, not sure if the beach is the best place for that. Might need a change of venue.

Was this band even warned that their album art might not be suitable for PG audiences?

15. Fireballet Two, Too…

Now guys in leotards and tights is one thing. But hairy guys in tutus from the 1970s? Now that’s crazy. Guess the guy who thought this up must’ve been on some powerful hallucinogens.

Just a bunch of hairy men in the 1970s getting in touch with their feminine side. Despite the fact real male ballet dancers don’t wear tutus.

16. Alix Dobkin Living with Lesbians

Either the people in this photo are very butch lesbians in very but clothing, which might perpetuate obvious stereotypes. Or they’re all men, since it doesn’t seem apparent to me that any of them have boobs.

As a heterosexual woman, I don’t often say this, but I think the women shouldn’t be wearing such loose clothing, if they’re women at all.

17. Jose Angel Madre Soy Christiano Homosexual

Still, stereotypically speaking, he more or less resembles a guy you’d see at a Jimmy Buffett concert in Florida. But yeah, the coming out bit to his mom via album cover is pretty funny. Perhaps he’s better off telling her face to face. Then again, she probably knew anyway for years.

Translated as: “Mom, I’m a Christian Homosexual.”

18. Millie Jackson Back to the S**t!

Then again, she was just back from her Tijuana vacation with the runs shortly before the album’s release. Perhaps the bathroom shot was the best they can do at the moment. Still, it’s very much in poor taste. Really, I don’t anybody wants to see that.

As to why you’d want to promote your album with a glimpse of the most private moments of your life, I have no idea.

19. Butch Yelton and Upbound Swing that Gospel Axe

Okay, now if that guy swings that ax, he’s bound to inflict bodily injury on somebody in this photo. Other than that, seems to resemble more of a folk rock album from the 1970s, than anything featuring Christian music. Are these people trying to make themselves look like the Christianized ripoff to CCR?

For the love of God, no way in Hell! Seriously, you may hurt somebody.

20. The Murk Family Love for All Seasons

Now I like flowers as much as the next person. But I have to admit, that floral pattern is hideous. Let’s just say that there are some moments of 1970s fashion that nobody wants to repeat.

Of course, it was mandatory that everyone match for this photoshoot. So Mom decided to make outfits with the family tablecloth.

21. Elsie Brooks Elsie Brooks

This was Elsie’s idea for her album cover. She wanted to get closer to her roots while she was a struggling stripclub dancer at The Gaylord Club. She often wore the feather boa outfit in her act as well as danced with streamers.

Seems like she’s doing some dirty dancing with the typography.

22. Mike Terry Live at the Pavilion Theatre – Glasgow Vol. 2

Seems like Liberace was such a success in the United States that the Brits wanted a flamboyantly gay concert pianist of their own. Seems like Mike Terry happened to be it in his sparkly attire.

And I thought there was no gayer concert pianist than Liberace.

23. The Glitter Band Hey!

What’s even funnier is that I’ve actually played a song by Gary Glitter in high school and college band. Of course, their song “Rock and Roll Part 2” has been played at American sporting events for time immemorial. However, it’s said that Gary Glitter himself has been convicted of sexual abuse and child pornography since the 1990s.

Of course, I have to apologize that these guys are definitely not from the future or outer space. They’re from the 1970s.

24. Les Baxter Space Escapade

Still, you have to hand it to them that these guys aren’t prejudiced. I mean they’ll take yellow girls, pink girls, purple girls, etc. Also, wonder what’s inside those pots. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.

Seems like Captain Kirk isn’t the only human space horndog in the galaxy.

25. The Peacemakers My Faith Still Holds

Of course, this Christian group would’ve gone with “The Police” but it was already taken. Still, not sure why the men are wearing police uniforms and the woman is clad in Cruella De Vil’s summer dress.

Your faith might still hold but I’m not sure if you can get out of jail for this one.

26. Colonel Sanders Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic

Seriously, if this is supposed to be a Tijuana picnic, then shouldn’t the family be eating Mexican food instead of KFC? Then again, the Colonel would probably lose some business to Taco Bell. Still, this is just a case of blatant product placement and geographical inaccuracy.

Seems more like a Kentucky Fried picnic to me as the Colonel intended.

27. Mike Adkins Thank You for the Dove

Now Mike Adkins is the kind of guy who once had a great career, a loving family, and was a hit at a party spouting tall tales and jokes galore. Then tragedy struck that he became a shell of himself. Of course, the dove is the best thing that’s ever happened to him since….the accident. So perhaps we should cut the guy some slack for once.

I’m sure his hand will soon be covered in birdshit as soon as the white dove can fly.

28. The Singing Postman The Best of the Singing Postman

Seems friendly enough. But of course, he probably had to turn to music since he was said to sleep with every woman in town. But I’m not sure if that’s for being a mailman or a musician.

Or as some people call it, “Music to Irritate Your Dog.”

29. Tino Por Primera Vez

Still, don’t know what to make of that short shorts and polo outfit. Or the pose where he’s spreading his legs. Kind of disturbing if I look at it. Still, album is probably aimed at teenage girls.

Guess this boy must’ve been the Justin Bieber of his day in Latin America.

30. Francisco y Fernando Vamos a la Playa

Well, it’s translated “Come to the Beach” even though neither have chests you want to write home about. But they seem to give each other the male gaze so to speak. Not sure if they’re “just friends” or have a love that dare not speak its name. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Hmmm….two shirtless guys at the beach with their backpacks. Wonder what can go on there.

31. The Celebration Road Show Amazing Grace

Now having a cute little kid juxtaposed with the homeless old guy with a bottle in his and sitting near an empty pit. Wonder what those two images have in common. And what the hell is the drunken old guy doing on a Christian album?

They decided to go with the cute kid in hopes that nobody would notice the old drunken homeless man.

32. Dan Betzer and Louie Dan Betzer and Louie Tell the Bible Classics Vol. III

Wonder if this album includes the story of David and Bathsheba or the Song of Solomon. Then of course, it’s probably catered to children. So no double entendres or David raping another man’s wife and having her husband killed.

Because nothing makes Sunday school more fun than listening to Bible stories told by some Middle Eastern clad ventriloquist shepherd and his shepherd dummy.

33. Music to Paint By

Still, I don’t think either one of them is in appropriate housepainting attire, which is crap clothes you can throw away. Also, I’m sure dancing isn’t a good idea when you’re holding paintbrushes either. I mean paint can really get in your clothes.

Now there’s an album you can listen to as you and your spouse put another coat on the living room walls.

34. Man with a Horn

Not sure if this woman wants to blow him or his trumpet. Of course, he usually blows out of his own trumpet anyway. Then again, maybe we should leave it up to the imagination.

Kind of like Fifty Shades of Grey but with more blowing action and a jazzy soundtrack.

35. Lenny Dee Down South

Of course, it seems like he’s distracted by the ballerina on a water surfboard. Still, for those who’ve seen my vintage postcards, it should be obvious he’s in Florida. Either that or just on acid.

A motorized raft for your piano? Now I’ve never seen that before.

36. The Phineas Newborn Trio “I Love a Piano”

Of course, she’s likely to hump a a leg that’s mahogany with a fine varnish and great curves. Still, I’m sure cuddling up with this kind of hard wood is sure to cause splinters.

While she does love legs, she prefers them as sturdy as they are graceful.

37. Music for Your Plants

Okay, now this is just ridiculous that it makes an album for your pets seem normal. Seriously, do plants even listen to music? Can they even hear at all? Nevertheless, I think hiring an orchestra for your ivy and ferns is just beyond crazy.

Now there’s even an album for your houseplants to listen to.

38. Cees Verschoor Dutch Sax

Hate to inflict some political correctness, but I think the outfit is a bit stereotypical. If not, then anachronistic or possibly more appropriate for a polka album. Still, at least she’s in high heels and nylons. But for God’s sake Dutch people don’t dress like that. Never have.

Didn’t know people in the Netherlands even listened to jazz music, let alone saxophone.

39. The Ventures Walk Don’t Run

Not only that, but the lead female singer was so much in rehearsal mode that she absolutely no idea what was going on. Of course, all the male members had to go to the hospital and the tour was cancelled.

Seems like the band experienced a little accident due to all the male members fighting over the pretty lead singer.

40. Smethin’ Smith and the Redheads Crazy People

Then again, all three could be reenacting their favorite sexual fantasy on the cover. Besides, those nurse outfits look like they’re straight from Mindy’s Sex Shop than any hospital.

I’m sure these guys don’t mind being in straitjackets at the funny farm with all those sexy nurses taking care of their needs.

41. Bert Kaempfert and His Orchestra If I Had You

Don’t look now but I think she’s giving the kind of face that says, “Ask me for a drink again and I’ll plan to file a restraining order against you.” Basically if a woman gives you a look like that at a bar, then she’s obviously not that into you.

Or as I call it, “Love Songs for the Singles Bar.”

42. David Carroll and His Orchestra Contrasts

Okay, now this guy is either in an old timey bathing suit or his pajamas. But we’re all sure he’s certainly distracted by the sexy. Still, why they thought an image like this was a good idea, don’t ask me. Oh, wait it was the girl in a bikini part.

Seems like old timey bathing suit guy really has a thing for the girl in the striped bikini.

43. Les Compagnons de la Chanson

Well, I guess this was probably the only place available for an album photo shoot. Still, I’m not sure a junk yard is an appropriate photo op destination for an album I definitely know doesn’t consist of rock music. Also, I think the tuxedos make the guys look a bit out of place.

For some reason, these guys don’t strike me as a garage band. Must be the tuxedos.

44. And God Gave Me a Fix: The John 3:16 Cook Story

Now I know this is a Christian album, pertaining to how Jesus saved a guy from a heroin addiction. But still what’s with the big hand inserting a crucifix into a guy with a hypodermic needle. Seriously, if this is about a guy finding God and overcoming a heroin addiction, I’m not sure if you want to use motifs pertaining to drug use. Talk about being high on Christ. Good God.

Love the tagline “From Junk to Jesus.”

45. Oral Roberts We Are Partners

Hate to offend anyone, but Oral Roberts in this reminds me of the kind of businessman who’d swindle his company of millions before heading to the Mexican border while he sets up his partner as the fall guy. That, or some Wall Street banker who was born with the character flaw of having no conscience that he robs millions through his own Ponzi scheme. Definitely not someone I’d want to shake hands with.

Oral Roberts wants you to embrace the true spirit of Jesus and shake his hand.

46. Joe “Fingers” Carr Honky Tonk

Sorry, fellas, but I’m sure your typical Old West prostitute never looked as pretty or clean as this woman. And I’m not sure if she wore a black silky outfit with fishnet stockings either. But yes, she might cater to the BDSM crowd. Can play either dom or sub.

Because nothing brings in the spirit of the Old West like a saloon floozie reclining on the piano.

47. Hugo and Luigi with Their Family Singers When Good Fellows Get Together

For now let’s hope for the best that these guys aren’t just fresh out of their AA meeting. Still, I guess this will result in at least one guy falling over or at least messing up with the lyrics. Yeah, drinking isn’t always the best activity between friends.

Because when good fellows get together, they all sing and hug each other while getting drunk.

48. Don Elliot and His Orchestra Music for the Sensational Sixties

Seriously, who the hell thought this would make a great album cover? It’s utterly ridiculous in my opinion, especially with the motorcycle and space bit. I’m sure what he has on that album won’t remind anyone of the 1960s anytime soon.

Nothing makes a great futuristic album than having a French horn player riding in a motorcycle in outer space.

49. Dr. Murray Banks How to Live with Yourself…Or…What to Do Until the Psychiatrist Comes

Seems like the waiting room at a psychiatrist’s office has the potential to be a rather interesting place. Then again, maybe you should go see a therapist after being in a room full of nuts like these.

Guess if you buy this guy’s album, you’re probably questioning your sanity by this point.

50. Les Feres Jacques Es Fessey

Now I’m not sure what distresses me about the French. The fact that Jerry Lewis has a considerable French fanbase or this album cover. I mean all these guys seem to want to spread their cape out and garner all the attention. Not sure why. Still, pretty ridiculous to say the least.

Guess everyone has to be the guy in the top hat and cape, do they?

The Wonderful World of Regatta Floats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 6, 2015

Every year on the 4th of July the city Pittsburgh hosts an annual Three Rivers Regatta. Well, they had it this year except they didn’t feature the boat stuff since it had rained a lot lately and the water was too high. Besides, there was a lot of debris floating in the rivers anyway. But they kept the other stuff in. Still, technically a regatta is supposed to be a series of boat races usually pertaining to sail and row boats. It’s usually a competition among amateurs. But it’s a formally structured event with comprehensive rules describing the schedule and procedures. Nevertheless, most of them are done for fun. Still, take the boats out of the Three Rivers Regatta, and it’s not really a regatta at all. It’s just a 4th of July festival. Nevertheless, there all kinds of regattas depending on the type of boat or particular area with most taking place in the summer. You might have a regatta organized by the rich snooty yacht club consisting entitled Ivy League prep school brats on their row boats. But these I’ll show will pertain to boats that have a more creative or humorous spin to them. So without further adieu, here are some lovely regatta floats you might want to see.

1. Well, at least we know that the giant whale didn’t swallow anybody.

Still, I think this float looks quite awkward with this boat not having the cover down the middle. Reminds me of a fish skeleton of some sort.

2. So is this for the regatta or the air show?

Probably regatta because highly doubt that this plane could fly. But whether it will float, I’ll have to see for myself. Hope it doesn’t get too wet.

3. All these people wanted was a nice raft with a cottage house covered with ivy.

“People navigate along the Lielupe river as they participate in the milk carton boat regatta in Jelgava August 30, 2014. Thirty eight teams used about 40,000 empty milk tetra packs to build rafts as part of the XIV International festival of milk, bread and honey.” from Reuters. Still, I wonder if that structure or the people on it will cause some accident of sorts.

4. All you need for a regatta float are a couple of barrels and a bathtub.

And I see they gave the bathtub a paint job. Not sure if that will help. Also, hope there’s nothing in the barrels.

5. Guess Cinderella has to leave the pirate ship party by midnight.

Hope Cinderella doesn’t share a dance with Captain Morgan. Heard that guy really has a drinking problem. Then again, most Golden Age pirates were former sailors impressed while drunk at a tavern. Seriously, it’s no wonder they loved their rum.

6. Seems like we have a man overboard with the large truck on a raft.

Well, at least he has a life jacket on so I hope he lands in the water. Didn’t know they had a Sweet & Low upholstery service.

7. For a regatta float: If you don’t have cardboard, then barrels and a trampoline will do.

Well, I’m not sure if bouncing on a trampoline is a good idea in a body of water. Of course, they’re wise to have some safety procedures.

8. Got a swing set in your yard? Why not build a boat out of it?

And for a patriotic touch, they painted it red, white, and blue. Sure wonder whether they’re using the swings.

9. Now this is a manly kind of float that’s included with studio wrestling.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure if engaging in WWE antics will help win the boat race. Perhaps these two should just spend more time rowing than fighting.

10. Sure you can make a regatta float, but you can’t make one that might also serve as a tiki bar.

Of course, I wouldn’t be surprised if this float was built in Hawaii. But, hey, at least these people have a roof over their heads. I just want to know the maximum weight.

11. Nothing makes a better regatta float than one of a rat over raisins.

Okay, now this is quite disturbing. Not sure why anyone would want a rat float. Rats are disgusting vermin. And a giant one is the stuff of nightmares.

12. Looks like it’s a job for the water caterpillar.

Unlike real caterpillars, I’m sure this one helps with landscaping and construction in Atlantis. Then again, if it did, it would’ve been a submarine.

13. There are regattas that have races for sail boats. Yet, some tend to go on with a ship.

Seems like a boat like this can go with sails and rows. Wonder why they have rope ladders to the masts.

14. Introducing team log jammer.

Wonder if they’ll get to see their photos of themselves as they go down the waterfall portion. Like they have at Splash Mountain or Kennywood in my neck of the woods.

15. You heard of the Batmobile. Well, prepare to meet the Batcanoe.

I’m sure the real Batcanoe would be far more impressive. But this kid looks quite cute rowing it and it’ll probably stand a better chance of floating, too.

16. At the regatta, it helps if you spruce up your amphibious vehicle with an umbrella and flowers to give it a nice cozy feel.

Of course, with the color scheme, I would’ve sworn it was more suited as a construction vehicle. And find the flowers and umbrella a very odd decorating scheme, indeed.

17. Ahoy, mateys! Get on board the ol’ pumpkinship.

I think there’s an actual regatta with pumpkin boats as far as I’ve seen on Google Images. Still, how they managed to find pumpkins this big to carve out, I’ll never know.

18. Of course, even a giant pencil can make a great canoe if you put in the effort.

Hope it doesn’t run into the writing paper raft. Because any marks it leaves will leave to smudges if they’re ever erased. Well, in some pencil boats anyway.

19. You can always build a float out of barrels and piping if you set your mind to it.

Now I wonder who the hell thought of adding a canopy like that. Just seems quite alien to me. Then again, maybe it was designed by someone from another planet or galaxy.

