Category Archives: Just for Fun

A Treasury of Vintage Food Ads in the Days of Yesteryear

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Of course, we tend to see food being advertised these days all the time since we can’t really live without it. Nevertheless, you tend to see a lot of food ads during the football season, most of them usually pertain to stuff that’s not very good for you. I mean a lot of the food you see in such ads pertains to snacks, fast food, ready made stuff, candy, and other products guaranteed to give you a heart attack at 55. But unlike many football season beer commercials, a lot of these food ads are terrible and tend to be repeated a lot, especially ads from fast food restaurants. Nevertheless, food advertising made up a significant ad share in previous generations as well.  And in all types of mediums, too, like in magazines, TV, radio, and newspapers. Or in other words, everywhere but the internet. Yet, as of now, you tend to see plenty of food ads containing recipes as well. Now I can talk about the great vintage food ads all I want. But chances are you wouldn’t find it the least entertaining. So instead, I’ll feature food ads which might make you scratch your head. These will feature dishes that appear as if they came a pot fueled chef in Greenwich Village, negative stereotyping, suggestive language, and creepy children. Also, ads featuring condiments, ingredients, toppings, and non-alcoholic drinks count as food, too. Of course, I’d advise all of you to not read this post while you’re eating or drinking. I don’t want any unintentional responsibility of making someone regurgitate their own lunch. So without further adieu, here are some vintage food ads that might make you a little queasy for your reading pleasure. Some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. Skinless Frankfurters and Wieners: “Are sure to be tender because they have no skins!”
I know that it's supposed to refer to hotdogs. But it sounds like something you'd hear in Anthony Weiner's Tinder profile. They even have a poem reading

I know that it’s supposed to refer to hotdogs. But it sounds like something you’d hear in Anthony Weiner’s Tinder profile. They even have a poem reading “How the Frankfurter Lost It’s Skin.” Yeah, real nice.

2. Velveeta: “Extra good for young kids and young mothers, too! Is full of health from milk!”

You know, the stuff your dad uses to make a cheesy salsa dip? Yeah, that cheesy stuff. Said to be real cheese, well, sort of. Of course, I'm not sure I'd go that far to call it a health food though.

You know, the stuff your dad uses to make a cheesy salsa dip? Yeah, that cheesy stuff. Said to be real cheese, well, sort of. Of course, I’m not sure I’d go that far to call it a health food though.

3. “When I’m eating Jell-O, I wish I were a zebra …because then I could paint my stripes and remind everyone of those six delicious flavors.”

Uh, I don't think zebras work that way. You see, zebras can't change their own stripes. Besides, I wonder if Jell-O's ad staff at the time was so high on acid to come up with stuff like this.

Uh, I don’t think zebras work that way. You see, zebras can’t change their own stripes. Besides, I wonder if Jell-O’s ad staff at the time was so high on acid to come up with stuff like this.

4. Grace your baked beans with some bangers and balls from the H. J. Heinz Company.

Now these consist of

Now these consist of “Beanz with Balls,” “Red Hot Balls,” and “Big Saucy” Bangers” (which is sausage). No, those aren’t porn titles. Those are exactly what’s said on the tin. Yeah, Heinz really needs consultation on product names. Then again, maybe such suggestive names make good advertising.

5. Try Sun-Kissed Grapefruit, the kind of fruit that really conceals your melons.

I get the impression that she's not wearing anything under her shirt. Let's just say the juice and the fruit are conveniently placed near her naughty bits. Sort of gives the notion of

I get the impression that she’s not wearing anything under her shirt. Let’s just say the juice and the fruit are conveniently placed near her naughty bits. Sort of gives the notion of “food porn” a whole new meaning.

6. Remember that bread is life. Hmm…wonder what can go wrong with that?

And I'm sure a loaf of bread has to rise before it's eaten. But I'm not sure it has to be erect or even long and hard. Still, I wonder if the photographer arranged it as a joke or it was intended as an ad for Playboy. Either would be understandable. Still, it's a wonder that Bice didn't get sued over this because I'm pretty sure it gives the notion of

And I’m sure a loaf of bread has to rise before it’s eaten. But I’m not sure it has to be erect or even long and hard. Still, I wonder if the photographer arranged it as a joke or it was intended as an ad for Playboy. Either would be understandable. Still, it’s a wonder that Bice didn’t get sued over this because I’m pretty sure it gives the notion of “food porn” another whole new meaning.

7. Remember, kids, that a secret to a healthy and successful relationship is lard.

In case you don't know, lard is pig fat that's used for shortening or butter. Has no trans fats but it's pretty disgusting. Also, it's not used a lot now in the US because it's not kosher or halal. But it's becoming popular in Britain.

In case you don’t know, lard is pig fat that’s used for shortening or butter. Has no trans fats but it’s pretty disgusting. Also, it’s not used a lot now in the US because it’s not kosher or halal. But it’s becoming popular in Britain.

8. Rice: The food that will improve your sex life.

Looking at this ad, at first, I'd get the impression this was for cosmetics or soap. Not rice. As to why anyone thought this was a good way to sell rice, I have no idea. I mean if you're going to sell rice, at least show a picture of rice. Not something like this.

Looking at this ad, at first, I’d get the impression this was for cosmetics or soap. Not rice. As to why anyone thought this was a good way to sell rice, I have no idea. I mean if you’re going to sell rice, at least show a picture of rice. Not something like this.

9. Buy Egg-O-See, the food with the flavor!

I don't know what Egg-O-See is. But looking at that terrifying girl, I think it might be some sort of arsenic laced cereal designed to kill me. Seriously, to look at her is to see the face of impending death.

I don’t know what Egg-O-See is. But looking at that terrifying girl, I think it might be some sort of arsenic laced cereal designed to kill me. Seriously, to look at her is to see the face of impending and horrifying death.

10. Trying to lose weight as a busy mom? Then why don’t you try sugar?

Yeah, sugar. The kind of weight loss chemical that will help you lose weight by giving you Type II Diabetes. Of course, it has a strong tendency to make your kids hyper, overweight, and prone to all sorts of health problems. Yeah, I wonder how much this ad is to blame for the obesity crisis.

Yeah, sugar. The kind of weight loss chemical that will help you lose weight by giving you Type II Diabetes. Of course, it has a strong tendency to make your kids hyper, overweight, and prone to all sorts of health problems. Yeah, I wonder how much this ad is to blame for the obesity crisis.

11. 7 UP, the family soft drink you’re never too young to start.

I don't starting kids on 7 UP while they're still in diapers is a good idea. Might give them an early start in developing Type II Diabetes and childhood obesity. Yeah, I'm sure that makes you an exemplar on parenting (sarcasm).

I don’t starting kids on 7 UP while they’re still in diapers is a good idea. Might give them an early start in developing Type II Diabetes and childhood obesity. Yeah, I’m sure that makes you an exemplar on parenting (sarcasm).

12. Even Dennis the Menace loves his Kellogg’s Rice Krispie Treats.

Okay, it seems that Dennis the Menace is actually way creepier in person. Yes, his mouth's open. But I'm not sure if he's hungry for Rice Krispie Treats. We better hope so.

Okay, it seems that Dennis the Menace is actually way creepier in person. Yes, his mouth’s open. But I’m not sure if he’s hungry for Rice Krispie Treats. We better hope so.

13. The perfect woman is the one who will make her man a sandwich with Wonder Bread.

Now despite the sexual connotations, there's really nothing wrong with this ad picture. However, saying that using Wonder Bread will help women get men as well as labeling that woman

Now despite the sexual connotations, there’s really nothing wrong with this ad picture. However, saying that using Wonder Bread will help women get men as well as labeling that woman “date bait” is. Guys should make their own sandwiches, not have women make ones for them. Well, unless they’re either her customers or in grade school.

14. “Open up an Oreo creme sandwich, and take a lick!”

Now I don't know about you. But this girl scares the living hell out of me with her big terrifying blue eyes and her forked tongue sticking out. Let's just say I think she has more than Oreo Cookies on her mind. But I'm not sure if I'd be too freaked out to ask.

Now I don’t know about you. But this girl scares the living hell out of me with her big terrifying blue eyes and her forked tongue sticking out. Let’s just say I think she has more than Oreo Cookies on her mind. But I’m not sure if I’d be too freaked out to ask.

15. Make beautiful pastries with Bakeo.

You know that if you want to sell food, you got to make it look tasty. These treats make me want to lose my appetite. Looks more like a mix between baking ingredients and building material.

You know that if you want to sell food, you got to make it look tasty. These treats make me want to lose my appetite. Looks more like a mix between baking ingredients and building material.

16. Remember that Sugar Frosted Flakes are Grrrrrreat!

Unfortunately, you can't say the same for Tony the Tiger who looks as if he's about to do something bad to that kid. Yeah, the boy better look behind him and run. Still, I'm not a big fan of celebrity makeovers, but I think the people at Post made the right decision to give Tony the Tiger one. Just sayin.'

Unfortunately, you can’t say the same for Tony the Tiger who looks as if he’s about to do something bad to that kid. Yeah, the boy better look behind him and run. Still, I’m not a big fan of celebrity makeovers, but I think the people at Kelloggs made the right decision to give Tony the Tiger one. Just sayin.’

17. Make your own Cheeseburger Loaf with Carnation Evaporated Milk.

Of course, this might be the dish for you if you like cheesburgers and are on the Atkins diet. Still, cheeseburgers are one thing. However, cheeseburger meatloaf like combining two things that should never be together. Yeah, it's pretty disgusting.

Of course, this might be the dish for you if you like cheesburgers and are on the Atkins diet. Still, cheeseburgers are one thing. However, cheeseburger meatloaf like combining two things that should never be together. Yeah, it’s pretty disgusting.

18. Karo syrup is always great for pancakes and sticky buns.

Of course, take note that this terrifying Karo Kid is at the stove cooking as well as planning to murder his parents. Yeah, I wouldn't touch those sticky buns or pancakes if I were you. They might be laced with cyanide or some other poison.

Of course, take note that this terrifying Karo Kid is at the stove cooking as well as planning to murder his parents. Yeah, I wouldn’t touch those sticky buns or pancakes if I were you. They might be laced with cyanide or some other poison.

19. Nothing tastes better than Old Dick candy bar.

Hate to say this, but

Hate to say this, but “Old Dick” is perhaps one of the worst candy bar names ever. Also, when I come across “Tastes like Old Dick,” I really don’t want anything of it. Yeah, this ad is really not appropriate for children and kind of homoerotic but not in a good way.

20. You can cook all kinds of things with Karo and there’s no trick to make them.

I don't know what he has in his hand or what he's going to do with it. But I have a feeling he's not going to use it to cook anything. Chances are, he's going to kill someone with it from the look in his eyes. Boy, this kid is pure evil without a doubt.

I don’t know what he has in his hand or what he’s going to do with it. But I have a feeling he’s not going to use it to cook anything. Chances are, he’s going to kill someone with it from the look in his eyes. Boy, this kid is pure evil without a doubt.

21. Remember, kids, drink a full glass of Florida Orange Juice every day.

From Wait But Why:

From Wait But Why: “This kid looks rowdy as fuck. Good thing he took a break from egging the neighbors’ houses to climax over a glass of orange juice.” Of course, I’m sure he’s going to poison some pigeons, skin a cat, and smash some mailboxes before the day is done. Yeah, a real swell kid.

22. Campbell’s Vegetable Soup: the canned soup for hungry and horny husbands everywhere.

Wonder what she's reaching for with her other hand. Is her husband anxious for his dinner or some intimate moments away from the kids? Either way, eating Campbell's soup might but them at risk for heart disease due to its high sodium content. Because as they say at Campbell's,

Wonder what she’s reaching for with her other hand. Is her husband anxious for his dinner or a handjob? Either way, eating Campbell’s soup might but them at risk for heart disease due to its high sodium content. Because as they say at Campbell’s, “Mmmmm….salt.”

23. “Wish I had a million Oreos!”

Now I don't want to endanger children's health and well being by giving them treats. But I'll just make this terrifying tot an exception because I don't want him to lose his appetite for Oreos and develop a taste for human flesh. Still, doesn't stop his face from giving me nightmares.

Now I don’t want to endanger children’s health and well being by giving them treats. But I’ll just make this terrifying tot an exception because I don’t want him to lose his appetite for Oreos and develop a taste for human flesh. Wouldn’t hurt if he got Type II Diabetes in the process. Still, doesn’t stop his face from giving me nightmares.

24. For chocolate milk, drink O’Baby.

More like O'Tar Baby to me with the virulently racist caricature drinking it. If you're American, you should be very aware about why it's not okay to draw black people this way.

More like O’Tar Baby to me with the virulently racist caricature drinking it. If you’re American, you should be very aware about why it’s not okay to draw black people this way.

25. While married men have wives who can cook for them at home, single men can eat at Hardee’s.

Basically, Hardee's is saying to single guys,

Basically, Hardee’s is saying to single guys, “If you ain’t married, then you’re probably not going to eat anything but fast food.” As if they’re saying that single men can’t cook for themselves or have moved out of their parents’ homes already. Let’s just say if you like fast food and blatant sexism against both genders, then Hardee’s is the place for you.

26. “This Chiffon cake only requires 4 eggs!”

Now this is the kind of dessert that will go quite well with a dish of green eggs and ham. Because it looks as if it's been left in somebody's refrigerator for about 3-6 months. Seriously, that must be one of the most disgusting cakes I've ever seen. And the green icing doesn't help at all.

Now this is the kind of dessert that will go quite well with a dish of green eggs and ham. Because it looks as if it’s been left in somebody’s refrigerator for about 3-6 months. Seriously, that must be one of the most disgusting cakes I’ve ever seen. And the green icing doesn’t help at all.

27. Nestle’s Coca: the coca for moms and their mutant alien children.

Let me guess. His father was small, green, and had more than just four appendages. And he doesn't take well to oxygen. Right now, he's probably on some business trip to a planet in some other galaxy. Yeah, it's a pretty crazy arrangement but at least his parents try to make it work.

Let me guess. His father was small, green, and had more than just four appendages. And he doesn’t take well to oxygen. Right now, he’s probably on some business trip to a planet in some other galaxy. Yeah, it’s a pretty crazy arrangement but at least his parents try to make it work.

28. Get the original double decker hamburger Big Boy at Bob’s Big Boy Restaurant.

Seems like the Big Boy might need to stop eating those burgers and start going to the gym or change his diet. Might be at risk of developing Type II Diabetes, heart disease, and other health problems. Yes, obesity is a real bitch.

Seems like the Big Boy might need to stop eating those burgers and start going to the gym or change his diet. Might be at risk of developing Type II Diabetes, heart disease, and other health problems. Yes, obesity is a real bitch.

29. Maxwell House Coffee: The coffee drink for blackface minstrel shows and show boat performers.

Of course, this might be a reason why black people didn't drink Maxwell House coffee during the Civil Rights Movement. To put a short story short, blackface is racist and offensive for obvious reasons, especially in minstrel shows. Seriously, Maxwell, what the fucking hell?

Of course, this might be a reason why black people didn’t drink Maxwell House coffee during the Civil Rights Movement. To put a short story short, blackface is racist and offensive for obvious reasons, especially in minstrel shows. Seriously, Maxwell, what the fucking hell?

30. Red Magic says that Heinz Tomato Ketchup makes everything taste better.

I don't know about you, but what's with this scary monocled tomato head guy with a top hat? Because he is simply creepy and evil looking as hell. I guess the marketing department at Heinz was literally tripping balls when they came up this this guy.

I don’t know about you, but what’s with this scary monocled tomato head guy with a top hat? Because he is simply creepy and evil looking as hell. I guess the marketing department at Heinz was literally tripping balls when they came up this this guy.

31. Remember, kids, back in the day, there was no party like a prune party.

And I'm sure this prune party would go well for their bowel movements. Not to mention, they'll probably have another one when they're all living at the same retirement home. Of course, what baffles me about this one is why did they use kids to sell prunes? They're for senior citizens for God's sake.

And I’m sure this prune party would go well for their bowel movements that they’ll poop their pants before it’s over. Not to mention, they’ll probably have another one when they’re all living at the same retirement home. Of course, what baffles me about this one is why did they use kids to sell prunes? They’re for senior citizens for God’s sake.

32. Velveeta cheese really goes on smooth like this woman.

I know that sex sells. But still, why the hell would Kraft use a naked woman to sell Velveeta? Then again, this ad probably came out during football season and catered to men.

I know that sex sells. But still, why the hell would Kraft use a naked woman to sell Velveeta? Then again, this ad probably came out during football season and catered to men reading Playboy.

33. Kellogg’s Soya is crisp, sweet, and a twin treat.

And it seems that these twin boys would be absolutely perfect for those two creepy twin girls from The Shining. However, I'm not sure which set is more terrifying. Then again, after breakfast, these two boys plan to dig up a grave to hide their next door neighbor's body. How sweet.

And it seems that these twin boys would be absolutely perfect for those two creepy twin girls from The Shining. However, I’m not sure which set is more terrifying. Then again, after breakfast, these two boys plan to dig up a grave to hide their next door neighbor’s body. How sweet.

34. Hostess Sno-Balls: America’s No.1 Glamour Gal!

Well, I'm sure any guy would go for a sexy woman with a pastry head. Nevertheless, despite the freakiness here, Sno-Balls aren't even the best known Hostess product out there. I'm sure Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Hostess Cupcakes get way more attention. Sno-Balls barely get any.

Well, I’m sure any guy would go for a sexy woman with a pastry head. Nevertheless, despite the freakiness here, Sno-Balls aren’t even the best known Hostess product out there. I’m sure Twinkies, Ho-Hos, and Hostess Cupcakes get way more attention. Sno-Balls barely get any.

35. Smith’s Bacon: Bringing families together for breakfast in the creepiest ways possible.

I really don't like how Grandpa is behaving toward Susie right now. Sure he misses Grandma dearly since she died from cancer last year and Susie kind of looks like her. And we all know he's been battling dementia. But still, his conduct toward Susie is disturbing just the same.

I really don’t like how Grandpa is behaving toward Susie right now. Sure he misses Grandma dearly since she died from cancer last year and Susie kind of looks like her. And we all know he’s been battling dementia. But still, his conduct toward Susie is disturbing just the same.

36. Kitchen Craft Flour always makes everything taste better at home.

For the love of God, get this blueberry pie eating moppet away from me! She's utterly freaky and is probably the lovechild of either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. I'm not sure which for they're hard to tell apart.

For the love of God, get this blueberry pie eating moppet away from me! She’s utterly freaky and is probably the lovechild of either Tweedledee or Tweedledum. I’m not sure which for they’re hard to tell apart.

37. Shredded Wheat: a housewife’s “Declaration of Independence.”

By

By “independence” she means, “breakfast she can make without the servants” as it says on this ad. Of course, she still can’t vote since this ad came out before 1920.

38. Kellogg’s Cornflakes is the sweetheart of the corn.

So I guess that this was how we got Children of the Corn or Concordia College's Kernel Cob. Yeah, I really don't want to see some hot corn on woman action going on here. Yes, she really loves corn but in a very disturbing way. Don't ask.

So I guess that this was how we got Children of the Corn or Concordia College’s Kernel Cob. Yeah, I really don’t want to see some hot corn on woman action going on here. Yes, she really loves corn but in a very disturbing way. Don’t ask.

39. Champions always start young with Wheaties!

And it seems like this little champion might develop some anger issues as well as hit his daddy with a baseball. Man, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be around that kid. Particularly if there's a chance that he'll be on his way to becoming the next Jon McEnroe.

And it seems like this little champion might develop some anger issues as well as hit his daddy with a baseball. Man, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be around that kid. Particularly if there’s a chance that he’ll be on his way to becoming the next Jon McEnroe.

40. You will learn to love Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes even if this woman has make you by beating the living shit out of you.

In case you're wondering, these people are servants at some house. She's a cook and he's a clerk. And she's beating the shit out of him because he brought her the wrong cereal, which she thinks is serious business. Still, why Kellogg's thought why depicting workplace violence in their ad was a good idea is beyond me.

In case you’re wondering, these people are servants at some house. She’s a cook and he’s a clerk. And she’s beating the shit out of him because he brought her the wrong cereal, which she thinks is serious business. Still, why Kellogg’s thought why depicting workplace violence in their ad was a good idea is beyond me.

41. Betty Crocker cake mix helps husbands beat wives.

Oh, my God, Betty Crocker, how could you advocate domestic violence against women? Out of all people, you should be the last person to say such a thing! Then again, Betty Crocker might just be talking about how her cake mixes help give men an edge against their wives in cake bake. But she probably had a very poor choice in words and emphasis.

Oh, my God, Betty Crocker, how could you advocate domestic violence against women? Out of all people, you should be the last person to say such a thing! Then again, Betty Crocker might just be talking about how her cake mixes help give men an edge against their wives in cake bake. But she probably had a very poor choice in words and emphasis.

42. Even freckly blond kids love their Fig Newtons.

Of course, either this kid really loves fig newtons or he's planning to use them for his evil plan. Yes, to him, murder is the sweetest thing in the world. I wouldn't want to touch these things after he's done with them.

Of course, either this kid really loves fig newtons or he’s planning to use them for his evil plan. Yes, to him, murder is the sweetest thing in the world. I wouldn’t want to touch these things after he’s done with them.

43. Campbell’s Tomato Soup makes meat-za pizza as easy as 1-2-3!

Seriously, Campbells? And I thought certain chain restaurants were bad with some of their entrees. I'd call this pizza

Seriously, Campbells? And I thought certain chain restaurants were bad with some of their entrees. I’d call this pizza “The Heart Attack Special.” I mean its crust and pie are made from ground beef with cheese, mushrooms, and Campbell’s tomato soup. And we all know that Campbell’s contains Mmmmmm….salt.

44. Atora Beef Suet makes great steak pudding cups.

From Oddee:

From Oddee: “When we first saw this ad, we read “Atora” as “aorta” and thought these looked like cross sections of an artery. In reality, they are beef suet tarts or beef fat pastries, which sound just as appetizing.” Yeah, couldn’t say it better myself. Wouldn’t want to eat one of these on my plate.

45. Concerned about your family’s health? Give them a V8.

I don't know about you. But looking at this kid's expression, I think I'll take a pass on this one. Seriously, I think this mother is using V8 for something more sinister. For God's sake, look at her face! She looks freaking insane!

I don’t know about you. But looking at this kid’s expression, I think I’ll take a pass on this one. Seriously, I think this mother is using V8 for something more sinister. For God’s sake, look at her face! She looks freaking insane!

46. Baby Ruth: It’s what all the girls in the go for.

Since he started giving out Baby Ruth bars, Bobby always had the girls flock over to him ever since. Now he's become the biggest player on campus. But I really don't want to tell you what the girls give him in return.

Since he started giving out Baby Ruth bars, Bobby always had the girls flock over to him ever since. Now he’s become the biggest player on campus. But I really don’t want to tell you what the girls give him in return.

47. Beech-Nut Peanut Butter always puts flavor first.

Seems like this girl is saying,

Seems like this girl is saying, “Once this peanut butter’s mine, then I’ll control the whole world! At last, vengeance will be mine! Mwha ha ha ha ha ha!”

48. May I present to you a meaty new idea called Ribs in a Can.

Now we know where McDonald's gets the molded meat for the McRib. However, these actually look more like the genuine article than what McDonald's has. Well, whenever they have the McRib.

Now we know where McDonald’s gets the molded meat for the McRib. However, these actually look more like the genuine article than what McDonald’s has. Well, whenever they have the McRib.

49. Dairy Queen presents its new mascot– Mr. Astro Chimp.

Wait a minute, Dairy Queen had a mascot? Of course, I can see why Mr. Astro Chimp didn't last long. Probably got fired for terrifying the kids and adults.

Wait a minute, Dairy Queen had a mascot? Of course, I can see why Mr. Astro Chimp didn’t last long. Probably got fired for terrifying the kids and adults. Yeah, he’s just so damn creepy.

50. Stokley’s Tomato Ketchup brings in the joy of good eating. It’s like eating a real juicy tomato that is.

Of course, to him, eating a tomato is like munching on somebody's internal organs. Yes, squishy and juicy internal organs. Man, this is one creepy kid. Hope he's not planning to eat that tomato with somebody's heart.

Of course, to him, eating a tomato is like munching on somebody’s internal organs. Yes, squishy and juicy internal organs. Man, this is one creepy kid. Hope he’s not planning to eat that tomato with somebody’s heart.

51. “Sssh, remember that Kellogg’s Rice Krispies is so crispy, it crackles in cream.”

Of course, she hopes the cereal crackles enough that she can whack the neighbor with a shovel and hide his body in the bushes. Yes, this seemingly sweet little girl is pure evil.

Of course, she hopes the cereal crackles enough that she can whack the neighbor with a shovel and hide his body in the bushes. Yes, this seemingly sweet little girl is pure evil.

52. With Campbell’s Soup you can make your own soup shakes with milk and cinnamon.

Okay, I don't know about you. But I find the idea of Campbell's Soup shakes completely disgusting. Seriously, who the hell puts a can of Campbell's Soup with milk and cinnamon? That's just so fucked up, man. Seriously, why?

Okay, I don’t know about you. But I find the idea of Campbell’s Soup shakes completely disgusting. Seriously, who the hell puts a can of Campbell’s Soup with milk and cinnamon? That’s just so fucked up, man. Seriously, why?

53. Make some Dude Ranch Beans with Ann Page.

Well, at least it has more pork than what you'd see in pork and beans. Of course, the sausage is on a stick. Still, must have a lot of salt to give some dude at a ranch a heart attack.

Well, at least it has more pork than what you’d see in pork and beans. Of course, the sausage is on a stick. Still, must have a lot of salt to give some dude at a ranch a heart attack.

54. Make Ruby Chicken with Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce.

Okay, now just because chicken and cranberries may be good next each other, doesn't mean they should be mixed together in the stew. Sorry, Ocean Spray, but your Ruby Chicken is disgusting. Also, are those white things ping pong balls?

Okay, now just because chicken and cranberries may be good next each other, doesn’t mean they should be mixed together in the stew. Sorry, Ocean Spray, but your Ruby Chicken is disgusting. Also, are those white things ping pong balls?

55. Bask in the joy of good eating with Stokley’s Tenderoni.

Of course, let's just say it's either this or a stew of somebody's intestines. Seriously, he may look happy but he has absolutely no soul and evil in his heart. And after he's finished, he might have murder on the mind.

Of course, let’s just say it’s either this or a stew of somebody’s intestines. Seriously, he may look happy but he has absolutely no soul and evil in his heart. And after he’s finished, he might have murder on the mind.

56. Bisquick: So simple a husband can do it!

Yeah, a guy needs Bisquick to make his own biscuits. Of course, why these people think men can't cook for themselves, I have no idea. I'm sure some husbands could cook at the time. Not all men have to be helpless in the kitchen.

Yeah, a guy needs Bisquick to make his own biscuits. Of course, why these people think men can’t cook for themselves, I have no idea. I’m sure some husbands could cook at the time. Not all men have to be helpless in the kitchen.

57. Juicy Bite Apples: the ideal fruit for emaciated children.

Yes, that kid really likes his apple since it's probably the first thing he's eaten in a week. Of course, if he's hungry any longer, he could go homicidal and turn to cannibalism.

Yes, that kid really likes his apple since it’s probably the first thing he’s eaten in a week. Of course, if he’s hungry any longer, he could go homicidal and turn to cannibalism.

58. When you’re expecting company, there’s nothing better than Supper Supper Salad Loaf with Hellman’s Mayonaise.

Actually, if I saw this being served at somebody else's place, I'd probably lose my appetite. If not, then possibly barf. Now that's one of the most disgusting loaves I've ever seen.

Actually, if I saw this being served at somebody else’s place, I’d probably lose my appetite. If not, then possibly barf. Now that’s one of the most disgusting loaves I’ve ever seen.

59. Spry Ground Beef is so tasty and tender that you’ll enjoy it as much as steak.

Is it just me, or does this Spry Ground Beef seem a little charred to you? On second thought, I'd rather take the steak. Might be a bit expensive, but at least I won't eat ashes. Well, when it's cooked medium rare, anyway.

Is it just me, or does this Spry Ground Beef seem a little charred to you? On second thought, I’d rather take the steak. Might be a bit expensive, but at least I won’t eat ashes. Well, when it’s cooked medium rare, anyway.

60. Children just simply love Fry’s Pure Concentrated Coca. They just don’t show it.

Actually I think this little girl is planning something. Perhaps she might have murder on the mind like killing her nanny for no good reason. Yes, she's a little psychopath. Just look at her adorable but terrifying soulless eyes.

Actually I think this little girl is planning something. Perhaps she might have murder on the mind like killing her nanny for no good reason. Yes, she’s a little psychopath. Just look at her adorable but terrifying soulless eyes.

61. H.P. Sauce is good with bacon.

Maybe it is. However, H.P. Sauce won't do you any good with bacon if that bacon is chasing you. Yeah, that is one of the scariest and evil pigs I've ever seen in my life.

Maybe it is. However, H.P. Sauce won’t do you any good with bacon if that bacon is chasing you. Yeah, that is one of the scariest and evil pigs I’ve ever seen in my life.

62. Beverly Peanut Butter gives extra health in every bite.

Hate to say this but once this boy is done with his peanut butter sandwich, I'm sure he's going to go forward with his plans on killing the neighbor who stole his bike. Yes, that kid will indeed pay. Let's just say this blond peanut butter sandwich munching child is bound to keep anyone up at night.

Hate to say this but once this boy is done with his peanut butter sandwich, I’m sure he’s going to go forward with his plans on killing the neighbor who stole his bike. Yes, that kid will indeed pay. Let’s just say this blond peanut butter sandwich munching child is bound to keep anyone up at night.

63. Skinless wieners and frankfurters are always straight and separate, never curved or linked.

Of course, this boy's eating two skinless wieners because they have no skins. Meanwhile on the right is a delectable hotdog and bacon dish bound to increase your risk for a coronary.

Of course, this boy’s eating two skinless wieners because they have no skins. Meanwhile on the right is a delectable hotdog and bacon dish bound to increase your risk for a coronary.

64. American kids shouldn’t suffer from lack of butter!

Now I had no idea that they were allowed to show naked kid butts in the 1950s. Of course, that kid has a creepy look on his face for some reason. Perhaps he has murder on the mind.

Now I had no idea that they were allowed to show naked kid butts in the 1950s. Of course, that kid has a creepy look on his face for some reason. Perhaps he has murder on the mind.

65. Remember, that there are 2 delicious ways to keep trim.

Yeah, and they seem to involve processed meats that contain lots of salt. Of course, the only way these ideas will keep you trim is giving you a fatal heart attack at an early age. Seriously, processed meats aren't really good for you.

Yeah, and they seem to involve processed meats that contain lots of salt. Of course, the only way these ideas will keep you trim is giving you a fatal heart attack at an early age. Seriously, processed meats aren’t really good for you.

66. Remember, kids, donuts contain nutritious vitamins.

Of course, if that was true, then we'd be encouraged to eat them more often. However, it's not but people still eat them anyway. Not because they should since they're kind of fattening to say the least. Still, the kids in this ad seem terrifying for some reason.

Of course, if that was true, then we’d be encouraged to eat them more often. However, it’s not but people still eat them anyway. Not because they should since they’re kind of fattening to say the least. Still, the kids in this ad seem terrifying for some reason. Maybe they’d use donuts to fatten up someone for a human sacrifice.

67. Make your own tuna fish from a mold with A1.

Now that is one of the least appetizing seafood dishes I have ever seen in my life. I mean the fish doesn't even look real for God's sake. Besides, isn't A1 supposed to be used as steak sauce? Yeah, this dish is gross.

Now that is one of the least appetizing seafood dishes I have ever seen in my life. I mean the fish doesn’t even look real for God’s sake. Besides, isn’t A1 supposed to be used as steak sauce? Yeah, this dish is gross.

68. Remember, children love Kellogg’s Cornflakes.

And I suspect that this girl is planning to kill her mother for serving bad cereal once she turns her back. Yeah, she may seem sweet and innocent, but her eyes reveal she has a vicious streak about a mile wide.

And I suspect that this girl is planning to kill her mother for serving bad cereal once she turns her back. Yeah, she may seem sweet and innocent, but her eyes reveal she has a vicious streak about a mile wide.

69. Here’s health to Campbell’s Tomato Juice!

But smiles, well, not so much? Well, at least since Prohibition put an end to these women's Margarita parties, no less. Still, I'm sure Campbell's salt content in their products will make up for that. Because Campbell's is Mmmmmm......salt!

But smiles, well, not so much? Well, at least since Prohibition put an end to these women’s Margarita parties, no less. Still, I’m sure Campbell’s salt content in their products will make up for that. Because Campbell’s is Mmmmmm……salt!

70. These girls scream for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes.

Don't be fooled. You might think they're screaming for Kellogg's Toasted Cornflakes. But what they're really screaming for is your immortal soul. Yes, they want your delicious immortal soul. They'll also settle for your body, too.

Don’t be fooled. You might think they’re screaming for Kellogg’s Toasted Cornflakes. But what they’re really screaming for is your immortal soul. Yes, they want your delicious immortal soul. They’ll also settle for your body, too.

Vintage Spirits Advertising of Yesterday

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Disclaimer: This post isn’t for viewers under the legal age of 21. Those caught looking at this post under 21 will be subject to prosecution and penalty depending on their state law. For those 21 and over, please drink responsibly.

Of course, I was just kidding when I said that people under 21 aren’t permitted to view them. However, full disclosure, kids, though you may not be of legal drinking age, you won’t be prosecuted by anyone for viewing these ads. You can totally view them without legal consequences whatsoever. Just like you see them when you watch a sports game or late night TV. Hell, they even advertise alcohol on billboards, magazines, movie theaters, the Web and outside buildings. My disclaimer was a joke. In fact, I highly encourage that you view these ads since they really tell a lot about our culture in terms of drinking. You might learn something. Nevertheless, if anyone is advertising alcohol in this post, those under 21 should never click the ad under any circumstances. And I don’t care if the woman in them is hot, the animals are cute, or that everyone seems to have a good time partying. If you’re under 21, don’t click on any sponsored alcohol ads on this post.

Now I don’t usually drink alcohol. But I’m well aware of how it’s been part of the American culture since the beginning. But unlike things like racism, Anti-Catholicism, sexism, xenophobia, tobacco, and reservation culture, we tend to see booze with a more positive reverence. But like guns, capitalism, sports, and protesting, we tend to ignore the negative implications and dangers. Nevertheless, the month of August is known for 2 things in my neck of the woods: back to school and the start of the football season. And besides, I’ve already done back to school ads last year. Anyway, football is huge in the United States like you wouldn’t believe which is why it’s a big time for advertising. Now most of the ads you’d expect in football game usually consist of food, cars, booze, and boner pills. Of course, food is always advertised on TV all the time so I can’t do a post on that. So are cars but I might do one of those another time. As for boner pills, I’m not sure if there were any vintage ads pertaining to them. Though that one for Duraflame in an earlier post certainly sounded like one, but they were advertising for a whole different kind of wood there. So this leaves us booze. Like food, booze advertising is everywhere and that was the same in your parents’ and grandparents’ childhood as well save maybe between 1920-1933 for obvious reasons. And football season is one of the biggest times of the year for alcohol advertising, especially beer. However, I can go on and on about the great alcohol ads of previous generations (like Yuengling’s dogs at the bar ad which my dad has for a T-shirt). But I’m well aware that you’d be bored to tears so I’ll show some of the ones your grandparents may not want to see in their lives again. So for your viewing pleasure, here are an assortment of vintage ads with booze that don’t inspire nostalgia but feelings one might get if they wake up with a hangover wondering what happened the night before. Some of these might not be safe for work, by the way. But that’s to be expected. Oh, there’s a chance some of these might not be from the United States either.

  1. Two more shots for the cause with Ballantine Scotch.
Sorry, you two, but I'm sure Prohibition's been over since 1933 with the 21st Amendment. Yes, I know it was stupid to ban booze in America. But still. Also, I don't like the look on that man's face for some reason.

Sorry, you two, but I’m sure Prohibition’s been over since 1933 with the 21st Amendment. Yes, I know it was stupid to ban booze in America. But still. Also, I don’t like the look on that man’s face for some reason.

2. “Got a thirst for man-size pleasure?” Drink Falstaff.

I don't know about you, but the lines

I don’t know about you, but the lines “Got a thirst for Man-Size Pleasure?” have the potential of taking a whole different meaning on Grindr. And I’m sure it has nothing to do with beer or fishing. But I’m sure there may be Grindr users into that sort of thing.

3. Of course, even bunnies tend to enjoy the occasional cocktail now and then.

While this ad might look adorable on the surface, I'm not sure about taking a closer look at it. Yes, they seem to be enjoying cocktails. But the girl rabbit appears wasted while the boy rabbit's eyes seem to be in diabolical anticipation. Like he's eagerly waiting when the roofies will kick in.

While this ad might look adorable on the surface, I’m not sure about taking a closer look at it. Yes, they seem to be enjoying cocktails. But the girl rabbit appears wasted while the boy rabbit’s eyes seem to be in diabolical anticipation. Like he’s eagerly waiting when the roofies will kick in.

4. Cool off on your Caribbean vacation with some Rhum Negrita.

Hmm....a black sugar field worker cutting sugar cane with an active volcano in the distance. Really? I'm sure he only makes about $2-3 during a 14 hour day. Besides, I'm sure it doesn't look good with that volcano.

Hmm….a black sugar field worker cutting sugar cane with an active volcano in the distance. Really? I’m sure he only makes about $2-3 during a 14 hour day. Besides, I’m sure it doesn’t look good with that volcano.

5. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you a guide of Montezuma’s tequila recipes.

You mean that what archaeologists said was an Aztec calendar was actually a bunch of tequila cocktail recipes? Wonder how they could miss that. Hey, wait a second, this is just an ad for tequila.

You mean that what archaeologists said was an Aztec calendar was actually a bunch of tequila cocktail recipes? Wonder how they could miss that. Hey, wait a second, this is just an ad for tequila.

6. Carrington’s Canadian Whiskey has uncommonly preferred stocks.

And it seems that Canadians use a beaver to analyze the stock market. Sort of makes the notion of Americans using groundhogs to predict the weather look reasonable. At least groundhogs have to deal with weather. I'm sure there's no beaver who has anything to do with the world of finance.

And it seems that Canadians use a beaver to analyze the stock market. Sort of makes the notion of Americans using groundhogs to predict the weather look reasonable. At least groundhogs have to deal with weather. I’m sure there’s no beaver who has anything to do with the world of finance.

7. A new baby in the family is always cause for celebration.

And the only living thing who doesn't have a glass of beer in this picture is the newborn baby in the cradle. Even the pets and children are drinking in this. And I'm sure the kiddies aren't even legal. But none of the adults seem to feel any qualms about underage drinking in this. Yeah, really wouldn't fly in the US today.

