The Sacred World of Stained Glass

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 15, 2016

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Stained glass has had a 1,000 year history though throughout most of it, it was used for windows in churches (like the awesome medieval Gothic cathedrals in Europe that still stand to this day), mosques, and other significant buildings. In many ways, this makes a lot of sense since before the days of sheet glass production, glass was expensive as hell since it took a long time to make. Many buildings usually went without them. In fact, during American colonization, it was very common for many families to take their glass windows with them on the boat. Not to mention, it’s not an easy material to transport since it’s quite breakable. So you imagine how Washington and Jefferson had it when they’re building Mount Vernon and Monticello. Nevertheless, many of these large stained glass windows you see in medieval cathedrals have withstood the test of time as a form of pictoral art. Contrary to what you see in movies on the Middle Ages, walk into a Gothic cathedral during the day and you’ll find yourself in a very illuminated place with color. After all, medieval folks didn’t have access to great lighting so these magnificent cathedrals were built with large windows so it can be the brightest indoor space around. Stained glass designs can feature either abstract or figurative themes such as figures and scenes from the Bible or literature, representations of saints, or symbolic motifs. Stained glass windows within a building may also be thematic such as a church depicting scenes of the life of Christ, a mosque depicting geometrics, constituencies’ shields in a parliamentary building, figures representing the arts and sciences within a college, or images of flora, fauna, and landscapes within a home. Today, while windows continue to be the dominant work of stained glass, it can also be seen as decoration as well as as 3 dimensional objects like lamps. In fact, Charles Tiffany became very rich and famous for his stained glass lamps from the Art Nouveau period. So much so that when you look at such a lamp, you’d almost think it’s designed by him. It’s also widely used as a craft as I’ve seen a lot of stained glass panels on Pinterest or Etsy. Then you’ve seen a lot of stained glass integrated in wind chimes and suncatchers for good reason. So for your reading pleasure, I give you a treasure trove of stained glass art.

A heron always looks great near the front door.

I know this isn’t a Great Blue Heron since it has dark blue feathers. Not sure when this was made either because it seems quite stylized.

2. How about a lovely forest scene outside?

This one depicts a stream with flowers and trees. And in a rather abstract style, too.

3. A glass star looks great with blue.

Yes, you’re going to see more like these, too. Love the glass star and the blue swirls.

4. Flowers near your window? How about flowers on your window?

At least these flowers won’t wilt after a couple of weeks. Still, these are so beautiful.

5. Perhaps a landscape may cheer you up.

Here’s another stained glass landscape. This depicts a mountain scene. Love the blue lake and sky.

6. Snoopy always dances with delight in stained glass.

Okay, he seems like he’s skating. But he’s quite endearing as always.

7. If you love penguins, then this glass panel answers your prayers.

Seems like it could depict a scene from March of the Penguins. With the Morgan Freeman voiceover, this would be perfect.

8. As a practicing Catholic, I tend to be a sucker for stained glass religious imagery.

Well, I have to put some religious stuff on here. This window depicts Christ on the cross. And it’s an example of a stained glass masterpiece.

9. Never seen such a colored swordfish before.

You tend to see a lot of sea stuff on these windows as well. But the marlin jumping out of the water is sure a majestic sight.

10. This one has a Spanish church on the seashore.

I guess the Spanish church is on here because it looks great in the scene. Like the sun in this.

11. Looks like a couple of bears are roasting marshmallows at the campfire.

I know Smokey the Bear might not approve of this. But I think it’s cute, especially since it has an adult bear and cub.

12. A stained glass sculpture can always stand out in the sun.

This looks pretty huge. Look closer and you can see a face in the details.

13. Guess this one has a lovely decorated skull.

This seems like a Southwestern or Mexican stained glass panel. Possibly for Dia de la Muertos.

This seems like a Southwestern or Mexican stained glass panel. Possibly for Dia de los Muertos.

14. Sometimes all you need are flowers and butterflies.

This is one a little 3-dimensional since the butterflies have raised wings. Love the flowers, too.

15. There’s nothing like seeing the hummingbirds pollinate the flowers.

Sure some people may have hummingbird feeders (like my mom). But these hummingbirds drinking nectar as nature intended.

16. With this stained glass panel, you can look under the sea.

I think the fish should be wary of the dolphin. But this is a beautiful work of art. Love the blue sea.

17. On this panel, you’ll come across a magnificent dark horse.

This seems to take a more mosaic look. But it’s nevertheless lovely.

18. How about a some windows like your bookshelf?

I have to admit, this is very ingenious. Like how the books are different colors.

19. This white tiger really looks magnificent.

Not sure about the stripes being pink. And I don’t think the tiger looks very happy.

20. How about some flowers around your mirror?

Yes, these are stained glass flowers. And they only have a decorative purpose in this case.

21. This killer whale would certainly shine in a circle.

Like I said, stained glass ocean scenes are a thing. And orcas sure are popular.

22. Just a little blue jay admiring the flowers.

Seems like the blue jay is only a small part of this panel. But the flowers are pretty.

23. It’s always lovely to see a cardinal on the ledge.

Like ocean life, birds are another popular stained glass motif. The northern cardinal and other backyard birds especially.

24. This stained glass panel is always, “Semper Fi.”

Yes, this is one for the US Marine Corps. Not sure if there are ones for the other military branches. Probably.

25. Get a load of this flowery lamp.

Yes, that’s a stained glass lamp all right. And on a stained glass table, too. Not sure if it’s a Tiffany though.

26. Some blue violets for the window?

I guess the owners don't use the fireplace very often. Wouldn't want to see anything happen to this. Because it's so lovely.

The flowers on this are certainly exquisite. Guess this is for decorative purposes only though.

27. How about something more geometric?

Geometric designs are also popular for stained glass windows. They’re also not as difficult to produce either.

28. This heart of butterflies is something you’re bound to love.

And here this woman stands proud at her creation, I guess. Still, this is so pretty.

29. These 3 panels boast really colorful flowers.

I’m sure this is used as porch decoration. But the flowers stand out in bright colors.

30. Sometimes you can use some blue glass lighting.

Well, the style seems a bit unconventional. But you can’t go wrong with the color.

31. A glass totem will look great anywhere.

I guess this is the kind of art that comes from the Pacific Northwest. Not sure if like the color scheme though.

32. I’m sure a peacock has a beauty beyond compare.

Because peacocks have a large flower train display they use to attract mates. Like the flowers on here, too.

33. I call this one “Loon on a Snowshoe.”

Didn’t know they made stained glass displays in snowshoes. Guess they’re for decoration, then.

34. You’ve seen stained glass windows in church. But have you seen a stained glass nativity scene?

Yes, they have stained glass nativity scenes, too. May seem abstract but it does look lovely.

35. Never seen glass raccoons in a tree before.

I guess this is inlaid into a tree trunk slice. Still, the raccoons are so adorable.

36. On this tree, it’s always autumn.

Well, autumn leaves are pretty on the trees. But the autumn display doesn’t last long though.

37. Guess you call that a rainbow surrounding a black center.

Wonder if that’s supposed to be a solar eclipse or something. Might make some sense.

38. This panel seems to be bursting with flowers.

Now this is certainly the kind of Art Nouveau style you might see on old mansions. This one has a spring theme.

39. Wonder what this is supposed to be.

This is art based on Northwest Coast Native American legend. Not something from Lovecraft, but I see your point.

40. This stained glass lamp sports radiant purple flowers.

Now this is an example of what you might see in a Tiffany lamp. However, I’m not completely sure if this is one. But I have a good idea.

41. What you see through this window is pure fantasy.

I guess I was right with that. Still, you’ll have to look closer to get the idea. Beautiful though.

42. Seems like the shepherds have a couple unexpected visitors.

This one depicts angels appearing to the shepherds and announcing the birth of Christ. It’s in Luke’s Gospel. But I don’t think this window was used for a church.

43. This geometric panel has a cross in the center.

Not sure on what to make out of these geometric ones. On one hand, they look cool. But on the other hand, they just consist of a bunch of shapes.

44. Take a look at this stained glass bison from the open range.

In North America, they’re also seen as “buffalo” by the way. However, you have to love this bison’s expression.

45. Never came across a white palm tree in the sand.

Beach scenes are fairly common stained glass motifs for some reason. Not sure why.

46. This panel seems to depict a big arrowhead.

I think this style might be Southwest inspired. But I’m not sure. But I do love the colors on this.

47. This penguin family will melt your heart.

I know this is my second penguin one on this post. But I know people will find this irresistibly adorable.

48. This night scene surely has the moon shining bright.

Sure this might be a mosaic piece. But a lot of mosaics use glass for obvious reasons.

49. From window, you can see 4 kinds of birds.

Consists of a Northern Bluebird, a Chickadee, a Goldfinch, and a Northern Cardinal. All these are North American birds.

50. Have to admire the purple flowers and the chickadees.

I guess this might be fore a door. Yet, I do love the flowers on these, especially since they're purple.

I guess this might be for a door. Yet, I do love the flowers on these, especially since they’re purple.

51. A cactus flower blooming is a glorious sight.

However, you don’t want to touch a cactus though. You know, because of the needles.

52. Does this panel depict a star or a snowflake?

Either way, it sure goes well with the winter scenery. This must’ve been made with a lot of care and patience.

53. Here I give you a horse close up.

And that seems to really capture one up close. Must be made by a really good artist.

54. Here we have Mary and Jesus seated and adored by all.

Here’s another church window. But this one seems to be made in the Renaissance at least. But you have to appreciate the detail.

55. These 4 flowers always bloom bright at any season.

Mostly because they’re encased in stained glass. Love the colors though.

56. Of course, I couldn’t forget a stained glass representation of the Madonna and Child.

Because a lot of these are depicted in Catholic churches. Yet, not this well though.

57. Bet you’ve never seen a globe in glass.

This one even looks great in the light. Of course, I don’t think this was easy to pull off. But it’s worth seeing.

58. This view of the stream is simply breathtaking.

This one seems to have brighter colors than some of the landscapes on here. I especially like the purple flowers.

59. Ever had a forest inlaid in a cabinet?

Well, look no further than these cabinet doors. And yes, they’ll probably put your furniture to shame.

60. Never came across a vase of purple flowers in the window.

I bet this was for someone’s front door. But the flowers are so lovely, too.

61. How about this rose lamp for your kitchen?

This lamp of roses is for the overhead. However, not sure if it fits in a kitchen though. Dining room, maybe.

62. This panel reminds you of an ocean breeze.

Well, this is a lovely view of the beach. Like the palm trees that seem to be gently blowing.

63. Here’s a scene of a night in the mountains.

You have to admire the colors on this one. Seems to use a lot of blues and whites for a snow capped look.

64. Perhaps you’ve never seen a mountain view like this before.

Wonder what this mountain range is supposed to be. Looks kind of familiar for some reason.

65. Have you ever seen a stained glass guitar lamp?

I don’t think these guitars are for playing since they light up and are made of glass. But I couldn’t pass these up.

66. This church window really brings out brilliant colors.

Some church windows might have a lot of abstract imagery like this one. However, the symbols on this one are hard to see from this photo.

67. This stained glass room divider has a rather abstract feel.

Wonder if this is Art Nouveau or Art Deco. Sometimes it can be very hard to tell.

68. Behold, the beauty of the snowy owl.

Of course, you might see one in places like Alaska and Canada. Or in Harry Potter since Hedwig is this.

69. I’m sure you might want to take a look at this woman in green.

Now this has to be Art Nouveau for obvious reasons. However, wonder what room this was used for.

70. This glass panel comes with wings.

You see windows in that kind of style, too. However, this is just a pair of white wings.

71. I’m sure anyone would find this scene of Jesus and the children very endearing.

Well, this is a very well known biblical scene in the gospels. Still, I know this wasn’t made for a medieval cathedral.

72. Some doors open to trees. Some doors have trees on them.

Yes, this is another forest scene. But this one makes you feel like you’re in the forest. That’s different.

73. Here we come across the Queen of the Nile, Cleopatra.

Because who else is depicted like she’s way too overdressed for Ancient Egypt? Also, there might be a pyramid in the background.

74. This dove has come across a grapevine.

Christian symbolism might be at work there. However, what’s with the ivy leaves? Because I don’t know if grape leaves look like that.

75. In these folding doors you’ll find a tree.

And there’s the tree encased in stained glass. Seems to be very wide.

76. Nothing like a mountain view on a country road.

With an orange sky, this has to be a mountain sunset. And I see a fence near the dirt path, too.

77. Some might appreciate a view of a sunset on the beach.

Yes, a stained glass sunset on the beach. Notice how the sky is in yellow, orange, and purple.

78. So many birds, so many branches.

Not sure if these birds would hang out together in real life. But this makes a nice window to look at.

79. Didn’t know there were so many different color daffodils.

Because they usually come in yellow and white. Then again, these may not be daffodils.

80. These flowers look wondrous on a trellis.

I think this might be a rocky seashore scene. But the flowers on the vine get more attention and add to the color.

81. Here we come to some trees on an island.

Well, within a body of water, of course. Hope they have enough soil to spare.

82. This panel shows the splendor of a winter night.

Because the trees are covered in snow. Then again, it might just be another night scene.

83. From a mountain, out sprouts a stream.

Yes, that’s a view of a mountain stream. And it’s somewhat seems like a painting for some reason.

84. Now she must be a fine beauty in the spring.

Wonder if she’s a nymph or something. Because I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

85. This lamp is covered with branches and chickadees.

Well, this is a tall lamp that has stained glass on it. But it’s a cool lamp nonetheless.

86. If you like the American Southwest, this panel is for you.

This depicts a longhorn with Indian feathers on a desert scene. You can’t get more Southwest than that.

87. For homey types, this winter house near a bridge is perfect.

Or is it a barn? Because it looks pretty big. Then again, I don’t think it matters.

88. In this window, you’ll see a great colossus.

This is definitely something you’ll find in some rich person’s house. That’s for sure. Have to admire the detail.

89. These two dolphins will greet you at the door.

Well they’re in the door. But they’re sure to delight visitors. So cute.

90. These stained glass flowers look perfect in any window.

And you don’t have worry about watering them or wilting after a few weeks. Because they’re made of glass. But be careful around them, though.

91. As they say, geese mate for life.

But there are some people who wish Canadian geese won’t mate at all. Because they can be a nuisance.

92. Guess, this one is from the Pacific Northwest.

Because the totem pole on this is a dead giveaway. Because it’s from the Northwest Coast.

93. A peacock surely has a beautiful tail.

Yes, this is my second peacock stained glass panel. But this one has a more vivid tail. Love the feathers.

94. You’d think there was something geometric going on with this lantern.

This one uses a light to denote the mailbox number, which is 147. I won’t say where though.

95. A moose in the woods is a magnificent sight.

A moose on the road, on the other hand, is a traffic hazard to avoid. Because moose are said to kill more people than bears.

96. For yuletide joy, this snowman lamp is a delight.

I know it’s a Christmas one. But the snowmen on this are so adorable. And most stained glass lamps usually have flowers and shapes on them.

97. Now that’s one great buck.

Okay, it’s an elk. But elk are technically deer but bigger. And no, they’re not like Bambi. Neither are deer.

98. These windows have a lovely view of a violet field.

I think this might be for a mausoleum. But the light really shines through this. Like it.

99. Here this woman in red ventures to a river.

This woman seems to be in medieval dress. Or what the Victorians saw medieval dress as. Yet, it really stands out.

100. The woodpecker is on the shade while the lamp is its tree.

Another lamp I like. Love how the trunk is made to resemble wood. Wouldn’t mind owning this.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on June 16, 2016

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As long as we had LP records, we’ve had album covers, well, for the most part at least since the 1960s. As you look from above, this is an image of the Queen II album released in 1974 which isn’t one of their best known at any rate. However, those who look at it and weren’t around during the 1970s, might mistake it as an example of false advertising because the Queen band members are in a pose that’s akin to the beginning of the “Bohemian Rhapsody” video. Yet, that song is actually on the album they released the next year called A Night at the Opera, which would be their breakthrough success. Nevertheless, the pose is masterfully done. And album art wise, I think it’s better than A Night at the Opera even though the latter has better songs. Unfortunately, for all you album art afficionados out there, my album art posts aren’t meant for the masterpiece covers. In fact, quite the contrary. Rather I go for the vintage album covers that time forgot mostly because the design is pretty awful yet unintentionally funny, creepy, or inappropriate. Hell, they can even do it intentionally. So for your reading pleasure and the fact I decided to wait until after Father’s Day to do any 4th of July posts, I give you another edition of vintage album covers so tacky that you’ll forget about them until they’re seen at a yard sale.

Marcy Sings Jesus Loves Me

The woman on here doesn’t look right either. Yes, she’s smiling. But it’s a kind of smile you’d see on someone who’s high.

That’s what we need, a creepy doll singing songs about Jesus for children.

2. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord

Okay, Hairspray first came out in the 1980s as a film. And this album was released at least a decade before that. But it’s not a great analogy. But still, they use way more hairspray than an average cast member from that musical.

Or as I call it, the Christian version of Hairspray but with way more volume for the Lord.

3. Don McNeil and Eddie Ballantine and His Band: March Around the Breakfast Table

Yes, this family looks so unusually happy at breakfast time. However, wouldn’t marching around the breakfast table be difficult if you’re holding a toaster. Because I know they’re not portable.

Because nothing brings your spirits up like marching to music at breakfast.

4. Herbie Mann: Push, Push

Yes, he thinks he’s so manly with a flute in his hand. Still, this is a perfect example on why classical musicians shouldn’t really do fanservice poses on their album covers.

What? Never seen a flutist with a hairy chest.

5. Jimmy Jenson: Understand Your’e Swede

I know it’s supposed to be Understand You’re Swede. But someone placed an apostrophe at the wrong place. Also, why the hell is the mom wearing a miniskirt in the woods?

Unfortunately, Jimmy Jenson’s proofreader was busy.

6. Elliot Lawrence: Music for Trapping

Now it’s one thing if a man puts deer heads on his wall. But if he puts heads of his ex-girlfriends, you should probably call 911. I can understand that the woman is understandably creeped out since she’s found herself in a horror movie.

And by “trapping,” I don’t think he means woodland creatures.

7. Introducing Mr. Versatile the Fabulous Willis Wade

That has to be one of the most hideous suits I have ever seen. Those cars look pretty lame, too.

Guess he’s a musician with no fashion sense and who doesn’t know how to get out of traffic.

8. Bob Fleming Plays Boleros

Guess it wouldn’t be bad without a little knight music. Still, I think it would be very hard to play a saxophone in a suit of armor. Hope he doesn’t go medieval on you.

Featuring a saxophone solo by Sir Saxelot.

9. Paul Mickelson: Plays for Youth

Of course, Paul’s friends started to wonder whether he had strayed from his Lord and got into some hallucinogenic brown acid. Yeah, there must be something really wrong with him. This is freaky.

Alone at his organ, Paul imagined tiny Christian teens.

10. Nicky Cruz: The Cross and the Switchblade

Note that the guy's smiling face is juxtaposed on a painting depicting multiple murders. Yeah, kids do the craziest things sometimes.

Note that the guy’s smiling face is juxtaposed on a dark painting depicting multiple murders. Yeah, kids do the craziest things sometimes.

Or as I call it, “Finding Jesus in a Time of Gang Violence.”

11. Dave Harris and the Powerhouse Five: Dinner Music for a Pack of Hungry Cannibals

No, Stacy, this isn't a nice soak in a ho tub before dinner. Because you are dinner. In fact, you're the main course.

No, Stacy, this isn’t a nice soak in a hot tub before dinner. Because you are dinner. In fact, you’re the main course. Favorite album of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

For some reason, this blonde seems rather excited about being cooked alive in a boiling pot over a fire.

12. Leith Stevens and His Orchestra: Jazz Themes for Cops and Robbers

Still, that image of someone pointing a gun just makes me uncomfortable for some reason. Perhaps because it seems like it’s pointed right at me.

For when the speaker music at the bank during a simple hold up job just doesn’t cut it.

13. Obren Pjevovic

Man, that man seems remarkably calm while riding a falling bomb that’s bound to blow him up to oblivion. And he has it between his legs, which suggests a rather subtle meaning entirely.

For some reason, the Soviet version of Dr. Strangelove was never put into production.

14. Tortura: The Sounds of Pain and Punishment

Who knew that they had vintage BDSM albums? Also, notice that this cover only features women.

A musical selection chosen especially from the 50 Shades of Christian Grey archives.

15. Schytts: Halligang 6

Here’s what their page says: “For a lot of ages now, since aerly in the middle of 1968, we have brought our mark of by far musice to people of our country, and China also in dovesound. We have stipulated with many in the worlds. Now enjoying of ours fine becoming obsolete to the future coldplay confesses reactive ideas.” Yeah, they need spellcheck badly.

Apparently, their music is said to be a creative rendition of crap.

16. Lenny Dee: Down South

Guess this guy is in Florida since it’s the ocean. Still, the girl in this is dressed up like a ballerina in high heeled shoes.