20. When it comes to regatta floats, you can always decorate it as a 1950s hangout.

Let’s hope nobody falls overboard during the sock hop. Because that certainly won’t be cool, especially if it’s a woman wearing a poodle skirt. Love the LP decorations though and the pink.

21. Yes, your boat may be cool, but does it have its own waterslide?

Okay, not this looks like fun. Sure it’s not a great photo since it’s shown at a distance. But sometimes you have to take what you can get.

22. It’s been said that beer cans tend to be the best material for boats for those who want to build one.

This might be from a beer can regatta in Australia which takes place around the Christmas season or before March. Still, if I saw that many beer cans to build a boat here, I’d wonder if any of the crew members have a drinking problem.

23. Oh, look there’s a shark and it wants to eat us!

Now I know this is a regatta float with a Jaws theme and I’m sure the shark isn’t real. Still, I’m wondering if these kids are going need a bigger boat.

24. Now this regatta float theme is, a tribute to Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger.

Yes, a regatta float tribute to a great pilot of great competence and know how who became a hero of the Hudson. Still, I’m sure this won’t fly though but who cares? It’s the thought that counts.

25. We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine.

Of course, in a regatta float post like this, you should know that a yellow submarine float was coming. Still, I’d really would want a yellow submarine float picture from a different angle than this.

26. Now this regatta float was made possible by your neighborhood crazy cat ladies.

Let me guess, this float is manned by a bunch of middle aged to elderly women who are either lesbians or terminally single that they see cats like their own children. Then again, they could just be a bunch of cat hoarders who take in any feral feline they can find which is very much ill-advised. But I really don’t want to be stereotypical here.

27. Like the ill-fated 1912 ship, this Titanic float seems headed for disaster.

But unlike the real disaster, there will probably be no major fatalities from this sinking. Of course, you have to be careful with cardboard, especially if you’re on a boat made from that stuff.

28. Of course, at any regatta event, you’re eventually bound to run into a pirate ship.

Of course, it’s probably as an accurate rendition to a Golden Age pirate ship as you see in the movies. Still, because of pirate movies, I’m sure these people have no idea what real Golden Age pirates actually did.

29. When it comes to river transportation, you can’t do better than double decker bus.

What’s surprising about this float is that it’s in a Canadian competition. Which is strange to me since I always associate red double decker buses with Great Britain. Then again Canada was once a British colony.

30. Now your regatta rowboat always needs an intimidating figure head. I’m not sure if this one cuts it.

Reminds me of a cartoon sketch in which a Viking is trying to buy a boat with a gruesome figurehead only to find that all the boats have cute little animals on them. However, unlike that sketch, I really think this duck head was intentional.

31. These two pilots seem to be flying high in the open water.

Of course, while duct tape does make a great adhesive, it’s also great for decoration on floats like these. Still, wish I can see the whole thing but photos can only fit so much.

32. Big wheel, keep on turnin.’ Proud Mary keep on burnin.’ Rollin,’ rollin,’ rollin’ on the river.

And boy, what a big wheel it is that it seems so vastly out of proportion to the boat it’s attached to. Seriously, look at the thing. It’s freaking huge!

33. Well, at least during the regatta, there will be an ambulance standing by in case of a boating accident.

Of course, I’m sure this float is too small for any real medical emergencies. Still, it’s pretty clever. Not sure if it’s from Great Britain though. Probably not.

34. Show your patriotic spirit at the regatta with this American flag raft.

Whoever did a raft like this has way better drawing and painting skills than I do. Still, at least they used crates and barrels.

35. Hate to know what’s coming out of that funky trailer truck smokestack.

Now this float is said to be sponsored by the local food bank. However, I think it's just a front for Willy Wonka. Seriously, no semi discharges smoke like that. Not in a million years.

Now this float is said to be sponsored by the local food bank. However, I think it’s just a front for Willy Wonka. Seriously, no trailer truck discharges smoke like that. Not in a million years.

36. Play the guitar? How about a guitar raft?

Yeah, I think this guitar really isn’t for playing since it’s derived from cardboard. But it’s a pretty accurate rendition, artistically speaking, that is.

37. For their regatta float, these people decided to take their whole house with them.

Of course, this is too small to be a real house as well as much prettier than what many people could afford (as a real house, that is). Still, this team must have a very good designer or architect.

38. Look out, here comes two girl rowers on an aircraft carrier.

Now I wonder if this event is just a regatta or some weird form of Battleship. Seems like it’s made from Styrofoam which I highly advise against as a packing material.

39. Well, at least the people on this float have a place for their private business.

Sure it’s nice to go with the whole rustic Texas theme. But I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to perpetuate possible stereotypes about yourselves. You don’t want people to get the wrong idea about you.

40. For your regatta float, you can’t go wrong with the turtle.

Now this is definitely a pumpkin float if you look inside. And I’m sure it’s only made for one person. Still, wherever this guy lives, I’m sure the pumpkins there have some kind of abnormality that makes the grow excessively huge.

41. Hey, look, is that the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine?

Just for the record, Scooby Doo is a horribly written mystery cartoon about a group of teenagers who travel in a hippie van with their oversized dog. Oh, and the villains are usually people in monster masks. Seriously, couldn’t they just have the villains not wear the masks sometimes? Like real murder mysteries akin to Agatha Christie, Dashiell Hammet, Raymond Chandler, or Arthur Conan Doyle?

42. Nothing makes a regatta float than one of a dead possum covered in duct tape.

For those familiar with Canadian Television or PBS several years ago might get this reference. For those who don’t, well, it’s pretty hard for me to explain.

43. Remember, a couch may be comfy to sit on. But it also makes a rather handy flotation device.

Of course, I have to make a special discretion for those at West Virginia University. Remember, you can do more with couches than just burn them in the event of a victory party at your sporting events. Seriously, couch burning is illegal in Morgantown. In fact, it’s illegal anywhere, especially if the couch in question is not yours.

44. For those hard to reach spots, a crane truck can do just fine.

Not sure if it actually works. But it seems to do quite well in the water and really stand out. Got to appreciate the magic of cardboard.

45. Seems like this pirate ship has too many people rocking the boat.

Looks like they have to throw a man or two overboard before they could get ship shape. Either that or at least perhaps try to give the boat an equal weight distribution.

46. Of course, what’s a regatta if you don’t have an old timey riverboat there?

Nevertheless, from what I’ve read, real steamboats weren’t the safest things and were very prone to catching fire. So this cardboard cut out is probably much safer than the real thing.

47. Introducing the one and only water dragon.

Not sure how they manage to keep this one together before it was in the water. Oh, yes, ropes. But still, will it be in one piece at the finish line? I’m not so sure.

48. Of course, when it comes to regattas, even Disney fans want to cash in on the action.

And it seems that these people are avid fans of Aladdin. I mean they have a Genie float after plans for a magic carpet raft fell through.

49. Want to decorate your float but don’t want it to sink? Remember, that pool toys are just as good decorations as any.

Not sure if I share these girls’ taste in decorating. In fact, I actually think this float is kind of tacky. But I’m sure it’ll probably not sink as long as it’s not carrying more than its capacity.

50. In ancient times, it wasn’t uncommon for people to build sail boats out of aluminum beer cans.

Actually, I’m just kidding about that. This is probably for a beer can regatta in Australia. But still, it kind of gives you an impression that it was used during an ancient civilization.

51. Now a float like this can take any spectator into the Prehistoric Era.

Well, if you imagine the Prehistoric Era akin to what you see on The Flinstones or in some stupid Creationist museum in Kentucky. Still, that T-Rex seems to come straight from some cheap theme park, not Jurassic Park.

52. See the Pharaoh being rowed on his Nile River cruise by his royal attendants.

Now I don’t have an issue with the boat here even if the side is in hieroglyphics. What my problem is with the guys in red hats. Seriously, those are Pharaoh hats for Lower Egypt. I’m not sure if there should be 2 of them.

53. I’m sure this Viking boat will make a grand addition at Valhalla.

Now these guys may like Vikings. But I’m not sure if they know a lot about them. For instance, real Vikings didn’t wear horned helmets. Seriously, it wouldn’t be practical in the heat of battle.

54. While some race on the regatta by boat, some just take the shuttle.

And by “shuttle” I mean space shuttle. Of course, it may not take these girls to space. But it just as well might take them to the finish line, which is just as well.

55. Of course, if you’re entering a regatta with your Sunday school class, you’d probably do a float of Noah’s Ark.

Now this doesn’t look like a good rendition of Noah’s Ark. And believe me, I saw the Darren Aronofsky movie. Then again, these people were on a tight budget so their cardboard ark is understandable. Darren Aronofsky on the other hand…..

56. Of course, nothing at the regatta makes your team look fierce than having a pink dragon boat.

Now I get the dragon. But I’m not sure about the pink other than to really stand out. On the other hand, there whole scheme might be about raising breast cancer awareness.

57. Oh, my God, it’s the cops. Quick, let’s get out of here before they make us pull over.

My mistake, it’s just a couple of people having a good time in a float that happens to be of a police car. Yeah, sorry for the false alarm here.

58. Not I’m sure this team has a real shot at winning one of the regatta races.

Now I don’t know about you but sometimes a float of a hypodermic needle can be a fine line between clever and intimidating. I mean my dad squirms when he sees needles being injected onscreen.

59. Nothing makes a regatta worthwhile than having a float with a brightly colored macaw on it.

Of course, this macaw seems like a rather happy camper to many. Still, quite colorful to say the least.

60. Of course, this barrel monster is sure to strike terror in the souls of competitors.

Of course, this sea monster might not be anywhere near intimidating. But I’m sure the plastic barrels will do just fine in regards to flotation.

61. If they row any faster, I wonder if this boat will fly.

Of course, it won’t fly even with the propellers spinning. But you got to hand it to them, it sure pays to be in the shade.

62. When it comes to regattas, everyone should be able to float their own tree houses.

I’m not sure if anyone could fit in that house. But these kids really seem to be proud of it even if it’s made from cardboard.

63. Seems like someone wants to really hammer in the competition.

I know this is for Australia’s Darwin Beer Can Regatta. Still, I can’t help but wonder whether the owners may be cheating.

64. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the Ill Eagle.

Now this might be a play on words here. But I’m sure this is from an American team where the bald eagle is its national symbol.

65. Hmmm….not sure if I’d want fries with that or not.

Still, you have to question whether this might add on to the obesity crisis in America and abroad. Seriously, let’s just say that fast food isn’t for me. Nor will it ever be.

66. Nothing makes a regatta like a float of a pink jeep.

Now I’m not sure whether it looks badass, clever, or tacky. May be a combination of all 3 for all I know.

67. For all I know, this Energizer Bunny float can just keep going and going.

Wait a minute, is that really an Energizer Bunny float or just a pig with sunglasses? If so, then where the hell is its drum? If not, then I’ll put it on here.

68. Of course, in case of a fire, we have a firetruck and other emergency vehicles standing by.

$Sure it might be a bit redundant having a fire truck on the water. But still, the water could be contaminated with flammable chemicals for all we know like fracking fluid. So it pays to stay on the safe side.$

Sure it might be a bit redundant having a fire truck on the water. But still, the water could be contaminated with flammable chemicals for all we know like fracking fluid. So it pays to stay on the safe side.

69. Have a duck float and pretty soon everyone is going around making duck faces.

Then again, it may be a swan or a goose for all I know. The bill doesn’t seem ducklike to me for some reason. But the costumes certainly do.

70. Now this hotdog float is bound to give the $5 foot long a whole new meaning.

Okay, maybe not since the $5 foot long is from Subway. But I’m sure that you wouldn’t want ketchup or mustard on this thing in the very least.

71. Now by Thor’s hammer, this is a Viking ship well fitting for any regatta.

Now something tells me that the crew will be wearing horned Viking helmets. I’m sure this will give the Mighty Thor and Loki a facepalm.

72. For those who like motorcycles, now you can ride one on the water.

I’m sure whoever designed this float must either be in a midlife crisis or compensating for something. I’m not sure what else. Seriously, motorcycles are called by a different name in the medical field for a reason.

73. Seems like this guy wants to take up a foot in regards to the competition.

Now I’m sure we all wear sneakers. But how many of us have a sneaker boat? I’m sure there could only be one.

74. Of course, you can always seem to hop to it at the regatta with this froggie float.

Now this may not look like Kermit. Then again, it appears pretty demented as if it has no soul to speak of. Still, its tongue seems to be in the water.

75. For those who look forward to Shark Week, a float like this might be for you.

Now Jaws begins when a shark devours a woman swimming on the beach. In this case the woman is using the shark as a rowboat. Reminds us of how far we’ve come.

76. Got a rusty old farm truck? Perhaps you should make a float for it with some rusty barrels.

Now I’m sure this is probably a Deere if it’s in an American regatta. Of course, at least it’s carrying an appropriate load.

77. Now there’s nothing better than having a regatta boat of a bunny or mouse.

Okay, that's definitely a mouse. But at least these people seem to make the whole regatta sort of a family affair. Even if it's subjecting the kid to wearing mouse ears.

Okay, that’s definitely a mouse. Then again, it may be a bunny. But at least these people seem to make the whole regatta sort of a family affair. Even if it’s subjecting the kid to wearing bunny ears.

78. Why use oars to move around when you already have water wheels on each side?

Not sure if it does away with oars completely. But even if it doesn’t, it still looks pretty cool. Wouldn’t mind having one of those myself.

79. Only at a regatta could you make a caterpillar out of a bathtub.

Now the picture in the window is obviously photoshopped. Still, you have to hand it to these ladies for their creative spirit.

80. Well, if anyone needs a snack, there’s always Dunkin’ Donuts.

Still, you don’t want to have too many if you want to look good in a swimsuit. And this goes for women and men here. Or if you don’t want diabetes or other health problems like obesity.

Not So Fun in the Sun Swimsuits

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 18, 2015

Whether used to cover up private parts while swimming or fanservice, swimsuits have always been a mainstay in our culture since modern times. Now while recreational swimming has been a mainstay of civilization public or otherwise, most people basically wore the same type of outfit they’d wear for sleeping: absolutely nothing. And this went for both genders of all ages. However, the first swimsuits weren’t made just to put on the cover for the Ye Olde Sports Illustrated swimsuit contest. In fact, they were to deter such a thing since it would’ve been improper for a woman to show her ankles. Of course, in much of the 18th and 19th century it was also fashionable to be pale, too, so nobody wanted to risk their white skin to sun exposure. They also had bathing machine cabanas on wheels that allowed women to change into their bathing suits in complete privacy during this time. Of course, early swimsuits weren’t well known for their practicality since they tended to be made of wool and took a long time to get in. It had to take the Olympics and the 1920s to have swimsuits be seen as anything suitable for the swim team, at least for women. Nevertheless, when it comes to swimwear aesthetics, most women tend to have it easy since the one piece, two piece, and the bikini have come on the scene. Men’s bathing suits on the other hand, well, a man’s ability to look good in a swimsuit is heavily dependent on his body type regardless of the outfit. Now I can go on and on about the great swimsuits you’d find at the beach, but I don’t want to put Sports Illustrated or Victoria’s Secret out of a job. Instead, I’ll feature swimsuits that you wouldn’t want to be caught dead in at the beach. Some of them might be a tad bit or borderline inappropriate as well as wardrobe malfunctions waiting to happen (which is why this is tagged NSFW). Some are plain impractical and possibly more suited for a Northern Alaska or New England chapter of the Polar Bear Club than anything. And some are just either plain ugly or tacky, possibly both. Still, the wearers I have in this post will most likely be gorgeous models these swimsuits were made for since I don’t want to shame people’s bodies in this post. This is about the outfits, not the people wearing them contrary to the purpose of a lot of swimsuit competitions or swimsuit photos which are certainly intended for fanservice. Also, if a swimsuit looks ridiculous on a gorgeous model, it’ll probably look terrible on you. Still, there are some exceptions. Not to mention, some things here may not be safe for work. So without further adieu, here are some tacky, ugly, and poor taste swimsuits for all of you to see.

1. Now I have no qualms about bikinis, but I do wish the bottoms should adequately cover a woman’s genitalia.

If you look closely, you can see this woman’s bikini bottom doesn’t quite cover her between the legs as it should. And as for posting this photo, it’s really on the borderline between PG -13 and R because I try to avoid showing pictures of exposed private parts (sans boobs). But I’ll have to make this an exception because I’m sure it happens at a pool or beach all the time, where you see people of all ages. If your swimsuit bottoms run the risk of wardrobe malfunction, it’s time to go to the store.

2. Now here is a picture of very slutty swimsuit worn by pro swimmer Annette Kellerman in 1907, which got her arrested in Massachusetts for indecent exposure (and I’m not making this up).

Of course, Kellerman wasn’t a fashion model by any means. She was a swimmer and performer who pretty much invented synchronized swimming. She wore this get up for practicality since women’s swimsuits weren’t really designed for actual swimming. But she caused such a scandal because it exposed her body form which was a Victorian no-no. Of course, today, it would seem more like gymnast attire than anything.

3. Of course, vaginal wardrobe malfunctions don’t always have to apply to bikinis or two pieces alone.

While this woman might feel sexy in this one piece bathing suit, I see this outfit as a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. Call me a prude, but I think a swimsuit bottom should be designed similar to underwear as well as cover the hips for support. Hate to see what the back looks like.