And the only living thing who doesn’t have a glass of beer in this picture is the newborn baby in the cradle. Even the pets and children are drinking in this. And I’m sure the kiddies aren’t even legal. But none of the adults seem to feel any qualms about underage drinking in this. Yeah, really wouldn’t fly in the US today.

8. Rheingold: the beer for lady duck hunters.

Let's hope she drinks her Rheingold after a day's hunt, not before or during. Because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that firearms and alcohol don't mix. Seriously, if I was caught between a drunk hunter and a bear, I'll take my chances with the bear.

Let’s hope she drinks her Rheingold after a day’s hunt, not before or during. Because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that firearms and alcohol don’t mix. Seriously, if I was caught between a drunk hunter and a bear, I’ll take my chances with the bear.

9. Of course, just because they have scotch at the country club, doesn’t mean you should drink it during a badminton tournament.

You know you've had too much scotch during a badminton tournament, when you're not sure whether a

You know you’ve had too much scotch during a badminton tournament, when you’re not sure whether a “birdie” is referring to a shuttlecock or an actual bird. And you’re not sure which to hit.

10. Schlitz Beer: the American beer that made Milwaukee famous.

Now this guy better be planning a tailgate party or inviting his buddies to watch a game. Or else, he might have a drinking problem. And it seems that the other guy would rather use his umbrella to keep his buddy's beer bottles dry than his girlfriend who's had to wear a newspaper. What an asshole.

Now this guy better be planning a tailgate party or inviting his buddies to watch a game. Or else, he might have a drinking problem. And it seems that the other guy would rather use his umbrella to keep his buddy’s beer bottles dry than his girlfriend who’s had to wear a newspaper. What an asshole.

11. Schlitz: The beer you want for your summer pool party.

And it seems that the beer isn't the only thing that Ralphie is looking at. Of course, there's a chance people might get suspicious seeing he and Norman alone together in their beach gear.

And it seems that the beer isn’t the only thing that Ralphie is looking at. Of course, there’s a chance people might get suspicious seeing he and Norman alone together in their beach gear.

12. Get that Ten High smile and double your enjoyment.

Is it just me or is that circus clown simply terrifying? I mean that is one of the creepiest clowns I've ever seen. And I've seen a few. Besides, looking at him, I really don't want that Ten High smile if you ask me.

Is it just me or is that circus clown simply terrifying? I mean that is one of the creepiest clowns I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a few. Besides, looking at him, I really don’t want that Ten High smile if you ask me.

13. Beer is always the great tailgating drink when you’re watching the game.

Now I know that's supposed to be an armchair. But sometimes it kind of looks like a visibly pregnant woman taking a cold one for some reason. And I'm well aware that drinking beer during pregnancy is not a good idea and should best be avoided at all times, especially in the critical early stages (when the baby is developing). Still, I think this artist really made us assume the worst with this one.

Now I know that’s supposed to be an armchair. But sometimes it kind of looks like a visibly pregnant woman taking a cold one for some reason. And I’m well aware that drinking beer during pregnancy is not a good idea and should best be avoided at all times, especially in the critical early stages (when the baby is developing). Still, I think this artist really made us assume the worst with this one.

14. When it comes to company picnics, you can’t beat Schlitz.

Guess this was a way for a guy's work buddies to tell him that he might need to do a twelve step program. Seriously, none of the other guys in this race are luring their partners with beer bottles. So why did the ad people think it was a good idea?

Guess this was a way for a guy’s work buddies to tell him that he might need to do a twelve step program. Seriously, none of the other guys in this race are luring their partners with beer bottles. So why did the ad people think it was a good idea?

15. Black & White: Worth hunting for.

Now it's one thing to say

Now it’s one thing to say “hunting” in a figurative sense. However, booze and hunting just don’t mix despite how many people thought for centuries. But at least there’s no gun in this. Only a whip. I dread how the horses will have the deal with during the fox hunt. It’s almost tradition to drink at those events.

16. With Passport Scotch, it’s not where you’ve been, it’s where you’re going.

Now is a good time for a public service announcement. Okay, fellas, if come across a woman splayed like that with a glass in her hand, do not even try to have sex with her. Hell, she might already be wasted for all you know. Otherwise, with Passport's Scotch, the next place you're going is jail.

Now is a good time for a public service announcement. Okay, fellas, if come across a woman splayed like that with a glass in her hand, do not even try to have sex with her. Hell, she might already be wasted for all you know. Otherwise, with Passport’s Scotch, the next place you’re going is jail.

17. Remember wives and kids, when Daddy gets home from work, you better bring him his Budweiser.

If Mommy doesn't bring Daddy his beer when he comes home, then Daddy's going to get one himself at some nearby bar. There he'll have a few more which will lead him getting into fights, becoming a public embarrassment, and cheating on Mommy with some booze filled whore. So please, kiddos, remember that Daddy needs his beer after work to relax.

If Mommy doesn’t bring Daddy his beer when he comes home, then Daddy’s going to get one himself at some nearby bar. There he’ll have a few more which will lead him getting into fights, becoming a public embarrassment, and cheating on Mommy with some booze filled whore. So please, kiddos, remember that Daddy needs his beer after work to relax.

18. For the kids: there’s always Jingle Jokes for Little Folks.

Hmmm....selling alcohol to minors. I'm sure that won't do anything wrong to poor little Jimmy. Except hurt his liver and increase his chances of becoming an alcoholic. Seriously, what hell were these people thinking at the time? This is crazy!

Hmmm….selling alcohol to minors. I’m sure that won’t do anything wrong to poor little Jimmy. Except hurt his liver and increase his chances of becoming an alcoholic. Seriously, what hell were these people thinking at the time? This is crazy!

19. “I spread my wings when I discovered Smirnoff.”

So here's another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she's next to an old timey plane. Now there's nothing wrong with this picture, so long if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot's license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka which might help you spread your wings. But sometimes not in a way you'd want to.

So here’s another failed attempt at feminism. Even worse that she’s next to an old timey plane. Now there’s nothing wrong with this picture, if it was used to encourage young girls to get a pilot’s license, join the Air Force, or work for Boeing. But this ad is being used to sell vodka and encourage young women to drink. Now I see nothing wrong with drinking at a party, ladies, but saying that drinking is liberating when it really makes you increasingly vulnerable to being violated and risky behavior. There’s a reason why you see PSAs against drunk driving. And I’ve seen Flight so I know that drinking and flying don’t mix either.

20. “End your Thanksgiving dinner in an old-fashioned blaze of glory!”

Now I know what you're thinking. You might assume this ad is racist because it has a smiling black guy in servant attire. But little do you realize that he's really smiling because he burned his boss's turkey in revenge for all the years of enduring his abuse. Now thanks to his efforts, his boss's family Thanksgiving is ruined and will have to have order Peking Turkey at the nearest Chinese Restaurant.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You might assume this ad is racist because it has a smiling black guy in servant attire. But little do you realize that he’s really smiling because he burned his boss’s turkey in revenge for all the years of giving him crap on a minimum wage salary. Now thanks to his efforts, his boss’s family Thanksgiving is ruined and will have to have order Peking Turkey at the nearest Chinese Restaurant.

21. Things always seem to look better with Johnnie Walker Red.

Notice that they never show the woman these guys are talking about in this ad. Makes me wonder that these guys are so drunk that they'll hump anything. The woman isn't as attractive as these guys think.

Notice that they never show the woman these guys are talking about in this ad. Makes me wonder that these guys are so drunk that they’ll hump anything. The woman isn’t as attractive as these guys think.

22. Colt 45 introduces Bottoms Up: the adult game for adults.

Sure it's a blatant way to sell sex and drinking. But still, drinking games are terrible. All they do is encourage irresponsible binging which leads to health problems and dependency issues. At worst it can kill you. It's not cool. It's not glamorous. It's not sexy. Period.

Sure it’s a blatant way to sell sex and drinking. But still, drinking games are terrible. All they do is encourage irresponsible binging which leads to health problems and dependency issues. At worst it can kill you. It’s not cool. It’s not glamorous. It’s not sexy. Period.

23. For your Christmas booze, always choose Johnnie Walker.

Uh, Johnnie, can you not come in? Seriously, your old timey, theme park, monocled face is scaring the hell out of me. Hell, I'm getting nightmares looking at you already.

Uh, Johnnie, can you not come in? Seriously, your old timey, theme park, monocled face is scaring the hell out of me. Hell, I’m getting nightmares looking at you already. Seems more like a home invasion threat to me.

24. “Nothing washes 8 hours of stupid questions out of your mouth like Old Pebkar.”

Yeah, because he's so drunk that he can't even remember them. Also, I'm sure Old Pebkar will give him 8 more hours of stupid questions to ask. Examples are: Where am I? Who are you? What did I do last night? What happened last night? How much did I drink? Was I driving?

Yeah, because he’s so drunk that he can’t even remember them. Also, I’m sure Old Pebkar will give him 8 more hours of stupid questions to ask. Examples are: Where am I? Who are you? What did I do last night? What happened last night? How much did I drink? Was I driving? Will I get arrested? Did I kill anybody?

25. “You can take a White Horse anywhere.”

However, remember that they're talking about an alcoholic beverage and not a literal white horse here. Let's just say having a real white horse at a fancy restaurant or dinner table can get quite awkward. Also, I think the horse is rather bored stiff and might leave a special surprise on the floor.

However, remember that they’re talking about an alcoholic beverage and not a literal white horse here. Let’s just say having a real white horse at a fancy restaurant or dinner table can get quite awkward. Also, I think the horse is rather bored stiff and might leave a special surprise on the floor.

26. “Mummy always chose my clothes until I discovered Smirnoff.”

Seems like Smirnoff tried to sell feminism to women by getting a picture of some sleazy Tae Kwon Do center. Notice that the woman is pretty and is showing cleavage. Of course, when she has too much Smirnoff at a party, I'm sure her karate skills won't be as much use to her as her designated driver.

Seems like Smirnoff tried to sell feminism to women by getting a picture of some sleazy Tae Kwon Do center. Notice that the woman is pretty and is showing cleavage. Of course, when she has too much Smirnoff at a party, I’m sure her karate skills won’t be as much use to her as her designated driver.

27. “Relax, honey, at least I saved the beer.”

Yeah, but I really think the whole romantic canoe trip is now ruined since it turned over. I'm sure his wife ain't happy that all her best clothes are now soaked. And it doesn't help that they're dry clean only.

Yeah, but I really think the whole romantic canoe trip is now ruined since it turned over. I’m sure his wife ain’t happy that all her best clothes are now soaked. And it doesn’t help that they’re dry clean only.

28. “Look, honey! No hands!”

I'm sure this guy is like,

I’m sure this guy is like, “Well, that’s my girl!” Yeah, he seems to find the perfect woman who’s pretty and waits on him hand and foot. Not to mention, she also drinks Budweiser.

29. During a bear encounter, nothing helps like Old Smuggler.

Then again, if a bear came that close to me, I might feel like I need a drink, too. But just because you feel like drinking when facing a bear doesn't mean you should. Then again, I wonder if bears pass out after having a drinks. I'd like to see that.

Then again, if a bear came that close to me, I might feel like I need a drink, too. But just because you feel like drinking when facing a bear doesn’t mean you should. Then again, I wonder if bears pass out after having a drinks. I’d like to see that.

30. Have a Smirnoff…..in space.

Houston, we might have a problem. Seriously, neither of these two are in space suits. Also, I think that bottle of Smirnoff is floating away in the vastness of space. Oh, and I think the astronaut really wants to tell these two to stop partying now.

Houston, we might have a problem. Seriously, neither of these two are in space suits. Also, I think that bottle of Smirnoff is floating away in the vastness of space. Oh, and I think the astronaut really wants to tell these two to stop partying now.

31. Cutty Sark: Scotch for the gladiators.

I highly doubt that Cutty Sark Scotch existed in Ancient Rome, though gladiator product endorsements certainly did. However, the dead animals in the arena wouldn't go well with PETA. This is especially since a Minnesota dentist killed Cecil the Lion.

I highly doubt that Cutty Sark Scotch existed in Ancient Rome, though gladiator product endorsements certainly did. However, the dead animals in the arena wouldn’t go well with PETA. This is especially since a Minnesota dentist killed Cecil the Lion.

32. Income taxes due? Have a Worthington!

This is a British ad. However, please do your income taxes before you drink. Not after or during. Or else you might get audited. Yeah, getting drunk during tax time, good idea (sarcasm).

This is a British ad. However, please do your income taxes before you drink. Not after or during. Or else you might get audited. Yeah, getting drunk during tax time, good idea (sarcasm).

33. Walt Whitman receives a bottle of Old Crow from an admirer.

And it seems that his maid has an unrequited crush on him. Sorry, lady, but the real Walt Whitman was undoubtedly gay. I mean have you ever read,

And it seems that his maid has an unrequited crush on him. Sorry, lady, but the real Walt Whitman was undoubtedly gay. I mean have you ever read, “I Sing the Body Eclectic?” Yeah, I know that Maurice Minnifield would feel the same as you.

34. “In the war of oranges, Smirnoff is neutral.”

For some reason, having women in such a pose like this makes absolutely no sense. I think whoever must've come up with this ad was probably drunk off his ass. Seriously, why?

For some reason, having women in such a pose like this makes absolutely no sense. I think whoever must’ve come up with this ad was probably drunk off his ass. Seriously, why?

35. Take a break from chopping the tree with Petri Wine.

Yes, he may be a very busy beaver. But he's also a very dumb beaver. I'm sure he's really not compromising his safety (sarcasm). Yeah, hate to see it when that tree falls on top of him.

Yes, he may be a very busy beaver. But he’s also a very dumb beaver. I’m sure he’s really not compromising his safety (sarcasm). Yeah, hate to see it when that tree falls on top of him.

36. “Wolfschmidt has the secret of making real vodka.”

Uh, I think tying a dog's mouth shut qualifies as cruelty to animals. Seriously, I'm sure that's way inhumane. Then again, I might want to check with the Humane Society or the ASPCA on that one.

Uh, I think tying a dog’s mouth shut qualifies as cruelty to animals. Seriously, I’m sure that’s way inhumane. Then again, I might want to check with the Humane Society or the ASPCA on that one.

37. “Don’t worry, honey. I’ll make Thanksgiving dinner while you can enjoy a nice cold beer with your friends.”

Yeah, let the women do all the cooking, you misogynist pigs. Seriously, you could help her snap green beans. It's not hard. Then again, it was a different time.

Yeah, let the women do all the cooking, you misogynist pigs. Seriously, you could help her snap green beans. It’s not hard. Then again, it was a different time.

38. Nothing makes a better kiddie drink than Rainier Beer. Just look at the happy kids frolicking around a giant beer bottle.

Yeah, Rainier Beer, the pure drink essential to healthy growth. I mean this Seattle brewing company is selling booze as a healthy drink for kids. Let's just say as far as kiddie drinks go, alcohol is the last thing you want to give your kids.

Yeah, Rainier Beer, the pure drink essential to healthy growth. I mean this Seattle brewing company is selling booze as a healthy drink for kids. Let’s just say as far as kiddie drinks go, alcohol is the last thing you want to give your kids.

39. “I’m as sure of myself on the court…as I am when choosing scotch.”

Because this pornstached tennis player really doesn't have a lot of confidence when it comes to public speaking. I mean he doesn't seem that he's ready to give a presentation unless he has some Catto scotch.

Because this pornstached tennis player really doesn’t have a lot of confidence when it comes to public speaking. I mean he doesn’t seem that he’s ready to give a presentation unless he has some Catto scotch.

40. During yellow fever season, nothing is better than Smirnoff.

Uh, do these guys have any idea that naming their drink yellow fever is a terrible idea. I mean when I hear of

Uh, do these guys have any idea that naming their drink yellow fever is a terrible idea? I mean when I hear of “yellow fever season” I sure as hell don’t imagine a couple lounging around in mosquito infested waters drinking vodka. Instead, I think of a mosquito transmitted disease that caused epidemics in the American South and actually killed people.

41. Schenley Whiskey: The preferred hard liquor for tax accountants.

Of course, these guys can really use a drink. I mean they spend all their unhappy, pathetic days balancing the books for those who don't appreciate it. All while harboring dreams of either becoming a Broadway producer or a lion tamer.

Of course, these guys can really use a drink. I mean they spend all their unhappy, pathetic days balancing the books for those who don’t appreciate it. All while harboring dreams of either becoming a Broadway producer or a lion tamer.

42. “Okay, Scruffy, but this is the last one.”

Even the dogs like Schlitz Beer. Then again, maybe the dog is just getting beer for his master because the guy's wife is busy gardening.

Even the dogs like Schlitz Beer. Then again, maybe the dog is just getting beer for his master because the guy’s wife is busy gardening.

43. Of course, it wasn’t unusual for a man to get a beer while mowing the lawn.

Yeah, drinking beer while mowing the lawn. Smart idea (sarcasm). Of course, I say I didn't warn you when you run your tractor into that telephone pole in your neighbor's yard.

Yeah, drinking beer while mowing the lawn. Smart idea (sarcasm). Of course, I say I didn’t warn you when you run your tractor into that telephone pole in your neighbor’s yard.

44. Remember, Fleishmann’s Whiskey is a big buy!

If I saw a guy with a whiskey bottle that big, I wouldn't be smiling with glee. Rather I'd be like,

If I saw a guy with a whiskey bottle that big, I wouldn’t be smiling with glee. Rather I’d be like, “He needs help. He might have a drinking problem.” Wonder if he should go to AA.

45. Remember, always have a nip before you dip.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I'm sure being wasted won't prevent you from being eaten by sharks. Just saying.

Drinking before a swim. Good idea. Not. Still, I’m sure being wasted won’t prevent you from being eaten by sharks, especially if you’re drinking rum. Just saying.

46. Remember, real men drink Steel vodka while they’re working.

Now this ad makes me really distrust PennDOT. Not sure why. Must be the sign. Still, drinking vodka while working really doesn't help job performance, especially if you have a dangerous occupation.

Now this ad makes me really distrust PennDOT. Not sure why. Must be the sign. Still, drinking vodka while working really doesn’t help job performance, especially if you have a dangerous occupation.

47. “Honey, can you take some beer out of the fridge to make room for the groceries?”

Ladies, when you come home to a fridge like that, ask your husband if he's planning a party or a tailgate. If he's not, then you might want to consider packing your bags, taking the kids, and getting a divorce. Because, ladies, no one needs a alcoholic in their life. And believe me, I personally know a few.

Ladies, when you come home to a fridge like that, ask your husband if he’s planning a party or a tailgate. If he’s not, then you might want to consider packing your bags, taking the kids, and getting a divorce. Because, ladies, no one needs a alcoholic in their life. And believe me, I personally know a few.

48. Who knew that Four Roses was the preferred drink of Frosty the Snowman?

Seems like Frosty isn't the happy snowman most people thought he was. Guess he's turning to booze to drown his sorrows about his imminent mortality. We call it,

Seems like Frosty isn’t the happy snowman most people thought he was. Guess he’s turning to booze to drown his sorrows about his imminent mortality. We call it, “spring.”

49. Colonial Pelican wants you to try some good old fashioned Mount Vernon Whiskey: The drink for the men in the locker room.

George Washington actually did get in the whiskey business at Mount Vernon after his presidency. I've actually been to the distillery myself actually. It was a success in the first couple years. But then Washington died in 1799 and his nephew drove the works into the ground. Still, I'd find the notion of a pelican in 18th century clothes serving whiskey in a men's locker room really unsettling.

George Washington actually did get in the whiskey business at Mount Vernon after his presidency. I’ve actually been to the distillery myself actually. It was a success in the first couple years. But then Washington died in 1799 and his nephew drove the works into the ground. Still, I’d find the notion of a pelican in 18th century clothes serving whiskey in a men’s locker room really unsettling.

50. Now this is Schenley Whiskey’s portrait of a “two car man.”

Who's on a bicycle because he basically wrecked them both in a ditch while on a bender. Heard he got his license revoked when the authorities caught up with him. But he's still got two casks of whiskey in his bike basket. Hope it was worth it. Because I don't think he'll ever drive again.

Who’s on a bicycle because he basically wrecked them both in a ditch while on a bender. Heard he got his license revoked when the authorities caught up with him. But he’s still got two casks of whiskey in his bike basket. Hope it was worth it. Because I don’t think he’ll ever drive again.

51. Smirnoff: The vodka for mental patients.

Never fly a personal helicopter, especially while drinking. Seriously, it's not worth it particularly on vodka. Also, those clothes are hideous.

Never fly a personal helicopter, especially while drinking. Seriously, it’s not worth it particularly on vodka. Also, those clothes are hideous.

52. How to hit on a girl while on Captain Morgan: “Go up to a girl and whisper Yo-ho-ho.”

Hate to break it to you, fellas. But if you try to pick me up on this ad's advice, I swear to God you'd be lucky to leave the premises with Captain Morgan all over your face. Seriously, I despise such pick up lines and find them insulting to my intelligence. If you want to pick up women, just come up and break the ice in a respectful and courteous manner.

Hate to break it to you, fellas. But if you try to pick me up on this ad’s advice, I swear to God you’d be lucky to leave the premises with Captain Morgan all over your face. Seriously, I despise such pick up lines and find them insulting to my intelligence. If you want to pick up women, just come up and break the ice in a respectful and courteous manner.

53. PM Whiskey is known for its clear, clean taste.

Yes, this is an ad that's geared toward men. However, the cutesy rabbit in this ad sort of hints that it's being targeted to 8 year olds. Seriously, who the hell puts a cute, little, carrot munching rabbit in a whiskey ad? I mean why?

Yes, this is an ad that’s geared toward men. However, the cutesy rabbit in this ad sort of hints that it’s being targeted to 8 year olds. Seriously, who the hell puts a cute, little, carrot munching rabbit in a whiskey ad? I mean why?

54.With Kinsey Whiskey, you might discover how the “Rumpus Room” got its name.

Yeah, a brand of whiskey that shares a name with a famous sexologist, a bunch of men drinking, and a place called the "rumpus room." Don't see anything gay about that. Wait, I kind of do.

Yeah, a brand of whiskey that shares a name with a famous sexologist (who was probably bisexual), a bunch of men drinking, and a place called the “rumpus room.” Probably contains disturbing incidents involving anything long and hard.

55. Cream of Kentucky: The whiskey with the taste deranged old men prefer.

If you can't leave him alone with the kids, don't give him booze. In fact, if I were next to this guy, I'd ask to be seated elsewhere like as far away from him as possible.

If you can’t leave him alone with the kids, don’t give him booze. In fact, if I were next to this guy, I’d ask to be seated elsewhere like as far away from him as possible.

56. For dinner, always have Kaiser Stuhl with chicken.

I don't know about you. But while we're supposed to see a couple getting intimate, I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn't seem to be at all comfortable in this situation. Guess she's having a drink to get through it.

We’re supposed to see a couple getting intimate. I see a blonde woman being creeped out by being touched by her significantly older and terrifying date. She doesn’t seem to be at all comfortable in this situation that she clearly regrets consenting to. Guess she’s having a drink to get through it all and hope he doesn’t call afterwards.

57. Dry Sack: “The change of pace drink that’s second to none.” It’s said that 9 out of 10 men prefer it.

If you're into Urban Dictionary, you might see why this ad is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, I wonder how many people from there find a Dry Sack refreshing.

If you’re into Urban Dictionary, you might see why this ad is unintentionally hilarious. Yeah, I wonder how many people from there find a Dry Sack refreshing.

58. “Give her a Romantico Black Eye….she’ll love it!”

To be fair, this is a gin, which doesn't make its unintentional recommendation for domestic abuse any less disturbing. I mean gin is basically the worst alcoholic drink for you, especially when taken straight. Seriously, why name a drink "Black Eye" and suggest that a woman would love it? There's nothing romantic about black eyes whatsoever. Did these people ever hear of focus groups?

To be fair, this is a gin, which doesn’t make its unintentional recommendation for domestic abuse any less disturbing. I mean gin is basically the worst alcoholic drink for you, especially when taken straight. Seriously, why name a drink “Black Eye” and suggest that a woman would love it? There’s nothing romantic about black eyes whatsoever. Did these people ever hear of focus groups?

59. “The first thing I noticed was her big mouth.”

Maybe, but he must've thought the rest of her was sensational. Still, this is a horrible ad in more ways than one as well as an example of female sexual objectification. I mean removing her head in this photo just reduces her to a set of body parts. And the slogan doesn't hold her in a good light.

Maybe, but he must’ve thought the rest of her was sensational. Still, this is a horrible ad in more ways than one as well as an example of female sexual objectification. I mean removing her head in this photo just reduces her to a set of body parts. And the slogan doesn’t hold her in a good light.

60. Get the summer body you want with Schlitz.

Man, out of all the ways people try to lose weight, who would've thought that drinking Schlitz beer would've made all the difference? Oh, wait a minute, beer isn't known to be a weight loss drink at all. In fact, quite the contrary. Somebody better call this ad out for false advertising.

Man, out of all the ways people try to lose weight, who would’ve thought that drinking Schlitz beer would’ve made all the difference? Oh, wait a minute, beer isn’t known to be a weight loss drink at all. In fact, quite the contrary. Somebody better call this ad out for false advertising.

61. Cutty Sark Scotch: “Here’s to the gut feelings and those who still follow them.”

By "gut feelings" do they mean intuition, ulcers, appendicitis, or other digestion problems? Because if it ain't intuition, you might need to see a doctor and perhaps quit drinking. By the way, the guy in this picture is Ted Turner, onetime husband to Jane Fonda and founder of CNN. One of is a dishonor for the American nation in one of the most idiotic ways possible while the other released a series of fitness videos.

By “gut feelings” do they mean intuition, ulcers, appendicitis, or other digestion problems? Because if it ain’t intuition, you might need to see a doctor and perhaps quit drinking. By the way, the guy in this picture is Ted Turner, onetime husband to Jane Fonda and founder of CNN.

62. “Apples for health so….Bulmer’s for me.”

I'm not sure that's what "an apple a day" means. And I'm pretty sure drinking cider won't keep the doctor away, eventually. However, interestingly enough, Johnny Appleseed would've partially agreed with him because apple trees were originally cultivated to make booze.

I’m not sure that’s what “an apple a day” means. And I’m pretty sure drinking cider won’t keep the doctor away, eventually. However, interestingly enough, Johnny Appleseed would’ve partially agreed with him because apple trees were originally cultivated to make booze.

63. For the highest on your list, choose wild turkey. After all, turkeys can’t fly without whiskey.

Actually, contrary to its domestic counterparts, wild turkeys can fly and pretty fast. I've seen this, by the way. However, wild turkeys don't soar several miles over the Rocky Mountain landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. They usually don't fly higher than trees and most of them don't live west of the Rockies.

Actually, contrary to its domestic counterparts, wild turkeys can fly and pretty fast. I’ve seen this, by the way. However, wild turkeys don’t soar several miles over the Rocky Mountain landscapes of the Pacific Northwest. They usually don’t fly higher than trees (or a quarter of a mile off the ground) and most of them don’t live west of the Rockies.

64. Merry Christmas from the Scotch turkey.

Uh, turkeys are native to North America. So why have it on an ad for scotch dressed in a kilt really doesn't make any sense to me. Dressing it as an Indian for Thanksgiving would've been more appropriate.

Uh, turkeys are native to North America. So why have it on an ad for scotch dressed in a kilt really doesn’t make any sense to me. Dressing it as an Indian for Thanksgiving would’ve been more appropriate. Also, I don’t think the turkey looks too happy.

65. Myers’ Rum: The drink for people you don’t want to meet in a dark alley.

Now I don't know about you but this looks like the kind of man with a mysterious and dangerous past. And by that I mean he's probably employed by the mafia or has gained notoriety as your local neighborhood serial killer. If not, then the guy at the bar who'd send you to places like ER or ICU. If he's got a woman, then he'd be insanely possessive and controlling of her that one look at her and God help you. Yeah, I'd stay away from him if I were you.

Now I don’t know about you but this looks like the kind of man with a mysterious and dangerous past. And by that I mean he’s probably employed by the mafia or has gained notoriety as your local neighborhood serial killer. If not, then the guy at the bar who’d send you to places like ER or ICU. If he’s got a woman, then he’d be insanely possessive and controlling of her that one look at her and God help you. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

66. Colt 45: The preferred drink for outer space and the future.

Now I'm sure the those spacesuits would be rejected by NASA in less than 3 seconds flat. Besides, I'm sure that they were Bob Fosse's rejected costume designs for Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Now I’m sure the those spacesuits would be rejected by NASA in less than 3 seconds flat. Besides, I’m sure that they were Bob Fosse’s rejected costume designs for Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey.

67. Pinch Scotch: the signature drink of scary cartoon ladies.

Actually since this woman seems to inspire more nightmares than Helena Bonham Carter, I think I'll take a pass at whatever she's serving. Also, I don't think she's very happy either.

Actually since this woman seems to inspire more nightmares than Helena Bonham Carter, I think I’ll take a pass at whatever she’s serving. Also, I don’t think she’s very happy either.

68. Remember, ladies, the girl who brings the booze gets the most dudes.

And she's pouring glasses for 3 different guys. And as long as she doesn't run out, she'll have to pour glasses for plenty more. Then again, I'm sure they want to look at her, too. After all, no guy wants to get booze from an woman who's not attractive.

And she’s pouring glasses for 3 different guys. And as long as she doesn’t run out, she’ll have to pour glasses for plenty more. Then again, I’m sure they want to look at her, too. After all, no guy wants to get booze from an woman who’s not attractive.

69. As Smirnoff says, women should always look their best before going into outer space.

Sorry, but I don't think this is the kind of hairdo that can hold up in zero gravity unless you're talking about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Also, I think it doesn't fit with NASA hair style guidelines either.

Sorry, but I don’t think this is the kind of hairdo that can hold up in zero gravity unless you’re talking about 2001: A Space Odyssey. Also, I think it doesn’t fit with NASA hair style guidelines either.

70. Try something better with J & B Rare Scotch.

From how I see it, the kind of song that defines this couple seems to be Neil Diamond's "Love on the Rocks." Then again, they're probably Kristen Stewart's parents and are always like that 24/7.

From how I see it, the kind of song that defines this couple seems to be Neil Diamond’s “Love on the Rocks.” Then again, they’re probably Kristen Stewart’s parents and are always like that 24/7.

The Early Lives of Celebrities in Pictures

Posted by historymaniacmegan on
Me and my sister at some park swing set in 1994. Now I'm not a celebrity by any stretch of the imagination. But I just thought this photo was appropriate. That's all.

Me with my mom and my sister, Molly at some park swing set in 1994. Now I’m not a celebrity by any stretch of the imagination. But I just thought this photo was appropriate to open this post. That’s all.

As human beings, while there are hundreds of ways to die, we all pretty much start our lives the same way. Obviously, all of us start our lives as babies and progress through childhood. And let’s just say, celebrities are no different. Yes, they’re famous and live more affluent lives than we do. Yes, they tend to be targets of the paparazzi and tabloids. Yes, they even get stories about them in the newspaper. But like you and me, we tend to forget that the rich and famous did start out as children. Still, when you look at some of their pictures, it’s pretty interesting. This is particularly the case in some of these old baby pictures when you even see boys wearing dresses. Now in this post, I present to you an assortment of photos of well-known celebrities. Some of them you will know while others you may not. Some of them are currently dead while others may be very much alive and might not want me to show them for fear of embarrassment.Now by “celebrity” I tend to include anyone who’s famous, not just people you see in Hollywood or in the entertainment industry. So without further adieu, here are some childhood pictures of celebrities in their early lives.

  1. Cat Stevens
Now Cat Stevens looks quite spiffy as an English schoolboy than the kind of folk rock singer-songwriter he'd become in the 1970s. He'd also be known for converting to Islam later on and changing his name to Yusuf Islam. Then again, he was the son of a Greek Cypriot and a Swede.

Now Cat Stevens looks quite spiffy as an English schoolboy than the kind of folk rock singer-songwriter he’d become in the 1970s. He’d also be known for converting to Islam later on and changing his name to Yusuf Islam. Then again, he was the son of a Greek Cypriot and a Swede.

2. Charles Boyer

Awwww. He's such an adorable little French baby. Of course, it's hard to imagine this little guy growing up to be Ingrid Bergman's psychological abusing husband in Gaslight. He was also an inspiration for Pepe le Pew, by the way.

Awwww. He’s such an adorable little French baby. Of course, it’s hard to imagine this little guy growing up to be Ingrid Bergman’s psychological abusing husband in Gaslight. He was also an inspiration for Pepe le Pew, by the way.

3. Salma Hayek

Of course, even as a baby she knew she was destined to be a star. Also, I love the bow in her hair.

Of course, even as a baby she knew she was beautiful enough for the camera. Also, I love the bow in her hair. So cute.

4. Stephen King

Just a little kid in the park. You know the kind of little boy who'd grow up to have a really demented imagination. Still, even as a little tyke he has that signature smile.

Just a little kid in the park. You know the kind of little boy who’d grow up to have a really demented imagination. Still, even as a little tyke he has that signature smile.

5. Rudyard Kipling

Judging how they dressed boys in those days, I guess he's probably old enough to attend grade school. Yet, he's so distinguished in his little suit. Of course, he'd later wear glasses, grow a mustache, and go bald. Still, he's best known for his literary output on India during the Raj.

Judging how they dressed boys in those days, I guess he’s probably old enough to attend grade school. Yet, he’s so distinguished in his little suit. Of course, he’d later wear glasses, grow a mustache, and go bald. Still, he’s best known for his literary output on India during the Raj.

6. Bob Dylan

This is him while he was 3 years old and known as Robert Zimmerman. However, not sure if his dipes, they need a-changin' or not.

This is the famed singer-songwriter while he was 3 years old and known as Robert Zimmerman from Minnesota. However, not sure if his dipes, they need a-changin’ or not. Also, not sure how he sounded like but let’s just say he’s not praised for his vocals. Besides, I don’t think he wants to go to Maggie’s Farm no more.

7. Henry Ford

Can't believe this little boy in the ruffle and funny hat would grow up to become one of the most influential innovators in history. I mean he came up with the auto assembly line with the Model T and established the Ford Motor Company. Also was a noted anti-Semite though.

Can’t believe this little boy in the ruffle and funny hat would grow up to become one of the most influential innovators in history. I mean he came up with the auto assembly line with the Model T and established the Ford Motor Company. Also was a noted anti-Semite though.

8. Angelina Jolie

Well, she might be blond but she does have the lips. Still, this little girl is bound to grow up to be one of the prettiest stars in Hollywood today. She'd also adopt a bunch of kids and have a few with Brad Pitt.

Well, she might be blond but she does have the lips. Still, this little girl is bound to grow up to be one of the prettiest stars in Hollywood today. She’d also adopt a bunch of kids and have a few with Brad Pitt.

9. Adele

Now this little lady will soon grow up to be a Grammy Award winning singer/songwriter best known for her sultry voice. Would also do the theme song for Skyfall. Still, this photo is suffering from serious red eye here.

Now this little lady will soon grow up to be a Grammy Award winning singer/songwriter best known for her sultry voice. Would also do the theme song for Skyfall. Still, this photo is suffering from serious red eye here.

10. Christopher Walken

Sure he's a kid at this time but he's actually quite cute. However, adult Christopher Walken is better known for his scratchy New York accented voice as well as looking quite haggard and creepy.

Sure he’s a kid at this time but he’s actually quite cute. However, adult Christopher Walken is better known for his scratchy New York accented voice as well as looking quite haggard and creepy.

11. Tina Fey

Well, she has the scar on her face. However, she also may be sporting a mullet from what I can tell from this picture. Of course, it really does look like her.

Well, she has the scar on her face. However, she also may be sporting a mullet from what I can tell from this picture. Of course, it really does look like her.

12. Barbara Stanwyck

Of course, it doesn't quite look like Barbara as we know here. However, she's also known to have a really shitty childhood with her mom being killed by a drunk driver and her dad deserting the family. She was also placed in a series of foster homes as well.

Of course, it doesn’t quite look like Barbara as we know here. However, she’s also known to have a really shitty childhood with her mom being killed by a drunk driver and her dad deserting the family. She was also placed in a series of foster homes as well.

13. Jennifer Lopez

Normally, when I hear about J. Lo, an image of a little girl in a dress and braid loops doesn't really come to mind. I'm not sure why. Still, this is an adorable picture.

Normally, when I hear about J. Lo, an image of a little girl in a dress and braid loops doesn’t really come to mind. I’m not sure why. Still, this is an adorable picture.

14. Harry S. Truman

Yes, this is baby Harry Truman who'd later grow up to become one of the most wise ass presidents of the United States. Of course, at this moment he's basically dropping atomic bombs in his diapers (metaphorically speaking, of course).

Yes, this is baby Harry Truman who’d later grow up to become one of the most wise ass presidents of the United States. Of course, at this moment he’s basically dropping atomic bombs in his diapers (metaphorically speaking, of course).

15. Robert Pattinson

For some reason, he kind of reminds me of my cousin. Well, at least the blond hair. Still, he's much cuter than the pale, emotionally abusive, creepy, and one-dimensional vampire he'd become famous for.

For some reason, he kind of reminds me of my cousin. Well, at least the blond hair. Still, he’s much cuter than the pale, emotionally abusive, creepy, and one-dimensional vampire he’d become famous for.

16. Vincent Price

Yes, he was a rich boy as you see in this picture. But he'd soon become one of the most famous horror movie legends of all time with his distinctive, creepy voice. He's also Tim Burton's hero.

Yes, he was a rich boy as you see in this picture. But he’d soon become one of the most famous horror movie legends of all time with his distinctive, creepy voice. He’s also Tim Burton’s hero.

17. Betty White

Even then she had the dimples. Of course, Betty White was also famous for a pioneer in television. But you probably know her as a funny old lady from the Golden Girls.

Even then she had the dimples. Of course, Betty White was also famous for a pioneer in television. But you probably know her as a funny old lady from the Golden Girls.

18. Lenny Kravitz

Seated with his mother so she could make sure that he doesn't split his coveralls while standing up. It's also funny if you consider the fact he wore gold mascara as Jennifer Lawrence's fashion designer on The Hunger Games.

Seated with his mother so she could make sure that he doesn’t split his coveralls while standing up. It’s also funny if you consider the fact he wore gold mascara as Jennifer Lawrence’s fashion designer on The Hunger Games.

19. The Sundance Kid

Pictured with his dad who doesn't seem very affectionate here. Of course, this little tyke from Pennsylvania will go on to have a life of crime out west, die in South America, and be played by Robert Redford. Yes, a true American outlaw legend.

Pictured with his dad who doesn’t seem very affectionate here. Of course, this little tyke from Pennsylvania will go on to have a life of crime out west, die in South America, and be played by Robert Redford. Yes, a true American outlaw legend.