Because where else could you play piano on a motorboat and watch a girl water ski at the same time.

17. Ana Kathleen Brady: God’s Chosen Puppet

Okay, this is creepy. With strings attached and an uneasy smile, this Christian woman is scaring the bejesus out of me.

Now with ribbon strings that go up to the Lord Almighty.

18. Jerry Irby: Hot Line to Heaven

Sorry, but people don’t associate plaid suits as a mark of godliness. Rather he’s probably a musician whose day job is a 1920s bootlegger on Boardwalk Empire.

Answered by a man with a guitar with the fashion sense of a used car salesman.

19. LSD: Battle for the Mind

Nevertheless, this design seems straight out of some horror movie from the 1980s. And it doesn’t seem something I’d take seriously.

Based on a hallucinogenic acid trip gone horribly, horribly wrong.

20. Jack Carey: ….In Jesus’ Name

No, I don’t want to see a guy like that coming down the stairs. I don’t care if he has a Bible in his hand. this guy’s creeping me out.

Featuring sacred music performed by a man who looks like a 1970s version of Jim Carrey as a sex offender.

21. Mattie McFerrin: Keep a Light Shining Bright

Still, if anything happens to that oil lamp, everything in that picture will go up in smoke. Not to mention, a lot of hair spray can make a coif like that particularly flammable.

And keep that lamp away from her hair.

22. Ronnie Neuman: At the Padded Cell

These guys seem to take prison time with so much stride. Hope the real hardened criminals don’t do anything to their instruments. Because that would be bad.

Featuring songs like “Jailhouse Rock,” “Prisoners of Love,” “House of the Rising Sun,” and “Cell Block Tango.”

23. Hal Willis: Mr. Lumberjack

Of course, he was probably aiming for realism here. Because who cares what you wear when you’re chopping down trees in the woods (besides protective gear)?

Because a man with a striped rainbow coat and an axe is a pinnacle of masculinity.

24. Teen Challenge Addicts Choir

For some reason, they have kid choir juxtaposed with a person shooting up. I don’t know why they thought this was a good idea. Because it’s not.

For those young born again junkies shooting up for their Lord.

25. Les Pallbearer and His All-Ghoul Orchestra: Music for Morticians

Hopefully, this doesn’t have the kind of music that would wake the dead. Guaranteed to give you the “fun” in funeral before you take a trip the destination of 6 feet under.

The kind of music that’ll make you feel good as you make the dead look good.

26. The Gospel Rhythm-Aires: I’ll Never Be Afraid

For some reason, I don’t see a volcano destroying an entire city as one of a doomsday message of faith, hope, and salvation. In fact, it’s more like an apocalyptic scenario guaranteed to make me shit my pants.

Guess these people kind of know where they’re a gonna’ go when the volcano blows.

27. Yvette Horner: Bal Chez Yvette

A smoking dog playing the accordion? Now that’s pretty messed up. Wonder how they came up with that idea.

Featuring her smoking and sunglasses wearing dog Blackie at the accordion.

28. The Best of Marcel Marceau

So let me get this straight, Marcel Marceau actually released an album? How does that work? Because he’s not known for his audio recordings.

Heard it’s great for French mime parties. Just two sides of absolute silence.

29. Steve Allen: Electrified Favorites

Yeah, I don’t think being near electrical devices while soaking your feet is a good idea. Might get you killed.

Featuring one of his last known original songs, “Burned to a Crisp.”

30. Music to Clean Up Stream Pollution By

Ironically, this was created by Union Carbide, the chemical company that brought you the 1984 Bhopal disaster in India that has left an estimated 500,000 exposed and 20,000 dead from its effects. It’s like an album saving ocean life that was produced by BP.

Listen to the tunes such as Big Mouth Billy Bass’s “Don’t Take Me to the River.”

31. Elmer G. Letterman: Personal Power Through Creative Selling

Uh, I don’t think property damage through nuclear holocaust isn’t covered. Because that’s considered a risky investment. Still, why the hell do they have a mushroom cloud on this album? Seriously, why?

Let this big name insurance expert literally blow your mind.

32. The Nickel Family Singers: Love Is Why and Other Devotional Themes

For some reason, the people’s heads in this seem photoshopped to their bodies. Also, the kids seem like they’re straight out of the Village of the Damned wearing red suits. Bound to give anyone nightmares.

Because there’s nothing like a wholesome Christian album featuring a family that will creep you out.

33. Mellodies of Dick Kossins

So this band is basically controlled by some old lady who’s using the musicians as marionettes. Do you see how messed up that is?

Musicians orchestrated by some old lady puppetmeister in a blue dress.

34. Reverend Danny Nance: Jesus and Superman

And it seems that the people are paying more attention to Jesus than the Man of Steel. Then again, after what he did in Man of Steel, I think Jesus might need to teach Superman a lesson in incurring collateral damage.

Because for many these are men of truth, justice, and the American way. But while one may save the day, the other will save your soul from eternal damnation.

35. Jed Ford: I Saw the Light

Then again, he might’ve mistaken the light for the sun. Or he might’ve meant it as a metaphor for a spiritual awakening. However, his suit on the other hand, seems like he bought it from a cartoon resale shop.

However, it was so blindingly bright that I now wear shades.

36. Moostash Joe: “Dance Little Bird”

Then again, given the outlandish songs at costumes at Eurovision, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone performed this song in such a costume. Also, seems more like a funky chicken to me.

Said to be “Europe’s most popular song.”

37. Rare Gold

I’m sorry, but the guy in the album reminds me so much of Ted Cruz who almost everyone hates. And I’d not want him to put a gold chain around my neck.

Or as I call it, “The Courtship and Marriage of Senator Ted Cruz.”

38. Money Is To Burn

Now that’s guy’s a complete idiot. Putting your money in your grill. Bet he’s going to regret that.

Featuring songs like “Cookin’ the Books” and “Fiscal Inferno.”

39. Star Point: Keep on It

Apparently to them, the disco years are alive and well in outer space. Too bad, they’d look like they come from the 1970s on Earth.

Looks like this is from a non-existent funky disco future.

40. Beth Brown: School Book for Dogs

Uh, dogs don’t go to school unless if it’s for service or obedience. Also, I don’t think dogs read either. Ridiculous.

Because with how things are going these days, your pooch might need to learn the skills to get by in this dog-eat-dog world.

41. The Joy Boys: Cookin’ Up a Party

I’m sorry but I don’t think confetti is even edible. It’s also quite flammable, too. So I wouldn’t want any near a stove.

However, just don’t ask them to cook up any food on the stove.

42. Yngwie J. Malmstein: Trilogy

Uh, does he have any idea that the dragon is burning up his guitar? Perhaps it’s not a magical object after all.

Behold, 3 headed dragon, the power of my magic electric guitar!

43. Cocktails Dancing: Cocktail Music for Robots

Let me guess, is this a disco album? Thought so. Still, they seem to do quite fine in a place known to have no atmosphere whatsoever.

Since when would robots ever enjoy cocktails? I don’t get it.

44. Green and Iles: Keep It Gay Conversational Music

Even more funny is that this features a straight couple as far as we know. Yeah, they’re totally not keeping it gay in the modern context.

Nowadays, this title has a very different meaning.

45. Jimmy Fontana: Non Te Ne Andare

I’m sure the kidnappers will have no trouble getting the ransom from her loved ones. After all, she seems like a gorgeous woman. But still, this is a really messed up cover. Being kidnapped and tied up like that isn’t sexy in most situations.

Guess it means something along the lines of “all tied up.”

46. Leona Anderson: Music to Suffer By

You know if it’s music to suffer by, chances are that you don’t want to listen to it. Also, the broken record speaks for itself.

For some reason, I bet the music on this album isn’t any good.

47. Anna Russell in Darkest Africa

Now this is really racist. Really, depicting African tribesmen as hostile like this really offends the people there. Seriously, they’re not all like that.

And I see that she managed to get put in a basket by a bunch of headhunters, I mean African tribesmen.

48. Jim Post: I Love My Life

And another example of attempted fanservice gone wrong. Yeah, kind of seems like a mad guy having the shower curtain pulled on him.

And for extra sales, he’s going shirtless under a waterfall.

49. Kevin Rowland: My Beauty

No, I don’t think a guy trying on his girlfriend’s clothes is a good idea. Mostly because they’d mostly be too small and will be stretched out anyway.

Featuring him getting dressed in women’s clothes, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

50. Dick Black and His Band: A Taste of Dick Black

Now this looks like it could pass for a mundane album cover without a fuss. If only if it weren’t that this accordion player has a very unfortunate name. Because the title is unintentionally hilarious.

Please don’t tell me what I think it means.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 6, 2015

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As you probably know by now, Christmas albums are what many recording artists are contractually obligated to do during their summer vacations. And yes, if you work in retail, you’ll have to deal with Christmas music for several hours straight that you’ll soon have all the songs stuck in your head. Let’s just say hearing the torture of Wham!’s “Last Christmas” one thing I don’t miss about working at Macy’s this holiday season. And let’s just say that after the holiday season, these Christmas albums will end up at some discount rack at Big Lots. Last year, I did a post on vintage Christmas album covers that many of you have taken to. So I decided to do another one since there are so many vintage album covers out there pertaining to Christmas. And yes, many of them are amusingly horrible beyond all description that you have to see for yourself. So without further adieu, here is a treasure trove of more vintage Christmas album covers for when you really need a break from hearing all the Christmas music in your head after a shopping trip.

Sesame Street: Merry Christmas

Uh, let’s just hope that Bert got tangled in the bead garlands by accident. But since people think they’re gay and Fifty Shades of Grey being a pop culture hit, this is probably one of the most unintentionally inappropriate children’s album covers of all time. I mean Grover and Cookie Monster now look understandably horrified at the moment.

Nothing beats a wholesome family Christmas like hearing your favorite yuletide carols while Ernie and Bert decorate their Christmas tree with Grover and Cookie Monster.

2. Jingle Cats: Merry Christmas

Good: Might help curb rodent infestations. Bad: Seriously, “Jingle Bells” is annoying as it is but do you really want to listen to cats meowing to it? Ugly: Might give your cat an inferiority complex.

Finally a Christmas album for the crazy cat fan that has felines singing 2o holiday classics.

3. Dean Martin: A Winter Romance

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I think Dino might have to watch out for the creepy blond woman who’s plotting to murder his girlfriend in a way that it would look like an accident. Yeah, let’s just say women like that would make a winter romance turn into a winter nightmare.

Nothing says Christmas like snow, skiing, and having a very creepy stalker obsession with Dean Martin.

4. The Joyful Sounds: Guide Me Lord

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As someone who’s seen Hairspray, I think these women have more chemicals in their hair than the whole cast put together. Wonder how long it took for these women to style their hair in the morning.

Celebrate the birth of our Lord with yuletide Christian music, modestly red and blue dresses with white collars and cuffs, and tons of hairspray.

5. Christmas at Our House

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think Uncle Charlie’s idea of playtime involves toy trains or toys of any other kind. I think it involves Uncle Charlie doing unspeakable things to Billy in the bathroom.

“C’mon, Billy, be a dear and spend time with your Uncle Charlie this Christmas. You only get to see him few times a year.”

6. Asleep at the Wheel: Merry Texas Christmas Y’all

I understand Asleep at the Wheel is the group’s name. But I’m not sure if it makes a great name to put on a Christmas album cover. It just brings to mind a car accident waiting to happen instead of good cheer. Also the armadillo is freaky.

In Texas, they tend to celebrate Christmas a little differently with decorations like armadillos, cowboy boots, cacti, and longhorn skulls.

7. Christmas at the Devil’s House

“Santa, ramp up your amp and play your guitar hard./’Cause Hell’s broke loose in North Pole and the Devil deals the cards./And if you win you get this shiny guitar made of gold,/But if you lose the devil gets your soul……”

When the Devil went down to Georgia, he challenged Johnny to the fiddle duel. When Santa went to hell, they dueled with electric guitars.

8. Rusty Diamonds: Rusty Diamonds Vol. 4 X-mas Project

Now I’m not sure what to make of pose. I mean her nipples are showing and you can almost see her crotch. That ain’t right.

Of course, sex sells in the music industry. So during the Christmas season having a cover of a girl in a Santa hat and spandex helps.

9. Charo: (Mamacita) ¿Donde Esta Santa Claus?

Wonder how Charo managed to survive winter without losing her legs. Seriously, high red stockings will not keep you warm below freezing temperatures.

When looking at this my question to Charo is “¿Donde esta su pantalones? ¡Esta frio, su pendejo!”

10. Michele Richard: Noel

Seems like Santa Claus really isn’t enjoying being hugged in this photo op. But he just didn’t have the courage to say, no, no, no.

While Santa may delight having children sit on his lap, this isn’t always the case with teens and adults.

11. Dj Scream Kickstand: Santa Claus: Toys, Trees, and Snow

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Now I see nothing wrong with a gangta rap Christmas album. And I don’t see anything wrong with a black Santa either. However, seeing Santa wielding an AK-47 is just plain wrong.

Because nothing says “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” like Santa Claus wearing a bandanna and sunglasses while wielding an AK-47.

12. Celtic Woman: Home for Christmas

Of course, when designing Celtic Woman’s Christmas album, it’s said that Lisa Frank’s dog got loose and took a giant dump all over it. They were never able to clean up the mess.

Now I can’t decide whether this album design is supposed to be a Christmas tree or a technicolor turd.

13. NORAD Tracks Santa

Of course, if you want to track Santa on Christmas Eve, maybe it’s better to listen to NORAD on the radio. Why get Santa news reports from a record anyway? Kind of freaky if you think about it.

Finally, an album tracking Santa’s movements from the North Pole on Christmas Eve.

14. Merry Music for Christmas

While Cindy and Randy played like sports during the photo shoot, Janie wanted none of that. Of course, they had to go with the best photo in the bunch.

Apparently one of these kids would like to offer a second opinion.

15. Adventures in Carols

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Not sure if that rocket’s going to hold all the toys, Danta. Also, what’s with the other Santas at the launch site? Or are they elves? I don’t know.

This year, instead of a sleigh, Santa will deliver all the toys to kids from a rocket that’s launched from a large anti-aircraft gun.

16. Mickey Rooney: Merry, Merry Micklemas

Looking at him like this, I find it hard to believe this guy was a huge star in his prime as well as married 8 times. One of these was Ava Gardner out of all people. Vanity Fair said he’s “the original Hollywood trainwreck.”

Nothing beats Christmas than seeing and old Mickey Rooney in a Santa beard and long underwear.

17. Sufjan Stevens and Friends: Let It Snow!: Songs for Christmas Vol. 9

For God’s sake, who the hell thought this would make a great idea for a Christmas album cover? This is just totally sick. Hopefully, this album came out before the Jerry Sandusky scandal at Penn State. But I may be wrong.

Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a boy taking a steaming hot shower.

18. Nina and Frederik: Christmas at Home with Nina and Frederik

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From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “From the looks of Frederik, there’s only one of four things he wants to do this Christmas. 1. Sex you up. 2. Chop you into little pieces. 3. Sex you up and then chop you into little pieces. 4. Chop you into little pieces and then sex you up.” Why doesn’t he just make it convenient and get a woodchipper like in Fargo? Oh, sorry about that, Steve Buschemi.

When it comes to the holidays, Nina and Frederik prefer to spend Christmas at their peaceful cabin in the woods.

19. Stan and Doug: Yust Go Nuts on Christmas

From Cracked: “Ah, nothing says Christmas like a cross-dressing, possibly mentally challenged man fighting Santa over an ugly doll. It’s just like in that classic Christmas carol, ‘I Saw Mommy Try to Stop Daddy from Wearing Her Dresses and Cold-Cocking Santa.'” Don’t ask me, I wasn’t consulted.

Okay, not sure if I want to know what that guy in the little boy get up is doing to that doll. Or why Santa is touching it.

20. Dear Santa Let’s Disco

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I pray to God that this girl is at least 18. Because from her eyes, I don’t think she just wants to disco with Santa. Also, why would anyone want to disco with Santa?

Nothing says Christmas in the Disco Era like a supposedly teenage girl erotically licking a candy cane.

21. Christopher Bowes: Christmas at the Organ

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From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “Think of it ladies-an evening of Mr. Bowes regaling us on his male organ and drinking his drugged wine, waiting to open the gifts of boxed-up body parts under the tree. Happy holidays!” I’ll pass, thank you very much. Seriously, I don’t want to drink with this guy.

There’s nothing more romantic at Christmas than spending a night near the tree drinking wine with a guy who might resemble a potential date rapist or serial killer.

22. Paul Holt: Fifty Grand for Christmas

Then again, he probably wishes he had 50 grand for Christmas. But with this album cover, he probably should’ve went with “I’ll Be Broke for Christmas.”

Of course, this guy wished he had 50 grand for Christmas. But he had to settle for a cheap album cover with some cheap ass hookers.

23. Dennis Day: Dennis Day Sings Christmas Is for Family

Of course, Jack Benny played the violin badly as part of his comic routine. However, I don’t think his comedy translates well when he’s in a Santa suit. Also, I think the kids are more anxious about opening presents than Jack Benny anyway.

Yes, kiddos, enjoy Christmas morning in your jammies with a private violin recital by the great Jack Benny in a Santa suit. Fun for the whole family.

24. Carol Channing: The Year Without a Santa Claus

Yes, that’s Carol Channing. Yes, she’s a famous celebrity. No, I don’t think she made a lot of horror movies. Yeah, I do think her face is bound to give little children nightmares.

From looking at this cover, I’m wondering if The Year Without a Santa Claus is a horror story.

25. The New Christy Minstrels: Christmas with the Christies

Yeah, decorate your hair with ornaments and lights. Of course, you’d have to walk slow so the baubles won’t fall off. And you can’t walk too far from the electrical outlet those lights are plugged in.

For festive holiday hair this Christmas, find a style you can decorate like a Christmas tree.

26. Fats Domino: Christmas Is a Special Day

That poor pooch probably doesn’t care for photo ops. Or maybe Fats Domino Christmas music. Wonder why it looks so blase. What a way to ruin a picture.

Yes, Christmas is a special day, indeed. But for Fats’s bichon frise, it doesn’t seem a happy one.

27. Mickey Gilley: Christmas at Gilley’s

Uh, Santa, I don’t think it’s a good idea to drive a magic reindeer pulled sleigh while under the influence. I mean this is how some kids get the wrong toys.

When Santa comes to the Gilleys, he always likes to raise a bottle of Texas booze while the country music’s playing.

28. Stan Freberg: Green Christmas and the Meaning of Christmas

I think this is supposed to be a satire on Christmas commercialism, consumerism, and materialism. And from how I see his face, he kind of looks pretty depressed about it.

Of course, his idea of a “green” Christmas has more to do with the Benjamins than with saving the environment.

29. Gunther & the Sunshine Girls: Christmas Song (Ding Dong)

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “I’m thinking our friend Gunther gets his “ding dong” licked by that poor, wretched dog each night. That ‘stache and Gunther’s pouty lips make me want to cancel Christmas.”

Okay, is that a guy or a woman in drag? I can’t really tell.

30. The Mastertone Orchestra: A Singer Christmas for the Family

This boy seems like: “A sewing machine? What kind of lame ass gift is that? Why couldn’t you let me unwrap a Roughrider BB gun that I asked for?”

Because nothing excites the family on Christmas morning more than a new Singer sewing machine.

31. Archie Wood and his Friends: Christmas Album

Okay that castle looks fairly run down. Not sure what to make out about the dogs. But I have to admit, that dummy is just completely terrifying if you ask me.

Think of this bunch as a mashup of Mister Rogers Neighborhood and your worst childhood nightmares.

32. Muzak: Stimulus Progression No. 3 Christmas

Heard they play this kind of music at Guatanamo Bay and in customer service departments. Let’s just say that Muzak is what they play on occasions like enhanced interrogations, when you’re on hold, or to drive away some unruly teens from loitering.

Because nothing makes Christmas better than hearing your favorite yuletide carols in the form of elevator music.

33. Perry Como: The Perry Como Christmas Album

Now my grandma is a huge fan of this guy. Still, with a voice like his and tons of fan girls, they should’ve been able to come up with a better design than some creepy photoshop like this.

Celebrate Christmas by listening to music coming from Perry Como’s disembodied head on a Christmas wreath.

34. Ray Charles: The Spirit of Christmas

Look, Ray Charles is a musical legend and a great singer and musician. Love his music and love Ray. However, this is not the kind of guy who should be driving a one horse open sleigh. Seriously, the guy’s blind as a bat. Not to mention, he wasn’t quite sober and clean.

If you think Perry Como’s head on wreath was creepy, you should see Ray Charles driving a sleigh.

35. Jimmy Pelham: Santa! Watch Your Claws

And it seems like Mommy and Santa are about to be getting into the nasty. Yes, Santa is a pervert and a very naughty boy.

If you think seeing mommy kissing Santa Claus was traumatizing, how about seeing mommy sitting on Santa’s lap?

