Professors, due to parental complaints which should remain nameless, I think the time has come that we put in some accountability system in place through introducing teacher evaluations. You shall receive yours through owl post which contains both my positive and negative observations as well as areas for improvement. Any questions, comments, and concerns, send an owl to my office. Teachers in previous years would be accounted for as well because our standards have really gone down when you have to hire a new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor every year. It’s a real pain in the ass. As Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, I take teacher accountability very serious, well, most of the time. Let’s please make this school a safe and quality learning environment for our students.

1. Rubeus Hagrid

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Expertise in handling magical creatures makes him uniquely qualified for the position. Demonstrates better personal safety than his predecessor (who retired to spend time with his remaining limbs). Hippogriff lesson was a great example of how students shouldn’t be cocky to animals. Also, does it on a gamekeeper’s salary which works for our budget.

Con: Does not speak in clear or understandable English. Cries, a lot. Has spent considerable time away from class. Once walked off to the Forbidden Forest for most of the lesson and returned with a black eye which went completely unexplained. Had students buy books that will attack them. Hippogriff incident resulted in a student being attacked as well as a huge mess on our hands (since the boy’s dad was a school board member). Can’t be trusted with a secret. Doesn’t know how to spell. Has a preference for very dangerous creatures, which he considers “cute” and tends to put their well-being over other people’s safety. Often puts students in harm’s way in his lessons plans (making our school prone to lawsuits). Then there’s the issue of him being expelled in his 3rd year (though we know the truth behind that). Sometimes even the students who like him best couldn’t be in the class longer than necessary.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t make students buy books that would attack them. Don’t let students fly around unsupervised on hippogriffs. Restrict your curriculum to creatures you know how to care for. Or better yet, anything that’s not a walking death trap. Also if a student is being rude, just send them to the office (though to be fair, the boy did have it coming).

Grade: C, not the worst person for the job but there’s plenty of room for improvement.

2. Cuthbert Binns

Department: History of Magic

Pro: Knows how to make an entrance such as through the blackboard. Also, keeping him around as a ghost teacher saves money on hiring as well as faculty room and board costs.

Con: His Chamber of Secrets lesson was perhaps the only time students were known to stay awake for, which he insists can’t possibly be real. Has a reputation for being notoriously boring that most of his students fall asleep 5 minutes into class, which he doesn’t address in any way. Doesn’t help that students don’t really pay attention to his class very much. Seems surprised and irritated when asked a history related question. Does not know any of his students’ names, even those he’s known for years. May not be aware that he’s been dead for years. Might’ve failed to evacuate classroom during fire and possibly slept through the deaths of several students. Is so absent-minded that he’s amazed to find his class full of students.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Either try being livelier or move on, as in beyond the veil. Also, you should know there is more to history than just the Goblin Wars. In addition, I would recommend you take a course in fire safety if that’s possible.

Grade: D-, you should’ve been fired a long time ago, whenever that was. Not I’m not sure if that’s possible since having you around does save a ton of money not having to pay for a history teacher.

3. Severus Snape

Department: Potions/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a wizarding genius who’s well-versed in all magical subjects. Demonstrates exemplary loyalty to this institution, making him well suited for performing tasks well beyond any wizard’s call of duty. Has people’s best interests at heart and can be the kind of guy you’d need on your side to win in a fight. Has shown to be quite protective toward students at times, including ones he’s known openly resent.

