The Enchanting Winter Wonderland of Snow Sculpture

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 9, 2014

Of course, snowmen aren’t the only thing you can make from snow during the winter. If you love to play in the snow and are a talented artist there’s snow sculpture which is comparable to sand sculpture which I’ve done in the past and ice sculpture which I’ll do next. Sometimes it’s seen as performance art and sometimes it’s not. Yet, whatever you think about it, a lot of snow sculptures will produce works of white winter beauties for international contests you’d see in the US, Canada, China, Russia, France, Poland, and Japan, which are usually held in January and February. Tools often include saws, shovels, and hatchets and sometimes such works are carved from large blocks of snow about 6 to 15 feet and weighing about 20-30 tons. The snow could either be produced naturally or through 7 Springs technology but it’s densely packed for obvious reasons. In this post, you’ll see many lovely snow sculptures that will astound you beyond your wildest dreams. So without further adieu, here are some of the lovely snow sculptures from this enchanting winter wonderland.

1. Check out this artistic rendition of a white fox in its natural habitat.

Of course, this may not be a realistic representation but it’s sure cute if you know what I mean.

2. How would you like to spend a winter in this snow cabin?

I’d sure hate to be the guy at that place when the snow starts thawing or during a blizzard. Also, hope the snow doesn’t cause a roof cave in.

3. Nothing captures the exotic beauty of India than a snow sculpture of the Taj Mahal.

Of course, anyone who knows anything about India knows creating such a sculpture like this wouldn’t be possible in that country. Well, save maybe the Himalaya Mountains, but you don’t want to go there.

4. Funny, I always thought wolves usually howled at the moon at night.

Then again, this sculpture certainly looks like a wolf down to its very detail. I wonder how that’s even possible.

5. As Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

However, while this snow rose is quite beautiful and graceful in the winter landscape, it’s also so freaking huge if you know what I mean.

6. Of course, you can’t have a snow and ice contest in China without a snow sculpture of Confucius.

I mean no Chinese philosopher has influenced China and its people more than this guy has. In fact, for a long time in China, you had to study his Analects and the commentaries just to pass a civil service test.

7. Of course, I couldn’t do a post on snow sculpture without including Hans Christen Andersen’s Snow Queen.

Contrary to popular belief while Frozen was inspired by the Snow Queen, it’s not necessarily based on it. Also, the Snow Queen’s name isn’t Elsa and she doesn’t have a troubled relationship with her sister. Nor does she cause eternal winter to her kingdom while singing, “Let It Go.”

8. This bear seems to have an avid interest in film making.

Of course, I don’t think he’s as interested in cinema as you’d like to think he is. I think he suspects that this camera contains food and it will be completely ruined when its human owner comes back.

9. Of course, being the Christmas season, I’ll have to include a snow sculpture of ol’ Saint Nick.

Just try sitting on that guy’s lap and telling him what you’d want for Christmas. Then again, it’s probably better if you sit on this Santa’s hand.

10. “He’s got the whole world in His hand?”

Well, it may seem like a cartoonified globe but still, I wonder how its artist manage to hollow the sculpture out as much as they did. Also, how didn’t this sculpture collapse? Guess snow is that compacted.

11. You’ve heard of a sand castle? Well, here’s a snow castle.

Now this castle snow sculpture just about puts Queen Elsa to shame. That is, if this castle were actually life sized and built as an actual castle. Still, very spectacular.

12. While we’re on the subject of snow castles, here’s a snow replica of Germany’s fairy tale Neuschwanstein Castle.

Of course, this castle’s construction wouldn’t be possible without the delusional madness of King Ludwig of Bavaria. Sure this project bankrupted Bavaria yet it’s now a popular tourist destination in Germany today.

13. Seems like this shark has a dental appointment with the Flash or some other superhero. It’s hard to tell at this angle.

Still, I’ll take a moment here to remind kids to never ever stick their hand in a shark’s mouth. Seriously, don’t ever try this at home if you have any common sense.

14. If it’s winter, why go on a vacation to Easter Island if you can have Moai in your front yard?

Of course, we know how these Moai came to this neighborhood. And I’m sure people on Easter Island can’t make their own Moai from snow because they don’t get any.

15. Of course, I couldn’t forget a snow sculpture of the minions from Despicable Me.

Of course, minons make rather easy snow sculptures and they’re in color, too. Still, these are minions nobody could ever resist. Who ever thought we’d think of these cute little guys when we mention “minions”?

16. Whether it be in rain, snow, sleet, or hail, you’ll always see Snoopy sleeping on his doghouse.

Of course, I always wonder why Snoopy prefers to sleep on his doghouse while he can certainly sleep inside. Then again, he may use his doghouse for office space, but still.

17. Nothing can please a Thai more royally than a snow replica of Bangkok’s Chakri Maha Prasat in the Grand Palace Complex.

Of course, while Bangkok is a city known for many things, it sure does know how to make a lot of money. Still, while this sculpture is impressive, please don’t have it’s viewing set to the Oscar & Hammerstein musical The King and I, because it didn’t get a good reception in Thailand. In fact, the Thais had it banned.

18. Who can forget this snow sculpture of the Grimm Brother’s famous fairy tale, “The Frog Prince?”

Of course, the Grimm’s “The Frog Prince” has one of the most unfortunate morals in fairy tales which goes like, “Ladies, if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex.” Let’s just say that the Disney version was much better.

19. Winter is the season when you see birds visit the birdhouse for the birdseed, especially the cardinal.

Neither does it stop the woodland rodents from trying to get to the birdseed either. Then again, there are some squirrel species that also eat birds.

Yet, this doesn’t stop the woodland rodents from trying to get to the birdseed either. Then again, there are some squirrel species that also eat birds.

20. Never underestimate the appeal China has for their dragons.

I’m sure this sculpture is a rendition of a Chinese folktale and not a Chinese retelling of J. R. R. Tolkein’s The Hobbit. After all, Asian dragons are seen as wise and powerful sages that help the heroes, which is very different from the Western tradition.

21. How about a snow sculpture of the Brussels Stock Exchange?

This building doesn’t really have a distinct name but the BSE was founded by Napoleon Bonaparte in 1801. Still, the Belgians call this place the Bouers.

22. Now here’s a snow sculpture of an eagle in its natural habitat.

I’m not sure if that’s a bald eagle (though it probably is) or whether the fish is a salmon. Still, looks very cool though and that eagle sure looks menacing.

23. Relive the grandeur of the Chinese Empire with a snow sculpture of Beijing’s Forbidden Palace.

I’m sure I posted a similar picture in my movie history post about China. I swear it was from The Last Emperor, which was about the life of Emperor Puyi.

24. What would winter be without a snow sculpture of polar bears and penguins?

Now that’s a cute sculpture but very much misplaced wildlife. I mean polar bears and penguins are only seen together in zoos and not in the same enclosure. Because that would be bad for the penguin.

25. Witness the glory of Ancient Athens with the famous Parthenon, which was the temple of Athena.

Of course, the real Parthenon isn’t anywhere near as stunning as this one is. Mostly because the real one has fallen to centuries of decline and ruin.

26. Now this is an interesting geometric design here. Looks like some sort of flower.

What astounds me most about this snow sculpture is how this artist got it to stand like that. Not only that but its design seems very delicate and graceful.

27. All aboard on the Polar Express.

Don’t worry this isn’t the train from the scary Christmas movie with Tom Hanks. Still, reminds me of an older model of a Coors Light Train.

28. Aww, cute a dad with his little kid in their snow suit.

Now you got to love this statue. However, at least this little kid won’t end up like Ralphie’s brother in A Christmas Story who couldn’t move his arms in his.

29. Only a snow sculpture like this could bring us into a prehistoric world of dinosaurs.

While making a snow sculpture of dinosaurs is okay, just make sure that they don’t come to life. You don’t want to live through a Jurassic Park situation.

30. Now here’s a nice little snow sculpture of a squirrel gathering nuts.

Of course, I really don’t understand why these acorns have faces. Not only that, but I’m puzzled on why the one the squirrel is holding smiling.

31. You never thought such flying horses could be so graceful in the snow.

Of course, these horses are just incredibly huge and you wouldn’t want to ride on them. Still, these are quite cool if you know what I mean.

32. Don’t look at this snow sculpture in the eye or else she’d turn you into stone.

You should know that this is a depiction of Medusa, you know one of the Gorgons. Still, she does have a haunting look, doesn’t she? Yet, she ain’t ugly if you know what I mean.

33. Nothing represents American pride more at a snow sculpture contest than one of Lady Liberty herself.

Yes, this is Lady Liberty as a snow sculpture and notice that she seems to look lovely today, especially with her blue eyes.

34. If you want to glorify Spanish modernist architecture, perhaps the Barcelona’s Church of the Sagrada Familia would do quite nicely.

Now I’m sure the Spanish wouldn’t be able to do a snow sculpture like this in their country. Still, a very spectacular piece if you know what I mean.

35. Now this polar bear is so adorable for your front lawn.

Now I know that polar bears no not creatures you’d want to cuddle with but this little cub is so huggable I want to take it home and name it Nappy.

36. In this snow sculpture, if there’s something strange in the neighborhood, who ya gonna call?

Now this is a perfect tribute for Ghostbusters, especially with the depiction of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Wonder if Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd have seen this.

37. Nothing brings glory to Mother Russia like a snow sculpture of Moscow’s Saint Basil’s Cathedral.

Ironically, while there’s a lot of snow in Russia, this cathedral replica is at a snow sculpture contest in China. Yet, it’s said that Ivan the Terrible thought Saint Basil’s was so beautiful that he had the architect’s eyes gouged out so he wouldn’t build another one like it.

38. Of course, you can’t have a post on snow sculpture without including a frosty rendition of Leonardo Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa.

Now could anyone say that this is a masterpiece? All I know is that Leonardo probably couldn’t make a Mona Lisa out of snow back in Florence.

39. Now that is one wild hog there.

Hey, you never saw a pig on a motorcycle before? Of course, I’m sure there are some porkers who were born for the open road.

40. Didn’t know a Totem pole can come to life did you?

Of course, I wonder how these two faces ever get along with one another. I mean the totem creatures need to know how to live together in harmony some way.

41. Admire the splendor of this medieval Japanese castle.

Yes, Japan has medieval castles, which were built by the daimyo warlords during their period of upheaval. They may not look like the ones you see in Europe but they’re castles nonetheless.

42. Of course, you can’t have a snow sculpture contest without one of a giant rubber duck.

While we didn’t have the snow sculpture edition in Pittsburgh, we had the rubber duck for the summer. It attracted a million visitors to the city.

43. If you like sea creatures, feast your eyes on this nautilus snow sculpture.

Now what astounds me more about this is how it’s able to stand up and retain its shape. Still, it’s pretty cool if you know what I mean.

44. For those familiar with Pixar animation, here’s a snow sculpture of Nemo.

Of course, if Finding Nemo had been honest about the biology of clown fishes, you may not want to watch it. Seriously, it’s disturbing.

45. Now here’s a snow sculpture of Inuits rescuing their distressed friends on an ice flow.

Now I would’ve called these people “Eskimos” but many of the Indians in the Arctic region think it’s derogatory for some reason. Still, it’s a very amazing sculpture in Quebec.

46. Of course, it’s easier to make a card house from snow than actual playing cards.

Now I’m sure you couldn’t do that in your hometown if you live in Florida. Still, this is pretty amazing if you know what I mean.

47. Of course, you can’t leave Japan from a snow sculpture festival without including Hello Kitty.

I don’t know about you but I need to say that Hello Kitty isn’t actually a cat the same way that Gromit isn’t actually a dog. Still, Hello Kitty is certainly a Japanese icon in her own right though.

48. “Hello, kids, sit on my lap and tell me what you want for Christmas.”

Even in the enchanting world of snow sculpture could you have a Santa Claus that can also haunt your dreams.

49. Let’s just say that some snow sculptures have the power of turning you to the Dark Side of the Force.

Still, you have to like how they used a lightsaber for Darth Vader to hold while he’s standing next to the ornery R2 D2. Seems they have Star Wars depictions for everything.

50. Admire the grandeur of Chinese architecture with this snow sculpture of Beijing’s Temple of Heaven.

Now this Temple of Heaven is from an ice sculpture festival in Sappharo, Japan which is on the island of Hokkaido. Well, it’s not an exact replica but it will do since the one in China has much more crap on it. Still, the Chinese idea of “Heaven” is also very different from the one in the Christian tradition.

51. Of course, you can’t have a snow festival in Asia without including a snow sculpture of the Buddha.

Of course, this is also at the Sappharo Snow Festival in Japan. Not to mention, that tall building is perhaps the once reigning tallest building in the world Taipei 101 from Taiwan. This was probably done for China or the country China considers part of its territory.

52. You’ve heard of the Sphnix, right? Well, here’s a snowy rendition of this you won’t find in Egypt.

Of course, unlike the one in Egypt, this one has yet to lose its nose to erosion. Still, unlike the ones in Greek mythology, Egyptian Sphinxes are undeniably male.

53. Only in the world of snow can you see a giant white ballerina.

Now I think this might be taken from the Tchaikovsky ballet of Swan Lake since she’s dressed with wings in a tutu. Yet, despite its popularity in Russia, ballet is actually more of a French dance. I mean it has French dance terms.

54. Looks like we have a snow Trojan horse if there ever was one.

Note, if your enemy gives you a giant horse like this as an attempt to bury the hatchet, you might want to refuse. I mean, it’s always said to beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

55. Allow me to introduce you to a dog that sings the blues.

Of course, when you tell it to play dead, it tends to sing, “Riding that train, High on cocaine,…..” You get the idea.

56. Now nothing represents Great Britain in a snow sculpture festival than a rendition of London’s Saint Paul’s Cathedral.

Now this 17th century building was designed by Christopher Wren after the Great Fire of London. It has such an important stature in Britain that all London buildings must not obscure people from seeing it.

57. Nothing glorifies the splendor of Malaysia than a snow sculpture rendition of Kuala Lumpur’s Sultan Abdul Samad building.

It was at this building where Malaysia’s first flag waved after it gained its independence from Great Britain. Still, you couldn’t build a snow sculpture like this in Malaysia because it’s quite balmy there.

58. Relive the glory of the Mughal Empire with India’s Tomb of Itmad-ud-Daula.

Of course, while we all know the story of the Taj Mahal, this is also in Agra as well. Yet, this was commissioned by Emperor Shah Jahan’s stepmother and aunt to his wife named Nur Jahan who commissioned this tomb for her father. Let’s say it’s rather complicated if you know what I mean.

59. Of course, you can’t get more patriotic about the United States with a snow sculpture of the Statue of Liberty and Mount Rushmore.

Of course, I did a post on sand sculptures including both these monuments. So including them with the snow sculptures is basically a no brainer.

60. Of course, this snow spiral is just out of this world, if you think about it.

I may not understand snow art or how this one manages to stand and retain shape. Yet, I think it’s pretty spectacular and awesome.

For more: https://www.pinterest.com/yorkiem/snow-sculptures/

Frosty the Snowman and All His Friends

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 7, 2014

Sure winter isn’t really upon us yet and I haven’t see much snow since Thanksgiving. Not only that, but while people in the Southern Hemisphere celebrate Christmas in the summer as well as live in places that don’t snow at all in December. Nevertheless, snowmen are among those presented among the Christmas motifs because well, Santa lives in the North Pole and Christmas is a winter holiday in at least places like Europe, North America, Antarctica, the Arctic, and mountain regions. Now it’s not uncommon during the winter for kids to build a snowman though the snow has to be under certain conditions (such as being there for awhile to stick), especially in places where snowfall is a rarer event. A typical snowman consists of 3 snowballs of different sizes with some additional stuff for facial and body features and accessories like branches for arms, a smiley face, a carrot nose, stones and coal for eyes and buttons as well as things like a hat or a scarf. Most of the time they’re abandoned once completed and after a photo op as well as eventually melt. Of course, in this post, you’ll see a lot of different snowmen. Some may be cute, some may be pop culture inspired, and some may be rather demented. So without further adieu, here are some pictures of the wonderful world of snowmen.

1. Aww, a snowman holding his kid on his shoulders.

Of course, I love how they used a pair of kids’ pants, shoes, and mittens for this. Yet, I’m sure that kid is going to be a real pain in the ass when he’s older.

2. Looks like this snowman wants to end it all.

You know if Crusty is so unhappy with his life, why bother hanging himself on a park bench? I mean, he’ll melt away once spring comes so ending his life is just pointless, really.

3. This snowman is quite the acrobat.

My question on this piece is this: How in the hell did a person manage to make a snowman climbing a tree? It’s insane!

4. Man, sure wouldn’t want to fall how he did.

Of course, if this was a person, he’d be dead. Seriously, the fall would’ve killed him or he’d be injured so badly for the ICU.

5. Seems like this snowman has a drinking problem and is now sleeping on the streets.

Wait a minute, aren’t snowmen supposed to be outdoors anyway? Then again, this guy’s sleeping on a park bench so he probably doesn’t have a yard to stand in.

6. For your afternoon fix, DJ Snow will air songs like, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “Ice, Ice, Baby,” “Let It Snow,” “A Hazy Shade of Winter,” “Walking in the Winter Wonderland,” “Cold As Ice,” “Snowballed,” “Snowblind,” “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” and “A Whiter Shade of Pale.”

Of course, that microphone and ear phones won’t be usable again once winter is over. Still, hope they were in bad shape to begin with.

7. May I introduce you to the NRA Snowman whose guns you can have if you can pry them from his warm dead hands. And, yes, he’s standing his ground.

Musty the Snowman wasn’t really a jollly, happy soul since he’s always been fearful of someone encroaching his property and home invasions. Please don’t put that magical old silk hat on him or he’d begin to shoot around. Hope he wasn’t built near a school.

8. Now this snowman sure is punk.

“You talking to me? Are you talking to me?” Man, this snowman doesn’t seem to happy. Yet, you have to admire how they made his mohawk from tree branches.

9. “Hello, my name’s Olaf and I like warm hugs.”

Of course, you have to have Olaf from Frozen on this post. However, that section where he’s singing about summer is kind of disturbing if you really think of it. I mean he certainly wouldn’t survive that.

10. Now building a snowman is one thing, building a snowman army, well that takes dedication.

Of course, if your neighbor built a snowman army, you wonder how he or she ever had the time. Either that, or questioning their sanity.

11. “Oh, no, it’s the Iceman Cometh. Phyllis, get the hair dryer!”

Note: while The Iceman Cometh is a play by Eugene O’Neill, it’s not about a psychokiller snowman, unfortunately. That’s a joke.

12. Seems like this snowman really likes to do tricks with his head.

Now I know a headless snowman may freak you out but Rocko is a very nice guy once you get to know him. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.

13. This snowman has a habit of leaning next to buildings.

Of course, I hope he doesn’t do any damage to the house once he starts melting. That or if a blizzard comes. Seems like he might fall over. Boy, those kids must’ve had some ambition to build a snowman this tall.

14. Seems like this snowman has enough snow to hit you and then some.

Of course, you don’t want to tell him that he looks like Princess Leia. Because that would be bad. Seriously, you wouldn’t want to do that.

15. Just a friendly snowman riding his bike.

Yet, I have no idea how this guy is wearing a summer camo hat and sunglasses on a cold cloudy day. Then again, he’s a snowman.

16. Seems this snowman has hit rock bottom or has had a few too many.

Remember that friends don’t let friends get their snowmen drunk. Also, giving Dusky a pack of Miller Lite pints wasn’t a good idea.

17. Seems like Snowball here is going on his cycling tour.

Then again, I’m not so sure if Snowball is a snow “man” or whether he or she is going anywhere if you know what I mean. Still, that bike is bound to get rusty.

18. Of course, you can’t do a post on snowmen without including one on Eric Cartman from South Park.

Now this snowman sure captures Cartman in perhaps a way that will make Matt Stone and Trey Parker proud. Still, we have to concede that Cartman is the most annoying character on the show. Oh, why can’t he be killed in every episode instead of Kenny?

19. Snow zombies are rising from their graves for your brains.

Yet, unlike real zombies, at least you can defeat snow zombies with a hair dryer. Seriously, they’re very easy to kill, especially in warmer weather.

20. Looks like that things aren’t all fun and games in Snowmanland.

Man, I didn’t know snowmen bleed when stabbed. I thought they’d just melt away. Still, this display would make the neighbors cringe.

21. Nothing makes a snowman like one in the likeness of a Lego person.

Man, these kids seem to have too much time on their hands. Then again, this might’ve been made by a real artist. Still, possibly the biggest Lego person I’ve ever seen.

22. Jabba the Hutt snowman would like to hire you to bring Han Solo to him dead or alive.

Of course, I always have to have at least one thing on this post relating to Star Wars. Still, I have yet to see a snowman of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

23. Now this snowman would really wish you give him some privacy.

Still, I’m surprised that he’s built on some street, possibly for a contest. Nevertheless, you might want to clear out when he’s done because he might use the newspaper on where the sun don’t shine.