4. While the rare sight of washboard abs is a sexy and magnificent sight on the beach, a leopard print speedo is not.

Of course, I always considered leopard prints tacky for some reason or another. But still, the guy looks sexy despite it. However, I tend to recommend that most guys stick to trunks instead of speedos for obvious reasons.

5. Back in the 1890s and early 1900s, it wasn’t unusual for women to wear a 2 piece swimsuit. And by that I mean a knee length dress and bloomers. Sometimes even tights.

Now in the Victorian and early 20th century, modesty was the best policy even in swimwear. Showing too much leg or a collar bone would’ve gotten you arrested for indecent exposure. Same goes for men. However, if you were a woman who wanted to actually swim, these weren’t for you. But, too bad because as far as swimwear went, you didn’t have any legally viable options.

6. Sometimes bikinis are much easier to assemble if they have straps in the midriff.

Now this is actually a reasonably fine bikini without any need for improvement. Well, except cutting the white midriff straps with a pair of scissors because they’re so non-essential and make the outfit look ridiculous.

7. When it comes to string bikinis, sometimes there can be too many strings attached.

Leopard print aside, if that woman can’t keep her string bikini up right without the large strings at her midriff, then it’s a terrible swimsuit. Also, the look can use some scissors.

8. When buying a string bikini, make sure that you buy a top that closely corresponds with your bra size.

Now I know this is a fanservice shot. But while the bottom is fine, the top part should be below the breast, for God’s sake. This woman’s obviously doesn’t. Still, while this chest look might seem sexy on her, most people wouldn’t.

9. Nothing makes a great swimsuit pattern than of cats shooting eye lasers.

Hmm…this is an interesting case. Now this is quite funny, but would I really want to wear it at a pool party? Probably not.

10. If you think speedos are bad, you should see when they’re attached to the neck.

Okay, now this seems to be a cross between a speedo and a high school wrestling get up you’d see in Foxcatcher. As bad as speedos are in swimwear, they guy looks much better without the neck strap. Might want to give him scissors.

11. Sometimes one piece swimsuits are so skimpy for women that they seem to come with a bunch of straps to hold them together.

I’m sure she’ll run the massive risk of a wardrobe malfunction. Well, if she’s caught by the villain and her only means of escape is cutting through those straps. Also, I’m sure if enough straps break on both sides, well, it’s going to be embarrassing.

12. Now a shark bathing suit. Hmmm….wonder if anyone would take a bite out if it.

Now I know sharks play a vital role in the ecosystem and yes, they shouldn’t be killed by humans like they are right now. But since there have been people attacked by sharks, well, this probably won’t go well with them.

13. When it comes to two piece swimsuits, you can always get a bright green one with elaborate trimmings.

Okay, while the bottom is fine, the top is pretty disgusting. Seriously, it just sags from the breasts. Swimsuit tops aren’t supposed to do that.

14. Back in the day, men were just as obliged to cover their chests as women.

Now you’d think a fat guy would actually look good in one of these outfits. Turns out that’s really not the case, especially the top is a skirt.

15. When wearing a bikini, the top waistline must be below the breasts, not on them.

Now it seems this top on a string bikini is too small for this woman’s possibly plastic surgery altered big boobies. Also, please get a bikini top that corresponds to your bra size. Like I said, this pose wouldn’t be sexy if a normal woman attempted it.

16. When wearing a swimsuit, you always want to look neat and tidy, not like you’re a rescued castaway from a deserted island.

Now Melanie was a deep sea diver who was stranded on a deserted island in the Caribbean. She tore her blue diving suit into shreds just to be more comfortable. This is her when she was rescued.

17. Now with the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey, there is now a dominatrix swimsuit line.

I’m sure this beautiful purple getup comes with its own cat o’nine tails. Great for the pool, beach, or sex dungeon. Featured in a movie called BDSM Beach Party Bingo.

18. Now this spiky one piece is equipped with a flotation device at its waist.

This would be a great swimsuit for those at the beach who fear drowning and sharks. However, tends to make the wearer look like a complete psycho.

19. For black tie beach parties, this tuxedo one piece is for you.

Well, assuming that you’re a girl and among the help. Other than that, I’m not sure why anyone would want to pull off a black tie beach party.

20. This swimsuit brings a concept of string bikini to a whole new meaning.

I don’t know about you but I think this model should’ve had a hell of a time putting this damn thing on. I can imagine the possibility of being tangled among the ribbons.

21. Of course, in recent trends, swimsuits have become skimpier and skimpier.

I’m sorry but this is way too sleazy as a bathing suit and doesn’t look good on anyone. Seriously, I can totally see the possible wardrobe malfunctions on this one.

22. “My infiltration into the ladies’ room was a cinch.”

I’m sure this guy forgot to shave his beard. And legs. And armpits. Still, I’m sure the guys in the county pen will get a kick out the notion of a guy being arrested in a swimsuit like this one. This might be a woman’s swimsuit even the fact he could fit one of these is kind of disturbing.

23. Fringes always tend to make a swimsuit look more festive at the beach.

But long fringes also have the potential to weight the swimmer down while they’re in the water. Yeah, long fringes on swimsuits aren’t a good idea.

24. Of course, a true Tolkein fan always wear a swimsuit of Lord of the Rings.

I’m sure this will have all the girls ogle at you, but not necessarily for what you think. Seriously, this swimsuit has more hot guys on it than what many would typically see on a beach.

25. I wonder how long it took her to be laced into a swimsuit.

Let’s just say while this might look good on a model, it won’t look good on a normal person. Also, might take a long time to get in. But if you’re into figure control or kinky BDSM stuff, this might be for you.

26. Nothing says fun in the sun like a swimsuit top made out of lifesavers. Now that gives a whole new meaning to the word, “eye candy.”

Let’s hope that these aren’t real lifesavers because odds are that she’ll probably be arrested for indecent exposure. I mean real lifesavers dissolve in liquids like water and saliva.

27. When it comes to women’s swimwear, sometimes the one piece suits have interesting areas for the breasts.

Now I can see why the straps are essential on this one. However, I’m sure it doesn’t really deter the potential for a wardrobe malfunction. Seriously, I’m not sure if any woman can wear that.

28. Now this swimsuit is guaranteed to make any woman look like a badass.

By that, I mean as if she had been wearing it while escaping from some gigantic monster in the jungle that part of it was torn while she was caught in a much of thorns. Yeah, she looks totally ripped, but I don’t mean in the usual context.

29. Think your swimsuit is missing something? Just add more fabric.

I’m sure what she has on underneath isn’t much better. But still, I think the upper part kind of weighs her neck down. Also, I’m sure it takes a long time to get into.

30. Though conventional women’s swimsuit culture always states that less is more, this isn’t always the case.

“Well, we put them in the laundry and somehow they seemed to shrink for some reason.” Still, a string bikini should cover your entire vaginal region, not just part of your pubic area. Seriously, that’s disgustingly vulgar. And for heaven’s sake, think of the children who have to see this.

31. Now this is the kind of swimsuit that begs the question, “How are her boobs covered in this?”

Now being apparent that she only covers her boobs with her long flowing hair, I’m sure that no woman should wear this swimsuit. Seriously, I think you’d be arrested for indecent exposure if you ever dare wear it in public.

32. A swimsuit like this can turn any woman into a bonafide action heroine with sex appeal.

I swear this is the kind of get up that says, “Yes, I’m a badass sexy fighter, but I still need the white male hero to rescue me so we can make sweet love in the end. And I don’t care if he’s old enough to be my dad or looks like Paul Giamatti.”

33. Seems all this woman is made of is just skin and bone.

Oh, my mistake, it’s just that her swimsuit depicts a skeleton. But still, one piece or not, it’s kind of disturbing.

34. Of course, you can’t attract all the guys on the beach without a one piece of faux black leather.

Recommended for dominatrixes and doubles as a BDSM gimp suit. Cat o’nine tails not included. Guaranteed to make you look like a goddess in the pool party or the sex dungeon any day.

35. Sure she can be all skin and bone. But inside she’s all muscle.

Yeah, I’m sure we all want to see your muscles like that. Seriously, lady, get some skin on for a change. At least a naked body doesn’t look that disturbing.

36. Thought regular speedos were bad? Wait until you see one on a guy’s shoulders.

Of course, we all remember this moment from Borat but Sacha Baron Cohen could pull this off better than a lot of men. With a man less fit than he is, you’d be much more obliged to turn away.

37. Need to fancy your swimsuit up a bit? Add a nice big bow.

I don’t know about you but something tells me that putting a big white bow on a swimsuit kind of makes it look stupid. Ditto with the green straps, too.

38. Of course, when I said that swimsuit bottoms should be similar to underwear, I’m sure multicolored tidy whities doesn’t come to mind.

Now these don’t just look like any pair of tidy whities, but ones you’d see on a young boy. Yeah, not something a grown man should wear at the beach, or anyone else.

39. Now this overstrapped bikini is well suited for the beach, swimming, karate, and combat.

Rumor has it that this was the original costume design for Leeloo in The Fifth Element. It was rejected for a more practical design as Milla Jovovich got tangled when getting in and out of it. So it was marketed as a swimsuit instead.

40. Don’t have a swimsuit? Crotchet one.

Hmm….now while crotcheting your swimsuit may seem like a good idea, remember that most old fashioned swimsuits were made from wool. And I’m sure that’s not a viable swimsuit material. Just saying.

41. Though she managed to find a suitable bikini bottom, I’m not so sure about the top.

This is known as a triangle bikini and it’s crocheted. Still, while the bottom is fine, I don’t think the top part adequately covers her nipples. Seriously, I can totally see them. Might be suitable for porn but not on the beach.

42. In Japan, men’s swimsuits tend to be designed in ways you’d never think possible.

While this swimsuit adequately covers a man’s junk, it has the unfortunate side effect of inducing a massive wedgie. Seems like someone is trying to justify their job’s existence.

43. While the male speedo may remind you of Channing Tatum from Magic Mike, this one reminds you of Channing Tatum from Foxcatcher.

Yep, that swimsuit definitely reminds me of a high school or Olympic wrestling uniform. And let me say, while Foxcatcher is way better than Magic Mike, I’m sure most fangirls would more likely flock to theaters to see male strippers than Olympic wrestlers and deranged, homicidal billionaires.

44. Of course, when getting a new swimsuit, some people tend to see themselves as better looking than they actually are. Others tend to buy swimsuits that wouldn’t look good on a model in the first place.

Yes, I think this one can leave room for a wardrobe malfunction in the nether regions. But while donning a conventional bikini would not put her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, it would’ve been at least a more modest choice.

45. We all know that Armani specializes in men’s suits. But did you know that they also design swimsuits as well?

Now I’m sure this one piece is best suited for those formal black tie pool party affairs, if they even exist. Even if they did, I wouldn’t be caught dead in that.

46. If you ever thought there was nothing in swimwear ever worse than a speedo or a thong bikini, just wait until you see this guy.

Now this is basically a combination of the speedo and the swim thong. And it’s not pretty. Seriously, I can’t even think of any reason why a guy should wear this.

47. Hmm….swimsuit or gym leotard? You pick.

Of course, this might be a good swimsuit if you’re in the Polar Bear Club, but still. Nevertheless, I’m not sure long sleeves belong on a swimsuit. I’m just saying since most people wear them during the summer.

48. “Help, help! Somebody’s groping that woman’s breasts!”

Oh, wait, that’s her swimsuit top that resembles hands on her breasts. Also, the guy’s wearing a necklace with pot leaves on it. Explains a lot about the woman’s swimsuit is picture and the fact that both of them are totally high.

49. In the 1800s, men’s swimsuits had to cover his entire body from neck to toe and tend to resemble something like pajamas in the modern day sense.

They were also made from wool like the ladies’ and were just as impractical. But if you were a man in the 1880s and dared to go topless, you could be arrested for indecent exposure. So too bad.

50. Hmmm….though it’s supposed to be a man’s swimsuit, I’m confused on whether it’s meant for swimming or semi-nude rock climbing.

It’s said to be sexy in the picture but I’m just not buying it. In fact, I think it resembles more like a harness than any swimsuit I ever saw. Also induces wedgies.

52. When it comes to mesh swimsuits, there are always limits in transparency to consider.

Of course, this person thought a mesh swimsuit should show as much of the body as possible. While the bottom is covered all right, I’m not sure about the top in which the nipple areas are covered with stars.

52. Swimsuit or get up for action movie sex object?

Whenever I look at this one piece, there’s always a question I beg to ask like, “Does it have a back?” Seriously, her ass needs to be covered, too, and not just by a G-string.

53. With this swimsuit, you’d swear this was made to elicit fanservice in lederhosen during the 1970s.

Now let’s just say, less would definitely be more with this one. Sure it may not really look like lederhosen, it’s just the word’s pretty funny. Still, either way, the paisley bottom has got to go.

54. Don’t have a swimsuit? Well, make one from a plastic bag. That will solve everything.

Of course, he’ll always have to wear underwear if he plans to actually go to the beach in that. Still, I think it would make more sense if he just buys a pair of trunks at the store. Seriously, wearing a plastic bag makes you look like an idiot. Besides, plastic bags rip apart easily.

55. Boobs too big for the top on your two piece? Cut some holes and air them out.

I think the bikini tops shouldn't have holes in them. Seriously, why would anyone want to wear something like this?

I think the bikini tops shouldn’t have holes in them. Maybe that’s just me. Seriously, why would anyone want to wear something like this?

56. Now I think this idea for a swimsuit consisted of, “So instead of a speedo, how about we make sure that the guy’s genitals are covered and supported by one hip instead of two?”

As if you didn’t know if men’s swimsuits can get worse than the speedo. Think again. Seriously, why in the hell would any guy wear this?

57. For the fan of Superman, go to the beach in some super trunks.

Sure they may be made for adults, but I can’t help thinking that these are better suited for a seven-year-old. I’m not sure why. Oh, wait, they kind of resemble what you’d see on little boys’ underwear.

58. Shimmer in this bathing suit as you venture out for your pool party.

Sure she might shimmer in that bathing suit, but can she actually swim in it? Actually I don’t think she could. Also, remind me of some scantily clad villainous queen in a sci fi movie.

59. Sometimes in string bikinis, the strings are attached where they should and should not be.

Now looking at this, she looks as if she’s wearing a swimsuit as well as some form of figure control or action outfit. Still, this swimsuit can do without a few strings to say the least.

60. Introducing: The ta-ta top.

Man, I’d sure like to see when the police arrest her for indecent exposure. She’ll certainly have an interesting conversation. Talk about a big misunderstanding.

61. For a more festive look on the beach, I’m sure a fringed two piece will do you just fine.

Of course, if it was brown, I’m sure this swimsuit would make you look like you’re playing a Native American in a porn movie. Luckily, the blue color doesn’t get one called for that cultural appropriation.

62. It seems like she has to flaunt around leaving nothing to the imagination.

Now this is seriously disturbing. I mean, this lady should really get some muscle on her and skin. Nobody wants to see that, honestly. Save maybe a few necrophiles and medical students.

63. With Muslims, they have modesty swimsuits for women which are required by law in some Middle East beaches (if allowed). Still, don’t know what to think about CGI screen green.

I’m sure if you put her in a CGI green back with a green screen and you wouldn’t see much of her. Seriously, I swear many people in CGI animation wear outfits like that in Hollywood every day.

64. Nothing brings summer in than a swimsuit depicting Jaws and The Little Mermaid.

I’m sure a swimsuit like this is guaranteed to traumatized little girls as it becomes apparent that the shark is about to devour Ariel. Then again, Ariel isn’t one of my favorite Disney princesses and was kind of an idiot to exchange her voice for plastic surgery so she can be with a guy she just met.

65. Now I’m sure this idea for this swimsuit consisted of, “How about we use some weird shaped plastic pieces and the stuff you use to hang your clothes and make a two piece out of that. The girls will love it.”

Now I don’t know about you but what are the odds that this was designed by a guy who was a bit too into action movies? Seriously, it tends to look more like male eye candy than anything. Also, I wonder what it looks like in back.

66. Hmmm….wonder if this guy is wearing that for swimming or some nude athletic competition.

Yes, it looks like something Borat would wear but this outfit doesn’t resemble an overstretched speedo. Still, I’m sure a guy wouldn’t want to wear something like this for fear that he might look like a total idiot.

67. In the 1800s, it wasn’t unusual for women to frequent the beaches wearing swimsuits of long dresses and bloomers.

Yes, these are old fashioned 1800s women’s swimsuits. Not something you’d see in Sports Illustrated by any means. And of course, they weren’t practical in regards to actual swimming. But I’m sure if you show your ankles, you’d be arrested for indecent exposure.

68. You heard of ugly knitted Christmas sweaters right? Now here is an knitted ugly swimsuit for the holidays?

Now I’m sure this is available in places like Australia and New Zealand where Christmas falls during the summer. Still, I’m not sure about the unicorn and the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

69. Now this swimsuit comes with plenty of adjustable straps for your comfort and convenience.

Now I’m sure this swimsuit was totally not designed for fetish fuel (sarcasm). Still, adjustable straps or not, this model wouldn’t look good if we added a little flab, a few stretch marks, and perhaps 10 more pounds.

