The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 6 – The Vale of Arryn

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Surrounded by the Mountains of the Moon, the Vale of Arryn is isolated from the rest of Westeros and is only accessible during the warmer seasons. Anyway, the Vale is where the Andals landed and spread out during their invasion. Ruled by House Arryn, it is currently ruled by a sheltered and creepy child as of Season 7. Since his father was assassinated at the beginning of Game of Thrones while Littlefinger put his mother through the Moon Gate after she caught him making advances on Sansa. Under Lysa’s regency after Jon Arryn’s death, the Vale followed a strict neutrality policy during the War of the Five Kings until the last stages. After he killed her, Littlefinger pretty much ran the place until Sansa and Arya executed him at Winterfell.

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Location: South of the North but north of the Riverlands.

Size: It’s fairly large if you look on the Westeros map.

Capital: The Eyrie, located beyond a long and treacherous road at a high mountain top. Has no regular executioner since it kills wrongdoers with the Moon Gate and sports open air prison cells with holes in the floors.

Climate: It’s quite temperate most of the time. Though the winters can be quite harsh.

Environment: The Vale is dominated and mostly covered by the Mountains of the Moon and its offshoot chains.

Resources: Well, the valleys are known to support agriculture. Other than that, there’s not much else.

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Population: Home to many barbaric hill tribes between the mountain fortresses and fertile river valleys, a problem that the Lords of the Vale haven’t really done much to combat it since they all have a seeming blindness to anything going on in the region and a very distinct sense of pride and honor regarding their mountains.

Key Cities: The port city of Gulltown. Towns include Wickendon and Sisterton.

Culture: Noble bastards have the surname of Stone.

Religion: Worship the Faith of the Seven.

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Great House: The House of Arryn, currently headed by a Lord Robin who’s only a kid. But the Vale Lords hold intense pride for their homeland has blinded them to any flaws within them. Whenever danger comes knocking at their door, they’re more than content to simply hole up in their mountains and ride it out relatively unscathed. In fact, their geographical defenses have kept the Vale Lords isolated from matters of real concern like making peace or destroying the Hill Tribes, feeding an unjustified sense of superiority and security. Lord Jon Arryn was the exception, however, since he took part in Lord Robert’s Rebellion and served as his Hand of the King. Until he got assassinated.

Vassal Houses: House Baelish (extinct), House Royce, and House Waynwood.

History: Once known as the Kingdom of Mountain and Vale before the Targaryen conquest, the Andals first landed in the region and spread out from there during their Westeros invasion. Though as settlement patterns became established, the Reach became the major Andal population and cultural center. Nonetheless, combined with the Vale’s isolated mountainous terrain, noble families from the area are said to have the purest Andal bloodlines within Westeros.

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Current Status: Aligned as part of the Kingdom of the North until Jon Snow bent the knee to Daenerys.

Best Known for: Being nigh impregnable compared to most of the rest of the kingdoms and mostly neutral on Westeros affairs.

Home of: Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, Jon Arryn, Robin Arryn, Hugh of the Vale, Yohn Royce, Vardis Egen, and Mord.

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Landmarks: Other than the Bloody Gate, I’m not sure.

What to Avoid: It’s best not to hike up the mountains since they’re home to hostile hill tribes.

For Those Who Want to Visit: The only way inside is The Bloody Gate, so named because during the Age of Heroes, 12 different armies beat themselves bloody against it trying to get in, all without success. Not to mention, the Vale is only accessible during the warmer months. Yet, once inside, watch out for the resident hill tribes who are dangerous to passing travelers. But their lack of organization and advanced weaponry means they pose no threat to the rest of the 7 Kingdoms.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 5 – The Iron Islands

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Home of the maritime raiding Ironborn, the Iron Islands is among the smallest and least populous region of Westeros. Located off the continent’s west coast, these small, rocky, windswept islands don’t support a lot of resources. This explains why the Ironborn have resorted to raiding and pillaging as a way of life for much of their history until Aegon the Conqueror put a stop to it. Well, at least within Westeros. Nonetheless, they are exceptional sailors and would be a military force to be reckoned with if they had the numbers and discipline. But before the Targaryen Conquest, they once controlled the Riverlands under House Hoare for 3 generations, which they conquered from the Stormlands. And unlike most of Westeros, they worship the Drowned God.

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Location: A small collective of islands west of the Neck and northwest of the Riverlands.

Size: It’s the smallest of the 7 Kingdoms.

Capital: Castle Pyke on the island of Pyke.

Climate: Rain-lashed and cold with frequent storms.

Environment: The islands are small and rocky with poor soil and hardly any naturally resources.

Resources: Other than iron mines, there’s not much else. Hell, if there were a lot of natural resources, they wouldn’t be raiding.

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Population: Call themselves Ironborn. Despite their Golden Age being over, they still yearn for their pillaging ways. Have a reputation for being the most rebellious and troublesome people of Westeros. Still, it’s among the least populous regions of Westeros so there aren’t many of them.

Key Cities: Islands include Pyke, Great Wyk, Harlaw, Blacktyde, Orkmont, Old Wyk, Lonely Light, and Saltcliffe. Red Harbor is the region’s main port.

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Culture: Noble bastards take the surname Pyke. Take pride in the “iron price” as an echo for their pillaging ways the Targaryens forced them to give up. Or at least give up raiding around Westeros. Were also known to take captive slaves to work in their few agricultural fields since the Ironborn can’t afford draft animals. A youth isn’t considered a man until he kills his first enemy. Have open attitudes toward sexuality since they’re a maritime culture (though it might be more along the lines of “love the one you’re with.”) Also a very male-dominated society (though they may take exception to Yara).

Religion: Worship the Drowned God, which is in an eternal struggle with the Storm God and focuses on resurrection. Have a kind of baptism ceremony of initiation for infants and a similar ceremony to anoint kings. Priests are known as Drowned Men.

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Great House: House Greyjoy, who were appointed as rulers by the Ironborn under Aegon the Conqueror’s direction. As of Season 7, currently subject to a dynastic dispute between King Euron and Princess Yara.

Vassal Houses: House Botley, House Harlaw, and House Goodbrother.

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History: The Ironborn were once fierce pirates and plunderers who raided the mainland for gold, glory, and prisoners to work their fields and tend their docks. At one point, they were the most feared people of Westeros. Legend states that one of their ancient kings slew a sea dragon. Before the Targaryen Conquest, it was once known as the Kingdom of the Iron Isles, They once ruled the Riverlands, which entailed beating the shit out of the stormlords. They then successfully defeated and drove back the Andals, subsuming them into their society and not the other way around as in the rest of Westeros. Harren the Black once had his massive Harrenhal castle built as a monument to his subjugation of them. But Aegon the Conqueror landed and reduced the castle to smoking ruins thanks to dragons. He then pushed the Ironborn back to their islands and allowed them to appoint House Greyjoy as their new rulers. Though Balon Greyjoy tried to reverse this by rebellion but the Baratheons beat them into submission. While Ned Stark took in his son Theon as his ward and hostage. Balon also exiled his younger brother Euron who became the most feared pirate in Westeros, terrorizing the seas from Oldtown to Essos.

Current Status: As of Season 7, it’s in the middle of a dynastic dispute between King Euron and Princess Yara.

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Best Known for: The Ironborn are known to be fearsome warriors and are unparalleled in the seafaring arts. Individually, they can be the strongest warriors in Westeros. But they’re too individualistic to fight cohesively as a group. Also, cannot bear to admit defeat and insist on paying everything with the “iron price,” taking it by force or negotiating for what they need.

Home of: Theon Greyjoy, Yara Greyjoy, Euron Greyjoy, and Balon Greyjoy.

Landmarks: Not that I can name.

What to Avoid: Note there are frequent storms here and that the Ironborn are a hostile lot.

For Those Who Want to Visit: You might want to stay away from this place entirely.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 4 – The Stormlands

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Known for its destructive and erratic weather patterns, the Stormlands is home to the Baratheons who are descended from Aegon the Conqueror’s illegitimate half-brother Orlys Baratheon. Later, they overthrew the Targaryens and ruled Westeros for nearly two decades. Or at least Robert did. But once he dies, King Joffrey assumes the throne and kicks off a major succession crisis between him and his uncles Stannis and Renly who are at each others’ throats. Of course, as of Season 7, anyone with the name Baratheon is dead. While the only remaining person from that family tree is a bastard blacksmith son of King Robert named Gendry. A temperate rainforest, it’s also home to the old Targaryen palace of Summerhall. Not to mention, one of our favorite knights in shining armor Brienne of Tarth is also from this region.

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Location: On the southeast coast of Westeros but north of Dorne.

Size: Of moderate size.