24. This snowman is just going on his relaxing ice fishing trip.

Of course, Andy likes to go ice fishing since he really doesn’t have many fishing options other than that. Still, I’m sure he’s not going to get much fish from a small puddle.

25. Oh, my God, it’s the snowman zombie apocalypse! Run for your lives!

Now I’m sure that it will all be over by spring since these zombie snowmen will have already melted. Still, you might want to get your hair dryer.

26. A can of beer in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other.

Seems like this snowman has a bit of drinking problem. Perhaps he should consider going on a 12 step or AA. Then again, he may not have the time.

27. And you thought a snowman couldn’t do a handstand.

Man, I wonder how this upside down snowman manages to stand up so well. Then again, it has a bigger than average snowman head, which helps so to speak.

28. “Hello, hello, hello, what do we have here?”

Of course, you know these snowmen are from Britain because of the Bobby police hats. Still, you don’t want to go near their nightsticks.

29. Oh, my God! Looks like a snowman just got buried in the snow!

Don’t let this become like the episode of Boardwalk Empire where Gyp Rossetti had a guy buried in the sand up to his head and whacked him with a shovel. Yet, I have a bad feeling it would come to this.

30. “Get out of the snow! There’s a snowshark coming!”

Of course, we all know that sharks don’t swim in the snow nor does anyone else. Still pretty funny and very creative.

31. How would you like to get your mail in this snowman mailbox?

Now I wonder how they manage to make a mail box snowman. I mean don’t mailboxes have stands for most of the year. Still, I wonder what mail carriers think about this.

32. While it’s certainly winter, these snowpeople are lounging around like it’s summer.

Then again, they are snowpeople so it’s not like they’re freezing their asses off. Still, I hope the woman is wearing a swimsuit.

33. Of course, this snowman is in a moment of deep thought and contemplation.

This might not be a snowman of Tim Tebow or it may not. Either way, that pose reminds me of how he used to get in that pose to pray. Nevertheless, that guy was just an annoying self-righteous turd.

34. Nothing makes a great moment as two snowmen sharing a beer on the street.

Seems like these snowman don’t give a shit about anything right now. Still, you have to appreciate how they enjoy each other’s quality time.

35. Now this snowman is just lounging around with a beer while holding a Frisbee.

Well, this guy seems to be really enjoying himself. Still, why do I see a lot of snowmen with beer bottles? I wonder.

36. I give you, the Invasion of the Snowmen.

Man, I wonder if these people realize that the snowman infestation is becoming quite a problem in this town. Then again, there’s always spring.

37. Seems like Frosty is doing a kegstand. And I thought he was a family friendly figure.

I hope this snowman is in a neighborhood where there aren’t a lot of children. I mean few parents would tolerate a kegstand snowman.

38. Seems like some snowmen are really into voodoo magic.

I don’t know about you but I have to admit I do find the stirring of shrunken snowman heads quite funny for some reason. Still, hope no snowman sacrifice was involved.

39. Just my luck, a snowman crime scene.

Seemed like someone didn’t care much for Frosty the snowman so they whacked him over the head with the shovel and decapitated him.

40. These snowmen are on the deck engaged in a poker game for money.

Let’s hope that none of these guys develop a gambling addiction which is very destructive. Still, seems they enjoy beer and potato chips.

41. This snowman really delights in surfing the net.

Let’s hope the keyboard and monitor are the only computer components used in this. Still, pretty clever.

42. Oh, my God, they put a snow kid in a cage!

Now this is either hilarious, demented, or both. Still, I have to feel bad for the little snow kid in the cage and its parent in a state of distress.

43. This R2 D2 snowman will service your every needs.

While R2 D2 only speaks in beeps in the Star Wars Saga, you can always understand this onery little droid that has quite the personality.

While R2 D2 only speaks in beeps in the Star Wars Saga, you can always understand this ornery little droid that has quite the fiery personality.

44. “Stop right there, your money or your life.”

Never underestimate the power of a mugger snowman armed with a hair dryer. For snowmen, these grooming appliances are deadly.

Never underestimate the power of a mugger snowman armed with a hair dryer. For snowmen, these grooming appliances are absolutely deadly.

45. Seems like this snowman is ready for a hike or scaling a building.

If he wants to scale a building, he better be careful. Else, he might end up like the snowman I showed earlier. You know, the one with the backpack.

46. This snowman really has an elaborate hairstyle if you know what I mean.

Of course, if I were him, I’d consider going to a hair salon to get haircut. Oh, wait, I’d have him go to the pruner’s if he has an office.

47. Seems like Olympia Snowe really delights in the attention.

By “Olympia Snowe” I mean this snowman which is said to be the largest in the world. However, I can’t help but think that there’s something “phallic” about it though.

48. “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you snow man and snow wife.”

Now I suppose this snow couple would be best suited for a winter wedding. Yet, I bet that bridal veil isn’t cheap if you know what I mean. Still, they’ll be together till melt do they part.

49. Seems like these snow children are having fun frolicking in a winter wonderland.

Someone must’ve had too much time on their hands for this one. Still, it’s pretty clever if you know what I mean.

50. Oh, my God, it’s the Staypuft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

Now this is just so great. Yet, I think this one looks too much like the Michelin Tire Man and his head is a little too small.

51. When snowmen bowl, heads will roll, literally.

Still, I wonder how these snowmen take aim of when trying to knock down some pins. I mean you have to know where to hit the pins before you roll your head.

52. This snowman is pumping himself up, one set of barbells at a time.

Of course, he wants to start small for a time and then move up a few weights. Still, hope he doesn’t become a lunk.

53. Seems like Spongebob Squarepants likes the winter weather.

Now I’m not sure that it looks anywhere near like Spongebob if you know what I mean. Then again, I didn’t have cable as a child and didn’t watch the show.

54. This snowman is just making a rather important call.

What astounds me most about this display is how the person building this snowman managed to find a phone booth.

55. Now this snowman display seems like a take off of Gulliver’s Travels.

I suppose this snowman feels trapped under the ropes of the smaller ones who tied him up. Still, pretty clever.

56. Now this snowman really has a penchant for playing the accordion.

Of course, the accordion is almost lifelike and the snowman is sure happy. Still, I don’t why it doesn’t have a pair of eyes or a nose.

57. Looks like a snowman has been a victim of a hit and run.

Now to the shock of the snowman, it seems that this car’s owner is really not going to be happy when they find a snowman on their car.

58. This snowman seems to be quite the wall scaler.

This is said to be a snowman rendition of Spiderman. Yet, I don’t know if I can be sure of that. Still, how did they make a snowman like that?

59. “Aaaah! A snowman just fell on my car!”

How would you like to get up in the morning and find something like that on your windshield? I’m sure I wouldn’t.

60. I’m sure this is called, “Orcus on His Porcelain Throne.”

Now I’m sure this guy is thinking deep thoughts as he’s on the pot. Of course, I wonder what he’s going to do when he’s done.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen on These Christmas Treats

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 5, 2014

So far I’ve basically made fun of Christmas with horrible vintage ads, inflatables designers didn’t think through, sketchy Santas, and elves on the shelf doing very naughty things. However, this post be a hiatus from all the kitsch I featured so far for this treat article since I did a couple similar ones with Thanksgiving and Halloween (latter out of my mom’s suggestion and former just out of simply plain boredom that I couldn’t do much else). Still, as you know, like Thanksgiving, Christmas is a very big holiday for food, especially when it comes to candy and desserts. So much so that in fact, a lot of New Year’s resolutions are devoted to losing weight and January advertising features a lot of fitness stuff. Still, a lot Christmas dinner scenes are just loaded with food of almost every type imaginable that starting a diet on this time of year is impossible often brought by relatives charged with bringing something. Yet, sometimes it’s hard for people to bring a Christmas dish especially if their item wasn’t specified (though it usually is). However, we do have many items featured on the Christmas table like figgy pudding, candy canes, gingerbread cookies, and eggnog. Nevertheless, for those who want to be creative, here are plenty of dishes you may find to your liking whether it be for appetizers, salads, or desserts. So without further adieu, here are some great treats for those who want to put the festive spirit in this Christmas season.

1. For a great stocking stuffer, I’m sure a candy cane Rudolph would suit your fancy.

I’m sure reindeer don’t have red and white striped antlers. But still, very easy to make and I’m sure the kids will love it.

2. For your veggie platter why don’t go with broccoli Christmas tree decorated with peppers and cherry tomatoes?

Now I’m sure if you also include celery and carrots, I don’t think this design will work out for you. Still, very easy to make since it only requires 3 ingredients.

3. Start Christmas morning out with a Christmas tree made out of sticky buns.

I know that cinnamon rolls aren’t that good for you but what the hell, give yourself a break for the holidays. Hey, I’ll take one.

4. Instead of making conventional Christmas cookies, perhaps consider making cookies of ugly sweaters.

This goes particularly well if you have to go to an ugly sweater party. Still, I wonder who sells sweater cookie cutters?

5. For dessert, take a bite out of these Christmas tree cupcakes.

Don't worry, health nuts, those Christmas trees are actually strawberrys covered with a lot of icing. So these aren't totally bad for you.

Don’t worry, health nuts, those Christmas trees are actually strawberries covered with a lot of icing. So these aren’t totally bad for you.

6. Take a bite out of this Christmas cornflake wreath.

Okay, so maybe cornflakes don’t do well against green dye. Yet, they do bring a leafy feel to it. Yet, I can’t say whether this one is actually good for you or not.

7. Get in the festive Christmas spirit with these ornament cake balls.

Now the most complicated thing about this is making the cake batter and balls. You can just add the Reese cups and Twizzlers later.

8. For lunch, perhaps a Christmas wreath candle cheese pizza is one that Wallace and Gromit would love.

Boy, this pizza uses a lot of cheese. Yet, I wouldn’t recommend this for the lactose intolerant or those with high cholesterol.

9. With pretzels, white chocolate, and Twizzlers, you can make your own Christmas wreath snacks.

Seems like white chocolate and Twizzlers can hold almost anything together. However, I wouldn’t recommend pretzel wreaths as a stuffing stuffer. They may be too delicate.

10. Bring a little cuteness into your life with these penguin Oreos.

Maybe penguins have nothing to do with Christmas, but hey, I'll eat one of these. Also, who can't resist penguins?

Maybe penguins have nothing to do with Christmas, but hey, I’ll eat one of these. Also, who can’t resist these cute little penguins?

11. For a healthy snack for the kids, I’m sure these bread creations of Frosty, Santa, and Rudolph.

Of course, while Santa and Rudolph’s noses are from cherry tomatoes, Frosty’s eyes and mouth are made from blueberries and his body is made from strawberries. Santa might also have a strawberry hat while Rudolph has kielbasa antlers.

12. For lunch, you might want to grab some of this Christmas tree veggie pizza.

This is made from either bread or pizza dough spread over with cream cheese as well as topped with carrots, cherry tomatoes, yellow peppers, and broccoli. Still, it’s a healthier option than the cheese candle wreath one. Yet, won’t satisfy vegans.

13. Fruit lovers would love this candy cane made from strawberries and bananas.

Of course, if you want the peppermint freshness of the candy cane, this treat isn’t for you.

14. For the meat lover, here’s a wreath of mini sausage wraps.

Of course, this isn’t one of the more healthier wreaths here. But at least it brings in the festive spirit of Christmas.

15. For winter fun, consider making Christmas cookies of ice skates with mini candy canes on them.

Hey, I’m still going to post cookies on here. Yet, you have to appreciate the creative aptitude on this person’s part. Who knew candy cans can be used for ice skates?

16. Broccoli and cherry tomatoes are all this Christmas wreath veggie platter needs.

While this is the best food Christmas wreath by far, this doesn’t exhibit a lot of vegetable variety. Also, the center lacks dip.

17. Grace your Christmas party appetizers with this Christmas tree cheese platter.

Of course, this platter shows about 4 kinds of cheese and cherry tomatoes. Still, has a lot of color to it if you know what I mean.

18. Get in the festive spirit with this giant candy cane cake.

If you love Christmas like I do and have a taste in fresh baked Danishes, than this cake is for you. Seriously, it looks like a giant candy cane sticky bun.

19. Nothing makes a better dessert for Christmas than this wreath of chocolate fudge.

If this dish was featured at my family’s Christmas celebration, I would have a very hard time controlling how much I got. Boy, talk about death by chocolate, indeed.

20. Wow your Christmas dessert table with this jelly bean covered cupcake Christmas wreath.

I’m no fan of jelly beans but I have to admit, they do make good edible food decorations. But their taste is another matter.

21. Bring the joys of winter into your life with these flower covered snowmen.

Of course, these snowmen almost look real except that they’re made from dough. Yet, I’m sure you can’t really eat the arms though or else have your cheeks pierced.

22. Now these Santa crackers sure make a great snack idea.

Now I’m sure these are from Ritz crackers that contain cream cheese from a tube, celery, black olive bits, and pepperoni. Still, they are quite cute if you know what I mean.

23. Of course, you can’t forget these potato made Christmas trees.

Sure they may not be green but they sure do resemble Christmas trees. Besides, I’ll have a few of these.

24. For healthy snacks, I’m sure such cream cheese covered bread is the thing for you.

Now these are topped with long green onions and red bell peppers. Then again, I really don’t know what those green things are anyway for they could be a lot of things.

25. Make your kids’ Christmas special with these olive and cheese penguins with cherry tomato hats.

Now these are simply adorable despite that penguins actually live in the Southern Hemisphere (not just Antarctica). Still, nobody could resist these cuties.

26. As a party dessert, I’m sure these Santa hat pretzels will do quite nicely.

Now these are so cute and seem so easy to make. Man, the wonders you can make with pretzels. Also, love how they use mini marshmallows as the pom pom on the end.

27. As snowman melt with rising temperatures, these melting snowmen cookies will melt in your mouth.

Have to hand it to the person who thought of this. I mean I’ve never seemed these kind of cookies before. Yet, I don’t understand while some of them are smiling despite melting their way out of existence.

28. Grace your appetizer table with this Frosty the Snowman cheese ball or balls.

Seems like you can also do a lot with cream cheese as well over the holidays. Still, I’m sure he’ll have a lot of Ritz crackers dipped into him by the end of the night.

29. If you don’t like the ornament cupcakes, may I suggest ornament popcorn balls with candy cane hooks?

Now I also like how Christmas M&M’s are used to decorate these as well. Yet, I’m sure chocolate haters won’t like these either.

30. Deck the halls with these Christmas tree brownies.

Now these make a wonderful edition to any Christmas dessert platter. Still, no two of these brownies are alike if you know what I mean. Also, I would have a hard time resisting these treats as well.

31. Nothing makes a great lunch than this Christmas tree pizza.

Of course, this person forgot to use pesto as a sauce. Then again, there’s a specific process to making pesto. Yet, still very ornate.

32. I’m sure these Rice Krispie wreaths will bring joy to any child on Christmas.

You won’t believe how many stuff I’ve seen made from marshmallows and Rice Krispies. These are among the very best, especially since they’re dye green.

33. With some Twizzlers and frosting decoration, you can adorn this lovely large candy cane Rice Krispie treat.

Of course, this treat is one of these you may have to cut for the kids. Yet, it's a great marvel of Rice Krispy ingenuity.

Of course, this treat is one of these you may have to cut for the kids. Yet, it’s a great marvel of Rice Krispie ingenuity.

34. For those who like veggies, try these pepper and cucumber wreaths.

Now these are very adorable. However, I’m not sure if vegans would love them. Still, I’m sure they’re relatively easy to make.

35. I’m sure kids will delight in these cute Christmas cupcakes.

The cupcake with Santa being stuck in the chimney is especially hilarious. Still, why does the cake ball in the middle have eyes? Seriously, why?

36. What better holiday treat for adults than snowmen made of hardboiled eggs?

Now I’m sure the eyes and buttons are made from peppercorns. Still, these are adorable though your kids may not like them.

37. This peanut butter reindeer sandwich will make a great lunch for the kids.

Cute to add the pretzel antlers, the raisin eyes, and the red cherry tomato nose. Still, the kids would love this.

38. Now sandwiches are easy to serve this Christmas with this sandwich wreath.

Now this wreath can use some more parsley. Actually a lot more parsley. Yet, you need to see the sandwiches which I think are basically made from melted cheese and whole wheat bread.

39. With marshmallows, chocolate, and thin mints (it seems) these little snowman hats would sure delight.

These are simply adorable. Now if only if they had actual snowmen to wear them. Then again, how do we make them?

40. Nothing graces the Christmas table than a yule log cake.

This cake is from a restaurant. Still, seems like Santa is making his rounds in California’s Redwood Forest. Still, what’s with the Christmas tree?

41. This fruitcake brownie is sure better than the real thing.

Of course, gum drops may not be the best but at least the brownie part is tasty. After all, who doesn’t love brownies?

42. We’ve all heard of gingerbread men and ginger bread houses. So why not a gingerbread Christmas tree?

Sure it takes a whole plate and has a bunch of cookies stacked together. But hey, it has to be good. I also love the frosting.

43. Surely, I hope that some kids take to these Rudolph cake pops.

Sure they may not be the healthiest treats, but they’re still pretty cute if you know what I mean. Still, these use straws.

44. While we have fruit and Rice Krispy candy canes, we also have pizza ones, too.

I like how the white parts are covered with cheese and how the red part has tomato sauce. Still, I’m sure you can only have the cheese version and they’re whole wheat, too.

45. Have hotdogs? Then make these hotdog stockings on a stick.

Now these are probably made from mini hotdogs. I’m sure regular ones would be cut in smaller sections.

46. I introduce you to Frosty the Snowman cheese pizza.

Now this is perhaps the only snowman to be exposed to over 100 degrees and still survive. Still, must be tasty.

47. Melt a girl’s heart with these lovely heart shaped candy cane treats.

Because one of the best ways through a girl’s heart is through cooking and chocolate. This especially goes for chocolate. Remember that, fellas.

48. Have a frosty Christmas with this snowman ice cream treat.

Like snowmen, these treats also need to be refrigerated. Yet, I also hear they taste delicious. Nevertheless, so cute with those chocolate chip eyes.

49. Grace your dessert platter with this cookie wreath.

And I see that these cookies are holly leaves covered with green frosting. Man, I have a lot of wreaths on this post.

50. Deck the halls with these Rice Krispie treat lights.

Now these Rice Krispy Christmas lights are strung by Twizzlers. Man, Twizzlers is used in a lot of things here.

51. Make your Christmas simply heaven with this Christmas tree made from Rocky Road ice cream.

I’m sure this tree doesn’t just consist of one serving size if it’s as big as I think it is. Yet, sure looks good.

52. If you want your penguins with a soft and gooey marshmallow center, this is the treat for you.

Of course, this is a nice creative Christmas treat that your kids would certainly love. Also, it’s very adorable in chocolate and Oreo cream.

53. Make this Christmas a healthy one with this wreath veggie pizza.

Now this pizza makes a very colorful wreath I’m sure your family will love, once they get past the veggies that is. Oh, and it actually has pesto on it.

54. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a Christmas tree of spiced buns you can dip in tomato sauce.

Now I’m sure these buns taste really good. If I came across them, then I don’t know if I could resist overindulging myself. Unless these were made by The Olive Garden that is.

55. Serve your kids a healthy Christmas lunch with this Rudolph Sandwich.

Now this is quite clever with the strawberry nose, the pretzel ears, and the pea pod evergreen tree. Yet, I don’t think kids should take this kind of lunch to school. Might ruin the effect.

56. For party favors, I’m sure you can’t do anything wrong with these Santa and Christmas tree pretzel sticks.

Now I don’t know about you but doesn’t Santa seem a bit skinny on a pretzel stick. Then again, to each his own.

57. Don’t have Santa cookie cutters? Maybe you should improvise with a heart shape instead.

Maybe a bit of an unconventional choice but seems to work as long as you have the hearts face backwards. Also, quite adorable.

58. Make your Christmas ugly sweater party memorable with this ugly sweater cake.

Now this is a particularly amusing cake with the wreath, ugly sweater, and lights in all. Still, really goes well with the ugly sweater cookies.

59. I’m sure everyone would think these polar bear treats as adorable.

You especially have to like their little fruit roll up scarves. Still, even if real polar bears are slowly becoming casualties of global warming (it’s real, it’s caused by humans, and it’s happening now as we speak) and that they resemble koalas, they’re still irresistibly adorable.

60. Nothing graces your table set like these gingerbread Christmas trees.

Now I wonder if these trees were meant to eat or are just used for decoration. Either way, they seem delicious.

61. Reindeer cheese treats sure make healthy snacks for kids.

They also make great snacks for adults since cheese tends to go very well with wine and olives. Yet, beer goes better with pretzels, especially in October.

