A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Musical – “Helter Skelter”


Just as Klaus and Sunny try to stall the crowd to buy time for Violet to become conscious, Esme shows up with the two White-Faced Women. Though Klaus claims that she lost her mind, Esme states that the people pretending to be Dr. Tocuna and Nurse Flo are the younger Baudelaires. After all, her and her associates are proper medical personnel since they’re wearing the correct clothes (which is a flimsy argument for a TV or movie doctor could say the same thing). Before Klaus and Sunny can defend themselves, she rips off their masks. Yet, when asked where the third Baudelaire is, Klaus eagerly points Violet out on the gurney just as one of Olaf’s associates tries to conceal her identity. Though he asserts he and his siblings aren’t murderers, he still has a knife in his hand, which doesn’t do him any favors. Next, Hal comes in, shows his displeasure by how the Baudelaires fooled him and stole his keys to destroy his files (yes, they stole his keys, but they didn’t destroy his files since that was Esme’s doing), and announces that the Library of Records is on fire. Meanwhile, a number of audience members express interest, especially a certain reporter from the Daily Punctilio named Geraldine Julienne who gives Rita Skeeter a run for her money.


The song I chose is “Helter Skelter” by the Beatles which appeared in The White Album. In the original version, Paul McCartney wrote the song as a challenge to produce the loudest, rawest, and dirtiest song possible after hearing “I Can See For Miles” by The Who on the radio. Also, it’s a response to his critics who accused him of being able to write only ballads. By the way, a helter skelter is an amusement park ride featuring a tall tower with a long spiral slide winding around it, which McCartney used, “as a ride from the top to the bottom; the rise and fall of the Roman Empire – and this was the fall, the demise.” Unfortunately for McCartney, this song would be later associated with notorious cult leader and serial killer Charles Manson who thought this song was a coded prophecy of an apocalyptic war between whites killing each other over how to treat people of color. In this version, the term doesn’t mean much of anything save as a homage to the song I’m ripping off of. Then again, it might express how Esme and Klaus


“Helter Skelter” (ASOUE Version)

When I went through the halls looking for two of the brats
I find Tocuna and Flo in a room with their coats and masks
Since they were locked outside of the OT
Yeah yeah yeah hey

This woman is clearly completely a nut job
She’s a batshit crazy bitch from the psych ward
She’s violent, insane, loony and quite homicidal
Well, she may be Cruella but she ain’t no doctor

Now helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter yeah

Will you, won’t you quit playing doctors
It’s obvious to me that you’re glaring imposters
Your little sister is too small for a lab coat
You may be a genius but you’ve got no boobs, bro

Look out helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter ooh

Look out, they’re Baudelaires

All of my associates are proper medical personnel
Since they all wear the correct outfits as well
Don’t believe me, well, I’ll just rip off their masks
Yeah yeah yeah

Oh, don’t you, don’t you dare touch my sister!
She’s coming up fast so I won’t let you near her
Indeed, I’m still holding this knife here
Well, I may be her brother but I ain’t no killer

Look out helter skelter helter skelter
Helter skelter

Look out helter skelter

She’s coming up fast
Yes she is
Yes she is coming up fast

Those kids switched my keys
To destroy my precious files
Now they set it on fire!

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