Capital: Storm’s End, though not in its original structure. Since increment weather had repeatedly destroyed it under the Storm Kings. After the Storm King fell in battle during Targaryen Conquest, King Aegon the Conqueror gave it to his half-brother Orlys Baratheon.

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Climate: Warm and temperate but with lots of storms and significant rainfall.

Environment: It’s a rocky, storm ravaged land as well as a temperate rainforest. Is the most densely forested of the 7 Kingdoms since it has 2 major forests with the Kingswood bordering the Crownlands and the Rainwood. Has low mountains in the center and high mountains in the south. The Isle of Tarth is the only place in this region not ravaged by frequent storms.

Resources: Well, they have a potential for lumber since it’s one of the most forested places in the realm.

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Population: Supports a moderate population.

Key Cities: Includes several islands most notably, Estmont and Tarth.

Culture: Noble bastards take the surname Storm.

Religion: Under the Storm Kings, once worshipped the Storm God. After the Targaryen Conquest, adopted the Faith of the Seven.

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Great House: Formerly House Baratheon, which is extinct as of Season 7. Currently it’s in the midst of a succession crisis.

Vassal Houses: House Tarth, House Errol, House Estermont, House Wylde, House Swann, House Connington, House Caron, House Dondarrion, and House Morrigen.

History: Was originally the Storm Kingdom before the Targaryen conquest and once ruled the Riverlands before the Ironborn pushed them out. During the conquest, Aegon the Conqueror defeated the last Storm King and made his illegitimate half-brother Orlys Baratheon Lord Paramount, giving him the Stormlands, Storm’s End, and the last king’s daughter to rule.

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Current Status: Since all the legitimate Baratheons and their heirs are all dead, it’s in the midst of a succession crisis. The only Baratheon remaining is a blacksmith’s apprentice named Gendry who’s one of Robert’s bastards.

Best Known for: Savage and frequent storms from the Narrow Sea.

Home of: Brienne of Tarth, Robert Baratheon, Stannis Baratheon, and Renly Baratheon.

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Landmarks: Summerhall is a ruined castle built by the Targaryens as a summer palace and vacation home. Destroyed by fire killing Aegon V, his heir, and friend Ser Duncan the Tall. Said to be caused by an attempt to hatch dragon eggs.

What to Avoid: Well, the storms for one.

For Those Who Want to Visit: Tarth is known for its great beauty and isn’t as much affected by storms as the other Stormlands.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 3 – The Crownlands

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As the capital region of Westeros, the Crownlands is a prevalent setting in Game of Thrones, particularly if It’s King’s Landing. A place of palace intrigue, it is home to the Iron Throne that so many are willing to kill for. Yet, it also includes the Targaryen ancestral home of Dragonstone. Created by Aegon the Conqueror since it was where 3 of the major kingdoms met, the Crownlands are the newest region of Westeros since they were once part of the Riverlands. So it’s no surprise that both areas seem culturally similar. Anyway, for most of 3 centuries, the Targaryens ruled the area and Westeros until Robert’s Rebellion overthrew them. House Baratheon ruled the next two decades until King Robert died in a “boar hunting accident.” After that, King Joffery and King Tommen ruled but they’re basically Lannisters. But after Tommen committed suicide following the Destruction of the Great Sept of Baelor, Cersei Lannister assumed the throne as Westeros’ first reigning queen and House Lannister became the most powerful region in Westeros at last. But given that being on the Iron Throne will put you in the hot seat, it will only be a matter of time until Cersei falls in the upcoming Season 8.

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Location: Situated close to the Narrow Sea and above the Stormlands and stretching from Blackwater Bay.

Size: It’s about moderate size.

Capital: The Red Keep at King’s Landing, built by House Targaryen.

Climate: Mostly temperate.

Environment: Environment is similar to the Riverlands with plains and river valleys and consists of 3 main areas the mainland, the islands, and Dragonstone. Though Cracklaw Point is forested with hills and bogs.

Resources: Other than agriculture and tourism, there’s not much else.

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Population: This is rather densely populated given the importance of King’s Landing.

Key Cities: Of course, there’s King’s Landing which is the capital city of Westeros as well as its largest city. Actually it’s overpopulated. Notable townships include Duskendale and Rosby. While notable islands comprise of Dragonstone, Driftmark, and Claw Isle.

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Culture: Noble bastards take the surname Waters. Since it’s the newest region in Westeros, it doesn’t have much of a distinct cultural identity than this.

Religion: Worship the Faith of the Seven. Headquarters of the Faith Militant and the Great Sept of Baelor (well, formerly). High Septon is based here as well.

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Great House: House Lannister now that Cersei has declared herself Queen of Westeros in her own right. Before then, it was House Baratheon during the reign of King Robert. While before then, it was House Targaryen who united the Seven Kingdoms and ruled for centuries before Robert’s Rebellion.

Vassal Houses: House Stokeworth, House Ryker, and House Rosby.

History: Once contested territory between the Riverlands, the Iron Islands, the Reach, and the Stormlands. The Crownlands were created by Aegon the Conqueror through his conquest of Westeros. So this land section was set aside for his castle.

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Current Status: Basically run by the Lannisters since the death of King Robert Baratheon. Though Dragonstone is now a base for Daenerys Targaryen.

Best Known for: Considered the capital region of Westeros.

Home of: Qyburn, Varys, Gendry Waters, Joffey Baratheon, Myrcella Baratheon, Shireen Baratheon, Tommen Baratheon, and Davos Seaworth.

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Landmarks: The fortress castle of Dragonstone has been the Targaryens’ ancestral home in Westeros and was usually occupied by the heir to the Iron Throne. In King’s Landing there’s the Great Sept of Baelor (now destroyed), the Guildhall of the Alchemists with the pyromancers.

What to Avoid: Keep away from the Faith Militant at all costs, especially if they’re royal pawns. Also, stay out of Fleabottom. You might want to stay out of the Red Keep, too.

For Those Who Want to Visit: You might want to obey the law at all times. Since the King’s Landing legal system usually holds trials as a mere formality and often determines effective guilt before then. Also, though King’s Landing may have a pretty skyline, it’s a wretched hive underneath with rampant poverty. Anyway, feel free to watch a tournament or see a play. In addition, if you’re into that sort of thing, Littlefinger’s brothel looks kind of nice.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 2 – The Westerlands

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Second, we venture to the Westerlands, home of the Great House we love to hate, the Lannisters (though with the exception of Tyrion). Thanks to their hills being filled with mines of gold and other precious metals, they’re said to be the wealthiest family in Westeros while their bannermen are also said to have plenty of wealth. So they can amass a large army. But the mines eventually run dry that the Tyrells had to pay half the wedding bill and the family’s taking loans from the Iron Bank. Nonetheless, while we see a lot of the Lannisters on Game of Thrones, we don’t see much of the Westerlands. But while it’s small in size, it’s densely populated. As of Season 7, the Lannisters are the most powerful family in Westeros. But we must acknowledge that power is fleeting when you play the game of thrones as Tyrion managed to capture Casterly Rock for Daenerys.

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Location: West of the Riverlands. North of the Reach.

Size: One of the smaller regions of the 7 Kingdoms.

Capital: Casterly Rock, now captured by Tyrion Lannister with Daenerys’ Army of the Unsullied.

Climate: Somewhat temperate.

Environment: Surrounded by natural defenses like thick forests, low mountains and hills, and the sea at the region’s back. Home to wild mountain lions.

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Resources: Its mountains are home to mines of gold, silver, iron, and other precious metals that have made the Lannisters and their vassals immensely wealthy. Though as of Season 7, these mines have already run dry after the War of the Five Kings (or at least the ones owned by the Lannisters). Since they’ve had to secure a marriage alliance with the Tyrells who footed half the wedding bill and have taken tremendous loans at the Iron Bank of Bravos.

Population: Has one of the larger populations of Westeros.

Key Cities: The port town of Lannisport is the Westerlands’ largest city and main source of trade. A notable village is Oxcross.

Culture: Noble bastards take the surname of Hill.

Religion: Worship the Faith of the Seven.

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Great House: House Lannister, considered the richest family in Westeros (though the real richest family on the continent is most likely the Tyrells. Nonetheless, the Lannisters are definitely the most powerful by a longshot). Yet, after the War of the Five Kings, their mines have run dry. Since they’ve had to take tremendous loans from the Iron Bank of Bravos while they secured a marriage alliance for House Tyrell who footed half of the royal wedding bill. While the death of Tywin has put the family in a delicate position while Tyrion’s exile has left no suitable heir for Lord Paramount and Warden of the West. Also has a reputation for incest.