62. Nothing says Christmas like these adorable sugar coated snowmen on a stick.

Of course, while sugar gives these snowman sparkles, this doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good for you. And those dots may be stickers.

63. For health conscious folks, I give you these fruity Santa poppers.

Like the fruit candy canes, these poppers are also made of strawberries and bananas. Yet, unlike the fruit candy canes, they also have marshmallows.

64. These Christmas cupcakes are just simply adorable.

Of course, we have a lovely one of Santa and one of the gingerbread man. Also, the holly one really goes well.

65. A Christmas tree made out of sushi? Now I’ve seen everything.

Of course, this tree is for Japanese people with more traditional or health conscious diets. Seriously, they celebrate Christmas in Japan with KFC which is, well, basically heart disease on a plate.

66. Get into the spirit of Christmas with these Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer donuts.

Of course, these reindeer donuts would really make great Christmas gifts for your friendly neighborhood police officer.

67. Now Santa really seems to be stuck in the chimney with this cake.

Seems that Santa should’ve went on a diet before he decided to go down the chimney. Do you know what they used to put up in chimneys in the early 1800s? Naked school aged orphan boys.

68. Nothing encapsulates Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas, than this large cake.

Of course, this is the scene when the Grinch tries to dump the stuff at Mount Crumpitt and suddenly sees the Whos down in Whoville all singing on Christmas Day.

69. Make your own reindeer antlers from M&Ms, chocolate, and pretzel sticks.

This is perhaps the only picture in which all the ingredients are show. Still, quite easy to make, once you heat up the Dove chocolate.

70. Nothing says Merry Christmas than these Rice Krispy gingerbread candy houses.

They’re just like regular gingerbread houses with the exception of being made from Rice Krispies, not gingerbread. Still, really adorable if you know what I mean.

71. Tis the season for these Christmas tree cake poppers.

Now these may be made from cake but they certainly look a lot like little Christmas trees. But I bet they taste pretty good.

72. Nothing celebrates the season with these iced snowman cookie poppers.

How likely is it that those cookies under the icing are all Oreos? The answer is obvious. Still, they actually have snowman faces.

73. These Santa hat cake poppers certainly fit well in a box together.

I’ve seen a lot of these on the Internet. Still, much easier than Christmas tree poppers and much more popular, too.

74. I’m sure that your kids will fall in love with these reindeer poppers, especially Rudolph.

Odd, seems like these pops appear to be made for Santa’s sleigh team. Yet, I guess Rudolph is certainly the obvious one as well as the one the kids want the most. Seriously, kids are suckers for Rudolph since he has his own cartoon.

75. You’ve heard of Christmas trees and Christmas cookies. So how about a Christmas cookie tree?

I’m sure that this will be the centerpiece of the dessert platter. And I also love how the cookies are have green sugar and icing on them.

76. Celebrate the Christmas season with this cupcake Christmas tree.

I see a lot of people with green lips from all the green icing once everyone is done eating from it. Still, I totally love it though I wish the cupcakes were chocolate though.

77. For your Christmas party appetizers, I’m sure a cheese ball of a snowman wearing a wreath is for you.

I don’t know about you, but this snowman seems to remind me of a Roman emperor. Maybe it’s the wreath.

78. Remember, for Christmas, you can use cookie cutters for your pizza dough.

Now these are Christmas mini pizzas with peppers and tomato. However, I wish I had one with pepperoni. Don’t care what shape it’s in.

79. For Christmas party favors, you can’t go wrong with a chocolate Rudolph.

Just make sure that none of your child guests has a peanut allergy because this treat is made from Reese’s cups.

80. Nothing celebrates the season like these Christmas wreath pops.

I don’t know about you but I think these wreaths aren’t made from cake. Rather I think they’re made from small donuts, if they came as that tiny.

NSFW Elf on the Shelf (a. k. a. the Post I Ruin a Stupid Christmas Tradition)

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 4, 2014

A popular holiday tradition that has caught on in recent years is the Elf on the Shelf which is based on a 2005 children’s book written and published by mother and daughter Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell. The book tells of a story of how Santa Claus knows which kids are naughty or nice by sending elves to spy on children between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, after which they return to the North Pole until the next holiday season. Each of these hardbound picture books come with a small soft toy in the form of a pixie scout elf so parents around the world can make this their own holiday tradition, just to make sure their kid belongs on Santa’s “nice” list. Now there are certain rules that parents and children must follow during the elf’s stay inside the home. First, it must maintain a distance and provide a watchful eye for Santa. Second, it must never move or speak while the residents are at home and awake, but can “move” from place to place when no one is around. Third, children must never touch the elf or it will lose its magic. Yeah, I know it’s stupid but what do you know? Still, while it does attract a lot of criticism from parenting experts and sometimes parents, the fact that the Internet is filled with pictures of the family’s elf getting into all kinds of hilarious mischief which got me thinking about doing a post where the Elf on the Shelf does things that would put it on the “naughty” list. Sure you’d like to think that these elves are reporting things about the kids to Santa in the evenings but you can’t really be so certain. So I ask you parents to spy on the Elf on the Shelf and use your camera and the Internet to report whenever the elf is doing something naughty. And I don’t mean the little harmless hijinks like making snow angels in flower. No, I mean stuff that could get a popular children’s show host suffer a fast and hard fall from grace like Pee Wee Herman did (like masturbating while watching a porno in a theater). So if you see your terrifying Elf on the Shelf doing any of these terrible at least PG-13 rated things, please remember to take a picture, show it on the Internet, and call this hotline number to report it via 1-800-555-BAD-ELF1. So without further adieu, here’s a great treasury of Elves on the Shelf gone horribly, wildly, and inappropriately bad. Warning: most of these images aren’t for kids and may be unsafe for work.

1. Seems like Crumpet is enjoying his stay bathing with the resident Barbie dolls.

Of course, he only gets a few weeks a year to bang these Barbie bitches so Crumpet just wants to make the most of it.

2. Crinkles seems to have gone gangsta.’

Crinkles didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose him. Still, he seems decked in aluminum bling with a cup and a grill to match with the watch around his neck.

3. Mom and Dad should’ve known not to play cards for cash with Sugar Bear. Else, he’ll make them bet their car keys.

It’s very unlikely that Mom’s new Hyundai Elantra and Dad’s Toyota Truck will never be seen again after this Christmas Eve. Still, I kind of suspect that Sugar Bear might be cheating or counting cards.

4. Things are about to get frisky between Dangles and Barbie in her pink Malibu SUV she always lets him drive.

Looks like Dangles is going to get in deep trouble once Ken finds out that he’s screwing his girlfriend. Still, at least he wasn’t with GI Joe’s main squeeze. Now that’s a doll you don’t want to mess with.

5. For Kringles, Monday night is Hustler night. It’s just a question what he’s in the mood for.

Let’s hope that Johnny’s parents don’t catch Kringles masturbating in the middle of the night. He’ll never be an Elf on the Shelf next year if he’s caught doing a Pee Wee Herman, again.

6. “Okay, Pattykins, chug that Budlight on the count of three. One, two, three, chug!”

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls' bikini party.

Seems like Pattykins will be totally wasted the next morning after a night of drinking at the Barbie Dolls’ all night bikini party.

7. Looks like Sourball has spent all the DeLazzaros’ money on Powerball tickets.Too bad he hasn’t won yet.

Still, little did Sourball take in mind is that you have less of a chance winning the lottery than being hit by a meteor. I’d also say that winning odds are similar with the Powerball as well.

8. For dinner, Shrimpy is planning on serving oven baked Smurfs tonight.

Of course, for his oven baked Smurfs entree in the toaster oven, Shrimpy will be assisted by traitorous Smurf Chef, “Cannibal.”

9. “You came in like a wrecking ball….”

I’m sure this rendition of the popular Miley Cyrus music video as well as hit song will not sit well with Santa at the North Pole at all.

10. Here’s Dingleberry pictured playing his favorite video game, Grand Theft Auto IV.

I don’t know about you but shouldn’t anyone be concerned whenever there’s an Elf on the Shelf who enjoys graphically violent and possibly pornographic video games? Seriously, think of the children here.

11. “Do you want to slay a snowman? I’m sure it’s fun to do.”

Missy’s latest homicidal rampage on snowmen might be the last straw for Santa if he receives word of it at the North Pole. Yes, this girl’s very vicious with a gun and a sword.

12. It’s time for you to die, Dinkystinks, and fall victim to my dark passenger.

Looks like Dexter won’t show any mercy to even serial killing Elves on the Shelf. This is especially true if he’s known to kill three Barbie doll hookers, Dora the Explorer, and Cinderella. Yes, this is one sick elf.

13. Seems like Gingy joined up with Justin Timberlake so they could present their lady friends with a “dick in a box.”

Men, I know this comes from an SNL sketch and sometimes don’t put a lot of thought of getting gifts for your girlfriends. However, understand giving her your “dick in a box” is a very, very bad idea. You might want to stick to giving her something like jewelry this Christmas instead.

14. Straight from the North Pole, we have Holly the Shelf Elf do her legendary yuletide pole dancing routine.

Well, Holly needs to supplement her income somehow. She can’t live on the meager Elf on the Shelf salary she’s been receiving and her male co-workers are paid in so much more.

15. Just a few days more for Elsie and she’ll be off to the North Pole.

Yet, I’m not sure if Elsie’s idea of relaxation method of lounging in a denim skirt and sandals while drinking Jim Beam will go well with Santa at the North Pole.

16. Looks like Dobbie peed his own name on the little Christmas village.

Just between you and me, I’m sure the Dobby in Harry Potter is much cuter than this creepy elf. At least that Dobby didn’t urinate anywhere in his masters’ house as far as I know.

17. Flickers thinks you might need some fire in your eyes.

I bet you Mrs. Fluglesburg is going to be pissed when she tries to put in her contacts in the morning. Naughty, Flickers!

18. Looks like Captain James T. Kirk isn’t the only guy partial to green girls.

And I see that Pringles has enough money to burn for Frankenstein’s daughter’s pole dancing routine. Shouldn’t an Elf on the Shelf keep away from such joints?

19. Seems like Snowball really likes to play with the family leg lamp.

Of course, I hope Snowball’s fascination with what is better suited for a titty bar doesn’t amount to anything inappropriate. Or did I say that too soon?

20. Seriously, you don’t want to know what he’s doing with that toothbrush.

Oh, my God, that’s really sick. Now I guess their toothbrushes are all covered in elf shit, this family might need to go to Wal Mart or Big Lots.

21. Oh, dear, looks like Noggy just upskirted an angel.

Now Noggy isn’t just in trouble with Santa and the North Pole, he’ll also have to deal with the wrath of God on top of that. Really, God really doesn’t take sexual harassment toward angels very lightly. And that angel will report him.

22. Seems like Hingle is trying to tell us something.

So when Hingle is talking about crabs, is he referring to those stuffed crabs or? Oh, my God, he didn’t did he? Jesus Christ! Well, at least he’s honest.

23. Man, seems like Thistlewhite is making some kind of blue candy. Oh, wait a minute!

Oh, my God, don’t tell me that Thistlewhite has started his own crystal meth business! Seriously, we may need to report him for this before there’s a meth problem among the toys.

24. Seems like Honey Bear has gotten in trouble with the Abominable Snowman and is being barbecued.

Seems like there will be one less Elf on the Shelf returning to the North Pole this Christmas Eve. Of course, the Abominable Snowman can’t wait to eat some delicious elf ribs.

25. Oh, no, seems like Glitter Bug has a paint huffing problem. Dear Lord!

Looks like we need to report this to Santa Claus. Also, that paint huffing can’t be good for Glitter Bug’s magic.

26. Oh, no, looks like Plinker has been sentenced to firing squad.

Either Plinker did something really bad or the Overly house is a repressive dystopian toy dictatorship. Man, wouldn’t want to go there.

27. Of course, if reindeer games amounted to stuff like this, maybe Rudolph was lucky.

Well, I know this reindeer is just a figurine, but I can’t help suspecting this elf for bestiality. Still, Santa won’t be happy about this.

28. Looks like Clinker is having a really wild life with a ballerina doll as far as I can see.

Still, let’s hope that this was consensual and neither regret it in the morning. Still, they’re drinking very strong stuff and will probably have massive hangovers when they wake up.

29. Looks like Blinker was arrested in a domestic dispute with Barbie. Luckily the action figure police was there.

Let’s hope that he didn’t do anything to Barbie and that Ken doesn’t find out. Man, Blinker must be one very bad elf.

30. “Shut up, and give me all you got before I stab you!”

Did Tingles just rob a gas station convenience store? Let’s just say he’s not coming back to the Fosters’ house after this year.

31. “Quick, give him some oxygen, we’re losing him, I tell you!”

Man, seems like spending all night at raves really caught up to Charlie. Man, I love how Mrs. Tyler used her old breast pump as an oxygen mask.

32. At least he found a toilet to puke in.

This all night drinking and partying doesn’t seem to get Flinker on Santa’s “nice” list. In fact, he may not return from the North Pole after this.

33. “I’m sure Frosty won’t suffer…..much.” (giggles)

Looks like Glingle might be exhibiting signs of being a possible psychopath or sociopath. Nevertheless, Glingle is evil.

34. Welcome to the annual Reindeer Games. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Of course, I’m sure Team Shelf Elf will kill a lot of the other North Pole Tributes with Katniskle’s bow and candy canes.

35. Looks like Mickey is going to be in for a surprise when he comes home to Minnie. Let’s just say, I’d hate to see Iggie be punched by a Disney mouse.

Man, Minnie you’re a very bad girl. Then again, I’m sure Mickey wouldn’t be very good in bed. I mean his voice must be a major turn off. Still, it would be really funny to see an angry Mickey beat up the elf bedding Minnie.

36. Sleigh Bell always wants to lend a helping hand and sees nothing wrong with joining Tony Montana in their joint drug empire.

For those who’ve seen either the Brian DePalma or the 1933 version of Scarface, all of you should know that it won’t end well for Tony Montana and Sleigh Bell.

37. Of course, since Chrissy won’t do it with him Mingles will have to take drastic action.

Oh, my God, is he sneaking a roofie in her drink? Seriously, Mingles is lucky that he’s not at the North Pole right now or Santa would have his ass.

38. Binky and Barbie were snorting cocaine and oh, my God, what the hell’s going on with Barbie?

Still, I’m really not sure if Binky is capable of showing any remorse for what’s befallen Barbie. Hey, Binky, you’re at a kid’s house, not Wall Street!

39. “Stop! You’re money or your life!”

Either this elf on the shelf is an Old West bandit or some 18th century highwayman. Either way, you wouldn’t want to mess with him.

40. Pinky really seems to enjoy surfing online.

Unfortunately, Pinky seems on his way into developing an addiction to porn and violent video games. He needs serious therapy.

41. Looks like Jingles is stealing from Mr. Johnson’s wallet. I hope he’s not going to use the money for something naughty.

Oh, dear, now he has the Johnsons’ cash and American Express card. Boy, the Johnsons are sure going to receive a large credit card bill once Jingles is done using it. Seems like Jingles is becoming a very expensive house guest.

42. Seems like Cup Cup’s drinking problem led to his North Pole termination.

Now Cup Cup is basically living on the streets sleeping under newspapers, warming himself to makeshift fires, and chugging down his Absolut Vodka.

43. During the holiday season at the McClanahan house, the toys all assemble for their very own Fight Club. Beginners usually have to face the elf first.

And looks like Grimble is literally kicking Ken’s ass. Still, how the hell is he going to fight Thomas the Tank Engine?

44. Oh, my God, Nimble seems to have gotten hold of Mr. McGilicuddy’s gun. Hope it’s not loaded.

Okay, seems that Nimble has gone insane so before anyone gets hurt, now’s the time to report him to Santa. Please do it now.

45. Seems like the toys have been acting differently since Timmy arrived to the Lindauer’s home.

Of course, Timmy seems to be getting really rich off the toys money who seem to show up very high. Hope this picture is from Colorado since pot is totally legal there. I’m not sure if Santa will approve though.

46. Of course, Numby always loves to help his family decorate for Christmas.

However, I’m not sure decorating the dog with Christmas lights is what the Griswolds have in mind. Also, it seems like Jake might be in fear of getting electrocuted. Yet, I’m not sure if he could sit still.

47. “$20 for Valium? What a bargain!”

Okay, I think Hanky may have a drug problem. Seriously, this was taken at some drug dealer’s house. Please report him to Santa.

48. “Okay, ladies, now I want you to make out under the mistletoe. And I want you girls to get down and dirty.”

While Freddy wasn’t spying on the Parkers’ kids during the holiday season, he had a side career as an amateur pornographer. And he also cast Maisie’s Barbie dolls as actresses.

49. Seems like Heimel won’t be going back to the Bradfords this year. I wonder what caused Santa to fire him.

Now Heimel spends his days drinking pop, eating junk food, and watching daytime TV while wrapped in his Snuggie. Poor thing.

50. Looks like Ken has been very, very naughty to meet his end through the clutches of Buddy.

Oh, my God, did Ken really brutally murder all those women? Boy, at least he won’t be able to kill Barbie. I didn’t know he was a sick bastard.

51. Oh, dear, seems like Twinkle Toes likes to steal money from children.

I’m sure he took much more than just a nickel from Johnny’s first piggy bank. And I thought elves were supposed to be nice to children.

52. “All right, Prince, if you want to see Snow White again, bring me $100,000 ransom. If you don’t meet my demands, she’s history.”

Little did this little elf know that Snow White also lives with seven little men who would be just as pissed. Yet, at least he enlisted the cooperation of Star Wars lego minifigs.

53. Seems like Flicker is planning a big party with the toys while the Polaskys are out Christmas shopping.

Okay, but I’d be very concerned about Flicker hauling a box filled with Red Stripe and a big bottle of bourbon. Yeah, the house is going to be a mess.

54. Oh, my God, what did Ringly do with Barbie and Ken?

Looks, like he caught Barbie and Ken together and he shot them dead. Either that, or he’s just one sick evil bastard elf who should be reported to Santa.

55. Seems like Glitter Bell has done something naughty enough to get a mugshot.

Oh, dear, things aren’t looking good for Glitter Bell aren’t they? Wonder what she did to get herself in trouble like this.

56. “Here’s your change for that pack of Marlboros, so thank you and good night.”

This isn’t going to sit well with Santa at all. Then again, Santa is said to smoke a pipe. Still, Yule is being very, very, naughty.

57. Sorry, Walter White, but Dinky is the one who knocks.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn't hear about this.

And he seems to run a racket on dealing artificial sweetner, which is now a nationwide epidemic. Hope Santa doesn’t hear about this.

58. Looks like Jerry loves to collect things.

Unfortunately, Jerry seems to becoming quite the hoarder. You should see his place at the North Pole.

59. Seems like Soapy has finally found the Bumgarners’ liquor and medicine cabinets.

So that’s why the pain meds and wild turkey have been disappearing all of a sudden. Still, I think he may have a problem.

60. “I have your wallet now.”

Thanks to Bartilkins, Barry Madison hasn’t been able to drive or buy anything again, which is quite a shame really. He has a lot of debt from his credit cards already.

61. On second thought, maybe it was a bad idea for the Bateses to name their elf Norman.

Looks like Norman has a habit of using kitchen knives near the bath tub And since then, the family doesn’t even want to step foot in the bath tub again or take a shower.

62. Seems like Bimble is in the mood for red rum as he writes on the wall.

Oh, wait a minute, I just forgot that “Red Rum” is murder spelled backwards. My mistake. Still, quite creepy.

63. So that’s how Krinkly reports back to Santa. Interesting.

Wait a minute, he’s not texting to Santa. He’s sexting to someone else. Boy, Krinkles seems to have some internet sexting addiction if you know what I mean. I hope the parents don’t get in trouble.

64. Great, Jangles just flashed at the Playmobil people.

Luckily the Playmobil wasn’t on duty at the time or the elf would’ve been arrested for indecent exposure.

65. Seems like Igby really likes to work with his hands.

Unfortunately, he seems to have created some Barbie centipede which is pretty terrifying if you know what I mean. I wonder if these shelf elves have to undergo any background checks. They should.

66. Oh, look, Dobbie’s written something on the eggs.

Not only does Dobbie pee on Christmas villages but he also has quite the potty mouth if you know what I mean.

67. “Hello, Clarice.”

Next he’ll be talking about how he ate a guy’s liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti.

68. For the Fractellis, here’s your new elf on the shelf, Snooki.

Of course, we know that Snooki is fresh out of Elf on the Shelf school and ended up graduating last in her class, for obvious reasons.

69. Seems like Eddie really takes to living in a mobile RV home.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure if his living arrangement does any good for the environment. I mean dumping sewage down a storm drain is illegal as well as not a good idea.