Con: Has a shady past which doesn’t endear him to his colleagues who just don’t understand his intentions (though he was right to keep some details confidential). Doesn’t really care enough about his students to teach them properly (though some students have done well when not under his observation. So he can be a damn good teacher when he wants to be). Has a reputation for showing favoritism to some of his Slytherin students while berating, insulting, threatening, and humiliating kids he doesn’t like which sometimes hinders their education. One case in particular revolved around a Gryffindor boy because his mom rejected him in favor of a guy who bullied him in school (with the boy not knowing the full story until years later). Subjected the boy in question to read various school reports about his dad’s days as a troublemaker as a punishment. Another has him refusing to call on a female student despite her hand being raised but took points away from Gryffindor due to her being “an insufferable know-it-all.” Reduced a second boy to an occasional nervous wreck for a few years. Has not only ignored bullying, but also actively encouraged it. Can’t seem to let go of his grudges toward boyhood enemies and move on with his life. Despite stoic demeanor, can get angry with the drop of a hat. “Accidentally” outed a colleague as a werewolf out of spite in an attempt to get him fired. Though he had a rather rough life, he shows very little compassion and understanding for other people’s suffering or any capability to see things differently.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Understand that you can’t take points away from a house just because a girl raised her hand for some time. Sure she may be an “insufferable know-it-all” but that’s not how the point system works. Treat all students with respect and be nice to them, no matter how much you wanted to bang their mom or how much their dad was a dick. Maybe cool down in the staff lounge between periods or perhaps attend an anger management class hosted by the Room or Requirement. Don’t take your bitterness on your students about being denied a DADA position each year, your miserable childhood, or inadvertently causing the death of your true love. Your classroom is not the place for it.

Grade: B+, you can be a great teacher if you just try to improve your personality or at least find a way to let go of your past. I can recommend a great therapist you can visit during the summer. Also, try to make an effort to improve your social skills.

4. Sibyl Trelawney

Department: Divination

Pro: Can actually predict the future and was eventually proven to be right much of the time (especially that one time). Then again, predicting the future is a tricky thing.

Con: Fancies herself as a great seer “possessed of the Inner Eye” though is often seen as a fraud who makes up nonsensical prophecies on the spot whether she’s right or not. Is so overly weird that students don’t take her seriously. May not actually know how predictions work or may give the wrong interpretations. At any rate, something’s not right with her. Insists students buy a Divination textbook despite thinking that books are useless. Classroom is almost always filled with smoke. Drinks a lot. Has a tendency to predict deaths of students at least once a year, including one who watched his own parents die. Best student in the history of this school left mid-class and never returned.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: If you’re not using textbooks don’t insist students to buy them. Keep the death predictions to yourself since these are children. Also, it would be best to give a little more clarity on predicting the future since your prophecies may come true but not in the way you interpret them. Put more focus and organization in your lessons.

Grade: C-, we might need to bring in someone to help you with your course load. He’ll only be half horse. Understand? Because if I didn’t keep you here for your personal safety (due to your one major prophecy), I would’ve sent you packing on the spot.

5. Minerva McGonagall

Department: Transfiguration

Pro: She is an exceptional and powerful witch in her field as well as a stern but fair teacher. Takes no crap from anyone and is very protective of her students for whom she’s willing to fight to the death for. But is also kindly and is seen by her students as very trustworthy as well as inspires the utmost respect. Never afraid to speak her mind and is supportive to colleagues. Is always the one teacher students go to for help even though she’d scold them since she’ll assist them whenever they need it. High expectations and project-based approach allow students to try and make mistakes in their learning.

Con: Her love of Quidditch might soften her disciplinarian skills occasionally. Or when it comes to students tormenting a teacher she simply doesn’t respect. Does not like dirty cowards. Also does not take it well when Slytherin wins the Quidditch Cup.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: There’s very little to say here.

Grade: A+, you’re the best teacher at this school.

6. Pomona Sprout

Department: Herbology

Pro: Doesn’t mind getting dirty when dealing with dangerous plants. Is cheerful and fair to her students. Can handle tough and dangerous situations without much fuss. Teaching environment can make even the most shy students shine by putting them at ease while challenging them to do their best.

Con: Has been known to track mud in the Great Hall.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: When it comes to the growing mandrakes, may I suggest buying some Muggle noise blocking headphones? Or magically noise blocking earmuffs? Also, clean yourself up before you enter into the Great Hall.

Grade: A, your mandrake were a great asset to us during the Chamber of Secrets incident.

7. Gilderoy Lockhart

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s written a lot of books on Defense Against the Dark Arts as well as facing against dangerous creatures and is quite charming. Girls seem to like him.