Vassal Houses: House Clegane, House Payne, House Lefford, House Reyne (extinct), House Mabrand, House Westerling, House Lefford, House Crakehall, House Swyft, House Sarsfield, House Serrett, and House Tarbeck (extinct).

History: Legend states that Lannister patriarch, Lann the Clever successfully swindled House Casterly out of their castle of Casterly Rock. Was known as the Kingdom of the Rock before the Targaryen Conquest.

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Current Status: For the first time in history, Casterly Rock has fallen to a foe. Utilizing a secret passageway constructed by Tyrion Lannister, Daenerys’ Unsullied armies infiltrated and captured the castle. Whil the Lannisters have deliberately left Casterly Rock underdefended so they can focus more on capturing Highgarden, which they did. But Daenerys’ forces smashed the Lannisters in the Battle of Goldroad so they’re in charge of the capital. But the Lannisters still rule the rest of the place.

Best Known for: Said to be the richest of the Seven Kingdoms. Also has the best equipped army in the realm with heavily-armored soldiers and cavalry.

Home of: Tyrion Lannister, Podrick Payne, Gregor Clegane, Cersei Lannister, Tywin Lannister, Jamie Lannister, The Hound, and Bronn.

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Landmarks: The ruins of Castamere which was owned by House Reyne. Until Tywin Lannister suppressed a rebellion and destroyed the castle. Another is the ruins of Tarbeck Hall raised when they joined the Reynes.

What to Avoid: When you hear “The Reynes of Castamere” head for the hills since it means the Lannisters will send their regards. Also, don’t piss off the Lannisters. Not to mention, you might want to beware of lions in the mountains.

For Those Who Want to Visit: Know that the saying “A Lannister always pays his debts,” can also be about seeking revenge. So be nice to them (though that may not mean they’ll be nice to you). Can be accessed through the Riverlands from the Golden Tooth. Possesses a number of navigable rivers as well.

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The Geography of Game of Thrones: Part 1 – The North

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Based on George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series, the long-running HBO series Game of Thrones is filmed in many exotic locations, mostly in Europe and the Middle East. Since the continents of Westeros and Essos are home to various kinds of people with their own customs on lands of various terrain. While Essos seems to have more variety, Westeros is home to the Seven Kingdoms. So here I give you a guide on all the places in the characters’ known world. This information is taken from the hit HBO show as of Season 7 so there will be plenty of differences from A Song of Ice and Fire books which I never read. Then again, George R. R. Martin still has a couple of books to write so I don’t think I’m missing much. The first several posts will concern the 7 Kingdoms of Westeros while the others will focus on the places in Essos.

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First, we go to the North, home to our favorite Great House in Westeros, the Starks at Winterfell. Of course, during the series, this family goes through hell with Ned’s beheading, the Red Wedding, and the Bolton takeover. But after the Battle of the Bastards, the Starks have re-taken the North with Jon Snow as its king. Bordered by a swamp called the Neck, it’s a rather hostile place of forest, ice, and snow. As the only region to resist the Andal invaders, the Northmen the Old Golds of the Forest of the First Men. But they still remember the Long Night and the White Walkers. And they know when winter comes, the White Walkers may pass the wall and wreak havoc onto humanity.

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Location: Stretches from the Sunset Sea to the Shivering Sea as wells from the Wall to the bogs of the Neck.

Size: The North is the largest region in Westeros by area, big enough to house the other six kingdoms in Westeros.

Capital: Winterfell, which is situated atop hot springs and has existed for millennia. While winding tombs below the castle contain Stark king and lord remains as well as record the ancient family’s history.

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Climate: It’s the coldest region in Westeros since some areas experience snow during the summer, especially close to the Wall. While snowfall increases as your move further along the Kingsroad. And this is in any a fantasy world where the seasons can last for years. When it’s winter, it’s especially harsh. Yet, the southern areas enjoy comparatively mild temperatures.

Environment: The nothernmost areas in the region could consist of subarctic tundra as well as the Wolfswood forest (the largest in Westeros) along with rivers and plains. The Neck is a swamp which serves as a natural barrier to the North proper. Only House Reed and the area’s crannogmen can properly navigate through its treacherous landscape and fierce creatures. While many have died trying to find their way through it unaided.

Resources: Aside from agriculture in the Neck, there’s not many resources here.

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Population: Due to the forbidding climate and environment, the North isn’t known for having a dense population. In fact, it’s one of the most sparse. People usually have dark hair and white skin akin to the First Men. Neck inhabitants are called crannogmen while Wildlings inhabit the northernmost areas.

Key Cities: The port town of White Harbor is the North’s primary source of trade and the only place that can be considered a city there. Barrowton is another notable town.

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Culture: Place a high value on honor while believing in White Walkers and the Long Night as undeniable truth. Noble bastard children have the name Snow. Are particularly zealous about cultivating and preserving their resources since surviving winter is often a life-or-death struggle. Have fewer wars amongst themselves since cooperation is essential for survival. Practice strict observance of guest right and the laws of hospitality. Don’t hold tournaments (though participate in those in the southern areas) and have little regard for southern political intrigues.

Religion: Worship the Old Gods that the First Men adopted from the Children of the Forest and pray underneath the weirwood trees dotting the land. Because the Andals found little foothold in the North, its warriors aren’t regularly designated as “knights” since “knighthood” is a code of values associated with the Faith of the Seven.

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Great House: House Stark (though there was a stint when the Boltons ruled between the Red Wedding and the Battle of the Bastards) Ruled by Warden of the North Jon Snow and Lady Sansa Stark. The Starks have also been the dominant family in the North for thousands of years. Believe that he who passes sentence should swing the sword.

Vassal Houses: House Bolton (extinct), House Karstark, House Reed, House Mormont, House Umber, House Glover, House Cerwyn, House Hornwood, House Tallhart, House Manderly, House Dustin, House Flint, House Forester, House Dormund, House Whitehill, House Ryswell, and House Glenmore.

History: According to legend, the Kingdom of the North was established by House Stark’s founder Bran the Builder who built the Wall as a shield against the possible return of the White Walkers. Stark rulers were known as Kings of the North before King Torren submitted to Aegon the Conqueror who made him Lord Paramount of the region. Though Torren got criticized for this, bending the knee is the main reason why House Stark managed to survive for this long. Since nobody stood a chance against dragons.

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Current Status: Has recognized Daenerys as its sovereign while still ruled by House Stark. Still, though Jon Snow may no longer be King of the North, he has a strong claim to the Iron Throne as a Targaryen. In addition, he and Daenerys will most definitely get married and have a child in Season 8.

Best Known for: Hardened warriors and honorable leaders. Also, for being the only region of the Seven Kingdoms that holds the traditions of the First Men.

Home of: Jon Snow, Meera Reed, Jorah Mormont, Ramsay Bolton, Ned Stark, Osha, Bran Stark, Robb Stark, Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Rickon Stark, Jojen Reed, Benjen Stark, Lyanna Mormont, Jeor Mormont, Old Nan, Osha, and Hodor.

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Landmarks: Well, there are weirwood trees. Then there’s the ruined castle of Moat Cailin in the Neck, which was built by the First Men but has been unoccupied for centuries.

What to Avoid: Stay away from the Boltons since they have an infamous reputation for torture on all occasions (though they’re extinct so you need not worry even at the Dreadfort). Also, watch out for White Walkers.

For Those Who Want to Visit: Take warnings of winter and White Walkers very seriously. Make sure take a fur coat along. Also, be nice to the Wildlings. Further you stay away from the wall, the better.

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The Wonderful World of the Teddy Bear (Fourth Edition)

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Of course, I couldn’t do Valentine’s Day without including the iconic Teddy Bear. For decades this cuddly toy has been adored by children and adults alike. And you’d often find this little guy as a popular V-Day gift from sweethearts around the world. Since they have movable arms, you often see them dressed in all kinds of little costumes. Since they’re so irresistibly cute, you’d often find them dressed for all kinds of occasions and holiday. But once in awhile, you’ll see a teddy bear dressed as a pop culture icon or culture figure. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of adorable teddy bears. Enjoy.

  1. “One of you will beartray me..”
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DaVinci’s The Last Supper with bears. From the Jeju Island teddy bear museum.

2. Mama bear needs a new pair of shoes.

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This bear is supposed to frequent a casino. And it seems she’s got all hearts.

3. All bears on deck.

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This is from a teddy bear museum, possibly in the UK. Nonetheless, the wooden ship is amazing.

4. Erin has always been an Irish darling.

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She’s supposed to resemble an Irish river dancer for Saint Patrick’s Day. Love the shamrock head garland.

5. Seems like our bear archaeologists found something incredible.

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These bears have came to the tomb of Emperor Qin Shi Huangdi. Here they marvel over remains of some terra cotta soldiers.

