Not So Great Tidings of Not Much Comfort and Joy Christmas Gift List (Fifth Edition)

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Now we get to the reason of the season. No we’re not talking about Jesus though that’s what Christmas should be about since it’s supposed to be his birthday. No, I’m talking about the reason why Christmas has become a commercialized palooza we know today. It’s because we give each other presents. And the fact we exchange gifts leads to corporate cash grabs and Christmas sales. Still, even though you’ll find plenty of gifts to shop for, there are some you must avoid at all times like cars, pets, anything on an installment plan the recipient has to pay for, ties for men, body lotion for women, and other that belong on this post. Since some of them might seem like an insult to the recipient. Or ones that seem like the giver didn’t know what to buy. Anyway, for your reading pleasure, I give you another assortment of terrible Christmas gifts. Some of these may not be safe for work. Enjoy.

  1. Feet slippers
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For when you’re dressed as a hobbit at a Lord of the Rings convention. Other than that I’m not sure what else.

2. Plant Urinal

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If you need to relieve yourself and can’t get to the bathroom in time during a drunken party. Okay, it’s actually a prank pack.

3. Renpho Body Fat Scale and App.

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Because nothing says you really need to lose a few and monitor your weight at all times like a smart scale. Perhaps the most expensive smart device your loved one will throw out a window.

4. Mats and Enzo How to Poo on a Date

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Seriously, why does a book like this exist? For God’s sake, if you need to shit, you can just use a public toilet at a restaurant.

5. Pooping Pooches 2020 Calendar

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Why go with a boring dog calendar when you can get one featuring dogs taking a shit? After all, dogs poop out in the open without shame, anyway.

6. Plush Pizza Slice

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Yes, everyone likes pizza. But most people prefer to eat with it than cuddle with it on the couch.

7. Smart Mini Drone

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Actually this might be a good gift to the recipient. But it’ll be hell on earth for the neighbors. Still, it’s available in splashy colors.

8. My Daily Cup of Employee Tears

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The kind of gift you give your boss that says “I hate you.” But in a rather subtle fashion that doesn’t get you fired.

9. Men’s Chest Hair Ugly Christmas Sweatshirt

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Has some decorations as well. If you receive this, please don’t wear it during a Christmas party. Or like ever.

10. Baby Shield

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Protects parents from their baby’s pee while changing its diaper. Unfortunately, it’s a prank pack. Sorry, new parents.

11. Cockroach Stuffed Animal

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From All Gifts Condsidered: “I know these are just stuffed animal plush pillow, but… ewwwww. A cockroach plush pillow? It’s gross to even look at the photo. Don’t do this to anyone, please. But seriously. It’s bad enough already, but if anyone has ever had to deal with a cockroach infestation, this is like snuggling with a nightmare.”

12. Disgusting Feet Flip Flops

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Okay, I get why you’d buy it as a prank. But the feet here are utterly disgusting. Seriously, why?

13. Midland Headphone Muffs

14. Fanny Bank

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It’s a piggy bank with a butt crack. Nonetheless, the British version is extremely inappropriate for children (because “fanny” means vagina over there).

15. Pinch Provisions Wristband Warrior Fest and Kit

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Because slacktivists also need their toiletries. Can also bring reminders of those good old days when we considered Lance Armstrong a great role model for children.

16. Plush Cigarette

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Since smoking that cancer death stick isn’t enough for you. Who the fuck came up with this noxious idea?

17. Jillian and Michelle Madison Dear Asshole: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life

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It’s the kind of gift that says, “you’re having problems controlling your anger. Calm the fuck down already.”

18. Bouncy Bands for Desks

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Got that kid who wouldn’t sit still? This will put them in their place.

19. Bacon Air Freshener

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Want your car to smell like breakfast or attract neighborhood dogs? Here’s the perfect gift for you.

20. Gold Bar Door Stop

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Unfortunately, it’s not made out of real gold. If it was, it would be way worth more than $5.

21. Blowze Tissues

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The tissues come out of the nose. Yes, it’s disgusting.