Con: Doesn’t live up to this hype once in the classroom. Students have found him incompetent and untalented as well as vain and egotistical. Is later exposed as a fraud as well as stealing stories from others before subjecting them to memory charms. Despite being DADA teacher, has proven to be utterly useless during the Chamber of Secrets crisis and is willing to let a student die to save his own skin. Hell, he even deboned a student’s broken arm after a Quidditch accident as well as ran out of the classroom during a pixie infestation. Colleagues unanimously detest him as well as students who can see past his foppish good looks. Even attempted to erase two students’ memories.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about actually studying Defense Against the Dark Arts before deciding to teach them. Also, don’t try to use students to enhance your own vanity. And stay away from broken wands. And please, don’t attempt to use magic to heal a student’s injuries, that’s Madam Pomphrey’s job and she hates you.

Grade: F, then again this job didn’t have many takers. Besides, I knew he was a fraud when I hired him because I knew some of his victims personally. I only invited him to teach just to expose him and he only took the job because Harry Potter was a student there. So having the chance to “train” another celebrity was an offer he couldn’t refuse.Luckily, since you fell on your own sword, I didn’t have to fire you. Enjoy your stay at St. Mungo’s indefinitely.

8. Dolores Umbridge

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: The Ministry of Magic certainly thinks very highly of her and seems to boast a great resume. Her office seems rather well decorated. Acts like a kindly old aunt or grandmother.

Con: Her persona is only a thin veneer covering government corruption at its worst. Once at Hogwarts, she wasted no time turning the school into her own personal fiefdom and running it as a sugar-coated dictator. Forces tyrannical laws on the school to get her own way. Feels that she’s always right and wants her students to just shut up and agree with her. Has been shown to be very abusive toward any student who disagree with her even in the classroom. Speaks to students in a very condescending tone as she views them as her inferiors. Her detentions consist of them writing a sentence several times in their own blood with quills that cut into skin on the backs of their hands. In fact, she relishes in torture. Was so useless teaching her designated subject that students formed their own DADA class in the Room of Requirement as Dumbledore’s Army. Frequently interrupts people with a fake cough. Had Trelawney dismissed from her job without my authorization and later deposed and replaced me as headmaster. There she formed a Inquistorial Squad of Slytherin students as well as used the House Cup Competiton to encourage pupils to report on others. Other than that, almost all school order went to hell since most faculty and staff hated her so much. Has a hatred for centaurs, giants, Muggles, Muggle-borns, half-bloods, and others. Hates children, too. Is willing to condemn a student in the face of all justice and logic, even if it means him using underage magic in a situation she clearly set up in an attempt to silence him on a traumatizing incident he personally witnessed. Participated in an unprovoked attack on two teachers which left one of them in need of serious medical attention. Loves to inflict pain and misery on everyone she can. Has a staggering lack of empathy for victims of her cruelty. Used an Unforgivable curse on one of her students as well as threatened to use Veritiserum as well. Is utterly useless against a herd of centaurs. Is almost universally hated by both students and staff. Shows signs of being a sociopath and a sadist.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Sorry, but I highly recommend that you don’t torture the students. Also, don’t assume that your students are lying, especially if they know more about DADA and Lord Voldemort than you. Don’t anger centaurs.

Grade: F, if Cornelius Fudge didn’t make me hire her, I would’ve never had her at this school in the first place.

9. Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is a retired Auror and a good friend of mine so his qualifications are without question and he’s a man I can trust with students despite his eccentricities like his rampant paranoia. Expert in Charms, Transfiguration, Defensive Magic, Herbology, and Potions. Takes no slack from whiners but has a soft side as well as impresses those in his charge. Did a good demonstration on the Unforgivable Curses.

Con: Subscribes to the idea that once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater. Has a highly disagreeable temperament. Didn’t seem to be himself during his time at Hogwarts because he seemed to have a very large suitcase and tends to drink out of his hip flask every hour or so. Meanwhile, Snape has claimed that someone has been stealing from his ingredient stash to make polyjuice potion. Even Barty Crouch Sr. has some suspicions about him. Makes Slytherins and former Death Eaters very uneasy around him. His unconventional disciplinary methods like turning an obnoxious student into a ferret doesn’t uphold to school standards. Students might be learning the wrong lesson from him.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Don’t use Transfiguration as a punishment to students. Try to cut down on drinking. Be nice to Slytherins, even if they are Death Eater children.

Grade: C+, occasionally effective but wasn’t quite himself in the end. Wonder what lessons these kids might be learning from him.