70. Aww, Plinko and Barbie sharing a- wait a minute, that’s twerking isn’t it?

Man, Plinko is going to get in a lot of trouble with Santa when the big guy hears about this at the North Pole. Still, great rendition of the 2013 VMAs.

71. Oh, my God, is Jingles planning on shooting Rudolph? Good heavens!

Yes, I know that December is deer hunting season. Yet, this doesn’t mean that anyone has the right to shoot any of Santa’s reindeer, especially Rudolph.

72. Man, looks like things at the North Pole aren’t going so well.

Looks like Crumpet was just arrested for taking part in his Occupy, North Pole demonstrations. Guess Santa isn’t very nice after all.

73. Seems like the toys have had enough with Bimbles.

Hope that house doesn’t have a child who’s potty training or Bimbles is going to stink like hell. Really he’ll smell like poo and pee from a 3-year-old.

74. Gristlekins really likes to get down and dirty with the blue girls.

Of course, perhaps he tends to be a very big fan of 50 Shades of Grey as well as very into BDSM. Yes, he likes to get kinky. But then again, not that there’s anything wrong wit that.

75. “Quick, get the defibrillator. I think we may be losing him.”

Oh, my God, guess a life of hard living eventually caught up with Puddy. Seems like he won’t be going to the North Pole on Christmas Eve this year.

76. All Frankie needs are his cigarette, a bottle of Absolut, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I hate to say this but it looks like Frankie has a bit of a drinking problem. I wonder if the North Pole has AA, rehab, or the 12-step programs? I mean Frankie will hit rock bottom before he knows it.

77. Seems like Blueball is filming his new flick, Barbies Gone Wild.

Not only that, but he’s using Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins’ camcorder, too. Seems like Santa won’t be the only person who’ll be pissed off at him. He’ll be in a lot of trouble.

78. Oh, nice, Brimbles is having a party. Adorable.

Wait a minute, he's snorting cocaine with a Smurf and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up.

Wait a minute, he’s snorting cocaine with a Smurf Mrs. Potts, and two Disney Princesses. This is a coke party! Hey, this is a family home, not The Wolf of Wall Street! Man, wait until the toy police show up. It was probably Brimbles’ idea.

79. Oh, my God! Jimbles killed Barbie!

I don’t know about you but if Jimbles wants to get a good sentence, he might want to call his attorney this instant. Also, definitely not returning to the Elf on the Shelf program next year.

80. Seems like someone made a nice message on the fridge.

Okay, seems like Flynny may need serious counseling or else put up in a mental institution. Still, after this year, I don’t think this family should do Elf on the Shelf again.

Jolly Old Sketchy Saint Nicholas

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 2, 2014

It’s always been a Christmas tradition for kids to see their local Santa Claus impersonator to request on what they want for Christmas. It’s also been a tradition that children have their picture taken with Santa as well. Still, while Santa Claus is supposed to be an old jolly bearded fat man in a red suit who’s supposed to inspire holiday cheer and adoration from children, sometimes the portrayal doesn’t go too well. Of course, there are times when people have to make do with what they got when it comes to having a Santa Claus, yet when it goes wrong, the side effects could range from unfortunate photo ops, frightened children, and the jolly Christmas icon seeming more suited for a horror movie than the festive holiday season. Nevertheless, there have been moments in which Santa doesn’t seem so nice and it’s the sketchy Santas I’ll show you in this post. So without further adieu, I present a treasury of Santas whose laps nobody would want to sit on. Some of these may not be safe for work.

1. Looks like Santa Claus has been drained of the spirit of Christmas.

“Yes, I get that you’d want Elsa from Frozen like every other goddamn kid I’ve seen today. And for God’s sake can’t you just take the picture to get it over with? I’m holding a screaming kid in my arms.”

2. Someone doesn’t feel jolly this holiday season and I don’t think it’s the kid.

Kind of reminds me of the mall Santa on A Christmas Story who told Ralphie, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid. Ho, ho, ho” before pushing him down the chute. Still, this guy must hate his job.

3. Seems like Punisher Santa doesn’t really understand children.

“So I asked the kid what he wanted for Christmas and I stood for the picture. So it ain’t my fucking fault that he burst into tears at the sight of me!”

4. While the baby doesn’t seem to be too upset, I’d be scared to death if this Santa was posing with my baby.

Yes, I’m sure that this babe will do nicely for being Santa Claus’ next meal, literally. Santa always loves feasting on the fresh bodily flesh of innocent babies.

5. “Why, Johnny, that’s an interesting balloon you have, I wonder if that’s a present for your parents. And I’m sure I wouldn’t put it between your legs if I were you.”

Now this Santa and kid photo op is quite awkward because there’s something rather inappropriate about it. And I don’t think Santa putting his arm around the boy does anything to help.

6. Nothing turns off anyone more than the presence of a Santa Claus in his underwear.

Only Mrs. Claus could ever find such a man attractive and probably took the picture. At least I hope so. Too bad someone found it to post on the Internet.

7. Take it easy on him, kids, since Santa’s been implicated in some barroom brawl the night before and hasn’t been feeling himself lately.

Yes, and Santa is now sporting a shiner due to being punched in the face and being hit on the head with a bottle.

8. Now I know he’s supposed to be Santa Claus but his face kind of reminds me of Old Man Winter.

“Your roads and driveway will be a bitch to clean up once I’m done with them. So expect being late to work more often this holiday season.

9. Santa shares a photo op with a couple of kids and Beppo the clown.

Seems like Santa doesn’t enjoy sharing the spotlight this Christmas season,especially with a clown that is more suitable for Halloween nightmares. Still, I’m sure the clown is going to get it once he and Santa get off from work.

10. I can’t tell whether Santa is a bit peeved by getting squashed by two ladies on his lap or thrilled to death for the same thing.

“Sure I may be gasping for breath but at least I have girls on my lap who are over 18 years old. Hope they ask for a jolly fat sausage for Christmas this year.”

11. Looks like the boss had Vinnie play Santa for the annual Christmas party on behalf of the Family’s kids.

"Man, when Don Vito said he'll make me an offer I can't refuse, I didn't mean it would amount to posing with his kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this."

“Man, when Don Vito said he’ll make me an offer I can’t refuse, I didn’t mean it would amount to posing with his bratty kids in this stupid costume. God, I feel like I just want to whack somebody for this. Then again, maybe I should’ve refused the offer.”

12. Since Santa couldn’t make it today, I’m sure the evil Saruman from Isengard will make a good substitute. I mean he has a white beard doesn’t he?

“I think I’ll take this little girl with me to Middle Earth. I’m sure the other one won’t miss her sister that much.”

13. “Well, how would you feel if you had to spend once a year breaking into people’s houses through their chimneys just to leave something nice for their kids?”

Of course, I’m sure that while the kid seems perfectly composed, Santa seems to be a bit pissed. Then again, imagine if you had to deal with reindeer pooping on people’s roofs.

14. Here’s Santa Claus sitting with what appears to be Rhoda Penmark. You know the girl who killed that boy over not getting the Penmanship Award on a field trip.

“Of course, I see you when you’re sleeping and know when you’re awake. Also, I know you’ve been really, really, bad this year so no presents for you, kiddo.”

15. “I have you now, my pretty, and I could’ve gotten your little dog, too. But the mall doesn’t allow pets.”

"So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don't pay for themselves."

“So if you want to see your daughter again this Christmas, give me some of those Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and a T-bone steak near the tree with a bottle of Dom Perignon. Oh, and a ransom of $5,000 because those presents don’t pay for themselves.”

16. “Did this girl just pee on my knee?”

“Man, that little shit just cost me a pair of red pants. Now what am I going to tell the manager? God, I hate kids.”

17. “I’ll just stick my hand right there for safety-sake, Bobby… Ol’ Santa wouldn’t want ya slippin’ of his lap, now would he?”

Hey, Santa, you aren’t supposed to touch kids between their legs. Still, at least you won’t see that Santa again because I’m sure those parents complained. Yet, this poor boy is scarred for life.

18. Zombie Santa Claus seems very hungry for little kids’ brains. Sadly, Ritchie would never be seen again after this picture was taken.

“Mommy, don’t let him take me! He’s dead, I tell you! And he wants to eat me!” But Ritchie’s mom just wouldn’t listen.

19. Yes, Santa Claus gives toys for the good girls and boys but he will come back for their souls later.

Sure these two girls may look happy, but little do they notice the evil lurking within the Sinister Mr. Kringle. Yes, kids, Santa Claus is evil incarnate.

20. Seems like it’s Christmas in Disneyland.

Remind me not to go to visit Disneyland with my kids during the holiday season. Also, seems like Santa’s about to do something kinky with Mickey and Minnie Mouse.

21. Now here’s Saint Nicholas with three of his helpers. Hey, wait a minute, those aren’t elves!

For those not familiar with David Sedaris, this picture was taken in the Netherlands. While we all seem to recognize Saint Nicholas as the bearded white guy, those three guys in blackface are 3 of the 6 to 8 black men. Of course, this is the main reason why I wouldn’t recommend black people to travel to the Netherlands at this time in December.

22. While you want your kid’s first visit with Santa to be memorable, make sure it doesn’t traumatize them for life.

Now if a Santa Claus manages to be so menacing to frighten babies, then you might want to go to another Santa. Seriously, I can see why this baby is totally shitting its diaper right now.

23. “Come sit on Santa’s lap. I have candy canes.”

“Mommy, please don’t let me sit with the scary bearded man. Please, Mommy. It’s not funny, Mommy. I’m serious, Mommy.”

24. Looks like eye shadowed Santa has a gift for all the kids who sit on his lap.

“And can you please give Mommy a boxed set of 50 Shades of Grey and a DVD of Secretary? Also, can you please give Daddy a pair of wifebeaters?”

25. While he’s on break, Santa Claus likes to strum his guitar and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Of course, who would’ve thought that Santa Claus is a terrible role model for children? Still, he’ll probably be totally wasted once he’s back to work.

26. Of course, this is what you get when you hire the homeless guy outside a Kmart to play Santa Claus.

And from how that baby’s acting up, I’m sure this Santa certainly smells like a homeless guy. But at least this Santa didn’t have to grow a beard.

27. “Oh, Ms Tammy! Those the set I brought ya last year? How ’bout Ol’ Santa brings you a nice shiny pole to go along with’em!?!?!?”

My, my, it seems that Santa Claus has been a very, very naughty boy this year. Guess he’s not getting any presents at least from Mrs. Claus.

28. Creepy Ghost Santa said, “So, Sally, what would you like for Christmas this year? Oh, wait a minute, you probably already answered that question in your nightmares.” Of course, this was right before he chopped her with an axe.

From Neatorama: “This Mr. Claus looks so cold and lifeless that I can’t help but wonder if they just let all the youngsters take their Santa photos with a dead Kris Kringle. Whatever the story behind this picture, the end result is horrifying.”

29. Only in an adult club could a guy sit on Santa’s lap wearing a speedo and holding a tenor saxophone.

Santa Claus: "Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to doing it next year."

Santa Claus: “Okay, if I have to deal with this kind of shit on a daily basis during this gig, consider me not open to putting the red suit on next year.”

30. “Looks like the Valium is about to kick in at any moment…..right about now.”

“Here comes Santa Claus,
Here comes Santa Claus,
Right on Santa Claus Lane, Zzzzzzz.”

31. “Ewww, Santa’s breath smells like our drunk Uncle Harry during a bender.”

“Sorry, kiddies, but Santa always has to drink at least a few shots of bourbon before breakfast. It’s how he manages to deal with cranky elves and out of control reindeer in their games. Now he needs another drink.”

32. Come to see Santa Claus, he’ll let you ride on his donkey.

From Neatorama: “Again, this vintage Santa picture is simply terrifying and the bearded man looks more like a monster than St. Nicholas. Even the taxidermied donkey looks more alive than this Santa Claus.” Hope this little girl survives her visit to Santa and lives to tell the tale.

33. “Hold yer britches, Brittany, Daddy ain’t finished telling Santa Claus what he wants for Christmas.”

Santa: “I’m sure your little Brittany will get everything she wants for Christmas. Yet, as for you, I’ll sure give you some shotgun shells, a six pack of beer, five years probation for your mama, and those mudflaps with the naked ladies.”

34. Remember, parents, don’t take your child to visit Santa Claus during the dead of night. Especially when he says, “This child is the right size for roasting.”

Santa: “So little girl, what would you want for Christmas this year?”
Little Girl: “Mommy, please, don’t make me sit on that man’s lap! He looks like he wants to eat me!” (Runs off unable to stop screaming.)

35. Terrorists, say hello to Santa’s little friend, the assault rifle.

Granted, he’s most likely an American soldier playing Santa during his tour of duty who’s recently besieged by combat. But still, this is pretty damn funny.

36. Sometimes adults like to take their picture with Santa Claus as well, especially couples.

I bet Santa is like, “Boy oh, boy, wish I could put my hands on that rack of hers. What knockers!” Pervert.

37. While Santa Claus isn’t having kids sit on his lap, you can see him outside directing traffic.

Looks like Santa is very much enjoying this gig that he’s doing a little dance at the intersection. Still, he better watch out since there may be a car coming right at him.

38. Why, yes, Virginia, you can have your cat pose in a picture with Santa Claus.

Now this Santa seems so terrifying that even the cat is freaking out. Still, I bet Santa is going to have a lot of scratch marks once this photo op is over.

39. Before he started his career on 60 Minutes, the late Andy Rooney used to do stints playing Santa Claus at the mall. He wasn’t received well.

If you think Andy Rooney plays a terrifying Santa Claus, you should see Santa portrayed by actors like Gary Busey, Jack Nicholson, Peter Lorre, and Steve Buscemi. Then again, you’d rather not.

40. Would you let this man deliver presents for your kids around Christmas Eve?

I’m sure Santa Claus is back from his stint in jail and is vowing to catch the real culprit for the crime he didn’t commit through any means necessary. Let me say, there will be hell to pay for someone this Christmas.

41. Hey, I didn’t know John Goodman’s character from The Big Lebowski was a mall Santa.

I haven’t seen The Big Lebowski, but I’m sure things aren’t going to be good if this baby’s father is The Dude. Still, this Santa looks as if he has a score to settle.

42. “Now you be a good girl and go tell your momma Santa’s got a big, special present just for her…”

I don’t like the look on that Santa’s face and neither does the girl on his lap. In fact, she wishes she wouldn’t want to sit on Santa’s lap anymore.

43. “Oh, yes, I’m making a list and checking it twice.”

However, judging by this Santa’s face and the kids’ faces, I can’t really decide whether this Kris Kringle is naughty or nice.

44. Santa Claus really likes children sitting on his lap.

Unfortunately, this little boy is absolutely terrified of him and perhaps so am I. Still, you’ll never escape from the man they call, “The Claus.”

45. A tired Santa Claus prepares his way to go down the chimney.

From Neatorama: “If Santa looked like that in modern Christmas movies, I think kids would stay up at night in horror rather than excitement as they went to bed expecting him to come down the chimney.”

46. “All right, photo 1,546 coming right up. Damn, you’d think I’d have migraines after a spending a day with people flashing cameras in my face.”

“Ho, ho, ho, Santa needs a break from this, really. How many more kids do I have to pose with before I pass out?”

47. Just Old Kris Kringle curled up with a bottle of booze on his lunch break.

He’s probably trying to drown his sorrows over the fact that Mrs. Claus may be fooling around with one of the elves. Still, I think Santa may have a drinking problem here.

48. “I’ve got plans for you, Goldilocks.”

Santa seems to be plotting something and I don’t like the look on his face either. Neither does the boy. Seriously, how can anyone think Santa doesn’t look evil in this?

49. Heeeere’s Santa!

Perhaps this Santa should tone the holiday cheer down a bit. Because he almost seems to have the appearance of the neighborhood psychokiller with a $50,000 reward dead or alive.

50. Santa Claus: Jolly old gift giver who brings tidings of comfort, joy, and good cheer or Snidely Whiplash in disguise.

Okay, Dudley Do-Right, you win. Still, Snidely hasn’t really aged all too well has he? And he’s put on a lot of weight, too.

51. “Certainly, Mr. Gregson, I’ll take very good care of that redheaded stepson of yours….for a while.”

From Neatorama: “Indeed, poor little Zak looks like he’s being kidnapped for ransom money by this gruff-looking Mr. Claus.”

52. These eyes have certainly seen a darker side of Christmas.

I’m sure your child is perfectly safe with this guy who might be on some kind of “registered offenders” list in some states.

53. “I saw Mommy spanking Santa Claus/Underneath the mistletoe last night.” And looks like Santa didn’t seem to mind.

Oh, yes, spank that fat Santa ass will you. Because Santa has been a very naughty boy if you know what I mean.

54. Don’t look now but I think there’s a scary red suited beardy man behind you.

“All right, which one of you told Daddy that they saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Well, that’s no presents for you Chloe.”

55. “For the love of God, how much time do I have left for this?”

“Be a mall Santa, they said. It would be fun, they said. Boy, those bastards were terribly wrong.”

56. Just because a little girl may have a shirt that says she loves Santa, doesn’t mean she actually does.

Of course, Santa is only taking the job because it looks good on his resume as well as impresses his parole officer, not to be critical.

57. Sorry, kids, looks like Santa has been drinking too much eggnog lately.

Perhaps this picture perfectly explains why Grandma got run over by a reindeer that fateful Christmas Eve. Obviously, Santa was drunk that night, too. Wonder if he’s heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or the 12 step program?

58. “I always love it when they squeal.”

“Yes, cry my little one! I’m always energized and refreshed by the cries of innocent children! Ho, ho, ho! Their tears always give me great nourishment.”

59. Santa: “So, little lady have you been a good little girl this year?”

Little Girl: “Mommy, get me off this scary man’s lap! I’ll be good, honest I will! Just get me out of here! Please don’t force me to sit on his lap, please!”

60. Sorry, kid, but there’s no escaping Santa now!

“The best part about this job is that they let kids sit on your lap and you don’t have to go through a background check.”

61. “I was only kidding about Rudolph being hit by a 747.”

"Hey, can't a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? What the hell is wrong with this boy?"

“Hey, can’t a little kid take a bit of gallows humor this holiday season? Jesus, what the hell is wrong with this boy?”

62. It’s said while Santa gives bad kids coal for Christmas, he puts bad elves in the fire for kindling.

Let’s just hope that if this is a good kid because I would be terrified if I find out that she’s a horrible little elf. Still, I could see evil in this Santa’s eyes beneath his fluffy white beard.

63. “Here, you take him, I think he just spoiled my robe here.”

I don’t know about you but if this photo didn’t take place somewhere in Europe, then the Santa hood has got to go. Otherwise, Santa looks like some evil red cloaked wizard.

64. Yes, Virginia, Santa loves cats.

He also knows a lot a ways to skin them as well, not to be critical. Still, would you want your cat to sit with this man?

65. “Do you think the child is frightened by the wig? Or is it just me?”

Let’s just sum up what makes this Santa terrifying as hell: 1. The ugly wig you’d see on someone playing George Washington. 2. The beard you’d see on a homeless bum. 3. The red hood which you’d likely see on a cult leader.
Still, I can see why this baby isn’t a happy camper.

66. While parents love to take their kids to see Santa, they always try to avoid seeing a flashing one.

We may divided on whether to see Santa at the mall this year, but there’s certainly a consensus that nobody wants to see a naked Santa. Ho, ho, hell no!

67. Sorry, kids, but Santa has to get a lap dance from Mrs. Claus.

Nice to see the two having that spark after all these years together at the North Pole. Still, do they have to make out in front of everyone? That ain’t right.

68. He sees you when you’re sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.

Okay, the concept of posing with your kid while Santa watches out the window is actually rather terrifying if you ask me.

69. Come into Santa’s car. He’ll take your requests and give you free candy.

Sure he may be Santa Claus or some known sicko dressed up as Santa Claus to lure children with free candy. Either way, I wouldn’t risk it and keep the hell a way from him.

70. Sometimes it’s every child’s wish to see Santa during the Christmas season.

Sometimes, it’s Santa visits like this that will forever live in these children’s nightmares. Still, this Santa seems like he wants to do very naughty things to these innocent souls in his workshop.

For more: Bad Santas- http://suburbanturmoil.com/the-very-best-of-bad-santa/2013/12/18/

Up on the Housetop, on Christmas Inflatable Decorations

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 1, 2014

What the hell is the jack-o’-lantern doing here? Halloween’s over.

Now the tradition of having Christmas inflatables on lawns is a relatively recent phenomenon but they are nevertheless popular enough for onlookers to spot them. Of course, some people tend to go all out on them as well. So like them or hate them, they are here to stay. Nevertheless, I don’t participate in this tradition but many do so here’s a post on them. And believe me, there are many you can choose from according to the online listings. Yet, while I can go on and on about all the wonderful inflatable decorations out there, you might find it boring so I’ll put up the ones that don’t seem that glamorous but deserve extra attention for sheer tackiness. Not to mention, there are some inflatables that for some reason seem to make absolutely no sense whatsoever. So without further adieu, enjoy these blow up lighting lawn ornaments that might have some disturbing implications.