36. Harry Secombe: Christmas Cheer

You know the creepy uncle you only see on holidays? You know the one who travels around in a windowless van your parents won’t let you in? Well, he released a Christmas album.

Because Santa Claus isn’t the only fat guy around who likes children around him. But at least Harry Secombe doesn’t need to sneak into their houses.

37. Six Million Dollar Man: Christmas Adventures

From The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit: “I thought the Six Million Dollar Man was supposed to be a good guy? Based on this cover, it seems as if he’s killed Santa, put on his costume, and jettisoned St. Nick’s corpse into space on board a rocket. Man, that’s effed up. Jolly ol’ Steve Austin looks like he’s getting some kind of sick thrill from the whole thing – check out that demonic smirk. Later, Austin uses his bionic powers to crush the Elves’ Revolt. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard the sound of an elf’s windpipe being crushed in slo-mo.”

Spend the holiday season listening to 4 exciting adventures from the Six Million Dollar Man.

38. Ben Best: Happy Christmas Party: The Best of Ben Best

I don’t think Ben Best looks like this and I have no idea who that guy is. Still, why the designer had to resort to the most uncreative gimmick to sell this album is beyond me. Yeah, let’s hope she gets some clothes for Christmas.

Of course, you can’t have a Christmas party without a naked girl surrounded by presents.

39. AC/DC: Mistress for Christmas

Now that’s no way to treat a lady. Looks like Bon Scott has basically kidnapped her and now he’s probably in very deep shit. Yeah, he has a weird look in his face.

Uh, Bon Scott, I don’t think you get a mistress for Christmas by grabbing some lady in a Santa dress by the legs.

40. Bootsy Collins: Christmas Is 4 Ever

Yes, marvel at Bootsy’s wonderful divine powers at his celestial creation of a big ass star. Yeah, his Christmas town is sure shining tonight.

Of course, Christmas is forever, as far as I know since Bootsy Collins is an overlord and deity of a snow globe Christmas town.

41. Indo G: Christmas N’ Memphis: Christmas Will Never Be the Same

I don’t know about you. But robbing a bank is very naughty, Santa Claus. And it can lead to a long prison sentence. You don’t want to go there.

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” and “Peace on Earth, Goodwill Toward Men” than the sight of Santa Claus being held by guns for robbing a bank.

42. The Carolleers: Favorite Christmas Carols

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I don’t know about you. But something tells me that Johnny’s new girlfriend Jenny might be a vampire. I don’t know why, just look at her eyes and teeth. Not that it’s none of my business.

Yes, nothing warms your heart on Christmas than having strangers show up at your door and sing annoying songs to you.

43. Andre Kostelanetz and his Orchestra: Nutcracker Suite

From Cracked: “Why is a wolf-tiger hybrid groping its own tail while it plots to eat that girl? Why is a clown head sitting in a bush? Was the clown decapitated? If so, why’d he die with such a smile on his face? What part of the Nutcracker Suite was that in? Is that a log next to the clown head, or a slowly decomposing alligator? Why isn’t the cold preserving its corpse? Has there always been this much snow in hell? So many questions.” Yes, this is a cover that’s bound to give any child nightmares. And the ballet was pretty creepy, too.

Of course, I couldn’t do a Christmas album post this year without including Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite.

44. The Rhodes Kids: Rock n’ Rhodes Christmas

From Chudbeaglemusic Blog: “It has been said the studio sessions for The Rhodes Kids were fraught with debauchery of cocaine binges, physical fights, sexual attacks on stuffed animals and worse yet…those ghastly outfits. The Rhodes Kids currently have a massive following in Fiji and still tour there.”

Seems like the Rhodes Kids have been good enough this year for a personal visit from Santa Claus himself.

45. Cee Lo Green: Cee Lo’s Magic Moment

Now this is just so ridiculous like that Chess King vintage ad from the 1980s. But man, it’s sure a purple yuletide dream or nightmare.

While Santa has his sleigh and reindeer, Cee Lo has his flying sports car pulled by majestic and magical white horses.

46. Silver Sounds of Christmas

Now I heard they used this bird in a movie called The Snowbird Before Christmas. It was a slasher horror movie. And yes, this guy was the one killing everyone on Christmas Eve.

Hear the silver sounds of Christmas and freak out your child with an album of a scary Santa bird on the cover.

47. Sherwin Linton: Christmas Memories

Kids, you might not like getting clothes for Christmas. But if you do, you will never look as tacky as this guy. Yes, the 1970s weren’t the best decade for fashion.

Yes, nothing’s better on Christmas morning than sitting down with your pair of pink platform shoes and a horrendously ugly sweater.

48. Sy Mann: Switched on Santa

Still, I was expecting Santa to have access to state of the art technology most intelligence agencies operate on. This makes me a bit disappointed. Oh wait, that’s a synthesizer, dammit. Yeah, those can be quite annoying.

So that’s how Santa spies on kids to know whether they’re bad or good. So you better be good for goodness sake.

49. Jeri Kelly: Poor Ole’ Santa Claus

I don’t know about you. But I really have a bad feeling about that girl seeing Santa in his underwear and a present behind his back.

Poor Santa. Someone stole his suit and now he has nothing on but long underwear.

50. Yuletide Disco

I’m sure wearing garlands of tinsel might not cover you up for long. And I’m sure it’s not comfortable to wear. Also, looks incredibly ridiculous. Just saying.

Because, ladies, Christmastime is a time of year when you put on the tight pants and tinsel and boogie.

The Carving World of Wood Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on September 29, 2015

We use wood for all kinds of things. We use it to build stuff. We use it to make furniture. We use it to burn for fuel. However, there are some people who use wood for creating works of art whether through carving, chainsaw, or whatever. Of course, I’m talking about wood sculpture. Sure you might see some neat carvings at festivals. Still, while wood may be flammable, biodegradable, and vulnerable to insect damage, it’s fairly easy material to sculpt. Unlike metal, you don’t need to make a mold or use any fire unless you want to. Unlike glass, it’s not delicate and easily breakable (well, for the most part). Unlike clay and ceramics, you don’t need to put it in a kiln. And unlike stone, you don’t need to continuously hammer it with a chisel unless you want to. Just take any assortment of cutting tools from your local hardware store and cut away. Not to mention, wood is a rather light material and take in fine detail. Nevertheless, wood sculpting has been extremely widely practiced and forms an important but hidden element of many cultures. The Native Americans tribes in the Pacific Northwest are a major example since they build totem poles (though we know little of how that tradition developed since wood tends to decay. And outdoor sculpture doesn’t last long). But you’d find some form of wood sculpting tradition all over the world which is still practiced today. I mean you still have wood sculpting at festivals in the summer and fall as well as contests. Hell, you can even buy some wood sculptures for indoor use online. Of course, some types of wood are easier to carve in than others. So without further adieu, I now present to you an assortment of wood sculptures for your reading pleasure.

Seems like this fox is either stumped or is just standing on a stump.

Now that’s a nice color for a fox like that. However, I’m not sure if that’s the color of the wood or spray paint.

2. Of course, eagles will always have to fly back to the nest.

Birds are a popular motif in wood sculpture. And you’ll see a lot. However, how I see it, I think the dad is the one taking care of the chicks while the mom is spreading her wings. Because in bald eagles, the female is supposed to be bigger.

3. It seems that Mary’s little lamb has sprouted some big horns.

Contrary to popular belief, sheep aren’t docile or dumb as you think they are. Sheep actually have good memories and are very social animals. Also, if cornered some will attack you. Rams are also pretty aggressive that they’re used as mascots on sports teams.

4. You might see wood sculptures a lot during special events in the summer and fall. However, you wouldn’t see sculptures of nudes like this one.

No, can’t show that in front of the kids. But at least she has a lot of highly defined features. Though I’m not sure about whether her boobs would be real if she was an actual person.

5. In North America, there is no better known red bird than the Northern Cardinal.

Now the cardinal is a very pretty bird as I can admit. However, this doesn’t mean that it seven states should adopt it as their state bird. Yeah, apparently when it comes to state birds, originality doesn’t seem to be the focus here.

6. This old crow is a wise and strong one among his tribe.

Then again, this might be a raven if it comes from the Pacific Northwest. They tend to be significant among that culture.

Then again, this might be a raven if it comes from the Pacific Northwest. Ravens tend to be significant among that culture. And it’s also wearing the tribal robes.

7. Of course, I wouldn’t want to cross this hawk on wood.

Not sure what the hawk is. Know it’s not a red tailed or red shoulder. But it almost looks real.

8. Yes, I’m certain that bears and birds of prey can exist on the same tree.

And I guess the eagles eat whatever the bears catch. Then again, these may be cubs. The owl just goes out alone for critters.

9. Try to dance in these dancing shoes.

Then again, these shoes really don’t look appropriate for clog dancing. Or ballet. Or anything. Of course, they’re just for show.

10. When it comes to trees, none is more magnificent than the Tree of Life.

Now this was a sculpture that is carved from wood. Wood comes from a tree, which is currently dead from how I can tell it. See the irony here?

11. Of course, a wine chalice must always be covered in vines.

Wonder if they use something like this in churches. Then again, it’s probably too delicate. Still, you have to admire the craftsmanship.

12. Now is the time for this owl to spread its wings.

Yes, it’s a day time sculpture and I know that owls are active at night. But it’s still quite detailed and magnificent, I may add.

13. Now a soaring hawk can be frightening as well as magnificent as it swoops for prey in flight.

Hard to believe that this hawk sculpture looks so lifelike. Seems like there’s nothing to keep it held up. Love the feathers, too.

14. Ironically, water usually tends to extinguish an open flame. Not this time.

But if you try to set this statue on fire, I’m sure it will burn. And you will most likely get in big trouble for arson.

15. It can be wise to avoid a dragon, especially when it’s hanging out with its reptilian friends.

As you can see, this is an Asian carving. Probably from China or Japan. Not sure how old it is. But somehow it seems East Asian dragons tend to have scales and feathers.

16. Seems like this bird feels like letting out a loud, “kaw.”

If crows and ravens can talk, I guess you can hear them say, “I just love the smell of roadkill in the morning.” Seriously, the smell of decaying flesh is a delicious aroma to them.

17. Looks like one buck has just become dinner for a pack of wolves.

Actually, wolves don't act like this in real life. To them, going after a strong buck is just plain stupid. Wolves go after easier prey like the very young, sick, weak, and very old. Hell, if you see a pack of wolves eating a full grown animal, it's likely to be old and dead of natural causes. Yes, wolves will wait for an adult animal to die.

Actually though quite dramatic, wolves don’t act like this in real life. To them, going after a strong buck is just plain stupid. Wolves go after easier prey like the very young, sick, weak, and very old. Hell, if you see a pack of wolves eating a full grown animal, it’s likely to be old and dead of natural causes. Yes, wolves will wait for an adult animal to die.

18. Now here we come to a rather playful little elephant.

Let’s hope the tusks on this one aren’t made from real ivory. Because that would be bad. Very bad, indeed.

19. A rose may be a rose but this one seems to have a lot of shavings.

Now that’s a huge rose. Probably derived from a chainsaw carving. Kind of looks obvious. Wonder how they’ll shake off the shavings.

20. Now this toucan certainly has a stunning beak to behold.

This is a sculpture from Costa Rica where many toucans live. Not sure which one this is. Still, very colorful beak.

21. Seems like this polar bear prefers to stand on its stump.

Now this little polar bear is adorable. Though its eyes seem a little sad. Of course, I’m not sure how it would handle climate change with the ice caps melting.

22. Now this snowy owl always seems like a beautiful snowbird in flight.

Of course, I see where it’s hung. However, it’s still quite gorgeous with its wings spread out like that. Kind of see why Harry had an owl like this.

23. Now this is where you put your leather jacket.

Actually that wooden jacket may look real. But it wouldn’t be comfortable to wear. Well, if you can wear it. Also, what’s in that pocket?

24. Now this woman is enjoying a stroll in her new hat.

And something seems to catch her eye. But I don’t know what. Still, her hat seems a bit flat for some reason.

25. Now that is one big, scary moth.

Man, those wings look huge. And I bet they weren’t easy to carve with a chainsaw. Still, big bugs are terrifying. Need I say more?

26. Of course, you always have to stop and smell the flowers.

Now these look quite lifelike. If they were painted with the right colors, I might not be able to distinguish them from the real thing.

27. Still, I hear that a light bulb can brighten a room any day.

Except if it’s carved from wood. Yeah, I know this wouldn’t do well on a dark night. Well, unless you burn it.

28. Now this skeleton just wants to lounge around for awhile.

Guess this guy is taking a break from the graveyard shift tonight. Yeah, even undead skeletons need a little R&R now and then.

29. Now this horse definitely looks majestic in the sunlight.

Horses are another common motif in wood sculpture. And this one is no exception. However, if you want to buy a wooden horse as big as this, always check for Greeks.

30. Think this came from a wild cat? Think again.

Now if it weren’t for the wood marks in this, you might’ve had this owner arrested for poaching. Still, this is quite cool.

31. Now this angel seems to like standing by the window.

For some reason, biblical angels are typically addressed as male. But you tend to see them in artwork as female. Then again, it’s said that angels in the Bible tend to look quite freaky.

32. Of course, you can’t do without a wooden sculpture of a cathedral.

This must’ve been carved by someone with a great deal of talent, attention to detail, and an ungodly amount of patience. And it was most likely not carved by a chainsaw.

33. Even in art, dolphins can be beautiful in the ocean.

Now this is quite stunning. However the shadows in this picture make ti a little hard to see. Must be about 6 on this.

34. A wooden rose will be best used to decorate a wooden box.

Now this looks quite lifelike and beautiful to behold. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want to use this for anything though.

35. “Ah, the Norwegian Blue. Wonderful plumage.”

Actually there’s no such thing as a Norwegian Blue because parrots are tropical animals. Still, this blue parrot is quite pretty if I do say so myself.

36. Remember that a sturdy trunk makes a good tractor.

Guess this tractor didn’t take a lot of sawing to produce here. But it seems to require a lot of assembly. Nevertheless, quite clever.

37. Now the bald eagle has always been America’s majestic symbol.

Now this almost looks like the real thing I almost mistook it for taxidermy. You see, how great wood is used for carving stuff?

38. Of course, this mermaid is sure to let anyone go with her under the sea.

Still, in a lot of mythologies, while mermaids are usually pretty, they’re not always nice or bright. In fact, some legends have them drown sailors through their songs. Whether it’s accidental or on purpose depends on the culture.

39. If painted, this lighthouse is bound to look pretty on a postcard.

Of course, I wouldn’t want to take this lighthouse on any beach. And if it was smaller, you’d see it at some souvenir shop in New England.

40. With handcrafted flowers, any beauty creations are possible.

Wonder if these flowers would look any prettier with colors on them. Then again, maybe not. Best not disturb what the artist intended, shall we?

41. Seems like these feathered fantasy creatures are really getting at it.

And it seems that this fight is costing each one some of their feathers. Not sure what these two creatures are. Think the artist made them up.

42. This wooden motorcycle puts the pedal to the paddle.

Well, saying “pedal to the metal” would be pretty ridiculous here. Also, I’m sure it doesn’t do well with gasoline.

43. Sorry, rabbit, but you ain’t coming home tonight.

Seems like it’s going to be rabbit stew at the hawk’s nest tonight. Yeah, that rabbit never had the chance. Sure this might look quite frightening but it’s how nature works, kids.

44. When it comes to eagle mating, just lock talons and spin.

Now this is quite an amazing sculpture. Wonder how the person who created this pulled it off. Not to mention, painting the thing.

45. Guess this is the music equipment for the Stumps.

Sure the woodwork is fine. But I don’t think the equipment is guaranteed to work. Still, quite a set up here.

46. Not every bird of prey can sit on a ledge majestically as this hawk.

You should know that birds of prey are popular subjects in wood sculpture. Because case in point, birds of prey are cool. Just ask anyone.

47. This black bear has been working on the railroad all the livelong day.

Seems like he’s the one holding the lamp so he can devour some tasty railroad workers. But sometimes railroad work can be simply unbearable, even to a bear in coveralls.

48. Even churches may sometimes have their share of intricate woodwork. This is depicting the Assumption of the Virgin Mary.

This is from a medieval cathedral in Europe. And man, how they did this without power tools must be some act of the Holy Spirit working the carvers who made this. How else can I explain stuff like this.

This is from a medieval cathedral in Europe. And man, how they did this without power tools must be some act of the Holy Spirit working within the carvers who made it. How else can I explain stuff like this.

49. Now this is the sculpture pertaining to what lovers dream.

Of course, the position of these two figures is highly unrealistic. And it was probably executed this way to hide the man’s genitalia.

50. Seems like this eagle has managed to get the catch of the day.

Yes, it was quite the flight but it was worth it. Still, wonder what kind of fish that is. Guess it’s from some freshwater source.

51. There is no better wood sculpture that defines American character than this one of American Gothic.

Yes, it’s perhaps the most famous painting in American art. And it’s been parodied for decades. Sometimes I’m not sure why.

52. It’s always handy to carry a change purse with you, especially if it has a chain.

Now I wonder how they managed to carve out the chain. Would be very interesting to know. Love the floral design.

53. Someone seems in the mood for a rustic convertible.

Then again, it might be cheaper to go with a cedar cedan. Also, kind of looks like a Volkswagen which is known for being “eco-friendly” until they’re not.

54. Ladies and gentleman I give you, Our Lady of the Mahogany.

Now this is another very old wood sculpture which you can’t buy. Might’ve been carved by a famous artist from centuries ago. Not sure who.

55. This Indian seems really taken with the view.

Native Americans seem to be a common subject in wood sculpture for some reason. At least in America. By the way, this is a Plains Indian. And not all Indians dress like that.

56. Guess this guy is traveling to his destination by bird.

This is an old Japanese artwork which is unsurprisingly not for sale. It was probably made in Japan’s medieval era. Not sure what legend this recounts.

57. Of course, you can’t round off North American birds without including the Blue Jay.

Now I like blue jays and think they’re rather pretty birds. But there are some people who think these birds are annoying. They don’t understand.

58. Sometimes it pays to travel by Jeep, especially in the military.

Yes, this is a wooden jeep. Easy to set fire to, but not meant to drive in. But still, it really looks like a jeep but with everything furnished.

59. Of course, this piece exemplifies how Renaissance wood carvers put their modern counterparts to shame.

Now this sculpture of Mary weeping of Jesus is quite amazing. And in some ways almost looks real. However, it’s no Michelangelo’s Pieta.

60. Now this snake seems to have a sneaky side about it for some reason.

This is another old artwork from Japan. And it almost seems quite lifelike for a wooden snake. But it’s curled in the shape of a turd.

61. Seems like this owl now has its wings right open.

Yes, this owl has its wings spread in all its glory. And yes, marvel at its feathers in all its glory. Of course, critters beware.

62. Now you can’t talk about the saints in woodwork without including Saint Michael and the Dragon (wait, a minute, isn’t it supposed to be Saint George and the Dragon?).

Now this might be a contemporary religious subject. But the wood work in this is awesome. Just look at the details here.

63. This Japanese woman always knows when to come in with style.

This piece might be of some Japanese art form which I don’t know the name of. But while most of her body is wood, her head consists of ivory and metal. Also, another old medieval piece you can’t buy.

64. May I present to you, this gilded Buddha.

Yes, this is a very old statue and it’s paint has not worn well. However, I can be sure that this was made of wood and is not for sale.

65. You may take some birds’ presence for granted but you’ll never forget when you see a Pilated Woodpecker.

Now I’m sure that bird is bigger than the real thing. But I love the paint job. Really brings out the colors.

66. Sometimes all you need is one big quill.

Now this is Pacific Northwest Native American design. Just look at the markings. Still, wouldn’t mind having that.

67. Of course, you can’t have a post on wood sculpture without penguins.

From how the chick looks here, it can go either way for the parent. Still, this is adorable if you ask me.

68. Now an elk has always been a great creature of the American West.

Well, at least there wasn’t much to do with the color scheme. Still, it does look quite real and majestic when you look at it.

69. How about travel the countryside in this VW microbus?

If this was a real working vehicle, it would be one of the most eco-friendly cars around. Oh, wait, it’s from Volkwagen. So this is basically false advertising.

70. Somehow this fire breathing dragon tends to rise out from the panel.

Now some of you might be familiar with dragons in East Asian culture. But you have to admit, this is pretty cool.

71. My, what a lovely hat.

Not sure if I can wear it or if I even want to. Still, it almost looks like one you’d see at a store. Then again, it would if the ribbon was painted in a color that stands out.

72. Of course, a teddy bear has always been a toy for all ages.

Yes, it may look cute but it’s not cuddly. Besides, since it’s a wood carving, trying to hug it might cause splinters.

73. Sometimes you’ll never know what you’ll find on other people’s clothes lines.

I’m sure wearing wooden panties wouldn’t be comfortable to say the least. Might feel like wearing a chastity belt that runs the risk of causing splinters.