10. Remus Lupin

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: Is an accomplished and skilled wizard with extensive knowledge of dark creatures as well as charismatic. Is pleasant, mild-mannered, and scholarly figure who genuinely cares about the children under his care and is generally-well liked. Was very great with the dementor attacks by calming down utterly traumatized children with chocolate and medicine. Is unfailingly kind and considerate toward everyone as well as somewhat saner than many of his colleagues. Very accessible to his students and actually teaches them what they need to know.

Con: Has a tendency to fall ill and be absent from class during the full moon, which has caused a lot of suspicion. Was willing to help an escaped fugitive on school grounds (who turned out to be innocent, but still). And can be a real monster whenever he forgets to take his medication.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps subjecting your students and their parents to a werewolf awareness class might help explain you monthly absences. If only the Ministry would allow it.

Grade: A, if it weren’t for Snape outing you as a werewolf and the concerned parents freaking out, I would’ve kept you on. Seriously, your departure was a big loss for our school since you’re the best DADA teacher we’ve had in a long time.

11. Fillius Flitwick

Department: Charms

Pro: Is one of the nicest teachers as well as cheerful and fair to his students. Great with spells and was once a dueling champion. Even teaches the school choir in his spare time. Gentle demeanor and fierce abilities combine to create a positive learning environment. Also demonstrates great patience.

Con: Has a tendency being victimized by someone’s spell going awry. Classroom often filled with bangs, explosions, and other frightening results of miscast spells.Sometimes can even be sent flying across the classroom. Despite teaching for a long time, does not consider that Ravenclaw’s diadem was in the Room of Requirement for years. Also teaching the front doors to recognize Sirius Black and to instantly lock down if he tries to break in once more has one gaping hole. Also has altered appearance considerably since the Chamber of Secrets incident.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try to hold your ground. Other than that, I don’t know what else to recommend.

Grade: A, truly an exemplary teacher if there ever was one as well as helps that your subject is among the most important.

12. Rolanda Hooch

Department: Flying

Pro: Is rather stern and impartial as well as can teach students how to fly on brooms.

Con: Spent a considerable amount of time leaving her students unsupervised which resulted in a bullying incident that wouldn’t have happened under her watch. Also expulsion for flying a broom without her permission? Really?

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Maybe try being less strict, especially since you went gaga over one student’s new Firebolt. Also, if you want to go for a pee do it between periods, not during class (especially if there are Slytherins present).

Grade: B, not bad, but you probably have an easy teaching job anyway.

13. Quinirinus Quirrell

Department: Muggle Studies/Defense Against the Dark Arts

Pro: He’s a fine teacher while studying from books and was known to have a brilliant mind. Took a year off to get some firsthand experience. Can also be quite perfectly benevolent or so it seems. Warned staff and students about a troll in the dungeon on Halloween.

Con: Was never the same after his European travels though God only knows what went on during that time. But since he has become perpetually nervous as well as developed a stutter and nervous tics. Seems to be scared of his own students as well as his own subject and might come across as incompetent and inconfident. Snape thinks he might be after the Philosopher’s Stone in the basement. Troll was actually terrorizing a student in the girls’ bathroom. Might’ve nearly thrown a student off his broom during a Quidditch match, too. Then there’s the unicorns being slaughtered in the Forbidden Forest since he returned from his European vacation. And who knows what he has under that purple turban of his.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: How about building some self-esteem? Also, perhaps you can stop stuttering. And can you show me the back of your head?

Grade: C, teaching is so-so, but you should not try to expose students to danger.

14. Horace Slughorn

Department: Potions

Pro: Expert enough in potions that I dragged the man out of a 15 year retirement. A Slytherin who is not obsessed with blood purity and takes more to enlightened self-interest. Is willing to help his most favored students succeed. Doesn’t bully or abuse his students which makes him quite serviceable that some students demonstrated such aptitude for the first time. Is an expert fighter and extremely talented wizard.