1. In honor of A Christmas Story, here’s a 6 foot inflatable leg lamp to show your neighbors.

As most of us have seen A Christmas Story, we all know that Ralphie’s dad received a leg lamp after winning a sweepstakes contest. Still, despite A Christmas Story being a family film, this leg lamp is certainly an R-rated decoration.

2. Santa Claus likes to ride on his motorcycle with his reindeer in the sidecar.

Wait a minute, isn’t Santa supposed to be using his reindeer as transportation for his sleigh? I thought that reindeer were means of getting there, not passengers.

3. Tyrannosaurus Rex receives a bone for Christmas as he always wanted.

I understand that dinosaurs are cool kid appeal animals, but still, they haven’t roamed the Earth in 65 million years. To have a dinosaur in Christmas regalia is about as anachronistic as The Flintstones Holiday Special.

4. This snowman seems all dressed up and ready to get himself a buck.

Well, this does make a good decoration since deer hunting season starts on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Still, this has unfortunate implications if you know that Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer and the message of “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men.”

5. For those who love Christmas and Ernest Hemingway, then this is a great inflatable decoration for you.

When you take the Christmas stuff off of this decoration, you have yourselves an inflatable lawn decoration of Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea.

6. Looks like Santa is climbing in the pool for a swim with a reindeer, penguins, and a polar bear.

Knowing that Santa lives in the North Pole, then he must be a member of the Polar Bear Club. Still, what the hell are these penguins doing here? They live in Antarctica, not the North Pole for God’s sake.

7. Merry Christmas from Santa’s trailer.

Looks like Santa and Mrs. Claus might need to go to marriage counseling or aren’t on great terms right now.

8. While most of Santa’s reindeer are guys who pull the sleigh, their mates stage their own roller derby night.

Still, at least this decoration gets it right that female reindeer do have antlers during this time of year. And in many species, they are the only ones with antlers in December since the males have shed them since mating season. Still, I’d rather not recommend roller derby to anyone since it’s a very violent sport.

9. Santa and his friends travel the world in their hippie van encouraging kids to be nice, not naughty.

So if Santa Claus is an aging bohemian, does this mean that smoking pot, taking drugs, and engaging in free love won’t get you put on the naughty list? Also, does this mean that soldiers get coal this year?

10. Man, it’s so cold outside that even a snowman is shivering in his igloo.

Wait a minute, snowmen are made of snow and shouldn’t be shivering in the cold. If they get warm, they melt. Simple is that. So why is this snowman getting the chills?

11. For the kids, celebrate Christmas with an inflatable lawn Noah’s Ark.

As a practicing Catholic, I need to say that this inflatable decoration makes no theological sense whatsoever. I mean most Christians usually celebrate Christmas to honor the birth of Christ. Well, Noah’s Ark is recorded in the Old Testament Book of Genesis so there’s no reason why it shouldn’t have any Christmas decorations on it. What’s next, Moses dressed as Santa or Adam and Eve wearing elf costumes? Because both such decorations would just be as ridiculous as this.

12. Looks like Frosty the Snowman and his penguin friend are enjoying a long vacation at the beach sipping coconut drinks.

Seriously, what the hell is that snowman doing here next to a palm tree? Snowmen basically melt and evaporate in warmer, tropical climates. So there’s no reason why Frosty should be near a palm tree in the first place.

13. Here’s Santa Claus relaxing in his palm tree hammock after making his Christmas Eve rounds.

Now I don’t know about you but doesn’t it seem a bit odd that Santa is still in his red suit? I don’t mean to be rude, but if Santa doesn’t strip out of that big red winter suit anytime soon, he might as well be rushed to the hospital for heatstroke. That, or sweating like hell.

14. Seems like the gingerbread man and his girlfriend have enjoyed a great time in the witch’s oven from Hansel and Gretel?

Gingerbread people seem surprisingly nonchalant about being baked alive! Seriously, what kind of sick and twisted person think this would make a great Christmas decoration? It seems more likely to give kids nightmares.

15. Merry Christmas from this Cowboy Penguin.

Now cute as this decoration may be, we must understand that penguins usually live in the Southern Hemisphere with the northernmost ones residing in the Galapagos Islands. And I’m sure that cowboys have little-or-nothing to do with Christmas either. So a penguin cowboy Christmas decoration would more or less make better sense in Chile or Australia where it’s summer.

16. Looks like it’s Casino Night at the North Pole.

Sorry, kids, but none of you are getting presents this year because Santa’s got a gambling problem and needs to pay his loanshark bookies.

17. Santa Claus enjoys his vacation with a penguin in a hula skirt?

From the Huffington Post, “Surprisingly, global warming is welcomed by Santa and his… hula penguins.” Need I say more. Also, at least Santa has his shirt on.

18. Santa’s ability to withstand chimney fires made him the perfect recruit for the fire department or something.

Then again, there are a lot of firefighters out there who do look like Santa Claus. I mean a lot of firefighters I’ve seen do tend to be obese and may have white beards.

19. My, my, so Grandma did get run over by a reindeer after all. Except that Santa wasn’t responsible.

And when we mean “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” we mean she was run over by one operating a steam roller. Still, first vehicular manslaughter and now this? What’s Santa doing to these reindeer?

20. Seems like Santa Claus is a badass biker dude on his motorcycle.

Keep in mind that a motorcycle holds way fewer presents than a sleigh and the insurance is higher. Also, wasn’t there a Six Feet Under episode in which a mall Santa got hit by a truck while riding a motorcycle? The biker funeral episode is perhaps one of the best of the series but those kids will be in therapy for life.

21. Man, it seems that these penguins are certainly getting along with the polar bear.

Still, we have to acknowledge that penguins don’t live in the North Pole and even if they did, they’d certainly not get along with polar bears. In fact, the polar bear would certainly eat them.

22. Seems like Santa has ditched the sleigh and replaced it with a chopper.

Man, I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with the reindeer being out of work. Also, what’s Rudolph to do with his red nose now that he’s unemployed?

23. Think of it as Christmas meets Stagecoach.

So does this mean that Santa is taking these penguins back to the Southern Hemisphere where they belong? If not, then where?

24. Man, Santa should really watch where to put that big ass of his.

Still, I hope that elf gets better by next Christmas in the North Pole hospital’s intensive care unit. He’s going to need it as well as go to the North Pole physical rehabilitation center afterwards.

25. Ahoy, mateys, step right aboard on Santa’s pirate ship.

Wait a minute, Santa gives presents to children, not take away cargo and other items from merchant ships! Then again, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors. Still, why does this even exist?

26. Merry Christmas from the 9 foot mutant penguin spreading holiday cheer.

Wait a minute, isn’t the idea of a 9ft tall penguin something from a nightmare? Still, why does this thing exist?

27. Looks like this reindeer is hunting from a tree with a ladder.

Since December is deer hunting season, it’s hard to tell whether this one is hunting for his own kind, trying to protect himself, or both. Either way, there’s something very wrong with this.

28. Okay, so maybe Santa Claus can’t withstand all chimney fires.

Santa should be lucky that Dasher was able to get a hold of the sleigh fire extinguisher and put out the flames in time. Sadly, Santa didn’t have a spare pair of pants and had to spend the rest of the night giving presents to kids with his rear end exposed.

29. Just two reindeer roasting marshmallows at the campfire while Santa sleeps in his tent.

Since how does Santa ever have time to go camping with his reindeer? Also, isn’t he supposed to be making toys this time of year?

30. So to commemorate the holiday season, Spongebob Squarepants decided to through some disgusting mutilation to make himself look like a Christmas tree.

Now this is bound to give Spongebob’s youngest fans nightmares. Yet, I hope he gets back into shape after the holidays. Still, he doesn’t seem remarkably disturbed by looking like a Christmas tree.

31. Hello, and welcome to Santa’s Snack Shack.

Well, if you want a new Xbox for Christmas, Santa has to pay for it somehow. Those presents don’t pay for themselves, kiddo.

32. Seems like Santa really enjoys riding on his quad runner ATV.

Seriously, those things are basically gas guzzing four wheeled motorcycles. Besides, I’m sure they’re not cheap either and make lots of unnecessary noise. Not to mention, Santa seems just way too cool for those.

33. Fuel up, elves, because Santa needs to take a pit stop.

Santa, this seems too dangerous for you! You don’t want to wreck on the racetrack don’t you? Still, why does this thing exist for God’s sake?

34. During the summer, Santa and Rudolph take gigs as lifeguards on the beach.

From Huffington Post: “We get that sometimes people have to take lifeguarding gigs in the summer, but SANTA? Really?” Still, I could understand Rudolph but I’m not sure if reindeer know how to swim.

35. Looks like Frosty the snowman has opened up a new popcorn stand.

So how does Frosty manage to scoop up the popcorn from the machine without melting his hand? I mean it takes a lot of heat to make popcorn pop doesn’t it? Perhaps Frosty should just stick to selling ice cream instead.

36. Frosty the Snowman takes his penguin pal for a ride on his new ride.

Uh, doesn’t it get hot when you turn on a motorcycle? I mean people wear leather jackets on them for a reason. Still, it’s a wonder Frosty is able to retain shape while riding one.

37. Nothing says Christmas like your very own Christmas cactus.

Wait a minute, cacti live in warm desert climates, not in places with snow. Also, they aren’t things you want to decorate because of their needles. Not to mention, I’m not sure if a cactus has anything to do with Christmas whatsoever.

38. Of course, even Santa has times when you gotta go, you gotta go.

For God’s sake, Santa, pull your pants up, will you? Nobody wants to see your naked ass this holiday season! God almighty, why does this even exist?

39. Behold, a neon dancing Santa Claus.

Man, Santa seems to have lost a lot of weight since he started working out more at the North Pole gym.

40. Since his sleigh is now in the shop on Christmas Eve, Santa now delivers presents on his new 8-wheeler trailer truck.

Of course, there are plenty of truckers who look like Santa Claus so maybe Saint Nick is onto something here. Still, I bet the reindeer aren’t too happy being unemployed though. And I’m sure that truck is a gas guzzler for sure.

41. Looks like the sleigh has run out of gas.

Wait a minute doesn’t reindeer transport prevent the need for Santa to stop at a gas station? Also, even if the sleigh were powered, wouldn’t run on some kind of alternative fuel source like magic?

42. Of course, Darth Vader knows what you’re getting for Christmas since he can feel your presents.

Now I’m not sure Darth Vader would make an appropriate Christmas decoration mainly because he blew up his daughter’s planet and froze her boyfriend in carbonite before handing him over a bounty hunter, cut off his son’s hand, killed his mentor, and force choked his employees. Yeah, I’m sure this Star Wars villain is on the Dark Side of the Force and you wouldn’t want this man to be your father. Definitely not a character who fits the Christmas spirit.

43. Looks like Santa had a little accident with his sleigh.

Perhaps we should concede that Santa Claus probably isn’t the best driver as far as reindeer pulled sleighs are concerned. Still, I wonder if he has accidents every year or just once in a blue moon.

44. Looks like a polar bear got his tongue stuck at the North Pole during the ugly sweater party.

Of course, we should all know that the elf talked the polar bear into it. Guess he ain’t getting any presents this year. Still, I’m sure the bear isn’t going to be happy once Santa sorts things out.

45. Since reindeer tend to be too much trouble, Santa decided to deliver presents via dump truck.

I’m sure this doesn’t bode well with the quality of toys this year. Still, I think he should give the reindeer their jobs back before they go on strike for higher pay.

46. Man, it’s so cold out, I swear the snowmen and penguins are shivering.

I can understand the penguins since they might freeze to death during Antarctic winters. But the snowman? C’mon, it’s made out of snow.

47. Merry Christmas from your local neighborhood Spiderman.

Sorry, that Santa couldn’t go on his rounds this year. So you’ll have to make do with Spiderman. Sure he has no sleigh and reindeer, but he can swing house to house with his web.

48. It’s great fun at the North Pole on Santa’s party barge.

Let’s hope nobody drinks too much eggnog, especially Captain Santa. Then again, I might watch out for the polar bear, too.

49. Some fish wants to give Santa a present.

Now this absolutely makes no sense to me. I mean Santa was about to catch that fish wit intent to have it for dinner. But both seem quite cheerful for some reason.

50. Merry Christmas from Spiderman as he scales up his wall.

Uh, spidey, are you sure you’re going to do fine with that sack? Looks a bit heavy. Hope you don’t break your back. Also, you might want to give the job to Superman. Or Ironman.

More Underrated, Overlooked, Forgotten, and Ignored Historical Heroes Who Need More Love

Posted by historymaniacmegan on December 1, 2014

While some people have their names enshrined on a plaque, a statue on a public square, a biopic, and are remembered for generations in the history books, others get barely a footnote in some long history academic encyclopedia. Whether they’re ignored for their race, gender, or other feature that doesn’t fit in the historic narrative or are overlooked in other ways, we have these people who the history books just don’t do justice to. Last October, I compiled a list of forgotten and not so forgotten figures and this time I have an assortment for your pleasure. I’ll only list people who are now dead.

1. William Parker, 13th Baron Morely, 4th Baron Monteagle

His Feats: English noble and member of the House of Lords. He’s best known for the discovery of the Gunpowder Plot in which a group of 13 Catholics conspired to blow up the Houses of Parliament with 36 barrels of gunpowder in the cellar directly below it during the 1605 opening. Before the fateful 5th of November, he received a mysterious letter, presumably from a fellow Catholic (most likely his brother-in-law Francis Tresham) who wanted to spare his life from the upcoming scheduled terrorist attack. After deciphering the letter, he rushed to Whitehall, showed it to the 1st Earl of Salisbury Robert Cecil. He then joined Thomas Howard where they found a stash of Gunpowder and explosives which resulted in Guy Fawkes and his fellow conspirators arrested, tortured into confession, and executed through being hung, drawn, and quartered. He was rewarded with £500 and 200 acres of land

Why He’s Ignored: Parker was a lifelong recusant Catholic who was in favor with court despite having a checkered past of being linked to Catholic terrorist plots as well as a stint in prison as well as a £8,000 fine. Of course, given the status of English Catholics as a persecuted minority since Elizabethan times (as well as the fact that acts of Catholic terror caused Protestant pressure to crack down on them), putting him in the history books wouldn’t fit with the historical narrative most 17th century English Protestants wouldn’t be happy with. Also, despite the Stuart monarchy being too Catholic friendly for their own good, things wouldn’t get better for the English Catholics in Great Britain after the Gunpowder Plot as priests continued to be expelled, fines were taxed, and the recusant Catholics worshiped in secret. So in spite of Parker basically saving Parliament and the Stuart royal family, his actions didn’t help the persecuted English Catholics in the PR department (then again, Catholic terrorists blowing up Parliament might’ve made things worse). Not only that, now since we have the film V for Vendetta, Guy Fawkes now has his own fanbase (and souvenir mask) despite only functioning in the group as the explosives expert as well as being the first guy caught who ratted out all his fellow collaborators while under torture. Nevertheless, whether Parker wrote the Monteagle Letter or not, he certainly knew about the Gunpowder Plot and acted accordingly. Yet, when it comes to Fawkes and Monteagle, it’s very clear which one should be seen as the hero in the story of the Gunpowder Plot.

2. Philo T. Farnsworth

His Feats: A self-taught American physicist and child prodigy who built a motor and produced the first electric washing machine his family ever owned when he was 12 years old. At 14, he figured out a way to transmit images electronically. In 1921, he diagrammed and described television in a school science paper. 5 years later he built his first television camera and receiving apparatus. He would build the electronic transmission of television, using a carbon arc projector to send a single line to a receiver in the next room of his apartment.

Why He’s Ignored: Unfortunately for him, the Radio Corporation of America (RCA) owned a patent for television by another inventor. He would spend years embroiled in lawsuits, defending himself from infringement claims, and seeking to guard his own patent rights. In 1939, RCA would finally license Farnsworth’s patents and paid him $1 million. Nevertheless, despite that TV has basically has had a major impact on the lives of billions of people who tune in every day, most people don’t really know the man who invented it. In many ways, just being the inventor of TV alone, Farnsworth should be a household name.

3. Frank Wills

His Feats: Nighttime security guard at the Watergate Hotel and Office Complex who while on his rounds in the summer of 1972, found a strip of duct tape preventing a door latch from closing all the way. He removed it and continued on his way. 30 minutes later, he returned to the spot and saw that someone reaffixed the tape to the latch. Feeling something suspicious was going on, he promptly called the cops. What he discovered would become front page news as the late night burglary of the Democratic National Convention Headquarters which would lead to a major coverup as well as a series of scandals that led to the resignation of a US president.

Why He’s Ignored: Well, despite being held a hero with a few talk show appearances immediately after the Watergate break-in, he died broke and in obscurity. Once his 15 minutes of fame were up, he had constant trouble finding employment and was unsuccessful. Even Howard University wouldn’t hire him because they didn’t want the government to withhold their funds in retribution. In 1983, he’d be arrested for shoplifting a pair of $12 shoes which led to a year in prison. Still, if he’s ignored for anything, it’s because he was just an ordinary guy doing his job and a reluctant whistleblower, which doesn’t go well with the Watergate narrative. Yet, there are plenty of people who’ve made history every day and Wills is one of them.

4. Aryabhata

His Feats: Indian astrologer and mathematician. Said by many to have invented zero and narrow down the value of pie to the correct four decimal places. Studied both lunar and solar eclipses as well as the Earth’s rotation on its axis as well as measured the Earth’s circumference to 99.8% accuracy.

Why He’s Ignored: Well, since history is basically told in the our euro-centric point of view in most western countries, his Indian nationality is certainly an obvious factor. That and imperialism has basically promoted the notion of European supremacy bias. The fact that this Indian mathematician and astronomer existed at all doesn’t suit that narrative.

5. Subhas Chandra Bose

His Feats: Leader of the Indian National Congress who sought full, immediate independence for India from Great Britain in contrast to Mohandas K. Gandhi’s “passive resistance” methods (though he was a great admirer and called him, “father of our nation” while Gandhi plotted against him). As a statesman and rebel leader, he was jailed as well as wore various disguises while traveling to India and beyond to bolster support for the cause. Was known in India for his decorum and respect as well has had mysterious death in 1945 with rumored sightings of Elvis-like proportions.

Why He’s Ignored: While he’s certainly revered in India, he’s seldom known anywhere else mostly because he courted the Axis Powers during World War II and the fact that Gandhi’s means of peace makes a far more better story in the PR department. Yet, like it or not, Bose’s more aggressive techniques (as those of other freedom fighters) did a far more to bring India’s independence than Gandhi ever did.

6. Rosalind Franklin

Her Feats: British Jewish scientist who unraveled the structure of DNA with the double helix as well as was part of her team that won the Nobel Prize of 1962. Also helped unravel the structure of the Tobacco Mosaic Virus and RNA.

Why She’s Ignored: Well, three reasons. First, as a female scientist, she wasn’t acknowledged for her work by her male colleagues until 1968 and even since, she’s just a footnote in a high school biology textbook. Second, working in x-ray crystallography that helped her that famous discovery, also lead to her early death from ovarian cancer in 1958 at the age of 37. Third, the Nobel Prize isn’t awarded posthumously, though you’d think they’d make an exception with her. Still, with her work in unraveling DNA, Franklin is possibly the most important female scientist in history.

7. Elijah McCoy

His Feats: Canadian-American inventor notable for 57 U. S. patents most to do with lubrication of steam engines. Born to runaway slaves in Canada and moved to Michigan at the age of 5, he studied as a mechanical engineer in Edinburgh, Scotland. Though he only could find work as a fireman and oiler at the Michigan Central Railroad, he invented an automatic lubricator for oiling steam engines, locomotives, and ships. Also invented the folding ironing board and a lawn sprinkler. Produced more patents than any other African American inventor up to the 20th century.

Why He’s Ignored: To make a short story short, despite having all those patents and debate on how much he revolutionized the railroad and machine industries with his devices, he’s not well known outside of industry and the African American community. This is mostly because he was black as well as the fact he didn’t have the money to manufacture his lubricators in large numbers until close to the end of his life and usually assigned patent rights to his employers investors. Not only that, but racial prejudice in the day was the main reason why he could only find work as a fireman and oiler in the first place, which is why he’s barely mentioned at all in any early 20th century literature at all relating to lubricators.