20. Ernest Hemingway

Something tells me that this little boy didn't seem to care too much about wearing frilly dresses. Guess it's because he'd grow up to lead a life doing all kinds of men's stuff like going to war, hunting big game in Africa, watching a bullfight, getting drunk in Paris, screwing a bunch of women, being married 4 times, and committing suicide in Idaho.

Something tells me that this little boy didn’t seem to care too much about wearing frilly dresses. Guess it’s because he’d grow up to lead a life doing all kinds of men’s stuff like going to war, hunting big game in Africa, watching a bullfight, getting drunk in Paris, screwing a bunch of women, being married 4 times, and committing suicide in Idaho. I’d like to page Dr. Freud to determine whether this little guy spent the rest of his life compensating for something.

21. Martha Stewart

When she grows up, she'll become a domestic diva as well as a convicted felon. But right now, isn't she so adorable? Wouldn't you just love to see her in the kitchen or making crafts?

When she grows up, she’ll become a domestic diva as well as a convicted felon. But right now, isn’t she so adorable? Wouldn’t you just love to see her in the kitchen or making crafts? But hold onto your wallet.

22. David Bowie

Who knew that this little diaper filler will go on to become a recording artist known to wear outrageous outfits during the 1970s. Also played the Goblin King in a movie where he wore skin tight leather pants.

Who knew that this little diaper filler will go on to become a recording artist known to wear outrageous outfits during the 1970s, in which he performed as Ziggy Stardust. Also played the Goblin King in a movie where he wore skin tight leather pants.

23. Bruce Willis

Enjoy that blond hair while it lasts little guy. Because like your marriage to Demi Moore, it'll be gone before you know it. Luckily your action movie career shows that you'll embrace the change.

Enjoy that blond hair while it lasts little guy. Because like your marriage to Demi Moore, it’ll be gone before you know it. Luckily your action movie career shows that you’ll embrace the change.

24. Neil Young

Now I hate to say this but he was certainly one ugly kid while growing up. Besides, his teeth are kind of freaky. Still, at least he'll grow up to sometimes join Crosby, Stills, and Nash as well as write a bunch of great songs as a solo artist.

Now I hate to say this but he was certainly one ugly kid while growing up. Besides, his teeth are kind of freaky. Still, at least he’ll grow up to sometimes join Crosby, Stills, and Nash as well as write a bunch of great songs as a solo artist. His voice, however, is something to be desired.

25. Conan O’Brien

For some reason, I'm not surprised that Conan was the red haired kid with freckles while growing up. Still, he needs to watch out for the local big bully, Jay Leno who'd give him the chance of hosting a late night show before taking it away from him. Yes, he got screwed big time.

For some reason, I’m not surprised that Conan was the red haired kid with freckles while growing up. Still, he needs to watch out for the local big bully, Jay Leno who’d give him the chance of hosting a late night show before taking it away from him. Yes, he got screwed big time.

26. Jane Goodall

Now here's the little lady with her toy chimpanzee, which is so adorable. Little did we know that it would amount to a lifetime of studying chimpanzees in the wild in Africa.

Now here’s the little lady with her toy chimpanzee, which is so adorable. Little did we know that it would amount to a lifetime of studying chimpanzees in the wild in Africa.

27. Cary Grant

Who knew that the man we associate with classiness would start out as some poor boy from Bristol? Of course, Grant would also have a pretty rotten childhood in which his dad put his mom in a loony bin so he could shack up with his girlfriend. Yeah, little Archie Leach didn't have an easy life and left home for Vaudeville at 14.

Who knew that the man we associate with classiness would start out as some poor English boy from Bristol? Of course, Grant would also have a pretty rotten childhood in which his dad put his mom in a loony bin so he could shack up with his girlfriend. Yeah, little Archie Leach didn’t have an easy life and left home for Vaudeville at 14. He also had a Cockney accent, by the way.

28. Jimmy Fallon

Now this little boy doesn't seem camera shy in the slightest. Of course, it's funny how my dad thought he wouldn't amount to anything after he left SNL. Boy, he didn't seem to bet on him hosting Late Night or the Tonight Show. Loved how he turned the theme of Reading Rainbow into a stoner anthem.

Now this little boy doesn’t seem camera shy in the slightest. Of course, it’s funny how my dad thought he wouldn’t amount to anything after he left SNL. Boy, he didn’t seem to bet on him hosting Late Night or the Tonight Show. Loved how he turned the theme of Reading Rainbow into a stoner anthem.

29. Justin Bieber

Yes, he's adorable as a teddy bear. But when he grows up, chances are unless you're preteen to teenage girl, you're probably not going to like him. This is especially the case when he does a lot of other obnoxious things.

Yes, he’s adorable as a teddy bear. But when he grows up, chances are unless you’re preteen to teenage girl, you’re probably not going to like him. This is especially the case when he does a lot of other obnoxious things.

30. Gerald Ford

At the time, he was known as Leslie Lynch King Jr. Of course, his parents would split up and his mom married a much better man who adopted him and gave him his name. That man was Gerald Ford. Still, he'd go on to play college football and pardon Richard Nixon. Nevertheless, I think he's adorable in his little dress.

At the time, he was known as Leslie Lynch King Jr. Of course, his parents would split up and his mom married a much better man who adopted him and gave him his name. That man was Gerald Ford. Still, he’d go on to play college football and pardon Richard Nixon. Nevertheless, I think he’s adorable in his little dress and playing his accordion.

31. James Cagney

Can't believe that this little boy in frills and stroller would grow up to play gangsters at Warner Brothers. Then again, he did play George M. Cohan in Yankee Doodle Dandy. Still, I don't think he looks too happy.

Can’t believe that this little boy in frills and stroller would grow up to play gangsters at Warner Brothers. Then again, he did play George M. Cohan in Yankee Doodle Dandy. Still, I don’t think he looks too happy.

32. Eric Clapton

When he grows up, he's going to become one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time as well as steal George Harrison's first wife, Patti Boyd. Will also be inducted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame 3 time as part of the Yard Birds, Cream, and as a solo artist.

When he grows up, he’s going to become one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time as well as steal George Harrison’s first wife, Patti Boyd. Will also be inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame 3 time as part of the Yard Birds, Cream, and as a solo artist.

33. Kanye West

Of course, this little boy will soon become an obnoxious rapper who will interrupt Taylor Swift's awards speech at the VMAs. He'd also marry Kim Kardashian and name his daughter North. But isn't he so adorable in that clown hat?

Of course, this little boy will soon become an obnoxious rapper who will interrupt Taylor Swift’s awards speech at the VMAs. He’d also marry Kim Kardashian and name his daughter North. But isn’t he so adorable in that clown hat?

34. Mohandas K. Gandhi

Yes, this is the future Mahatma as a 4 year old boy in India. I'm sure his idea of passive resistance won't work for him when it comes to afternoon naps. Because India tends to be a rather hot place.

Yes, this is the future Mahatma as a 4 year old boy in India. I’m sure his idea of passive resistance won’t work for him when it comes to afternoon naps. Because India tends to be a rather hot place.

35. Billy Joel

Yes, this is the little Piano Man himself without his two front teeth. Of course, he'll grow up as a well as endure moments when he crashes cars into houses. Will also be married to Christie Brinkley during the 1980s.

Yes, this is the little Piano Man himself without his two front teeth. Of course, he’ll grow up as a well as endure moments when he crashes cars into houses. Will also be married to Christie Brinkley during the 1980s.

36. Leonardo DiCaprio

Yes, that's Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, he was a kid in the 1970s so his parents probably thought that hairstyle was cute. Of course, he'd end up becoming a star after Titanic. But he should've been nominated for Django Unchained.

Yes, that’s Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, he was a kid in the 1970s so his parents probably thought that hairstyle was cute. Of course, he’d end up becoming a star after Titanic. But he should’ve been nominated for Django Unchained.

37. The Dalai Lama

Of course, unlike many of the celebrities on this list, he assumed his position when he was still in diapers. Of course, he wouldn't stay in Tibet for long due to the rise of Chinese who forced him to flee to India.

Of course, unlike many of the celebrities on this list, he assumed his position when he was still in diapers. Of course, he wouldn’t stay in Tibet for long due to the rise of Chinese who forced him to flee to India.

38. Miley Cyrus

Sorry I couldn't find a baby picture of her on a wrecking ball, which would've been so adorable. Still, this is as close as I could get.

Sorry I couldn’t find a baby picture of her on a wrecking ball, which would’ve been so adorable. Still, this is as close as I could get.

39. F. Scott Fitzgerald

Some of you may not know who he is. But this little boy would go on to write The Great Gatsby, a book a lot of teenagers are required to read in high school. He was also a drunk and had a crazy wife.

Some of you may not know who he is. But this little boy would go on to write The Great Gatsby, a book a lot of teenagers are required to read in high school. He was also a drunk and had a crazy wife. Oh, and he’s played by Loki in Midnight in Paris.

40. Stephen Hawking

Yes, this is the world famous physicist Stephen Hawking. Of course, at this point he got to do a lot of things on his own that he wouldn't be able to do later in life like crawling. Still, he's probably not capable of solving complex physics problems, yet.

Yes, this is the world famous physicist Stephen Hawking. Of course, at this point he got to do a lot of things on his own that he wouldn’t be able to do later in life like crawling. Still, he’s probably not capable of solving complex physics problems, yet.

41. Lucille Ball

Of course, you'll remember her for being in a 1950s sitcom as being married to Ricky. But once she kicked Desi Arnaz out for being a creep, she assumed control over their production company which helped put on a lot of classic shows. One of these would be Star Trek.

Of course, you’ll remember her for being in a 1950s sitcom as being married to Ricky. But once she kicked Desi Arnaz out for being a creep, she assumed control over their production company which helped put on a lot of classic shows. One of these would be Star Trek.

42. Jeff Bridges

Yes, the Dude high fives, apparently. Still, this is a picture of him with his dad, Lloyd. Nevertheless, even at the age of 2, he'd make his debut as Jane Greer's baby in The Company She Keeps. Still, he's the best known actor from that family.

Yes, the Dude high fives, apparently. Still, this is a picture of him with his dad, Lloyd. Nevertheless, even at the age of 2, he’d make his debut as Jane Greer’s baby in The Company She Keeps. Still, he’s the best known actor from that family.

43. Steve Martin

Seems like this little boy from Waco will soon be one of the best known celebrities today. Of course, he's said to be a hell of a banjo player and his

Seems like this little boy from Waco will soon be one of the best known celebrities today. Of course, he’s said to be a hell of a banjo player and his “King Tut” song is hilarious.

44. Bette Davis

Now this baby girl will grow up to be one of Hollywood's foremost actresses and have big eyes. Her roles would range from ugly ducklings, spinsters, fallen women, divas, and bitches. Oh, and she'd go on to be president of the Academy of Motion Pictures and win 2 Oscars.

Now this baby girl will grow up to be one of Hollywood’s foremost actresses and have big eyes. Her roles would range from ugly ducklings, spinsters, fallen women, divas, and bitches. Oh, and she’d go on to be president of the Academy of Motion Pictures and win 2 Oscars as well as have a career that spanned nearly 5 decades.

45. Humphrey Bogart

Now his baby picture is just simply adorable. However, the adult Humphrey Bogart isn't remembered for his cuteness. In fact, he's much more appealing for his, uh, personality.

Now his baby picture is just simply adorable. However, the adult Humphrey Bogart isn’t remembered for his cuteness. In fact, he’s much more appealing for his, uh, personality.

46. Meryl Streep

Seemed to be such a smiley baby and loved puppies. Of course, she might've been quite the diva as well. Still, she'll grow up to be one of Hollywood's most illustrious actresses of all time.

Seemed to be such a smiley baby and loved puppies. Of course, she might’ve been quite the diva as well. Still, she’ll grow up to be one of Hollywood’s most illustrious actresses of all time.

47. Shirley MacLaine and Warren Beatty

You may know who Shirley MacLaine is if you've seen Downton Abbey. However, she had a little brother named Warren Beatty who was known to be the hottie of his day. He also directed Reds and is currently married to Annette Bening.

You may know who Shirley MacLaine is if you’ve seen Downton Abbey. However, she had a little brother named Warren Beatty who was known to be the hottie of his day. He also directed Reds and is currently married to Annette Bening.

48. Joan Crawford

To be fair, Joan Crawford had a rough childhood and grew up in a broken home. Of course, she would go on to have to be a big movie star as well as be seen as an abusive mother, thanks to her adoptive daughter's Mommie Dearest.

To be fair, Joan Crawford had a rough childhood and grew up in a broken home. Of course, she would go on to have to be a big movie star as well as be seen as an abusive mother, thanks to her adoptive daughter’s Mommie Dearest.

49. Leonard Nimoy

Contrary to popular belief, Nimoy was actually born to a Jewish family in Boston. Not on Vulcan to a Vulcan dad and human mom. Nevertheless, everyone will know him as Spock.

Contrary to popular belief, Nimoy was actually born to a Jewish family in Boston. Not on Vulcan to a Vulcan dad and human mom. Nevertheless, everyone will know him as Spock.

50. Vivien Leigh

Now this little girl will soon grow up to play Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind. Still, you have to love her little curls in this one. So cute.

Now this little girl will soon grow up to play Scarlett O’Hara from Gone with the Wind. Still, you have to love her little curls in this one. So cute.

51. Truman Capote

In the book, To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee describes Dill looking a lot like this (which you wouldn't pick up from the movie). Of course, there's a reason why Truman Capote was the inspiration for Dill since he and Lee would be childhood friends. However, he'd later be known for Breakfast at Tiffany's and In Cold Blood. Not to mention, he was also rather light in the loafers so to speak.

In the book, To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee describes Dill looking a lot like this (which you wouldn’t pick up from the movie). Of course, there’s a reason why Truman Capote was the inspiration for Dill since he and Lee would be childhood friends. However, he’d later be known for Breakfast at Tiffany’s and In Cold Blood. Not to mention, he was also rather light in the loafers so to speak.

52. Adrien Brody

Awwww, little Adrien is so adorable with his little button nose and his somewhat immobilizing winter clothes. Of course, his nose will actually be more aquiline and prominent when he's older. But unlike Bogie and Walken, his cuteness won't really fade. Just change form so to speak. Also, will win an Oscar for Best Actor at 29.

Awwww, little Adrien is so adorable with his little button nose and his somewhat immobilizing winter clothes. Of course, his nose will actually be more aquiline and prominent when he’s older. But unlike Bogie and Walken, his cuteness won’t really fade. Just change form so to speak. Also, will win an Oscar for Best Actor at 29 and a French Cesar before Kristen Stewart.

53. Madonna

Who knew that this little doe eyed girl would become so identified with skimpy outfits in music videos? Of course, we should also remember that Madonna is her given birth name as well.

Who knew that this little doe eyed girl would become so identified with skimpy outfits in music videos? Of course, we should also remember that Madonna is her given birth name as well.

54. Sir Laurence Olivier

Little Larry is so adorable in his sailor outfit in 1915. Of course, he'll be one of the great British legends of stage and screen as well as known for his film performances of Shakespeare.

Little Larry is so adorable in his sailor outfit in 1915. Of course, he’ll be one of the great British legends of stage and screen as well as known for his film performances of Shakespeare.

55. Elizabeth Taylor

Now we all know this little girl will gain fame as one of Hollywood's most beautiful actresses of all time. She'd also become a alcoholic and marry 8 times, including twice to Richard Burton. But she's so adorable standing herself with the boat.

Now we all know this little girl will gain fame as one of Hollywood’s most beautiful actresses of all time. She’d also become a alcoholic and marry 8 times, including twice to Richard Burton. But she’s so adorable standing herself with the boat.

56. Frida Kahlo

Here's the future painter holding a doll with a book in its hand. Of course, because of health problems and an accident in her teenage years, Frida will be unable to have children. So she kept a bunch of monkeys instead. Not to mention, she was married to Diego Rivera.

Here’s the future painter holding a doll with a book in its hand. Of course, because of health problems and an accident in her teenage years, Frida will be unable to have children. So she kept a bunch of monkeys instead. Not to mention, she was married to Diego Rivera.

57. Queen Elizabeth II

Here is the future queen on her grandmother Queen Mary's lap. Of course, she wasn't known to be a warm and fuzzy sort. More like a kleptomaniac and a jewel collector.

Here is the future queen on her grandmother Queen Mary’s lap. Of course, she wasn’t known to be a warm and fuzzy sort. More like a kleptomaniac and a fanatic jewel collector.

58. Neil Armstrong

Seems like this little boy had a lot of great dreams ahead of him. However, I'm sure being the first man on the moon wasn't one of them.

Seems like this little boy had a lot of great dreams ahead of him. However, I’m sure being the first man on the moon wasn’t one of them. It’s possible nobody expected him to achieve that during his childhood.

59. Lyndon Baines Johnson

Yes, he may be a little cowboy in coveralls. But even then he seems to develop his distinctive features. Of course, the future president would also be known to be a colorful figure who conducted meetings in his bathroom, pulled his dick at the White House Press Corps, and holding a dog by the ears.

Yes, he may be a little cowboy in coveralls. But even then he seems to develop his distinctive features. Of course, the future president would also be known to be a colorful figure who conducted meetings in his bathroom, pulled his dick at the White House Press Corps, and holding a dog by the ears. Still, despite the political price he paid in popularity, he’s remembered as a very successful US presidents in history.

60. Pharrell Williams

Now he just looks so adorable and happy in that fro. Of course, he'd soon shave his head and start wearing an ugly looking hat.

Now he just looks so adorable and happy in that fro. Of course, he’d soon shave his head and start wearing an ugly looking hat.

61. Ozzy Osbourne

Somehow I'm not used to seeing him in a sweater, necktie, or with short hair. Of course, his speech was probably much more comprehensible back in the day. Still, doesn't seem likely to hop on the crazy train.

Somehow I’m not used to seeing him in a sweater, necktie, or with short hair. Of course, his speech was probably much more comprehensible back in the day. Still, doesn’t seem likely to hop on the crazy train.

62. Hugh Hefner

Who knew that this little squirt with blocks would soon become founder of Playboy and have a mansion full of gorgeous young women. Of course, he's one of the guys who angers die hard Christians and feminists alike.

Who knew that this little squirt with blocks would soon become founder of Playboy and have a mansion full of gorgeous young women. Of course, he’s one of the guys who angers die hard Christians and feminists alike.

64. Sir Anthony Hopkins

Sure he may have looked like an innocent schoolboy then. But let's just say, he'll be famous for playing one of the most brutal fictional serial killers of all time. You know the criminal psychologist who enjoys fine cannibalistic dining.

Sure he may have looked like an innocent schoolboy then. But let’s just say, he’ll be famous for playing one of the most brutal fictional serial killers of all time. You know the criminal psychologist who prefers to eat human flesh as gourmet meals.

64. Brad Pitt

Such a little guy and he's already sporting one of his iconic hairstyles. Still, he's just so adorable in this picture.

Such a little guy and he’s already sporting one of his iconic hairstyles. Still, he’s just so adorable in this picture.

65. Jacqueline “Jackie” Kennedy Onassis

When this little girl grows up, she's going marry John F. Kennedy and become one of the most iconic First Ladies in history. She'll also marry a Greek shipping tycoon later on as well. But now, she'd rather sit with her cute dog.

When this little girl grows up, she’s going marry John F. Kennedy and become one of the most iconic First Ladies in history. She’ll also marry a Greek shipping tycoon later on as well. But now, she’d rather sit with her cute dog.

66. Hillary Clinton

Sure she's just learned to walk but already little Hillary Rodham is hitting the campaign trail for president of her local playground. While the local toddlers may not like her, they think her opponents are either worse or stand no chance of winning.

Sure she’s just learned to walk but already little Hillary Rodham is hitting the campaign trail for president of her local playground. While the local toddlers may not like her, they think her opponents are either worse or stand no chance of winning.

67. Alice Cooper

Seems more clean cut than I usually see him as an adult. Of course, he's probably looking forward to school being out, at least for the summer.

Seems more clean cut than I usually see him as an adult. Of course, he’s probably looking forward to school being out, at least for the summer.

68. Walt Disney

Yes, that baby in a dress is the guy who will found what's now a multi-billion dollar empire of wholesomeness and whimsy. Of course, he's not much fond of Communism, Jews, or moms.

Yes, that baby in a dress is the guy who will found what’s now a multi-billion dollar empire of wholesomeness and whimsy. Of course, he’s not much fond of Communism, Jews, or moms.

69. Albert Einstein

Of course, like most young boys at the time, the future Nobel Prize winning physicist would be stuck wearing a dress in the first few years of his life. Still, he kind of looks spiffy and doesn't seem to mind.

Of course, like most young boys at the time, the future Nobel Prize winning physicist would be stuck wearing a dress in the first few years of his life. Still, he kind of looks spiffy and doesn’t seem to mind.

70. Gregory Peck

Sure he may be toddling around, but this little boy will soon become one of the hottest men in the Golden Age of Hollywood. He'd also play Atticus Finch, by the way, just so you know.

Sure he may be toddling around, but this little boy will soon become one of the hottest men in the Golden Age of Hollywood. He’d also play Atticus Finch, by the way, just so you know.

71. Gary Cooper

You can guess that this little tyke loved playing cowboys in his early life. Of course, it's prevalent that he also got frequently cast in westerns in his movie career.

You can guess that this little tyke loved playing cowboys in his early life. Of course, it’s prevalent that he also got frequently cast in westerns in his movie career.

72. Bruno Mars

Seems like he looks no different than as an adult. I mean the guy basically has the same hairstyle and everything. Just a little more pint-sized than he was as an adult.

Seems like he looks no different than as an adult. I mean the guy basically has the same hairstyle and everything. Just a little more pint-sized than he was as an adult.

73. Sean Connery

Seems like this sweet boy is destined to become a little heartbreaker as 007. But now he just wants to hug his puppy.

Seems like this sweet boy is destined to become a little heartbreaker as 007. But now he just wants to hug his little puppy.

74. Kevin Spacey

Seems like someone just can't wait to unwrap their Christmas presents. Of course, this cuteness wouldn't last so he can work its magic on House of Cards.

Seems like someone just can’t wait to unwrap their Christmas presents. Of course, this cuteness wouldn’t last so he can work its magic on House of Cards.

75. Orson Welles

Such a cute kid in his little winter outfit. Of course, he won't be so adorable once he gets older and fatter. In fact, he'll get quite grotesque. Still, his movie Citizen Kane will be a masterpiece in cinema.

Such a cute kid in his little winter outfit. Of course, he won’t be so adorable once he gets older and fatter. In fact, he’ll get quite grotesque. Still, his movie Citizen Kane will be a masterpiece in cinema.

76. James Dean

Sure he may be tiny, but this little boy will soon appear in movies like East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, and Giant. After that, he'd die in a car crash at 24.

Sure he may be tiny, but this little boy will soon appear in movies like East of Eden, Rebel Without a Cause, and Giant. After that, he’d die in a car crash at 24.

77. Martin Luther King Jr.

I'm sure this little boy has a dream, but you won't hear of it until 1963 during the March on Washington. Still, the future civil rights leader is quite adorable in this photo.

I’m sure this little boy has a dream, but you won’t hear of it until 1963 during the March on Washington. Still, the future civil rights leader is quite adorable in this photo.

78. Jimmy Stewart

Now isn't this little guy handsome? Of course, he's adorable in his little outfit. Nevertheless, this boy from Indiana, Pennsylvania will grow up to play George Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life as well as obtain the rank of Major General in the Air Force Reserve.

Now isn’t this little guy handsome? Of course, he’s adorable in his little outfit. Nevertheless, this boy from Indiana, Pennsylvania will grow up to play George Bailey from It’s a Wonderful Life as well as obtain the rank of Major General in the Air Force Reserve.

79. Katharine Hepburn

Now she's just so adorable with her cute haircut and freckles. Of course, she'll go on to win 4 Oscars and have an affair with Spencer Tracy.

Now she’s just so adorable with her cute haircut and freckles. Of course, she’ll go on to win 4 Oscars and have an affair with Spencer Tracy.

80. Bill Clinton

Yes, little Bill looks so handsome in his suit and coat. And I'm sure he loves the ladies and the ladies love him. Of course, that would soon come back to bite him when he's an adult.

Yes, little Bill looks so handsome in his suit and coat. And I’m sure he loves the ladies and the ladies love him. Of course, that would soon come back to bite him when he’s an adult.

81. Antonio Banderas

Now this baby seems so cute in his little cap. Of course, he doesn't seem to be a happy in this photo. Then again, he'll go on to do the voice of Puss in Boots.

Now this baby seems so cute in his little cap. Of course, he doesn’t seem to be a happy in this photo. Then again, he’ll go on to do the voice of Puss in Boots.

82. James Earl Jones

Somehow it's hard to believe that this kid will later become famous for his deep and sonorous voice. For many he'd be best known for voicing Darth Vader and Mufasa.

Somehow it’s hard to believe that this kid will later become famous for his deep and sonorous voice. For many he’d be best known for voicing Darth Vader and Mufasa.

83. Lauren Bacall

Seems like baby Betty Joan Perske just wants to lounge around in her stroller. She also seems so snug and warm in her little woolen cap. Meanwhile her future husband is probably on his stage career at this point, given it was the 1920s.

Seems like baby Betty Joan Perske just wants to lounge around in her stroller. She also seems so snug and warm in her little woolen cap. Meanwhile her future husband is probably on his stage career at this point, given it was the 1920s.

84. Pope Francis

You don't think of your future pontiff from Argentina as a schoolboy don't you? Of course, he also seems to sport elf or goblin ears.

You don’t think of your future pontiff from Argentina as a schoolboy don’t you? Of course, he also seems to sport elf or goblin ears, too.

85. Carl Sagan

Of course, we all know that the stars and the universe are in his future. Well, as far as the PBS documentary Cosmos is concerned for the 1980s. Still, he's pretty adorable so to speak.

Of course, we all know that the stars and the universe are in his future. Well, as far as the PBS documentary Cosmos is concerned for the 1980s. Still, he’s pretty adorable so to speak.

86. Peter Cushing

Hard to believe that this curly haired toddler would grow up to play Van Helsing, Dr. Whoi as well as bitch slap Darth Vader. Of course, you have to wonder whether his mother wanted him to be a girl in that get up.

Hard to believe that this curly haired toddler in a dress would grow up to play Van Helsing, Dr. Who as well as bitch slap Darth Vader and blow up Alderaan. Of course, you have to wonder whether his mother wanted him to be a girl in that get up.

87. Theodore Roosevelt

Yes, this is Teddy Roosevelt. I'm sure he's toilet trained by this point since he's wearing pants. But as soon as he overcame childhood health problems, he'd soon be open to writing books, going on adventures, and running for office.

Yes, this is Teddy Roosevelt. I’m sure he’s toilet trained by this point since he’s wearing pants. But as soon as he overcame childhood health problems, he’d soon be open to writing books, going on adventures, and running for office. Not to mention, being a badass president and having a badass family.

88. Beatrix Potter

Best known for writing The Tale of Peter Rabbit and other stories you've probably heard during your childhood. Still, I'm sure she's not a wizard or related to Harry Potter for that matter.

Best known for writing The Tale of Peter Rabbit and other stories you’ve probably heard during your childhood. Still, I’m sure she’s not a wizard or related to Harry Potter for that matter.

89. Michael Douglas

Seems like someone wants to shave like his daddy, Kirk Douglas (who'd later play Spartacus). Still, I'm sure little Michael is bound up to grow up looking just like him (sans the distinctive voice and dimple chin).

Seems like someone wants to shave like his daddy, Kirk Douglas (who’d later play Spartacus). Still, I’m sure little Michael is bound up to grow up looking just like him (sans the distinctive voice and dimple chin).

90. Katie Perry

Yes, she's simply adorable in her little sailor dress and cute haircut. However, you wouldn't say the same if she was wearing a similar outfit when she got older. You know how the press talks about the way she dresses in her music videos.

Yes, she’s simply adorable in her little sailor dress and cute haircut. However, you wouldn’t say the same if she was wearing a similar outfit when she got older. You know how the press talks about the way she dresses in her music videos.

91. Eminem

Never expected Eminem to be a ginger. Of course, I never thought I'd see a picture of him wearing plaid either. Still, he had a pretty crappy childhood though.

Never expected Eminem to be a ginger. Of course, I never thought I’d see a picture of him wearing plaid either. Still, he had a pretty crappy childhood though.

92. Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

Here we see the future princess climbing a rock in her pigtails. Of course, when her prince comes, little would she know that he'd be an actual prince. Prince William, anyway.

Here we see the future princess Kate Middleton climbing a rock in her pigtails. Of course, when her prince comes, little would she know that he’d be an actual prince. Prince William, anyway.

93. Robert Downey Jr.

At this point, he's at the age when he's probably learning how to read from Iron Man. However, after cleaning up his drug habit which almost wrecked his career, he would soon play him.

At this point, he’s at the age when he’s probably learning how to read from Iron Man. However, after cleaning up his drug habit which almost wrecked his career, he would soon play him.

94. Beyonce Knowles

For some reason, she reminds me of a little Cabbage Patch kid in this picture. Must be the hair. Then again, she's much cuter than a Cabbage Patch kid anyway.

For some reason, she reminds me of a little Cabbage Patch kid in this picture. Must be the hair. Then again, she’s much cuter than a Cabbage Patch kid anyway.

95. Buster Keaton

Before his movie career, little Buster would begin his time in show business with his vaudevillian parents which usually consisted of comedy sketches. He'd often wear a deadpan expression on his face during the acts. As a young man, he'd achieve fame as one of the great comedians of the silent era.

Before his movie career, little Buster would begin his time in show business with his vaudevillian parents which usually consisted of comedy sketches. He’d often wear a deadpan expression on his face during the acts. As a young man, he’d achieve fame as one of the great comedians of the silent era.

96. Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Of course, seeing the kid in dress and long hair, some of you might think this would be Eleanor. But you'd be wrong. This is FDR as a baby with his father James. Besides, Eleanor's dad Elliot was a much younger man as well as a womanizing drunk.

Of course, seeing the kid in dress and long hair, some of you might think this would be Eleanor. But you’d be wrong. This is FDR as a baby with his father James. He was doted and loved on by both his parents, but especially his mom (to Eleanor’s distress, no doubt). And yes, babies were dressed like that back then. Besides, Eleanor’s dad Elliot was a much younger man as well as a womanizing drunk.

97. Henri Toulouse-Lautrec

Of course, since his aristocratic parents were first cousins with a family history of inbreeding, he would be suspect with cogenital health problems throughout his life. Of course, these stunted his growth as well during adolescence and he'd also be known for his short stature. But at least he liked to draw and became a painter, anyway.

Of course, since his aristocratic parents were first cousins with a family history of inbreeding, he would be suspect with cogenital health problems throughout his life. Of course, these stunted his growth as well during adolescence and he’d also be known for his short stature. But at least he liked to draw and became a painter, anyway.

98. Eleanor Roosevelt

Now this is Eleanor Roosevelt. Of course, unlike her husband, she had a wretched childhood with losing her parents at a young age and living in her grandma's house starved for affection. Still, at least she was able to assert her self-confidence during finishing school (or high school).

Now this is Eleanor Roosevelt. Of course, unlike her husband, she had a wretched childhood with losing her parents at a young age and living in her grandma’s house starved for affection. Still, at least she was able to assert her self-confidence during finishing school (or high school).

99. Alfred Hitchcock

“Good evening. I’m afraid I have some terrible news tonight because I just soiled my pants. Now I have to cry it all out before my mother could secure me a new diaper.” Still, even as a baby, you can still tell that it’s the master of suspense.

100. Winston Churchill

This is the future British prime minister when he was about 6 or 7 years old. But even then he seems to strike the pose of a British gentlemen. But since his dad wasn't the oldest son in a noble family, he had to strike it on his own. His parents were also kind of neglectful with his American mother being quite a slut.

This is the future British prime minister when he was about 6 or 7 years old. But even then he seems to strike the pose of a British gentlemen. But since his dad wasn’t the oldest son in a noble family, he had to strike it on his own. His parents were also kind of neglectful with his American mother being quite a slut.

The Strange Table World of Salt and Pepper Shakers

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

salt-pepper-shakers

For some, salt and pepper shakers are just vessels for two basic condiments on the dinner table. For others, they’re collectibles. As a volunteer at West Overton, I recorded a lot of these in a Microsoft Excel worksheet along with their other items. Initially people only extracted salt and pepper from bowls or containers until shakers came out in the 1920s. But they’ve really became popular during the Depression. Nevertheless, salt and pepper shakers have come in a lot of matching sets in all shapes and sizes. They even have two salt and pepper shaker museums. In this post, I’ll try to give you a glimpse of all the salt and pepper shakers out there. You have ones pertaining to pop culture. You have ones that might be in poor taste and wouldn’t want to put on the kids’ table. And you have ones that need to be seen to be believed. But you see salt and pepper shakers as souvenirs, gifts, decorations, and what not. So without further adieu, may I present to you to the crazy table world of salt and pepper shakers. By the way, some of these might not be safe for work.

  1. Before you say grace, perhaps you can hold your condiments in shakers praying for the Lord.
Also, they come in 3 colors so you can praise Lord through your condiment holders however you like. Nevertheless, I think I'll take a pass on these.

Also, they come in 3 colors so you can praise Lord through your condiment holders however you like. Nevertheless, I think I’ll take a pass on these. I mean no disembodied praying hands are going on my table.

2. For all you Star Wars fans out there, grace your table with a Stormtrooper and Darth Vader shakers.

Of course, remember that your pepper will turn to the dark side. Also, when you use the salt, it won't go on your food.

Of course, remember that your pepper will turn to the dark side. Also, when you use the salt, it won’t go on your food.

3. Remember the salt and pepper packs you get at restaurants. Now someone has made a larger home version of these.

Unlike the ones you get in a restaurant, they're not disposable and are made from plastic. Still, pretty clever if you think about it.

Unlike the ones you get in a restaurant, they’re not disposable and are made from plastic. Still, pretty clever if you think about it.

4. These bottle salt and pepper shakers are fashioned into an ice bucket cruet like you see champagne.

Of course, the ice bucket is fake and won't melt. However, I'm not sure if I'd want an arrangement like this on my table. I mean they look tacky.

Of course, the ice bucket is fake and won’t melt. However, I’m not sure if I’d want an arrangement like this on my table. I mean they look tacky.

5. It’s said that these grenade salt and pepper shakers really give you a taste explosion.

Now I don't know what to think of this. In fact, I'd be afraid to pull the pins on these for fear they may explode. I really don't want to be salt or pepper bombed.

Now I don’t know what to think of this. In fact, I’d be afraid to pull the pins on these for fear they may explode. I really don’t want to be salt or pepper bombed.

6. For some people salt and pepper is as different as a hula dancer fork and spoon.

Of course, they might've went with knife, but too many people saw it as a weapon. Still, why they're wearing grass skirts and waving their arms funny, I have no idea.

Of course, they might’ve went with knife, but too many people saw it as a weapon. Still, why they’re wearing grass skirts and waving their arms funny, I have no idea.

7. On this grill cruet, you can pour your salt and pepper from a hotdog and hamburger.

Now I know we put salt and pepper on hotdogs and hamburgers. But for some reason this is ridiculous and tacky. Not sure how it would work out at a barbecue.

Now I know we put salt and pepper on hotdogs and hamburgers. But for some reason this is ridiculous and tacky. Not sure how it would work out at a barbecue.

8. Of course, you can’t make a great table for your guests without a salt and pepper shaker of Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead.

Unlike the toys, you can't take off their parts. Not to mention, they aren't made from plastic. Nevertheless, anyone who's a fan of Toy Story will love them.

Unlike the toys, you can’t take off their parts. Not to mention, they aren’t made from plastic. Nevertheless, anyone who’s a fan of Toy Story will love them.

9. Of course, you’d never know that these aren’t cigarettes at first glance.

Of course, I wouldn't recommend using these salt and pepper shakers for a cocktail party. Besides, I'm not sure about using an ashtray cruet. I mean that's crazy.

Of course, I wouldn’t recommend using these salt and pepper shakers for a cocktail party. Besides, I’m not sure about using an ashtray cruet. I mean that’s crazy.

10. Since you might have a matching stove and fridge, why not have your condiments match?

Now together they say,

Now together they say, “Dinner is ready…when the smoke alarm goes off!” Then again, I’m not sure about having a salt and pepper shaker of a stove and fridge. Even if they are the same color of the stove and fridge.

11. Of course, these shells will keep your salt and pepper safe from harm.

Now they're said to be grenades. However, I know what a grenade looks like. And these resemble either bullets or something you stuff inside some artillery piece.

Now they’re said to be grenades. However, I know what a grenade looks like. And these resemble either bullets or something you stuff inside some artillery piece.

12. For those who adore the adorable polar creatures or March of the Penguins, here is a lovely penguin pair for your table.

Of course, you can't tell which of these is male or female. Then again, the one with the baby is probably the dad. They're usually the ones who hatch the chick while the mom goes off to the sea to eat.

Of course, you can’t tell which of these is male or female. Then again, the one with the baby is probably the dad. They’re usually the ones who hatch the chick while the mom goes off to the sea to eat.

13. If you love pugs and tacky sweaters, I’m sure these pug salt and pepper shakers will strike your fancy.

Now I think these might be just the thing for some pug lover who doesn't have much taste in interior decorating. Also those dog sweaters are atrocious. Still, it has its own unique charm.

Now I think these might be just the thing for some pug lover who doesn’t have much taste in interior decorating. Also those dog sweaters are atrocious. Still, it has its own unique charm.

14. Now for those working in chemistry, these flask condiment containers will do quite nicely.

Wouldn't be surprised if you saw such a set on someone's table on The Big Bang Theory. Do like the cork stoppers on these though.

Wouldn’t be surprised if you saw such a set on someone’s table on The Big Bang Theory. Do like the cork stoppers on these though.

15. Those who love Pepe le Pew will love this salt and pepper set with his cherie.

Of course, her name is more likely Penelope, not salt. However, Pepe should really get the memo that she's a cat, not a skunk. But who cares?

Of course, her name is more likely Penelope, not salt. However, Pepe should really get the memo that she’s a cat, not a skunk. But who cares?

16. Now with salt and pepper shakers like these, I’d suspect the owner must be from Florida.

Now I guess the pink flamingo is the salt and the red one's the pepper. Nevertheless, they're about as tacky as the lawn ornaments they imitate.

Now I guess the pink flamingo is the salt and the red one’s the pepper. Nevertheless, they’re about as tacky as the lawn ornaments they imitate.

17. Now these kitty shakers have the salt and pepper come out from their rear ends.

Now I wonder why they'd have holes in their butts. Kind of seems a little in bad taste. Still, they seem to be quite cute from what I could see of them.

Now I wonder why they’d have holes in their butts. Kind of seems a little in bad taste. Still, they seem to be quite cute from what I could see of them.

18. Dinner time isn’t the same without these dancing devil ballerinas.

Yes, they may be as evil as they come. But they seem so very light on their feet. Also, love their pronged forks.