6. Here they stand on the ruins of war.

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These are teddy bear soldiers near ruins in France during WWII. And yes, some hang out in a jeep.

7. The band played on….

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This is a teddy bear rendition of the sinking of the Titanic. Cue to the polar bears on the iceberg.

8. A flower dress is perfect for any spring occasion.

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She even has a lace handkerchief in her paws. Love her flowery hat.

9. Coco always has to be a fashionista.

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She wears a kimono to go with her red handbag and sunglasses. While her bag is from Big Brown Bear.

10. Perhaps you’ll appreciate this birthday bear.

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This one has a bikini clad bear coming out of the cake. Kind of amusing and adorable.

11. Bet you’ve never seen a bear in his boxer briefs.

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His waist band says it all. And he looks so adorable in that pose.

12. Graduation is always quite an accomplishment.

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This graduate is in white for the Class of 2015. So its job prospect might not be great.

13. On Halloween night the pumpkin fairy appears.

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It has orange wings and a jack-o’-lantern magic wand. Doesn’t look spooky. But is quite adorable.

14. Mary can always spare a put or two.

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She’s supposed to be a female golfer. Here she wears a skirt with her diamond polo.

15. David always knows how to make a goal.

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Since he’s got claws, he needs no cleats. But let’s hope they don’t rupture the ball.

16. Ryan will just shoot some hoops.

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He also knows how to dribble. So you might not want to play a round of one-on-one with him.

17. Brittany knows how to look chic in pink.

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She even wears a camo denim outfit and a pink leather jacket. So cute.

18. Anyone miss Bearack Obearma yet?

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Indeed, I sure do miss him and his presidency. Still, he comes with Obearma Care.

19. This your Captain Clawly Clawenberger speaking.

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This teddy bear’s supposed to be an airplane pilot. Will fly you to the moon and warm your heart.

20. Watch out for this grizzly pirate.

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He’s even got an eyepatch. But back away when he uses his sword.

21. Nancy Bear is on her way to the spa.

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She’s in her pink robe with a towel around her head. So she’s good to go.

22. Barry is all ready for the big game.

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He’s already got his shoulder pads on. Not sure why he’s not wearing a helmet.

23. Christmas is the time to shine in a Santa dress.

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She’s even wearing a Santa hat. So pretty and festive.

24. A bear should always look chic on the town.

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she wears a dress with an iconic Vuitton print. Or is it Gucci? Who cares?

25. Ethan is Army strong.

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He’s wearing a desert camo uniform. Wonder if he’s served in Afghanistan.

26. Father Christmas is the bearer of great tidings.

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He’s the British equivalent to Santa Claus. But check out that cane and kick ass cape.

27. A distinguished Pilgrim always has a goatee.

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He’s a Thanksgiving bear. Wait until he takes the land away from the Indians.

28. A Christmas angel wishes peace on earth.

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She even has red bird in an intricate design. Love her blue dress.

29. When there’s snow, bring snow shoes.

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He’s even all bundled up. Despite that bears usually sleep in during the winter.

30. Tape measure can also double as ribbon.

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Though she also uses it to measure sizes. Still, so adorable.

31. This Steiff bear makes his own in his workshop.

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Didn’t know he could have his own toy workshop. Includes a sewing machine and wood stove.

32. This alien teddy bear is out of this world.

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IT’s red with a little space helmet. It’s also a limited edition Steiff from Japan.

33. A colorful harlequin also needs to know how to juggle.

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He’s in red and white. while he wears a cone hat of green and blue.

34. Charlotte always loves to dress in a scary costume for Halloween.

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She wears a black bat mask and a black tutu. She’s even got a spider near the skirt.

35. A red dress and tiara makes a bear queen of the ball.

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She’s even got a bouquet of roses. So pretty that she stuns.

36. This teddy will be strong for you.

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The barbells even have hearts. While he wears a medal for cuteness.

37. A country singer should always have her own guitar.

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Trixie’s guitar matches her boots. While she dons a black dress and hat.

38. Say hello to Santa’s newest little helper.

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Yes, he’s a Santa elf. Though he doesn’t sport pointy ears.

39. Lindsay always enjoys roasting marshmallows.

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She’s dressed for the colder weather, too. Like the scarf and bow.

40. Guess it’s someone’s sleepy time.

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He wears his own romper and bear slippers. Though he carries a rather mischievous expression.

41. Even among teddy bears, K-Pop is all the rage.

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Well, it’s from Seoul’s teddy bear museum, what do you expect? Guess it’s “Oppa Gangnam Style.”

42. The city is always a bustling place.

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This is from a teddy bear museum in Jeju. Yet, all the bears are in street clothes. One’s even checking her smartphone in the street.

43. Anyone in the mood for smores?

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He has the graham crackers and chocolate. He wears an orange vest to be seen when going to the bathroom.

44. Ladies and gentlemen, the king.

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Here’s bear Elvis in his white jumpsuit and red guitar. Yet, he won’t look so great in his Vegas years.

45. “Me, Pawzan. You, Jane.”

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Here he swings with his jungle bear in harms. While the apes look on.

46. “Now let this be a fair fight.”

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This can get ugly. But at least they’ll be stuffing leaking out by the end instead of blood.

47. Nobody surpasses this iconic bearsketball player.

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This is supposed to be Michael Jordan during the 1990s by the way. He was the Lebron James of his day.

48. It’s always ice and snow in the polar regions.

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Sure, polar bears and penguins don’t go together. But it’s a cute display nonetheless.

49. Must be hard to entertain 7 little bears.

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This a display of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Here she reads them a bedtime story in the woods.

50. Looks like we have the experts at work.

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I think they’re supposed to be archaeologists. Since I saw a few bones and things.

51. Apparently, teddy bears have their own Jurassic Park.

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And we come to some bears about to be eaten by a T-Rex. Don’t have much hope for them.

52. This bear has been through so many tissues.

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This is a get well bear. Nonetheless, you have to love the pajamas.

53. Japanese bears dress in lavish kimonos.

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Wonder if they’re supposed to be a bride and groom or an emperor and empress. Still, they’re adorable.

54. Nobody should miss the Winter Olympics.

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I guess they’re watching some of the events. Includes snowboarding and cross country skiing.

55. Don’t think you can scratch this 7-year itch.

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This is a teddy bear of Marilyn Monroe from The 7th Year Itch. Here her dress goes up from the air vents.

56. Bears always love their bread.

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Here we come to teddy bears baking bread. The bears here also wear chef hats.

57. Everyone seems to love a royal wedding.

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This one is of Prince Charles and Princess Diana. Let’s just say despite the fairy tale atmosphere, the marriage didn’t last.

58. These bears pay tribute to a Buddhist shrine.

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Well, this is from a museum in South Korea. Got to love how the bears bow down to the Buddha.

59. Hera always looks like a queen.

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She’s supposed to be the Greek goddess Hera, queen of Mount Olympus. Given that her husband can’t keep it in his pants, she’s got a very vicious streak.

60. Dionysus always knows how to party.

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He’s the Greek god of wine and revelry. Still, his parties can get pretty wild.

61. These bears play on the beach.

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A mother and daughter build a sandcastle. While a guy goes out surfing.

62. These bears have fallen on hard times.

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This is a rendition of a famous painting. Indeed, they’re poor farmers. But it’s kind of cute.

63. Here the king consults with his advisers.

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You can tell they’re his advisers due to their tall hats. From South Korea.

64. Seems like a leopard snuck in.

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Okay, it’s a teddy bear in a leopard onesy. And it looks adorable in it.

65. This bear lady is rather enterprising.

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She’s smartly dressed in a navy blue business suit. Like her scarf.

66. Seems like Gulliver is all tied up.

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Here’s a teddy bear rendition of Gulliver’s Travels. Includes one giant bear and a bunch of little ones.

67. On Mount Olympus, Zeus is king.

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Yes, that’s Mr. Sex Fiend with the Lightning Bolts himself. As he sits on his golden throne.

68. Beware of the ferocious Minotaur.

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He’s supposed to be half-bear and half bull. And he’ll tear people to shreds with his cuteness.

69. This bear means business.

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Yes, that teddy bear’s got a knife. So it’s best you stay away.

70. A small red dress can always stun.

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This bear wears a sweet little red dress with a bow. Like her jewelry, too.

71. You’d think this was a rainbow bear.

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This bear has bright colors all over it. So adorable and colorful.

72. This bear knows how to keep warm.

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This is the female version of the Vermont bear. Comes with dog and blond hair.

73. Perhaps you’d want some candy from Lucy.

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This is a Lucille Ball teddy bear. Please don’t employ her in any candy factory.