8. Norbert Rilleaux

His Feats: 19th century Creole African American inventor and engineer. Born in Louisiana and cousin of Edgar Degas, was the youngest teacher at the Ecole Centrale (an engineering school in Paris) at the age of 24 instructing in applied mechanics as well as a competent blacksmith and expert machinist. Best known for inventing the multiple-effect evaporator which was an energy efficient means of evaporating water as well as an important development in the sugar industry. When a yellow fever outbreak plagued New Orleans in the 1850s, he proposed a plan to the city that would eliminate the moist breeding grounds for the mosquitoes that carried the disease by addressing problems in the city’s sewer system and drying swamplands in the area. Though rejected, it was addressed several years later.

Why He’s Ignored: Well, despite helping to revolutionize the sugar industry with his refining contraption, the fact he was black and a Creole of color certainly doesn’t give him much recognition in the history books as well as those of other African American engineers, scientists, and inventors. Also, for many white Southerners of the day, giving credit to a black guy for making a device that helped the growth of the sugar industry is kind of an embarrassment.

9. Oscar Micheaux

His Feats: Born to a former slave father in Illinois and to a family of 13 children. Moved to Chicago at 17 in which he had several different jobs from working in stockyards and steel mills to setting up his own shoeshine stand and working as a Pullman porter. He then became a homesteader in South Dakota with all white neighbors who wouldn’t let him eat at their tables and started writing articles for the press. Wrote 7 novels based on his experiences and the failure of his first marriage as well as had his stories revolve around the theme of African Americans realizing their potential and succeeding in areas from which they were previously excluded. When his 1918 book The Homesteader was being planned for a feature film, negotiations between him and producer, he decided to form his own book and film company in Chicago and made the adaptation himself. He would go to collaborate in over 40 films focusing on contemporary African American life, black and white racial relationships, and blacks trying to achieve the American Dream in a larger and segregated society. He’d also use his films to counter white portrayals of African Americans and inferior black stereotypes. He was perhaps the most successful black filmmaker in the early 20th century and gave a lot of opportunities to African Americans in the film business. Once said, “My results…might have been narrow at times, due perhaps to certain limited situations, which I endeavored to portray, but in those limited situations, the truth was the predominate characteristic. It is only by presenting those portions of the race portrayed in my pictures, in the light and background of their true state, that we can raise our people to greater heights. I am too imbued with the spirit of Booker T. Washington to engraft false virtues upon ourselves, to make ourselves that which we are not.”

Why He’s Ignored: Outside of film buffs and the African American community, most people don’t really know who he was. Of course, the fact that Hollywood and mainstream US History tends to downplay the achievements of African Americans so we shouldn’t be surprised. Not to mention, the fact that Hollywood tends to take movies made by blacks less seriously than whites is also a factor as well as the fact that some of Micheaux’s films are now lost. Yet, as his tombstone reads, this pioneer in African American cinema was certainly, “A man ahead of his time.” Still, when it comes to the history of film and Hollywood, you can’t really ignore this man who’s certainly a historical hero indeed.

10. Mary Anning

Her Feats: 19th century British fossil collector, dealer, and paleontologist known for the important finds she made in the Jurassic marine beds in the cliffs along the English Channel at Lyme Regis. Discoveries included the first correctly identified ichthyosaur skeleton she found at the age of 12, the first two plesiosaur skeletons, and the first pterosaur skeleton located outside Germany, and important fish fossils. Her observations played a key role in the discovery that coprolites were fossilized feces and that belemnite fossils contained fossilised ink sacs like those of modern cephalopods. All this despite having almost no formal education and barely enough money for journal subscriptions as well as collected fossils during landslide season which was very dangerous and killed her dog.

Why She’s Ignored: As a woman from a poor family of religious dissenters who lost her cabinetmaker dad at eleven, she was screwed by the British scientific establishment from the get-go. Also, she was only published once in the scientific press in which she wrote a letter to the Magazine of Natural History disputing the “discovery” of a new genus prehistoric shark based on her own findings. Still, this didn’t stop other British scientists from wanting to talk shop with her.

11. Rabban Sauma

His Feats: 1200s Turkic/Mongol Nestorian monk turned diplomat who traveled in places such as Mongol controlled China, Baghdad, and Europe where he met with many of the monarchs and the Pope. He then chronicled his lifetime of travel which is of unique interest to modern historians giving a picture of medieval Europe at the end of the Crusading period painted by a keenly intelligent, broadminded, and statesmanlike observer as well as provides a viewpoint of East looking West.

Why He’s Ignored: Let’s just say that people may find it hard to believe that a Turkic/Mongol managed to write anything about the Crusades and medieval Europe. Yes, Western Eurocentric history, indeed.

12. Nicholas Steno

His Feats: Danish Catholic Bishop and major figure in the Catholic Counter-Reformation (enough to make him headed for sainthood) as well as tutor to the de Medici family and scientific pioneer in both anatomy and geology (that a device is named after him). In 1659, he resolved not to accept anything simply written in a book and decided to do the research himself. This self-study led him to become the father of geology and stratigraphy. Responsible for the recognition of geological strata and the theory that successive layers of geologic transformations (strata) contained a fossil record of life in chronological order.

Why He’s Ignored: Despite his many great achievements, he’s largely unknown which may be due to his religious zeal and the fact that the Catholic Church in the 17th century is best known for the Galileo Affair. Yet, even when his theological studies and religious duties caused him to put his natural science studies in the back seat, he never totally abandoned them and no one in the Catholic Church saw anything wrong with it. Still, his story doesn’t go well with some people’s point of view with the science vs. religion debate because Steno didn’t see such a conflict at least when it came to the his relationship with the Catholic Church in his later years. Was said to be a decent bishop though.

Ho, Ho, Ho, Holy Shit Christmas Vintage Advertising of Yesterday

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 27, 2014

In the wake of the Black Friday cavalcade (as well as the fact I have to get up incredibly early to work a 10 hour shift starting at 6 a. m., don’t ask for I’m not looking forward to it), it’s no surprise that every family in the United States is receiving a shit load of Christmas shopping ads in their newspapers. Let’s face it, once Halloween is over, chances are, you’re going to find Christmas advertising everywhere. And even in the stores, you can hear Christmas songs coming from the speakers non-stop as well as on some of the radio stations. Nevertheless, Christmas advertising has always been a holiday tradition in America since, well, longer than we’d like to admit. Still, while we tend to have some nostalgia for the ads we imagine as wholesome and family friendly, there are some ads that haven’t really aged well. And some of them may even contain a few disturbing implications as well as be unintentionally dirty and funny. I could go on and on about the nicer cutesy ads but chances are you’d be more inclined for the demented ones. So without further adieu, here are some of the most messed up vintage ads for your viewing pleasure.

1. “Every B. V. D. garment must satisfy completely” in threesomes.

I know this is an underwear ad but these two guys seem to be oddly happy for some reason. And I don’t think it has anything to do with the packages. Still, since its the 1950s, she’s totally not going to bed with both of them. Yeah right.

2. For the kids, Santa brings their very own toy multi-clip machine gun?

Yeah, I’m sure every young kid wants their very own toy machine gun for Christmas. Did Santa try to make sure that their parents weren’t part of some pacifist religion first? Still, I hope this ad wasn’t out during a time of war.

3. Sad that your sister’s boyfriend doesn’t see her anymore, then Santa thinks she must have bad breath.

Let’s dissect the situation:
1. Dan leaves Big Sis. He won’t say why. He just vanishes, leaving Big Sis a sniveling shell of her former self.
2. Big Sis’ loneliness and inner anguish is so palpable it prompts Little Sis to go to Santa for help.
3. Santa tells the child it’s all about her sister’s nauseating dragon breath. He says to get her to the dentist to quell the disgusting stench.
4. The dentist tells Big Sis that she’s got ass breath, and may actually need to brush her teeth on occasion. She does, and the shallowest boyfriend in history returns.
Talk about Santa and Dan being selfish assholes.

4. Make this Christmas “the best ever” for every boy. Give them a gun.

Seriously, real firearms make terrible Christmas gifts for children. I’m not sure if puppies are any better. Still, better to give your son a Rough Ridge BB Bun than anything that could actually kill people. Worst thing he could do with a BB Gun is shoot his eye out.

5. Good, golly, look what Santa brought for Christmas! Hand shoes!

Either that, or Susie can finally attempt a new trick she learned from gymnastics. Still, the way the girl has those slippers on her hands is kind of disturbing.

6. Bicycles: the best gift for any Christmas.

This girl is probably thinking: “The sooner Dalton starts riding this bicycle, the sooner I get his money. Nah-ha, ha, ha!” Yes, I don’t think this girl is up to any good and almost seems like she wants to strangle the guy in the chair.

7. Buster Brown Shoes: The gift that insures shapely, healthy feet-for life. Can’t say much about the guy’s face.

Seriously, what’s with the guy’s face? Looks like as if he’s been hit by some horse cart a few years back. Of course, it’s a shame his parents can’t afford to get him some plastic restoration surgery.

8. For Christmas-give her leisure-with a vacuum cleaner.

No way in hell would I consider a getting a vacuum leisure on my part. Rather it’s just a mechanism used to clean floors that make a lot of noise you can’t get away from. God, if I got one, the one who gave it to me will be sent to the ER.

9. Santa Claus’s daughter gets the best time of all from her father.

Wait a minute, Santa Claus has a daughter? I thought he and Mrs. Claus never had any kids. Still, how would Santa’s kids ever have a normal life? How would Santa manage to give gifts to all the girls and boys as well as make it to all to those PTA meetings?

10. Give her the gift of stockings and she’ll give you a moment of exhibitionism.

Man, seems like Santa is watching this woman trying on her new stockings. So is the old guy peeking from the door. Basically this ad is saying that all men are perverts. Even Santa Claus.

11. Get Dove Skin Undies so she could pass out Christmas presents in her underwear.

Dove: putting good looking models in their underwear ads before Victoria’s Secret. Still, you have to hand it to Dove that they have the guts to put their models in granny panties. Also, do those ornaments look like grenades?

12. Since Santa got his new Paris belt, he’s been on vacation and screwing blond chicks.

Yeah, I’m sure I’d find an old guy with a long white beard sexy, especially with a the blond chick next to him who certainly isn’t Mrs. Claus. Also, why is Santa smoking a big cigar in the plastic rimmed glasses?

13. Use this Shower Massage by Water Pik or else Santa might kill you.

Hey, I used one of those shower heads for years until perhaps a few years ago. It’s been replaced but I’m sure my parents still have it. Still, is Santa naked in this? Now that’s what I don’t want to see!

14. “Don’t do it Santa, for God’s sake! Don’t blow yourself up with a blunderbuss!”

Seriously, I’m sure reading Christmas letters may cause Santa a lot of stress. But why depict him in an ad for men’s shirt showing him wanting to shoot himself? I’m sure a guy would want a shit for Christmas. Yeah, right.

15. Watch your kids opening their presents, in spandex underwear?

Don’t get me wrong, the guy has a nice body. Still, he seems to have a creepy expression on his face, which suggests ill intent. And I don’t think those undies are helping him. At least the authorities have been notified.

16. Beat the Christmas holiday rush, get a tombstone.

Because if you think this might be your last Christmas, why don’t you just save your family the financial trouble? Still, I know why a tombstone company might want to advertise during Christmas. January is well known as a great month for the funeral business.

17. Celebrate Christmas like our ancestors did, with a flaming wheel.

Now this ad reminds me less of any Christmas carols and more of the Bob Dylan song, “This Wheel’s on Fire,” with:
“This wheel’s on fire
Rolling down the road
Best notify my next of kin
This wheel shall explode!”

18. Don’t look now, but Santa seems hungry for human flesh and is covering the neighborhood with Christmas lights.

Yes, yes, run from Santa. He needs your soft flesh to nourish him. Run away from those giant strings of Christmas lights. It’s a trap. Run, run for your lives.

19. Use 7 Up to pack the punch for your Christmas party.

Now I’m sure the guy is certainly too old for the girl in this. And I’m not sure if she’s a teenager or not. Still, hope that the punch isn’t alcoholic because I don’t have a good feeling about this. I mean I could hear, “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” looking at this ad.

20. May all your Alcoa products not only be useful in your home and hobbies but also double as sex toys.

Don’t look now but I think things are about to get kinky with the iron and the drill. Sure they may have unusual ways of keeping the spark alive but as Pope Francis said, who are we to judge?

21. Give a great gift for this Christmas, a set of silk satin one piece pajamas.

Now while these clothes are promoted as pajamas in this ad, they seem to be outfits you’d see Lady Gaga wear during one of her concerts. This is especially with the one with the puffy sleeves and the butterfly.

22. Give the gift every sportsman wants for Christmas, a gun.

Yeah, I’m sure a gun would make a great Christmas gift. What the fuck am I saying? Of course, it doesn’t! For God’s sake, as Christmas gifts, guns are worse than puppies! Jesus Christ, why?

23. To make it merry, make it Mojud, whatever that is.

Okay, looks like Santa has just picked up some high class hooker in his sleigh as a Christmas present for himself after spending one busy night delivering presents for the good boys and girls. Bad, bad, Santa. Naughty Santa. How dare you cheat on Mrs. Claus!

24. Make Christmas from the Chess King with a Santa dressed girl on his side and his sleigh being pulled by a couple of pegacorns.

Now this resembles nothing more than a cheesy hair band Christmas album cover from the 1980s or some fantasy Christmas Harlequin romance novel cover. Still, couldn’t resist including this one since it’s just so 1980s cheesy.

25. Seems like Santa approves of these women’s pants, so get them.

I don’t know about you, but is Santa checking these women out for some reason? Also, I don’t think he’s looking at their legs. What a perv. And this from Macy’s good God. I work there.

26. Even Mrs. Claus wants a new ironing table, which Santa will get her.

Wait a minute, that’s Mrs. Claus? Isn’t she supposed to be a more chunky old lady like Santa? Then again, this woman may be known as the “second Mrs. Claus” who Santa ditched the first one for. Poor woman. Still, I don’t like the look on his face in this ad. Guess the wife owes him something more of the carnal variety.

27. To merry people everywhere, drink Pepsi because Coke is for losers.

Since Marjorie couldn’t stand the feel of those ugly Christmas sweaters for the ugly holiday sweater party at his folks house, Jerry decided to give her one of the most hideous holiday lady hats he could find. And yes, that Christmas tree hat is dreadful but she loves it.

28. “And please, Santa, give Mommy a Hoover.”

I don’t know about you but I suspect something sketchy about this Santa Claus. I mean he seems more like he’s about to burst into a homicidal rampage than give presents to kids.

29. Buy a scale which is a beautiful way of saying “Merry Christmas.”

Seriously, all that giving your loved one a scale for Christmas is like a covert way of saying, "You're fat." Let's just say nobody wants to get a scale for Christmas. Not ever. For Christ's sake, what the fuck?

Seriously, all that giving your loved one a scale for Christmas is like a covert way of saying, “I think you’re fat so hop to it, chunky lugs.” Let’s just say nobody wants to get a scale for Christmas. Not ever. For Christ’s sake, what the fuck?

30. Get one of those Everready flashlights so Santa can see the kiddies while they’re sleeping.

Now I don’t know about you but this ad tends to make the idea of Santa with a flashlight quite terrifying. This is especially so since he’s holding it near his crotch.

31. Of course, Santa is real and we are all his puppets.

This is an ad for Weatherman’s Fountain Pen. Still, it’s pretty disturbing having all those people connected to Santa through wires on their bodies. So Santa is the ultimate puppetmeister.

32. Instead of leaving milk with those cookies for Santa, why don’t you just give him a bottle of Jack Daniels?

Of course, this ad may explain why some young girls received a jockstrap for Christmas and why some boys got a set of cosmetics by Estee Lauder. Yes, Santa was drunk off his ass on Christmas Eve so he sometimes doesn’t get the list demands straight.

33. Whenever Santa Claus makes his visits, he usually smokes Lucky Strikes.

Sure you may have to be good to get presents from Santa, this doesn’t mean Santa Claus has to be a great role model. Still, Lucky Strikes were known not to contain filters as well as give you lungs full of tar and an early death.

34. Nothing says Christmas like boys playing with trains in their underwear.

I don’t know about you but are there anything skeevy about this. My God, this is sick. Only weird boys played with toy trains in their undies whether they be boxers or tidy whiteys.

35. Santa says that Pall Mall cigarettes guard against throat scratch.

Yes, but side effects include yellow skin, yellow teeth, cancer, emphysema, COPD, cardiovascular disease, and early death. Also, bad, bad, Santa.

36. An Apple computer allows Santa and his elves handle the list much easier.

Now I don’t know about you but Santa kind of terrifies me in this one with his large eyes of death staring at the elves. Also, those elves kind of look like creepy lawn ornaments.

37. Give your loved one a pair of good ol’ reliable Golden Boots.

Is that supposed to be Santa or some kind of mythological fur covered Sasquatch hybrid. Or perhaps he’s some kind of mountain man who’s been up in the woods far too long. Either way, that guy is sure to haunt my dreams.

38. Don’t forget to decorate the outside of your house with Noma Lights.

I don’t know about you but that happy kid in the Santa suit seems like he’s about to use one of those lights to blow up your house. And he doesn’t seem to have any remorse for it. Why do these kids in these ads look so creepy?

39. Spoon tree decorations, now I haven’t seen that before.

If I went to a house where I found a Christmas tree covered with silver spoons, I’d think is this person on drugs? or I wonder what nuthouse these people came from.

40. Fellas, get a Gem Razor and Blades for your face and your girlfriend will let you stare at her large boobs for as long as you like.

Sure she’s looking at his handsome face while he’s staring at her well endowed bosom. Guess this fellow is getting laid tonight.

41. For your kids, get them a set of Christmas Morning Hero Underoos.

I don’t know about you but I don’t think having kids in their underwear pose with Santa is entirely appropriate. Seriously, who the hell thought that this photo op was a good idea?

42. Make Budweiser the beer to drink for this holiday season.

I’m sure this night will soon to degenerate with, “I really can’t stay.”
“But, baby, is cold outside.”
“I got to go home.”
“But, baby, it’s cold outside.” I guess you can figure it out from there.

43. Make this Christmas the happiest for your family with color TV.

Because why have those creepy clowns give you nightmares in black and white while they can scare the bejesus out of you in color? Like in the circus.

44. Hey, look, here’s Santa Claus drinking a bottle of Coca Cola with his sidekick Sprite Boy.

Now Sprite Boy was this bottle cap wearing goddamn evil albino child who's clearly asking you, the viewer to be complicit in the murder of Santa Claus by not warning him of the demon awaiting in the darkness behind. That demon? Diabetus.

Now Sprite Boy was this terrifying bottle cap wearing goddamn evil albino child who’s clearly asking you, the viewer to be complicit in the murder of Santa Claus by not Swarning him of the demon awaiting in the darkness behind. That demon? Diabetus.

45. So you see, kids, this Zippo lighter always works as well would make a perfect present for your chain smoking dad.

I’m sure demonstrating a cigarette lighter in front of the kids is a perfectly good idea. I’m the children won’t be getting ideas about setting their house on fire. Yeah right.

46. Share your home movies with this Revere movie projector.

“This is the part where I murdered our neighbor Bobby for being an asshole and not returning my tools. Let’s just say, I whacked him on the head with the shovel, dismembered is body, and spread his parts all over the lawn so his dogs might eat it. And my wife, Helen filmed the whole thing. It’s great family fun.”

47. Whenever Santa goes on his sleigh, he always has a sack full of Boswell’s Ale and Porter.

I don’t know about you but it seems that Santa Claus might have some alcohol dependency issues. I mean he has a sack full of booze and I know you can’t give children that.

48. O-o-oh, Santa, I just love that Micosheen shine!

I’ll have Cracked explain this situation, “There are three possible scenarios on display here:
1. Santa is so scandalized that he took his own life rather than endure another moment of gazing at the demon breasts. 2. The woman is extremely turned on by crime scenes and snuck into Santa’s suicide to rub one out. 3. Santa is so sexually jaded that the only way he can get off is to watch a woman satisfy herself with gargantuan, ornate cast-iron dildos while he practices autoerotic asphyxiation.” Still, how could anyone ever explain the situation to the Mrs. Claus? And yes, the ad is pixelated on the company’s website. Guess that woman’s see through nightie has a habit of getting men in red suits too excited for some reason. And this one is from 1956.

49. Wake up your husband Christmas morning with a Klaxon.

I know that whatever’s under the covers is supposed to be feet. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if the Klaxon horn could also be used to stop erections at inappropriate moments.

50. Cigarettes: a great gift for every adult on your Christmas list.

Yes, why keep all the tobacco related health problems to yourself while you can pass it onto all your friends in the car as well as your black driver’s who’s been asking you for a raise for months?

51. An extension phone saves you everyday effort so you can enjoy the holiday fun.

“I don’t think I have the time to hide the body with you today, Dolores. But I’m sure we can dump your brother Phil in the dumpster next Saturday. Tommy wants to take the kids Christmas shopping that day so I’ll have the place to myself.”