70. I’m sure wearing a bikini like that, the boys will certainly go nutty for her.

However, I’m sure she might want to watch out for critters, particularly squirrels who might find her acorn breasts tasty despite not being ripe. Yeah, I’m sure she’d want to stay away from the forest and the oak trees.

71. Introducing the Mr. Nice Guy swimsuit.

Now the reason why we call him Mr. Nice Guy is that he’s very chill when he’s high on pot and tripping balls. Still, like the tie dye. But I’m not sure if this is appropriate swimwear in most states other than in Washington and Colorado.

72. Now this is what a swimsuit needs, bright colors and diamond shapes.

Now the colors consist of hot pink, reddish orange, and PennDOT yellow. Still, can’t help but think that this seems what a young woman would wear in an action movie, particularly if it was with James Bond.

73. If it weren’t for the hot pink, I’d be sure it was in some Native American style.

Now I wonder if this is a form of cultural appropriation due to the presence of seemingly Native American jewelry. Then again, I’m sure Victoria’s Secret tends to offend everybody. Also, I’m sure the pink get up is fetish fuel for sure.

74. Nothing makes it fun in the sun like a swimsuit made from body paints.

For those thinking about having a body paint swimsuit, my advice to you: don’t. Seriously, do you know why she has her hand between her legs. And I’m sure she’s a model so she could get away with it while most people would get arrested.

75. For those yearning for childhood videogame nostalgia, this Nintendo Game Boy one piece is for you.

Hmm…let’s home the guys don’t try to push her buttons too much, especially on her butt. Still, I wonder why a woman would want to subject herself to this. Then again, to each her own.

76. When it comes to swimsuits, some people want them to be clear and blue like the ocean.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sure this was made from some kind of sheet that’s supposed to wrap around her. Also, I’m not sure about the bottoms being cut around the middle. Still, makes her look like a comic book super heroine like Storm’s mutant sister Tsunami (whom I made up at the spur of the moment).

77. In speedos, some are harder to get in than others. Luckily, this one has a zipper in front.

I’m sure the zipper really helps keep the junk under wrap, as long as it’s totally zipped. Still, there’s a reason why we have buttons on top of jeans. And I’m sure this one has, “standard male grab area” written all over it.

78. I call this one the State Auto swimsuit since it has minimum coverage for minimum budgets.

However, sometimes on the beach I’m sure that minimum coverage won’t do, especially when you’re putting yourself at risk for a wardrobe malfunction. Seriously, do people have any decency when it comes to swimsuits? As far as beaches and pools go, you want to play it safe with the swimsuits.

79. For Star Wars fans, say hello to this R2 D2 one piece get up for pool parties a long, long, time ago in a galaxy far, far away…..

Okay, now when R2 D2 tends to save everyone’s ass in the Star Wars movies, I don’t think viewing R2 D2 as sexy is a good idea. Still, I’m sure the geeks will love it.

80. Now this 77 two piece is sure to bring you into the team spirit.

Hate to say this, but I’m not sure whether this is a swimsuit or a powderpuff football sex costume. Either way, you can bet that some teenage girl’s father is certainly not going to let her wear that. And not for religious reasons either.

The Strange World of Ceramic Mugs

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 15, 2015

Ever since humans learned to make something to carry their consumable liquid and put their food on, it wasn’t long until they started wanting to have their personal drinking vessels to carry some personal touch. Thus, ceramics have become an art form as well as a practical house ware ever since. In fact, every civilization on earth basically has their own set of decorated ceramics and there are many archaeologists who can tell you where certain ceramics are from and what they were used for based on decoration alone. Of course, mugs are such a common feature in daily life that you can buy one from basically anywhere but the grocery store. Seriously, you can buy one as a souvenir if you go on vacation or if you want to buy someone a present. Nevertheless, in our 21st century, most people use mugs for their drinks as well as have them customized to their own designs. Some have pictures, some have words, and some don’t have anything at all. People have even made their own mugs in pottery classes. Now I can go on and on about all the great mugs out there, but you’d think it would be boring. So instead, I’ll show some of the tackiest mugs out there you wouldn’t want to miss. So for your reading pleasure, here are some specimens from the strange world of ceramic mugs. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work. Don’t ask. Oh, and not all will actually be made from ceramic by the way, it’s just the default material.

1. If you love peacocks, then this set of mugs would be simply to die for.

Now if I saw these at a person’s house, then I’d question their taste in interior housewares. Seriously, I expect these to be found at a house with at least one pink flamingo on their lawn minimum.

2. Now this mug tells you exactly what it’s for.

Now if there’s a chemist or chemistry major in your life, this would be the perfect gift for them. And yes, that molecule is caffeine, the pick me up for the masses.

3. Now I’m udderly confused? Is this used for milk or tea?

Now this is a Cow Breast Shaped Milk Glass Mug. You heard me. I’m sure no milk is coming from those udders or in them. Perfect for the dairy farmer’s morning coffee.

4. If you’re looking for something to give a person who loves the 1980s and videogames, this is the perfect mug for them.

I’m sure this Atari game mug will bring anyone into feeling 1980s nostalgia. That, or help someone stay awake long enough to play videogames.

5. For the golfer in your life, this one will help them improve their game before venturing to the country club.

Of course, I wonder if it’s more suited for those who play miniature golf. Just a hunch. I mean the golf club and ball are really, really tiny.

6. “All right, stop right there, give me your coffee or your life.”

Now this is the gun every gangster reaches for first thing in the morning, every morning. Tony Soprano must have one of these or I’ll be damned. Seriously, it’s a perfect coffee mug for him.

7. Once you’re done your coffee, you can use this mug to recycle it and protect the planet.

Yes, this may appear eco-friendly. But I wonder if it goes with similar mugs that resemble a garbage and biohazard bins respectively. Also, is this one for paper or plastic?

8. With this Black Knight mug, if anyone but you shall drink from it, then they shall die.

Of course, unlike the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, this one doesn’t come with limbs to hack off. Which kind of takes all the fun out of it.

9. For the chemist or anyone majoring in chemistry, this mug is great whether in the home or in the lab.

Of course, if you want to use it for both lab and home, make sure you wash and dry it before either use. You don’t want anything unfortunate happen like an accident.

10. Practice your basketball skills with this mug of a ball and court.

Of course, it’s best for hot chocolate so you can put the mini marshmallows through the basket. Also great to drink from during March Madness.

11. This mug seems to stand on its own two feet.

Of course, I don’t know what to think about the human feet though. Seems kind of creepy in a way. Like something from a creepy surrealist film.

12. A guy always needs a cup of joe before he goes behind a bulldozer.

Now I’m sure this kind would make any male construction worker a laughingstock at work. Then again, maybe not. Still, pretty clever.

13. I’m sure the dial tells how hot your coffee is inside.

Then again, it might be for show. Still, it’s said to be a hotrod type coffee mug. But it looks Steampunk to me for some reason. Even in bright red.

14. With a mug like this, those knuckles will come in handy while you’re in a dark alley and know how to use them.

Of course, getting in a fight with this mug might ruin its use as a drinking vessel. Still, not sure how these would fare in hand to hand combat. Banned in Canada.

15. Get up in the morning with a cup from R2 D2.

R2 D2: most likely the most underrated character in the whole Star Wars franchise. Seriously, if it weren’t for this ornery and courageous little droid, the good guys would be sunk. Yeah, basically saves everyone’s ass.

16. Though coffee is seen as a morning beverage, ninjas tend to drink it under cover of darkness.

Of course, this ninja is cute. But still, real Japanese ninjas didn’t dress in black. Their penchant for invisibility was psychological. Rather they typically dressed like peasants who no high ranking Japanese samurai would suspect. Oh, and most ninjas were samurai in Japan.

17. For couples, you always want a distinctive mug to distinguish from your significant other.

I try to keep any images of private parts to a minimum. But since these mugs are among the worst things to give any couple, I had to make special mention. Seriously, I’m not sure if anyone would want to be seen at home with these, let alone in public.

18. This battle designed mug was made to handle anything.

Now how is in the hell is this a battle designed mug? It looks like it was made from plastic, which isn’t the strongest material. Oh, you can put your guns on it. Seriously, why does this even exist?

19. When on an assignment, photographers love to get some zoom in action from their morning brew.

Let’s hope a real photographer doesn’t get this camera lens mug mixed up with a real camera lens. It can get awkward.

20. I’m sure when you see a yellow triangle with an exclamation mark, you should know not to mess with the contents.

Unfortunately, someone didn’t listen and pulled the plug. Resulted in a massive spill of hot coffee all over. Luckily no furniture was damaged.

21. For the more modern artistic type, this is one of the sleekest mugs money can buy.

Hmmm….not sure if it’s practical as a drinking vessel. Also, seems a bit too artsy for my taste. I think a conventional mug is perfectly reasonable.

22. If you like to drink your coffee the way you sample soup, this slurp mug is for you.

Know what this can also be used for? Soup, no less. Also, you can even hang it on a hook if you want. Man, I wonder what they cost on Amazon.

23. Of course, some people tend to lose it when they get angry and need caffeine.

Remind me to stay away from the guy who owns this mug. Seriously, flunking anger management really doesn’t say much good about you, especially if your name is Bruce Banner.

24. This mug makes you drink your coffee as if it’s from a porcelain pop can.

Man, I wonder if the ancient Chinese drank from porcelain pop cans. Probably not. Still, doesn’t give off the aluminum after taste doesn’t it.

25. Hmmm….I wonder if that person’s drinking from a turd or is it just me?

Love the slogan on this: “Is it just me or is everything crap?” Well, I think it’s just then. But on the hand, many of the farmers in my neighborhood use cow shit as fertilizer.

26. Now this mug doubles as a boombox if you turn it on the side.

Now this doesn’t actually play music since it’s painted on. But you get the idea. Okay, c’mon, use your imagination.

27. Ever wish you guys can drink beer from your cowboy boot? Well, now you can.

Well, if you’re Cinderella of the Wild West, that is. Then again, she seems to leave one of these when she had to leave the hoe-down. Not sure if Sheriff Charming will follow her home.

28. Alas, Poor Yorick for Hamlet hath fashioned you into a drinking vessel for his morning joe.

Now I’m sure people will freak out if you drink something from this one like red wine. Even if it is made from porcelain.

29. I’m sure this mug will store your milk and your cookies in the same place.

Kind of strange that the mug has a human face with a big mouth. But at least it doesn’t devour them. Still, quite a nifty device if I do say so myself.

30. When it comes to drinking decaf, some people can be so judgmental and it shows.

Well, sure decaf is for wimps but it’s like drinking coffee for the taste and not for the reason why most people drink coffee. Kind of defeats the whole purpose.

31. You’ve heard about coffee with donuts. So how about some coffee in your donut?

Now this would be a great mug to give that neighborhood police officer. Then again, he’d probably appreciate an actual donut much more.

32. Now this is the kind of mug you’d want to give to somebody who loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

Okay, napalm may not be radioactive but I’m sure it’s quite explosive and you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near it. Still, this grenade one is pretty crazy. At least it doesn’t blow up when you pull the pin.

33. For Sesame Street fans, this Cookie Monster mug will store your cookies and your coffee. And I’m sure your kids will love it.

As tacky as it seems, you can’t hate this mug for God’s sake. Seriously, everyone loves Cookie Monster even though he’s not the best role model on Sesame Street since his dietary choices aren’t the greatest. But we love him anyway.

34. Now this mug is able to indicate to your company whether to talk to you or not.

When it’s full, it means they can’t communicate in complete sentences. When it’s half, it means they can’t carry on a conversation. Only when it’s nearly empty, you may talk.

35. Seems like someone prefers their coffee on the Dark Side.

And I’m sure if he doesn’t like it, he’ll probably force choke you until you suffocate to death. Must be a complete hell working for a guy like that. Cue “Imperial March.”

36. Now this is a coffee mug that seems like 65 million years in the making or hanging around in the Jurassic Park souvenir shop.

However, I’m not sure why anyone would want to go to Jurassic Park. Seems like going to the park is an absolute death wish.

37. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the boob mug.

Now this would be a great souvenir mug for some strip club or sex shop. Very bad commemorative gift to buy for anybody.

38. Now this cow mug tends to stand on its udders.

I’m sure there’s no milk in these udders but I’m sure it’s tacky enough to go with those peacock mugs. Then again, it might be even in more poor taste.

39. Now this coffee mug appears to come from out of this world and land in some undisclosed location.

I wonder if they sell these on Roswell. Probably do. Seems like those crazy UFO seekers will go anywhere to see a flying saucer land, especially at a location of a recent UFO sighting. Hate to know what the aliens put in their coffee, if they drink it at all.

40. Since there’s an obsession with women’s butts, I thought this would be an appropriate mug for our times.

Of course, this would be a great coffee mug for Kim Kardashian. Then again, I’m not sure if giving it to anyone else would be a compliment or an insult.

41. Of course, in Louisiana, some coffee mugs have pelican bills.

Of course, you can hold liquids in its bill. Not sure how much. Hope none of it contains oil, after what happened with Deepwater Horizion in the Gulf of Mexico.

42. Now this metal beer mug would make a fine addition to any man cave, and only in a man cave.

Now this is probably a perfect gift for a guy’s pervy friend whose truck has the mudflaps with the naked ladies and a stash of porn. Then again, I’m not sure who’d really think getting a mug like this is a good idea.

43. Like your behind, your mug should also be covered in denim.

Think of it as a souvenir from the Levi’s factory. Not sure whether they are 501s, 527s, 512, or 529s. Yeah, you learn how to identify the types of jeans while working in the men’s department at Macy’s over the holidays.

44. In Scotland, even the mugs are wearing kilts down there.

Now this ceramic red kilt mug also has legs to go along with it. Nevertheless, I can’t help whether they wear anything under there. Then again, I must’ve gotten me mind in the gutter.

45. “That’s one small step for a mug, one giant leap for mug kind.”

Now this is a mug of the lunar module. But to me, it seems to resemble an alien spacecraft more or less. Guess the lunar module doesn’t translate well in mug form.

46. I don’t know about you, but I sure wouldn’t want to drink whatever’s in that mug.

Of course, this radioactive mug contains some of the best coffee grown fresh from the coffee plantations of Three Mile Island. Okay, I know Three Mile Island is in Pennsylvania and doesn’t grow coffee, but it’s not like I know any exotic coffee growing place that’s famous for a nuclear meltdown.

47. Of course, any Star Wars fan couldn’t do without a mug of an Imperial Stormtrooper.

Still, I'm not sure if I'd want to have an Imperial Stormtrooper coffee pot. Sure it will pour but it will always miss. Yeah, Imperial Stormtroppers never really seem to hit their targets for some reason.

Still, I’m not sure if I’d want to have an Imperial Stormtrooper coffee pot. Sure it will pour but it will always miss. Yeah, Imperial Stormtroopers never really seem to hit their targets for some reason.

48. Now this mug set seems to either be of Adam and Eve or from a nudist colony.

Either way, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead drinking from either in front of kids or in public. Seriously, why do these even exist is beyond me. Do not buy.

49. Seems like this mummy got up on the wrong side of the sarcophagus this morning.

Yeah, you really don’t want to anger a mummy in the morning. Best give them a cup of coffee to keep them under wraps so to speak.

50. Only in Myrtle Beach can you get a souvenir mug of a sunbathing man with one leg.

I’m sure this has to do with a design flaw of some type or anything in the artistic depiction. Still, it’s quite weird even if you don’t have anything against amputee sunbathers.

51. “All right, take two cups of espresso and call me in the morning.”

Seems that this person better check the dosage or else he or she might develop an addiction to medicinal coffee addiction. Yes, that bean is quite powerful stuff.

52. “Hello, I am Coffee bot and I am here to serve you.”

Okay, maybe it’s not a real robot which actually works. Still, you’d want to pour coffee into him would you? Kind of disappointing he doesn’t work though.

53. Lift off this morning with this one of a kind coffee mug.

Of course, when it it spills it’s basically, “Houston, we have a problem.” Still, kind of wish it came with a lid because it seems more like half a rocket to me.

54. Sometimes people like to stack their mugs together, especially if they have their own boxes.

Seems like having a bunch of stackable brick mugs might be quite convenient to have. Then again, people might wonder why you’re drinking from a square mug.

55. Finally, now this is the kind of mug which can help you tell your boss what you really feel about him.

Okay, now as much as I think it’s amusing, I’m not sure if you want to show your boss that mug. I mean fewer of us aren’t working in unionized workplace. So George Jetson job security is very common, especially to low wage workers.

56. Of course, for those going to Hawaii this summer, I’m sure you’d want a tiki mug as as souvenir.

Man, tacky tiki stuff never gets old, doesn’t it? I don’t know about you but culture biases aside, tiki sometimes can range from cool to poor taste depending on the setting.

57. Why should you have to guess your coffee’s temperature when your mug can do it instead?

Now with this mug, I’m sure heating up your coffee will be much easier. Of course, you can also use something called, “the hands.”