74. Of course, in China it would be awesome to see a dragon boat like this.

Now this is quite pretty. Wonder what a life size one would look like. Then again, you’d probably not see one in Beijing. Too much pollution.

75. When it comes to the kitchen, sometimes you can’t separate the cookbook from the cutting board.

Not sure what this person’s cooking up here. Those ingredients could suggest almost anything. So could the book.

76. There are some days when you just want to devour a nice, juicy steak.

However, I wouldn’t recommend anyone to eat this. It’s not very tender and tastes rather woody and painty. Yeah, disgusting.

77. Sometimes wood carving can help bring a painting to life.

Now this painting is rather famous for some reason. Still, I heard it takes place in a 19th century park known for its disparate dress code policies for men and women.

78. In the event of modern war, you can’t leave your ground troops without a tank.

Of course, despite being armed with all the latest state of the art weaponry, it would be pretty useless in battle. Still, makes an awesome museum piece that boys and young men would enjoy.

79. Of course, who can’t forget that adorable robot from Disney and Pixar’s WALL-E?

Now this is so cute. Wish they had one of EVE. Of course, I can see why a wood sculpture of that one wouldn’t work.

80. Still, some people tend to play their video games on their X-Box 360.

However, you wouldn’t be able to play video games on this XBox 360 Console. Because it’s all made from wood and just for show. Still, would go great in any entertainment center.

Fun with Garden Gnomes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 19, 2015

Perhaps, no tacky garden artwork gets as much notoriety as the garden gnome. Sure they don’t look like figures of the ideal human form. Rather they tend to be little Santa Clauses with boots, pants, blue tunic, and a red cone hat. But somehow people seem to like them enough that they’ve become icons of their own for some reason or another. Now a gnome is a mythological creature spirit introduced by Paracelsus in the 16th century as a spirit of Renaissance alchemy and magic. They are typically said to be small, humanoid creatures that tend to live underground. Sometimes it’s said that they’re willing to help out the garden at night. Yet, they didn’t become the lawn ornaments we know today until the 19th century and didn’t take their present form until after WWII as inspired by Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Nevertheless, they’re often the target of pranks in which people would “kidnap” the gnome and “return it to the wild” with Italy having a Garden Gnome Liberation Front. There are also instances in which garden gnomes have been “kidnapped” and sent on trips around the world which formed the basis of “Where’s My Gnome?” series of ads for Travelocity starting in 2008. And it’s the reason why we have the Travelocity Gnome. Still, in 2008, they arrested a guy in France for stealing 170 of these things. There is even a gnome reserve in England, home to over 2,000 gnomes and was mentioned in the Guinness Book of World Records. Nevertheless, there are plenty of garden gnomes out there in all different varieties that you might find amusing. Some may seem a bit adult while others are derived from pop culture. So for your reading pleasure, here I welcome you to look at all the different varieties of kitschy garden gnomes.

1. Walter Sobchak Gnome isn’t happy whenever one is over the line.

You think that garden gnomes were supposed to be rather docile and pleasant. However, Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski was anything but. So I think it’s ironic that there’s a garden gnome of him. Expect him to pull out his gun and rant about his time in Nam.

2. It seems that purple macdaddy gnome seems to make it his business with all his garden hos.

“You want manic pixie dream girls and water sprites? Well, I got them bitches with me on fairy dust. Oh, I’m sure they’re clean but you might want to use protection.”

3. Of course, this gnome is off to the beach in his green mankini.

Let’s just say, I wonder if Sacha Baron Cohen regrets setting off this male swimsuit trend when he wore the thing in Borat. Yeah, not the kind of swimsuit I’d want any man to wear.

4. This hippie gnome really gets into his tie dye, man.

Not sure if the cone hat goes with the tie dye. But with the glasses and his beard, I’m sure he’d fit in at any music festival quite nicely. Still, I’d stay out of the 1969 Woodstock festival if I were him.

5. In Florida, this gnome always knows that the beach with the lawn flamingos is where it’s at.

Of course, I’m sure if this gnome were a regular sized guy, he’d just blend in. Well, if he lost the cone hat. Still, embodies a lot about what people say about Florida which is a silly place.

6. This gnome only wishes that your garden be filled with peace, love, and rock & roll.

Of course, I’m sure he’s on some kind of weird grass in the yard. Probably the kind of gnome you’d want for your marijuana garden. Still, the cone hat really stands out for him.

7. Of course, gnomes tend to be human like the rest of us with some having less misgivings than others.

Sure it’s nice that they love each other and keep the spark alive. But I think they really need to take it somewhere else. I mean you don’t want to freak out the neighbors.

8. Seems like a gnome zombie plague has infected the garden lately.

And it seems that zombies are partial to the dark meat since it’s well known what happens to black guys in horror movies. Of course, I’m sure black gnomes are no different.

9. Of course, while gnomes are often benign in the garden, sometimes this isn’t the case. So be prepared.

Yeah, you should always beware of the gnome carrying an ax behind his back. But you should defend yourself before these murderous lawn warriors strike.

10. Nevertheless, even gnomes tend to prefer the convenience of a flush toilet as well as a bit of light reading while on the john.

Still, I wonder if that book he’s reading has another purpose. Because I don’t see a roll of toilet paper anywhere in this.

11. “All we are saying, is give weeds a chance.”

Not sure why he has a bird on his guitar or why he’s on the bird feeder. Either way, he seems quite groovy, man.

12. Of course, these skeleton gnomes tend to make great Halloween lawn decor.

Of course, they’re so thin that they don’t have any skin on them. Yet, I love whatever’s holding that basket, by the way. Quite clever.

13. Seems like this stoner gnome really enjoys lounging around and smoking his grass.

Of course, he’ll probably feel right at home wherever it’s legal. Yet, if it’s not, you should probably just let him smoke his joint in the bushes. Not sure about that tunic though.

14. Seems like this nerdy gnome is really into D & D and larping.

Of course, he’s also a Trekkie and has an atom on his shirt. Seems like he’s on a quest to attend the legendary festival of Comic Con. That, or he’s probably wanting to attend a nerd convention nearby.

15. Seems like Leather Daddy gnome really enjoys watering his garden.

Of course, you really don’t want to look at him from behind. Yeah, he sometimes tends to let it all hang out where the sun isn’t supposed to shine. Not sure why.

16. Seems like these hairy cons just broke out of the Big Greenhouse.

And it seems they’ve taken some animals with them for sustenance. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if they have any idea of how to get over that fence.

17. Of course, Gnome Elvis will always make your garden party a smash, even if he’s just an impersonator.

Of course, I’m sure all the qualudes and peanut butter and banana sandwiches will catch up to him somehow. Still, I’m sure that cone goes great with that polyester jumpsuit. Still, that look seems like Elvis from the Vegas years.

18. For those who want super protection for their gardens, perhaps they should try a superhero gnome.

Now these consist of Super Gnome, Bat Gnome and Captain Americgnome. Still, I have to warn you that while they may guarantee protection, they’re also known to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

19. Beware the vampire gnome with his red eyes and fangs, especially when lurking among the tall grass and leaves.

Of course, he may look nice during the daytime. But when it gets dark, he won’t hesitate to bite anyone’s neck to suck their blood. Yes, this is one scary gnome, indeed.

20. Of course, this gnome rider’s ride tends to travel at a snail’s pace these days.

Yet, this should surprise nobody these days since he’s riding a snail. However, he should watch out for any form of salt if he wants his snail ride to last for a long time.

21. “Gnome, Gnome on the range….”

Of course, I’m not sure if he’s a cowboy gnome or a rancher gnome. Then again, despite being in cowboy clothes, I’m not sure if he even works with cows. Because if he don’t have cows, then he’s no cowboy.

22. Of course, what better way to protect your lawn and garden than with Wonder Gnomeman.

Unlike Wonder Woman, at least she doesn’t wear skimpy outfits to kick ass. Also, she loves flowers, too. And she has a nice yellow cone hat.

23. Even gnomes must dress for business while at their jobs in the corporate marketplace.

Nevertheless, you have to love how their cone hats go with their gray suits. Yet, I’m sure their workplace dress codes would want them to lose the hats and shave. Also like how they’re on their cell phones.

24. Of course, you best be on your back if you don’t want to mess with the Gnome Manchu.

Of course, the Fu Manchu isn’t a great Asian stereotype. But I found his long mustache so funny that I couldn’t resist leaving this one out.

25. “You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life/See that gnome, watch him, diggin’ the Dancing Gnome.”

Of course, while the Swedish group was a great success in the 1970s, they split in the 1980s due to internal strife. Still, I’m sure they’d be remembered for all those pop hits which formed the soundtrack for Mamma Mia!.

26. Of course, you’ll need a metal detector gnome in case a vandal plants a landmine in your yard.

Then again, he could just be looking for treasure. Of course, he should realize that certain electric and water systems may also be underground, too. Don’t want to make a mistake there.

27. Let’s just say whoever thought you can look gangster in a white beard and cone hat?

As they say, “I didn’t choose the gnome life. Gnome life chose me.” Yes, and I’m sure it’s a rough time in the inner gardens with high crime and shrooms to be exact.

28. Of course, no gnome could say no to the one and only Big Bad Bertha.

I’m sure what she lacks in moral propriety she makes up for in helping girls develop a positive body image. Still, not sure if this makes my post unsafe for work or what.

29. Of course, we can’t forget about the hit HBO TV show Game of Gnomes.

Let’s just say that if that’s a depiction of the Sean Bean character, my guess is that he’ll be dead within a year. Still, I really like the throne and the shovel he’s holding. But I’m sure you don’t want to go into his garden, especially during weddings.

30. For those concerned Jews out there, I’m sure Shalom Gnome will make your garden kosher.

Of course, this is probably the most Jewed out gnome out there. He even has a Star of David with a Hebrew inscription on his belt for God’s sake. Don’t give him pork or shellfish though.

31. And you thought gnomes enjoyed the sound of flutes and nature sounds. But not always.

Hear they play at the garden club circuit on Friday nights as well as jam at the recording studio during regular business hours. Still, there have been rumors that their lead singer was arrested for shroom possession. Drummer was also busted for weed and grass as well.

32. Of course, you should never mess with a garden gnome armed with an AK-47.

Now I’m sure you want to get off his lawn at the sight of him. Then again, he’s small so I’m sure the ammo wouldn’t hurt much anyway.

33. When it comes to swimming, some gnomes just want to let it all hang out.

Unless he’s planning to visit a nude beach, I’m sure he’ll have a hard time swimming in an area where nobody’s watching him. Also, kind of wish he’d at least wear some pants.

34. Seems like this gnome is really enjoying himself during his island getaway in Hawaii.

Of course, I’m sure he’s bound to make the Travelocity Roaming Gnome jealous. Still, if he has more Margaritas, he’ll soon be searching for his lost shaker of salt.

35. Of course, there’s always that gnome who tends to travel with a dark passenger and have a thirst to kill.

I’m sure nobody wants to mess with the Dexter gnome if he’s in your garden. Still, he tends to kill his victims on the cutting board, which is fittingly enough. Nevertheless, he uses much less plastic than the one on TV.

36. Seems like even the gnomes want to take pictures of themselves these days.

Still, being a classic gnome, I doubt if he’d be recognized on Instagram among the others. Also, I wonder where he got that smart phone.

37. Of course, some gnomes don’t know when they have had way too many.

Seems like all that hard tree sap can get to them if they’ve had enough. Guess it’s best to leave sleeping dogs lie even if their butt cracks are showing.

38. Now this meditating gnome is a true Zen master of the highest degree.

It’s said he’d sit there meditating for so long that the birds would perch in his beard. Guess he’d have to clean it when he’s done since the bird might leave him an unpleasant surprise.

39. Of course, this gnome looks as black as a tar baby.

I don’t know about you, but I think there’s something a bit racist about this gnome. I’m not sure what. Could it be because it looks painted in blackface and is drinking booze? Yeah, that’s probably it.

40. Seems like somebody either forgot to put sunscreen or has caught too many UV rays.

Now that’s a terrible sunburn. Guess taking a nap on the beach isn’t really a good idea for the fair skinned. Not sure about covering your eyes with blueberries.

41. Seems like this garden gnome really enjoys doing the hula in a grass skirt.

Then again, he seems like he’s been on too many island spirits or possibly trying to do the Macarena. Hope that he doesn’t show what’s under his skirt because I’m afraid to look.

42. Seems like this gnome and his old lady were meant to spend their lives on the open road.

Funny how they have gnomes for bikers these days. They seem like they’re the people you’d least expect to be in this type of tacky lawn decoration. Still, hope these 2 don’t belong in a gang.

43. Now this little gnome wish all you to feel the Pittsburgh steel.

For some reason the molten steel he’s pouring seems to resemble Cheez Whiz. Still, you’d find that a lot of college and pro sports teams have their own collectible gnome like this one for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

44. Seems like someone has to bend over to get a temperature.

I’m sure she’s taking his temperature because this display looks older. Then again, there could be something kinky going on and what she’s holding could be a butt plug instead of a thermometer.

45. Seems like some garden creep has been on way too much Viagra lately.

Nevertheless, at least he’s wearing underwear. However, he’s seems to be a pervert with a pension for exhibitionism, especially when he’s erect. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

46. Seems like this gnome is either trigger happy or on a shooting rampage.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to see him on a bad day. Reminds me of the Al Pacino character from Scarface. Oh, wait, that is derived from Scarface.

47. Hipster gnome really thinks your android is sow mainstream.

Then again, I always picture hipsters as young people, not with white Santa Claus beards. Still, I’m sure that iPhone cost a fortune for those aren’t cheap to buy or have repaired.

48. This undead garden gnome has a strong preference for venison.

Now that’s really disgusting. And pretty demented if I do say so myself. Also seems to like his deer meat real raw and bloody.

49. Of course, even the gnomes have to do dirty work once in a while.

Of course, there’s a better way to cleaning dog shit than a pooper scooper. It’s called leaving it there. Still, I’m not sure about him smoking a cigarette though.

50. Seems like someone has been drinking a little too much wine the night before.

Of course, waking up with a hangover could be worse in some situations other than this. Seems that glass of wine was too big for him for some reason.

51. “I am the gnome who knocks.”

Yes, this is a gnome Walter White. However, I’m sure when he got in the meth business, the whole garden gnome neighborhood went to shit. Still, wonder if they have a Jesse Pinkman gnome.

52. Of course, zombie gnomes always prefer to help themselves to some pink flamingo.

Man, I didn’t know those lawn flamingos could bleed. Always assumed they were made from plastic. Pretty demented though.

53. Now this gnome is a fine police officer of the law.

If it wasn’t for the cone hat, I would’ve assumed him to be an actual police officer. Love the star badge on his hat though.

54. Of course, while some gnomes are said to protect gardens, this one’s on the move to kill.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big machete in his hand as far as I can see. Or maybe it's just a knife.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big ass knife in his hand.

55. This gnome family shows us that the family that slays together, stays together.

So while the father is armed with an ax and a dueling flintlock pistol, the mother appears to carry a loaded shotgun and the baby in her back harness. Still, I’m sure the gun he has can’t be fired without being reloaded.

56. “I’m gonna rock n’roll all night, and garden party every day.”

I may not be a fan of KISS. But when I see them as gnomes or nutcrackers, I have to include such depictions on my blog just for giggles.

57. Of course, on private matters, some gnomes can be really kinky in the garden.

Now this is pretty disturbing. Didn’t know BDSM fetishes could extend to garden gnomes. Of course, I wonder if they have a dominatrix garden gnome to come with him.

58. While most gnomes aren’t built like Adonis, this one is totally ripped.

Wonder if he’s on any performance enhancing drugs of some sort. I mean most bodybuilders are to some extend. Hell, a lot of athletes are, too like Lance Armstrong.

59. Of course, some gardens may contain a naturist gnome lurking around.

I’m sure the beard and belt are in place to cover up his naughty bits. Still, they call it the place where the sun don’t shine for a reason.

60. Of course, this ninja gnome is bound to hit anyone with a shovel at any moment.

Actually most ninjas didn’t wear black in real life since they functioned like covert agents and snipers. They usually dressed as peasants so the invisibility was psychological. However, this garden gnome ninja is just perfect.

61. Finally, a garden gnome promising change I can believe in.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure whether this Obama gnome is wearing a cone hat. Then again, maybe it was how this picture was photographed.

62. Seems like someone either doesn’t like flamingos or likes to eat them for dinner.

Now this is just demented if you really think about it. But I kind of find the gnome using the cleaver to behead a flamingo quite amusing, in a sick and twisted kind of way.

63. Like they say, it’s not over until the fat lady sings.

However, I have no idea why she’d wear a bikini and rabbit ears. I mean it doesn’t seem like appropriate attire for an opera singer as far as I’m concerned.

64. Seems like the gnomes really take to skate boarding and its cultural trimmings these days.

Oldest looking skater boy I’ve ever seen. Also, shouldn’t he be wearing a helmet? I mean he shouldn’t want to risk a head injury.

65. Of course, you still have to face some obstacles even in places where no gnome has gone before.

Seems like Captain Kirk and Gorn are about to go at it in this. One of the most memorable moments in Star Trek history. Also, Gorn almost looks no different.

66. Of course, you are all cordially invited to attend this royal gnome wedding.

So let me get this straight. The groom is already wearing a gone hat on his head. So why is he holding a top hat that’s obviously too small for him? I don’t get it. Don’t get it at all.

67. Of course, even in the gnome world, it seems that certain Starfleet members are more expendable than others.

Of course, for those who know anything about Star Trek: The Original Series, you’d be familiar with the term, “redshirt.” Of course, in Star Trek, if a previously unknown Starfleet character wears a red shirt, there’s a strong chance that he’s never coming back.

68. For the Japanese garden, these ninja and sumo wrestling gnomes will do you great service.

I don’t know about you. But they seem more or less resemble the Seven Dwarfs than anything from Japan. And I don’t think either of them have any Asian features either.

69. Seems like this guy has come straight out of Gnomeland Security.

Then again, he could be a sheriff or state trooper. Still, I’m sure intruders wouldn’t want to mess with

70. I call this one, “the Skanky Bride Gnome.”

Yeah, I don’t really care for swimsuit weddings. But I’m not sure why she’d have that set up for the bottoms. Oh, wait, is that her underwear? So why isn’t she wearing a dress, then?

71. For a Stripper Gnome, she sure knows her way around a pole.

I might’ve posted a picture with this one before on my lawn ornament post last year. Still, it’s quite funny and worth giving a closer look to. Also, I lover her glasses, by the way. Kind of similar to how many would imagine strippers in the Harry Potter world to look like in some respect.

72. Unlike some garden gnomes, this tiki one belongs in his island garden paradise.

Okay, pretty sure that’s a pretty offensive stereotype here. I mean blue paint, tusks in nose, shrunken head, grass skirt, staff, etc. Kind of reminds me of the savage natives you’d see in movies.

73. Seems like these two gnombres are having a fiesta.

Love the mariachi hat and the turned boots. Still, shouldn’t the lady’s hair be free flowing? It just seems off that she’s wearing a cone hat.

74. I’m sure these gnomes of horror movie villains will make a killer addition to your garden.

Seems like this ensemble includes many of the slasher-horror favorites. There’s Freddy and Jason as well as Leatherface. And I’m not sure who that one in the mask is. Really not sure.

75. These two gnomes are on a mission from God.

Yes, these are gnomes of the Blues Brothers from 1970s SNL. Look pretty much like the originals save for the beards and cone hats. But you know what they say about garden gnomes though.

76. Of course, you’d need a strong Viking warrior gnome to defend your garden.

Unlike some Viking depictions, at least this one doesn’t have helmet horns for a change. Of course, he does have a wooden hammer and a white beard.

77. Presenting the royal gnomes.

Now that obviously has to be a take off of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip. Of course, the Prince Philip one is depicted in traditional gnome fashion.

78. Of course, even gnomes could be prone to worshipping the devil or listening to death metal music.

Now that looks quite terrifying. I don’t mean the hat with the upside down cross. I mean the fact that his face and beard are painted like that which terrifies me.

79. Now this steampunk garden gnome seems to come fully automated.

Now is this an automaton or a gnome in a metal encased suit? Perhaps we’ll never know for sure. Like the drill head though.

80. Of course, these Star Trek gnomes will allow your garden to go where no man has gone before.

Of course, I’m so used to Kirk and Spock being so clean shaven and thin (well, for the most part). Still, I wonder whether they have gnomes of the rest of the main cast as well. Maybe I’ll never know for sure.

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Third Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 7, 2015

Now summer is a big season for music since it’s a time of year when musical artists are touring the country as well as the summer music festivals. So it’s no wonder why I decided to do yet another edition of vintage album covers you’d love to laugh at. For those who don’t know, the cover above is of Billy Joel’s 1980s album The Nylon Curtain which isn’t one of his best known albums but its cover does have a unique simplistic style a neighborhood at sunset in true minimalist fashion. Luckily, Billy Joel was such a noted artist in the early 1980s that his record company would certainly sent the best cover artist around even while the artist was dating models, going to parties, and drunkenly crashing cars into houses. Unfortunately, for those who relish in great album art like this, this post isn’t for you. So perhaps you should go to some website like Amazon or Ebay and look for the great album covers there. This is for crappy vintage covers that might’ve seemed like a good idea at a time, but are either dated or are a source of some unfortunate implications. Some might give you an idea that the cover artist was basically drunk or high on some mind altering drugs. Not sure if they had meth back then though. So without further adieu, here are some crappy album covers you and/or your parents might’ve forgotten about.