74. When you’re blue, make way for the cheerleading bear.

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Comes with pom poms, flag, and megaphone. Like her bows. So adorable.

75. This teddy comes to support Team USA in the Olympics.

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This was for the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio. Nonetheless, he seems like quite the avid patriot.

76. This bear dresses in conversation hearts.

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Well, it wears that sweater. Though they’re not making these chalk hearts this year.

77. Someone looks spiffy in a sailor outfit.

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Well, this is for a little kid. Nonetheless, it’s a colorful get up with a pom pom hat. So cute.

78. This bear’s reading for 2.

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Since she’s pregnant. As you can tell by her maternity dress.

79. Wonder if this is for a Korean wedding.

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I guess it is, given the groom’s outfit. The bride wears a white dress.

80. No one can resist a bear on a rocking horse.

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Indeed, the bear rocks a horse by the fire. So hard to resist. Awww.

Fall in Love with These Valentine’s Day Craft Projects (Fourth Edition)

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Moving on, we go onto Valentine’s Day crafts. Though many people usually don’t deck their home with V-Day decorations, you’ll find plenty of them at any store you go to. So someone must be buying them. However, while some might buy V-Day decorations, some tend to make their own. Of course, given that Valentine’s Day pertains to love, plenty of these décor tend to have hearts along with red and pink. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of Valentine’s Day craft projects to love. Enjoy.

  1. For those rustic types, a burlap wreath will suit your fancy.
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Has 3 red flowers and the word “Love” in red. Perfect for any front door.

2. You might want this dispenser for hugs and kisses.

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It’s made from glass bowl and flower pot. Contains hearts in the bottom.

3. Feel free to hang a wreath of ribbons to your door.

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It’s made from decomesh with heart ribbons all over it. While a red heart is smack in the middle.

4. Perhaps you’d like a curtain of hearts.

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Just consists of string and paper hearts. Quite easy a child could make it.

5. A wooden heart will show you love is kind.

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Just as you see it says, “Love is Kind.” Also has a rag garland across it.

6. Your house will always stand out in a tulle wreath.

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Has some white flowers near the top. While a pink ribbon holds it up.

7. A red heart should always sparkle.

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Has some black branches along with red and silver ribbons. Will look well on any front door.

8. Grace your table on this heart doily.

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It’s a pink crocheted heart with a flower on top. Seems big enough to use as a coaster.

9. A pink heart has to glitter on a wreath.

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It’s a decomesh wreath with 3 pink flowers. Perfect for V-Day. So pretty.

10. You can make a pretty heart in rags.

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This rag wreath uses strips of red, white, and pink. It’s hung by a pink and red ribbon in a bow.

11. A heart wreath should always be filled with red roses.

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The roses are most likely made out of paper or silk. But it’s nonetheless beautiful.

12. Who wouldn’t love these 2 bunnies?

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These rabbits wear crowns and hold hearts. So adorable.

13. A glittering red heart should be emphasized in black.

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This decomesh wreath has a heart in the center with red and black ribbons. It’s a kind of wreath any guest would love.

14. Curl up on your couch with this heart pillow.

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Well, it’s white with a large pink heart. And it’s made from cloth strips sewn together.

15. No sweetheart can refuse a wreath like this.

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It’s a tulle wreath with the words “Be Mine” on it. Has hearts and a pink rose on the right side.

16. With this envelope, you can receive Valentines at the door.

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This is made out of felt as far as I see. Though I’m sure it’ll be used as a school project at some point.

17. A pink wreath covered with roses is just as nice.

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The roses are all made out of tissue paper. While a pink ribbon graces the top.

18. A Valentine’s wreath should be infested with flowers.

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Well, the flowers are similar to what you’d find in a cemetery (fake). Though it has a couple of hearts.

19. Show your love with this heart box.

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Well, it has a photo of some couple. Decorations consist of jewels and a Cupid face.

20. Perhaps you’d like a wreath of roses.

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It consists of red and pink flowers which are surely fake. But it’s rather pretty nonetheless.

21. There’s nothing you can’t love about V-Day blocks.

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Has sayings like “Be Mine,” “Love,” and “Kiss Me.” In red, pink, and white.

22. For those with rustic tastes, you might like this heart wreath.

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Well, those white flowers can be quite small. Also is hung with a brown burlap bow.

23. This heart is a real patchwork.

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Wonder if it’s a pot holder or a coaster. Though it’s trimmed in red.

24. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day like a love box.

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Even has a wedding picture. Includes hearts on each side.

25. You’ll receive lots of Valentines in this mailbox.

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It’s covered with hearts on the side. Love the flag on this, too.

26. A simple yarn wreath is always fitting.

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This one has some purple and red roses on the bottom. While the wreath’s covered in white yarn.

27. A V-Day wreath should have a lot of hearts.

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Particularly if they’re pink and red on a decomesh one. Touched with a red bow.

28. Perhaps you’d like a heart wreath with a lot of tiny roses.

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I know they’re fake. Still, the tiny roses are nonetheless beautiful.

29. Feel free to receive Valentines from this pillow.

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Well, at least the felt red heart. So curl up if you can.

30. Don’t forget to put some hearts on sticks.

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The hearts are made out of glittered paper. There’s also a pink “XoXo” near the pitcher.

31. With some baubles, your Valentine’s Day can certainly shine.

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Includes a heart garland with a heart and key. Though the baubles seem to add a rather winter or Christmasy touch.

32. A pink yarn wreath can be especially festive.

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This one has some hearts along with red, white, and pink flowers. Perfect for any V-Day door.

33. You can never have too many hearts on a heart wreath.

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This is a decomesh with a heart design in the center. And yes, it’s made from foam hearts.

34. Don’t like wreaths? Try this V-Day hanging.

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The bow is quite elaborate. Has a heart dangling from the center.

35. Have a romantic dinner with a candle holder with hearts.

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These have hearts along the top. While the bottom contains rose petals.

36. You can always say it with flowers.

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Or a wreath made out of flowers. Wonder if these are orchids or at least the red ones.

37. Keep warm this Valentine’s Day with a quilt of patchwork hearts.

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Each heart is unique in its own way. Perfect for keeping warm on a cold February day.

38. Perhaps your sweetheart would enjoy pink carnations.

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Contains pink beans in the vase. So you can tell the flowers are fake. Makes a great centerpiece.

39. This pinecone wreath will tug at your heart strings.

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Don’t forget to spray paint them in red. Includes pink leaves and other trimmings.

40. Show someone you love them with this glittery heart box.

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I’m sure you’ll need plenty of glitter paint for this. But it’s quite lovely.

41. Might want to sew some hearts on some hoops.

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Well, these are embroidery hoops. One has roses. The other has buttons.

42. You can always send a message with a glittery notebook.

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It says “Love” on the cover. So let your sweetheart write some message of love. Or not.

43. A pink wreath can use a few flowers.

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This heart wreath is covered with pink ribbon. Love the flowers.

44. You’ll always have a heart with these rustic candle holders.

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One of them has a heart inside. Perfect for any cabin.

45. You can always show love with paper roses.

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Each of them are different sizes and colors. And they’re against a tan background.

46. Count down to Valentine’s Day with this pillow.

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Each heart pocket has a candy inside. And you can put it on your couch.

47. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day like a feathered heart wreath.

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Well, it’s mainly made from white feathers. As hearts across it.

48. You can’t leave conversation hearts out of a V-Day bouquet.

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Though you’ll have to start since they’re no longer selling them. Still, the flowers are pretty.

49. Two barbed wire hearts are better than one.

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Yet, remember barbed wire isn’t something kids should work with. Nonetheless, like the white bows.

50. Sometimes a V-Day throw pillow is all you need.

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This one is white with a red heart. Perfect to have on the couch.

51. Grace your V-Day table with some pink and red tulips.

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The vase contains V-Day M&M’s. While the tulips are most likely fake since they don’t bloom until springtime.

52. Grace a red berry heart wreath on your V-Day door.

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Kind of gives a rather naturalistic look to it. The boughs even have leaves, too.

53. Slip into a pair of conversation heart leggings.

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People seem attached to these chalk hearts for some reason. Still, it confounds me since they don’t have much taste to them.

54. A decomesh heart wreath will always stun visitors.

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This heart shaped wreath must be made out of wire or grapevine. Includes pink hearts and springs.

55. Say something special with these V-Day pencils.

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Mostly consists of pencils with pipe cleaner shapes. Very simple for kids to make.

56. A blue wood heart should include 2 roses.

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Well, the wood and roses are fake. But it’s nonetheless stunning to see.

57. On V-Day, love is all you need.

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Well, it’s a berry wreath with the Beatles lyric in a red frame. Like the black and white flowers.