58. For the genius in your life, a Rubix Cube mug will help them solve their problems.

Of course, in order for the Rubix Cube to be a workable mug, it has to be solved first. Still, not sure if it takes the fun or frustration out of it.

59. Of course, just because you shouldn’t have a dirty mouth, does not mean your mug shouldn’t either.

Okay, now these seem like they’re straight out from Nasty Teeth.com. Unless the other person is in on the joke, these don’t make very good gifts.

60. Now if a guy has a mug like this, you don’t want to see him when he’s angry.

This is especially the case when the person in question is none other than Dr. Bruce Banner. So yeah, you might want to get Dr. Banner his coffee before he, you know.

61. Of course, when it comes to modern mug design, you should go with vibrant colors.

Now I like these. But I’m sure anyone who drinks from these is a hipster. But what the hell? Seems like a rather futuristic design if you get my drift.

62. Some people tend to wake up feeling like a horse’s ass.

Now I’m not sure what to make of this. I guess this is more of a gag gift for some people. Is there a head on the other side?

63. For your under the sea mug collection, this pink octopus mug will do nicely.

Now I’m sure any maritime fan would want this in their collection. Wonder if it will freak out anyone or stand out like a sore thumb among some of the better looking maritime mugs. Kind of like the pink flamingo of maritime mugs.

64. Of course, it’s some companies’ custom to sell mugs with their logo on them this is from a power company.

I’m sure British Petroleum’s company mug not only looks like an oil drum, but it also contains some salty black liquid inside of it. And I’m sure it’s not coffee.

65. Some people sleep till noon while others are found wide awake at the crack of dawn.

Okay, now this was probably made from some frat boy in pottery class. Still, I’m sure this is certainly not on the dark side of the moon.

66. Of course, morning is the time of day when you can check your e-mail.

So I guess this is expensive as hell or doesn’t really work. Talk about going online while you drink your coffee in the morning. Seems kind of ridiculous to me.

67. In some pottery classes, there’s a fine line between what’s acceptable and what’s not. Still, these are downright sleazy.

I’m sure these would make perfect gifts for any sleazy guy with a penchant for pottery. Still, I think nudity shouldn’t be in ceramics for obvious reasons. Seriously, you want to have mugs with content that’s at least PG-13.

68. When it comes to creating mugs, you can pretty much make one from just about everything.

This seems like it was made of an aluminum can and some wooden handle. Looks like something a hobo might use. Then again, it appears too shiny for some reason.

69. When it comes to morning routine, it’s said that coffee is known to get people wired up for the day.

Of course, I’m sure the wire is fake but it seems to make a great handle. Still, I think this is a pretty inventive mug if you think about it.

70. Of course, when it comes to mugs, a real maritime fan has to have one of a fish in the darkest depths of the ocean.

On second thought, this deep sea fish is one of the ugliest sea creatures ever. I mean it’s almost the stuff of nightmares. Why anyone would want to have mug like this is anyone’s guess.

71. “All right, men, let’s set our phasers to decaf just to be safe.”

Of course, all Starfleet officers must have their coffee, too. But I’m sure anyone wearing a red shirt will be more susceptible for spill burns. Because redshirts tend to be expendable human cannon fodder.

72. This mug seems to blur the lines between the notion of coffee mug and coffee machine.

Of course, if you use it as a coffee machine, what do we use under it? I think that’s a viable question. Then again, maybe the machinery look is more for decoration.

73. A fashionable lady always needs to drink her morning joe in style.

I’m not sure if a stiletto heel mug is very practical as a drinking vessel. Nevertheless, sort of give a whole new meaning to the word, “hip flask.”

74. With this rattler mug, nobody will ever dare drink your coffee ever again.

Now this is perhaps one of the most intimidating mugs I’ve ever seen. Seems like this rattlesnake really isn’t too happy and guards his morning joe with a vigilance.

75. Be at the height of fashion with this trendy zebra print handbag mug.

Of course, while some may think this fancy mug is the most fashionable thing you’d see in the Prada break room, I think it’s as tacky as any overpriced handbag they sell on Saks Fifth Avenue. Sorry, but I’m no fan of the high fashion industry or the concept of wearing expensive name brand clothes made from the hands of children in some Third World country.

76. Sometimes a handy coffee mug can also make a useful paperweight.

Now I’m sure this would definitely appear in the Jurassic Park gift shop. Then again, I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a dinosaur’s foot anyway. Could come from any reptile as I see it.

77. Want to know where a driver’s coffee goes? Perhaps this mug will tell you.

Now according to this, very little of the coffee in the mug actually gets sipped. However most of it is either thrown out in the parking lot or spilled over on someone’s brand new jacket.

78. Of course, a coffee mug from the Hundred Acre Wood can be quite deceptive in its use.

I’m sure Winnie the Pooh has fans of all ages from kids to adults. But having a coffee mug as a one of Pooh’s honey pots, well, I’m not so sure.

79. Is this an upside down mug right side up or just a regular mug upside down?

The glaze tells me that it might be a mug that’s supposed to look upside down. But I’m not sure if it goes too deep. Yet, I’m sure this might cause some confusion.

80. Of course, have your coffee in a mug that’s designed like a water cooler at some high school or college football game.

Of course, it’s well known what’s in this mug so you don’t have to pour it out on someone after a team victory. Then again, I have no idea why football players dump these things on themselves after a game. Must be tradition. Still, I think the design is quite clever for some reason.

To Have and to Hold Wedding Cake Toppers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 3, 2015

Now last year I did a post on wedding cakes which has received a lot of views since July. But even so, most wedding cakes usually have decorations of some sort, particularly on the top. Now toppers usually range from a floral arrangement with fake flowers to the traditional standing bride and groom. And a lot of times, you can customize as you and significant others please. However, despite this being a food post, most of what I have to feature isn’t at all edible and sometimes tends to be used as a keepsake. For instance, my grandparents have their wedding cake topper. Nevertheless, while I can tell you of all the great wedding cake toppers out there, you probably wouldn’t want to hear it since it would be quite boring and sentimental that it’ll make you puke in sheer boredom. So instead I’ll show wedding cake toppers that should never be on wedding cakes or see a wedding reception. I mean you have to wonder why couples would ever want them gracing their cakes. So for your reading pleasure, here are some ill-advised wedding cake toppers you shouldn’t put on your wedding cake. Some of these might not be safe for work.

1. All right, get him to the altar kicking and screaming where it’s legal.

I know it’s a gay marriage cake but still. It’s basically abduction if you really think about it, even if the guys are in tuxedos. And it being a gay wedding cake, it might have certain unfortunate implications to some people.

2. As in fairy tales, if you kiss a frog it’s said to turn into a prince.

Still, I’m sure if you kiss a frog he may still be a frog. And even if he’s a prince, he could still be a jerk. Seriously, the frog in the Frog Prince story was a jerk who thinks good deeds to girls should get him laid.

3. Sometimes the bride can just be too big that they fall into the cake.

Now while overweight women do get married (and not always to overweight men), this is just pretty insulting to them. Seriously, why does this cake topper even exist for God’s sake?

4. Nothing makes a better wedding cake topper than one paying tribute to a movie about a woman being pursued by her 12 feet tall and 800 pound city ravaging stalker.

Enjoy your honeymoon in New York City. Hope you like your view from the top of the Empire State Building. Seriously, King Kong is a very twisted love story if you really think about it.

5. Seems like she’s caught him by the buttocks. Now she just has to reel him in.

I’m sure if this guy wants to get loose, all he has to do is take his pants off. Then again, the hook might’ve dug into his skin by now. But I’m not sure if he’ll take it hook, line, and sinker.

6. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you horse and unicorn head.”

Of course, you might think it’s demented. But keep in mind that a couple is actually wearing such masks in the background. Still, very demented as a cake topper of which your family members may never really understand.

7. Grace your wedding cake with the Dark Knight and his Catwoman bride.

Yeah, I’m sure a marriage between Batman and Catwoman would seem like a match made in heaven. But keep in mind, Batman is a psychological wreck with childhood induced PTSD who thinks dressing up as a bat as well as acts that his brand of vigilante justice and vengeance will honor his dead parents’ memories. And Catwoman, well, she’s a habitual thief and possibly can’t be trusted.

8. Now this wedding cake topper has the ultimate bridezilla.

Let me guess, their honeymoon will probably consist of storming the streets of Tokyo. It will probably be an utter disaster, for the Japanese at least.

9. This zombie wedding cake topper will show how true love lasts forever, even beyond the grave or during a zombie apocalypse.

Sure this might be a great wedding cake topper, if you plan to get married on Halloween. Otherwise, I’m sure nobody wants to think about zombie hordes hungry for your brains on what’s supposed to be a happy occasion.

10. Awww….Alien marries Predator. Isn’t that sweet?

I bet you any money that this cake topper was the groom’s idea in this wedding. Besides, since they already came out with Alien vs. Predator, I’m not sure if I’d think a Alien/Predator marriage would even work out. Then again, they might kill each other in the process, which may be fine by me.

11. Sometimes the secret to getting a man is to lasso him in.

This bride’s face reads: “Hmm…doesn’t seem like much, but he’ll do just the same.” Seriously, lassos are for cows, not men, especially at the neck.

12. I call this one “Armed in Matrimony.”

Because marriage is all about you and your partner against the rest of the world. Seems like the bride really loves her shotgun, perhaps a bit too much. Then again, at least the guns are for hunting as far as I know.

13. Get married and then spend your wedding day texting on your smartphones.

Now I have nothing against weddings but on your special day, mobile devices should be off limits at least until the honeymoon. Seriously, a cell phone interruption is the last thing you want at a wedding.

Now I have nothing against technology but on your special day, mobile devices should be off limits at least until the honeymoon. Seriously, a cell phone interruption is the last thing you want at a wedding.

14. “Ah…can I just play one more level of Halo?” “No way, Jose!”

Sorry, buddy, but it’s game over for you. Now pick up yourself by your bootsraps and grow up. Then again, I wonder if the bride is dragging him to the altar a little too soon.

15. Ah…there’s nothing like romantic moment like love at first fight.

I’m sure these two are only marrying each other because they want children and feel that they couldn’t find someone better. They can’t stand each other. Then again, they can be in a romantic comedy, which in this case would make them utterly perfect for each other.

16. Seems like this bride really loves her new husband’s cheeks.

Okay, I’m sure that would be hard to explain to the children. Nothing to see here, kids. You’ll find out when you’re older.

17. Congratulations to Mr. Right and Mrs. Always Right.

And it seems that Mrs. Always Right really wants to rub it in to Mr. Right. I’m not sure why. But she probably wants to show who’s boss.

18. Of course, weddings can be stressful. And after the big day, you just want to relax.

I can understand why the groom would want to kick back on his recliner and TV after the altar trip. Wish the bride could have something to relax on, too.

19. “Don’t make me aim my shotgun at you.”

I’m sure if you need a shotgun to stop a runaway groom, then I’m not sure if you should marry him. Him complying would be fear not love. And in romance, it’s better to be loved than feared and hated.

20. Seems like the latest wedding craze for brides is having their groom on a leash.

Now either this is utterly humiliating for the groom or some kind of BDSM routine. But by the look of their faces, it seems to lean toward the former for some reason.

21. These two newlyweds are as crazy as a couple of mad rabbits.

Sure rabbits are supposed to be cute little balls of fur. These are not in any way. Still, I’d watch out for the bride if I were you. She has a skillet and isn’t afraid to use it, and I’m not sure for cooking.

22. For your under the sea wedding theme, it’s best to have your wedding cake topped with a couple of mermice.

What the fuck? Seriously, this is fucked up beyond belief. How in the hell would anyone think that putting a fishtail on the animal you call an exterminator for is cute?I mean the person who came up with an idea like this must be a. a hippie who had too much brown acid at Woodstock, b. a mad scientist, c. a rogue taxidermist or some old timey impresario wanting to make a buck, or d. all of the above.

23. For those men about to marry significantly older women, a Harold and Maude wedding cake topper would do just fine.

Sure it’s a 1970s film about a barely legal emo teen and a geriactric bohemian old enough to be his grandma. But still, at least it has a good storyline, a strong female lead, and a Cat Stevens soundtrack. Also, at least it’s not a romance between 17 year old girl and a 107-year old vampire who hangs out at her high school. Now that would be very creepy.

24. “By the power vested in me, I pronounce you Chucky and Bride of Chucky.”

Okay, I think if my grandma saw this wedding cake topper she’d remark on how cute it was until she took a closer look. Yeah, I’m sure a topper of homicidal dolls is what you’d want on your wedding cake. Not.

25. Nothing drives the point of “till death do us part” than a couple of kissing skeletons emphasizing “how love never dies.”

Now skeletons are one thing but French kissing skeletons over a grave? Now that’s crazy. Even for a wedding on Halloween.

26. “I’m arresting you in the name of love for stealing my heart. You’ll be facing a lifetime of holy matrimony.”

I suppose this wedding cake topper is for a cop. Still, for a second I thought he either had her pulled over or she was giving a description of her runaway groom.

27. For more innocent fun, top your wedding cake with this PlayMobil couple.

Seems like this groom just married a black widow, or a woman who’d soon become one if he’s her first one. Yeah, and this is coming from a company that makes toys for children. That’s pretty twisted.

28. Seems like the couple packing heat together stays together. Then again, it’s possible that they’d probably die together, too in some domestic dispute that would go out of hand.

That groom better get off his cell phone now since I don’t like the look on the bride’s face. Seriously, all guns do is make these blushing newlyweds look like homicidal maniacs. Just saying.

29. For the guy from Baltimore getting married, this Baltimore Ravens cake topper is for you.

I could imagine my Aunt Jane’s husband recommending this cake topper for one of his kids when any of them get married. Still, I’m sure those aren’t taxidermied ravens since I’m sure the real birds are bigger.

30. For a little bit of night life, top your wedding cake with a couple of bats.

Okay, now this might seem fine for Halloween. But for any other time of year, it’s just batty. I mean there’s a reason why we don’t associate weddings with bats.

31. For your winter wedding you can’t do worse than a Snow Queen cake topper.

Okay, now despite that Frozen was inspired by the Snow Queen story. The tale is about a magical ice queen who abducts a child and keeps him in her castle for a long time. Hardly a subject for a wedding cake topper.

32. Seems like he either did something wrong or she made love like a praying mantis.

Okay, now this headless groom topper would be great for a divorce cake. But a wedding cake, c’mon, it’s disturbing. Seriously, the bride looks like as if she’s a new black widow than a new wife.

33. The family who stays together plays video games together.

And it seems that the bride is beating the groom every time. Hmmm..maybe the woman he married wasn’t as bad in video games as he thought.

34. Marriage is tying your beloved to a chair and threatening to cutting them up with a chainsaw.

Okay, who in the hell would want a wedding cake topper like this? This is utterly like something you’d see from your worst nightmares. Not on a wedding cake.

35. In the Lovecraftian universe, a Cthulhu wedding cake topper guarantees that you don’t have to orchestrate total global annihilation alone.

Of course, Cthulhu and his bride are basically evil Eldritch Abominations who wish to destroy the earth in oblivion. Not something you’d want to put on a wedding cake. But, hey, don’t judge me.

36. Nothing makes a great wedding cake than having it topped by two figures from Halo.

I guess the bride is the pink one. How could I have thought of that pray tell. Still, wonder how they’ll manage when, “you may kiss the bride,” are heard.

37. Seems like these two aren’t having a good start.

Now this isn't a good way to start a marriage. Once again, seems more appropriate for a divorce cake.

Now this isn’t a good way to start a marriage. Appears that these two are so mad that they’re giving each other the silent treatment. Once again, seems more appropriate for a divorce cake.

38. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Batman and Robin.”

Of course, if you’re thinking about the 1960s series, Batman and Robin’s sexuality comes as no surprise. Still, I don’t classify Batman as relationship material, since he really needs to see a therapist.

39. The couple who stays together gets drunk together.

Actually alcoholics make terrible marriage partners, even to each other. Couples who drink together don’t really stay together unless they go to rehab to get sober together. Seriously, marrying an alcoholic will certainly increase your chances of divorce.

40. For the couple who enjoys the James Bond movies, this wedding cake topper is for you.

Seems more like Mr. and Mrs. Smith to me. And let’s just say, it seemed like a marriage between two assassins trying to kill each other. Thus, more like a match made in hell.

41. “No way to run princess, you’re coming with me.”

Seems like the guy is more anxious to get married than the bride is. Then again, the bride probably wants to frolic in the open countryside and smell the flowers.

42. When getting a girl, try to lure her with something shiny and she’ll fall for it hook, line, and sinker.

I’m sure she’ll probably be in it for the jewelry. Of course, she’s not picky about the diamond size. But that doesn’t prevent her from being suspected as a gold digger.

43. “Can’t talk, honey, I’m running late for my golf game.”

Then again, at least I can be confident isn’t built like a gorgeous Swedish model and the groom doesn’t look anything like Tiger Woods. Still, I’m sure things between them are fine.

44. Here comes the bride….oh, wait, she’s still shopping.

Hope she makes it back in time to get married. I’d hate to see her keeping her groom hanging like that. Seriously, no woman in her right mind would want to shop on her wedding day.