1. Eulenspygel 2

Well, looks like PeeWee wanted all the attention by himself so he made sure that his siblings would meet their gruesome deaths in the frying pan. Yes, that is one sick bird.

Hmmm….seems like farm chicks aren’t the innocent balls of fluff that we initially thought.

2. Larz Kelsterz Stuffparty 2

Seems like the music on this album appears to be inspired by Saturday Night Fever and ABBA. Of course, I can’t take this cover seriously with those garish golden polyester suits.

Possibly one of the pioneering albums in West German Eurodisco.

3. Black Sabbath Sabotage

The only positives about this is how one guy is wearing red tights and another is wearing a dress. Said to be one of the worst album covers in rock history. It’s said that the photo sessions of this cover were rushed and that it had become a victim of sabotage itself. Of course, it’s kind of fitting in a way.

Kind of makes me bummed seeing Ozzy Osbourne in what’s nothing more than a boring photoshoot. “Crazy Train” this ain’t.

4. Dave Stephens Organ Fascination

And not only any naked girl, one that seems like she really wants to get the photo shoot over with. Kind of like how a hooker wants to get it over with so she can take her cash and leave. Wonder if this album includes religious music, which would be all the more ironic.

Seems like the guy is so desperate to sell his organ music album that he put a naked girl on the cover.

5. Norberto de Freitas Trapalhadas do Balbino

Man, that guy on the cover really needs to see a dentist. Of course, some in America may swear they’ve seen a man like that on the Subway.

Didn’t know that Italians would be into hobo music. Then again, it might be opera hobo music.

6. Alison Angrim As Amy Carter Heeere’s Amy!

Sure she might be a sweet nerdy girl you might want to take home to mama. But, gentlemen, be warned that she can strangle you with her bare hands. If you’re a man who likes erotic asphyxiation, you have been warned.

There doesn’t seem to be anything sweet behind those oversized nerd girl glasses.

7. Music to Make Housework Easier

Okay, let’s get this straight. This woman is obviously not a housewife in any way, shape, or form. No real housewife would spend all day sweeping and ironing in business attire, even in the 1950s. It’s more likely that she’s a part-time working mom who’s taking a small smoking break who’s rushing to get everything done before her husband and kids come home.

Seems like she’s on her smoking break after she spent hours sweeping and ironing in her blouse, skirt, nylons, and high heels.

8. Heavy Load Stronger than Evil

Besides, I swear that Boromir almost looked just like that near the end of the first Lord of the Rings movie. Also, what’s with the face?

Either he’s not or good has a tendency to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

9. Battleaxe Burn This Town

Seriously, I think there have been more couch burnings in Morgantown, West Virginia with more bad ass flames than this. Wonder if this album art was done by a family member of the band. Because I find cover design hard to take seriously.

Sorry, but I don’t think that’s a very lame attempt for a scorched earth policy.

10. The Handsome Beasts Bestiality

Now I might not like a naked fat guy on the cover, but that’s not my issue here. My issue here is that they put a naked fat guy on the cover with a pig on an album titled Bestiality. Seriously, I think I have an idea of what’s going on and think it’s depraved.

Okay, I have a very bad feeling where this is going.

11. Nelson Because They Can

Now two guys in long blond wigs is one thing. But two dogs in long blond wigs like that? Now that’s just freaking hilarious. But to the dogs, it must be humiliating.

Possibly the most honest album cover I’ve seen for a long time.

12. Ethel Merman The Ethel Merman Disco Album

For those who don’t know who Ethel Merman is, she’s an early 20th century singer best known for singing show tunes and appearing on Broadway musicals. Why she did a disco album is anyone’s guess. Then again both Broadway and disco tend to have a gay fanbase.

Seems like your grandparents’ artists will do anything to stay relevant or appeal to a new generation.

13. Jonah Jones I Dig Chicks!

Of course, as to why they had all those girls on the back hoe without any proper safety equipment, I have no idea. Seriously, this cover photoshoot seems to use the same amount of safety procedures as Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” video.

Interesting way how your put the gay rumors to rest.

14. Scorpions Animal Magnetism

I’m sorry, but whenever I see a guy standing towards a kneeling woman looking up at him, I tend to imagine something I really can’t mention at the moment. And the dog seems anticipating this. Still, not sure if the beach is the best place for that. Might need a change of venue.

Was this band even warned that their album art might not be suitable for PG audiences?

15. Fireballet Two, Too…

Now guys in leotards and tights is one thing. But hairy guys in tutus from the 1970s? Now that’s crazy. Guess the guy who thought this up must’ve been on some powerful hallucinogens.

Just a bunch of hairy men in the 1970s getting in touch with their feminine side. Despite the fact real male ballet dancers don’t wear tutus.

16. Alix Dobkin Living with Lesbians

Either the people in this photo are very butch lesbians in very but clothing, which might perpetuate obvious stereotypes. Or they’re all men, since it doesn’t seem apparent to me that any of them have boobs.

As a heterosexual woman, I don’t often say this, but I think the women shouldn’t be wearing such loose clothing, if they’re women at all.

17. Jose Angel Madre Soy Christiano Homosexual

Still, stereotypically speaking, he more or less resembles a guy you’d see at a Jimmy Buffett concert in Florida. But yeah, the coming out bit to his mom via album cover is pretty funny. Perhaps he’s better off telling her face to face. Then again, she probably knew anyway for years.

Translated as: “Mom, I’m a Christian Homosexual.”

18. Millie Jackson Back to the S**t!

Then again, she was just back from her Tijuana vacation with the runs shortly before the album’s release. Perhaps the bathroom shot was the best they can do at the moment. Still, it’s very much in poor taste. Really, I don’t anybody wants to see that.

As to why you’d want to promote your album with a glimpse of the most private moments of your life, I have no idea.

19. Butch Yelton and Upbound Swing that Gospel Axe

Okay, now if that guy swings that ax, he’s bound to inflict bodily injury on somebody in this photo. Other than that, seems to resemble more of a folk rock album from the 1970s, than anything featuring Christian music. Are these people trying to make themselves look like the Christianized ripoff to CCR?

For the love of God, no way in Hell! Seriously, you may hurt somebody.

20. The Murk Family Love for All Seasons

Now I like flowers as much as the next person. But I have to admit, that floral pattern is hideous. Let’s just say that there are some moments of 1970s fashion that nobody wants to repeat.

Of course, it was mandatory that everyone match for this photoshoot. So Mom decided to make outfits with the family tablecloth.

21. Elsie Brooks Elsie Brooks

This was Elsie’s idea for her album cover. She wanted to get closer to her roots while she was a struggling stripclub dancer at The Gaylord Club. She often wore the feather boa outfit in her act as well as danced with streamers.

Seems like she’s doing some dirty dancing with the typography.

22. Mike Terry Live at the Pavilion Theatre – Glasgow Vol. 2

Seems like Liberace was such a success in the United States that the Brits wanted a flamboyantly gay concert pianist of their own. Seems like Mike Terry happened to be it in his sparkly attire.

And I thought there was no gayer concert pianist than Liberace.

23. The Glitter Band Hey!

What’s even funnier is that I’ve actually played a song by Gary Glitter in high school and college band. Of course, their song “Rock and Roll Part 2” has been played at American sporting events for time immemorial. However, it’s said that Gary Glitter himself has been convicted of sexual abuse and child pornography since the 1990s.

Of course, I have to apologize that these guys are definitely not from the future or outer space. They’re from the 1970s.

24. Les Baxter Space Escapade

Still, you have to hand it to them that these guys aren’t prejudiced. I mean they’ll take yellow girls, pink girls, purple girls, etc. Also, wonder what’s inside those pots. Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.

Seems like Captain Kirk isn’t the only human space horndog in the galaxy.

25. The Peacemakers My Faith Still Holds

Of course, this Christian group would’ve gone with “The Police” but it was already taken. Still, not sure why the men are wearing police uniforms and the woman is clad in Cruella De Vil’s summer dress.

Your faith might still hold but I’m not sure if you can get out of jail for this one.

26. Colonel Sanders Colonel Sanders’ Tijuana Picnic

Seriously, if this is supposed to be a Tijuana picnic, then shouldn’t the family be eating Mexican food instead of KFC? Then again, the Colonel would probably lose some business to Taco Bell. Still, this is just a case of blatant product placement and geographical inaccuracy.

Seems more like a Kentucky Fried picnic to me as the Colonel intended.

27. Mike Adkins Thank You for the Dove

Now Mike Adkins is the kind of guy who once had a great career, a loving family, and was a hit at a party spouting tall tales and jokes galore. Then tragedy struck that he became a shell of himself. Of course, the dove is the best thing that’s ever happened to him since….the accident. So perhaps we should cut the guy some slack for once.

I’m sure his hand will soon be covered in birdshit as soon as the white dove can fly.

28. The Singing Postman The Best of the Singing Postman

Seems friendly enough. But of course, he probably had to turn to music since he was said to sleep with every woman in town. But I’m not sure if that’s for being a mailman or a musician.

Or as some people call it, “Music to Irritate Your Dog.”

29. Tino Por Primera Vez

Still, don’t know what to make of that short shorts and polo outfit. Or the pose where he’s spreading his legs. Kind of disturbing if I look at it. Still, album is probably aimed at teenage girls.

Guess this boy must’ve been the Justin Bieber of his day in Latin America.

30. Francisco y Fernando Vamos a la Playa

Well, it’s translated “Come to the Beach” even though neither have chests you want to write home about. But they seem to give each other the male gaze so to speak. Not sure if they’re “just friends” or have a love that dare not speak its name. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Hmmm….two shirtless guys at the beach with their backpacks. Wonder what can go on there.

31. The Celebration Road Show Amazing Grace

Now having a cute little kid juxtaposed with the homeless old guy with a bottle in his and sitting near an empty pit. Wonder what those two images have in common. And what the hell is the drunken old guy doing on a Christian album?

They decided to go with the cute kid in hopes that nobody would notice the old drunken homeless man.

32. Dan Betzer and Louie Dan Betzer and Louie Tell the Bible Classics Vol. III

Wonder if this album includes the story of David and Bathsheba or the Song of Solomon. Then of course, it’s probably catered to children. So no double entendres or David raping another man’s wife and having her husband killed.

Because nothing makes Sunday school more fun than listening to Bible stories told by some Middle Eastern clad ventriloquist shepherd and his shepherd dummy.

33. Music to Paint By

Still, I don’t think either one of them is in appropriate housepainting attire, which is crap clothes you can throw away. Also, I’m sure dancing isn’t a good idea when you’re holding paintbrushes either. I mean paint can really get in your clothes.

Now there’s an album you can listen to as you and your spouse put another coat on the living room walls.

34. Man with a Horn

Not sure if this woman wants to blow him or his trumpet. Of course, he usually blows out of his own trumpet anyway. Then again, maybe we should leave it up to the imagination.

Kind of like Fifty Shades of Grey but with more blowing action and a jazzy soundtrack.

35. Lenny Dee Down South

Of course, it seems like he’s distracted by the ballerina on a water surfboard. Still, for those who’ve seen my vintage postcards, it should be obvious he’s in Florida. Either that or just on acid.

A motorized raft for your piano? Now I’ve never seen that before.

36. The Phineas Newborn Trio “I Love a Piano”

Of course, she’s likely to hump a a leg that’s mahogany with a fine varnish and great curves. Still, I’m sure cuddling up with this kind of hard wood is sure to cause splinters.

While she does love legs, she prefers them as sturdy as they are graceful.

37. Music for Your Plants

Okay, now this is just ridiculous that it makes an album for your pets seem normal. Seriously, do plants even listen to music? Can they even hear at all? Nevertheless, I think hiring an orchestra for your ivy and ferns is just beyond crazy.

Now there’s even an album for your houseplants to listen to.

38. Cees Verschoor Dutch Sax

Hate to inflict some political correctness, but I think the outfit is a bit stereotypical. If not, then anachronistic or possibly more appropriate for a polka album. Still, at least she’s in high heels and nylons. But for God’s sake Dutch people don’t dress like that. Never have.

Didn’t know people in the Netherlands even listened to jazz music, let alone saxophone.

39. The Ventures Walk Don’t Run

Not only that, but the lead female singer was so much in rehearsal mode that she absolutely no idea what was going on. Of course, all the male members had to go to the hospital and the tour was cancelled.

Seems like the band experienced a little accident due to all the male members fighting over the pretty lead singer.

40. Smethin’ Smith and the Redheads Crazy People

Then again, all three could be reenacting their favorite sexual fantasy on the cover. Besides, those nurse outfits look like they’re straight from Mindy’s Sex Shop than any hospital.

I’m sure these guys don’t mind being in straitjackets at the funny farm with all those sexy nurses taking care of their needs.

41. Bert Kaempfert and His Orchestra If I Had You

Don’t look now but I think she’s giving the kind of face that says, “Ask me for a drink again and I’ll plan to file a restraining order against you.” Basically if a woman gives you a look like that at a bar, then she’s obviously not that into you.

Or as I call it, “Love Songs for the Singles Bar.”

42. David Carroll and His Orchestra Contrasts

Okay, now this guy is either in an old timey bathing suit or his pajamas. But we’re all sure he’s certainly distracted by the sexy. Still, why they thought an image like this was a good idea, don’t ask me. Oh, wait it was the girl in a bikini part.

Seems like old timey bathing suit guy really has a thing for the girl in the striped bikini.

43. Les Compagnons de la Chanson

Well, I guess this was probably the only place available for an album photo shoot. Still, I’m not sure a junk yard is an appropriate photo op destination for an album I definitely know doesn’t consist of rock music. Also, I think the tuxedos make the guys look a bit out of place.

For some reason, these guys don’t strike me as a garage band. Must be the tuxedos.

44. And God Gave Me a Fix: The John 3:16 Cook Story

Now I know this is a Christian album, pertaining to how Jesus saved a guy from a heroin addiction. But still what’s with the big hand inserting a crucifix into a guy with a hypodermic needle. Seriously, if this is about a guy finding God and overcoming a heroin addiction, I’m not sure if you want to use motifs pertaining to drug use. Talk about being high on Christ. Good God.

Love the tagline “From Junk to Jesus.”

45. Oral Roberts We Are Partners

Hate to offend anyone, but Oral Roberts in this reminds me of the kind of businessman who’d swindle his company of millions before heading to the Mexican border while he sets up his partner as the fall guy. That, or some Wall Street banker who was born with the character flaw of having no conscience that he robs millions through his own Ponzi scheme. Definitely not someone I’d want to shake hands with.

Oral Roberts wants you to embrace the true spirit of Jesus and shake his hand.

46. Joe “Fingers” Carr Honky Tonk

Sorry, fellas, but I’m sure your typical Old West prostitute never looked as pretty or clean as this woman. And I’m not sure if she wore a black silky outfit with fishnet stockings either. But yes, she might cater to the BDSM crowd. Can play either dom or sub.

Because nothing brings in the spirit of the Old West like a saloon floozie reclining on the piano.

47. Hugo and Luigi with Their Family Singers When Good Fellows Get Together

For now let’s hope for the best that these guys aren’t just fresh out of their AA meeting. Still, I guess this will result in at least one guy falling over or at least messing up with the lyrics. Yeah, drinking isn’t always the best activity between friends.

Because when good fellows get together, they all sing and hug each other while getting drunk.

48. Don Elliot and His Orchestra Music for the Sensational Sixties

Seriously, who the hell thought this would make a great album cover? It’s utterly ridiculous in my opinion, especially with the motorcycle and space bit. I’m sure what he has on that album won’t remind anyone of the 1960s anytime soon.

Nothing makes a great futuristic album than having a French horn player riding in a motorcycle in outer space.

49. Dr. Murray Banks How to Live with Yourself…Or…What to Do Until the Psychiatrist Comes

Seems like the waiting room at a psychiatrist’s office has the potential to be a rather interesting place. Then again, maybe you should go see a therapist after being in a room full of nuts like these.

Guess if you buy this guy’s album, you’re probably questioning your sanity by this point.

50. Les Feres Jacques Es Fessey

Now I’m not sure what distresses me about the French. The fact that Jerry Lewis has a considerable French fanbase or this album cover. I mean all these guys seem to want to spread their cape out and garner all the attention. Not sure why. Still, pretty ridiculous to say the least.

Guess everyone has to be the guy in the top hat and cape, do they?

The Wonderful World of Album Covers (Second Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on January 15, 2015

Last February, I did a post on vintage album covers that have been a great success. So with January being what it is on not having much material and the fact I’ve basically no ideas for an epic post series, I decided to do another edition. Of course, I’ve done subsequent editions on postcards and book covers so why not? Not to mention, I even did an album covers Christmas edition as well. Nevertheless, you can understand the significance of what album covers can do for the albums they promote. We’ll always remember Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album because of it’s picture of a prism forming a rainbow on a beam of light is what makes this piece of rock memorabilia (along with the songs). However, if you’re someone who expects to see the great album covers, then I think you better go somewhere else on the internet like Ebay or Amazon since this post to some of the great album art disasters in music history. Some may be bad due to bad and outdated fashion sense. Some may due to photoshop and weird photo ops. Others simply because the record company didn’t have the budget. There may be a lot of reasons like causing offense. But the reason I post such terrible album covers because many of them tend to be unintentionally funny. So without further adieu, here is a collection of vintage album covers that really haven’t held too well to say the least. (Warning content may not be suitable for children and there may be offensive content but of course, these are terrible album covers we’re talking about).

1. Mike Pacheco: Bongo Date with Mike Pacheco

So let me get this straight. Is it that bongo players only prefer hookers? Or is it that only hookers prefer bongo players? Either way, it kind of seems geared to people who hate Beatniks. Then again, bongo players aren’t really seen as desirable dates.

After a night playing bongos during a poetry session at the local Beatnik bar at Greenwich Village, bongo boy Mike has a smoke near a lamp post before hitting the hay with a pantiless call girl named Giselle. Of course, he’s dead broke by the next morning.

2. Rock n’ Roll Party: Oldies and Goodies

I can’t imagine any teen wanting to be seen with this album. Nor could I see any parent buying it for their kids since it may cause boys to do Riverdance and float as well as girls lose their shoes and have their dresses fly by. Then again, the designer was probably on LSD at the time.

Finally, an album for the teen rock fan given by the relatives who have no idea what rock music is and perhaps gave them the possible 1960s equivalent to a Kidz Bop album. Either that, or an album of rock n’ roll favorites not performed by the original artists. Still, a very corny cover.

3. Adolfo Waltzman and his Hula Hoopers: Hula Hoop!

I don’t know about you but hula hooping with no hands or neck is pretty impressive now that I think about it. And that guy is even using 3 of them.

Finally, an album containing music I can do the hula hoop with. Just what I needed (sarcasm).

4. Ernie Coombs: Mr. Dressup

Now this album is from a Canadian children’s show by the same name that ran from 1967 to 1996. It bears a lot of similarities to Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Yet, from the look of Mr. Dressup’s face as he cheerfully saws his wooden plank, I sure don’t want to be in his “Neighborhood of Make-Believe.” Also, the puppets are terrifying.

“Hello, kids, and welcome to my workshop. Don’t mind me working with the saw I could possibly cut you to pieces with. Oh, and by the way, those toys are either soulless or demon possessed. I’m not sure which.”

5. Sin Alley Vol. 1

Also, this album seems to be subjected to the same kind of advertising treatment you’d apply to a strip club, brothel, or sex dungeon. Then again, this might’ve been the designer’s intention. Can’t wait to hear the one about Kermit having an Ultimate Fighting sex orgy with 3 boobed green women from Mars. Bet Miss Piggy’s going to be pissed.

Finally, an album with 18 rockabilly blasters pertaining to everything a young man between the ages of 13 to 30 would love such as sex, lust, fighting, Martians, more sex, and frogs?

6. Saxomaniac: Sax Sounds

“For the last fucking time, if I ever hear that God awful castrated Bebpop and Fusion shit that sound like what I hear when I get a root canal, then I’ll have to jump off a cliff! Oh, the horror! The horror!”

Looks like this woman is a waitress at some kind of high end cocktail lounge. I mean she obviously has heard enough smooth jazz music in a lifetime to drive her utterly screaming with her eardrums bleeding. It’s a real tragic case.

7. Argentina Coral: Cante Gitano

I know that this woman is photographed for the album art to look sexy with the apparent make up job. However, she just reminds me of a stern Italian woman who’s seething with rage after finding out her husband had slept with every other female in town, including her mother and sisters.

“All right, Mr. DeVille, I’m ready for my close up, even if you aren’t you no good son of a bitch.” Please don’t be a wax model of Amy Winehouse as if she would’ve been if she’d just go to rehab already. Sorry about that, Amy Winehouse fans.