58. May a dove carry the key to your heart.

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Actually this is a cloth heart depicting a dove. Has lace in the background.

59. Hearts can come in any size.

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These glitter hearts sit on a shelf. Love the purple one the best though.

60. This Valentine’s Day curl up with a heart pillow.

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These pillows aren’t in the traditional colors. but you have to love the flowers. So pretty.

61. Perhaps these letters will spell it out for you.

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The letters in the frames all spell love. While each frame is fancy and is sprayed painted with a different color.

62. Feel free to put anything in this V-Day sack.

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This is crocheted. While the sack is small. Still, got to have a heart.

63. Keep yourself cozy with this Valentine’s Day pillow.

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This one has a crocheted heart. Perfect for a couch or bed.

64. Care to light up this heart?

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This is supposed to be a photo booth prop. Though it can double as a wreath as well. Wonder if it actually lights up. Probably not.

65. A V-Day snow globe should always have a heart.

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This one mostly consists of a jar, snow stuff, and hearts. Seems rather simple to make.

66. This wooden heart can brighten anyone’s Valentine’s Day.

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Has white and red stripes. Love the flowers though.

67. On Valentine’s Day, spell it out on the ladder.

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Spells “Love” with a letter at each rung. While each rung features a vase of flowers.

68. Light up your home with this heart lamp.

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Contains a candle under the heart arch. Also includes berry branches in red and white.

69. Show your valentine love with a tulip wreath.

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The tulips are fake for obvious reasons. Hung by a large white bow.

70. Sometimes it helps to have the heart on the inside.

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You’d think it was a wreath within a wreath. And you’d be right.

71. Someone must’ve shot through this large pink heart of flowers.

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The flowers are in 3 shades of pink, by the way. Great for hanging in the window for all to see.

72. There’s always another way to make hearts go around.

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These are from a card suite. Each one has strips of cloth next to it.

73. Celebrate Valentine’s Day by showing your love in lights.

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This one has a red heart. And yes, these light up like you wouldn’t believe.

74. Grow your plants in these V-Day pots.

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Sure, they don’t contain any flowers. But you have to love the puns.

75. Love is always best expressed with flowers.

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This one has matching pink roses around the “O” in “love.” So pretty.

76. Yarn hearts go well on a yarn wreath.

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Well, the hearts have yarn wrapped around them. One even has an arrow through it.

77. Give your little love bug a pair of V-Day booties.

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They’re crocheted with hearts on top. So cute.

78. Adorn this fancy heart brooch this Valentine’s Day.

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This one has golden crocheted lace. Love the pearls on it though.

79. For a more tame wreath, try red burlap.

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This one has hearts on the ribbon near the bottom. Love the zigzag bow on top.

80. In this frame, you’ll find plenty of hanging hearts.

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This one has plenty of plastic hearts and beads hanging. And yes, the frame is quite fancy.

81. Perhaps you might want to try a button wreath.

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The buttons are all pink and of all sizes. While it’s hung by a chain.

82. You’ll find hearts all over this V-Day wreath.

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Some are glittering. While some have polka dots. There are even a few love bugs, too.

83. It takes many pink hearts to make a wreath.

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This one is made from wood matching the ladder, or so it seems. While it’s topped with a pale pink bow.

84. You can fit plenty of hearts inside goblet.

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Well, doesn’t seem what I had in mind but, okay. Still, not sure how many glittering hearts you can fit inside them.

85. Anyone would want a Valentine’s Day heart wreath with ribbons.

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The ribbons have all kinds of patterns as well. But the striped bow on top stands out.

86. Got an old window? Make a mirror out of it.

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This one has a couple of hearts in the middle. So lovely, isn’t it?

87. There are plenty of hugs and kisses on this pillow.

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The pillow has XO’s on it. While the fringe is quite interesting.

88. This wreath will certainly start a conversation.

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These consist of conversation hearts. Or conversation hearts made from wood and painted.

89. Keep your wine in these bags of hearts.

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These have pink hearts stitched on them. Perfect for a romantic evening.

90. Sometimes it’s sweet to start simple.

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This is a simple hoop wreath. Includes flowers and tree slices saying X or O.

91. Perhaps you’d prefer a red sweater wreath.

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This is a red felt wreath with flowers. Like the pearl centers, too.

92. These conversation heart rings have plenty to say.

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You can have them say anything you want. Yet, you can’t buy the real candies though.

93. This Valentine’s Day, let your love grow.

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This one spells “LOVE” with each letter in a flower pot. Also has hearts rising from them, too.

94. Curl up on the couch with one of these heart pillows.

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Available in red, pink, and white. The white one is especially shiny.

95. Nothing’s sweeter than a heart of roses.

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This one is made within a picture frame. Like the intricate design.

96. You can’t have a heart wreath without roses.

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This one only has roses on one side. Yet, the bouquet is tied with a burlap bow.

97. A red felt heart can always be fancy.

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This one has pearls laced in them. While it’s held up by a white ribbon and a rose.

98. A yarn wreath can always be framed.

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Helps if it’s against some sheet music. Wonder what the song is.

99. Welcome your guests with a heart wreath that shimmers and shines.

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This one is covered in jewelry, buttons, and pearls. Love the golden bow. So lovely.

100. Perhaps this purple jeweled wreath will suit your fancy.

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Now that’s more like it. Love the beautiful jewelry on it. Wouldn’t mind having this.

Be Mine With These Valentine’s Day Treats (Fifth Edition)

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Of course, since Valentine’s Day pertains to love and romance, food must make an entrance somehow. Whether it’s a romantic dinner like the one above or a dessert platter with hearts, you’ll find plenty of hearty delights to suit your fancy. Though I have to disappoint that the maker of those sweethearts has gone out of business. However, I don’t really think it’s a big loss since they’re heart-shaped chalk pieces with added sugar. Nonetheless, there’s always the box of chocolates. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of treats for Valentine’s Day. Enjoy.

  1. Try some of these sweet pink Marcarons.
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All of these have sweet red hearts on them. The wrappers are optional.

2. Your dog would enjoy these heart flowers.

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Yes, they’re dog treats for Valentine’s Day. I know how much people love their pets. Though sometimes I think their affinity may go overboard.

3. Anyone could love these heart cookie sandwiches.

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Each of these have heart sprinkles in the filling. And yes, you cut the cookies from the roll if you want hearts on them.

4. You’ll find a heart in this tart.

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Well, the heart is a tart, too. Also has heart crusts apart from it as well.

5. Care for a hearty cinnamon twist?

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Even comes with some pink cocoa to wash it down with. And let’s hope the twists don’t have raisins.

6. Have a bite of these hearty jello bars.

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Seems to come in a few layers such as cheese cake and cookie. Make sure to keep it chill for the party.

7. You won’t be without heart in these kiwi slices.

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Yes, they put hearts in these. Not sure what the hearts are made of though.

8. Want some raspberries on that chocolate cake?

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This one doesn’t use icing. Since the hearts are imprinted on the flower on top.

9. Some heart cookies just have fancy trimmings.

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These have icing lace and roses. Still, you have to admire the pink floral icing.

10. Nothing makes a Valentine’s Day party like some heart pizza.

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You can even put some basil on it. Nonetheless, the pepperoni hearts bring it a lot of charm.

11. These heart cookies are all spots.

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The spots are all different colors and sizes. And yes, they’re professionally made.

12. Cheesecake hearts make for a romantic dessert.

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They’re made into hearts and are covered in raspberries. Perfect for a Valentine’s Day meal.

13. Nobody can resist a Valentine’s Day cupcake like this.

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Consists of a heart on top of icing and an Oreo cookie. You can put it in a cup if you want.

14. Perhaps you’d like some rosy cupcakes.

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Well, these have pink roses in icing that take nearly the whole cupcakes surface. So pretty.

15. Care for some blueberry pancakes for a Valentine’s Day breakfast?

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Well, these are supposed to be blueberry almond. Like the heart shape butter piece.

16. You can’t help but love these chocolate heart cupcakes.

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They’re shaped like hearts and covered with icing. Some may even have sprinkles.

17. Heart rice crispy treats should always be red.

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Each of these is decorated in white icing. Like the one with drizzle swirls.

18. Hearts will abound for your little one over this V-Day lunch.

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Consists of hearts with the fruit, veggies, and starch. So cute.

19. These heart cookies come with lace and dots.

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Well, they have lace in the edges and red dots. Professionally made but delightful.

20. You always have to get two large hearts on a Valentine Day cake.

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The cake is pink with 2 tiers. While the hearts and swirls are in front.

21. No V-Day is complete for a kid without a bento lunch.

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Each has a sandwich and heart strawberries. So adorable.