Con: Plays favorites with his students and singles out those who are famous or well-connected for special treatment. Can be somewhat dismissive to those who fail to catch his attention. Not so above the muggle-born prejudice though he tries to prove he’s not. Also, he once discussed the idea of horcruxes with the wrong Slytherin student. Thinks students he’s helped owes him a favor though he tends to be too lazy to take advantage of this beyond asking for free concert tickets and sweets. In addition, vicarious ambition does have a dark side.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Try not to see muggle-borns as significantly less talented as their pureblood counterparts since you have had exceptional muggle born students before. Oh, and sometimes it helps to keep some lessons to yourself, especially if the student asking the question happens to be descended from Salazar Slytherin as well as has the potential to become one of the most notorious dark wizards of our time.

Grade: B-, though you are a great teacher that I had to drag out of retirement, it was worth it. However, I’m never going to let you live your horcrux explanation to Riddle down. Never.

15. Firenze

Department: Divination

Pro: Never says a single harsh word to anyone. Seems more knowledgeable in his field than Trelawney at times and calls her out on her methods. Is more friendly to humans than some of his kind and in his herd. Can take some insulting comment rather well than those in his species. At least honest in acknowledging that Divination is inexact and open to interpretation, with his brand being based on stargazing.

Con: Has a view and perspective that’s hard for students to understand. Also, is the subject of disparaging comments from many parents on letting a half horse man teaching a class.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps trying to explain the centaur Divination point of view to your students might be better. Also, maybe you should do something to raise centaur awareness so parents would be more comfortable with you.

Grade: A, I was right about you being an “acceptable” replacement though Umbridge failed to get the joke.

16. Wilhelmina Grubbly-Plank

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures (substitute basis)

Pro: Lessons are often age appropriate and is not prone to outbursts. Also, doesn’t risks any of her limbs for the sake of creature education. Threstral lesson was good and highly informative. Even praises Hagrid on his threstral care. Liked by everyone and even trusted to treat owls. Overall is a competent teacher who makes her lessons enjoyable to students

Con: Hiring her to teach the subject permanently with Hagrid wouldn’t be cheap. Also, there is some worth in teaching about more dangerous creatures though it’s generally not advisable. And she smokes a pipe in front of the kids.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Can’t think of anything save perhaps quitting smoking. Really doesn’t set a great example to the students.

Grade: A-, sorry we can’t hire you on a permanent basis, but it’s just on in our budget. Besides, Hagrid only earns a gamekeeper’s salary anyway.

17. Silvanus Kettleburn

Department: Care of the Magical Creatures

Pro: Had great affection from the staff and students during his career. Displayed great enthusiasm for his subject. Also active in student theater.

Con: Is an occasionally reckless man whose great love of the dangerous magical creatures he studied and looked after often resulted in serious injuries not only to himself but also to others. Is prone to underestimating the risks involved to caring for creatures such as Occamys, Grindylows and Fire Crabs. This led to no fewer than 62 probation periods, a record that still stands. Once set off a major fire in the Great Hall after enchanting an Ashwinder to play the Worm in “The Fountain of Fair Fortune.” Also, visits dragon sanctuaries in his spare time.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Perhaps you can practice safety in your lessons because if you keep up with this, you might finish your career with an arm and half a leg. And those wooden prosthetics I gave you don’t come cheap, which you keep having set on fire during your visits to dragon sanctuaries.

Grade: C-, all your lessons should come with a public safety disclaimer like “Don’t Try this at Home.” Also, you might want to consider retiring before you end up killing yourself.

18. Irma Pince

Department: Library

Pro: Apparently, shows dedication to her job and does not take damaged books lightly.

Con: Has been known to be unpleasant to the students, especially if they’ve either brought food in the library or doodled in the books. One incidence had her yelling at two students as well as enchanting their things to chase them out as well as whack them over their heads repeatedly as they ran. Has placed dozens of curses on the books should they be mistreated, stolen, or vandalized. I myself even made such mistake by doodling in one and found the book trying to beat me on the head. But I still can’t guarantee whether I gotten off all the curses of Quidditch Through the Ages future readers might be holding. Has been very unhelpful to students and tends to scream at them.

Areas/Suggestions for Improvement: Though I’m aware of library policies, perhaps you should at least loosen up a bit because students are scared to death of you. Also remember students aren’t the only ones who read your precious library books.

Grade: B-, while I have to admire your dedication, you have some major personality issues.