Yes, they may be as evil as they come. But they seem so very light on their feet. Also, love their pronged forks.

19. As a rule, Her Royal Majesty the Queen always has to stand by her grenadier guard.

Of course, the guards always have to be very still and not smile. Still, looking at these makes me want to do my Monty Python pepperpot voice.

Of course, the guards always have to be very still and not smile. Still, looking at these makes me want to do my Monty Python pepperpot voice.

20. Hey, what the hell are those giant flies doing here?

Oh, they're salt and pepper shakers. Nevertheless, I'm not sure why anyone would want them on their table. I mean they're quite freaky.

Oh, they’re salt and pepper shakers. Nevertheless, I’m not sure why anyone would want them on their table. I mean they’re quite freaky.

21. In vampire love, it always starts with love at first bite.

I bet he's trying to suck some blood from her neck. And she seems to enjoy it. However, it's still a better vampire love story than Twilight. At least these make a more interesting couple.

I bet he’s trying to suck some blood from her neck. And she seems to enjoy it. However, it’s still a better vampire love story than Twilight. At least these make a more interesting couple.

22. Of course, you can’t serve dinner without having a couple of Chinamen salt and pepper shakers on your table.

I know this is supposed to be of a Chinese couple because of the guy's hairstyle which was mandatory during the Ching dynasty. Nevertheless, these are depicted in a rather racist caricature. Yeah, wouldn't be the kind you want to show to your Chinese neighbors.

I know this is supposed to be of a Chinese couple because of the guy’s hairstyle which was mandatory during the Ching dynasty. Nevertheless, these are depicted in a rather racist caricature. Yeah, wouldn’t be the kind you want to show to your Chinese neighbors.

23. Of course, it’s always easy to tell a good witch from a bad witch.

Now I hate to say this but this set up looks rather stereotypical. I mean good witches don't always wear white and are blond. Bad witches aren't always green and wear black.

Now I hate to say this but this set up looks rather stereotypical. I mean good witches don’t always wear white and are blond. Bad witches aren’t always green and wear black.

24. Of course, salt and pepper shakers like these will immerse your table in sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll.

Yes, all they want is peace and love. But I'm sure they wouldn't be able to see how shitty things were at Woodstock. Well, the music was good but the accommodations were unbearable.

Yes, all they want is peace and love. But I’m sure they wouldn’t be able to see how shitty things were at Woodstock. Well, the music was good but the accommodations were unbearable.

25. Now this salt and pepper shakers are made courtesy of New Orleans.

Okay, I don't know about you. But these two seem to be rather racist caricatures. Seem like they're done in a style you'd find akin to lawn jockeys. Yeah, as a white person, I wouldn't want to be caught with these two.

Okay, I don’t know about you. But these two seem to be rather racist caricatures. Seem like they’re done in a style you’d find akin to lawn jockeys. Yeah, as a white person, I wouldn’t want to be caught dead with these two in my possession.

26. Seems like Ms. Pickle and Ms. Tomato love to make music together.

Seems that Ms. Pickle is on vocals while Ms. Tomato is on lyre. Still, I love the matching outfits on these two.

Seems that Ms. Pickle is on vocals while Ms. Tomato is on lyre. Still, I love the matching outfits on these two.

27. Seems that Mr. Onion and Mr. Artichoke are tennis buddies.

However, I'm sure Mr. Onion cries every time Mr. Artichoke scores. Nevertheless, they both have layers you're not sure you'd want to peel off.

However, I’m sure Mr. Onion cries every time Mr. Artichoke scores. Nevertheless, they both have layers you’re not sure you’d want to peel off.

28. A nun’s habit depends on its color. Judge wisely.

Let's just say I don't think either habit is bad. Just different. Then again, I might not say the same about personality.

Let’s just say I don’t think either habit is bad. Just different. Then again, I might not say the same about personality.

29. You can’t have a biblical feast without salt and pepper shakers of Adam and Eve.

Sure Adam and Eve may look cute in this. But somehow I feel this is somewhat borderline inappropriate for a kiddie table. Not sure why. Oh, wait, they're naked.

Sure Adam and Eve may look cute in this. But somehow I feel this is somewhat borderline inappropriate for a kiddie table. Not sure why. Oh, wait, they’re naked. Talk about making original sin looking adorable.

30. Sorry, Rover, only salt and pepper coming from these bones.

Yes, I'm sure Rover wouldn't want to bury these in the yard. And if he does, then he's bound to be in deep trouble. Also if he chews on them, too.

Yes, I’m sure Rover wouldn’t want to bury these in the yard. And if he does, then he’s bound to be in deep trouble. Also if he chews on them, too.

31. Seems like someone at this table is busted.

Well, at least the good thing about this cops and robbers salt and pepper shaker is that they're both of the same race. Let's just say if the robber had darker skin, you could have some unfortunate implications.

Well, at least the good thing about this cops and robbers salt and pepper shaker is that they’re both of the same race. Let’s just say if the robber had darker skin, you could have some unfortunate implications.

32. These two Smokeys say that only you can prevent forest fires. Courtesy of the National Park Service.

Of course, one Smokey has the bucket while the other has the shovel. Hope the bear has good use for the shovel because it can be a rather deadly weapon.

Of course, one Smokey has the bucket while the other has the shovel. Hope the bear has good use for the shovel because it can be a rather deadly weapon.

33. Seems like bread from this toaster comes out two ways: white or burnt.

Still, I wonder what guests would think if you put this cruet on the table. They might wonder if you're crazy. Well, that is until they see that the bread slices are made from plastic and have holes in them.

Still, I wonder what guests would think if you put this cruet on the table. They might wonder if you’re crazy. Well, that is until they see that the bread slices are made from plastic and have holes in them.

34. Oh, my God, there are giant ants at our picnic!

Relax, those are salt and pepper shakers, not live mutants. Still, I'm not sure if I'd want to put them on a picnic table. They kind of look freaky for the most part.

Relax, those are salt and pepper shakers, not live mutants. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want to put them on a picnic table. They kind of look freaky for the most part.

35. Of course, bachelor pad can’t do without a cruet of a big boobed topless woman.

Actually he can. Really. Still, such condiment arrangement is bound to make dinnertime awkward. Except possibly in the Playboy mansion.

Actually he can. Really. Still, such condiment arrangement is bound to make dinnertime awkward. Except possibly in the Playboy mansion.

36. Of course, many people might think the idea of having a salt and pepper shaker depicting a kewpie on the toilet cute.

Now I wouldn't want to see either of these on the dinner table. I mean that's just tacky in my opinion. Seriously, why?

Now I wouldn’t want to see either of these on the dinner table. I mean that’s just tacky in my opinion. Seriously, why?

37. Presenting to you all, I give you butt shakers.

Now not only does this look rather inappropriate and out of proportion. It also kind of reminds me of a piece you see on the male anatomy. But I'm keeping myself mum on this.

Now not only does this look rather inappropriate and out of proportion. It also kind of reminds me of a piece you see on the male anatomy. But I’m keeping myself mum on this.

38. Now this salt and pepper shaker set is fit for Picasso’s dinner table.

Well, at least these two fit together. However, I doubt these were made by Picasso. And they'd probably wouldn't be on his table. However, they were probably inspired by his art.

Well, at least these two fit together. However, I doubt these were made by Picasso. And they’d probably wouldn’t be on his table. However, they were probably inspired by his art.

39. Of course, if you want to throw a really fancy dinner, then you must have fancy salt and pepper shakers to go with it.

This is the Salieria piece by Benvenuto Cellini. It was made in the 19th century. However, unlike most of the pieces on here, it's a museum piece, and therefore, not for sale.

This is the Salieria piece by Benvenuto Cellini. It was made in the 19th century. However, unlike most of the pieces on here, it’s a museum piece, and therefore, not for sale.

40. Would you want your dinner served by Mr. S. Dolphin or Mr. P. Shark.

Of course, dolphins are porpoises. Thus, I think dolphin should be pepper while shark should be salt. Then again, I do love their tuxedo waiter outfits.

Of course, dolphins are porpoises. Thus, I think dolphin should be pepper while shark should be salt. Then again, I do love their tuxedo waiter outfits.

41. Nothing graces your dinner table like salt and pepper shakers depicting a baby doll’s head.

Okay, now there's no way in hell I think anyone should put these on their table. Seriously, they're going to make your guests think that there's something wrong with you. Like you're Hannibal Lecter.

Okay, now there’s no way in hell I think anyone should put these on their table. Seriously, they’re going to make your guests think that there’s something wrong with you. Like you’re Hannibal Lecter.

42. Of course, you can always put your salt and pepper in paint tubes.

That is, unless you have paint tubes that might read Saffron and Persian Red. Then there might be some confusion.

That is, unless you have paint tubes that might read Saffron and Persian Red. Then there might be some confusion.

43. When it comes to dachshunds, it all has to come out somewhere.

Now I'm sure people might find wiener dogs cute. But I'm not sure whether these salt and pepper shakers are among the best in table decor.

Now I’m sure people might find wiener dogs cute. But I’m not sure whether these salt and pepper shakers are among the best in table decor.

44. Out of the goodness of their hearts, I’m sure Brother Simon and Brother Peter will bless your meals.

Love how these monks seem to look the same and how their holes are used as facial features. Kind of look like they're singing a chant. But I'm sure they're on a vow of silence.

Love how these monks seem to look the same and how their holes are used as facial features. Kind of look like they’re singing a chant. But I’m sure they’re on a vow of silence.

45. Press S for salt and P for pepper. It’s easy.

Now I'm sure these are still in the packaging. However, they're keyboard keys so I'll allow it.

Now I’m sure these are still in the packaging. However, they’re keyboard keys so I’ll allow it. Still, not sure what they’d look outside the box.

46. In this bowling cruet, the ball sits between two pins.

And I'm sure the pins contain the salt and pepper. I'm not sure about the bowling ball though. Might just be for decoration.

And I’m sure the pins contain the salt and pepper. I’m not sure about the bowling ball though. Might just be for decoration.

47. Of course, you can’t have a monster Halloween party without some eyeballs to hold the condiments.

Now that's creepy and kind of gross. Actually it's really gross. But hey, I bet this would be a hit with the Addams family or in Halloween town.

Now that’s creepy and kind of gross. Actually it’s really gross. But hey, I bet this would be a hit with the Addams family or in Halloween town.

48. Of course, you can’t have a great dinner party without putting your condiments in rings.

Now how they get the salt and pepper in these, I will never now. Must have some sort of device to open them. Not sure how you can funnel the stuff through the holes.

Now how they get the salt and pepper in these, I will never now. Must have some sort of device to open them. Not sure how you can funnel the stuff through the holes.

49. Seems like Pa is full of piss while Ma is full of shit.

Well, these shakers have been around for a long time. And yes, they're tacky. But hey, people seem to love them despite their terrible taste.

Well, these shakers have been around for a long time. And yes, they’re tacky. But hey, people seem to love them despite their terrible taste.

50. You can always have fun in the sun with these salt and pepper shaker flip flops.

Now I'm sure they're not as cheap as real flip flops. Nor are that as destructible either even if made from ceramics. And no, you probably can't wear them on the beach or in the shower.

Now I’m sure they’re not as cheap as real flip flops. Nor are that as destructible either even if made from ceramics. And no, you probably can’t wear them on the beach or in the shower.

51. Excuse me, but can you please pass me the heroin and cocaine?

Let's just hope that you don't use these during a dinner party where a cop is present. Because the police officer might get the wrong idea. Still, why make shakers like these? Seriously.

Let’s just hope that you don’t use these during a dinner party where a cop is present. Because the police officer might get the wrong idea. Still, why make shakers like these? Seriously.

52. When it comes to whether Jesus was white or black, perhaps you might want both renditions on the dinner table.

Actually it would be fairer to say that Jesus was Middle Eastern who'd more or less have in common with the black image than the white one. Of course, he also had short hair as most men in 1st century Palestine.

Actually it would be fairer to say that Jesus was Middle Eastern who’d more or less have in common with the black image than the white one. Of course, he also had short hair as most men in 1st century Palestine.

53. Guess salt has the whiskers and the pepper has the mustache.

Yes, these are LEGO head salt and pepper shakers. I'm sure they shouldn't be played with. But they do look cool, though.

Yes, these are LEGO head salt and pepper shakers. I’m sure they shouldn’t be played with. But they do look cool, though.

54. Nothing makes dinner better than putting your salt and pepper in llama heads.

Not sure of what some people might think of these. However, I kind of find them amusing and somewhat creepy. Have no idea what the appeal among llamas is these days though.

Not sure of what some people might think of these. However, I kind of find them amusing and somewhat creepy. Have no idea what the appeal among llamas is these days though.

55. With salt and pepper shakers like these, I’m utterly stumped.

Okay, they may be logs. But I'm sure they're not made from wood even though they sure look like it. Then again, maybe they are. I can't tell.

Okay, they may be logs. But I’m sure they’re not made from wood even though they sure look like it. Then again, maybe they are. I can’t tell.

56. Why choose between Gandalf the Gray and Gandalf the White when you can have both at your second breakfast table.

Because both can be rather equally badass. I mean Gandalf the Gray says, "You shall not pass!" Also, Gandalf the White has a pretty cool horse and staff. Then again, Gandalf the Gray rocks in his wizard hat.

Because both can be rather equally badass. I mean Gandalf the Gray says, “You shall not pass!” Also, Gandalf the White has a pretty cool horse and staff. Then again, Gandalf the Gray rocks in his wizard hat.

57. Nothing graces your garden party table like a cruet of a mooning gnome.

Now it's one thing to have a mooning gnome in your garden. But it's another thing to have one on your dinner table. Not sure which is worse.

Now it’s one thing to have a mooning gnome in your garden. But it’s another thing to have one on your dinner table. Not sure which is worse.

58. Of course, no hunting lodge table would be complete without these gamey condiment containers.

Now I guess salt is moose and pepper is deer. However, what they're used to flavor depends on where you live in North America.

Now I guess salt is moose and pepper is deer. However, what they’re used to flavor depends on where you live in North America.

59. At dinner, you can’t ignore these cute ninja salt and pepper shakers on the table.

Yes, these were adorable. But real ninjas usually didn't dress this way and were usually spies. Oh, and they tended to improvise when it came to weapons.

Yes, these were adorable. But real ninjas usually didn’t dress this way and were usually spies. Oh, and they tended to improvise when it came to weapons.

60. Now these film canister shakers seem so picture perfect.

However, if you're not using a digital camera, remember that you not mistake them for your real film canisters. Luckily they're probably much bigger than the real things.

However, if you’re not using a digital camera, remember that you not mistake them for your real film canisters. Luckily they’re probably much bigger than the real things.

61. Of course, these skulls are sure to lighten up a dead audience. Or maybe not.

Not sure if these would be good for reciting Hamlet's "Alas poor Yorick," but they might do. Still, some people might find skull shakers a bit disturbing or creepy.

Not sure if these would be good for reciting Hamlet’s “Alas poor Yorick,” but they might do. Still, some people might find skull shakers a bit disturbing or creepy.

62. Of course, why not salt and pepper your meal with pee and poop?

Still, despite their cute faces, they're kind of disgusting if you think about it. Seriously, some people might find these in very poor taste indeed.

Still, despite their cute faces, they’re kind of disgusting if you think about it. Seriously, some people might find these in very poor taste indeed. Also, might crush a few appetites in the process.

63. With shakers like these, they will be a nice gift for any school teacher or co-worker at the office.

Well, at least you know where you can refill them. But I'm sure you can't use the pink parts as erasers.

Well, at least you know where you can refill them. But I’m sure you can’t use the pink parts as erasers.

64. Hey, I didn’t know they had unicorns in two different colors.

I'm sure your guests would love these graceful shakers on your table. If not, then they'll certainly make a fine conversation piece.

I’m sure your guests would love these graceful shakers on your table. If not, then they’ll certainly make a fine conversation piece.

65. These battery shakers have indicators that remind you when to refill.

And it seems that they've been used quite a bit since they're both half filled. Of course, it's apparent that they may soon run out of juice if used often enough.

And it seems that they’ve been used quite a bit since they’re both half filled. Of course, it’s apparent that they may soon run out of juice if used often enough.

66. Nothing makes a great addition to the dinner table than having your condiments in disembodied baby arms.

As if baby head salt and pepper shakers weren't disturbing enough. Granted they were derived from doll parts, but still.

As if baby head salt and pepper shakers weren’t disturbing enough. Granted they were derived from doll parts, but still.

67. Your dinner table is never complete without salt and pepper shakers derived from severed baby legs.

Now that's disgusting. Seriously, who the hell designs these things. And why would anyone want such demented stuff on their table? People might think you're a serial killer.

Now that’s disgusting. Seriously, who the hell designs these things. And why would anyone want such demented stuff on their table? People might think you’re a serial killer.

68. Of course, these salt and pepper shakers will bring the ornate sense of wonder from the Middle East to your dinner table.

Then again, these might perpetuate some Arab and Muslim stereotypes though. Yes, people still dress like that there, but not everyone. Also, I'm sure women can show their faces in most Middle East countries even if they can't show their hair.

Then again, these might perpetuate some Arab and Muslim stereotypes though. Yes, people still dress like that there, but not everyone. Also, I’m sure women can show their faces in most Middle East countries even if they can’t show their hair.

69. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

Nevertheless, they kind of divided the group into shakers between the ones who are dead and the ones who are still alive. Of course, this is the Fab Four in their early years.

Nevertheless, they kind of divided the group into shakers between the ones who are dead and the ones who are still alive. Of course, this is the Fab Four in their early years.

70. May this medieval cruet make a fine royal and holy addition to your table.

Actually this set looks as if it was either made by somebody or bought from a Renaissance Faire. Either way, doesn't look like the condiment set people in the Middle Ages would use. Still, love the crowns though.

Actually this set looks as if it was either made by somebody or bought from a Renaissance Faire. Either way, doesn’t look like the condiment set people in the Middle Ages would use. Still, love the crowns though.

71. Nothing makes a table look better than squirrel salt and pepper shakers.

Now I'm sure squirrel shakers might look cute if they consisted of the whole animal. However, these only consist of their heads which is kind of terrifying.

Now I’m sure squirrel shakers might look cute if they consisted of the whole animal. However, these only consist of their heads which is kind of terrifying.

72. Of course, Spock wouldn’t think these kind of shakers would be logical.

Yes, these are Star Trek salt and pepper shakers. Yes, they consist of Kirk and Spock. No, I don't know which one is which.

Yes, these are Star Trek salt and pepper shakers. Yes, they consist of Kirk and Spock. No, I don’t know which one is which.

73. I’m sure you’re summer luau will be a hit with these bongo drum shakers at your table.

Now I'm sure they'd go well not just at tiki parties but also beatnik jam sessions, too. However, not so sure if anyone would want to see them though.

Now I’m sure they’d go well not just at tiki parties but also beatnik jam sessions, too. However, not so sure if anyone would want to see them though.

74. Of course, you can’t have dinner without a place to go on.

Now I'm sure you'll find both of these in a men's room. And only one of these in the ladies' room. Still, they're probably fairly tacky for a dining room table.

Now I’m sure you’ll find both of these in a men’s room. And only one of these in the ladies’ room. Still, they’re probably fairly tacky for a dining room table.

75. Now these would be perfect for any table during road season.

Now I'm familiar with the classic orange traffic cone. However, I'm not sure if traffic cones even come in black. I mean they need to stick out so people can see them. If I were the designer, I'd go with fluorescent yellow.

Now I’m familiar with the classic orange traffic cone. However, I’m not sure if traffic cones even come in black. I mean they need to stick out so people can see them. If I were the designer, I’d go with fluorescent yellow.

76. Not sure if you want to roll these dice. You might spill something.

Yes, these are dice salt and pepper shakers. No, they aren't used for games or gambling. They're used for food.

Yes, these are dice salt and pepper shakers. No, they aren’t used for games or gambling. They’re used for food.

77. Now I wonder how these women walk with big TV screens on their heads.

It's said that they come from the Victorian Era but I highly doubt it. Still, there's something a bit either sci-fi or dystopian about them. Also, they're quite freaky, too.

It’s said that they come from the Victorian Era but I highly doubt it. Still, there’s something a bit either sci-fi or dystopian about them. Also, they’re quite freaky, too.

78. “I’m a doctor, not a pepper shaker.”

Yes, these are salt and pepper shakers of Uhura and Dr. McCoy. Yes, they're from Star Trek. One is the chief medical officer who clashes with Spock. The other is the communications officer who translates stuff and got kissed by Kirk.

Yes, these are salt and pepper shakers of Uhura and Dr. McCoy. Yes, they’re from Star Trek. One is the chief medical officer who clashes with Spock. The other is the communications officer who translates stuff and got kissed by Kirk.

79. Of course, you can’t have a super dinner without Superman and Wonder Woman.

Now I'm sure one is from the planet Krypton and the other's from an island of Amazons. Still, they're both from the DC universe and everyone wants them to be together. Also, wear stuff normal people wouldn't be caught dead in.

Now I’m sure one is from the planet Krypton and the other’s from an island of Amazons. Still, they’re both from the DC universe and everyone wants them to be together. Also, wear stuff normal people wouldn’t be caught dead in.

80. “Pepper, my dear, I don’t give a salt.”

Yes, I'm sure this is an antique set for the movie. If it was made at the time. Still, I'll put it in since Gone with the Wind is such an iconic film.

Yes, I’m sure this is an antique set for the movie. If it was made at the time. Still, I’ll put it in since Gone with the Wind is such an iconic film.

Never Judge a Book By Its Cover- Well, Most of the Time (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Since it’s summer, it’s not uncommon for children and teenagers to undergo a summer reading program at their local library. Of course, as you’ve know by the title of this post, this isn’t one in where I’d give recommendations. In fact, this is a fourth edition post on bad book covers instead. Now when a book’s published, you’d think that some people would come up with a suitable cover design to sell copies. But this isn’t always the case. As with the bad covers of classic books, you’d have to wonder whether the designer ever read the books at all. I mean they should. Still, seeing such an inappropriate cover on some classic novel might lead to you having to explain that Thomas Hardy’s Wessex Tales has absolutely nothing to do with Slash from Guns n’ Roses. Seriously, this guy died before Slash was even born. Then there are covers that feature the wrong location than the book titles clearly imply as well as ones that depict it’s from an entirely different genre. For instance, there’s a cover for Cranford that implies it’s about some type of sci-fi world when it’s really an English 19th century novel about two spinsters. And there’s a company that issues classic novels with paintings of nude women on the cover, even on titles like Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Daniel Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe. Nevertheless, without further adieu, here is another edition of book covers you can hardly believe exist. Some stuff on this post might not be safe for work.

  1. You Let Some Girl Beat You? by Ann Meyers Drysdale with John Ravenna
I hate to ask this question but isn't the title a bit sexist? I don't want to sound rude but the idea of being beaten by a girl doesn't seem to have great connotations. To put it mildly.

I hate to ask this question but isn’t the title a bit sexist? I don’t want to sound rude but the idea of being beaten by a girl doesn’t seem to have great connotations. To put it mildly.

About a female basketball player. Why this is the title I have no idea.

2. Why Do Men Have Nipples?: Hundreds of Questions You’d Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini by Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg M.D.

What's even funnier is how this is listed as a #1 New York Times bestseller. Now this makes me wonder what kind of people would be interested in this book. Then again, as to why men have nipples is a rather interesting question.

What’s even funnier is how this is listed as a #1 New York Times bestseller. Now this makes me wonder what kind of people would be interested in this book. Then again, as to why men have nipples is a rather interesting question.

Hmmm…..I guess this title indicates that this book will be full of rather interesting medical questions by drunks.

3. 50 Ways to Use Feminine Hygiene Products in a Manly Manner (for the Self-Assured Male) by B. Koz

Even funnier is how you see a guy hunting with his dog on the cover. Probably a way for the designer to show readers that this it's a book for manly men. But it begs the question on how you can use a tampon for duck hunting.

Even funnier is how you see a guy hunting with his dog on the cover. Probably a way for the designer to show readers that this it’s a book for manly men. But it begs the question on how you can use a tampon for duck hunting.

Because tampons, sanitary napkins, and menstrual cups don’t just have to be for women anymore.\

4. The Bible Cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Ancient Truths, Natural Remedies, and the Latest Findings for Your Health Today

Now how does the Bible have a cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome? I'm not sure if it even does. If it did, I'm sure it wouldn't be pleasant. Besides, I'd rather not trust biblical medicine, for obvious reasons.

Now how does the Bible have a cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome? I’m not sure if it even does. If it did, I’m sure it wouldn’t be pleasant. Besides, I’d rather not trust biblical medicine, for obvious reasons.

Yes, treat your irritable bowel syndrome the way they did in biblical times.

5. In Praise of the Stepmother by Mario Vargas Llosa

Now it's all right to like your stepmother. And it's perfectly fine to find her attractive. But it's not okay to make out with her, touch her boobs, or have anything other than a platonic relationship with her. Seriously, who thought this image would make a great cover? That's insane!

Now it’s all right to like your stepmother. And it’s perfectly fine to find her attractive. But it’s not okay to make out with her, touch her boobs, or have anything other than a platonic relationship with her. Seriously, who thought this image would make a great cover? That’s insane!

Okay, I’m sure that’s not the way to have a relationship with your stepmother.

6. Green Light for Death by Frank Kane

Then again, people did smoke a lot in those days. Perhaps, they couldn't see the naked woman from the cloud of smoke. Or the guy with the gun. Still, not sure if cigarettes create that much smoke at any given time. Must've been a party.

Then again, people did smoke a lot in those days. Perhaps, they couldn’t see the naked woman from the cloud of smoke. Or the guy with the gun. Still, not sure if cigarettes create that much smoke at any given time. Must’ve been a party.

For some reason only the guy with the gun is paying attention to the naked lady.

7. Twilight of Briareus by Richard Cowper

I'm getting the impression that a lot of these sci-fi covers just don't make sense. Maybe it's just too many cover designers on acid. But I can't be sure.

I’m getting the impression that a lot of these sci-fi covers just don’t make sense. Maybe it’s just too many cover designers on acid. But I can’t be sure.

Man, I didn’t expect a cover with a giant perplexed space baby. Wonder where that came from.

8. The Moment of Truth by Maggie Price

She may want to save sex for marriage. But that doesn't mean that she won't reach into a guy's pants and feel around for his junk first. Yeah, this cover has very bad photo placement. I mean it suggests something more inappropriate than it's supposed to convey.

She may want to save sex for marriage. But that doesn’t mean that she won’t reach into a guy’s pants and feel around for his junk first. Yeah, this cover has very bad photo placement. I mean it suggests something more inappropriate than it’s supposed to convey.

And it seems that this woman has her hand in a guy’s pants.

9. Trixie Belden #1: The Secret of the Manison

Now I'm sure Trixie's buddy isn't trying to get into her pants but it sure looks like it. Then again, they might be experimenting with their sexuality. Yes, I'm sure people suspecting lesbianism will have fun with this.

Now I’m sure Trixie’s buddy isn’t trying to get into her pants but it sure looks like it. Then again, they might be experimenting with their sexuality. Yes, I’m sure people suspecting lesbianism will have fun with this.

And it seems that Trixie’s best friend has some secret of her own that she wouldn’t want Trixie to know. Their relationship is rather complicated.

10. The Ninety Trillion Fausts by Jack L. Chalker

Now I know this is a sci-fi book but still. Goethe manage to write a story with just one Faust in it. Why would anyone want to write with 90 trillion is beyond me.

Now I know this is a sci-fi book but still. Goethe manage to write a story with just one Faust in it. Why would anyone want to write with 90 trillion is beyond me.

Because One Big Space Devil wouldn’t work so well.

11. The Big Bernie Madoff Coloring and Activity Book by Jeff Pollack and Lane Steinberg and illustrated by Maria Villanueva

Now this is just crazy since we all know what Bernie Madoff did basically put him in jail for the rest of his life. I mean it was pretty horrible. Still, hope the kiddies enjoy activities like Cooking the Books, Pyramid Scheme, Hush Money, Take the Money and Run, and more. Seriously, this is a real book from Amazon.

Now this is just crazy since we all know what Bernie Madoff did basically put him in jail for the rest of his life. I mean it was pretty horrible. Still, hope the kiddies enjoy activities like Cooking the Books, Pyramid Scheme, Hush Money, Take the Money and Run, and more. Seriously, this is a real book from Amazon.

Now young children can enjoy how set up their own little Ponzi schemes on Wall Street from America’s #1 financial sociopath.

12. National Security Space Strategy Considerations by Rick Larned, Cathy Swan Ph.D., and Peter Swan Ph.D.

Now this is pretty bad photoshop. Not sure if having patrol cars in outer space will do the trick. But, oh well, makes a funny cover image anyway. Also makes the book hard to take seriously despite it being written by people who seem to know their stuff.

Now this is pretty bad photoshop. Not sure if having patrol cars in outer space will do the trick. But, oh well, makes a funny cover image anyway. Also makes the book hard to take seriously despite it being written by people who seem to know their stuff.

Would’ve been one of those boring documents that never seen the light of day, except for the police car with rocket blasters orbiting the earth.

13. Meanwhile Back at the Morgue by Mike Avallone

Hate to break it to you, but I'm sure the cover has the brunette on the bearskin rug looking very much alive. Then again, I'm not sure if I'd trust her either. She might be the killer for all we know.

Hate to break it to you, but I’m sure the cover has the brunette on the bearskin rug looking very much alive. Then again, I’m not sure if I’d trust her either. She might be the killer for all we know.

Can’t tell whether this is a pulp mystery or a sleazy romance novel.

14. Bumsider by C.C.MacApp

Now that's probably one of the most evil equines I've ever see. Besides, who the hell would want to title their book Bumsider? Seriously, seems like a sci-fi book taking place inside somebody's large intestine.

Now that’s probably one of the most evil equines I’ve ever see. Besides, who the hell would want to title their book Bumsider? Seriously, seems like a sci-fi book taking place inside somebody’s large intestine.

Featuring some clawing, bipedal horses if I were to see on the cover.

15. Moorcock: The Blood Red Game

Now other than the tunnel of red ghosts on the cover, I have to feel bad for the shirtless afroed Moorcock in this book. Seems like the kind of guy who was bullied a lot in school. Yeah, that name really doesn't help him, save maybe in porn.

Now other than the tunnel of red ghosts on the cover, I have to feel bad for the shirtless afroed Moorcock in this book. Seems like the kind of guy who was bullied a lot in school. Yeah, that name really doesn’t help him, save maybe in porn.

I wonder what kind of mother would think of her teenage kid reading a book with that title which has nothing to do with porn.

16. The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkein

And it seems that Gollum keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Boy, he sure looks like hell on this cover. Still, I wonder if Bilbo Baggins should get a membership for the Ye Olde Shire Gym when he comes home.

And it seems that Gollum keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Boy, he sure looks like hell on this cover. Still, I wonder if Bilbo Baggins should get a membership for the Ye Olde Shire Gym when he comes home.

Seems like Bilbo Baggins really needs to lay off the second breakfast Egg McMuffins these days. This journey might give him the work out he needs to stave off that Type II Diabetes.

17. Wizard of Storms by Dave Van Arnam

Doesn't help that the cover features two naked guys trying to catch the wizard guy's balls. Wait a minute, did I just say that? Please, I don't want to know why.

Doesn’t help that the cover features two naked guys trying to catch the wizard guy’s balls. Wait a minute, did I just say that? Please, I don’t want to know why.

I haven’t seen such homoerotic wizardry since J.K. Rowling’s Dumbledore’s Closet.

18. The Muffin Muncher by Stephen Cosgrove and illustrated by Robin James

Unfortunately, a muffin muncher can also mean something quite a bit different from what this book implies. Let's just say I can't talk about what Urban Dictionary's definition of a muffin muncher. Except that it has absolutely nothing to do with muffins. Probably is subject to as much misinterpretation as Puff the Magic Dragon.

Unfortunately, a muffin muncher can also mean something quite a bit different from what this book implies. Let’s just say I can’t talk about what Urban Dictionary’s definition of a muffin muncher. Except that it has absolutely nothing to do with muffins. Probably is subject to as much misinterpretation as Puff the Magic Dragon.

Just another children’s book about some innocent dragon who likes muffins, right?

19. The Magical Scarecrows: A Chanukah Guessing Games and Colouring Book by Auntie Lynn Santer

Now this looks like something you'd put on a greeting card commemorating a brisk. Also, what the hell do magical scarecrows have to do with Chanukah? Then again, I'm not a Jew so I'd probably not understand these things. But when I hear about magical scarecrows, I'm more likely to think about the Wizard of Oz than anything pertaining to Judaism.

Now this looks like something you’d put on a greeting card commemorating a brisk. Also, what the hell do magical scarecrows have to do with Chanukah? Then again, I’m not a Jew so I’d probably not understand these things. But when I hear about magical scarecrows, I’m more likely to think about the Wizard of Oz than anything pertaining to Judaism.

Love to thank the Lord for a moment to give thanks that bad religious book covers aren’t just limited to Christianity.

20. Perry Rhodan der Erbe des Universums: Die Mikro-Festung (AKA The Micro-Fortress) by K.H. Scheer and Clark Dalton

Now this is part of a famous German sci-fi series from the 1960s which has sold over a billion copies. It's the most successful sci-fi book series ever written. However, you'd think a series like this would have a better cover design. Looks like that rocket ship is has launched from Perry's pants.

Now this is part of a famous German sci-fi series from the 1960s which has sold over a billion copies. It’s the most successful sci-fi book series ever written. However, you’d think a series like this would have a better cover design. Looks like that rocket ship is has launched from Perry’s pants.

Is is just me or does it seem that there’s a rocket launching from some astronaut’s ass?

21. Godsfire by Cynthia Felice

Of course, you have to wonder about people who think that a sci-fi story set on a cat people planet could ever be taken seriously. Also, I heard their Almighty Cat God is Fluffers.

Of course, you have to wonder about people who think that a sci-fi story set on a cat people planet could ever be taken seriously. Also, I heard their Almighty Cat God is Fluffers.

Guess this sci-fi book draws inspiration from Star Wars and Cats.

22. A Serbian 8th Grade Biology Textbook

I'd especially love to see the chapter on human reproductive systems. It would be quite disappointing to find that this book says nothing about the nature of chronic menstrual cramps in African American men. Also, I'm sure the baby on this cover is actually a child they kidnapped because of her fertility problems and his criminal record. Seriously, if you saw the movie, you'd know this.

I’d especially love to see the chapter on human reproductive systems. It would be quite disappointing to find that this book says nothing about the nature of chronic menstrual cramps in African American men. Also, I’m sure the baby on this cover is actually a child they kidnapped from some rich guy because of her fertility problems and his criminal record. Seriously, if you saw Raising Arizona, you’d know this.

Little did the Coen Brothers know that their 1980s comedy featuring child abduction, apocalyptic bikers, and Nicholas Cage would be pictured on a bio text book for 13 year olds.

23. Peggy’s Sexcess by Dan Brook

I guess that parent teacher conferences will be getting a whole lot awkward from now on. Yeah, I'm sure a skin tight bodysuit isn't allowed in the school dress code. Especially ones that expose the nipples.

I guess that parent teacher conferences will be getting a whole lot awkward from now on. Yeah, I’m sure a skin tight bodysuit isn’t allowed in the school dress code. Especially ones that expose the nipples.

“Don’t be shy, Peggy. This is your new mommy. We’re going to have so much fun together!”

24. Swords in the Mist by Fritz Leiber

I guess someone's going to be sushi tonight, and I'm sure it's not the octopus. Yeah, can't tell whether it's one of the lamest things I've seen or the coolest. And I guess there are the scantily clad purple and green girls in the background.

I guess someone’s going to be sushi tonight, and I’m sure it’s not the octopus. Yeah, can’t tell whether it’s one of the lamest things I’ve seen or the coolest. And I guess there are the scantily clad purple and green girls in the background.

Our muscular hero with a toga wedgie might be one of the best warriors of the galaxy, but can he get past the dreaded sword fighting octopus?

25. The Stray Shopping Cars of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification by Julian Montague

In the book, the author makes an elaborate system pertaining to abandoned shopping carts. From Amazon:

In the book, the author makes an elaborate system pertaining to abandoned shopping carts. From Amazon: “In The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America author Julian Montague has created an elaborate classification system of abandoned shopping carts, accompanied by photographic documentation of actual stray cart sightings. These sightings include bucolically littered locations such as the Niagara River Gorge (where many a cart has been pushed to its untimely death) and mundane settings that look suspiciously like a suburb near you. “

A must have for the homeless at bookstores everywhere.

26. Political Satire of the Whore of Babylon Biblical Revelation by R. Archer

Now I get that Hillary may not be well liked among this book's target audience. But come on, to call her the Whore of Babylon is kind of exaggerating. And I'm sure she doesn't have evil red eyes. Besides, I highly doubt that the Whore of Babylon would ever put up with spending her days in a pantsuit.

Now I get that Hillary may not be well liked among this book’s target audience. But come on, to call her the Whore of Babylon is kind of exaggerating. And I’m sure she doesn’t have evil red eyes. Besides, I highly doubt that the Whore of Babylon would ever put up with spending her days in a pantsuit.

Seems like somebody really doesn’t like Hillary Clinton.

27. The Rifleman

Now The Rifleman was a western TV show pertaining to a father and son in the 1950s. However, though I'm sure this book's for kids, the cover image suggests otherwise.

Now The Rifleman was a western TV show pertaining to a father and son in the 1950s. However, though I’m sure this book’s for kids, the cover image suggests otherwise.

I think the designers didn’t think about the implications involving the log’s proximity to the man’s crotch.

28. Child of Flame by Kate Elliot

Then again, I'm sure his red mane gives the princess something to hold onto during the ride. However, I'm sure the destination won't be so pleasant from what I can tell by the guy's facial expressions.

Then again, I’m sure his red mane gives the princess something to hold onto during the ride. However, I’m sure the destination won’t be so pleasant from what I can tell by the guy’s facial expressions.

Have no idea why the griffin in this cover has a demonic human head resembling a rock musician from the 1980s.

29. A Feast Unknown by Philip Jose Farmer

Since it's an

Since it’s an “adults only” book, you can speculate this is about a 1980s bodybuilder transported to some wilderness where he has only his rifle to survive. Still, the guy’s proportions are terrible since he seems to have no hips.

Let’s just say that I’m sure this guy is trying to compensate for something. Or he’s just that manly to go out hunting so scantily.

30. Surfing Samurai Robots by Mel Gilden

Now this just looks ridiculous. Also, I wonder what that thing is in a green coat and jeans. Doesn't seem to be in place here. Not to mention, the robot duck is quite adorable.

Now this just looks ridiculous. Also, I wonder what that thing is in a green coat and jeans. Doesn’t seem to be in place here. Not to mention, the robot duck is quite adorable.