22. Please your sweethearts with this cupcake set.

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Each of these has a V-Day scene. Like the lock and key one the best.

23. These Rice Krispie treats are covered in hearts.

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Well, the heart sprinkles are over the drizzle. Seems rather simple to make.

24. Little heart beets always go with a V-Day salad.

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Comes with carrot peels and iceberg lettuce. You can also douse it with dressing in a heart.

25. Would you like a pancake sandwich heart?

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There’s Nutella in the filling. Served with raspberries and flour.

26. Hearts on stick always belong on a cake.

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The hearts are cookies in red icing. While the cake is covered in white.

27. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day like a couple of strawberry lady bugs.

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They even have signs up. While they’re decked in chocolate. So cute.

28. A heart cake will always inspire love.

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This one features hearts in pink and red. So pretty. Love it.

29. How about a heart cake covered in pink?

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This one is iced to look like a flower. And in a heart for love.

30. Would you like a piece of a heart cheesecake?

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These are covered in cherry and blueberry sauces. While each are sprinkled with coconut.

31. A cake bar should have 2 hearts.

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It’s red velvet with red flakes on icing. While the hearts are also made out of icing.

32. Feel free to take a heart sandwich.

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Many of these have strawberries inside. While they’re all arranged along a rose.

33. Sweetheart cheesecakes always make for a sweet treat.

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Sure these conversation hearts aren’t around. But the cheesecake versions will taste better.

34. You may decorate a chocolate heart cake any way you want.

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One has M&Ms and sprinkles on pink icing. The other just has icing and sprinkles.

35. You’ll find flowers on these heart cookies.

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Sure the flowers may not be roses. But they’re certainly quite beautiful.

36. Feel free to get these shot-through hearts.

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These are cake bites shaped like hearts and covered in pink and white icing. The sticks are shaped like arrows.

37. Conversation heart marshmallows are a simple treat.

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Oh, wait, you may not be able to make these. Or at least after this year.

38. There’s nothing you can’t love about these chocolate heart cakes.

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Two say “love” while one has pink and white stripes with a chocolate heart.

39. These V-Day bites will warm your heart.

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You could have em’ in white or red. Either way, you’ll probably find some kind of cake or candy filling.

40. Impress your guests with these Valentine’s Day cupcakes.

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Each of these has a heart or a flower on it. So pretty.

41. Conversation heart cakes will get anyone talking.

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Each of these has chocolate icing and a heart. And I’m sure the hearts are better than the real candy.

42. Nothing can be more lovely than these pastry bites.

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These have hearts and roses on them. the pink ones even have sugar on the edges.

43. Nothing makes Valentine’s Day memorable like these heart cookies.

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Each of these has a fruit filling in them. Perfect for any V-Day party.

44. These V-Day cakes are all the rage.

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These come in circle, flower and heart shapes. While they’re decked with icing, raspberries, and sprinkles.

45. Like Oreos? Try these heart sandwiches.

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This one has Oreo bits in the cake batter. While the filling contains pink icing.

46. These owl V-Day cake pops are a real hoot.

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These are supposed to be “Owl Love You Forever” cake pops. So cute.

47. A heart cake should always be surrounded by flowers.

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Each of these cupcakes has pink and white roses. While the heart is pink with 3 roses on the side.

48. Pretzel hearts make a fine Valentine’s Day snack.

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These consist of heart pretzels and red chocolate. Real simple to make.

49. There’s nothing sweeter on V-Day than these cookies.

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These have cute little sayings on them. Some of them even consist of animals.

50. Care for a strawberry rose?

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Since the roses are made out of strawberries. While the dirt made out of pudding and Oreos.

51. This heart jello cake makes an ideal V-Day treat.

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Then again, they might be made out of candy. Yet, the top is sprinkled with coconut, beads, and smaller hearts.

52. There’s more to love with these V-Day cupcakes.

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Consists of letters, lips, and a flying heart. All on top of butter cream icing.

53. Perhaps you’d want a rose on your cupcake.

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Though the roses are red and made out of icing. While the cake is red velvet.

54. Hope you have a heart for these cookies.

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The hearts have fruit filling in them. And you can use gingerbread man cookie cutters for them, too.

55. a heart cake always needs strawberry slices.

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The slices are arranged in a flower. While the rest of the cake’s covered with sprinkles.

56. Don’t know how to tell your sweetheart you love them? Say it in a cake.

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Then again, you might have to evaluate how serious you are before you get the cake. Still, love the icing roses.

57. Perhaps a V-Day cookie cake will suit your fancy.

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Says “you & me” in pink and white icing. Like the hearts and pink snowflakes.

58. Want some pink heart pudding?

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These are cups with chocolate crusts. And yes, each has heart sprinkles inside.

59. Brighten anyone’s Valentine’s Day with these donuts.

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Each of these has their own design. Some have hearts. Some have stripes and sayings.

60. A chocolate heart can always enhance any treat.

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While these cupcakes have chocolate icing and heart sprinkles. Must be delicious.

61. Heart grilled cheese will delight you as a V-Day lunch.

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Well, these are mini grilled cheese sandwiches. Still they contain other things, too.

62. Two hearts beat as one on this V-Day loaf cake slice.

The pink hearts are in there. Not sure how this person did it though. Seriously, cake filling like that baffles me.

63. Would you like a chocolate rose?

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Of course, you’d have to be an expert chocolatier to make these. But they’re nonetheless beautiful.

64. Got leftover candy canes from Christmas? Make chocolate hearts out of them.

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Each have a conversation heart on them. While they’re also decked with sprinkles.

65. Would you like some conversation hearts on a stick?

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Seems like they don’t say much. But they’re probably made from some pastel chocolate.

66. I’m sure this little honey bee will taste as sweet.

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It’s called “Honey Bee…My Valentine.” While the bee is made out of a Twinkie.

67. Small heart cheesecakes are always a delight.

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Each of these have chocolate with pink hearts on top. While the cheese cake part is pink, too.

68. Grace your dessert platter with these pink heart cookies.

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These have beautiful designs with flowers and hearts. So pretty.

69. A Valentine Day’s cake can never be without a heart.

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The heart is pink with icing in shades of pink. So lovely.

70. You’d find plenty of hugs and kisses on these cupcakes.

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Consists of x’s and o’s on a red velvet cake. Perfect for any V-Day party.

71. The hearts should always come on top of a tall cake.

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Consists of 2 tiers with ribbons and hearts on each. Love this.

72. You’ll have a conversation with these heart cakes.

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These have sprinkles on the bottom. But at least they probably don’t taste like chalk.

73. Sometimes you might want a creamy heart in a cupcake.

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These are red velvet with cream inside. Yet, each is in a heart shape.

74. These chocolate heart cupcakes should delight.

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The hearts are made from cake. As they sit on top of pink icing and sprinkles.

75. Perhaps you might want a more elegant V-Day dessert during a romantic evening.

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IT’s a chocolate heart cake with raspberries. Includes drizzle and whipped cream.

76. Feel free to take one from this V-Day snack tray.

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All of these are in a heart shape. Includes cheese, ham, crackers, and cucumber slices.

77. You can always say it in cookies.

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It says, “I love you” in cookie and red icing. Note make sure you don’t be creepy about presenting these to your sweetheart.

78. Serve your guests on V-Day with this snack mix.

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Well, you have to add some pink stuff and hearts. And yes, includes some pink waffle cookie triangles.

79. Nothing says love like fudge brownies.

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Has a chocolate heart on each square. While it’s all decorated iwth sprinkles.

80. Anyone would love to eat these little honeybee cookies.

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These are chocolate covered Oreos as bees. So adorable.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Valentines (Sixth Edition)

swallow-clipart-graphicsfairy012bIn January, you often see stores stashed with Valentine’s Day gifts, cards, and decorations. Because let’s just say after one cash cow holiday is over, retail chains just latch onto the next. Though some do use Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to sell stuff, which goes against the great civil rights leader’s legacy. Anyway, one tradition of Valentine’s Day is exchanging valentines filled with sentiments of love. Though some people may hold nostalgia for some of these vintage cards. Yet, do a Google search and you’ll find that many of these valentines aren’t as wholesome as many would remember. Sure they might have cutesy images. But the words can also be double entendres as well as convey some unsettling messages. While some may depict inappropriate imagery entirely. So for your reading pleasure, I give you another treasury of crazy vintage valentines. Enjoy.

  1. Happy Valentine’s Day from the fish and the leek.
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I have no idea what these two have to do with each other. Makes The Shape of Water seem comparatively tame.

2. “I’m grinding out the wish that’s my heart.”

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Featuring a meat grinder in any valentine isn’t really a good idea. Seriously it makes the kid seem like a budding psychopath.