8. Saventa Jovanovic: Lazno Je, Lazno, Sve Sto, Je Tvoje

This is from Yugoslavia, where I suppose the women had a different set of what I’d call, “grooming habits,” than in other countries during the 1960s. Of course, this would’ve just come off as just as another piece of tacky 1960s fashion but the Mrs. Bigfoot legs make it all the more memorable.

I’m sure sitting with her legs crossed in a short skirt won’t make it look like she’s like any other Eastern European with bad fashion sense.

9. Tozovac: Jeremija

Now I know many guys think that they’d look more badass being photographed near a humongous military tank. However, fellas, you might want to take note that having a big ass anti-aircraft gun between your legs, might make people think you’re insecure with your masculinity.

I suppose in the Eastern Bloc Era, it meant, “compensating for something” or “stop making fun of my penis.”

10. Don Costa’s Free Loaders: Music to Break a Sub-Lease

Seems like these people were evicted from their apartment while having a party. Looks like their jam party sessions have finally caught up to them that the landlord basically had to kick them out. That, and for not paying the rent of course.

Hey, poor and homeless people need music, too, even this album just play songs you’d hear on the discount rack albums you’d find at the dollar store.

11. The Tattoos: Pops Go Trumpet

Still, what’s with the double bells here. Looks freaky. Also, I wonder if a trumpeter needs to see a doctor if their trumpet’s erection lasts for more than 4 hours. Also, what do you give a trumpet suffering from erectile dysfunction? Or is that none of my business?

Seems like a naked woman would lead to any horny trumpeter sporting an erection both on their instrument and in their pants.

12. Electronic Music

My sister attends VCU as as a commercial art student and would be horrified if she ever saw any crap like this. Seriously, looks as if some cartoon character took a dump on it.

“A new concept of music, created by sonic vibrations” too bad the cover resembles something you’d find in a trash heap at a modern art museum. Seriously, what the hell is that supposed to be? Or do I just not understand the concept of “abstract” here?

13. Jack Fascinato: Music from a Surplus Store

What bugs me about this is that the woman on this album is obviously wealthy since she has a fur stole, something Audrey Hepburn would wear, and a guy to carry stuff she wants to buy. Not somebody I’d see at a surplus store. Then again, perhaps her husband lost a lot of money on Wall Street and is now in prison.

Or as I call it, either music that’s outdated or totally crap or music not available on a CD you can rip onto Windows Media Player. Also, nowadays music you hear from a surplus store isn’t what I’d call “a basketful of new sounds.” That would be iTunes.

14. Jack McDuff: Sophisticated Funk

Of course, it’s obvious that this one was made from 2 elbow patches and a cheap hotel lock. Still, contrary to what you know about the Middle Ages, most of such “medieval” artifact chastity belts turned out as fakes. More likely they were used as a 19th century device to keep boys from jerking off. Now they’re used in BDSM.

Featuring the latest model in chastity belt technology. For those paranoid husbands concerned about your nympho wife’s potential to cheat on you, this model comes with a keypad lock with its own code.

15. Vintage album from South Korea. Can’t read the Asian characters for the artist or title (possibly the soundtrack to Planet of the Apes).

Love to hear Charlton Heston say, “Keep your stinking music off me, you damn, dirty ape!” Still, despite being inordinately hairy, they seem to have impeccable fashion sense, especially the one with the pimp cane.

Strangely, after taking over Earth, the apes seemed to have a thriving music industry with the unfortunate side effect of producing just as crappy albums like their human predecessors from Planet of the Apes.

16. Lowell Mason an the Crusaders: Sing for God and Country

Of course, I know I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to calling dwarfs “midgets” (though my dad’s more an offender) but despite it’s amusing connotation, people with dwarfism don’t like being called this. In fact, they consider “midget” as deeply offensive. Nevertheless, this guy seems to have the same poise as Peter Dinkledge from Game of Thrones.

Finally, a Christian album that celebrates man’s music while calling him by a very offensive term in the dwarfism community.

17. Mariachi Nuevo Tecalitan: Inolvidable El Charro del Misterioso Vol. 5

Another thing that disappointed me was the album featuring a woman holding a yellow rose and not seeing, “La Rosa Amarilla de Tejas” anywhere in the track listing. I mean, that would’ve been a perfect cover image for such a single.

Now this title translates from Spanish as “Unforgettable: The Mysterious Horseman Vol. 5” which is a perfectly good title. However, I know Mexico takes pride in their luchador wrestlers and their costumes, but that guy just seems less of a “mysterious manly man” and more of a “bank robber.” Let’s just say, I’d more likely make a deposit in my pants if I saw him near where I cash in my checks.

18. Sammy Davis Jr. and Peter Lawford: Soundtrack to Salt and Pepper: Super Spy Hippy

Hate to say this, but Sammy Davis Jr. looks totally like a gangster in this with his bling, leather jacket, smoking his cigarette, and wielding an AK-47 while Lawford seems asking for cash.

Watch out, Commies, here comes the super spy guy with the glass eye! And his British friend and onetime JFK brother-in-law, Peter Lawford. Must’ve been a movie that sucked. By the way, directed by the same guy who brought you Lethal Weapon.

19. Elsa Popping and her Pixieland Band: Delirium in Hi-Fi

Okay, this family seems to have a guy humping a couch, a dead woman behind a sofa, and a guy on the far left with headphones hooked up to a girl’s ass. Seems to make the Addams family look normal. Not only that, but even the dog has his own pair, but they’re hooked up to the record player. There’s even a cover of this in color with a space ship near Earth.

Yes, what kind of music to listen to on a lazy evening around the record player with the folks?

20. Slim Goodbody: The Inside Story

Before he joined SCTV and SNL where he achieved fame as Ed Grimely, Canadian comedian Martin Short was once a performer in an afro known as “Slim Goodbody” who’d make educational albums for kids on the human body, covering all parts but the reproductive system.

I’ve heard of body suits but this is overdoing. I mean it’s not that it shows too little. It just shows way too much. Comes with, “Special bonus full color activity poster and lyric sheet.” Ugh.

21. Ludwig: Zither Soloist

Of course, when I hear zither music, I think of Joseph Cotten on the streets of war torn Vienna trying to find out what happened to Orson Welles who’s been running a racket administrating diluted penicillin to sick children.

The therapist suggested role-playing, but Norma never understood Larry’s bare assed zither routine, especially in lederhosen.

22. Enoch Light: Spaced Out

I get that sex sells but I don’t see how a tin foil Babarella bikini could be any comfortable to say the least. Seriously, why?

Looks like the album cover has been taking the brown acid at Woodstock for far too long.

23. Various Artists: The Wild Sounds of Satan’s Sadists

Of course, this is a soundtrack from a biker movie from the 1960s which wasn’t Easy Rider an probably wasn’t as good. I’m not sure about the soundtrack though.

Okay, is it just me or do those red bikers guy seem to be peeing on smaller version of themselves?

24. Steve Karmen: Music to the Motion Picture What Do You Say to a Naked Lady?

From the San Diego Reader: “The 1970 film What Do You Say to a Naked Lady was actually a spin-off of the Candid Camera TV show, done by Allen Funt for adults only. Originally rated X (I have it on video), the movie catches people reacting in public to, well, a naked lady – how THAT translates to a RECORD ALBUM, only Satan’s Sadists can say….”

“Now Sally has lent her services to the medical school by exposing herself to the class on today’s lesson on female sexuality and the reproductive system. I expect all of you to be on your best behavior.”

25. Little Richard Miller: Jesus Use Me

Also, plays bass by the way. Still, are they also saying that he drives a tour bus, too? And if so, did he hit a fire hydrant or what? Not to mention, the Jesus picture in the corner just freaks me out.

I don’t know about you, but regardless of how inspirational they make it out to be, I just find the idea of a person playing keyboard with no limbs quite terrifying if you ask me.

26. Lionel Blair: Aerobic Dancing

Okay, well, I’ve seen my mom and sister watch aerobics videos and DVDs since I was a kid and that album cover reflects why I’d just avoid them like the plague whenever I could. Just let me go for a walk or bike ride, thank you very much. Still, Key and Peele did a great parody of the 1980s aerobic fitness craze in one of their sketches.

Nothing makes a typical 1980s aerobics album than a helmet haired guy with a goofy smile, tube socks, and horrendously short shorts many would consider hot pants. Also does aerobic instruction to the E. T. theme song, what the hell?

27. Bell: Do You Ever Get Lonely?

I’m sure this woman gets lonely a lot these days. Hardly anyone seems to understand the art of painting cow skulls for interior decorating. Seriously, what the hell? This is probably a country music album.

Let’s see a big haired 1980s woman in a model pose with a large colorful skull of a horned cow she might’ve slaughtered. Talk about having a twisted craft hobbies. Painting cow skulls is one of the creepiest.

28. The McDonald Sisters: I’ve Got Confidence

Sometimes confidence is a positive attribute. And sometimes it can be seriously misguided as in this case. Seriously, those pink dresses are hideous.

And I sure have confidence that having these girls take their picture in knitted pink dresses was probably not a good idea. I’m sure nobody behind the scenes shared their confidence because the title’s in quotes.

29. Heino: Heino

Okay, I don’t know about you, but I fear for the dogs’ safety if they had an owner like that. Still, since 1966, he’s been one of Germany’s most successful recording artists selling 50 million albums and still going strong. Also been married 3 times. He’s even creepier without his glasses. Still, he must have something since he’s put out a lot of albums with terrible covers.

Oh, creepy German Heino, I can never forget you in a post like this. Now this one shows him as an avid dog lover in his darkened shades with his 3 poodles. What can be more heartwarming than that?

30. Kimya Dawson and Friends: Alphabutt

Of course, this isn’t really a vintage album cover since ti came out in 2007. But I’m going to leave it in anyway since it’s just so freaky and hilarious. I don’t care what’s on the record. Just want to know how this cover was produced.

Nothing makes a great educational album for the kids than one that teaches the alphabet with animals farting the letters. Seems like the rabbit can rip out the most.

31. Ted Cassidy: The Lurch

From San Diego Reader: “I have to admit, I’m dying to hear this record! All Lurch did on the Addams Family TV show is grunt and mutter “You Rang?” in that gutteral Tom-Waits-on-Valium voice of his – WTF could possibly be on this record??? And b/w “Wesley”???” Perhaps he should do an album with Vin Diesel as Groot if he’s still alive. Probably not.

Oh, my God, I didn’t know Lurch had an album. Wonder if it’s just him singing with “You rang?” which is all he said on the show. Seriously, this might be worth hearing.

32. Lena Zavaroni: Ma! He’s Making Eyes at Me

I don’t know about you but it seems that this girl has some sort of demonic glint in her eyes. It’s as if she wants to take a knife and murder the audience once she’s done singing.

As if the title was creepy enough, she’s dressed like Barbie Benton and fellating the mic. Then again, maybe it’s just the lighting done to her stage mother’s designation.

33. Trever Daniels: Time Was

Then again, it’s probably just photoshop. Or that such keyboards are really that big but I highly doubt it since my grandparents used to own an organ like this before getting a synthesizer.

Is it just me or does that guy seem a bit too big to be on the organ?

34. The Scorpions: Moment of Glory

Now if she could have a tiara, it would be perfect. Still, at least the Scorpions have come a long way with cover design once featuring naked pre-adolescent girls and melting human flesh. Still, it’s as laughable as it’s terrible.

Now I could tell that this is a female Tyrannosaurus Rex since she’s all decked out in her regal jewels and finery. Thus, she’s a real Queen of the Tyrants, a Tyrannosaurus Regina if you will.

35. E’ Lei: I Cugini di Campagna

What’s even funnier is that 2 of these guys have afros and all have platform shoes on. Of course, since Italians love dressing in fine clothes, it’s probably no surprise that these polyester suits were made by some designer and didn’t come cheap.

Nothing says Italian disco than guys in silver jumpsuits and multicolored light beams.

36. Eddie Mack: Live at the Open Sandwich Club

Seriously, how could they get away with this in the 1960s? Still, seems that Eddie Mack has that stupid grin on his face as if he’s saying, “fanservice, simply fanservice.” Nevertheless, she’s probably there to give him a lap dance.

I suppose the Open Sandwich Club was a nudie bar as indicated by the naked woman on the piano.

37. Riot: Rock City

Of course, this is consistent with Riot’s environmental message concerning the welfare of baby seals. Be nice to them or else suffer a nuclear holocaust as well as axe murder to those who survive.

All right, I’m starting to get a little uneasy about the baby seal head guy. Seriously, despite his adorable face that makes your heart melt, he seems to show signs of being a psychopath.

38. Sir Adrian Bolt: The Planets

Sure Gustuv Holst was a classical composer. However, this cover just seems like it’s straight out of a bad movie from Syfy instead of something that would inspire people to contemplate the vastness of the solar system and the infinity of the universe. That or something you’d find in Neil Degrasse Tyson’s childhood record collection.

Or what you get when Flesh Gordon and Barbarella pose in a bad Buggles music video. Seriously, this would’ve made Gustuv Holst turn in his grave.

39. Bug Out! Vol. 1

Of course, at least the designer didn’t have a cover featuring a giant spider or ant. Still, I think it’s better that he didn’t feature a mating scene with praying manti. For those who know anything about that, you know what happens after manti sex.

With the giant praying mantis on the cover, how about no way in hell. Seriously, I don’t want to be a 10,000 ft praying mantis lunch.

40. Will Starr: This is Will Star ‘the Daddy of Them All’

And you thought Weird Al made polka albums dressed in very crazy attire? Well, Will Starr seems to surpass him in polka playing tackiness and he probably doesn’t even write novelty songs. Also, looks as if he’ll keep playing polkas with his accordion of death until you drop cold and lifeless on the floor. That or if your ears start bleeding.

Let’s see. Accordion? Check. Kilt? Check. Wearing sandals and socks? Check. Impassioned evil expression on his face? Check.

41. Baby Lu-Lu: Baby Lu-Lu

This is the kind of cover that would make someone want to smash people with a shovel until the state troopers show up to taze them to death. Oh, my God is Baby Lu-Lu supposed to be a dog? That makes me freak out even more.

Nothing makes a wholesome album for families than one featuring a blond haired woman in a red gingham dress and way too much hair spray loving her dogs to death. In the words of Elmira, “I’ll love them and squeeze them and keep them for ever and ever. Mwa ha ha ha ha.”

42. Yellowman: Walking Jewelry Store

Then again, saying he’s a walking jewelry store might be saying a bit much since the bling seems like it could be found in any low price store. Walking outlet maybe. Still, if he wasn’t black, I’d assume he’s spent way too much time in a tanning salon. Also, that hairstyle is horrendous.

I’m sure that album’s title is derived from one of Yellowman’s street names during his days as a gangbanger.

43. Enoch Light and the Light Brigade: The Best Movie Themes 1970

This family must have their own private theater and popcorn machine or something. Either that or they’re at a family friendly nudist camp with it’s own movie theater. I mean people who walk naked in public usually get arrested for indecent exposure even if it’s for jerking off in a porno theater.

Because the family that goes to the movies naked together stays together.

44. Bobby Jimmy and the Critters: Ugly Knuckle Butt

Still, despite that he’s wearing a white tennis outfit, the girls seem to find him sexy for some reason. Then again, they might be hookers or work other sectors in the adult entertainment industry.

Or as Bobby Jimmy said, “Oh, hell no, you’re naming my album that!”

45. Electronic Music to Blow Your Mind!

Then again, this might as well have been John Lennon’s mind on drugs while he was writing music within the Beatles’ psychedelic phase like Revolver, Sgt. Pepper, and Magical Mystery Tour.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s draw someone who looks vaguely like John Lennon, and then spill some colored paint on the cover, and maybe people will think it’s a Beatles album!”

46. Ruben Vela: Mucho Tequila

I’m sorry but even most medical experts would say that a man can’t take that much alcohol at one time and not die of liver cirrhosis, let alone a woman. Seriously, get this senorita mexicana to a donce-step program pronto! God, how many bottles has she drank already?

I don’t know about you but I think this woman needs to check into rehab and AA meetings because I think she might have a drinking problem, at least.

47. Camilo Sesto: Entre Amigos

Boy, is my mom going to be green with envy with all the flourishing ivy around this guy. The ivy covering my house hasn’t been in the best shape these days since a lot of it died one winter.

From San Diego Reader: “Let’s get that photo I took of the pervert stalker hiding in the bushes and make it our album cover….”

48. Mrs. Miller: Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits

From San Diego Reader: “You laugh, but you should hear this soulful mama belting out “These Boots Were Made For Walking” and “Hard Day’s Night”! You’ll laugh even harder…” Still, looks pretty loaded by the expression on her face. Must sound quite horrible.

Basically the album with songs sung by that hard drinking and chain smoking middle aged woman you meet at a karaoke bar. Also, most of these songs are covers and it’s a greatest hits album? Seriously, why?

49. Ray Howard: The Cotton Pickin’ Lift Tower and Other Skiing Songs

Of course, a fall that high could break your neck. If not, then he’s probably suffered a serious spinal injury and probably will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Looks like the first one killed him. If he’s in Colorado, probably died while high on weed. So remember, kids, never dare play music on a ski lift tower. It’s a very stupid thing to do. Look what happened to him.

50. Nester Shydlowsky and the Royal Polka Kings: Buying a Car Ukrainian Style

From San Diego Reader: “Where oh where to start – the guy’s giant pointy elf shoes? The mysterious brown liquid seeping out from between the girl’s legs and onto the floor? The Beep Beep poster with inexplicable ocean motif? The hemorroid donut mounted on a wall with garden trellis?” Yeah, you can find a lot of crazy things wrong with this. Seems like the dealership is short of a few janitors at the moment. The girl’s just for holding guitars and show, you know.

Basically this consists of bringing your accordion to the auto dealership, finding the car you want, and annoying the living shit out of the dealer so they could sell it to you at a bargain price. Try to go for a yellow one.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year with Vintage Christmas Album Covers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 21, 2014

It’s that time of year again when Christmas music beckons in the stores to the point of basically making your ears bleed. Working at Macy’s, I have had to hear hours worth of Christmas music during my shifts, which sometimes makes me sick of hearing it. Yet, there’s this song I particularly despise called “Last Christmas” originally recorded by Wham!, wondering if it’s perhaps the most played Christmas song at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Center. And I admit, just to listen to that song once is torture. Still, imagine being the people who have to do these songs either as the artist or the songwriter (sometimes both, but these are old songs). Did you know that a lot of guys who wrote a great portion of your favorite Christmas songs were Jews? Of course, we all know about Irving Berlin writing “White Christmas” but a Jewish guy also wrote the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Then of course, you have a lot of high profile artists do Christmas albums which usually sell before ending up on the discount rack in some Big Lots after the Christmas season. Still, we know that a lot of these musical recording artists probably have contractual obligations, record the album in July, and probably don’t want to sing a lot unoriginal songs for an album that will only sell a part of the year. Still, without further adieu, here’s a treasure trove of some of the tackiest Christmas album covers just to get your mind off the Christmas music you probably can’t get out of your head.

1. Thore Skogman: Klappa Pa!

This guy seems very enthusiastic about his Christmas sausage. Seems like he’s a bit of a gourmand himself. Still, hope he’s not from the Eastern Bloc since I wouldn’t know how he obtained that fruit.

I suppose in this man’s country, “Klappa Pa!” means Christmas sausage time.

2. Eilert Pilarm: Eilerts Jul

He looks more like the drunken IT guy at the office Christmas party than anything relating to a Santa’s helper version of Elvis Presley. Probably passes out in the middle of “Blue Christmas.”

Merry Christmas from the North Pole’s resident Elvis Impersonator.

3. Conway Twitty: A Twismas Story with Twitty Bird and Their Little Friends

Yes, that looks like Tweety Bird all right. Still, while Tweety Bird went on to become a fantastic and beloved Looney Tunes character for generations, Twitty Bird’s alcoholism went from bad to worse and he was found dead in his cage from liver cirrhosis a la Hank Williams style.

I’m sure Warner Brothers threatened to sue if Conway Twitty used Tweety Bird.

4. Lenny Dee: Happy Holi-dee

He may not be Santa but I’d certainly would never let my dog sit on his lap. After all, he seems to harbor evil in his eyes.

Oh, Lenny! You and your poodles! I bet they ride on your lap in your car, too!

5. 24 Sint Nicolaasliedjes

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris' "6 to 8 Black Men" essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa is black, stay away from this one.

Of course, after listening to David Sedaris’ “6 to 8 Black Men” essay, there was no way I could leave this one out. Still, if your Secret Santa recipient is black, stay away from this one.

For any traditional Dutch Christmas with Saint Nick and gift giving tar babies in all.

6. The Hokner Kazoo Orchestra: Christmas with Kazoo

It’s like an instrumental version of the horrible Kidz Bop series. Still, seriously, why would anyone in their right mind think this was a good idea?