22. Mo’s Bacon Bar

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It’s a bacon chocolate bar. Please don’t tell me how it tastes like.

23. Emily Post’s Etiquette 19th Edition

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Because nothing says “you’re an asshole with bad social skills” like a book about manners. Seriously, who’d want to get one of these?

24. Mankini

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Just because your boyfriend’s a fan of Borat doesn’t mean you should get him one of these. He’ll either not wear it or embarrass you on your summer trip to the beach.

25. Beardhead

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This crocheted winter gear will make a man warm during the winter. But it’ll also make him look like an idiot.

26. Booze Perfume

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Because who wants to smell like they just walked out of a bar? Not me. Not anyone.

27. Bacon Toothpaste

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Sure your teeth will be clean. But they’ll certainly not smell like it.

28. Cat Muzzle

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For when you want to blind and perhaps suffocate your cat. Probably not approved by the ASPCA.

29. Prosecco Pong

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It’s basically beer pong for high class frat boys. Think a sexual assaulting Brett Kavanaugh during his college days showing his dong.

30. Light Up Ice Cubes

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Think of it as a rave in your water glass. Yes, I know it’s kind of crazy. Like something they’d have at a club Stefon describes.

31. Cremation Urn

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Well, it always helps to plan ahead. But is cremation urn really a great Christmas gift? Absolutely not. This is especially if the recipient is old, sick, or injured.

32. Emergency Underpants

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For the person who has irritable bowel syndrome. But I’m not sure if they’ll appreciate it one bit.

33. Peanut Butter and Jelly Purse

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For when you want to confuse your purse with your lunch. Or is it your lunch with your purse?

34. Ferret Legging Vintage Plaque

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Yes, this is a real sport. But for the love of God, please don’t try it at home. Seriously, don’t.

35. Crack Scratch String

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You mean they have floss for butts? Please you can clean your crack in the shower. In fact, I recommend you do.

36. Nicholas Cage Ornament

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Now you can put Nic Cage on your Christmas tree. Seriously, how much of Nic Cage stuff can you get?

37. Jar of Nothing

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Basically one of the worst gifts you can receive. Love the inscription though. Hilarious.

38. Leg Lamp Mug

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He who receives it will feel proud of himself to the detriment of his family. Until his wife accidentally on purpose breaks it.

39. Truth Serum

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Said to be authentic and to guarantee results. Despite that it’s actually booze and will only guarantee results if the subject drinks enough of it.

40. Bob Ross Boxers

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Quite an interesting take on the late painter and PBS TV host. The “Everybody Needs a Friend” message is quite disturbing.

41. Lobster Claws

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For when you want to hold things without using your fingers. Seriously, why?

42. Fertility Charm

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Either a parent or in-law’s way of saying they want grandkids. Or a way to cheer up a couple experiencing fertility issues. Either way, it’s kind of disturbing.

43. Mini Curbside Trash and Recycling Cans

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These are for office stuff. Pencils and scissors go in trash. Pens in recycle. Probably not something you give someone for Christmas.

44. Moose Oven Mitt

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For baking stuff while in your winter cabin. Still. you might want to go with the female version. At least it doesn’t have antlers.

45. My Side/Your Side Pillows

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For the person who wants to set the sleeping arrangements straight. Wonder if my dad would want this but my mom wouldn’t let him.

46. Nicholas Cage T-Shirt

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Yes, this shirt has Nic Cage’s face on it. Yes, it’s creepy as hell. I don’t understand the craze behind such disturbing merchandise.

47. Salami Notes

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Called, “The Gourmet Memos” these are post-its of salami slices. Even has a net you can put it in.

48. Penguin Corkscrew

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For when you’re ready for a cold one. But it’s very hard to open it. Not great for romantic candlelight dinners.

49. Personal Branding Iron

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Now you can brand your stuff with your own initials. Heat these and try them on your pets. I dare you the won’t take it well.