3. “Like mustard on a weenie, I’d go good with you. So be my little valentine, no one else will do!”

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The girl apparently seems impressed by the size of the, uh, hotdog. Seriously, I know the dirty implications of “weenie.”

4. “In spite of all I have to do, I’ll never be forgetting you.”

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Yet, look in the outgoing mail bin, you see that Susie doesn’t just have eyes for one. Susie is a slut.

5. “I’d share my heart with you.”

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But what are they sharing? Is that ice cream? Please let it be ice cream.

6. “Baby it’s brief. I love you, my valentine.”

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And here’s a girl lounging in a sexy pose on a beach chair. Definitely not appropriate for a Valentine’s Day card.

7. Nothing says Valentine’s Day than one of a scary clown.

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And you thought Pennywise was creepy. This guy’s guaranteed to haunt your dreams.

8. “You’re such a pretty little tot/I hope that U will forget me not.”

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Cue the girl reaching into her pocket and pulling out a vial of mace to spray into that boy’s face. I’m sure he has it coming.

9. “Please be ‘frank’, Valentine, ‘must’d be a ‘long’ wait?”

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Cue how he’s got a hungry look in his eyes. And I don’t think it’s for hotdogs either.

10. Nothing will please but the whole package.

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This is rather suggestive, especially with “Big Boy” at the end. Also, the drawing kind of freaks me out.

11. “Every evening after nine, I dream of you, my Valentine.”

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Yet, looking into his cold dead eyes, you wish he wouldn’t. Seriously, the kid’s creeping me out.

12. Will you be my valentine, please?

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Still, “Little Girl” and “Big Boy” doesn’t seem to have appropriate connotation. Also, the girl seems desperate.

13. “I’d like to be my neighbor’s valentine.”

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Sure the kids may not mind. But both seem to have a look that would lead to a restraining order.

14. “I love you now, as I always did./I even loved you as a kid.”

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Okay, this seems a bit creepy. And I think the girl and the cat in the baby carriage is quite freaked out.

15. “I’d love to saddle myself off on you for life!”

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May be innocent enough. But “saddle” seems to carry a rather sexual double entendre. Let’s hope she’s not on a one trick pony.

16. “Stealing a heart is no crime.”

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Is that girl’s dress up? Seems like it. Still, the rabbit really doesn’t want to see that.

17. “I believe in women’s rights- and I’m right this time!”

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Uh, that’s not exactly women’s rights. Besides, there’s a chance she could be wrong.

18. “I’m in a stew over you, Valentine!”

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Yet, this doesn’t mean you should put a dog in a big pot of stew. Unless this is from China.

19. This clown has lots of love for you.

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Still, that doesn’t mean you should go near that guy since he’s pretty terrifying. Though you have to admire how he juggles hearts and a barrel.

20. “You iss like a flower in the garden of my heart.”

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I’m not sure if I’d want flowers from a kid who can easily be the killer in a horror movie. But that’s just me.

21. “You’re the girl for my boy-cycle.”

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For one, the kid is as creepy as hell. Secondly, I think by “boy-cycle” he means his penis. But I must’ve had my mind in the gutter too long.

22. Happy Valentine’s Day from the cross-eyed Dutch girl.

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This must’ve been the fault of the illustration. But you wonder if the girl doesn’t see a doctor. Then again, she might not be able to afford it.

23. “You’ve got me eating out of your hands, my Valentine.”

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I’m guessing the gator is into the girl in the grass skirt. And the girl seems okay with it. Or is that supposed to be a dinosaur? Oh, God, I’m confused.

24. “I aim to make you my Valentine. Can I be your big shot?”

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Again, with the gunplay. Still, no, I don’t want to be your “big shot.”

25. “I’m fiddling while my heart burns for you, Valentine.”

creepy valentines day card (32)

It’s almost as if he’s a little Nero in the making. Since he seems like the boy who’d fiddle while everything around him goes up in smoke. Mostly because he started the fire.

26. “I’ve enlisted in Cupid’s Army.”

creepy valentines day card (36)

Apparently, Cupid sees no need to wear pants even in uniform. Seriously, what does he have against pants? And I hope he’s wearing underwear.

27. “Shine on me and make me glow, my Valentine.”

creepy valentines day card (37)

Did anyone notice how a lightbulb kind of resembles a pair of testicles? Maybe not until you saw this valentine. Kind of explains how men promise you love but they give you their balls.

28. “You’re so sweet- I can eat you up.”

eat-valentine

Though it doesn’t sound quite right coming from a ferocious shark. After all, we’ve all seen Jaws.

29. “I’m fishin’ fer a little girl’s love.”

fish pussy

Note how he has the large gold fish between his legs. Seems suggestive for a boy doesn’t it? You can see why he wants a little girl’s “love.”

30. “I’ll hammer away till you’re mine.”

hammer valentine

Hammering away till they’re yours isn’t a good relationship strategy. If she doesn’t want you, she doesn’t want you. Also, he’s totally nailing the heart.

31. Hope your valentine is out of this world.

monster penis

See how the heart is strategically placed over the alien’s chest. Still, I think it’s supposed to be a girl given the eyelashes and pony tail.

32. “I’m gunning for you, Valentine! I aim to please you!”

sex gunning

The gun and holster image shows that this pertains to sex. Seriously, they don’t even try to imply it.

33. Looks like Cupid is staging a stick up.

robbery sex valentine

Seems like he’s after love and money. Yet, he doesn’t seem intimidating wearing a golden belt with a holster.

34. “Pop! Pop!…will go this gun of mine as long as you’re my Valentine!”

sex valentine

Don’t think a boy should be putting his hand into a cannon. Else he’ll either end up in the ER or six feet under.

35. “Be my Valentine. I think you are a deer.”

sexy valentine

You mean you think I’m someone to shoot at and make into food and clothes. Also, it’s cool for white kids to dress as Native Americans.

36. Happy Valentine’s Day from Officer Monkey.

shoot sex

And that monkey has a gun and a night stick. I think you want to watch out for him and run for the hills.

37. “I will have an axe to grind unless you’ll be my valentine.”

valentine ax valentine

Boy isn’t messing around either. So accept him or he’ll hack you to pieces. Seriously, this is messed up.

38. “We’d be way out on Valentine’s Day.”

valentine creepy

Didn’t know they had valentines of the Rolling Stones. Guess this one is Mick Jagger. Though you won’t get any satisfaction from this one.

39. “My heart’s zooming like a rocket for you, Valentine.”

valentine erection

And yet he’s holding onto a rocket shooting up into space. Note the phallic imagery as it’s situated between his legs.

40. Someone’s hunting for your heart.

valentine gunning

The boy is on a boat with a gun and holding a gun. So run for the hills or he’ll bag you as a trophy.

41. So does a tennis player score at all when making love?

valentine hot sex

I bet the gist of this card is: “So do you think I’m great in bed?” But they used tennis motifs to make it seem wholesome when it’s not.

42. “You’re different, Valentine!”

valentine sex

Yet, this one features a tiki mask. Something that Polynesian people hold as a sacred image. Oh, commercialism, what will you debase next?

43. Green Arrow is aiming for his valentine.

valentine killing

Yet, unlike Cupid, I don’t think his arrows will make you fall in love with someone. Rather they’ll probably kill you. Also, he kind of resembles a sex dungeon Robin Hood.

44. He’s out to trap his valentine.

valentine stalking

Sure he might be stalking for his valentine. But at least he’s got a blunderbuss. So he’s only got one shot.

45. “I want a good girl-bad!”

valentine

Yet, smoking a cigarette while being dressed in shorts and a sweater won’t help. Seriously, he reminds me of a pint-sized Victor McLagen from The Informer.

46. Of course, Valentine’s Day has its share of broken hearts.

valentine-heartbroken

Though this is just utterly ridiculous. Seriously, she might be sad. But she kind of makes me wonder if the designers were on drugs at the time.

47. Perhaps you might want to buy a watermelon.

vintage-black-americana-watermelon-valentine-card

Okay, this is really racist. Yeah, I know it was a different time. But still, the offensiveness must be noted. Also, see how the girl has bare feet and is smiling.

48. Want to do the hula for love?

vintage-hula-ameri-card-valentine

Not sure if this is offensive. But what the hell is the girl wearing under her grass skirt?

49. Nothing says Valentine’s Day like the sound of a machine gun from the trenches.

war v

What does Valentine’s Day have to do with a combat zone? Shouldn’t love be about promoting peace between nations? Not killing each other?

50. Want to propose to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day? Send them this lobster valentine.

ygs8dky

Well, chances are if you’re using a ring, you can’t afford a lobster dinner anyway. Still, lobster is a strange thing to put on a valentine.