Seems like that woman is very turned on by the muscle bound samurai robot in a speedo.

31. Liberace: Your Personal Fashion Consultant by Michael and Karen Feder

Now who in their right mind would want to wear that outfit? Might be something that Liberace would wear. But everyone else? Hell, no! I'm sure any normal guy wearing this would be thrown out of every bar in town, save the place they serve the gays. Seriously, this must be a joke.

Now who in their right mind would want to wear that outfit? Might be something that Liberace would wear. But everyone else? Hell, no! I’m sure any normal guy wearing this would be thrown out of every bar in town, save the place they serve the gays. Seriously, this must be a joke.

Oh, no, they can’t be serious! Why would anyone want Liberace as their personal fashion consultant?

32. The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank

What's even worse is that this book's been published with photos of Anne Frank for decades. Why a designer in South Korea thought replacing her with a slutty blond, I have no idea. Seriously, there's no excuse for having a cover like this.

What’s even worse is that this book’s been published with photos of Anne Frank for decades. Why a designer in South Korea thought replacing her with a slutty blond, I have no idea. Seriously, there’s no excuse for having a cover like this.

Jesus Christ! Anne Frank was a Jewish teenage girl during the Holocaust! She died in a concentration camp for God’s sake! Not some skanky blonde call girl from LA!

33. Ma! There’s Nothing to Do Here! by Barbara Park and illustrated by Vivianna Garofoli

Yes, I know childbirth and pregnancy can be disgusting. But still, I'm sure this woman should opt for a c-section since the baby has such an over-sized head. Also, maybe it's best to leave the childbirth out of kiddie books. Just for the sake of not having covers like this.

Yes, I know childbirth and pregnancy can be disgusting. But still, I’m sure this woman should opt for a c-section since the baby has such an over-sized head. Also, maybe it’s best to leave the childbirth out of kiddie books. Just for the sake of not having covers like this.

Let’s just say that womb illustration gives me the creeps.

34. Compensating for Something by Ana Leigh

Wouldn't be surprised if this book pertained to some Brokeback Mountain type romance. Yet, I'm sure the guy won't disrobe on his wedding night due to possessing a tiny shaft.

Wouldn’t be surprised if this book pertained to some Brokeback Mountain type romance. Yet, I’m sure the guy won’t disrobe on his wedding night due to possessing a tiny shaft.

Guess this is about a cowboy’s struggle with his insecure masculinity.

35. The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III

I'm sure this girl's vagina isn't really haunted. Might seem that way because she's a demon. But as the skeletons can tell you, there were plenty of guys who just didn't listen.

I’m sure this girl’s vagina isn’t really haunted. Might seem that way because she’s a demon. But as the skeletons can tell you, there were plenty of guys who just didn’t listen.

Of course, the horns on her ears should’ve been a warning that she was bad news.

36. Jimmy’s Lawn Service by Tory Napoli

Seems like Jimmy will have a lot of explaining to do for being quite a busy boy. Hope he doesn't get into much trouble screwing every woman in town. Because no man wants to deal with child support, jealous husbands, paternity suits, possibly murder, and more. So perhaps guys should just keep it in their pants or use protection.

Seems like Jimmy will have a lot of explaining to do for being quite a busy boy. Hope he doesn’t get into much trouble screwing every woman in town. Because no man wants to deal with child support, jealous husbands, paternity suits, possibly murder, and more. So perhaps guys should just keep it in their pants or use protection.

Guess landscaping isn’t Jimmy’s only service in this case. Hope he’s at least 18.

37. The Feminists by Parley J. Cooper

Man, seems like someone really doesn't like feminism according to the cover. Of course, he probably has no idea of what feminism is and thinks they hate men, instead of the structural patriarchal sexism that they have to put up with every day of their lives. Seems the author doesn't notice this. And I'm sure he really hates women as you see on the cover.

Man, seems like someone really doesn’t like feminism according to the cover. Of course, he probably has no idea of what feminism is and thinks they hate men, instead of the structural patriarchal sexism that they have to put up with every day of their lives. Seems the author doesn’t notice this. And I’m sure he really hates women as you see on the cover.

Guess this is a rather popular book for misogynistic trolls on Reddit, Talk Radio fans, and men’s rights activists.

38. The Sheik by E.M. Hull

Actually I've seen the movie which is about a supposedly Arab sheik who kidnaps and nearly rapes a white woman in Northern Africa. But they fall in love. Guaranteed to anger Muslims and feminists alike. Well, if it weren't for the fact that the movie hadn't aged bad enough to be an unintentional comedy (it was made in the 1920s). Also, he's actually English and Spanish, which doesn't seem believable in the least bit.

Actually I’ve seen the movie which is about a supposedly Arab sheik who kidnaps and nearly rapes a white woman in Northern Africa. But they fall in love. Guaranteed to anger Muslims and feminists alike. Well, if it weren’t for the fact that the movie hadn’t aged bad enough to be an unintentional comedy (it was made in the 1920s). Also, he’s actually English and Spanish, which doesn’t seem believable in the least bit.

A romance between a rich Arab guy and a white woman who can fit in his hand.

39. Moosed-Up by Tiffinie Helmer

Actually it would be better if they actually kill the moose, stuffed its head, and then used his antlers as a clothes rack. Because moose aren't very nice animals and kill more people than bears.

Actually it would be better if they actually kill the moose, stuffed its head, and then used his antlers as a clothes rack. Because moose aren’t very nice animals and kill more people than bears.

I’m sure the bull moose would be ideally suited for a clothes rack. And by the clothes, I guess it’s a romance novel.

40. Changing Planes by Ursula K. Le Guin

Naked woman rising from a corn husk in the morning? Now that's messed up. Seriously, I've heard of corns but this is ridiculous. Also bad photoshop.

Naked woman rising from a corn husk in the morning? Now that’s messed up. Seriously, I’ve heard of corns but this is ridiculous. Also bad photoshop.

Seems like at least one of the Children of the Corn is all grown up.

41. The Game of Love by Jean Rossetta

Also, I'm not sure if

Also, I’m not sure if “Ho Ho,” is a great name for a game show in a romance novel. Besides, we all know that she’s going to end up on the Goodyear Blimp with the Michelin Tire Man.

It was said that her hair was molded from the finest tire rubber, no doubt.

42. Duck Dy-Nasty: Nasty Gays with Big Guns by Sky Eagleday

Of course, this cover image is just ridiculous. Besides, pointing a gun at a rubber duck? I'm sure it'll traumatize little kids. But adults will find such an image too hilarious to take this book seriously.

Of course, this cover image is just ridiculous. Besides, pointing a gun at a rubber duck? I’m sure it’ll traumatize little kids. But adults will find such an image too hilarious to take this book seriously.

Man, seems Rubber Ducky will soon be off to the great bathtub in the sky. Ernie must be horrified.

43. Santa Claus Lays the Virgin by Rachel Jakes

Oooh, boy, looks like Santa belongs on the naughty list as of this Christmas. Yeah, screwing scantily clad teenage girls can do that for you. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Chris Kringle these days?

Oooh, boy, looks like Santa belongs on the naughty list as of this Christmas. Yeah, screwing scantily clad teenage girls can do that for you. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Chris Kringle these days?

Seems like Santa is a dirty old man and I’m sure that Mrs. Claus will at least have him sleep on the couch after this.

44. A Gronking to Remember by Lacey Noonan

This book was actually subject to a lawsuit by an Ohio couple alleging the author had used their engagement photo without their permission. I'm surprised that it wasn't sued by the New England Patriots. It also has a sequel called Chad Goes Deep in the Neutral Zone.

This book was actually subject to a lawsuit by an Ohio couple alleging the author had used their engagement photo without their permission. I’m surprised that it wasn’t sued by the New England Patriots. It also has a sequel called Chad Goes Deep in the Neutral Zone.

“It was a passion that could not be spiked,” as well as fumbled, snatched, or intercepted.

45. Crystal Cabbage: Meth Whore by E. L. Vyse

I'm sure this author is really aiming for fans of Breaking Bad. Still, I can understand the image. Because featuring a real meth whore on the cover wouldn't be a sure sell. Then again, she could've used Gollum who's a pretty close approximation.

I’m sure this author is really aiming for fans of Breaking Bad. Still, I can understand the image. Because featuring a real meth whore on the cover wouldn’t be a sure sell. Then again, she could’ve used Gollum who’s a pretty close approximation.

I’m sure if she was a real meth whore, she’d look way less attractive than that. And I bet her teeth are better looking, too.

46. How to Catch Crabs by Demelza Carlton

Let's hope the crab catching these people do doesn't lead to them itching and scratching their nether regions afterwards. Then again, if one of them has crabs, then they should probably see a doctor and keep it in their pants.

Let’s hope the crab catching these people do doesn’t lead to them itching and scratching their nether regions afterwards. Then again, if one of them has crabs, then they should probably see a doctor and keep it in their pants.

Actually I’d rather learn how not to catch crabs, thank you very much.

47. Dating for Under a Dollar: 301 Ideas compiled by Blair Tolman

Sure it might be handy during tough economic times. But would you really want to be seen buying it is the question. Also known as

Sure it might be handy during tough economic times. But would you really want to be seen buying it is the question. Not to mention, I’m not sure how they came up with 301 dating ideas under a buck. Just seems impossible at a time when a typical McDonald’s meal costs more. Also known as “301 First Dates.” And not with the same person.

I’m sure some of these will have to be adjusted for inflation.

48. Taken by the Toaster by Dick Thumper

If I saw my boyfriend in bed with a toaster, I wouldn't be accusing him of cheating. Actually, I'd think he's losing his mind and should get his head examined. Seriously, a love story between a man and his toaster, why?

If I saw my boyfriend in bed with a toaster, I wouldn’t be accusing him of cheating. Actually, I’d think he’s losing his mind and should get his head examined. Seriously, a love story between a man and his toaster, why?

Seems like this is a little too attached to his kitchen appliances.

49. A Pagan’s Nightmare by Ray Blackston

But that doesn't mean embracing Christianity ha s prevented Jaws from eating people, though. He still finds their flesh too tempting for his own good.

But that doesn’t mean embracing Christianity ha s prevented Jaws from eating people, though. He still finds their flesh too tempting for his own good.

Guess our favorite great white has embraced the teachings of Jesus Christ by the looks of it.

50. True Romance by Beth Kincaid

Now I'm sure this is supposed to be geared to young girls and Katie has probably has no fantasies about banging horses whatsoever. Still, the title and tagline don't help matters. And might suggest that this book pertains to pre-teen girls and bestiality.

Now I’m sure this is supposed to be geared to young girls and Katie has probably has no fantasies about banging horses whatsoever. Still, the title and tagline don’t help matters. And might suggest that this book pertains to pre-teen girls and bestiality.

“Katie’s fallen in love- with a horse, of course!” Seriously, why go with that tagline?

51. What a Body! by Alan Green

From the cover:

From the cover: “Murder shouldn’t be fun, but Sandra was luscious enough to eat, and Hugo’s ideas about what to do with her were rather different.” Okay, maybe she should probably dump him and run to the nearest police station. It’s probably the sanest thing to do.

Also known as Yes, He’s Just That Into You But in a Very, Very Bad Way.

52. A Solitary Man by Beverly Bird

Man:

Man: “Oh, sweetheart, I want to make ravishing love to you under the full moon. I need you. I want you. I love you. You set my soul on fire.”
Woman: “Not tonight. Not ever. And if you don’t leave now, I shall file for a restraining order against you so I’ll never have to see you again.”

And will very much remain so according to the cover.

53. Randy Bamboo in Chicken City by RC Beaird and illustrated by Amy Koch Johnston

Yeah, this is children's book with one of the dirtiest titles I've ever read. I'm sure perverted parents are bound to be disappointed. Also, Chicken City kind of looks segregated. Just a thought.

Yeah, this is children’s book with one of the dirtiest titles I’ve ever read. I’m sure perverted parents are bound to be disappointed. Also, Chicken City kind of looks segregated. Just a thought.

From Bad Book Covers: “Try to come up with a kids’ book title that sounds more like a euphemism for a Thai sex tour. You cannot.”

54. Always Ask a Man: the Key to Femininity by Arlene Dahl

And by

And by “femininity” she probably means “indentured servitude.” I may hate burning books, but I’ll make this one an exception. Why should I ask a men how to be feminine, good God.

Worst advice about being a woman ever.

55. I Saw Him First by Marjorie Sharmat

Looks like these two girls are fighting over a robot who has absolutely no fashion sense and seems to like Hostess cupcakes. Also, he might be blind. Then again, maybe it's a teenage

Looks like these two girls are fighting over a robot who has absolutely no fashion sense and seems to like Hostess cupcakes. Also, he might be blind. Then again, maybe it’s a teenage “Weekend at Bernie’s” situation which might be quite terrifying.

From how I see it, the guy seems to have such a total lack of personality that he’s not even worth the attention.

56. The Lady Was a Man by Mark Shane

I have to admit, if I saw a man in women's clothes, I'd probably know. It's usually not that hard to figure out gender. Nevertheless, this guy might have some issues with his sexuality after that moment.

I have to admit, if I saw a man in women’s clothes, I’d probably know. It’s usually not that hard to figure out gender. Nevertheless, this guy might have some issues with his sexuality after that moment. Also, the abstract suggests date rape, which I think is even more disturbing. I meaning knocking out someone to disrobe is certainly a prelude to it. Guy must have serious problems.

Guess he’s never heard of “Lola” or The Crying Game.

57. Risky Dishes for Rescue Dogs by Howie “Homeboy” MacScruff

And I'm sure dogs shouldn't be eating some of that food on the table. Particularly the sundae with chocolate sauce. To a dog, that's a very lethal dessert.

And I’m sure dogs shouldn’t be eating some of that food on the table. Particularly the sundae with chocolate sauce. To a dog, that’s a very lethal dessert.

He didn’t choose the pound life. Pound life chose him.

58. Eminent Victorians by Lytton Strachey

Even if you haven't read this book, you should know that a book about famous people in the Victorian age shouldn't have a Viking on it. Better go with a picture of Charles Dickens, not Eric the Red. Seems like the cover designer knows nothing about history. Or just thinks a Viking on the cover looks cool.

Even if you haven’t read this book, you should know that a book about famous people in the Victorian age shouldn’t have a Viking on it. Better go with a picture of Charles Dickens, not Eric the Red. Seems like the cover designer knows nothing about history. Or just thinks a Viking on the cover looks cool.

Cover seems to give the impression that the Victorian Era took place in the 9th century, not the 19th.

59. Life of Chopin by Franz Lizst

For God's sake, Frederic Chopin was a French-Polish pianist who had a 9 year love affair with George Sand. Also he lived during the 19th century Romantic Era and died young. He was never a guitar wielding folksinger from the 1960s who wore Levis. Did these people even do their research?

For God’s sake, Frederic Chopin was a French-Polish pianist who had a 9 year love affair with George Sand. Also he lived during the 19th century Romantic Era and died young. He was never a guitar wielding folksinger from the 1960s who wore Levis. Did these people even do their research?

Seems more appropriate for a Johnny Cash biography to me.

60. Norwegian Life by Ethlyn T. Clough

For those who think that Norway would make a great tropical vacation spot this summer, you must be sorely mistaken. Seriously, that looks more like the Bahamas than Norway. Besides, part of Norway is in the Arctic circle not on the Equator.

For those who think that Norway would make a great tropical vacation spot this summer, you must be sorely mistaken. Seriously, that looks more like the Bahamas than Norway. Besides, part of Norway is in the Arctic circle not on the Equator. Someone really knows nothing about geography.

For God’s sake, that doesn’t look the least like a place with terrible winters. And I’m sure they don’t have palm trees any more than they have parrots.

Rally Around the Flag – Or Not

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

Collection-national-flags

You might remember me talking about the US Flag in my “How to Treat an American Flag” article a I posted earlier this year. Or you might’ve read my longer and more serious article of why the Confederate Flag should be removed as well as debunked the most common claims of keeping it around. However, this is a post about flags, because after all they’re quite important emblems of certain groups and entities whether they be countries, states, provinces, cities, or what not. Thus, in many ways they tend to be symbols. A well designed flag will inspire pride than one made otherwise. There’s also a study of flag design called Vexillology and people in this field believe that a well-designed flag should fit these criteria (from the Portland Flag Association).

  1. Keep It Simple. The flag should be so simple that a child can draw it from memory…
  2. Use Meaningful Symbolism. The flag’s images, colors, or patterns should relate to what it symbolizes…
  3. Use 2 or 3 Basic Colors. Limit the number of colors on the flag to three which contrast well and come from the standard color set…
  4. No Lettering or Seals. Never use writing on any kind or an organization’s seal…
  5. Be Distinctive or Be Related. Avoid duplicating other flags, but use similarities to show connections…

Now I can go on and on about all the great flags out there. But you’d be bored to tears sh I’ll show you a collection of designs that made people wonder, what the hell they were thinking? Because when you have great flags inspiring patriotism and pride, there are others that lead people to keep them as far away from the public spotlight as possible. So for your reading pleasure, here are some not so great flags from around the world. By the way, if I insult anyone’s flag, I deeply apologize.

1. Venice, Italy

Granted, this was derived from the old flag of the Venice Republic. But still, while the winged lion with a book is actually cool, it's surrounded by too many border designs. Also, on the borders are 7 tiny little flags or coats of arms. I can't tell. I'd more or less expect such design to be on a box for a D&D game.

Granted, this was derived from the old flag of the Venice Republic. But still, while the winged lion with a book is actually cool, it’s surrounded by too many border designs. Also, on the borders are 7 tiny little flags or coats of arms. I can’t tell. I’d more or less expect such design to be on a box for a D&D game.

2. Chimbu, Papua New Guinea

Now I think the stars and the bird are fine. But with the crossed branches over a circle? I think the province is kind of overdoing it. A plain green sash would've been fine. Really.

Now I think the stars and the bird are fine. But with the crossed branches over a circle? I think the province is kind of overdoing it. A plain green sash would’ve been fine. Really.

3. Saint-Pierre and Miquelon, Canada

This is a tiny island territory off the coast of Newfoundland. The three flags on the left are supposed to represent the Basques, Bretons, and Normans. However, the boat seems to be drawn straight from a Saturday morning cartoon. Or an educational cartoon about Christopher Columbus from the 1970s.

This is a tiny island territory off the coast of Newfoundland. The three flags on the left are supposed to represent the Basques, Bretons, and Normans. However, the boat seems to be drawn straight from a Saturday morning cartoon. Or an educational cartoon about Christopher Columbus from the 1970s.

4. Louisiana, United States

For one, the comma is missing between,

For one, the comma is missing between, “union and “justice.” However, while the image appears initially wholesome of a mother pelican feeding her babies, it gets quite disturbing when you realize that she’s feeding them with her own blood. Yikes! Seriously, what’s the matter with you, Louisiana? And those drops of blood were only added in 2006. Really.

5. Ishikawa, Japan

Apparently, Japanese Kanji doesn't translate well into certain fonts. From looking at this, Americans might get the impression that Ishikawa is an obscure Japanese auto corporation instead of a civic entity that it really is.

Apparently, Japanese Kanji doesn’t translate well into certain fonts. From looking at this, Americans might get the impression that Ishikawa is an obscure Japanese auto corporation instead of a civic entity that it really is.

6. Nunatsiavut, Labrador, Canada

Now this is for a homeland in northern Labrador in Canada. The symbol is supposed to be derived in Inukshuk origin. However, to many it resembles an abstract art rendition of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Must give a lot of Inuk children nightmares.

Now this is for a homeland in northern Labrador in Canada. The symbol is supposed to be derived in Inukshuk origin. However, to many it resembles an abstract art rendition of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters. Must give a lot of Inuk children nightmares.

7. Glarus, Switzerland

Now this consists of a frowning monk with a halo, a staff resembling an antenna, and a book all in yellow. Guess this guy's frowning due to his inability to bring the word of God to the extraterrestrials.

Now this consists of a frowning monk with a halo, a staff resembling an antenna, and a book all in yellow. Guess this guy’s frowning due to his inability to bring the word of God to the extraterrestrials.

8. Marijampole, Lithuania

I know the guy is supposed to be sowing seeds, but I can't help but look at this and get the impression of the Quaker Oats guy throwing out Rice Krispies. Also, the border does little to give this flag any dignity whatsoever.

I know the guy is supposed to be sowing seeds, but I can’t help but look at this and get the impression of the Quaker Oats guy throwing out Rice Krispies. Also, the border does little to give this flag any dignity whatsoever.

9. Connacht, Ireland

Guess the inspiration for this one was a major disagreement between whether the a black eagle or an arm with sword would be more badass. The factions settled on a compromise and got this. Yeah, should've went with one or the other.

Guess the inspiration for this one was a major disagreement between whether the a black eagle or an arm with sword would be more badass. The factions settled on a compromise and got this. Yeah, should’ve went with one or the other.

10. Buddhism

For one, Buddhism has a flag? Secondly, this resembles a TV test pattern that's usually accompanied by a high pitched beep at 4 a.m. But I'm sure the designer didn't know that.

For one, Buddhism has a flag? Secondly, this resembles a TV test pattern that’s usually accompanied by a high pitched beep at 4 a.m. But I’m sure the designer didn’t know that.

11. Benin Empire

Now this was the flag for the Pre-Colonial Benin Empire situated in modern Nigeria which lasted from 1440-1897. From looking at this flag I guess their motto was,

Now this was the flag for the Pre-Colonial Benin Empire situated in modern Nigeria which lasted from 1440-1897. From looking at this flag I guess their motto was, “Get in my personal space and I’ll cut your bloody head off!” Yeah, decapitation is just a wonderful flag motif.

12. Guam, United States

Think of it as a cross between a cheap souvenir T-shirt from the Bahamas and a Georgia O'Keefe painting. Now imagine if such combination was drawn by a third grader. Sorry, Guam, but your flag is just ugly.

Think of it as a cross between a cheap souvenir T-shirt from the Bahamas and a Georgia O’Keefe painting. Now imagine if such combination was drawn by a third grader. Sorry, Guam, but your flag is just ugly.

13. Fryslan, the Netherlands

For some reason, I can't help looking at this flag and imagine it being a pattern on somebody's underwear. I just don't know why.

For some reason, I can’t help looking at this flag and imagine it being a pattern on somebody’s underwear. I just don’t know why.

14. Isle of Man, Great Britain

It's said that the three-legged triskelion was a symbol in Mycenae and Lycia back in Ancient Greece. However, I think it's rather creepy as hell if you ask me. Three detached legs with no body doesn't look right to me for some reason.

It’s said that the three-legged triskelion was a symbol in Mycenae and Lycia back in Ancient Greece. However, I think it’s rather creepy as hell if you ask me. Three detached legs with no body doesn’t look right to me for some reason.

15. Antwerp, Belgium

Either this is a closeup image from MS Paint or a NASCAR flag on acid. Any way you put it, it's quite horrendous if you get my drift.

Either this is a closeup image from MS Paint or a NASCAR flag on acid. Any way you put it, it’s quite horrendous if you get my drift.

16. Mozambique

Now the hoe and the book convey the best interests Mozambique wants for its people. But an AK-47? Could you imagine anything worse than that on a flag for an African nation? Seriously, why?

Now the hoe and the book convey the best interests Mozambique wants for its people. But an AK-47? Could you imagine anything worse than that on a flag for an African nation? Seriously, why?

17. Swaziland

While the colors schemes are fine, I'm not sure about the weapons. Yes, shields and spears are part of that country's traditional African culture, but still. Having weapons on your flag kind of sends the wrong message. And given the highly negative stereotypes about Africa, Swaziland ought to know better.

While the colors schemes are fine, I’m not sure about the weapons. Yes, shields and spears are part of that country’s traditional African culture, but still. Having weapons on your flag kind of sends the wrong message. And given the highly negative stereotypes about Africa, Swaziland ought to know better.

18. Northern Marianas Islands, United States

Well, there's at least someone in the Northern Marianas Island who knows how to use a computer. Unfortunately, the inhabitants didn't realize that designing a flag from clip art isn't a great idea.

Well, there’s at least someone in the Northern Marianas Island who knows how to use a computer. Unfortunately, the inhabitants didn’t realize that designing a flag from clip art isn’t a great idea.

19. U. S. Virgin Islands, United States

Now I have to admit, this flag would look great as a design for a license plate. But as an actual flag? Not so much. Also, I'm sure that eagle emblem came straight out of clip art.

Now I have to admit, this flag would look great as a design for a license plate. But as an actual flag? Not so much. Also, I’m sure that eagle emblem came straight out of clip art.

20. Lombardy, Italy

No, this isn't a flag from Comic Con or for a video game competition. It's from a region in Italy that probably invented jacks or the paperweight. If neither, then I'm not sure why they'd design their flag that way.

No, this isn’t a flag from Comic Con or for a video game competition. It’s from a region in Italy that probably invented jacks or the paperweight. If neither, then I’m not sure why they’d design their flag that way.

21. Antarctica

Yes, Antarctica has a flag. It has no inhabitants, no government, and no culture. But it has a flag with its landmass on it. Should've went with a penguin instead.

Yes, Antarctica has a flag. It has no inhabitants, no government, and no culture. But it has a flag with its landmass on it. Should’ve went with a penguin instead.

22. Bermuda

Hmmm....a flag with a picture of a lion holding a picture of a shipwreck mid-plunge. Granted, it was discovered this way by a ship en route to Virginia. Kind of suggests that self-governance isn't Bermuda's strong suit. As for me, Bermuda should've used a flag depicting a pair of Bermuda shorts.

Hmmm….a flag with a picture of a lion holding a picture of a shipwreck mid-plunge. Granted, it was discovered this way by a ship en route to Virginia. Kind of suggests that self-governance isn’t Bermuda’s strong suit. As for me, Bermuda should’ve used a flag depicting a pair of Bermuda shorts.

23. Alo Island, Wallis and Futuna, France

Basically this is for a French territory in the South Pacific. It also commemorates the murder of Catholic missionary Father Chanel who was savagely clubbed and axed to death by natives in the 19th century. To be fair, I can see why the natives didn't care for colonialism and the cultural loss it entails. However, I'm not sure that a savage murder of a priest should really be a historic event a South Pacific island should take pride in. Even if the priest was a complete asshole. Also the style resembles MS Paint.

Basically this is for a French territory in the South Pacific. It also commemorates the murder of Catholic missionary Father Chanel who was savagely clubbed and axed to death by natives in the 19th century. To be fair, I can see why the natives didn’t care for colonialism and the cultural loss it entails. However, I’m not sure that a savage murder of a priest should really be a historic event a South Pacific island should take pride in. Even if the priest was a complete asshole. Also the style resembles MS Paint.

24. Cardiff, Wales, Great Britain

Hmmm....dragon dancing around a leek. Guess the badass dragon flag of Wales was already taken. Still, dragon flag dancing with a flowering wild onion? Is there anything more lame?

Hmmm….dragon dancing around a leek. Guess the badass dragon flag of Wales was already taken. Still, dragon flag dancing with a flowering wild onion? Is there anything more stupid for a flag emblem?

25. Brown County, Nebraska, United States

As Bad Flags would say:

As Bad Flags would say: ” this flag seems to have been designed by a 3rd grader with severe astygmatism using Microsoft Paint circa 1995.” Yeah, I’m sure it has about the kind of artistic merit you’d see in a local commercial.

26. Drnis, Croatia

This flag is supposed to be of the shepherd Saint Roch with a leg wound. Beside him is a dog with a loaf of bread in its mouth. According to legend it's said that Saint Roch cut his leg from a rock so he could feed the dog. But the dog found bread instead. What the significance of that event is to an obscure town in Croatia I'll never know. Also, the guy seems to be licking the staff.

This flag is supposed to be of the shepherd Saint Roch with a leg wound. Beside him is a dog with a loaf of bread in its mouth. According to legend it’s said that Saint Roch cut his leg from a rock so he could feed the dog. But the dog found bread instead. What the significance of that event is to an obscure town in Croatia I’ll never know. Also, the guy seems to be licking the staff.

27. Oceanside, California, United States

Seems more appropriate for a tourist advertisement than a city flag. Seriously, I could easily see it on their brochures, if not T-shirts.

Seems more appropriate for a tourist advertisement than a city flag. Seriously, I could easily see it on their brochures, if not T-shirts.

28. Vina del Mar, Chile

Yes, this is an actual flag. No, it's not a beach towel design. But I suppose this place probably has its flag on souvenir beach towels as well.

Yes, this is an actual flag. No, it’s not a beach towel design. But I suppose this place probably has its flag on souvenir beach towels as well.

29. Rome, Italy

Seems like Rome tends to be in agreement with the Cleveland Browns as far as color schemes go. Still, if you're doing a two color flag, at least pick better colors. And no, brown shouldn't be one of them.

Seems like Rome tends to be in agreement with the Cleveland Browns as far as color schemes go. Still, if you’re doing a two color flag, at least pick better colors. And no, brown shouldn’t be one of them.

30. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States

Now this flag is actually quite decent. However, that doesn't explain the presence of the disembodied arm holding the scales. Seriously, that's fucked up. Yeah, kind of an example in which one weird detail can mess up everything.

Now this flag is actually quite decent. However, that doesn’t explain the presence of the disembodied arm holding the scales. Seriously, that’s fucked up. Yeah, kind of an example in which one weird detail can mess up everything.

31. Provo, Utah, United States

Seem this flag makes Provo look like some obscure corporation that sells camera equipment, vitamins, or chemicals. Fortunately, their city council saw the light and unanimously approved a new design this year.

Seem this flag makes Provo look like some obscure corporation that sells camera equipment, vitamins, or chemicals. Fortunately, their city council saw the light and unanimously approved a new design this year.

32. Siauliai, Lithuania

Now I'm fine with the horned bull an the ferocious bear. But I'm not so sure about the eye pyramid. Might draw in a great many conspiracy theorists, especially those who talk about the Illuminati.

Now I’m fine with the horned bull an the ferocious bear. But I’m not so sure about the eye pyramid. Might draw in a great many conspiracy theorists, especially those who talk about the Illuminati.

33. Belgrade, Serbia

Hate to break it to you, Belgrade. But your flag gives us the impression that your waterways are full of blood. It's kind of terrifying to think about that.

Hate to break it to you, Belgrade. But your flag gives us the impression that your waterways are full of blood. It’s kind of terrifying to think about that.

34. Irkutsk, Russia

Look, Irkutsk, I know that animal predation is a normal part of nature. But that doesn't mean that a predator with an animal carcass in its mouth makes a great flag motif. Seriously, why?

Look, Irkutsk, I know that animal predation is a normal part of nature. But that doesn’t mean that a predator with an animal carcass in its mouth makes a great flag motif. Seriously, why?

35. Ibiza, Spain

Reminds me of a map from a 1990s video game. Particularly one developed with the magic of MS paint.

Reminds me of a map from a 1990s video game. Particularly one developed with the magic of MS paint. Also, the stripes are too much here.

36. Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Seems like Calgary can't seem to tell the difference between what makes an appropriate flag motif and what makes an appropriate sports logo. And when I see this, I think of some college football team in Texas for some reason.

Seems like Calgary can’t seem to tell the difference between what makes an appropriate flag motif and what makes an appropriate sports logo. And when I see this, I think of some college football team in Texas for some reason, not a Canadian city.

37. Mississippi, United States

That banner in the corner is said to represent a time in Mississippi when was the state with the most millionaires (which was around 1860). Of course, anyone familiar with US race relations and history can explain why. It's also used as a symbol for white supremacy through any means necessary, even terrorism or secession from the union just to keep black people in a state of uncompensated involuntary servitude.

That banner in the corner is said to represent a time in Mississippi when was the state with the most millionaires (which was around 1860). Of course, anyone familiar with US race relations and history can explain why. It’s also used as a symbol for white supremacy through any means necessary, even terrorism or secession from the union just to keep black people in a state of uncompensated involuntary servitude.

38. Virginia, United States

Let's see. This flag seems to symbolize Virginia's victory over the Brits in the American Revolution. Of course, I'm not sure why they'd include a woman with an exposed breast killing a crowned guy in a purple outfit. I mean violence and partial nudity aren't stuff you'd want on a flag.

Let’s see. This flag seems to symbolize Virginia’s victory over the Brits in the American Revolution. Of course, I’m not sure why they’d include a woman with an exposed breast killing a crowned guy in a purple outfit. I mean violence and partial nudity aren’t stuff you’d want on a flag.

39. Asku, Kazakhstan

Seems like a more appropriate flag for someone like Jadis, the White Witch or for someone off Game of Thrones. Yeah, that's the most intimidating snowbird I've ever seen.

Seems like a more appropriate flag for someone like Jadis, the White Witch or for someone off Game of Thrones. Yeah, that’s the most intimidating snowbird I’ve ever seen.

40. Hanover Park, Chicago, Illinois, United States

This flag is for a neighborhood in Chicago. From Bad Flags:

This flag is for a neighborhood in Chicago. From Bad Flags: “Hanover Park is home to the world’s strongest man, who can lift a pyramid of eight stick figures above his head.” Also, the logo looks as if it was taken straight out of non-profit organization designed to reach out to economically disadvantaged kids.

41. Herimoncourt, Doubs, Franche-Comte, France

So I guess the badass bat logo was already taken by Batman, no less. Still, the place should've used a better font than Times New Roman. Seriously, a creepier font might do a better job attracting tourists.

So I guess the badass bat logo was already taken by Batman, no less. Still, the place should’ve used a better font than Times New Roman. Seriously, a creepier font might do a better job attracting tourists.

42. Hezbollah

If I was a member of this Shitte paramilitary organization in Lebanon, I'd be embarrassed to have a flag like this. Now I can understand the hand holding an AK-47. But I don't think what's left of the arm resembles anything of a minaret or a rocket to me. To be discreet here, you might want to call a focus group.

If I was a member of this Shitte paramilitary organization in Lebanon, I’d be embarrassed to have a flag like this. Now I can understand the hand holding an AK-47. But I don’t think what’s left of the arm resembles anything of a minaret or a rocket to me. To be discreet here, you might want to call a focus group.

43. Greene County, Ohio, United States

“Dammit, Orville, watch out for that clock tower.” Seriously, this flag looks like it was designed from the computer program my mom uses to make birthday cards. That clock tower is totally clip art for sure.

44. Greene County, Virginia, United States

I swear this flag's insignia was probably designed by the same person who did the Mr. Yuck sticker. Well, at least the border anyway. Still, it was probably designed on the back of a cocktail napkin anyway.

I swear this flag’s insignia was probably designed by the same person who did the Mr. Yuck sticker. Well, at least the border anyway. Still, it was probably designed on the back of a cocktail napkin anyway.

45. Irribarren, Venezuela

There's a better way to mix royalty, grayscale, caution symbols, and shark attacks. But this isn't it. Not sure what's that thing in the bottom middle. Wonder who could design a mess like this?

There’s a better way to mix royalty, grayscale, caution symbols, and shark attacks. But this isn’t it. Not sure what’s that thing in the bottom middle. Wonder who could design a mess like this?

46. Yap, Micronesia

That's supposed to resemble a canoe with a sail unfurled, carrying a large Rai. However, to me it looks like a circle with a jet pilot helmet they use in the military.

That’s supposed to resemble a canoe with a sail unfurled, carrying a large Rai. However, to me it looks like a circle with a jet pilot helmet they use in the military.

47. Jainism

Now Jainism is an ancient religion in India which has its own monks, teachers, scriptures, and souls. However, while the color scheme and some of the symbols are nice, there's just one little point of contention. Let's just say two decades of putzes wearing armbands in Germany can taint this flag's 1,000 year legacy forever. Sorry that Nazism and WWII have to ruin everything for you, Jains.

Now Jainism is an ancient religion in India which has its own monks, teachers, scriptures, and souls. However, while the color scheme and some of the symbols are nice, there’s just one little point of contention. Let’s just say two decades of putzes wearing armbands in Germany can taint this flag’s 1,000 year legacy forever. Sorry that Nazism and WWII have to ruin everything for you, Jains.

48. Baie-James, Quebec, Canada

Since when does a city in Canada think that having Hedwig electrocuted would make a great design for a flag? Really, that just makes Harry Potter cry. Also, the set up looks like it's straight from a tourist ad or brochure.

Since when does a city in Canada think that having Hedwig electrocuted would make a great design for a flag? Really, that just makes Harry Potter cry. Also, the set up looks like it’s straight from a tourist ad or brochure.

49. Kvalsund, Norway

Seems like the fish up there are very into 3 way make out sessions. Still, who would've thought that Norwegians were tri-sexual pescatarians? Yeah, that's pretty messed up.

Seems like the fish up there are very into 3 way make out sessions. Still, who would’ve thought that Norwegians were tri-sexual pescatarians? Yeah, that’s pretty messed up.

50. Kyrgyzstan

Seems the national symbol for this country is a radiating tennis ball. Oh, it's said to represent a yurt. Doesn't look like one to me.

Seems the national symbol for this country is a giant flaming tennis ball in the sky. Oh, it’s said to represent a yurt. Doesn’t look like one to me. More like an appropriate logo for Serena Williams.

51. Libya (1977-2011)

I'm sure the government of Libya wanted something fancier. But Muammar Ghadafi insisted that the country's flag match his palace drapes. Seriously, Libya has an amazing history and all they could come up with was a green sheet! Oh, wait, I've heard they might've changed it a few years ago.

I’m sure the government of Libya wanted something fancier. But Moamar Gaddafi insisted that the country’s flag match his palace drapes. Seriously, Libya has an amazing history and all they could come up with was a green sheet! Oh, wait, I’ve heard they might’ve changed it a few years ago.

52. Jekabpils, Latvia

Wonder what that lynx is doing under this tree. Probably going about its business. By the way, do they even have lynxes in Latvia? I think they do. But I've always seen them as a primarily North American feline though.

Wonder what that lynx is doing under this tree. Probably going about its business. By the way, do they even have lynxes in Latvia? I think they do. But I’ve always seen them as a primarily North American feline though.

53. Masoy, Finmark, Norway

I understand the hammer and sickle were already taken. But seriously, a halapik? As Bad Flags says: " It’s an ingenious creation meant to bring total destruction to the wicked baby seal at the business end. As both a bludgenoning tool to smash the seal’s sull and and hacking tool, to drag away the freshly killed cottony soft carcass, you kill two birds (or one innocent infant seal) with one blow." Seriously, a baby seal bludgeoning and ripping tool. Real nice. Maybe they should redesign it with something less medieval and less controversial. Let's not glorify baby seal killing shall we?

I understand the hammer and sickle were already taken. But seriously, a halapik? As Bad Flags says: ” It’s an ingenious creation meant to bring total destruction to the wicked baby seal at the business end. As both a bludgenoning tool to smash the seal’s sull and and hacking tool, to drag away the freshly killed cottony soft carcass, you kill two birds (or one innocent infant seal) with one blow.” Seriously, a baby seal bludgeoning and ripping tool. Real nice. Maybe they should redesign it with something less medieval weaponish and less controversial. Let’s not glorify baby seal killing shall we?