Listen to Christmas music on kiddie toy instruments.

7. White Christmas

Man, this guy seems like he's a. stepped on his kids' legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, or d. all of the above.

Man, this guy seems like he’s a. stepped on his kids’ legos, b. received a hit in the groin from karate class, c. is constipated, d. passing a kidney stone, or e. all of the above.

So, apparently Christmas albums are a thing in South Korea. Boy, that guy must be in serious pain.

8. A First Christmas Record for Children

Now this Santa is just terrifying beyond all description. Seriously, what were the album designers thinking? Then again, they were probably under contract anyway.

If you want your children to develop a love of Christmas songs and a lifelong fear of Santa, then this is the album for you.

9. Merry Christmas with the Mom and Dads

Actually, when I see their faces, I seriously feel kind of creeped out instead of welcomed. Seriously, I’m sure there’s a dead body in their house somewhere.

Kind of like a Christmas version of Mama Mia! but with ugly people and not ABBA.

10. Kiro Slabinac: Christmas with Kiro

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I've ever seen. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment.

Now this probably have to be the cheesiest Santa Claus I’ve ever seen which doesn’t have an ounce of jolly in him. Seriously, that 1970s looking stache makes him more suitable for some porn or exploitation film than anything relating to wholesome entertainment. Also, seems like he’d basically bash your brains out during a pool tournament at the North Pole.

I’m sorry, folks, but I’m sure Santa Claus doesn’t really belong in the glam rock scene or studio wrestling for that matter.

11. Christmas in the Stars: Star Wars Christmas Album

Yes, Star Wars fans, this does exist. So you can hear all your Christmas favorites sung by your favorite Star Wars characters. Also, it was Han who shot Santa Claus first.

Merry Christmas a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…

12. Christmas on Death Row

I’m sure nobody wants to hear Sherman and the Skinheads’ version of “White Christmas,” do you? I’m sure that one has nothing to do with snow.

Hear all your Christmas favorites sung by the likes of some of the most dangerous criminals in the country.

13. The Black & White Minstrel Show featuring the George Mitchell Minstrels: The Magic of Christmas

Seriously, why the fuck does this album exist? You mean they were still doing minstrel shows at this time? Shouldn’t these be burned already? And I don’t mean burned as CDs. I mean like bonfire burned so nobody would see such minstrel albums again. Wait until the NAACP hears about this.

Enjoy Christmas like your white ancestors did in a way you’d really want to forget. Available in all Jim Crow and KKK record stores. Key songs are: “Have Yourself a Racist Little Christmas,” “White Christmas,” “Burn the Fiery Cross,” “The Little Klu Klux Boy,” and “Yuletide Lynching Time.”

14. The Blues Busters: Merry Christmas

However, I don’t know what to make of having these two guys’ disembodied heads on a Christmas wreath. Now that looks really freaky.

Merry Christmas from the black guys who seem to be ripping off the Blues Brothers, at least in name anyway.

15. Gaby Berger: Du Bist Nicht Der Weihnachts-Mann

After posing on this album with Psycho Claus, Gaby Berger would never be seen again. It’s rumored that the guy behind the Santa mask brutally murdered her in cold blood.

I’m no expert in German but I’m sure this means “A Silent Night with Psycho Claus.”

16. X-Mas Project

Is it just me or do those rock Santas seem like they’ve just come out of the grave for some reason? Also, I’m sure the cover artist was fired immediately after doing this.

Celebrate the season with this rock group of Santa death metal musicians.

17. Tiny Tim: Tiny Tim’s Christmas Album

Of course, while Tiny Tim may have the kind of face you’d like to see on some heavy metal or real dark emo cover, he actually had a rather high pitched voice and was known for doing, “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” on a ukelele. And he got married on a late night show. Nevertheless, he was a very creepy dude.

Despite the cover imagery, this album doesn’t fall under death metal or emo. In fact, quite the contrary to the fans’ disappointment.

18. The Surfers: Christmas from Hawaii

Of course, the Surfers actually wanted a different artificial Christmas tree, but the aluminum pink one was the only one the store had that could fit on their boat.

Because nothing stirs up your nostalgia for Christmas more than four shirtless Polynesian guys rowing a canoe with a pink aluminum Christmas tree on it.

19. Santa’s Helpers: All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth & Festive Favorites for Children

At least if this kid had some form of corrective vision surgery, he might be significantly less creepy than he seems in this album cover. Seriously, what were they thinking?

Well, this child has his two front teeth but perhaps you might want to buy this album so he could have some corrective vision surgery for being cross eyed.

20. Wilf Carter: Christmas in Canada

Seriously, if it didn’t say “Christmas in Canada” I would’ve mistaken this for some country western album. I don’t know what the Canadians think about such a design, but here in America, we don’t associate Canadians with cowboy culture. Probably should’ve used a Mountie or a hockey player instead.

Because nothing reminds us of a Canadian Christmas more than a man dressed as a snazzy cowboy holding a guitar. Oh, wait, I’m thinking of Texas.

21. Heino: Deutcshe Weihnacht…und Festliche Lieder

For those who haven't seen my post on tacky album covers, Heino's the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he's even more terrifying in shades.

For those who haven’t seen my post on tacky album covers back in February, Heino’s the guy I said seems more appropriate for some Dieter inspired music video. He was the guy holding the roses. And he’s even more terrifying in shades.

Man, I didn’t know that Dieter’s creepy blond friend had a Christmas album. Must be very popular back in Germany.

22. The Border Brass: Tijuana Christmas

Also, I don’t know about you, but I’m sure Tijuana, Mexico isn’t known for their harsh snowy winters during the Christmas season. In fact, the average winter temperatures in Tijuana are usually in the upper 50s and you don’t have a white Christmas in those weather conditions.

Or as someone who spent high school and college playing in marching band: How Not to Decorate Your Instrument for Christmas. I mean putting baubles at the bell end of your trumpet is a very terrible idea. Also, playing with mittens doesn’t help either.

23. Colonel Sanders: Christmas with Colonel Sanders

Seriously, how did this album ever come to exist? Then again, it’s tradition in Japan to eat KFC for Christmas since the 1970s so that probably has something to do with it.

Have a Kentucky Fried Christmas with the Colonel because who in the hell needs healthy arteries this holiday season?

24. Slim Whitman: Christmas with Slim Whitman

Still, despite him looking quite skeevy in his Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket and ascot, I’m sure Slim Whitman’s music will live on forever since it really comes in handy during a Martian invasion. Seriously, it makes Martians’ heads explode.

I’m sure this Christmas album was totally not contractually obligated. Sure it was.

25. Korla Pandit: Merry Xmas

Then again, snake charming Christmas music might really come in handy during this holiday season, especially if you live in areas with a lot of mice and vermin. Of course, this may not be a good thing in Florida with the Burmese Python roaming around. Those can get quite big and possibly eat you.

Finally, the kind of Christmas music to charm snakes with. Also, totally not contractually obligated (yeah right, this guy probably doesn’t even celebrate Christmas).

26. Jimmy Buffet: Christmas Island

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic mission searching for his lost shaker of salt.

Seems like Jimmy Buffet has spent too much time wasting away in Margaritaville. Either that, or has been on an epic adventure searching for his lost shaker of salt. Still, that tan is just atrocious.

Nothing says Christmas like a guy in a Santa hat floating across the sea in a bathtub decked with Christmas lights and tinsel decorations.

27. The Goldiggers: We Need a Little Christmas

I’m sure that’s whatever in those presents aren’t exactly what these women wanted for Christmas. To know what these girls wanted for Christmas, see the track of “Santa Baby.” You get the idea.

Merry Christmas from the Society of Retired Bond Girls, apparently. Then again, these women might’ve been in the James Coburn Our Man Flint series, which my dad likes for some reason. Of course, they were making fun of the Bond movies. Still, that In Like Flint makes me understand why many women became feminists (because it was horribly sexist).

28. Jacob Miller and Ray I: Natty Christmas

Still, unless you live in Colorado and Washington (as far as I know), you might get arrested for having a marijuana Christmas tree. Yet, one of the great things about a pot tree is that you can smoke it after you’re done with it.

Jacob and Ray wish that all of you develop a lot of high times this Christmas and have a stoned New Year.

29. Merry Christmas

As you’ve probably guess, this was recorded in Japan. Still, this little girl seems quite friendly for someone who’s able to crush buildings and eat you alive. Her gigantic condition probably was a side affect from Hiroshima or something.

Merry Christmas from the cherry 100 ft tall Asian child, who’ll probably be destined to square off with Godzilla in Tokyo someday.

30. Joyeux Noel

Seriously, that tan doesn’t look real at all. Still, she doesn’t seem to be in the festive mood for this Christmas season. Then again, they may be aiming for irony here.

Nothing says Christmas than an aluminum Christmas tree and a depressed blond who seems to be spending too much time in the tanning salon.

31. Domencio Savino and his Orchestra and Chorus: Hi-Fi Christmas Party

Of course, how they managed to fit Santa in his bright red sack without damaging the toys, I’ll never know. Oh, yes, magic. Now I remember.

There’s nothing that brings a family together for Christmas than a mother and her children cheerfully attempting to hold Santa hostage in his sack.

32. Sing with Marcy

I have yet to understand the use of why ventriloquism seems to be so rampant in the Christian media. And the dummies always seem to be so creepy. Still, I’m sure Marcy is likely to haunt children in their dreams with her plans for world domination.

Because you celebrate the birth of Christ without hearing a scary woman decked in red and furs sing about Jesus with her equally creepy dummy.

33. Michl Kang: Wenn’s Christmaskindl Kommit

For a traditional German Christmas album, there are so many options for a cover. I mean they could’ve used Saint Nicholas giving sweets to children or a rustic village in the snow. Why they chose Grandpa making children cry, I have no idea.

Looks like Grandpa made young Jurgen cry after he told the kiddies about the legendary Krampus. Probably scared the shit out him that there’s a large dark spot on Jurgen’s lederhosen.

34. Jackie Gleason: All I Want for Christmas

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn't known for being blond bombshell singer. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight. He was also at least middle aged at the time. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would've been more appropriate.

For those unfamiliar with vintage pop culture, let me tell you that Jackie Gleason wasn’t known for being blond bombshell singer and model. In fact, Jackie Gleason was actually a guy known for his work as an actor, comedian, and musician best remembered as Ralph Kramden from The Honeymooners. Also, he was know to have dark hair and be overweight as well as didn’t achieve widespread fame until he was in his late 30s. Having him in a Santa suit on the cover would’ve been more appropriate.

When your job is to design an album cover and you’ve run out of ideas, you’ll more likely go with putting a blond bombshell in a Santa suit on it.

35. Rudy Ray Moore: This Ain’t No White Christmas

Yes, I know this cover is fairly offensive to the African American community, yet at least this is better than the covers featuring blackface. Still, for those thinking that rap covers are offensive, you might want to send an apology.

Because there’s no better way to say “Merry Christmas” in the realm of blackploitation. Also a way of telling the world, “I’m a pimp.”

36. Phil Spector: Christmas Album

We should’ve known that Phil Spector was a mad man capable of killing somebody. Yet, we ignored this album image because he was known to produce really great records with the Beatles, John Lennon, and the Ramones.

Now this Santa seems so sketchy with an insane look in his eyes that you’d think he might be out to kill somebody. Oh, wait, that’s Phil Spector so he did. And that snow looks totally fake.

37. Bordello Mamas: Julvisor

Still, I have to admire this cover artist’s use of having at least one full figured woman in here. However, Santa has a lot to answer for if Mrs. Claus ends up contracting genital herpes.

Nothing excites a bunch of naked women more than a pantsless Santa and his sack full of dildos. Possibly the most inappropriate album cover I’ve ever seen as well as the most unnecessary since porn is more of a visual medium if you know what I mean.

38. Nuttin’ and Suzy Snowflake: Nuttin’ for Christmas and Suzy Snowflake

Yes, I’m sure this album will make an unforgettable as if these two terrifying puppets are about to murder you in your sleep. Seriously, they’re creepy as hell.

Now you get a glimpse on what it’s like to spend the holidays with Chucky’s family.

39. Liberace: Twas the Night Before Christmas

Still, whether you like it or not, I’m sure that there can be no more appropriate image for Liberace Christmas album than having him in his ridiculous multi-decker fur coat. Of course, let’s hope it’s not made from baby seals.

If it weren’t for Liberace being flamboyantly gay, I would’ve sworn that he was Lady Gaga’s biological father.

40. Lagna Fieta and his Orchestra: Natal Dancante

I know that the title translates to: “Christmas Dance Party” from Portuguese. Yet, when I see a picture of two lets sticking out from a sack, I don’t think the term “dance party” comes to mind. Seems like Santa Claus has some explaining to do.

Or as I call it: Santa Claus and the Missing White Woman.

41. Kay Martin and her Body Guards: I Know What He Wants for Christmas But I Don’t Know How to Wrap It!

Man, this album cover does demonstrate how sex seems to sell in the music industry. Still, it’s kind of funny considering that SNL did a sketch on a similar matter with the music video to “Dick in a Box.” Yet, when it comes to wrapping, ladyparts are a bit more complicated.

For God’s sake, lady, I’m sure we all know how to keep your present a secret this Christmas. Still, he might appreciate something more concrete like a new wallet, some tools an gadgets, or perhaps a jersey from his favorite sports team.

42. Merry Christmas to You

Even more ironic is that this album features artists such as Pat Boone, the Lennon Sisters, the Mills Brothers, and the Lawrence Welk Orchestra. These artists weren’t exactly people you’d expect on an album with such a provocative cover.

Apparently, in the 1960s, being clothed in nothing but clear plastic was considered wholesomely dressed.

43. Ross Christman: Space Age Santa Claus

I just have a few questions about this picture. For one, why is that tree still alive while Santa is wearing a space helmet? Also, how does Santa keep his toys in his sack within zero gravity?

Santa Claus sends his Christmas wishes, from Space!

44. Tim Dinkins: Christmas on the Moon

Seems like moon fever was so great in the summer of 1969 that it spread over the the Christmas music industry as well. Still, hope Santa got back all right afterwards.

Guess Santa Claus took part in the Apollo Space Program didn’t he? At least this space album makes better sense from the last one. Guess Santa’s involvement was a state secret.

45. The Three Suns: A Ding Dong Dandy Christmas!

Still, I wonder if she either “spread eagle” as they found her or were they involved in some kinky figure skating routine beforehand. Maybe I don’t want to know.

Seems like this woman just got lucky on the ice three times over in “spread eagle” mode. Luckily this wasn’t during the hockey game. Still, makes me shudder to think what kind of figure 8s these guys gave her.

46. It’s a Waffle House Christmas

Seriously, Christmas and Waffle House really don’t go together. I mean besides breakfast, the Waffle House is also known as some sort of dive for drunks and stoners at 2 a.m. Basically a poor man’s version of “Hotel California.”

Celebrate Christmas with the sounds of perhaps one of the more depressing places to stay during the Christmas season.

47. Anne Guest Moore: Welcome to the World of Anne Guest Moore

Well, I’m sure she’s only doing the Santa’s Little Helper gig for the 20% discounts. Still, I guess we all have to get our start somewhere, even if it’s in a velvet costume.

While not spending her nights at lavish parties during the evening as a lady of the night, she spends her time during the day as an elf for Santa at the mall.

48. Connie Francis: Christmas in My Heart

Seriously, whoever she’s on the phone with is probably a telemarker, an ex-boyfriend who can’t take a hint, or both. Either way, she seems moments away from hanging up on the annoying caller in question.

Well, while Christmas may be in her heart, I’m sure the person she’s on the phone with isn’t.

49. John Tesh: A Romantic Christmas

No wonder why the people of Lexington boarded up their houses whenever they thought they heard Paul Revere say, “John Tesh is coming!” Of course, this is coming from a sketch pertaining to a 1990s Warner Brothers cartoon Histeria, which unfortunately isn’t available in DVD. Bastards.

Only romance going on here is whether John Tesh decides to spare this lady from his advances this Christmas Eve.

50. Disco Noel

I don’t know about you but I really don’t think that Christmas and Disco really go together. Still, this woman really seems particularly excited to decorate her home with little ornaments of disco balls.

At your Christmas party, celebrate the holiday season with your Christmas classics set to funky disco music.

The Wonderful World of Sand Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on August 17, 2014

Summer is a time of year where many people tend to travel great length to go to the beach. Of course, many kids tend to build sandcastles with their sand toys and such. Yet, while some of them may be quite good, there are some adults who tend to take this to an art form. Sometimes they don’t even build castles since such subject matter is kids’ stuff. Nevertheless, this post is about the kind of sand sculpture that would put a lot of little kids to shame if they ever viewed their creations as having any serious artistic merit. Of course, most little kids don’t take their creations too seriously but that’s beside the point. So without further adieu, here is an assortment of sand sculptures by a lot of artists who actually did take their sand castles seriously as young kids.

1. Why make a sandcastle when you can create a whole sand city skyline?

Of course, I’m not sure what city or if a any urban entity has such skyline. Yet, I have to admit it’s better city than what I could’ve created.

2. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the abode of Poseidon.

I almost thought this was a sand sculpture of Zeus on Mount Olympus until I noticed the fish. Of course, you don’t want to mess with Poseidon either since he’s also the god of earthquakes.

3, Of course, you can’t exclude a sand sculpture of the Bard himself.

For those who don’t know that is a donkey’s head for Bottom from A Midsummer’s Nights Dream. It’s not a prop for The Godfather, which is nowhere near a Shakespearean comedy.

4. Of course, nobody can’t skip a sand sculpture rendition of the Wallace and Gromit classic The Wrong Trousers.

Of course, the moral of The Wrong Trousers is never trust mysterious anthropomorphic penguins, especially if it wears a rubber red glove to disguise itself as a chicken.

5. A Star Trek sand sculpture can go to where sand sculpture has never gone before.

Still, this doesn’t stop Spock from thinking that sand artwork is highly illogical. Of course, he thinks a lot of things are illogical.

6. Go to the beach and see Batman fight the Hulk.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think a fight between Batman and the Hulk would make an exciting movie. I mean I’m sure Batman would somehow end up in the ICU with a full body cast once the Hulk is done with him.

7. We’ll always have a sand sculpture of Hollywood.

Of course, this is a sand sculpture of the climatic scene in Casablanca when Ilsa goes on that plane. Still, “Here’s looking at you kid.”

8. Yet, no sand sculpture gallery would be complete without a rendition of Herman Mellville’s Moby Dick.

Of course, this is the scene when Moby Dick takes down Captain Ahab which kind of serves the bastard right. After all, Moby Dick wasn’t nearly as obsessed with meeting Ahab as Ahab was meeting him.

9. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you a sand sculpture of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Of course, contrary to the map, Jack Sparrow is a pirate from the Caribbean, not Boston. Yet, the artist did a hell of a job since it almost resembles the real thing.

10. I’m sure a giant Gollum still hasn’t gotten over losing his precious.

“We wants it. We needs it. We must have the precious.” Still, very artistically done but might frighten the kids.

11. See Leonardo Da Vinci draw his Virtruvian Man on the beach.

Of course, the reason we could tell it’s Da Vinci and not an old man rising from the sand has more to do with the Virtruvian Man’s inclusion.

12. Of course, you have to include a sand sculpture of Darth Vader though he may be on the dark side of the Force.

Still, Darth Vader tends to be a popular subject among sand sculptors for some reason. Maybe it’s due to him being such an iconic bad guy.

13. For you Canadians, here’s the sand sculpture for you.

Still, I’m not sure if a sand sculpture for Canada is appropriate since I’m sure the country isn’t known for its beaches. I think a snow sculpture would be more suitable.

14. Why make a sand castle when you can make a bunch of sand dinosaurs fighting each other?

Of course, I wouldn’t let my kids anywhere near those Tyrannosaurs. Still, I’m sure letting your kids playing around dinosaurs isn’t very responsible parental behavior even if T-rexes are awesome.

15. See a rendition of George Washington crossing the Delaware.

Of course, I’m sure icy water is easier to navigate through than sand. Yet, I can see Lincoln in the background for some reason.

16. See a sand sculpture involving a Pope and a winged lion.

Of course, I’m sure the Pope in the original picture just had himself put in a portrait with a winged lion to make himself seem more badass. At least I think the guy in the sculpture’s a pope.

17. Here is a sand sculpture depicting the birth of Aphrodite rising from the sea in a clam shell.

That is, it’s actually only one of the ways Aphrodite was born in Greek Mythology. Still, in this version of her birth, she didn’t necessarily rise out of a clam shell. It actually out of another god’s genitals cut off during a family dispute.

18. Dr. Sigmund Freud sometimes likes to psychoanalyze his patients at the beach.

Of course, what you don’t want to hear from Dr. Freud are his psychological evaluations of Greek mythological characters. Please, don’t ask.

19. Let’s see if this Lord of the Rings sand sculpture is the one to rule them all.

Of course,this sculpture only has Gollum, Gandalf, and Frodo Baggins since doing a sand sculpture of the Fellowship would’ve taken up the whole beach.