45. It’s the bride at the bat with her groom pitching toward home plate.

Seems like the groom is in very close proximity. Hope the bride doesn’t hit a fast ball. I’m sure it wouldn’t look good for the groom.

46. Nothing makes a wedding cake better than a topper of the bride and groom on cell phones barely paying any attention to one another.

I’m not sure if these two are supposed to be talking to each other. However, it certainly doesn’t look like it. Seriously, unless one of you has a relative in the hospital, cell phones should be off at all times during weddings.

47. For horse lovers, nothing makes a better wedding cake topper than one of horses entwined together.

Now it’s one thing to have horses on your wedding cake, especially if you’re both horse lovers. But entwined horses, that’s just pushing the envelope into tacky if you ask me.

48. “Remember, Barry, chapel first, hunting lodge later.”

And it seems like the bride has the shotgun in hand to make sure her groom complies. Seriously, this is kind of crazy. Then again, the sign did state, “No Hunting.”

49. Seems like these two are nuzzling up like a couple of earthworms.

Earthworms on a wedding cake topper? Seriously? I mean they’re slimy ground dwelling creatures for God’s sake. There’s nothing cute about them whatsoever.

50. “May you two be mounted together in the sacred bond of holy matrimony.”

Now having mounted deer on a wedding cake. That’s just, well, tacky to say the least. Still, these two seemed to be together whether they like it or not. Nevertheless, the antler rings are in poor taste.

51. This NASCAR wedding cake topper will ensure your way to the finish line.

Of course, this would’ve been a perfectly nice wedding cake topper if it didn’t have the checkered flags on it. Yeah, that just looks tacky to say the least. Perhaps they should cover the bride and groom with corporate sponsor logos, too.

52. Nothing makes a wedding cake better than a topper consisting of pigs with wings.

I’ll highly recommend this topper to any couple about to get married….when pigs fly. Seriously, this almost make tacky flamingo lawn ornaments look like the Venus de Milo.

53. Nothing says true love like a wedding cake topper of two disembodied hands joined together as one.

Now unlike some of the creepier cake toppers, this one is supposed to elicit heartwarming feelings. However, it’s just plain creepy and terrifying.

54. For the die hard motorcycle fans, this wedding cake topper is one you can’t miss.

Now a motorcycle wedding cake topper is one thing. But one in a field of lace? Now that’s in poor taste. Just because lace is pretty and Harleys seem badass, doesn’t mean that the two should go together.

55. Nothing makes a circus themed wedding more festive than wedding cake toppers like these clowns.

Now I’m not sure why anyone would want a circus themed wedding. Still, this clown couple is pretty much the epitome of tacky. You’re better off with a topper of Cirque du Soleil.

56. Nothing says “I love you” like a cute deer who’s about to get himself shot on your wedding cake.

Like how the groom is dressed up like Davy Crockett in a suit. Yeah, really seems like he’s going to bring home a buck. Hope it has 3 or more points or else it ain’t legal to shoot.

57. As the old saying, marriage is the old ball and chain.

Seems like this bride is going to have her groom locked to the ball for awhile. And he doesn’t seem to be too happy about it. Now I know this is from an old saying. But still, there are plenty of men around who want to get married.

58. Newlyweds are supposed to be happy as a couple of pigs in the lilacs.

Now this would make a perfectly good wedding cake topper, if it weren’t for the pigs in it. Seriously, why put pigs on a wedding cake? They’re not cuddly creatures.

59. “I’ll get you to the altar, even if I have to drag you myself with my bare hands.

Okay, this sort of looks like in a movie when the bad guy captures the princess as he drags her into his lair with a creepy smile. Yeah, not a good scenario here.

60. For those who think the zombie and skeleton wedding cake toppers weren’t creepy enough, this one is for you.

Now this is downright terrifying. Can’t imagine what kind of couple having this on their wedding cake would actually look like. Then again, maybe I could and just don’t want to imagine it.

61. “I now pronounce you Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman.”

Now while we can agree sasquatches and yetis tend to look similar, I’m not sure if they’d be able to get together. I mean one’s in the Pacific Northwest while the other’s in the Himalayas. So it’s all a matter of geography.

62. Seems like someone really likes to shop at the best retailers. I wonder who.

Now I hope she’s not just marrying the poor guy for the money here. Because all that merchandise she has with her doesn’t look cheap to me.

63. May you love, honor, cherish, and stand your ground.

Just when you think you’ve seen enough wedding cake toppers with guns on them, they come out with another one. Now I get that a lot of people like guns but still hate to put my politics in this, but guns kill people. It’s their purpose. And you wonder why we can’t get gun control.

64. Seems like it’s all downhill from here.

I’m not sure skiing down from a multi-tiered wedding cake is going to be good for these figurines. Perhaps this couple is going on a ski resort for their honeymoon.

65. “I now pronounce you Optimus Prime and Megantron.”

Hmmm….didn’t know they had a pink Transformer. Then again, robots don’t have gender anyway. Still, a few explosions and it would be like the live action Michael Bay series that keeps making money despite not having plot.

66. “You may spank the bride.”

This could easily be a wedding cake topper of a tuxedoed guy and a stripper, not to be stereotypical. The bridal outfit could just be a costume.

67. When it comes to marriage, a lot of times it’s just give or take.

Unfortunately, this guy seems to treat his gold digging bride as if she was a stripper at some nightclub in Las Vegas. Seriously, this is a terrible piece for a wedding cake? What kind of couple would want this?

68. Of course, since a lot of people like bacon, it’s only fitting that I show a bacon wedding cake topper.

Of course, having bacon topped on your wedding cake really emphasizes the “till death do we part” construct. And by, “death” I mean cardiovascular disease.

69. When it comes to weddings, some couples can’t keep their hands off each other.

Seems like this couple were among those who saved sex until marriage and they just want to get it on the first chance they get. Save it for the honeymoon, kids.

70. Seems like this groom is running the ball with the wife on his back.

I’m sure running the ball with a bride on your back is hard, especially with a bunch of guys from the other team going after you. Then again, maybe that’s why the bride is on his back. True teamwork spirit, man.

71. For a western wedding theme, go with a wedding cake topper of horses.

I don’t know about you, but the top part seems to be made from cheap plastic crap from China. I think it would’ve been fine with just the flowers. Seriously, why?

72. For many, marriage means being happily handcuffed together for life.

Seems to me that the bride is an undercover cop as I see with the hidden gun in the holster. And the groom is the crook. Either way, this wedding cake topper looks very sleazy to say the least.

73. No wedding cake topper emphasizes your love for the great outdoors than one depicting a couple of moose.

At least the female of the pair is depicted right in this topper. Not like in the nativity scene set in which every adult figure has antlers, including the Virgin Mary. Yeah.

74. Sick of figurines, how about top your wedding cake off with a sparkly crown?

Seriously, a crown for a wedding cake? For God’s sake shouldn’t the bride be a princess for the day? Also, why does this even exist?

75. Understand that relationships are all about faith and trust, which you two will definitely need when fighting off the zombie apocalypse.

I’m sure your wedding sucked if you spent the reception basically killing off zombie wedding guests. I mean weddings are supposed to be happy occasions. A zombie plague at the reception isn’t.

76. Sorry, buddy, but you will be hers and she will make you one of them.

Of course, there’s a popular notion that certain men don’t want to get married. However, I think when it comes to zombie brides, this guy seems to have a valid excuse. Seriously, nobody wants to be eaten or catch zombie plague.

77. Seems like these two got themselves a bridegroom.

Of course, if the bride wasn’t so anxious to get to the altar, who knows what would’ve happened to him. Because I’d sure wouldn’t want to leave him alone with the bipedal buck packing heat.

78. Seems like she’s the one wearing the pants in the relationship, literally.

Now I’m sure the groom is quite embarrassed to be seen without his trousers. Still, this is in pretty poor taste if you think about it.

79. Now this bride has managed to catch a fish and her man.

I’m sure the big one didn’t get away this time, but I’m not sure which one it is. Still, not sure if it makes a great wedding cake topper.

80. “Get your drunken ass off the floor for we’re going to the chapel.

Now if one of you is found drinking with beer cans on the day of your wedding, I think you should really reconsider going through with it. Seriously, alcoholics make terrible spouses and calling it off may be a waste of money now but it will save you a lot of potential divorce costs in the long run.

Till Death Do Us Part Wedding Photography

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 1, 2015

As we all know, weddings are said to be one of the happiest times of a person’s life, especially if you’re a woman who’s dreamed of her fairy tale wedding as a little girl. Now I haven’t walked down the aisle myself, but I understand that it’s an occasion most people want to remember fondly and the main reason why they hire wedding photographers and video guys for these gigs. Of course, my grandparents married for 58 years didn’t have the video guys to record their wedding but my parents married for 28 come June did and the last time they saw their wedding video, they couldn’t believe how many people in it were dead. Still, most people want the occasion to be special as well as documented in a certain way like perfect and romantic. Typical wedding portraits may have a couple very much in love as well as possibly surrounded by friends and family. Now I can go on and on about the great wedding photos of our time but you’d probably be bored to tears wish. So instead, I’ll introduce you to photos that either depict wedding mishaps or things bound to go wrong or possibly make you scratch your heads asking what were they thinking? This would especially be the case when I show you pictures from Russia and believe me there’s a lot of them. Some of them may not be safe for work, by the way. So without further adieu, here are some great disastrous wedding photos too terrible to miss.

1. Universal Pictures presents Attack of the 50 Foot Groom!

Let me guess, when the groom snatches up his bride, they’ll probably be headed to their honeymoon in New York City. And I’m sure they’ll be on top of the Empire State Building before the airplanes shoot him down to the ground. Yes, it’ll be the beauty that killed the beast.

2. “Oh, Svelenta, you shouldn’t have. Boris and I will love it,” said Grushenka with her teeth clattering.

I’m sure this dildo tends to receive an award for the “Most Awkward Wedding Present.” Seriously, would giving Boris and Grushenka a toaster or veggie dip dish would be that bad?

3. Ladies and gentlemen, time for the Chicken Dance!

Okay, as much as I think the Chicken Dance is a lame ass song to do a dumb dance to, this is not what I had in mind. Then again, it’s from Russia where they do silly photo ops like having chickens dancing.

4. In Russia, it’s customary for the bride to stick bread in the groom’s mouth near a tree.

Okay, I’m not sure how the bread passes through the groom’s head to the tree. Oh, yes, I do photoshop. And a very bad job at it.

5. In Russia, they seem to take the words, “till death do us part” very seriously.

Seriously, this is supposed to be a happy occasion. Do you want to blow your whole future away through a game of Russian roulette? Besides, guns have absolutely no place in weddings at all, even in westerns.

6. Seems like someone woke up with cold feet this morning.

I’m sure this is a joke. But as I can tell by the bridegroom’s soles, I don’t have much hope for the two of them. Then again, he may be saved by a Scotsman on a horse at the last minute.

7. Theirs was a love that nothing could come between them, save maybe the occasional alpaca.

This would’ve been perfect if the groom in question was Napoleon Dynamite. Still, the llama’s presence really kills the mood here. Perhaps getting married at a llama farm isn’t a good idea.

8. Sure it might be romantic to take a photo op near a beautiful national monument or church. Just don’t mind the beat up homeless guy.

Of course, in Russia the presence of a homeless guy could mean the seriousness and hard work of marriage. Or perhaps a reminder of what would happen to the husband if he drinks too much vodka. Then again, Russia isn’t a happy place.

9. Of course, you can always have your photo taken on a picturesque landscape, perhaps in the American West.

I don’t know what that chair is doing here but I’m sure it doesn’t go well with the scenery. Then again, they could’ve had the photo taken at a studio and the whole desert thing is a backdrop.

10. Someone doesn’t seem too happy about the happy couple.

Now I don’t know about you but the guy in the background just seems so evil in his beard and turban, as if he wants revenge on his brother for stealing the woman he loves. Then again, maybe I should cut back on certain kinds of movies. I don’t want to stereotype here.

11. Seems like this guy has found the perfect match.

Sure she may not be much to look at. But I can see the resemblance even though they tend to put on a straight face during the festivities.

12. Wedding in Aisle 3! May I repeat, wedding in Aisle 3!

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think having your wedding in a supermarket is a good idea. I mean, obviously unromantic aesthetics aside, it’s always crowded with people scrambling for the best deal.

13. “I know pronounce you centaur and centauress. You may kiss the bride.”

Now a beach scene is a romantic backdrop. However, having the married couple photoshopped as centaurs? Seriously, that’s insane! Guess, they’ll soon be horsing around.

14. “Good luck on your honeymoon, kids, and don’t forget to write.”

Seems somebody here is suffering from separation anxiety and I don’t think it’s the bride or groom. Still, I know parents have mixed feelings about seeing their kids get married. But still, it doesn’t help that this mom is watching the newlyweds make out.

15. Take a look at this guy’s bridal carry.

Yeah, lifting the bride flat on her back wasn’t much of a challenge to him. He had to literally sweep her and then grab her from her feet. And also but a lot guys’ self-esteems out the window.

16. Sometimes appearances can be deceiving, so look closely if you’re making assumptions.

Maybe Larry shouldn't have taken off his jacket before posing like this. Seems like the dress is coming from the bride's butt in this.

Maybe Larry shouldn’t have taken off his jacket before posing like this. Seems like the dress is coming out from Marcia’s ass.

17. Apparently, to these women, Mrs. Claus is a fashion icon.

So glad I didn’t live in the 1950s. Sure I may love purple but the bridesmaids’ outfits seem too grannyish and Christmasy for some reason. The dresses would’ve been more appropriate for caroling. I reckon the men in this wedding are all either wearing red Santa suits or elf outfits.

18. Seems like some bride is being taken into custody by the Love police.

I’m sure this was done by a couple because the bridegroom is a cop. Nevertheless, this bride doe have the right to remain single. Wedding song is possibly, “Stop in the name of love, before you break my heart….”

19. “Harry, do you always have to get a call? Why couldn’t you just leave your phone off this one day for Christ’s sake? It’s not like your granny’s dying in the hospital.”

If that guy were my husband, I would feel like smacking him with the bouquet, too. Seriously, there are some major events in life where cell phone interruptions shouldn’t happen, save maybe the exception of having a clinically ill or dying relative in the hospital. Weddings should be among these events. Still, I wonder if he’ll be answering his cell phone while he’s witnessing the birth of their child, if he’s even there. Or perhaps his kid’s high school graduation.

20. Sorry, buddy, but I think your bride has already succumbed to the Dark Side of the Force.

Maybe if the guy brought his lady love flowers, chocolate, and jewelry, this whole thing would’ve been prevented. Still, didn’t know that Darth Vader was quite a ladies’ man. Must be the cape.

21. Nothing exemplifies the marital spirit than being married at the church in a cow costume.

Seriously, I don’t think a cow costume is proper wedding attire for a groom. Still, I’m sure the missus will udderly milk him for all it’s worth.

22. This bridegroom is so strong that he can lift an entire car with is bare hands.

Yes, Mother Russia certainly makes him strong. Still, unless he’s built like King Kong, he probably won’t be able to lift a Fiat in real life. So yes, this all the magic of photoshop.

23. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you mullet and wife.”

Glad I didn’t live in the 1980s either. Still, I’m so happy that my dad was never a big enough fan of hair bands or trashy country that he’d actually get a mullet. Yes, mullets are simply horror beyond imagination.

24. “Now where’s the bride side? Oops!” “Yeouch! Dad, can’t you just not trip on my veil for God’s sake?”

I’m sure this mishap happens a lot at weddings. Hope the bride ‘s scalp is all right. Still pretty funny.

25. Marriage is about two people looking together in the same direction.

I’m sure this guy in the background just wanted a place to relieve himself and couldn’t find any better restroom accommodations than a stinky outhouse. Still, while men have needs, it sort of really kills the romantic mood.

26. Guess this wedding theme is “Wasted Away Again in Margaritaville” with the reception entree being “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”

I’m sorry but when I see a guy in such an elaborate wedding outfit, I’m bound to make a joke about Jimmy Buffet’s Parrothead fans now and then. Also, the pants are quite hideous, too.

27. His hands spell, “FEAR.”

Hmmm….let’s hope his hands don’t reflect his commitment anxiety, shall we? Because if it does, then there may be a problem.

28. Hey, I didn’t know you can get your marriage license at the same place you can put away your crazy uncle.

Now do you think it’s a great idea to have your Marriage License Bureau near the Mental Health Department. Must have a lot of interesting stuff going on at that courthouse.

29. “Now that I’m married to the family, I’ll now make plans to kill whoever stands in my way of the family fortune. Mwa ha, ha, ha, ha.”

Let’s hope he’s a nice guy and doing it for love. Nevertheless, the guy’s face gives me the impression that he ‘s an evil fortune hunting psycho with murder on the mind.

30. Hmmm….seems like the best man should know where his hands don’t belong.

I don’t know about you, but I’m sure that only the groom should be allowed to have his hands on the bride’s thighs. Let’s just hope the best man had too much to drink at the bachelor party, shall we? If not, this can get a bit awkward.