54. Matruh, Egypt

It's supposed to be a goat, which might be cool to some. But I'm not sure it's a flag worthy creature. Also, seems to be running way from a yellow brick wall.

It’s supposed to be a goat, which might be cool to some. But I’m not sure it’s a flag worthy creature. Also, seems to be running way from a yellow brick wall.

55. Mauensee, Lucerne, Switzerland

Now I've heard of flying fish. But I'm kind of sure they don't have feathers. Is it supposed to be an angel fish? If not, then why the hell does this fish have feathered wings?

Now I’ve heard of flying fish. But I’m kind of sure they don’t have feathers. Is it supposed to be an angel fish? If not, then why the hell does this fish have feathered wings?

56. Mont-Laureir, Quebec, Canada

Hate to say this but this looks more like a logo for a 1980s computer company nobody has heard about since. Seriously, I think I saw such similar imagery on hospital buildings or corporate headquarters.

Hate to say this but this looks more like a logo for a 1980s computer company nobody has heard about since. Seriously, I think I saw such similar imagery on hospital buildings or corporate headquarters.

57. Penza Oblast, Russia

Seems like this obscure area in Russia seems to be a fan of resting bitchface Jesus about to overturn changing tables in the Temple of Jerusalem. Not a great example of Russian Orthodox iconography.

Seems like this obscure area in Russia seems to be a fan of resting bitchface Jesus about to overturn changing tables in the Temple of Jerusalem. Not a great example of Russian Orthodox iconography.

58. Inglewood, California, United States

Now this centennial flag doesn't really resemble something you'd fly at city hall. Rather, it resembles some agricultural company logo celebrating its anniversary. Seriously, photoshop? Why?

Now this centennial flag doesn’t really resemble something you’d fly at city hall. Rather, it resembles some agricultural company logo celebrating its anniversary. Seriously, photoshop? Why?

59. Poperinge, Belgium

I guess this place is really into artichokes. Or are those hops or Brussels sprouts? Perhaps they're turtles or cockroaches. Wouldn't see why any place would want to put such designs on its flag.

I guess this place is really into artichokes. Or are those hops or Brussels sprouts? Perhaps they’re turtles or cockroaches. Wouldn’t see why any place would want to put such designs on its flag.

60. Sicily, Italy

Now what's freakier than a flag with 3 disembodied legs? Well, a flag with 3 disembodied leg triskelion and a face on it. Add 3 stalks of wheat and a pair of wings coming out as well. Now that's what I called freaky. Yeah, wonder what the Sicily's flag designer was on when he came up with that idea.

Now what’s freakier than a flag with 3 disembodied legs? Well, a flag with 3 disembodied leg triskelion and a face on it. Add 3 stalks of wheat and a pair of wings coming out as well. Now that’s what I called freaky. Yeah, wonder what the Sicily’s flag designer was on when he came up with that idea.

61. Southland, New Zealand

This doesn't look like a flag motif at all. The setup seems to resemble the kind of motivational posters you'd see in a school library. More like, "Enjoy the adventure of reading" type of message there.

This doesn’t look like a flag motif at all. The setup seems to resemble the kind of motivational posters you’d see in a school library. More like, “Enjoy the adventure of reading” type of message there.

62. Ulan Bator, Mongolia

Now this is supposed to be an anthropomorphic Garuda bird, a mythological creature in Buddhism. However, to me, this is one really ugly flying monkey. He also seems a bit tubby, no offense.

Now this is supposed to be an anthropomorphic Garuda bird, a mythological creature in Buddhism. However, to me, this is one really ugly flying monkey. He also seems a bit tubby, no offense.

63. St. Moritz, Switerland

Now this is supposed to be Saint Mauritius, a Roman soldier from the 3rd century who refused to kill Christians at the behest of Emperor Maximilian. Thus, he and his legion were martyred. Still, as Bad Flags put it: "It looks like a tribute to the first Swedish knight with a pageboy haircut to walk on the moon." Yeah, pretty cartoonish if you ask me.

Now this is supposed to be Saint Mauritius, a Roman soldier from the 3rd century who refused to kill Christians at the behest of Emperor Maximilian. Thus, he and his legion were martyred. Still, as Bad Flags put it: “It looks like a tribute to the first Swedish knight with a pageboy haircut to walk on the moon.” Yeah, pretty cartoonish if you ask me.

64. Szabolcs-Szatmar-Bereg, Hungary

Well, aside from the airmail envelope border, there seems to be a lot of crap on this flag. Guess one place wanted a flag that symbolized the most stuff. Still, it's quite a bit overboard to say the least.

Well, aside from the airmail envelope border, there seems to be a lot of crap on this flag. Guess one place wanted a flag that symbolized the most stuff. Still, it’s quite a bit overboard to say the least.

65. Long Beach, Mississippi, United States

To be fair, this Gulf Coast city has been through a lot of crap like Hurricane Katrina and the Deepwaer Horizon oil spill. However, it's known for growing radishes. Yet, what they have here resembles purple carrots. Oh, wait they actually grew radishes like that? Now I feel bad. Still, from that insignia, they seem to be desperate for tourists.

To be fair, this Gulf Coast city has been through a lot of crap like Hurricane Katrina and the Deepwaer Horizon oil spill. However, it’s known for growing radishes. Yet, what they have here resembles purple carrots. Oh, wait they actually grew radishes like that? Now I feel bad. Still, from that insignia, they seem to be desperate for tourists.

66. Wallonia, Belgium

Now Walloons have a deep reverence for the French Chanticleer rooster, which is from a children's fable. It's said to appear in a movie called Rock-a-Doodle. Yeah, not something you'd want on a flag. You can see why many emblems tend to have eagles on them. Eagles are cool. Chickens not so much.

Now Walloons have a deep reverence for the French Chanticleer rooster, which is from a children’s fable. It’s said to appear in a movie called Rock-a-Doodle. Yeah, not something you’d want on a flag. You can see why many emblems tend to have eagles on them. Eagles are cool. Chickens not so much.

67. Yaroslavl Oblast, Russia

Jesus Christ, a bear with an halberd. Only a matter of time until he learns to use an AK-47 which is a Russian built. Also, it's newly bipedal with oppose able thumbs. Yeah, Russian outdoors people might want to stay away from bears bearing medieval weaponry.

Jesus Christ, a bear with an halberd. Only a matter of time until he learns to use an AK-47 which is a Russian built. Also, it’s newly bipedal with oppose able thumbs. Yeah, Russian outdoors people might want to stay away from bears bearing medieval weaponry.

68. Georgia

This was the state flag of Georgia from the 1950s to 2001. Its reason to have a Confederate flag on its emblem stems from the racist white legislators trying to send a message against desegregation. Luckily, it was replaced with a less racist design in 2001.

This was the state flag of Georgia from the 1950s to 2001. Its reason to have a Confederate flag on its emblem stems from the racist white legislators trying to send a message against desegregation. Luckily, it was replaced with a less racist design in 2001.

69. Orange County, California, United States

Seems like a more appropriate logo for a company that grows oranges. And I sure as hell wouldn't think California as an appropriate place to grow them this time of year. Especially since the state's in drought. Nevertheless, Orange County is a rich person's area that sometimes tends to hoard water for themselves and their golf courses. What a waste.

Seems like a more appropriate logo for a company that grows oranges. And I sure as hell wouldn’t think California as an appropriate place to grow them this time of year. Especially since the state’s in drought. Nevertheless, Orange County is a rich person’s area that sometimes tends to hoard water for themselves and their golf courses. What a waste.

70. Chiapas, Mexico

From Bad Flags: "The center seal tells the story of two lion lovers. The first lion, Eduardo, lives in the palace. The other lion, Timoteo, is stuck on the other side of a rushing river from his love. A deep chasm keeps apart their love. One day, as Eduardo uses his castle as a scratching post, Timoteo gets an idea. If he scratched that palm tree enough, he may be able to break it down and bridge the gap and run to his lover’s open paws. Unfortunately, the tree is just a little short, and Timoteo plunges to his untimely death." Now that's a horrible story. Still, please let it be a joke. Seriously, why would a place in Mexico want a flag depicting such events is beyond me.

From Bad Flags: “The center seal tells the story of two lion lovers. The first lion, Eduardo, lives in the palace. The other lion, Timoteo, is stuck on the other side of a rushing river from his love. A deep chasm keeps apart their love. One day, as Eduardo uses his castle as a scratching post, Timoteo gets an idea. If he scratched that palm tree enough, he may be able to break it down and bridge the gap and run to his lover’s open paws. Unfortunately, the tree is just a little short, and Timoteo plunges to his untimely death.” Now that’s a horrible story. Still, please let it be a joke. Seriously, why would a place in Mexico want a flag depicting such events is beyond me.

71. Perm, Russia

Pretty sure I won't trust a bear on a book. This is especially the case when the book is most likely the Bible in question. Of course, it's pretty obvious that's the book in question on this flag.

Pretty sure I won’t trust a bear on a book. This is especially the case when the book is most likely the Bible in question. Of course, it’s pretty obvious that’s the book in question on this flag.

72. Greenburgh, New York, United States

Motto is either "Who wants chili?" or "Eye of newt and tongue of shrew, feast your eyes on this witches' brew." Uh, let's hope it's just chili.

Motto is either “Who wants chili?” or “Eye of newt and tongue of shrew, feast your eyes on this witches’ brew.” Uh, let’s hope it’s just chili.

73. Afar Revolutionary Democratic Unity Front

This is a revolutionary movement at the Horn of Africa seeking to unite Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Djbouti under the gun and torch. Yeah, doesn't seem democratic to me either. Seriously, with an AK-47 what do you expect me to think?

This is a revolutionary movement at the Horn of Africa seeking to unite Somalia, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Djbouti under the gun and torch. Yeah, doesn’t seem democratic to me either. Seriously, with an AK-47 what do you expect me to think of these guys? Possible terrorists?

74. Tierra del Fuego, Argentina

Now the place name translates to "Land of Fire." However, it's actually a pretty cold place and one of the southernmost inhabited areas in the world. Still, doesn't make me understand why part of the flag is tangerine and includes a seagull. Yeah, a bird that can be found practically anywhere even in a parking lot in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Also, looks like it was designed by a 7 year old.

Now the place name translates to “Land of Fire.” However, it’s actually a pretty cold place and one of the southernmost inhabited areas in the world. Still, doesn’t make me understand why part of the flag is tangerine and includes a seagull. Yeah, a bird that can be found practically anywhere even in a parking lot in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Also, looks like it was designed by a 7 year old.

75. North Caucasian Emirate, Russia (1918-1921)

Now this consists of 3 stars making an eye and a nose along with a smiley face mouth. Might have something to do with the whimsical religion of Islam. Of course, the region it represents didn't last.

Now this consists of 3 stars making an eye and a nose along with a smiley face mouth. Might have something to do with the whimsical religion of Islam. Of course, the region it represents didn’t last.

76. Tamil Eelam

This is a flag a of a proposed Tamil state located in what's currently north and east Sri Lanka. Of course, while the image is badass, it also seems more like an emblem for some armed insurgent organization. Yeah, I think the crossed guns have to go.

This is a flag a of a proposed Tamil state located in what’s currently north and east Sri Lanka. Of course, while the image is badass, it also seems more like an emblem for some armed insurgent organization. Yeah, I think the crossed guns have to go.

77. New Jersey, United States

Now New Jersey's flag looks quite decent with the exception of the color. And the horses' head. Doesn't help that it's been the setting of two award winning HBO crime shows like The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire.

Now New Jersey’s flag looks quite decent with the exception of the color. And the horses’ head. Doesn’t help that it’s been the setting of two award winning HBO crime shows like The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire.

78. Pocatello, Idaho, United States

Okay, this is a flag of a city in Idaho. However, it looks more like an emblem designed for a local auto dealership with shitty commercials. I heard they changed it in 2008. Let's hope it's not something that's looks straight out of some printing program.

Okay, this is a flag of a city in Idaho. However, it looks more like an emblem designed for a local auto dealership with shitty commercials. I heard they changed it in 2008. Let’s hope it’s not something that’s looks straight out of some printing program.

79. Tampa Bay, Florida, United States

Now that's a very tacky flag. I mean not only does it have a seal in the middle but that colors are so distracting. Of course, it kind of embodies the spirit of the city. If not, then Florida.

Now that’s a very tacky flag. I mean not only does it have a seal in the middle but that colors are so distracting. Of course, it kind of embodies the spirit of the city. If not, then Florida.

80. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States

This was actually voted among the 5 worst flags of the North American Vexillogical Association. Still, it's been the city's flag since the 1950s and seems to have way too much on it. Perhaps a flag depicting cheap beer would've been more appropriate. Still, you have wonder what kind of art schools the city has to produce a flag like this.

This was actually voted among the 5 worst flags of the North American Vexillogical Association. Still, it’s been the city’s flag since the 1950s and seems to have way too much on it. Perhaps a flag depicting cheap beer would’ve been more appropriate. Still, you have wonder what kind of art schools the city has to produce a horrible flag like this.

The Wonderful World of Vintage Postcards (Fourth Edition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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I know I’ve posted a few of these postcard posts since last summer. But since summer is the time for vacation and I’m going to Richmond in August to see my sister, I thought such an occasion would be rather appropriate. Nevertheless, you can tell a lot about an area by the kind of postcards they sell as well as what they value. And in some ways, there are some vintage postcards that might not hold up as well as thy might’ve during the 1950s. This is especially true when it comes to any postcard showing the Confederate flag or tobacco from the American South. Not to mention, there are plenty of postcards that can be just outright weird as you might see in Florida. Of course, there’s a reason why many of these postcards tend to be unintentionally funny as well as tacky.  So if you can’t go on vacation this summer, then enjoy yourself to some of these wonderfully tacky postcards from a more simpler time (well, not really).

1. Here in Kentucky is a portrait of an angel anointing the musical songwriter Stephen Foster.

Sorry, Kentucky, but though Stephen Foster wrote "My Old Kentucky Home," he was from Pittsburgh. Also, didn't he also write songs for blackface minstrel shows? I think he did. He also wrote the mustache song featured in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Really.

Sorry, Kentucky, but though Stephen Foster wrote “My Old Kentucky Home,” he was from Pittsburgh. Also, didn’t he also write songs for blackface minstrel shows? I think he did. He also wrote the mustache song featured in A Million Ways to Die in the West. Really.

2. Get yourself set for a photo op at the Confederate Anchor and Chain in Columbus, Kentucky.

Hmm...seems like this might not be as innocent a hangout place as it's depicted. Also, I'm sure all the women are looking at the guy on top who's all too happy to imagine what it'd be like to bang all three of them.

Hmm…seems like this might not be as innocent a hangout place as it’s depicted. Also, I’m sure all the women are looking at the guy on top who’s all too happy to imagine what it’d be like to bang all three of them.

3. Greetings from Kansas, where they have big boulders.

From the card: “MUSHROOM PARK. West of Salina, near Kanopolis Dam is Mushroom Park. This park features beautiful scenery and curious rock formations. It is of historical interest, as early day stage coach trails were near this park until they were forced out by hostile Indians.” Yet, you have to wonder about the strategically placed children in this one. Also, I'm sure the Indians had a good reason to be hostile since they were there first.

From the card: “MUSHROOM PARK. West of Salina, near Kanopolis Dam is Mushroom Park. This park features beautiful scenery and curious rock formations. It is of historical interest, as early day stage coach trails were near this park until they were forced out by hostile Indians.” Yet, you have to wonder about the strategically placed children in this one. Also, I’m sure the Indians had a good reason to be hostile since they were there first.

4. Welcome to the Red Slipper, from your scantily clad Wild West whore.

Something about this picture tells me that The Red Slipper isn't a family establishment. Must be the woman in the bright red get up and fishnet stockings. Yeah, I get the impression she's either a cocktail waitress or table dancer.

Something about this picture tells me that The Red Slipper isn’t a family establishment. Must be the woman in the bright red get up and fishnet stockings. Yeah, I get the impression she’s either a cocktail waitress or table dancer.

5. For this chef, nothing makes a great meal than a large hunk of steak.

From the card: "A picturesque view of George Diamond preparing a steak before one of his open charcoal broilers. A full steak dinner starts at $1.95." Picturesque, really? Still, $1.95 for a steak dinner like that ain't bad. But I think the chef seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.

From the card: “A picturesque view of George Diamond preparing a steak before one of his open charcoal broilers. A full steak dinner starts at $1.95.” Picturesque, really? Still, $1.95 for a steak dinner like that ain’t bad. But I think the chef seems to be enjoying himself a bit too much.

6. This chimp is currently chilling in his easy chair.

Yes, he's taking it all in stride not letting anything worry him. Must be great being a chimp in Florida to do these photo ops.

Yes, he’s taking it all in stride not letting anything worry him. Must be great being a chimp in Florida to do these photo ops.

7. While some dolls were made to look cute, some can really terrify the hell out of you.

With that pale mouth and the soulless eyes, I'm sure this doll is bound to give Chucky a run for his money. Seriously, if he had his way, he could kill you in your sleep or nightmares.

With that pale mouth and the soulless eyes, I’m sure this doll is bound to give Chucky a run for his money. Seriously, if he had his way, he could kill you in your sleep or nightmares.

8. Hmmm….Frankenstein’s monster doesn’t look too happy in this take.

Hate to break it to you, but that Frankenstein's monster looks nowhere near like Boris Karloff. Just some large square head guy who's spent too much time on the beach. And might be into kinky stuff.

Hate to break it to you, but that Frankenstein’s monster looks nowhere near like Boris Karloff. Just some large square head guy who’s spent too much time on the beach. And might be into kinky stuff.

9. “Try catching a fish at this high, Flipper.”

I don't know but I'm not so worried about the dolphin as I'm scared for the trainer. Seriously, how high is that guy? Or what will happen to him if he slips and falls? I mean that can't be safe.

I don’t know but I’m not so worried about the dolphin as I’m scared for the trainer. Seriously, how high is that guy? Or what will happen to him if he slips and falls? I mean that can’t be safe.

10. When it comes to sharing whiskey in your pajamas, sometimes you need to demonstrate your ability with a rod and the reel.

Now this is supposed to be an advertisement for pajamas featuring a father and son. But when I see it, they seem like two bros hanging out, enjoying each other's company, gazing in each other's eyes... Oh, wait a minute. Then again, whatever happens on fishing trips, stays on fishing trips.

Now this is supposed to be an advertisement for pajamas featuring a father and son. But when I see it, they seem like two bros hanging out, enjoying each other’s company, gazing in each other’s eyes… Oh, wait a minute. Then again, whatever happens on fishing trips, stays on fishing trips.

11. “Aaaah, there’s an Indian in my house scalping my husband!”

I know I'm supposed to be scared by such a scene. But the white settlers look so cartoonish that I can't take it seriously. Of course, I have a feeling that the Indian in question really wants theses helpless white settlers to get off his lawn.

I know I’m supposed to be scared by such a scene. But the white settlers look so cartoonish that I can’t take it seriously. Of course, I have a feeling that the Indian in question really wants theses helpless white settlers to get off his lawn.

12. At Marineland of the Pacific, you can see dolphins catching fish from sailors’ mouths.

Not sure if the other dolphin wants one or is just thinking how ridiculous such stunt is. Yeah, I'm no fan of mouth to mouth feedings either.

Not sure if the other dolphin wants one or is just thinking how ridiculous such stunt is. Yeah, I’m no fan of mouth to mouth feedings either.

13. For every woman in Maine, a lobster is a girl’s best friend.

"Oh, Herman, your large claws and red exoskeleton makes me mad with desire. I just can't bear the thought of seeing you thrown into a pot of hot boiling water. Or tourists eating your insides while wearing their souvenir lobster bibs. Oh, please don't leave me!"

“Oh, Herman, your large claws and red exoskeleton makes me mad with desire. I just can’t bear the thought of seeing you thrown into a pot of hot boiling water. Or tourists eating your insides while wearing their souvenir lobster bibs. Oh, please don’t leave me!”

14. Vote Barfield and Shepheard for City Council, which they’ll make everybody’s business.

For those who plan running for office: when scheduling photo ops, remember not to have one the morning after the Preferred Campaign Donors' Booze Cruise. Yeah, you don't want to be seen hungover.

For those who plan running for office: when scheduling photo ops, remember not to have one the morning after the Preferred Campaign Donors’ Booze Cruise. Yeah, you don’t want to be seen hungover.

15. Back in the day, small appliances were so rugged and macho such as the Powerflow Hairdryer.

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it's not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don't think it has a laser. So why are any of you asking these questions?

Yes, this is a hair dryer. No, it’s not some kind of scanner or phaser of any kind. And no, I don’t think it has a laser. This isn’t a piece of Star Trek technology here. So why are any of you asking these questions?

16. “Look, Mommy, that’s a Silversword plant, only known to Hawaii.”

From another card: “The SILVERSWORD—a member of the composit family, grows from 4 to 20 years—finally sending up a flower stalk 1 to 9 feet tall—then dies. Hawaiian name is "Ahina Ahina” which means Silver Hair. The Silversword is found only in Hawaii.“ Yeah, it's a real plant, but I'm sure your folks back home might see it as a prank. Seriously, this is one of the most phallic Hawaiian plants I've ever seen.

From another card: “The SILVERSWORD—a member of the composit family, grows from 4 to 20 years—finally sending up a flower stalk 1 to 9 feet tall—then dies. Hawaiian name is “Ahina Ahina” which means Silver Hair. The Silversword is found only in Hawaii.“ Yeah, it’s a real plant, but I’m sure your folks back home might see it as a prank. Seriously, this is one of the most phallic Hawaiian plants I’ve ever seen.

17. “Travel is so broadening.”

Yes, these are two dogs in the bar and drinking booze. Yes, I know it's supposed to be romantic and adorable. However, I'm not sure if the lady dog is up for what the guy dog is hinting at.

Yes, these are two dogs in the bar and drinking booze. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be romantic and adorable. However, I’m not sure if the lady dog is up for what the guy dog is hinting at.

18. “Ah! Sweet misery of love.”

I don't know about you. But it seems to me that these dogs don't seem like they're madly in love with each other. Rather, they seem bored and wishing the whole party would be over.

I don’t know about you. But it seems to me that these dogs don’t seem like they’re madly in love with each other. Rather, they seem bored and wishing the whole party would be over.

19. Hangover this morning? Drink Kona Coffee Grog.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don't want to know.

Oh wait, Kona Coffee Grog is a name of a Fort Lauderdale restaurant and bar. Still, this drink seems to resemble a Mai-Tai cocktail than anything else. Also, they have a Mystery Bowl drink, which I really don’t want to know.

20. “We miss you from Anna Maria, Florida.”

Seems like Anna Maria, Florida has a lot of alligator-on-woman action at its beaches. Still, no matter how ferocious the gator is, the lady in red still smiles. Well, until she finds out she's dinner anyway.

Seems like Anna Maria, Florida has a lot of alligator-on-woman action at its beaches. Still, no matter how ferocious the gator is, the lady in red still smiles. Well, until she finds out she’s dinner anyway.

21. Come to the National Civil War Museum in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where you can see a display of John Brown’s execution for his raid on Harper’s Ferry in present day West Virginia.

Man, John Brown doesn't seem to have much fashion sense does he? Still, I know the man's execution was a rather harrowing and somber event. But I just can't take this somber display seriously for some reason.

Man, John Brown doesn’t seem to have much fashion sense does he? Still, I know the man’s execution was a rather harrowing and somber event. But I just can’t take this somber display seriously for some reason.

22. Welcome to Kalkaska, Michigan, home of the National Trout Festival.

Hate to say this, but I think the trout would look better without the lighting. Seriously, this fountain trout looks terrifying in the night light. Like it's some kind of water monster.

Hate to say this, but I think the trout would look better without the lighting. Seriously, this fountain trout looks terrifying in the night light. Like it’s some kind of water monster.

23. Seems like there’s a dolphin rapture or they’re working for some evil old guy.

"Fly, fly, my pretties! The first to get that kid who stole my lawn mower gets these free fish!" Well, at least they're not flying monkeys. Those were terrifying.

“Fly, fly, my pretties! The first to get that kid who stole my lawn mower gets these free fish!” Well, at least they’re not flying monkeys. Those were terrifying.

24. Let’s just say, I don’t think wax museums should cover certain events pertaining to solemn events like the Battle of Little Big Horn.

Custer's eyes just ruin any of the solemnity the event this museum was trying to create. I mean Custer looks like a freaking zombie that it's hilarious.

Custer’s eyes just ruin any of the solemnity the event this museum was trying to create. I mean Custer looks like a freaking zombie that it’s hilarious.

25. John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson receive guidance from George Washington.

Man, I can't help but wonder whether Ben Franklin and George Washington are wearing eyeliner in this or not. Of course, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson really don't seem to get along at the moment. Seems like Jefferson hasn't been having a good day at all.

Man, I can’t help but wonder whether Ben Franklin and George Washington are wearing eyeliner in this or not. Of course, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson really don’t seem to get along at the moment. Seems like Jefferson hasn’t been having a good day at all.

26. May I present to you Bubbles the Seahorse.

Seems like this woman is choking the poor seahorse. And she's enjoying it! Seriously, let's hope it's just some kinky erotic asphyxiation and not anything sinister. Always look on the bright side of things.

Seems like this woman is choking the poor seahorse. And she’s enjoying it! Seriously, let’s hope it’s just some kinky erotic asphyxiation and not anything sinister. Always look on the bright side of things.

27. Welcome to Homosassa Springs.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott's agenda is to change the place's name to Heterasassa Springs. Still doesn't incite the same kind of giggles. Even funny how it shows a woman with orchids. As if there's nothing gay going on there, really.

Guess one of the items on Governor Rick Scott’s agenda is to change the place’s name to Heterasassa Springs. Still when I hear of Homosassa Springs, I don’t imagine a pretty girl holding orchids. Well, unless she’s buying them for her girlfriend at the Bull Dyke Bar and Grille.

28. “Brad, it’s our anniversary, I don’t want to wear the wig tonight, okay?”

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be one of these cute animal postcards. But somehow, I'm not sure Fifi would want us making fun of her style job. Maybe she should opt for a more natural look.

Yeah, I know this is supposed to be one of these cute animal postcards. But somehow, I’m not sure Fifi would want us making fun of her style job. Maybe she should opt for a more natural look.

29. “This next song I’m going to play is called ‘Monkey Business’ from the album Bananas.”

However, I'm sure such a postcard wouldn't go well with the members of the Rolling Stones, Ron Wood and Keith Richards in particular. Then again, he kind of looks like Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters.

However, I’m sure such a postcard wouldn’t go well with the members of the Rolling Stones, Ron Wood and Keith Richards in particular. Then again, he kind of looks like Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters.

30. The First Baptist Church of Van Nuys presents the Living Christmas Tree.

Well, I'm sure churches tend to get tired of staging the same boring Christmas pageant year after year. Could you really blame these people for wanting to try something a bit different? But yeah, it's pretty much over the top and ridiculous. Oh, and yes it does seem like something a cult would do. But what do you know.

Well, I’m sure churches tend to get tired of staging the same boring Christmas pageant year after year. Could you really blame these people for wanting to try something a bit different? But yeah, it’s pretty much over the top and ridiculous. Oh, and yes it does seem like something a cult would do. But what do you know.

31. Come to Florida for the sun, fun, and beauty.

Well, she has some fun and sun all right. But I'm not sure she's a beauty per se, though some may beg to differ. Still, what the hell is she doing? Water in her ears? Practicing rain dance? Throwing a discus?

Well, she has some fun and sun all right. But I’m not sure she’s a beauty per se, though some may beg to differ. Still, what the hell is she doing? Water in her ears? Practicing rain dance? Throwing a discus?

32. While dolphins are seen as lovable creatures in Florida, I’m not so sure if you’d say the same at Niagara Falls.

Yes, Bucky wasn't the kind of friendly dolphin at the aquarium and didn't care for people much. Well, unless he was allowed to murder and eat them. Still, that is the most evil looking dolphin I've ever seen.

Yes, Bucky wasn’t the kind of friendly dolphin at the aquarium and didn’t care for people much. Well, unless he was allowed to murder and eat them. Still, that is the most evil looking dolphin I’ve ever seen.

33. Come to Josephine Tussaud’s London Wax Museum in St. Petersburg, Florida and relive the time when Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald in front of the cameras.

Now I'm not sure why anyone would want a wax display of such a scene. Still, Oswald looks like he's about to break into song and dance. Or possibly auditioning as a zombie for Michael Jackson's Thriller album.

Now I’m not sure why anyone would want a wax display of such a scene. Still, Oswald looks like he’s about to break into song and dance. Or possibly auditioning as a zombie for Michael Jackson’s Thriller album.

34. “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

Seems like this museum has managed to make Neil Armstrong quite terrifying in his space suit. Of course, the soft space suit and claw hands don't help either.

Seems like this museum has managed to make Neil Armstrong quite terrifying in his space suit. Of course, the soft space suit and claw hands don’t help either.

35. Seems like Jesus likes to spend time chilling with this brethren.

I don't know about you but this Jesus seems like he's been passing a sacred joint to his disciples and saying, "Take this, all of you and smoke it. This is, uh, never mind. But don't Bogart it and that means you, Judas Iscariot." Yes, this is the closest thing we have to a Stoner Jesus.

I don’t know about you but this Jesus seems like he’s been passing a sacred joint to his disciples and saying, “Take this, all of you and smoke it. This is, uh, never mind. But don’t Bogart it and that means you, Judas Iscariot.” Yes, this is the closest thing we have to a Stoner Jesus.

36. An average catch in this lake is bound to devour a man.

Now that fish is obviously photoshopped in this picture. Seriously, it looks painted. Besides, I think this is from a place that's quite desperate for some tourism.

Now that fish is obviously photoshopped in this picture. Seriously, it looks painted. Besides, I think this is from a place that’s quite desperate for some tourism. I’m sure the fish there aren’t that big.

37. Seems like this Totem Pole has an eye out for women to smooch.

"Honey, drop the camera and run! It's going to suck all your blood!" After this moment, Greta would never be seen again, until her corpse was found on some roadside.

“Honey, drop the camera and run! It’s going to suck all your blood!” After this moment, Greta would never be seen again, until her corpse was found on some roadside. Yes, that totem was cursed.

38. Come to Death Valley and see the Ghost Riders in the Sky.

Looks more like some depressing Christmas card to me. Still, the ghost riders don't seem as menacing in this postcard as they do in the hit Johnny Cash song.

Looks more like some depressing Christmas card to me. Still, the ghost riders don’t seem as menacing in this postcard as they do in the hit Johnny Cash song.

39. “Welcome to our hair salon. Our stylists are among the best of the biz.”

Yes, it's a hair salon. But it sort of has an atmosphere one would associate with an insane asylum. May because almost everyone is dressed in white and everything looks so clean. I think I'd rather stick with my own stylists, thank you very much.

Yes, it’s a hair salon. But it sort of has an atmosphere one would associate with an insane asylum. May because almost everyone is dressed in white and everything looks so clean. I think I’d rather stick with my own stylists, thank you very much.

40. “After all these years, I’m still not sure how I ended up a snake dentist.”

Of course, if he was seen talking to Snakes in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I'm sure it wouldn't go well. Seriously, read the Chamber of Secrets when Harry spoke to one in front of some of his fellow students.

Of course, if he was seen talking to Snakes in the wizarding world of Harry Potter, I’m sure it wouldn’t go well. Seriously, read the Chamber of Secrets when Harry spoke to one in front of some of his fellow students.

41. At the Madonna Inn, we’re sure this poppy room is guaranteed to put you to sleep.

This is called, "The California Poppy Room." From the card: "The lavish use of our State flower is applauded by all nature lovers…and we agree that the Poppy is beautiful!" Yes, but do they also know what comes from poppies? It's not something that has a good reputation.

This is called, “The California Poppy Room.” From the card: “The lavish use of our State flower is applauded by all nature lovers…and we agree that the Poppy is beautiful!” Yes, but do they also know what comes from poppies? It’s not something that has a good reputation.

42. Seems like royal coronation ceremonies have become quite a bit informal these days.

I'm sure no queen in her right mind would want to attend her own coronation ceremony in a plaid skirt and beige sweater. Even kings wear more elaborate outfits than that.

I’m sure no queen in her right mind would want to attend her own coronation ceremony in a plaid skirt and beige sweater. Even kings wear more elaborate outfits than that.

43. The Weeki Wachee Mermaids present Alice in Waterland.

Now by looking at these ladies, I'm sure their rendition of the Lewis Carroll tale is far more trippier than the Disney movie. Also, I'd hate to be the Mad Hatter in this.

Now by looking at these ladies, I’m sure their rendition of the Lewis Carroll tale is far more trippier than the Disney movie. Also, I’d hate to be the Mad Hatter in this.

44. LBJ says: “Let us reason together.”

Which means he'll probably try to get you to agree with him in any way he can. But if not, he could always zip down his pants and wave his tallywacker at you. Oh, yes, he really did this, by the way.

Which means he’ll probably try to get you to agree with him in any way he can. But if not, he could always zip down his pants and wave his tallywacker at you. Oh, yes, he really did this, by the way.

45. “Howdy and come on down to the grand ol’ rattlesnake rodeo. Yeeehaw!”

Man, I know it's photoshopped but I'd sure want to see this. Also, let's hope that the ol' rattler don't take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers.

Man, I know it’s photoshopped but I’d sure want to see this. A rodeo with cowboys riding rattlesnakes would be awesome! Also, let’s hope that the ol’ rattler don’t take a bite out of any of the bulls and steers. Because that could be a problem.

46. “Waiting for you in Florida.”

Let's just say that Florida tends to have a thing for alligators. Besides, I just hope this one devours Tim Tebow and not any random tourists.

Let’s just say that Florida tends to have a thing for alligators. Besides, I just hope this one devours Tim Tebow and not any random tourists.

47. “Hello, kids, and welcome to Crazy Joe Killemall’s NRA gun camp for boys.”

"Remember, kids, always keep your rifle ready at all times. Well, as long as you use common sense first." Actually this is on safe marksmanship. Nevertheless, the NRA wasn't the kind of crazy gun lobby it is nowadays. Still, I do wonder if the man in this wants to raise an army of American boy soldiers though.

“Remember, kids, always keep your rifle ready at all times. Well, as long as you use common sense first.” Actually this is on safe marksmanship. Nevertheless, the NRA wasn’t the kind of crazy gun lobby it is nowadays. Still, I do wonder if the man in this wants to raise an army of American boy soldiers though. Yeah, probably shouldn’t dwell on these thoughts.

48, Have a snapping good time in Florida.

Yeah, I'm sure that the gator doesn't just want to nibble her bum. To me, he might be in the mood for some human rump roast if he asks her out to dinner.

Yeah, I’m sure that the gator doesn’t just want to nibble her bum. To me, he might be in the mood for some human rump roast if he asks her out to dinner.

49. While beer drinking is common in Germany, it’s said that a real man can down 15 six-packs.

Okay, maybe it doesn't hold 15 six-packs. But still, the guy will probably end up in the ER if he even dares to drink that amount this stine can hold.

Okay, maybe it doesn’t hold 15 six-packs. But still, the guy will probably end up in the ER if he even dares to drink that amount this stine can hold.

50. Come to Florida and see Miami’s ultra-modern architecture.

Hate to insult the people of Miami. But if this is your best specimen of your ultra-modern architecture, then it's fair to say that most of your ultra-modern buildings are ugly. Seriously, it looks like some wicker basket or container.

Hate to insult the people of Miami. But if this is your best specimen of your ultra-modern architecture, then it’s fair to say that most of your ultra-modern buildings are ugly. Seriously, it looks like some wicker basket or container.

51. Preachers, baptize your parishioners in style with this deluxe portable baptistery.

Of course, I can't really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I've been to pertained to babies. Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it's a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor's luxurious bathtub. Why can't the minister baptize people in the river? It's cheaper.

Of course, I can’t really relate to this because as a Catholic, most of the baptisms I’ve been to pertained to babies, including my own. Still, as a baptistery, I kind of have a feeling it’s a bit extravagant. Like akin to a megachurch pastor’s luxurious bathtub. Why can’t the minister baptize people in the river? It’s cheaper.

52. Do you ever get the feeling that the drapes are watching you?

Yes, they may be matching curtains. But they seem to form a face of something so terrifying beyond the imagination. Makes me want to part them even if it means sacrificing my privacy.

Yes, they may be matching curtains. But they seem to form a face of something so terrifying beyond the imagination. Makes me want to part them even if it means sacrificing my privacy.

53. Seems like Herman the Hippo loves seeing Bridget spray the hose at him.

However, though hippos are indeed herbivores, this doesn't mean they're nice and won't kill you. I mean there are more people killed by hippos in Africa than lions. And if Herman gets angry at Bridget spraying him, then she'll be in very big trouble.

However, though hippos are indeed herbivores, this doesn’t mean they’re nice and won’t kill you. I mean there are more people killed by hippos in Africa than lions. And if Herman gets angry at Bridget spraying him, then she’ll be in very big trouble.

54. Ross Allen’s Reptile Institute presents Beauty and the Boa.

Let's hope that the snake isn't poisonous. Of course, this is in Florida so the woman was required to wear a skimpy swimsuit before going on stage.

Let’s hope that the snake isn’t poisonous. Of course, this is in Florida so the woman was required to wear a skimpy swimsuit before going on stage.

55. “Behold, He is risen!”

Looks like somebody took a big bite out of Jesus's armpit. Angel's like, "Dude, can I borrow five bucks?"

Looks like somebody took a big bite out of Jesus’s armpit. Angel’s like, “Dude, can I borrow five bucks?”

56. “Wish you were here!” from Alcatraz.

Let's just say I'm not sure if I'd want to receive a postcard from Alcatraz. I know it's now a museum and occasional movie location. But still, it's a famous federal prison.

Let’s just say I’m not sure if I’d want to receive a postcard from Alcatraz. I know it’s now a museum and occasional movie location. But still, it’s a famous federal prison.

57. Greetings from the Farmer’s Market of Los Angeles, California.

From how I see it, it seems more like a bakery than a farmer's market. Seriously, it would make more sense if they did a farmer's market postcards with pictures of fruits and vegetables. Not cakes.

From how I see it, it seems more like a bakery than a farmer’s market. Seriously, it would make more sense if they did a farmer’s market postcards with pictures of fruits and vegetables. Not cakes.

58. Every Friday evening at the Azure Tides Hotel Court in Sarasota, Florida, they hold King Neptune’s Table Buffet.

I can see it now, "Buffet Fish Retaliates Against Chefs....No Deaths Reported." Still, that's a huge fish at the table and seems to make the occasion look ridiculous.

I can see it now, “Buffet Fish Retaliates Against Chefs….No Deaths Reported.” Still, that’s a huge fish at the table and seems to make the occasion look ridiculous.