50. Pick Your Nose Dixie Cups

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These ones have noses on them. Yeah, I know it’s rather strange. Makes a great party and drinking game though.

51. Potty Fisher

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For when you want to practice your flies when you’re on the shitter. Of course, the fish aren’t real.

52. Putter Cup Golf Mug

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For practicing putting when you’re at the office. This makes the potty golf products seem less lame in comparison.

53. Scooter Suitcase

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For the scooter traveler. Though I don’t know anyone who travels by scooter since it’s not a very reliable mode of long distance transportation.

54. Liquid Ass Fart Prank

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Because nothing says friendship like a smelly, embarrassing prank. Though you’re more likely to use it on your enemies.

55. Money Tree

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It’s supposed to bring you good fortune. But I don’t think it does shit.

56. Men’s Christmas Custom Face on Boxer Shorts

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Now you can put your lady love on your Christmas boxers. Not sure if the lady love should be flattered or confused.

57. Personalize Pillow

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Now you can have your own picture on a pillow. Seems like the only thing that a narcissist like Donald Trump would love and not be creeped out by it.

58. Crapping Cats 2020 Calendar

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Yes, that’s a calendar of cats crapping. This one’s not even going in the litter box.

59. Ball Buffer

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For men need to take care of their, um naughty bits. Still, guys, if your girlfriend gives you these, you might need to wash them.

60. Do-It-Yourself Vascetomy

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Actually this is a prank pack, So relax, guys. Still, the guy’s expression on this box is priceless.

61. Parking Cards

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Well, this might actually be a great gift for the recipient. But bad for everyone who has to put up with it. Still, it’s pretty funny.

62. Bad Boss Voodoo Doll

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A great way to relieve stress if you have a bad boss. Best recommended for anyone who works for Donald Trump.

63. Donald Trump Toilet Set

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How else will you make your ass and toilet clean again? Great for your Trump supporting Uncle. Or not. You’ll never know.

64. Public Toilet Survival Kit

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Great for the germaphobe in your life. Okay, this is a prank pack but could you imagine Adrian Monk getting one of these?

65. Remote Control Wine Nanny

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Recommended for the alcoholic in your life. And yes, this is a prank pack. The wine looks like an IV stand.

66. Donald Trump Pencil Sharpener

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Notice how you put the pencil up his ass. Though Republican congressmen put their heads inside voluntarily and out of personal self-interest.

67. Pet Swing

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Why should kids have all the fun at the playground? Comes with harness. Okay, this is just a prank.

68. My First Fire

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Because why should little kids be banned from playing with matches? Actually this is a prank pack. But imagine the parents’ faces when their kid gets this thing.

69. American Association of Patriots How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety

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What the fuck is this shit? Seriously, do we really need to talk to our pets about gun safety? Would it be worth it?

70. Needa Hardon 5,000 Dick Pics

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Uh, one dick pic is one too many. Now imagine 5,000 times that. Yeah, you get the picture.

71. Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0 Male Hygiene Kit

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Yes, this is a male hygiene kit for his nether regions. It’s basically the men’s equivalent to receiving body wash and lotion for Christmas.

72. Toilet Tunes Speaker and Sanitizer

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Not only cleans your toilet, but also plays music while you go No. 1 or No. 2. Okay, this is a prank pack. But you’d wish this was real.

73. Hay in the Needle Stack Family Board Game

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For what’s more fun than picking up a pack of needles to get some straw? Of course, this is a prank. They’d never make a board game like this in real life.

74. Starburst Wine Trivet

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For the person you know likes to cook but might have drinking problem. But with enough corks, the trivet makes a handy hot pad.

75. Shitty Gift Box

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Has a few things relating to shit. Most of them seem like hot sauce bottles. Not sure why.

76. Paw Socks

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They’re socks resembling dog paws. Great for the person who’s way too into their dog.

77. Money Soap

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It’s soap with money inside it. Yet, there’s only a dollar so it doesn’t seem worth it.

78. Brown Turd Present

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Of course, the turd’s not real. Yet, makes a great gag gift for friends. Or a form of revenge for enemies.