31. They wanted a horse and buggy but this was the only thing they could get with their budget.

Now the pony is quite cute I have to admit. However, seeing an old guy in short shorts, not so much.

32. May your marriage bring new life into the world around you.

Cemeteries are supposed to be nice public parks where you visit your deceased loved ones. So posing for wedding photos there would make sense. However, make sure you’re in a place where there’s not a bunch of graves in view. That could have some crazy implications.

33. Of course, when you got to go, you got to go. And we all should be aware that little boys have very small bladders.

Well, at least the ring bearer didn't go on that woman's skirt. But I wonder if anyone in this photo seems to notice other than the person taking the picture.

Well, at least he didn’t go on that woman’s skirt. But I wonder if anyone in this photo seems to notice other than the person taking the picture.

34. While uncorked champagne is supposed to flow with bubbles, sometimes it tends to explode and shoot up like Old Faithful.

Seems like this groom more likely expected to have champagne in his glass instead of all over his hands. I guess he’s asking, “Son a bitch! How the fuck do you stop this thing?”

35. At a lot receptions, bouquet catching is a combat sport.

Because like any variety of sport, bouquet catching brings you the drama of athletic competition from the thrill of victory to the agony of defeat. Seriously, it’s just a stupid bouquet, nothing to get all worked up about. Besides, the little girl is too young for the bouquet catching anyway. But she could be just practicing.

36. Hope they’re not serving pork or BBQ ribs at this reception or else Chris P. Bacon may go on a murderous rampage.

Then again, perhaps we should hope for the best, such as the notion that these people are Jewish. Thus, in that case, at least everything will be kosher.

37, Hey, the groom is supposed to cut the cake, not the bride!

Of course, this is probably a joke. Then again, the guy seems to really enjoy holding the knife, perhaps a little too much. I’d look out for him if I were you.

38. In the 1970s, white tuxedos for grooms were all the rage.

At this point, Jerry was at a critical crossroads in his life in which he had the choice between his dead end job as a bartender at a disco club or working in porn.

39. In Russia, you can get a ride on a giant swan on your wedding day.

I’m sure this is photoshopped. If not, then it could be fair to say that this is a radioactive swan from Chernoblyl. Yeah, a lot of strange stuff going on there.

40. To save funds, Lindsey decided that she and her bridal party would make their dresses from a bunch of torn curtains.

Well, on the bright side, at least they could save money on the flowers. Still, these patterns are far out, man. Yeah, maybe floral patterns aren’t great for bridesmaid dresses.

41. He’s got his whole wife in his hands.

And the little woman doesn’t seem too happy about it. Bet this is the wedding picture from the photo album of the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk. How they manage to have an active sex life, I’ll never know.

42. A wedding photo at the aquarium seems like a magical idea. What can possibly go wrong with that?

I think the two of them found the perfectly wrong place to kiss for a wedding picture. Really, near the shark tank? That’s not romantic. Also seems like she’s kissing the shark.

43. Nothing makes a happy Russian wedding than playing your accordion and trumpet near a statue of Vladimir Lenin.

As to what connection Vladimir Lenin is to Russian weddings, accordions, and trumpets is beyond me. Seriously, Lenin was a Bolshevik revolutionary who turned Imperial Russia into the USSR while weddings are basically a whole capitalist industry targeted to the bourgeoisie.

44. “Oh, my God, get a room, people!”

Someone doesn’t seem to tolerate excessive public displays of affection, even at weddings. Perhaps they need to save the nasty stuff for the honeymoon.

45. Of course, when it comes to wedding photos, hand placement is everything.

Now this is a way to embarrass your kids on their special day. Seriously, why can’t the parents just save that touching for the bedroom, where it belongs?

46. Now this bridegroom is so happy that he just can’t keep his hands off her.

Yeah, boy, you can touch your wife’s breast later. But for now as long as they appear in public, the boobies are off limits.

47. The girl who catches the bouquet is said to be the next to get married. The girl who catches the cat is said to remain perpetually single for the rest of her life.

Either way, the ladies seem to be just as excited for some reason. Still, I really feel for the girl who gets the cat. She’ll probably have a bad case of literal cat scratch fever (but fortunately, not the type Ted Nugent sings about).

48. “John, why didn’t you tell me about you and Larry?”

I don’t know about you, but I think that this bridegroom has some explaining to do. Well, if it is what I think it is, at least she now knows what she may be getting into. Then again, he might go both ways.

49. Though it’s always in sickness and in health, the couple who works out together, stays together.

Now I know that exercise is important to a healthy lifestyle. But really, working out in your wedding clothes? That’s not very practical.

50. For their wedding Jason and Becca decided to go for a real ring bearer.

Four year old boys to carry rings? Gah! They have a black bear. Of course, having a black bear carry jewelry down the aisle does run the risk of having some of the guests eaten alive during the ceremony. Also, most churches don’t allow pets, let alone wild animals for God’s sake. Okay, maybe 4 year old ring bearers aren’t such a bad idea.

51. Nothing makes a bride happier than her cigarette and machine gun.

If her husband were smart, he’d be sure to keep it in his pants. Because let’s just say, I wouldn’t mess with a bride holding a weapon as we’ve all learned from Kill Bill.

52. Grab your pitchforks, sticks, and cameras, for there’s a wedding on the midst.

For one, I have no idea why a scene like this is even necessary. Second, I don’t know why the pig is in this. Seriously, why?

53. With this Russian couple, it’s till death or murder do they part.

Nevertheless, I think the groom has the short end of the stick in this since he has a little dagger. The bride on the other hand, has a military grade gun with a silencer. So I think he better be nice to his wife from now on.

54. Seems like Tanya has caught herself a husband.

Now I’m sure this is a joke given that the Russians have a sick sense of humor. But abduction is a terrible way to find love and even if you are successful, the other person is bound to hate you. Still, love the guy being tied and blindfolded in the car who seems to squirm their way to the chapel.

55. “Honey, I’m beginning to think we shouldn’t have booked our wedding at Jurassic Park.”

So remember, kids, dinosaurs may be awesome in their own right and it’s perfectly fine to like them. But please, when you get married, don’t book your wedding at Jurassic Park for you don’t want to spend your wedding night in a stomach of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

56. “I’ll just make it look like an accident like an auto erotic asphyxiation mishap. No one will ever know.”

Vladimir should’ve known that Valentina was a notorious strangling Black Widow and only married him for the money. But he seemed to enjoy the strangling way too much to care.

57. Ah, weddings, great times for couples of all kinds. And it seems like the dogs are taking to each other, too.

Yes, two dogs humping each other can really ruin an idyllic, fairy tale wedding photo. And they really don’t give a shit if you have to see it. Really, they have no conception of privacy. Of course, this is a probably a great time for these two to ask each other whether their pets have been spayed or neutered.

58. This wedding was brought to you by the penguins of Madagascar.

As to what the hell the penguins of Madagascar have with weddings, I have no idea. But apparently, the Russians might have the answer, somewhat. Still, probably would’ve been a conventional wedding photo without the magic of photoshop.

59. “Ivan, it’s lovely, but will it fit in our living room?”

I’m sure photoshop had something to do with putting the limo in there. Or else, the building would’ve been totally obliterated. Still, don’t ask me why this couple thought it was a good idea.

60. “Help, it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!”

When the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man crashes and wreaks havoc at your wedding, who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!

61. Just give him a few minutes and close the door, lady.

I’m not sure why they opted for an outhouse scene. But when a guy’s gotta go, he’s gotta go. Also, even if he has a wide stance, he should still shut the damn door while he’s doing his business.

62. There she goes, going where no bride has gone before.

Okay, there’s no way in hell that I could take this picture seriously. I mean the bride basically has rocket thrusters on her dress. This is just crazy.

63. Seems like the drones and planes came in just in time for the reception. Now the rampaging T-Rex is under control.

Seriously, what’s the deal with dinosaurs and explosions in wedding photos? Still, the moral of this is probably don’t book your wedding at Jurassic Park, even during during the winter.

64. “So, Stanislav, you want to marry my daughter? Let’s check your portfolio.”

I suppose this is the Russian version of Meet the Parents. And no, I don’t think it’s a comedy. Also, the older man kind of looks like Vladimir Putin which is even more disturbing.

65. Nothing says, “honeymoon” like riding the waves on an amphibious vehicle.

For one, I’m sure the car is not amphibious. Second, I’m sure a tidal wave will ruin it along with the flowers and the couple’s clothes. Third, I’m very sure this is photoshop. Nevertheless, don’t me why these two thought a photo like this was a good idea.

66. In Texas, it’s sometimes the custom to have the bride and groom ride on a mechanical bull.

Of course, they better ride it easy, especially if they plan to have any children. Because such activities may “hurt his chances of being a daddy,” as my dad would always say.

67. Some couples tend to have their wedding photos modeled after famous paintings. Wonder what can go wrong with that?

Ophelia, seriously? There’s nothing romantic about that. I mean in Hamlet she’s basically a smitten teenage girl who’s in love with a guy who may or may not care too shits about her, goes mad, and drowns herself in the river. Maybe stick to Romeo and Juliet or Othello. Oh, wait.

68. Seems like the Russian mob caught up to them before they ever made it to the reception.

Seriously, what the hell? Not many newly married couples make out in trunks for God’s sake. And what’s that flower girl doing here overlooking the scene?

69. Nothing makes a wedding better than a shark with a badass swordsman rising out of a lake.

Okay, if I were there during a wedding reception, I’d be freaking out and soaking my pants, possibly shitting them. I mean it’s not normal. But none of them seem very upset or fleeing for their lives. In fact, they seem rather in awe.

70. “Let’s play a game like dueling pistols or Russian roulette.”

Sure she may be a blushing bride. But having her smile as she points a gun to her head, well, I have to wonder about her state of mind. I mean does she have a death wish or something worse.

71. While Jesus Christ was said to walk on water, this bride manages to run via a motor in her dress.

This was made possible by the magic of photoshop, which explains why she’s not soak and wet by now. Also, explains leaving a stream of water akin to a motorboat.

72. “Have to be home by midnight, so here’s my glass slipper if you want to find me.”

Is it just me or is this basically the skankiest rendition of Cinderella I’ve ever seen? Seriously, the lights seem like they’re from a rave and the bride seems to be dressed like a streetwalker. But at least the pumpkin coach is equipped with a state-of-the-art sound system.

73. Nothing makes your wedding more of a blast than making a photo a scene from Transformers.

If I saw a wedding photo like this at someone’s house, I’d question their taste in either wedding photography or movies. Seriously, it would’ve been fine the way it was without the photoshop. I mean why?

74. When you find your angel, always have her weighed down with a lock and chain so she doesn’t escape from your clutches.

Now I’m sure a golden lock like that will certainly do the trick. Actually I’m being sarcastic. Still, the wings look fake. Like photoshopped fake.

75. “Looking for your handsome prince. Too bad, I’ve already shot him and have him in my pocket. So you must marry me now.”

Then again, to be fair, the frog from the Frog Prince story was actually kind of a jerk who thought that the princess owed him sex just because he did something nice for her. Maybe she should settle for the archer instead.

76. To save his true love from the evil dragon and other beasts, Dimitri comes to the rescue with his rope, sword, shield, and military grade weapons.

At least this guy thinks of everything, even the roses. Still, seems like someone's a bit too into either video games or D&D.

At least this guy thinks of everything, even the roses. Still, seems like someone’s a bit too into either video games, BDSM, D&D, or all three.

77. “Shit, this fucking Everlast chastity belt is a fucking pain to get off!”

I’m not sure if that’s actually a chastity belt (which it probably isn’t nor would I encourage anyone to wear one), but it makes a great caption. Nevertheless, you should be careful with power tools, just saying.

78. Sorry, lady, but nobody’s safe from the winged groom who will take you to his secret lair.

Apparently, Russians seem to find this quite funny. However, I think the concept of abduction is love is disturbing and think it’s hysterical because of bad photoshop.

79. Here’s a portrait of a beautiful bride. Wonder what can go wrong with that.

Unfortunately, the photographer forgot to take note of the outhouse in the background. Really doesn’t make for a touching photo does it? I mean outhouses are simply disgusting chambers of stink and waste you can’t flush down.

80. If you’re tired of too many takes in a wedding photo, it doesn’t hurt putting a cardboard cutout of yourself in your place.

Uh, yeah, it does. Seriously, the flatness is very noticeable. Besides, not all of us have a cutout version of ourselves anyway. Because it’s kind of crazy.

Say, “No,” to the Dress

Posted by historymaniacmegan on May 28, 2015

I may not be married and have no boyfriend or fiance to make wedding plans with to speak of as of 2015, but I know that spring and summer tend to be high times for weddings around this time of year. So since my next opportunity for a holiday post is in July, I feel I might as well do some wedding posts since everyone tends to relate to those things. Of course, almost every young girl has dreamed of her very own special day down the aisle on her fairy tale wedding in her very own princess gown marrying the Prince Charming of her dreams. Now for the bride to be planning her nuptials with Mr. Let’s Hope He’s Right, there are plenty of dresses to choose from for her particular bridal preference. And there are even stores that sell them as well. Sure wedding dresses are expensive but if I were getting married, I’d choose one that makes me look elegant and tasteful, wouldn’t make me look like a laughing stock if my kids saw it in my wedding picture, wouldn’t make my friends and relatives question my fashion sense, and is at a decent price (like not taking half the budget). Now there are a lot of beautiful wedding dresses out there for any bride to be, but this isn’t the post for them because I’ve never been married and thus have no experience wedding dress shopping to tell you. However, when it comes to dresses brides shouldn’t wear, then I’m your girl and believe me, there some horrendously terrible wedding dresses out there. Some of them are skanky, some look too blown up, and some of them make you wonder what kind of acid the fashion designer was taking. But whatever the case, they make it to the internet so some blogger like me can compile a post on them in order to reverse her May long slump when she had a computer crash that put in a shop over the weekend. So without further adieu, I give you the kind of dresses you will never see on that famed TLC show as well as bound to turn any blushing bride into a ferocious Bridezilla. Some of these may not be safe for work by the way.

1. Now the bride is at the altar, I wonder how the groom is going to kiss her.

After the wedding, it’s said a dress like this is taken apart and repurposed for window drapery. Seriously, does this woman get hot from the waist down? I mean how is she going to have room in the limo or coach? Also, I think the white stuff behind it is a train.

2. In the future, it’s said that women will soon ditch the bridal veils for the intergalactic bridal dress cap during their intergalactic weddings.

Now this is the perfect wedding dress for the bride who wants her wedding on Mars or on the International Space Station. But of course, I’m not sure having a wedding in space is worth it.

3. While most women are married in a white gown, it doesn’t hurt if you go with multicolored trimmings.

Okay, now how does this woman manage to keep a straight face and not look ridiculous in this? For God’s sake the ruffles look like they’re straight out of the Tudor years. And I’m sure women in Queen Elizabeth’s day wore the kind of skirt as underwear.

4. Yes, nothing makes a wedding dress like great big sleeves.

Yeah, I’m sure big poofy sleeves on a wedding dress are so 16th century. What’s even worse about this dress is that it’s from the Sex and the City movie.

5. Origami styled wedding dress or dress inspired by large napkin holder?

Sure it might be roomy underneath. But I wouldn’t be caught dead in the type of dress that seems like it was designed from a paper accordion.

6. I’m sure after she gets out of this dress, she’ll be using it for curtains.

Yes, I suppose she saw it in the window and just had to have it. Still, I’m also sure that she’s not wearing a bra underneath.

7. Wedding dress or the Las Vegas showgirl outfit?

I’m sure this is the kind of wedding dress a young woman wears if her father’s the owner of a multibillion dollar Las Vegas casino. Yeah, I’m sure a lot of gambling addicts lost their life savings to pay for it.

8. When it comes to decorating your wedding veil, you can’t overdo it with the jewelry.

Still, I’m sure Celine Dion could totally afford looking like the White Witch of Narnia if she wants to. Of course, not sure if they played, “My Heart Will Go On,” at her wedding to a guy who’s old enough to be her father, no less.

9. You know what looks good on a wedding dress? Feathers!

Actually I stand corrected. If she had the feathers from her dress removed, she would’ve looked a thousand times better than some anime princess from a video game.

10. Sometimes less is more. But there are times when you need to cover up.

Let’s just say while beach weddings may seem romantic, getting married in your speedo isn’t. This is especially true for anyone over the age of 50.

11. While this bride has her face covered in a veil, the rest of her suggests otherwise.

Just love the look on her dad’s face as he walks her down the aisle. Yeah, I’m sure he told her time and time again to dress nice but she doesn’t seem to have listened to him one bit.

12. Not sure if she’s the bride or the stripper at the bachelor party. Maybe both.

I think this might be Mariah Carey on her wedding day. Not sure why she’s no wearing a skirt under her garters.

13. Sometimes a bride’s dress can really light up a room at her wedding.

I don’t know about you, but when I see a light up wedding dress, I tend to think of either the Hunger Games or TRON: Legacy for some reason. I don’t know why.

14. Sometime during the 1980s it became customary for some families to fashion the bride’s dress from either drapery or tablecloths.

I’m sure my grandparents decorate their windows with what she has on. Thank God, they didn’t have that tradition in their house. So my mom and my sisters didn’t have to wear outfits like that at their weddings.