59. Greetings from Clear Lake, Iowa?

For some reason when I think of Iowa, visions of people water skiing usually don't come to mind. Seriously, this scene doesn't remind me of Iowa at all.

For some reason when I think of Iowa, visions of people water skiing usually don’t come to mind. Seriously, this scene doesn’t remind me of Iowa at all.

60. Welcome to the Moon Gate Motel. Enjoy your stay.

Now I have to admit, this motel's architecture is certainly out of this world. Actually it looks as if it was designed by someone from an alien planet. Said that George Jetson frequented the Moonfleet Cocktail Lounge at Happy Hour.

Now I have to admit, this motel’s architecture is certainly out of this world. Actually it looks as if it was designed by someone from an alien planet. Said that George Jetson frequented the Moonfleet Cocktail Lounge for Happy Hour.

61. Greetings from Shamrock, Texas, home of the world’s youngest hitchhikers.

Man, they really start out so young out there. However, hitchhiking isn't the safest way of transportation. In fact, it's anything but, especially for toddlers.

Man, they really start out so young out there. However, hitchhiking isn’t the safest way of transportation. In fact, it’s anything but, especially for toddlers.

62. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you Space Chimp.

Of course, I'm not sure whether the space capsule would work in space or be approved by NASA. But chimp looks quite proud in his spacesuit.

Of course, I’m not sure whether the space capsule would work in space or be approved by NASA. But chimp looks quite proud in his spacesuit.

63. “What’s the matter? Haven’t you’ve seen a woman riding a seahorse underwater before?”

Well, at least "Bubbles" the seahorse is all right. But still, he seems to have dealt with a lot of shit. Nevertheless, these women underwater stuff is quite funny.

Well, at least “Bubbles” the seahorse is all right. But still, he seems to have dealt with a lot of shit. Nevertheless, these women underwater stuff is quite funny. Especially if she almost seems like she’s posing as a model for Sports Illustrated.

64. Bringing you the latest in underwater entertainment.

And they seem to contain women in yellow swimsuits and wings as well as doing who knows what. Yeah, it's kind of over the top. But hey, they're from Florida.

And they seem to contain women in yellow swimsuits and wings as well as doing who knows what. Yeah, it’s kind of over the top. But hey, they’re from Florida.

65. “Good morning, honey, coffee’s ready.”

Something tells me that this coffee contains something poisonous. I don't know why. Must be the woman's soulless face and evil smile. God, she looks so terrifying like she has murder on the mind.

Something tells me that this coffee contains something poisonous. I don’t know why. Must be the woman’s soulless face and evil smile. God, she looks so terrifying like she has murder on the mind.

66. When it comes to a dog and a child, there is always mutual affection.

However, while it's supposed to show "mutual affection," the facial expressions make it seem very one-sided. The girl really seems to love her collie. The collie, on the other hand, either doesn't show its feelings or just doesn't care.

However, while it’s supposed to show “mutual affection,” the facial expressions make it seem very one-sided. The girl really seems to love her collie. The collie, on the other hand, either doesn’t show its feelings or just doesn’t care.

67. Of course, photos of children and puppies are always adorable.

Of course, this girl is like "I'll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever." Meanwhile the dog is like, "Help me."

Of course, this girl is like “I’ll hug him and squeeze him and keep him forever and ever.” Meanwhile the dog is like, “Help me.” Still, the puppy just can’t find no escape from the girl with the evil grin and soulless eyes.

68. Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Chattanooga’s Confederama.

Basically this is a tourist trap for racists as you see with the Confederate flag at the castle towers. God only knows what kind of stuff they have in there. I'm sure it's highly offensive.

Basically this is a tourist trap for racists as you see with the Confederate flag at the castle towers. God only knows what kind of stuff they have in there. I’m sure it’s highly offensive.

69. Here’s a scene of Abraham Lincoln passing Lancaster, Pennsylvania on his way to inauguration in Washington D.C. in 1861.

I don't know about you, but Mary Lincoln doesn't seem to look so good. In fact, she doesn't seem to look like herself at all. At least Lincoln has his beard and stovepipe hat.

I don’t know about you, but Mary Lincoln doesn’t seem to look so good. In fact, she doesn’t seem to look like herself at all. At least Lincoln has his beard and stovepipe hat.

70. “Finally, found a place we could afford.”

Well, it doesn't look like much. But I'm sure with some improvements and repairs, it'll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Well, it doesn’t look like much. But I’m sure with some improvements and repairs, it’ll look right as rain. Actually it looks like a shithole disaster area and I suppose the neighborhood is shitty, too. Probably should think about renting an apartment instead.

Fun with Rugs

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

orientalrug1

Whether as a welcome mat or as carpeting, rugs have been around for quite some time.Now rugs are said to have existed from the 2nd millennium BCE in the Middle East as we know it. But it’s said that they might’ve been making these things since the 7th millennium BCE which means that rugs have been around longer than writing. Nevertheless, almost every culture in the world has some kind of carpeting from the Middle East to India, China, and Siberia. Of course, while most people use rugs and carpeting to cover their floors, some also hang them on their wall either to muffle sound (like music and band rooms) or for decoration. Now I can spend this post talking about all the wonderful kinds of rugs out there but you’d probably get board after I show you enough from the Middle East. So instead, I’ll show you a few of the unusual variety. Sure many of them might look cool but some will look quite tacky. Others may be taken from pop culture references as well. Yet, none of them would be like Aladdin has. So without further adieu, here are some of the unique rugs for your reading pleasure.

1. Some dogs will do anything for some juicy ribs.

Of course, the dog might've placed this mat at the insistence of its owners. Nevertheless, I kind of think it's a joke. Besides, most dogs are simply happy to get the scraps.

Of course, the dog might’ve placed this mat at the insistence of its owners. Nevertheless, I kind of think it’s a joke. Besides, most dogs are simply happy to get the scraps.

2. Now you can have a room all by yourself with this chalk outline guy crime scene rug.

What makes this rug better is that you can take it anywhere to show your friends. Boy, this will make a great conversation place at your next gym or yoga class.

What makes this rug better is that you can take it anywhere to show your friends. Boy, this will make a great conversation place at your next gym or yoga class.

3. This rug will make the perfect tapestry for the hunting lodge come next deer hunting season.

Seems like Bambi and his friends love doing two things in their spare time: playing poker and killing hunters for revenge. Yes, you wouldn't want to see these bucks in the headlights. Love how they're smoking and drinking beer.

Seems like Bambi and his friends love doing two things in their spare time: playing poker and killing hunters for revenge. Yes, you wouldn’t want to see these bucks in the headlights. Love how they’re smoking and drinking beer.

4. This rug will go great with the hardwood flooring.

Of course, I think it might resemble too much of the hardwood flooring anyway. Still, I don't know whether it's quite clever or quite lame.

Of course, I think it might resemble too much of the hardwood flooring anyway. Still, I don’t know whether it’s quite clever or quite lame. Either way, I’m sure nobody would want it.

5. For the Pinellas County, Florida sheriff’s office, it’s always, “In Dog We Trust.”

This especially goes with tracking missing persons or fugitives. Of course, they also do dog sniffing as well. Nevertheless, it's quite funny.

This especially goes with tracking missing persons or fugitives. Of course, they also do dog sniffing as well. Nevertheless, it’s quite funny.

6. While most homes have welcome mats, I’m not sure if this qualifies.

This is probably an antithesis of the welcome mat. Of course, this person might have a restraining order against someone at the worst. At best, he or she might just not like people.

This is probably an antithesis of the welcome mat. Of course, this person might have a restraining order against someone at the worst. At best, he or she might just not like people.

7. Of course, while bears may be endangered in your area, you can always go with a demon rug to scare people.

Wonder if the owner of this rug is an exorcist of some sort. Then again, I'm not sure if any exorcist would want this, especially in the movies.

Wonder if the owner of this rug is an exorcist of some sort. Then again, I’m not sure if any exorcist would want this, especially in the movies.

8. Sometimes when it comes to rugs, some people prefer to be brief or tidy white.

Now this is an interesting specimen. Unless it's for a single guy's bathroom, I'm not really sure where such a rug may go. Besides, I think this might be given as a joke.

Now this is an interesting specimen. Unless it’s for a single guy’s bathroom, I’m not really sure where such a rug may go. Besides, I think this might be given as a joke.

9. When it comes to rugs, occasionally the bigger and fluffier the better.

Then again, children might get lost in this one. Besides, it might cost a lot to clean and maintain. Maybe stick with less shaggy ones.

Then again, children might get lost in this one. Besides, it might cost a lot to clean and maintain. Maybe stick with less shaggy ones.

10. In this living room carpet, a polar bear stands alone on an iceberg.

Unlike the real Arctic, at least the carpet ice will never melt as far as this polar bear is concerned. Then again, I wonder if Al Gore has a carpet like this.

Unlike the real Arctic, at least the carpet ice will never melt as far as this polar bear is concerned. Then again, I wonder if Al Gore has a carpet like this.

11. A rug like this might also double as furniture.

It's also shaped like you'd see a golf course. But unlike real golf courses, it's much more eco-friendly and cheaper to maintain.

It’s also shaped like you’d see a golf course. But unlike real golf courses, it’s much more eco-friendly and cheaper to maintain.

12. Man, looking at a rug like this makes me want to go out and skin a Persian bear.

Of course, I wonder how those Persian bears manage to have all those ornate colors and prints on their skin. Then again, why is it that we never see a Persian bear live?

Of course, I wonder how those Persian bears manage to have all those ornate colors and prints on their skin. Then again, why is it that we never see a Persian bear live?

13. Now I have to admit that this rug really ties the room together.

Now this rug is of the Dude's face from The Big Lebowski. Let's just say, you'll see a few of these from this movie. Because part of it pertains to a rug.

Now this rug is of the Dude’s face from The Big Lebowski. Let’s just say, you’ll see a few of these from this movie. Because part of it pertains to a rug.

14. As far as the Dude may say, this rug abides.

Now this rug contains items you'd associate from The Big Lebowski such as a bowling ball and pins, scissors, guns, toilets, pot leaves, etc. Still, I'm sure any Big Lebowski fan would love it.

Now this rug contains items you’d associate from The Big Lebowski such as a bowling ball and pins, scissors, guns, toilets, pot leaves, etc. Still, I’m sure any Big Lebowski fan would love it.

15. Of course, you and your friends will never know who made these tracks.

I'm sure this would be a great rug for murder mystery dinners, along with the crime scene one. Still, the footprints might make you wonder.

I’m sure this would be a great rug for murder mystery dinners, along with the crime scene one. Still, the footprints might make you wonder.

16. Guess the bloody footprints on this bath mat might leave a lot to the imagination.

Of course, hope nobody calls the police over this. Because you might need to explain yourself that the scene is not what it looks like.

Of course, hope nobody calls the police over this. Because you might need to explain yourself that the scene is not what it looks like.

17. Seems like these rugs are the skins of Elmo and the Abominable Snowman.

Of course, one of these rugs is bound to frighten a small child. The other, not so much. Still, I'm not sure you'd want either of them in a home with children.

Of course, one of these rugs is bound to frighten a small child. The other, not so much. Still, I’m not sure you’d want either of them in a home with children.

18. Finally, a rug that can tell you the time of day.

Actually this is an alarm clock rug. Still, I'm not sure if I'd want something that would have to make me step on the snooze button.

Actually this is an alarm clock rug. Still, I’m not sure if I’d want something that would have to make me step on the snooze button.

19. Now if someone had a rug like this, I might want to question their sanity.

Actually these are Afghan War rugs made in Afghanistan as an artistic depiction. And they were made available in a Kabul bazaar. Now I feel terrible.

Actually these are Afghan War rugs made in Afghanistan as an artistic depiction. And they were made available in a Kabul bazaar. Now I feel terrible.

20. Seems like Cookie Monster couldn’t resist those Chips Ahoy in his final moments.

Yes, this is a Cookie Monster skin rug. And yes, it comes with cookies. Said to be marketed for families. But I guarantee this might traumatize some children.

Yes, this is a Cookie Monster skin rug. And yes, it comes with cookies. Said to be marketed for families. But I guarantee this might traumatize some children.

21. If you can’t afford a chalk outline crime scene rug, then this body rug will do nicely.

Hmmm....now this may either freak out your guests or make them think you're awesome. Either way, it'll make a great conversation piece.

Hmmm….now this may either freak out your guests or make them think you’re awesome. Either way, it’ll make a great conversation piece.

22. Now with a carpet like this, you can play hopscotch in all kinds of weather.

And you don't have to worry about your local crime rate or weather conditions either. Still, compared to a lot of activities, hop scotch can get quite boring.

And you don’t have to worry about your local crime rate or weather conditions either. Still, compared to a lot of activities, hop scotch can get quite boring.

23. Now this Band Aid rug is sure to go well with many rooms in your house or medical office.

Then again, this rug is probably more appropriate for a doctor's office or a hospital waiting area. Of course, it's quite long and narrow, too.

Then again, this rug is probably more appropriate for a doctor’s office or a hospital waiting area. Of course, it’s quite long and narrow, too.

24. Step right up and have this rug guess your weight.

Now this is interesting a bathroom scale rug. Of course, not sure if I want my bath mat to tell me that I need to lose a few.

Now this is interesting a bathroom scale rug. Of course, not sure if I want my bath mat to tell me that I need to lose a few.

25. Sometimes doormats can really elicit a lot of mixed messages on occasions.

Looking at this mat, I'm not sure if I should come in or go way. Perhaps I should knock or ring the doorbell to make sure. Then again, I might want to high tail it.

Looking at this mat, I’m not sure if I should come in or go way. Perhaps I should knock or ring the doorbell to make sure. Then again, I might want to high tail it.

26. Now your door mat can look just like any ordinary manhole cover.

Of course, I'm sure you can wipe your feet on it. But you'd probably be disappointed that lifting it won't lead you to a sewer.

Of course, I’m sure you can wipe your feet on it. But you’d probably be disappointed that lifting it won’t lead you to a sewer.

27. I’m not sure if I want to walk into the middle if I were you.

Of course, it might just be an illusion. But do you really want to know the hard way? Do you? That's what I thought.

Of course, it might just be an illusion. But do you really want to know the hard way? Do you? That’s what I thought.

28. I suppose this person prefers that we ring.

Seems like they're not fond of visitors or they're really into Breaking Bad. Either way, you don't want to mess with Walter White at their doorstep.

Seems like they’re not fond of visitors or they’re really into Breaking Bad. Either way, you don’t want to mess with Walter White at their doorstep.

29. Of course, all this rug cost were two over easy.

Wonder if it goes with any furniture made to resemble toast or bacon. Sure might like to see that.

Wonder if it goes with any furniture made to resemble toast or bacon. Sure might like to see that.

30. A rug like this can be flipped according to the season.

Now I guess green is for spring and summer while brown is for fall and winter. And I guess you have to flip it every March and September.

Now I guess green is for spring and summer while brown is for fall and winter. And I guess you have to flip it every March and September.

31. Though some may play video games, who can boast having a video game controller rug?

I'm guessing this might be from a 1990s Ninendo 64 but I'm not sure. Guess I didn't grow up with video games back in the day.

I’m guessing this might be from a 1990s Ninendo 64 but I’m not sure. Guess I didn’t grow up with video games back in the day.

32. Grace your living space with a rug that goes with the topography.

I mean a rug that resembles topography. You know hills, mountains, and all. Also, I should count flora, too like greenery.

I mean a rug that resembles topography. You know hills, mountains, and all. Also, I should count flora, too like greenery.

33. Wouldn’t you want a shag carpet that could just keep you warm on cold days?

Sorry, but rugs were never meant for comfort. Besides, I had a shag rug once in college and it spread large clumps of lint all over the place. Wouldn't recommend it for anyone.

Sorry, but rugs were never meant for comfort. Besides, I had a shag rug once in college and it spread large clumps of lint all over the place. Wouldn’t recommend it for anyone.

34. Now this rug will certainly go well with the woodwork at this establishment.

And I sure reckon that they got this from a pretty large, tall, and old tree. I mean look at the diameter of this thing! Of course, I'm just kidding there. Yet, there have been trees that have lived hundreds of years.

And I sure reckon that they got this from a pretty large, tall, and old tree. I mean look at the diameter of this thing! Of course, I’m just kidding there. Yet, there have been trees that have lived hundreds of years.

35. Oh, God, looks like someone spilled something on the carpet again.

Oh, wait, it was actually designed this way. As of why I have no idea. Still, wonder how these people will explain the spill to their guests.

Oh, wait, it was actually designed this way. As of why I have no idea. Still, wonder how these people will explain the spill to their guests.

36. Nothing gives a room character than a rug of a hedge row maze.

Of course, I'm not sure if I want to run a pen or pencil through this. Then again, this was meant for decoration, not problem solving.

Of course, I’m not sure if I want to run a pen or pencil through this. Then again, this was meant for decoration, not problem solving.

37. Guess who ever has this rug is a big Lionel Ritchie fan.

Let's just say I'm not a big fan of this. Nor do I care for this song. But l do like how it's used as a welcome mat. Seriously, is it clever or what?

Let’s just say I’m not a big fan of this. Nor do I care for this song. But l do like how it’s used as a welcome mat. Seriously, is it clever or what?

38. Nothing makes a room better than a rug of a Mesoamerican calendar.

Then again, knowing what the Pre-Columbian peoples did to certain people, I'm not sure if this would be appropriate as a bath mat. Or for any other room.

Then again, knowing what the Pre-Columbian peoples did to certain people, I’m not sure if this would be appropriate as a bath mat. Or for any other room.

39. Guess whoever designed this exotic rugs might’ve been under the influence or was just plain incompetent.

Okay, now the design is fine. But I can't say the same about the shape. Seriously, rugs like these should usually be rectangular. Not whatever this shape is.

Okay, now the design is fine. But I can’t say the same about the shape. Seriously, rugs like these should usually be rectangular. Not whatever this shape is.

40. Now I don’t know where these stairs lead to. But I’m not sure if I want to try.

Then again, it's just a rug. But in Warner Brothers cartoons, I can guess Roadrunner can pass right through. But Wiley Coyote unfortunately can't.

Then again, it’s just a rug. But in Warner Brothers cartoons, I can guess Roadrunner can pass right through. But Wiley Coyote unfortunately can’t.

41. Mind that you keep an eye on the floor when you get in.

Of course, when I said, "eye on the floor" I didn't mean in that context. Also, it looks quite disgusting for my taste.

Of course, when I said, “eye on the floor” I didn’t mean in that context. Also, it looks quite disgusting for my taste.

42. Guess if you’re one of those bullrogs, you might want to pass this one.

Yes, this is a Lord of the Rings doormat featuring Gandalf. And I'm sure this will be a hit with Middle Earth fans far and wide.

Yes, this is a Lord of the Rings doormat featuring Gandalf. And I’m sure this will be a hit with Middle Earth fans far and wide.

43. Nothing makes a room look badass than a rug with Hitler’s head on it.

I've seen rugs like these on Google Images. However, I used Hitler since he's probably the most acceptable example on this post. If you don't know that, read your WWII history books or watch Schindler's List. Okay, that's too depressing so you'd better go with The Great Dictator.

I’ve seen rugs like these on Google Images. However, I used Hitler since he’s probably the most acceptable example on this post. If you don’t know that, read your WWII history books or watch Schindler’s List. Okay, that’s too depressing so you’d better go with The Great Dictator.

44. Commemorate the Iraq War, with this genuine rug of Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Then again, this rug of Iraq kind of brings back memories of not so pleasant time in American politics in which us Americans were lied into a war based on nonexistent WMDS. I'm sure that members of the Bush Administration have this to muse about happier times. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

Then again, this rug of Iraq kind of brings back memories of not so pleasant time in American politics in which us Americans were lied into a war based on nonexistent WMDS. I’m sure that members of the Bush Administration have this to muse about happier times. Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld in particular.

45. Not sure how the tire marks got there on this living room rug. Not sure if I want to find out.

Now this is one of those John Deer rugs now that I think about it. The tracks are supposed to be from tractor tires. Yeah, it's hard for me to explain.

Now this is one of those John Deer rugs now that I think about it. The tracks are supposed to be from tractor tires. Yeah, it’s hard for me to explain.

46. Enjoy a White Russian with your friends on this one-of-a-kind Big Lebowski rug.

Seems like that movie is quite popular among people who love rugs for some reason. I wonder why. Still, I wonder if they have ones for other characters.

Seems like that movie is quite popular among people who love rugs for some reason. I wonder why. Still, I wonder if they have ones for other characters.

47. For you meat lovers out there, this rug of kielbasa will do quite nicely.

They have a few of these pertaining to baloney, ham, and pork. Then again, this might be salami. It's hard to say.

They have a few of these pertaining to baloney, ham, and pork. Then again, this might be salami. It’s hard to say.

48. I’m sure an old timey mustache welcome mat will make your guests feel right at home.

I don't know about you, but when I see this rug, I expect a guy from the 1800s emerge and say, "Good day to you, madam, may I daresay the weather is just barmy."

I don’t know about you, but when I see this rug, I expect a guy from the 1800s emerge and say, “Good day to you, madam, may I daresay the weather is just barmy.”

49. As I’ve said before, there ain’t a better rug like an Oreo rug for the living room.

Of course, it doesn't seem to come with a sandwich unlike Oreo cookies. Nor can it be dunked. But I'm sure Nabisco would approve.

Of course, it doesn’t seem to come with a sandwich unlike Oreo cookies. Nor can it be dunked. But I’m sure Nabisco would approve.

50. If you like rocks and geology, this geode rug will do just nicely.

Now this is a real intricate formation this person has here. Then again, when it comes to floor coverings, I'm kind of a stickler for symmetry. It's what I'm used to so don't ask me.

Now this is a real intricate formation this person has here. Then again, when it comes to floor coverings, I’m kind of a stickler for symmetry. It’s what I’m used to so don’t ask me.

51. Nothing can make a Marvel fan’s day than having a Captain America shield rug in their bathroom.

Well, there are plenty of Captain America fans out there, I wonder how many would actually buy this. Well, other than single men, anyway. Still, something to talk about at the comic convention.

Well, there are plenty of Captain America fans out there, I wonder how many would actually buy this. Well, other than single men, anyway. Still, something to talk about at the comic convention.

52. Add a little Mexican flavor into your living room with this pinata skin rug.

However, though it's quite common in regular pinatas, this one doesn't contain any candy. The hunters made sure of that when they emptied it of its insides.

However, though it’s quite common in regular pinatas, this one doesn’t contain any candy. The hunters made sure of that when they emptied it of its insides.

53. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a rug containing roadkill.

Actually you can because I'm sure this won't go well with visitors who'd think you're quite demented. Then again, they might find it hilarious. Either way, it's pretty disgusting.

Actually you can because I’m sure this won’t go well with visitors who’d think you’re quite demented. Then again, they might find it hilarious. Either way, it’s pretty disgusting.

54. Of course, everyone has their own way of saying “go away” now and then.

As you know, by "blow this joint" it can mean either smoking a joint or getting your ass out of there. In this case, it's most likely the latter.

As you know, by “blow this joint” it can mean either smoking a joint or getting your ass out of there. In this case, it’s most likely the latter.

55. Now this rug is guaranteed to give you the ultimate Big Lebowski experience (besides watching the movie of course).

Though it initially resembles the rug from the movie. When you take a closer look, you'd recognize the bowling balls and pins as well as the faces of many of the characters. They have other stuff on there, too.

Though it initially resembles the rug from the movie. When you take a closer look, you’d recognize the bowling balls and pins as well as the faces of many of the characters. They have other stuff on there, too.

56. Why play Pacman on the screen while you can play it on the floor?

Because playing Pacman on the floor is way too easy. Still, I'm sure any fan of Atari would want this in their living room.

Because playing Pacman on the floor is way too easy. Still, I’m sure any fan of Atari would want this in their living room.

57. For those who love Nintendo, you might like this Super Mario Brothers map rug.

Unfortunately, I'm sure the princess is in another castle. And I'm positive that it's not on this map either. Sorry, folks.

Unfortunately, I’m sure the princess is in another castle. And I’m positive that it’s not on this map either. Sorry, folks.

58. For those Atari fans who didn’t care for Pacman, here’s a rug commemorating Space Invaders.

Man, seems like some rug makers tend to have a lot of Atari nostalgia. Still, looks quite ornate for one commemorating a video game.

Man, seems like some rug makers tend to have a lot of Atari nostalgia. Still, looks quite ornate for one commemorating a video game.

59. With this KISS rug you can rock and roll all night as well as party every day.

Now I'm not a fan of KISS but let's just say I couldn't pass this one up. Well, because it's certain to be way tackier than many other rock groups. Besides, I don't particularly think metal fans would be into rugs either.

Now I’m not a fan of KISS but let’s just say I couldn’t pass this one up. Well, because it’s certain to be way tackier than many other rock groups. Besides, I don’t particularly think metal fans would be into rugs either.

60. Any die hard Star Wars fan would know that you can’t possibly do without a rug of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

Now this is just priceless. Of course, I've seen Han Solo's carbonite image on almost everything you can think of. Still, pretty funny and almost looks real.

Now this is just priceless. Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo’s carbonite image on almost everything you can think of. Still, pretty funny and almost looks real.

61. Guess there’s nothing to see here. Guess we came to the wrong house.

Of course, let's just say this won't go well with some people. Particularly if the residents resemble Italians with New York accents known by names like "Harold Smith" or something like that. You might wonder whether they might have some kind of past.

Of course, let’s just say this won’t go well with some people. Particularly if the residents resemble Italians with New York accents known by names like “Harold Smith” or something like that. You might wonder whether they might have some kind of past.

62. Beware of Bunnies. Guess it’s time for me to come armed with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

Seems like Tim the Enchanter was right. Bunnies are monstrous animals with gnashing, pointy teeth. Yes, rabbits are dynamite, indeed.

Seems like Tim the Enchanter was right. Bunnies are monstrous animals with gnashing, pointy teeth. Yes, rabbits are dynamite, indeed.

63. Guess this belongs to a guy who works in computers. Wonder why I get that impression?

Now they tell me to wipe my feet before I come in. Nice, real nice. Still, not sure if I quite buy it.

Now they tell me to wipe my feet before I come in. Nice, real nice. Still, not sure if I quite buy it.

64. Guess someone needs to teach this cat how to bowl for tuna.

If it's not dogs taking their owners hostage for ribs, it's cats doing the same for tuna. Jesus, what is this world coming to already?

If it’s not dogs taking their owners hostage for ribs, it’s cats doing the same for tuna. Jesus, what is this world coming to already?

65. Have your kid reenact their favorite Star Wars scene with this Death Star rug.

However, remember this is not a moon, it's a space station. A space station with a weapon powerful to blow up an entire planet like Alderaan.

However, remember this is not a moon, it’s a space station. A space station with a weapon powerful to blow up an entire planet like Alderaan.

66. For video nerds, this rug will do quite nicely in your entertainment center.

Not sure what this has to do with VCR tapes or anything. But it's probably derived from the 1980s or some time when they had VCR tapes.

Not sure what this has to do with VCR tapes or anything. But it’s probably derived from the 1980s or some time when they had VCR tapes.

67. For your ugly Christmas sweater party, celebrate the season with this ugly Christmas rug.

I think they have a few of these as tie in to Christmas Vacation. Of course, I only had to choose one for the post.

I think they have a few of these as tie in to Christmas Vacation. Of course, I only had to choose one for the post.

68. Of course, you can’t go wrong with a 420 tie dye rug for your stoner friends.

While it might be fine in Washington State, and Colorado, I'm not sure if it's the case anywhere else. Yet, as one hippie said, "Don't fear the reefer, man."

While it might be fine in Washington State, and Colorado, I’m not sure if it’s the case anywhere else. Yet, as one hippie said, “Don’t fear the reefer, man.”

69. Nothing satisfies the house of a true Star Wars fan than a fuzzy rug of a wampa’s skin.

Guess Luke Skywalker finally has a souvenir from Hoth to give to Princess Leia. Oh wait, he cut the creature's arm off and left it to die. Yet, not sure if he kissed his sister in The Empire Strikes Back or in A New Hope.

Guess Luke Skywalker finally has a souvenir from Hoth to give to Princess Leia. Oh wait, he cut the creature’s arm off and left it to die. Yet, not sure if he kissed his sister in The Empire Strikes Back or in A New Hope.

70. When you slay a werewolf, remember his hide makes a great rug on your living room floor.

Let's just hope that this isn't the skin of Remus Lupin. Then again, I wouldn't mind if it was Taylor Lautner's character from Twilight though. Now that's a werewolf who should be skinned.

Let’s just hope that this isn’t the skin of Remus Lupin. Then again, I wouldn’t mind if it was Taylor Lautner’s character from Twilight though. Now that’s a werewolf who should be skinned.

71. I’m sure nothing brings you in memory lane like an old cassette tape rug.

Oh, the old cassette tape. I remember growing up with these. Wonder if any of my younger cousins will, which I highly doubt. Hell, I'm sure the youngest two wouldn't know what a cassette is.

Oh, the old cassette tape. I remember growing up with these. Wonder if any of my younger cousins will, which I highly doubt. Hell, I’m sure the youngest two wouldn’t know what a cassette is.

72. Of course, a real Pittsburgh Steeler fan can’t show his or her support for the team without a Terrible Towel welcome mat.

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but I'm afraid you can't go in. Steeler fans only. This is especially true when the Steelers are playing your beloved Baltimore Ravens. (Okay, I'm just kidding).

Sorry, Uncle Mike, but I’m afraid you can’t go in. Steeler fans only. This is especially true when the Steelers are playing your beloved Baltimore Ravens. (Okay, I’m just kidding).

73. Seems like somebody really doesn’t want to be bothered at the moment.

Yeah, I'm sure there's somebody this person wants to avoid. Nevertheless, I find this slogan quite funny if you get my drift.

Yeah, I’m sure there’s somebody this person wants to avoid. Nevertheless, I find this slogan quite funny if you get my drift.

74. Well, that’s one way of warding off burglars.

Then again, it's always said that the grass is always greener. Either that or they're really using a ton of sprinklers and fertilizer on their lawn.

Then again, it’s always said that the grass is always greener. Either that or they’re really using a ton of sprinklers and fertilizer on their lawn.

75. On this Enterprise rug, you can go where no man has gone before.

Yes, this is the rug of the Star Trek Enterprise. Not sure from which series. However, insatiable green girl not included. Do I make myself clear, Captain Kirk?

Yes, this is the rug of the Star Trek Enterprise. Not sure from which series. However, insatiable green girl not included. Do I make myself clear, Captain James T. Kirk?

76. Imagine yourself a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away with this Millennium Falcon rug.

Sure you might think Han Solo's ship is quite awesome. But in the Star Wars universe it's kind of the equivalent of a rusty Ford El Camino or my friend Jimmy's van in high school.

Sure you might think Han Solo’s ship is quite awesome. But in the Star Wars universe it’s kind of the equivalent of a rusty Ford El Camino or my friend Jimmy’s van in high school.

77. Now this must’ve been quite a ferocious monster in its day.

Not sure what it is. But I'd sure as hell don't want to be anywhere near it. Let's hope it's dead and its skin adorns some crazy single guy's living room.

Not sure what it is. But I’d sure as hell don’t want to be anywhere near it. Let’s hope it’s dead and its skin adorns some crazy single guy’s living room.

78. Welcome and greetings, doggy style.

As someone who's been around dogs all her life, I know that sniffing each other's butts is how dogs greet each other. They also tend to mark their territory and leave messages with their urine. Yes, it's disgusting.

As someone who’s been around dogs all her life, I know that sniffing each other’s butts is how dogs greet each other. They also tend to mark their territory and leave messages with their urine. Yes, it’s disgusting.

79. Dog hiding in bushes, act as if nothing is going on. Just act natural and casual.

Of course, all what the dogs are doing in the bushes is probably nothing to be concerned of. Probably digging or peeing, that's all.

Of course, all what the dogs are doing in the bushes is probably nothing to be concerned of. Probably digging or peeing, that’s all.

80. “Speak friend and enter.”

Now we just have to find what's the Elvish word for friend and come in. Still, if it's the Mines of Moira, I really don't want anything to do with the place. Bye now.

Now we just have to find what’s the Elvish word for friend and come in. Still, if it’s the Mines of Moira, I really don’t want anything to do with the place. Bye now.

Fun with Garden Gnomes

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Perhaps, no tacky garden artwork gets as much notoriety as the garden gnome. Sure they don’t look like figures of the ideal human form. Rather they tend to be little Santa Clauses with boots, pants, blue tunic, and a red cone hat. But somehow people seem to like them enough that they’ve become icons of their own for some reason or another. Now a gnome is a mythological creature spirit introduced by Paracelsus in the 16th century as a spirit of Renaissance alchemy and magic. They are typically said to be small, humanoid creatures that tend to live underground. Sometimes it’s said that they’re willing to help out the garden at night. Yet, they didn’t become the lawn ornaments we know today until the 19th century and didn’t take their present form until after WWII as inspired by Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Nevertheless, they’re often the target of pranks in which people would “kidnap” the gnome and “return it to the wild” with Italy having a Garden Gnome Liberation Front. There are also instances in which garden gnomes have been “kidnapped” and sent on trips around the world which formed the basis of “Where’s My Gnome?” series of ads for Travelocity starting in 2008. And it’s the reason why we have the Travelocity Gnome. Still, in 2008, they arrested a guy in France for stealing 170 of these things. There is even a gnome reserve in England, home to over 2,000 gnomes and was mentioned in the Guinness Book of World Records. Nevertheless, there are plenty of garden gnomes out there in all different varieties that you might find amusing. Some may seem a bit adult while others are derived from pop culture. So for your reading pleasure, here I welcome you to look at all the different varieties of kitschy garden gnomes.

1. Walter Sobchak Gnome isn’t happy whenever one is over the line.

You think that garden gnomes were supposed to be rather docile and pleasant. However, Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski was anything but. So I think it's ironic that there's a garden gnome of him. Expect him to pull out his gun and rant about his time in Nam.

You think that garden gnomes were supposed to be rather docile and pleasant. However, Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski was anything but. So I think it’s ironic that there’s a garden gnome of him. Expect him to pull out his gun and rant about his time in Nam.

2. It seems that purple macdaddy gnome seems to make it his business with all his garden hos.

“You want manic pixie dream girls and water sprites? Well, I got them bitches with me on fairy dust. Oh, I’m sure they’re clean but you might want to use protection.”

3. Of course, this gnome is off to the beach in his green mankini.

Let's just say, I wonder if Sacha Baron Cohen regrets setting off this male swimsuit trend when he wore the thing in Borat. Yeah, not the kind of swimsuit I'd want any man to wear.

Let’s just say, I wonder if Sacha Baron Cohen regrets setting off this male swimsuit trend when he wore the thing in Borat. Yeah, not the kind of swimsuit I’d want any man to wear.

4. This hippie gnome really gets into his tie dye, man.

Not sure if the cone hat goes with the tie dye. But with the glasses and his beard, I'm sure he'd fit in at any music festival quite nicely. Still, I'd stay out of the 1969 Woodstock festival if I were him.

Not sure if the cone hat goes with the tie dye. But with the glasses and his beard, I’m sure he’d fit in at any music festival quite nicely. Still, I’d stay out of the 1969 Woodstock festival if I were him.

5. In Florida, this gnome always knows that the beach with the lawn flamingos is where it’s at.

Of course, I'm sure if this gnome were a regular sized guy, he'd just blend in. Well, if he lost the cone hat. Still, embodies a lot about what people say about Florida which is a silly place.

Of course, I’m sure if this gnome were a regular sized guy, he’d just blend in. Well, if he lost the cone hat. Still, embodies a lot about what people say about Florida which is a silly place.

6. This gnome only wishes that your garden be filled with peace, love, and rock & roll.

Of course, I'm sure he's on some kind of weird grass in the yard. Probably the kind of gnome you'd want for your marijuana garden. Still, the cone hat really stands out for him.

Of course, I’m sure he’s on some kind of weird grass in the yard. Probably the kind of gnome you’d want for your marijuana garden. Still, the cone hat really stands out for him.

7. Of course, gnomes tend to be human like the rest of us with some having less misgivings than others.

Sure it's nice that they love each other and keep the spark alive. But I think they really need to take it somewhere else. I mean you don't want to freak out the neighbors.

Sure it’s nice that they love each other and keep the spark alive. But I think they really need to take it somewhere else. I mean you don’t want to freak out the neighbors.

8. Seems like a gnome zombie plague has infected the garden lately.

And it seems that zombies are partial to the dark meat since it's well known what happens to black guys in horror movies. Of course, I'm sure black gnomes are no different.

And it seems that zombies are partial to the dark meat since it’s well known what happens to black guys in horror movies. Of course, I’m sure black gnomes are no different.

9. Of course, while gnomes are often benign in the garden, sometimes this isn’t the case. So be prepared.

Yeah, you should always beware of the gnome carrying an ax behind his back. But you should defend yourself before these murderous lawn warriors strike.

Yeah, you should always beware of the gnome carrying an ax behind his back. But you should defend yourself before these murderous lawn warriors strike.

10. Nevertheless, even gnomes tend to prefer the convenience of a flush toilet as well as a bit of light reading while on the john.

Still, I wonder if that book he's reading has another purpose. Because I don't see a roll of toilet paper anywhere in this.

Still, I wonder if that book he’s reading has another purpose. Because I don’t see a roll of toilet paper anywhere in this.

11. “All we are saying, is give weeds a chance.”

Not sure why he has a bird on his guitar or why he's on the bird feeder. Either way, he seems quite groovy, man.

Not sure why he has a bird on his guitar or why he’s on the bird feeder. Either way, he seems quite groovy, man.

12. Of course, these skeleton gnomes tend to make great Halloween lawn decor.

Of course, they're so thin that they don't have any skin on them. Yet, I love whatever's holding that basket, by the way. Quite clever.

Of course, they’re so thin that they don’t have any skin on them. Yet, I love whatever’s holding that basket, by the way. Quite clever.

13. Seems like this stoner gnome really enjoys lounging around and smoking his grass.

Of course, he'll probably feel right at home wherever it's legal. Yet, if it's not, you should probably just let him smoke his joint in the bushes. Not sure about that tunic though.

Of course, he’ll probably feel right at home wherever it’s legal. Yet, if it’s not, you should probably just let him smoke his joint in the bushes. Not sure about that tunic though.

14. Seems like this nerdy gnome is really into D & D and larping.

Of course, he's also a Trekkie and has an atom on his shirt. Seems like he's on a quest to attend the legendary festival of Comic Con. That, or he's probably wanting to attend a nerd convention nearby.

Of course, he’s also a Trekkie and has an atom on his shirt. Seems like he’s on a quest to attend the legendary festival of Comic Con. That, or he’s probably wanting to attend a nerd convention nearby.