52. Isn’t that special? Bing Crosby trims a “Friendship Tree.”

Of course, Bing Crosby is also known to be one of the shittiest parents in Hollywood said to be cold, cruel, remote as well as physically and emotionally abusive to his four sons from his first marriage (this is disputed within his own family though). Also, left them out of getting any money until they reached 65. Also, Christmas cards are quite flammable.

53. Help yourself to good taste with Budweiser.

Hey, I didn’t know that Santa Claus was quite the chef in the North Pole kitchen. Always thought Mrs. Claus did the cooking and she mostly made cookies like you’d expect. Maybe Santa’s healthier than most people expect.

54. Bless your hearth by putting Necco in your kids’ stockings.

Look, I put this candy among the items trick or treaters don’t want to get for Halloween. So if your child doesn’t like to receive Neccos in his Halloween treat bag, then he wouldn’t want one in his Christmas stocking.

55. Get these Atkins saws so you may cut a cow’s head off.

Seriously, what’s the deal with putting cows in an ad for a saw? It makes who ever receives the saw seem psychotic. Still, if any child receives this, then he’s bound to kill animals and you want your brat to have the best, don’t you? I’m sure Pam Voorhes gave a similar gift to her son Jason.

56. These Christmas decorations will give you a barrel of good cheer this holiday season.

All I have to ask is this, what the hell happened to Santa’s clothes? I mean he’s wearing a barrel! Still, I don’t want to see a naked Santa, please.

57. For Christmas, treat yourself to these flaming ice cream snowballs.

I wonder how these ice cream balls manage to retain their shape while the candle is still in them. I mean I’d expect the ice cream to melt near a source of heat, would I? Also, fire is dangerous, especially near children.

58. Now here’s Santa enjoying a Coke near a Christmas train set.

Seems like the local Toyland police have finally caught up with him. I’m sure these pilots’ fates won’t be pretty.

59. Merry Christmas, from the Santa’s bell hop assistant, the Phillip Morris delivery boy.

Now it’s one thing for Santa to be on tobacco ads for the Christmas season. But at least Santa Claus is an adult. Yet, having a kid advertise for tobacco, well, that’s just incredibly disturbing. Also, that boy is rather terrifying as if he wants to kill people with lung cancer.

60. Nice to see couples decorating the tree this Christmas.

After the tree decorating is over, I’m sure things between the two are about to get really, really awkward. Hope they just get a room already. Still, this would be a better ad if it was promoting Cialis.

61. Ladies, what better gift to give your husband than a month’s supply of Lucky Strikes?

“Don’t worry about me, honey, just smoke as much as you want. After all, we have a $100,000 life insurance policy so I’m sure everything’s going to be fine.”

62. “Gee, Dad! A Winchester!”

Yes, I’m sure a Winchester makes a great gift for the adolescent teenage boy who seems to be on the brink of starting a homicidal rampage for his own amusement. Seriously, guns make horrible Christmas gifts.

63. Nothing says Christmas than plastic wrap.

Yeah, I’m sure that plastic ponchos make a great Christmas gift even if they do look ridiculous. Still, I don’t think the housewife seems very happy in this illustration. Yet, I’m sure those materials aren’t very good for the environment.

64. Give your girl the gift of a shaving razor for her legs.

For God’s sake, is that mistletoe on her foot? If not, then what the hell is it and who the hell thought that this image would make a good ad idea? Seriously, this is crazy.

65. For the ladies, I’m sure an H & R rifle would do quite nicely.

This woman seems like there’s something wrong with her. I mean seeing her hold the gun, it makes me think that she can’t contain any excitement to use it, especially toward her mortal enemies.

66. If you don’t know what to give to the man in your life, perhaps this gift set would do just fine.

This ad doesn’t explicitly say what this set pertains to but I’m sure your man will love it. Believe, me I tried to look up the product and I still don’t know if it’s a men’s grooming set, coffee set, or booze set. Seriously, I don’t.

67. Santa comes bearing a gift that keeps on giving: Swiss Army Knives.

And it seems that Santa is so overexcited about giving them away as if he’s saying, “Hey, kiddies, why don’t you take a look at this?”

68. Places Santa Claus doesn’t visit: Homes with bad kids and places with a leaky faucet.

So, kiddos, remember to tell your parents to check the plumbing before Christmas or else, Santa won’t visit you. Yes, the only sound Santa can’t stand is leaky pipes.

69. What could be nice on Christmas than two dogs sharing an alcoholic drink under the mistletoe?

From the look from the Scottie’s face, it seems like things are about to get frisky. Still, remember what Bob Barker always said, “Control the pet population. Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets.” Because we all know what would happen if you don’t.

70. Remember, fellas, a girl’s best friend is her refrigerator.

So men, be smart this season. Instead of giving your girl the traditional jewelry piece, I’m sure your money would go to better use for appliances. Even though they may cost more than a diamond ring in the long run. Still, I was only being sarcastic because appliances should really be gifts for the whole family since everyone uses them.

The Wonderful World of Amigurumi

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 26, 2014

Amigurumi is the Japanese art of knitting and crocheting small stuffed animals and anthropomorphic creatures. In fact, the word amigurumi itself means, “knitted stuffed doll” in Japanese. Traditionally renderings in such a style tend to be animals but can also include artistic renderings or inanimate objects with anthropomorphic features as is typical Japanese culture. And like a lot of things in Japan, a key characteristic to amigrurumi is cuteness in which figures usually have a round head that’s disproportionally larger than their bodies. Since 2003, amigurumi has become popular to the masses outside its native range that such items are now the most popular pieces. Not only that, but amigurumi figures are being made by people outside Japan as well. And it’s easy to see why. In this post, you will see many amigurumi figures of all shapes and sizes whether it be in the traditional cutesy style, renderings of pop culture aspects, or those having a demented spin that wouldn’t appeal to children. Some will be perfectly appropriate as children’s toys while others, not so much. Nevertheless, for your viewing pleasure, I give you a glimpse into the wonderful world of amigurumi.

1. To kick things off, here’s a nice little crocheted Abominable Snowman.

Now while the one on the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special was quite intimidating, this yeti is more like "the Abomibadorable Snowman" to me.

Now while the one on the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer special was quite intimidating, this yeti is more like “the Abombinadorable Snowman” to me.

2. For the girl who believes in fairy tales, here’s amigurumi crocheted princess doll.

Sure she may be a lovely princess but she also seems to be from a more ethnically diverse background than most Disney princesses who are usually white. Let’s just say Disney has no Asian, Indian (India), Hispanic, or Polynesian princesses whatsoever.

3. For the redhead girl in all of us, meet Emily.

Now she seems the perfect little doll you’d want to give your niece, daughter, or cousin. Still, if Madeline had a granddaughter, she’d look like this.

4. Grace your Christmas tree with this cute crocheted angel.

I’ve seen a lot of angel amigurumi on Google Images. Of course, the biggest disadvantage of having them as a tree topper is that they don’t light up. Yet, that may be easily remedied.

5. Bunny Norman Bates sure loves his mother if you know what I mean.

Of course, only those who've watched Psycho would get this. Still, keep it away from blonde women in showers, especially in hotels that use taxidermy as decor.

Of course, only those who’ve watched Psycho would get this. Still, keep it away from blonde women in showers, especially in seedy desolate motels in the Southwest US that use taxidermy as decor.

6. As with almost every post on crafts, I’d always have to include one featuring Star Wars.

Playset is only available to those who live a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Also, the Han Solo one always shoots first for some reason.

7. Now here’s a nice little dark hair doll for a young girl.

Now it seems this one is made with realistic looking hair. Yet, she looks kind of awkward that she lacks a nose and mouth. I mean how does she even eat?

8. Whether it be for little girls or young men, crocheted My Little Pony toys make the perfect gifts.

Let’s just hope these My Little Pony toys go to young girls. I mean the very idea of adult men being into My Little Pony is rather disturbing if you ask me. I mean College Humor made quite a few videos mocking it.

9. Now these two sure make a cute couple don’t they?

I see a lot of wedding amigurumi figures as well. Still, while cute, I hope the bride and groom would treasure these forever and not let any of their children play with them. You have no idea what kids can do to toys.

10. It’s a pug! It’s a bee! It’s Pugbee!

Now I’m sure it’s cute but I can’t tell whether it’s a mutant from some genetic experiment or a dog in a Halloween costume.

11. If your kid is scared of shots, why don’t give him or her this adorable little nurse doll?

Now this nurse won’t keep you away from germs but I’m sure she’ll make everything feel better. Still, we know nurses nowadays don’t wear that stereotypical outfit.

12. Behold, I give you the Bride of Frankenstein.

Hate to say this but in Bride of Frankenstein, I’m not sure she was green but she was certainly not happy getting matched up with Boris Karloff’s character. And while Frankenstein let his creator and wife escape, him and his bride both died.

13. Now this little bunny would make a great Easter decoration or gift.

Of course, this little bunny was certainly inspired by Hello! Kitty. Yet, at least this one isn’t as creepy as the costumed Easter Bunnies.

14. Now I suppose that this is one of the cutest little peacocks I’ve ever seen.

Even though this little peacock is a little girl’s toy, it’s very obvious this little crocheted stuffed animal is a boy. Seriously, peacocks don’t lay eggs and are built with such a feathered train to attract peahens for mates.

15. These crocheted minons almost look like those from Despicable Me.

Of course, minions are a very popular craft subject in a lot of forms. Perhaps it’s because they’re so cute an very easy to make.

16. Now this little panda is simply as adorable as the real thing.

Of course, while pandas are considered cute due to their black and white composition and bear like appearance, they nevertheless are endangered in China. And I’m sure the pollution there doesn’t help.

17. Looks like Pooh and Tigger have been crocheted straight out of the Hundred Acre Wood.

I don’t know about you but I think these are almost perfect replicas of the real Disney cartoon characters. Of course, the book illustrations not so much.

18. I’m sure the marshmallows aren’t going to like us making smores.

I’m sure the shaded part is already burned and one of the marshmallows is already dead. And I’m sure the others are fearing an upcoming infernal demise.

19. There’s a happy face in the cheese pizza.

Let’s hope the cutter doesn’t do anything to this pizza. Still, I think it’s very cute if you know what I mean. Of course, I’m sure the cheese and tomato sauce bit isn’t made from yarn.

20. Oh, great, it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.

Now this chrocheted marshmallow titan is much cuter and happier than the one in Ghostbusters. Yet, his appearance is one of the great highlights in the film.

21. Since Frozen is so popular I’m sure any little girl would want a crocheted stuffed Anna and Elsa doll.

I know that Elsa and Anna didn't have button eyes, but they're so cute just the same. Still, we're sure that every little girl wanted to be Elsa for Halloween this year.

I know that Elsa and Anna didn’t have button eyes, but they’re so cute just the same. Still, we’re sure that every little For girl wanted to be Elsa for Halloween this year that there was even a New Yorker cartoon depicting Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon dressed as her.

22. For breakfast, it’s best that you have your bacon and eggs sunny side up.

Luckily, you don’t have your bacon and eggs smile at you in the morning. Else, you might be quite disturbed enough to think twice.

23. From the Lord of Hell to a cuddly plush toy, Satan has done it all.

I’m sure this Satan goat doll with bare breasts isn’t going to make an appropriate children’s toy by any stretch of the imagination. Still, demented but cuddly.

24. While Bambi’s mom got shot by hunters, he was cut in sections by a meat cleaver.

For kids who haven’t seen Bambi: Don’t worry, little ones, contrary to this exhibit, Bambi doesn’t die in the movie. Yet, this doesn’t stop the film from having other scary moments.

25. Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.

As with Star Wars, I’m sure I’ve put a lot of Beatles craft renditions on my blog. This one is from the Fab Four years such as you’d see from A Hard Day’s Night. You can tell which one is which.

26. Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, beauty and the beast.

Now these are adorable renditions of Belle and the Beast. Still, Beauty and the Beast was one of my favorite Disney films as a little girl.

27. My I introduce to you: Spongebob Squarepants, Suicide Bomber Under the Sea.

Guess kids shouldn’t be watching Spongebob Squarepants. He’s probably not a great role model committing acts of terror at the expense of his own life. Man, what were they thinking?

28. Looks like Bert couldn’t put up with Ernie’s drinking habits anymore.

So yes, alcohol can ruin lives and relationships, even on Sesame Street. Now Ernie is basically a homeless bum forever begging with change with his rubber duckie in one hand and a bottle of booze in another.

29. I give you Carrie Bear.

While the Care Bears are relatively nice and usually even tempered, Carrie Bear has telekinetic powers and will certainly make your life hell on earth if you make her snap. Let’s just say that dumping red paint on her is a very bad idea, indeed.

30. Nothing embodies the holiday spirit at this time of year than the Pumpkin King, Jack Skellington.

Seems that people can’t get enough of Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas, which is a masterpiece in animation. Still, you can’t really hate Jack Skellington for wanting to do Christmas. Even if he does deliver presents of shrunken heads to children.

31. Let’s just say being a cojoined sister is tough, especially when entering a convent wasn’t your idea.

Then again, even if one of them didn’t want to enter the convent, could you imagine what would it be like if one of them got married?

32. Travel to a whole new world with this crocheted Aladdin and Jasmine amigurumi dolls.

Now that’s another movie I used to enjoy as a young girl. Of course, while Aladdin had Abu, Genie, and a magic carpet, Jasmine had her pet tiger Rajah and her senile sultan dad. Still, got to love her yarn hair.

33. Now these two dolls certainly love to shine and look their best.

Of course, while amigurumi figures are mostly knitted and crocheted, sometimes the clothes aren’t as in this case. Still, they’re both pretty cute and rather dressy.

34. How would you like to have a jar of pickles smiling at you every day in a jar?

Just stay in the brine, guys. Of course, one day you’ll be taken out of the bridge to be chopped up and put on somebody’s burger. So enjoy it while you can.

35. Don’t look now but I think Count Dracula has come to suck your blood.

Let’s just say while he may be a menacing vampire who can scare the bejesus out of people in the movies, he isn’t nearly as much as a amigurumi. Actually, more cute than scary. Yet, still better than Edward Cullen, that’s for sure.

36. Of course, isn’t this bejeweled girl dazzling?

Sure she may have a crocheted dress on but still, you’d have to admit she’s quite cute in that outfit and hat. And she’s certainly appropriate to give to a young girl for Christmas.

37. Here’s Bob Ross painting his little mountain scene with his happy little trees.

Still, while I know it’s Bob Ross, I kind of wish the person making this gave him more of an afro like he had in real life. Still, he did paint those lovely paintings like that on his show.

38. Don’t look now kids, but I think that’s the Goblin King with Toby in Labyrinth.

For people like me growing up in the 1990s, Jareth the Goblin King is probably the main reason of what we know David Bowie as. Still, whoever made this got his hair right on.

39. And now, may I present to you Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Let’s just say, Johnny Depp has made a lot of money playing the captain of the Black Pearl. Still, I’ve seen a lot of crocheted figures of Jack Sparrow when compiling stuff for this post. This is the one I just liked the best.

40. For those who remember, this is a crocheted Pee Wee Herman from his Playhouse show.

For those who forget, Pee Wee Herman was this lovable kids show host from the 1980s who had Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Sadly, his career faltered when he was caught with his pants down while watching porn in a theater. And I’m not making this up.

41. Check out these amigurumi dolls in the traditional Japanese style.

Of course, these are all Japanese women and girls in their little kimonos and all. Yet, by Japanese standards during the Heian period, these ladies are way underdressed.

42. For those with green thumbs, perhaps you can give them this little garden gnome crocheted toy.

I don’t know about you but this is way cuter than any real garden gnome I’ve ever seen. Looks like Santa Claus in a little smurf outfit.

43. I give you Gender Bender from Futurama.

Yes, this is Bender from Futurama in drag. And no, I don’t think this one is for kids by any means, Still, pretty funny and I’m sure young man would love this.

44. Behold, the Grim Reaper coming to take your soul away.

For an angel of death, I have to admit, he’s pretty damn cute. Still, when he’s played by Max Von Sydow, he’s one hell of a chess player like in The Seventh Seal.

45. Bring magic to your life with this little crocheted Harry Potter.

Of course, everyone would prefer that I put up a picture of some amigurumi Snape, Hagrid, or Dumbledore since everyone seems to like them better in addition to Ron and Hermione.

46. This piece is known as, “Horse Shoots Horse.”

Reminds me of something I’d see in that hilariously bad children’s book Latawnya the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs. Yeah, it’s the one containing pictures of horses drinking booze and smoking cigarettes. It’s basically the Reefer Madness to children’s books.

47. Rejoice for the Lord Jesus has risen!

Sure I’m a Catholic Christian but I can’t pass any stuff pertaining to Jesus for my blog posts. Still, he’s very cute as a crocheted finger puppet you wouldn’t want to put in a Passion play.

48. Grace your home for the holidays with this lovely little crocheted nativity scene.

Now this is the perfect nativity scene for those who have small children running around the house. At least you don’t have to worry about anything getting broken. Oh, and at least the kids could play with the figures. This one is taken from Matthew’s Gospel by the way.

49. Just a happy little sewing machine.

Of course, this is probably one of the few sewing machines in existence that was almost totally made by hand. Still, it’s quite cute if you know what I mean.

50. Who knew that fast food could be so happy?

Now this is pretty cute, despite that these foods aren’t really good for you in real life. Seriously, eat enough of them and you’ll sure die from some cardiovascular disease.

51. For a young girl, you might want to give her this crocheted doll of Tatiana from The Princess and the Frog.

Say what you want about Disney but I think The Princess and the Frog is a movie that’s way better suited for young girls than the original Grimm story it’s based on. At least the movie didn’t have a moral that goes, “if a guy does something nice for you, you owe him sex,” which the original story certainly did.

52. May I present to you the ever imcomprable Ziggy Stardust.

Hard to believe this is my second David Bowie amigurumi I put on this post already. Yet, I’m sure anyone who’s listened to “2001: A Space Oddity” would love it. I mean it’s very cute.

53. For those opting for foreign cuisine how about some amigurumi take out?

Of course, whoever made this isn’t from China or Japan. I mean they have little crocheted sushi bits with a Chinese take out box or a fortune cookie, which is actually an American invention if you know what I mean.

54. While good kids get presents from Santa Claus, really bad kids get kidnapped by the Krampus.

Now the Krampus isn’t a Christmas tradition we have in the United States. But it is popular in certain areas of Europe. Still, this little girl doesn’t seem very happy by any means.

55. Now this group is perhaps among one of the best crocheted teams Marvel has ever assembled.

Hard to believe that the guy who played Thor has recently become the Sexiest Man Alive according to People Magazine. Of course, I’m sure the other guys in the Avengers would disagree about that in years to come.

56. No holiday season would be complete without crocheted figures of Santa and Mrs. Claus.

Now don’t these two make an adorable couple? I mean look at their matching outfits for God’s sake. Still, nobody can’t love Santa besides possibly small children.

57. Watch these onigiri do make a snowflake star together.

Now I’m sure that onigiri are Japanese rice bowls combined with seaweed. Might also a be a vegetarian’s equivalent to sushi but I’m not so sure about that. Still, you have to admire the cuteness in arrangement.

58. For you Audrey Hepburn fans, here’s a crocheted figure of her as Holly Golightly from Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

Now though I like Audrey Hepburn, I’m not a fan of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Sure Audrey’s pretty and her clothes are nice but it’s just that it doesn’t have much of a plot and that Mickey Rooney plays a very offensive Japanese stereotype.

59. If you’re into Ancient Rome and its Empire, here’s an amigurumi of a Roman centurion.

Now I’m not sure whether I’d want to name him “Bickus Dickus” or “Nautius Maximus.” Decisions, decisions. Still, what have the Romans ever done for us?

60. Now this piece is called, “Santa Clawed” which combines two things I like: Christmas and Alfred Hitchcock.

Man, I’m sure as hell those doves aren’t getting anything for Christmas this year. And I’m sure Santa really needs to see the ophthalmologist.

61. Now what little kid wouldn’t go crazy over this cute little penguin?

Yes, this little guy is certainly adorable with its rosy cheeks. I’m sure anyone would think it makes a nice gift for a child. I mean you just want to take this little penguin home, too. I understand.

62. Finally, a puppy that would simply tug at your heartstrings.

Of course, a stuffed puppy is the only kind of dog you should give your kids for Christmas. Live puppies are a horrible idea and most of them get abandoned anyway.

Of course, a stuffed puppy is the only kind of dog you should give your kids for Christmas. Live puppies are a horrible idea and most of holiday pups get abandoned anyway.

63. Have a fiesta with these crocheted Mexican food items.

I love the little Mexican mustache on the taco figure. Oh, and I suppose that’s a bottle of tequila behind that and the nachos in guacamole.