15. Let’s see, by looking at the groom’s taste in fashion, I’m sure the wedding song is, “Springtime for Hitler” or something from Richard Wagner.

Okay, I know that Nazi uniform weddings are a thing in China, which is disturbing enough. Still, if I saw my fiance at the altar wearing one of these, I’d just run out of the church or just say, “I don’t.” Seriously, wearing Nazi uniforms at weddings is never a good idea. Nevertheless, I’d like to see what his Jewish bride thinks about this.

16. As soon as Glinda the Good Witch of the North boarded her carriage, her husband soon found himself suffocating just by the sheer girth of her dress.

Oh, yes, I’m sure with dresses like these, some grooms are bound to be crushed by them. Seriously, it takes an entire seating area.

17. While most wedding dresses use lace and veils, this one gives a new twist.

Okay, not only does this gown show way too much skin, it seems like the designer had absolutely no accounting for taste. Seriously, why would any girl want to be married in that? Seems like she’s on her way to some cult ritual at a hot spring resort.

18. Perhaps a more naturalistic approach is in order.

Okay, maybe the more naturalistic approach is a bad idea. Seriously, she looks like a garden vine fixture in that outfit.

19. Let’s see how they scramble as the stripper bride tosses her wedding bouquet.

Now this is known as the “Safe Auto” wedding dress since it’s bound to guarantee minimum coverage for minimum budgets. Wait, is that MTV in the background? Shit! Still, wonder how her grandchildren will react to this.

20. Of course, some people opt for fantasy weddings with their favorite woodland creatures.

Now this just looks like something I’ve seen in a bad 1980s fantasy film. And no, I don’t mean the one with David Bowie in tight leather pants. Still, loved the owl, which I’m sure is stuffed.

21. Because if you want your wedding dress to shimmer, you better use wires.

Oh, wait, this is Beyonce at the BET Awards in 2009. Okay, now I can totally understand why she wore her wedding dress like that. Still, I’m sure Jay-Z would never let Blue Ivy Carter wear that.

22. Sure most women only wear their wedding dresses once. Others also use them as tents, literally.

And this bride also seems to use her special dress as a lookout tower as she and her hubby go on their honeymoon. Still, camo wedding dresses, tent or not, need to go.

23. Of course, all girls wish to get married in a Cinderella dress. But an actual Disney Cinderella dress? Not so much.

Come to think of it, Cinderella wasn’t among my favorite Disney movies. I’m more a fan of Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin. Still, someone seems utterly stuck in their childhood. Wonder if her fiance has a shoe fetish?

24. Now this would make a great wedding decoration in the reception hall.

Wait a minute, is that a wedding dress? For God’s sake, I can’t even see the girl’s face! Seriously, how is the groom supposed to kiss her?

25. This is the wedding dress for the woman marrying the man of her dreams, if he happens to be the Michelin Tire Man.

Same goes if she’s bent on marrying the Stay Puft Marshmallow Guy. But I’m really not sure how that would work out since he’s a giant in Ghostbusters.

26. On wedding dresses, you can never have too many ribbons.

Okay, I was wrong. Still, this looks like something straight from Lolicon. I mean the Lolita inspired dresses fad that’s big in Japan for some reason.

27. Wedding dresses don’t always have to be white, but I’m not sure about this one.

Well, I’m sure if you’re planning a Hunger Games style wedding, this would be perfect. Reminds me of something Effie Trinket would wear. May the marriage odds be in your favor.

28. This dress will certainly bring the light in a really dark reception hall.

Okay, now this dress reminds me of TRON: Legacy. More appropriate if your reception hall is a disco club or a rave.

29. Nothing says wedding like a princess Barbie ballroom wedding gown from the 1980s.

Okay, unlike the Barbie movies might imply, a Barbie princess dress doesn’t hold up in real life, girls. Also, the guy doesn’t look any better.

30. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you punk rocker and porn star.”

Now I’m sure their grandchildren will wonder what they were up to when they tied the knot. Seriously, there’s something so wrong about this picture. Like she’s a stripper and he’s a shirtless tourist in Vegas.

31. Well, at least she doesn’t have to change into something more comfortable on her wedding night.

I’m sure this is how Victoria’s Secret is trying to get in the wedding business. Wonder how that would work out. Seriously, while it might make a nice wedding nightie, not sure if I’d wear that down the aisle.

32. Sometimes unconventional can be your way to go.

To be fair, the bride is a sheep farmer. So it’s only natural for her to want a sheepskin dress. Yet, not sure if I’d want to wear a wool skirt at my wedding.

33. Now I’m sure a wedding could surely be livened up with balloons.

I don’t know about you. But I really feel tempted to stick a pin in it and see what happens. I’m sure wearing this you wouldn’t be able to sit down without hearing a few pops now and then.

34. Some couples just want to pledge their vows up in the air.

Fortunately, the brides extraordinary long train makes a dandy safety procedure in the event of an emergency. Of course, they might need to inflict some damage to tie it to a basket.

Fortunately, the brides extraordinary long train makes a dandy safety procedure in the event of an emergency. Of course, they might need to cut it off before tying it to the basket.

35. Okay, is this supposed to be wedding attire or a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot.

Seriously, I’m sure that getting married in a bikini is a very bad idea. Besides, Victoria’s Secret should never get into the wedding business.

36. Nothing says true love like a perky pink wedding dress with hearts.

Now this might not be as slutty as some other but she kind of looks like she takes the evening shift as a table dancer at the Kit Kat Club. Also, the pink is just hideous and akin to bridal wear in Vegas.

37. Nothing says wedding like a bridal gown of roses.

Let’s hope these aren’t real. But I’m not sure a rose wedding dress would be comfortable. Seriously, why?

38. I suppose this Muslim girl was determined to get married in her finest family drapery.

I’m sure part of the curtain rod is within her wedding crown piece. Still, I’ve seen nice Muslim style wedding dresses and some of them are quite nice. This one is beyond tacky. Still, kind of reminds me of what you’d see an Egyptian Pharaoh would wear in increment weather.

39. I suppose this wedding dress is more for the bedroom, I reckon.

Then again, she could just be the childish stripper hired for the bachelor party. Still, the ringlets don’t make this woman seem any more innocent.

40. Sure you might want to show some skin at your wedding, but you might want to remain tasteful as well.

Now this woman really seems to get her dress at the same place where you can get the Sexy French Maid or the Naughty Nurse costume. Also has a long train for some reason. Maybe she should’ve had a dress made from that.

41. Of course, everyone loves rainbows and weddings so why can’t the two be together?

While it’s supposed to be a wedding picture, I can’t help but see these two as possible leaders in a cult ritual. Seriously, I wouldn’t associate that kind of attire with weddings.

42. At times, there are brides who think swim wear would make appropriate wedding attire. I’m not so sure about that.

Not sure if I think this is skimpy because it’s short or that the bride isn’t wearing a bra. Either way, wouldn’t want to wear that for my wedding.

43. For those planning a winter wedding, may I suggest a bride should get a dress that’s trimmed with fur.

Unfortunately, this wedding dress has the fur trimmed the wrong way. Seriously, I’m not sure who’d hate this more: brides to be or PETA.

44. In the 1980s, when dress weren’t designed based on tablecloths and drapery, they ripped off from lampshades.

Yes, that skirt resembles the kind of frilly lampshade you’d either see in an antique shop or a little girl’s room. Not much a fan of the sleeves either.

45. Of course, when it comes to simplicity, just a plain old white dress will do.

Now I know that some brides need something old for their wedding day. But isn’t wearing your great-great grandmother’s wedding dress kind of pushing the envelope? Just saying.

46. Strut down the aisle like a pretty peacock in this peacock feather dress.

Wonder how many male birds had to die to make this dress. Also, it seems to have a very long train that covers most of the floor.

47. For a 4th of July wedding, a bride should always walk down the aisle showing her love for America as a patriotic princess.

Actually as per my American flag article, this is the kind of dress a patriotic princess shouldn’t wear to her wedding unless she’s marrying Captain America. Seriously, wearing the stars and stripes is said to be very disrespectful according to the flag code. But Americans can’t really help it. So, hello, Mrs. Captain America.

48. Don’t like wedding veils? Well, here’s a wedding hood.

I don’t know about you but as an American, I tend to associate white pointy hoods with a group known for burning crosses and lynching black people for some reason. I don’t know what. But I’d think she’d go with the Nazi groom quite nicely.

49. No bridal gown is complete without a couple of tentacles at the skirt.

Seriously, putting tentacles on a dress is a horrible idea that even the model can't hide her dismay. Seriously, no girl wants to be married in a dress that makes her look like an octopus!

Seriously, putting tentacles on a dress is a horrible idea that even the model can’t hide her dismay. I mean no girl wants to be married in a dress that makes her look like an octopus!

50. With wedding gowns, you can’t overdo the veil, especially in the 1980s.

Man, that veil reminds me of one of those shower puff balls you’d rub soap on for some reason. I’m not sure why.

51. While I see nothing wrong with brides showing some cleavage, there are times when some do go too far.

Now while this dress is more appropriate for a porno, exposed nipples are a wedding no-no. Also, she looks as if she’s prancing around in some old timey underwear.

52. If you can’t afford a veil, it doesn’t hurt to fashion one from a shower curtain.

Okay, now while this is certainly practical for a rainy day nuptial, it also seems more appropriate for either a 1980s sci-fi movie or a Lady Gaga music video.

53. Well, this is the bridal gown for the woman who has a board meeting after the ceremony.

Is it just me or does anyone think that bridal attire and business suits shouldn't go together? Seriously, is this woman being given away by her regional manager?

Is it just me or does anyone think that bridal attire and business suits shouldn’t go together? Is this woman being given away by her regional manager?

54. While some brides opt to be married in a church with a tall steeple, I’m not sure if a cathedral hat is a good idea.

While this is said to enhance her as some exotic princess in Eastern Europe, she more or less tends to remind me more of the Chrysler Building. That or a possible lady in waiting to the Queen of Hears from Alice in Wonderland.

55. Now this would be a perfect dress for any bride who’s a fan of The Tudors.

The dress may seem Elizabethan, but I’m sure the cap reminds me of what Queen Elizabeth probably wore in her later years while her wigs needed work done. Still, I’m sure this gown wouldn’t be very comfortable.

56. In the 1980s, it wasn’t unusual for women to sport big hair, big dresses, and big sleeves.

Yeah, I’m sure a dress like that took 3 hours to get in as well as 2 seats in a car. Also, probably gave a reason for the church to put on the air conditioner early.

57. Nothing makes a great wedding gown than a large big bow on the top of a veil.

With a veil like this, it would be amazing if this woman didn’t trip on it as she walks down the aisle. Anyway, still looks pretty ridiculous and more suited for mosquito bed netting.

58. With a dress like this, I’m sure the venue will certainly get Showtime during the reception.

However, I’m not sure this satellite TV style wedding dress would get any good reception among wedding guests. Still, more appropriate for a sci-fi film than anything else.

59. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Florence of Arabia.

Of course, I'm not sure a Lawrence of Arabia wedding theme would work because the movie has absolutely no female characters in it. But still, I can totally imagine Peter O' Toole wearing that thing, which is kind of disturbing in itself.

Of course, I’m not sure a Lawrence of Arabia themed straight wedding would work because the movie has absolutely no female characters in it. But still, I can totally imagine Peter O’ Toole wearing that thing, which is kind of disturbing in itself.

60. Of course, while the bride is suppose to be the center of attention, sometimes she tends to wear less than the groom.

Just because June corresponds with weddings and swimsuits, doesn’t mean you should combine the two. Seriously, a wedding bikini is a terrible idea.

61. When it comes to weddings, who needs a dress when the bride can have a floor length veil?

Now this kind of reminds me of a woman in a sci-fi film who’s entrenched in a full body bag she can walk in. Well, at least the veil would come in handy protecting her against mosquitoes during her wedding in sub Sahara Africa.

62. Screw wedding attire and get married in body paint clothes and swimwear covering your naughty bits. It’s said to be much cheaper.

Now I’m sure that people won’t know the difference between actual clothes and airbrush paint on one’s body. Oh, I forget it’s easily noticeable. Seriously, why?

63. Nothing says true love than wearing a wedding dress in support of your man’s favorite basketball team.

Let’s just say if there’s a place where sports licensed products shouldn’t have a place in, then weddings would be it. Still, at least the groom won’t feel that she’s not just thinking about herself here.

64. This woman’s wedding hat is so big that she has to get people to put sticks under it for support.

I wouldn’t advise any bride-to-be to have a dress like this since it’s totally not practical. Seriously, the hat is obviously way too big it has to be supported by 4 guys with long sticks.

65. Now if you’re marrying in a very cold place, this wedding dress will make you feel safe and warm.

For God's sake, this outfit makes her look like a giant tampon! Perhaps this dress is better suited as a Public Service mascot costume that helps teach girls about feminine hygiene than a wedding.

For God’s sake, this outfit makes her look like a giant walking tampon! Perhaps this dress is better suited as a Public Service mascot costume that helps teach girls about feminine hygiene than a wedding.

66. When it comes to a wedding gown, the train can never be too long.

Seems like this train is so long that it can be used to cover at least a dozen beds, perhaps as many as there are people holding it. Seriously, it’s way too long and probably had to be rolled out, too.

67. When choosing a wedding gown, brides should always make a selection that corresponds with their bra size.

From how I see it, the bride’s chest seems like it’s exploding with delight, to put it metaphorically. Then again if her husband’s a breast man, he probably won’t mind. Yeah, sometimes what’s off the rack doesn’t always measure to all dimensions.

68. This bride’s dress is so big that she’s probably making her trip down the aisle in a parade float.

O my God, why would think of getting a wedding dress with skirt that big? Then again, perhaps it will be used for the happy couple’s tent when they go on their honeymoon or something.

69. We’re pretty sure she’s marrying a guy who designs balloon animals.

Still, I’m sure in a dress like this, it would be very hard to sit down without ruining it. Still, doesn’t keep me from wanting to stick a pin in it.

70. Of course, if this marriage fails, I’m sure they’ll certainly lose the trailer.

This photo seems to have all the trappings of a shotgun wedding. I mean the bride is obviously pregnant but there’s nothing really objectionable about her dress. However, the groom’s only formal attire is a black vest and possibly a white collar and tie. And I suppose the plaid shirt and pants have seen better days. Seriously, a guy should look his best on his wedding day, not like he’s just marrying the girl to escape the wrath of daddy’s shotgun!

71. A short wedding dress is one thing, but I’m not sure about the snakeskin dress shirt.

Well, at least this groom has cleaned himself up a little. But still, the snakeskin dress shirt has got to go. People might get the wrong idea. Ditto, the suit coat with a black leather collar and cuffs.

72. Down the aisle a bride must learn to spread her wings and fly.

I don’t know about you but if I saw a bird like that, I’d wonder how it could ever survive a jet engine and still be able to fly. Nevertheless, there’s no way in hell I’d get married in that.

73. For all those rural redneck folks, nothing says wedding like getting married in camo and bright orange.

Let me say this and I want to be perfectly frank. Camo and bright orange are for hunting season and nothing else. It’s not for formal events. Not weddings, not proms, and certainly not funerals. Do I make myself clear? Still, at least the guy’s not wearing holes in his pants for once.

74. As the bride reaches the altar, the groom is supposed to lift the veil from her face. With a dress like this, I’m not sure how the groom is supposed to go about it.

For one, this looks the kind of wedding dress you’d see in a sci-fi movie. Secondly, that veil just looks hideous with the short dress. But I’m sure her face will be fine against the mosquitoes.

75. So if the groom wears black and the bride wears white? Can they be reversed?

Now I don’t have anything against the colors. However, it’s just that they seem to come out of some sort of some 1980s sci-fi horror fantasy film that makes me shudder. Seriously, the bride looks as if she’s from another planet. The groom looks as if he’s perhaps an illegitimate son of Lucius Malfoy.

76. For the bride who loves taxidermied doves in flight, this is the perfect bridal gown for you.

Of course, this beautiful wedding dress was inspired by the films of the legendary director Alfred Hitchcock, particularly The Birds. Of course, at least those birds in this picture are too dead to peck you to death.

77. When in doubt, go with flowers.

Oh, hell no! Seriously, having flowers on your wedding dress is fine. But walking down the aisle looking like a Victoria’s Secret model? Definitely not! I mean why?

78. On her wedding day, a bride must rise like a sun.

Don’t look now, but I think this is the kind of wedding dress you’d expect a Cardassian bride to wear, on Star Trek no less. Seriously, the wedding out of this world, literally.

79. Of course, a bridal gown should always have lace.

Okay, this might be going to far. Still, at least the groom at her wedding knows what he’s getting. Still, pretty sleazy.

80. On her wedding day, a bride must rise to the occasion like a phoenix.

But whether this is supposed to be a wedding gown or a very elaborate nightie, I don’t have the slightest idea. Seriously, it looks ridiculous if you ask me. You know most women wouldn’t wear a lot of these wedding fashions on the runway, which are used to justify a fashion designer’s existence.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: Humor

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Say, “No,” to the Dress