15. Seems like Leather Daddy gnome really enjoys watering his garden.

Of course, you really don't want to look at him from behind. Yeah, he sometimes tends to let it all hang out where the sun isn't supposed to shine. Not sure why.

Of course, you really don’t want to look at him from behind. Yeah, he sometimes tends to let it all hang out where the sun isn’t supposed to shine. Not sure why.

16. Seems like these hairy cons just broke out of the Big Greenhouse.

And it seems they've taken some animals with them for sustenance. Nevertheless, I'm not sure if they have any idea of how to get over that fence.

And it seems they’ve taken some animals with them for sustenance. Nevertheless, I’m not sure if they have any idea of how to get over that fence.

17. Of course, Gnome Elvis will always make your garden party a smash, even if he’s just an impersonator.

Of course, I'm sure all the qualudes and peanut butter and banana sandwiches will catch up to him somehow. Still, I'm sure that cone goes great with that polyester jumpsuit. Still, that look seems like Elvis from the Vegas years.

Of course, I’m sure all the qualudes and peanut butter and banana sandwiches will catch up to him somehow. Still, I’m sure that cone goes great with that polyester jumpsuit. Still, that look seems like Elvis from the Vegas years.

18. For those who want super protection for their gardens, perhaps they should try a superhero gnome.

Now these consist of Super Gnome, Bat Gnome and Captain Americgnome. Still, I have to warn you that while they may guarantee protection, they're also known to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

Now these consist of Super Gnome, Bat Gnome and Captain Americgnome. Still, I have to warn you that while they may guarantee protection, they’re also known to inflict a lot of collateral damage.

19. Beware the vampire gnome with his red eyes and fangs, especially when lurking among the tall grass and leaves.

Of course, he may look nice during the daytime. But when it gets dark, he won't hesitate to bite anyone's neck to suck their blood. Yes, this is one scary gnome, indeed.

Of course, he may look nice during the daytime. But when it gets dark, he won’t hesitate to bite anyone’s neck to suck their blood. Yes, this is one scary gnome, indeed.

20. Of course, this gnome rider’s ride tends to travel at a snail’s pace these days.

Yet, this should surprise nobody these days since he's riding a snail. However, he should watch out for any form of salt if he wants his snail ride to last for a long time.

Yet, this should surprise nobody these days since he’s riding a snail. However, he should watch out for any form of salt if he wants his snail ride to last for a long time.

21. “Gnome, Gnome on the range….”

Of course, I'm not sure if he's a cowboy gnome or a rancher gnome. Then again, despite being in cowboy clothes, I'm not sure if he even works with cows. Because if he don't have cows, then he's no cowboy.

Of course, I’m not sure if he’s a cowboy gnome or a rancher gnome. Then again, despite being in cowboy clothes, I’m not sure if he even works with cows. Because if he don’t have cows, then he’s no cowboy.

22. Of course, what better way to protect your lawn and garden than with Wonder Gnomeman.

Unlike Wonder Woman, at least she doesn't wear skimpy outfits to kick ass. Also, she loves flowers, too. And she has a nice yellow cone hat.

Unlike Wonder Woman, at least she doesn’t wear skimpy outfits to kick ass. Also, she loves flowers, too. And she has a nice yellow cone hat.

23. Even gnomes must dress for business while at their jobs in the corporate marketplace.

Nevertheless, you have to love how their cone hats go with their gray suits. Yet, I'm sure their workplace dress codes would want them to lose the hats and shave. Also like how they're on their cell phones.

Nevertheless, you have to love how their cone hats go with their gray suits. Yet, I’m sure their workplace dress codes would want them to lose the hats and shave. Also like how they’re on their cell phones.

24. Of course, you best be on your back if you don’t want to mess with the Gnome Manchu.

Of course, the Fu Manchu isn't a great Asian stereotype. But I found his long mustache so funny that I couldn't resist leaving this one out.

Of course, the Fu Manchu isn’t a great Asian stereotype. But I found his long mustache so funny that I couldn’t resist leaving this one out.

25. “You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life/See that gnome, watch him, diggin’ the Dancing Gnome.”

Of course, while the Swedish group was a great success in the 1970s, they split in the 1980s due to internal strife. Still, I'm sure they'd be remembered for all those pop hits which formed the soundtrack for Mamma Mia!.

Of course, while the Swedish group was a great success in the 1970s, they split in the 1980s due to internal strife. Still, I’m sure they’d be remembered for all those pop hits which formed the soundtrack for Mamma Mia!.

26. Of course, you’ll need a metal detector gnome in case a vandal plants a landmine in your yard.

Then again, he could just be looking for treasure. Of course, he should realize that certain electric and water systems may also be underground, too. Don't want to make a mistake there.

Then again, he could just be looking for treasure. Of course, he should realize that certain electric and water systems may also be underground, too. Don’t want to make a mistake there.

27. Let’s just say whoever thought you can look gangster in a white beard and cone hat?

As they say,

As they say, “I didn’t choose the gnome life. Gnome life chose me.” Yes, and I’m sure it’s a rough time in the inner gardens with high crime and shrooms to be exact.

28. Of course, no gnome could say no to the one and only Big Bad Bertha.

I'm sure what she lacks in moral propriety she makes up for in helping girls develop a positive body image. Still, not sure if this makes my post unsafe for work or what.

I’m sure what she lacks in moral propriety she makes up for in helping girls develop a positive body image. Still, not sure if this makes my post unsafe for work or what.

29. Of course, we can’t forget about the hit HBO TV show Game of Gnomes.

Let's just say that if that's a depiction of the Sean Bean character, my guess is that he'll be dead within a year. Still, I really like the throne and the shovel he's holding. But I'm sure you don't want to go into his garden, especially during weddings.

Let’s just say that if that’s a depiction of the Sean Bean character, my guess is that he’ll be dead within a year. Still, I really like the throne and the shovel he’s holding. But I’m sure you don’t want to go into his garden, especially during weddings.

30. For those concerned Jews out there, I’m sure Shalom Gnome will make your garden kosher.

Of course, this is probably the most Jewed out gnome out there. He even has a Star of David with a Hebrew inscription on his belt for God's sake.

Of course, this is probably the most Jewed out gnome out there. He even has a Star of David with a Hebrew inscription on his belt for God’s sake. Don’t give him pork or shellfish though.

31. And you thought gnomes enjoyed the sound of flutes and nature sounds. But not always.

Hear they play at the garden club circuit on Friday nights as well as jam at the recording studio during regular business hours. Still, there have been rumors that their lead singer was arrested for shroom possession.

Hear they play at the garden club circuit on Friday nights as well as jam at the recording studio during regular business hours. Still, there have been rumors that their lead singer was arrested for shroom possession. Drummer was also busted for weed and grass as well.

32. Of course, you should never mess with a garden gnome armed with an AK-47.

Now I'm sure you want to get off his lawn at the sight of him. Then again, he's small so I'm sure the ammo wouldn't hurt much anyway.

Now I’m sure you want to get off his lawn at the sight of him. Then again, he’s small so I’m sure the ammo wouldn’t hurt much anyway.

33. When it comes to swimming, some gnomes just want to let it all hang out.

Unless he's planning to visit a nude beach, I'm sure he'll have a hard time swimming in an area where nobody's watching him. Also, kind of wish he'd at least wear some pants.

Unless he’s planning to visit a nude beach, I’m sure he’ll have a hard time swimming in an area where nobody’s watching him. Also, kind of wish he’d at least wear some pants.

34. Seems like this gnome is really enjoying himself during his island getaway in Hawaii.

Of course, I'm sure he's bound to make the Travelocity Roaming Gnome jealous. Still, if he has more Margaritas, he'll soon be searching for his lost shaker of salt.

Of course, I’m sure he’s bound to make the Travelocity Roaming Gnome jealous. Still, if he has more Margaritas, he’ll soon be searching for his lost shaker of salt.

35. Of course, there’s always that gnome who tends to travel with a dark passenger and have a thirst to kill.

I'm sure nobody wants to mess with the Dexter gnome if he's in your garden. Still, he tends to kill his victims on the cutting board, which is fittingly enough. Nevertheless, he uses much less plastic than the one on TV.

I’m sure nobody wants to mess with the Dexter gnome if he’s in your garden. Still, he tends to kill his victims on the cutting board, which is fittingly enough. Nevertheless, he uses much less plastic than the one on TV.

36. Seems like even the gnomes want to take pictures of themselves these days.

Still, being a classic gnome, I doubt if he'd be recognized on Instagram among the others. Also, I wonder where he got that smart phone.

Still, being a classic gnome, I doubt if he’d be recognized on Instagram among the others. Also, I wonder where he got that smart phone.

37. Of course, some gnomes don’t know when they have had way too many.

Seems like all that hard tree sap can get to them if they've had enough. Guess it's best to leave sleeping dogs lie even if their butt cracks are showing.

Seems like all that hard tree sap can get to them if they’ve had enough. Guess it’s best to leave sleeping dogs lie even if their butt cracks are showing.

38. Now this meditating gnome is a true Zen master of the highest degree.

It's said he'd sit there meditating for so long that the birds would perch in his beard. Guess he'd have to clean it when he's done since the bird might leave him an unpleasant surprise.

It’s said he’d sit there meditating for so long that the birds would perch in his beard. Guess he’d have to clean it when he’s done since the bird might leave him an unpleasant surprise.

39. Of course, this gnome looks as black as a tar baby.

I don't know about you, but I think there's something a bit racist about this gnome. I'm not sure what. Could it be because it looks painted in blackface and is drinking booze? Yeah, that's probably it.

I don’t know about you, but I think there’s something a bit racist about this gnome. I’m not sure what. Could it be because it looks painted in blackface and is drinking booze? Yeah, that’s probably it.

40. Seems like somebody either forgot to put sunscreen or has caught too many UV rays.

Now that's a terrible sunburn. Guess taking a nap on the beach isn't really a good idea for the fair skinned. Not sure about covering your eyes with blueberries.

Now that’s a terrible sunburn. Guess taking a nap on the beach isn’t really a good idea for the fair skinned. Not sure about covering your eyes with blueberries.

41. Seems like this garden gnome really enjoys doing the hula in a grass skirt.

Then again, he seems like he's been on too many island spirits or possibly trying to do the Macarena. Hope that he doesn't show what's under his skirt because I'm afraid to look.

Then again, he seems like he’s been on too many island spirits or possibly trying to do the Macarena. Hope that he doesn’t show what’s under his skirt because I’m afraid to look.

42. Seems like this gnome and his old lady were meant to spend their lives on the open road.

Funny how they have gnomes for bikers these days. They seem like they're the people you'd least expect to be in this type of tacky lawn decoration. Still, hope these 2 don't belong in a gang.

Funny how they have gnomes for bikers these days. They seem like they’re the people you’d least expect to be in this type of tacky lawn decoration. Still, hope these 2 don’t belong in a gang.

43. Now this little gnome wish all you to feel the Pittsburgh steel.

For some reason the molten steel he's pouring seems to resemble Cheez Whiz. Still, you'd find that a lot of college and pro sports teams have their own collectible gnome like this one for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

For some reason the molten steel he’s pouring seems to resemble Cheez Whiz. Still, you’d find that a lot of college and pro sports teams have their own collectible gnome like this one for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

44. Seems like someone has to bend over to get a temperature.

I'm sure she's taking his temperature because this display looks older. Then again, there could be something kinky going on and what she's holding could be a butt plug instead of a thermometer.

I’m sure she’s taking his temperature because this display looks older. Then again, there could be something kinky going on and what she’s holding could be a butt plug instead of a thermometer.

45. Seems like some garden creep has been on way too much Viagra lately.

Nevertheless, at least he's wearing underwear. However, he's seems to be a pervert with a pension for exhibitionism, especially when he's erect. Yeah, I'd stay away from him if I were you.

Nevertheless, at least he’s wearing underwear. However, he’s seems to be a pervert with a pension for exhibitionism, especially when he’s erect. Yeah, I’d stay away from him if I were you.

46. Seems like this gnome is either trigger happy or on a shooting rampage.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to see him on a bad day. Reminds me of the Al Pacino character from Scarface. Oh, wait, that is derived from Scarface.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to see him on a bad day. Reminds me of the Al Pacino character from Scarface. Oh, wait, that is derived from Scarface.

47. Hipster gnome really thinks your android is sow mainstream.

Then again, I always picture hipsters as young people, not with white Santa Claus beards. Still, I'm sure that iPhone cost a fortune for those aren't cheap to buy or have repaired.

Then again, I always picture hipsters as young people, not with white Santa Claus beards. Still, I’m sure that iPhone cost a fortune for those aren’t cheap to buy or have repaired.

48. This undead garden gnome has a strong preference for venison.

Now that's really disgusting. And pretty demented if I do say so myself. Also seems to like his deer meat real raw and bloody.

Now that’s really disgusting. And pretty demented if I do say so myself. Also seems to like his deer meat real raw and bloody.

49. Of course, even the gnomes have to do dirty work once in a while.

Of course, there's a better way to cleaning dog shit than a pooper scooper. It's called leaving it there. Still, I'm not sure about him smoking a cigarette though.

Of course, there’s a better way to cleaning dog shit than a pooper scooper. It’s called leaving it there. Still, I’m not sure about him smoking a cigarette though.

50. Seems like someone has been drinking a little too much wine the night before.

Of course, waking up with a hangover could be worse in some situations other than this. Seems that glass of wine was too big for him for some reason.

Of course, waking up with a hangover could be worse in some situations other than this. Seems that glass of wine was too big for him for some reason.

51. “I am the gnome who knocks.”

Yes, this is a gnome Walter White. However, I'm sure when he got in the meth business, the whole garden gnome neighborhood went to shit. Still, wonder if they have a Jesse Pinkman gnome.

Yes, this is a gnome Walter White. However, I’m sure when he got in the meth business, the whole garden gnome neighborhood went to shit. Still, wonder if they have a Jesse Pinkman gnome.

52. Of course, zombie gnomes always prefer to help themselves to some pink flamingo.

Man, I didn't know those lawn flamingos could bleed. Always assumed they were made from plastic. Pretty demented though.

Man, I didn’t know those lawn flamingos could bleed. Always assumed they were made from plastic. Pretty demented though.

53. Now this gnome is a fine police officer of the law.

If it wasn't for the cone hat, I would've assumed him to be an actual police officer. Love the star badge on his hat though.

If it wasn’t for the cone hat, I would’ve assumed him to be an actual police officer. Love the star badge on his hat though.

54. Of course, while some gnomes are said to protect gardens, this one’s on the move to kill.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big machete in his hand as far as I can see. Or maybe it's just a knife.

Yeah, he has a deadly streak in his eyes as well as murder on the mind. He also has a big ass knife in his hand.

55. This gnome family shows us that the family that slays together, stays together.

So while the father is armed with an ax and a dueling flintlock pistol, the mother appears to carry a loaded shotgun and the baby in her back harness. Still, I'm sure the gun he has can't be fired without being reloaded.

So while the father is armed with an ax and a dueling flintlock pistol, the mother appears to carry a loaded shotgun and the baby in her back harness. Still, I’m sure the gun he has can’t be fired without being reloaded.

56. “I’m gonna rock n’roll all night, and garden party every day.”

I may not be a fan of KISS. But when I see them as gnomes or nutcrackers, I have to include such depictions on my blog just for giggles.

I may not be a fan of KISS. But when I see them as gnomes or nutcrackers, I have to include such depictions on my blog just for giggles.

57. Of course, on private matters, some gnomes can be really kinky in the garden.

Now this is pretty disturbing. Didn't know BDSM fetishes could extend to garden gnomes. Of course, I wonder if they have a dominatrix garden gnome to come with him.

Now this is pretty disturbing. Didn’t know BDSM fetishes could extend to garden gnomes. Of course, I wonder if they have a dominatrix garden gnome to come with him.

58. While most gnomes aren’t built like Adonis, this one is totally ripped.

Wonder if he's on any performance enhancing drugs of some sort. I mean most bodybuilders are to some extend. Hell, a lot of athletes are, too like Lance Armstrong.

Wonder if he’s on any performance enhancing drugs of some sort. I mean most bodybuilders are to some extend. Hell, a lot of athletes are, too like Lance Armstrong.

59. Of course, some gardens may contain a naturist gnome lurking around.

I'm sure the beard and belt are in place to cover up his naughty bits. Still, they call it the place where the sun don't shine for a reason.

I’m sure the beard and belt are in place to cover up his naughty bits. Still, they call it the place where the sun don’t shine for a reason.

60. Of course, this ninja gnome is bound to hit anyone with a shovel at any moment.

Actually most ninjas didn't wear black in real life since they functioned like covert agents and snipers. They usually dressed as peasants so the invisibility was psychological. However, this garden gnome ninja is just perfect.

Actually most ninjas didn’t wear black in real life since they functioned like covert agents and snipers. They usually dressed as peasants so the invisibility was psychological. However, this garden gnome ninja is just perfect.

61. Finally, a garden gnome promising change I can believe in.

I don't know about you, but I'm not sure whether this Obama gnome is wearing a cone hat. Then again, maybe it was how this picture was photographed.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure whether this Obama gnome is wearing a cone hat. Then again, maybe it was how this picture was photographed.

62. Seems like someone either doesn’t like flamingos or likes to eat them for dinner.

Now this is just demented if you really think about it. But I kind of find the gnome using the cleaver to behead a flamingo quite amusing, in a sick and twisted kind of way.

Now this is just demented if you really think about it. But I kind of find the gnome using the cleaver to behead a flamingo quite amusing, in a sick and twisted kind of way.

63. Like they say, it’s not over until the fat lady sings.

However, I have no idea why she'd wear a bikini and rabbit ears. I mean it doesn't seem like appropriate attire for an opera singer as far as I'm concerned.

However, I have no idea why she’d wear a bikini and rabbit ears. I mean it doesn’t seem like appropriate attire for an opera singer as far as I’m concerned.

64. Seems like the gnomes really take to skate boarding and its cultural trimmings these days.

Oldest looking skater boy I've ever seen. Also, shouldn't he be wearing a helmet? I mean he shouldn't want to risk a head injury.

Oldest looking skater boy I’ve ever seen. Also, shouldn’t he be wearing a helmet? I mean he shouldn’t want to risk a head injury.

65. Of course, you still have to face some obstacles even in places where no gnome has gone before.

Seems like Captain Kirk and Gorn are about to go at it in this. One of the most memorable moments in Star Trek history. Also, Gorn almost looks no different.

Seems like Captain Kirk and Gorn are about to go at it in this. One of the most memorable moments in Star Trek history. Also, Gorn almost looks no different.

66. Of course, you are all cordially invited to attend this royal gnome wedding.

So let me get this straight. The groom is already wearing a gone hat on his head. So why is he holding a top hat that's obviously too small for him? I don't get it. Don't get it at all.

So let me get this straight. The groom is already wearing a gone hat on his head. So why is he holding a top hat that’s obviously too small for him? I don’t get it. Don’t get it at all.

67. Of course, even in the gnome world, it seems that certain Starfleet members are more expendable than others.

Of course, for those who know anything about Star Trek: The Original Series, you'd be familiar with the term, "redshirt." Of course, in Star Trek, if a previously unknown Starfleet character wears a red shirt, there's a strong chance that he's never coming back.

Of course, for those who know anything about Star Trek: The Original Series, you’d be familiar with the term, “redshirt.” Of course, in Star Trek, if a previously unknown Starfleet character wears a red shirt, there’s a strong chance that he’s never coming back.

68. For the Japanese garden, these ninja and sumo wrestling gnomes will do you great service.

I don't know about you. But they seem more or less resemble the Seven Dwarfs than anything from Japan. And I don't think either of them have any Asian features either.

I don’t know about you. But they seem more or less resemble the Seven Dwarfs than anything from Japan. And I don’t think either of them have any Asian features either.

69. Seems like this guy has come straight out of Gnomeland Security.

Then again, he could be a sheriff or state trooper. Still, I'm sure intruders wouldn't want to mess with him.

Then again, he could be a sheriff or state trooper. Still, I’m sure intruders wouldn’t want to mess with 

70. I call this one, “the Skanky Bride Gnome.”

Yeah, I don't really care for swimsuit weddings. But I'm not sure why she'd have that set up for the bottoms. Oh, wait, is that her underwear? So why isn't she wearing a dress, then?

Yeah, I don’t really care for swimsuit weddings. But I’m not sure why she’d have that set up for the bottoms. Oh, wait, is that her underwear? So why isn’t she wearing a dress, then?

71. For a Stripper Gnome, she sure knows her way around a pole.

I might've posted a picture with this one before on my lawn ornament post last year. Still, it's quite funny and worth giving a closer look to. Also, I lover her glasses, by the way.

I might’ve posted a picture with this one before on my lawn ornament post last year. Still, it’s quite funny and worth giving a closer look to. Also, I lover her glasses, by the way. Kind of similar to how many would imagine strippers in the Harry Potter world to look like in some respect.

72. Unlike some garden gnomes, this tiki one belongs in his island garden paradise.

Okay, pretty sure that's a pretty offensive stereotype here. I mean blue paint, tusks in nose, shrunken head, grass skirt, staff, etc. Kind of reminds me of the savage natives you'd see in movies.

Okay, pretty sure that’s a pretty offensive stereotype here. I mean blue paint, tusks in nose, shrunken head, grass skirt, staff, etc. Kind of reminds me of the savage natives you’d see in movies.

73. Seems like these two gnombres are having a fiesta.

Love the mariachi hat and the turned boots. Still, shouldn't the lady's hair be free flowing? It just seems off that she's wearing a cone hat.

Love the mariachi hat and the turned boots. Still, shouldn’t the lady’s hair be free flowing? It just seems off that she’s wearing a cone hat.

74. I’m sure these gnomes of horror movie villains will make a killer addition to your garden.

Seems like this ensemble includes many of the slasher-horror favorites. There's Freddy and Jason as well as Leatherface. And I'm not sure who that one in the mask is. Really not sure.

Seems like this ensemble includes many of the slasher-horror favorites. There’s Freddy and Jason as well as Leatherface. And I’m not sure who that one in the mask is. Really not sure.

75. These two gnomes are on a mission from God.

Yes, these are gnomes of the Blues Brothers from 1970s SNL. Look pretty much like the originals save for the beards and cone hats. But you know what they say about garden gnomes though.

Yes, these are gnomes of the Blues Brothers from 1970s SNL. Look pretty much like the originals save for the beards and cone hats. But you know what they say about garden gnomes though.

76. Of course, you’d need a strong Viking warrior gnome to defend your garden.

Unlike some Viking depictions, at least this one doesn't have helmet horns for a change. Of course, he does have a wooden hammer and a white beard.

Unlike some Viking depictions, at least this one doesn’t have helmet horns for a change. Of course, he does have a wooden hammer and a white beard.

77. Presenting the royal gnomes.

Now that obviously has to be a take off of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip. Of course, the Prince Philip one is depicted in traditional gnome fashion.

Now that obviously has to be a take off of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip. Of course, the Prince Philip one is depicted in traditional gnome fashion.

78. Of course, even gnomes could be prone to worshipping the devil or listening to death metal music.

Now that looks quite terrifying. I don't mean the hat with the upside down cross. I mean the fact that his face and beard are painted like that which terrifies me.

Now that looks quite terrifying. I don’t mean the hat with the upside down cross. I mean the fact that his face and beard are painted like that which terrifies me.

79. Now this steampunk garden gnome seems to come fully automated.

Now is this an automaton or a gnome in a metal encased suit? Perhaps we'll never know for sure. Like the drill head though.

Now is this an automaton or a gnome in a metal encased suit? Perhaps we’ll never know for sure. Like the drill head though.

80. Of course, these Star Trek gnomes will allow your garden to go where no man has gone before.

Of course, I'm so used to Kirk and Spock being so clean shaven and thin (well, for the most part). Still, I wonder whether they have gnomes of the rest of the main cast as well. Maybe I'll never know for sure.

Of course, I’m so used to Kirk and Spock being so clean shaven and thin (well, for the most part). Still, I wonder whether they have gnomes of the rest of the main cast as well. Maybe I’ll never know for sure.

Family Unfriendly Board Games: Part 10 -Who’s Your Daddy? to Colossal Arena

Posted by historymaniacmegan on

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Note: The opening images in this series aren’t of real games by the way. They’re just photoshopped pictures I’ve obtained through various websites. But they kind of emphasize that these games I’m featuring aren’t meant for families for various reasons.

Okay, we’ve reached the final post of my series of family unfriendly board games. I hope you enjoyed reading all the stuff about the bad board games out there which are offensive, outdated, tacky, boring, or just plain stupid. Of course, I’ve had this idea for quite some time but I had to put up posts for the holidays and early summer. But since nothing is going on between the 4th of July and August, this time provides a good window for me. But, if we can be thankful of anything in the gaming world, it’s that many of these board games aren’t around anymore, especially the ones targeted to kids and the tie-in stuff. Well, at least no longer in print but you can probably get most of them off Amazon or Etsy. So without further adieu, here is the final installment of my series of family unfriendly board games.

91. Who’s Your Daddy?

Now this is a game in which players are either women trying to have kids to as many men as possible to get child support or men trying to avoid paying the court-mandated payments. Let's just say the only thing good about this game is the chance to do your best Jerry Springer or Maury Povich impression. Other than that, it's a game that's trashy beyond all description.

Now this is a game in which players are either women trying to have kids to as many men as possible to get child support or men trying to avoid paying the court-mandated payments. Let’s just say the only thing good about this game is the chance to do your best Jerry Springer or Maury Povich impression. Other than that, it’s a game that’s trashy beyond all description.

Category: Humor, Negotiation, Party, Dice Rolling

Players: 4-12

Contents: booklet, dice, pencils, scoresheets, fake money

Object: Players play both a man and a woman during turns. As the woman, the player is trying to have as many kids to as many different men as possible who they will sue for child support if she can successfully pin paternity on them. As the man, the player is denying paternity in order to avoid the court-ordered payments. Player who still has money wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have no idea why anyone would come up with this sleazy idea that’s a mainstay staple of the trashy daytime talk show. Then again, it was released in 2001.

Why it’s not: Let’s just say thanks to daytime talk shows and derogatory stereotypes of greedy welfare mothers and irresponsible deadbeat dads, paternity suits don’t really have great connotations these days. In fact, this game’s very premise is so horrible to defy description that the only benefit of this game is that it gives the opportunity to give your best Maury Povich impersonation.

Available?: Hopefully not.

92. Baby Boomer: Tactical Survival in the Household

Baby Boomer is the kind of game in which you play either the parents or a cop trying to get an automatic weapon from a toddler's hands before someone gets killed. On the bright side, it's actually a very effective and convincing argument for gun control.

Baby Boomer is the kind of game in which you play either the parents or a cop trying to get an automatic weapon from a toddler’s hands before someone gets killed. On the bright side, it’s actually a very effective and convincing argument for gun control.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move

Players:1-3

Contents: dice, paper tabs, some paper pieces, hallway map

Object: Players represent Mom, Dad, and Officer Bill. Goal is for players to try to get them down the hallway before baby blows them up with a fully loaded Krup 9000, 16 shot, Near Silenced, Semi Auto pistol. Dog is the first victim.

Why they thought it was a good idea: For God’s sake, I have no idea why someone would think this would make a good board game.

Why it’s not: For fuck’s sake, this game is built around the premise of a toddler grabbing hold of a fully loaded automatic weapon. Now other than being an unintentional promotion for gun control, this baby is being raised by very irresponsible parents who don’t know shit about gun safety. Seriously, someone really needs to call Child Services on this one. Still, what kind of sadistic person would design a game like this? That’s insane!

Available?: No.

93. The Junkie Game

In the Junkie Game, players are heroin addicts in which they lose their job as well as suffer other negative consequences of drug addiction. Works like a reverse Monopoly. Nevertheless, it's a rather depressing game.

In the Junkie Game, players are heroin addicts in which they lose their job as well as suffer other negative consequences of drug addiction. Works like a reverse Monopoly. Nevertheless, it’s a rather depressing game.

Category: Economic, Educational, Roll/Spin and Move, Simulation

Players: 2-7

Contents: game board, cards, fake money

Object: Players represent heroin addicts who lose money, their jobs, and possessions throughout the course of play. When a player is unemployed, hustles help replace player income. They can also use Wisdom and Hassle cards as well. But as the game progresses, players are likely to acquire expensive habits requiring more money to maintain as well as suffer job loss, arrests, and negative consequences of board spaces. Player who survives the longest wins. Works kind of like a reverse Monopoly.

Why they thought it was a good idea: It was released in 1972 as a way to illustrate the destructive nature of drug addiction.

Why it’s not: Because drug addiction isn’t a fun subject since the real life junkie game is always a losing proposition. In fact, making it a board game subject is depressing, even without the prostitution and codependency issues. You’d have more fun watching The Wire than playing this.

Available?: Thankfully no.

94. The Senior Prom Game

To be fair, this game came out in the 1950s. But still, being a prom queen isn't a great aspiration for girls. This is especially true if their high school doesn't have one.

To be fair, this game came out in the 1950s. But still, being a prom queen isn’t a great aspiration for girls. This is especially true if their high school doesn’t have one. Also, neglects the realities of slutty dresses and teen pregnancy.

Category: Roll/Spin and Move, Children

Players:2-4

Contents: game board, player markers, spinner, 16 cardboard circles

Object: Players must attain the status of “Prom Queen” by obtaining 4 circles saying “Date,” “Grades,” “Formal,” and “Dance” in order to be qualified as a candidate along with landing on the space stating, “Selected Candidate for Prom Queen.” After that, each candidate must place their marker on a numbered star. First player to make it that far and spin the number matching their star space wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was made in the 1950s when prom in many ways would be the highlight of many teenage girls’ lives.

Why it’s not: For one, the game is stupid with spaces like “Meet new boy at game. Wow! Run ahead 3 spaces,” “Dance with T.V. idol at sock hop. Move ahead 6 spaces,” and “Study for finals with boy friend. Move ahead 2 spaces.”. Second, let’s just say aspiring to be prom queen isn’t a great one for girls, particularly if their school district doesn’t have one. Also, it’s kind of disturbing that it’s recommended for girls between 7-12. But unlike the real thing, there’s no risk for slutty dresses or teenage pregnancy involved with this game.

Available?: No.

95. Bigfoot: The Game

Now this is a game in which prospectors try to escape the monstrous wrath of dreaded Bigfoot in Alaska. Nevertheless, Bigfoot isn't a snow monster for God's sake. Seriously, Bigfoot is said to be in the Pacific Northwest.

Now this is a game in which prospectors try to escape the monstrous wrath of dreaded Bigfoot in Alaska. Nevertheless, Bigfoot isn’t a snow monster for God’s sake. Seriously, Bigfoot is said to be in the Pacific Northwest forests.

Category: Monsters, Children, Mythology, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, Bigfoot model, 10 plastic discs depicting footprints and blanks, player tokens, dice

Object: Players represent gold prospectors in Alaska who have sighted the dreaded Bigfoot. Players have 2 tokens and must move either at the roll of the dice. If the player token lands on a Bigfoot space, player rolls the dice again and moves the creature to full count. If the creature moves onto a player’s token, then a disc is put on that space. If it reveals footprints, then the token is out of the game. Last surviving player wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: I have no idea. It was made in 1977 so I can rule it out as being a tie-in to Harry and the Hendersons or that Bigfoot show on the History Channel.

Why it’s not: Not sure if a Bigfoot slaughtering innocents translates into fun, family entertainment. Also, Bigfoot isn’t really a snow monster.

Available?: No.

96. Leaping Lemmings

In Leaping Lemmings, players race their lemmings to the coast so they can dive off from cliffs. But watch out for the eagles. Basically murderous and suicidal fun for the whole family. Oh, wait, lemmings don't commit suicide. Damn you, Disney!

In Leaping Lemmings, players race their lemmings to the coast so they can dive off from cliffs. But watch out for the eagles. Basically murderous and suicidal fun for the whole family. Oh, wait, lemmings don’t commit suicide. Damn you, Disney!

Category: Animals, Humor, Racing, Dice Rolling, Hex-and-Counter

Players: 2-6

Contents: 2 Eagle dice, mounted map game board, 101 counters, 6 Clan player aid cards, deck of 55 cards

Object: Players control their own clan of specially bred and trained lemmings to compete with other clans, all trying to scurry down a canyon and throw themselves over a cliff. Distance and style points are important. One lemming diving with elan and style is worth 5 mundane divers. But players should be wary of eagles who might get to them first. At each term a movement card is revealed allowing for a 2-5 lemming movement points. But only the top lemming in each stack is allowed to move. Players can also use Special Action Cards to alter the rules to their advantage and their opponent’s detriment. Player with the most victory points wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, this was released in 2010. So your guess is as good as mine.

Why it’s not: While this is certainly a family friendly game, lemmings have been subject to many misconceptions that are still widely believed. For instance, thanks to some documentary shenanigans by Disney and others during the 1950s as well as their chaotic population fluctuations, it’s been widely believed that lemmings commit mass suicide by jumping off cliff. However, cliff jumping is a result of lemming migratory dispersal, not suicide. Lemmings can swim and may choose to cross a body of water in search of a new habitat. But sometimes they drown due to the body of water being so wide which stretches their physical capability to the limit. As for the population fluctuations, it’s now said to be based on predators, food, climate, and others. However, thanks to the mass suicide myth, a game pertaining to lemming cliff jumping might carry some unfortunate implications to some. Doesn’t help that reviews call this a murder and suicide fest either. Still, suicide fest or not, it’s still a pretty gory game.

Available?: Yes.

97. Sealed with a Kiss Game

In this game, players collect "kisses" on their "boyfriend's" picture which are marked with a "kisser" stamper. Of course, it's a stupid game targeted to preteen and teenage girls, obviously.

In this game, players collect “kisses” on their “boyfriend’s” picture which are marked with a “kisser” stamper. Of course, it’s a stupid game targeted to preteen and teenage girls, obviously.

Category: Children

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, spinner, 4 pawns, 4 picture frames, 4 plastic sheets, 6 double-sided boyfriend photos, 1 kiss stamper

Object: Players get one of 12 boyfriend photos which they put in a frame and move a around the board collecting kisses. When a player wins a kiss, they use a special “kisser” stamper to stamp the boyfriend’s photo. However, sometimes players can lose kisses, take kisses, or even trade boyfriends.  First player to collect 5 kisses wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Game developer wanted to appeal to a pre-teen girl demographic, I guess. Seriously, such shit was made for them.

Why it’s not: For one, it basically teaches girls that boys are more important during their teenage years than say, getting good grades to get into college. Second, it’s stupid. Third, it gives girls unrealistic expectations in boys.

Available?: No.

98. Electronic Mall Madness

Now this is a game targeted to preteen and teenage girls in which players shop for items at the mall with an unlimited supply of cash. Of course, this game doesn't have any perception of real world economics.

Now this is a game targeted to preteen and teenage girls in which players shop for items at the mall with an unlimited supply of cash. Of course, this game doesn’t have any perception of real world economics.

Category: Children, Economic, Electronic, Roll/Spin and Move

Players: 2-4

Contents: game board, electronic computer, 4 rubber pads, 4 shopping lists, 6 plastic wall pieces, 2 sale signs, 1 clearance sign, 8 plastic pawns, 40 plastic pegs, fake money, 4 credit cards, 29 pieces of cardboard

Object: Players are mall shoppers in which an electronic computer tells them the best deals and where to move. Goal is for players to purchase 6-10 items on their lists and get back to the parking lot. Access to ATM takes a whole turn, however.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Not sure, guess they think that teenage girls like shopping at the mall.

Why it’s not: It’s a highly materialistic game that teaches girls that there are no real life consequences to maxing out their parents’ credit cards and they’re a source of endless money supply. Also, shopping at the mall is expensive. Besides, it’s highly sexist with its obvious targeting at teenage girls suggesting that they like shopping at the mall. Hey, I’m female and most of the time, I hate shopping.

Available?: Not sure. Might be an online game. It has multiple versions since 1989.

99. Junta

In this game, players represent officers in a junta where they choose El Presidente who rewards them with offices and money. Involves lying, exile, backstabbing, assassination, and other dirty stuff. Certainly not recommended for families of any kind.

In this game, players represent officers in a junta where they choose El Presidente who rewards them with offices and money. Involves lying, exile, backstabbing, assassination, and other dirty stuff. Certainly not recommended for families of any kind.

Category: Bluffing, Humor, War, Mafia, Negotiation, Political, Dice Rolling

Players: 2-7

Contents: a giant mounted full-color map, deck of 78 cards, 3 dice, 148 counters, fake money

Object: Players represent various office holders in the ruling junta. Depending on office and various cards they hold, each player has a certain number of votes which help them choose El Presidente and the budget he or she proposes. El Presidente then distributes the money as he or she sees fit amongst the various offices. Loyalty is usually rewarded while pesky “thorns on side” are completely cut off. But he or she can and usually does keep some of the loot for his or herself with no one knowing the value drawn. Thus, players must attempt to assassinate opponents by guessing where they will be among 5 locations. Players who successfully kill another player, take their opponent’s money but must survive the assassination round to put it in a Swiss bank account. Also, unhappy players can call for a coup with the opposition trying to take control of a majority of power centers with rebels facing El Presidente’s forces. Player who amasses the most money secreted away in a Swiss bank account wins.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, it was probably inspired by the Banana Republic dictatorships in Latin America which it parodies when it was first released in 1975.

Why it’s not: Well, despite that it has quite a following, it also involves backstabbing, assassination, lying, exile, and other dirty stuff. Also, can take as long as 6 hours. Not for families or the faint hearted.

Available?: Well, it’s gone through a lot of versions.

100. Colossal Arena

Colossal Arena is a game where spectators take bets on battles between mythological creatures. Kind of like a mythological version of the gladiatorial games and whatever Michael Vick was doing.

Colossal Arena is a game where spectators take bets on battles between mythological creatures. Kind of like a mythological version of the gladiatorial games and whatever Michael Vick was doing.

Category: Card, Fantasy, Mythology

Players: 2-5

Contents: Deck of 163 cards or one of 110 cards with a draw discard tray, 25 wagering chips

Object: Players represent spectators cheering and betting on the melee ongoing in a fantasy arena/colosseum in which fantasy creatures are pitted against each other in battle. In each round one of the creatures will die. To decide which unlucky soul should, players put numbered power cards in front of the creatures with the lowest one going to the grave. Players’ place bets throughout the game will sometimes allow them to use a creature’s special power in battle. Bettor who rakes in the most winnings is the victor.

Why they thought it was a good idea: Well, I’m sure betting with fantasy creatures seemed like a great way for people to know about mythological creatures, according to one developer.

Why it’s not: Of course, the only thing that seems to make this game acceptable is that these are fantasy creatures in a Roman arena. Of course, monster battles might be awesome yet are nevertheless animals. Keep in mind it pertains to people betting on animals to fight, which shouldn’t be encouraged. Also, involves gambling.

Available?: Hopefully not.