79. WTF Note Pad

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A form on what went on and what you need. Great for the person who seems to screw up everything.

80. Architech Electronic Smart House

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Kids can build this house and power it up. Still, not sure if it’s necessarily safe for kids to experiment with electricity. $50

81. How to Be a Good Coworker When All You Want to Do is Smash Everyone in the Face: Lined Notebook and Journal

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The kind of gift you give to someone at work who’s got some anger issues. Great for office secret Santa.

82. Home Branding Kit

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Now you can put your personal brand on everything. Okay, this is a prank pack box. So you have nothing to worry about.

83. Paperweight Decision Maker

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For the indecisive person who just can’t make up their minds. So you get them something like this to help them along.

84. Customized Socks

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They’re socks with your pictures on them. Why would anyone do this, I have no idea.

85. Belly Fanny Pack

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From Love to Know: “If your friends or relatives are into the fanny pack look, this can be a nice gift to give. However, you want to make sure that you choose the right kind of fanny pack. Not too many people on your friends list can truly appreciate the belly fanny pack, which retails for about $13. If you are thinking about buying this, just don’t.”

86. Shave and Play Barbie

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She’s a cross between a Barbie and a Sasquatch. And you get to shave all her body hair off from mouth to legs.

87. Turbospoke Bicycle Exhaust System

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Makes a great gift for the motorcycle enthusiast who can’t afford one. So you give them this to compensate.

88. Dog Butt Magnet Set

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From Dodoburd: “This magnet set features an assortment of dog butts, including a fire hydrant so you complete the theme. This would be a funny gift for dog lovers, because you have to take the good with the bad when you love something. Whoever gets stuck with this might say they got the tail end of the deal.”

89. Bread Loaf Slippers

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After all nothing feels softer than bread. Except they’re not actually made from bread. Or made in France.

90. Go Girl Female Urinal Device

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Now I and my fellow women can pee standing up with this funnel thing. Then again, it might not be as practical for indoors as outdoors.

91. Steak, Pizza, and Baguette Cushions

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For when you want to make your living room more like your kitchen. Nonetheless, despite how tasty they look, you can’t eat these.

92. Naughty Knot Lingerie

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It’s lingerie with a thick ribbon bow as a bra. But the underwear is just a few strings attached. And doesn’t look comfortable.

93. Hairy One Piece Swimsuit

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Yes, it’s a women’s one piece of a man’s hairy chest. Try to explain that one to children.

94. Hobbit Slippers

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From Worst Gifts: “But really, what happens when the adventure calls? It happens when you least expect it! So it’s a good thing you’re burning dozens of calories with all this typing you’re doing! If you are looking to feel a little more comfortable on the adventure trail, you need a pair of Hobbit size slippers. They’re not ugly, I mean…. , in any case they’re comfortable. Oh, yes, so comfortable. You will want to stay in your underground home all day and will never venture to steal a dragon’s loot.”

95. Nose Shower Gel Dispenser

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Fill this with green shower gel and you can use the mucus to clean yourself. Ugh, did that come out really gross?

96. Ruth Rehtse The Art of Farting

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Learn how to break wind with this handy guide. But keep your ass far away from the candles.

97. MemeWorks Smug Pepe Frog Pin

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Let’s just say, though Pepe’s a relatively harmless character, he’s become associated with the Alt-Right in recent years. So getting anything with his face on it isn’t a good idea.

98. Assured at Home Marijuana Drug Test

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For the stoner who might’ve smoked too many. Or someone who wants to know whether their dazed loved ones are stoned out of their minds.

99. Wolo 400 Airmite Power Air Horn

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Want to make a grand entrance in traffic? This is for you. Makes a great gift for some asshole drivers who like to announce their presence in a big way. But it’s hell for everyone else.

100. Witty Yetis Dehydrated Water 16 oz. Can

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So how does this work exactly? Because dehydrated water simply can’t exist. Seriously, what the hell is this? A joke?