64. I now give you the happy little guillotine.

This little blade seems quite happy chopping people’s heads off with the pull of a string. I’m not sure about the state of mind for the executioner though.

65. Seems like that putty tat Sylvester finally caught Tweety if you know what I mean.

Looks like Tweety is going to meet a grisly end by being cooked in a boiling soup pot and served to Sylvester’s dinner guests. It’s a shame.

66. So you see, kids, unicorns do puke rainbows.

On one hand, this is rather disgusting. Yet, on the other hand, it’s actually quite pretty. I mean how can we hate rainbows and unicorns? Seriously.

67. Now this is how Walter and Jesse cook meth.

Both these guys come with their own removable suit and Walter has his hat. Also, when you take Walter’s yellow suit off, he has no pants. Just his tidy whiteys.

68. Now this girl seems all dressed up and ready to play in the snow.

Since I love purple, I would certainly have wanted a little doll like this when I was a little girl. Still, she’s just so cute with her dark yarn hair.

69. Anyone want to build a snowman?

Now that’s a cute snowman to put on your mantlepiece. Even better is that it doesn’t come with a corn cob pipe.

70. This little crocheted Indiana Jones goes globetrobbing for priceless artifacts.

I suppose that this little guy is also expert with a bull whip, hate snakes, destroys ancient buildings for trinkets, and is a really shitty professor.

71. Now these owl amigurumi figures are certainly worth hooting for.

Because not only are the incredibly adorable, they also come in a lot of different shapes, sizes, and colors. There’s even a purple one.

72. Seems like Raggedy Ann has gone off the deep end.

Either that, or this is the love child between Raggedy Ann and Freddy Kreuger. And I hope it’s the latter because I don’t want to see Raggedy Ann be someone who appeared to escape Arkham Asylum.

73. Of course, you can’t have an amigurumi post without including Japanese icon Hello Kitty.

I was going to put up a picture of Hello Kitty committing sepukku on this post. Yet, I decided against it for reasons I can’t really disclose on this blog. Still, she’s totally a cat but cute though.

74. Is is just me or is that the evil penguin from Wallace and Gromit?

I’m sorry Feathers McGraw but there’s no way in hell that putting a rubber glove on your head could convince me that you’re a chicken. I mean, you’re not fooling anybody (save perhaps Wallace).

75. In Hawaii, you might be delighted to see this little girl in the grass skirt.

Of course, I’m sure this is probably the only thing made of wool a young girl in Hawaii would probably have considering the state’s climate and all. Still, she’s simply adorable beside the old style bus I believe.

76. Check out this amigurumi of Mulan, from the Disney movie.

This is Mulan at the point of the movie before she started crossdressing and joining the army in her father’s place. Still, please don’t consider her a princess because she certainly isn’t by any means.

77. Man, what ran over this possum really caused it to spew its guts out.

Actually, I’ve seen a lot of roadkill on my road during my walks. And let me tell you, I’ve seen a lot worse when it comes to dead possums. Besides, I don’t consider possums cute by any means at all.

78. Now I’m sure this little crocheted doll is a perfect prima ballerina.

Still, while I don’t really get dancing and ballet at all, I have to admit this doll is so cute. Also, like how she reflects in the mirror. She seems so happy. Wait until she realizes that dancers don’t have long careers, unless they perform at some seedy joint like the Filly Corral.

79. Look at that cute little mermaid lounging on the beach.

Sure she’s adorable and makes a great gift for a young girl. But whatever you do, don’t put her near water. Seriously, you don’t want to do that to stuffed toys.

80. Now doesn’t this girl make a pretty little snowflake in her little snowflake dress?

Yes, she’s a snowflake girl. And no, she’s not Snow Queen’s daughter to a Mexican bandito. At least I hope she’s not. Still, she’s really cute if you know what I mean.

The Wonderful World of Bath Soaps

Posted by historymaniacmegan on November 22, 2014

As we all know, soap is a rather essential product in our every day living. After all, we use soap to clean ourselves with whenever we take a bath or shower. We also use it for dishes, our clothes, and our spaces. It also comes in forms like bars, salts, liquids. and powder detergent. Still, while most people view soap as a cleaning agent to wash things and people with, this doesn’t stop people from using it for creative artistic expression. Mostly they’d make their own soap designs as gifts, but sometimes you’d wonder. Still, what I’m about to show you are the many designs which people and companies have made and manufacture. So without further adieu, here are some uniquely designed soaps for your viewing pleasure. Of course, we’ll be seeing designs from bath soap, naturally.

1. Heard of soap on a rope? Well, here’s soap on a roll.

Actually, using your toilet roll as a soap dispenser might come in handy. Except I would need the roll for toilet paper.

2. A little butter on your toast, perhaps?

Okay, it’s soap so I’m probably not going to eat that. Still, I can’t tell whether the yellow stuff is butter or melted cheese. Seems more like melted cheese to me.

3. You’ve heard about growing a mustache. How about washing with one?

Available in brown and pink, apparently. And no, you can’t eat them though they do resemble chocolates if you know what I mean.

4. Man, can’t believe you can have money in your soap.

It’s going to take me a hell of a long time to get my $10 back. And even then, I’m not sure if I can use it to buy anything.

5. Smell like a tropical paradise with some coconut soap.

I don’t know about you, but that resembles more of a ball of cream filled chocolate than a coconut to me. And it seems delicious unlike real coconut.

6. For a great gift for your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, how about a nice chocolate heart soap?

Of course, your girlfriend will get mad at you when she realizes that it’s soap and not chocolate. This is especially true if that girlfriend is me.

7. Hey, would you want some fries with your Burger King order?

Still, eating these fries might cause you to cough out soap bubbles when you try to wash them down. Also, won’t taste in any way like French fries.

8. And now, scrub yourself clean with soap kebabs.

Now while this is pretty creative, I’m sure it’s now for kids. I mean the skewers can be quite sharp and poke somebody’s eye out.

9. How about some popcorn for the movie?

Then again, this popcorn soap may be better suited to wash yourself after you come back from the movies smelling of real popcorn and who knows what else.

10. Jesus Christ came to this world to cleanse the world from sin as well as died on the cross for it. Now you can have Jesus on a rope cleanse your body, face, and naughty bits.

Now this is just priceless. Still, knowing it’s Jesus on a rope, I can’t just pass this one up. Let’s just say, I can have a lot of fun with this one but I also don’t want to say anything inappropriate either.

11. As 96.1 KISS FM always said, “It’s peanut butter jelly time.”

Compared to real sandwiches, these PB&J soaps seem to be much neater than the real thing. Of course, you wouldn’t want to eat this one since it may kill you.

12. Nothing cleans better than a bunch of disembodied baby hands.

Now this is creepy. Seriously, baby hands? Who the hell thought this would be a great soap idea? There’s no way I’d want to clean my armpits with the hand of a 9 month old!

13. Love may stink but the soap shall set you clean.

Of course, you don’t want to give this soap to your sweetheart on Valentine’s Day would you? Might send the wrong message.

14. Sometimes the path to good hygiene is just a click away.

Still, I’m sure that these mice may not be great for your computer, but they will sure do you wonders in the shower. Also, a great way to tell your local IT guy that he freaking stinks.

15. Of course, you can’t leave without grabbing a drumstick of soap, that is.

Nevertheless, hope rubbing yourself with this soap in the shower doesn’t make you smell like garlic or seasoning. The marinade may smell great on a real chicken, but not so much on you, except to a cannibal.

16. For the Jew in your life, may I suggest to you a matzo ball soap as a gift for Chanukah?

I don’t think matzo balls are that big. Still, it’s interesting it comes with its own box with a stereotypically Jewish guy on it and Hebrew lettering.

17. Now having a Tyrannosaurus Rex soap will make you cleaner than you’ve ever been since 65 million years ago.

Still, this would make a great gift for a young boy since boys tend to go crazy over dinosaurs. Well, unless that special little boy in your life tends to be the kid from Jurassic Park.

18. Summer is the time of frozen treats on a popsicle stick whether they have ice cream or not.

Of course, these are soaps. Yet, this hasn’t stopped one person from biting into the ice cream sandwich one.

19. Looks like Fido needs a treat.

Then again, this might be better used to clean Fido than to feed him. In fact, feeding him this bone soap may poison him. And now you know.

20. Of course, since everyone loves bacon, we just have to have bacon soap.

Of course, sometimes it’s better to eat bacon than to smell like it. I mean no one wants to smell like bacon grease since it may attract the neighborhood dogs.

21. Now here’s a soap of a Japanese sumo wrestler.

Please tell me he’s wearing a loin cloth under there. I know it’s really hard to tell due to the that he’s so morbidly obese like most sumo wrestlers.

22. For Valentine’s Day, try out these cute little candy soap hearts.

Of course, the real Valentine’s Day heart candies are very much inedible anyway as well as made by Necco, a company known for its bad candies. Still, this might be a better gift than real candy hearts.

23. Be up to your Easter Sunday best with these colored egg soaps.

It’s clever that these come in a little egg carton. However, I wish they had one of them in purple. Still, at least they won’t become egg salad once the Easter season is gone.

24. My mama always said life is like a box of chocolate soaps because you never know what you’re going to get.

Couldn’t resist the Forrest Gump reference. Still, unlike real assorted chocolates, at least you don’t have to worry what you’re going to get with using these soaps. I mean they all have the same contents.

25. Now there’s nothing better to scrub your hands than some hand soap on a rope.

Then again, when I mentioned “hand soap on a rope” this isn’t really the kind I had in mind. Still, looks like something you’d see in the Addams family bathroom or something.

26. Now here’s some soaps of hot spicy peppers you’d put in Mexican food.

I’m sure while most people love Mexican food to some extent, I’m sure that no one wants to smell like it. And I’m certainly sure no one wants to smell like chili or jalapeno peppers either.

27. Now here’s the soap of a true wiener.

Hey, at least this soap resembles a wiener dog or dachshund. Still, anyone who assumed differently ought to get their minds out of the gutter.

28. Now these pig soaps may come straight out of Old McDonald’s farm.

However, despite how nice these pig soaps may smell, they won’t be able to make you smell better if you work on a pig farm. Believe me, I watched Waking Ned Devine on that one.

29. If you or your kids love Legos, they’d love these soaps of Legos blocks.

Unlike real Legos, it won’t hurt you when you step on them. Well, eventually. But stepping on one of these in the shower will make you slip and perhaps fall.

30. Now here’s some great soaps of water lilies.

Now I don’t know about you but these soap waterlilies are simply stunningly amazing. In fact, they almost seem to resemble the real thing so closely.

31. These skull and cross bones soaps would be a great gift for a pirate.

Still, if you read about my movie history post on the Golden Age of Piracy, you may get the impression that many 17th-early 18th century pirates had so atrocious hygiene habits that your average pirate ship would make the 1969 Woodstock concert seem like Mr. Monk’s apartment.

32. For those who work at a nuclear facility, I’m sure this radioactive soap and sponge kit would make a great gift.

Now luckily, using this kit to clean yourself won’t lead you to radiation exposure. Of course, I can’t say the same about venturing near Chernobyl, Fukishima, or the Waltz Mill Westinghouse building near the Madison KOA. Yes, I know there was a nuclear meltdown at Waltz Mill in the 1970s.

33. May shower time never be the same with these rainbow heart soaps.

Now I don’t know about you but I can’t see why anybody shouldn’t love rainbows, especially on hearts. Still, these are so pretty and cute. Hope they smell good, too.

34. Now I’m sure these cupcake soaps are a real treat.

However, I must warn you don’t ever use these cupcake soaps as real treats if you know what I mean. Still, they’re still pretty cute. Especially so with flowers, sprinkles, and cherries on top.

35. All right, leggo my soapy eggo if you dare.

Yes, this is waffle soap. And no, I’m not sure if it tastes like maple syrup. That, or whether the maple syrup on that is actually solid soap either.

36. For Ocktoberfest, clean yourself with these soaps of beer and pretzels.

Every German bar should have these in their bathrooms during the Ocktoberfest. Still, I’m sure that the beer is soap though I don’t know what to make of the pretzels. I mean they seem kind of real to me.

37. Treat yourself to these sticky bun cinnamon roll soaps.

Okay, now just looking at these sticky bun soaps is now making me hungry. And I know these are soaps too. They look so real yet like the real thing, not very good for you.

38. Finally, chocolate cookie soaps.

Then again, I’d rather have the real chocolate chip cookies than soaps of them. I mean I really love chocolate chip cookies, especially when they’re fresh out of the oven.

39. And now, the new Apple iPhone.

Whoever thought this was a real iPhone is bound to be disappointed when they realize that none of the buttons don’t work. Also, when it gathers suds in the shower.

40. Bath time will never be the same again with this Nintendo Wii soap.

Of course, while great for bath time and possibly smelling nice, it’s probably not as fun as having a real Wii. Still, at least it won’t electrocute you in the tub.

41. I give you Oreo cookie soaps.

Let me make this perfectly clear. Don’t use these Oreos to dunk in milk or eat them. Believe me, you don’t want anyone to call the poison hotline on you.

42. Here are some doughnut soaps with different colors of icing.

These would be great soaps for bathrooms at doughnut joints and police stations. Then again, perhaps police tend to have healthier eating habits than we think.

43. Scrub your way into the shower with an old time Nintendo game controller.

Of course, this might be better for scrubbing your arm pits than beating your friend at Super Mario Bros.

44. Of course, we always need to scrub our fingers.

Yet, I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with cleaning myself with finger soaps. Seriously, this seems to be rather disturbing.

45. Well, let’s settle into some delicious pepperoni pizza.

Oh, wait. This is soap. Better put in the bathroom before I forget it’s not edible. I might need my stomach pumped if I take a bite out of this.

46. For your Halloween Party, I’m sure stocking your bathroom with eyeball soaps may do.

Then again, I’m sure you might not want to get the eyeball soaps out when the kids are awake. Still, pretty disgusting and creepy.

47. Of course, I’m sure the NRA has their bathrooms stocked with these pistol soaps.

Still, I’m sure using this gun soap to fake a suicide attempt is a common occurrence. Yet, I hope people don’t mistake the real gun for this, especially in the shower. It wouldn’t be pretty.

48. If you need to defend yourself, here’s a soap of brass knuckles.

Then again, I don’t think soap knuckles would stand a chance against any kind of metal knuckle imaginable. Yet, a rather good imitation of brass knuckles if you know what I mean. Not to mention, perfectly safe for kids.

49. Look, it’s cheese soap. And man, there are a lot of different types.

I’m sure any of these soap cheeses would make a great addition for any bathroom in Wallace and Gromit’s house. This is especially so with the Wensleydale soap.

50. Have a steady supply of soap with this lovely sushi soap set.

This way you wouldn’t just know how to keep clean, but you’d learn how to use chopsticks as well. This would especially come in handy the next time you visit a Japanese restaurant.

51. Add a little color to your bathroom with these crayon soaps.

Now if only they came in more colors than these. Because I’d really like a purple one. Still, great for kids.

52. Now the first rule of Fight Club is that nobody talks about Fight Club.

If you’ve seen the movie, you’d know what this soap references. Still, let’s just say I don’t want to see that movie again.

53. Well, that looks like a tasty croissant roll.

Oh, wait, that’s soap. Still, do they have these in bathrooms at French restaurants. I mean they really should.

54. Rubber duckie, you’re the one. You make bath time so much fun. Rubber duckie, I’m totally fond of you.

Of course, thank God that Rubber Duckie isn’t a soap. Else, he’d be gone before Ernie would realize it. Still, the tub thing is pretty cute.

55. Ain’t no soap bar like a gay bar.

Note to self: If I have to buy something for a gay person this Christmas, don’t buy this soap. Seriously, it might offend the LGBT community.

56. Now how about having to clean yourself with a piece of shit?

Yes, I know that this soap is supposed to look like a steaming pile of shit. Yet, unlike real shit, it will get you clean.

57. Rub your hands clean with this magic lantern soap.

Unlike the one in Aladdin, rubbing your hands with this magic lantern won’t cause a genie pop out that will grant you three wishes.

58. Have a lovely piece of artwork in your bathroom such as a soap of the Venus de Milo.

Of course, if you actually use this soap to clean yourself with, remember that it won’t be as pretty as this by the time you’re done with it. However we never knew where her arms went or what they looked like.

59. Scrub yourself clean with Michelangelo’s David.

Now while Charleton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it's almost as true to the real thing upon green.

Now while Charlton Heston was sure that Michelangelo was 100% heterosexual, historical evidence begs to differ. Still, it’s almost as true to the real thing upon green. Nevertheless, would make a great gift for Sister Wendy Becket, who has a thing for male nudes.

60. Make your bath time a masterpiece with Sandro Boticelli’s The Birth of Venus.

As far as Renaissance art pieces go, this is a very appropriate piece you can put on a soap. After all, it has Aphrodite rising from the sea through a large shell.

61. If your girlfriend’s a fan of the 1997 James Cameron film, she’d love this soap rendition.

On second thought, you might want to reconsider. I mean we all know that the ship sinks and that Jack dies after he and Rose consummate their relationship in the back of a Model T.

62. As we have these candy mints after dinner, you might want to use these candy mints soaps before.

Now I’m sure when some one gives you a breath mint, it means you have halitosis. When someone gives you breath mint soap, it means that either you stink or you’re dirty.

63. Of course, this laptop soap would go great for any Silicon Valley bathroom.

Now I’m sure this soap computer won’t work like a real one. Yet, it certainly will get you clean. Also may be available in many different colors.

64. Now here’s a soap of a potato to grace your bathroom. Looks almost like the real thing doesn’t it?

Yes, this is a potato soap. And no, you can’t bake it, mash it, or cut it up. Yet, it will get you clean in the shower even though it might make others scratch their heads in confusion.

65. While we have Lego soaps, we also have Lego people soaps, too. And in many different colors.

Call this one a Lego people Rainbow Coalition if you will. However, I’m sure that real Lego people didn’t come in all these lovely different colors other than yellow.

66. For the holiday season, I’m sure Christmas light soaps would make your bathroom seem festive.

They may not light up, but at least you don’t have to decorate the outside of your house with them. Of course, they’re just bulbs if you know what I mean.

67. Smell fresh as a daisy by rubbing your body with these perfume bottle soaps.

Of course, these soaps won’t just get you clean but will also make you smell as nice as normal perfume would. If not, then better.

68. What better way to get yourself clean than with a soap resembling microbes on a petri dish.

This one is a soap of salmonella, you know the food disease you get from eating uncooked eggs. Yeah, that’s the one all right.

69. Perhaps you can smell like flowers with this lovely floral soap.

Then again, perhaps this soap should just be for display only. I mean these flowers are so beautiful if you know what I mean. Still, how in the hell do they make stuff like this?

70. Well, there’s nothing like a cup of coffee in the morning.

And there’s nothing like it in the morning than washing your face with soaps resembling coffee beans either.

71. Perhaps we can have some soap eggs to go with that soap bacon.

Of course, you wouldn’t want these eggs for breakfast. Yet, they’re on the skillet anyway for display purposes.

72. I’m sure they won’t see it coming with this soap grenade.

At least unlike a real grenade, this soap one won’t make your house explode or kill you if you pull the pin.

73. Now check out this soap handgun in the bathroom.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Even more scary is that this one comes with its very own bullet. Please, don't ask me to wash with this in the shower.

Now never in my life have I ever seen a soap that can be this terrifying. Please, don’t ask me to wash with this in the shower. Still, there’s nothing cool about it.

74. Soapy, soapy, night. Paint your pallet blue and bright.

How many times has Vincent Van Gogh’s Starry Night been immortalized? Still, I wouldn’t wash with this soap since it’s so pretty.

75. Of course, what Star Wars fan wouldn’t want a soap of Han Solo frozen in carbonite in their bathroom?

Of course, I’ve seen Han Solo carbonite stuff in a lot of things like soaps, chocolates, coffee tables, and more. I wonder if Harrison Ford has one of these.

76. How about a bacon cheeseburger with some pickles and fries?

Of course, if this was real food, it wouldn’t be good for you. Yet, I’m sure the bacon is much too big for the rest of the burger.

77. Look good with these tubes of lipstick soap.

Sure these tubes may not smear your face or leave splotches on kisses, but they will get you clean. And no, they don’t seem to come in many different colors.

78.These jigsaw puzzle piece soaps sure do go together.

Of course, there’s a chance that all these pieces won’t be used up at the same time, if at all. Still, why don’t they have purple?

79. Wash your body with these beautiful soap bottles.

Now these bottles seem so pretty that it almost makes me reluctant to use them. Then again, they probably were only made for display.

80. Of course, these precious gemstone soaps sure do give off light like real ones.

Yes, but I have a feeling that these were way easier to make than the other ones. Also, I’m sure that it’s very obvious they’re not gemstones.

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The Lone Girl in a Crowd

The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Author Archives: historymaniacmegan