20. See a sand sculpture of Charlie Chaplin’s The Kid.

And here’s Jackie Coogan playing the adorable little boy way before he played Uncle Fester in The Addams Family. Yes, Uncle Fester was once a cute little boy.

21. Here’s a sand sculpture rendition of Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels.

Of course, many would be creeped out by the idea of being tied down on a beach by tiny people while sleeping. I mean this is what most people remember from those stories.

22. And now a sand sculpture of King Trident’s castle.

I don’t know about you but I think Poseidon’s domain was way cooler for some reason. Still, right on though.

23. Why have a sand castle while you can create a sand dragon?

I’m sure the woman in the sculpture knows what I’m talking about. Though I’d be worry about her since dragons aren’t really that nice.

24. Here is a sand sculpture of a Mesoamerican calendar.

Of course, I’m not sure if it’s either Mayan or Aztec. Then again, it almost resembles what would be found at a real site.

25. Of course, you can’t leave the beach until you’ve seen a sand sculpture depicting the Last Supper.

Still, despite being very close to the tide, this is actually quite good. Too bad it will be washed away though.

26. Here’s a sand sculpture rendition of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

The reason why I know this is because of Dobby’s presence and Ron’s broken wand. However, what I have to ask is where’s Harry Potter in this?

27. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the sand sculpture rendition of the Taj Mahal.

Of course, if you see a rendition of the Taj Mahal, you’ll get the idea of India. Yet, you need to hear the story behind it.

28. And here’s a sand sculpture tribute to Jurassic Park.

So the moral of this movie is that cloning dinosaurs for tourism is a very bad idea. Reason is demonstrated here.

29. Now here’s a sand sculpture tribute to Noah’s Ark.

Of course if it weren’t for the ark in the background, you would’ve assumed it was a take off on the creatures of Africa.

30. Here is a sand sculpture of a Mesoamerican pyramid temple.

Of course, if you want to know if it’s Mayan or Aztec, see who gets sacrificed there. Mayans take nobles while Aztecs take anyone they captured. Also, if it’s a temple to Quetzalcoatl, no humans will be sacrificed there at all.

31. Now here is a giant sand sculpture of the Buddha.

Of course, I’m sure spending a lot of time creating this statue isn’t really an enlightened activity to some people.

32. Here is a sandy rendition of the Syndey Opera House.

Of course, this is probably one of the more famous buildings in Australia if you know what I mean.

33. Finally, a sand sculpture tribute to the Harry Potter series.

At least this one has Harry and a lot of the major characters as well as Hogwarts itself. Then again, where’s Dumbledore and Hagrid?

34. To remember our troops, here is a sand sculpture of the famous photo from Iwo Jima.

Of course, if you’ve seen Flags of Our Fathers, what happened to the guys in the photo wasn’t pretty. This is particularly with Ira Hayes.

35. Here’s a sand sculpture of a rock star having a good old time.

Nevertheless, the song he played was “Enter the Sandman.” Get it?

36. A great sand sculpture dedication of Mount Rushmore.

Of course, it has the rare distinction of being one of America’s most iconic monuments while still managing to offend the Native Americans living near it.

37. Here is a sand sculpture of Michelangelo’s Pieta.

Of course, it’s not quite like the Michelangelo sculpture but it’ll have to do for this beach. Also, pretty close to the tide.

38. And now, a sand sculpture rendition of the Great Sphnix.

Still, don’t know whatever happened to his nose. Probably had something to do with erosion or something.

39. Here is a sand sculpture of Romeo and Juliet.

“Uh, Romeo, she’s not dead honestly. And, Juliet, just wake up already before he poisons himself already!” Seriously how can we view two teenagers making such rash decisions due to raging hormones as romantic?

40. Finally a sand monument to Walt and Mickey in sand.

On second thought, we have to accept that Walt Disney was kind of a scheming bastard while Mickey can be quite creepy.

41. And now to commemorate the Rio Olympics, here’s a sand sculpture of Rio de Janiero’s Christ the Redeemer.

Of course, I would’ve done this post during the World Cup but I was busy with other things at the time.

42. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the Beatles.

Paul: “What’s the matter with him?”
John: “Don’t know. Probably come down with a bad case of Bieber Fever.”

43. May I present to you, Harley Davidson’s wild hogs.

Having pigs on motorcycles is actually a clever idea. Of course, I hope they don't crash and end up crsipy bacon.

Having pigs on motorcycles is actually a clever idea. Of course, I hope they don’t crash, burn and end up crsipy bacon.

44. Of course, you have to have a sand sculpture of the Ten Commandments.

Of course, you can follow the Ten Commandments to the letter all your life and still be a shitty person. Also, I’m not posting this as a statement of religion. It’s just for artistic merit. By the way, these aren’t the Ten Commandments I learned in religion class anyway.

45. And now, a sand sculpture of the Greek gods on Mount Olympus.

Of course, in the world of mythology, this bunch is one of the most powerful jerks you’ll ever meet, especially Zeus. I mean most of the problems in Greek mythology are caused by Zeus not being able to keep it in his pants.

46. Of course, this castle has seen better days.

Yet, it’s still much more amazing than a sand castle that I could ever build.

47. There once was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

Of course, contrary to the nursery rhyme all her children had gone by now. And she’s basically living in it with her cat.

48. Man, I wonder if there could be a place like this in real life.

Nevertheless, this sand sculpture design is rather impressive. I sure couldn’t do that.

49. And now a sand sculpture of Marilyn Monroe from The Seven Year Itch.

Of course, this image was on a lot young men’s bedroom walls in the 1950s, though considered risque at the time.

50. Finally, a sand sculpture of the Statue of Liberty.

She seems more lively than the real thing in New York Harbor. Then again, she doesn’t get much leeway in metal though.

The Wonderful World of Lawn Ornaments

Posted by historymaniacmegan on July 28, 2014

Of course, lawn ornaments have always been a tacky mainstay in many gardens. Whether it be gnomes, flamingos, Virgin Mary grottoes, and what not, you’ve seen them on a roadside once in a while. Some of you may have a few yourself which you like to show off to the neighbors or onlookers. Sure many of us can have the urge to decorate our lawns and gardens with certain statues and artworks which sometimes don’t go well with the landscape. I could talk about all the kitschy lawn ornaments I’ve seen over the internet but you probably would’ve found it boring and wouldn’t have much interest in this post. In fact, there are people who have lawn ornaments that even defy the conventional pink flamingo ornaments you see in the leading picture. And since I was tied up with doing movie history posts back in the spring, now’s the best time as any. So without further adieu, here are some of the tackiest lawn ornaments ever to grace any garden or lawn.

1. For the beachfront garden, here’s a wooden pictures of two kids in swimsuits.

Yet, I’m not sure if these kids in swimsuits would be appropriate in a more inland setting with trees. After all, they seem a bit too happy by a realistic standpoint.

2. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you, Zombie Gnome.

Of course, with the popularity of The Walking Dead, we have to have zombie versions of everything. Of course, this gnome won’t be a danger to your brains due to its size but to other gnomes, well, God help them.

3. How about a whale fountain that spurts out water from its mouth?

This whale seems rather happy for being way outside its natural environment for some reason. Of course, it’s made from metal but still.

4. Of course, for those who have a thing for the Old South, here’s a black boy ornament sitting on a ledge.

I have an uncle who has an ornament similar to this. Of course, it was more racist looking than this, but it still made me cringe. Still, you wouldn’t want this figure in a predominantly black neighborhood. Sorry, NAACP.

5. If you’re into frogs, here some in sexually suggestive poses.

Of course, the only thing saving these animals from being inappropriate is the fact that frogs don’t have mammary glands. Yet, you can tell that whoever designed these figures probably kept a secret Playboy stash during his high school years.

6. For those who like frogs, here’s a glow in the dark one to light your garden.

Now if I saw a real frog glowing in the dark in my yard, I’d freak out like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously frogs don’t glow in the dark.

7. Nothing makes a great lawn sculpture than a tiger on a chain.

I just hope that whoever owns this doesn’t have neighbors in PETA, ASPCA or the Humane Society. In fact, let’s hope that this person isn’t living anywhere near anyone active in animal rights because a tiger chained at the neck has some rather unfortunate implications.

8. For cow lovers, here’s a red one in a dress.

As to why anyone would want a red cow with a dress on is beyond me. I mean real cows don’t wear dresses and aren’t that bright red. Still, doesn’t emanate a great artistic taste of the owner who probably spent a lot of money on it.

9. For gnome lovers, here’s one with a blowtorch.

I’m sure Garden gnome Sherman has endured enough strain from being viewed as a conventional tacky lawn ornament and is now proceeding to burn the garden down in a blaze of glory.

10. Of course, if you’re into torture porn here’s a lawn ornament with two guys squeezing a happy naked woman skinny.

Seriously, why put this in your lawn? Whoever sees this as an appropriate garden decoration ought to have his head examined. This isn’t funny but rather very disturbing indeed with human rights abuses on top of that. Also, is she bleeding?

11. Well, this seems cute. A boy helping a girl get a drink at a little fountain.

Well, at least I hope it is because there seems to be an inappropriate connotation here which is rather unsettling. I don’t want to be wring here but the boy seems to enjoy himself a little too much while helping a girl with a drink.

12. Of course, for rabbit lovers, here’s a cute little statue for your garden.

Actually if you have kids, don’t even think about getting this because it’s rather inappropriate. After all, remember the expression, “breeding like rabbits” mean. You probably could see plenty of this in your back yard so there’s no reason to get such statue.

13. For the person sick of having to clean up after the neighborhood pooches, here’s the perfect sign.

I’m sure a No Dumping! sign with a dog pooping is going to deter the neighborhood dogs from doing their business in your flower garden. Actually it’s not going to do a damn thing since dogs will go anywhere they damn well please. In fact, this sign may backfire as far as the animals are concerned.

14. If you’re British and want to show your love for Queen and country, here’s a couple of large stone heads of Her Majesty and Prince Consort.

Now nothing depicts Great Britain as a nation of gardening fanatics than having Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip being depicted as a couple of giant Chia heads created by people who probably have too much time on their hands. Seriously, this is just so over the top if you know what I mean yet the Queen does have a lot of nice flowers in her hair.

15. Nothing says a great birth announcement, than a lawn sign bringing the neighbors close to the scene.

Now I don’t know about you, but this is just a pretty tasteless sign. Perhaps it’s best to announce to the neighbors with conventional signs reading “It’s a boy!” or It’s a girl!” Guess this proud new dad seemed to have too much time on his hands.

16. What better gnome to have in your yard than one that glows in the dark.

Now this doesn’t seem to look like a glow in the dark gnome than it does, well, let’s say a glow in a dark something else. Let’s say that Sigmund Freud may have a field day with whoever designed this.

17. Nothing makes a great garden decoration than a bronze statue of Bigfoot

Of course, if your statue of Sasquatch proves a draw on Discovery Channel’s Finding Bigfoot, don’t be surprised. Of course, there’s probably enough evidence that Bigfoot probably doesn’t exist in the first place.

18. Of course, nothing brings the spirit of summer than a black statue eating watermelon.

Blackface depiction of black people is considered racist in the United States. And seeing them with watermelon just adds further insult to injury that would make the NAACP shriek in horror. Once again, sorry NAACP, but I can’t see how anyone not racist would want to buy this.

19. Of course, here’s a Mexican figure with his burro.

The fact this statue is placed near a metal linked fence is rather suggestive of another negative stereotype on Mexicans, especially in this day in age. Sometimes placement is everything.

20. For those who don’t know what to do with their old toilet, how about retrofit it into a new planter in your garden.

Excuse me, but we need to admit that toilets make aesthetically tacky planters for your garden. Seriously, even this owner knows this and even adds on to it.

21. Nothing brings in the baseball season like a Mexican guy with a baseball.

And how do I know he’s Mexican? Well, he has a sombrero and a bandanna around his neck. Then again, baseball is a popular sport among the Latino and Latin American community. However, the most negative stereotypical thing about this is that it makes the mistaken assumption is that all Hispanics in the US are Mexicans.

22. Here’s a gnome showing the world where the sun don’t shine.

Of course, this lawn ornament makes an addition to the long series of Gnomes behaving badly. Also, if I saw any guy with a white beard, there’s no way in hell I’d want to see what his backside looks like and gnomes are no exception.

23. Nothing makes a more idyllic lawn ornament than a free standing deer.

Now I have neighbors who have free standing deer like this but they aren’t really used for decoration. In fact, they’re used for target practice for hunting season. Also, if there are deer around during mating season, there’s a chance they may mistake this ornament for the real thing.

24. Now here’s a great garden statue that shows the spirit of togetherness.

Is it just me or does this statue seem to depict something very, very dirty? If so, then I suggest you don’t get this if you live in a neighborhood with children. Else their parents would get very angry with you.

25. Who could think that a stature with a head and legs could be this so adorable?

Actually I think this lawn sculpture is kind of terrifying, especially with the smirky smile on its face. Please, kill it! Kill it with fire for God’s sake!

26. For the art lovers, here is a statue of the Venus de Milo in funky colors.

I know the Ancient Greeks and Romans used to paint their statues but somehow this Venus de Milo rendition seems rather tacky to me. Perhaps I’m not familiar with her being painted like she’s fresh from some makeover gone bad at the beauty salon. That is, assuming the salon is accommodating to people with no arms and takes people who don’t have a shirt on.

27. If you want to keep those pesky kids off your lawn, here’s a giant metal dragon to scare them.

Yet, let it be known that this lawn statue isn’t going to help you get along with the neighbors or receive an invitation to the neighborhood cookout. In fact, this may make your neighbors afraid of you.

28. Of course, even gnomes sometimes have to relieve themselves.

Of course, gnomes don’t use toilets so it’s not unlike them to squat down, take their pants down, and answer the call of nature right on the spot.

29. Now sometimes there are gnomes who may resort to certain ways of deviance.

So we shouldn’t be upset when we see gnomes flashing their erect penises, trying to take down people with machine guns, and pole dancing.

30. Wow your neighbors with this handy little UFO display in front of your house.

Yet, understand that having such displays in your front lawn, may draw a lot of UFO conspiracy theorists in your neighborhood. And let me say, you may see them as weirdos.

31. Nothing enhances the quality of your lawn like a creature peeping from a manhole.

Actually that’s pretty creepy, especially for those who fix pipes underground. Also, kind of insulting to utility workers for some reason.

32. Oh, look a talking rock.

Now if I saw a rock with teeth like that, I would be more than slightly disturbed. This is a rather terrifying lawn ornament if you know what I mean.

33. Of course, who could forget the traditional lawn jockey?

When it comes to racist lawn ornaments, none comes in greater notoriety than the infamous lawn jockey ornament. Again, sorry NAACP, but in a post of utterly tacky lawn ornaments, there’s no way I couldn’t avoid posting this.

34. Of course, with a statue like this, you’ll always have a full moon.

Of course, I’m sure the neighbors would sure view you as an upstanding role model for displaying a statue showing utter disrespect. Note how my prose reflects utter sarcasm in reference to this.

35. Now introducing the one, the only, his majesty the King, Elvis frog.

Yes, you heard me, Elvis Frog. He’s the one who brought you hits like, “That’s All Ribbit,” “Heartbreak Swamp,” “Hound Fly,” “Bossa Nova Tadpole,” and “Jailswamp Rock.”

36. I don’t what I if you don’t decorate with some moai.

Of course, this may seem like a fun decoration at first. But take note that erecting the original Easter Island Statues would soon lead to all the island’s trees being cut down and mass starvation and decline of a Polynesian people. Kind of depressing isn’t it?

37. Of course, who wouldn’t want a garden ornament of a dog doing his business?

Hey, at least unlike the real thing, it doesn’t leave a special present behind so you don’t have to clean up after it. Kind of says a lot compared to having a real dog except that it would be incapable of showing any affection whatsoever.

38. Just a naked statue minding its own business.

Of course, why such a statue would want to frolick around while exposing itself, I don’t have the slightest idea. Also I don’t understand why people would want to put naked statues in their gardens in the first place. Then again, there may be a few I can’t name.

39. What better way to improve your lawn than to have it resemble a scene from a car accident.

Seriously, why would anyone think that having a lawn ornament like this would be a good idea? Seems more like someone would call 911 over a scene like this it weren’t for the lack of fire, smoke, and people in serious need for medical attention or reduced to dead mutilated corpses. Honestly, car accidents aren’t funny things at all.

40. No lawn ornament like this says that the family who gets boob jobs together stays together.

Seriously, what’s with these little girls having such big boobs? This is highly disturbing because normally little girls don’t have breasts. And if they do, there’s something seriously wrong with them.

41. What better way to have a bonfire than in a fire pit with forest decorations.

Of course, anyone with a fire pit like this isn’t going to make friends with Smokey the Bear, Bambi, or anyone living in an area notorious for wildfires. Seriously, forest fires aren’t nice things.

42. Nothing like a bath in dirt and chains.

Seriously, who thought that such design would make a good lawn ornament? I mean it’s something you’d more likely read about in 50 Shades of Grey than something you’d want to see in your garden.

43. Of course, to those who like to see attractive women mowing your lawn.

I guess she wasn’t hired for her mowing efficiency judging by her choice with using a push mower. Of course, if Hugh Hefner worked in Cub Cadet’s marketing department, such ads would look like this.

44. See the world burn with this globe outdoor fire pit.

Whoever designed this doesn’t seem to have a great outlook on life. I mean who wants to see our planet in a hell fire blaze. It’s disturbing.

45. No flamingo could shimmer in the sun like one decked in rhinestones.

Now flamingo lawn decorations are tacky enough but a rhinestone flamingo? Well, that takes tackiness to a whole new level.

46. Nothing graces a lawn better than a statue of a scantily clad woman draping with flowers.

Who in their right mind would erect such a tacky lawn ornament like this? I mean this will either distract onlooking drivers or neighbors, or lead to some questioning your taste in decorating decency. Some would just be disappointed she isn’t real.

47. Grace your lawn and garden with a one of a kind Lady Gaga statue.

Sure this statue may give neighbors an idea that you’re a big fan of hers. But, honestly, I don’t think Lady Gaga herself would have this in her own garden. Seriously, a Lady Gaga lawn ornament?

48. Of course, you can’t do without an outhouse.

Now using an outhouse as a lawn decoration isn’t going to make your lawn more aesthetically pleasing. Especially if it has a moon on the door.

49. What better way to show your patriotism than to have a lawn statue of a giant big cat with an American flag.

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the Pink Panther’s (from the cartoon not the movie) little known American cousin. Of course, you wouldn’t know him since he’s considered an embarrassment.

50. Nothing secures your lawn better than a tank lawn ornament.

Warning: despite supposed coolness and potential for frightening the neighbors, it doesn’t actually work. If it did, it would’ve been considered an illegal weapon.

51. What better lawn ornament to have than one with a woman’s feet sticking out of the ground.

I’m sure that no one is going to think that some serial killer is on the loose in your area with that in your yard. Yet, this doesn’t mean I’m exactly positive.

52. Shark! From the ground!

Now a shark in the ocean could scare the bejesus out of a crowd of people at the beach. Lawn sharks, well, no one is safe from them.

53. Behold, a lawn ornament of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Not recommended for those who got quesy during Jurassic Park or for any neighbors who may have had upset stomachs for viewing that movie.

Not recommended for those who got queasy during Jurassic Park or for any neighbors who may have had upset stomachs for viewing that movie.

54. Oh, my God, it’s a giant praying mantis!

Now let’s just say that any lawn ornament resembling a giant insect is going to scare people and a praying mantis is no exception. I mean while some people may be afraid of insects at their regular size, no one wants to run into a bug that’s as big as them.

55. Scare the gnomes away with a Super Mario Piranha Plant lawn ornament.

I’m sure the carrot is looking none too pleased at the moment. Yet, this should scare some bugs away for awhile anyway.

56. Behold, the flower pot man on his tricycle.

Seriously, this is kind of terrifying for gardeners if you know what I mean. I mean there’s no way a flower pot person is harmless in some capacity.

57. Of course, what tacky garden wouldn’t be without the cutouts of people bending over.

Can’t do a post on tacky lawn ornaments without leading such lawn decorations out. I mean why would anyone want these? I mean they seem to be in poor aesthetic taste and crude humor.

58. Bring in the spirit of Mother Goose with this Humpty Dumpty lawn decoration.

Due to the fact Humpty Dumpty makes a creepy lawn ornament, there’s a reason why many children wouldn’t feel bad about him taking his great fall in the nursery rhyme.

59. Grace your lawn with this zombie lawn ornament you’d find in any mail order catalog.

For a zombie garden sculpture, this looks astonishingly lifelike that it’s kind of creepy. In a kitcshy sort of way that is. Still, would make a great Halloween decoration to freak out the neighbors.

60. Unfortunately zombie gnomes aren’t so friendly to lawn flamingos.

Granted, since the gnomes seem to find this animal particularly delicious for some reason. Still, pretty funny if you know what I mean.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Tag Archives: art